Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988) - full transcript

'Hell' is the name of the hero of the story. He's a prisoner of the women who now run the USA after a nuclear/biological war. Results of the war are that mutants have evolved, and the human race is in danger of extinction due to infertility. Hell is given the task of helping in the rescue of a group of fertile women from the harem of the mutant leader (resembling a frog). Hell cannot escape since he has a bomb attached to his private parts which will detonate if he strays more than a few hundred yards from his guard.

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[ Woman Narrating ]
IN THE LATTER DAYS
OF THE 20th CENTURY,

THERE AROSE
A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

THE LEADING EXPERTS AT THE TIME
BELIEVED A NUCLEAR WAR...

WOULD ONLY INVOLVE THE EXCHANGE
OF A FEW BOMBS,

AND THEN THE SUITABLY
HORRIFIED COMBATANTS WOULD
SIT DOWN AT THE PEACE TABLE.

THEY WERE WRONG.

IN JUST TEN DAYS,

10,000 YEARS OF HUMAN PROGRESS
WAS VIRTUALLY BLOWN TO DUST.

TEN YEARS LATER,
THEY TRIED AGAIN.

HEY, SQUID LIPS !

WHAT YOU GOT THERE,
EH ?



YOU NOT ONLY UGLY,
SQUID LIPS,

YOU ARE STUPID.

THIS IS GOOD FOR NOTHIN' !

[ Hammer Clicks ]

HEY.

YOU KNOW THE LAW.

GREENERS
CAN'T HAVE GUNS.

[ Croaks ]

[ Man ]
RAPE ?

YOU GOT THAT WRONG, FRIEND.

ANYBODY WHO SAYS
ANY DIFFERENT IS A LIAR.

LIAR ?

YOUR LIAR
WAS MY DAUGHTER.

I THINK I'LL START HERE.



- CAPTAIN DEVLIN !
- HOW THE HELL DID YOU
GET IN HERE ?

WITH THIS.
AND THIS.

AND WHAT THE HELL
DOES MEDTECH WANT HERE ?

HIM.

THIS PRISONER IS ACCUSED
OF SEXUAL ASSAULT.

YOUR DAUGHTER
HAS CHANGED HER STORY.

ONCE SHE FOUND OUT
SHE WAS PREGNANT, SHE MUST
HAVE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.

PREGNANT ?

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

[ Scoffs ]
THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT TOO,
UNTIL WE RAN SOME TESTS.

THIS MAN IS CARRYING
A LOADED WEAPON,

AND MEDTECH, ON A PROVISIONAL
GOVERNMENT AUTHORITY,
NOW CLAIMS IT.

NO, THIS MAN IS A SCAVENGER
AND A THIEF,

AND HE PREYS
ON YOUNG WOMEN.

WE KNOW HIS RECORD,
AND YOURS.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE BEING
REASSIGNED TO THE BORDER.

THERE'S A TRUCK
WAITING OUTSIDE.

[ Both Grunt ]

YOU'RE STILL HERE ?

UHH !

SOME PEOPLE THINK WOMEN
ARE RUNNIN' TOO MANY THINGS.

AND YOU--

IF YOU EVER GET OUT FROM UNDER
THE SKIRTS OF THE MEDTECHS,

I'LL BE THERE.

[ Woman on P.A. ]
DR. INGRAM TO HEMATOLOGY, STAT.

DR. INGRAM
TO HEMATOLOGY, STAT.

NURSE METHENY,
REPORT TO SPERM BANK.

YOUR SPECIMENS ARE READY.

CODE BLUE, MATERNITY.
CODE BLUE, MATERNITY.

REPEAT:
CODE BLUE, MATERNITY.

IS THIS ACCURATE ?

[ Woman On P.A. Continues ]
PAGING DR. HOWARD,
DR. FINE, DR. HOWARD.

MR. HELLMAN,
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE
SO POPULAR WITH THE LADIES.

YOU'VE LEFT
A STRING OF PREGNANCIES
EVERYWHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

IS THAT A FACT ?

YOU HAVE THE HIGHEST
SPERMATOZOAN COUNT
WE'VE EVER TESTED.

MUST'VE BEEN ALL THAT FIBER
I ATE WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M AUTHORIZED TO
OFFER YOU A CLEAN SLATE--
ALL CHARGES DROPPED.

MEDTECH'S MAIN ASSIGNMENT
IS TO LOCATE AND IMPREGNATE
FERTILE WOMEN IN THE WASTELANDS.

WE NEED POTENT YOUNG MEN
IN THE FIELDS TO ASSIST
IN THIS GREAT WORK.

MEN WHO CAN TAKE CARE
OF THEMSELVES,
WHO KNOW THE TERRITORY,

WHO CAN PERFORM
UNDER DIFFICULT CONDITIONS.

- DO YOU FEEL UP TO IT ?
- ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

MAYBE YOU'D RATHER
WE SENT YOU BACK TO DEVLIN.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A PATRIOT.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
ORDERLY TO CENTRAL SUPPLY.

SIGN THIS.

WAR REDUCED
OUR MALE POPULATION
BY 68 PERCENT.

IT MADE MOST OF
THE HUMAN RACE STERILE.

BUT WE'RE STILL AT WAR.

A POPULATION WAR.

EACH SIDE IS DESPERATE
TO REBUILD AND REARM.

