High Strung (1992) - full transcript

Again.

Every time.

It--it's really amazing,
you know?

No matter how little milk
you put on your cereal,

there's always
too much left at the end.

I mean, you would think it would
be possible to judge it right.

You know, maybe put in
just the right amount of milk

so it all comes out even?

But no.
Th--there's always too much.

It's just...

Shit!
So, what?



You end up havin to pour in more cereal
that you probably don't even want,

Or--or having to pick up the bowl
and slurp it!

Like you're
some kind of a dog!

There's no reprieve!
It's every time!

It just digs, and digs,
and digs,

until you just can't
take it anymore...!

I wish I were dead!

Ugh!

I don't believe it!
I'm gonna die!

I don't need this,
you know.

Flies are the filthiest creatures
on the planet.

The number one
carriers of disease.

And they're pathetically stupid.
The stupidest of all bugs.

I mean...
You've seen 'em, right?



They--they sit around
cleaning their hands all the time,

you know, like it matters?

So, I go in my backyard.

There's a piece of dog crap
on the ground.

A piece of dog crap.
Fly sitting on it, cleaning his hands.

How incredibly stupid
would you have to be?

"What is this shit on here?"

"It's there again.
What is this shit?"

They're dirty,
disgusting creatures

that should be
gathered up and exterminated.

And I'm not that interested
in that whole food chain thing.

"Pollinisation" or
whatever the hell it is.

I'd gladly give up
an occasional honeydew

if it meant being forever rid
of those useless, pathetic, vile, horrible,

disease riddled, wretched little
flying devil bugs!

Oh, great.

I don't even know
why I read this, you know.

Everything in it
just makes you sick.

Yesterday, I read about
this guy that killed his sister-in-law,

and then his brother.

Right, so he goe's to trial.
He is found innocent

by reason of insanity,
and gets out in four years.

Four years!

You know what
I think they should do?

Let's say somebody kills
Amy Lou Rogers.

I think they should
lock him in his cell;

and when they
bury Amy Lou,

they should put the key
to the cell in her hand.

That way,
when a few years goes by,

and the guy starts whining:
"Hey, when are you gonna let me out?"

"I've been in here
a really long time."

"When do I get out?"

You just go:
"Hey, don't sweat it, pal."

"As soon as Amy Lou
comes back to life,

digs her way out, and
waltzes in here with the key,

you're walking!"

"24 hours tops,
you're on the streets!"

But you know
what really gets me mad?

I bought these natural
watermelon popsicles.

On the box, It said: "100% natural,
100% watermelon."

So I thought:
"Hey, I love watermelon."

"I love popsicles."

"This should be
the perfect thing for me."

So I take a bite.

And I notice there's something
in my mouth.

Something small and hard.

So I spit it out...
It was a seed.

A seed!

They actually put
watermelon seeds in the popsicles!

What is the possible
marketing strategy here?

"Yes!
Watermelon popsicles!"

"With all the annoyance
of real watermelon!"

I mean, what's next?

Banana flavored popsicles
with skin?

Coconut popsicles with a
thick, though husk?

It makes me sick!
How do they expect me to eat this!

What do they take me for?
It is totally unacceptable!

And don't expect me
to go along with it, like:

"Oh, no problem!
Seeds in the popsicles? That's great!"

"I love that..."
Uuuugh!

I don't know...
I didn't ask for this, you know.

I didn't... I didn't ask
to be born.

Sometimes I just wanna...
I just wanna shut everything out.

Just relax.

What the...?

I can...
I can relax later or something.

Yeah.
I'm no--I'm not tired.

I should be working.

Yeah.
Get some work done.

I u--I used to
like my job, you know.

I write children's books.

Everything was going great.
You know, I work my own hours.

Something I like.
Good pay.

Boss was really tolerable.

- Thane, how are you?
- I'm good.

I just read
your latest submission.

Now, it's a little rough, and we
might have to tone it down a bit.

But I like the way
you think, Thane.

You are very creative.
Very different.

I like that.

Thanks, Marvin.
I'll rework it.

You know... you should
cheer up a little bit, Thane.

You're a bright kid.
You got a lot going for you.

Try smiling a little.

Smiling's never really been
one of my strong points.

Well, give it a try.
It's good for business.

You'd be surprised how many business deals
are made on personality alone.

Then he gets married.

He marries this...

...woman...

...who is, like, half his age,
which I have no problem with,

but she's, like,
this horrible person.

She's inhuman.
Melanie.

Me-la-nie.

- Marvin!
- Princess!

You have to get going, darling.
You have a very big lunch meeting.

Oh, uh... Thane, I'd like you
to meet my wife.

- This is Melanie.
- Oh, darling.

Please, let's not get into this.
We barely have enough time as it is.

- Well, I guess you're right.
- Of course I am.

Now let's just
get you to lunch,

and you let me handle
everything here at the office.

- I don't like him.
- Now she makes all the decisions,

which wouldn't be so bad
if someone else relayed them,

but you have to
listen to her speak.

She's totally self-indulgent.

She could listen to
her own voice for hours.

Not only do I not have a clue
as to what my boss sees in her,

but I would love to know how the earth
could just keep from opening up

and sucking her into some deep,
dark, multidimensional void!

"You have to
make your dead line,

or we won't be able
to get the copy in on time."

She's always giving orders
that don't matter.

Or she'll go off one some huge,
pathetic, condescending,

inaccurate lecture
on the meaning of life.

"Some people are just
less capable than others."

"People depending on
their upbringing and nationality,

have different ability levels, and
have to be put into their correct category."

Nightmare! It's like this incredibly
articulate way of saying:

"I'm hopelessly prejudiced.
Sorry."

But the horror
of all of this,

is you can't say anything,
because it's the boss' wife.

Right? So--so you just sit there and nod
so you don't lose your job,

and you hear yourself
saying things, like:

"Yeah... I guess."

Then you feel like the most
spineless loser on the planet,

because you've sacrificed
your self-worth,

and everything you value
and believe in,

because it might hurt you financially
if you speak up.

I-i-it's amazing what some people
are capable of.

Great.
It's not even 10 o'clock yet.

Hey, dorkhead!
Turn it down!

This guy's a perpetual
thorn in my side.

He plays music,
if that's what it is,

all day, at a volume that any
amphitheater would be envious of.

He never hears me yell,
which is no surprise.

I'm sure there's blood
constantly spewing from his ears.

There he goes.
There he goes.

Now, you tell me...
you tell me, just...

What the hell is that?

I mean... I mean, what is he doing,
some sort of gigantic boot dance?

I mean, what is that?

I can't even remotely imagine
just what in the hell...!

Oh my gosh.
I hope he didn't trip.

And hit his temple on
the power button of the stereo.

Accidentally turning it off, and
knocking himself into a permanent coma.

That would be terrible.
What would I do?

I guess I should wait a couple of weeks
and see if something starts to smell.

- Yeah.
- Tonight. At 8 o'clock.

What?

What does that mean?

What the hell is that?
8 o'clock?

It's just some--some
jerk or something...

You know it used to be
peaceful around here.

The dog.
I forgot to bring in the dog.

Sorry about that.
This is my dog, Pete.

