Her Alibi (1989) - full transcript

A writer of BAD detective novels is in full writers' block. He pretends to be the alibi of a beautiful woman who was arrested for murder at first thinking her innocent, but as she shows more and more interesting abilities (such as knife throwing) he begins to doubt his first assessment. He is still falling for her, but more and more nervous as time passes, and there are more close calls with death on his part.

[Siren]

Why can't people get

themselves murdered

on the ground floor?

Lieutenant.

Hey, Chaney.

Putting on some weight?

Where's

the main event?

Down there.

Oh, Jesus.

Who was he?

Student. A few

lived here.

One of them called?

No. Neighbor,

floor below.

Heard

some yelling.

Did he see anything?

No. Nothing.

It's hot as hell.

What were they

yelling about?

Don't know.

All in some

weirdo language.

Could this neighbor

tell how many there were?

He wasn't sure.

Two, three...

One woman.

Surprise, surprise.

"but the lipstick-stained

cigarette in the ashtray

"said this was no dream.

"so there was

just one problem--

"if only he could...

remember what

she looked like"?

You don't like it.

I didn't--

I know.

it's not that good.

I reread this last night.

This has an edge

That your new stuff

doesn't have.

I won't

lie to you, Phil.

The publishers

are getting antsy.

You need

a best-seller soon.

It's a dry spell.

Of course.

These things

happen to writers.

It's been two years.

Four.

Four.

Christ.

Christ. Yeah,

I'm researching

all the time.

I can't come up

with any new crimes.

Get married again.

You'll think

of new crimes.

The last thing

I need is

another woman.

You haven't

been with a woman

since Susan.

That's not true.

I have.

Forget Susan.

She left you.

Thanks for

reminding me, Sam.

That's ok.

It must have been

so humiliating--

leaving you

for a literary critic.

Why would

you think that?

That's what you need.

What I need

is a story.

Sleep with her

and take notes.

Uh, miss?

Go for it.

Go on.

Hi.

My name's Phil.

I wrote this.

Mine's Karen,

and, uh...I wrote this.

188-104-39a,

The state of New York

vs. Richard Ryan.

My client has

never dealt drugs.

He claims the only drug

he's used is aspirin,

and frankly,

I believe him.

Ok, ok.

we accept possession,

But let's

forget assault.

He's not capable

of assault.

I understood

from the prosecution

that he attacked

a uniformed officer

and that this was seen

by four witnesses.

Hey. Oliver,

fx, Millie.

Hiya, Phil.

Phil, how's

it going?

Good to see

you, man.

You look tired.

Have some liverwurst.

Thanks.

I'm not hungry.

So how

did it go?

Just like Rose said--

felony possession.

He dropped

the assault charge.

You owe me 5 bucks.

Thanks.

See you soon.

How's the new book?

It didn't work out.

I need a new story.

what's happening here?

Drug case

down the hall,

kidnapping--

second floor,

a big malpractice

upstairs.

189-403-26a...

Stick to murders.

they're the cream.

Tony BernardinI's

preliminary.

How does

defense plead?

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

We're asking for

a reasonable bail.

No chance.

Bail is...

500,000.

$500,000.

[Gavel bangs]

That face--

He's an obvious killer.

Remember, a man's innocent

until he's proven guilty.

Is he innocent,

Rose?

Guilty.

Who is that?

Must be the girl

Mason mentioned.

They say

she killed a guy.

326-579-0a,

The state of New York

vs. Nina Ionescu.

Her?

How could she

kill anybody?

Stabbed him

through the heart

with a pair

of 9-inch scissors.

she'll go to prison.

The major drawback

in killing someone.

Your honor, my client

doesn't speak much english.

Guilty

or not guilty?

I'm requesting

a 24-hour continuance

to talk with my client

through a Romanian

interpreter.

Granted.

Chapter one.

The tough heart

of private eye

Peter Swift

turned to molten lava

when he saw her

in that courtroom.

She had

the face of an angel,

fragile, ethereal.

He wondered what

her breasts looked like.

She has a valid

student visa.

That's about

all we know.

We want to help you.

You don't understand

a word I'm saying.

Would you like

to confess?

In lieu of that,

would you like

to have my children?

Careful, Craig.

The dead guy was

probably her lover.

What a way to go.

Craig, it's

the embassy guys.

Hello, I'm craig farrell,

assistant D.A.

Eugene Mason,

public defender's office.

Frank Polito,

homicide.

Troppa, Comanescu,

Avram.

I'm told you

won't release her

To Romanian

government.

Sorry, comrade.

no can do.

But the victim

was Romanian citizen.

He made the mistake

of getting killed here.

The D.A.'s

trying the case.

I will talk to her?

Be my guest.

Excuse me.

What's she saying?

She's begging

for our assistance.

What the hell

was that all about?

Maybe that's how

they say goodbye

in Romanian.

Congratulations, Jack.

Wonderful book.

Wonderful.

To Margaret, please.

What have you

been doing, Philip?

I've been working, Jack.

Glad to hear that.

I thought you'd

forsaken writing

altogether.

I miss that

character of yours,

That Peter...Swine?

Swift.

Of course.

He's so populist.

Jack, darling,

I couldn't

put it down.

The best.

