Her Alibi (1989) - full transcript

[Siren]

Why can't people get
themselves murdered
on the ground floor?

Lieutenant.

Hey, Chaney.
Putting on some weight?

Where's
the main event?

Down there.

Oh, Jesus.
Who was he?

Student. A few
lived here.

One of them called?

No. Neighbor,
floor below.

Heard
some yelling.



Did he see anything?

No. Nothing.

It's hot as hell.

What were they
yelling about?

Don't know.

All in some
weirdo language.

Could this neighbor
tell how many there were?

He wasn't sure.
Two, three...

One woman.

Surprise, surprise.

"but the lipstick-stained
cigarette in the ashtray

"said this was no dream.

"so there was
just one problem--

"if only he could...



remember what
she looked like"?

You don't like it.

I didn't--

I know.
it's not that good.

I reread this last night.

This has an edge

That your new stuff
doesn't have.

I won't
lie to you, Phil.

The publishers
are getting antsy.

You need
a best-seller soon.

It's a dry spell.

Of course.

These things
happen to writers.

It's been two years.

Four.

Four.

Christ.

Christ. Yeah,
I'm researching
all the time.

I can't come up
with any new crimes.

Get married again.
You'll think
of new crimes.

The last thing
I need is
another woman.

You haven't
been with a woman
since Susan.

That's not true.
I have.

Forget Susan.
She left you.

Thanks for
reminding me, Sam.

That's ok.

It must have been
so humiliating--

leaving you
for a literary critic.

Why would
you think that?

That's what you need.

What I need
is a story.

Sleep with her
and take notes.

Uh, miss?

Go for it.

Go on.

Hi.

My name's Phil.

I wrote this.

Mine's Karen,
and, uh...I wrote this.

188-104-39a,

The state of New York
vs. Richard Ryan.

My client has
never dealt drugs.

He claims the only drug
he's used is aspirin,

and frankly,
I believe him.

Ok, ok.
we accept possession,

But let's
forget assault.

He's not capable
of assault.

I understood
from the prosecution

that he attacked
a uniformed officer

and that this was seen
by four witnesses.

Hey. Oliver,
fx, Millie.

Hiya, Phil.

Phil, how's
it going?

Good to see
you, man.

You look tired.
Have some liverwurst.

Thanks.
I'm not hungry.

So how
did it go?

Just like Rose said--
felony possession.

He dropped
the assault charge.

You owe me 5 bucks.

Thanks.
See you soon.

How's the new book?

It didn't work out.

I need a new story.
what's happening here?

Drug case
down the hall,

kidnapping--
second floor,

a big malpractice
upstairs.

189-403-26a...

Stick to murders.
they're the cream.

Tony BernardinI's
preliminary.

How does
defense plead?

Not guilty.

Not guilty.
We're asking for
a reasonable bail.

No chance.

Bail is...

500,000.

$500,000.

[Gavel bangs]

That face--
He's an obvious killer.

Remember, a man's innocent
until he's proven guilty.

Is he innocent,
Rose?

Guilty.

Who is that?

Must be the girl
Mason mentioned.

They say
she killed a guy.

326-579-0a,

The state of New York
vs. Nina Ionescu.

Her?

How could she
kill anybody?

Stabbed him
through the heart

with a pair
of 9-inch scissors.

she'll go to prison.

The major drawback
in killing someone.

Your honor, my client
doesn't speak much english.

Guilty
or not guilty?

I'm requesting
a 24-hour continuance

to talk with my client

through a Romanian
interpreter.

Granted.

Chapter one.

The tough heart

of private eye
Peter Swift

turned to molten lava

when he saw her
in that courtroom.

She had
the face of an angel,

fragile, ethereal.

He wondered what
her breasts looked like.

She has a valid
student visa.

That's about
all we know.

We want to help you.

You don't understand
a word I'm saying.

Would you like
to confess?

In lieu of that,

would you like
to have my children?

Careful, Craig.

The dead guy was
probably her lover.

What a way to go.

Craig, it's
the embassy guys.

Hello, I'm craig farrell,
assistant D.A.

Eugene Mason,
public defender's office.

Frank Polito,
homicide.

Troppa, Comanescu,
Avram.

I'm told you
won't release her

To Romanian
government.

Sorry, comrade.
no can do.

But the victim
was Romanian citizen.

He made the mistake
of getting killed here.

The D.A.'s
trying the case.

I will talk to her?

Be my guest.

Excuse me.
What's she saying?

She's begging
for our assistance.

What the hell
was that all about?

Maybe that's how
they say goodbye
in Romanian.

Congratulations, Jack.

Wonderful book.
Wonderful.

To Margaret, please.

What have you
been doing, Philip?

I've been working, Jack.

Glad to hear that.

I thought you'd
forsaken writing
altogether.

I miss that
character of yours,

That Peter...Swine?

Swift.

Of course.
He's so populist.

Jack, darling,
I couldn't
put it down.

The best.
Just brilliant work.

You must
sign this book.

Jack, it is superb.

Riveting, riveting.

Jack's a damned
fine writer.

He's a pretentious ass.

He plagiarizes
every word.

His stuff's
so predictable.

I can write him
off the page

with my eyes closed.

