Heaven Help Us (1985) - full transcript

Sixteen-year-old Michael Dunn arrives at St. Basil's Catholic Boys School in Brooklyn circa 1965. There, he befriends all of the misfits in his class as they collide with the repressive faculty and discover the opposite sex as they come of age.

Blessed be God.

Blessed be God.

Blessed be his holy name.

Blessed be his holy name.

Blessed be Jesus Christ,

true God and true man.

Blessed be Jesus Christ,

true God and true man.

Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Blessed be

His most sacred Heart.

Blessed be

His most sacred Heart.

Blessed be Jesus in the most

Holy Sacrament of the altar.

Blessed be Jesus in the most

holy Sacrament of the altar.

Blessed be the great Mother

of God, Mary most holy.

Blessed be the great Mother

of God, Mary most holy.

Blessed be her holy

and immaculate conception.

Blessed be her holy

and immaculate conception.

Blessed be

her glorious assumption.

Blessed be

her glorious assumption.

Blessed be the name of Mary,

Virgin and Mother.

Blessed be the name of Mary,

Virgin and Mother.

Blessed be St. Joseph,

her most chaste spouse.

Blessed be St. Joseph,

her most chaste spouse.

Blessed be God in His angels

and in His saints.

Blessed be God in His angels

and in His saints.

On your feet.

Mr. Dunn, is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Say, "Yes, Brother Thadeus,"

Mr. Dunn.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

You went to St. Mary's

up at Boston, correct?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

I'm glad you're amused,

Mr. Dunn.

It isn't often my students

find me so.

You served on the altar

up at St. Mary's.

Fine, you will continue

to do so here.

We still do the Latin Mass,

so brush up on your Latin.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Don't interrupt, Mr. Dunn.

Speak when directly addressed

or questioned, understood?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Now, I want you to tell me

in your own words

what you expect to gain

from your experiences

here at St. Basil's.

To learn?

I asked for a statement,

not a question, Mr. Dunn.

To try and do my best.

You must do better

than try.

You must succeed,

Mr. Dunn.

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Right, yes, Brother Thadeus.

Yes what, Mr. Dunn?

Yes, uh...

I don't know,

Brother Thadeus.

Yes, I will succeed,

Brother Thadeus.

Yes, I will succeed,

Brother Thadeus.

Good.

I wanted to talk to you

about Sister St. Luke.

She's been up at St. Mary's

for a long time.

Brother Thadeus--

Don't interrupt,

Mr. Dunn.

And don't do that thing

with your collar.

Sister St. Luke and I

go back a long way.

Do you know Sister St. Luke,

Mr. Dunn?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

How is Sister St. Luke,

Mr. Dunn?

She's dead,

Brother Thadeus.

You may go,

Mr. Dunn.

Next time I see you,

you will be dressed

according to the school code.

Mr. Dunn?

You forgot to say thank you.

Thank you.

Brother Thadeus.

Brother Thadeus.

Hey, you're not really going

to keep those, are you, Brother?

You want them back, Rooney,

you got to win them back.

Well, Brother,

you got my Mickey Mantle.

Do I?

Oh, right, the Mick.

Thank you.

Excuse me,

Brother.

Brother Thadeus

wants to know

when you intend

to call the boys to order.

Sorry.

You new?

Yes.

I'm supposed to go

to this room here.

Right, this is on the first

floor at the end of the hall

on the left,

I think.

I don't know.

I'm new here too.

Follow them.

Thanks.

Yesterday's assignment covered

the chapter on the Holy Trinity.

If you'll kindly take out

your papers, please.

I didn't ask anyone

to speak, Mr. Rooney,

but since

you're in the mood,

perhaps you would care

to recite from your paper.

The Holy Trinity

is a total mystery.

Therefore,

it cannot be understood.

Brilliant.

But I wanted the definition

that's in the book.

Oh, right, the book.

The Holy Trinity is, was,

and always will be total mystery

that can't, never could,

and never will be understood.

Mr. Rooney,

do you have some sort

of an emotional attachment

to this school?

No, Brother.

Well, then, why, in your

second year in this grade,

are you laying the groundwork

for a third?

Remain standing, please.

How about the new boy?

Mister, um...

Dunn.

Mr. Dunn.

Can you enlighten

Mr. Rooney?

No, Brother, I can't.

Very well, but there will be

no excuses tomorrow.

All right, Caesar.

Brother,

before I read my definition,

I'd like to preface--

What are you chewing?

It's gum, Brother.

Stick it on the end

of your nose, please.

And you will leave it there

for the remainder of the day.

Yes, Brother, may I--

Sit down!

All right, Mr. Rooney,

come up here

and bring that piece

of paper with you.

Your homework seems

to have disappeared, Mister.

I realize that this was

a religion assignment,

but I hardly expected you

to perform a miracle.

Is that possible,

Mr. Rooney?

Is it possible that a miracle

has actually occurred?

Or is it more likely that you

were trying to deceive me?

No, Brother.

Well, then,

what's the explanation?

Well, I--

You were trying to deceive me,

weren't you?

No, Brother.

The truth, Mister.

You were trying to deceive me,

weren't you?

Yes, Brother.

And now you're sorry,

aren't you?

Well, then say it.

Say "I'm sorry, Brother."

"I'm sorry, Brother"!

"I'm sorry, Brother."

I'm sorry, Brother.

Eat up, Mister.

Welcome to St. Basil's.

You're holding up the line,

young man.

Can't decide?

Oh, I've decided

all right, Dunn.

I've decided I'd rather die

than eat this crap.

Looks kind of crowded.

Mind if I sit with you?

Sure.

You'll find plenty

of seats around me.

Oh, yeah?

Why?

It has something to do

with my IQ, Dunn.

You see, when one is in the

presence of a superior being,

one naturally feels inferior.

Hey, Caesar,

you fat faggot,

you always wear gum

on your nose?