Please, don't think I'm crazy.
I'm not.

It's just that I don't believe
in real pets.

Sure, I know people love them.
They're cute, they're cuddly.

It's just that I have a hard time
imagining giving a place in my life

to some beast, that if worse
came to worse, would turn on me.

Because, that's the reality of it,
whether you want to admit it or not.

They're animals.

And if there was suddenly
a food shortage,

and the opportunity arose,
your precious little Fifi

wouldn't think twice about putting you
on the old smorgasbord list.

People just believe
what they wanna believe.

Remember when that plane
crashed in the snow,

and some of the people survived?

But they didn't get rescued
for a really long time

and they actually had to eat
the other passengers to stay alive?

I mean, that is a big,
moral decision.

If your life depended on it,
do you think you could do it?

I don't know,
I've thought about it a lot.

I figure they didn't
do anything wrong.

You know, I mean,
it was life and death.

I think I probably could
if my life was at stake.

I mean, it would have to be
a major, major deal, right?

Not like a long layover
or something like that.

I mean, none of it's, like:
"It's late in Dallas, the snack shop's closed;

let's eat Larry!"
You know.

I'd never go along with that.

I don't, uh...
think it's morally correct.

But, if it was life and death,
line 'em up.

Snack time, that's what I say.
Because, you gotta remember:

These people died in a plane crash.
You're not murdering anyone.

I could eat them.

Or maybe if a guy was
walking along, and he tripped,

and he hit his head on a rock,
and he wasn't dead,

but you knew he was gonna die...

I could probably
start eating him.

You know...
Like a coma.

But if he woke up, I'd stop.
'Cause I'd figure: "Hey,

that's normal, human etiquette, and
I'm not crossing that line for anybody."

"I'm sorry."

What the hell was--

Now, what the--

I must need sleep.

What?

What!

- Hi, sir, how are you today?
- Don't ask.

- You seem like an intelligent man.
- What are you selling?

Well, it's not so much
what I'm selling, sir,

as it is what I have to offer.

Oh, what do you have to offer
that just happens to cost money?

I offer security.

- Insurrance?
- That's right, sir.

I am so sorry.
Please, come in.

I... I feel like an idiot.

- I hope this is okay for you.
- Oh my, this is more than fine.

Thank you very much.

Uh, do you already carry
any kinds of insurrance?

Oh, let's not
talk about that now.

It must be fascinating,
what you do.

Well, yes, I-I... guess it is.

Oh, surely you're being modest.

I'll bet there are all kinds of people
that envy you, and you don't even know it.

- Well, I don't know about that.
- Oh, sure there are, I mean...

What you have is a dream life.
You're actually able to go door to door,

help people,
and still make a living.

- Yes, uh... I guess that's right.
- Of course it is.

And the beautiful thing?
It's a giving occupation.

With no concernable greed,
or any sort of self-interest,

or any attitude,
or doing anything you can

just to get people to buy something
they don't want or probably will never use,

and playing on people's inherent fears
and phobias just to make a buck.

You're not into that.

I think that's great.

Well...
Thank you.

Don't mention it.
Now, if you don't mind,

please tell me exactly what types
of policies can you offer?

- Well, uh, we have all kinds.
- Terrific.

Uh, do you presently carry
any kinds of insurrance?

- No. None at all.
- Ah.

Why is that?

Well, I've never been able
to afford it before, but...

I just kinda came into
this big inheritance.

To be honest with you, it's more money
than I know what to do with.

So for me, this is
a great opportunity.

A wise decision. How do you feel
about... life insurrance?

- Well, I want it, definitely.
- Great.

Uh, these are the different
amounts of coverage.

Oh, definitely this one.

That's the highest.

Better safe than sorry.

U-unless you think I should
go with one of the lower ones?

Maybe save myself
a little money?

I think it's best to go
with our first instinct.

Um...

- Do you have renters' insurrance?
- No, but I'd like it.

Good. Good.

I should take care
of my car insurrance too, you know.

I'm not very proud of this, but
it expired a couple of months ago, and...

I understand, that could
happen to anybody.

Tell me, is there a legal limit
to the number of policies one can own?

No, no.
There isn't at all.

- Great.
- Um...

Actually, I don't have
all the necessary paperwork

for all the different policies.

Would you have the time to come
down to our offices for just a few minutes?

- Absolutely.
- Terrific!

Yeah, I'd like to not
put this off very long, though.

I mean... well, you know
how important insurrance can be.

I certainly do.
We can leave right now.

Oh, I have an appointment
in a few minutes.

But if you promise me
you'll stay at the office,

I can be there
in about 45 minutes.

That would be perfect.
I'll have all the papers ready.

Great!

Here's my card.

Ray.
Fantastic, Ray.

- And your name?
- Thane. Thane Furrows.

Thane.
I'll see you in 45 minutes, Thane.

Great. Oh, Ray,
there is just one thing.

Sure, anything.

Well, there is one little problem about
buying these policies from you.

Oh, what's that?

I'd rather be dead!

I hate salesmen.

I always have hated salesmen,
I always will hate salesmen.

They're the ultimate slime of the earth.
I hate being around them.

I'd rather brush my teeth
and drink orange juice.

They only thing they care about,
is tricking people

and making them afraid
not to buy.

That steams me. And I usually
don't get worked up very easily.

But this just cuts me
right to the bone.

Every year, eight people die
because of letter bombs.

Six of those eight
are said to be in junk mail.

Now, I'm not paranoid,

but I certainly don't wanna be
tearing open a Christmas card,

and spend the rest of my life looking like
some biology student's wall chart.

I hate these.

This--this is
one of those advertisements

where they want you to think
it's a letter from a friend.

but with a computer,
they insert your name in a copy,

and keep referring back to you
throughout the letter.

I mean, look at this.

You know, I wonder
which word was inserted here.

This must be
a personal letter just to me.

"Hello, T. Furrows."

"We would like to introduce you
to the wonderful world of mortgages."

Because it's so realistic.

Because so many of my friends
call me "T. Furrows."

Here's another one.

"Great news, T. Furrows!"

"Three of these four people
have already won $100,000."

"Mrs. Beatrice Daniels,
Mr. Arthur Penance,

Lyla Bellish, and...
T. Furrows!"

Boy... I wonder which of these four
is gonna be the big loser here.

Oh...
A dating service.

"Why, when there are thousands
of single, eligible people in this area,

do we spend so much time alone,
or in relationships of convenience?"

"Your name may have been
recommended by an existing member,

or it may have been
on one of the select lists

we use to search out
quality people."

Great.

So you pay a lot of money
to go down to this little office,

and watch a bunch
of other losers on video tape,

who are also stupid enough
to pay a lot of money.

Then you go out
on a loser date,

and, of course, you have
a really great time, because...

...you're losers.

Then you get married,
you have a couple of kids,

but one night you're watching TV,
and this real estate seminar comes on.

It says you can make a million dollars
in less than a year.

So you both talk it over, and decide
it's a really... "good move."

And you invest your life savings,
and you lose it.

And you know why?

Because you've based your entire
relationship and life

on the fact that you instantly respond
to bogus advertisements.

But that's not the catastrophe.
The catstrophe is that you have kids.