Just brilliant work.

You must

sign this book.

Jack, it is superb.

Riveting, riveting.

Jack's a damned

fine writer.

He's a pretentious ass.

He plagiarizes

every word.

His stuff's

so predictable.

I can write him

off the page

with my eyes closed.

So why don't you?

Maybe I will.

Meaning?

I think

I've found a story.

It could be good.

So what's

the problem?

My inspiration's

kind of locked up.

You think Balzac

waited for inspiration?

You think Harold Robbins

waits for inspiration?

Phil.

One of the most eligible

bachelors in town.

You're looking so svelte.

How do you do it?

Liposuction.

Oh, you're so witty.

Swift had penetrated

enemy headquarters.

His mastery of disguise

was legendary.

[Metal detector beeps]

Was this a trick?

Were they actually aware

of his brazen plan?

Swift suspected

these thugs

were leading him

into a trap.

How you doing,

Raynette?

Ok.

The nubile

scandinavian guard

hurled the door open.

He was brutally

flung inside.

This is it, father.

Thanks, dear--

uh...my child.

Um...

[Speaking romanian]

The word

for "confession,"

father, is spovedania.

Spovedania.

Thank you.

[Speaking romanian]

What did I say?

You just said your

mother's an octopus.

You do speak english.

You know,

father, I'm from

a communist country.

We have no religion.

I have nothing

to confess.

No one's without sin.

There must be something.

Yes, uh...

Uh, I had, uh...

impure thoughts.

Really?

I mean, uh...

Were they, uh, thoughts

of anyone in particular

or just random lust?

Just, uh...random?

Yes, my child.

And, uh, I de...

de...tee...

deceased?

Destroy.

Decapitated?

des--despaired.

That's it? nothing else

you want to tell me?

Take your time.

You didn't cheat at cards,

steal anything?

No insider trading?

Murder anybody?

I have nothing more

to confess.

Well, I can't tell you

how happy that makes me.

Uh...

what about my penance?

What?

Penance?

You're forgiven.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Look...

it's my turn to confess.

I'm not a priest.

Me, neither.

You work for the police.

No, I don't.

Who, then

Not for anybody.

I, uh, don't understand.

I was in court

when you were arraigned.

I'd like to help you.

How

I can give you an alibi.

They will

never believe it.

Well, maybe they will.

And if they don't?

What have you

got to lose?

So...

What do you want...

Sex?

No.

No, no. God, no.

No. Nothing like that.

So, why are

you doing this?

Because, I...

I don't know...

But I'm your only hope.

So, what is this alibi?

We're having an affair.

Since when?

Since last week

she's been with me.

Sam knows about her.

Is that right?

That's right.

Where was

this affair?

In my place

in Connecticut.

How'd you meet her?

I already told you.

At a lecture

I was giving.

Bullshit.

Actually, it was

a brilliant analysis

of the american

detective novel

from Poe

to Chandler.

Not the lecture,

the meeting.

There was no meeting,

not then.

I met Nina

after the lecture.

Yes, he did.

I was there.

Billiant analysis

of the american--

Did I already

tell you this?

Lsten to this crap.

Excuse us a minute,

please.

We have to take

this one seriously.

We're running

about five years behind

in murder cases anyway.

You're buying

his bullshit?

He's lying.

Why would he?

Are you blind?

Did you look at her?

Evidence against her

isn't conclusive.

Nobody saw her

do anything.

Just because

she's a looker--

this political stuff's

a pain in the ass.

We got two solid

citizens with an alibi.

Why would they

make it up?

Do you think

they'll put me

in one of those prisons

for executives?

[workman

whistles]

For you.

Thank you.

Where

are you going?

You have to come

with me.

No.

No?

We agreed.

This alibi

has to be supported.

I could go to jail

for this.

You're right,

you're right. Let's go.

Ok.

Do you have

many friends here?

No.

What do you do

in your spare time?

Nothing.

Sounds like fun.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

She with you?

Yes, and, uh,

I'm very happy about it.

Thank god.

Never thought

this would work.

Uh, Phil,

now do me a favor, hmm?

Get back

to the typewriter.

Right.

How's blackwood?

got him working?

As we speak, Hank.

I hope so. You've

backed him a long time.

There's a buzz around--

If he bombs out,

you do, too.

[Door closes]

Talk to you later.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Yeah. Bye.

You don't have phones

in your cars in Romania?

We don't have phones

in our houses.

What do you do?

I write books.

Oh, what kind of books?

Oh, mystery novels,

thrillers.

Oh.

You're

not impressed.

No. I read

only serious books.

Hmm.

Well...

Here we are.

You did not tell me

you live in a hotel.

I don't.

it's my house.

So, how many people

live here?

I live alone.

There you are.

Ah, you must

be very rich.

Oh, not really.

I do ok.

Here we are.

So, the bathroom's

down the hall.

Closet,

extra towel, bed.

No telephone

in there?

My room's right

down the hall.

In case you need

anything...

Like extra hangers,

blankets...

Unbridled passion.

Despite the dozens

of ravishing creatures

begging to be

part of his life,

Swift had lived alone

since his wife...

was incinerated

several years before

when the microwave

went berserk

during a thunderstorm.

