Hawk and Rev: Vampire Slayers (2020) - full transcript
Hawk Hawkins doesn't just dream about killing vampires... he eats, sleeps and breathes it. After getting kicked out the Army for staking a fellow soldier, Hawk finds himself working as a night security guard at a deserted office park. Just when it looks like all his options in life have expired and he might die of boredom, low and behold, vampires appear on his watch and of course... Nobody believes him! His back against the wall and out of options, Hawk takes matters into his own hands, enlisting the help of his dimwitted janitor friend Rev to help him save the world from evil blood-sucking Vampires, or at least his town anyway. (feature/comedy)
Yeah, of course we're
still exclusive, Tiff.
Oh, don't listen to Chelsea.
Chelsea asked me before
I even knew we were
so it's like, I don't
know what to tell her.
Hey, hold on.
Hello?
Hey, who's there?
Hey, whoever you are, show
yourself.
That's what I thought, some
pussy ass kids or something.
No, of course I'm not
gonna bone her, okay?
You know, she smells
like a rotten pumpkin.
Chelsea?
She looks like Don Knotts.
Gross!
Whoa!
Yo, yo, bro.
I'm a real deal legit
MMA champ around here.
You're tangling with
the fucking king, bruh.
Oh, that's how it's gonna be?
This motherfucker wants to step
to me?
Tiff, I'm gonna have to call you
back.
Hello?
Thad?
Hello?
Whatever.
I better not catch you fucking
Chelsea.
You are so disgusting.
Fuck off!
♪ Hawk and Rev
save another day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing
them away ♪
♪ Step up, step up ♪
Not cool, guys!
Not cool!
Come on, seriously?
♪ Baby, my baby ♪
Mom!
Dad?
Hello?
Hey!
Come on, you little bitch.
♪ From the inside
to the outside ♪
♪ The beast is getting low ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Crap.
Son of a bitch!
Fuck!
Huh, nice try, assholes.
♪ You have my word as the
branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
Dear
Hawk, when we asked you
to move out six months ago,
we did not mean into the
backyard.
Your hobo camp is
killing the grass
and the neighbors
complained to the city
about the smell again.
Also, if you're reading
this, you broke in.
But this time, the
alarm was on, wasn't it?
That's right.
The police are on their way
and you're no longer authorized
to be on the property.
Again, this does not mean
we don't love you, son.
It just means it's time
to leave the nest.
All the best, mom and dad.
Oh!
You get back
here, you son of a bitch!
Sorry I'm late.
This rabid soccer mom
just tried to murder
me with her minivan.
You wanna talk about it?
No!
I want her to die.
That's good.
Get the anger out.
Fine.
I want her little shiny
minivan to explode into flames
and her whole un-American
soccer-playing family
to roast alive and crackle!
Okay, I get it.
We all have our inner
battles to fight.
Why don't you join in?
It might make you feel better.
What, do I just...
Yeah, like that.
Just like...
Yeah.
Yeah, focus on your breathing.
That's good.
Just like that.
Wow.
That's good, Hawk.
How does this help
us kick ass again?
It doesn't.
I'm a vegan pacifist, remember?
What, are we supposed to keep
doing it?
Yes, until you come
to terms with your anger
and you can manage it.
Yeah, well, that could be a
while.
My asshole parents just
kicked me out again.
I thought you were out.
I was out,
in the yard.
Now they want me out out,
like off the property.
Well, it is about time, right?
Who's freaking side are you on
here?
That's good, Hawk.
Go for it.
Express how you really feel.
Fine!
I want them to die, Rev.
I want them all to die, every
one!
I want everyone to die!
Death, dismember, dead,
murder!
Okay.
We might be here a while.
In other news
tonight, local MMA champ,
Thadwick Dunfrey was
found dead earlier today.
Police claim it's an isolated
incident
with no connection to
all the other recent...
I'm sorry.
Where was I?
You were explaining why you
were late
again.
Jesus Christ!
What's the big deal?
It's an empty goddamn
building for Christ's sakes.
First of all, please stop
using the Lord's name in vain.
And second, your shift
starts at seven, Hawk.
And every time you're late, you
really...
You screw me.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't tell your wives.
I mean, this has got to stop.
I got it.
I'm sorry.
My asshole prick parents
finally kicked me out.
It's been kind of a rough day.
Look on the bright side.
I mean, at least you can
finally get your own place.
Yeah, right.
I could barely even get this
shit job
after Uncle Sam boned me
on that whole assault BS.
Well, you did stab a fellow
soldier with a two by four.
Prepare to face your death,
Dirkman.
Never, human scum!
Take that, you undead piece of
garbage.
Shit, I guess I'm going to
prison.
He was a bloodsucking,
allergic to the sun,
filthy ass vampire, Arnold,
and I would stab him a
thousand more times if I could.
You do realize vampires
don't exist, right?
If they don't exist,
why the hell did I stab
that man with a two by four?
'Cause you're a paranoid
schizophrenic
who better be taking his meds
or his PO is gonna
be getting a call.
All right, all right.
Jesus!
No need for threats.
Hey, you mind if I
leave some of my stuff?
Absolutely not.
And in lieu of your tardiness,
I'm gonna need you to
drop some breaks tonight.
My breaks are legally mandated
by the federal government.
And if you've got a problem with
that,
you take it up with the damn
liberals.
I thought you were an
anarchist.
Not when it comes to my
breaks.
♪ And if we don't need
to fight to survive ♪
♪ Just surrender the fight ♪
♪ If we don't need to
see all that is wrong ♪
♪ Then just I do ♪
♪ The boys are right ♪
Holy shit!
I feel like we really
sank our teeth into them.
I can still taste the blood.
Mother effin' vampires.
This way, Forneus.
Say cheese, fang faces.
What was that?
Oh, shit!
It came from over here.
Must have just been a
headlight or something.
All right.
Let's get this little guy
inside.
I'm famished.
Come on, Forneus.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Either they're filming
another remake of Lost Boys
or I just saw some filthy ass
vampires.
Office, ASAP.
You did not office ASAP.
I was on the bus.
But I called and told
you I saw vampires,
like straight out of Lost Boys.
Again, I was on the bus.
Is that porn?
No, it's public domain.
It's porn.
It's nonxploitation, actually.
Non?
You know what, Hawk, never mind.
What is it that I'm doing here?
I mean, this isn't like the
first time
that this has happened before.
Actually, Rev, it's
very, very different.
How so?
Well, for one,
they had one of those guys
in a leather mask deal.
Like a gimp?
Yeah, on a leash,
and they went into 201.
201's vacant.
Not anymore it's not.
It's filled with a bunch of
these guys
and their beady black
eyes and bloody mouths.
I thought you couldn't
take pictures of vampires.
So I don't understand.
They don't give you a key?
It isn't in the contract.
They didn't give me healthcare
either.
So you're just supposed to
guard
the outside of the building?
Yeah.
I guess whatever they
do behind closed doors
is their business.
What about you?
You're the janitor.
Don't you get a key?
Actually, I'm the
groundskeeper, so.
Whatever.
Is that an actual lock pick?
Negative.
It's my mini Swiss army.
What?
It's good enough for the Swiss
army,
it's good enough for me.
All right, I need to get back
to work.
That dog poop is not gonna clean
itself.
Ooh, Rev, look at this.
Hawk, no, no, no.
That's, that's oil.
Oh, that's oil.
That comes from cars.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
I swear to God, Rev, on my
mother's grave, I saw them.
Your mother's alive, Hawk.
Your mother's alive.
Dammit.
Hawk, I told you not
to call this number.
You gotta call dispatch.
Yeah, sorry, Jack.
It's just, they keep hanging up
on me.
And my fight against the
injustice and supernatural,
it just can't wait.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Okay.
I wanna report some very highly,
extremely suspicious activity.
Mm-hmm.
Earlier tonight, this
very highly suspicious SUV
pulled up in our alley.
So naturally, I went to go check
it out.
Naturally.
Yeah, so I went over
there
and what do you know,
out popped two vampires.
Two vampires?
Yeah, like the
gang from Lost Boys.
The original or the
sequels?
The original.
Not such a big fan of the
sequels.
Yeah, me neither.
You do realize that
false reporting of crime
is a violation of your
probation.
This actually happened.
That's what you said
about the sleeper cell.
Yes, but this time is
different.
And that's also what you said
about the Russians invading.
Well, I saw Red Dawn one
too many times that week.
And the werewolves?
Well, that time, I just plain
messed up.
All right, Hawk, here's
what's gonna happen.
You stop calling in crazy stuff
in the middle of the night.
In exchange, I'm not gonna
arrest you.
Got it?
- But...
- Bye.
Goddammit.
♪ Oh, Hawk, no one ever believes
you ♪
♪ Nobody ever sees you ♪
♪ In the way that you wanna be
seen ♪
♪ Baby, don't you know ♪
♪ You're just a lone ranger ♪
♪ There ain't no danger ♪
♪ Oh, just let it be, just let
it be ♪
♪ Oh, let it be ♪
Any more sightings?
No.
I don't what happened.
They just disappeared or
something,
kinda like all these folks.
Yeah, that's what they do.
What, the people or the
vampires?
The imaginary things
you see in your head.
I did not imagine them, Rev.
Well, at least you didn't
call the police again.
That's good.
No!
It doesn't even matter.
They didn't believe me anyway,
so.
You reported vampires
with a gimp on a leash.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
Oh, come on, Hawk.
I'm sorry.
I just, I don't wanna see you
get in trouble again, that's
all.
I agree, Rev.
You are sorry.
You're a four-eyed,
bird-legged groundskeeper
who doubts his friends.
Are we still doing tai chi
today?
I only do tai chi with my
friends.
♪ Well, I didn't sleep a wink
last night ♪
♪ Work's drying up and money's
tight ♪
You talking to me, fang face?
What's that, blood sucker?
Oh, you want my life force?
Why don't you come take
it then, you corpse?
♪ There's holes on my safety net ♪
♪ And it's a goddamn lie
when I say I'm doing fine ♪
♪ Didn't think this was
what I'm supposed to get ♪
♪ By doing everything that I ♪
Oh!
Hey, Terry!
What the hell, man?
Hey, Hawk.
I didn't realize you were home.
What the hell does that mean?
No, I called it in because I
thought it was a real threat.
These three vampires.
Yeah.
Well, no.
Two of them were vampires,
one of them was a gimp.
A gimp.
Yes, on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yes!
Jesus Christ, has no one
in this town heard of S&M?
I'm a Mormon, Hawk.
And please, stop using
the Lord's name in vain!
What is your point, Arnold?
That is my point.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Yeah, I just wanted to say I'm
real sorry
about calling you four eyed,
bird legged,
and ignoring you on the
beach earlier today.
It just, it really hurts
when my only friend in the
world doesn't believe me.
Anyway, I've been thinking more
about it,
and it is all in my head.
Maybe I've been imagining the
whole thing.
Holy shit!
They're back.
We should probably call this
in.
I already did, remember?
They're not gonna believe us.
What if I do it?
They'll still think it's me.
Trust me.
You call them that much?
The world's a terrifying
place, Rev.
Shit!
Did they see us?
No.
Did they see us?
Shh.
Are you kidding me?
Sorry.
Wow, look at that gimp.
I think I sharted.
Oh, God.
All right, I'll be willing to
consider...
Yes, I knew it.
If and only if we lay
out some ground rules.
Rules of engagement.
I love it.
What did you have in mind?
First off, no hurting
or killing of any kind.
Wait, does that rule out
staking?
Staking hurts and/or kills.
Okay.
What about asphyxiation by
garlic?
Asphyxiat...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxi...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxiation implies hurting
or killing.
Okay, well, how about
holy water boarding?
Water boarding is torture.
So even if it's holy?
Yes, that is the same...
Secondly, we get help.
No, no.
I'm a black belt and I
was army special ops.
I got this.
You guarded urinal cakes and
TP, Hawk.
Fine.
I got a guy.
I'll text him.
And no arrests.
What?
Jesus Christ!
Are you really gonna wear that?
I like my jumpsuit.
Yeah, but you always wear
them.
I mean, what if we have to
do cloak and dagger stuff?
What, like sitting on street
corners?
Oh, shit.
There he is.
Where'd you find this guy?
Oh, army prison, maximum
security.
Put these on your faces.
And get in.
Okay, take off the blindfolds.
Hawk, he's got a gun.
No shit, Rev.
Okay, tell me who sent you.
Tell me or you're gonna
know what it's like
to have hot metal pierce your
flesh.
Actually, I kinda know
what that feels like.
I actually shot myself in
bootcamp.
Shut up.
Who are you?
It's Hawk from cell block
nine.
You stopped that Nazi
skinhead from raping me.
I'm the guy who stabbed
the vampire soldier with a two
by four.
Oh, yeah.
I remember you.
You're the dumbest guy I ever
met.
Oh, that's him.
Shut the fuck up, hippie!
Oh, no, no, no.
He's cool, he's cool.
This is my partner, Rev.
It's not his fault.
His folks brought him up on a
vegan, yogi, nudist commune.
What are you looking at,
hippie?
Nothing.
No, you're looking at my eye.
No, I wasn't.
I swear.
You're making fun of my
handicap.
No, sir.
You know what?
I lost this eye so you could buy
gas
for that foreign car you drive.
I'm a bus passenger.
- I don't drive.
- Shut up.
You were saying.
Oh, yeah.
We got a vampire problem.
Vampire?
Uh-huh.
Black eyes, blood mouths,
and a gimp on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yeah, like an S&M mask or
whatever.
I'll look into it.
Actually, we were hoping
that you might wanna
maybe take care of this
with us, like together.
You know what?
I'm more of a lone wolf
type of operator so...
That's great.
We love wolves.
Yeah, they're our favorite
animal.
I work alone, no partners.
I tend to kill 'em.
So if there's nothing else.
No, wait.
What about being like a mentor?
You ever thought about that?
I mean, you can still
be your lone wolf self,
but you can also help
out some cubs in need
and passing down your lone wolf
tricks.
And what's in it for the lone
wolf?
I guess these cubs could do
things with their cub talents
like this cub can guard.
And this cub's a
groundskeeping engineer.
Like a janitor?