I take a certain pride

in the fact

that I've never let my

intercourse with the faculty

degenerate

into any physical violence.

Which is no mean feat

when you consider

the mentality around here

is inspired

by the Spanish Inquisition.

Here.

Thanks, Dunn.

And then, for insurance,

I carry a note.

What note?

It's from my uncle.

He's a doctor.

The note says I'm subject

to seizures.

It's a crock, of course,

but it keeps me from having

my character built.

What's up?

It's Williams,

probably got caught

playing with himself again.

Maybe Uncle

could write me a note.

I'll write you one when I get

out of Harvard Med School.

You mean you're not

going to be a priest?

Psychiatrist.

I wouldn't save that for later,

Dunn.

It might start walking.

This historic visit

will mark the first time

that the head

of the Roman Catholic Church

has come to the United States.

The Vatican further

announced today

that preparations are being

made for the Holy Father--

Holy Mother of God.

The Italians are coming.

Now I know it's

the end of the world.

You shouldn't talk

like that.

That's the Pope they're

talking about there.

He may be the Pope,

but he's Italian to me.

Boo, stop playing

with my flowers.

I'm not playing with them.

I'm gathering them.

She's got to grow

out of this.

Don't worry.

She'll grow out of it.

Put the flowers back, Boo.

So, Michael, how's school?

It's all right, I guess.

The Brothers

know their business.

Do what they tell you, and

they'll turn you into a man.

Better, a priest.

Martha.

And won't your parents

be smiling down from Heaven

the day you become a priest.

Martha, pass the cabbage.

Father Dunn.

The cabbage, Martha.

Bishop Dunn.

Boo, tell your grandma

to pass the cabbage.

Pass the cabbage, Grandma.

Pope Michael I.

Come on, Boo,

off the bed.

I died, Michael.

Yeah?

Well, go die in your own bed.

I'm tired.

Give me the Last Rites.

I'm not a priest.

I'll wait till you are.

Well, you might wait

a lot longer than you think.

Where'd you get this?

I stole it from Grandma.

If she catches you smoking,

she'll have a heart attack.

If she hears you talking

about not being a priest,

she'll have a stroke.

Michael, study your Latin.

Studying, Grandma.

Ready?

Ready.

Okay.

Confiteor deo.

Confiteor deo.

Omnipotenti.

Omnipotenti.

Beatae Mariae.

Beatae Mariae.

Semper Virgini.

Semper Virgini.

Beato Michaeli.

Beato Michaeli.

Archangelo.

Archangelo.

Beato Joanni Baptistae.

Beato Joanni Baptistae.

Sanctis Apostolis.

Sanctis Apostolis.

Petro et Paulo.

If I looked like you,

I would shave my ass

and walk backwards.

Janine!

Hey, Janine.

Oh, boy.

She's hot for me,

you know.

I made 30 cupcakes,

chocolate with vanilla icing.

Those are my

favorite--

Hey, Janine.

Hey, if you go to Loews

next Saturday night,

why don't you come up

to the last row balcony?

What for?

I'll show you what for

when you get there.

Oh, yeah,

and after that,

we'll have to go

to confession, right?

I hope so.

Besides, you know

what the penance is

for getting felt up in Loews

last row balconies, don't you?

It's a rosary.

Shit, I could do a goddamn

rosary standing on my head.

You're nuts.

What about

my nuts?

This guy

is really sick.

It's true, Rooney.

You're really sick.

Hey, let me buy you a Coke

or something.

Oh, hot shit.

Hey, Saturday night, Janine,

last row balcony.

Hey, look at these guys.

Hey, kid, come here.

Come here, kid.

I'm not going to bite you.

I wouldn't count on it.

Here, hold this.

It's the St. Mary's fairy.

Come here, kid,

I want to tell you a secret.

Hey, let him go, Rooney,

and I'll give you a banana, huh?

Hey, shut up, faggot.

Quit blocking the stoop, dummy.

Hey, why don't you go play your

games someplace else, Rooney?

Hey, Danni, I want you

to meet the St. Mary's fairy.

Hey, what do you think?

She's cute, ain't she?

Let him go.

Hey, I think she

likes you, man.

I said let him go.

All right, Rooney,

no doggy biscuits.

Hey, look, kid, you keep

hanging out with that faggot,

you're going to start

thinking I'm pretty.

I told you he would

do something dumb.

You should have kicked him

in the balls.

That's what

I would have done.

You can sum up your experiences

with the Rooneys of this world

at that one moment

when you're gathering your books

from the floor.

Yeah, where's your books?

I carry my assignments

like this.

Otherwise, I'd end up

on my knees like you.

Don't worry

about a thing, Dunn.

I'll have you caught up

with your work in no time.

Thanks.

Listen, why do you let him

call you a faggot?

Let me tell you something

about Rooney.

He's just projecting his doubts

about his own sexuality.

It's typical.

Oh, Christ.

There's no toilet paper.

Hey, Williams, is that you?

Yes.

Do you have any toilet paper

in there?

No.

Dunn, will you check

the other stall?

Yeah.

Nothing.

Look, you better run,

or you'll be late.

What about you?

I'll work something out.

Would you pass up your homework

assignments, please?

Brother Timothy will be

observing class today.

Take a seat

in the back, Brother.

All right,

let's get started, please.

You're late, Caesar.

Yes, Brother.

Next time,

try running.

Yes, Brother.

One demerit.

Do you have your

homework assignment?

No, Brother.

You didn't do your

homework assignment?

I did my homework assignment,

Brother.

I just misplaced it.

No homework assignment?

Two demerits.

Sit down.

Sue that janitor.

By nowyou should all have

a copy of David Copperfield.

Anyone who doesn't,

speak now--

You'll pay for that,

Caesar.

But, Brother,

my screws are gone.

Bring your desk up here, Mister.

Where are your screws, Caesar?

I have no idea,

Brother.

All right, who did it?

