Heartbreakers (2001) - full transcript

Do you, Angela Nardino...

take Dean Cumanno as your

lawfully wedded husband...

to love, honor, and obey

till death do you part?

I do.

Out of the tree of life,

I just picked me a plum

You came along,

and everything started to hum

You happy, Baby?

I am so happy.

It's beautiful, Dean.

It's everything

I ever wanted.

Yeah?

Like the song says,

"The best is yet to come."

The honeymoon.

Oh, you got a little

bit of cake right...

I think we've put in enough of

an appearance here, don't you?

Come on, let's go.

I believe it's tradition

for the best man to dance...

with the beautiful bride.

Piss off, Leo.

Dean, you can't be

rude to your friends.

I'd love to dance with you.

The best is yet to come,

come the day you're mine

Come fly with me,

let's fly, let's fly away

Just say the words,

and we'll beat the birds

Down to Acapulco Bay

It's perfect for

a flying honeymoon

They say, come fly with me,

let's fly, let's fly away

Congratulations, man.

She's great.

I love your friends.

That's the busboy, honey.

Wow.

You even got me great busboys.

Now let's have one more

dance with the bride and groom.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Are you still nervous?

No.

And thank you for respecting

my religious beliefs.

-I'm really ready now.

-Thank you, God!

I'm ready to do things to you...

that no woman has

ever done before.

How about a...

Oh.

Here it is.

Oh, it's so...

tasteful.

Oh, my God.

That's how much

I love you, baby.

You must love me...

a lot.

Take me, Dean.

Don't tease me.

I'm not...

Not a big fan

of this material.

Oh.

Angela?

Angela!

Oh, no.

Don't do this to me, Angela.

Welcome back.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Not a whole hell of a lot.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

Our wedding night?

Oh, I am a bad wife.

No.

No, no, no.

I do got some frostbite

in some very weird places.

Oh--

You've got your whole

life to make it up to me.

And I'm going

to start right now.

Yeah? OK.

Oh!

Ohhh!

Oh, my God,

I'm going to be sick.

Just give me a minute, baby.

I'll be right back.

No, no, no.

There's no rush.

No rush.

Look, I got to stop

by the office...

before we leave

for Barbados any way.

That'll give you some

time to freshen up.

Let me give you

a quick kiss good-bye.

No! No, no, no.

That's OK, that's OK.

I--I'm late.

I'll see you in

an hour, maybe two.

Here. Put it

over here on the rack.

Hey! What the--?

-Nice security.

-Sorry, boss.

I--I went to bed

late last night.

But nothing

compared to you, huh?

Yeah. Is the Mercedes ready?

Yeah, yeah, just about.

We switched the VIN,

and Wendy's making...

the pink slip for

you to sign up there.

All right.

That's a great

wedding present, boss.

Angela's going to go

nuts for it, huh?

Maybe not as nuts as

she went last night, huh?

Huh?

Hey, boss, was

she worth the wait?

Come on--

Hey, hey, hey!

We're talking

about my wife here.

A man's wedding night is his

own private, sacred business.

It's not to entertain

lowlife scum like youse guys.

Angela's got

to be an animal.

Hey, he's even

walking funny, huh?

Hey, back to work, all right.

The break is over,

guys, come on.

Oh! Congratulations, Mr. C.

I heard the wedding

was awesome.

I'm almost through with

the docs on the Mercedes.

Oh, thanks, Wendy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

You need to sign

here and I think...

here.

Is it hard?

What?

Getting married.

I mean, I haven't

been here that long...

but I've already

heard tons of stories...

about you and women.

Yeah, well.

Those days are all over, Wendy.

Forever.

Thank you.

Ah, damn it.

Here. Let me help you.

Mr. Cumanno.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Wendy.

I--I'm so sorry,

I'm just nuts today.

I can't,

I can't, I can't.

I'm married, Wendy...

I'm married.

I can't.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Screw it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. OK, OK.

Oh, my God.

Thanks.

Is that frostbite?

I'm fine. It's fine.

Piss off,

I'm working here.

Baby, it's me.

Shit. Get out.

Take the back stairs.

I can't.

My hair is stuck.

What?

-Dean.

-Honey.

Ahh, ha, hi.

I was feeling

so much better...

I couldn't

wait to pick up...

where we left off.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

You know what?

I'm just going

to finish up here.

I'll meet you outside

in a sex--a sec.

OK.

I love you.

Oh.

I love you, too.

You look pretty.

Come on.

Come on. Ow.

Get out.

Not so fast.

You are not

welcome down there.

Get up.

I'm trying.

I can't

believe that Mercedes...

Dean.

Honey, honey, this

isn't what it looks like.

I--I swear her hair

got stuck in my zipper.

I--I--I wasn't getting nothing.

17 hours we have

been married.

17 hours!

The happiest

17 hours of my life.

You just lost the best

thing you'd ever had.

Angela, wait.

She seems...

nice.

My client has agreed,

against my advice...

to settle for

a one-time cash payment.

$300,000.

For one day?

One horribly traumatic day

in which my client suffered...

irreparable psychological

damage to her self-esteem.

Oh, and she keeps

the Mercedes.

What?

Bullshit.

Well, we could drag this

before a judge...

if you think that

would be more favorable.

That would put your client's

business under scrutiny.

What was it again, Mr. Cumanno?

Random repossessions?

Give her what she wants.

I can't believe you

wore the grey dress.

I distinctly said the blue.

-It worked, didn't it?

-You were lucky.

I was good.

Excuse me.

I wonder if I could ask

your help for a moment.

I'm trying to find Route 40.

Route 40?

Well, you're on it.

That's it.

What?

Where is it?

There. See that black thing...

with the lines on it,

the cars going?

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know

where it was.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Sorry to trouble you.

It's OK.

Forget it.

You're not going

to kill yourself...

and stink up my new car.

Our new car.

Hey! Mom.

I only do these things

because I love you, Page.

How was the wedding?

Beautiful.

Like all my weddings.

Have you any idea

what that meat...

is doing to your arteries?

Haven't you heard?

Cigarettes

dissolve cholesterol.

No cards, Page.

This is a classy place.

It relaxes me.

So? How did we do?

Not too bad.

How not too bad?

About 80.

Plus the car.

That's it?

For that I lived 4 months in

a crap hotel without cable?

Ugh, I'm so sick of this

small-time bullshit.

Plus, I had to kiss

that greasy mook.

Dean wasn't so bad.

Any way, we?ll make more

in the next one.

I'm thinking Seattle.

Maybe San Francisco.

Mom, remember our deal?

OK, there is no next one.

This is it.

I'm going solo.

Oh, here we go--

It's happening, Mom.

Accept it, embrace it, OK?

I am old enough

to be on my own.

You have no idea what it's like

to be all alone.

I'll tell you exactly

what's going to happen.