But now a stranger

was living with him,

an exotic,

sensual creature

whose obvious passion

for Swift

was barely contained

beneath a cool facade.

Ahem.

What is this?

What?

This.

I call it soup.

Oh, soap.

Soup.

Can I, uh,

ask you a question?

Um, it is not

personal, I hope.

No.

No.

So, what's

the population

of Romania?

Um...

22,830,000.

Are you married?

And Romania's

91,700 square miles.

As the japanese servants

unobtrusively cleared

away the remnants

of Swift's gourmet meal,

he and the girl exchanged

sparkling repartee.

His turn of phrase

clearly had her entranced.

Yet, perceptive as always,

Swift knew

she needed him,

that without him,

she'd be as helpless

as a lost child.

Jesus.

Um, I do not like bugs.

Well, neither do I,

but I usually scream

at them

and hit them with a copy

of sports illustrated.

How did you do that?

Um, I don't know.

it was just, uh...

instinct?

Yeah. Instinct.

Uh, I'm tired now.

I'm going

to go to bed.

But...

good night.

[Doorbell rings]

Good night.

[Ring]

Lieutenant.

Mr. Blackwood.

Hey, that's

not a bad idea.

You may need that

for more than just bugs.

What do you want?

I was nearby.

I thought I'd check in.

That's thoughtful

of you,

but as you can see,

everything is fine.

Ah, this is nice,

very classy.

It's my kind of house.

Thanks.

Something occurred

to me today.

Did it?

What if she's guilty?

She's innocent.

For the sake

of arguing,

let's say

you're lying

and you didn't

have an affair

or even meet her

until after the crime.

Consider the position

you're in.

I'm a perjurer.

Not just that.

What?

You're the mystery writer.

I thought

you'd figure that out.

While you're alive,

there's a chance

you'd rescind

your phony alibi,

sending her to jail,

and she knows that.

If you die

before rescinding it,

it would stand forever.

Her freedom would be

practically guaranteed

by your death.

It doesn't matter.

She's innocent.

Yeah, well, I just

thought I'd tell you that.

Glad you shared that.

Did you want

to tell me anything else?

Nope.

You mind

if I borrow this?

Be my guest.

I'm going to bed.

Alone?

Yes, alone.

Weren't you

having an affair?

Oh, I have

a headache.

Well, I hope you

have a good lock

on your bedroom door.

Safe dreams, pal.

The cop turned and left,

but his insinuations

hung in the air

like a bad smell.

It was absurd,

But could he be right?

What if she was a killer

and he was

the only thing

standing in the way

of her freedom?

He tried

to relieve the tension

with a strenuous workout,

but even the 200 extra

one-arm push-ups

did nothing to calm him.

"Do any of us,"

Swift wondered,

"really know the person

we fall in love with?"

[Floor creaks]

[Knock at door]

Philip?

Shit.

I'm coming.

Just a second.

Just a second.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

just a second.

[Ripping]

I'm coming.

Hi.

Uh, I was

just exercising.

Hmm. It looks more

like you were

moving furniture.

That's how I exercise.

Some people

ride bicycles.

Some people jog.

I move furniture.

You're a very odd man.

I take it

that's a compliment.

No, but I wanted

to thank you

for everything that you

have done for me.

Oh.

That's ok.

Anytime you're locked up,

just...

thank you.

Did you sleep well?

Sure. Why not?

You?

Mmm. Ok.

You're reading

one of my books.

I thought you were

strictly Proust

and Dostoevsky.

Oh, I couldn't go

to sleep last night.

I knew

this would help.

Murder becomes her--

it's my personal favorite.

What'd you think?

Oh, it was, um,

how you say...

pre--

profound?

No, no, no, no.

It was per--

was not per--

it's per...

perceptive?

Perfect.

Wait, um, um...

perdictable.

Yeah. Perdictable. Yeah.

You mean, predictable?

Yeah.

I'm going to town.

Um...

I will go with you.

Yeah?

Predictable?

Son of a bitch.

Uh, could you push

that button again?

Shit.

Aah!

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.

Uh, just shut

the engine off.

Nuh.

60% chance of rain--

* bop bop ba loo mop *

The key!

Turn the key!

* and she knows

just what to do *

* I said a girl named Sue *

[Horn honks]

* she knows

just what to do *

* she run

to the east... **

I must have moved, uh...

Gearshift.

Yeah.

That's ok.

Accidents happen.

The destruction

of Pompeii, the Titanic.

It is your fault

anyway.

Why is it my fault?

Because

you get all panic,

And you make me nervous.

Avram.

How about this one?

They don't make

them any sharper.

Surgical steel.

Go ahead.

Feel that edge.

Hmm?

Yeah. It is good.

A knife?

Why would she

tell him nothing?

Swift had to find

the truth for himself.

That night, he crept

with leopard-like stealth

to where he could

observe her...

unnoticed.

What strange,

exotic ritual

was he watching?

He tightened his grip

on the pistol in his hand.

Aah!

From the bedroom

of the otherwise

innocent-looking bungalow,

she stared coldly

into the darkness

like a primeval predator

surveying her prey.

And slowly,

irreversibly...

"she closed

the shutters."

She did that?

Of course not.

It's fiction.

I never liked

this situation

between you and her.

It's very dicey.