Little losers.

You've inbred a new incredibly
gullable breed of human

that will be taken advantage of
their entire life.

Then they'll meet
someone else's little losers

at another video dating service,

and after a few generations,
evolution will take over

and there''ll be an entirely new
pathetic breed of people

that will only be capable
of saying "okay" and writing checks.

And all because you really thought
you'd been handpicked

by an honest dating company
searching for quality people!

The hell is this?

What's that supposed to mean?

Some joke.

Somebody probably
put it in with my mail.

She still writes me.

It's been four years,
and she still writes.

Relationships.

Y-yeah, th-they shouldn't even
call them relationships.

They should have
a more descriptive, like...

Pain Land, or something.

I mean, you could be
madly in love with someone,

do everything in your power
to make it work,

and then all of a sudden,
they're not interested.

So, no problem,
you scrape yourself up,

and when you finally
get them out of your system

so you can meagerly continue on with
what's left of your semi-shattered life,

they want you back.

It's like, the only prerequisite
to acquiring their devotion

was to not want or need them.

So she still writes me.

Well, I'm not gonna
read the letter.

I'm not gonna read it.

There's no way.

I mean, what is the motivation behind
making someone's life miserable,

and as soon as they can get along
without wanting to die,

you step into the picture again?

You know?
I mean, it's like...

"Oh, I heard your life
is going well."

"You know, I thought we might be
able to get into that old groove again."

"You know, the one where you
love me more than anything,

and I give nothing in return
and act uncaring?"

"I think I was much happier
when life was like that."

H-how about the ones
who will date you for several years,

and then say:
"Let's just be friends."

And then they're shocked
that it crushes you.

I mean, "let's just be friends."

I mean, that--that's like your mom
coming up to you and saying:

"Honey, I still love you a lot,
but when we're in public,

don't call me Mom.
Call me Marge."

"Let's still be friends."

Which is the perfect scenario for them,
because it means:

"Oh, I don't want anything
to do with you anymore,

but you know, it'd be really
convenient for me if I felt no guilt,

and you were still there for me
if I ever wanted to talk to you

or have you help me
with my life."

Well, I don't think so!

I don't think so!

Hey, I g--I gotta get
an unlisted number.

Screening.

Please don't leave a message
unless it's vital.

Thane?
Are you there?

Pick up the phone, Thane.

Oh, it's so nice
to have the whole day free.

The entire day
just to sit here and relax.

I wonder how long this tape is.

- Hello, Mom.
- Oh, hello, honey.

I had a feeling
you were there.

Have you been eating well?
How's your diet?

- I'm not on a diet.
- You know what I mean.

You never eat right, and if you
don't eat right, you're gonna get sick.

Now, I was reading in this magazine,
and it said that cabbage can prevent cancer.

- Have you been eating cabbage?
- That is so weird.

- There's a plate of it right in front of me.
- Don't be smart!

I wonder what's better,

having cancer, or having to
eat cabbage all of the time.

You're not funny.
This is serious!

I was talking to Elyse,
and she told me that her son, Bruno...

You know, Bruno, the one
with that big thing on his nose.

I don't know why
they never had that thing removed.

It looks like someone shot him
with a potato gun, and it stuck.

Anyway, Elyse told me
that Bruno wasn't feeling well,

and the doctor told him
that he was...

She'll talk for hours.

You know, it doesn't matter about who,
or what, or why,

just as long as there's
some sort of volume exiting her lips.

- ...serious problems.
- Yeah. Uh-huh?

There's a lot of people like that.
I don't know what it is.

Yeah...
They'll just go on and on,

you know, sucking away your life,
draining you like a vampire.

And if you don't start eating better,
you're gonna end up in trouble too.

- Yeah.
- Now.

- Uh-huh?
- Don't get me wrong, Thane.

I'm not trying to nag you.
It's just that I worry.

- Yeah.
- All you ever eat is cereal.

- Uh-huh.
- And a person needs more than that.

I really should be working.

You know, I'm already past
the deadline on my new book.

If I don't turn it in soon,
the she-devil will make my life hell.

- Really?
- You know...

I would always
make my deadlines,

if they wouldn't just keep rejecting
entire projects I turn in.

You know, like they have
nothing better to do,

than to think of reasons
I should have to work more.

Is it some sort of
sadistic pleasure?

I mean, I'll work on a project for three days,
rework it for another two,

turn in an example...
Wham!

"It's not sensitive to kids.
Oh, it's too scary."

Just totally overreacting.

- You're right.
- You're going to have to...

- What was that?
- Uhm, the...

- My clock alarm going of.
- What, do you have it around your neck?

Uh, no, I was...
Laying down here next to it.

Laying down?

It's nearly 1 in the afternoon,
you can't lay down now.

It's only a few hours
until 8!

Mom?

- Hello?
- Why'd you hang up?

I didn't hang up.
I got cut off.

What was that you said
about 8 o'clock?

- What?
- You said something about 8 o'clock.

No I didn't.
Are you okay?

Look, Mo--Mom, I... I gott--I gotta go.
Okay? There's someone at the door.

I-I'll talk to you later.
Okay, see you, bye.

This is crazy.

I gotta get some work done.

Why do I have to
please other people with my work?

I mean, I work countless hours
on valuable product,

just to see it
get turned down.

And who loses here?
Is it me?

No. No, it's not me.
It's the kids.

The kids lose.

Valuable information
and mental growth cut off

because someone didn't have
the foresight to see the need.

Here... I-I'll show you.

H-here's one
they turned down.

Now here's a book that
does more than just kill time.

It helps the kid to spot the symptoms
if his mother's being unfaithful.

Here's another one.

Now, they really
misinterpreted this one.

My whole intent here, was to
have an instruction manual

that even a child
could understand.

Only to be used
in grave circumstances.

I mean, you know, like,
somebody's choking on a chicken bone,

and they have to be taken to the hospital,
but there are no adults around,

I mean, what are you gonna do,
let them die?

Yeah, you know, I guess
some people probably would.

Now this...
is my pride and joy.

I haven't even
told them about it yet.

It's a pop-up book.
My first one.

It's called
What Happened to Grandma?

Well, that's one of the
working titles.

It deals with the passing
of a loved one.

But the beautiful thing is,
as you can see,

when you open it up...

As this can be a very trying
and traumatic time for children,

this book helps point out
that Grandma isn't gone forever,

she's just sort of
relocated without her body.

It also points out
the very real possibility

that they're just one little car wreck away
from going there themselves.

But... there's no hope.
They'll probably reject this one, too.

And you know why? Because they're
trying to keep children mindless.

They're trying to block them from having
the ability to think for themselves.

To think that the futures of hundreds
of thousands of innocent children

are being programmed to do and think
whatever Big Brother tells them,

just makes me sick!

I have no intention
of participating any longer

in the vegetation
of the young mind!

I won't do it!
I'd rather be dead!

Oh, great.

You're mine.

The door was open,
so I let myself in.

Were you
trying to get this?

No.

I wa--I was just messin' around.

"Messin' around?"
"Messin' around," he says?

He's got three deadlines hanging
over his head, and he's messin' around?

You had better
pull yourself together, mister!