NOW, THAT REQUIRES
MANPOWER.

MANPOWER REQUIRES PEOPLE,
AND THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

DAMN. IT'S STUCK.

IT'S AN ELECTRONIC LOCK.
ONLY WE HAVE THE CODE.

THE E.C.R. STAYS ON
AT ALL TIMES.

RIGHT.

HELP ME GET THIS OFF.

IT'S IN HERE.

YOU SIGNED.
IT STAYS ON.

WELL, HOW--
H-HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO--

YOU KNOW.
THERE'S A FLAP.

IT MONITORS
YOUR PHYSIOSEXUAL CONDITION.
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

AFTER ALL,

IT'S GOVERNMENT
EQUIPMENT NOW.

THIS IS A PRERECORDED
BRIEFING...

MADE PRIOR TO YOUR SELECTION
FOR THIS MISSION,

AND WHICH,
FOR SECURITY REASONS
OF THE HIGHEST IMPORTANCE,

HAS BEEN KNOWN ONLY TO
THE PRIME COUNCIL OF
THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT.

EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO
A TRIBE OF MUTANT GREENERS...

AMBUSHED
THE 7th MOBILE BRIGADE
OF THE BORDER PATROL.

TWO HUNDRED AND TEN
WOMEN AND MEN
WERE BRUTALLY MASSACRED.

WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE
THAT SEVERAL CIVILIANS
TRAVELING WITH THE BRIGADE...

HAVE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE.

THE REBEL GREENERS
POSSESSED FIREARMS...

IN STRICT CONTRAVENTION
TO THE MUTANT ISOLATION ACT.

EXCEPT FOR A LEAD THAT
THE FIREARMS WERE OBTAINED
SOMEWHERE NEAR FROGTOWN,

HOW AND FROM WHOM
THE WEAPONS WERE OBTAINED...

IS STILL A TOTAL MYSTERY.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
RESUPPLY FLIGHT NOW APPROACHING.
OW.

OVER HERE.

THIS IS CENTINELLA.

WATCH HIM FOR ME,
CORPORAL.

[ Woman On P.A. ]
WILL THE DRIVER OF THE A.T.C.
CLEAR THE RUNWAY IMMEDIATELY.

I'M NOT GOING IN THAT.

YOU DON'T RIDE,
WE'LL DRAG YOU ON A CHAIN.

GET IN, STUD.

YOUR EQUIPMENT.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.
THERE AREN'T MANY
LIKE HIM LEFT.

I'LL DO MY DUTY.

I KNOW YOU WILL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SOLDIER ?

YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY.

SUIT YOURSELF.

BUT WHATEVER YOU ARE,
WE'RE DAMN LUCKY
TO HAVE YOU.

MEDTECH NEEDS
EVERY HAND IT CAN GET.

WE'RE STILL AT WAR,
YOU KNOW.

YEAH ?

WHICH WAY TO THE FRONT ?

DON'T YOU TAKE ANYTHING
SERIOUSLY ?

I USED TO TAKE EVERYTHING
SERIOUSLY.

THEN THEY BLEW IT UP.

[ Snoring ]

AWW.

I CAN END IT ALL HERE,
RIGHT NOW.

THROW YOUR BODIES
ACROSS THE LINE,

SEE THAT THE GREENERS
GOT YA.

OR NOT.

- THEY'LL GUN YOU DOWN.
- [ Gun Cocks ]

LET'S SEE WHO DROPS FIRST,
ME OR YOU.

HEY, WHOA, WHOA,
LET'S JUST ALL--

SHUT UP.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER,
WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

LET THEM PASS.

HEY, LADY, YOU JUST ABOUT
GOT MY ASS SHOT OFF BACK THERE.

NOW WE'RE GOING INTO
HOSTILE MUTANT TERRITORY
AT FULL THROTTLE.

DAMN, I HOPE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'. I HATE
TO THINK YOU'RE JUST LOST.

WE'RE GOING TO FROGTOWN.

THEIR LEADER, COMMANDER TOTY,
HAS KIDNAPPED SOME PILGRIMS WHO
WANDERED INTO THEIR TERRITORY.

AND WHAT'S THAT
TO MEDTECH ?

THEY ARE
FERTILE WOMEN.

WHY WOULD MUTANTS
WANT TO KIDNAP
HUMAN FEMALES ?

RANSOM. TOTY KNOWS
HOW VALUABLE FERTILES ARE
TO MEDTECH.

OR MAYBE HE WANTS THEM
FOR HIS HAREM.

AW, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

YEAH, AND WE'RE GONNA
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WE'RE GONNA GET 'EM OUT,
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA
GET 'EM PREGNANT.

[ Whispers ]
PRE--

ARE YOU SURE YOU REALLY
WANNA GET YOURSELF
ON THE RESERVATION ?

DON'T RUST YOUR DIAPER,
STUD.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT
OF THIS JOYRIDE.

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
MIND IF I TAKE
A LITTLE STROLL ?

- WHY ?
- I GOTTA WATER THE ROSES.

NO ARMED ESCORT ?

YOU'RE NOT GOING FAR.

NO, JUST RIGHT THERE
BEHIND THAT BUSH.
BE RIGHT BACK.

SEE YA LATER, SISTERS.

MUCH LATER.
YAH-HAH !