Yeah, but on the outside.
Hmm, like a guard?
Less with plants.
I looked at your eye.
All right, here's a list.
Meet me here after sundown.
And remember, this mission and
my mentorship, a top secret.
You understand?
Sir, yes, sir.
Sir, yes, sir.
What the hell was that?
I'm saluting you, sir.
You're our lone wolf mentor now,
sir.
Sir, yes,
sir, yes, sir.
Cut the shit.
Now, close your eyes
and count to a hundred.
Don't even!
One, two,
three, four.
I feel like that went really
well.
I think so too.
I said a hundred.
Five.
Six, seven,
eight, nine,
10, 11,
12, 13.
When do we stop?
14, 15.
Keep going, Rev.
- Six, seven, 18.
- What?
- You went backwards.
- 19.
Okay, item one, garlic, five
pounds.
Grocery store?
Yeah, but remember, no
asphyx...
Asphyxiation.
Yes, I got it.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
I'm only touching organic
garlic.
It just seems like a
conspiracy.
One could say the same
thing about vampires.
Item two, two by fours, lots.
I guess the lumber company.
Yeah, but remember, no
staking.
Yes, I remember.
Here you go.
You got this.
Yeah, it's too much.
I'm gonna fall.
Yeah, I'm gonna fall.
I am, I am.
Are you good?
No, I'm falling.
I'm falling.
Item three, holy water, 10
gallons.
I guess we're in the right place
for that.
Uh-huh, but just remember...
For the love of goddamn
Satan, Rev, I got it.
Jesus Christ.
Sorry, sisters.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Yeah, hi there.
My friend here and I, we do
baptisms
and we kinda ran out of holy
water.
How much did you need?
10 gallons would do the trick.
gallons?
Yeah, 10 gallons.
Wow, that's a lot of baptisms.
What can I say?
Folks love almost drowning for
their fate.
Are you guys hunting vampires?
No, why would you ask that?
Yeah, that's a weird question.
Not really when you think
about it.
Guys, relax, okay?
Your secret's safe with me.
I'm actually writing a book
about vampires
and was hoping to tag along
with a couple of real vampire
slayers, maybe even help out,
you know, for research.
- Yeah, that might work.
- Uh, no.
Help from a girl and a writer?
I don't think so.
Well, maybe I should
call the authorities then.
Nope.
Welcome co the team.
Great, what are we
supposed to do with this?
What do you think?
Spray it on damn vampires, Rev.
Well, it's just so small.
Well, then we'll mix it with
water.
But then it'll be diluted.
Can you just let me
decompress?
We just got blackmailed by a
girl writer.
Yeah, but at least
she gave you her number.
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Okay.
Strip.
What?
Is he kidding?
I don't kid about wires.
Do it!
This is ridiculous.
Who would we even wear a wire
for?
Yeah, that's a really good
point.
I will shoot you dead
right here on this road.
Do it!
He's got a lot more clothes.
All the way, let's go.
Now bend over and cough.
No, come on.
Now, jack offs!
All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
Where's my stuff?
What the hell is this?
It's all they had.
Give me the two by fours.
Just so you know, we tried
to get lots of two by fours
but we could only safely
carry one on a bike at a time.
And the garlic?
They only had one bag left,
organic.
Rev said the GMO ones
give you kids with tails.
And deformed limbs.
Tell him about that girl
we met at the store.
She's our new teammate.
She's a mystery novelist,
and she gave Hawk her number.
No, Rev.
I had the lowest of
hopes of you two idiots.
This is pathetic!
Does this mean the mentorship
is over?
You wanna know what it means?
It means if you two come
anywhere near me.
Give me the clothes.
Give me the clothes, now!
I need help.
I looked at your eye again.
I didn't mean to.
Have fun walking, turd birds.
Wow.
Your parents' backyard
was pretty bleak but...
What?
No, it's fine.
It's pretty bad, Hawk.
Well, I don't blame him for a
second.
I mean, my PTSD was
raging after my discharge.
Look at these little guys.
Easter bunnies.
Nanny cams.
I used them to film my
ex-girlfriend all the time.
She was a nanny?
No, I filmed her having sex.
You made pornos with her?
No, I wasn't in any of them.
Can we change the subject?
You mean, like she
changed sexual partners
behind my back all the time?
Maybe I should go.
You haven't even met my
arsenal yet.
Hey, arsenal.
Wow, that's a lot of garden
tools.
I know.
I can't touch any weapons
since my incident.
Well, except for this.
Good enough for the Swiss
army...
Good enough for me.
Oh, and this.
What the heck is that?
My secret stake.
I always carry it.
You didn't have it before.
Yes, I did, it was just a
secret.
I thought we agreed
no hurting or killing,
and that includes staking.
We did, and this is a secret.
Lose it or you'll be on your
own.
Or worse, with that guy.
No, you can't claim the ferret
if it doesn't do work for you,
mom.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Terry.
Great, so no more vampires.
Oh, no, they're still here.
Give me a break, Hawk.
You know what, Arnold?
Next time I see one, I'll
rip its damn head off
and give it to you in a bag.
As long as you're not late,
that's cool.
Hey, hold it right there!
See, I told you!
Oh, no, wait, that's just
Rev, the groundskeeper.
You shouldn't sneak around
like that.
Yeah, I was just trying
to find the light switch.
Is that a cape you're wearing?
That is correct.
Go home to your wives, Arnold.
Wife!
Whatever.
I got this.
All right, just stay out of
trouble.
I thought you said to come
suited up.
Yeah, not in the uniform of
our enemy.
Capes are also worn by
superheroes.
Take it off!
What the hell is this?
Anchor.
I thought we could use it for
grappling.
I can't wait to grapple
the hell out of a vampire.
No, no, no.
Grappling as in climbing.
But can I still grapple
a vampire head with it?
No.
Fine, keep it.
Hey, Rev.
Yeah, Hawk?
You know what time it is?
7:30-ish?
There's no sun in here.
Negative.
It's beast time.
You know, like go time.
Like time to pay the piper.
Like I'm too old for this shit.
Like you're gonna need a bigger
boat.
Like always bet on black.
Like after fucking your
wife, I'll have two more.
Like you're the disease and I'm
the cure!
Like I'm mad as hell and
I'm not gonna take it!
Like I'll be back.
Like go ahead, make my day,
punk!
Like here's Johnny!
Huh?
Like yippee-ki-yay,
motherfucker.
Wax on, wax off.
I feel the need for speed.
Adrian!
I see dead people.
No one puts Baby in the corner!
Like Free Willy.
- No, never mind.
- I like that one.
- I like that one.
- No.
I can't believe you
don't know any of those.
Any of what?
Any of those lines.
You never seen a movie?
Those are from movies?
Oh, my God.
♪ Bang bang, big finger on the
trigger ♪
♪ Hey, it's getting bigger ♪
♪ You're looking manic, yeah ♪
♪ Bang bang, baby point me to
the fun ♪
♪ Shoot me like a gun ♪
♪ Like a love automatic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ Run run for cover, I've got a
gun ♪
♪ And I'm shooting love, don't
panic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ It's now or never,
I've got your number ♪
Okay, we need a rope.
I got the anchor.
I thought you said you
were gonna bring a rope.
You told me to bring the
anchor.
Goddammit, Rev.
Now one of us has to go back.
It's not good to split up.
Why don't I set up the nanny
cams and you can practice
your army special ops
moves on the way back?
You know what?
I got a better idea.
Why don't I go and practice
my army special ops moves
and you set up those nanny cams.
Well, I just said that.
No, you didn't.
Six seconds and counting,
cheetah one-nine.
Any developments, over?
No, all's well, honey
badger.
Copy that.
Over and out.
Honey badger, of all the
nanny cams in the world,
why Easter bunnies?
Two reasons, cheetah
one-nine.
One, it's the only
mainstream religious holiday
that celebrates zombies.
And two, my ex-girlfriend
had an Easter fetish.
If you only knew where those
things have been, over.
That is disgusting, over.
Okay, vampire or werewolf?
Werewolf.
But vampires live
forever.
Yeah, but werewolves have more
sex.
Okay, mermaid or siren?
Siren, male siren, of course.
Come on.
Merpeople are amphibious.
Yeah, but male sirens
have shitloads of sex
and all they have to do is sing
for it.
Okay, Big Foot or Yeti?
Big Foot, obviously.
Ah, but Yetis could
live in the Arctic cold
and not freeze to death.
Yeah, but Big Foots
live in nice, warm forests
where they have buttloads of
sex, over.
You really need
a girlfriend, Hawk.
That's a 10-4, little buddy.
Holy shit, we've got company.
Mayday, mayday!
Abort, abort!
What's going on down there?
Mayday, mayday!
Honey badger, come in.
Abort the mission!
Honey badger!
Abort the mission,
over!
Honey badger, are you alive,
over?
Honey badger, come in.
I'm in the dumpster
below, cheetah one-nine, over.
Honey badger, I thought
they got you, over.
I kinda wish they had.
It smells like 10 dead
hookers in here, over.
Better than the Easter
bunnies, over.
10-4, cheetah one-nine.
Is the coast clear, over?
Hang tight.
Honey badger, the coast is
most definitely not clear.
You've got a bogey flying in
over.
Come again, over.
Honey badger, you've
got a vamp on you in five.
Oh, crap.
Should I get him with a garden
trowel?
No, camouflage yourself.
Four.
Blast him with the holy water?
You're running out of
time, buddy.
Three.
Should I hit him with my
secret stake?
I thought we agreed no secret
stake.
Two.
We did, but it's a secret.
Hey, one!
Hey, look at this.
Somebody left a perfectly
good hand bulb planting tool.
Well, that's great.
We can finally plant all those
tulip bulbs
you got in Holland, Forneus.
Give me a hand with this one.
It's gonna take all of us.
It's all those damn baby
heads.
How's it looking
out there, cheetah one-nine.
Hold position.
They're almost clear.
Copy that.
What'd throw at me, over?
Oh, dear God!
Oh, my God!
Somebody get me outta here!
Help!
Help!
I can't believe that
son of a bitch vampire
stole my mom's hand bulb
planter.
She's gonna be so pissed.
Hey, good morning, fellas.
You're up early.
As are you, deputy.
Out running lives already, I
see.
Just doing my job.
As are we.
Hmm, so your job is, what,
ninja warrior and Karate Kid
lookalike?
Oh, no.
Yeah, no, we're, it was
dress up day at work.
Yeah, casual Friday.
So you steal all this stuff?
Oh, these old things?
No, we had a charity drive at
work.
So you stole all this
from the charity drive.
No, of course not.
That would be...
Uncharitable?
Exactly.
No, we're transporting
them to a, a hospital.
A hospital.
Which one, specifically?
Oh, you know, it's the one
down,
you know the one.
No, I don't.
It's the one for kids with,
with cancer.
There's a hospital just
for kids with cancer.
Oh, yeah, and it's packed
to the gills with them.
And they're all dying,
all the kids, all of them,
just dropping like
disease-ridden flies
from all the festering.
The cancer.
Yeah, it's a real tragedy.
I, uh,
it's really nice of you guys.
I didn't, it's unexpected.
What about these gardening
tools?
Oh, gardening for the kids
with all the festering...
The cancer.
That's right.
Gardening for cancer.
Yeah.
You guys, you keep up
all the good work, huh.
You too, deputy.
I will.
You take care now.
I'm sorry.
It was either cancer or AIDS.
I figured cancer was more
believable.
♪ And girls will come in festive
clothes ♪
♪ And the boys will wait ♪
It's no big deal.
Hello?
Shit!
Don't fucking hang up
on me!
Oh, crap!
Hello?
You know what, Hawk?
Fuck you!
Oh, hey!
No, no, no, that was not me
who just called and hung up on
you twice.
Yeah, yeah, that is weird.
Yeah, that is my number.
I don't know.
Maybe a serial killer or
something?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That is a weird thing to say to
a girl.
Yeah, yeah, that would be great.
Well, let me give you
directions.
It's kinda hard to find.
♪ We can live forever, girl ♪
♪ We can stay together until
the morning comes tonight ♪
Hey, it's out of control for
sure, dude.
We gotta shred it up
San Muerte style, right?
Okay, man.
All right.
Hey, I know you barneys
are up to something.
It's not funny, man!
Barneys, man.
Dude, I swear, I'm gonna
tell Tegan and Brody, man.
And when they find out,
they're gonna Tegan and Brody
you, dude.
Look, look, man.
You're not Santa Muerte.
I don't know where you think you
are,
but this ain't your break!
Go back to your own break, kook.
That's what I thought.
God dang it!
Wow, I've never been booty
called to a tent before.
You're welcome, little lady.
You want some cowboy coffee?
Hey, Terry.
Hey, Hawk.
So this is all temporary,
right?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I stayed with my folks
right after my discharge.
I had a little PTSD.
And we didn't get along so well,
but I'm looking for a place.
Where were you stationed?
Mostly Fort Leavenworth,
Kansas.
Where the prison is, right?
Yeah, I was in a bad, bad
place,
but, you know, I'm all better
now.
Wait, you were in the prison?
Yeah, the army doesn't
like you driving stakes
through its privates, and by
that, I mean Private Dirkman.
He was a vampire, by the way.
Are you taking notes?
I am a writer.
That's what we do.
Am I like the star of your
book?
Hard to say.
Maybe.
You think she's a double
agent?
I think she was definitely
pumping me for information.
I think you should be so
lucky.
I think she was the
lucky one in that scenario.
I pumped her right back,
not for information though.
Thanks for that, Hawk.
I had sex with her,
Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, stop, too far.
Let's back it up.
Back it up.
Let's go.
I had sex with her, Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
In her vagina hole.
I don't wanna know about
it.
Okay, this is it.
I got it.
Foot it.
I know how to work a ladder,
Hawk.
Okay.
After you, sir.
Oh, no, no, no.
You first.
I would rather you
went.
My mother taught
me to be a gentleman.
Just go, please.
- No.
- Just go!
No!
- Go!
- No!
- Go!
- No!
Yes!
Move it.
We've got nanny cams to
place and vampires to catch.
I mean, to stake.
I mean, no, to catch.
One, step into position.
Two, scan the perimeter.
Three, pick an enemy.
