He Cooked His Goose (1952) - full transcript
Larry is a pet dealer who's seeing Moe's wife while at the same time trying to steal Shemp's fiancée. When Moe's become suspicious, Larry attempts to frame Shemp as the boyfriend. He gets Shemp a job as a door to door pajama salesman and sends him to Moe's apartment, and then tells both Moe and Shemp's fiancée to go there and catch him in the act. Larry's plan backfires when Shemp catches him and lets Moe deliver some punishment.
[♪♪♪]
[BARKING]
Hi, Shorty.
Did you miss me?
Huh? Come on.
Gee, I'm tired.
And I'm hungry too.
These look so good.
Doggies don't get cookies,
either.
Mm.
Surprise!
You again.
In person, Millie,
my little dilly.
And I brought you some flowers.
Thank you.
Don't mind if I do.
Hey, Millie, how about having
dinner with me tonight?
I have a date with Shemp.
You know we're engaged.
[♪♪♪]
You're a sucker, Millie.
You know he's not true to you.
He's a playboy.
I don't believe you.
Nevertheless, it's a fact.
You're too good
for that chiseler.
[CRUNCHING]
[SCREAMING]
Oh! Oh!
Serves you right
for lying about my Shemp.
Yeah? Some day you'll catch
that two-timer red-handed
and you'll know I wasn't lying.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Ooh.
Goodbye!
Oh!
Boo!
Oh, Shemp, darling.
Flowers for the fair.
Oh, wherever did you get
the money
to buy such a beautiful bouquet?
Oh, think nothing of it.
It was practically a steal.
Oh, Shemp,
Larry was just here again.
Oh, if he don't stop annoying
you I'll punch him in the nose.
I'll black his eye.
I'll give him a...
Oh.
Was that my gums?
Shemp, be a darling
and put these over on the table
while I change my clothes.
Certainly, my sweetheart.
[SHORTY BARKING]
Aw, okay, Shorty,
I'll throw the ball for you.
Oh, I got you all wet, didn't I?
Well, I'll fix you up.
Come up here, Shorty, boy.
Aw, don't you worry,
we'll get you dry.
Oh, yes, stay right there now,
Shorty, boy.
Stay there, will you, now?
Oh, this way.
That a good boy.
Now, Shorty, I'll have you dry
in a minute.
I'll have you dry in a minute,
boy.
That's the boy. Just...
Oh, hold it there, boy.
I'll have you gone in a minute.
Oh, you're still wet, ain't you?
Well, I'll fix you up.
Come over here, boy.
There we are.
[SPUTTERS]
[GIGGLES]
Now, there you are.
Well, baby. Oh, well...
What...?
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
Good morning, Miss Lapdale.
Good morning,
Mr. Larry.
Uh, take a letter, Miss Lapdale.
Yes, Mr. Larry.
I'm ready.
Uh, to my Siamese
representative, Mr. Ah Mee.
Dear Mee: Uh, I, uh...
I... Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
[LARRY GIGGLES]
Hey, wait a minute.
Trying to steal my wife
away from me, eh?
No.
I'll tear you apart,
you philandering porcupine.
You keep away from my wife
or I'll tear this cucumber off
and shove it down your throat!
Wait a minute.
I never saw your wife.
Oh, yeah?
I found this in my wife's purse.
Oh, that.
That's my Christmas ad.
I give it to all my customers.
I never saw your wife.
I'm engaged
to three beautiful girls.
Ask my secretary.
Oh, well, I... I just...
Oh, take it easy, pal.
Here. Sit down,
calm yourself.
Thanks very much.
Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, now,
take it easy.
How about a cigar?
I don't smoke.
Well, get something
to calm yourself.
You want a drink?
I don't drink.
But I'll have a little birdseed,
if you don't mind.
That always calms my nerves.
[CLEARING THROAT]
[GULPING]
[CHIRPING]
Say, I used to be
a private detective,
and as a favor to you,
I'll try to find this chiseler
who's trying to steal
your belle.
Belle?
How did you know
her name was Belle?
Wait. You know,
all women are belles,
like "belle of the ball?"
Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
I'm too impetuous and jealous,
I guess.
That's all right.
I'll try to find this chiseler,
and when I find him,
I'll let you know, and when you
get your hands on him,
give him this, and that,
and this,
and this, and this,
and this! There.
Oh, thanks,
you're certainly a pal.
That's all right.
And when you find him,
give him this too.
Oh... Oh!
[BIRD CHIRPING]
Whew. What a narrow escape.
He suspects Belle and I.
I gotta find myself a fall guy
before he gets wise.
My fall guy.
Hi, Shemp.