You are threading
on thin ice!

I have not been impressed
with your work of late,

and if I don't see some sort
of improvement soon,

there's going to be
all kinds of trouble!

These kinds of jobs don't
grow on trees, you know, Thane.

There are a lot of talented people out there
that would kill to be in your shoes.

You've had it pretty easy in the past,
and I tell you it has hurt you.

The problem with you is,
you are not a dedicated worker.

I need an ashtray.

Oh...
I don--I don't have one.

Fine, I'll use this.

It is very important that you
become a dedicated worker, Thane.

Your future at Shangri-La Books
depends on it.

You've gotta think about this, Thane.
Your future is at stake!

I'll tell you, Marvin is
not going to like this.

No, Marvin wouldn't care
about any of this.

And Marvin wouldn't have
broken into my house!

Unless--unless the door were open.

Then he... he might
have let himself in.

I mean...
Who wouldn't, right?

I cant' stand it!
I... I can't stand it!

I'm a weasel!
Just tell her off!

Wy can't I just
tell her off?

I'll lose my job.
I don't wanna lose my job.

This is a nightmare!

See, now, I'm just gonna sit there,
and never bring up the fact

that she's a horrible person,
no matter what she says.

I don't believe this!
I wish I were dead!

So, let me tell you, I am so tired
of all the inept people at the office.

A'll I'm surrounded by
is ineptness.

Now don't get me wrong, Thane,
you are not totally inept.

Of course you need a lot of work,
but who doesn't?

It's all upbringing.
I'm one of the lucky ones.

Take minorities, for instance.

They're not inferior because
they are genetically different.

They're inferior
because of upbringing.

How--how do you listen to
a statement like that, and just sit there?

Oh, man!
I'm a wreck.

I... I can't deal with it.

What--what am I saying?

What am I saying?

How important is a job
if you have to sacrifice your integrity?

I won't have it.

I won't have it!

Wait a second!
Now just wait a second!

You're wrong.

You're racist,
and you're wrong.

And I--and I'm sorry,
if you wanna get me fired,

because I don't agree with
your perjudicial statements,

fine, but what you said
was wrong.

That sounded pretty good.
I'll try that.

For instance, I was watching
one of these freedom rallies on the news.

Some other backwards country,
I'm not sure which one.

And I started thinking:

"How horrible freedom can be."

"Our country could
learn something from this."

The only people
making the decisions,

should be those few
that are mentally capable.

You can't give the general public
a say in what goes on.

They're unable to render
an intelligent decision.

There are very few smart enough
and wise enough

to be making those decisions.

And you can usually
a person's worth by their income.

I think you should only be allowed
to vote if you make over, say...

200,000 a year.

It's just plain, common sense,
don't you agree, Thane?

Thane?
Don't you agree?

Well...

Yeah...

I don't believe it!
How can I agree with her?

There's no excuse!
I should be killed!

I should be skinned alive
and then rolled around in salt!

Now...
About your work.

As of late, I've been
very unimpressed.

You seem bent on these
unconventional tactics

that frankly, I think stink.

I came to pick up your new book
you've been so secretive about.

Is it finished?

Y-yeah, it's finished.
It's right in front of you.

- What was it doing behind the couch?
- It's a long story.

- Bye Bye, Grandma?
- It's a working title.

I'm also thinking of
What Happened to Grandma?

Bye Bye, Grandma.
It's cute, I like it.

The great thing is,
it's a pop-up book.

We don't do pop-ups.

It's something new.

Yes... A pop-up.

Oh!

What is this?

This is sick!
We can't sell that!

- Why not?
- Because it's not nice!

Of course it's not nice!
Death rarely is.

Death?

What are you writing about death for?
These are children's books!

Death is the last thing
on their minds!

Why can't you write about
bunnies or something?

I don't wanna
write about bunnies!

- Look at Murray Craig.
- Please, don't bring up Murray Craig.

- Murray Craig is our top writer.
- I know Murray Craig is the top writer!

I know Murray Craig
makes a lot of money!

But Murray Craig has
the mind of an ostrich!

- His books sell!
- He's uncreative!

He is not uncreative.
He is the creator of Happy the Clam.

P-please, please, don't bring up
Happy the Clam.

Happy the Clam is,
and has been for the past 10 years,

our number one marketable figure.
Everyone loves Happy the Clam.

Children love Happy the Clam.
Parents love Happy the Clam.

My husband and I
both love Happy the Clam.

- It's a stupid concept!
- It is not a stupid concept!

It's a clam!
A clam!

Could you possibly pick
a more distant, non-feeling,

totally unemotional...
thing!

I mean, they have
no distinguishable features,

absolutely no
measureable intelligence,

they're disgusting,
squishy...!

I mean, look at this.
Look at it!

There's legs sticking out of its shell,
it's sideways, and of course, a hat!

A clam with a hat!

"Oh look, honey, the Clams
have come over for dinner!"

"Hello, Mr. Clam. Would you
like me to take your... hat?!"

Happy the Clam
is a mindless creation!

There is nothing appealing about him!
There is nothing redeeming about him!

He represents everything
I hate in life!

I hate him!
I always have hated him!

I always will hate him!
I hate Happy the Clam!

I will not sit here and listen to you
badmouth Happy the Clam!

If you are looking to lose your job,
mister, you are on the right track!

This company
was founded 12 years ago,

and thanks to Murray's creation
of Happy the Clam,

for the past 10 years,
has been showing a sizable profit!

So you may not like
Happy the Clam,

but Happy the Clam
pays the bills!

And whether you like it or not,
if it weren't for Happy the Clam,

you wouldn't have a job!

Maybe I--maybe I was
a little rash.

I have to...
I have to apologize.

I did forget one key use
for Happy the Clam.

I forgot that Happy the Clam
could be rolled up into a little ball,

and shoved up your butt!

That's what I forgot!
Silly me!

And as far as the company
being here for 12 years,

how would you know?

You've only been
screwing up things for 2!

And now, let's analyze
how she got the job.

Did she graduate
from college? Ehh!

Did she study her craft
for long hours? Ehh!

Well, then surely she inherited
the business from her father? Ehh!

You know how she got the job?
She slept with the boss!

That's how she got the job!

Oh, no!
So soon?

Please come back!
I love these little chats we have!

Surely, you can stay
a little longer?

What have I done?

My job! Ugh!
How am I gonna eat?

I... I was...

I was never crazy
about that job, anyway.

Smokers.

There's no excuse
for smoking.

I can't stand smoke.

A hobby that makes you die.

I mean, that's the equivalent
of always carrying around a salt lick

laced with a tiny bit
of cyanide.

"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing, just a hobby."

"Whoa...
I'm getting kinda dizzy."

What about people
who say they're gonna quit,

and you see them,
like an hour later,

with a butt hanging
out of their mouth?

I mean, what--what if Gandhi
had that kind of willpower?

"I will not eat until there is
complete freedom and independence."

"Is that a Butterfinger?"

I mean, what--what does the
Surgeon General have to print

to get his point across?

"Warning: If you do this,
you will die. You know, die?"

"Dead-O-Rama?
You won't be alive anymore."

"Un-alive.
You'll take a dirt nap."