Who took the screws?

On your knees, all of you.

And you will remain

on your knees

until the joker

comes forward.

I tried to warn you.

You, Mr. Dunn.

Stand up, please.

Perhaps you would care to share

your comments to Mr. Caesar

with the rest of the class.

I said I was sorry

I didn't tell him

that he didn't have any screws,

Brother.

Come up here, Mr. Dunn.

Did you take Caesar's screws,

Mr. Dunn?

No, Brother.

Do you know who did?

No, Brother.

Mr. Dunn, there's something

you should know about me.

I'm not a man

who enjoys violence.

In fact, I find

I get much better results

when I use patience.

And this, Mr. Dunn,

is patience.

Now, I think you know

who took Caesar's screws

and to who you would

have to answer.

It's "to whom,"

Brother.

What?

It's "to whom,"

Brother,

as in "to whom he would

have to answer."

Now, do you know to whom

you will have to answer

for interrupting?

To you, Brother.

Right again.

Hands and knees, Mr. Caesar,

up and down the aisle.

Let's hear it,

Mr. Caesar.

To whom, Brother.

To whom, Brother.

Mr. Dunn,

who took the screws?

I don't know, Brother.

Brother, maybe I should

come back some other time.

Oh, no, please stay.

I'm about to show you

how patience

triumphs over impudence.

To whom, Brother.

Hold out your hands,

please, Mr. Dunn.

To whom,

Brother.

To whom, Brother.

Who took the screws?

Who took the screws?

Point him out,

Mr. Dunn.

All right, that's enough.

Well, Brother, is there anything

else you'd like to show me?

Paper says it may rain

this afternoon, Mr. Rooney.

Do you think Brother Paul

will call off track and field?

I don't know, Brother.

Thadeus.

If he doesn't,

we'll be missed out there.

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Brother?

Yes, let's step outside.

Get off the wall, Mr. Dunn.

Keep an eye on those boys,

Brother.

Dunn, how you doing?

Hey, look, man,

I really appreciate

the way you held out

for me like that.

I never expected you

to take so much.

Man, all I remember was

that look on Constance's face

when you jumped me.

That goddamn faggot,

Constance.

He never expected you

to do something like that.

Oh, man, my goddamn arms

are killing me.

How about you?

Fuck this, man.

I'm putting my arms down

for a while.

Hey, so listen, Dunn.

After all this,

you won't have to hang out

with that faggot, Caesar,

anymore.

I mean, you can hang out

with the regular guys.

You know what I mean?

Drop dead.

I thought I was going to learn

something about running a class.

But instead, I was offered

a demonstration in brutality.

The man seemed to be

enjoying himself, Brother.

That's a rather

slanderous thought, Brother,

one that really ought

to be kept to oneself.

Brother Constance

is an effective teacher,

one of the best we have.

I hear you,

Brother, but, uh--

But what?

We all come to the order

full of ideas.

But after a while,

we often find

that we have much

to learn ourselves.

In any event, authority

must never be undermined

by displays of dissention

among the faculty.

For the students' sake,

you understand.

No, I don't understand.

Then you should try to restrain

yourself until you do.

Hey, Dunn,

where you going?

I'm going home.

Hey, why don't you hang out

for a while?

Get lost, huh?

Hey, look, Dunn.

You jumped me

in front of everybody.

You made me look

pretty stupid.

I got to save face.

If I don't make you

my friend,

that means I got to kick

your ass every time I see you.

Now, nobody wants that

to happen, right?

So what do you say, huh?

Let's give it a try.

Come on.

You know, Dunn,

I always liked you.

Hey, Danni,

getting any lately?

Danni,

come here a minute.

Williams has something

for you.

I got something

for him.

How's it hanging, Williams?

Hey, Rooney,

how's it going?

Hey, over here, Dunn.

I've got a sweeter song

than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'd say.

Hey, Danni.

Hey, where's your old man?

How come I haven't

seen him lately?

You want

something?

Yeah, I want you, babe.

Order something

or get lost, okay?

All right,

get me a pack of Luckies

and a Coke

for my new friend here.

My treat.

Hey, Dunn, do not waste

your time with her.

She's just 100% frustrated

from spending all her time

with her old man.

I mean, she never made it

with nobody.

Not even me,

if you can believe that.

Don't choke on them.

Yeah, yeah,

hey, listen, Danni.

We're going to be starting the

school dances in a couple weeks.

How would you

like to go with me?

Nope.

Not even if I get

my father's new car

and we went driving afterwards?

You don't even have

a license, Rooney.

So what's a license

got to do with it?

I can drive.

Hey, Danni, it's got electric

leather seats and windows.

What are you trying to do,

make me hysterical?

50?.

Thanks a lot, Dunn.

Thanks.

So how about it,

Danni, huh?

Electric leather seats.

I don't want to go

to no Catholic dance.

I ain't a Catholic.

And even if I was, I wouldn't go

with a jerk like you

even if you were bishop.

See, what did I tell you?

100% frustrated.

Rooney, my sick friend,

got a cigarette for me?

Hey, Janine.

How would you like

to go riding around with me

in my father's new car?

It depends on who's

doing the driving.

It's got electric leather seats

and windows, Janine.

Leather?

Electric.

Hi.

Can I t a pack

of Chesterfields, please?

Yeah.

Got a light?

And Rooney--

Rooney, never gamble with what

you don't want to lose.

Hey, that's deep,

Brother.

Yeah, well, I'm deep.

It's a raid!

Hey, where are you going?

That's my house

through there.

Nobody goes

through my house.

Shit.

No, no, no, no, no.

You got me, Brother.

So what school

do you go to?

Aw, Christ.

Look at this.

If they'd just

leave us alone.

Listen, why don't you

just leave, okay?

Heads up.

I haven't been to school

this year yet.

I thought

they'd come after me.

But all they do

is send letters.

I don't think

they care that much.