I want you to stay away
from Millie,
you fuzzy-topped Casanova.
She's my girl.
Remember that.
Ow!
Ow.
Why... Don't get excited, Shemp.
I'm only playing up to Millie
to get her dad's business.
And furthermore,
I'm gonna do you a favor.
I'm gonna get you a job.
Oh, thanks.
Here, take this card to the
Perfect Underwear Company.
They need a salesman.
Oh,
this'll make my Christmas dandy.
Oh, that's all right.
Anything for a pal.
Oh, I forgot to feed Cedric.
What do you got in there?
Why, that's Cedric, the only
trained clam in the world.
Watch this.
A clam?
Yeah.
Cedric, how many days in a week?
Marvelous.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Come here.
Cedric, what do we do
if we don't like somebody?
[SPUTTERS]
[LAUGHS]
Let me try that.
Go ahead.
Now, Cedric, what do we do
when we don't like somebody?
Listen, you, I'll get you
in a chowder one day,
and look out.
Believe me...
[SPUTTERING]
Saltwater.
Here's that last bulb.
I'll get this in,
then I'll be finished.
Oh, be careful, Moe, dear.
You might fall.
[QUIETLY]
I hope.
Why, Belle, baby, the only one
I'd ever fall for is you.
[LAUGHING]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[YELLING]
[CRASHING]
[SIGHS]
Clumsy ox.
[GROANING]
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
Oh, Moe, what is the matter
with you today?
Goodness!
Oh, thanks, darling.
Oh, thanks nothing, nitwit.
Say,
you'd better finish the tree.
I've got an appointment
and I'm late.
Ah!
Kiss me goodbye, darling.
Ah.
I'll see you later.
Oh, my hat.
[YELLING]
Oh, you clumsy idiot.
[MOE GRUNTING]
[DOOR BUZZES]
Yes?
Good day, ma'am.
Larry Fine sent me in regard
to some undergarments.
Oh, yes, he phoned me.
Won't you come in?
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You have a lovely place here.
Thank you.
Now, here's the latest creation
from Gay Paree.
Why, they're rather cute.
Would you mind
modeling them for me?
Anything to make
a dishonest dollar.
All right.
You may go in there.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
[HUMMING]
Oh, excuse me.
But Millie, it's true.
You go to that address,
like I told you,
and you'll find out what
a two-timer Shemp really is.
Is he there now?
Sure.
He's there with her right now.
Attagirl. Goodbye.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, now to call Belle's husband.
Whew. What a long prefix.
Hello, Moe?
Well, I've found him.
Well, here it is.
[DOOR BUZZES]
Oh, pardon me.
Well, where is he? Where's that
faithless Shemp?
BELLE: Who?
MILLIE: Don't act so innocent.
You're not fooling me.
BELLE:
Well, just a moment, now.
I'm gonna look for myself.
It's no use lying to me.
Larry told me
he was here with you.
That double-crossing skunk.
Do you know Larry?
Yes, and I suppose I'm gonna
have to marry him after all.
Over my dead body.
Mine too.
What was that?
Well, I...
[DOOR OPENING]
I'll murder him!
Moe!
Where is he?
I'll murder him!
I'll tear him to pieces,
that's what I'll...!
[GUNSHOT]
Oh! Help!
Help me up!
Ow! Help!
Ow! Ow!
Well, shrink your head,
pull in your ears.
MOE:
Help, help me out!
Help! Help!
Ow! Oh!
Oh, my nose.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my nose.
He's in here someplace.
I'll find him.
Where'd you hide him?
Which way did he go?
Thanks, buddy.
Come down or I'll shoot!
SHEMP: Ow!
I got him.
Oh!
Oh.
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, my head.
Hello, children.
I'm a little early, but I got
a lot of running to do.
Blitzen is in the kitchen,
and Prancer's got
the antsers in his pantsers.
Merry Christmas!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you, eh?
No.
Take off that beard.
Okay, I'll take it off.
I'll...
Why, you...
Ooh!
Oh, my.
[SPITS]
[GIBBERING]
Get me a towel!
I'll get you, you home-wrecker!
Where is he?
Where is he? That dirty rat.
I'll murder him!
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[TITTERS]
[WHISTLES]
Huh?
Ooh!
[CLATTERING]
Oh!
That's what you get
for tripping me.
I tell you I don't know
what you're talking about.
He must have come back in here.
I'll fill him full of holes.
Give me that.
Now, you'll shoot somebody!
Turn me loose, I tell you!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
MOE:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[GRUNTS]
Oh, I got you at last, eh?
Why, you...
You!
Moe, wait a minute.
You dirty rat!
I didn't do nothing!