You'll go off,

you'll get lonely.

Some moron hunk will come along,

you'll think it's true love.

You'd never been so sure

of anything in your life.

And then, bam.

He will pull a

conceive and leave...

and then it's my

life all over again.

Mom, I am not that stupid.

You know what I mean.

Well, you?re right.

I was stupid.

And it left me

pregnant and alone.

If Barbara hadn't taken me in

and shown me the con--

And you taught me.

OK? I'll be fine.

OK. Fine.

If you've made up your mind...

we will go to New York

and divide up everything.

I'll get the check.

Oh, my Lord!

Eww.

What seems to be

the problem, madam?

Well, I was just about

to take a bite...

and I saw glass. Look.

I am so sorry, ma'am.

This has never happened.

Of course your meal

is, uh, complimentary.

Armando, a bottle

of wine, quickly.

Perhaps a '69 Merlot.

Those shoes

are so wrong for this.

Thanks.

I don't understand

the problem, Philip.

We deposit our money...

and you give it back

when we say so.

I'm afraid it's not that

simple, Ms. Conners.

Hello.

I'm Gloria Vogal.

I.R.S.

Hello.

Oh, I see you've

heard of us.

I'm surprised because

we so seldom hear from you.

Well, I suppose

I might be a little late...

with this year's return.

Maybe even the last 7.

Mother, I'm stunned.

I had no idea you would

evade your responsibilities...

as a U.S. Citizen.

Shut up, Miss Conners.

We've never seen

a dime from you, either.

Look, I know

what must have happened.

You see, I always

assumed that my returns...

were filed by my husband.

Oh...

which one?

Look, just because

I've had some trouble...

with my personal

relationships--

Ms. Conners...

how you earn your money is

of no interest to the I.R.S.

Now, how can I put this in

language you'll understand?

We just want our cut.

How much?

With interest and penalties,

the total comes to $247,811.

What?

Oh, no, no,

no, no, no.

Ha ha! I'm afraid

that amount is in addition...

to what used to be

in your accounts.

Your latest divorce settlement

arrived this morning.

Thanks.

But that's everything.

It's not all bad.

We give you a full

90 days to pay.

Or...

we move forward

with criminal charges...

for felony tax

evasion and fraud.

Good luck.

Here's the last of our cash.

1,150...

1,170...

1,190.

That's $1,300 each.

Wow. Have a nice life

with that, Princess.

-I'll economize.

-Sure.

You can do your own hair,

your own nails.

They actually have some

great shoes at Wal-Mart.

Ugh! All right.

One more con,

but only if we do it right.

What does that mean?

It means no more

small-time crap.

It has to be big.

One big final score

to pay off the l.R.S...

and set me up on my own.

What are you talking about?

Palm Beach.

Palm Beach?

Forget it.

People that rich are

already suspicious.

It's too hard to play.

Palm Beach or nothing.

Too expensive.

Let's find something else.

I am home.

Now, what?s the best way

to get a room?

I was thinking

the Trogdon Triangle.

Right. But where are

we going to find...

a trumpet and a talking parrot?

I was thinking of

something simple, traditional.

The Flopper Diver.

No way am l--

Oh!

Oh, my God.

She's cracked

her head open.

Oh, darling!

Oh, careful!

You may be paralyzed.

Call a doctor.

But I'm--I'm sure

she'll be fine.

I think I'm--

Just please let me know if

there's anything else we can do.

Well, you might consider

investing in a mop.

Once again, I apologize.

Now, since we seem...

to have lost your reservation...

we can only let you have

this suite for one night.

Aah!

Uh, then I'm sure we

can work something out.

Could everyone please

just let her rest now?

Yeah. Hey!

Don't you ever flop me

without my consent.

Oh! It had to look

real, Sweetheart.

You fall lousy when

you know it's coming.

I fall fine!

Fake.

Oh, shut up!

Hey! Oh, no!

Cheat!

No, stop!

Hey, boss, just got

3 Camrys in--cherry.

Parts will bring

100 thou easy.

Great.

And the change of

title came through...

on the Mercedes.

You have to sign.

That bitch.

You know, this is,

like,the eighth frame...

we've gone through

in a week.

Maybe it's time

to retire this picture.

Why the hell can't I stop

thinking about her?

Was it the legs?

She had amazing legs.

Give me that!

Or maybe it was

that she dumped you...

'cause that's never

happened before.

Yeah...yeah.

Who the hell does

she think she is?

She thinks she can do this

to me and just walk out?

Well, she's wrong!

I'm gonna find her.

And then?

Then I'm gonna take care of it.

Dr. Arnold Davis.

Made huge money

when an old uncle died...

45, pretty good shape.

Who's the old bag?

His mom.

She lives with him.

Forget it. He's taken.

Mama's boy.

We can get around her.

Pass. Mothers are death.

Can't argue that.

David D. Cummings...

760 million.

E-commerce stuff...

just ended

marriage number 3.

Downside?

Very big on ironclad prenups...

and as you can see,

massive competition.

We could handle him.

We'd have to be into

a group kind of thing.

Menage attrois?

Try menage a cinq.

Ew. Pass.

Wow. William B. Tensy.

C.E.O. of Tensy Tobacco.

Old money, but also

just plain old.

How much?

3 billion with a few

million more every day.

Hmm...

Not " hmm." I am not

dating the walking dead.

Page, the older the better.

With luck they die

right after the wedding...

and then you're

talking widow money.

I'd have to kiss that?

Well, I'd have to kiss

that way more than you.

Well, maybe you're

into necrophilia.

We'd better work fast.

Why for once can't

we pick someone...

who's just a little bit cute?

Dean was kind of cute.

You're in serious denial.

Cute is dangerous.

Cute leads to feeling,

which leads to screwing...

which leads to screwed.

I know that we can make that

doctor and his mom work for us.

Page, we?re going with

Tensy, and that's that.

That is not that.

Look, if you want to go

with Tensy, go with Tensy.

I'm working Davis.

Page, I've told you before,

no simultaneous cons.

Too many angles.

They always go bad.

Yeah, but it's not

just that, is it?

What?

You don't think I can be

the primary, do you?

I didn't say that.

Although it does take

an enormous amount of skill.

I can make men do anything.

Boys. You can make

boys do anything.

Gas station attendants,

bartenders...

the occasional migrant worker...

a one-shot seduction

is child's play...

compared to getting someone

to marry you in 3 months.

4 months.

What?

Well, it took you

4 months this time.

You used to be

able to do it in 3.

What are you saying?

That I'm losing it?

I'm getting too old?

I didn't say that.

I'm in terrific shape.

Feel my butt.

Ugh. I am not feeling

your butt again, Mother.

We all know it's wonderful.

I'll tell you what.

We'll play for it.

Winner picks the mark.

Great.

We'll cut cards.

Right. I'm gonna

trust your cards?