[ Beeping ]

[ Alarm Sounding ]

[ Groaning, Grunting ]
[ Alarm Continues Sounding ]

IF ANYONE BUT ME
TRIES TO UNLOCK THE E.C.R.,

A ONE-OUNCE CHARGE
OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE
WILL DETONATE.

- [ Beep ]
- [ Gasps, Exhaling ]

BEYOND A CERTAIN POINT,

THE PROXIMITY SENSOR
IN MY EARRING...

ACTIVATES THE E.C.R.
ELECTRONIC STINGER.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT CAN BE QUITE PAINFUL,
BUT NOT TERRIBLY DAMAGING.

AND IF YOU GET LOST,
MY DIRECTIONAL FINDER
WILL LEAD ME RIGHT TO YOU.

FOR THE REST OF THIS MISSION,
YOU AND I ARE LIKE ONE UNIT.

REMEMBER THAT, SOLDIER.

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Sighs ]

HEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC
IN THIS LIGHT.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

I JUST THOUGHT
A MAN OF YOUR REPUTATION
MIGHT STILL BE HUNGRY.

I'M FULL.

ARE YOU SURE ?

WELL, MAYBE NOT.

[ Alarm Sounds ]
WAAAH !

I'M SORRY ! I'M SORRY !
I WAS JUST--

DID SOMEONE TEACH YOU,
OR ARE YOU JUST A TEASE
BY NATURE ?

I WAS JUST
FOLLOWING ORDERS.
ORDERS ?

REGULATION 12:
KEEP THE SUBJECT
IN AN EXCITED STATE.

IT PROMOTES POTENCY.
OH, POTENCY ?

I WAS JUST DOING
MY JOB.

GOOD. WHEN WE GET BACK,
I'LL HAVE THEM
GIVE YOU A RAISE.

OHH !
[ Groans ]

[ Centinella Giggles ]

[ Whispers ]
GOD.

[ Sighs ]

I HATE THE ARMY.

SHH !

WE CAN'T MAKE ANY NOISE.

THIS IS AGAINST REGULATIONS.

HUH ?
I'M NOT FERTILE.

THEY DON'T WANT YOU
WASTING YOURSELF.

WELL, THEN WHY--

I HEARD STORIES ABOUT YOU.

I WANTED TO SEE
IF THEY WERE TRUE.

OH, PE-- PEOPLE
TALK TOO MUCH.

[ Moans ]
CAN'T BLAME 'EM.

WITH MALE RATIONING
THE LAST FEW YEARS,
WOMEN GET LONELY.

HOW DO I--

THERE'S A FLAP.

[ Flap Springs Open ]
[ Moaning ]

CENTINELLA, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN LIVE UP
TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

I'D SAY YOU WERE
ALREADY UP TO 'EM.

HOLY SHIT !

[ Grunts ]

YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM,
CORPORAL.

YOU KNOW, YOU TWO LADIES
MUST HAVE MOONS FOR BALLS.

NOBODY GOES ON THE RESERVATION,
NOT EVEN THE BORDER PATROL.

HOW THE HELL ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO GET 'EM OUT ?
WITH A PLAN.

THAT'S NO PLAN, THAT'S A PLOT--
TO MURDER ME.

I'M HAVIN'
NO PART OF IT.

YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT.

YEAH, TO FUCK FOR FREEDOM.
BUT I AIN'T MEETIN' MY MAKER
IN FROGTOWN.

THAT'S NOT IN MY CONTRACT.

PAGE 12, SUBPARAGRAPH 8.

IF WE CAN'T GET THE GIRLS OUT,
YOUR FIELD POTENCY
WILL THEN BE UTILIZED.

OKAY, OKAY.
BUT WHAT IF I GET THEM PREGNANT
AND WE'RE STILL IN FROGTOWN ?

WHAT HAPPENS TO ME ?

FULFILL ALL THE TERMS
OF YOUR CONTRACT, AND YOU
WON'T EVER HAVE TO FIND OUT.

- OH, YEAH ?
- YEAH.

- YEAH ?
- YEAH !

HYAH !
WHAT ?

LET'S RENEGOTIATE, HUH ?

[ Door Slams ]
[ Hellman ]
YEAH ?

[ Beeping ]

AWW ! WHOA-OHH !

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping Stops ]

[ Panting Heavily ]

[ Beeping ]
WHAT ?

NOT YOU.
THE MOTION TRACKER.

[ Beeping Continues ]
WE GOT A LIVE ONE.

- LET'S CHECK IT OUT. GET IN.
- GET IN ?

[ Beeping Continues ]
VEER LEFT.

MORE LEFT !

GO RIGHT.

[ Gasping ]

IT'S MOVING.
IT'S STILL MOVING.

MORE LEFT, MORE LEFT.

RIGHT !

[ Panting ]

- [ Beeping Continues ]
- [ Hellman ]
THERE IT IS !

ACCORDING TO THE TESTS
I JUST RAN ON HER,
SHE'S FERTILE.

QUITE A FIND OUT HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM ?

IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

YOU'RE SCARIN' HER.

OKAY, PRINCE CHARMING,
YOU TRY.

OKAY.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

SOUP.
COME HERE.

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

THAT'S A GIRL.

THERE YOU GO.
GOOD FOR YOU.

[ Grunting ]
SHE DON'T LIKE
YOUR COOKING EITHER.

[ Moaning ]

EASY, SPANGLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ?

OHH !

