Heaven Help Us (1985) - full transcript

Sixteen-year-old Michael Dunn arrives at St. Basil's Catholic Boys School in Brooklyn circa 1965. There, he befriends all of the misfits in his class as they collide with the repressive faculty and discover the opposite sex as they come of age.

Blessed be God.

Blessed be God.

Blessed be his holy name.

Blessed be his holy name.

Blessed be Jesus Christ,
true God and true man.

Blessed be Jesus Christ,
true God and true man.

Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Blessed be
His most sacred Heart.

Blessed be
His most sacred Heart.

Blessed be Jesus in the most
Holy Sacrament of the altar.

Blessed be Jesus in the most
holy Sacrament of the altar.

Blessed be the great Mother
of God, Mary most holy.

Blessed be the great Mother
of God, Mary most holy.

Blessed be her holy
and immaculate conception.

Blessed be her holy
and immaculate conception.

Blessed be
her glorious assumption.

Blessed be
her glorious assumption.

Blessed be the name of Mary,
Virgin and Mother.

Blessed be the name of Mary,
Virgin and Mother.

Blessed be St. Joseph,
her most chaste spouse.

Blessed be St. Joseph,
her most chaste spouse.

Blessed be God in His angels
and in His saints.

Blessed be God in His angels
and in His saints.

On your feet.

Mr. Dunn, is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Say, "Yes, Brother Thadeus,"
Mr. Dunn.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

You went to St. Mary's
up at Boston, correct?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

I'm glad you're amused,
Mr. Dunn.

It isn't often my students
find me so.

You served on the altar
up at St. Mary's.

Fine, you will continue
to do so here.

We still do the Latin Mass,
so brush up on your Latin.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.
Don't interrupt, Mr. Dunn.

Speak when directly addressed
or questioned, understood?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Now, I want you to tell me
in your own words

what you expect to gain

from your experiences
here at St. Basil's.

To learn?

I asked for a statement,
not a question, Mr. Dunn.

To try and do my best.

You must do better
than try.

You must succeed,
Mr. Dunn.

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Right, yes, Brother Thadeus.

Yes what, Mr. Dunn?

Yes, uh...

I don't know,
Brother Thadeus.

Yes, I will succeed,
Brother Thadeus.

Yes, I will succeed,
Brother Thadeus.


I wanted to talk to you
about Sister St. Luke.

She's been up at St. Mary's
for a long time.

Brother Thadeus--

Don't interrupt,
Mr. Dunn.

And don't do that thing
with your collar.

Sister St. Luke and I
go back a long way.

Do you know Sister St. Luke,
Mr. Dunn?

Yes, sir.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

Yes, Brother Thadeus.

How is Sister St. Luke,
Mr. Dunn?

She's dead,
Brother Thadeus.

You may go,
Mr. Dunn.

Next time I see you,

you will be dressed
according to the school code.

Mr. Dunn?

You forgot to say thank you.

Thank you.

Brother Thadeus.

Brother Thadeus.

Hey, you're not really going
to keep those, are you, Brother?

You want them back, Rooney,
you got to win them back.

Well, Brother,
you got my Mickey Mantle.

Do I?

Oh, right, the Mick.
Thank you.

Excuse me,

Brother Thadeus
wants to know

when you intend
to call the boys to order.


You new?


I'm supposed to go
to this room here.

Right, this is on the first
floor at the end of the hall

on the left,
I think.

I don't know.

I'm new here too.

Follow them.


Yesterday's assignment covered
the chapter on the Holy Trinity.

If you'll kindly take out
your papers, please.

I didn't ask anyone
to speak, Mr. Rooney,

but since
you're in the mood,

perhaps you would care
to recite from your paper.

The Holy Trinity
is a total mystery.

it cannot be understood.


But I wanted the definition
that's in the book.

Oh, right, the book.

The Holy Trinity is, was,
and always will be total mystery

that can't, never could,
and never will be understood.

Mr. Rooney,
do you have some sort

of an emotional attachment
to this school?

No, Brother.

Well, then, why, in your
second year in this grade,

are you laying the groundwork
for a third?

Remain standing, please.

How about the new boy?

Mister, um...


Mr. Dunn.

Can you enlighten
Mr. Rooney?

No, Brother, I can't.

Very well, but there will be
no excuses tomorrow.

All right, Caesar.

before I read my definition,

I'd like to preface--

What are you chewing?

It's gum, Brother.

Stick it on the end
of your nose, please.

And you will leave it there
for the remainder of the day.

Yes, Brother, may I--

Sit down!

All right, Mr. Rooney,
come up here

and bring that piece
of paper with you.

Your homework seems
to have disappeared, Mister.

I realize that this was
a religion assignment,

but I hardly expected you
to perform a miracle.

Is that possible,
Mr. Rooney?

Is it possible that a miracle
has actually occurred?

Or is it more likely that you
were trying to deceive me?

No, Brother.

Well, then,
what's the explanation?

Well, I--

You were trying to deceive me,
weren't you?

No, Brother.

The truth, Mister.

You were trying to deceive me,
weren't you?

Yes, Brother.

And now you're sorry,
aren't you?

Well, then say it.

Say "I'm sorry, Brother."

"I'm sorry, Brother"!

"I'm sorry, Brother."

I'm sorry, Brother.

Eat up, Mister.

Welcome to St. Basil's.

You're holding up the line,
young man.

Can't decide?

Oh, I've decided
all right, Dunn.

I've decided I'd rather die
than eat this crap.

Looks kind of crowded.

Mind if I sit with you?


You'll find plenty
of seats around me.

Oh, yeah?

It has something to do
with my IQ, Dunn.

