Helpmates (1932) - full transcript
Oliver's house is in a shambles after a wild party, and his wife is due home at noon. He calls Stanley to help him fix the place up, and the typical catastrophies ensue. Somehow, however, Stanley manages to complete the job by the time Oliver leaves to pick up his wife at the train station. As a finishing touch, Stan decides to start a nice fire in the fireplace, using a can of gasoline to hurry the process along.
Mm-hm-hm.
Now aren't you ashamed of yourself?
A man with your supposed intelligence,
acting like an empty-headed idiot.
What did you do? l'll tell you what you did.
You took advantage of your wife's absence
and pulled a wild party.
And that's not all.
You lost all of your ready money
in a poker game.
Could anything be more crass,
more disgusting?
There were times
when l had high hopes for you.
But that time is passed.
l'll tell you what's wrong with you
in two words.
lm possible.
Mm.
Oh.
- Ah.
- (Bell)
- Mr Hardy?
- Yes.
Here's a telegram for you.
l wonder what this can be.
Oh, it's a telegram from your wife.
She says she'll be home at noon today.
Ooh. The house. Ohh!
Aptos 8-0-8-0, please.
(Ringing)
(Ringing)
(Ringing continues)
(Ringing stops)
(Ringing)
(Clunk, ringing stops)
(Ringing)
- Hello.
- Where have you been?
l was here with me.
Why weren't you at the party last night?
l couldn't make it. l was bitten by a dog.
- You were what?
- A dog bit me.
l can't understand you. Spell it.
A dog bit me.
B-l-it me. Bit me.
Where?
There.
And they took me to the hospital.
Get closer to the phone.
l can't understand you.
l said that...
l said that they...
- They took me to the hospital.
- Was it serious?
Yeah, the doctor said
l might get hydrophosphates.
''Hydrophosphates''!
You mean hydrophobia.
- Say, what are you doing?
- Eh?
What are you doing?
l'm talking to you.
What do you think l'm doing?
l know you're talking to me.
Say, come on over, l wanna see you.
And make it snappy.
QT.
''Hydrophosphates''!
Hm!
(Ringing)
(Bang)
- What do you want?
- Listen, l'm in a slight predicament.
My wife's coming home today at noon,
unexpectedly, and look at this house.
- What's the matter with it?
- What's the matter with it?!
You never met my wife, did you?
Yes, l never did.
What d'you mean, ''Yes, l never did''?
That's my wife.
lsn't she sweet?
Charming.
- Where is your wife?
- ln Chicago with her mother.
- She having a nice time?
- Sure. She's been gone over a week...
l don't care whether
she's having a nice time or not!
lf she comes home
and sees this house like this,
she'll know that l've been having
a wild party.
- l've never known it to fail.
- What?
When the mice are away,
the cats are always...playing around
the thing...and...doing something.
- lf the mice...
- l want you to help me clean this house.
l'd do the same for you.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Yes, l would.
- Oh, no, you wouldn't.
- How do you know l wouldn't?
Cos l'm not going to get married.
Will you help me or will you not?
Sure l'll help you. What shall l do first?
Now, that's the spirit.
You wash the dishes
while l go in and get dressed.
After that, we'll have a nice breakfast,
put everything in order
so the wife will suspect nothing.
- Will we have marmalade for breakfast?
- Yes, we will.
Then we'll put our shoulder to the wheel,
grab the bull by the horns
and out our best foot forward.
Oh!
(Humming)
Oh!
(Crash)
Clean that mess up
while l get something to put it in.
- (Stan) Look out!
- Oh!
- Get me a towel.
- Where do you keep them?
l don't know. Look in the cupboard.
(Ollie) Wait. l'll get it.
Ah!
Uh!
Oh! Oh.
Oh!
(Stud rolls along floor)
- Ollie?
- What?
- Where do you keep your handkerchiefs?
- ln the top drawer.
(Blows nose loudly)
(Honk)
Ow! Oh-ho-hoo!
Oh.
- What are you trying to do?
- l'm trying to get rid of this water.
- What'll l do with it?