So why don't you?

Maybe I will.

Meaning?

I think
I've found a story.

It could be good.

So what's
the problem?

My inspiration's
kind of locked up.

You think Balzac
waited for inspiration?

You think Harold Robbins
waits for inspiration?

Phil.

One of the most eligible
bachelors in town.

You're looking so svelte.

How do you do it?

Liposuction.

Oh, you're so witty.

Swift had penetrated
enemy headquarters.

His mastery of disguise
was legendary.

[Metal detector beeps]

Was this a trick?

Were they actually aware
of his brazen plan?

Swift suspected
these thugs

were leading him
into a trap.

How you doing,
Raynette?

Ok.

The nubile
scandinavian guard

hurled the door open.

He was brutally
flung inside.

This is it, father.

Thanks, dear--
uh...my child.

Um...

[Speaking romanian]

The word
for "confession,"
father, is spovedania.

Spovedania.
Thank you.

[Speaking romanian]

What did I say?

You just said your
mother's an octopus.

You do speak english.

You know,
father, I'm from
a communist country.

We have no religion.

I have nothing
to confess.

No one's without sin.

There must be something.

Yes, uh...

Uh, I had, uh...
impure thoughts.

Really?

I mean, uh...

Were they, uh, thoughts
of anyone in particular

or just random lust?

Just, uh...random?

Yes, my child.

And, uh, I de...

de...tee...

deceased?

Destroy.

Decapitated?

des--despaired.

That's it? nothing else
you want to tell me?

Take your time.

You didn't cheat at cards,
steal anything?

No insider trading?

Murder anybody?

I have nothing more
to confess.

Well, I can't tell you
how happy that makes me.

Uh...
what about my penance?

What?

Penance?

You're forgiven.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Look...

it's my turn to confess.

I'm not a priest.

Me, neither.

You work for the police.

No, I don't.

Who, then

Not for anybody.

I, uh, don't understand.

I was in court
when you were arraigned.

I'd like to help you.

How

I can give you an alibi.

They will
never believe it.

Well, maybe they will.

And if they don't?

What have you
got to lose?

So...

What do you want...

Sex?

No.

No, no. God, no.

No. Nothing like that.

So, why are
you doing this?

Because, I...

I don't know...

But I'm your only hope.

So, what is this alibi?

We're having an affair.

Since when?

Since last week
she's been with me.

Sam knows about her.

Is that right?

That's right.

Where was
this affair?

In my place
in Connecticut.

How'd you meet her?

I already told you.

At a lecture
I was giving.

Bullshit.

Actually, it was
a brilliant analysis

of the american
detective novel

from Poe
to Chandler.

Not the lecture,
the meeting.

There was no meeting,
not then.

I met Nina
after the lecture.

Yes, he did.
I was there.

Billiant analysis
of the american--

Did I already
tell you this?

Lsten to this crap.

Excuse us a minute,
please.

We have to take
this one seriously.

We're running
about five years behind

in murder cases anyway.

You're buying
his bullshit?

He's lying.

Why would he?

Are you blind?
Did you look at her?

Evidence against her
isn't conclusive.

Nobody saw her
do anything.

Just because
she's a looker--

this political stuff's
a pain in the ass.

We got two solid
citizens with an alibi.

Why would they
make it up?

Do you think
they'll put me

in one of those prisons
for executives?

[workman
whistles]

For you.

Thank you.

Where
are you going?

You have to come
with me.

No.

No?

We agreed.

This alibi
has to be supported.

I could go to jail
for this.

You're right,
you're right. Let's go.

Ok.

Do you have
many friends here?

No.

What do you do
in your spare time?

Nothing.

Sounds like fun.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

She with you?

Yes, and, uh,
I'm very happy about it.

Thank god.
Never thought
this would work.

Uh, Phil,
now do me a favor, hmm?

Get back
to the typewriter.

Right.

How's blackwood?
got him working?

As we speak, Hank.

I hope so. You've
backed him a long time.

There's a buzz around--

If he bombs out,
you do, too.

[Door closes]

Talk to you later.

All right.
Bye-bye.

Yeah. Bye.

You don't have phones
in your cars in Romania?

We don't have phones
in our houses.

What do you do?

I write books.

Oh, what kind of books?

Oh, mystery novels,
thrillers.

Oh.

You're
not impressed.

No. I read
only serious books.

Hmm.

Well...

Here we are.

You did not tell me
you live in a hotel.

I don't.
it's my house.

So, how many people
live here?

I live alone.

There you are.

Ah, you must
be very rich.

Oh, not really.

I do ok.

Here we are.

So, the bathroom's
down the hall.

Closet,
extra towel, bed.

No telephone
in there?

My room's right
down the hall.

In case you need
anything...

Like extra hangers,
blankets...

Unbridled passion.

Despite the dozens
of ravishing creatures

begging to be
part of his life,

Swift had lived alone

since his wife...

was incinerated
several years before

when the microwave
went berserk

during a thunderstorm.

But now a stranger
was living with him,

an exotic,
sensual creature

whose obvious passion
for Swift

was barely contained
beneath a cool facade.

Ahem.

What is this?

What?

This.

I call it soup.

Oh, soap.

Soup.