"You'll be paying a personal visit
directly to Elvis."

"It will be over. Your friends will
no longer be able to visit you."

"Your mail will stop coming.
You will be dead."

"Aerobics will be
out of the quesion."

"Worms will have a new
and sudden attraction to you."

"If you do this,
you... will... die!"

But it still wouldn't work.
And you know why?

Because they'd just say:

"Well, my grandfather
smoked three packs a day,

and he lived to be
93 years old."

Yeah. What they forget to tell you,
is he had one lung, breathed like a walrus,

and couldn't tell you who he was.
Boy... that's living!

I was in Las Vegas.
Don't ask me why.

I got a ticket for making
a right-hand turn on a red light.

That's against the law
in Las Vegas.

Prostitution is legal.

But I made the huge mistake of
making a right-hand turn on a red light.

I could have been having sex
on the hood of the car,

in the middle
of the intersection,

no problem... but I made
a right-hand turn on a red light.

Yeah, I probably
could have got out of it,

if I told the cop I was a pimp,
and late for a collection.

But, yeah, then he probably would
have asked to see my hat,

and I would have
been stuck.

Hello, and welcome
to the world

of hi-tech computerized
phone automatronics.

What we will do
is ask you a few questions.

After the beep,
you can speak your reply.

How does that sound?

Sounds great.

Very good.
Please state your name now.

Thane.

Thank you... THANE.

When was the last time
you had your carpet cleaned?

I don't believe
in the existence of carpets.

Thank you.

How old is your
present carpet... THANE?

Oh... carpet?
I thought you said Buddha.

Thank you... THANE.

When you clean your carpet,
do you usually...

A: Clean it yourself?

B: Rent a machine?

Or C: Have it
profesionally cleaned?

I'm--I'm sorry,
what was B again?

Thank you... THANE.

If the price was right, would you
consider having your carpet

professionally cleaned
on a regular basis?

Now when you
say professionally,

do you mean by, like,
a doctor or a lawyer?

Because, I wouldn't think those guys
had that kind of time.

- I mean--
- Thank you... THANE.

Would you like one of our
friendly sales representatives

to contact you
and discuss our rates?

Oh, yes.

If you answered no,
please explain why.

Well, there is just
one little problem.

I'd rather be dead.

Thank you for your
cooperation... THANE.

If you have any comments,
you may leave them now.

Die!
Die, you miserable computer chip!

I hope you choke on a mouse
and end up in computer hell!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Technology is getting
so advanced.

Hello, and welcome
to the world

of hi-tech computerized
phone automatronics.

What we will do
is ask you a few questions.

After the beep,
you can speak your reply.

How does that sound?

Sounds really terrific.

Very good.
Please state your name now.

Almighty Ruler.

Thank you... ALMIGHTY RULER.

When was the last time
you had your carpet cleaned?

About an hour ago.

Thank you.

How old is your present carpet...
ALMIGHTY RULER?

There's a question
you don't hear much.

"How old is your present carpet,
Almighty Ruler?"

I hope it's the carpet guy!

Hello, and welcome
to the world

of hi-tech computerized
phone automatronics.

What we will do
is ask you a few questions.

After the beep,
you can speak your reply.

How does that sound?

I killed the President.

Very good.
Please state your name now.

Winky, the Magic
Dog-Mule Hair Catcher.

Thank you... WINKY, THE MAGIC
DOG-MULE HAIR CATCHER.

When was the last time--

Man!

My life is a living hell.

Thane Furrows.
I do carpet surveys.

- What?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you might be a high-tech
computerized phone automatron.

What?

- Are you depressed again?
- I don't get depressed.

Oh--oh, sorry.
Sorry, let me put it another way.

Um, is everything and everyone
around you inept and stupid?

Well, of course.
What's new?

- Uh, did you eat lunch?
- No.

- Let's meet at Arlo's.
- Al, you know I hate restaurants.

- You hate everything.
- That's not true.

- Oh, I forgot... ferrets.
- They have a cool attitude.

So scratch the restaurant;
we'll go get a pizza.

I don't think so, I--

- Very funny--
- Hello, and welcome to the world

of hi-tech computerized
phone automatronics.

You should be ready
at 8 o'clock.

Who is this?

Al?

Is this a joke?

8 o'clock.

You should be ready
at 8 o'clock.

Make sure you've
taken care of everything.

Remember: 8 o'clock.

This is stupid.

This is really stupid.

A big, elaborate joke.

Maybe I should have gone
to the restaurant with Al.

What am I saying?
This is probably all Al's idea.

Boy. He's amazing, going through
all that trouble, you know?

Al.

He's... he's one of these guys
that's always the voice of reason.

You know, totally idealistic,
but he calls it optimism.

Everything is okay
and positive.

Plus, he has this horrible
habit of always saying:

"Hey, you know, in 10 years,
this isn't even gonna matter."

And you know you're screwed
when he says that,

because he only uses it when he
can't think of a bright side either.

Plus, he always wants to go
to restaurants, and I hate restaurants.

They're very unenjoyable.
I hate those theme restaurants.

You know, the one's where they put
the wrong names on the bathroom door?

Like, instead of
"Men" and "Women",

they'll put some cute name,
like "Buccaneer."

All right, but then sometimes
it's like such a cute name

that you're not quite sure,
and like an absolute moron,

you have to walk up
to the hostess and go:

"Uh, yeah, am I a 'Squid' or a 'Halibut'?
What the hell's happening here?"

Then you have to deal
with the waitresses.

You ever get those ones
that love to refill coffee?

They won't stop.
Yeah, you've seen 'em.

"Little more coffee for you there?"
"Heat it up a little bit?"

"How about just a touch more?"
"Cap that off for ya?"

"Little more?"
"A tad more?"

"Come on."

Even if you don't drink any,
they still come by.

"I think we can squeeze
a little more in there."

"Don't move the table."

Or what's worse,
the how-ya-doin' waitress.

Everyone's had her.
It's like a horror movie.

- "How ya doin'?"
- "Good."

She comes back
in a couple of minutes...

- "How ya doin'?"
- "Good."

- "Things all right?"
- "Yeah."

- "How ya doin'?"
- "Fine."

- "Things okay?"
- "Yeah."

- "How ya doin' now?"
- "Good."

- "Things okay?"
- "Yeah."

- "How ya doin'?"
- "Fine!"

- "Things okay?"
- "Uh-huh."

- "How ya doin'?"
- "Good!"

- "Things all right?"
- "Yeah!"

- "How ya doi--"
- "Listen!"

"I told you!
I'm fine!"

"Oh... my..."

"How ya doin'?
Things okay?"

I went to the Texas State Fair.

Boy, there's something
that should be abolished.

State fairs.

I mean, everything's fake.

You know, like, they had
the tallest man in the world.

You go inside,
he's like 6'9''.

O-oh, there was this tent
with the Turtle Lady inside.

On the outside of the tent,
there was this tape playing:

"The Turtle Lady!
Come in and see the Turtle Lady!"

"You can talk to her!"
And that was their big selling point.

You can talk to her.

So finally, I get curious.

I pay the buck,
I go inside.

So I'm inside this little tent,
just me and the Turtle Lady.