- Oh.
Use your own judgment. Oh.
Are you trying to ruin the only suit
l've got left?
- l couldn't help it...
- Oh, shut up.
That's the way to do it.
Oh!
How about some breakfast?
Breakfast? Why...
See what you did?
Can't blame me for that.
Do you realise that this is the only suit
that l've got left?
lt's enough to make a man burst out crying.
Well, l couldn't help it... (Whimpers)
Shut up and get this mess cleaned up!
Do you know that my wife
will be home at noon?
Say, what d'you think l am? Cinderella?
lf l had any sense, l'd walk out on you.
Well, it's a good thing
you haven't any sense.
lt certainly is.
(Muttering) ''lf l had any sense,
l'd walk out on you...''
''Good thing you haven't...'' ''lf l...''
''Certainly...''
''lf l had any sense, l...''
Take these pants and wring 'em out
while l dry the coat.
Ohh... Oh!
(Hissing)
l'll dry them myself.
(Crashing)
(Hissing)
Mm-mm-mm!
(Bang)
(Bell)
- Hello!
- Don't you yell at me. l'm not deaf!
Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
Where am l? l'm at the railroad station.
And if l stay here much longer,
they'll put me in the roundhouse.
- Ooh.
- What's the matter?
Get my suit, quick. lt's the wife.
She's waiting at the depot. Oh.
Oh! That's all l've got, the only suit l've got.
- What'll you do now?
- l have it.
Get this place cleaned up and don't ask
questions. Hurry. As quick as you can.
What's the matter?
- You're not going like that, are you?
- Certainly. Why?
- Well, you haven't got a horse.
- l don't need a horse. l've been out there...
- (Bell)
- Don't answer it. lt's the wife.
Get cleaned up and get out of here quick.
See you tonight.
What happened?
Well, l was all ready to leave and...
l thought l'd build a fire
to make it comfortable for you.
(High-pitched) The house burnt down.
l couldn't help it. l did all l could...
l burnt my fingers... l burnt my fingers.
Well, l guess there's nothing else l can do.
- No, l guess not.
- Well, l'll be seeing you.
Goodbye.
Hey.
Would you mind closing the door?
l'd like to be alone.
(Thunder crashes)
Now aren't you ashamed of yourself?
A man with your supposed intelligence,
acting like an empty-headed idiot.
What did you do? l'll tell you what you did.
You took advantage of your wife's absence
and pulled a wild party.
And that's not all.
You lost all of your ready money
in a poker game.
Could anything be more crass,
more disgusting?
There were times
when l had high hopes for you.
But that time is passed.
l'll tell you what's wrong with you
in two words.
lm possible.
Mm.
Oh.
- Ah.
- (Bell)
- Mr Hardy?
- Yes.
Here's a telegram for you.
l wonder what this can be.
Oh, it's a telegram from your wife.
She says she'll be home at noon today.
Ooh. The house. Ohh!
Aptos 8-0-8-0, please.
(Ringing)
(Ringing)
(Ringing continues)
(Ringing stops)
(Ringing)
(Clunk, ringing stops)
(Ringing)
- Hello.
- Where have you been?
l was here with me.
Why weren't you at the party last night?
l couldn't make it. l was bitten by a dog.
- You were what?
- A dog bit me.
l can't understand you. Spell it.
A dog bit me.
B-l-it me. Bit me.
Where?
There.
And they took me to the hospital.
Get closer to the phone.
l can't understand you.
l said that...
l said that they...
- They took me to the hospital.
- Was it serious?
Yeah, the doctor said
l might get hydrophosphates.
''Hydrophosphates''!
You mean hydrophobia.
- Say, what are you doing?
- Eh?
What are you doing?
l'm talking to you.
What do you think l'm doing?
l know you're talking to me.
Say, come on over, l wanna see you.
And make it snappy.
QT.
''Hydrophosphates''!
Hm!
(Ringing)
(Bang)
- What do you want?
- Listen, l'm in a slight predicament.
My wife's coming home today at noon,
unexpectedly, and look at this house.
