Haunted Honeymoon (1986) - full transcript

Help!

It's not what you think.

Well, it's partly what
you think, but, er...

Oh, it's so complicated.

Oh, God, help me! Please!

You can't be the man
I'm about to marry.

Don't tell me that my fianc? is...
that my fianc? is a...

Haunted Honeymoon, starring Larry Abbot,
will continue after this news update.

Stay tuned for the chilling
conclusion of this

week's tale from Manhattan
Mystery Theatre.

Don't touch that dial.
We'll be right back.



You're off the air.

OK, boys.
You've got two minutes. Go.

Listen, pal, I'm not a boy and I don't want
to be referred to as one of the boys.

Hey, hey, hey! Guys, guys! Gal...
One at a time, huh?

- Are you two getting married Sunday?
- Only if it rains.

I got tickets for the World Series.

- When did he ask you?
- After strangling me in Curse of the Mummy.

- Say yes right away?
- Bet your sweet patoot.

- How do you spell "patoot"?
- Any way you like.

You've been in lots of shows that went bust.
How's it feel to own a hit?

I don't own her, I'm just marrying her.

No, I mean the radio show.

Sure, I'm on top of the world 'cause I got
the number one show. That's just luck.

I'm head-over-heels in love
with the best girl in the world.



That's not luck, that's God smiling on me.

When Vickie said yes to me...

From the minute Vickie said yes...

He bought a double mattress and a new stove.

- How's her cooking? Have you tasted it yet?
- Sure, but we're getting married anyway.

- Vickie, how'd he ask you?
- Give us a break.

Your fans love this stuff.
Come on, Vickie. Was he romantic?

It was like in the movies.
Honest to God.

We're walking along in the moonlight.

He gets down on one knee,
looks at me and says...

It's almost airtime, gentlemen.

OK, boys, that's it.

We're giving you
a page of coverage here.

Give 'em a break, will ya?

Can we have a level first violin, please?

Well, Larry's certainly
in good form today.

The show isn't over.

- You can see he's fine today, Charlie.
- The show isn't over yet.

Eddy, are you there? I don't see you.

Could we hear
a little bit of the storm, please?

"I love you'.

That's fine, Eddy.

Ten seconds, everyone.

- Say, Eddy...
- Huh?

- Is my tie straight?
- What?

- My tie, is it straight?
- Your tie's fine.

- No, but is it straight?
- Yeah, your tie is straight.

- Say "I swear to God your tie is straight".
- I swear to God.

- Thanks, Eddy.
- Sh!

Ralston Purina Checkerboard Square,
makers of Purina Dog Chow, presents

Manhattan Mystery Theatre.

Hello again. Still there?

This is your host speaking.

And now, friends, brace yourselves
for the chilling conclusion...

to tonight's tale of horror, entitled...

Haunted Honeymoon.

Lady Wolfington
is speaking on the telephone...

to Inspector Carp of Scotland Yard.

Inspector, I'm terrified.
I tell you, it's gone beyond all reason.

Lady Wolfington, there's
only one way to tell

if a man has werewolf in his blood.

He'll give himself away
by stammering ever so slightly...

on all words beginning with "w".

"W"?

If you suspect your fianc?,
put him to the test.

I'll get there as soon as I can.

Oh, Freddy, you startled me.

Startled?

- By me?
- Yes, I'm sorry, I...

All words beginning with "w".

All words beginning with "w".

Darling, what a lovely sweater.

Is that cotton or wool?

This? Oh, it's woo... wool.

- What?
- Um...

I say, uh... I don't know.
Must be some sort of a cotton.

Oh, I think another storm's brewing.

Seems so. Doesn't it?

- Listen to that wind.
- Ooh-hoo!

Oh! It's frightening, isn't it?

- Why's he laughing?
- I don't know.

- Is that how you rehearsed it?
- No, but that's Larry.

- Darling, I'm going to have a sherry.
- Oh!

- Would you or wouldn't you like some?
- Oh, I wou... I wou...

Um... yes, I'll have some.

- Here's your drink, darling.
- Thanks. Cheers.

- To Wolfington Castle.
- To Woo... Woo...

To Woo-woo-woo...

To Woo-woo-woo-woo...

Woo-woo-woo...

To Woo-woo-woo...

Woo-woo... To Woo-woo-woo...