Besides, I can learn

more than they can teach me

just from reading

on my own.

Maybe I'll go back someday.

Maybe.

Okay.

You ain't like

those other jerks, are you?

I don't know.

I just got here.

Gentlemen, it pains me

to tell you this.

But of all the Basil boys

I've had in this room,

this is by far

the most physically unfit.

Therefore, in keeping with the

late great President Kennedy's

nationwide physical fitness

program,

I have decided that,

starting today,

we'll put away

the things of our childhood

and begin the work of men.

The day is coming, gentlemen,

when you will be called upon

to defend this country

against the communists.

And when that--

And when that day comes,

you'd better be in better shape

than you are right now.

The communists

are fierce fighters,

fanatically dedicated

to their cause.

And do you know

what this cause is?

No, Brother.

Killing Catholics.

Hey, Caesar,

you have something up your nose?

Not anymore, Brother.

Well, how would you like

something up there

that you can't blow out?

Not really, Brother.

All right, men,

after swim class,

we will all assemble

in the gym

for a period

of severe calisthenics.

We'll put Constance

in the hospital

with this assignment,

Dunn.

He'll be asking religion,

and we'll be answering

metaphysics.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

You want me to look up

something here or what?

Oh, go ahead

with what you're doing.

Do you know that daydreaming

relieves the unconscious?

It's a common activity

among geniuses.

Really?

Really.

It's also common among

schizophrenics and fools.

Speaking of fools,

what are you doing here?

Shut up, fathead.

I'm here to see Dunn.

What's the matter?

Thadeus took me off

track and field.

Why?

He heard me call Constance

a goddamn faggot

when we were kneeling

in his office.

I don't know how he did it,

but he heard me.

He's omniscient.

Yeah, his mother's

probably one too.

Anyway, he says I'm off

track and field

until I go apologize

to Constance.

So go apologize.

Oh, sure,

go tell Constance

I'm sorry I called him

a goddamn faggot.

He'll cream my face.

But without track and field,

my grades will be based

on my grades.

That means I'm going to be

in this goddamn school

for the rest of my goddamn life.

Sshh!

So what are you

going to do?

I'm going to study.

You think that's funny?

Caesar, why don't you

work with him?

Caesar doesn't work

with morons.

No, hey, Dunn, forget it.

I don't need any help.

Especially from a faggot

like him.

Why don't you just work

with each other?

No!

Hey, Caesar.

Don't say nothing, man.

I don't want nobody

to know I'm here.

They might get

the wrong idea.

Hey, listen,

I think Dunn's right.

I think you should help me.

Hey, I'm not saying we have

to be friends or anything,

strictly business,

no strings attached.

Hey, maybe I could do something

for you too, anything.

I just can't afford

to get let back anymore.

I already got hair on my balls,

Caesar.

So what do you say, huh?

You going to help me or what?

Come on, please.

Hey, you can still be a faggot

as far as I'm concerned.

Please, Caesar, huh?

Corby, you can't tell him

you lied to your father.

He'll make you go back

and apologize to him.

Then he'll break

your goddamn legs.

Tell him it was a bus driver

you lied to,

you know, someone you're

never going to see again.

Right.

And what's this, huh?

You stole 22 times?

What the fuck are you,

a goddamn Jesse James?

And what did you steal?

He's going to want to know.

And he's going to tell you

to bring it all back.

Here, change this 22 to 2

and tell him it was

some food or something.

What if he wants me

to bring that back?

What, the crap?

And add three lies

to the others,

but don't tell him

it's him you were lying to.

You know,

like you forgot who it was,

then you're home free.

Yeah, but that still leaves me

with one lie.

Yeah, but it's

a beautiful trade-off.

Bless me, Father,

for I have sinned.

It's been three months

since my last confession.

Go on.

I've lied three times.

I've been angry very often.

I've shown disrespect

to my elders several times.

Hey, Williams,

you got your list?

Yeah.

Let's take a look.

Jesus, you got here

you jerked off 168 times

and it's been one month

since your last confession.

That's an average of--

5.6 times a day.

Oh, my God.

You can't tell him that.

He'll cut your balls off.

Here, make this

three jerk offs.

Divide the rest into

impure thoughts and wet dreams.

And add another lie

to your list.

Check.

What kind of magazine?

Uh, one with pictures in it.

What kind of pictures?

Pictures of things,

uh, women, Father.

And what did you

think about

when you looked

at these pictures?

Think about?

Did you have

any thoughts?

Yes, Father.

What kind of thoughts?

Impure thoughts, Father.

I was coming to that sin.

When you had

these impure thoughts,

did you commit

impure acts?

Yes, Father, I was coming

to that sin also.

How often did you commit

these impure acts?

Oh, just once.

Just once?

You sure about that?

I want you to think

for a moment.

Yes, just once, Father.

When you committed

these impure acts,

did you do it alone

or with someone else?

Oh, no, alone,

always alone.

Always?

What happened

to just once?

Oh, I mean just once alone.

What's he going to confess?

Taking a shit?

What is taking so long?

Perrin's in there.

Perrin

the Pervert?

Yeah, and Father Abruzzi.

Perrin the Pervert

and Impure Acts Abruzzi.

God, we're going to

be here all day.

I want you to throw

that magazine away.

I want you to give the money

back to your parents.

Oh, no, I can't.

You're going to have to.

For your penance,

say 6 Our Fathers

and 12 Hail Marys,

and I want you to say Rosary

every day for a week.

Can you remember all that?

Yes.

Make an act

of contrition.

Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry

for having offended Thee,

and I detest all my sins

because I dread the loss

of Heaven and the pains of Hell

but most of all because

they offend Thee, my God,

who are all good and deserving

of all my love.

What?

What!?

You little weasel.

I was only joking.

Come on, Father,

can't you take a joke?

Hey, I got an idea.

Keep an eye out

for Father Abruzzi.

Yeah.