SHH.

[ Whimpering ]

SHE'S NO GOOD TO US TRAUMATIZED.
GO GET READY FOR WORK.

[ Steady Beeping ]

YOU CAN START NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT ?

THE GIRL.

I'VE INJECTED HER
WITH OVEDOL TO
FACILITATE PROCREATION.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
REMEMBER ?

JUST LIKE THAT ?

YEAH. SHE'S OVULATING,
AND YOU'VE GOT A HIGH COUNT.
LET'S GO.

I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

COME ON, HELLMAN.
IT'S LATE, AND I'M TIRED.

SHE'S NEVER EVER
BRUSHED HER TEETH.

[ Sighs ]
WHAT IS THE MATTER ?

WELL, SHE'S NOT MY TYPE.

YOUR TYPE ?
YEAH.

- YOU HAVE PREFERENCES ?
- WELL, YEAH.

IF I KINDA KNOW HER
AND THERE'S A LITTLE
CHEMISTRY THERE--

AND A LITTLE ATMOSPHERE
WOULD BE NICE.

NEXT YOU'RE GONNA BE
TELLING ME YOU HAVE TO
BE IN LOVE FIRST.

MAYBE YOU OUGHTA TRY MAKING LOVE
TO A COMPLETE STRANGER...

IN THE MIDDLE OF
A HOSTILE MUTANT TERRITORY
AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT !

YOU NEED INSPIRATION.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Zipper Unzips ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ?

RELAX.

I'VE BEEN TRAINED
IN SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES.

RIGHT.

[ Moans ]

I'M NOT A MACHINE
YOU CAN JUST TURN ON AND OFF
WHENEVER YOU WANT TO, YOU KNOW.

AW, COME ON.

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales ]

I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO
LIVE UP TO MY CONTRACT.

SPANGLE,
PUT YOUR BLOUSE ON.

COME ON,
PUT YOUR BLOUSE ON.

TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF.

[ Moans, Giggles ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

[ Croaks ]

YOU CLEAN HER UP ?

NOT ME.

I'M GRABBIN'
SOME DOWN TIME.

OKAY.

FROGTOWN
IS BACK THAT WAY.
HOW FAR ?

I RAN ALL DAY
AND ALL NIGHT.

WHERE ARE THE OTHER GIRLS ?
THEY'RE IN
COMMANDER TOTY'S PALACE.

WHY DIDN'T THEY
ESCAPE WITH YOU ?

THEY'RE FROM
AN ORDER OF PASSIVES.
RESISTANCE IS NOT THEIR WAY.

THEY BELIEVE
ONLY THE TRULY MEEK
WILL INHERIT THE EARTH.

RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, GO SOUTH
FOR A FEW DAYS.

THE BORDER PATROL WILL
PICK UP YOUR SIGNAL AND EVAC YOU
TO A MEDTECH HOSPITAL.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T WORRY.
MOTHERS ARE NATIONAL HEROES.

YOU'LL BE TREATED
LIKE A QUEEN.

THANK YOU.

[ Door Opens,
Slams ]

HOLD THESE.

PUT THOSE ON ME.

NOW I'M YOUR PRISONER.

OH, I THINK
I'M GONNA LIKE THAT.
[ Chuckling ]

AW, WHAT'S WRONG,
BABY ?

DON'T LIKE BEING TREATED
LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING ?

NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

- GOOD COVER ?
- THE BEST.

WATCH FOR MY SIGNAL.

TIE THIS AROUND MY WAIST.

DON'T TRY TO TAKE
MY EARRINGS.

IF THEY LOSE CONTACT
WITH MY BODY,
YOUR EQUIPMENT BLOWS.

IF YOU GET TOO FAR AWAY,

YOUR EQUIPMENT BLOWS.

IF YOU DON'T DO
EXACTLY WHAT I SAY,
YOUR EQUIPMENT BLOWS.

UNDERSTOOD ?
DID ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU YOU
HAVE A WONDERFUL PERSONALITY ?

MOVE OUT.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

[ Chokes ]

?? [ Humming ]
WOULD YOU STOP
WITH THE CHAIN ?

?? [ Continues
Humming ]

WE HAVE TO TRUST
EACH OTHER NOW.

OUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT.

WHAT ?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

SHALL WE ?

MIGHT AS WELL,
AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE.

?? [ Rock ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Patrons Murmuring ]

?? [ Continues ]

RIGHT HERE.

PUT IT ON MY TAB.
ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.
[ Chuckles ]

THERE GOES
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

HEY, I WANT SOMETHIN'
TO DRINK HERE.

BRING SOME MORE
OVER HERE, WILL YA ?
GONNA WORK ON MY TAN.

BARTENDER,
GIVE ME A DRINK.

[ Whispers ]
WHAT ABOUT ME ?

YOU'RE MY PRISONER.

REMEMBER ?

THAT GOOD ?

TASTES LIKE
INDUSTRIAL WASTE.

[ Man ]
YOU NEVER COULD
HOLD YOUR LIQUOR.

LOONEY !
YOU'RE ALIVE !

[ Laughing ]

THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE PANCAKED
IN A MINE SHAFT IN EAGLETOWN
AFTER THE WAR.

OH, YOU KNOW
I GOT NINE LIVES.

HOWDY.
I'M LONNIE O'TOOLE.