Can I, uh,
ask you a question?

Um, it is not
personal, I hope.

No.

No.

So, what's
the population
of Romania?

Um...

22,830,000.

Are you married?

And Romania's
91,700 square miles.

As the japanese servants

unobtrusively cleared
away the remnants

of Swift's gourmet meal,

he and the girl exchanged
sparkling repartee.

His turn of phrase
clearly had her entranced.

Yet, perceptive as always,

Swift knew
she needed him,

that without him,

she'd be as helpless
as a lost child.

Jesus.

Um, I do not like bugs.

Well, neither do I,

but I usually scream
at them

and hit them with a copy
of sports illustrated.

How did you do that?

Um, I don't know.
it was just, uh...

instinct?

Yeah. Instinct.

Uh, I'm tired now.

I'm going
to go to bed.

But...

good night.

[Doorbell rings]

Good night.

[Ring]

Lieutenant.

Mr. Blackwood.

Hey, that's
not a bad idea.

You may need that
for more than just bugs.

What do you want?

I was nearby.
I thought I'd check in.

That's thoughtful
of you,

but as you can see,
everything is fine.

Ah, this is nice,
very classy.

It's my kind of house.

Thanks.

Something occurred
to me today.

Did it?

What if she's guilty?

She's innocent.

For the sake
of arguing,

let's say
you're lying

and you didn't
have an affair

or even meet her
until after the crime.

Consider the position
you're in.

I'm a perjurer.

Not just that.

What?

You're the mystery writer.

I thought
you'd figure that out.

While you're alive,
there's a chance

you'd rescind
your phony alibi,
sending her to jail,

and she knows that.

If you die
before rescinding it,

it would stand forever.

Her freedom would be
practically guaranteed
by your death.

It doesn't matter.

She's innocent.

Yeah, well, I just
thought I'd tell you that.

Glad you shared that.

Did you want
to tell me anything else?

Nope.

You mind
if I borrow this?

Be my guest.
I'm going to bed.

Alone?

Yes, alone.

Weren't you
having an affair?

Oh, I have
a headache.

Well, I hope you
have a good lock

on your bedroom door.

Safe dreams, pal.

The cop turned and left,

but his insinuations
hung in the air

like a bad smell.

It was absurd,

But could he be right?

What if she was a killer

and he was
the only thing

standing in the way
of her freedom?

He tried
to relieve the tension

with a strenuous workout,

but even the 200 extra
one-arm push-ups

did nothing to calm him.

"Do any of us,"
Swift wondered,

"really know the person
we fall in love with?"

[Floor creaks]

[Knock at door]

Philip?

Shit.

I'm coming.

Just a second.

Just a second.
I'm coming.

I'm coming.
just a second.

[Ripping]

I'm coming.

Hi.

Uh, I was
just exercising.

Hmm. It looks more
like you were
moving furniture.

That's how I exercise.

Some people
ride bicycles.

Some people jog.

I move furniture.

You're a very odd man.

I take it
that's a compliment.

No, but I wanted
to thank you

for everything that you
have done for me.

Oh.

That's ok.

Anytime you're locked up,
just...

thank you.

Did you sleep well?

Sure. Why not?

You?

Mmm. Ok.

You're reading
one of my books.

I thought you were
strictly Proust
and Dostoevsky.

Oh, I couldn't go
to sleep last night.

I knew
this would help.

Murder becomes her--

it's my personal favorite.

What'd you think?

Oh, it was, um,
how you say...

pre--

profound?

No, no, no, no.

It was per--
was not per--

it's per...

perceptive?

Perfect.

Wait, um, um...
perdictable.

Yeah. Perdictable. Yeah.

You mean, predictable?

Yeah.

I'm going to town.

Um...
I will go with you.

Yeah?

Predictable?

Son of a bitch.

Uh, could you push
that button again?

Shit.

Aah!

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.

Uh, just shut
the engine off.

Nuh.

60% chance of rain--

* bop bop ba loo mop *

The key!
Turn the key!

* and she knows
just what to do *

* I said a girl named Sue *

[Horn honks]

* she knows
just what to do *

* she run
to the east... **

I must have moved, uh...

Gearshift.

Yeah.

That's ok.
Accidents happen.

The destruction
of Pompeii, the Titanic.

It is your fault
anyway.

Why is it my fault?

Because
you get all panic,

And you make me nervous.

Avram.

How about this one?

They don't make
them any sharper.
Surgical steel.

Go ahead.
Feel that edge.

Hmm?

Yeah. It is good.

A knife?

Why would she
tell him nothing?

Swift had to find
the truth for himself.

That night, he crept
with leopard-like stealth

to where he could
observe her...

unnoticed.

What strange,
exotic ritual

was he watching?

He tightened his grip
on the pistol in his hand.

Aah!

From the bedroom

of the otherwise
innocent-looking bungalow,

she stared coldly
into the darkness

like a primeval predator
surveying her prey.

And slowly,
irreversibly...

"she closed
the shutters."

She did that?

Of course not.
It's fiction.

I never liked
this situation

between you and her.

It's very dicey.

You want me
to quit?

No, of course not.

So you like it.

Very promising.

Of course,

This priest stuff
is totally unbelievable,

only a cretin
would do something
that stupid,

but very inventive.