See that guy

over there at the bar?

First one to get him

to buy her a drink wins.

Deal.

Hi.

Hot.

Yeah, sure is.

Oh!

Let me get that for you.

Oh, my!

Would you?

Sure.

Oh, you're so kind.

I'm Betty.

-Hi. My name--

-Excuse me...

may I grab your nuts?

Mmm.

Salty.

Are you OK?

Can I get you a drink?

We go with Tensy.

Stupid jerk!

He doesn't look so bad--

in this light.

Yeah, his liver spots

are positively glowing.

All right, let's run

through it one more time.

I know what to do.

Got a light?

Yeah.

Your trash is on fire.

Holy shit!

Set.

Good. Now stay by the phone.

Timing on this is crucial.

Duh!

Always treating me like a child.

Child!

Excuse me, sir,

but smoking is not permitted.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Nazi.

Oh!

Pardon me.

Is no crime.

OK, Dr. Davis, let's see

where you're going tonight.

Good start, Page.

Crap!

Davis residence.

Yeah, Arnold Davis, please.

I'm sorry, he's just left.

Oh, no. This is--

He left me a message.

I'm supposed

to meet him tonight--

I can't read

my maid's handwriting--

Who is this?

This is--

Stupid cell phone.

Mrs. Whiler?

Right. Right.

This is Mrs. Whiler.

I believe he said the Glades.

Right. And that's on?

I think it's on

the far end of Ocean.

Great. Cutting out. Thank--

Hi. Can I get you a drink?

Wow. I've never heard

that one before.

You really blow me away

with your creativity.

-Well, l--

-Well, l...

Your recovery is even better.

Do you even care

at all who I am?

I mean, I could be

the Antichrist or have...

the intelligence of a thermos,

but unfortunately...

those are not the matters

the male penis ponders.

So, please, tell me...

why did you walk

all the way over here...

to ask to get me a drink?

Well, because I'm the bartender.

Oh.

Martini, very dry.

Sure.

Our next item is

an exquisite piece...

from the Kerner estate...

a stunning work

by Feodor Tergeniev...

entitled Form in Repose.

I'm looking for

an opening bid of 130,000.

130.

Very good. I have 130.

Do I hear 140?

140.

Thank you.

Do I hear 150?

150,000.

160.

I am offer 170.

175.

Was that 175, sir?

I'll take that.

175,000.

180.

I have 180.

Do I hear 190?

Do I hear 190?

I really must hear a number

or see a paddle, sir.

I think he--

Yes, ma'am,

I have your bid.

It's to you

at $180,000.

Going once...

twice...

sold--

to the persistent

woman on my right.

Thanks.

You did good.

Bye.

Uh, that's $3.50.

I'll flip you for it.

Call it.

-No, we don't really--

-Call it!

Tails.

Heads. Oh, too bad.

Thanks.

Well, Jack, looks like

she got a free drink...

and one of your balls.

Nah, I just think she's

nervous being on her own.

Oh, yeah.

She's a delicate flower.

Oh, wait!

I think I see crack.

-That's just his butt, lady.

-Let me see.

Hmm.

Hmm. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

Looks good.

From where I'm standing...

hmm.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

What, what?

What is the matter?

My--my beautiful man.

He ruined.

Ruined!

I'm sure we can have

this expertly repaired.

No. Man thing off,

deal off.

What good is to me now?

He has no " pipiska."

Mother, did you have any

trouble finding the place?

This is beyond civilization.

It was impossible

to find.

Son of a bitch!

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Get away from him!

Get away!

I told you it was dangerous to

come to these low-class bars.

It stings, Mama.

It stings so bad.

Oh, mother will help you.

The retina is detached.

I know it! Ow!

Are you OK now?

Yes. You idi--

" Idi" what?

Yeah.

Subject is en route.

He'll pass the checkpoint

in 10 minutes.

Everything set?

Yeah. Of course.

What's wrong, Page?

Mother can tell

something's wrong.

Mother knows nothing.

I'm following

right behind him...

so be sure

to remove the spikes.

And he mustn't see you.

He must think no one else

is around so we can bond.

I know, I know.

You're driving me crazy.

Well, you?re driving me crazy.

Well, that answers

the question of whether...

you're already

in a relationship.

Since you can't seem

to read my subtle signals...

I'll help you out.

Piss off!

Everyone is a little

irritable after they choke.

Two headlights.

That's not him. Crap.

That was wrong

on so many levels.

-You!

-What happened?

What are you doing here?

-I followed you.

-More like stalked me.

Listen, mouth breather,

I am fully capable...

and really in the mood

to kick the shit out of...

your psychotic, skulking ass.

Does this look familiar?

Might be mine.

Well, if you're not sure...

Thanks! Now go.

Look, my car doesn't drive

so good with a tree in it.

What a baby!

It's a flat. I'll fix it.

Wait, first we better go clear

that stuff out of the road.

Another car could--

No! I'll do it.

Just get the spare.

Now!

Look, I'm willing to explore...

the whole being

dominated thing, OK?

But let's just take it slow.

-Uh-oh!

-Watch out!

Oh!

Oh!

What did you push me for?

I saved you, you moron.

That can't be good.

I'd better check it out.

Oh, wait, wait!

I'm hurt.

No, you?re not.

Nothing could hurt you.

Are you calling me a liar?

All right,

where are you hurt, then?

My ankle.

See?

What the hell?

Perfect.

Oh!

No!

Jeez, they're really

piling up up there.

My ankle.

Your ankle is fine.

I'm going.

Are you mixing medications?

You're ruining the magic, idiot.

I'm much sorry.

Must be glass in road.

Ah, the statue stealer.

Why is it whenever I see you...

things seem to be

going into the crapper?

You have head injury.

I rush you to hospital.

No, no, no.

I don't. No. No.

The police will

be along shortly...

and they'll sort this out.

Ooh!

See?

Delayed shooting head pains.

Come. To hospital we go.

What about your car?

You have flat tires.

Oh, is nothing.

Ooh.

What the hell are you doing?

Get off me!

What?

-You were the one who...

-I got to go.

How do I look?

If I were a guy, I'd do you.

You're sweet.

I'm going back to the hospital

to see if I can fix...

the mess you made last night.

With that on,

he'll forgive anything.

He better...

for your sake.

Be nice or I won't tell you

which eye looks bigger.

Which?

-Are you going to be nice?

-I'm always nice.

The left.

Here, use my eyeliner.

Shit.

I want my purse, jerk-off.

That's not very friendly.

Now, I want you

to go back out...

and this time,

when you kick the door open...

say something nice.

You stole my purse, dipshit...

and you stole it so I'd have to

see your ugly-ass face again.

No, you forgot your purse

for the second time...

because you were in such

a hurry to strand me...

-in the middle of nowhere.

-Look, just give it to me.

Or would you rather have

my heel up your ass?