Bless me, Father,

for I have sinned.

It's been six weeks

since my last confession.

Go on, my son.

Father, I'd like to confess a

sin I thought I could live with.

But it's becoming a problem.

An impure act?

Something much worse.

Really?

Father, I entered

and, typically, won

an inter-borough

essay contest.

I accepted a nominal

cash prize,

and the article was published

in the community paper.

Big deal, my son.

Father, I failed to footnote

some of my sources.

Get to the sin,

please.

Plagiarism, Father.

Alone or with someone else?

With a girl?

I did it myself.

Yeah, so?

Father,

if this is discovered,

it could someday keep me

out of Harvard.

And, Father, I was conceived

to go to Harvard.

All right, all right,

you are forgiven.

Do you have any other

good stuff,

impure thoughts,

desires, fantasies?

No, Father.

What?

What kind of a faggot

are you, anyway?

Dominus vobiscum,

shithead.

You're going to recite

one Our Father, one Hail Mary,

and you're going to help

your buddy, Ed Rooney,

get passing grades, or you can

kiss off Harvard, pal.

There is no God.

Hey, I'm telling you guys:

Fast dancing's

for faggots, man.

Girls fast dance

with their sisters.

I mean, think about it

for a second.

Her body, her soft, perfumed,

and powdered body

leaning against yours.

Her legs, her thighs,

moving against yours.

Her delicate,

perfectly formed knobs.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, and it's

all legal.

It is?

Yeah.

All right!

My name is Brother Timothy,

and I have been sentenced

to preside over this series

of dances.

First of all,

I'd like to welcome

the Virgin Martyr girls

and thank them for coming.

And I have a note to remind you

that there will be

a First Friday novena

this coming Friday.

And now let me introduce

to you Father Abruzzi,

who will be giving

the first talk.

Thanks.

Father.

Wait just a second,

Father.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

As you know,

these dances are designed

to help you learn

to interact with one another

in a way befitting

young men and women

of a strong moral fiber.

You're all at an age now

when you're perhaps

beginning to notice

the difference

between the boys and the girls.

And just as she is

at every other important moment

of your life,

the Church

is here to guide you.

Many of you will be

experiencing certain feelings,

feelings which you might be

inclined to confuse with love.

But ladies and gentlemen,

never confuse love

with the deadliest

of the seven deadly sins.

Lust, ladies and gentlemen,

has undone and cast down

into the infernal fires of Hell

even the most advanced souls.

There is a beast living within

each and every one of you,

a filthy beast,

whose name is--

Lust.

That's right,

ladies and gentlemen.

Lust is the beast within you,

the beast that wants

to consume you

and then spit you out

into the eternal fires of Hell,

where, for all eternity,

your flesh will be ripped from

your body by grotesque serpents

with razor-sharp teeth,

where, for all eternity,

your blood will boil,

your bones will burn,

and your marrow

will be reduced

to a putrid black slime!

And for what?

For a few moments

of weakness

that led you to admire the shape

of somebody's buttocks.

Any questions?

Very well, then.

Have a nice time.

Enjoy the dance.

And I'll see you all next week.

I did you wrong.

My heart went out to play.

But in the game,

I lost you.

What a price to pay.

I'm crying.

So how come you guys

aren't dancing?

Caesar doesn't dance.

Oh.

Guys want anything?

Me? No thanks.

Caesar hardly walks.

What's your excuse?

I don't know,

waiting for inspiration.

Inspiration?

Who from, the Holy Ghost?

Come on, it's a cinch.

You just walk up

to some girl you like,

you look her

in the eye,

say, "Excuse me,

but you want to dance?"

Works every time.

Yeah.

What if it doesn't?

Well, if it doesn't work,

then you got to start thinking

about joining a religious order.

Maybe I'll see you later.

Maybe you better

start dancing.

I'm just about

at the end of my rope.

But I can't stop trying.

I can't give up hope.

I'm dying.

Baby, baby.

Eight fingers,

there, Rooney.

Eight fingers.

Can you still get

your father's car, Rooney?

Sure, let's go.

No, wait, not now.

After the dance.

And I don't want

to go alone.

You're not going alone.

You're going with me.

I mean, we have to take Cathleen

with us.

What the hell for?

Because we came

together.

All right,

I'll get Corby.

That slime?

All right, I got it.

I'll take Williams.

You're right.

Who then?

Give me a name.

Who?

Over there.

Who, him?

What, is she weird

or something?

I think she likes his brains.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Danni?

Excuse me.

I was looking for Danni.

What the hell

are you doing here?

The door was open.

I was looking for you.

I guess I shouldn't have

just come on in, huh?

Damn straight you shouldn't

have just come in.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to talk.

Get out of here, okay?

Sorry.

I just wanted to dance

with you.

You're still here?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You want to come in?

Nah, I'm going

to head home.

Come on.

Please?

Okay.

Listen, I didn't mean

to yell at you like that.

And I'm sorry, okay?

Sure, don't worry

about it.

I just don't like nobody

going back there.

He's not always

like that.

My father,

he's not always like that.

It's just melancholia.

What?

You know,

he's down in the dumps.

How come?

'Cause the woman

he loved

and loved him back

killed herself.

Your mother?

No, not her.

She's the reason

the woman killed herself.

You see, even though my father

loved this other woman,

he couldn't bring himself

to leave my mother.

Stupid.

Anyway, that's when my father

got melancholia.

And that got my mother

pretty mad,

'cause she knew why

he had melancholia,

so she left him.

How's that for a kick

in the head?

God.

Yeah, God.

What's the matter?

You smoke or what?

What are you smoking

my cigarettes for?

Sorry.

Caesar.

What do you think

you're doing, Rooney?

Tonight's the night,

buddy.

Tonight's the night

for what?

Hey, listen, uh,

Janine said she'd go

riding around with me

in my father's new car.

Tell her I can recommend

a good therapist.

Excuse me.