Damn stuff.

So, what
happens next?

I'm not sure.

I thought you
planned out your stories

before you
started writing.

Usually, but
this one's different.

I'm going day to day
on this one.

I'm sorry. Well,
if it's any consolation,

this is your
best work in years.

I know.

Are they going
to have an affair?

I don't know.
I hope so.

Where is she now?

I don't know.
out somewhere.

Buying more weapons,
I suppose.

Attention,
K-Mart shoppers,

for the next 15 minutes,

there will be a blue-light
special on light bulbs.

Brighten your day
with K-Mart quality.

[Speaking romanian]

Bye, Nina.

Where are you going?

My barber's.

But your friend's
still here.

No, he's gone.

I can cut
your hair.

I used to cut
my family's hair.

I'll just skip it.

I don't need
a haircut.

Long hair's
making a comeback.

No, it is not.
Don't be silly.

Now, uh...

Now...

Where
are the scissors?

Scissors?

You know what they are.
Scissors?

There's no scissors.
There were,

but I loaned them
to my brother.

Ah, here they are.

Yeah.

They are sharp enough,
you think?

They look
very dull to me.

Besides, my hair
is very coarse.

Come on. Sit down.

Keep still,
or I'll cut you.

Just a trim,
nothing radical.

Perfect!

God, you're
wonderful at this.

You've cut hair
professionally.

Go on, admit it.

I didn't cut anything.

It's not
how much you cut,

It's what you cut.

Minimalism. It's...

Just sit down.

You're so nervous.

No, I'm relaxed.

I just--I look nervous
when I'm relaxed.

You make fun.

You hide
your feelings in,
how do you say--

sarcasm.

Yeah.

Why do you do that?

Now, move toward me.

Closer, closer,
closer.

Yeah, that's good.

It's great.

Hmm. Very good.

Yes. I'm finished.

Good?

Perfect.

How was it for you?

[Distant thunder]

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

This is beautiful.

Yes.

Philip...

why did your wife
leave you?

She said
she had to grow.

To grow?

I assumed that
she was fully grown

when I married her.

It was, uh,
painful for you,

her leaving.

Yes.

Actually, I'm not being
completely fair about her.

She thought she had
a reason for leaving.

What?

She said she left me
because I wrote.

But you are
a writer.

Yeah.

Well, that's just it.

It was all
very nice at first.

It was very romantic,

very mysterious,
my being a writer,

but she said I never
really did anything,

that I wrote about life,
but I never lived it.

This would make
your wife happy.

What would?

Me.

You?

Yeah.

This--
what you have done,

this alibi
you've given me.

It is something
very different
from your books.

Yeah,
I guess it is.

I do not fit
in your world.

not entirely, no.

But you are doing
something, yes?

Yeah, I guess I am.

It's going to rain.

So? We will dry.

Doesn't it rain
in your books?

I guess it does.

Oops.

[singing
in romanian]

[Humming]

[singing
in romanian]

* bum bum
bum bum bum **

They let their towels
drop to the floor.

His eyes explored
every inch

of her glistening,
wet body.

Her eyes explored
every inch of his...

muscled torso.

He took her
in his arms.

Her breasts squashed
against him.

They kissed.

She nearly passed out
from the rapture,

but Swift, familiar
with this reaction,

gathered her
into his arms

and carried her
into his bedroom.

Careful.

It's not as easy
as it looks.

You got
to allow for wind,

arrow weight,
trajectory...

And don't shoot
that dog.

[Woof woof]

I think you've grasped
the principle.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Doggie.

[Ring]

Hello?

Hey, Blackwood.
Lieutenant Polito.

You're still alive.

Yes, thanks.

Listen, I read
your book.

I've got to tell you
something.

Your work is
a little predictable.

Predictable?

Yeah. You should spend
some time with me.

Get some grit into it.

I'll think about that,
lieutenant.

How's the girl?

Get rid
of those headaches?

You know what
your problem is?

What?

I think
you're jealous.

Is that right?

Yes.

You want
to know why?

I'll bet you've
never had a decent
relationship.

Am I right?

Sure, sure.

You are suspicious
of everything
and everyone.

Let me tell you
something,

the right woman will
change all that.

She'll make you
want to sing.

Ever feel like that?

No. What's
it feel like?

Aah! aah!

Ok. All right.

I didn't ask
for a recital.

Aah! Aah!

Listen to me,
Blackwood.

I'd haul you in
for perjury if I could.

Your ass
would be grass.
understand?

Blackwood?
Are you there?

You--aah!
You have to work

at a relationship.

What are you
talking about?

It's very easy
to get hurt.

All right, I know.
I've been there myself.

Maybe I am a little
jealous of you.

I mean, she's
a beautiful woman,
you know?

Aah! Exactly.

So tell me, um...

what's she like?

Aah!

That good, huh?

Oh, my god.
What have you done now?

This is no time
to make a call.

Lieutenant--aah!
Get down! Get down!

Am I interrupting
something here?

Yes. Don't pull it!
Aah! Aah!

It's coming!
It's coming!

Aah! That's enough.
Leave it alone.

Aah!

Don't touch
the shaft! Aah!