And I suddenly realize:

"I have nothing to say
to a Turtle Lady."

I mean, what do you say?

"Hey... How about those Dodgers...
huh, Turtle Lady?"

"Some weather that we're--"

There's nothing to say
to a Turtle Lady!

Or, if it's not fake, they'll take
someone with a physical defect,

and sensationalize it.

"Come see the man
with no lips!"

"He has no lips!"

"Whistle? I don't think so!
He can't; he has no lips!"

"He's lipless!"

"Drink out of a straw?
Think again!"

"Come in and talk to him!"

"But don't expect to hear
any Ps or Bs!"

"He can't make them!
He has no lips!"

So you get curious,
pay the buck,

and you're face-to-face
with this guy...

"How ya doin'?"

Whoa!

Oh, come on!
What the hell is this?

Open your eyes.

Open your eyes.
Come on, open 'em.

What's with you?

You looked like you were
in a trance or something.

The door was open,
so I let myself in.

Oh, maybe I should just
have my door removed!

Hey, temper, temper.
What...

- Y-you look like you saw a ghost.
- I did!

There was a...
I keep seeing...

Maybe I just
need some sleep.

Let's order a pizza.

I hate pizza!
Those guys touch the food!

- I know a guy that found a toe nail--
- Oh, come on! What...!

Where do you hear these stories?
A toe nail.

Besides, you hate all food.
Wait, uh--I take that back.

Cereal.
Heh, you like cereal.

- Great idea.
- I don't want cereal!

Make it hot cereal.

You're in an extra rare mood today.
You wanna talk about it?

- I-I-I don't think so.
- Okay.

- I think I lost my job.
- Really?

Yeah.

Tha--that's all the milk
you're gonna use?

Absolutely.
This time I got it beat.

So, uh, what's the deal
with your job?

Melanie came over
for my new book.

- And I kinda told her off.
- Ho ho! Head honcho, huh?

Uh, you "kinda" told her off?
What exactly does that mean?

I told her, the only reason
she has a job,

was because she
slept with the boss.

Oh, man!

Do you think this'll affect
my Christmas bonus?

Well, at least you
went out with a flare.

Yeah. I don't know
what I'm gonna do about money.

Hey, 10 years, this isn't
even gonna matter.

You gotta relax.
You're too tense.

No, I'm not.

- Look at your foot.
- What?

I just do that so...
bugs won't get on it.

I... uh--I'll bet you five bucks

you can't stop shakin' your foot
for five minutes straight.

- You're tossing your money away.
- Five?

- Ten!
- Fifteen?

- Fifteen!
- Okay.

Okay.

You're gonna have to
stop it first.

No problem.

- Okay, ready?
- Yeah.

Go!

I had a rough day.
I'm keyed up.

I don't want your money.

- Take it.
- No.

- Take it!
- I don't want it!

Look, you won the bet.
Don't piss me off.

- Take the money!
- Okay, okay, okay.

I tell you what, I tell you what...
I'll pay you fifteen bucks,

if you tell me another thing
you said to Melanie.

I told her to take Happy the Clam
and shove him up her butt.

Oh, yeah!
You're d--oh, man!

I wish I could have seen that.

- My life sucks!
- Oh, life doesn't suck.

You just have to
have the right outlook.

We're all here
to serve a purpose, okay?

To be as good and helpful
as we can, and, uh...

Later on we die,
and find out how we did.

In the tunnel?

- What?
- You know, the tunnel?

Everyone that's been clinically dead
says they were in a tunnel,

with a bright light
in the end.

Could you even imagine?
We die,

and we go someplace
worse than this?

A tunnel?
Dark tunnel, bright light...

Tell me there isn't gonna be, like,
tons of moths all over the place.

All right, the light
is probably God.

- Oh, here we go.
- You still don't believe in God?

No, I definitely believe in God.
He's the guy that needs all the money.

- Definitely believe in him.
- Okay, no...

God is, uh... God is peace.
Thane, everybody needs God.

Okay.

Then how do you explain
all the starving people in the world?

Hmm? I mean what about
cruelty and murder?

What about rape?
What about war?

Okay, yeah, sure, absolutely.
There's a lot of pain in the world.

It i--it isn't God's will.
Man has a free will.

W-we were given the ability
to be good and helpful,

or the ability to steal
or kill or be cruel.

It's--it's our decision.

And everytime we make a bad decision,
somebody else suffers.

Like, uh... uh... Somebody's
walking down the street

and belts you in the head
with a hammer.

You're gonna suffer
because of his decision.

We're all dependent on
one another for happiness.

God doesn't cause that stuff, Thane.
It's the wrong decisions of man.

Then man sucks.

Does it always have to
come down to something sucking?

I think it does.

- It's just a fly.
- Everything basically sucks.

I know it.
I can feel it inside of me.

I agree with you;
man is basically evil.

- And that's why everything sucks.
- Wait a minute.

- Man isn't basically evil.
- You said it yourself.

You said it. Things are
screwed up because of man.

No, no, no, no.
I didn't--no, man's bad decisions,

that's not being evil.
Ok--look, we make mistakes.

Often times we regret these mistakes.
That's not being evil.

People are evil and sadistic.
Every single one.

- Wait a second!
- I can prove it, I can prove it!

Have you ever picked up
a little puppy and held it?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you know
how cute they are?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So you've been holding the puppy,
and it's so cute.

For that one little second in time,
you really love him,

and you give him a squeeze,

but he's so cute, you just
wanna squeeze him a little harder.

- Yeah?
- Well, there you go.

There's a direct tie-in between
love and wanting to kill something.

Oh, come on!
Wait a second!

No, it's true, it's true.
You squeeze it,

and you just wanna
squeeze it a little harder,

you know, it's just like:
"Oh, you're so cute."

"I just wanna squeeze you."

"I just wanna squeeze you.
I just wanna squeeze you!"

"There!
That's how cute you are!"

You gotta admit.
You've experienced that emotion.

Look, look, no.
Come o--no.

Even if that thought
of squeezing something hard

enters people's minds,
they don't actually do it.

'Cause they know
they would hurt the thing.

They--they, uh, stop squeezing,

because they don't want anything
bad or painful to happen.

You're just showing affection, and
you get carried away with emotion.

I don't believe it!
There's no way!

It's like it defies
all logic and reason!

- What?
- The cereal!

It's a long story.

Now what the hell
do you suppose that was?

- I don't know.
- It's unbelievable.

He's either constantly
blaring wretched music,

or he's, like, training for
some shot put competition.

- It's unbearable!
- What's eating you, man?

It's sometihng else.

Have...

Have you been playing some kind
of joke on me lately?

What are you--

- You found out.
- It was you!

- How did you find out?
- Of course it was you!

Who else would go
to all that trouble?

Man! I gotta admit,
you had me going!

It wasn't that--that much trouble.

- Not that much trouble?
- Yeah.

But you had to
make the first phone call.

Slip that little piece
of paper in with my mail,

after the mailman came,
but before I could get it.

Interrupting the phone call
from my mom.

I don't even know how you
set up that long thing

with the carpet cleaner survey.
How'd you make that voice?

What are you talking about?