DISCOVERER OF
THE WAPACHUGA MOTHER LODE.

THEY CALL ME LOONEY TUNES
BECAUSE I'M SO CRAZY.

I'M SANER
THAN ANYBODY YOU KNOW.

WELL, I SEE YOUR TASTE
HAS IMPROVED.

[ Hellman ]
WELL, YOU KNOW.

WHAT'S A WORTHLESS PUP
LIKE YOU
DOING IN FROGTOWN ?

DOING A LITTLE TRADIN'.
WHAT ABOUT YOU ?

OH, I GO
WHERE THE URANIUM IS.

FOUND A BIG POCKET HERE,
RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES.

LOONEY, IF THERE WAS ANY
URANIUM HERE, THEY WOULD'VE
MINED IT OUT BEFORE THE WAR.

LISTEN, PINHEAD,
I'M BEING FOURSQUARE WITH YOU.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
TAKE A WALK OVER TO TUNNEL 43...

AND WATCH THEM GREENERS
DIGGIN' IT OUT NOW !

FINE, FINE.
WHAT THE HELL THEM MUTANTS
GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT URANIUM ?

SELL IT, I GUESS,
FOR WHATEVER THEY CAN GET.

I GET 20 PERCENT.
[ Hellman Laughs ]

LISTEN, UH,
YOU WANNA BARTER, HUH ?

YEAH.
WELL, YOU CAME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

BUT YOU GOTTA TALK
TO LEROY FIRST.
HE RUNS THE JOINT.

TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO--
I'LL FIX IT UP FOR YOU.
BE RIGHT BACK.

THAT OLD MAN
MUST'VE BEEN 80 YEARS OLD
WHEN I WAS BORN.

I WAS DOWN
FOR THE COUNT.

HE WAS THE ONLY MAN
THAT TOOK THE TIME
TO BOTHER WITH ME.

COME ON.

[ Gasps ]

LOOK OUT, FLAT LIPS.
YEAH, WATCH WHERE
YOU'RE GOIN', WILL YA !

OOH !

[ Sighs ]
I LOVE YOU.

YOU WANNA TALK
ABOUT IT ?

SHE'S OUR CONTACT.
A HANDMAIDEN TO THE HAREM
AT TOTY'S PALACE.

"I LOVE YOU" IS THE CODE PHRASE
MEANING EVERYTHING
IS GOING TO PLAN.

OH.
SO FAR.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
SO FAR ?

YOU DON'T KEEP A MAN
LIKE LEROY WAITING.
COME ON.

MMM !

WHAT IS THIS ?

GLUSH.

BOILED BABY TORTOISE
AND BROWN LIZARDS.

THEY GRIND 'EM UP TOGETHER
TO MAKE A PASTE OUT OF 'EM.

SORRY I ASKED.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughing ]

A NOBLE GESTURE,
MR. HELLMAN.

YOU SEE IT SO RARELY
THESE DAYS.

MAY I SUGGEST A CHASER ?

PLEASE.

BEER ! REAL BEER !

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS ?

SHH.

SOME MINERS FOUND A CASE
IN AN ABANDONED MINE.

IT'S ONLY SLIGHTLY...

RADIOACTIVE.

[ Burp ]
[ Laughs ]

NOW THEN,

I CONGRATULATE YOU
ON YOUR FINE TASTE.

WE'VE NOT SEEN THE LIKE
SINCE BULL BROUGHT IN
THOSE WENCHES.

[ Stomps Heel ]

WENCHES.

WENCHES ?
LIKE HER ?

YES, THEY WERE MOST...

DELICATE.

COMMANDER TOTY
WAS SO IMPRESSED,

HE PROMOTED BULL
TO HIS FIRST LIEUTENANT.

BULL ?
[ Looney ]
YEAH.

THAT'S COMMANDER TOTY'S
BUTT-LICK.

OH, HE HATES ME.
[ Chuckles ]

WELL, HE HATES
ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

THERE IS
A LOT OF BAD FEELING
TOWARD HUMANITY HERE.

IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH THAT
WE UNFORTUNATE CREATURES...

WERE CREATED AS A BYPRODUCT
OF HUMAN WARFARE,

BUT THEN YOUR KIND HERDED US
ONTO THESE RESERVATIONS
AS IF WE WERE CATTLE.

HEY, I HAD NO PART
IN THAT.

I HATE THE GOVERNMENT.

ALL GOVERNMENTS.

SO, I AM PREPARED
TO OFFER 30 LILIES...

FOR THIS FINE
SPECIMEN.

NO OFFENSE, MR. LEROY.

I'M LOOKING AT
A LOT OF EXPENSE HERE.

WELL, I UNDERSTAND,

BUT YOU CAN SEE
HOW BAD BUSINESS IS.

WOULD 50 BE MORE
TO YOUR LIKING ?

IT STRUCK A SPARK.

NOW LET'S SEE IF WE
CAN LIGHT A FIRE, HUH ?

TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
AT THE LADY.

MMM.
GOOD BONES.

FIRM FIGURE.

EXCELLENT TEETH.

SHE COULD
SUPPLY YOU WITH...

ENDLESS NIGHTS
OF PLEASURE.

YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME,
SIR.

I DO NOT SEEK
A SEX SLAVE.

I WANT SOMETHING TO BOLSTER
SAGGING ATTENDANCE.

SOMETHING WITH REAL...
SHOWMANSHIP.