Four, strike up conversation.
Five, ready your pitchfork.
And six...
Wait, I have a question.
Number four, the conversation,
can you explain that a bit?
Yes, you strike up
conversation
so they let down their guard.
I usually go with something like
this.
Hey, fucking corpse face.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, blood
shitbag.
I hear you wanna eat nice
innocent Americans for dinner.
Oh, yeah?
Well, not on my watch,
bloodsucking vampire scum!
Take that, you
filthy ass blood sucker!
New rule, no weapons.
Vampires, huh?
Oh, yeah, there are shit tons
of 'em.
What about werewolves?
Oh, yeah, they're a big
problem too,
just roaming around in
packs, eating livestock,
pissing everywhere.
Filthy goddamn creatures.
Yes.
Absolutely.
No.
Yes.
Maybe?
Yes.
No.
And hell yes.
Hey, have you ever gotten
your chromosomes checked?
Is that like getting
your testicles checked?
Look, about last night.
If you tell anyone, it's
never gonna happen again.
I mean, like never.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Like not even Rev?
Especially not Rev!
Also, if I get pregnant,
I'm not keeping the baby.
It would be irresponsible
to bring your spawn into this
world.
Well< I feel like it would
be irresponsible not to.
I mean, who's gonna deal
with all these supernatural
creatures
dicking around in the world when
I'm gone?
A bunch of baby Hawks, that's
who.
Humanity's survival depends on
us.
Nope, that's not happening.
Sorry.
Hey, wait up.
Nope.
Question.
Why are we doing bird calls
again?
Answer, your walkie dies.
Why can't we just whistle?
Whistling is most obviously
human, Rev.
Even retards know that.
That's highly insensitive,
Hawk.
Not if you compare it to
getting your ass eaten alive
by bloodsucking vampires it's
not.
Can we try the scarlet warbler?
Indeed.
Are you going to the bathroom?
What?
I had to go!
Are you all done in there?
Back off, Terry.
You know, I just, you know,
I've been going through
this transformation.
It hasn't been all cute and
cuddly, as you two know.
Anyway, I'm really sorry about
the hassle.
And you know, if you
two wanna give it a go,
I'm game for it, so.
Well, I think I speak for
both of us when I saw we're in
just as long as we don't
have to get naked again.
No, no more nudity.
I mean, unless you wanna do it.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
Well, in the spirit of all
this newfound reconciliation...
What is that?
What is what?
Huh?
I can feel my skull.
The voices in my head, in the
sky.
Bats, they're coming.
Go in.
They're everywhere!
It's the end of the world!
We're all doomed!
We're all gonna die!
Run!
Wow.
Whoa.
♪ Have you ever met this lady ♪
That's the way to do it.
Come to papa, baby.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh-huh.
What, what's happening?
♪ Have you ever seen this lady ♪
♪ She likes to dance ♪
Oh, there we go.
Oh, nope, sorry about that.
It got a little lonely at hobo
camp.
Anyway, orange or grape soda?
I don't drink that stuff.
Chicharrones?
No, I'm a vegan.
So?
So I don't eat fried pig skin.
You vegans are all so angry.
We just don't eat animals.
I'd like to make a toast.
To us, to the mission, and
to kicking mucho vampire ass.
And to not staking, no
asphyxiation,
and not getting arrested.
To doing nothing fun to
vampires.
Maybe they took the night off.
They're vampires, Rev.
They don't take nights off.
They don't socialize.
They focus on one thing
and only one thing.
Murder.
I thought they did this for
food.
Sure, but at the end of every
night,
there's still a bunch of damn
murders.
What about that pig
that ave its life for your
chicharrones?
Are you really comparing me
to bloodsucking filthy
ass vampires right now?
All I'm saying is maybe
they do other things besides...
Oh, really?
Like what?
I don't know, like candle-lit
dinners,
long walks on the beach,
going to the library,
visit an amusement park,
skip with their friends,
play hopscotch, collect turtles,
watch butterflies in the summer
evenings.
Imagine how many books you
could read if you live forever.
You just know how to
ruin things, don't you?
This is so boring.
I just wanna stab a vampire.
I mean, catch a vampire.
Get off me, Rev.
Get off!
Get off me.
God!
What time is it?
I don't know, late.
I need to get to work.
Whatever.
I can't be partners with a
quitter.
I have a job.
Wait, look!
Dude, I'm just saying,
they all taste different.
Blood or the girls?
Come to think of it, both.
That is disgusting.
Shit, that's nothing.
Did I tell you about that time
I hit the all lady biker gang?
Oh, my God, this is so great.
We're gonna hit those three
vampire birds
with one kick ass vampire
slaying stone!
Yeah, except there's two of
us.
Yeah, so?
So that saying doesn't work?
Why?
Because the odds are worse?
No, the odds are better.
It's just, you're missing the
point.
Well, I feel like you're
looking at it
with a glass half empty
attitude.
And I think you don't
understand either saying.
Well, I think you're a
quitter.
I ain't quit!
That's what all quitters
tell themselves, Rev.
All right, I checked online
and it's our right as Americans
to citizen's arrest their
filthy vampire asses.
You got your ID?
You know what this is?
A cassette tape.
Of the worst Christian
hard rock band ever recorded.
It's so bad, even Christians
cry when they hear it.
How do you know it
will work on vampires?
I don't.
Can I get the smoke bombs?
You know, I'm sensing
kind of a quitter vibe from you
right now.
I really need you to quit
that shit right now, Rev
and get pumped up.
I'm pumped.
You don't seem very pumped.
I'm totally pumped.
I need you really pumped!
I'm super gosh darn pumped.
The makeup looks great, by the
way.
Oh, thanks.
It's not makeup, it's
camouflage.
Whoa, Forneus, take it easy.
You guys expecting anyone?
Hey, pizza delivery.
Did you guys order a pizza?
Well, somebody ordered a
pizza.
Man, it might have been me.
I got this new medicine.
Smells good.
You mind if I come in?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in, man.
The more, the merrier.
So how much do I owe you, my
man?
You must think you're pretty
smart, huh,
just invading my territory.
No, I mean, there's
plenty of gigs to go around.
Yeah, I mean, this whole area's
super happening right now.
You know don't play dumb with
me.
I know what you're doing,
and I don't appreciate the
competition.
Competition?
We all have different sounds,
man.
Yeah, I mean
that's what's so great
about the music business.
The only business I wanna
talk about is vampire business
and how you're feeding in my
territory.
Oh, God, please, don't kill
us.
Take what you want.
What kind of shit vampires are
you?
Freeze, fang faces!
Hands in the air,
vampires!
Jasper?
What's he doing here?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing
here?
I was just, you know,
making sure the pool was clean
and secure
before you boys jumped on in.
Pool?
What pool?
There's a pool here?
It's an analogy.
I was being a good mentor,
you know, testing the waters,
making sure it's safe.
He's so nice.
He just gets nicer every time we
meet him.
Yeah, no problem.
Anyway, go ahead and do your
thing.
Do America proud, boys.
We will!
All right, vampires.
You're under citizen's arrest!
Oh, you are getting raped!
Whoa!
Easy, man.
I'm gonna eat your
flesh and shit it out,
and then I'm going to
fucking eat it again,
you motherfuckers!
I don't think we
talked about that at all.
And then I'm gonna fuck your
ear!
I'm gonna fuck it again!
And I'm gonna fuck your
mother's ear and she's gonna die
and you're gonna die with her,
you vampire little pieces of
shit!
I did not agree to any of
that.
And I'm gonna poop on your
fucking face, you little fucks.
You wanna fucking get some of
this?
Oh my gosh, he's gonna
kill us!
He has a weapon.
Break the door!
Hawk, break the fucking door!
What is it?
Where am I?
Easy, buddy.
You just, you just hit your
little head.
What?
Relax, these guys are on our
side.
But they're vampires.
Uh, no, no.
They're just a goth band.
Crypts and Sorrows of
Darkness.
I came up with the name
during a vision quest
to Romania with Forneus.
But what about the black
eyes,
the blood, the gimp, and 201?
Oh, contact lenses, pig blood.
The gimp is a submissive of this
guy here.
And management neglected to tell
us
they rented it out again.
Oh.
It's all legal.
And avante.
Oh, and one more thing.
Yeah?
Our lone wolf mentor,
he's a filthy ass vampire!
Holy farts.
You think we should wear
these on our backs too
just in case?
Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
Here, let me get that for you.
No.
No way you're getting behind me,
mister.
You tried to eat that goth band.
I just lost it, okay?
Give me a break.
Okay.
If you try anything.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no more
secret stake.
We did.
But you brought it.
Nope, it's a secret.
Yeah, but it's right there.
No, back to being a secret.
Fine.
Hey, guys.
I think we can catch Jasper
in this without killing him.
What is that, a shiny
butterfly net?
No, it's a vampire trap,
actually,
made of silver-plated aircraft
cable.
According to legend,
silver was the only
naturally occurring substance
that could injure a vampire.
Drop him in this and he's
helpless.
Guys,.
It's almost sundown.
What language is that?
Zulu.
♪ Hit it ♪
♪ That's what I'm talking about ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Okay now, from the beginning ♪
You ever thought about
learning to ride a bike, Rev?
Yeah, seriously, Rev.
You're kind of a heavy hippie.
I'm not a hippie, Hawk.
Oh, better watch out.
He's gonna go cannibal again.
Die, yuppie scum!
♪ All you men with suits and
ties ♪
♪ Just sitting in the crowd ♪
♪ I hope you're ready
for what's coming now ♪
♪ I'm the one to bring you down ♪
♪ There's one where the big boys
play ♪
♪ Where the race keeps
going like the river ♪
♪ But they all never come ♪
Guys, this is Theo,
our newest team member,
aka the fiery fox.
Did you just give me a code
name?
I did.
We know her well.
Foxy indeed.
Not to mention fiery.
Wait, you guys know each
other?
Yeah, it was like a,
kinda polyamorous thing.
I told you I went to a
liberal arts college.
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, girl ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, girl ♪
I'm pretty sure this
is Jasper's mom's house.
What do we do if he answers
the door?
Well, normally, I'd say rip
his goddamn vampire head off,
but that'd be against our rules
of engagement, wouldn't it?
You guys have rules of
engagement?
Rev wouldn't join my mission
till I agreed to 'em all.
It's our mission.
And I just thought it'd be
good not to hurt or kill
and then get help and not get
arrested.
That sounds pretty logical to
me.
You two are perfect for each
other.
All right, army special ops
trained me to deal with delicate
matters.
I will do the talking, okay?
Can I help you?
That depends.
Where the hell is your son?
Sorry, what is this in regards
to?
What's the goddamn difference,
lady?
Is this filthy bloodsucking
vampire ass here or what?
We need to ask him some
questions.
Excuse me.
No, excuse him, ma'am.
Besides being extremely rude,
what he forgot to mention
is that we work with Jasper.
Yeah, we're his coworkers.
His work friends.
I'm so pleased to
finally meet some of you.
He doesn't have a lot of
friends.
Oh, that's a big fucking
surprise.
Just ignore him, ma'am.
We all do.
Well, I haven't seen
him since last night.
He left saying
that he was going to assess
the competition or something.
But if there isn't anything
else,
I have a casserole in the oven.
No, ma'am, I'm real sorry
I was so short earlier.
Jasper borrowed this DVD
I rented a while back.
You can still do that, rent
DVDs?
Yeah, of course you can still
do that.
They also charge hella late
fees.
So can we look for it in his
room or...
Which one was it again?
From Dusk till Dawn.
Oh, that vampire movie
with that handsome doctor fella
from TV.
Yeah, it's his favorite, and
the director trying to act.
Yeah.
Well, I'd check the garage.
It's where he's been sleeping
most days.
He's been complaining about
migraines,
can't be in the light.
I don't understand what's going
on.
He was also the
Batman with the nipples.
Geez, talk about frightening.
I bet he's got a whole
coffin of human heads in here.
Don't they sleep in coffins.
Who's to say they
don't snack in them too?
I would.
Gross, you'd get bugs.
He's a vampire, Rev.
They don't give two shits about
bugs.
How'd you know about the DVD?
We were bunkmates in cell
block nine.
It was either watch his favorite
DVD or...
No, I don't wanna know.
Yeah, yeah, you don't.
Hey, guys, look at this.
Who needs this many blood bags?
Same guy who does all this.
Maybe he's just doing a lot of
drugs.
It does kinda Look
like a meth lab in here.
How many meth labs
have you been in, Rev?
Seven.
No,
eight.
Holy shit, guys, look at this.
Whoa, it's like A Beautiful
Mind.
Yeah, but ugly as shit!
I wonder how many cats
he stole this yarn from.
Oh, my God, look at that
little guy.
Come on, Hawk.
This is serious.
I know, Rev.
Look what he's sitting on.
It's a blueprint for the
city's water filtration plant.
Look, here's the well.
What?
How do you know that?
I used to work there.
They fired me 'cause I
tried to excise a demon
from a day shift manager.
Well, they probably
didn't want all that blood
near the city's clean water.
He's gonna poison the well.
And create an army of filthy
ass vampires in the process.
What, what are you looking at?
Bye!
Bye.
We really need to call the
cops.
We already did.
Trust me, they won't even
believe us.
Yeah, they really won't.
Okay, well, then I'll call.
No, they'll still think it's
me.
Yeah, they really will.
You'll probably get arrested.
Aren't you supposed to
be taking notes on this?
No, Hawk, I think we have
bigger problems right now.
Holy shit!
Why didn't I think of that?
Hold on.
Rev, I'm breaking rule three.
God, Hawk, what is it now?
I'm sorry, Jack.
I just wanted to call and
confess
that we lied about those
kids with cancer earlier.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
They still have it, but all
the toys, they were stolen.
Great, then I'll come arrest
you then.
Did you just hang up on me?
I did.
I told you not to call this...
You do that again, I swear to
God,
I'll throw the book at you.
You hear me?
I triple dog dare you, Jack.
Hawk...
You didn't say where, genius.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Just hit redial!
I don't have redial.
You just hit the same button.
Hold on.
Hawk, you are done, do you
hear me?
I'm going to own your ass,
mister!