You want me

to quit?

No, of course not.

So you like it.

Very promising.

Of course,

This priest stuff

is totally unbelievable,

only a cretin

would do something

that stupid,

but very inventive.

Damn stuff.

So, what

happens next?

I'm not sure.

I thought you

planned out your stories

before you

started writing.

Usually, but

this one's different.

I'm going day to day

on this one.

I'm sorry. Well,

if it's any consolation,

this is your

best work in years.

I know.

Are they going

to have an affair?

I don't know.

I hope so.

Where is she now?

I don't know.

out somewhere.

Buying more weapons,

I suppose.

Attention,

K-Mart shoppers,

for the next 15 minutes,

there will be a blue-light

special on light bulbs.

Brighten your day

with K-Mart quality.

[Speaking romanian]

Bye, Nina.

Where are you going?

My barber's.

But your friend's

still here.

No, he's gone.

I can cut

your hair.

I used to cut

my family's hair.

I'll just skip it.

I don't need

a haircut.

Long hair's

making a comeback.

No, it is not.

Don't be silly.

Now, uh...

Now...

Where

are the scissors?

Scissors?

You know what they are.

Scissors?

There's no scissors.

There were,

but I loaned them

to my brother.

Ah, here they are.

Yeah.

They are sharp enough,

you think?

They look

very dull to me.

Besides, my hair

is very coarse.

Come on. Sit down.

Keep still,

or I'll cut you.

Just a trim,

nothing radical.

Perfect!

God, you're

wonderful at this.

You've cut hair

professionally.

Go on, admit it.

I didn't cut anything.

It's not

how much you cut,

It's what you cut.

Minimalism. It's...

Just sit down.

You're so nervous.

No, I'm relaxed.

I just--I look nervous

when I'm relaxed.

You make fun.

You hide

your feelings in,

how do you say--

sarcasm.

Yeah.

Why do you do that?

Now, move toward me.

Closer, closer,

closer.

Yeah, that's good.

It's great.

Hmm. Very good.

Yes. I'm finished.

Good?

Perfect.

How was it for you?

[Distant thunder]

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

This is beautiful.

Yes.

Philip...

why did your wife

leave you?

She said

she had to grow.

To grow?

I assumed that

she was fully grown

when I married her.

It was, uh,

painful for you,

her leaving.

Yes.

Actually, I'm not being

completely fair about her.

She thought she had

a reason for leaving.

What?

She said she left me

because I wrote.

But you are

a writer.

Yeah.

Well, that's just it.

It was all

very nice at first.

It was very romantic,

very mysterious,

my being a writer,

but she said I never

really did anything,

that I wrote about life,

but I never lived it.

This would make

your wife happy.

What would?

Me.

You?

Yeah.

This--

what you have done,

this alibi

you've given me.

It is something

very different

from your books.

Yeah,

I guess it is.

I do not fit

in your world.

not entirely, no.

But you are doing

something, yes?

Yeah, I guess I am.

It's going to rain.

So? We will dry.

Doesn't it rain

in your books?

I guess it does.

Oops.

[singing

in romanian]

[Humming]

[singing

in romanian]

* bum bum

bum bum bum **

They let their towels

drop to the floor.

His eyes explored

every inch

of her glistening,

wet body.

Her eyes explored

every inch of his...

muscled torso.

He took her

in his arms.

Her breasts squashed

against him.

They kissed.

She nearly passed out

from the rapture,

but Swift, familiar

with this reaction,

gathered her

into his arms

and carried her

into his bedroom.

Careful.

It's not as easy

as it looks.

You got

to allow for wind,

arrow weight,

trajectory...

And don't shoot

that dog.

[Woof woof]

I think you've grasped

the principle.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Doggie.

[Ring]

Hello?

Hey, Blackwood.

Lieutenant Polito.

You're still alive.

Yes, thanks.

Listen, I read

your book.

I've got to tell you

something.

Your work is

a little predictable.

Predictable?

Yeah. You should spend

some time with me.

Get some grit into it.

I'll think about that,

lieutenant.

How's the girl?

Get rid

of those headaches?

You know what

your problem is?

What?

I think

you're jealous.

Is that right?

Yes.

You want

to know why?

I'll bet you've

never had a decent

relationship.

Am I right?

Sure, sure.

You are suspicious

of everything

and everyone.

Let me tell you

something,

the right woman will

change all that.

She'll make you

want to sing.

Ever feel like that?

No. What's

it feel like?

Aah! aah!

Ok. All right.

I didn't ask

for a recital.

Aah! Aah!

Listen to me,

Blackwood.

I'd haul you in

for perjury if I could.

Your ass

would be grass.

understand?

Blackwood?

Are you there?

You--aah!

You have to work

at a relationship.

What are you

talking about?

It's very easy

to get hurt.

All right, I know.

I've been there myself.

Maybe I am a little

jealous of you.

I mean, she's

a beautiful woman,

you know?

Aah! Exactly.

So tell me, um...

what's she like?

Aah!

That good, huh?

Oh, my god.

What have you done now?

This is no time

to make a call.

Lieutenant--aah!

Get down! Get down!

Am I interrupting

something here?

Yes. Don't pull it!

Aah! Aah!

It's coming!

It's coming!