- All that stuff. 8 o'clock.
- What happens at 8 o'clock?

Hey, don't mess around.
You allready told me it was you.

I-I, uh... I thought you were
talking about your car.

- My car?
- Yeah.

I--you know, I've been writing
"wash me" in all the windows.

- That was you?
- Yeah.

You bastard!
Why would you--

Wait, wait, wait, wha--what,
what's this, uh... what, uh...

Somebody's going to
clean your carpets at 8 o'clock?

- Are you playing around?
- No, I swear!

Hey!
What's the deal, Al?

Are you okay?

I think I'm going crazy.

I keep seeing stuff, too.

I tell you,
you gotta relax, man.

Get away.
Take a vacation.

Please.
I hate vacations.

Even if you have a good time,
the second you get back,

everybody bugs you.

"Oh, dude, did you
have a good time?

"What'd you do?
Did you bring any pictures?"

It's a nightmare!

Couldn't be doing that bad.
You're still complaining about everything.

Um, look, I wanna hear
about this stuff.

I really do.
I gotta get back to work.

I'll come right back, though.

I'll come right back.
We'll grab a bite.

- You can fill me in, okay?
- No restaurants.

No, no.
No restaurants.

- What time do you get off?
- I'll be done about 8:30.

- That's too late.
- What do you mean?

I don't know.
Go to work.

- You gotta go to work.
- Yeah, I gotta get back. Um...

All right...

I'll knock off early, okay?
I'll be here 8:15.

8:30 the latest, okay?
A-and you gotta promise me something.

That you're not gonna sit
around here in the dark all day,

thinkin' about crummy stuff,
gettin' all depressed, okay?

- Promise.
- Promise.

Okay.
I'll see you later.

Vietnam.

Really don't like
to talk about it.

It was Quang Tri Province.

December 24th, 1968.

Dweeble was watching
the outer perimeter.

Jackson and Pollock
bringing C-rations.

Taylor was playing Canasta
through it all with Shovel Face.

Cong mortar shell fired
from half a mile out.

Landed right
in the middle of camp.

Never exploded.
It was a dud.

But it took his head off.
Clean at the neck.

Taylor was the first
to notice anything wrong.

He kept saying:
"Take a card, man."

"Take a card."

"If you don't discard,
you gotta take one."

He stared at Shovel Face
for a while.

Then he statred yelling
for a medic.

Like that would help, right?

Like he'd be able to apply
a tourniquet to his neck or something.

But it was all
too late anyway.

The V.C. were
coming over the wire.

Thousands of them.

Dweeble hid all the claymores.

But they just kept coming.

Nobody survived.

Man...

I'm glad I was in grade school.

I don't think
I could have dealt with it.

Well.

I guess I'll, uh...

...watch some TV.

Remember...

At Shady Lane Mortuaries,
we care.

Well, I don't.

I can't function anymore.
I'm tired of living a lie.

I love watching soap operas.
I mean, how much worse can acting be?

I lik--I like it when, right before
they go to commercial,

they'll make the big face.

You know, the big face?
Eh?

You know, they'll have something,
like, Mark will walk in the door,

and this woman will go...

"Mark?!"

You know, the big face,
then they place the big music.

Then you come back
from the commercial,

and they have him walk in
the door again, and she goes:

"Mark.
How have you been?"

What happened to the big face?
It's like it never happened!

You've made it
through the entire puzzle.

Now, for $10,000...

What famous boxer
coined the phrase,

- "I am the greatest"?
- Oh, how lucky!

Oh... I'm not
a very big sports fan.

You don't have to be
a big sports fan, lady.

There's only one possible answer.
- This isn't really my expertise.

Doesn't have
to be your expertise,

just say the name of
the only boxer you know!

- Five seconds, Veronica.
- Oh, come on, Lady! You gotta get it!

- I don't know.
- Oh! I don't believe it! $10,000!

I'm sorry.

The only boxer I even know
is Muhammad Ali.

Geez, I can't watch this!
How stupid can you be?

The stupidest person
I ever saw in a game show...

The second stupidest person...
was on Password.

The password was "exotic"
or something.

The celebrity guy goes:
"Fancy...?"

And this woman actually said:

"Schmancy."

Like--like, in her wildest dreams,
the password is "schmancy."

"S-C-H-M..."

But what about these
exploitation talk shows?

I-I m--I mean, I think
there should just be one of them.

Call it Oprah DeNaldo.

The host is a fat woman
with white hair and a mustache.

I mean, if you're ever
feeling crummy about yourself,

flip on one of these freak shows
for about a half hour.

I saw this woman
on there, once...

She dressed her kid up
like a pig.

Right, so evidently
the kid stole something,

so to punish him,
she dressed him up like a pig,

tied him up in front of their house
to humiliate him,

and she got arrested
for child abuse or something,

which is right, because nobody
should do something like that,

and I certainly
would never condone it.

But you gotta admit...

That is a pretty effective
disciplinary tactic, isn't it?

I mean, you wouldn't have
to be told twice

once Mom brought out
pulled out the pig suit, huh?

"Billy, that room's
a little messy..."

Your brother's standing there
in an elephant suit:

"Hey, I'd listen to her
if I were you, man."

This... this bitch is out of her mind.
She's crazy."

The entire house is like a zoo...

From now on, I am going
to spend every waking moment

completely and intently dedicated
to finding this guy a job!

Please turn the music down.

Please turn
the music down a little!

Turn down the music!

I gotta relax.

I gotta remember
not to close my eyes.

I'm going insane.

No!

This is a typical, normal day.

Just like any other.

Typical... normal...

Would you turn that music down!

Thank! You! Very! Much!

Isn't it a pity,
that it has to come to that?

I mean, I'm as open-minded
as the next guy.

But if I have to go through
my entire life being taken advantage of,

well, I'd rather be dead.

Oh! You must be the tumor-like
substance that lives upstairs!

I don't mind you
pounding on my floor, man,

but could you do it
with a little rhythm?

'Cause you are really
messin' with my head.

Oh, I completely understand.

We wouldn't want to clutter up
that magnificent reservoir of thought.

Yeah.
Let's check out the place.

Oh, yeah, this is capable.

This is very capable.

Organized.

By the way, I'm Vol.

Vol?
How very appropriate.

Is your last name Ume?

No. Look, man,
we're neighbors, you know,

and I don't wanna
have a beef with you.

I thought maybe we could
just kinda chill, you know.

We could grab a beer
and forget about everything.

The only way beer
could possibly help me

is if I poured it in my ears
until I was completely deaf.

Because that's the only way
that living under you

would be anything other than
a frighteningly accurately preview

of the un-ending horrors of Hell!

Whoa!
Somebody get this dude a Valium.

Look, man, I'm sorry if I play my tunes
a little too loud for you sometimes.

Sometimes? Your apartment
is a constant source

of music and effects!

I mean, it's like some film company
hired you to score my entire existence!

That'd be cool!

Okay...

Let's settle this once and for all.

If you win, I can never
bring up your "tunes" again.

But if I win, you can
never play any

of that odd-pitched,
melodic agony again.

What?

No music for the rest
of your life.

Complete and total silence.

What if I move?