I forgot to say I'll be at
the water filtration plant.
I am coming for you, you son
of...
He'll be there.
Usually, I get so hard
in a car full of people.
I mean, I'm usually up to fuck,
mmm,
so much.
But I'm scared.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm scared, guys.
I mean, my dick can't
get hard when I'm scared
'cause Andros Junior doesn't
like fear.
He likes pussies.
I wonder what he's doing over
there.
He's probably talking on
the phone with his mommy.
I mean, what kind of loser
ass vampire lives in a garage?
Weren't you living in
your parents' backyard?
Yeah, so what?
So where are you living now,
Hawk?
Uh, in a tent in the
camp down by the gully.
What are you trying to say, Rev?
I'm pretty sure he's trying to
say
at least Jasper lives inside.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Yeah.
Oh, I see how it is.
You know what?
I don't need help, especially
from some girl writer,
and some lame old goth band,
and a sad loser traitor
I thought was my friend.
I really think we
should wait for the cops, Hawk.
Oh, yeah, and just let
that son of a bitch cop
with cool hair take all the
glory?
No freaking way.
And another thing, fiery fox.
If I survive this battle,
we're going on a proper date,
damn it,
not just another
one-night stand in my tent
down in that camp down by the
gully
next to that sad, sad snoring
accountant.
Terry.
I like Terry.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, we're going on a proper
date
to a place named after
a garden or something.
They, they may even prepare
a salad at the table.
I don't know, but we are
going, even if you did have
liberal arts, creepy, poly,
gothic group sex or whatever
with all or most of these
people.
Yeah, that's not what's going
on here.
Yeah.
Believe it or not, we're
monogamous.
It really bothers you, doesn't
it?
No!
I'm coming for you, vampire!
Wait, Hawk, you forgot your
net!
Is the child lock on the door?
I think it's...
I got it.
You let them in my room
without my permission.
I know it's technically the
garage.
That's not the point!
Jesus Christ, Rev.
You can't just sneak
up on people like that.
Sorry, but you forgot the...
Dang it!
Hawk.
Are you crying?
Hawk, this is huge!
Hawk, you're feeling something
other than homicidal rage.
Don't you make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
You are.
No, I'm not.
You are.
I am not.
Are to!
No!
Are to.
Am not.
Should we be helping
them?
Dude, we're musicians.
We don't tussle with vampires.
Totally.
We could tussle with this.
God, you make me so angry!
You're not even a real
pacifist!
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You're so violent.
You make fun of my feelings!
I hate you.
You also let them take
my favorite vampire movie.
You know how much that means to
me.
Yes, I know there are better
movies,
but that's also not the point.
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You, you do this to me!
Mother, I have to go.
Forget something?
Also, where is the vampire?
I'm right here.
Oh, he's out.
I'm warning you, fang face.
I'm a 12-degree black belt.
I was army deep deep special
ops.
And I've battled your loser kind
before.
Yeah, and I...
I got this silver-plated net.
Now, you lay down
those fangs and surrender
or we're gonna be forced to get
physical.
Oh, I got that one.
I love that song,
- get physical.
- Oh, come on, Rev.
I am so gonna enjoy this.
Hey, guys.
Who's your friend with the cool
fangs?
Run, Terry!
What?
- He's a vampire!
- He's a vampire, Terry!
Run!
Vampire?
He's a
fucking, vampire, Terry!
Run!
Wait.
That's not cool.
Terry!
Not cool!
You get off him, you cannibal!
What are you gonna do, cry
about it?
Like you did every night
in cell block nine?
You'd cry too if your
cellmate was a sexual predator.
Yeah!
- Wait, what?
- What, you're...
No one's asking either of you.
Come on, Hawk.
There's no need to get
all up in arms about it.
Catch!
Oh, God!
Oh!
Did he just rip that man's...
Arm off and throw it at 'em?
Not cool!
My arm!
You back away from
that homeless accountant,
you vicious vampire scum!
What's wrong with you,
you bloodsucking bastard!
Pick on someone your own size!
I'm sorry, guys.
Were you trying to get a leg up
on me?
Not my leg!
Not his leg!
Not the leg!
So much blood.
He's laughing at us, Rev!
Come on, man!
He won't stop throwing limbs
at me.
Guys, guys, guys.
No need to lose your head over
it.
Don't you even.
No!
Not the head!
- Please don't do that!
- No, don't.
Not that, no!
Any last words, accountant?
Tell my mom
that she can't write the
ferrets off on federal tax.
But maybe try state because they
can count
as companion animals, you
know, for emotional support.
Emotional support!
No!
No!
No!
No!
You're going down, Hawk.
This is the last time you do
this to me.
Now you're mine.
You know,
I used to be just like you guys.
I fought evil.
I defended the good and the
weak.
Hell, I even had 72 red baron
kills.
You're nothing like us,
vampire.
That is a shit ton of kills.
That is a lot of kills.
Yeah, you're like a mass
murderer.
They're blood suckers, Rev.
Yeah, anyway, you know what I
got
after defending Santa
Muerte for all those years,
after all that blood, sweat and
sacrifice?
I don't know, vampire.
A raging boner load of
your own satisfaction?
That's what I'd have.
I got nothing.
It was meaningless.
I was resigned to my mortal
fate,
until I got a call from a
nursing home
about some old drooling
Nosferatu.
Give up, you old demon!
Never!
Join me, human spawn.
And just like that, I was
immortal,
at the top of the food chain
officially.
And there's plenty of
room up here for you,
your boyfriend,
and his mentally challenged
janitor sidekick.
You should all just join me.
We could rule the world.
We'll never join you, vampire.
Also, Rev is not mentally
challenged.
He is a goddamn groundskeeping
engineer.
Thank you for remembering
that, Hawk.
Also, Hawk is not my
boyfriend.
Wait, what?
You're not my boyfriend, Hawk!
But we had all that sex.
I mean, you even let me do that
thing.
Yeah, she let me do that thing
too, man.
You slept with a vampire?
Dude, this is so boring.
I mean, other than that poor
man's limbs being ripped off.
Yeah, there was that.
I thought Hawk said he was a
black belt.
Come on.
He thought we were vampires.
Where the fuck did you get
popcorn?
Yeah.
When did you pop that?
How do you even get it in your
mouth?
I didn't open your zipper.
Oh, you're doing that yourself
now?
You're motherfucking mine.
Come on, Hawk.
I mean, you just gotta get past
your narrow-minded views of
monogamous relationships.
Yeah.
Seriously, dude, relax.
Hawk, join me.
You can have any man or woman
you want,
be or do anything you want.
And you never have to work
as a small town night
security guard again.
People might even take you
seriously.
I'm not gonna lie, guys.
This is sounding pretty good.
I mean, no one ever takes me
seriously.
- Yeah, they don't.
- They really don't.
At all.
I didn't think it was that
bad.
Look, I appreciate the offer,
vampire.
I really do.
But I'm already pretty
good at kicking asses.
And Theo here, I mean,
she's all the woman I need.
Also, I kinda like being a
small town night security guard
who's bad with women and
people don't take seriously.
It gives me the element of
surprise.
Also, I'm not a cannibal,
and I don't eat people.
That's the same thing.
You just said the same thing
twice.
That's the same.
Yeah, that's the same thing,
man.
You know what?
What-fucking-ever, vampire!
I'm done playing your
bloodsucking games!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, I'm gonna give you one
last chance
to lay down those fangs and
surrender.
Or mark my words as
Hawk-Hawk, vampire slayer,
savior and protector of Santa
Muerte...
Yeah.
I will drive a stake
right through that ass!
Yeah!
Or chest.
What?
You get the idea!
Damn it, I forgot my secret
stake.
If you trace your steps
back, maybe we can figure out.
You had it at the religious
supply store
- so maybe you left it...
- Rev, we get it!
I got this, okay?
Oh, yeah!
Holy shit, that's working!
Oh, vampires don't like Jesus.
Quick, Rev, get the
silver-plated net.
We're taking this one alive.
Right behind you.
Catch!
In the name of the father, the
son
and the motherfucking holy
ghost!
And Jesus!
One.
Two.
Three!
Yeah!
Don't you hiss at my woman, fang
face.
Easy, Hawk.
Yeah, I can take care
of myself, thank you.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot.
Hawk, you know, I'm
just so proud of you.
I really am.
I think you've done a wonderful
job.
Oh, thanks, Rev.
You know what?
I think you can wear one of my
vests now.
You earned it.
Really?
I've always wanted to
wear one of your vests.
Theo, what do you think?
Okay, Hawk, I'll write about
you.
And I will consider being your
girlfriend.
No, no, I mean about
wearing one of my vests.
Oh, my God.
I'll think about it.
Oh no.
What?
Oh, a nick,
or a bite, a bite from a...
The vampire nicked me!
I'm gonna be a blood sucking,
no, I'm gonna be a bloodsucking
vampire!
Stop that!
Just get away!
Get that away from me!
Get the hell back!
I'm a bloodsucking vampire!
Oh no!
Oh God!
Jesus Christ.
Oh God.
Hey, Jack.
We finally caught ourselves a
vampire.
This is Deputy Jack Scroggins.
I'm gonna need some help up here
on the road to Santa Muerte
water filtration plant.
Somebody get my stepmom!
Oh my God!
Also, he may turn into one,
so.
I'm a future killer.
I'm a future killer.
I'm gonna kill people in the
future.
Make that a lot of help.
You did it!
You did it!
Oh God!
Can we get a bandaid?
Horrible timing.
Oh God!
♪ You have my word as the
air earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there
are none ♪
♪ You have my word as the
branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
♪ My baby, my baby ♪
Dear
Hawk, we're so happy
you're feeling well
enough to go back to work.
Maybe you'll finally move out of
the yard,
or better yet, back into the
house.
Love, mom and dad.
♪ Their faces here, they glow ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word as
the earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there
are none ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good, Hawk.
I'm proud of you.
You just take it easy there,
vampire.
I got my eye on you.
I'm not a vampire, silly.
How could I exist in the sun?
I don't know.
Maybe your clean vegan
lifestyle has turned you
into a vegan super vampire
who's impervious to the sun.
Well, I'm not craving
human blood or anything
or any type of blood.
And I'm not thinking about
murder.
Well, that's good.
But if you try anything...
I won't.
Yeah, but if you do.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no
secret stake at tai chi.
We did.
But you still brought it.
I know.
It's a gift.
It's for you.
For me?
Hawk, you son of a bitch.
What's the matter, old boy?
You vampire!
You!
Damn it.
My own secret stake.
Yeah, so this way,
you know, if you turn,
you can just stake yourself
so I don't have to live
with the guilt of it all.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry.
For what?
For saving Santa Muerte
from bloodsucking vampires.
I'm just glad everything's
settled down.
Well, either way, I'll still
be here
carting this empty building.
And you'll be on time.
Jesus Christ, Arnold.
Give me a damn break.
I'll give you a break, Hawk,
when you stop attacking my
religion.
Well, we'll call it a Mexican
standoff.
Speaking of breaks, I
think it's about time
for me to take mine.
You just clocked in.
Take it up with the damn
liberals.
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm back.
How was your gig?
Fucking mummies!
♪ Hawk and Rev doing anything ♪
♪ Saving the world, keeping
everything ♪
♪ Safe for you when you sleep at
night ♪
♪ They'll be asleep just by our
side ♪
♪ Hawk and Rev saving the day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing
them away ♪
♪ Don't have to be tough,
don't have to be strong ♪
♪ Just hold my hand when
the night's been long ♪
♪ Oh, don't you fret my dear ♪
♪ He's gonna make it all right
out here ♪
♪ Santa Muerte's got
themselves some new heroes ♪
So you're
doing that yourself, now?
Take off the mask, Forneus.
Seriously, take it off.
♪ Hawk and Rev ♪
Hawk, what the hell are you
doing?
You're wearing Forneus's gimp
mask.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's just that I get really
lonely down at hobo camp.
Just everyone always leaves me,
like Theo.
I'm just trying to fit in.
What?
You know what, if you guys
aren't gonna accept me,
then I'll just, I'll just go!
Wow.
Can you leave the popcorn at
least?
Fine!
I have the munchies, drama
queen.
Seriously though.
What's his problem?
Drama.
Yeah.
Wait.
Where is
Forneus?
Rev, what
the hell are you doing?
Why are you wearing
Forneus's gimp mask, Rev?
Geeze louise, guys.
You have to get over
your narrow-minded view
of slave/domination.
I mean, it is 2030, right?
It is?
Yeah, it takes a really long
time to make an indie film.
Yeah, I guess he's right.
Oh, wait, popcorn!
Okay.
It's soy milk flavored.
Hmm.
I like soy milk.
Oh, God, that's disgusting!
Hey, guys.
Terry, what the hell are you
doing?
Why are you wearing
Forneus's gimp mask, Terry?
Oh, that.
I'm just trying to get away from
my mom.
She keeps trying to make me do
weird deductions with her taxes,
you know, ferrets, and
barrels of toxic waste,
and a life-sized blow-up
doll of my stepdad.
Gross.
But we just saw
you get ripped to shreds.
By a blood-thirsty vampire.
I know.
It's weird how life works
out sometimes, right?
Who the hell are you?
Yeah, and why are you
wearing Forneus's gimp mask?
I'm Sean.
I'm the cinematographer.
You know, with these low-budget
movies,
you know, not enough
budget for other actors.
Okay, sure.
But then who's...
Yeah, who's filming us right
now?
That's a good question,
actually.
Hasta la vista, baby.
It's Terminator.
Right.
This is the one where
he goes back to the past
to kill, right?
I never saw it.
Hey, this is a
really nice shot, vampire.
Yeah, looking good, vampire
brother.
Whoa, whoa.
Rev, you can't say that.
He's the director.
Plus that's not cool.
Yeah, but I'm also half
vampire now,
so I can say things like that,
right?
I'll always think of you as
a half human hippie janitor.
Well, first off, I'm not a
janitor.
I'm a groundskeeping engineer.
And apparently, I'm an actor,
so.
I looked at your eye again.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
still exclusive, Tiff.
Oh, don't listen to Chelsea.
Chelsea asked me before
I even knew we were
so it's like, I don't
know what to tell her.