CAN SHE DANCE ?

CAN SHE DANCE ?
[ Kicks Leg ]

OF COURSE SHE CAN DANCE.

SHE'S ESPECIALLY GOOD
AT EROTIC DANCING.

[ Stomps Heel ]
[ Laughing ]

EXCELLENT !
[ Continues Laughing ]

EXCELLENT !

I HAVE AN IDEA.

HEY, HEY, W-WAIT A MINUTE.

- [ Gasps ]
- UH-OH.

IT'S BULL.

WHO BROUGHT THIS HERE ?

I DID.
WHAT'S IT TO YOU ?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM,
STRANGER ?

NOWHERE NICE.

- GOT A NAME ?
- HELL. SAM HELL.

NEVER HEARD OF YOU.
SHE YOURS ?

BARTERED TO LEROY.

PRIVATE BARTER ?

WELL, YES, BULL--

SHUT YOUR HOLE !

NO PRIVATE BARTERS
ALLOWED IN FROGTOWN !

TOTY'S LAW !
LEROY KNOWS THAT !

LOOKS LIKE YOUR DEAL
JUST GOT CANCELLED.

HOW ABOUT IT, BOYS ?

AUCTION ?
YEAH !
YEAH !

[ Shouting Continues ]

I START THE BIDDING
AT FIVE LILIES.

[ Patrons Murmuring ]

WELL ?

THE BID STANDS
AT FIVE !

HIGH BID FIVE.

IT AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Man ]
NOT AGAIN !

I SAID IT WAS
HIGH BID FIVE, FLAT LIPS !

[ Cackling ]

LEROY,
YOU'RE SHUT DOWN...

TILL TOTY SAYS OTHERWISE !

EVERYBODY,
BACK TO WORK !

[ Patrons Grumbling ]
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A RESTAURANT.

[ Spangle ]
SAM !

I LOVE YOU.

WHOA !

OH. THE CODE.
RIGHT.

WHERE IS EVERYONE ?

BACK AT THE MINES.

BULL HAS CLOSED
THE SALOON...

AGAIN.

[ Groans ]

YOU'RE VERY FORTUNATE.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT ?

YOU'RE ALIVE,
AREN'T YOU ?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON ?

I'M ARABELLA.

I'M SWORN
TO FIGHT COMMANDER TOTY
TO THE DEATH.

THEY'VE TAKEN YOUR PARTNER
TO THE PALACE.

TO THE HAREM ?
MMM.

WELL, THEN WE'RE
RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

YOU SLIP ME IN,
I BUST THEM OUT,
SIGNAL CENTINELLA,

AND WE'RE OUTTA HERE,
RIGHT ?

IN THEORY.
OH, YOU'RE MAKIN' ME
NERVOUS.

[ Guttural Muttering ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Resumes Muttering ]

[ Grunts ]

BY THE WAY,

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO THANK YOU
FOR HELPING US.

I DO.

WAIT A SECOND, LADY.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

BUT I KNOW YOU.
EVEN HERE, YOUR NAME IS LEGEND.

OH, YEAH.
SAM HELL.

HELL-BENT WANDERER
OF THE WASTELAND.

THE FEARLESS WAR HERO.

IS THAT SO BAD ?

IT'S REAL TIRING.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DO ?

YOU CAN REST RIGHT HERE.

I'LL BE DIFFERENT.

AROUND HERE,
MEN THROW THEMSELVES AT ME.
I CAN HAVE MY PICK.

YUCK !
THEY'RE ALL IDIOTS.

BUT YOU ARE A REAL MAN.

[ Whimpers ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' ?

JUST PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T BE GENTLE.

- AAAH !
- OHH !

THATI CAN PROMISE !

OH, SAM !

I KNEW IT WOULD BE GREAT !

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
JUST ONE MINUTE.

DO ME A FAVOR.

ANYTHING, SAM.
[ Groaning ]

PUT THIS ON.

[ Roars ]
SO YOU'RE JUST
A SLAVE, HUH ?

[ Yells ]

TAKE HER TO TOTY !

[ Muttering ]

COME ON, YOU WENCH.
[ Chuckling ]

COME WITH ME.

I WANT YOU
TO IDENTIFY SOMEONE.

[ Cackling ]

IS THIS
HOW YOU LIKE IT, SAM ?

IT'S PERFECT.
[ Chuckling ]

JUST A LITTLE KINK
OF MINE.

[ Moaning ]

- [ Beeping ]
- WHAT IS THAT ?

IT'S THE E.C.R.
IF SPANGLE GETS OUT OF RANGE,
IT'S GONNA EXPLODE.

[ Gasps ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

I KNOW A SHORTCUT
TO TUNNEL 43--

AAAH !
[ Crash ]

[ Groaning ]

GO ON WITHOUT ME.
WHERE ?

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping Stops ]

AHH.

[ Spangle Grunting ]

COUNT SODOM !

[ Accentuated Breathing ]

THE BARGAIN
IS SEALED.

WHAT'S THIS ?

OH, JUST SOMEONE WE'RE
HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
[ Cackling ]

SORRY I CAN'T JOIN YOU.

THE FIRST SHIPMENT.

THERE SHALL BE ANOTHER
WITHIN ONE WEEK.

WHOA !

- [ Crash ]
- SAM !