Who told you I'm into that?

Pretty rough on

the boss, weren?t you?

You know, he's not

really into ass play.

That's just, like,

his sense of humor.

He owns this place?

Yeah, his dad left it to him.

Of course, all these

development creeps...

are trying to give him,

like, 3 mil for the place.

Whole world's going to be

Gaps and Starbucks, right?

He's loaded.

Good, Page.

Greetings.

Oh, it's you.

Doctors don't want me to smoke.

It's ridiculous.

They depend on cigarettes.

A perfect scapegoat

for their incompetence.

I assume you're here

about the insurance.

My attorneys will

take care of it.

That won't be necessary.

I have no want to sue you.

Sue me?

My people will tear you a new...

I am only come

to see how you feel...

my poor, poor, Babushka.

That's very nice of you, Mrs...

Miss.

Just call me...

Ulga.

-Ulga?

-Mmm.

Well, that?s lovely, Ulga.

Yes?

I am Ulga Yevanova.

I am here to...

Yes. We've been expecting you.

I am Miss Madress.

I run this household.

Oh, good for you.

I will announce you.

We have a bitch alert.

Come on, bartender.

It's your night off.

Do something fun.

Good boy.

I love it here.

It's the only

bloody place left...

that doesn't make you feel

like a serial killer...

for having a damn smoke.

Yes, is lovely.

I'll be your waiter

tonight--Vladimir.

Allow me to tell you

tonight's specials.

No need for English

tonight, Vlad.

We have one of

your country women here.

Oh, wonderful.

So, tonight we have...

Da.

Da. Da.

Excellent choice.

The steaktartare.

Oh, I love a woman

who eats raw meat.

That's real nice!

You're not just going

to stand there.

Help me.

Please.

Isn't that the shoe you

wanted to jam up my ass?

No, that was the 6-inch heel.

Now come on.

What are you doing here?

Uh...working.

Working?

You some kind of wilderness

female mud wrestler?

I am an environmentalist

studying the effect...

of waste run of from

the neighboring wetlands.

Oh, well...

you environmentalists

really dress hot.

Yeah, well...

there's no law that says

you can't look good...

while you're saving stuff.

So, why are you following me?

-I'm not following you!

-Then what are you doing here?

Come on, I'll show you.

You're not out here burying

high-school kids, are you?

Well, they egged my car.

What do you do?

Spy on people humping in boats?

That's so perverted.

I photograph stars.

Look, just because

they're famous...

doesn't mean they don't deserve

their privacy, too.

Who you got?

The stars up there.

You sneak all the way out here

to stare at space and shit?

No, I come here to get away

from the lights of the city...

so I can see

the space and shit.

-Why?

-Take a look.

Jesus.

That's the Crab Nebula.

That is the exact color

of a sapphire ring I wanted.

OK.

And this...

is the great

globular cluster in Hercules.

I don't think

I want to see that.

Wow.

Good cluster.

And I think you can also see

the Corona Borealis, too.

Wait, wait, I'm not done

with the globular thing.

OK...

I love to watch a woman eat.

It is surely one of

the most sensual acts.

Is such joy to hear

my native tongue again.

I deeply appreciate

what you say, and...

what you don't say.

Oh, William,

so much loudness.

Can we not go somewhere

I can relate to you...

orally.

All right.

Who will favor us

with next song?

We have a fellow

country woman here.

No, I am so...

Please, I am so not musical.

-Please, uh...

-How about " Karabuschka?"

I know there isn't

a Russian alive...

who doesn't know " Karabuschka!"

Karabuschka

Da, da, da

Moscow

Leningrad

Minsk...

Oh, you know,

I am just fooling.

I am so full

of good humor.

Flew in from

Miami Beach B.O.A.C.

Didn't get to bed last night

On the way the paper bag

was on my knee

Man, I had a dreadful flight

I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know

how lucky you are, boy

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Been away so long

I hardly knew the place

Gee, it's good to be back home

Leave it till tomorrow

to unpack my case

Honey, disconnect the phone

I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know

how lucky you are, boy

Back in the U.S.

Back in the U.S.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Look, there?s another one.

Oh, there's two at once.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

God, I never knew you could

have this much fun for free.

Well, it's not completely free.

So, are you ready

to tell me the truth?

What?

Tell me why

you're here, really.

I told you,

I'm an environmentalist...

student at

the University of Miami.

What? You don't believe me?

Well, I'd like to, but...

What about my butt?

-Ooh, I got to go.

-Again?

-Yeah, I have work to do.

-It's 11:00 at night.

I know, but I have to write

an environmental impact report.

Will it mention me?

-Wait! What's your name?

-Uh, Jane.

Will I see you again?

Try wishing on a star.

Is that 5 people?

Keys are in it.

Hey, Mom.

How did it go?

Perfect.

His infatuation

is right on schedule.

You know, you?re home now.

You can stop

with the accent.

-What's that?

-What's what?

-Mud?

-I gave myself a facial...

some special local stuff.

I think I'll to take a nice

long shower and go to bed.

Good night.

Smoking is part of

the fun of being a kid.

We just did some tests

on some 9-year-olds.

After a little puking...

why, you couldn't drag them

away from the stuff.

You're only young once.

Why not indulge, I always say.

Oh, darling, what matter?

Head pain back again?

No, no, it's all right.

-I have a gift for you.

-A gift?

A gift! Oh!

Oh, a personal fire device.

I'm not insisting

you take up smoking...

but I thought it would

give you some incentive.

There is nothing sexier

than smoke billowing proudly...

out of a woman's hot,

red, engorged nostrils.

That image will haunt me.

Still a little sleepy, my dear?

Oh, no, no, it was

another wonderful night.

I think that I deserve

a big kiss for that big gift.

Oh, yes.

Is no getting

around that.

Oh, oh, no.

We mustn't.

God is everywhere.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Nosy bastard.

I'll have Miss Madress

get your purse.

Is he that repulsive to you?

No. Is Russian

expression of happiness.

Ptui, ptui,

oh, I am so happy.

Save it.

I'm on to you.

You're attracted to me?

Oh, flattering,

but I no do females.

I've been with him for 7 years.

I've seen him with many women.

I've never worried.

Passing amusements.

But you, oh, you're good, baby.

I no understand.

What is you want?

I is want your ex-commie ass

out of his life.

I didn't put up

with his crap for years...

just to be squeezed out

right before he kicks.

I've put in the time,

and I expect a big payoff.

Oh, you must believe,

I have true feelings for him.

Oh, spare me

your Bolshevik bullshit.

Either you disappear...

or I tell him exactly

what I saw.

Your dark honesty

is refreshing...

but please, I beg you...

leave me one more night

to bow out gracefully.

I have something for you.

I know it's not the sapphire

you wanted, but...

It sure isn't.

It's a meteor fragment.

Like the ones

we were watching?

