Hellzapoppin' (1941) - full transcript
Ole and Chick are making a movie, but the director is not satisfied. So he brings them to a young writer, who outlines them an absurd story. They have to support Jeff and Kitty in setting up a musical revue in their garden and want to bring it up on Broadway. If Jeff is successful he can marry Kitty. But there is his rich friend Woody, who also loves Kitty, Chick's sister Betty, who's in love with a false Russian count, and detective Quimby. They all make the thing very complicated for Ole and Chick. After some mistakes they think that Kitty isn't the right girl for Jeff and they start sabotaging the show, but the Broadway producer is impressed and signs the contract. That's the story the writer tells them. For this he's sued by the director.
This is a fine pickle-dilly.
Fifteen years I been
running these pictures,
and now, all of a sudden,
I got to be an actor.
* I once had a vision
of heaven *
* And you were there...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Old Satan's on a tear
Hellzapoppin'! *
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* And there's a rumor now
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da ya, da ya, da ya
* Hellzapoppin'!
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
Ooh! Ooh!
- Calling all devils.
- Calling all devils.
Stop being so wasteful.
We have lost our priorities
on fire and brimstone.
That is all.
Okay, boys!
Can him up!
Send up
to the warehouse
for more blondes!
We're running low!
Bring up some more heat.
- Stand back, everybody.
- Stand back.
Here come our prize guests.
That's the first taxi driver
that ever went straight
where I told him to.
- Next time
you say that, smile.
- Yeah.
What are you afraid of?
Remember, you're
head man here.
Say, that's right.
I am.
Here, Jeeves.
Who are you?
U.S. Secret Service,
2-5-2-6-6.
- What number?
- 2-5-2-6-6.
Holy smoke, I've been drafted.
Let me go!
Let me go!
Please! Please!
Let me go back
to my little baby.
- What are you talking about?
- My little Junior.
Mommy!
Oh, Mama!
Oh, Mommy!
They struck oil.
Hey! What about that fare?
- Who was that?
- "What about that fare"
is what I said!
What?
You heard me!
- Wait a minute!
- What are you gonna do,
give us a bill...
Hey, now, wait a minute!
You can't give us a bill
for riding around
just a block like that.
We've ridden
in yellow taxicabs
all over the country.
Do you think
we're gonna pay that?
Give him the works.
What's this?
Whoa!
What happened?
Pardon me just a moment, folks.
Hey, operator!
Hey, you up there
running this film.
I'd like to see
that last part
over again.
Oh, he can't do that,
he's working for
the theater.
The management won't let
him do it. What's the matter...
Are you crazy or something?
He'll do it for us.
I got him the job!
That's Cousin Louis.
Toots, every time
I see you, I get hot
and cold at the same time.
Give me your lips,
will you, Toots?
I will not.
Louis. Louis!
Rewind the film!
- Aw, come on.
- Louis!
We've been keeping steady
company now for two days,
haven't we?
Hey, Louis!
Don't go away.
Rewind this film, will you?
What's the matter
with you guys?
Don't you know
you can't talk to me
and the audience?
Well, we're doing it, aren't we?
Yes, folks.
This is Hellzapoppin'!
Come on, Louis, make it snappy.
This is screwy.
The actors out there
talking to me up here.
Okay, Louis!
Who was that?
Give him the works.
Get away!
- They're off!
- Last Chance, first.
Second Honeymoon, third.
Henry the Eighth, fourth.
Anaconda Copper...
87 and 3/4, down a point.
Let me go! I can't stand it!
I can't stand it!
I can't stand it any longer!
- You can't stand what?
- This!
And cut!
Hold the cameras.
Save the steam, save the flame.
- This is impossible.
- What's the matter?
- We can't shoot
this kind of stuff.
- Why not?
This is Hellzapoppin'!
Chickens, horses, Tic-Tac-Toe.
Pictures are different.
You got to have a story!
Story!
Crazy. Come on.
Just a minute, please,
just a minute.
Pardon me.
May I please have
your autograph? You know,
you're my favorite actors.
Oscar always takes me
to see your pictures.
We just adore them.
- Well, thank you.
- Who are they?
Why, Olsen and Johnson.
Olsen... Olsen and Johnson!
Oscar!
Now, listen, fellas.
We got to have a story.
A love story.
- Why?
- Why? I'll tell you why.
Because we got to have one!
Because every picture
has one!
Hey! Just a minute.
Take it easy, bud!
- Who is he?
- My bodyguard.
- Take it easy!
- Oh!
Telephone
for Mr. Olsen.
Hello?
Who?
The chambermaid?
It's for you.
Hello?
Yeah.
That's bad.
That's good.
That's good.
- That's bad.
- Hey.
- That's good.
- Hey.
- That's good.
- Hey!
- That's bad!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- That... What?
- What are you doing?
I'm helping her sort
a box of strawberries.
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
Now, what do you want?
I've got to deliver
this plant to Mrs. Jones.
- Mrs. Jones!
- Look here, my friend,
we're making
a motion picture here.
That's a matter
of opinion.
Mrs. Jones!
Ole, Chic, listen.
We've had a writer
working on a love story.
Won't you at least talk to him?
Come on.
You can't tell me
you have to have
a love story.
Would I give you a bum steer?
Oscar!
Hey, I've been a director
for 15 years and I never did
a picture without a story.
There never
has been a picture
without a story.
There never
will be a picture
without a story!
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
May I take your picture?
- What?
- May I take your picture?
- Sure!
- Go ahead.
Oh, thanks!
Boys, put your careers
in the palm of my hand.
Oscar! Oscar!
Will someone
stop that woman
from yelling "Oscar"?
Oscar!
Will someone please
stop that woman from
yelling "Oscar"?
Oscar.
Thank you.
Thank you, very much.
Boys, I'll mold you
into great artists.
You don't have to mold us.
We're very happy
the way we are.
Yeah, we think we look fine.
Give us a chance and we'll make
you the best director...
- I am the best director!
- Now, wait a minute.
I thought they burnt that.
All right, Selby.
Up on your feet.
This is Mr. Olsen
and Mr. Johnson.
- How are you, Selby?
- I didn't hear your
first name.
- Harry.
- What?
Harry.
Well, you've got
to speak louder.
I can't hear you.
Harry!
Yes, he's a little weak.
The doctor's got him
on a soup diet.
- Soup diet?
- Yes, he told me to eat
three plates a day.
Three plates a day?
Ha! You ought to be
feeling swell.
Oscar!
- Oscar!
- Be right back.
Joe, Harry, Willy!
Where are all my assistants
around here?
Now, look, Selby.
You seem like
a bright young man.
- How old are you?
- Twenty-three.
Twenty-three.
Well, that's
a patriotic age.
Uncle Sam needs
young men like you.
- I presume
you're ambitious.
- Oh, yes.
That's fine.
What would you
like to be?
Twenty-nine.
Say, fella.
How much would you charge
to haunt a house?
How many rooms?
Okay, boys.
Okay, no more
interruptions.
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
- Mrs. Jones!
- Oscar!
Oscar!
How much longer
do I have to put up
with this?
Until we finish this picture!
How long?
Until we finish this picture!
Oh, no!
Okay, send for
another cameraman.
All right, boys.
Grab a couple chairs
and sit down.
I'm gonna tell you
this story if I have
to hire people to listen.
It's a picture
about a picture
about Hellzapoppin'.
It's a great script.
Feel how much it weighs.
Listen, buddy.
For three years
we did Hellzapoppin'
on Broadway.
And that's the way
we want it on the screen.
This is Hollywood.
We change everything here.
We got to.
Why?
Listen to the story!
It's all about
a young fella
named Woody Tyler.
That's Woody Tyler.
He's very rich.
Wait till he pays
his income tax.
Now, Woody's in love
with Kitty Rand.
That's Kitty Rand,
also very rich.
Well, that solves everything.
Ah, that's what everyone thinks.
But does she love Woody?
No.
Right!
Great story mind.
Whom does she love?
- Oscar!
- Oscar, yes... No!
She's in love with your
playwright friend, Jeff.
- That's Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.
Hi, Ole.
Does Jeff love Kitty?
Now, our story starts
at Kitty Rand's home
on Long Island.
Come over here
and I'll show you
a picture of it.
Here's a picture
of the Rand estate, where
our story takes place.
Snazzy-looking joint, isn't it?
- There's a long line
of limousines.
Oh, a funeral, huh?
No, no. It's the guests
arriving for the weekend
party.
Kitty's arranged
a Red Cross benefit.
- That's a nice idea.
- No, it's a plot to keep
Jeff near her.
That's why they're
putting on a show.
Not another picture
with a show in it.
Puh-lease!
This one's important.
Jeff's been trying
to sell it
to a Broadway producer
for months.
How could you stage a show
right here on the grass?
Oh, no.
Not on the grass.
In our big outdoor theater
back of the greenhouse.
We Rands are disgustingly rich.
But why a theater?
Oh, I've wanted to be an actress
ever since I was knee-high
to a footlight.
Yes, and she's got
a beautiful voice, too.
Thanks!
You're welcome.
Nice-looking couple.
Why doesn't Jeff
marry her?
- He doesn't want
to marry for money.
Huh?
He isn't giving in to love
until he makes good on his own.
- That's movies!
- That's crazy.
That's movies!
- Who are they?
- Fibber McGee and Molly.
No, they're Kitty's parents.
They know Kitty's
kind of stuck on Jeff
and they don't like it.
They want her to marry Woody.
Where is this mug Woody?
Let's follow
Kitty's parents
and find out.
- No, he's not here.
- Let's look on the terrace.
You look on the terrace.
We'll stay right here.
Ah, there's our man.
So, you took us away
from her to meet him?
Hey, Woody, get up.
Get up, Woody.
Come on, Woody,
get up there. Come on,
Woody, Get up.
Kitty's looking for you.
She's on the terrace.
Better get over there before
your pal, Jeff, steals her away.
There he goes. Now, see,
Kitty wants to get rid of him.
She's asking him
to take up that suitcase.
That's just a stall.
Jeff's offering
to take it up, huh?
Yeah. Determined
to leave the road clear
for his friend, Woody.
Oh, Jeff. Hey, Jeff.
Can't you hear us, Jeff?
Let the big dope
take the suitcase.
- You're not the butler.
- You know the girl loves you.
Don't do it.
Jeff, don't do it...
Aww!
- Glad to see me, Kitty?
- What do you think?
Now here comes
a guest you may recognize.
Prince Pepi.
Prince Pepi!
That's Mischa Auer.
- He looks like a phony.
- Right? He is a phony,
a chiseler.
He hasn't a penny in his pocket.
Try the inside pocket.
They know he's a phony,
but they don't mind.
They think he's cute.
Now watch this.
See, he's gonna
flip the driver for it.
You know who's gonna win.
See, what did I tell ya?
Why, the cheap four flusher.
What's that load of junk?
Those are the properties
for Jeff's show.
Who are those two
silly-looking...
Hey, wait a minute.
How did we get
to Long Island?
You're two prop men
who live in the same
boardinghouse as Jeff.
You're helping him
put on the show.
- Who's driving?
- You'll find out in a minute,
and will you be sorry you asked.
- Say, isn't there any
sound in this picture?
- Sure. Listen.