You see, when one is in the
presence of a superior being,

one naturally feels inferior.

Hey, Caesar,
you fat faggot,

you always wear gum
on your nose?

I take a certain pride
in the fact

that I've never let my
intercourse with the faculty

into any physical violence.

Which is no mean feat
when you consider

the mentality around here

is inspired
by the Spanish Inquisition.


Thanks, Dunn.

And then, for insurance,
I carry a note.

What note?

It's from my uncle.

He's a doctor.

The note says I'm subject
to seizures.

It's a crock, of course,

but it keeps me from having
my character built.

What's up?

It's Williams,

probably got caught
playing with himself again.

Maybe Uncle
could write me a note.

I'll write you one when I get
out of Harvard Med School.

You mean you're not
going to be a priest?


I wouldn't save that for later,

It might start walking.

This historic visit
will mark the first time

that the head
of the Roman Catholic Church

has come to the United States.

The Vatican further
announced today

that preparations are being
made for the Holy Father--

Holy Mother of God.

The Italians are coming.

Now I know it's
the end of the world.

You shouldn't talk
like that.

That's the Pope they're
talking about there.

He may be the Pope,
but he's Italian to me.

Boo, stop playing
with my flowers.

I'm not playing with them.
I'm gathering them.

She's got to grow
out of this.

Don't worry.
She'll grow out of it.

Put the flowers back, Boo.

So, Michael, how's school?

It's all right, I guess.

The Brothers
know their business.

Do what they tell you, and
they'll turn you into a man.

Better, a priest.


And won't your parents
be smiling down from Heaven

the day you become a priest.

Martha, pass the cabbage.

Father Dunn.

The cabbage, Martha.

Bishop Dunn.

Boo, tell your grandma
to pass the cabbage.

Pass the cabbage, Grandma.

Pope Michael I.

Come on, Boo,
off the bed.

I died, Michael.


Well, go die in your own bed.

I'm tired.

Give me the Last Rites.

I'm not a priest.

I'll wait till you are.

Well, you might wait
a lot longer than you think.

Where'd you get this?

I stole it from Grandma.

If she catches you smoking,
she'll have a heart attack.

If she hears you talking
about not being a priest,

she'll have a stroke.

Michael, study your Latin.

Studying, Grandma.




Confiteor deo.

Confiteor deo.



Beatae Mariae.

Beatae Mariae.

Semper Virgini.

Semper Virgini.

Beato Michaeli.

Beato Michaeli.



Beato Joanni Baptistae.

Beato Joanni Baptistae.

Sanctis Apostolis.

Sanctis Apostolis.

Petro et Paulo.

If I looked like you,

I would shave my ass
and walk backwards.


Hey, Janine.

Oh, boy.

She's hot for me,
you know.

I made 30 cupcakes,
chocolate with vanilla icing.

Those are my

Hey, Janine.

Hey, if you go to Loews
next Saturday night,

why don't you come up
to the last row balcony?

What for?

I'll show you what for
when you get there.

Oh, yeah,
and after that,

we'll have to go
to confession, right?

I hope so.

Besides, you know
what the penance is

for getting felt up in Loews
last row balconies, don't you?

It's a rosary.

Shit, I could do a goddamn
rosary standing on my head.

You're nuts.

What about
my nuts?

This guy
is really sick.

It's true, Rooney.
You're really sick.

Hey, let me buy you a Coke
or something.

Oh, hot shit.

Hey, Saturday night, Janine,
last row balcony.

Hey, look at these guys.

Hey, kid, come here.

Come here, kid.

I'm not going to bite you.

I wouldn't count on it.

Here, hold this.

It's the St. Mary's fairy.

Come here, kid,
I want to tell you a secret.

Hey, let him go, Rooney,
and I'll give you a banana, huh?

Hey, shut up, faggot.

Quit blocking the stoop, dummy.

Hey, why don't you go play your
games someplace else, Rooney?

Hey, Danni, I want you
to meet the St. Mary's fairy.

Hey, what do you think?
She's cute, ain't she?

Let him go.

Hey, I think she
likes you, man.

I said let him go.

All right, Rooney,
no doggy biscuits.

Hey, look, kid, you keep
hanging out with that faggot,

you're going to start
thinking I'm pretty.

I told you he would
do something dumb.

You should have kicked him
in the balls.

That's what
I would have done.

You can sum up your experiences
with the Rooneys of this world

at that one moment

when you're gathering your books
from the floor.

Yeah, where's your books?

I carry my assignments
like this.

Otherwise, I'd end up
on my knees like you.

Don't worry
about a thing, Dunn.

I'll have you caught up
with your work in no time.


Listen, why do you let him
call you a faggot?

Let me tell you something
about Rooney.

He's just projecting his doubts
about his own sexuality.

It's typical.

Oh, Christ.

There's no toilet paper.

Hey, Williams, is that you?


Do you have any toilet paper
in there?


Dunn, will you check
the other stall?



Look, you better run,
or you'll be late.

What about you?

I'll work something out.

Would you pass up your homework
assignments, please?

Brother Timothy will be
observing class today.

Take a seat
in the back, Brother.

All right,
let's get started, please.

You're late, Caesar.

Yes, Brother.

Next time,
try running.

Yes, Brother.

One demerit.

Do you have your
homework assignment?

No, Brother.

You didn't do your
homework assignment?

I did my homework assignment,

I just misplaced it.

No homework assignment?

Two demerits.

Sit down.

Sue that janitor.

By nowyou should all have
a copy of David Copperfield.

Anyone who doesn't,
speak now--

You'll pay for that,

But, Brother,
my screws are gone.

Bring your desk up here, Mister.