You're pulling
too hard.

She's an animal.

She's an animal.
She's tearing him apart.

You'll never
get it out.

We'll need help.
Aah!

The lucky putz.

I'd better call
an ambulance.

I can get you there
faster.

Watch the tip.
Aah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Reverse.
You need reverse.

Open the door!

I thought you said
you drove in Romania.

This is how we drive
in Romania.

Oh, no. Lucy!

There goes my
safe driver discount.

[Honk]

What does this word
"yield" mean?

Brake. Brake!

It was the dog.

It jumped up at me.

It was an accident.
Don't blame yourself.

What will you
tell the doctor?

That I shot myself.

With a bow
and arrow?

Aah! I didn't know
it was loaded.

Wait!

That was the hospital
you just passed.

No!

It's ok.

No! Aah!

Aah!

We are here.

The cold, steel shaft
of the arrow

pierced his...
sinewed shoulder.

the pain would
have been unbearable

for the average man,

but Swift pulled it
cleanly from the wound.

His amazing instincts
told him

something was wrong

with her story
about the dog.

As he lifted 400-pound weights,
he was in agony,

but he bore it
in silence.

Aah!

[Thunder]

Aah!

You think she's really
trying to kill you?

No. Yes. Maybe.

Of course not.

I don't know.
why do you ask?

Excuse me.

Because if she
kills you, I'm next.

She's not going
to kill me.

Oh?

Just using you
as target practice?

That was
an accident.

There's no such things
as accidents.

Only plans other people
don't tell you about.

I hope she's a tornado
between the sheets.

I haven't slept
with her yet.

You haven't slept
with her?

Sorry.

Then what's
the point of this?

I love her.

Oh, right.

Why do I keep
forgetting that?

Doesn't anybody
recognize love anymore?

The tensions.
The pain.

Uncertainty.

The cold sweats.

The nauseous feelings
that swell

in the pit
of your stomach.

Where has romance
gone today?

I'm sorry.

I don't buy
this whole thing.

You're jeopardizing
a best-seller.

I think you
should end it.

Sam, you
don't understand.

Even if I wanted to,
I couldn't.

I need her
for this story.

We're writing it
together.

I don't know
what comes next.

Lie. That's
what writers do.

That won't ring true.

Ever since she moved in,
the story just--

it flows.

Sometimes she seems
like a lost child.

other times I think
she's hiding something.

I love her,

and I'm terrified
of her.

Sounds like
a normal relationship.

What drives our characters,

what drives us all,

is lust.

Lust. We're slaves
to its power.

We let it
run our lives.

Well,
don't kid yourselves.

We're all
its willing victims.

Its raw,
molten lasciviousness

motivates all of us.

Uh...

Uh, ahem,
are there any questions?

People say
that you've
based the tough

but suave and
debonair character
Peter Swift

on yourself.
Is that true?

Well, it...

Yes, that's true.

I'm sorry.

His lecture
on laser weapons

to the assembled
anti-terrorism experts

was, as expected,
a great success.

But the girl?

Why was she there?

Was she KGB?
CIA

There was no denying
her physical attributes.

Physical attributes.

But Swift brushed
these thoughts aside

as he went about
his daily routine

of righting wrongs.

And yet...
even now...

was he being
furtively followed?

Finished.

Yeah?

This, um...
how do you say, gen

Genre?

Yeah. Well...
has possibilities.

I'll look forward
to that.

Good.

Your, uh, detective,
uh, Peter Swift,

he never makes love

to the women
that he helps?

He's gay?

No.

It's a code
he lives by.

Oh. Why?

Because that's
the way it is.

Or because that's
the way you want it.

It's the same thing.

What I want
is how it is.

Are you angry at me?

Philip, what is it?

Who are you?

What do you mean?

That's an easy enough
question. Who are you?

I wish
I could tell you.

Then do it.

No.

And why not?

Be--it--

it's for
your own good.

Thank you.
That makes me feel

a whole hell
of a lot better.

I will go.

I don't
want you to go.

I just want you to answer
a question of mine,

one question of mine.

I want to know.

What do you
want to know?

Did you
kill that man?

Her weapon's glare
reflected in his eye,

but he had
faced death before.

He waited for her
to make the first move.

[Door closes]

Swift coolly stood
his ground,

All but daring her
to come and get him.

Aah!

Ahem. Uh, you
were exercising?

What are you
doing here?

For you.

Nina...

My tender femininity
aches to feel
the thrusting

of your
firm maleness.

I'm sorry?

Can you not feel
the twin points

of my two
love globes

crushed against
your chest?

What?

My moist loins

hunger to have you
firmly inside me.

What are you saying?

Words of love.

Oh. Whose words
of love?

Yours, from
your magazine stories.

What magazine?

Playboy?

You read that?

Is that not what
you americans say
when you...

Ha ha.

What is so funny?

You were
laughing at me.

I wasn't.

Nina, I wasn't
laughing at you.

Oh, hell.

You don't have to
memorize anything.

It'll come out
of you naturally

in any language.

[Speaking romanian]

What's that mean?

My moist loins
hunger to...

Swift poured himself
a bourbon

and watched
from the patio

as she dived into
the azure mediterranean.