It's Chic and Ole.
I knew I could count on them.
Say, they're really
your pals, aren't they?
They sure are.
- Hiya, boys.
- Hiya, Jeff.
Hi, Kitty. Look at
all this stuff we got.
With the few bucks I gave you?
Certainly.
Here's your money back.
We kinda borrowed the stuff.
- Temporarily-like.
- I get it.
Yoo-hoo!
Don't tell me you brought her.
Aw, the kid sister's all right.
- She won't make
any trouble this time.
- I'll make sure.
Whoo-hoo!
- Hello, Betty.
- Hi, Jeff.
Hey, did you get a gander
at those good-looking
he-men around here?
I don't need to look
any further.
Are you kiddin'?
That's not for me.
I go in for mass production.
Now wait a minute.
Do you remember
what happened at the last party?
Can I help the animal in me?
Come on, Betty, I'll
show you the theater
and the swimming pool...
Just show me the men.
I'll ad-lib from there on.
Uh-oh.
It really isn't stealing, Ole,
if we take it back.
Say, look here, you.
If it's not asking too much,
would you mind getting
this truck off my lawn?
Truck off the lawn?
Sure. Hold this.
What do you wanna do, melt that?
Put it in the shade.
Right over there to one side.
Pardon me, ma'am.
Scene ten, sculptor's studio.
Right there.
Hey, Shorty, hold these.
Hey, Shorty, take this.
Okay, Shorty.
- Ole.
- Yeah.
Scene 15, balloon number.
There.
Oh, pardon me, ma'am.
Police, that's what I need.
Here. You don't want
the police.
You want me...
Why do I want you?
Master of disguises.
Mysterious. Watch.
I've seen enough.
Psst.
Marvelous.
How do you like it?
Stupendous.
Say, who are you anyway?
Private detective.
My card here.
My card here.
Crimes committed...
I mean solved, while you wait.
Are you sure you can
cope with the situation?
Oh, yeah,
just as smooth as ice.
Everything will be grand.
All right, see that nothing
happens to spoil the pleasure
of our guests, and above all,
see that nothing happens
to the show tomorrow night.
Kitty's got her heart set
on making a huge success of it.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Forgot your ice cube.
- Oh, thank you.
That's a funny habit,
carrying ice cubes around
in your pocket.
Oh, hello. Have we met
before some place?
Face looks kind of familiar.
More coffee?
Your Highness!
Get up, you fool.
Hurry up, get up!
You want they should
find out I'm not a phony?
But, Your Highness...
If they find out
I'm not a phony,
they are no longer amused.
No longer amused,
they are no longer interested.
No longer interested,
no longer money.
No longer money,
I'm just like you,
Count Alexander Alexandrovich
Alexandrovsky...
A poor slob.
Look, Betty,
how would you like to meet
a real, honest-to-goodness
nobleman?
You mean one of
those hand-kissers?
Oh, no, that's not for me.
But that's just a preliminary.
He's got titles up to here.
Well, just so they reach
around me, that's all
I care about.
There he is now.
- Oh, Jeff.
- Yeah.
Not that I'm
a fortune hunter
or anything,
but I understand there's
a lot of wealthy heiresses
on the loose here today.
You know, girls
with beautiful figures
in the bank.
They tell me
Gloria Van Dearborn's
looking for a new title.
Would you be kind enough
to locate her and introduce me?
See, I'm in the mood
to make rich girls happy.
Sure.
Here. You came
with those people
that gave me that ice;
now give it back to 'em.
Kitty, I want
to speak to you, alone.
There's Gloria now.
Point her out to me.
It's not proper to point, Pepi.
She's the girl
loaded down with the ice.
The girl with all the ice, huh?
That's right.
Oh, well. What I have
to do for money.
You look lovely today
with your ice.
You know me?
Everyone knows you but me.
Oh.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
Gee whiz.
At last.
Someone who wants to talk first.
Shall we step in there?
Shall we? Oh, boy!
Cozy, isn't it?
I kiss your hand, madam.
We just did that.
Remember, I have a face, too.
Oh, even to
a Van Dearborn,
I'm fascinating.
Say, what is this
Van Dearborn business?
You are not Gloria Van Dearborn?
Are you kiddin'?
198th Street, the Bronx,
that's me.
No, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no, no!
Say, did you see
a Volga boatman go by here.
Did he have
an outboard motor on him?
That's right...
What outboard motor?
No, he's tall, dark,
and handsome.
I think he's gonna
be in love with me.
Says so on my palm.
Oh, that's an ant.
* All my life,
I've been waiting *
* For the right one to appear *
* Someone to sweep me
right off my feet *
* And whisper sweet nothings
in my ear *
* Then you came along
* And I was glad
* But now I'm getting mad *
* Love's supposed to thrill
not bore us *
* But you're as dead
as a dinosaurus *
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I don't get it
* If this is all romance is *
* We might as well forget it *
* The hints that
I throw at you *
* Would explode wet dynamite *
* But you're as cold
as a bronze statue *
* Oh, you don't love right
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I'm disgusted
* For all the good my heart is *
* It might as well be busted *
* I don't know what
our romance seems to lack *
* But when I love you,
you don't love back *
* I can't even get
one little kiss *
* What kind of love is this?
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I'm disgusted
* For all the good my heart is *
* It might as well be busted *
* I don't know what
our romance seems to lack *
* But when I love,
you don't love back *
* I can't even get
one little kiss *
* What kind of love is this?
One trunk, one dress form,
one tuba.
Hey, buddy, bring me
a pitcher of ice water
and a menu.
Oh, boy, we've got
everything but
the kitchen sink.
One sink.
Did you bring the moon?
Moon.
- Snow.
- Snow.
One canary.
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, where's the canary?
In the cat.
Let's see, act one, scene two.
On the table is
King Tut's skull.
Did you get King Tut's skull?
- There.
- Check.
What's that?
That's King Tut
when he was a little boy.
Check.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen
of the radio audience.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Are you bothered
with corns and bunions?
Oh, yes, a lot.
Very, very badly.
Thanks for asking me anyhow.
I'll call the police
if you don't stop following me.
Who me?
Oh, brother, you'd better
see your dentist at least
twice a year.
My nobleman!
Whoa!
Say, you.
Say, what's going on here?
I thought you were gonna
put a stop to all this madness.
A Fingle never fails.
I'll be seeing you.
Hey, what's this?
I made it for Woody,
act three, when they
make him a knight.
I know, but what are these for?
Coat of arms.
Come on, let's check
the wardrobe for
the garden party number.
Okay.
- Lady de Troop.
- Check.
- Lady Vandermeer.
- Check.
Lady Wintergarden.
No, you gotta get
a white dress for
Lady Wintergarden.
Check.
Put it in the closet.
Hey, Ole, is that Kitty a pal.
Hey, fella!
Why don't you put your hand out
when you make a left turn?
- This is our room.
- Sabotage.
Look! He's dressed
just like us.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing
in my closet?
Your closet?
Our closet.
This is my room,
and those are my clothes.
This is our room,
and those are our props.
Get out of those smocks.
Take them off, you imbeciles.
Look, Rasputin,
Shorty the butler
gave us this room.
So don't you think
you're making a mistake?
Bah!!
Hereafter, I'll
answer my own questions.
Let's talk this thing
over quietly.
Hey!
Light?
If you please.
Take it away.
Drafty, isn't it?
On your mark...
get set...
Wow! You're gonna play
hard to get, huh?
Oh, it's you.
- Your Highness.
- Stop that Highness!
- Yes, Your...
- Your pants.
Mujik?
Down. From now on,
Count Alexander
Alexandrovich
Alexandrovsky,
you may consider
yourself a Grand Duke.
Did you see a tall man
without any...
What a place.
Hey!
Oh, hey, hey.
You know what you're doing,
you know what you're doing?
Of course I know
what I'm doing.
I'm just...
Not me. It's hard luck
to walk under a ladder.
Oh, my error.
* There's a cottage
hidden in the hills *
* By a waterfall
where stardust spills *
* And songs bloom
on the windowsills *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a picket fence
of moonlight bars *
* And a shingle roof
of April stars *
* And shells of spring
in crystal jars *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a first
and second mortgage *
* Of a million moonbeams *
* But we could pay it off
in no time *
* With our very best dreams
* There's a rainbow rug
upon the floor *
* And a horseshoe moon
above the door *
* The only thing
it needs is you *
* My heaven for two
* There's a cottage
hidden in the hills *
* By a waterfall
where stardust spills *
* And songs bloom
on the windowsills *
* It's heaven for two
Hey, Stinky, will you
go on home?
Stinky, will you go home?
That's a good boy.
Go home and get yourself
sick on spinach.
All right, go ahead
with the song.
* There's a picket fence
of moonlight bars *
* And a shingle roof
of April stars *
* And shells of spring
in crystal jars *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a first
and second mortgage *
* Of a million moonbeams
* But we could pay it off
in no time *
* With our very best dreams
* There's a rainbow rug
upon the floor *
* And a horseshoe moon
above the door *
* The only thing
it needs is you *
Holy smoke, I didn't mean
for this to happen. Come on.
Look here, what did Jeff
tell us to get for scene four?
Arrows or sparrows?
I don't know.
We can get both.
Louis.
Operator.
Louis!
That's what happens
when you hire relatives.
Louis!
Oh, yeah? You can't talk
that way to me
and get away with it.
Actors, huh?
I'll get even with you guys.
I'll think of something.
If I could only
give him a Mickey.
- Louis.
- Let me alone.
I'm thinkin'.
Well, I'll leave you two here.
Aren't you coming with us?
No, thanks. I've gotta do
some work on the first act.
See ya later.
Hi, Jeff.
What's the matter, kid?
You love the girl
and the girl loves you.
She's got all the money
in the world,
and you want to brush her off.
I know what it is.
You don't wanna cut
in on your pal,
- isn't that it?
- Woody's been
too swell a friend.
I wouldn't hurt him
for anything in the world.
Well, let's get after
those arrows.
Everybody watch me.
I was the William Tell
of Brazgovnia.
Come, let us go to the pool.
Mrs. Jones.
"I shot an arrow in the air,
it fell to Earth,
I know not where."
Oh, now I know.
There oughta be something
we can do for Jeff.
Maybe we can put Woody
in the nut house.
Ah, opportunity knocks.
More over here, Ole.
Need any help?
- We've got a big problem.
- We're thinking.
That won't help.
You see, we're trying
to fix up things for
Jeff and Kitty.
Oh, trying to get rid
of Woody, huh?
That's right.
Well, deal me in.
Have you got any ideas?
Let me think.
Maybe we can talk Woody
into giving Kitty the brush-off.
I know, but how?
I remember when
my boyfriend gave me
the brush-off.
Kitty's not that kind of a girl.
If we could make Woody believe
that Kitty ain't
the kind of girl
he thinks she is,
he might take a powder.
Uh-huh. I...
I think you got something there.
Yeah, but how do we do it?
Well, we'll collar Woody
at the dance tonight.
When we get through
with him, he'll think
Kitty's a female Bluebeard.
- Okay.
- It's a mean trick.
We're doing it for our pal Jeff.
Are you with us, kid?
To the death.
Help!
All right, girls, now smile.
Remember, you're having
a good time.
All right, watch the birdy.