[GUNSHOTS]
Wait a minute. I...
Moe!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Let me go.
I got your boyfriend.
I shot him right...
Ah! Ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Oh, oh! Ooh! Ooh!
[♪♪♪]
[BARKING]
Hi, Shorty.
Did you miss me?
Huh? Come on.
Gee, I'm tired.
And I'm hungry too.
These look so good.
Doggies don't get cookies,
either.
Mm.
Surprise!
You again.
In person, Millie,
my little dilly.
And I brought you some flowers.
Thank you.
Don't mind if I do.
Hey, Millie, how about having
dinner with me tonight?
I have a date with Shemp.
You know we're engaged.
[♪♪♪]
You're a sucker, Millie.
You know he's not true to you.
He's a playboy.
I don't believe you.
Nevertheless, it's a fact.
You're too good
for that chiseler.
[CRUNCHING]
[SCREAMING]
Oh! Oh!
Serves you right
for lying about my Shemp.
Yeah? Some day you'll catch
that two-timer red-handed
and you'll know I wasn't lying.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Ooh.
Goodbye!
Oh!
Boo!
Oh, Shemp, darling.
Flowers for the fair.
Oh, wherever did you get
the money
to buy such a beautiful bouquet?
Oh, think nothing of it.
It was practically a steal.
Oh, Shemp,
Larry was just here again.
Oh, if he don't stop annoying
you I'll punch him in the nose.
I'll black his eye.
I'll give him a...
Oh.
Was that my gums?
Shemp, be a darling
and put these over on the table
while I change my clothes.
Certainly, my sweetheart.
[SHORTY BARKING]
Aw, okay, Shorty,
I'll throw the ball for you.
Oh, I got you all wet, didn't I?
Well, I'll fix you up.
Come up here, Shorty, boy.
Aw, don't you worry,
we'll get you dry.
Oh, yes, stay right there now,
Shorty, boy.
Stay there, will you, now?
Oh, this way.
That a good boy.
Now, Shorty, I'll have you dry
in a minute.
I'll have you dry in a minute,
boy.
That's the boy. Just...
Oh, hold it there, boy.
I'll have you gone in a minute.
Oh, you're still wet, ain't you?
Well, I'll fix you up.
Come over here, boy.
There we are.
[SPUTTERS]
[GIGGLES]
Now, there you are.
Well, baby. Oh, well...
What...?
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
Good morning, Miss Lapdale.
Good morning,
Mr. Larry.
Uh, take a letter, Miss Lapdale.
Yes, Mr. Larry.
I'm ready.
Uh, to my Siamese
representative, Mr. Ah Mee.
Dear Mee: Uh, I, uh...
I... Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
[LARRY GIGGLES]
Hey, wait a minute.
Trying to steal my wife
away from me, eh?
No.
I'll tear you apart,
you philandering porcupine.
You keep away from my wife
or I'll tear this cucumber off
and shove it down your throat!
Wait a minute.
I never saw your wife.
Oh, yeah?
I found this in my wife's purse.
Oh, that.
That's my Christmas ad.
I give it to all my customers.
I never saw your wife.
I'm engaged
to three beautiful girls.
Ask my secretary.
Oh, well, I... I just...
Oh, take it easy, pal.
Here. Sit down,
calm yourself.
Thanks very much.
Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, now,
take it easy.
How about a cigar?
I don't smoke.
Well, get something
to calm yourself.
You want a drink?
I don't drink.
But I'll have a little birdseed,
if you don't mind.
That always calms my nerves.
[CLEARING THROAT]
[GULPING]
[CHIRPING]
Say, I used to be
a private detective,
and as a favor to you,
I'll try to find this chiseler
who's trying to steal
your belle.
Belle?
How did you know
her name was Belle?
Wait. You know,
all women are belles,
like "belle of the ball?"
Oh, I'm sorry, pal.
I'm too impetuous and jealous,
I guess.
That's all right.
I'll try to find this chiseler,
and when I find him,
I'll let you know, and when you
get your hands on him,
give him this, and that,
and this,
and this, and this,
and this! There.
Oh, thanks,
you're certainly a pal.
That's all right.
And when you find him,
give him this too.
Oh... Oh!
[BIRD CHIRPING]
Whew. What a narrow escape.
He suspects Belle and I.
I gotta find myself a fall guy
before he gets wise.
My fall guy.
Hi, Shemp.
I want you to stay away
from Millie,
you fuzzy-topped Casanova.
She's my girl.
Remember that.
Ow!
Ow.
Why... Don't get excited, Shemp.
I'm only playing up to Millie
to get her dad's business.
And furthermore,
I'm gonna do you a favor.