The tension
was finally broken.

fear had been replaced
by passion.

But more than that,
he was assured

this was no murderess.

This was the best sex
he ever had.

He never felt happier
or safer.

Lieutenant,
fire chief says

could have been
a gas main
or a bomb.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, my god.

Is he all right?

He's stable.
Just shocked.

I'm fine.

Most accidents
happen near
the house.

So do most murders.

It was an accident.

Really?
And where were you
when it happened?

I was, uh,
just inside the door.

And her?

She was in the pool.

How convenient.

Don't say
another word.

You're very kind.

Yes, but that's
not the point.

We're delighted
you're staying with us.

Come and have
some, dear.

You're very
underweight.

Tony, get away
from that old barn!

Phil, what are
you making, meteorites?

Oh, uh, sorry.

I hope you like
your burgers
well-done.

You know, Phil,
Nina's a marvelous girl.

She's so unusual.

That accent,
is that for real?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

We know you're
an independent guy

and you pride yourself

on being like
your detective character,

but something's
bothering you.

We're worried
about you.

We're your family.
we care.

We want you
to open up to us.

Break that facade
and let what
you're feeling out.

Talk to us, Phil.

Why keep secrets
from your brother?

I'm an emotional
nomad.

When Susan left me,
it killed me.

I asked myself--

am I looking
for something
too perfect?

Then along
comes Nina.

She makes me feel
like no one has
in a long time--

salad needs
more salt.

It has salt.
I think it needs dill.

In one way,
I love her,

but then again,
I loved Susan,

and one day
this stranger
left me.

Try paprika.

Parsley.

Still I had doubts,

but who doesn't
doubt the person
they love?

There's always
a part of someone
you never know.

Parsley makes
erections
last longer.

How is it?

I'll let you know
tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Phil.

You were saying
there's someone
in your house

you didn't know

Mom, Dad, Tony's
stuck on the roof!

Oh, my god.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Tony, stay still!

Don't move!

Get a ladder.

I lent it
to the sinclairs.

Honey, just
stay calm.

Daddy's going
to get you down.

I am calm.

I'll get him.

Don't you
dare move.

That rope's
too short.

We need something.
here's a barrel.

How did he
get up there?

He used the hole
in the barn and climbed--

all right.
shut up!

Tony, stay still.

Grab this, Phil.

What is
all the fuss about?

If he falls, he falls.

Don't look down.

Will you two hurry?

Coming, tony!

Hold on, son.

I got it.

There you go.

Oh, no!

Aah!

Clowns.

Phil, are you
all right?

Sorry, buddy.

That was great, Gary.
Let's do it again.

Here comes wonder woman.

What?

I could do that.

Swift realized
the child's only chance

lay in his hands.

Unconcerned
for his own safety,

Swift scaled
the towering wall

of the embassy.

Bracing himself

against the powerful
alpine winds,

he calmly walked
the crest of the roof,

at least 300 feet
above the courtyard.

Oh!
Watch out!

The tile broke
in his grasp,

and the startled screams
of the women watching

rose like prayers
from below.

All right.
Now we're going
to get you down.

You put this leg
over on this side.

Good.

Finally, Swift reached
the terrified child

and swung him
through the bay window

of the embassy

into his mother's
outstretched

and eternally grateful
arms.

Smart ass.

What did you say
she did back in Romania?

Receptionist?

my friend
in immigration

learned something
about the girl.

Her family was here
in America last year.

Why?

Don't know. Her file
was withdrawn.

Shit.

Well, I'm still
working on it.

There's a D.A.
owes me a favor.

Thanks, Rose.

Bye.

[Speaking romanian]

Atunci
la inmorminatare.

Da. Inmorminatare.

Inmorminatare.

Inmorminatare Grimaldi.

Swift, an expert linguist,
recognized the word

from the time he spent
behind the iron curtain.

It was the Romanian word
for...

funeral.

Greg is so busy.

Oh, you poor thing.

I'll bring it up
to the board monday.

We agreed.
no shop talk tonight.

So where's
the bulgarian beauty
I've heard about?

Romanian.

What do you mean,
you won't be at dinner?

It's a Romanian custom.

What is?

On St. Stanislaw
day,

the youngest woman
in the house,

usually a virgin,
prepares a meal

and then she leaves.

For how long?

Until after.

You must keep
one empty seat
for me.

That's a perfectly
lovely custom.

I never heard of it.

What did
St. Stanislaw do?

He was martyred.

Naturally. By whom?

Um, by heretics.

You see, they lived

in the forest
of pain.

St. Stanislaw
went to convert them,

but they captured him,
cut his tongue out,

hung him naked
by his testicles,

and burned him alive.

Charming. Sort of
a Romanian triathlon.

Ah, I think
it is ready now.

Great. Can't wait
to taste it.

Bad luck.

Where are you going
during dinner?

For a walk.

All alone?

No. The woods
will be full

of romanian virgins
swapping recipes.

Remember to toast
to my health
while I'm gone.

I love you.

See you later.

[Meow]

Beeswax, get away
from there!

Sorry, Beeswax.

There you go.

You can have
Nina's share.

My compliments
to the absent chef.

Absolutely.

To Nina.

Hear, hear.