To Woo-woo-woo-woo... Wolfington Castle.

- He's out. He's fired.
- No!

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Dr Paul Abbot.

Oh, Doctor, thank God you're here.
Please come in.

This is our sponsor, Mr Tarlow.

Charlie, this is Larry's uncle,
the famous psychiatrist.

- I asked him to come meet you.
- What's he laughing at?

- This is a mystery, not a comedy.
- He's laughing because he's afraid.

- Afraid?
- Tomorrow it might make him cry.

That's what he did last week.
What's he afraid of?

Thunder and lightning?
A wind machine?

We have that stuff every week.
Why now? We were number one!

Because three weeks ago
he got engaged to be married.

- The Curse of The Mummy.
- What's that got to do with it?

The engagement has opened
a crack in his psyche,

so hideous to Larry's mind
that he must lock it out.

- But I do know that I can cure him.
- How?

By scaring him...

to death.

- You want to scare him even more?
- How do you cure hiccups, Mr Tarlow?

- Well, you...
- Listen...

I've been working in Zurich
with a brilliant scientist...

who has discovered
the cure for Larry's condition.

Dr Strickland has proved
the cure is to increase

the pressure of the fears, not lessen it.

Like going faster
around a dangerous curve?

Exactly.

This weekend, starting tonight,
the entire Abbot family...

is gathering for the wedding
at the estate of Larry's great-aunt.

We have him in an ideal situation,

a lonely estate, miles from anywhere.

- Have you told Vickie?
- No, not Vickie, that'd be too risky.

I'm afraid she couldn't be objective.

Are you promising you can cure Larry?

I, Paul Abbot, promise that
I can cure Larry within 36 hours.

- Just by scaring him?
- By scaring him to death.

I don't know. I can be feeling swell, then

something sets it off
and I'm scared to death.

So you acted nutty
for a few shows, so what?

You're the best actor in New York,
with the hottest show, and you still got me.

So, listen, cookie, if something scares you
before Sunday, just say,

"Whoops, there goes my imagination again.
How do you like that?"

You think that'll work?

Always in all ways rely upon me...

Whoops, there goes my imagination again.
How do you like that?

That's my guy. Did you hear what the bug
said to the windshield?

- What?
- That's me all over.

Sweet.
Don't you get it? If a bug splattered...

- Honey, is my tie straight?
- What?

- Is my tie straight?
- Your tie's fine.

- Yeah, but is it straight?
- Yeah, it's straight.

Oh, good.

Someone in this family
is trying to kill me.

What? You don't know what you're saying.

Larry's the only one I trust.

Please give me the pen.
I haven't much time.

- They'll all be here any moment.
- I love you, Kate.

I respect you as if you
were my own mother.

Oh...

You're the dearest person I know.
I'd even die for you, Kate.

But darling, never mind
that I'm a member of the family,

before you sign,
there's one thing you haven't considered.

- What's that?
- What if Larry dies before you do?

If Larry should die,
you can all share the money

equally, just as it was before.

Francis, you're the only living person
that knows I've changed my will.

If you ever tell anyone
may your soul rot in hell.

What a cosy place for a wedding.
Who lived here before? Count Dracula?

- Will you lay off that? I grew up here.
- No wonder you turned out so normal.

- Hey, hey.
- Sorry. Must be delightful by daylight.

- Run for it, sweetie. I'll get the bags.
- OK.

Go on, honey, knock on the door.
I'll be right there.

I'm... I'm engaged to Larry Abbot
and he... said he grew up here.

Oh, you know... He...

He was just... You know him, he says he...
Maybe I'm at the wrong house.

I can come back, thank you.

Sorry, honey.
Oh, I see you've already met.

I am Pfister, the family butler.

And I'm the little boy you used
to tuck into bed...

and bring milk and cookies to
just before you kissed me good night.

- Your name, please?
- My name?

- Is he kidding?
- Come in, Mr Kidding. I'll take the bags.

Won't you follow me, please?

- Poor Pfister, his memory's going.
- I wish we were.

This way, please.

- Holy smokes. You grew up in this place?
- I learned to ride a bike in this room.

He gives me the willies.

Be nice to him.
He seems strange but he isn't.

- What'll I talk about?
- Talk about a minute, that'll be enough.

Be very careful
of that magnificent vase on the landing.