Young lady, would you mind
sitting over in that chair?
Right there.
Oh, that's fine.
Now hold it.
Still.
And what I mean is, don't move.
All right, watch the birdy.
Thank you.
Bread, please.
Two slices?
I said bread.
Bread.
That's enough?
What do you mean, that's enough?
You're back to two slices.
It's been a great opportunity
for me to come up here
and take your pictures,
and I hope your show
is a success.
I really do.
Well, good-bye, girls.
* Well, hello, big boy,
what's cookin'? *
* Would you like to get
your picture tooken? *
* There may be a movie,
a contract in it *
* Well, come on, Jack,
it'll only take a minute *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you've got *
* Watch the birdy, look around
and pick a spot *
* And hold it
* Watch the birdy
* Just strike
a funny pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, or you can
beat that pose a mile *
* Watch the birdy, and let me
see your pretty smile *
* And hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue,
a golden tan *
* And strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you,
will you get out of the way? *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
* Zoot-ay
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just
look around and pick a spot *
* Hold it, zoot it,
and hold it *
* Watch the birdy, just strike
a funny pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, you can
beat that pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, now let
me see your pretty smile *
* Hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue,
a golden tan *
* Strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you, will you
get out of the way *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
* Zooty, now hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue
and a golden tan *
* Strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you, will you
get out of the way *
* Watch the birdy, we'll get
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
Oh, somebody's been
fooling around with my battery.
Hoo hoo!
Hey.
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at
a sky full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day,
I spoke to a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard music
by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I stood in the spray
of a fountain *
* And you were there
* I climbed to the top
of a mountain *
* And you were there
* Whenever we two are apart *
* I look down deep in my heart *
* For, darling, I know
that I'll find you there *
Oh, Jeff.
Darling.
What did you say?
I said, "Yes, Kitty?"
Oh. That's not what
it sounded like.
That's what it should've
sounded like.
Woody wants Mother and Dad
to announce our engagement
tonight.
Well, that's swell.
Woody's a great guy.
I give up.
We gotta go to work
on Woody right away.
You tell her.
- All right,
dance me over.
- Okay.
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance like Ginger Rogers?
- No.
- No wonder.
I suppose your dad
told you my plan.
It's a perfect night
for it; what do you say?
Oh, well, Woody, I...
Look, I wanna tell you
something for your own good.
Mujik.
Why, you Czatsky-dancing
tea guzzler, I oughta...
I...
Oh, hello.
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance just like...
What happened?
Well, did you tell Woody?
Are you kiddin'?
I didn't have a chance.
- Did you tell him?
- She messed it up.
We'll have to
tell him ourselves.
Come on, let's go.
I have asked her, but she
wouldn't give me an answer.
Well, take her out
to some quiet corner
and make her give you an answer.
And do it now.
But, Mr. Rand, I...
Just the fella
we've been looking for.
Come with us.
What's this all about?
Just a minute.
You'll find out.
- I'll tell you...
- Let me tell him.
- No, I'll tell him.
- Will you let me handle it?
- Look, boys, I'm busy.
Are you more interested
in that picture or me?
I wasted all day
up here with you.
Them mugs annoy me.
They're stickin'
their noses into somebody
else's business again.
And so am I.
I could've had a good
date this afternoon.
You want to mix
it all up?
Leave it alone.
What are you doing,
are you wacky?
Oh, if you weren't
wearing glasses,
would I fix you up.
- Glasses? Glasses?!
- Cut it out.
Pal...
Just a moment, Woody.
We're having a little
trouble with this film.
That Louis again.
Hey, Louis, will you keep
your mind on your work?
Will you get away from...
Don't tell me what to do!
Boy, I'm getting
a little seasick.
So am I.
Hey, maybe we can
handle this ourselves.
Give me a hand here.
- That's good.
- That's it.
Oh!
Where's Chic?
Hey, how did you get up there?
How did you get down there?
Come on, Woody.
Here we go again.
Be careful, will ya?
Look out for my head.
Be careful.
Cut it out, will ya?
Hey, Louis, get that blonde
outta there,
concentrate on your business.
Terrible way to make a living.
Louis, you dope!
Hey, Woody, how do
we get outta this?
I don't know.
It never happened
to me before.
Louis, you crazy...
Louis, be careful.
Shut up!
Number one machine...
Number two machine here.
What do you got going on?
Louis, look.
You put on
the wrong picture.
Take it off.
You crazy or something?!
Hey, Louis!
Hey, wait a minute, Louis.
This is no longer a mistake.
This is not Hellzapoppin'.
Ole, those horses
don't know what they're doin'.
Look at that big dope.
Louis, will you take
those phony Hollywood Indians
- off the screen?
- Get 'em off there.
Ow! We've had
enough of this!
Get off.
That's better.
Now put on our picture.
Come on, come on.
That's it.
Where are we?
Over further.
There we are.
- Hold it.
- Relatives!
I'd have that half-wit
fired if he wasn't
your cousin.
My cousin? I thought
he was your cousin.
- He said...
- That's what he told me.
Oh, he did, did he?
Hey, you guys gonna
stand there all day?
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
Listen, you big chump,
lay off of this little chump.
Who's a little chump?
You're a barrel-waisted weasel.
That's different.
Let's go.
Just wait till
this picture's over.
Look, I've wasted enough time.
Oh, wait.
I thought I was gonna tell him.
All right, you tell him.
Pal, you've been
mighty swell to us.
To show you we appreciate it,
we're gonna give you a tip.
You're much too nice a guy
to be mixed up with Kitty Rand.
What do you mean?!
- Maybe you better
tell him after all.
- Oh, no, go right ahead.
Come on, out with it!
Oh, it's nothing.
Maybe she don't know it's wrong.
So that's it.
Well, who's the guy?
Will you tell him?
Keep going.
You're doing fine.
Wait a minute.
It's...
It's the prince, the phony.
- Pepi?
- Pepi.
That's tellin' him.
- Which way did they go?
- That way.
Maybe you don't realize
it, Pepi, but it's true.
That's why I want you
to stay away from Kitty.
And stop eating
those sandwiches.
Maybe you do hold
some attraction for her,
but if you do, I'm sure
it's not the real thing.
You mean to say I hold
some attraction for her?
What else can it be?
And you say
it's not the real thing?
Of course not.
Remember now,
stay away from her.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Sure.
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at a sky
full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day, I spoke to
a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard
music by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at
a sky full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day I spoke to
a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard
music by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I stood in
the spray of a fountain *
* And you were there
* I climbed to the top
of a mountain *
* And you were there
* Whenever we two are apart *
* I look down deep in my heart *
* For, darling, I know that *
* I'll find you
* There
* For naturally, obviously
* You were there
Where you going,
as if I didn't know.
- Let me go.
- What for, what for?
That phony Russian's up there
trying to make love to my girl.
Who is it?
It is I. Me.
Pepi!
Katusha, why have you
waited so long?
Waited? What...
You should have known
it was futile to
struggle against fate.
Struggle against what?
Ah, my little dove,
let me embrace you.
Oh, now look, Pepi...
Do not pretend, Katusha.
Now, Pepi, stop.
Tonight is ours,
and it shall live forever,
because you're a woman
and I'm a man.
Ah, man and a woman.
Pepi, I'm warning you.
Get out of here.
Ah, my little...
Oh, thank you very much.
Kind of dark in here.
Oh, my little turnip.
My two little guitars.
I love...
Such passion!
Together we'll make
beautiful music.
- What's the matter?
- Pepi's in my room.
I think he's gone
love crazy or something.
Oh, let me at him.
You stay here
where you'll be safe.
Katusha.
Mujik!
Oh!
Yahoo!
Mujik!
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, no, no, no!
What a woman.
Don't ask me how I do it, folks.
- Oh, hello.
- Can I help?
Certainly you can,
certainly you can.
Make him fall in love with you.
Make everybody happy.
You and you and you...
And you. Hello, Mom,
I'll be home for supper.
Have meat.
Say, better put
that violin on a diet.
What about this love thing
with you kids, what about it?
Uh, well...
These porters are
delivering the instruments.
I better find Chic and Ole.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
Would you know
anything about love?
Who me? Not me.
I'm a married man.
Hey, Pops, keep that beat
a-beatin'.
I feel a rhythmic
brainstorm comin' on.
One, two, keep
that rhythm heatin'.
One more riff like that,
and I'll be gone.
Oh, man, don't stop
now, we jumpin'.
Give it everything
the law allows.
This thing might
turn into something.
If I ain't mistaken,
here comes something now.
Wow. Too bad
they're not in the show.
Put 'em in the next one.
Yeah, you're gonna produce
lots of shows from now on.
I hope you're right.
Say, boys, go down to
the station, pick up
- those wardrobe trunks,
will you?
- Okay.
Hey, Woody.
Why the suitcases?
I'm going somewhere
to try to reconstruct my life.
Hey, wait a minute.
Come on, tell Jeff all about it.
What's on your mind?
It's Kitty and me.
I'm not the man for her, Jeff.
She needs someone like you,
someone taller than
she is... mentally.
I found out
there's someone else.
I've just told her
we're through.
You...
It's my fault, Woody.
I'm sorry.
I tried not to fall
in love with Kitty,
- but, well, I did.
- You love Kitty?
Why, that's wonderful.
She needs you.
You can save her from herself.
Save her from herself?
You know, a young girl,
ideas about romance.
I better tell you about Pepi.
You mean about Pepi and Kitty?
She told me all about it.
You don't mind?
Of course not.
Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned.
Kitty.
Kitty, would you mind
stepping into
my private office?
I get it.
Guess who.
Watch me.
I was the Daniel Boone
of Brazgovnia.
Pull.
Pull.
There goes that tire again.
I heard a bang,
but I didn't hear
any ssss.
Pull.
- Hiya, Pepi.
- Good morning.
Load her up.
Pull.
Hey!
You heard the ssss
that time. Pull.
What are you doing
behind that bush?
Trying to reconstruct my life.
What needs reconstructing?
Oh, everything.
Thanks to you, I found out
about Kitty in time.
You did?
- I mean, you did?
- Yeah.
Don't worry about that, Woody.
Now what do you
think's happened?
Jeff's gone and fallen for her.
No. That's terrible.
I tried to tell him
about Pepi, but he
wouldn't listen.
Aw, no use trying
to tell Jeff about anything.
It's his own life;
let him ruin it himself.
Ready.
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones.
Wrong gun.
When you first
told me about Kitty,
I figured it was
kind of exaggerated,
and I might be able to stop it.
But after what
I saw last night,
thanks again, fellas.
- Last night?
- Hold on. What
happened last night?
He didn't leave her room
till almost 4:00 this morning.
Who?
Pepi, of course.
Chic, did I hear right?
That gag we pulled...
It ain't a gag, it's the truth.
That nice, sweet, innocent girl.
That nice, sweet,
innocent girl is just a...
There's still a Hays Office,
sweaters or no sweaters.
She's worse than that.
What a fine mess we put
our pal Jeff in.
We gotta break
that up right now.
Let's see, music,
scenery, wardrobe.
Oh, yes, I've gotta
pick up Max Kane
at the station.
Oh, no, you're not.
You're coming with me
and tell Mother and Dad
about us.