That's been to the far reaches

of our solar system and back.

No lousy sapphire has

ever pulled that off.

You don't do anything

like normal people, do you?

Some things.

Kitchen's through there.

Master bedroom's upstairs.

Her room is down the hall.

You have 7 minutes.

Here you go.

The thing that's screwing us...

is all this secondhand

smoke nonsense.

They've convicted

the tobacco companies...

without a shred of evidence.

Hmm...is oddness.

What?

Costly lighter gift

you gave is missing.

Oh, you must have

left it somewhere.

Never. I cherish too much.

Perhaps...

No.

Is inconceivablish.

What is inconceivablish?

Well, your housekeep

did much admire...

and when she give me purse

to leave yesterday, was open.

Sir, I swear to you...

I would never take so much as

a hairpin from this household.

Is this not clothing

you wear yesterday...

when you see me out?

Hello.

She set me up.

She could have slipped that

into my pocket any time.

You doubt me?

Oh, William.

Oh, how you can sleep

on so lumpy a...

My wife's old jewellery.

Why you are stealing from

loyal, kind employer man?

No! It's her.

Can't you see?

You bitch!

My cigarettes?

I feel like vomiting.

Oh, please, Mr. Tensy.

I have been a dedicated

and trust worthy servant...

for over 7 years.

Look into my eyes.

You must believe in my complete

and total innocence.

If it's at all possible...

could you slap her around

a little bit?

That's very good, Darling.

You're doing better.

Come on, let's hear

a little pain.

I've set you up with

an interview...

for Tensy's housekeeper

position tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

That's Saturday.

Well, there are no weekends

in conning, dear.

I'll go the first thing Monday.

No, you'll go tomorrow.

We can't take the chance of

someone else getting that job.

You have to start

getting close to him now.

My god, he's days away

from popping the question.

No way.

You couldn't have gotten

him that far this fast.

Have you really

learned so little?

One month flat.

That's a new record.

Mom's still got it.

Jack, I'm still

coming to the game.

I just may be a little late,

that's all.

Well, hey, I'm sure

the van can wait...

for, like, 5 minutes.

Look, l-l'll probably

make it on time anyway.

I gotta go.

Bye.

Sorry I'm running late,

Miss Breckenhall, but...

I've been losing consciousness

more frequently lately.

Allergy season, I think.

Well, it's no problem at all...

But please, call me Allison.

Oh, well...

Allison, l--

I just have a few

questions to ask you.

Do you smoke, Allison?

-No.

-No.

Well, uh...

we gotta go!

She said she'd be

a little late.

20 minutes

is not a little.

We've entered

stood-up territory.

Then I worked for

the English Ambassador...

to Turkey for 4 1/2 years,

until they shot him.

Oh, they shot him?

But I kept cleaning...

right up until they

burned the embassy down.

Well, that was very loyal.

So, when should I start?

If you could just...

fill out

this application form...

then I can, uh...

verify your employment.

Oh, certainly.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh...

I'll get towel.

Y-You seem very dedicated

to your work, Allison.

Something inside me--

this need to please my employer

in any way possible.

Here is towel.

And I find other

employment form.

Oh, well...

I-l don't think

that'll be necessary.

Allison seems...

more than qualified.

Hmm, it's still wet.

Not bad, huh?

Oh, what?

It's just a little hacky...

to go right for

the member massage.

What are you doing

the rest of today?

Oh, um, I don't know.

Beach, nap, nothing.

See ya.

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

You really are

a delicate flower.

Jack!

You missed the game.

Why didn't you go?

I don't know.

My friends have

this theory that...

I'm in love with you.

Hello, Daughter.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be

out with Tensy.

Sometimes people aren't where

they say they're going to be.

Oh, well, I got bored

hanging around here...

so I took myself out for a walk.

Bullshit.

I saw you with your boy friend.

You spied on me?

So, this is why you've been

being so nice to me.

I have not been nice to you.

You betray me

for some bartender.

That bartender

happens to own the bar...

and has a firm offer

to sell for 3 million.

You're not ready, Page.

Yeah, so not ready

that I already got him...

to say he loves me.

I mean you're not

ready to con a guy...

without falling

in love yourself.

Give me a break.

I am in complete control.

I saw the kiss.

Your eyes were closed.

That was the sun.

Last time the sun

got in my eyes...

I wound up

with a daughter.

Yeah, and that's just

about the worst thing...

that ever happened

to you, isn't it?

I'm a pro, Mother,

and I'll prove it.

There, nothing...

but the best from you.

Well, give me a chance

to make it even better.

Crap!

-What's wrong?

-I got to go.

-Why?

-Because I'm no good for you.

I'll be the judge

of that.

No, I just--

you have to trust me.

I am not a good person.

No, you are good.

You may not know it,

but I do.

You come on tough,

but it's all just an act.

I mean, you

don't even believe...

in sleeping together

before marriage.

You're like a Brady

or an Osmond or something.

Look, you don't get it, OK?

I haven't been

completely honest with you.

Look, I know you're not

really an environmentalist.

Who cares?

The important thing is...

I love you

and I want to be with you.

I got ta go.

You win.

I drop the con.

-It's for the best, Dear.

-Shut up, Mother.

Barbara!

You are a lifesaver.

To pull that job off

on such short notice--

I was taught by the best.

I had a blast.

I've been out of

the game for so long...

I've forgotten how much

fun it could be--

even though we were

conning your own daughter...

who I haven't seen

since she was what,4?

3.

But we weren't conning her.

We were protecting her.

She wanted to run

off on her own...

and this was the only

way to stop her.

You know, you won't be

able to stop her forever.

I know that.

You know, Page is an amazing,

brilliant, talented girl.

But she's still green.

When she's ready...

I'll be the first

one to tell her.

And you're sure

she's not ready now?

I just caught her

kissing some loser...

with her eyes closed.

Really?

I'll get this.

Classy.

I'm still learning from you.

Sweetie, I'm home.

Sounds like a good day.

Yeah, it was fantastic.

Yech, what is Tensy...

Iike, the largest

producer of phlegm...

on the East Coast?

I just officially quit smoking.

Well, the good news

keeps on coming.

Hey, I got a killer

dress for tonight.

That, plus the official

letter cannot fail.

-You want to see?

-No. I'm going out for a walk.

Ok, well, uh...

I'm already late.

Jane, Jane!

Don't hang up!

You gotta give up

on that girl, man.

Yeah, there's something

weird about her.

Yeah, but that's what I liked.

Me, too.

What are you doing here?

I was coming to you.

Let me in.

I have a surprise.

Uh, moment.

I'm, uh...naked.

I don't see a problem there.

Here I come!

-Oh, my.

-Completely restored.

Only 7,000 for a new willy.

It's so nice.

But, uh...

William, you know

how the Lord feels...

about having men in hotel room.

even a man who has ordered...

champagne and oysters

from room service?