Where are your screws, Caesar?

I have no idea,

All right, who did it?

Who took the screws?

On your knees, all of you.

And you will remain
on your knees

until the joker
comes forward.

I tried to warn you.

You, Mr. Dunn.

Stand up, please.

Perhaps you would care to share
your comments to Mr. Caesar

with the rest of the class.

I said I was sorry
I didn't tell him

that he didn't have any screws,

Come up here, Mr. Dunn.

Did you take Caesar's screws,
Mr. Dunn?

No, Brother.

Do you know who did?

No, Brother.

Mr. Dunn, there's something
you should know about me.

I'm not a man
who enjoys violence.

In fact, I find
I get much better results

when I use patience.

And this, Mr. Dunn,
is patience.

Now, I think you know
who took Caesar's screws

and to who you would
have to answer.

It's "to whom,"


It's "to whom,"

as in "to whom he would
have to answer."

Now, do you know to whom
you will have to answer

for interrupting?

To you, Brother.

Right again.

Hands and knees, Mr. Caesar,
up and down the aisle.

Let's hear it,
Mr. Caesar.

To whom, Brother.

To whom, Brother.

Mr. Dunn,
who took the screws?

I don't know, Brother.

Brother, maybe I should
come back some other time.

Oh, no, please stay.

I'm about to show you

how patience
triumphs over impudence.

To whom, Brother.

Hold out your hands,
please, Mr. Dunn.

To whom,

To whom, Brother.

Who took the screws?

Who took the screws?

Point him out,
Mr. Dunn.

All right, that's enough.

Well, Brother, is there anything
else you'd like to show me?

Paper says it may rain
this afternoon, Mr. Rooney.

Do you think Brother Paul
will call off track and field?

I don't know, Brother.


If he doesn't,
we'll be missed out there.

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Brother?

Yes, let's step outside.

Get off the wall, Mr. Dunn.

Keep an eye on those boys,

Dunn, how you doing?

Hey, look, man,
I really appreciate

the way you held out
for me like that.

I never expected you
to take so much.

Man, all I remember was
that look on Constance's face

when you jumped me.

That goddamn faggot,

He never expected you
to do something like that.

Oh, man, my goddamn arms
are killing me.

How about you?

Fuck this, man.

I'm putting my arms down
for a while.

Hey, so listen, Dunn.

After all this,
you won't have to hang out

with that faggot, Caesar,

I mean, you can hang out
with the regular guys.

You know what I mean?

Drop dead.

I thought I was going to learn
something about running a class.

But instead, I was offered
a demonstration in brutality.

The man seemed to be
enjoying himself, Brother.

That's a rather
slanderous thought, Brother,

one that really ought
to be kept to oneself.

Brother Constance
is an effective teacher,

one of the best we have.

I hear you,
Brother, but, uh--

But what?

We all come to the order
full of ideas.

But after a while,
we often find

that we have much
to learn ourselves.

In any event, authority
must never be undermined

by displays of dissention
among the faculty.

For the students' sake,
you understand.

No, I don't understand.

Then you should try to restrain
yourself until you do.

Hey, Dunn,
where you going?

I'm going home.

Hey, why don't you hang out
for a while?

Get lost, huh?

Hey, look, Dunn.

You jumped me
in front of everybody.

You made me look
pretty stupid.

I got to save face.

If I don't make you
my friend,

that means I got to kick
your ass every time I see you.

Now, nobody wants that
to happen, right?

So what do you say, huh?

Let's give it a try.

Come on.

You know, Dunn,
I always liked you.

Hey, Danni,
getting any lately?

come here a minute.

Williams has something
for you.

I got something
for him.

How's it hanging, Williams?

Hey, Rooney,
how's it going?

Hey, over here, Dunn.

I've got a sweeter song
than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'd say.

Hey, Danni.

Hey, where's your old man?

How come I haven't
seen him lately?

You want

Yeah, I want you, babe.

Order something
or get lost, okay?

All right,
get me a pack of Luckies

and a Coke
for my new friend here.

My treat.

Hey, Dunn, do not waste
your time with her.

She's just 100% frustrated

from spending all her time
with her old man.

I mean, she never made it
with nobody.

Not even me,
if you can believe that.

Don't choke on them.

Yeah, yeah,
hey, listen, Danni.

We're going to be starting the
school dances in a couple weeks.

How would you
like to go with me?


Not even if I get
my father's new car

and we went driving afterwards?

You don't even have
a license, Rooney.

So what's a license
got to do with it?

I can drive.

Hey, Danni, it's got electric
leather seats and windows.

What are you trying to do,
make me hysterical?


Thanks a lot, Dunn.


So how about it,
Danni, huh?

Electric leather seats.

I don't want to go
to no Catholic dance.

I ain't a Catholic.

And even if I was, I wouldn't go
with a jerk like you

even if you were bishop.

See, what did I tell you?
100% frustrated.

Rooney, my sick friend,
got a cigarette for me?

Hey, Janine.

How would you like
to go riding around with me

in my father's new car?

It depends on who's
doing the driving.

It's got electric leather seats
and windows, Janine.




Can I t a pack
of Chesterfields, please?


Got a light?

And Rooney--

Rooney, never gamble with what
you don't want to lose.

Hey, that's deep,

Yeah, well, I'm deep.

It's a raid!

Hey, where are you going?

That's my house
through there.

Nobody goes
through my house.


No, no, no, no, no.

You got me, Brother.

So what school
do you go to?

Aw, Christ.

Look at this.

If they'd just
leave us alone.

Listen, why don't you
just leave, okay?

Heads up.

I haven't been to school
this year yet.