Let's wait, Kitty, please.
Careful. I've already
been jilted once today.
I warn you, if I don't
get this show on Broadway,
you'll be jilted again.
Hey, Jeff, we gotta talk to you.
It's private, if you don't mind.
That's all right. I'll
send the station wagon
for Mr. Kane.
- Listen, Jeff...
- Let me tell him.
Listen, kid, this girl Kitty...
What about her?
Okay, you tell him.
Jeff, we've got information
that proves rather conclusively
that Kitty...
that Kitty is a...
Okay, Louis.
I'll put it a different way.
You know who was
in her room at
4:00 this morning?
- Oh, that. Forget it.
- Forget it?
Listen, boys, I've got
great news for you.
Max Kane, the producer, is
coming to see the show tonight.
If he likes it,
it goes on Broadway.
And Miss Kitty Rand
becomes Mrs. Jeffrey Hunter,
so keep your fingers crossed.
Well, we did our best.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Jeff said that he won't
go for the girl
unless the show's a hit,
is that right?
Of course it's right.
It would be terrible
if he married the wrong girl.
That might nip
his whole career
right in the bud.
So?
So we've got to make sure
that the show is a flop.
Oh, sabotage.
That's the idea,
because if Kane
doesn't like the show,
nobody else will,
and Jeff won't go for Kitty.
He'll be awfully upset.
He'll get over it,
and write plenty more
hit plays.
The main thing
is to save him from
the clutches of that woman.
Good idea.
Even from you.
Yeah, but we're gonna
need some help.
Let's call some of the boys.
I'll go right to the phone.
For the kid's sake,
this show has gotta
be a bust.
It's all your fault.
How do you do?
Mr. Kane, it was
so nice of you to come.
We didn't know that
a big producer like you...
Young lady, if I didn't
respect your father's position
in the banking world,
and if a producer
doesn't know sometime
where his next mortgage
is coming from,
I'd no more come near
this show...
Oh, but it's
a great show, Mr. Kane.
- You're gonna like it.
- What'll you bet?
Now, did you give the boys
their assignments?
They're set. I don't think
I've forgotten a thing.
Hey, looky there.
We can use him.
Oh, usher, come here.
Usher.
- Usher?
- You ring for ice water?
Certainly we rang for...
Never mind that.
See that man down there?
Give him a good seat,
way down in front.
Thank you very much.
Oh, here's a little
tip for you.
A little tip?
Oh, doing a little
light reading?
I can get you a much
better seat than that,
better light.
Come this way.
*
No room out there.
This is the best
seat in the house.
Here, a little tip for you.
Full house.
Sell-out.
Here, sweetheart.
Gee, thanks, Chic.
That Bronx ballerina,
she ruined my performance.
Oh, I don't know why
anyone would wanna do that.
Hiya, Grandma.
Oh, my fan, my fan.
Could I be of assistance?
Yes, thank you.
Well, good night, all.
Very, very sorry to
interrupt at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,
but there's a very urgent call
for Mr. Robert T. McChesney.
Robert T. McChesney.
Go to your home immediately.
You have become
the father of twins.
Robert T. McChesney.
What am I running for?
My name's Miller.
- Kitty, what's happened?
What's going on?
- I don't know.
Come on, girls,
give this number everything.
Say, what's the idea of this?
Oh, my coat just had pups.
I wanted to talk to the...
Never mind.
Yeah.
* With a pom or peke
* Strolls along
the thoroughfare *
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
* Every girl
a beautiful charade *
* They pirouette
and pose a while *
* And invite a smile
* When they're putting on
the dog *
* They pass in review
* On each avenue
* Exotic, blasé
* Wherever they go
* They put on their show
* It all began with Eve
* Catching every eye
* Captivating every passerby *
* They've such
a charming unconcern *
Andrew, my fur's on the floor.
Here. This is what
you like.
Take 'em.
This thing is getting good.
Jeff hasn't overlooked a trick.
* Way down on the levee
in old Alabamy *
* There's Daddy and Mammy,
there's Ephraim and Sammy *
* On a moonlight night
you can find them all *
* While they are waitin',
the banjos are syncopatin' *
* What's that they're sayin'?
* Oh, what's that
they're sayin'? *
* While they keep playin',
I'm hummin' and swayin' *
* It's the good ship
Robert E. Lee *
* That's come to carry
the cotton away *
* Watch them shufflin' along *
* See them shufflin' along *
* Go down to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* I said to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee, the
levee, the levee, the levee *
* Join that shufflin' throng
* Hear that music and song *
* It's simply great, mate
* Waitin' on the levee
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
* Watch them shufflin' along
* So take your best gal,
real pal *
* Go down to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* Join that shufflin' throng
* Hear that music and song
* It's simply great, mate
* Waitin' on the levee
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
* Way down on the levee
in old Alabamy *
* There's Daddy and Mammy,
there's Ephraim and Sammy *
* On a moonlight night
you can find them all *
* While they are waitin',
the banjos are syncopatin' *
* What's that they're sayin',
what's that they're sayin'? *
* While I keep a-prayin',
I'm hoppin' and swayin' *
* It's the good ship
Robert E. Lee *
* That's come to carry
the cotton away *
Boo!
Boo!
* Watch them shufflin' along *
There's a little thing
back there,
and it goes like that.
* Along
* Watch them shufflin' along *
* It's simply great, mate,
waitin' on the levee *
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
You crabbed my act.
Wait a minute.
We did it for Jeff's sake
so he wouldn't marry Kitty.
Who cares? I'm gonna
blow you two to bits.
We saw Prince Pepi come out
of her room at 4:00 a.m.
Sure, he was in her room,
but he was in there with me.
- You?!
- Yes, me.
Now you guys stand back
and take your medicine.
We ruined our pal,
that's what we've done.
Jeff will murder us for this.
Where are those two baboons?
- We've gotta do
a disappearing act.
- Yeah, but how?
Disappearing act.
- I can help you out.
- I'm a magician.
You can make us disappear?
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Zip the zipper.
I saw it in pictures
one time, great trick.
I used to make guinea pigs
disappear by the thousands.
I often wonder
what became of 'em.
All you do is this.
Like this.
Something's the matter,
I'm stuck.
You got it all wrong.
I saw that picture.
You're supposed to
zip it down.
Like this.
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute.
I can't get outta this.
You look better that way.
Ole, I can't get it back either.
Easy, he says.
All you gotta do
is zip the zipper.
Well, you've got me
all mixed up.
Oh, you've been mixed up
since the day you were born.
Why, you sawed-off little runt.
Runt?!
Where are you?
Someday I have to figure a way
to get them out of this thing.
Have you seen
those two imbeciles?
Come out of there.
Come on down, where are you?
Don't let him in.
That's Pepi.
He's after us.
- What'll we do? Hide.
- Hurry.
Wait a minute,
what are you trying to
do, climb out the window?
- Why don't you
make up your mind?
- Hurry up.
This is no time for dancing.
Come over here.
Get behind me quick.
Look at them over there.
Half man and half nothing.
What's going on here?
Where?
Oh, double talk.
Who are you looking at,
you pasty-faced Pomeranian?
Did you call me
a pasty-faced Pomeranian?
I certainly did.
Listen, you...
Well, we have things
to attend to.
Let's go.
Ole, come here.
Hurry up, quick!
Let's get out of here
before Jeff catches us.
Just a minute.
Home, James.
Hurry and get into
your conga clothes.
We've got to do something
to save this show.
I know, I know.
Halt.
About face.
Go.
Characters.
You got us into this,
now get us out.
Hurry up. What do you
have to do to unzip us?
We can't go around
dressed like this
the rest of our lives.
I never did figure out
that part of the trick.
I never could make
that guinea pig visible.
What? You did that
to us?
Yes.
If his spirit leaves him,
we're done for.
- Mr. Jordan.
- Mr. Jordan.
Throw some water on my face.
My face here.
Not in my face, in his face.
Come on, do something.
Yeah, unzip us.
Well, I'll try.
No, no, no, no!
Now we're not here
at all anymore.
Well, well, well.
Say hello to my guinea pigs
if you see 'em.
Come on, Princey, we're on.
We're on, but the show is off.
Those two maniacs
spoiled everything.
Don't you call those
two crazy idiots maniacs.
Why, they put
this whole show over.
- What?
- I'll tell you
after the number.
Who did that?
Did you say we put it over?
Ole. Hey, Ole,
where are you?
Never mind,
we're here.
What happened?
Oh, plenty. Mr. Kane said
the show's a sockeroo, a wham.
In fact, he says it's good.
Oh, brother.
Where's Jeff?
Holy smokes, Jeff.
I almost forgot
about him.
Well, he's probably
packed up and back
in town by this time.
Come on, Ole,
we've gotta get him fast.
I don't get it.
Maybe I'm wrong.
*
* Till you've done
the conga beso *
* You don't know
what you've missed *
* It's the Cuban conga
with a Yankee twist *
* You won't even mind
if you need rehearsal *
* Try it and you'll find
why it's universal *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* It will make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a bit you can't miss,
one and two and three, kiss *
* When you're
on the dance floor *
* Why just dance?
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
Wait a minute!
Cut it out!
Chick, Ole.
Cut it out, will ya?
Quit shovin' me around.
Hey, what's going on here?
I don't know
what you did or
how you did it,
but it's terrific.
Get his checkbook, Ole.
Okay, you get his pen.
Like the show, huh?
Start writing,
Mr. Kane.
What can I lose?
*
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* It'll make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a beat you can't miss,
one and two and three, kiss *
* When you're on the dance
floor, why just dance? *
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* Dance the conga beso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Oh, it will make you gay, so *
* Dance the conga beso
* Now it's a beat
you can't miss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
* When you're on
the dance floor *
* Dance the conga beso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
Oh, bit me.
Oh, Bessie, my pet guinea pig.
You've been absent for months.
How did you get unzipped?
What?
Yeah? As simple as that?
Oh, a cape, a cape.
Oh, a cape, okay.
Everybody's having fun but us.
Yeah, you made us invisible.
Now make us reappear.
* Dance the conga beso
Mrs. Jones!
* Dance the conga beso
Mrs. Jones!
* It will make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a beat you can't miss
Ha ha ha, you missed me.
You need glasses.
Can you imagine that?
A talking bear.
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Conga beso!
"Max Kane produces the show
off-Broadway,
where it's a big hit,
and Kitty and Jeff
live happily ever after."
Nice work, Selby.
I knew you could do it.
Talking bears, talking dogs,
people who disappear,
slapstick comedy.
What kind of a script is that?
Well, I didn't tell you,
but I saw Hellzapoppin'
in New York,
and I thought it was very funny.
Well, here's what I think of it.
Well, you can't
hurt me that way.
I always wear a bulletproof vest
around the studios.
* Hellzapoppin'
* Old Satan's on a tear
Hellzapoppin'! *
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* And there's a rumor now
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da ya, da ya, da ya
* Hellzapoppin'!
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
Fifteen years I been
running these pictures,
and now, all of a sudden,
I got to be an actor.
* I once had a vision
of heaven *
* And you were there...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Old Satan's on a tear
Hellzapoppin'! *
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* And there's a rumor now
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da ya, da ya, da ya
* Hellzapoppin'!
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
Ooh! Ooh!