IS HE OUT ?
YEAH, HE'S OUT LIKE A LIGHT.
[ Laughs ]

- SAM !
- SEIZE HIM !

TAKE HER AWAY !
PREPARE HER !

SAM ! SAM !

[ Gasps ]

[ Floor Creaks ]

E-E-EASY, BABY GIRL.
I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

WHAT CAN WE DO
TO HELP THEM ?

NOW ?

NOT A THING.

I'M SPANGLE...

FROM MEDTECH.

I'VE COME TO RESCUE YOU.

HOW ?

WITH A PLAN.

I SEE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

AS OUR CAPTORS
COMMANDED.

AWAKENING YOUR BODY.

WHERE'S SPANGLE ?

IN THE HAREM,

BEING PREPARED FOR A NIGHT
SHE'LL NEVER FORGET !

I'LL SEE IF I CAN DO
THE SAME FOR YOU !

[ Muttering ]

HEY, YOU DON'T NEED THAT.

I'M READY TO TALK.

THE COMMANDER IS VERY CURIOUS
ABOUT MEDTECH INVENTIONS,

SO I'M GOING TO DO
A LITTLE EXPLORATORY SURGERY.

[ Chain Saw Revving ]

I FEEL SO--

ALIVE ? YES.

WITHOUT GREAT PASSION,
YOU CANNOT FACE THE DANCE
OF THE THREE SNAKES.

TWO OF OUR COMPANIONS
WENT TO THEIR FATE
COLD WITH FEAR...

AND DID NOT SURVIVE.

[ Sighs ]

SOMETHING SEEMS TO HAVE
STIRRED YOUR SENSES.

OR SOMEONE.

DON'T DO IT !

IT'S WIRED TO BLOW !

MEDTECH
WOULDN'T BE STUPID ENOUGH
TO WIRE A POTENT MALE !

[ Cackling ]

HUH ?

[ Grumbling ]

NOW WHAT ?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

TO GET MORE GAS !

THIS IS NICE.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME...

FOR THIS.

- [ Beeps ]
- [ Alarm Sounding ]

[ Grunts ]
CUT IT OFF !

CUT IT OFF !

IT'S KILLING ME !

[ Alarm Continues
Sounding ]

[ Moaning ]

- [ Beeps ]
- [ Alarm Continues Sounding ]

I GOTTA TELL YOU,
YOU ARE ONE WEIRD DUDE.

STAY HERE,
OLD MAN.

WAIT A MINUTE.
HE'S MY FRIEND,
NOT YOURS. I'LL GO.

YOU'RE TOO SLOW
FOR THE ACTION.
TOO--

HELL, YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUMAN.
WHY SHOULD YOU
RISK YOUR NECK ?

TO OVERTHROW TOTY.

BESIDES,
SAM'S MY FRIEND TOO.

WELL, IF YOU FREE SAM,
SOMEBODY ELSE IS GONNA HAVE
TO FIRE THE SIGNAL FLARE.

NOW, I'VE BEEN FIRIN' FLARES
SINCE BEFORE THEY DISBANDED
THE DODGERS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.

GOOD LUCK.

CUSSED SENTIMENTAL REPTILE.

[ Chain Saw Revving,
Sawing On Metal ]

"WIRED TO BLOW."

[ Cackling ]

IT'S A FAKE !
SHE TRICKED ME !

[ Continues Cackling ]

REMEMBER THIS PASSION.

KEEP THE FIRES HIGH, AND
YOU MAY SURVIVE THE DANCE
OF THE THREE SNAKES.

WHAT ARE THESE
THREE SNAKES ?

[ Women Gasp ]
YOU !
COME ON !

LISTEN, LET'S ALL GO.
JUST WALK RIGHT OUT OF HERE.

WE BEND WITH THE WIND
OR BREAK.

SOMETIMES
YOU MAKE YOUR OWN WIND.

- I CAN GET YOU OUT.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ All Screaming ]

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME !
STOP IT !

THEN AGAIN--

ARE YOU OKAY ?

YEAH.

ALL THERE.

I OWE YOU ONE.

OH, NOT NOW.

[ Growls ]

[ Moaning ]

YOU BLOATED BASTARD !

[ Groaning ]

BASTARD !

[ Yawning ]

DANCE FOR ME !
?? [ Egyptian ]

THE ONLY DANCE I'M GONNA DO
IS THE DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE.

DANCE... OR DIE !

UH, MODERN OR BALLET ?

THE DANCE...

OF THE THREE SNAKES.

THE DANCE OF
THE THREE SNAKES.

OKAY.

[ Woman's Voice ]
REMEMBER THIS PASSION...

AND YOU MAY SURVIVE
THE DANCE OF THE THREE SNAKES.

WOW.

[ Soft Growl ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Sighing ]

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

[ Chuckles ]
WELL, LET ME EXPLAIN.

[ Screaming ]

ALL RIGHT.

[ Moaning ]

YOU HAVE AROUSED
THE THREE SNAKES !

?? [ Stops ]

COME TO ME.

I AIN'T GOING NEAR
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

NO !

WAIT. UH, I JUST THOUGHT
OF SOME NEW STEPS.

MM-HMM.
[ Kicking ]

[ Groaning ]

EAT LEAD, FROGGIES !

[ Growls ]

YOU OKAY ?

YEAH. HELP ME UP.

LET'S BOOGIE.