Aah! That's enough.

Leave it alone.

Aah!

Don't touch

the shaft! Aah!

You're pulling

too hard.

She's an animal.

She's an animal.

She's tearing him apart.

You'll never

get it out.

We'll need help.

Aah!

The lucky putz.

I'd better call

an ambulance.

I can get you there

faster.

Watch the tip.

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Reverse.

You need reverse.

Open the door!

I thought you said

you drove in Romania.

This is how we drive

in Romania.

Oh, no. Lucy!

There goes my

safe driver discount.

[Honk]

What does this word

"yield" mean?

Brake. Brake!

It was the dog.

It jumped up at me.

It was an accident.

Don't blame yourself.

What will you

tell the doctor?

That I shot myself.

With a bow

and arrow?

Aah! I didn't know

it was loaded.

Wait!

That was the hospital

you just passed.

No!

It's ok.

No! Aah!

Aah!

We are here.

The cold, steel shaft

of the arrow

pierced his...

sinewed shoulder.

the pain would

have been unbearable

for the average man,

but Swift pulled it

cleanly from the wound.

His amazing instincts

told him

something was wrong

with her story

about the dog.

As he lifted 400-pound weights,

he was in agony,

but he bore it

in silence.

Aah!

[Thunder]

Aah!

You think she's really

trying to kill you?

No. Yes. Maybe.

Of course not.

I don't know.

why do you ask?

Excuse me.

Because if she

kills you, I'm next.

She's not going

to kill me.

Oh?

Just using you

as target practice?

That was

an accident.

There's no such things

as accidents.

Only plans other people

don't tell you about.

I hope she's a tornado

between the sheets.

I haven't slept

with her yet.

You haven't slept

with her?

Sorry.

Then what's

the point of this?

I love her.

Oh, right.

Why do I keep

forgetting that?

Doesn't anybody

recognize love anymore?

The tensions.

The pain.

Uncertainty.

The cold sweats.

The nauseous feelings

that swell

in the pit

of your stomach.

Where has romance

gone today?

I'm sorry.

I don't buy

this whole thing.

You're jeopardizing

a best-seller.

I think you

should end it.

Sam, you

don't understand.

Even if I wanted to,

I couldn't.

I need her

for this story.

We're writing it

together.

I don't know

what comes next.

Lie. That's

what writers do.

That won't ring true.

Ever since she moved in,

the story just--

it flows.

Sometimes she seems

like a lost child.

other times I think

she's hiding something.

I love her,

and I'm terrified

of her.

Sounds like

a normal relationship.

What drives our characters,

what drives us all,

is lust.

Lust. We're slaves

to its power.

We let it

run our lives.

Well,

don't kid yourselves.

We're all

its willing victims.

Its raw,

molten lasciviousness

motivates all of us.

Uh...

Uh, ahem,

are there any questions?

People say

that you've

based the tough

but suave and

debonair character

Peter Swift

on yourself.

Is that true?

Well, it...

Yes, that's true.

I'm sorry.

His lecture

on laser weapons

to the assembled

anti-terrorism experts

was, as expected,

a great success.

But the girl?

Why was she there?

Was she KGB?

CIA

There was no denying

her physical attributes.

Physical attributes.

But Swift brushed

these thoughts aside

as he went about

his daily routine

of righting wrongs.

And yet...

even now...

was he being

furtively followed?

Finished.

Yeah?

This, um...

how do you say, gen

Genre?

Yeah. Well...

has possibilities.

I'll look forward

to that.

Good.

Your, uh, detective,

uh, Peter Swift,

he never makes love

to the women

that he helps?

He's gay?

No.

It's a code

he lives by.

Oh. Why?

Because that's

the way it is.

Or because that's

the way you want it.

It's the same thing.

What I want

is how it is.

Are you angry at me?

Philip, what is it?

Who are you?

What do you mean?

That's an easy enough

question. Who are you?

I wish

I could tell you.

Then do it.

No.

And why not?

Be--it--

it's for

your own good.

Thank you.

That makes me feel

a whole hell

of a lot better.

I will go.

I don't

want you to go.

I just want you to answer

a question of mine,

one question of mine.

I want to know.

What do you

want to know?

Did you

kill that man?

Her weapon's glare

reflected in his eye,

but he had

faced death before.

He waited for her

to make the first move.

[Door closes]

Swift coolly stood

his ground,

All but daring her

to come and get him.

Aah!

Ahem. Uh, you

were exercising?

What are you

doing here?

For you.

Nina...

My tender femininity

aches to feel

the thrusting

of your

firm maleness.

I'm sorry?

Can you not feel

the twin points

of my two

love globes

crushed against

your chest?

What?

My moist loins

hunger to have you

firmly inside me.

What are you saying?

Words of love.

Oh. Whose words

of love?

Yours, from

your magazine stories.

What magazine?

Playboy?

You read that?

Is that not what

you americans say

when you...

Ha ha.

What is so funny?

You were

laughing at me.

I wasn't.

Nina, I wasn't

laughing at you.

Oh, hell.

You don't have to

memorize anything.

It'll come out

of you naturally

in any language.

[Speaking romanian]

What's that mean?

My moist loins

hunger to...