- Calling all devils.
- Calling all devils.
Stop being so wasteful.
We have lost our priorities
on fire and brimstone.
That is all.
Okay, boys!
Can him up!
Send up
to the warehouse
for more blondes!
We're running low!
Bring up some more heat.
- Stand back, everybody.
- Stand back.
Here come our prize guests.
That's the first taxi driver
that ever went straight
where I told him to.
- Next time
you say that, smile.
- Yeah.
What are you afraid of?
Remember, you're
head man here.
Say, that's right.
I am.
Here, Jeeves.
Who are you?
U.S. Secret Service,
2-5-2-6-6.
- What number?
- 2-5-2-6-6.
Holy smoke, I've been drafted.
Let me go!
Let me go!
Please! Please!
Let me go back
to my little baby.
- What are you talking about?
- My little Junior.
Mommy!
Oh, Mama!
Oh, Mommy!
They struck oil.
Hey! What about that fare?
- Who was that?
- "What about that fare"
is what I said!
What?
You heard me!
- Wait a minute!
- What are you gonna do,
give us a bill...
Hey, now, wait a minute!
You can't give us a bill
for riding around
just a block like that.
We've ridden
in yellow taxicabs
all over the country.
Do you think
we're gonna pay that?
Give him the works.
What's this?
Whoa!
What happened?
Pardon me just a moment, folks.
Hey, operator!
Hey, you up there
running this film.
I'd like to see
that last part
over again.
Oh, he can't do that,
he's working for
the theater.
The management won't let
him do it. What's the matter...
Are you crazy or something?
He'll do it for us.
I got him the job!
That's Cousin Louis.
Toots, every time
I see you, I get hot
and cold at the same time.
Give me your lips,
will you, Toots?
I will not.
Louis. Louis!
Rewind the film!
- Aw, come on.
- Louis!
We've been keeping steady
company now for two days,
haven't we?
Hey, Louis!
Don't go away.
Rewind this film, will you?
What's the matter
with you guys?
Don't you know
you can't talk to me
and the audience?
Well, we're doing it, aren't we?
Yes, folks.
This is Hellzapoppin'!
Come on, Louis, make it snappy.
This is screwy.
The actors out there
talking to me up here.
Okay, Louis!
Who was that?
Give him the works.
Get away!
- They're off!
- Last Chance, first.
Second Honeymoon, third.
Henry the Eighth, fourth.
Anaconda Copper...
87 and 3/4, down a point.
Let me go! I can't stand it!
I can't stand it!
I can't stand it any longer!
- You can't stand what?
- This!
And cut!
Hold the cameras.
Save the steam, save the flame.
- This is impossible.
- What's the matter?
- We can't shoot
this kind of stuff.
- Why not?
This is Hellzapoppin'!
Chickens, horses, Tic-Tac-Toe.
Pictures are different.
You got to have a story!
Story!
Crazy. Come on.
Just a minute, please,
just a minute.
Pardon me.
May I please have
your autograph? You know,
you're my favorite actors.
Oscar always takes me
to see your pictures.
We just adore them.
- Well, thank you.
- Who are they?
Why, Olsen and Johnson.
Olsen... Olsen and Johnson!
Oscar!
Now, listen, fellas.
We got to have a story.
A love story.
- Why?
- Why? I'll tell you why.
Because we got to have one!
Because every picture
has one!
Hey! Just a minute.
Take it easy, bud!
- Who is he?
- My bodyguard.
- Take it easy!
- Oh!
Telephone
for Mr. Olsen.
Hello?
Who?
The chambermaid?
It's for you.
Hello?
Yeah.
That's bad.
That's good.
That's good.
- That's bad.
- Hey.
- That's good.
- Hey.
- That's good.
- Hey!
- That's bad!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- That... What?
- What are you doing?
I'm helping her sort
a box of strawberries.
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
Now, what do you want?
I've got to deliver
this plant to Mrs. Jones.
- Mrs. Jones!
- Look here, my friend,
we're making
a motion picture here.
That's a matter
of opinion.
Mrs. Jones!
Ole, Chic, listen.
We've had a writer
working on a love story.
Won't you at least talk to him?
Come on.
You can't tell me
you have to have
a love story.
Would I give you a bum steer?
Oscar!
Hey, I've been a director
for 15 years and I never did
a picture without a story.
There never
has been a picture
without a story.
There never
will be a picture
without a story!
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
May I take your picture?
- What?
- May I take your picture?
- Sure!
- Go ahead.
Oh, thanks!
Boys, put your careers
in the palm of my hand.
Oscar! Oscar!
Will someone
stop that woman
from yelling "Oscar"?
Oscar!
Will someone please
stop that woman from
yelling "Oscar"?
Oscar.
Thank you.
Thank you, very much.
Boys, I'll mold you
into great artists.
You don't have to mold us.
We're very happy
the way we are.
Yeah, we think we look fine.
Give us a chance and we'll make
you the best director...
- I am the best director!
- Now, wait a minute.
I thought they burnt that.
All right, Selby.
Up on your feet.
This is Mr. Olsen
and Mr. Johnson.
- How are you, Selby?
- I didn't hear your
first name.
- Harry.
- What?
Harry.
Well, you've got
to speak louder.
I can't hear you.
Harry!
Yes, he's a little weak.
The doctor's got him
on a soup diet.
- Soup diet?
- Yes, he told me to eat
three plates a day.
Three plates a day?
Ha! You ought to be
feeling swell.
Oscar!
- Oscar!
- Be right back.
Joe, Harry, Willy!
Where are all my assistants
around here?
Now, look, Selby.
You seem like
a bright young man.
- How old are you?
- Twenty-three.
Twenty-three.
Well, that's
a patriotic age.
Uncle Sam needs
young men like you.
- I presume
you're ambitious.
- Oh, yes.
That's fine.
What would you
like to be?
Twenty-nine.
Say, fella.
How much would you charge
to haunt a house?
How many rooms?
Okay, boys.
Okay, no more
interruptions.
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
- Mrs. Jones!
- Oscar!
Oscar!
How much longer
do I have to put up
with this?
Until we finish this picture!
How long?
Until we finish this picture!
Oh, no!
Okay, send for
another cameraman.
All right, boys.
Grab a couple chairs
and sit down.
I'm gonna tell you
this story if I have
to hire people to listen.
It's a picture
about a picture
about Hellzapoppin'.
It's a great script.
Feel how much it weighs.
Listen, buddy.
For three years
we did Hellzapoppin'
on Broadway.
And that's the way
we want it on the screen.
This is Hollywood.
We change everything here.
We got to.
Why?
Listen to the story!
It's all about
a young fella
named Woody Tyler.
That's Woody Tyler.
He's very rich.
Wait till he pays
his income tax.
Now, Woody's in love
with Kitty Rand.
That's Kitty Rand,
also very rich.
Well, that solves everything.
Ah, that's what everyone thinks.
But does she love Woody?
No.
Right!
Great story mind.
Whom does she love?
- Oscar!
- Oscar, yes... No!
She's in love with your
playwright friend, Jeff.
- That's Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.
Hi, Ole.
Does Jeff love Kitty?
Now, our story starts
at Kitty Rand's home
on Long Island.
Come over here
and I'll show you
a picture of it.
Here's a picture
of the Rand estate, where
our story takes place.
Snazzy-looking joint, isn't it?
- There's a long line
of limousines.
Oh, a funeral, huh?
No, no. It's the guests
arriving for the weekend
party.
Kitty's arranged
a Red Cross benefit.
- That's a nice idea.
- No, it's a plot to keep
Jeff near her.
That's why they're
putting on a show.
Not another picture
with a show in it.
Puh-lease!
This one's important.
Jeff's been trying
to sell it
to a Broadway producer
for months.
How could you stage a show
right here on the grass?
Oh, no.
Not on the grass.
In our big outdoor theater
back of the greenhouse.
We Rands are disgustingly rich.
But why a theater?
Oh, I've wanted to be an actress
ever since I was knee-high
to a footlight.
Yes, and she's got
a beautiful voice, too.
Thanks!
You're welcome.
Nice-looking couple.
Why doesn't Jeff
marry her?
- He doesn't want
to marry for money.
Huh?
He isn't giving in to love
until he makes good on his own.
- That's movies!
- That's crazy.
That's movies!
- Who are they?
- Fibber McGee and Molly.
No, they're Kitty's parents.
They know Kitty's
kind of stuck on Jeff
and they don't like it.
They want her to marry Woody.
Where is this mug Woody?
Let's follow
Kitty's parents
and find out.
- No, he's not here.
- Let's look on the terrace.
You look on the terrace.
We'll stay right here.
Ah, there's our man.
So, you took us away
from her to meet him?
Hey, Woody, get up.
Get up, Woody.
Come on, Woody,
get up there. Come on,
Woody, Get up.
Kitty's looking for you.
She's on the terrace.
Better get over there before
your pal, Jeff, steals her away.
There he goes. Now, see,
Kitty wants to get rid of him.
She's asking him
to take up that suitcase.
That's just a stall.
Jeff's offering
to take it up, huh?
Yeah. Determined
to leave the road clear
for his friend, Woody.
Oh, Jeff. Hey, Jeff.
Can't you hear us, Jeff?
Let the big dope
take the suitcase.
- You're not the butler.
- You know the girl loves you.
Don't do it.
Jeff, don't do it...
Aww!
- Glad to see me, Kitty?
- What do you think?
Now here comes
a guest you may recognize.
Prince Pepi.
Prince Pepi!
That's Mischa Auer.
- He looks like a phony.
- Right? He is a phony,
a chiseler.
He hasn't a penny in his pocket.
Try the inside pocket.
They know he's a phony,
but they don't mind.
They think he's cute.
Now watch this.
See, he's gonna
flip the driver for it.
You know who's gonna win.
See, what did I tell ya?
Why, the cheap four flusher.
What's that load of junk?
Those are the properties
for Jeff's show.
Who are those two
silly-looking...
Hey, wait a minute.
How did we get
to Long Island?
You're two prop men
who live in the same
boardinghouse as Jeff.
You're helping him
put on the show.
- Who's driving?
- You'll find out in a minute,
and will you be sorry you asked.
- Say, isn't there any
sound in this picture?
- Sure. Listen.
It's Chic and Ole.
I knew I could count on them.
Say, they're really
your pals, aren't they?
They sure are.
- Hiya, boys.
- Hiya, Jeff.
Hi, Kitty. Look at
all this stuff we got.
With the few bucks I gave you?
Certainly.
Here's your money back.
We kinda borrowed the stuff.
- Temporarily-like.
- I get it.
Yoo-hoo!
Don't tell me you brought her.
Aw, the kid sister's all right.
- She won't make
any trouble this time.
- I'll make sure.
Whoo-hoo!
- Hello, Betty.
- Hi, Jeff.
Hey, did you get a gander
at those good-looking
he-men around here?
I don't need to look
any further.
Are you kiddin'?
That's not for me.
I go in for mass production.
Now wait a minute.
Do you remember
what happened at the last party?
Can I help the animal in me?
Come on, Betty, I'll
show you the theater
and the swimming pool...
Just show me the men.
I'll ad-lib from there on.
Uh-oh.
It really isn't stealing, Ole,
if we take it back.