I thought
they'd come after me.

But all they do
is send letters.

I don't think
they care that much.

Besides, I can learn
more than they can teach me

just from reading
on my own.

Maybe I'll go back someday.



You ain't like
those other jerks, are you?

I don't know.
I just got here.

Gentlemen, it pains me
to tell you this.

But of all the Basil boys
I've had in this room,

this is by far
the most physically unfit.

Therefore, in keeping with the
late great President Kennedy's

nationwide physical fitness

I have decided that,
starting today,

we'll put away
the things of our childhood

and begin the work of men.

The day is coming, gentlemen,
when you will be called upon

to defend this country
against the communists.

And when that--

And when that day comes,

you'd better be in better shape
than you are right now.

The communists
are fierce fighters,

fanatically dedicated
to their cause.

And do you know
what this cause is?

No, Brother.

Killing Catholics.

Hey, Caesar,
you have something up your nose?

Not anymore, Brother.

Well, how would you like
something up there

that you can't blow out?

Not really, Brother.

All right, men,
after swim class,

we will all assemble
in the gym

for a period
of severe calisthenics.

We'll put Constance
in the hospital

with this assignment,

He'll be asking religion,

and we'll be answering

What are you doing?


You want me to look up
something here or what?

Oh, go ahead
with what you're doing.

Do you know that daydreaming
relieves the unconscious?

It's a common activity
among geniuses.



It's also common among
schizophrenics and fools.

Speaking of fools,
what are you doing here?

Shut up, fathead.

I'm here to see Dunn.

What's the matter?

Thadeus took me off
track and field.


He heard me call Constance
a goddamn faggot

when we were kneeling
in his office.

I don't know how he did it,
but he heard me.

He's omniscient.

Yeah, his mother's
probably one too.

Anyway, he says I'm off
track and field

until I go apologize
to Constance.

So go apologize.

Oh, sure,
go tell Constance

I'm sorry I called him
a goddamn faggot.

He'll cream my face.

But without track and field,

my grades will be based
on my grades.

That means I'm going to be
in this goddamn school

for the rest of my goddamn life.


So what are you
going to do?

I'm going to study.

You think that's funny?

Caesar, why don't you
work with him?

Caesar doesn't work
with morons.

No, hey, Dunn, forget it.
I don't need any help.

Especially from a faggot
like him.

Why don't you just work
with each other?


Hey, Caesar.

Don't say nothing, man.

I don't want nobody
to know I'm here.

They might get
the wrong idea.

Hey, listen,
I think Dunn's right.

I think you should help me.

Hey, I'm not saying we have
to be friends or anything,

strictly business,
no strings attached.

Hey, maybe I could do something
for you too, anything.

I just can't afford
to get let back anymore.

I already got hair on my balls,

So what do you say, huh?

You going to help me or what?

Come on, please.

Hey, you can still be a faggot
as far as I'm concerned.

Please, Caesar, huh?

Corby, you can't tell him
you lied to your father.

He'll make you go back
and apologize to him.

Then he'll break
your goddamn legs.

Tell him it was a bus driver
you lied to,

you know, someone you're
never going to see again.


And what's this, huh?

You stole 22 times?

What the fuck are you,
a goddamn Jesse James?

And what did you steal?

He's going to want to know.

And he's going to tell you
to bring it all back.

Here, change this 22 to 2

and tell him it was
some food or something.

What if he wants me
to bring that back?

What, the crap?

And add three lies
to the others,

but don't tell him
it's him you were lying to.

You know,
like you forgot who it was,

then you're home free.

Yeah, but that still leaves me
with one lie.

Yeah, but it's
a beautiful trade-off.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been three months
since my last confession.

Go on.

I've lied three times.

I've been angry very often.

I've shown disrespect
to my elders several times.

Hey, Williams,
you got your list?


Let's take a look.

Jesus, you got here
you jerked off 168 times

and it's been one month
since your last confession.

That's an average of--

5.6 times a day.

Oh, my God.

You can't tell him that.

He'll cut your balls off.

Here, make this
three jerk offs.

Divide the rest into
impure thoughts and wet dreams.

And add another lie
to your list.


What kind of magazine?

Uh, one with pictures in it.

What kind of pictures?

Pictures of things,
uh, women, Father.

And what did you
think about

when you looked
at these pictures?

Think about?

Did you have
any thoughts?

Yes, Father.

What kind of thoughts?

Impure thoughts, Father.
I was coming to that sin.

When you had
these impure thoughts,

did you commit
impure acts?

Yes, Father, I was coming
to that sin also.

How often did you commit
these impure acts?

Oh, just once.

Just once?

You sure about that?

I want you to think
for a moment.

Yes, just once, Father.

When you committed
these impure acts,

did you do it alone
or with someone else?

Oh, no, alone,
always alone.


What happened
to just once?

Oh, I mean just once alone.

What's he going to confess?
Taking a shit?

What is taking so long?

Perrin's in there.

the Pervert?

Yeah, and Father Abruzzi.

Perrin the Pervert
and Impure Acts Abruzzi.

God, we're going to
be here all day.

I want you to throw
that magazine away.

I want you to give the money
back to your parents.

Oh, no, I can't.

You're going to have to.

For your penance,
say 6 Our Fathers

and 12 Hail Marys,

and I want you to say Rosary
every day for a week.

Can you remember all that?


Make an act
of contrition.

Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry
for having offended Thee,

and I detest all my sins

because I dread the loss
of Heaven and the pains of Hell

but most of all because
they offend Thee, my God,

who are all good and deserving
of all my love.



You little weasel.

I was only joking.

Come on, Father,
can't you take a joke?

Hey, I got an idea.