To the chef. Ok.

Still nervous, Phil?

No, no.

Look at him.
He's a wreck.

You want my advice?
Marry her.

She's a little
too young for him.

You never know
who you're marrying,
do you?

People change.

This isn't the woman
I married

15 years ago.

You're
damn right.

That woman lives
on Central
Park west.

You married me
12 years ago.

Whatever.

Laura.

and this arrow comes
right through the door

and skewers me
in the ass.

It's all comical now.

I was convinced
she did it on purpose.

On purpose?

Here's the best part.

I thought she tried
to blow up my house.

He thought
she tried to blow up
the house.

Am I an idiot?

You're an idiot.
You're an idiot.

How could I
suspect her?

Who wants
more casserole?

Oh!

I do.

Thank you.

More. More.

I'll get it.

Honey,
you shouldn't.

It won't kill me.

Greg, did Gary
tell you

what Nina did
yesterday?

What's the matter,
Beeswax, too much
casserole?

Beeswax?

Beeswax?

Beeswax, come on.

I think they're
an adorable couple.

She has
a surface beauty,

but that's no basis
for a long-term
relationship.

What is?

Love.

Right.

She poisoned us!

No, really.

I'm serious!

The casserole.

The cat.

The cat!

Oh, my god,
it's true!

How could you
fall in love
with a murderer?

It's not easy
to meet girls.

My beautiful Beeswax.

There's got
to be an antidote.

Nice going, Phil.

Don't worry.

Give me
that cheesecake!

What about
your diet?

Screw my diet.

St. Stanislaw.
I knew she
made it up.

Here, try the antidote
for liquid drain opener.

No. You try it.

Let's get
this stuff analyzed.

I'd rather die.

We better throw up.

Throw up, come on!

Let's go
to the balcony.

Hurry!

That's not
good enough.

They'll pump
our stomachs
in the hospital.

Do you know
the way there?

Believe me,
I know it.

Sam, we never
said goodbye
to the children.

Careful,
don't spill it.

Calm down,
everyone's going
to be fine.

Sweethearts,
it's your mother.

I don't want
to upset you,

but you may never
see us again.

I have a confession.

I've been lying
about my age for years.

We know.

Why didn't
she just murder you?

Say something
she'll remember.

Thanks, Gary.

I've never been
much of a father, Daphne,

I know,

but there's
one bit of advice

that I regard
as invaluable.

Dad, my boyfriend's
on the other line.

I should get my own
parking space here.

Come on, hurry.

I'm suing you,
Blackwood.

I always knew
she was trouble.

Relax,
stomach pumping
doesn't hurt.

Philip?

Um, Consuela,
where is everybody?

[Speaking spanish]

He walked to her
and took her in his arms,

her breasts pressed firmly
against him.

That was the worst
experience of my life.

I've never had
anything that big

stuck down
my throat before.

That's not
what I've heard.

The tough heart
of Peter Swift

turned to molten lava
when he saw her.

She had an angel's face.
fragile.

Her breath
was tantalizing. Arousing,

but as she cut his hair,

Swift felt the cold scissors
brush his neck.

Swift had lived alone

since his wife
was incinerated

when the microwave
went berserk.

Now a stranger
lived with him.

An exotic,
sensual creature.

What if the cop
was right?

What if she
was a murderer?

Do any of us know

the person
we fall in love with?

Was this woman
his lover or murderer?

You'll never work
again, Blackwood.

Gary, I want
to explain something.

Not now, Henry.
we had a rough night.

You know how your cat

is always coming over?

Well, Donna found it
in our basement, dead.

It must have been
around the fuse box

and gotten electrocuted.

Donna wanted
to tell you before,

but she didn't want
to walk into your party

carrying a dead cat,

so she put it
inside your back door.

Look, I'm sorry.

We'll get you
another cat.

Nina.

You think
I'm a murderer.

I don't think that.

It's in your book!

I'm willing to see
the other side.

Did you
give me this alibi

to get ideas
for your book?

I did it
because I knew
you were innocent

and I love you.

No. You're
afraid of me.

Well, fear is part
of any healthy
relationship.

I'm going.

Where?

Oh, wait!

Don't say it--
you can't tell me.

I cannot.

Naturally.
You can't go!

I'm not a character
in your book.

You cannot
make me stay.

You didn't invent me.

You don't
write my words.

I do as I choose.

Now I choose to go.
Goodbye.

[Engine starts]

[Car drives away]

Her family
is still here.

In America?

They disappeared
last month.

It's
my friend's guess

that they
want to defect

and the romanians
want to stop them.

Why doesn't our
state department help?

They don't like
to get involved.

It's a touchy area.

What are her parents,
diplomats?

No. Ready for this?

They're circus
performers.

They're acrobats.

Famous.

National treasures
in Romania.

If the government
loses them,

It's bad P.R.
for the comrades.

Why wouldn't Nina
tell me that?

In her country, you grow up
not trusting anyone.

Half the country
informs on the other half.

That phrase
you wrote--

uh...

im--

uh, in--

inmormin--

It means funeral.

That's right.
the funeral of Grimaldi.

But what or who
is Grimaldi?

A famous clown.

Every year
clowns get together

on the day he died.