Say, look here, you.
If it's not asking too much,
would you mind getting
this truck off my lawn?
Truck off the lawn?
Sure. Hold this.
What do you wanna do, melt that?
Put it in the shade.
Right over there to one side.
Pardon me, ma'am.
Scene ten, sculptor's studio.
Right there.
Hey, Shorty, hold these.
Hey, Shorty, take this.
Okay, Shorty.
- Ole.
- Yeah.
Scene 15, balloon number.
There.
Oh, pardon me, ma'am.
Police, that's what I need.
Here. You don't want
the police.
You want me...
Why do I want you?
Master of disguises.
Mysterious. Watch.
I've seen enough.
Psst.
Marvelous.
How do you like it?
Stupendous.
Say, who are you anyway?
Private detective.
My card here.
My card here.
Crimes committed...
I mean solved, while you wait.
Are you sure you can
cope with the situation?
Oh, yeah,
just as smooth as ice.
Everything will be grand.
All right, see that nothing
happens to spoil the pleasure
of our guests, and above all,
see that nothing happens
to the show tomorrow night.
Kitty's got her heart set
on making a huge success of it.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Forgot your ice cube.
- Oh, thank you.
That's a funny habit,
carrying ice cubes around
in your pocket.
Oh, hello. Have we met
before some place?
Face looks kind of familiar.
More coffee?
Your Highness!
Get up, you fool.
Hurry up, get up!
You want they should
find out I'm not a phony?
But, Your Highness...
If they find out
I'm not a phony,
they are no longer amused.
No longer amused,
they are no longer interested.
No longer interested,
no longer money.
No longer money,
I'm just like you,
Count Alexander Alexandrovich
Alexandrovsky...
A poor slob.
Look, Betty,
how would you like to meet
a real, honest-to-goodness
nobleman?
You mean one of
those hand-kissers?
Oh, no, that's not for me.
But that's just a preliminary.
He's got titles up to here.
Well, just so they reach
around me, that's all
I care about.
There he is now.
- Oh, Jeff.
- Yeah.
Not that I'm
a fortune hunter
or anything,
but I understand there's
a lot of wealthy heiresses
on the loose here today.
You know, girls
with beautiful figures
in the bank.
They tell me
Gloria Van Dearborn's
looking for a new title.
Would you be kind enough
to locate her and introduce me?
See, I'm in the mood
to make rich girls happy.
Sure.
Here. You came
with those people
that gave me that ice;
now give it back to 'em.
Kitty, I want
to speak to you, alone.
There's Gloria now.
Point her out to me.
It's not proper to point, Pepi.
She's the girl
loaded down with the ice.
The girl with all the ice, huh?
That's right.
Oh, well. What I have
to do for money.
You look lovely today
with your ice.
You know me?
Everyone knows you but me.
Oh.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
Gee whiz.
At last.
Someone who wants to talk first.
Shall we step in there?
Shall we? Oh, boy!
Cozy, isn't it?
I kiss your hand, madam.
We just did that.
Remember, I have a face, too.
Oh, even to
a Van Dearborn,
I'm fascinating.
Say, what is this
Van Dearborn business?
You are not Gloria Van Dearborn?
Are you kiddin'?
198th Street, the Bronx,
that's me.
No, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- No, no, no!
Say, did you see
a Volga boatman go by here.
Did he have
an outboard motor on him?
That's right...
What outboard motor?
No, he's tall, dark,
and handsome.
I think he's gonna
be in love with me.
Says so on my palm.
Oh, that's an ant.
* All my life,
I've been waiting *
* For the right one to appear *
* Someone to sweep me
right off my feet *
* And whisper sweet nothings
in my ear *
* Then you came along
* And I was glad
* But now I'm getting mad *
* Love's supposed to thrill
not bore us *
* But you're as dead
as a dinosaurus *
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I don't get it
* If this is all romance is *
* We might as well forget it *
* The hints that
I throw at you *
* Would explode wet dynamite *
* But you're as cold
as a bronze statue *
* Oh, you don't love right
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I'm disgusted
* For all the good my heart is *
* It might as well be busted *
* I don't know what
our romance seems to lack *
* But when I love you,
you don't love back *
* I can't even get
one little kiss *
* What kind of love is this?
* What kind of love
is this? *
* Frankly, I'm disgusted
* For all the good my heart is *
* It might as well be busted *
* I don't know what
our romance seems to lack *
* But when I love,
you don't love back *
* I can't even get
one little kiss *
* What kind of love is this?
One trunk, one dress form,
one tuba.
Hey, buddy, bring me
a pitcher of ice water
and a menu.
Oh, boy, we've got
everything but
the kitchen sink.
One sink.
Did you bring the moon?
Moon.
- Snow.
- Snow.
One canary.
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, where's the canary?
In the cat.
Let's see, act one, scene two.
On the table is
King Tut's skull.
Did you get King Tut's skull?
- There.
- Check.
What's that?
That's King Tut
when he was a little boy.
Check.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen
of the radio audience.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Are you bothered
with corns and bunions?
Oh, yes, a lot.
Very, very badly.
Thanks for asking me anyhow.
I'll call the police
if you don't stop following me.
Who me?
Oh, brother, you'd better
see your dentist at least
twice a year.
My nobleman!
Whoa!
Say, you.
Say, what's going on here?
I thought you were gonna
put a stop to all this madness.
A Fingle never fails.
I'll be seeing you.
Hey, what's this?
I made it for Woody,
act three, when they
make him a knight.
I know, but what are these for?
Coat of arms.
Come on, let's check
the wardrobe for
the garden party number.
Okay.
- Lady de Troop.
- Check.
- Lady Vandermeer.
- Check.
Lady Wintergarden.
No, you gotta get
a white dress for
Lady Wintergarden.
Check.
Put it in the closet.
Hey, Ole, is that Kitty a pal.
Hey, fella!
Why don't you put your hand out
when you make a left turn?
- This is our room.
- Sabotage.
Look! He's dressed
just like us.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing
in my closet?
Your closet?
Our closet.
This is my room,
and those are my clothes.
This is our room,
and those are our props.
Get out of those smocks.
Take them off, you imbeciles.
Look, Rasputin,
Shorty the butler
gave us this room.
So don't you think
you're making a mistake?
Bah!!
Hereafter, I'll
answer my own questions.
Let's talk this thing
over quietly.
Hey!
Light?
If you please.
Take it away.
Drafty, isn't it?
On your mark...
get set...
Wow! You're gonna play
hard to get, huh?
Oh, it's you.
- Your Highness.
- Stop that Highness!
- Yes, Your...
- Your pants.
Mujik?
Down. From now on,
Count Alexander
Alexandrovich
Alexandrovsky,
you may consider
yourself a Grand Duke.
Did you see a tall man
without any...
What a place.
Hey!
Oh, hey, hey.
You know what you're doing,
you know what you're doing?
Of course I know
what I'm doing.
I'm just...
Not me. It's hard luck
to walk under a ladder.
Oh, my error.
* There's a cottage
hidden in the hills *
* By a waterfall
where stardust spills *
* And songs bloom
on the windowsills *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a picket fence
of moonlight bars *
* And a shingle roof
of April stars *
* And shells of spring
in crystal jars *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a first
and second mortgage *
* Of a million moonbeams *
* But we could pay it off
in no time *
* With our very best dreams
* There's a rainbow rug
upon the floor *
* And a horseshoe moon
above the door *
* The only thing
it needs is you *
* My heaven for two
* There's a cottage
hidden in the hills *
* By a waterfall
where stardust spills *
* And songs bloom
on the windowsills *
* It's heaven for two
Hey, Stinky, will you
go on home?
Stinky, will you go home?
That's a good boy.
Go home and get yourself
sick on spinach.
All right, go ahead
with the song.
* There's a picket fence
of moonlight bars *
* And a shingle roof
of April stars *
* And shells of spring
in crystal jars *
* It's heaven for two
* There's a first
and second mortgage *
* Of a million moonbeams
* But we could pay it off
in no time *
* With our very best dreams
* There's a rainbow rug
upon the floor *
* And a horseshoe moon
above the door *
* The only thing
it needs is you *
Holy smoke, I didn't mean
for this to happen. Come on.
Look here, what did Jeff
tell us to get for scene four?
Arrows or sparrows?
I don't know.
We can get both.
Louis.
Operator.
Louis!
That's what happens
when you hire relatives.
Louis!
Oh, yeah? You can't talk
that way to me
and get away with it.
Actors, huh?
I'll get even with you guys.
I'll think of something.
If I could only
give him a Mickey.
- Louis.
- Let me alone.
I'm thinkin'.
Well, I'll leave you two here.
Aren't you coming with us?
No, thanks. I've gotta do
some work on the first act.
See ya later.
Hi, Jeff.
What's the matter, kid?
You love the girl
and the girl loves you.
She's got all the money
in the world,
and you want to brush her off.
I know what it is.
You don't wanna cut
in on your pal,
- isn't that it?
- Woody's been
too swell a friend.
I wouldn't hurt him
for anything in the world.
Well, let's get after
those arrows.
Everybody watch me.
I was the William Tell
of Brazgovnia.
Come, let us go to the pool.
Mrs. Jones.
"I shot an arrow in the air,
it fell to Earth,
I know not where."
Oh, now I know.
There oughta be something
we can do for Jeff.
Maybe we can put Woody
in the nut house.
Ah, opportunity knocks.
More over here, Ole.
Need any help?
- We've got a big problem.
- We're thinking.
That won't help.
You see, we're trying
to fix up things for
Jeff and Kitty.
Oh, trying to get rid
of Woody, huh?
That's right.
Well, deal me in.
Have you got any ideas?
Let me think.
Maybe we can talk Woody
into giving Kitty the brush-off.
I know, but how?
I remember when
my boyfriend gave me
the brush-off.
Kitty's not that kind of a girl.
If we could make Woody believe
that Kitty ain't
the kind of girl
he thinks she is,
he might take a powder.
Uh-huh. I...
I think you got something there.
Yeah, but how do we do it?
Well, we'll collar Woody
at the dance tonight.
When we get through
with him, he'll think
Kitty's a female Bluebeard.
- Okay.
- It's a mean trick.
We're doing it for our pal Jeff.
Are you with us, kid?
To the death.
Help!
All right, girls, now smile.
Remember, you're having
a good time.
All right, watch the birdy.
Young lady, would you mind
sitting over in that chair?
Right there.
Oh, that's fine.
Now hold it.
Still.
And what I mean is, don't move.
All right, watch the birdy.
Thank you.
Bread, please.
Two slices?
I said bread.
Bread.
That's enough?
What do you mean, that's enough?
You're back to two slices.
It's been a great opportunity
for me to come up here
and take your pictures,
and I hope your show
is a success.
I really do.
Well, good-bye, girls.