Hey, hold on.
Hello?
Hey, who's there?
Hey, whoever you are, show
yourself.
That's what I thought, some
pussy ass kids or something.
No, of course I'm not
gonna bone her, okay?
You know, she smells
like a rotten pumpkin.
Chelsea?
She looks like Don Knotts.
Gross!
Whoa!
Yo, yo, bro.
I'm a real deal legit
MMA champ around here.
You're tangling with
the fucking king, bruh.
Oh, that's how it's gonna be?
This motherfucker wants to step
to me?
Tiff, I'm gonna have to call you
back.
Hello?
Thad?
Hello?
Whatever.
I better not catch you fucking
Chelsea.
You are so disgusting.
Fuck off!
♪ Hawk and Rev
save another day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing
them away ♪
♪ Step up, step up ♪
Not cool, guys!
Not cool!
Come on, seriously?
♪ Baby, my baby ♪
Mom!
Dad?
Hello?
Hey!
Come on, you little bitch.
♪ From the inside
to the outside ♪
♪ The beast is getting low ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Crap.
Son of a bitch!
Fuck!
Huh, nice try, assholes.
♪ You have my word as the
branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
Dear
Hawk, when we asked you
to move out six months ago,
we did not mean into the
backyard.
Your hobo camp is
killing the grass
and the neighbors
complained to the city
about the smell again.
Also, if you're reading
this, you broke in.
But this time, the
alarm was on, wasn't it?
That's right.
The police are on their way
and you're no longer authorized
to be on the property.
Again, this does not mean
we don't love you, son.
It just means it's time
to leave the nest.
All the best, mom and dad.
Oh!
You get back
here, you son of a bitch!
Sorry I'm late.
This rabid soccer mom
just tried to murder
me with her minivan.
You wanna talk about it?
No!
I want her to die.
That's good.
Get the anger out.
Fine.
I want her little shiny
minivan to explode into flames
and her whole un-American
soccer-playing family
to roast alive and crackle!
Okay, I get it.
We all have our inner
battles to fight.
Why don't you join in?
It might make you feel better.
What, do I just...
Yeah, like that.
Just like...
Yeah.
Yeah, focus on your breathing.
That's good.
Just like that.
Wow.
That's good, Hawk.
How does this help
us kick ass again?
It doesn't.
I'm a vegan pacifist, remember?
What, are we supposed to keep
doing it?
Yes, until you come
to terms with your anger
and you can manage it.
Yeah, well, that could be a
while.
My asshole parents just
kicked me out again.
I thought you were out.
I was out,
in the yard.
Now they want me out out,
like off the property.
Well, it is about time, right?
Who's freaking side are you on
here?
That's good, Hawk.
Go for it.
Express how you really feel.
Fine!
I want them to die, Rev.
I want them all to die, every
one!
I want everyone to die!
Death, dismember, dead,
murder!
Okay.
We might be here a while.
In other news
tonight, local MMA champ,
Thadwick Dunfrey was
found dead earlier today.
Police claim it's an isolated
incident
with no connection to
all the other recent...
I'm sorry.
Where was I?
You were explaining why you
were late
again.
Jesus Christ!
What's the big deal?
It's an empty goddamn
building for Christ's sakes.
First of all, please stop
using the Lord's name in vain.
And second, your shift
starts at seven, Hawk.
And every time you're late, you
really...
You screw me.
Oh, don't worry.
I won't tell your wives.
I mean, this has got to stop.
I got it.
I'm sorry.
My asshole prick parents
finally kicked me out.
It's been kind of a rough day.
Look on the bright side.
I mean, at least you can
finally get your own place.
Yeah, right.
I could barely even get this
shit job
after Uncle Sam boned me
on that whole assault BS.
Well, you did stab a fellow
soldier with a two by four.
Prepare to face your death,
Dirkman.
Never, human scum!
Take that, you undead piece of
garbage.
Shit, I guess I'm going to
prison.
He was a bloodsucking,
allergic to the sun,
filthy ass vampire, Arnold,
and I would stab him a
thousand more times if I could.
You do realize vampires
don't exist, right?
If they don't exist,
why the hell did I stab
that man with a two by four?
'Cause you're a paranoid
schizophrenic
who better be taking his meds
or his PO is gonna
be getting a call.
All right, all right.
Jesus!
No need for threats.
Hey, you mind if I
leave some of my stuff?
Absolutely not.
And in lieu of your tardiness,
I'm gonna need you to
drop some breaks tonight.
My breaks are legally mandated
by the federal government.
And if you've got a problem with
that,
you take it up with the damn
liberals.
I thought you were an
anarchist.
Not when it comes to my
breaks.
♪ And if we don't need
to fight to survive ♪
♪ Just surrender the fight ♪
♪ If we don't need to
see all that is wrong ♪
♪ Then just I do ♪
♪ The boys are right ♪
Holy shit!
I feel like we really
sank our teeth into them.
I can still taste the blood.
Mother effin' vampires.
This way, Forneus.
Say cheese, fang faces.
What was that?
Oh, shit!
It came from over here.
Must have just been a
headlight or something.
All right.
Let's get this little guy
inside.
I'm famished.
Come on, Forneus.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Either they're filming
another remake of Lost Boys
or I just saw some filthy ass
vampires.
Office, ASAP.
You did not office ASAP.
I was on the bus.
But I called and told
you I saw vampires,
like straight out of Lost Boys.
Again, I was on the bus.
Is that porn?
No, it's public domain.
It's porn.
It's nonxploitation, actually.
Non?
You know what, Hawk, never mind.
What is it that I'm doing here?
I mean, this isn't like the
first time
that this has happened before.
Actually, Rev, it's
very, very different.
How so?
Well, for one,
they had one of those guys
in a leather mask deal.
Like a gimp?
Yeah, on a leash,
and they went into 201.
201's vacant.
Not anymore it's not.
It's filled with a bunch of
these guys
and their beady black
eyes and bloody mouths.
I thought you couldn't
take pictures of vampires.
So I don't understand.
They don't give you a key?
It isn't in the contract.
They didn't give me healthcare
either.
So you're just supposed to
guard
the outside of the building?
Yeah.
I guess whatever they
do behind closed doors
is their business.
What about you?
You're the janitor.
Don't you get a key?
Actually, I'm the
groundskeeper, so.
Whatever.
Is that an actual lock pick?
Negative.
It's my mini Swiss army.
What?
It's good enough for the Swiss
army,
it's good enough for me.
All right, I need to get back
to work.
That dog poop is not gonna clean
itself.
Ooh, Rev, look at this.
Hawk, no, no, no.
That's, that's oil.
Oh, that's oil.
That comes from cars.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
I swear to God, Rev, on my
mother's grave, I saw them.
Your mother's alive, Hawk.
Your mother's alive.
Dammit.
Hawk, I told you not
to call this number.
You gotta call dispatch.
Yeah, sorry, Jack.
It's just, they keep hanging up
on me.
And my fight against the
injustice and supernatural,
it just can't wait.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Okay.
I wanna report some very highly,
extremely suspicious activity.
Mm-hmm.
Earlier tonight, this
very highly suspicious SUV
pulled up in our alley.
So naturally, I went to go check
it out.
Naturally.
Yeah, so I went over
there
and what do you know,
out popped two vampires.
Two vampires?
Yeah, like the
gang from Lost Boys.
The original or the
sequels?
The original.
Not such a big fan of the
sequels.
Yeah, me neither.
You do realize that
false reporting of crime
is a violation of your
probation.
This actually happened.
That's what you said
about the sleeper cell.
Yes, but this time is
different.
And that's also what you said
about the Russians invading.
Well, I saw Red Dawn one
too many times that week.
And the werewolves?
Well, that time, I just plain
messed up.
All right, Hawk, here's
what's gonna happen.
You stop calling in crazy stuff
in the middle of the night.
In exchange, I'm not gonna
arrest you.
Got it?
- But...
- Bye.
Goddammit.
♪ Oh, Hawk, no one ever believes
you ♪
♪ Nobody ever sees you ♪
♪ In the way that you wanna be
seen ♪
♪ Baby, don't you know ♪
♪ You're just a lone ranger ♪
♪ There ain't no danger ♪
♪ Oh, just let it be, just let
it be ♪
♪ Oh, let it be ♪
Any more sightings?
No.
I don't what happened.
They just disappeared or
something,
kinda like all these folks.
Yeah, that's what they do.
What, the people or the
vampires?
The imaginary things
you see in your head.
I did not imagine them, Rev.
Well, at least you didn't
call the police again.
That's good.
No!
It doesn't even matter.
They didn't believe me anyway,
so.
You reported vampires
with a gimp on a leash.
Oh, okay.
I see how it is.
Oh, come on, Hawk.
I'm sorry.
I just, I don't wanna see you
get in trouble again, that's
all.
I agree, Rev.
You are sorry.
You're a four-eyed,
bird-legged groundskeeper
who doubts his friends.
Are we still doing tai chi
today?
I only do tai chi with my
friends.
♪ Well, I didn't sleep a wink
last night ♪
♪ Work's drying up and money's
tight ♪
You talking to me, fang face?
What's that, blood sucker?
Oh, you want my life force?
Why don't you come take
it then, you corpse?
♪ There's holes on my safety net ♪
♪ And it's a goddamn lie
when I say I'm doing fine ♪
♪ Didn't think this was
what I'm supposed to get ♪
♪ By doing everything that I ♪
Oh!
Hey, Terry!
What the hell, man?
Hey, Hawk.
I didn't realize you were home.
What the hell does that mean?
No, I called it in because I
thought it was a real threat.
These three vampires.
Yeah.
Well, no.
Two of them were vampires,
one of them was a gimp.
A gimp.
Yes, on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yes!
Jesus Christ, has no one
in this town heard of S&M?
I'm a Mormon, Hawk.
And please, stop using
the Lord's name in vain!
What is your point, Arnold?
That is my point.
Hey, it's Hawk.
Yeah, I just wanted to say I'm
real sorry
about calling you four eyed,
bird legged,
and ignoring you on the
beach earlier today.
It just, it really hurts
when my only friend in the
world doesn't believe me.
Anyway, I've been thinking more
about it,
and it is all in my head.
Maybe I've been imagining the
whole thing.
Holy shit!
They're back.
We should probably call this
in.
I already did, remember?
They're not gonna believe us.
What if I do it?
They'll still think it's me.
Trust me.
You call them that much?
The world's a terrifying
place, Rev.
Shit!
Did they see us?
No.
Did they see us?
Shh.
Are you kidding me?
Sorry.
Wow, look at that gimp.
I think I sharted.
Oh, God.
All right, I'll be willing to
consider...
Yes, I knew it.
If and only if we lay
out some ground rules.
Rules of engagement.
I love it.
What did you have in mind?
First off, no hurting
or killing of any kind.
Wait, does that rule out
staking?
Staking hurts and/or kills.
Okay.
What about asphyxiation by
garlic?
Asphyxiat...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxi...
Asphyxiation.
Asphyxiation implies hurting
or killing.
Okay, well, how about
holy water boarding?
Water boarding is torture.
So even if it's holy?
Yes, that is the same...
Secondly, we get help.
No, no.
I'm a black belt and I
was army special ops.
I got this.
You guarded urinal cakes and
TP, Hawk.
Fine.
I got a guy.
I'll text him.
And no arrests.
What?
Jesus Christ!
Are you really gonna wear that?
I like my jumpsuit.
Yeah, but you always wear
them.
I mean, what if we have to
do cloak and dagger stuff?
What, like sitting on street
corners?
Oh, shit.
There he is.
Where'd you find this guy?
Oh, army prison, maximum
security.
Put these on your faces.
And get in.
Okay, take off the blindfolds.
Hawk, he's got a gun.
No shit, Rev.
Okay, tell me who sent you.
Tell me or you're gonna
know what it's like
to have hot metal pierce your
flesh.
Actually, I kinda know
what that feels like.
I actually shot myself in
bootcamp.
Shut up.
Who are you?
It's Hawk from cell block
nine.
You stopped that Nazi
skinhead from raping me.
I'm the guy who stabbed
the vampire soldier with a two
by four.
Oh, yeah.
I remember you.
You're the dumbest guy I ever
met.
Oh, that's him.
Shut the fuck up, hippie!
Oh, no, no, no.
He's cool, he's cool.
This is my partner, Rev.
It's not his fault.
His folks brought him up on a
vegan, yogi, nudist commune.
What are you looking at,
hippie?
Nothing.
No, you're looking at my eye.
No, I wasn't.
I swear.
You're making fun of my
handicap.
No, sir.
You know what?
I lost this eye so you could buy
gas
for that foreign car you drive.
I'm a bus passenger.
- I don't drive.
- Shut up.
You were saying.
Oh, yeah.
We got a vampire problem.
Vampire?
Uh-huh.
Black eyes, blood mouths,
and a gimp on a leash.
A gimp on a leash?
Yeah, like an S&M mask or
whatever.
I'll look into it.
Actually, we were hoping
that you might wanna
maybe take care of this
with us, like together.
You know what?
I'm more of a lone wolf
type of operator so...
That's great.
We love wolves.
Yeah, they're our favorite
animal.
I work alone, no partners.
I tend to kill 'em.
So if there's nothing else.
No, wait.
What about being like a mentor?
You ever thought about that?
I mean, you can still
be your lone wolf self,
but you can also help
out some cubs in need
and passing down your lone wolf
tricks.
And what's in it for the lone
wolf?
I guess these cubs could do
things with their cub talents
like this cub can guard.
And this cub's a
groundskeeping engineer.
Like a janitor?
Yeah, but on the outside.
Hmm, like a guard?
Less with plants.
I looked at your eye.
All right, here's a list.
Meet me here after sundown.
And remember, this mission and
my mentorship, a top secret.
You understand?
Sir, yes, sir.
Sir, yes, sir.
What the hell was that?
I'm saluting you, sir.
You're our lone wolf mentor now,
sir.
Sir, yes,
sir, yes, sir.
Cut the shit.
Now, close your eyes
and count to a hundred.
Don't even!
One, two,
three, four.
I feel like that went really
well.
I think so too.
I said a hundred.
Five.
Six, seven,
eight, nine,
10, 11,
12, 13.