Well, listen, Cathleen

wants to go with you.

Forget it, Rooney.

Harvard, Caesar.

Harvard.

Look, Rooney, I'll help you

with your grades.

But do you think holding

that over my head

puts me at your beck and call

for life?

Yeah.

Thank you, God.

Are you sure this is okay?

Yeah, my father's in Chicago.

Pile in.

Get the fuck

in there.

Where's Janine

and Rooney?

What do you think

they're doing?

I don't even want

to think about it.

Where's Cathleen

and Caesar?

Oh, don't worry

about those faggots.

They can take care

of themselves.

Here, take some more.

Hey, take a little more.

More?

Yeah.

It relaxes you.

Okay.

Bye.

You know, Janine.

I've waited a long time

for this.

I know you waited

a long time too.

I know you want it.

You won't regret this,

Janine.

I swear you won't.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I really enjoyed that article

you had published in the paper.

Which one?

The one they gave you

the prize for.

Did you?

Yes, I thought it was

well-written, entertaining,

and extremely

enlightening.

Did you really?

Yes, and I especially liked

the way you detailed the split

between Freud and Jung.

I did do that rather well,

didn't I?

Well, you see,

Freud was sort of an asshole.

Well, I mean,

to reduce everything

that is longer than it is wide

to a penis is--

What's that?

It's a goddamn boat.

What the fuck

do you think it is?

What's that?

Don't you know anything?

It's a goddamn bridge

answering a goddamn boat.

Why would the bridge

be answering the boat?

So that the goddamn boat

knows that the goddamn bridge

knows that the goddamn boat

knows that the bridge

knows the boat

is coming through.

Goddamn!

Fuck, my car.

Caesar,

open the fucking door.

There's a fucking

boat coming.

I ain't playing around.

Open the fucking door,

Janine.

I'm going to be sick.

I don't care.

Open the fucking door.

What's wrong?

Rooney, what's wrong?

Rooney, what's wrong?

What's going on?

Get the fuck off me.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I can't find my goddamn keys.

Damn.

Precious and warm a memory

through the years.

Oh, thank you, God.

Thank you.

I'll never forget you for this,

God.

Oh, my God.

God, what are you doing?

You're fucking me up here, God.

Through the years.

And I still can see

blue velvet...

through my tears.

Blue velvet.

Fuckin' A, man.

Janine.

Leave her alone,

Rooney.

Yeah, yeah,

hey, listen.

What happened

to you?

My father just got back

from Chicago.

Hey, listen,

I just found out,

if you get the Pope to wave

at you when you're together,

that means you can have sex

without sin.

Your ass.

No, really, because then

you're as good as married

in the eyes of the church.

I mean, why do you think

all those Italian guys

always cheer every time

he waves at them.

Up yours, Rooney.

And get your stupid face

away from me.

Hey, see you later,

Janine.

What are we going to do,

sit here all day?

You kidding?

This is Thadeus' idea

of a good time.

Yeah, well, the Thad

wouldn't know a good time

if it slid up his leg

and bit him on the patoingas.

Where's Rooney?

I don't know,

Brother.

Where's Dunn?

Don't worry.

Those faggots are never

going to know we're missing.

What did they do to Elvis,

cut his balls off or something?

Now that we are one.

Miserable.

Are you familiar

with the word miserable?

Well, you will be,

because miserable

is what I am going to make

your miserable lives

every miserable minute

of every miserable day

from now until Easter.

Am I making myself

understood?

Yes, Brother.

Yes, Brother what?

Yes, Brother, miserable,

Brother.

What does that faggot Constance

have us using these things for?

Because he is a sick man.

He is sick if he thinks I'm

going to do this every Sunday.

I got better things to do

on my Sundays.

Yeah, like taking a drive

in the Gowanus Canal.

Man, it looks like every bird

in Brooklyn took a dump on him.

Of all the places

there are to drop turds,

I wonder why they all

pick on the Bas'.

Think about it,

all right?

But work while you

thk about it.

There's the pitch.

You know,

I can't figure out

how a guy like you

ever became a Brother.

What do you mean,

a guy like me?

Take a look around.

There's all kinds

of different guys here.

What's wrong with me?

I don't know.

I just can't figure it out

is all.

Well, a lot of people

can't figure it out.

My brother was supposed to be

the one with the vocation.

Me, they had me written off

as the bum.

But here I am,

wearing a robe,

bouncing a ball

on the steps of the rectory.

Is your brother a bum?

Sort of.

He sells life insurance

down in Maryland.

Come on.

Yeah, everybody's got it

all figured out for me too.

Ever since I was a kid,

they've been telling me

I'm going to be a priest.

If my grandmother has her way,

I'll be Pope.

Just be sure to remember

all us little guys down here

when you're up there

in the Vatican.

So you're a working girl,

too, eh?

Isn't that nice, now?

Isn't that nice,

hmm?

Pass the potatoes.

Michael's going to be a priest.

Great.

Your grandparents

seem like nice people.

Yeah, my grandma's not used

to having kids around,

so it's weird for her.

She's all right.

You're going to be

a priest, huh?

Why, you want my blessing?

Sure.

There's my bus.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, you still want

to dance with me?

Sure.

Okay, someday,

when the weather breaks,

I'll take you down to the beach,

to the Bop House.

Great, I don't dance

too good.

I'll teach you how to dance,

Father Michael.

Aw, fuck.

Dunn, this is the greatest day

of my life.

Hey, Willie.

Give me some change?

How's it going?

Ah, spring has sprung.

Got a good summer coming too.

Good summer coming.

Hey, how about you?

You being good?

Trying.

You better.

Friend of yours?

Yeah.

Kind of dead

around here now.

In a couple weeks,

it'll be jumping

with every party-head

in Brooklyn.

That's okay.

I'm not too crazy

about crowds.