Swift poured himself

a bourbon

and watched

from the patio

as she dived into

the azure mediterranean.

The tension

was finally broken.

fear had been replaced

by passion.

But more than that,

he was assured

this was no murderess.

This was the best sex

he ever had.

He never felt happier

or safer.

Lieutenant,

fire chief says

could have been

a gas main

or a bomb.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, my god.

Is he all right?

He's stable.

Just shocked.

I'm fine.

Most accidents

happen near

the house.

So do most murders.

It was an accident.

Really?

And where were you

when it happened?

I was, uh,

just inside the door.

And her?

She was in the pool.

How convenient.

Don't say

another word.

You're very kind.

Yes, but that's

not the point.

We're delighted

you're staying with us.

Come and have

some, dear.

You're very

underweight.

Tony, get away

from that old barn!

Phil, what are

you making, meteorites?

Oh, uh, sorry.

I hope you like

your burgers

well-done.

You know, Phil,

Nina's a marvelous girl.

She's so unusual.

That accent,

is that for real?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

We know you're

an independent guy

and you pride yourself

on being like

your detective character,

but something's

bothering you.

We're worried

about you.

We're your family.

we care.

We want you

to open up to us.

Break that facade

and let what

you're feeling out.

Talk to us, Phil.

Why keep secrets

from your brother?

I'm an emotional

nomad.

When Susan left me,

it killed me.

I asked myself--

am I looking

for something

too perfect?

Then along

comes Nina.

She makes me feel

like no one has

in a long time--

salad needs

more salt.

It has salt.

I think it needs dill.

In one way,

I love her,

but then again,

I loved Susan,

and one day

this stranger

left me.

Try paprika.

Parsley.

Still I had doubts,

but who doesn't

doubt the person

they love?

There's always

a part of someone

you never know.

Parsley makes

erections

last longer.

How is it?

I'll let you know

tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Phil.

You were saying

there's someone

in your house

you didn't know

Mom, Dad, Tony's

stuck on the roof!

Oh, my god.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Tony, stay still!

Don't move!

Get a ladder.

I lent it

to the sinclairs.

Honey, just

stay calm.

Daddy's going

to get you down.

I am calm.

I'll get him.

Don't you

dare move.

That rope's

too short.

We need something.

here's a barrel.

How did he

get up there?

He used the hole

in the barn and climbed--

all right.

shut up!

Tony, stay still.

Grab this, Phil.

What is

all the fuss about?

If he falls, he falls.

Don't look down.

Will you two hurry?

Coming, tony!

Hold on, son.

I got it.

There you go.

Oh, no!

Aah!

Clowns.

Phil, are you

all right?

Sorry, buddy.

That was great, Gary.

Let's do it again.

Here comes wonder woman.

What?

I could do that.

Swift realized

the child's only chance

lay in his hands.

Unconcerned

for his own safety,

Swift scaled

the towering wall

of the embassy.

Bracing himself

against the powerful

alpine winds,

he calmly walked

the crest of the roof,

at least 300 feet

above the courtyard.

Oh!

Watch out!

The tile broke

in his grasp,

and the startled screams

of the women watching

rose like prayers

from below.

All right.

Now we're going

to get you down.

You put this leg

over on this side.

Good.

Finally, Swift reached

the terrified child

and swung him

through the bay window

of the embassy

into his mother's

outstretched

and eternally grateful

arms.

Smart ass.

What did you say

she did back in Romania?

Receptionist?

my friend

in immigration

learned something

about the girl.

Her family was here

in America last year.

Why?

Don't know. Her file

was withdrawn.

Shit.

Well, I'm still

working on it.

There's a D.A.

owes me a favor.

Thanks, Rose.

Bye.

[Speaking romanian]

Atunci

la inmorminatare.

Da. Inmorminatare.

Inmorminatare.

Inmorminatare Grimaldi.

Swift, an expert linguist,

recognized the word

from the time he spent

behind the iron curtain.

It was the Romanian word

for...

funeral.

Greg is so busy.

Oh, you poor thing.

I'll bring it up

to the board monday.

We agreed.

no shop talk tonight.

So where's

the bulgarian beauty

I've heard about?

Romanian.

What do you mean,

you won't be at dinner?

It's a Romanian custom.

What is?

On St. Stanislaw

day,

the youngest woman

in the house,

usually a virgin,

prepares a meal

and then she leaves.

For how long?

Until after.

You must keep

one empty seat

for me.

That's a perfectly

lovely custom.

I never heard of it.

What did

St. Stanislaw do?

He was martyred.

Naturally. By whom?

Um, by heretics.

You see, they lived

in the forest

of pain.

St. Stanislaw

went to convert them,

but they captured him,

cut his tongue out,

hung him naked

by his testicles,

and burned him alive.

Charming. Sort of

a Romanian triathlon.

Ah, I think

it is ready now.

Great. Can't wait

to taste it.

Bad luck.

Where are you going

during dinner?

For a walk.

All alone?

No. The woods

will be full

of romanian virgins

swapping recipes.

Remember to toast

to my health

while I'm gone.

I love you.

See you later.

[Meow]

Beeswax, get away

from there!

Sorry, Beeswax.

There you go.

You can have

Nina's share.

My compliments

to the absent chef.

Absolutely.