Keep an eye out
for Father Abruzzi.


Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been six weeks
since my last confession.

Go on, my son.

Father, I'd like to confess a
sin I thought I could live with.

But it's becoming a problem.

An impure act?

Something much worse.


Father, I entered
and, typically, won

an inter-borough
essay contest.

I accepted a nominal
cash prize,

and the article was published
in the community paper.

Big deal, my son.

Father, I failed to footnote
some of my sources.

Get to the sin,

Plagiarism, Father.

Alone or with someone else?

With a girl?

I did it myself.

Yeah, so?

if this is discovered,

it could someday keep me
out of Harvard.

And, Father, I was conceived
to go to Harvard.

All right, all right,
you are forgiven.

Do you have any other
good stuff,

impure thoughts,
desires, fantasies?

No, Father.


What kind of a faggot
are you, anyway?

Dominus vobiscum,

You're going to recite
one Our Father, one Hail Mary,

and you're going to help
your buddy, Ed Rooney,

get passing grades, or you can
kiss off Harvard, pal.

There is no God.

Hey, I'm telling you guys:

Fast dancing's
for faggots, man.

Girls fast dance
with their sisters.

I mean, think about it
for a second.

Her body, her soft, perfumed,
and powdered body

leaning against yours.

Her legs, her thighs,
moving against yours.

Her delicate,
perfectly formed knobs.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, and it's
all legal.

It is?


All right!

My name is Brother Timothy,
and I have been sentenced

to preside over this series
of dances.

First of all,
I'd like to welcome

the Virgin Martyr girls
and thank them for coming.

And I have a note to remind you

that there will be
a First Friday novena

this coming Friday.

And now let me introduce
to you Father Abruzzi,

who will be giving
the first talk.



Wait just a second,

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

As you know,
these dances are designed

to help you learn
to interact with one another

in a way befitting
young men and women

of a strong moral fiber.

You're all at an age now

when you're perhaps
beginning to notice

the difference
between the boys and the girls.

And just as she is

at every other important moment
of your life,

the Church
is here to guide you.

Many of you will be
experiencing certain feelings,

feelings which you might be
inclined to confuse with love.

But ladies and gentlemen,
never confuse love

with the deadliest
of the seven deadly sins.

Lust, ladies and gentlemen,

has undone and cast down
into the infernal fires of Hell

even the most advanced souls.

There is a beast living within
each and every one of you,

a filthy beast,
whose name is--


That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.

Lust is the beast within you,

the beast that wants
to consume you

and then spit you out
into the eternal fires of Hell,

where, for all eternity,

your flesh will be ripped from
your body by grotesque serpents

with razor-sharp teeth,

where, for all eternity,
your blood will boil,

your bones will burn,

and your marrow
will be reduced

to a putrid black slime!

And for what?

For a few moments
of weakness

that led you to admire the shape
of somebody's buttocks.

Any questions?

Very well, then.

Have a nice time.
Enjoy the dance.

And I'll see you all next week.

I did you wrong.

My heart went out to play.

But in the game,
I lost you.

What a price to pay.

I'm crying.

So how come you guys
aren't dancing?

Caesar doesn't dance.


Guys want anything?

Me? No thanks.

Caesar hardly walks.

What's your excuse?

I don't know,
waiting for inspiration.


Who from, the Holy Ghost?

Come on, it's a cinch.

You just walk up
to some girl you like,

you look her
in the eye,

say, "Excuse me,
but you want to dance?"

Works every time.


What if it doesn't?

Well, if it doesn't work,

then you got to start thinking
about joining a religious order.

Maybe I'll see you later.

Maybe you better
start dancing.

I'm just about
at the end of my rope.

But I can't stop trying.

I can't give up hope.

I'm dying.

Baby, baby.

Eight fingers,
there, Rooney.

Eight fingers.

Can you still get
your father's car, Rooney?

Sure, let's go.

No, wait, not now.
After the dance.

And I don't want
to go alone.

You're not going alone.

You're going with me.

I mean, we have to take Cathleen
with us.

What the hell for?

Because we came

All right,
I'll get Corby.

That slime?

All right, I got it.
I'll take Williams.

You're right.

Who then?
Give me a name.


Over there.

Who, him?

What, is she weird
or something?

I think she likes his brains.





Excuse me.
I was looking for Danni.

What the hell
are you doing here?

The door was open.
I was looking for you.

I guess I shouldn't have
just come on in, huh?

Damn straight you shouldn't
have just come in.

I'm sorry.
I just wanted to talk.

Get out of here, okay?


I just wanted to dance
with you.

You're still here?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You want to come in?

Nah, I'm going
to head home.

Come on.



Listen, I didn't mean
to yell at you like that.

And I'm sorry, okay?

Sure, don't worry
about it.

I just don't like nobody
going back there.

He's not always
like that.

My father,
he's not always like that.

It's just melancholia.


You know,
he's down in the dumps.

How come?

'Cause the woman
he loved

and loved him back

killed herself.

Your mother?

No, not her.

She's the reason
the woman killed herself.

You see, even though my father
loved this other woman,

he couldn't bring himself
to leave my mother.


Anyway, that's when my father
got melancholia.

And that got my mother
pretty mad,

'cause she knew why
he had melancholia,

so she left him.

How's that for a kick
in the head?


Yeah, God.

What's the matter?
You smoke or what?

What are you smoking
my cigarettes for?



What do you think
you're doing, Rooney?

Tonight's the night,

Tonight's the night
for what?

Hey, listen, uh,

Janine said she'd go
riding around with me

in my father's new car.

Tell her I can recommend
a good therapist.

Excuse me.