THEY'VE ARRIVED.

THAT'S FOR YOU.
[ Chuckling ]

SOMEONE'S DEALING GUNS
TO THE GREENERS.

SOMEBODY
NAMED COUNT SODOM.

IT WAS YOUR WIFE'S,
WASN'T IT ?

IT'S MY DAUGHTER'S.
IT'S ALL I COULD FIND.

THE WAR WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.

NOT FOR ME.

SHALL WE ?
MIGHT AS WELL
WHILE WE'RE HERE.

[ Mock Crying ]

THE THREE... SNAKES.

YOU SURE YOU NEED ME ?

THEY WILL.

[ Women Gasp ]
IT'S A MIRACLE.

RIGHT. LET'S GO.
[ Snaps Fingers ]

HERE.
COME ON OVER.
WHAT IS IT NOW ?

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

YOU BOYS ARE GONNA
EAT DIRT OR LEAD ?

WISE CHOICE.
[ Horn Honking ]

CENTINELLA.
THIS WAY.

THE FUN'S OVER.

- [ Women Gasp ]
- [ Cocking Rifles ]

NOT YET, WARTY.

GO ON. I'LL COVER.

COME ON !

GO !

COME ON, COME ON !
LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
FAST, FAST, FAST.

COME ON, PEOPLE.
I'M DOUBLE-PARKED HERE.

[ Moans ]
OH, EASY, SON.
EASY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS IN SUCH
A... GOLDURNED HURRY.

LET'S GO ! LET'S GO !
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE !

YOU'RE LETTING THEM
GET AWAY.

I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT...

NOW !

[ Toty ]
FORWARD !

YOU ARE REALLY SOMETHING.

I TOLD YOU
MY PLAN WOULD WORK.

YEAH, YOU DID.

[ Groans ]

DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD, SON.

I'VE LIVED MY NINE LIVES.

OH, I--

I SURE HOPE THAT HEAVEN'S
THIS GOOD.

SOMETHING'S COMING UP FAST
BEHIND US.

AND IT'S BAD.

[ Cannon Blast ]
[ Screams ]

TURN THE WHEEL !

HIT IT !

FIRE !

I'M OKAY !
I'M ALL RIGHT.

I CAN LOSE THEM IN THE ROCKS.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

[ Electronically Altered Voice ]
GOING MY WAY ?

EVERYBODY OUT.

NOW !

[ Growls ]
FIND THEM !

I TOLD YOU IT WAS
NOT FINISHED, SAM HELLMAN.

YOU.

YOU SEE, THIS USED
TO BE A MAN'S WORLD, SAM.

BUT NOW THERE ARE
TOO MANY WOMEN THAT HAVE US
BY THE SHORT HAIRS.

BUT I'M GOING
TO CHANGE THAT.

I DEAL ARMS TO THE GREENERS
FOR THEIR URANIUM,

AND THEN I GIVE IT
TO RENEGADE SCIENTISTS
FOR PROCESSING.

GET AWAY.

GET AWAY FROM HIM.

SOON I SHALL HAVE
THE ONLY NUCLEAR WEAPON
SINCE THE WAR.

AND THEN I'LL WIPE
THE SLATE CLEAN.

CROSSE, THE SWORD.
AND I'LL GET RID
OF THE WEAK ONES...

AND THE CRIMINALS.
HAND IT TO ME.

I'M A PASSIVE.

AND THEN RID THIS WORLD
OF THOSE MEDDLING
MEDTECH BITCHES.

[ Singsongy ]
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

STARTING WITH HER.

LONG-WINDED SON OF A BITCH.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

DAMN !

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING ?

TO FINISH IT.
STAY WITH THE GIRLS.

SAM.

SAM !

WE'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

[ Cannon Blast ]

[ Shell Approaching ]

SPANGLE.

WE GOT 'EM !
[ Laughing ]

DROP YOUR WEAPONS !

DROP 'EM !

IF YOU WANNA LIVE,

RUN !

NOT YOU, TOTY.

WE'RE GOING DOWN TOGETHER.

NO !

[ Laughing ]

[ Screams ]

[ Growls ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Spangle ]
SAM !

SAM !

SAM.

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

WHERE WERE YOU ?
WHEN WE SAW THAT THING,
WE TOOK COVER.

I TOLD YOU THE PLAN
WOULD WORK.
PLAN ?

IT WAS A PLOT
TO MURDER ME.
I OUGHT TO KICK YOUR BUTT.

OH, JUST TRY IT, BUSTER.

STOP.
WHY ?

YOU GOTTA SAVE YOURSELF
FOR FERTILES.
I HAVE ENOUGH.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
[ Earring Beeping ]

I AIN'T ON YOUR LEASH
NO MORE.

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
RUN OFF ?

I KNEW YOU'D MISS ME.

HEY, HOW'S
YOUR SHOULDER ?
I'VE HAD WORSE.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS FOR ?

SOMETHING TO HANG ONTO...
WHEN YOU'RE ALONE.

MEDTECH OWES YOU A LOT.

MAYBE AFTER YOU COMPLETE
YOUR DUTIES, I CAN GET US
A COUPLE OF WEEKS LEAVE.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHEN I FINISH MY DUTIES ?

[ Whimpers ]

I GUESS WHAT
THEY SAY IS TRUE.
WHAT'S THAT ?

A SOLDIER'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.

HMPH.