* Well, hello, big boy,
what's cookin'? *
* Would you like to get
your picture tooken? *
* There may be a movie,
a contract in it *
* Well, come on, Jack,
it'll only take a minute *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you've got *
* Watch the birdy, look around
and pick a spot *
* And hold it
* Watch the birdy
* Just strike
a funny pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, or you can
beat that pose a mile *
* Watch the birdy, and let me
see your pretty smile *
* And hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue,
a golden tan *
* And strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you,
will you get out of the way? *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
* Zoot-ay
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just
look around and pick a spot *
* Hold it, zoot it,
and hold it *
* Watch the birdy, just strike
a funny pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, you can
beat that pose a while *
* Watch the birdy, now let
me see your pretty smile *
* Hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue,
a golden tan *
* Strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you, will you
get out of the way *
* Watch the birdy, we'll take
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
* Zooty, now hold it
* We're looking for
a tall, dark, handsome man *
* With eyes of blue
and a golden tan *
* Strong white teeth
like Joel McCrae *
* Hey, you, will you
get out of the way *
* Watch the birdy, we'll get
a candid camera shot *
* Watch the birdy, come on
and give it all you got *
* Watch the birdy, just look
around and pick a spot *
* Hold it
Oh, somebody's been
fooling around with my battery.
Hoo hoo!
Hey.
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at
a sky full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day,
I spoke to a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard music
by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I stood in the spray
of a fountain *
* And you were there
* I climbed to the top
of a mountain *
* And you were there
* Whenever we two are apart *
* I look down deep in my heart *
* For, darling, I know
that I'll find you there *
Oh, Jeff.
Darling.
What did you say?
I said, "Yes, Kitty?"
Oh. That's not what
it sounded like.
That's what it should've
sounded like.
Woody wants Mother and Dad
to announce our engagement
tonight.
Well, that's swell.
Woody's a great guy.
I give up.
We gotta go to work
on Woody right away.
You tell her.
- All right,
dance me over.
- Okay.
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance like Ginger Rogers?
- No.
- No wonder.
I suppose your dad
told you my plan.
It's a perfect night
for it; what do you say?
Oh, well, Woody, I...
Look, I wanna tell you
something for your own good.
Mujik.
Why, you Czatsky-dancing
tea guzzler, I oughta...
I...
Oh, hello.
Did anyone ever tell you
you dance just like...
What happened?
Well, did you tell Woody?
Are you kiddin'?
I didn't have a chance.
- Did you tell him?
- She messed it up.
We'll have to
tell him ourselves.
Come on, let's go.
I have asked her, but she
wouldn't give me an answer.
Well, take her out
to some quiet corner
and make her give you an answer.
And do it now.
But, Mr. Rand, I...
Just the fella
we've been looking for.
Come with us.
What's this all about?
Just a minute.
You'll find out.
- I'll tell you...
- Let me tell him.
- No, I'll tell him.
- Will you let me handle it?
- Look, boys, I'm busy.
Are you more interested
in that picture or me?
I wasted all day
up here with you.
Them mugs annoy me.
They're stickin'
their noses into somebody
else's business again.
And so am I.
I could've had a good
date this afternoon.
You want to mix
it all up?
Leave it alone.
What are you doing,
are you wacky?
Oh, if you weren't
wearing glasses,
would I fix you up.
- Glasses? Glasses?!
- Cut it out.
Pal...
Just a moment, Woody.
We're having a little
trouble with this film.
That Louis again.
Hey, Louis, will you keep
your mind on your work?
Will you get away from...
Don't tell me what to do!
Boy, I'm getting
a little seasick.
So am I.
Hey, maybe we can
handle this ourselves.
Give me a hand here.
- That's good.
- That's it.
Oh!
Where's Chic?
Hey, how did you get up there?
How did you get down there?
Come on, Woody.
Here we go again.
Be careful, will ya?
Look out for my head.
Be careful.
Cut it out, will ya?
Hey, Louis, get that blonde
outta there,
concentrate on your business.
Terrible way to make a living.
Louis, you dope!
Hey, Woody, how do
we get outta this?
I don't know.
It never happened
to me before.
Louis, you crazy...
Louis, be careful.
Shut up!
Number one machine...
Number two machine here.
What do you got going on?
Louis, look.
You put on
the wrong picture.
Take it off.
You crazy or something?!
Hey, Louis!
Hey, wait a minute, Louis.
This is no longer a mistake.
This is not Hellzapoppin'.
Ole, those horses
don't know what they're doin'.
Look at that big dope.
Louis, will you take
those phony Hollywood Indians
- off the screen?
- Get 'em off there.
Ow! We've had
enough of this!
Get off.
That's better.
Now put on our picture.
Come on, come on.
That's it.
Where are we?
Over further.
There we are.
- Hold it.
- Relatives!
I'd have that half-wit
fired if he wasn't
your cousin.
My cousin? I thought
he was your cousin.
- He said...
- That's what he told me.
Oh, he did, did he?
Hey, you guys gonna
stand there all day?
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
Listen, you big chump,
lay off of this little chump.
Who's a little chump?
You're a barrel-waisted weasel.
That's different.
Let's go.
Just wait till
this picture's over.
Look, I've wasted enough time.
Oh, wait.
I thought I was gonna tell him.
All right, you tell him.
Pal, you've been
mighty swell to us.
To show you we appreciate it,
we're gonna give you a tip.
You're much too nice a guy
to be mixed up with Kitty Rand.
What do you mean?!
- Maybe you better
tell him after all.
- Oh, no, go right ahead.
Come on, out with it!
Oh, it's nothing.
Maybe she don't know it's wrong.
So that's it.
Well, who's the guy?
Will you tell him?
Keep going.
You're doing fine.
Wait a minute.
It's...
It's the prince, the phony.
- Pepi?
- Pepi.
That's tellin' him.
- Which way did they go?
- That way.
Maybe you don't realize
it, Pepi, but it's true.
That's why I want you
to stay away from Kitty.
And stop eating
those sandwiches.
Maybe you do hold
some attraction for her,
but if you do, I'm sure
it's not the real thing.
You mean to say I hold
some attraction for her?
What else can it be?
And you say
it's not the real thing?
Of course not.
Remember now,
stay away from her.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Sure.
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at a sky
full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day, I spoke to
a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard
music by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I once had
a vision of heaven *
* And you were there
* I gazed at
a sky full of starlight *
* And you were there
* One day I spoke to
a bluebird *
* It told me in song about you *
* Once I heard
music by Gershwin *
* And you were there too
* I stood in
the spray of a fountain *
* And you were there
* I climbed to the top
of a mountain *
* And you were there
* Whenever we two are apart *
* I look down deep in my heart *
* For, darling, I know that *
* I'll find you
* There
* For naturally, obviously
* You were there
Where you going,
as if I didn't know.
- Let me go.
- What for, what for?
That phony Russian's up there
trying to make love to my girl.
Who is it?
It is I. Me.
Pepi!
Katusha, why have you
waited so long?
Waited? What...
You should have known
it was futile to
struggle against fate.
Struggle against what?
Ah, my little dove,
let me embrace you.
Oh, now look, Pepi...
Do not pretend, Katusha.
Now, Pepi, stop.
Tonight is ours,
and it shall live forever,
because you're a woman
and I'm a man.
Ah, man and a woman.
Pepi, I'm warning you.
Get out of here.
Ah, my little...
Oh, thank you very much.
Kind of dark in here.
Oh, my little turnip.
My two little guitars.
I love...
Such passion!
Together we'll make
beautiful music.
- What's the matter?
- Pepi's in my room.
I think he's gone
love crazy or something.
Oh, let me at him.
You stay here
where you'll be safe.
Katusha.
Mujik!
Oh!
Yahoo!
Mujik!
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, no, no, no!
What a woman.
Don't ask me how I do it, folks.
- Oh, hello.
- Can I help?
Certainly you can,
certainly you can.
Make him fall in love with you.
Make everybody happy.
You and you and you...
And you. Hello, Mom,
I'll be home for supper.
Have meat.
Say, better put
that violin on a diet.
What about this love thing
with you kids, what about it?
Uh, well...
These porters are
delivering the instruments.
I better find Chic and Ole.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
Would you know
anything about love?
Who me? Not me.
I'm a married man.
Hey, Pops, keep that beat
a-beatin'.
I feel a rhythmic
brainstorm comin' on.
One, two, keep
that rhythm heatin'.
One more riff like that,
and I'll be gone.
Oh, man, don't stop
now, we jumpin'.
Give it everything
the law allows.
This thing might
turn into something.
If I ain't mistaken,
here comes something now.
Wow. Too bad
they're not in the show.
Put 'em in the next one.
Yeah, you're gonna produce
lots of shows from now on.
I hope you're right.
Say, boys, go down to
the station, pick up
- those wardrobe trunks,
will you?
- Okay.
Hey, Woody.
Why the suitcases?
I'm going somewhere
to try to reconstruct my life.
Hey, wait a minute.
Come on, tell Jeff all about it.
What's on your mind?
It's Kitty and me.
I'm not the man for her, Jeff.
She needs someone like you,
someone taller than
she is... mentally.
I found out
there's someone else.
I've just told her
we're through.
You...
It's my fault, Woody.
I'm sorry.
I tried not to fall
in love with Kitty,
- but, well, I did.
- You love Kitty?
Why, that's wonderful.
She needs you.
You can save her from herself.
Save her from herself?
You know, a young girl,
ideas about romance.
I better tell you about Pepi.
You mean about Pepi and Kitty?
She told me all about it.
You don't mind?
Of course not.
Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned.
Kitty.
Kitty, would you mind
stepping into
my private office?
I get it.
Guess who.
Watch me.
I was the Daniel Boone
of Brazgovnia.
Pull.
Pull.
There goes that tire again.
I heard a bang,
but I didn't hear
any ssss.
Pull.
- Hiya, Pepi.
- Good morning.
Load her up.
Pull.
Hey!
You heard the ssss
that time. Pull.
What are you doing
behind that bush?
Trying to reconstruct my life.
What needs reconstructing?
Oh, everything.
Thanks to you, I found out
about Kitty in time.
You did?
- I mean, you did?
- Yeah.
Don't worry about that, Woody.
Now what do you
think's happened?
Jeff's gone and fallen for her.
No. That's terrible.
I tried to tell him
about Pepi, but he
wouldn't listen.
Aw, no use trying
to tell Jeff about anything.
It's his own life;
let him ruin it himself.
Ready.
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones.
Wrong gun.
When you first
told me about Kitty,
I figured it was
kind of exaggerated,
and I might be able to stop it.
But after what
I saw last night,
thanks again, fellas.
- Last night?
- Hold on. What
happened last night?
He didn't leave her room
till almost 4:00 this morning.
Who?
Pepi, of course.
Chic, did I hear right?
That gag we pulled...
It ain't a gag, it's the truth.
That nice, sweet, innocent girl.
That nice, sweet,
innocent girl is just a...
There's still a Hays Office,
sweaters or no sweaters.
She's worse than that.
What a fine mess we put
our pal Jeff in.
We gotta break
that up right now.
Let's see, music,
scenery, wardrobe.
Oh, yes, I've gotta
pick up Max Kane
at the station.
Oh, no, you're not.
You're coming with me
and tell Mother and Dad
about us.
Let's wait, Kitty, please.
Careful. I've already
been jilted once today.
I warn you, if I don't
get this show on Broadway,
you'll be jilted again.
Hey, Jeff, we gotta talk to you.
It's private, if you don't mind.
That's all right. I'll
send the station wagon
for Mr. Kane.
- Listen, Jeff...
- Let me tell him.
Listen, kid, this girl Kitty...
What about her?
Okay, you tell him.