Well, listen, Cathleen
wants to go with you.

Forget it, Rooney.

Harvard, Caesar.

Look, Rooney, I'll help you
with your grades.

But do you think holding
that over my head

puts me at your beck and call
for life?


Thank you, God.

Are you sure this is okay?

Yeah, my father's in Chicago.

Pile in.

Get the fuck
in there.

Where's Janine
and Rooney?

What do you think
they're doing?

I don't even want
to think about it.

Where's Cathleen
and Caesar?

Oh, don't worry
about those faggots.

They can take care
of themselves.

Here, take some more.

Hey, take a little more.



It relaxes you.



You know, Janine.

I've waited a long time
for this.

I know you waited
a long time too.

I know you want it.

You won't regret this,

I swear you won't.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I really enjoyed that article
you had published in the paper.

Which one?

The one they gave you
the prize for.

Did you?

Yes, I thought it was
well-written, entertaining,

and extremely

Did you really?

Yes, and I especially liked

the way you detailed the split
between Freud and Jung.

I did do that rather well,
didn't I?

Well, you see,
Freud was sort of an asshole.

Well, I mean,
to reduce everything

that is longer than it is wide
to a penis is--

What's that?

It's a goddamn boat.

What the fuck
do you think it is?

What's that?

Don't you know anything?

It's a goddamn bridge
answering a goddamn boat.

Why would the bridge
be answering the boat?

So that the goddamn boat
knows that the goddamn bridge

knows that the goddamn boat
knows that the bridge

knows the boat
is coming through.


Fuck, my car.

open the fucking door.

There's a fucking
boat coming.

I ain't playing around.

Open the fucking door,

I'm going to be sick.

I don't care.
Open the fucking door.

What's wrong?

Rooney, what's wrong?

Rooney, what's wrong?

What's going on?

Get the fuck off me.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I can't find my goddamn keys.


Precious and warm a memory

through the years.

Oh, thank you, God.
Thank you.

I'll never forget you for this,

Oh, my God.

God, what are you doing?

You're fucking me up here, God.

Through the years.

And I still can see
blue velvet...

through my tears.

Blue velvet.

Fuckin' A, man.


Leave her alone,

Yeah, yeah,
hey, listen.

What happened
to you?

My father just got back
from Chicago.

Hey, listen,
I just found out,

if you get the Pope to wave
at you when you're together,

that means you can have sex
without sin.

Your ass.

No, really, because then
you're as good as married

in the eyes of the church.

I mean, why do you think
all those Italian guys

always cheer every time
he waves at them.

Up yours, Rooney.

And get your stupid face
away from me.

Hey, see you later,

What are we going to do,
sit here all day?

You kidding?

This is Thadeus' idea
of a good time.

Yeah, well, the Thad
wouldn't know a good time

if it slid up his leg
and bit him on the patoingas.

Where's Rooney?

I don't know,

Where's Dunn?

Don't worry.

Those faggots are never
going to know we're missing.

What did they do to Elvis,
cut his balls off or something?

Now that we are one.


Are you familiar
with the word miserable?

Well, you will be,

because miserable
is what I am going to make

your miserable lives
every miserable minute

of every miserable day

from now until Easter.

Am I making myself

Yes, Brother.

Yes, Brother what?

Yes, Brother, miserable,

What does that faggot Constance
have us using these things for?

Because he is a sick man.

He is sick if he thinks I'm
going to do this every Sunday.

I got better things to do
on my Sundays.

Yeah, like taking a drive
in the Gowanus Canal.

Man, it looks like every bird
in Brooklyn took a dump on him.

Of all the places
there are to drop turds,

I wonder why they all
pick on the Bas'.

Think about it,
all right?

But work while you
thk about it.

There's the pitch.

You know,
I can't figure out

how a guy like you
ever became a Brother.

What do you mean,
a guy like me?

Take a look around.

There's all kinds
of different guys here.

What's wrong with me?

I don't know.

I just can't figure it out
is all.

Well, a lot of people
can't figure it out.

My brother was supposed to be
the one with the vocation.

Me, they had me written off
as the bum.

But here I am,
wearing a robe,

bouncing a ball
on the steps of the rectory.

Is your brother a bum?

Sort of.

He sells life insurance
down in Maryland.

Come on.

Yeah, everybody's got it
all figured out for me too.

Ever since I was a kid,

they've been telling me
I'm going to be a priest.

If my grandmother has her way,
I'll be Pope.

Just be sure to remember
all us little guys down here

when you're up there
in the Vatican.

So you're a working girl,
too, eh?

Isn't that nice, now?

Isn't that nice,

Pass the potatoes.

Michael's going to be a priest.


Your grandparents
seem like nice people.

Yeah, my grandma's not used
to having kids around,

so it's weird for her.

She's all right.

You're going to be
a priest, huh?

Why, you want my blessing?


There's my bus.


Uh, listen, you still want
to dance with me?


Okay, someday,
when the weather breaks,

I'll take you down to the beach,
to the Bop House.

Great, I don't dance
too good.

I'll teach you how to dance,
Father Michael.

Aw, fuck.

Dunn, this is the greatest day
of my life.

Hey, Willie.

Give me some change?

How's it going?

Ah, spring has sprung.

Got a good summer coming too.
Good summer coming.

Hey, how about you?

You being good?


You better.

Friend of yours?


Kind of dead
around here now.

In a couple weeks,
it'll be jumping

with every party-head
in Brooklyn.

That's okay.

I'm not too crazy
about crowds.

Yeah, but on summer nights,
with the lights and stuff,

people dancing, it's like
a whole other planet,

whole other weird,
fantastic planet.

I've been loving you

too long

to stop now.