When do we stop?
14, 15.
Keep going, Rev.
- Six, seven, 18.
- What?
- You went backwards.
- 19.
Okay, item one, garlic, five
pounds.
Grocery store?
Yeah, but remember, no
asphyx...
Asphyxiation.
Yes, I got it.
I don't know.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah.
I'm only touching organic
garlic.
It just seems like a
conspiracy.
One could say the same
thing about vampires.
Item two, two by fours, lots.
I guess the lumber company.
Yeah, but remember, no
staking.
Yes, I remember.
Here you go.
You got this.
Yeah, it's too much.
I'm gonna fall.
Yeah, I'm gonna fall.
I am, I am.
Are you good?
No, I'm falling.
I'm falling.
Item three, holy water, 10
gallons.
I guess we're in the right place
for that.
Uh-huh, but just remember...
For the love of goddamn
Satan, Rev, I got it.
Jesus Christ.
Sorry, sisters.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Yeah, hi there.
My friend here and I, we do
baptisms
and we kinda ran out of holy
water.
How much did you need?
10 gallons would do the trick.
gallons?
Yeah, 10 gallons.
Wow, that's a lot of baptisms.
What can I say?
Folks love almost drowning for
their fate.
Are you guys hunting vampires?
No, why would you ask that?
Yeah, that's a weird question.
Not really when you think
about it.
Guys, relax, okay?
Your secret's safe with me.
I'm actually writing a book
about vampires
and was hoping to tag along
with a couple of real vampire
slayers, maybe even help out,
you know, for research.
- Yeah, that might work.
- Uh, no.
Help from a girl and a writer?
I don't think so.
Well, maybe I should
call the authorities then.
Nope.
Welcome co the team.
Great, what are we
supposed to do with this?
What do you think?
Spray it on damn vampires, Rev.
Well, it's just so small.
Well, then we'll mix it with
water.
But then it'll be diluted.
Can you just let me
decompress?
We just got blackmailed by a
girl writer.
Yeah, but at least
she gave you her number.
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Okay.
Strip.
What?
Is he kidding?
I don't kid about wires.
Do it!
This is ridiculous.
Who would we even wear a wire
for?
Yeah, that's a really good
point.
I will shoot you dead
right here on this road.
Do it!
He's got a lot more clothes.
All the way, let's go.
Now bend over and cough.
No, come on.
Now, jack offs!
All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
Where's my stuff?
What the hell is this?
It's all they had.
Give me the two by fours.
Just so you know, we tried
to get lots of two by fours
but we could only safely
carry one on a bike at a time.
And the garlic?
They only had one bag left,
organic.
Rev said the GMO ones
give you kids with tails.
And deformed limbs.
Tell him about that girl
we met at the store.
She's our new teammate.
She's a mystery novelist,
and she gave Hawk her number.
No, Rev.
I had the lowest of
hopes of you two idiots.
This is pathetic!
Does this mean the mentorship
is over?
You wanna know what it means?
It means if you two come
anywhere near me.
Give me the clothes.
Give me the clothes, now!
I need help.
I looked at your eye again.
I didn't mean to.
Have fun walking, turd birds.
Wow.
Your parents' backyard
was pretty bleak but...
What?
No, it's fine.
It's pretty bad, Hawk.
Well, I don't blame him for a
second.
I mean, my PTSD was
raging after my discharge.
Look at these little guys.
Easter bunnies.
Nanny cams.
I used them to film my
ex-girlfriend all the time.
She was a nanny?
No, I filmed her having sex.
You made pornos with her?
No, I wasn't in any of them.
Can we change the subject?
You mean, like she
changed sexual partners
behind my back all the time?
Maybe I should go.
You haven't even met my
arsenal yet.
Hey, arsenal.
Wow, that's a lot of garden
tools.
I know.
I can't touch any weapons
since my incident.
Well, except for this.
Good enough for the Swiss
army...
Good enough for me.
Oh, and this.
What the heck is that?
My secret stake.
I always carry it.
You didn't have it before.
Yes, I did, it was just a
secret.
I thought we agreed
no hurting or killing,
and that includes staking.
We did, and this is a secret.
Lose it or you'll be on your
own.
Or worse, with that guy.
No, you can't claim the ferret
if it doesn't do work for you,
mom.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Terry.
Great, so no more vampires.
Oh, no, they're still here.
Give me a break, Hawk.
You know what, Arnold?
Next time I see one, I'll
rip its damn head off
and give it to you in a bag.
As long as you're not late,
that's cool.
Hey, hold it right there!
See, I told you!
Oh, no, wait, that's just
Rev, the groundskeeper.
You shouldn't sneak around
like that.
Yeah, I was just trying
to find the light switch.
Is that a cape you're wearing?
That is correct.
Go home to your wives, Arnold.
Wife!
Whatever.
I got this.
All right, just stay out of
trouble.
I thought you said to come
suited up.
Yeah, not in the uniform of
our enemy.
Capes are also worn by
superheroes.
Take it off!
What the hell is this?
Anchor.
I thought we could use it for
grappling.
I can't wait to grapple
the hell out of a vampire.
No, no, no.
Grappling as in climbing.
But can I still grapple
a vampire head with it?
No.
Fine, keep it.
Hey, Rev.
Yeah, Hawk?
You know what time it is?
7:30-ish?
There's no sun in here.
Negative.
It's beast time.
You know, like go time.
Like time to pay the piper.
Like I'm too old for this shit.
Like you're gonna need a bigger
boat.
Like always bet on black.
Like after fucking your
wife, I'll have two more.
Like you're the disease and I'm
the cure!
Like I'm mad as hell and
I'm not gonna take it!
Like I'll be back.
Like go ahead, make my day,
punk!
Like here's Johnny!
Huh?
Like yippee-ki-yay,
motherfucker.
Wax on, wax off.
I feel the need for speed.
Adrian!
I see dead people.
No one puts Baby in the corner!
Like Free Willy.
- No, never mind.
- I like that one.
- I like that one.
- No.
I can't believe you
don't know any of those.
Any of what?
Any of those lines.
You never seen a movie?
Those are from movies?
Oh, my God.
♪ Bang bang, big finger on the
trigger ♪
♪ Hey, it's getting bigger ♪
♪ You're looking manic, yeah ♪
♪ Bang bang, baby point me to
the fun ♪
♪ Shoot me like a gun ♪
♪ Like a love automatic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ Run run for cover, I've got a
gun ♪
♪ And I'm shooting love, don't
panic ♪
♪ Bang bang ♪
♪ It's now or never,
I've got your number ♪
Okay, we need a rope.
I got the anchor.
I thought you said you
were gonna bring a rope.
You told me to bring the
anchor.
Goddammit, Rev.
Now one of us has to go back.
It's not good to split up.
Why don't I set up the nanny
cams and you can practice
your army special ops
moves on the way back?
You know what?
I got a better idea.
Why don't I go and practice
my army special ops moves
and you set up those nanny cams.
Well, I just said that.
No, you didn't.
Six seconds and counting,
cheetah one-nine.
Any developments, over?
No, all's well, honey
badger.
Copy that.
Over and out.
Honey badger, of all the
nanny cams in the world,
why Easter bunnies?
Two reasons, cheetah
one-nine.
One, it's the only
mainstream religious holiday
that celebrates zombies.
And two, my ex-girlfriend
had an Easter fetish.
If you only knew where those
things have been, over.
That is disgusting, over.
Okay, vampire or werewolf?
Werewolf.
But vampires live
forever.
Yeah, but werewolves have more
sex.
Okay, mermaid or siren?
Siren, male siren, of course.
Come on.
Merpeople are amphibious.
Yeah, but male sirens
have shitloads of sex
and all they have to do is sing
for it.
Okay, Big Foot or Yeti?
Big Foot, obviously.
Ah, but Yetis could
live in the Arctic cold
and not freeze to death.
Yeah, but Big Foots
live in nice, warm forests
where they have buttloads of
sex, over.
You really need
a girlfriend, Hawk.
That's a 10-4, little buddy.
Holy shit, we've got company.
Mayday, mayday!
Abort, abort!
What's going on down there?
Mayday, mayday!
Honey badger, come in.
Abort the mission!
Honey badger!
Abort the mission,
over!
Honey badger, are you alive,
over?
Honey badger, come in.
I'm in the dumpster
below, cheetah one-nine, over.
Honey badger, I thought
they got you, over.
I kinda wish they had.
It smells like 10 dead
hookers in here, over.
Better than the Easter
bunnies, over.
10-4, cheetah one-nine.
Is the coast clear, over?
Hang tight.
Honey badger, the coast is
most definitely not clear.
You've got a bogey flying in
over.
Come again, over.
Honey badger, you've
got a vamp on you in five.
Oh, crap.
Should I get him with a garden
trowel?
No, camouflage yourself.
Four.
Blast him with the holy water?
You're running out of
time, buddy.
Three.
Should I hit him with my
secret stake?
I thought we agreed no secret
stake.
Two.
We did, but it's a secret.
Hey, one!
Hey, look at this.
Somebody left a perfectly
good hand bulb planting tool.
Well, that's great.
We can finally plant all those
tulip bulbs
you got in Holland, Forneus.
Give me a hand with this one.
It's gonna take all of us.
It's all those damn baby
heads.
How's it looking
out there, cheetah one-nine.
Hold position.
They're almost clear.
Copy that.
What'd throw at me, over?
Oh, dear God!
Oh, my God!
Somebody get me outta here!
Help!
Help!
I can't believe that
son of a bitch vampire
stole my mom's hand bulb
planter.
She's gonna be so pissed.
Hey, good morning, fellas.
You're up early.
As are you, deputy.
Out running lives already, I
see.
Just doing my job.
As are we.
Hmm, so your job is, what,
ninja warrior and Karate Kid
lookalike?
Oh, no.
Yeah, no, we're, it was
dress up day at work.
Yeah, casual Friday.
So you steal all this stuff?
Oh, these old things?
No, we had a charity drive at
work.
So you stole all this
from the charity drive.
No, of course not.
That would be...
Uncharitable?
Exactly.
No, we're transporting
them to a, a hospital.
A hospital.
Which one, specifically?
Oh, you know, it's the one
down,
you know the one.
No, I don't.
It's the one for kids with,
with cancer.
There's a hospital just
for kids with cancer.
Oh, yeah, and it's packed
to the gills with them.
And they're all dying,
all the kids, all of them,
just dropping like
disease-ridden flies
from all the festering.
The cancer.
Yeah, it's a real tragedy.
I, uh,
it's really nice of you guys.
I didn't, it's unexpected.
What about these gardening
tools?
Oh, gardening for the kids
with all the festering...
The cancer.
That's right.
Gardening for cancer.
Yeah.
You guys, you keep up
all the good work, huh.
You too, deputy.
I will.
You take care now.
I'm sorry.
It was either cancer or AIDS.
I figured cancer was more
believable.
♪ And girls will come in festive
clothes ♪
♪ And the boys will wait ♪
It's no big deal.
Hello?
Shit!
Don't fucking hang up
on me!
Oh, crap!
Hello?
You know what, Hawk?
Fuck you!
Oh, hey!
No, no, no, that was not me
who just called and hung up on
you twice.
Yeah, yeah, that is weird.
Yeah, that is my number.
I don't know.
Maybe a serial killer or
something?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That is a weird thing to say to
a girl.
Yeah, yeah, that would be great.
Well, let me give you
directions.
It's kinda hard to find.
♪ We can live forever, girl ♪
♪ We can stay together until
the morning comes tonight ♪
Hey, it's out of control for
sure, dude.
We gotta shred it up
San Muerte style, right?
Okay, man.
All right.
Hey, I know you barneys
are up to something.
It's not funny, man!
Barneys, man.
Dude, I swear, I'm gonna
tell Tegan and Brody, man.
And when they find out,
they're gonna Tegan and Brody
you, dude.
Look, look, man.
You're not Santa Muerte.
I don't know where you think you
are,
but this ain't your break!
Go back to your own break, kook.
That's what I thought.
God dang it!
Wow, I've never been booty
called to a tent before.
You're welcome, little lady.
You want some cowboy coffee?
Hey, Terry.
Hey, Hawk.
So this is all temporary,
right?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I stayed with my folks
right after my discharge.
I had a little PTSD.
And we didn't get along so well,
but I'm looking for a place.
Where were you stationed?
Mostly Fort Leavenworth,
Kansas.
Where the prison is, right?
Yeah, I was in a bad, bad
place,
but, you know, I'm all better
now.
Wait, you were in the prison?
Yeah, the army doesn't
like you driving stakes
through its privates, and by
that, I mean Private Dirkman.
He was a vampire, by the way.
Are you taking notes?
I am a writer.
That's what we do.
Am I like the star of your
book?
Hard to say.
Maybe.
You think she's a double
agent?
I think she was definitely
pumping me for information.
I think you should be so
lucky.
I think she was the
lucky one in that scenario.
I pumped her right back,
not for information though.
Thanks for that, Hawk.
I had sex with her,
Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
Okay, stop, too far.
Let's back it up.
Back it up.
Let's go.
I had sex with her, Rev.
Yeah, I got it.
In her vagina hole.
I don't wanna know about
it.
Okay, this is it.
I got it.
Foot it.
I know how to work a ladder,
Hawk.
Okay.
After you, sir.
Oh, no, no, no.
You first.
I would rather you
went.
My mother taught
me to be a gentleman.
Just go, please.
- No.
- Just go!
No!
- Go!
- No!
- Go!
- No!
Yes!
Move it.
We've got nanny cams to
place and vampires to catch.
I mean, to stake.
I mean, no, to catch.
One, step into position.
Two, scan the perimeter.
Three, pick an enemy.
Four, strike up conversation.
Five, ready your pitchfork.
And six...
Wait, I have a question.
Number four, the conversation,
can you explain that a bit?
Yes, you strike up
conversation
so they let down their guard.
I usually go with something like
this.
Hey, fucking corpse face.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, blood
shitbag.
I hear you wanna eat nice
innocent Americans for dinner.
Oh, yeah?
Well, not on my watch,
bloodsucking vampire scum!
Take that, you
filthy ass blood sucker!
New rule, no weapons.
Vampires, huh?