That's where
she'll meet her parents.

American clowns
have been hiding them

since they
decided to defect.

Let's tell the cops.

They'll nail us
for perjury.

I'm going to prison.

I'll become
a sex slave

to some drug kingpin.

You won't become
anybody's sex slave.

What will we do?

We'll help her
ourselves.

What do you mean,
ourselves?

Phil, this isn't
the Bolshoi ballet,
you know.

These people
are KGB!

Look, I told you,

If I don't go
through with this,

I don't have
an ending for the book.

Well, steal it!

Plagiarize.

Get in.

Phil, stop
and think about this.

Everybody's saying
my work is detached,

that I live
in an ivory tower.

I'm coming down
from that tower
right now.

I'm going,
with or without you.

What do you say?

Frankly, what I like
most about your books

is they're predictable.

That's a very
comforting quality.
readers love it.

Swift, now attired
in his customary tuxedo

and accompanied
by his african bodyguard,

evaded
the cloying paparazzi

and slipped
into the elegant ballroom,

where he rubbed elbows

with the cream
of society.

Philip!

Nina.

I'm with my parents.

We are going
to defect.

Nina, I'm sorry.

[Toot]

Oh.

That man.

What man?

That clown.

Come, quick.

[Speaking romanian]

Comanescu.

KGB.

[Speaking romanian]

Come on.

Mama, stop.
They'll be waiting

at the main gate.

There must be
another way out.

[Speaking romanian]

What are you
all talking about?

Freeze, Bozo!

Amateur.

Look,
he's one of them.

[speaking
romanian]

Go!

Rapide,
rapide!

Rapide!

You, too. Go on.

No, no.

If you stay,
then I stay.

[speaking
romanian]

[speaking
romanian]

What did he say?

I must go
with him.

Sorry, pal.
The lady's with me.

I go with him.

No! What's romanian for
"get lost, dickface"?

What dickface?

Swift knew he had
a formidable opponent,

but the detective's mastery

of karate, judo,
tae kwon do, and macrame,

combined with his gutsy
knack for street fighting,

made him more than a match
for his adversary.

That's
a good one!

Swift played him
like a cat

Toying with
a doomed mouse.

It was only
a matter of time.

[speaking
romanian]

[speaking
romanian]

You guys
need an agent?

[speaking
romanian]

Get your hands up!

Hands up!

His opponent had landed
a few lucky punches.

Swift decided
the time had come

to stop fooling around.

and 1...

2...

3! You're out!

The winner!

I am diplomat,

the romanian
socialist republic.

Yes, sir. Thank you
for the information.

Where are the others?

One over there.

Jesus.

You ok?

I'm fine.

Nina!

Nina!

Pretty
realistic, huh?

That's
more like it.

Where's the third one?

Right here.

Piece of cake.

[Speaking romanian]

Uh, hello.

[Speaking romanian]

How'd you know
where I was?

The feds were working
on this defection deal.

What's happening?

To us.

I heard
it's all approved.

You still have
some formalities

at the state
department.

I'll take you
there.

You're in bad shape.

I never felt better
in my life.

Get in the car.
I'll drive.

Listen, you think
you can manage the rest

without me,
lieutenant?

I'll give it a try.

That night, Swift returned

to his lavishly refurbished
Manhattan penthouse,

where his personal code

of never falling in love
with a client or suspect

finally came
to be broken.

The doubts, the fears
are gone at last,

and yet there
was one thing

the detective
had to know.

Nina.

Hmm?

There's something
I have to know.

The guy
who was murdered...

Oh, yeah.

You know,
the scissors.

Well, you see--

No. They--they
caught my family,

Uh, when we
were about to defect.

And this student,
a romanian,

he came over
to help us,

and, uh, they
started to fight.

And my family, they
managed to escape,

but the...

the man that you
fighted with...

Mmm.

He killed
a student.

Mmm.

I knew you couldn't
have done anything
like that.

I knew it

from the first
moment I saw you.

Aah!

Got it.

You're so nervous.

Why?

Bugs do that to me.

He held her
in his arms

and kissed her
long and hard.

He understood this woman
completely now.

Not a part of her existed
that he didn't know,

except, of course, what she
didn't want him to know.

* your eyelids
are gettin' heavy *

* hard to lift *

* your mind
begins to wander *

* things start to drift *

* your arms
are gettin' heavy *

* hard to lift *

* you sink down
a little deeper *

* you're feeling wonderful *

* feeling wonderful *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* you stare
across the harbor *

* lights along the bay *

* your arms have got
so heavy now *

* they're just gettin'
in your way *

* look *

* now you walkin'
in the holy land *

* yeah, that's you there *

* walkin' with the cane *

* you ask, "what have I done
to deserve this" *

* well, you haven't
done a thing *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin' fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* you stare
across the harbor *

* lights along the bay *

* your arms have got
so heavy now *

* they're just gettin'
in your way *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* baby, you're fallin'
in love *

* baby, you're falling
in love *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin', fallin',
fallin', fallin' *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* baby, you're fallin',
fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin' in love **

captioning made possible by
Warner Bros., Inc.

Captioning performed by
the National Captioning
Institute, Inc.

captions copyright 1989
Warner Bros., Inc.