To Nina.

Hear, hear.

To the chef. Ok.

Still nervous, Phil?

No, no.

Look at him.

He's a wreck.

You want my advice?

Marry her.

She's a little

too young for him.

You never know

who you're marrying,

do you?

People change.

This isn't the woman

I married

15 years ago.

You're

damn right.

That woman lives

on Central

Park west.

You married me

12 years ago.

Whatever.

Laura.

and this arrow comes

right through the door

and skewers me

in the ass.

It's all comical now.

I was convinced

she did it on purpose.

On purpose?

Here's the best part.

I thought she tried

to blow up my house.

He thought

she tried to blow up

the house.

Am I an idiot?

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

How could I

suspect her?

Who wants

more casserole?

Oh!

I do.

Thank you.

More. More.

I'll get it.

Honey,

you shouldn't.

It won't kill me.

Greg, did Gary

tell you

what Nina did

yesterday?

What's the matter,

Beeswax, too much

casserole?

Beeswax?

Beeswax?

Beeswax, come on.

I think they're

an adorable couple.

She has

a surface beauty,

but that's no basis

for a long-term

relationship.

What is?

Love.

Right.

She poisoned us!

No, really.

I'm serious!

The casserole.

The cat.

The cat!

Oh, my god,

it's true!

How could you

fall in love

with a murderer?

It's not easy

to meet girls.

My beautiful Beeswax.

There's got

to be an antidote.

Nice going, Phil.

Don't worry.

Give me

that cheesecake!

What about

your diet?

Screw my diet.

St. Stanislaw.

I knew she

made it up.

Here, try the antidote

for liquid drain opener.

No. You try it.

Let's get

this stuff analyzed.

I'd rather die.

We better throw up.

Throw up, come on!

Let's go

to the balcony.

Hurry!

That's not

good enough.

They'll pump

our stomachs

in the hospital.

Do you know

the way there?

Believe me,

I know it.

Sam, we never

said goodbye

to the children.

Careful,

don't spill it.

Calm down,

everyone's going

to be fine.

Sweethearts,

it's your mother.

I don't want

to upset you,

but you may never

see us again.

I have a confession.

I've been lying

about my age for years.

We know.

Why didn't

she just murder you?

Say something

she'll remember.

Thanks, Gary.

I've never been

much of a father, Daphne,

I know,

but there's

one bit of advice

that I regard

as invaluable.

Dad, my boyfriend's

on the other line.

I should get my own

parking space here.

Come on, hurry.

I'm suing you,

Blackwood.

I always knew

she was trouble.

Relax,

stomach pumping

doesn't hurt.

Philip?

Um, Consuela,

where is everybody?

[Speaking spanish]

He walked to her

and took her in his arms,

her breasts pressed firmly

against him.

That was the worst

experience of my life.

I've never had

anything that big

stuck down

my throat before.

That's not

what I've heard.

The tough heart

of Peter Swift

turned to molten lava

when he saw her.

She had an angel's face.

fragile.

Her breath

was tantalizing. Arousing,

but as she cut his hair,

Swift felt the cold scissors

brush his neck.

Swift had lived alone

since his wife

was incinerated

when the microwave

went berserk.

Now a stranger

lived with him.

An exotic,

sensual creature.

What if the cop

was right?

What if she

was a murderer?

Do any of us know

the person

we fall in love with?

Was this woman

his lover or murderer?

You'll never work

again, Blackwood.

Gary, I want

to explain something.

Not now, Henry.

we had a rough night.

You know how your cat

is always coming over?

Well, Donna found it

in our basement, dead.

It must have been

around the fuse box

and gotten electrocuted.

Donna wanted

to tell you before,

but she didn't want

to walk into your party

carrying a dead cat,

so she put it

inside your back door.

Look, I'm sorry.

We'll get you

another cat.

Nina.

You think

I'm a murderer.

I don't think that.

It's in your book!

I'm willing to see

the other side.

Did you

give me this alibi

to get ideas

for your book?

I did it

because I knew

you were innocent

and I love you.

No. You're

afraid of me.

Well, fear is part

of any healthy

relationship.

I'm going.

Where?

Oh, wait!

Don't say it--

you can't tell me.

I cannot.

Naturally.

You can't go!

I'm not a character

in your book.

You cannot

make me stay.

You didn't invent me.

You don't

write my words.

I do as I choose.

Now I choose to go.

Goodbye.

[Engine starts]

[Car drives away]

Her family

is still here.

In America?

They disappeared

last month.

It's

my friend's guess

that they

want to defect

and the romanians

want to stop them.

Why doesn't our

state department help?

They don't like

to get involved.

It's a touchy area.

What are her parents,

diplomats?

No. Ready for this?

They're circus

performers.

They're acrobats.

Famous.

National treasures

in Romania.

If the government

loses them,

It's bad P.R.

for the comrades.

Why wouldn't Nina

tell me that?

In her country, you grow up

not trusting anyone.

Half the country

informs on the other half.

That phrase

you wrote--

uh...

im--

uh, in--

inmormin--

It means funeral.

That's right.

the funeral of Grimaldi.

But what or who

is Grimaldi?

A famous clown.

Every year

clowns get together

on the day he died.

That's where

she'll meet her parents.