Oh, yeah, there are shit tons
of 'em.
What about werewolves?
Oh, yeah, they're a big
problem too,
just roaming around in
packs, eating livestock,
pissing everywhere.
Filthy goddamn creatures.
Yes.
Absolutely.
No.
Yes.
Maybe?
Yes.
No.
And hell yes.
Hey, have you ever gotten
your chromosomes checked?
Is that like getting
your testicles checked?
Look, about last night.
If you tell anyone, it's
never gonna happen again.
I mean, like never.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Like not even Rev?
Especially not Rev!
Also, if I get pregnant,
I'm not keeping the baby.
It would be irresponsible
to bring your spawn into this
world.
Well< I feel like it would
be irresponsible not to.
I mean, who's gonna deal
with all these supernatural
creatures
dicking around in the world when
I'm gone?
A bunch of baby Hawks, that's
who.
Humanity's survival depends on
us.
Nope, that's not happening.
Sorry.
Hey, wait up.
Nope.
Question.
Why are we doing bird calls
again?
Answer, your walkie dies.
Why can't we just whistle?
Whistling is most obviously
human, Rev.
Even retards know that.
That's highly insensitive,
Hawk.
Not if you compare it to
getting your ass eaten alive
by bloodsucking vampires it's
not.
Can we try the scarlet warbler?
Indeed.
Are you going to the bathroom?
What?
I had to go!
Are you all done in there?
Back off, Terry.
You know, I just, you know,
I've been going through
this transformation.
It hasn't been all cute and
cuddly, as you two know.
Anyway, I'm really sorry about
the hassle.
And you know, if you
two wanna give it a go,
I'm game for it, so.
Well, I think I speak for
both of us when I saw we're in
just as long as we don't
have to get naked again.
No, no more nudity.
I mean, unless you wanna do it.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
Well, in the spirit of all
this newfound reconciliation...
What is that?
What is what?
Huh?
I can feel my skull.
The voices in my head, in the
sky.
Bats, they're coming.
Go in.
They're everywhere!
It's the end of the world!
We're all doomed!
We're all gonna die!
Run!
Wow.
Whoa.
♪ Have you ever met this lady ♪
That's the way to do it.
Come to papa, baby.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh-huh.
What, what's happening?
♪ Have you ever seen this lady ♪
♪ She likes to dance ♪
Oh, there we go.
Oh, nope, sorry about that.
It got a little lonely at hobo
camp.
Anyway, orange or grape soda?
I don't drink that stuff.
Chicharrones?
No, I'm a vegan.
So?
So I don't eat fried pig skin.
You vegans are all so angry.
We just don't eat animals.
I'd like to make a toast.
To us, to the mission, and
to kicking mucho vampire ass.
And to not staking, no
asphyxiation,
and not getting arrested.
To doing nothing fun to
vampires.
Maybe they took the night off.
They're vampires, Rev.
They don't take nights off.
They don't socialize.
They focus on one thing
and only one thing.
Murder.
I thought they did this for
food.
Sure, but at the end of every
night,
there's still a bunch of damn
murders.
What about that pig
that ave its life for your
chicharrones?
Are you really comparing me
to bloodsucking filthy
ass vampires right now?
All I'm saying is maybe
they do other things besides...
Oh, really?
Like what?
I don't know, like candle-lit
dinners,
long walks on the beach,
going to the library,
visit an amusement park,
skip with their friends,
play hopscotch, collect turtles,
watch butterflies in the summer
evenings.
Imagine how many books you
could read if you live forever.
You just know how to
ruin things, don't you?
This is so boring.
I just wanna stab a vampire.
I mean, catch a vampire.
Get off me, Rev.
Get off!
Get off me.
God!
What time is it?
I don't know, late.
I need to get to work.
Whatever.
I can't be partners with a
quitter.
I have a job.
Wait, look!
Dude, I'm just saying,
they all taste different.
Blood or the girls?
Come to think of it, both.
That is disgusting.
Shit, that's nothing.
Did I tell you about that time
I hit the all lady biker gang?
Oh, my God, this is so great.
We're gonna hit those three
vampire birds
with one kick ass vampire
slaying stone!
Yeah, except there's two of
us.
Yeah, so?
So that saying doesn't work?
Why?
Because the odds are worse?
No, the odds are better.
It's just, you're missing the
point.
Well, I feel like you're
looking at it
with a glass half empty
attitude.
And I think you don't
understand either saying.
Well, I think you're a
quitter.
I ain't quit!
That's what all quitters
tell themselves, Rev.
All right, I checked online
and it's our right as Americans
to citizen's arrest their
filthy vampire asses.
You got your ID?
You know what this is?
A cassette tape.
Of the worst Christian
hard rock band ever recorded.
It's so bad, even Christians
cry when they hear it.
How do you know it
will work on vampires?
I don't.
Can I get the smoke bombs?
You know, I'm sensing
kind of a quitter vibe from you
right now.
I really need you to quit
that shit right now, Rev
and get pumped up.
I'm pumped.
You don't seem very pumped.
I'm totally pumped.
I need you really pumped!
I'm super gosh darn pumped.
The makeup looks great, by the
way.
Oh, thanks.
It's not makeup, it's
camouflage.
Whoa, Forneus, take it easy.
You guys expecting anyone?
Hey, pizza delivery.
Did you guys order a pizza?
Well, somebody ordered a
pizza.
Man, it might have been me.
I got this new medicine.
Smells good.
You mind if I come in?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in, man.
The more, the merrier.
So how much do I owe you, my
man?
You must think you're pretty
smart, huh,
just invading my territory.
No, I mean, there's
plenty of gigs to go around.
Yeah, I mean, this whole area's
super happening right now.
You know don't play dumb with
me.
I know what you're doing,
and I don't appreciate the
competition.
Competition?
We all have different sounds,
man.
Yeah, I mean
that's what's so great
about the music business.
The only business I wanna
talk about is vampire business
and how you're feeding in my
territory.
Oh, God, please, don't kill
us.
Take what you want.
What kind of shit vampires are
you?
Freeze, fang faces!
Hands in the air,
vampires!
Jasper?
What's he doing here?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing
here?
I was just, you know,
making sure the pool was clean
and secure
before you boys jumped on in.
Pool?
What pool?
There's a pool here?
It's an analogy.
I was being a good mentor,
you know, testing the waters,
making sure it's safe.
He's so nice.
He just gets nicer every time we
meet him.
Yeah, no problem.
Anyway, go ahead and do your
thing.
Do America proud, boys.
We will!
All right, vampires.
You're under citizen's arrest!
Oh, you are getting raped!
Whoa!
Easy, man.
I'm gonna eat your
flesh and shit it out,
and then I'm going to
fucking eat it again,
you motherfuckers!
I don't think we
talked about that at all.
And then I'm gonna fuck your
ear!
I'm gonna fuck it again!
And I'm gonna fuck your
mother's ear and she's gonna die
and you're gonna die with her,
you vampire little pieces of
shit!
I did not agree to any of
that.
And I'm gonna poop on your
fucking face, you little fucks.
You wanna fucking get some of
this?
Oh my gosh, he's gonna
kill us!
He has a weapon.
Break the door!
Hawk, break the fucking door!
What is it?
Where am I?
Easy, buddy.
You just, you just hit your
little head.
What?
Relax, these guys are on our
side.
But they're vampires.
Uh, no, no.
They're just a goth band.
Crypts and Sorrows of
Darkness.
I came up with the name
during a vision quest
to Romania with Forneus.
But what about the black
eyes,
the blood, the gimp, and 201?
Oh, contact lenses, pig blood.
The gimp is a submissive of this
guy here.
And management neglected to tell
us
they rented it out again.
Oh.
It's all legal.
And avante.
Oh, and one more thing.
Yeah?
Our lone wolf mentor,
he's a filthy ass vampire!
Holy farts.
You think we should wear
these on our backs too
just in case?
Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
Here, let me get that for you.
No.
No way you're getting behind me,
mister.
You tried to eat that goth band.
I just lost it, okay?
Give me a break.
Okay.
If you try anything.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no more
secret stake.
We did.
But you brought it.
Nope, it's a secret.
Yeah, but it's right there.
No, back to being a secret.
Fine.
Hey, guys.
I think we can catch Jasper
in this without killing him.
What is that, a shiny
butterfly net?
No, it's a vampire trap,
actually,
made of silver-plated aircraft
cable.
According to legend,
silver was the only
naturally occurring substance
that could injure a vampire.
Drop him in this and he's
helpless.
Guys,.
It's almost sundown.
What language is that?
Zulu.
♪ Hit it ♪
♪ That's what I'm talking about ♪
♪ Wait ♪
♪ Okay now, from the beginning ♪
You ever thought about
learning to ride a bike, Rev?
Yeah, seriously, Rev.
You're kind of a heavy hippie.
I'm not a hippie, Hawk.
Oh, better watch out.
He's gonna go cannibal again.
Die, yuppie scum!
♪ All you men with suits and
ties ♪
♪ Just sitting in the crowd ♪
♪ I hope you're ready
for what's coming now ♪
♪ I'm the one to bring you down ♪
♪ There's one where the big boys
play ♪
♪ Where the race keeps
going like the river ♪
♪ But they all never come ♪
Guys, this is Theo,
our newest team member,
aka the fiery fox.
Did you just give me a code
name?
I did.
We know her well.
Foxy indeed.
Not to mention fiery.
Wait, you guys know each
other?
Yeah, it was like a,
kinda polyamorous thing.
I told you I went to a
liberal arts college.
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, girl ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, boy ♪
♪ When I'm bad, I'm better ♪
♪ And when I'm good,
I'm really good, girl ♪
I'm pretty sure this
is Jasper's mom's house.
What do we do if he answers
the door?
Well, normally, I'd say rip
his goddamn vampire head off,
but that'd be against our rules
of engagement, wouldn't it?
You guys have rules of
engagement?
Rev wouldn't join my mission
till I agreed to 'em all.
It's our mission.
And I just thought it'd be
good not to hurt or kill
and then get help and not get
arrested.
That sounds pretty logical to
me.
You two are perfect for each
other.
All right, army special ops
trained me to deal with delicate
matters.
I will do the talking, okay?
Can I help you?
That depends.
Where the hell is your son?
Sorry, what is this in regards
to?
What's the goddamn difference,
lady?
Is this filthy bloodsucking
vampire ass here or what?
We need to ask him some
questions.
Excuse me.
No, excuse him, ma'am.
Besides being extremely rude,
what he forgot to mention
is that we work with Jasper.
Yeah, we're his coworkers.
His work friends.
I'm so pleased to
finally meet some of you.
He doesn't have a lot of
friends.
Oh, that's a big fucking
surprise.
Just ignore him, ma'am.
We all do.
Well, I haven't seen
him since last night.
He left saying
that he was going to assess
the competition or something.
But if there isn't anything
else,
I have a casserole in the oven.
No, ma'am, I'm real sorry
I was so short earlier.
Jasper borrowed this DVD
I rented a while back.
You can still do that, rent
DVDs?
Yeah, of course you can still
do that.
They also charge hella late
fees.
So can we look for it in his
room or...
Which one was it again?
From Dusk till Dawn.
Oh, that vampire movie
with that handsome doctor fella
from TV.
Yeah, it's his favorite, and
the director trying to act.
Yeah.
Well, I'd check the garage.
It's where he's been sleeping
most days.
He's been complaining about
migraines,
can't be in the light.
I don't understand what's going
on.
He was also the
Batman with the nipples.
Geez, talk about frightening.
I bet he's got a whole
coffin of human heads in here.
Don't they sleep in coffins.
Who's to say they
don't snack in them too?
I would.
Gross, you'd get bugs.
He's a vampire, Rev.
They don't give two shits about
bugs.
How'd you know about the DVD?
We were bunkmates in cell
block nine.
It was either watch his favorite
DVD or...
No, I don't wanna know.
Yeah, yeah, you don't.
Hey, guys, look at this.
Who needs this many blood bags?
Same guy who does all this.
Maybe he's just doing a lot of
drugs.
It does kinda Look
like a meth lab in here.
How many meth labs
have you been in, Rev?
Seven.
No,
eight.
Holy shit, guys, look at this.
Whoa, it's like A Beautiful
Mind.
Yeah, but ugly as shit!
I wonder how many cats
he stole this yarn from.
Oh, my God, look at that
little guy.
Come on, Hawk.
This is serious.
I know, Rev.
Look what he's sitting on.
It's a blueprint for the
city's water filtration plant.
Look, here's the well.
What?
How do you know that?
I used to work there.
They fired me 'cause I
tried to excise a demon
from a day shift manager.
Well, they probably
didn't want all that blood
near the city's clean water.
He's gonna poison the well.
And create an army of filthy
ass vampires in the process.
What, what are you looking at?
Bye!
Bye.
We really need to call the
cops.
We already did.
Trust me, they won't even
believe us.
Yeah, they really won't.
Okay, well, then I'll call.
No, they'll still think it's
me.
Yeah, they really will.
You'll probably get arrested.
Aren't you supposed to
be taking notes on this?
No, Hawk, I think we have
bigger problems right now.
Holy shit!
Why didn't I think of that?
Hold on.
Rev, I'm breaking rule three.
God, Hawk, what is it now?
I'm sorry, Jack.
I just wanted to call and
confess
that we lied about those
kids with cancer earlier.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
They still have it, but all
the toys, they were stolen.
Great, then I'll come arrest
you then.
Did you just hang up on me?
I did.
I told you not to call this...
You do that again, I swear to
God,
I'll throw the book at you.
You hear me?
I triple dog dare you, Jack.
Hawk...
You didn't say where, genius.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Just hit redial!
I don't have redial.
You just hit the same button.
Hold on.
Hawk, you are done, do you
hear me?
I'm going to own your ass,
mister!
I forgot to say I'll be at
the water filtration plant.
I am coming for you, you son
of...
He'll be there.
Usually, I get so hard
in a car full of people.
I mean, I'm usually up to fuck,
mmm,
so much.
But I'm scared.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm scared, guys.
I mean, my dick can't
get hard when I'm scared
'cause Andros Junior doesn't
like fear.
He likes pussies.
I wonder what he's doing over
there.