It's OK. I didn't

charge it to your room.

I cannot anymore see you.

Why on earth not?

Oh, let us leave at that.

Make pain less.

Good-bye forever.

No, no. What is

this all about?

" We regret to in form you

that your application...

" for permanent residence

has been denied.

" you must leave the country

no later than tomorrow."

I try everything, but is

very political red tape...

to get green card,

and I am loopholeless.

Well...

this is horrible.

And to think I was going

to ask you to marry me.

Marry you?

Yes, yes, l, uh...

purchased a ring

and everything.

But with your leaving...

I am but ignorant,

unintelligible foreigner...

but if you marry me,

I believe that puts, uh...

kibosh on deportation.

-Really?

-Yes.

Oh, Ulga...

Ulga...

Will you--

What? What?

-Marry me?

-Ohh...marry you?

Oh, is legal question.

Yes, I will, is binding answer.

Leave me alone.

I'm engaged!

We're talking a settlement

of 20 million minimum!

Oh, we're finally

set for life, Darling!

I just have time

for one quickwhoo!

-I said whoo.

-Why won't you talk to me?

There's nothing to say.

I scared you when I told you

I loved you, didn't l?

Jack, there is no love.

It's just a trick of

the brain...

a combination of

hormones and chemicals.

Then why are you here?

Tell me to my face

you don't love me.

I don't love you.

Wow, that was more believable

than I thought it would be.

Look, I know I freaked you out

by moving too fast...

with all that

"I love you" stuff.

So, let's just...

get married.

I gotta go.

Oh!

That is jarring.

My love, tonight

we will celebrate...

this ecstatic joining

of our spirits...

with the union...

of our aching bodies.

Oh, you have

stomach cramp again.

No, no, no. I ache

for you, my pumpkin.

-Let's hump.

-Oh, William, my religion!

-Humping is not yet allowed.

-Oh, of course it is.

I proposed, you accepted.

To God, everything

else is just paper work.

Oh, William, I insist

we wait till after wedding.

Ulga, I am much more

powerful than you.

Just relax and enjoy it.

Oh, always something

in your mouth.

Are you dead?

Why me?!

Oh, wake up,

you disgusting shit!

20 million.

-What?

-I need you here.

Wow.

That's real attractive.

We gotta get him out of here...

and make it look like

he died at his house, alone.

Room service.

Let's get him to the bedroom.

Ok...

too far.

Uh, balcony?

Oh, just--

just hold him.

I'll be right back.

Champagne and oysters.

All this just for you?

Oh, yes.

I mean, someone is joining me.

I'll open the champagne.

That's all right.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

It's, uh...

tip's included when

it's paid for, good night.

Aah!

I ask you to do

one simple thing.

Oh, I don't consider holding

a 500-pound corpse simple.

Ok, if you hadn't

flung open the door--

I didn't fling it!

Look, we just have to get

the body back to the house...

and everything will be fine.

Have you seen her?

Dean.

Shit!

Angela!

I'll meet you by Tensy

in 5 minutes.

-He looks really pissed.

-I'll handle him. Go!

Oh, god.

Angela, stop!

I have missed you

so much! So much!

I can't stop

thinking about you.

I've never been so

in love with anybody...

in my whole, entire life.

I'm begging you, please.

Please, just give me

one more chance.

One more chance.

Marry me again.

What?

Get up.

How'd you find me?

The title for

the Mercedes came through.

It listed this place

as your temporary address.

I drove straight through

just so I could see you.

Your hair's different.

It looks really pretty.

I like it.

Come here, give me a kiss.

No.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Angela, I've changed.

I've totally changed.

Look, look, look.

This place is crawling

with prime trim.

I'm barely even noticing.

I...can't deal

with this right now.

No, no, no.

Angela, listen to me.

I'm not leaving without you.

I love you...

and I don't care

who hears it.

I love her. I love her.

I love her. I love her!

What do you want

me to do?

I--I'll sing.

You want me to sing?

Come fly with me

Come fly, come fly

Shut up!

What do you want, baby?

I'll do anything.

Anything?

I had no idea

you were into this stuff.

I've been trying a lot

of new things lately.

Oh, no, no.

Wait, wait.

I don't know about that.

Are you questioning me?

No. No, no, no. It's just--

Kiss my foot and apologize.

I'm sorry.

Good boy.

Ooh, yes.

Now, I'm just gonna

get some whipped cream.

I got no problem with that.

I'll be right back.

Hurry up.

Careful, we don't want

any more damage to the body.

Yeah.

Housekeeping!

You want your bed

turned down?

Housekeeping.

Look. I don't need anything.

Please, just get lost.

Lady!

You know,

I've been cleaning...

this room for 3 weeks,

and so far, no tip.

Fine. There's 20 bucks

in my pants over there.

20?

How about I sit

on your kinky face

for a while while

you think about that.

OK, OK, OK. 50!

That's more like it.

Unbelievable.

Both of these

wallets yours?

Two wallets?

Untie me.

Now, that?ll be another 20.

All right.

He's sleeping.

He wakes up having...

one of his famous

coughing fits...

flails around and falls

right onto the statue...

becoming penilely impaled.

That's believable, right?

I just really need

a shower.

Where's the penis?

It's still there.

It's just the rigor

mortis is gone...

so there's no wood.

Not his, the statue's.

Oh. It's still

in the car.

I'll get it.

There you go.

Oh, this is--

This is unbelievable.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You are so enormous.

OK.

Oh, God, please.

You gold-digging whore.

You're already working

someone else, huh?

Get off of her, asshole.

Get off, asshole.

-Don't shoot him, Dean.

-Why not?

Because he's already dead.

Oh, you are one sick slut.

I am not a sick slut.

One penis coming up, mom.

Wendy?

Uh, hello.

Mom?

You're her mother?

It's just a nickname.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my god.

You two played me.

Oh, no. No.

That whole marriage

was bullshit...

and this one you even offed!

We didn't off him.

He coughed himself

to death.

Yeah, right.

You let your

own daughter seduce me?

Do you have any idea how much

therapy you people need?

Look, Dean.

I don't blame you

for being upset.

We did an awful thing.

For the first time,

I feel really bad about it...

but maybe, despite

all this craziness...

there's still hope

for us after all?

There's more hope for you

and him than there is for us.

Dean, please

tell me it's OK.

I love you.

Forget it.

Fine!

Look. You brought

this on yourself.

-You cheated on me.

-You set me up to cheat!

We can't make a scumbag...

do anything a scumbag

wouldn't do anyway.

Shut up, junior slut.

Get over there.

You know, you two

got some brass balls...

in those panties,

I'll give you that.

In the few moments

you have left...

Ii want to see some begging

and some pleading.

Uh, Mom?

Dean, you got so many tells.

You are not the killing type.

Don't screw with me.