You know, I would love
to save others from the eminent hell

that would accompany you
as their neighbor.

But I must admit,

I'm only concerned with myself
in this matter.

If you move, it's off.

Deal!

Wait.
What's the game?

Arm wrestling.

That's a bit physical, bud.

Oh, so you're gonna chicken out?
No, no, I understand.

The idea of using your manhood
to back up your argument

is something you just
can't deal with.

It is going to be
so peaceful around here.

I can hardly imagine it, really.
Endless days of peace and quiet.

Oh, I'm sure things
might work out well for you.

You might get a new hobby.

Stamp collection...
Hey, who knows?

One day, you might even
read a book.

Oh? Oh!

Oh! Hey.

Oh! Uh-oh!
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

- By the way...
- What?

- When do you wanna start?
- Huh?

Geez!

You like thrash music?

It's really cool, but you gotta
crank it to hear the clarity.

- Oh no!
- See ya!

I don't believe it!

This sucks!

I'm not gonna let it bug me.

It was a fair bet.

It just so happens that I lost.

He won the bet,
and I will abide by it.

Oh, come on.

You would have done it, too.

I just want a little quiet.

A little peace and quiet.

Don't close your eyes!
Don't close your eyes!

Don't close your eyes!

Okay. So...

- Hello?
- If you build it, he will come.

- What?
- I'm kidding. This is Al.

- I'm coming right over.
- Al, you should never play around like that!

Oh, whoa! Mr. Touchy.

Hey, hurry up, okay?

All right, just relax.
I'll--I'll be right over.

And so will I!

There's a guy in the phone!
That's good!

That's good,
a guy in the phone.

Tha--that's fine.
That sounds fair.

My life could have
been different, you know?

I could have been
one of those...

...totally uninformed...

...mindless...

...content individuals...

...with a beautiful wife.

A nice house.

A great car.

Perfect job.

- It's great to be alive.
- I'm gong to school, Daddy.

- I love you.
- And I love you.

Now run along.
Hey, hey, don't forget your lunch.

And don't forget
to kiss your mother.

That's not a bad idea.

- I love you, honey.
- Oh, I love you too, sweetheart.

- Isn't life grand?
- Yes, dear. You know?

Life is grand.

And you wanna know
what makes it grand?

You.

That is the sweetest thing
I have ever heard.

I am the luckiest woman
in the whole, wide world.

And I am the luckiest man.

Sweetness?
By the way...

What, pumpkin?

It's 8 o'clock.

Wh--

Who is it?

Al?

Is that you?

What do you want?

I believe you're supposed
to come with me.

- What?
- It's 8 o'clock.

It's you?

You're 8 o'clock?

Whoa, scary!

Well, I got a little
message for you, pal.

I'm not going anywhere!

It's 8 o'clock, sir.
The limo is waiting.

- Limo?
- The limo.

- What is this?
- I just drive the car, sir.

You'll have to come with me.

This is really nice.

Hey, did I win something?

He's not real.

He's not real.
It's just the limo driver.

Oh, I'm real, man.
I'm as real as it gets.

Hey, what is this?

Let me outta here!

Who are you?

I'm Death, man.

Death?

Like... the Death?

Well, I'd say "in the flesh,"
but that wouldn't be 100% accurate.

Th--this is crazy.

See?

It was a fly!
Just a fly.

You couldn't kill him.

- This can't be.
- You know it's real, just accept it.

This isn't real!

Did that scare you?

Yeah.

That's because I'm Death.

It's very scary when I do
something like that.

- You're weird!
- I'm Death.

- Well, I'm not dead!
- You are dead.

- I'm not dead!
- You are dead.

I'm not d--
Okay, okay, I'm dead, I'm dead!

You gotta be shown.

They all have to be shown.

Close your eyes.

Close 'em!

It's Al.

My apartment!

Thane.

Thane?
Hey, Thane!

Thane!

Thane!

Pretty radical, huh?

- I'm too young to die.
- Cliche.

Actually, this is a little bit
before your scheduled time,

but you kept saying:
"I wish I were dead."

- That's a figure of speech!
- Maybe so.

But you're only allowed
to say it 18,000 times.

- Then they call me in.
- 18,000 times?

- That's stupid!
- Also, you weren't useful.

- What?
- You weren't any use to anyone.

All you did was sit around and complain.
You never actually helped anyone.

What if I had?

# It's too late now, baby #

# It's too late #

- You love this!
- I love people.

Well, you make
a crummy Death!

Shouldn't you be
wearing a hood or something?

That was a little fashion thing
I went through.

I was depressed.

Watch this, though.

- What the hel is that?
- Being dead is great!

Go ahead. Try it!

- No!
- Eh?

I hate being dead!
This sucks!

I hate it more than life!
I hate the way you are!

I hate you!

It's stupid how we're
in this limo!

It's stupid, that thing
you're doing with your ear!

That rule about
18,000 times is lame!

I don't like it here at all!

There's no tunnel!
The least you could have done

was giving me a tunnel
with a bright light!

Nobody has ever come back
and said: "Oh, it was so peaceful;

I was in this big
stretch limo."

Oh, th--this is great!

I'm not even floating!
You know?

You'd at least think
I'd be floating or something.

No, no, no!
I'm in the back of a car,

with a guy that can
relocate his ear!

Oh, this must be Heaven!
Somebody pinch me!

And look at you.

Yeah, you with your face
popping up all over the place.

Yeah, maybe all I did was complain.
Maybe I didn't help anyone.

But at least I wasn't
just showing up,

trying to scare people
24 hours a day!

Oh, there's a lot of things
that need to be changed around here!

And as soon
as I see a little bit more,

I'm gonna give you a full,
detailed rundown

of the way things should be!
And you're gonna hear it, man!

You're gonna hear it all!

Not this time, pal!

First, when people think
about death and dying,

they're building up expectations.

And it is your responsibility
to make sure they're not let down.

And whoa!
Believe me!

This is one, gigantic let-down!

For instance, when you die,

did you ever think maybe you'd like
to see someone that you like?

You know,
like a relative or something?

Not some rubber-faced
limbo champion!

Oh yeah, I'm dead now.
Please bring in Mr. Play-Doh Face.

That would be nice!
I'd like to be annoyed for eternity!

Bring me the loser!
Yeah, I love being around him!

It's great!

Thane?

Hey, Thane!
Thane?

Hey... God, Tha--
Thane!

I can't believe this.

I gotta call the police.
Hey!

You're alive?

- Yeah?
- You were dead!

Was I?

You were laying right there.
You had no pulse.

Really?

What happened?

Do you remember anything?

This limo.

And there was this guy
that took his ear off.

I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.

Wait, wait, wait.
Y-you feel up to that?

I mean... are you okay?

I feel great!

- Come on, let's go.
- You mean go out?

And get something to eat
at a restaurant?

Yeah, what's the problem?

Hey, Thane, let me get this straight.
You wanna go to a restaurant?

Yeah, but I'm telling you, man,
they better have cereal.

And none of this: "Oh, we only
serve it in the morning."

I'm sorry.

This time I'm gonna
have to put my foot down.

I'm not taking him.

There's no way I can
be around that guy.

And I'm not coming back
for him, either.