You are tired.

You want to be free.

My love is growing stronger.

as you become a habit to me.

Ooh, I've been loving you

a little too long.

I don't wanna stop now.

With you, my life

has been so wonderful.

I can't stop now.

You know, lots of times,
when you're with somebody,

you feel like you've always
got to talk to them,

you know, I mean,
always be saying something,

or it starts
getting embarrassing.

You know?

I don't feel that way
with you, though.

I feel like I don't have
to talk, and it's all right.

You know what I mean?



Got something for you.


Special rock.

What's so special
about it?

What's special
about it is,

if you have a wish
you want to come true,

you take that rock
and throw it as far as you can

into the ocean,
and it will come true.


I don't know.

That's great.


Got something for you.

It's a hubcap,
'56 Chevy.

Keep it.



Let's get in.

It's getting wet.

Come on.

I don't want to stop now.

Don't make me stop now.

Oh, baby.

I'm down on my knees.

don't make me stop now.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you
with all of my heart.

And I can't stop now.

Please, please, please,

don't make me stop now,

good God almighty.

My heart and soul,
I love you.

I love you.
I love you.

I love you.

Good God Almighty,
I love you.

Hi, Boo.

Did you see Grandma?

She waited up for you.

Yeah, I saw her.

She's going to set herself
on fire one of these days.

Where were you?


Out with that girl?


Do you like her?


Do you love her?

None of your business.

Come on, get out of here.
I'm tired.

It's not my fault
you're tired.

You're tired because you were
out all night with that girl.

And you were out
all night with her

because you do love her.

And you're all wet.

Michael, you're not
going to leave me, are you?

Of course not.

What are you
talking about?

You're going to go away
with that girl

and leave me here
with Grandma and Grandpa.

Are you going to leave me,


I'm not going to leave you.

"In that high place
in the darkness,

"the two oddly sensitive
human atoms

"held each other tightly
and waited.

"The mind of each
was the same thought.

"'I've come
to this lonely place,

and here's this other.'"

I like the part about the two
oddly sensitive human atoms.

You want me to stop?

all right.

Got it.

I cannot work
in this madhouse anymore.

And your book report doesn't
sound like David Copperfield.

Hey, you know,

I think something's going on
with those two over there.

Never mind that.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you keep referring
to W.C. Fields?

Because he was in it.

In what?

In the goddamn movie, stupid.

You got a couple
of smokes?

Why me, Lord?

Hey, look,
it's not my fault

you don't know
who W.C. Field is, all right?

Hey, get your own, huh?

Look, I know who
W.C. Fields is.

Who'd he play in the movie?

Hold on.
Let me check my notes.

See, here he is.

He's the guy
with the hat.

Only they fucked up,

because he don't look
like W.C. Fields at all.

Too skinny.

I'll write you a one-
and two-syllable version

of my own report.

You can sign your name
on it later.

Yeah, but that's cheating.

The shitheads are coming!

They're taking names!

Oh, Margaret.

You're creating a famine down
at the other end of the table.

I don't know who's responsible
for this girl.

But I think the social
welfare people

will find this a very
interesting situation.

She is a juvenile

She should be arrested and that
whole place closed down.

Don't you think
that's a little extreme?

Oh, I forgot.

Brother Timothy's
favorite hangout.

We have a responsibility
to take some action here.

That girl's undermining
everything we try to do.

If I were the headmaster--

If you were headmaster,

you'd probably call out
the National Guard.

But at the moment,
I'm headmaster.

And at the moment,

the headmaster is trying
to enjoy his dinner.

Where has all the bread gone?

Ask Brother Dominic
where the bread went.

Brother Dominic.

Where has all the bread gone?

Oh, would you be kind enough
to pass this down

to Brother Thadeus,
with my compliments.

He buttered it too.

I've noticed a marked
improvement in most of the work.

And in some cases,
a miraculous recovery.


Yahoo, Mr. Rooney?

Certainly your grades indicate
that you have the ability

to succeed if you'll just
apply yourself.

But let's save the yahoos

until we see how well you do
in your other subjects.

A minus, Brother?

I found your assertion
that Charles Dickens

was a paranoid schizophrenic
slightly hard to swallow.

Not to mention

A minus.

What is this school
coming to?

Hey, look, if you need some help
on your next paper,

hey, what are friends for?

Hey, Dunn,
where you going?

Okay, step aside here.

We're all set.

We'll make arrangements
with your mother

to have the inventory
accounted for.

They made this happen,
didn't they?

Nobody made this happen.

I just don't want you
to be sad.

Because I'm not.



We have to go.

Hey, listen, um, I'm glad
I got to dance with you.

Don't worry, Dunn.
We'll find her.

I can't believe
you talked me into this.

First thing in the morning,
I'm having my head examined.

Hey, shut up.

We're doing it for Dunn.

In the morning,

you're going to be glad
you did it.

You're going to feel
like a man.

God, who has given you

the opportunity
for eternal life,

has given you this life
on Earth, this finite life,

this life
with a beginning and an end

that is measured out
in increments of time.


Time is a medium of exchange.

You can use it.

You can purchase things
with it.

So don't waste your time
when you're out of school.

Whether it be the Easter recess
or the summer vacation,

make it a point
to spend your time fruitfully.

Hey, he's talking to you,
get it?


Time will give back to you

what you've given to it.

It will make better men
out of you.

It's time
to cheer up Dunn.

Don't take that out now,

Shut up.

Dunn, I got a little present
here for you,

just a little something to put
the smile back on your face.

You think now that
you know everything.

But what is ahead for you
is extraordinary.

And remember, whether you are
in school or out of school,

you are representatives...