Jeff, we've got information
that proves rather conclusively
that Kitty...
that Kitty is a...
Okay, Louis.
I'll put it a different way.
You know who was
in her room at
4:00 this morning?
- Oh, that. Forget it.
- Forget it?
Listen, boys, I've got
great news for you.
Max Kane, the producer, is
coming to see the show tonight.
If he likes it,
it goes on Broadway.
And Miss Kitty Rand
becomes Mrs. Jeffrey Hunter,
so keep your fingers crossed.
Well, we did our best.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Jeff said that he won't
go for the girl
unless the show's a hit,
is that right?
Of course it's right.
It would be terrible
if he married the wrong girl.
That might nip
his whole career
right in the bud.
So?
So we've got to make sure
that the show is a flop.
Oh, sabotage.
That's the idea,
because if Kane
doesn't like the show,
nobody else will,
and Jeff won't go for Kitty.
He'll be awfully upset.
He'll get over it,
and write plenty more
hit plays.
The main thing
is to save him from
the clutches of that woman.
Good idea.
Even from you.
Yeah, but we're gonna
need some help.
Let's call some of the boys.
I'll go right to the phone.
For the kid's sake,
this show has gotta
be a bust.
It's all your fault.
How do you do?
Mr. Kane, it was
so nice of you to come.
We didn't know that
a big producer like you...
Young lady, if I didn't
respect your father's position
in the banking world,
and if a producer
doesn't know sometime
where his next mortgage
is coming from,
I'd no more come near
this show...
Oh, but it's
a great show, Mr. Kane.
- You're gonna like it.
- What'll you bet?
Now, did you give the boys
their assignments?
They're set. I don't think
I've forgotten a thing.
Hey, looky there.
We can use him.
Oh, usher, come here.
Usher.
- Usher?
- You ring for ice water?
Certainly we rang for...
Never mind that.
See that man down there?
Give him a good seat,
way down in front.
Thank you very much.
Oh, here's a little
tip for you.
A little tip?
Oh, doing a little
light reading?
I can get you a much
better seat than that,
better light.
Come this way.
*
No room out there.
This is the best
seat in the house.
Here, a little tip for you.
Full house.
Sell-out.
Here, sweetheart.
Gee, thanks, Chic.
That Bronx ballerina,
she ruined my performance.
Oh, I don't know why
anyone would wanna do that.
Hiya, Grandma.
Oh, my fan, my fan.
Could I be of assistance?
Yes, thank you.
Well, good night, all.
Very, very sorry to
interrupt at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,
but there's a very urgent call
for Mr. Robert T. McChesney.
Robert T. McChesney.
Go to your home immediately.
You have become
the father of twins.
Robert T. McChesney.
What am I running for?
My name's Miller.
- Kitty, what's happened?
What's going on?
- I don't know.
Come on, girls,
give this number everything.
Say, what's the idea of this?
Oh, my coat just had pups.
I wanted to talk to the...
Never mind.
Yeah.
* With a pom or peke
* Strolls along
the thoroughfare *
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
Mrs. Jones!
* Every girl
a beautiful charade *
* They pirouette
and pose a while *
* And invite a smile
* When they're putting on
the dog *
* They pass in review
* On each avenue
* Exotic, blasé
* Wherever they go
* They put on their show
* It all began with Eve
* Catching every eye
* Captivating every passerby *
* They've such
a charming unconcern *
Andrew, my fur's on the floor.
Here. This is what
you like.
Take 'em.
This thing is getting good.
Jeff hasn't overlooked a trick.
* Way down on the levee
in old Alabamy *
* There's Daddy and Mammy,
there's Ephraim and Sammy *
* On a moonlight night
you can find them all *
* While they are waitin',
the banjos are syncopatin' *
* What's that they're sayin'?
* Oh, what's that
they're sayin'? *
* While they keep playin',
I'm hummin' and swayin' *
* It's the good ship
Robert E. Lee *
* That's come to carry
the cotton away *
* Watch them shufflin' along *
* See them shufflin' along *
* Go down to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* I said to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee,
the levee, the levee *
* The levee, the levee, the
levee, the levee, the levee *
* Join that shufflin' throng
* Hear that music and song *
* It's simply great, mate
* Waitin' on the levee
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
* Watch them shufflin' along
* So take your best gal,
real pal *
* Go down to the levee,
I said to the levee *
* Join that shufflin' throng
* Hear that music and song
* It's simply great, mate
* Waitin' on the levee
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
* Way down on the levee
in old Alabamy *
* There's Daddy and Mammy,
there's Ephraim and Sammy *
* On a moonlight night
you can find them all *
* While they are waitin',
the banjos are syncopatin' *
* What's that they're sayin',
what's that they're sayin'? *
* While I keep a-prayin',
I'm hoppin' and swayin' *
* It's the good ship
Robert E. Lee *
* That's come to carry
the cotton away *
Boo!
Boo!
* Watch them shufflin' along *
There's a little thing
back there,
and it goes like that.
* Along
* Watch them shufflin' along *
* It's simply great, mate,
waitin' on the levee *
* Waitin' for
the Robert E. Lee *
You crabbed my act.
Wait a minute.
We did it for Jeff's sake
so he wouldn't marry Kitty.
Who cares? I'm gonna
blow you two to bits.
We saw Prince Pepi come out
of her room at 4:00 a.m.
Sure, he was in her room,
but he was in there with me.
- You?!
- Yes, me.
Now you guys stand back
and take your medicine.
We ruined our pal,
that's what we've done.
Jeff will murder us for this.
Where are those two baboons?
- We've gotta do
a disappearing act.
- Yeah, but how?
Disappearing act.
- I can help you out.
- I'm a magician.
You can make us disappear?
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Zip the zipper.
I saw it in pictures
one time, great trick.
I used to make guinea pigs
disappear by the thousands.
I often wonder
what became of 'em.
All you do is this.
Like this.
Something's the matter,
I'm stuck.
You got it all wrong.
I saw that picture.
You're supposed to
zip it down.
Like this.
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute.
I can't get outta this.
You look better that way.
Ole, I can't get it back either.
Easy, he says.
All you gotta do
is zip the zipper.
Well, you've got me
all mixed up.
Oh, you've been mixed up
since the day you were born.
Why, you sawed-off little runt.
Runt?!
Where are you?
Someday I have to figure a way
to get them out of this thing.
Have you seen
those two imbeciles?
Come out of there.
Come on down, where are you?
Don't let him in.
That's Pepi.
He's after us.
- What'll we do? Hide.
- Hurry.
Wait a minute,
what are you trying to
do, climb out the window?
- Why don't you
make up your mind?
- Hurry up.
This is no time for dancing.
Come over here.
Get behind me quick.
Look at them over there.
Half man and half nothing.
What's going on here?
Where?
Oh, double talk.
Who are you looking at,
you pasty-faced Pomeranian?
Did you call me
a pasty-faced Pomeranian?
I certainly did.
Listen, you...
Well, we have things
to attend to.
Let's go.
Ole, come here.
Hurry up, quick!
Let's get out of here
before Jeff catches us.
Just a minute.
Home, James.
Hurry and get into
your conga clothes.
We've got to do something
to save this show.
I know, I know.
Halt.
About face.
Go.
Characters.
You got us into this,
now get us out.
Hurry up. What do you
have to do to unzip us?
We can't go around
dressed like this
the rest of our lives.
I never did figure out
that part of the trick.
I never could make
that guinea pig visible.
What? You did that
to us?
Yes.
If his spirit leaves him,
we're done for.
- Mr. Jordan.
- Mr. Jordan.
Throw some water on my face.
My face here.
Not in my face, in his face.
Come on, do something.
Yeah, unzip us.
Well, I'll try.
No, no, no, no!
Now we're not here
at all anymore.
Well, well, well.
Say hello to my guinea pigs
if you see 'em.
Come on, Princey, we're on.
We're on, but the show is off.
Those two maniacs
spoiled everything.
Don't you call those
two crazy idiots maniacs.
Why, they put
this whole show over.
- What?
- I'll tell you
after the number.
Who did that?
Did you say we put it over?
Ole. Hey, Ole,
where are you?
Never mind,
we're here.
What happened?
Oh, plenty. Mr. Kane said
the show's a sockeroo, a wham.
In fact, he says it's good.
Oh, brother.
Where's Jeff?
Holy smokes, Jeff.
I almost forgot
about him.
Well, he's probably
packed up and back
in town by this time.
Come on, Ole,
we've gotta get him fast.
I don't get it.
Maybe I'm wrong.
*
* Till you've done
the conga beso *
* You don't know
what you've missed *
* It's the Cuban conga
with a Yankee twist *
* You won't even mind
if you need rehearsal *
* Try it and you'll find
why it's universal *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* It will make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a bit you can't miss,
one and two and three, kiss *
* When you're
on the dance floor *
* Why just dance?
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
Wait a minute!
Cut it out!
Chick, Ole.
Cut it out, will ya?
Quit shovin' me around.
Hey, what's going on here?
I don't know
what you did or
how you did it,
but it's terrific.
Get his checkbook, Ole.
Okay, you get his pen.
Like the show, huh?
Start writing,
Mr. Kane.
What can I lose?
*
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* It'll make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a beat you can't miss,
one and two and three, kiss *
* When you're on the dance
floor, why just dance? *
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* Dance the conga beso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Doesn't cost a peso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Oh, it will make you gay, so *
* Dance the conga beso
* Now it's a beat
you can't miss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
* When you're on
the dance floor *
* Dance the conga beso
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
Oh, bit me.
Oh, Bessie, my pet guinea pig.
You've been absent for months.
How did you get unzipped?
What?
Yeah? As simple as that?
Oh, a cape, a cape.
Oh, a cape, okay.
Everybody's having fun but us.
Yeah, you made us invisible.
Now make us reappear.
* Dance the conga beso
Mrs. Jones!
* Dance the conga beso
Mrs. Jones!
* It will make you gay, so,
dance the conga beso *
* It's a beat you can't miss
Ha ha ha, you missed me.
You need glasses.
Can you imagine that?
A talking bear.
* Take your Terpsichore
and mix it with romance *
* Rhumbas are passé, so,
maybe you should try this *
* Dance the conga beso,
one and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss *
* One and two and three, kiss
* One and two and three, kiss *
* Conga beso!
"Max Kane produces the show
off-Broadway,
where it's a big hit,
and Kitty and Jeff
live happily ever after."
Nice work, Selby.
I knew you could do it.
Talking bears, talking dogs,
people who disappear,
slapstick comedy.
What kind of a script is that?
Well, I didn't tell you,
but I saw Hellzapoppin'
in New York,
and I thought it was very funny.
Well, here's what I think of it.
Well, you can't
hurt me that way.
I always wear a bulletproof vest
around the studios.
* Hellzapoppin'
* Old Satan's on a tear
Hellzapoppin'! *
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* And there's a rumor now
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da ya, da ya, da ya
* Hellzapoppin'!
* They're screaming everywhere *
* Shades of inferno
and vaudeville *
* Anything can happen
and it probably will *
* Hellzapoppin'!
* Da, da, da-do, da, da-do *
* You'll be needing
your sense of humor now *
* How it will wind up
no one can tell *
* But hellzapoppin' like...