He's probably talking on
the phone with his mommy.
I mean, what kind of loser
ass vampire lives in a garage?
Weren't you living in
your parents' backyard?
Yeah, so what?
So where are you living now,
Hawk?
Uh, in a tent in the
camp down by the gully.
What are you trying to say, Rev?
I'm pretty sure he's trying to
say
at least Jasper lives inside.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Yeah.
Oh, I see how it is.
You know what?
I don't need help, especially
from some girl writer,
and some lame old goth band,
and a sad loser traitor
I thought was my friend.
I really think we
should wait for the cops, Hawk.
Oh, yeah, and just let
that son of a bitch cop
with cool hair take all the
glory?
No freaking way.
And another thing, fiery fox.
If I survive this battle,
we're going on a proper date,
damn it,
not just another
one-night stand in my tent
down in that camp down by the
gully
next to that sad, sad snoring
accountant.
Terry.
I like Terry.
Yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, we're going on a proper
date
to a place named after
a garden or something.
They, they may even prepare
a salad at the table.
I don't know, but we are
going, even if you did have
liberal arts, creepy, poly,
gothic group sex or whatever
with all or most of these
people.
Yeah, that's not what's going
on here.
Yeah.
Believe it or not, we're
monogamous.
It really bothers you, doesn't
it?
No!
I'm coming for you, vampire!
Wait, Hawk, you forgot your
net!
Is the child lock on the door?
I think it's...
I got it.
You let them in my room
without my permission.
I know it's technically the
garage.
That's not the point!
Jesus Christ, Rev.
You can't just sneak
up on people like that.
Sorry, but you forgot the...
Dang it!
Hawk.
Are you crying?
Hawk, this is huge!
Hawk, you're feeling something
other than homicidal rage.
Don't you make fun of me.
I'm not making fun of you.
You are.
No, I'm not.
You are.
I am not.
Are to!
No!
Are to.
Am not.
Should we be helping
them?
Dude, we're musicians.
We don't tussle with vampires.
Totally.
We could tussle with this.
God, you make me so angry!
You're not even a real
pacifist!
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You're so violent.
You make fun of my feelings!
I hate you.
You also let them take
my favorite vampire movie.
You know how much that means to
me.
Yes, I know there are better
movies,
but that's also not the point.
Yes, I am!
It's you!
You, you do this to me!
Mother, I have to go.
Forget something?
Also, where is the vampire?
I'm right here.
Oh, he's out.
I'm warning you, fang face.
I'm a 12-degree black belt.
I was army deep deep special
ops.
And I've battled your loser kind
before.
Yeah, and I...
I got this silver-plated net.
Now, you lay down
those fangs and surrender
or we're gonna be forced to get
physical.
Oh, I got that one.
I love that song,
- get physical.
- Oh, come on, Rev.
I am so gonna enjoy this.
Hey, guys.
Who's your friend with the cool
fangs?
Run, Terry!
What?
- He's a vampire!
- He's a vampire, Terry!
Run!
Vampire?
He's a
fucking, vampire, Terry!
Run!
Wait.
That's not cool.
Terry!
Not cool!
You get off him, you cannibal!
What are you gonna do, cry
about it?
Like you did every night
in cell block nine?
You'd cry too if your
cellmate was a sexual predator.
Yeah!
- Wait, what?
- What, you're...
No one's asking either of you.
Come on, Hawk.
There's no need to get
all up in arms about it.
Catch!
Oh, God!
Oh!
Did he just rip that man's...
Arm off and throw it at 'em?
Not cool!
My arm!
You back away from
that homeless accountant,
you vicious vampire scum!
What's wrong with you,
you bloodsucking bastard!
Pick on someone your own size!
I'm sorry, guys.
Were you trying to get a leg up
on me?
Not my leg!
Not his leg!
Not the leg!
So much blood.
He's laughing at us, Rev!
Come on, man!
He won't stop throwing limbs
at me.
Guys, guys, guys.
No need to lose your head over
it.
Don't you even.
No!
Not the head!
- Please don't do that!
- No, don't.
Not that, no!
Any last words, accountant?
Tell my mom
that she can't write the
ferrets off on federal tax.
But maybe try state because they
can count
as companion animals, you
know, for emotional support.
Emotional support!
No!
No!
No!
No!
You're going down, Hawk.
This is the last time you do
this to me.
Now you're mine.
You know,
I used to be just like you guys.
I fought evil.
I defended the good and the
weak.
Hell, I even had 72 red baron
kills.
You're nothing like us,
vampire.
That is a shit ton of kills.
That is a lot of kills.
Yeah, you're like a mass
murderer.
They're blood suckers, Rev.
Yeah, anyway, you know what I
got
after defending Santa
Muerte for all those years,
after all that blood, sweat and
sacrifice?
I don't know, vampire.
A raging boner load of
your own satisfaction?
That's what I'd have.
I got nothing.
It was meaningless.
I was resigned to my mortal
fate,
until I got a call from a
nursing home
about some old drooling
Nosferatu.
Give up, you old demon!
Never!
Join me, human spawn.
And just like that, I was
immortal,
at the top of the food chain
officially.
And there's plenty of
room up here for you,
your boyfriend,
and his mentally challenged
janitor sidekick.
You should all just join me.
We could rule the world.
We'll never join you, vampire.
Also, Rev is not mentally
challenged.
He is a goddamn groundskeeping
engineer.
Thank you for remembering
that, Hawk.
Also, Hawk is not my
boyfriend.
Wait, what?
You're not my boyfriend, Hawk!
But we had all that sex.
I mean, you even let me do that
thing.
Yeah, she let me do that thing
too, man.
You slept with a vampire?
Dude, this is so boring.
I mean, other than that poor
man's limbs being ripped off.
Yeah, there was that.
I thought Hawk said he was a
black belt.
Come on.
He thought we were vampires.
Where the fuck did you get
popcorn?
Yeah.
When did you pop that?
How do you even get it in your
mouth?
I didn't open your zipper.
Oh, you're doing that yourself
now?
You're motherfucking mine.
Come on, Hawk.
I mean, you just gotta get past
your narrow-minded views of
monogamous relationships.
Yeah.
Seriously, dude, relax.
Hawk, join me.
You can have any man or woman
you want,
be or do anything you want.
And you never have to work
as a small town night
security guard again.
People might even take you
seriously.
I'm not gonna lie, guys.
This is sounding pretty good.
I mean, no one ever takes me
seriously.
- Yeah, they don't.
- They really don't.
At all.
I didn't think it was that
bad.
Look, I appreciate the offer,
vampire.
I really do.
But I'm already pretty
good at kicking asses.
And Theo here, I mean,
she's all the woman I need.
Also, I kinda like being a
small town night security guard
who's bad with women and
people don't take seriously.
It gives me the element of
surprise.
Also, I'm not a cannibal,
and I don't eat people.
That's the same thing.
You just said the same thing
twice.
That's the same.
Yeah, that's the same thing,
man.
You know what?
What-fucking-ever, vampire!
I'm done playing your
bloodsucking games!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, I'm gonna give you one
last chance
to lay down those fangs and
surrender.
Or mark my words as
Hawk-Hawk, vampire slayer,
savior and protector of Santa
Muerte...
Yeah.
I will drive a stake
right through that ass!
Yeah!
Or chest.
What?
You get the idea!
Damn it, I forgot my secret
stake.
If you trace your steps
back, maybe we can figure out.
You had it at the religious
supply store
- so maybe you left it...
- Rev, we get it!
I got this, okay?
Oh, yeah!
Holy shit, that's working!
Oh, vampires don't like Jesus.
Quick, Rev, get the
silver-plated net.
We're taking this one alive.
Right behind you.
Catch!
In the name of the father, the
son
and the motherfucking holy
ghost!
And Jesus!
One.
Two.
Three!
Yeah!
Don't you hiss at my woman, fang
face.
Easy, Hawk.
Yeah, I can take care
of myself, thank you.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot.
Hawk, you know, I'm
just so proud of you.
I really am.
I think you've done a wonderful
job.
Oh, thanks, Rev.
You know what?
I think you can wear one of my
vests now.
You earned it.
Really?
I've always wanted to
wear one of your vests.
Theo, what do you think?
Okay, Hawk, I'll write about
you.
And I will consider being your
girlfriend.
No, no, I mean about
wearing one of my vests.
Oh, my God.
I'll think about it.
Oh no.
What?
Oh, a nick,
or a bite, a bite from a...
The vampire nicked me!
I'm gonna be a blood sucking,
no, I'm gonna be a bloodsucking
vampire!
Stop that!
Just get away!
Get that away from me!
Get the hell back!
I'm a bloodsucking vampire!
Oh no!
Oh God!
Jesus Christ.
Oh God.
Hey, Jack.
We finally caught ourselves a
vampire.
This is Deputy Jack Scroggins.
I'm gonna need some help up here
on the road to Santa Muerte
water filtration plant.
Somebody get my stepmom!
Oh my God!
Also, he may turn into one,
so.
I'm a future killer.
I'm a future killer.
I'm gonna kill people in the
future.
Make that a lot of help.
You did it!
You did it!
Oh God!
Can we get a bandaid?
Horrible timing.
Oh God!
♪ You have my word as the
air earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there
are none ♪
♪ You have my word as the
branches have the sky ♪
♪ As these lungs take the air ♪
♪ There is no question of why ♪
♪ My word is good ♪
♪ My word is law ♪
♪ My baby, my baby ♪
Dear
Hawk, we're so happy
you're feeling well
enough to go back to work.
Maybe you'll finally move out of
the yard,
or better yet, back into the
house.
Love, mom and dad.
♪ Their faces here, they glow ♪
♪ Girl, you're welcome here ♪
♪ It's more than you know ♪
♪ You have my word as
the earth has the sun ♪
♪ As the water has the rock ♪
♪ There is no question, there
are none ♪
♪ You have my word ♪
Yeah.
Yeah, that's good, Hawk.
I'm proud of you.
You just take it easy there,
vampire.
I got my eye on you.
I'm not a vampire, silly.
How could I exist in the sun?
I don't know.
Maybe your clean vegan
lifestyle has turned you
into a vegan super vampire
who's impervious to the sun.
Well, I'm not craving
human blood or anything
or any type of blood.
And I'm not thinking about
murder.
Well, that's good.
But if you try anything...
I won't.
Yeah, but if you do.
Dang it, Hawk.
I thought we agreed, no
secret stake at tai chi.
We did.
But you still brought it.
I know.
It's a gift.
It's for you.
For me?
Hawk, you son of a bitch.
What's the matter, old boy?
You vampire!
You!
Damn it.
My own secret stake.
Yeah, so this way,
you know, if you turn,
you can just stake yourself
so I don't have to live
with the guilt of it all.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry.
For what?
For saving Santa Muerte
from bloodsucking vampires.
I'm just glad everything's
settled down.
Well, either way, I'll still
be here
carting this empty building.
And you'll be on time.
Jesus Christ, Arnold.
Give me a damn break.
I'll give you a break, Hawk,
when you stop attacking my
religion.
Well, we'll call it a Mexican
standoff.
Speaking of breaks, I
think it's about time
for me to take mine.
You just clocked in.
Take it up with the damn
liberals.
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm back.
How was your gig?
Fucking mummies!
♪ Hawk and Rev doing anything ♪
♪ Saving the world, keeping
everything ♪
♪ Safe for you when you sleep at
night ♪
♪ They'll be asleep just by our
side ♪
♪ Hawk and Rev saving the day ♪
♪ Fighting vampires, chasing
them away ♪
♪ Don't have to be tough,
don't have to be strong ♪
♪ Just hold my hand when
the night's been long ♪
♪ Oh, don't you fret my dear ♪
♪ He's gonna make it all right
out here ♪
♪ Santa Muerte's got
themselves some new heroes ♪
So you're
doing that yourself, now?
Take off the mask, Forneus.
Seriously, take it off.
♪ Hawk and Rev ♪
Hawk, what the hell are you
doing?
You're wearing Forneus's gimp
mask.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's just that I get really
lonely down at hobo camp.
Just everyone always leaves me,
like Theo.
I'm just trying to fit in.
What?
You know what, if you guys
aren't gonna accept me,
then I'll just, I'll just go!
Wow.
Can you leave the popcorn at
least?
Fine!
I have the munchies, drama
queen.
Seriously though.
What's his problem?
Drama.
Yeah.
Wait.
Where is
Forneus?
Rev, what
the hell are you doing?
Why are you wearing
Forneus's gimp mask, Rev?
Geeze louise, guys.
You have to get over
your narrow-minded view
of slave/domination.
I mean, it is 2030, right?
It is?
Yeah, it takes a really long
time to make an indie film.
Yeah, I guess he's right.
Oh, wait, popcorn!
Okay.
It's soy milk flavored.
Hmm.
I like soy milk.
Oh, God, that's disgusting!
Hey, guys.
Terry, what the hell are you
doing?
Why are you wearing
Forneus's gimp mask, Terry?
Oh, that.
I'm just trying to get away from
my mom.
She keeps trying to make me do
weird deductions with her taxes,
you know, ferrets, and
barrels of toxic waste,
and a life-sized blow-up
doll of my stepdad.
Gross.
But we just saw
you get ripped to shreds.
By a blood-thirsty vampire.
I know.
It's weird how life works
out sometimes, right?
Who the hell are you?
Yeah, and why are you
wearing Forneus's gimp mask?
I'm Sean.
I'm the cinematographer.
You know, with these low-budget
movies,
you know, not enough
budget for other actors.
Okay, sure.
But then who's...
Yeah, who's filming us right
now?
That's a good question,
actually.
Hasta la vista, baby.
It's Terminator.
Right.
This is the one where
he goes back to the past
to kill, right?
I never saw it.
Hey, this is a
really nice shot, vampire.
Yeah, looking good, vampire
brother.
Whoa, whoa.
Rev, you can't say that.
He's the director.
Plus that's not cool.
Yeah, but I'm also half
vampire now,
so I can say things like that,
right?
I'll always think of you as
a half human hippie janitor.
Well, first off, I'm not a
janitor.
I'm a groundskeeping engineer.
And apparently, I'm an actor,
so.
I looked at your eye again.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.