I'm on a fine edge here.

Don't!

See? No bullets.

Fine. So I'm not

that big on homicide...

but I could do worse.

I found all your l.D.s,

all your aliases...

and I'm gonna

get them to the cops...

when they start investigating

decomposing boy, here.

You two are gonna dry up

in some filthy lesbo lockdown...

with bad lighting!

I don't have to kill you

to kill you.

No.

Dean, wait!

Look. What if we gave

you back your money?

Well?

I stopped walking, didn't l?

But first

you got to help us...

make it look like

this creep died here...

alone and peaceful...

so there's no questions.

You know how to do that?

I'm from Jersey, aren't l?

Boy, Dean was really

incredible with that body.

Well, are you gonna

let me in on the play?

What play?

You promised

that mook 300,000.

When we take him

to the bank tomorrow...

we're only gonna be,

oh, about300,000 short.

-The money will be there.

-What?

I don't want a big

scene about this, Page...

but Mrs. Vogal from the l.R.S.

Was more of a "protecting you

from making the worst mistake...

of your life" thing

than it was...

a "the government came

and took all our money" thing.

-What?

-I pulled a tiny little con...

to keep you from leaving.

Oh, you bitch!

You bitch!

Hey, look, wait!

Stop it.

You're gonna kill us!

Stop it!

There seems to be a problem with

your account, Ms. Conners.

It was closed yesterday.

That's impossible.

What the hell is going on?

Nothing, I swear.

Here's the signature.

Barbara.

Wait!

I gave my old partner

all my account numbers...

for the I.R.S. Scam...

and that hag ripped off

every penny we ever stole!

Tell your fairy tales

to your cellmates.

Look. For once,

she's telling the truth.

And I'm gonna believe

the seed of Satan?

Skank, give me

the keys to my car.

Give me the keys

to the Mercedes.

That's it.

Good-bye.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this.

I've blown both our lives.

I'm sorry, Page.

I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible mother.

I'm a terrible everything.

You're finally

seeing things clearly.

What the hell

are you doing?

You want money?

The guy who wants to marry me is

worth 1.5 in a divorce.

She's just gonna

screw with him again.

Hugely.

I'm sorry.

I was just wondering...

how long you're

gonna stay this time.

Look.

I know that

I've been horrible...

but all this talk

about love and marriage...

it can make anyone act freaky.

I know that I must seem

like a mean, selfish bitch...

No, you seem like

the sweetest...

most wonderful person

I've ever met.

What a moron.

Friends...

employees...

beer wholesaler...

I have an announcement.

Jane and I

are getting married.

That is awesome!

Yeah!

Jane, come here.

So, uh, Jack,

now that you have some, uh...

extra responsibilities,

that doesn't mean...

you're gonna change your mind

and sell this place, does it?

No, we?ll do just fine.

Thanks, man.

Sell what, honey?

Oh, nothing.

Just some guys offered me...

3 million for the bar

and the land.

3 million?

That sounds like something.

Well, yeah,

but this place was my dad's.

You know, it's home.

It's too late, anyway.

They got another lot

down the road.

There's no money.

I'm bailing.

No. Wait!

You can still get...

a decent settlement

out of this guy.

He'll lose the bar.

This is wrong.

It's over.

What the hell

is your daughter doing...

growing a conscience

on my score?

Don't make her do this.

I'll figure a way

to get you your money.

No. I'm tired of waiting.

We're doing it.

May I have this dance?

I--Jack.

Uh-oh.

-You gotta go.

-I gotta go.

Is that who

I think it is?

Jane!

It is. How are you, darling?

Pissed off.

We were just on our way

to see you at the hotel...

but we thought

we'd stop by here...

for a drink.

Hi.

This isn?t Jack, is it?

Jane is always going

on and on about you.

I think she's in love!

I'm Betty,

Jane's second cousin...

and this is my brother.

Vinny--Vinny Staggliano.

I'm afraid you caught us

at a weird time.

I just asked Jane

to marry me, and--

Oh! That's great!

Congratulations.

Actually, I think she's having

second thoughts.

That's just the way our Jane is.

Yeah, but she gets

over it, though...

especially now that family's

here to give her a little shove.

Come on, you two...

why don't you

kiss and make up?

-I'm not really in the mood.

-Go on. Kiss.

That's nice.

There you go.

I think your relatives

are gonna like Bill's boat.

Who cares what they like?

Nice boat.

Ooh! Oh, oh!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so clumsy.

That's OK.

How you doing, Skippy?

Hey.

Hey, you.

I got the lotion.

Who's got the hands?

Don't look at me.

I don't like getting

all gunky.

Jack, would you mind?

Sure.

You are the most kind,

wonderful man.

Look at all the fish!

Got it.

This is gonna be a fun trip.

I honestly don't know why...

you'd want to wear

an off-the-shoulder.

This is what I want,

and it looks fine.

Fine.

What would I know?

I've only been married

13 times.

All right, I'm coming out.

You better be nice.

I'm always nice.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Fine. If you're

gonna be sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

It's perfect.

Really?

There's nothing

you would change?

Not a thing.

Oh, my god.

Well, I might just...

see what it looks like

without this in here.

I take it back.

No. No.

I...like that idea.

So...

Mother likes it?

-Oh, I'm not...

-she's not my mother.

You really are good at this.

I'm almost buying it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

friends and family...

we have come here today...

to celebrate

two wonderful people...

who have managed

to find each other...

in this sometimes

seemingly cold world...

and pledge their hearts.

Do you, Jack Withrowe...

take this woman to be

your lawful wedded wife...

to love her, honor her,

and cherish her...

until death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Jane Helstrom...

take this man to be your

lawful wedded husband...

to love, honor,

and to cherish him...

until death do you part?

I do.

What?

I do.

I now pronounce you

husband and wife...

and you may kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you...

-Mr. And Mrs. Withrowe.

-Shut up.

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help

Falling in love with you...

Here.

Make sure he sees

you drinking a lot.

That won't be hard.

There's my wonderful new

daughter-in-law.

Are you avoiding me?

Uh, no.

I gotta go.

Don't let it bother you.

She's shyer than shit.

Uh, what is it you do,

Mr. Staggliano?

College professor.

Uh, what do you teach?

College stuff.

What are you,

a fucking cop?

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

I'll only need 30 minutes.

It won't work.

He loves me too much.

Men don't turn women down.

Just like our first date,

only less mud.

It's beautiful.

Happy?

Always know just

the right thing to say.

I love you...

Jack.

I love you very much.

You're different, aren't you?

I mean, you would never let

anything ruin this, would you?

Well, sometimes these hotel

soaps irritate my skin.

I'm serious.

Say nothing will ruin us.

Nothing will ever

take me away...

or keep me

from loving you.

Can I have some water?

I think I drank

too much champagne.

What are you doing

out here alone?