Yeah, but on summer nights,

with the lights and stuff,

people dancing, it's like

a whole other planet,

whole other weird,

fantastic planet.

I've been loving you

too long

to stop now.

You are tired.

You want to be free.

My love is growing stronger.

as you become a habit to me.

Ooh, I've been loving you

a little too long.

I don't wanna stop now.

With you, my life

has been so wonderful.

I can't stop now.

You know, lots of times,

when you're with somebody,

you feel like you've always

got to talk to them,

you know, I mean,

always be saying something,

or it starts

getting embarrassing.

You know?

I don't feel that way

with you, though.

I feel like I don't have

to talk, and it's all right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Got something for you.

What?

Special rock.

What's so special

about it?

What's special

about it is,

if you have a wish

you want to come true,

you take that rock

and throw it as far as you can

into the ocean,

and it will come true.

Really?

I don't know.

That's great.

Michael.

Got something for you.

It's a hubcap,

'56 Chevy.

Keep it.

Beauty.

Yep.

Let's get in.

It's getting wet.

Come on.

I don't want to stop now.

Don't make me stop now.

Oh, baby.

I'm down on my knees.

Please,

don't make me stop now.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you

with all of my heart.

And I can't stop now.

Please, please, please,

don't make me stop now,

good God almighty.

My heart and soul,

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Good God Almighty,

I love you.

Hi, Boo.

Did you see Grandma?

She waited up for you.

Yeah, I saw her.

She's going to set herself

on fire one of these days.

Where were you?

Out.

Out with that girl?

Yeah.

Do you like her?

Yeah.

Do you love her?

None of your business.

Come on, get out of here.

I'm tired.

It's not my fault

you're tired.

You're tired because you were

out all night with that girl.

And you were out

all night with her

because you do love her.

And you're all wet.

Michael, you're not

going to leave me, are you?

Of course not.

What are you

talking about?

You're going to go away

with that girl

and leave me here

with Grandma and Grandpa.

Are you going to leave me,

Michael?

No.

I'm not going to leave you.

"In that high place

in the darkness,

"the two oddly sensitive

human atoms

"held each other tightly

and waited.

"The mind of each

was the same thought.

"'I've come

to this lonely place,

and here's this other.'"

I like the part about the two

oddly sensitive human atoms.

You want me to stop?

Hey,

all right.

Got it.

I cannot work

in this madhouse anymore.

And your book report doesn't

sound like David Copperfield.

Hey, you know,

I think something's going on

with those two over there.

Never mind that.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you keep referring

to W.C. Fields?

Because he was in it.

In what?

In the goddamn movie, stupid.

You got a couple

of smokes?

Why me, Lord?

Hey, look,

it's not my fault

you don't know

who W.C. Field is, all right?

Hey, get your own, huh?

Look, I know who

W.C. Fields is.

Who'd he play in the movie?

Hold on.

Let me check my notes.

See, here he is.

He's the guy

with the hat.

Only they fucked up,

because he don't look

like W.C. Fields at all.

Too skinny.

I'll write you a one-

and two-syllable version

of my own report.

You can sign your name

on it later.

Yeah, but that's cheating.

The shitheads are coming!

They're taking names!

Oh, Margaret.

You're creating a famine down

at the other end of the table.

I don't know who's responsible

for this girl.

But I think the social

welfare people

will find this a very

interesting situation.

She is a juvenile

delinquent.

She should be arrested and that

whole place closed down.

Don't you think

that's a little extreme?

Oh, I forgot.

Brother Timothy's

favorite hangout.

We have a responsibility

to take some action here.

That girl's undermining

everything we try to do.

If I were the headmaster--

If you were headmaster,

you'd probably call out

the National Guard.

But at the moment,

I'm headmaster.

And at the moment,

the headmaster is trying

to enjoy his dinner.

Where has all the bread gone?

Ask Brother Dominic

where the bread went.

Brother Dominic.

Where has all the bread gone?

Oh, would you be kind enough

to pass this down

to Brother Thadeus,

with my compliments.

He buttered it too.

I've noticed a marked

improvement in most of the work.

And in some cases,

a miraculous recovery.

Yahoo.

Yahoo, Mr. Rooney?

Certainly your grades indicate

that you have the ability

to succeed if you'll just

apply yourself.

But let's save the yahoos

until we see how well you do

in your other subjects.

A minus, Brother?

I found your assertion

that Charles Dickens

was a paranoid schizophrenic

slightly hard to swallow.

Not to mention

irrelevant.

A minus.

What is this school

coming to?

Hey, look, if you need some help

on your next paper,

hey, what are friends for?

Hey, Dunn,

where you going?

Okay, step aside here.

We're all set.

We'll make arrangements

with your mother

to have the inventory

accounted for.

They made this happen,

didn't they?

Nobody made this happen.

I just don't want you

to be sad.

Because I'm not.

Promise?

No.

We have to go.

Hey, listen, um, I'm glad

I got to dance with you.

Don't worry, Dunn.

We'll find her.

I can't believe

you talked me into this.

First thing in the morning,

I'm having my head examined.

Hey, shut up.

We're doing it for Dunn.

In the morning,

you're going to be glad

you did it.

You're going to feel

like a man.

God, who has given you

the opportunity

for eternal life,

has given you this life

on Earth, this finite life,

this life

with a beginning and an end

that is measured out

in increments of time.

Time.

Time is a medium of exchange.

You can use it.

You can purchase things

with it.

So don't waste your time

when you're out of school.

Whether it be the Easter recess

or the summer vacation,

make it a point

to spend your time fruitfully.

Hey, he's talking to you,

get it?

Fruitfully?

Time will give back to you

tenfold

what you've given to it.

It will make better men

out of you.

It's time

to cheer up Dunn.

Don't take that out now,

Rooney.

Shut up.

Dunn, I got a little present

here for you,

just a little something to put

the smile back on your face.

You think now that

you know everything.

But what is ahead for you

is extraordinary.