Of St. Basil's.

You and you and you

and you and you.

Let's go.

And you are charged with
upholding the moral character--

Let's go.

identified with this school.

That's far enough.

Against the wall, please,

You, too, Rooney.

Make yourselves comfortable,

Is he gone?

I think that faggot
figured out who did it.

Oh, what gives you
that idea?

What are you
going to tell him?

Oh, let's see.

You're sitting
in the assembly

with a saint's head
in your lap.

Tell him you found it
in a box of Cracker Jacks.

No, that's no good.

We've got to think of something
better than that.

Hey, Williams,
what are you doing?

Corby, shut up.

Williams is playing
with himself in here.

All right, I got it, listen.

This is what we'll tell him
when he comes back.

We'll tell him--

we'll tell him
we don't know

what the fuck
he's talking about.

How is he going to argue
with that?

Come on, Caesar.
We're going to get killed.

I've got a note.

Well, sure,
listen to him.

He's got a goddamn note.

What about
the rest of us, huh?

We're all in this together,
you know.

Hey, Dunn,
where are you?

Right here.

Hey, Dunn, we did it for you,
you know.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I will appeal to him
as one human being to another.

I'll reason with him.

Oh, sure, you're going to reason
with a grown man in a dress?

Come with me, please.

That's far enough.

Thank you, Brother.

Gentlemen, we will dispense

with the traditional
accusation-denial ritual.

It's such a bore

and not likely to convince me

that I don't have before me,
right now,

at least one, if not all,
of the vandals.

since I'm a just man

with no taste
for punishing the innocent,

I will afford the guilty
the opportunity to speak now

and to save the innocent

from an impending
state of wretchedness.


Could you repeat that,

Shut up.

All right,
who did it?

Speak now, or you will
all suffer for it.

I did.

Mr. Dunn.

He didn't
do it.

did it.

What do you mean,
I did it?

Corbet did it.

No, it was Caesar's idea
to take the head off.

All right.

All right,
that's enough!

Have it your own way,

Mr. Corbet, you will approach
the horse, please.

Gentlemen, will you
turn around, please?

Mr. Williams.

Mr. Caesar.

Brother, I'm exempt
from this sort of discipline.

The famous note.

I see you've had it

To protect it.

Very good, I'll return it to you
when we finish.

Please, Brother,

can't we work out
another punitive plan, please?

Please, Brother, please.
This is barbaric.

Who are you calling barbaric?

You leave him alone.


Holy shit.

Come on,

Never let it be said

that one of our boys performed
less than admirably

on any occasion

or displayed anything less

than the most noble character
in so doing.

Let's go.

I said let's go.

What is this?

It's quite all right, Brother.
Everything's under control.


This impudent

piece of--

They should be expelled.

In the real world,
they'd be charged with assault.

In the real world, they'd have
a case for self-defense.

I think expulsion
is justified here.

No one cares
what you think.

Fetch the boys in here.

Those kids
are our responsibility.

No one need remind me of
our responsibilities, Brother.

Can you gentlemen
give me a good reason

why you shouldn't
be expelled?

It's my fault, Brother.

I'm the one
who should be expelled.

You all acted as one,
Mr. Dunn.

And as one, you shall bear
the consequences.

Yes, Brother,
but I started it.

Did you?

As I understand it,
Brother Constance started it.


I'm suspending you
for two weeks.

Good day, gentlemen.

What do you mean,
I started it?

They assaulted
the faculty.

They have disgraced
this institution.

And they destroyed
a statue of St. Basil.

I always hated that statue.

What is this?

I'm having you transferred
out of the school.

I don't want you working
with children anymore.

You can't do this.

I will demand an investigation.

I'll take this

all the way to the bishop
if I have to.

Take it wherever you want,

Just take it
out of my office.

It appears we have a vacancy,

You think you can fit in?

I think so, Brother.

I can't tell my father
I'm suspended.

I'll have to leave the house
every morning

and pretend
I'm going to school.

Yeah, so what else
is new?

I'll never,
ever get into Harvard now.

I'll have to settle
for Queens College.

Well, you should feel right
at home at Queens College.

Guess this means
I can't be Pope.

Not unless you have three
miracles to your credit.

I can't believe we're not going
to be in this place

for two weeks.


And it's one for the money,
two for the show--

In 1966, everybody graduated
from St. Basil's.

Except me.

Caesar went on to graduate
with honors from Queens College

and became a podometrist

or a psychiatrist
or some fag job like that.

Williams got a job
as a projectionist

at the Peek-a-Boob Theater
in Times Square.

Corbet married Janine.

Imagine, a turd like him.

They have six kids.

I heard Dunn and Danni
ran into each other at Woodstock

at Max What-His-Face's farm,

where 1/2 million faggots
stood in the rain

for three days
with no clothes on.

Me, I went to beautician school,

where everybody graduated
except me,

but I got a job
as a shampoo boy

at Maricia's House of Hair
in Bensonhurst.

The hours suck,
the pay sucks,

I'm surrounded by funny guys,

but the tips are great.

Thank you, God.

2004 Home Box Office, Inc.

Well, you can do anything.

But lay
off my blue suede shoes.

Rock it!

Well, it's one
for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready.

Now go, go, go.

But don't you
step on my blue suede shoes.

Well, you can do anything.

But lay off
of my blue suede shoes.

Let's go, cats.

You can burn my house,

steal my car,

drink my liquor
from an old fruit jar.

Do anything
that you want to do,

but uh-uh, honey,
lay off of my shoes.

Don't you
step on my blue suede shoes.

You can do anything,

but lay off
of my blue suede shoes.

Rock it.