Oh, my wife celebrated herself

into an early coma.

Oh.

Well, her loss is my gain.

Walk me to my room.

I have a wedding gift

for you.

Oh, no, that?s ok.

I was just gonna--

Oh, come on.

You can't turn down

a wedding gift, you know.

It's bad luck.

-I never heard that.

-Sure.

Everything to do with

weddings is bad luck.

Uh, I can only stay

a minute.

Will you just

relax?

OK? Sit down.

This hotel is so nice.

I'm so glad

my brother and I

decided to stay here,too.

Uh...yeah.

It's...

you, uh--ahem--mentioned

something about a gift?

You're so greedy.

But I happen to have it

right...here.

Cognac! Huh! Wow!

80 years old.

Uh, Jane is gonna love this.

Thank you so much.

Oh, oh, oh--

can't we just try some?

Please?

I thought you might not

want to wait alone.

Could be wrong. Oh!

It feels good going down,

doesn't it?

It's, uh...

it's really good.

No, thanks. I, uh...

I should be

getting back to Jane.

Jack, she's asleep.

OK? Come on.

You deserve to have...

a little bit of fun

on your wedding night.

It's just fruit.

It's just a waste of time.

He's just gonna throw her out

on her ass.

I'm not worried.

Is that why you're

melting down the remote?

Cute.

You've got a tiny bit

of cream...

right...

-I got to go.

-Oh, oh, oh. Why?

-I just can't do this.

-What's the matter?

Is it because you don't

find me attractive?

No, no. A part of me

is very, very interested...

but the other parts

are yelling...

" You just married her cousin."

Jane would never know,

I promise.

Yeah, but I would.

I could never do that

to someone I love.

You really do love her,

don't you?

Yeah...

and I really should be

getting back.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I feel terrible.

Please don't leave like this.

Can't we just, you know...

have a make-up drink

or something?

I'll be good, I promise.

Please?

That's it.

I'm going over there.

No. It isn't time yet.

I don't care,

you sick shit.

I can't do this to him.

You see? It hurts

when you screw around...

with people's feelings,

doesn't it?

Not as much as this.

Oh, my God.

Jane!

What?

I'm sorry.

While we are willing to admit...

some wrong doing on

the part of my client...

given the extremely short

duration of the marriage--

No negotiation.

Give her whatever she wants.

We talked about

you not saying that.

Give her

whatever she wants.

I don't know what happened.

It was weird.

There is only one man

in the world.

What the hell

is taking so long?

Oh, relax.

You'll get your money.

You destroyed my daughter,

but you'll get it.

Hey, I was standing around

minding my own business...

when you bitches came along

and ripped out my heart...

for a game of hacky sack.

-Don't give me that.

-Come off it.

We're both the same--scum.

We are not the same.

I wasn't lying

when I said " I do."

No, you were lying

when you tried to nail Page.

Look. Where I come from,

guys make mistakes sometimes.

Didn't change the fact

that I loved you.

I just know

I wouldn't do it again.

-Because you got caught.

-No, because of what I lost.

I'm not the only guy in the

world that's ever screwed up.

Even a goody-goody like Jack

can't keep his wang

in the hangar.

-Yes, he can.

-What did you say?

Nothing.

No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What did you say?

I micked him.

Stryctotoxy...

somewhere

bet ween out and awake.

It just makes people

easy to handle.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

You're kidding.

He said no, and you still

let her believe...

that he went for a soil sample?

You know what?

That's a new low, even for you.

Look. You wanted your money.

What was I supposed to do...

tell her the man

you forced us to con...

was the only decent guy

she ever met?

But you know what?

This is just too sick.

I thought this whole revenge

thing was gonna be fun...

but you've done everything

you can to ruin it.

I don't even want

this guy's money now.

-Well, I don't want it, either.

-Well, I'm not taking it!

-Well, neither am l!

-Well, neither am l!

-All right, I'll take it.

-What?!

You said

you didn't want it.

You should tell

your daughter the truth.

What for? He's only gonna

end up hurting her anyway.

She's better off with me, OK?

I'll protect her.

From what?

From love?

From pain.

Love is pain.

Life is pain.

You can't protect

anybody from it.

It's always gonna get you.

But sometimes,

life can also be good.

But you got to be open.

You got to take chances.

You got to let go.

What self-help guru moron

taught you that?

Nobody had

to teach me nothing.

It's common sense.

And Deepak Chopra

is not a moron.

I've seen a lot

of crap in my life...

but the way you're cheating

her out of any chance...

for a decent future

really sucks.

Of all the lousy things

you've done...

you should be most

ashamed of that.

And what you did to me, too--

--I don't want to completely

leave that out.

-Here's your money.

-I don't want the money.

Good luck with

psycho mom here.

-What was that?

-I took care of it.

-How?

-I don't want to talk about it.

Let's just get out

of this goddamn place.

So...

where are we going--

Seattle or San Francisco?

You know, you don't

have to stay with me.

There's plenty of money for

you to set up on your own...

and you can have

all of it.

Thanks, mom.

You're the only person

in this world...

I even half-trust.

-What are you doing?

-Turning around.

Why?

-Promise you won't attack me?

-What is it?

We're traveling

at high speeds.

It would endanger

both our lives.

What is it?

Jack turned me down...

so I kind of...

I micked him.

Oh, you are the most evil,

manipulative--

You're right. I am.

I've just been so afraid

of losing you...

or of you getting hurt

like me.

But I can't protect you.

I just get you hurt

in different, sickways.

So you might as well get hurt...

in your own healthy,

normal ways--

ways you come up with

on your own...

and can't blame me for.

Oh, it's a hug.

I can pull over for a hug.

Now, don't cry too much.

You'll look like hell...

when you go back to him, OK?

You should wear

the blue dress.

Mom...

Right.

Wear whatever you want...

except what you're wearing.

What are you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here.

What, you thought

I'd still want you...

after what you did to me?

You don't? OK. Fine.

All right, wait, wait.

OK. OK. Fine.

-So I still want you.

-No kidding.

But don't you ever

cheat on me again.

-Ever. Ever!

-OK. Fine!

I mean it.

Because if one day...

you happen to notice

some gorgeous girl

giving you that

"Iet's screw around" look...

just remember,

she may be working for me.

All right. Fine.

But you?

No more conning.

No more.

If you're gonna be my wife...

you've got to live

a respectable life...

chopping cars.

First you got to help me

with one thing.

Well, first you got

to help me with one thing.

You're not gonna fall asleep

on me again, are you?

I feel pretty good

about tonight.

Look. I don't

want to go in there.

The bank owns it now.

There's still some stuff

they said you left.

I cleared out everything.

Surprise!

-How?

-My name is Page.

I never realized

I could feel this way again...

that I could be so totally

in love with someone.

I feel the same way, Stanley.

-You're beautiful.

-Thank you.