- What's the matter with it?
- What's the matter with it?!
You never met my wife, did you?
Yes, l never did.
What d'you mean, ''Yes, l never did''?
That's my wife.
lsn't she sweet?
Charming.
- Where is your wife?
- ln Chicago with her mother.
- She having a nice time?
- Sure. She's been gone over a week...
l don't care whether
she's having a nice time or not!
lf she comes home
and sees this house like this,
she'll know that l've been having
a wild party.
- l've never known it to fail.
- What?
When the mice are away,
the cats are always...playing around
the thing...and...doing something.
- lf the mice...
- l want you to help me clean this house.
l'd do the same for you.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Yes, l would.
- Oh, no, you wouldn't.
- How do you know l wouldn't?
Cos l'm not going to get married.
Will you help me or will you not?
Sure l'll help you. What shall l do first?
Now, that's the spirit.
You wash the dishes
while l go in and get dressed.
After that, we'll have a nice breakfast,
put everything in order
so the wife will suspect nothing.
- Will we have marmalade for breakfast?
- Yes, we will.
Then we'll put our shoulder to the wheel,
grab the bull by the horns
and out our best foot forward.
Oh!
(Humming)
Oh!
(Crash)
Clean that mess up
while l get something to put it in.
- (Stan) Look out!
- Oh!
- Get me a towel.
- Where do you keep them?
l don't know. Look in the cupboard.
(Ollie) Wait. l'll get it.
Ah!
Uh!
Oh! Oh.
Oh!
(Stud rolls along floor)
- Ollie?
- What?
- Where do you keep your handkerchiefs?
- ln the top drawer.
(Blows nose loudly)
(Honk)
Ow! Oh-ho-hoo!
Oh.
- What are you trying to do?
- l'm trying to get rid of this water.
- What'll l do with it?
- Oh.
Use your own judgment. Oh.
Are you trying to ruin the only suit
l've got left?
- l couldn't help it...
- Oh, shut up.
That's the way to do it.
Oh!
How about some breakfast?
Breakfast? Why...
See what you did?
Can't blame me for that.
Do you realise that this is the only suit
that l've got left?
lt's enough to make a man burst out crying.
Well, l couldn't help it... (Whimpers)
Shut up and get this mess cleaned up!
Do you know that my wife
will be home at noon?
Say, what d'you think l am? Cinderella?
lf l had any sense, l'd walk out on you.
Well, it's a good thing
you haven't any sense.
lt certainly is.
(Muttering) ''lf l had any sense,
l'd walk out on you...''
''Good thing you haven't...'' ''lf l...''
''Certainly...''
''lf l had any sense, l...''
Take these pants and wring 'em out
while l dry the coat.
Ohh... Oh!
(Hissing)
l'll dry them myself.
(Crashing)
(Hissing)
Mm-mm-mm!
(Bang)
(Bell)
- Hello!
- Don't you yell at me. l'm not deaf!
Oh, hello, honey baby. Where are you?
Where am l? l'm at the railroad station.
And if l stay here much longer,
they'll put me in the roundhouse.
- Ooh.
- What's the matter?
Get my suit, quick. lt's the wife.
She's waiting at the depot. Oh.
Oh! That's all l've got, the only suit l've got.
- What'll you do now?
- l have it.
Get this place cleaned up and don't ask
questions. Hurry. As quick as you can.
What's the matter?
- You're not going like that, are you?
- Certainly. Why?
- Well, you haven't got a horse.
- l don't need a horse. l've been out there...
- (Bell)
- Don't answer it. lt's the wife.
Get cleaned up and get out of here quick.
See you tonight.
What happened?
Well, l was all ready to leave and...
l thought l'd build a fire
to make it comfortable for you.
(High-pitched) The house burnt down.
l couldn't help it. l did all l could...
l burnt my fingers... l burnt my fingers.
Well, l guess there's nothing else l can do.
- No, l guess not.
- Well, l'll be seeing you.
Goodbye.
Hey.
Would you mind closing the door?
l'd like to be alone.
(Thunder crashes)