I'm gonna get you a job.
Oh, thanks.
Here, take this card to the
Perfect Underwear Company.
They need a salesman.
Oh,
this'll make my Christmas dandy.
Oh, that's all right.
Anything for a pal.
Oh, I forgot to feed Cedric.
What do you got in there?
Why, that's Cedric, the only
trained clam in the world.
Watch this.
A clam?
Yeah.
Cedric, how many days in a week?
Marvelous.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Come here.
Cedric, what do we do
if we don't like somebody?
[SPUTTERS]
[LAUGHS]
Let me try that.
Go ahead.
Now, Cedric, what do we do
when we don't like somebody?
Listen, you, I'll get you
in a chowder one day,
and look out.
Believe me...
[SPUTTERING]
Saltwater.
Here's that last bulb.
I'll get this in,
then I'll be finished.
Oh, be careful, Moe, dear.
You might fall.
[QUIETLY]
I hope.
Why, Belle, baby, the only one
I'd ever fall for is you.
[LAUGHING]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[YELLING]
[CRASHING]
[SIGHS]
Clumsy ox.
[GROANING]
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
Oh, Moe, what is the matter
with you today?
Goodness!
Oh, thanks, darling.
Oh, thanks nothing, nitwit.
Say,
you'd better finish the tree.
I've got an appointment
and I'm late.
Ah!
Kiss me goodbye, darling.
Ah.
I'll see you later.
Oh, my hat.
[YELLING]
Oh, you clumsy idiot.
[MOE GRUNTING]
[DOOR BUZZES]
Yes?
Good day, ma'am.
Larry Fine sent me in regard
to some undergarments.
Oh, yes, he phoned me.
Won't you come in?
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You have a lovely place here.
Thank you.
Now, here's the latest creation
from Gay Paree.
Why, they're rather cute.
Would you mind
modeling them for me?
Anything to make
a dishonest dollar.
All right.
You may go in there.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
[HUMMING]
Oh, excuse me.
But Millie, it's true.
You go to that address,
like I told you,
and you'll find out what
a two-timer Shemp really is.
Is he there now?
Sure.
He's there with her right now.
Attagirl. Goodbye.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, now to call Belle's husband.
Whew. What a long prefix.
Hello, Moe?
Well, I've found him.
Well, here it is.
[DOOR BUZZES]
Oh, pardon me.
Well, where is he? Where's that
faithless Shemp?
BELLE: Who?
MILLIE: Don't act so innocent.
You're not fooling me.
BELLE:
Well, just a moment, now.
I'm gonna look for myself.
It's no use lying to me.
Larry told me
he was here with you.
That double-crossing skunk.
Do you know Larry?
Yes, and I suppose I'm gonna
have to marry him after all.
Over my dead body.
Mine too.
What was that?
Well, I...
[DOOR OPENING]
I'll murder him!
Moe!
Where is he?
I'll murder him!
I'll tear him to pieces,
that's what I'll...!
[GUNSHOT]
Oh! Help!
Help me up!
Ow! Help!
Ow! Ow!
Well, shrink your head,
pull in your ears.
MOE:
Help, help me out!
Help! Help!
Ow! Oh!
Oh, my nose.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my nose.
He's in here someplace.
I'll find him.
Where'd you hide him?
Which way did he go?
Thanks, buddy.
Come down or I'll shoot!
SHEMP: Ow!
I got him.
Oh!
Oh.
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, my head.
Hello, children.
I'm a little early, but I got
a lot of running to do.
Blitzen is in the kitchen,
and Prancer's got
the antsers in his pantsers.
Merry Christmas!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you, eh?
No.
Take off that beard.
Okay, I'll take it off.
I'll...
Why, you...
Ooh!
Oh, my.
[SPITS]
[GIBBERING]
Get me a towel!
I'll get you, you home-wrecker!
Where is he?
Where is he? That dirty rat.
I'll murder him!
[BIRD CHIRPING]
[TITTERS]
[WHISTLES]
Huh?
Ooh!
[CLATTERING]
Oh!
That's what you get
for tripping me.
I tell you I don't know
what you're talking about.
He must have come back in here.
I'll fill him full of holes.
Give me that.
Now, you'll shoot somebody!
Turn me loose, I tell you!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
MOE:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[GRUNTS]
Oh, I got you at last, eh?
Why, you...
You!
Moe, wait a minute.
You dirty rat!
I didn't do nothing!
[GUNSHOTS]
Wait a minute. I...
Moe!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Let me go.
I got your boyfriend.
I shot him right...
Ah! Ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Oh, oh! Ooh! Ooh!
[♪♪♪]