American clowns

have been hiding them

since they

decided to defect.

Let's tell the cops.

They'll nail us

for perjury.

I'm going to prison.

I'll become

a sex slave

to some drug kingpin.

You won't become

anybody's sex slave.

What will we do?

We'll help her

ourselves.

What do you mean,

ourselves?

Phil, this isn't

the Bolshoi ballet,

you know.

These people

are KGB!

Look, I told you,

If I don't go

through with this,

I don't have

an ending for the book.

Well, steal it!

Plagiarize.

Get in.

Phil, stop

and think about this.

Everybody's saying

my work is detached,

that I live

in an ivory tower.

I'm coming down

from that tower

right now.

I'm going,

with or without you.

What do you say?

Frankly, what I like

most about your books

is they're predictable.

That's a very

comforting quality.

readers love it.

Swift, now attired

in his customary tuxedo

and accompanied

by his african bodyguard,

evaded

the cloying paparazzi

and slipped

into the elegant ballroom,

where he rubbed elbows

with the cream

of society.

Philip!

Nina.

I'm with my parents.

We are going

to defect.

Nina, I'm sorry.

[Toot]

Oh.

That man.

What man?

That clown.

Come, quick.

[Speaking romanian]

Comanescu.

KGB.

[Speaking romanian]

Come on.

Mama, stop.

They'll be waiting

at the main gate.

There must be

another way out.

[Speaking romanian]

What are you

all talking about?

Freeze, Bozo!

Amateur.

Look,

he's one of them.

[speaking

romanian]

Go!

Rapide,

rapide!

Rapide!

You, too. Go on.

No, no.

If you stay,

then I stay.

[speaking

romanian]

[speaking

romanian]

What did he say?

I must go

with him.

Sorry, pal.

The lady's with me.

I go with him.

No! What's romanian for

"get lost, dickface"?

What dickface?

Swift knew he had

a formidable opponent,

but the detective's mastery

of karate, judo,

tae kwon do, and macrame,

combined with his gutsy

knack for street fighting,

made him more than a match

for his adversary.

That's

a good one!

Swift played him

like a cat

Toying with

a doomed mouse.

It was only

a matter of time.

[speaking

romanian]

[speaking

romanian]

You guys

need an agent?

[speaking

romanian]

Get your hands up!

Hands up!

His opponent had landed

a few lucky punches.

Swift decided

the time had come

to stop fooling around.

and 1...

2...

3! You're out!

The winner!

I am diplomat,

the romanian

socialist republic.

Yes, sir. Thank you

for the information.

Where are the others?

One over there.

Jesus.

You ok?

I'm fine.

Nina!

Nina!

Pretty

realistic, huh?

That's

more like it.

Where's the third one?

Right here.

Piece of cake.

[Speaking romanian]

Uh, hello.

[Speaking romanian]

How'd you know

where I was?

The feds were working

on this defection deal.

What's happening?

To us.

I heard

it's all approved.

You still have

some formalities

at the state

department.

I'll take you

there.

You're in bad shape.

I never felt better

in my life.

Get in the car.

I'll drive.

Listen, you think

you can manage the rest

without me,

lieutenant?

I'll give it a try.

That night, Swift returned

to his lavishly refurbished

Manhattan penthouse,

where his personal code

of never falling in love

with a client or suspect

finally came

to be broken.

The doubts, the fears

are gone at last,

and yet there

was one thing

the detective

had to know.

Nina.

Hmm?

There's something

I have to know.

The guy

who was murdered...

Oh, yeah.

You know,

the scissors.

Well, you see--

No. They--they

caught my family,

Uh, when we

were about to defect.

And this student,

a romanian,

he came over

to help us,

and, uh, they

started to fight.

And my family, they

managed to escape,

but the...

the man that you

fighted with...

Mmm.

He killed

a student.

Mmm.

I knew you couldn't

have done anything

like that.

I knew it

from the first

moment I saw you.

Aah!

Got it.

You're so nervous.

Why?

Bugs do that to me.

He held her

in his arms

and kissed her

long and hard.

He understood this woman

completely now.

Not a part of her existed

that he didn't know,

except, of course, what she

didn't want him to know.

* your eyelids

are gettin' heavy *

* hard to lift *

* your mind

begins to wander *

* things start to drift *

* your arms

are gettin' heavy *

* hard to lift *

* you sink down

a little deeper *

* you're feeling wonderful *

* feeling wonderful *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* you stare

across the harbor *

* lights along the bay *

* your arms have got

so heavy now *

* they're just gettin'

in your way *

* look *

* now you walkin'

in the holy land *

* yeah, that's you there *

* walkin' with the cane *

* you ask, "what have I done

to deserve this" *

* well, you haven't

done a thing *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin' fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* you stare

across the harbor *

* lights along the bay *

* your arms have got

so heavy now *

* they're just gettin'

in your way *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* baby, you're fallin'

in love *

* baby, you're falling

in love *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin', fallin',

fallin', fallin' *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* baby, you're fallin',

fallin', fallin', fallin' *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin' in love *

* fallin' in love **

captioning made possible by

Warner Bros., Inc.

Captioning performed by

the National Captioning

Institute, Inc.

captions copyright 1989

Warner Bros., Inc.