And remember, whether you are

in school or out of school,

you are representatives...

Of St. Basil's.

You and you and you

and you and you.

Let's go.

And you are charged with

upholding the moral character--

Let's go.

identified with this school.

That's far enough.

Against the wall, please,

gentlemen.

You, too, Rooney.

Make yourselves comfortable,

gentlemen.

Is he gone?

I think that faggot

figured out who did it.

Oh, what gives you

that idea?

What are you

going to tell him?

Oh, let's see.

You're sitting

in the assembly

with a saint's head

in your lap.

Tell him you found it

in a box of Cracker Jacks.

No, that's no good.

We've got to think of something

better than that.

Hey, Williams,

what are you doing?

Corby, shut up.

Williams is playing

with himself in here.

All right, I got it, listen.

This is what we'll tell him

when he comes back.

We'll tell him--

we'll tell him

we don't know

what the fuck

he's talking about.

How is he going to argue

with that?

Come on, Caesar.

We're going to get killed.

I've got a note.

Well, sure,

listen to him.

He's got a goddamn note.

What about

the rest of us, huh?

We're all in this together,

you know.

Hey, Dunn,

where are you?

Right here.

Hey, Dunn, we did it for you,

you know.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I will appeal to him

as one human being to another.

I'll reason with him.

Oh, sure, you're going to reason

with a grown man in a dress?

Come with me, please.

That's far enough.

Thank you, Brother.

Gentlemen, we will dispense

with the traditional

accusation-denial ritual.

It's such a bore

and not likely to convince me

that I don't have before me,

right now,

at least one, if not all,

of the vandals.

But,

since I'm a just man

with no taste

for punishing the innocent,

I will afford the guilty

the opportunity to speak now

and to save the innocent

from an impending

state of wretchedness.

Well?

Could you repeat that,

Brother?

Shut up.

All right,

who did it?

Speak now, or you will

all suffer for it.

I did.

Mr. Dunn.

He didn't

do it.

Williams

did it.

What do you mean,

I did it?

Corbet did it.

No, it was Caesar's idea

to take the head off.

All right.

All right,

that's enough!

Have it your own way,

gentlemen.

Mr. Corbet, you will approach

the horse, please.

Gentlemen, will you

turn around, please?

Mr. Williams.

Mr. Caesar.

Brother, I'm exempt

from this sort of discipline.

The famous note.

I see you've had it

laminated.

To protect it.

Very good, I'll return it to you

when we finish.

Please, Brother,

can't we work out

another punitive plan, please?

Please, Brother, please.

This is barbaric.

Who are you calling barbaric?

You leave him alone.

Shit.

Holy shit.

Come on,

Caesar.

Never let it be said

that one of our boys performed

less than admirably

on any occasion

or displayed anything less

than the most noble character

in so doing.

Let's go.

I said let's go.

What is this?

It's quite all right, Brother.

Everything's under control.

Bastard!

This impudent

piece of--

They should be expelled.

In the real world,

they'd be charged with assault.

In the real world, they'd have

a case for self-defense.

I think expulsion

is justified here.

No one cares

what you think.

Fetch the boys in here.

Those kids

are our responsibility.

No one need remind me of

our responsibilities, Brother.

Can you gentlemen

give me a good reason

why you shouldn't

be expelled?

It's my fault, Brother.

I'm the one

who should be expelled.

You all acted as one,

Mr. Dunn.

And as one, you shall bear

the consequences.

Yes, Brother,

but I started it.

Did you?

As I understand it,

Brother Constance started it.

What?

I'm suspending you

for two weeks.

Good day, gentlemen.

What do you mean,

I started it?

They assaulted

the faculty.

They have disgraced

this institution.

And they destroyed

a statue of St. Basil.

I always hated that statue.

What is this?

I'm having you transferred

out of the school.

I don't want you working

with children anymore.

You can't do this.

I will demand an investigation.

I'll take this

all the way to the bishop

if I have to.

Take it wherever you want,

Brother.

Just take it

out of my office.

It appears we have a vacancy,

Brother.

You think you can fit in?

I think so, Brother.

I can't tell my father

I'm suspended.

I'll have to leave the house

every morning

and pretend

I'm going to school.

Yeah, so what else

is new?

I'll never,

ever get into Harvard now.

I'll have to settle

for Queens College.

Well, you should feel right

at home at Queens College.

Guess this means

I can't be Pope.

Not unless you have three

miracles to your credit.

I can't believe we're not going

to be in this place

for two weeks.

Yeah!

And it's one for the money,

two for the show--

In 1966, everybody graduated

from St. Basil's.

Except me.

Caesar went on to graduate

with honors from Queens College

and became a podometrist

or a psychiatrist

or some fag job like that.

Williams got a job

as a projectionist

at the Peek-a-Boob Theater

in Times Square.

Corbet married Janine.

Imagine, a turd like him.

They have six kids.

I heard Dunn and Danni

ran into each other at Woodstock

at Max What-His-Face's farm,

where 1/2 million faggots

stood in the rain

for three days

with no clothes on.

Me, I went to beautician school,

where everybody graduated

except me,

but I got a job

as a shampoo boy

at Maricia's House of Hair

in Bensonhurst.

The hours suck,

the pay sucks,

I'm surrounded by funny guys,

but the tips are great.

Thank you, God.

Copyright:

2004 Home Box Office, Inc.

Well, you can do anything.

But lay

off my blue suede shoes.

Rock it!

Well, it's one

for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready.

Now go, go, go.

But don't you

step on my blue suede shoes.

Well, you can do anything.

But lay off

of my blue suede shoes.

Let's go, cats.

You can burn my house,

steal my car,

drink my liquor

from an old fruit jar.

Do anything

that you want to do,

but uh-uh, honey,

lay off of my shoes.

Don't you

step on my blue suede shoes.

You can do anything,

but lay off

of my blue suede shoes.

Rock it.