There are only three like it
in the entire world.

Oh, what kind is it?

Twenty-five past seven.

- A little hard of hearing...
- What?

A little hard of hearing.
It comes and goes.

What?

My fianc?e, she's a little hard of hearing.

- Come and goes, eh?
- Yes.

I'll remember that.
This way, miss!

This is gonna be some weekend.

Toby! Toby, shush!

Who is it? Who's there?

What? Pfister!

Why are these windows still open?
Do I have to do everything? Drunken sot!

Hold your horses! Where's Pfister?

Where is he?
Oh, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Who are you?
What do you want?

This is just for the family.
I don't know you.

Why are you looking at me?

What do you want?
Are you selling something?

Oh, please, forgive me.

Is there any way
I can help you, sir?

I'm Montego. My wife is Susan Abbot.
She should be here any moment.

I came from Philadelphia by train.
I believe the family's expecting me.

Won't you come in?

- Have you got any luggage, sir?
- Just this one case.

Oh, it's a large one, isn't it?

Would you like me to...?

I prefer to handle it myself, thank you.

Now if anything frightens you,
anything at all, you just holler.

- I'll be right down the hall, OK?
- OK.

Just practising.

I love you, cookie.

- See you in 20 minutes.
- OK.

Da-da-da

- Master Larry!
- Pfister, you do remember me.

- Of course. When did you get here?
- About 15 minutes ago.

If I'd known, I'd have greeted you.

Yes, that would have been nice.
Well, we can't have everything.

- Come along, you're in your old room.
- Oh, good.

- So what do you think, honey?
- Wow, what a snazzy little nook.

Rachel, Rachel,
you're a sight for sore eyes, baby.

Oh, Rachel...

- She usually plants a big, wet one on me.
- I do not!

She must be shy.

Rachel,
I'd like you to meet a very old friend

of mine from school, Sylvia Beecham.

Pleased to meet you, Rachel.

Rachel, you look wonderful.
Not a day over seventy...

three? Four?
Seventy-five... Six. Oh, Rachel.

You need a haircut.

Oh, same old Rachel.
Love you, baby, love you.

- Where's Larry?
- He's upstairs.

Come on, I'll take you
on the grand tour, huh?

Rachel, did you get the note
about the connecting rooms?

- What? What's that?
- I knew that would get to her.

If you don't mind me saying,
your uncle Francis is a strange man.

You're telling me.
He scared me to death as a kid.

- Is he still married?
- Widower.

- Widower than what?
- What do you mean?

- You said he was widower.
- He is.

Widower than what?

What?
He isn't widower than anything.

- He's just a "wittle" man?
- That's right.

That's all I was asking.

I see.

Well, the old room
looks just about the same.

Nothing's changed since you left, sir.

- Rachel still cleaning up?
- Never stops, sir.

- I'd like to see Aunt Kate before dinner.
- I beg your pardon, sir.

Your Aunt Kate has just
concluded some business

and asked to be excused
until the family assemble downstairs.

Ah... OK.

Well, it's lovely
to see you again, Pfister.

It's lovelier to see you, sir.

Ah.

Holy baloney, here we go again.

Coming, darling.

Coming, Larry.

- Did you hear it, too?
- It's my fianc?.

Hello, I'm Larry's uncle.

- Hello.
- Hello, how are you?

- Fine.
- Can I help you?

I'm sure it's nothing.
He's just been nervous about the wedding.

Look, why don't I go in with you?

Larry?

Honey?
Where are you?

Larry?

Don't be afraid.
The lightning's all gone.

He can't just have vanished.

- Larry?
- Don't move. You're risking your lives.

Don't even raise your voices.
There's a deadly snake in that closet.

Call the zoo. Ask them
if they're missing a seven-foot cobra.

- Larry, I don't think...
- Don't argue.

- Hey, steady!
- Honey...

Larry, I'll take a look in the closet.

No, no, listen to me. Call the zoo.

- Where'd you see the snake?
- In the top drawer.

I know my cobras.
You'll be dead within seconds.

Is this your snake?

By the way, Uncle Francis, I'd like you
to meet my fianc?e, Vickie Pearle.

Vickie, this is my...

Uncle Francis.

- Your mommy and daddy are right next door.
- Makes it more exciting.

But supposing they walk in and see us,
how would I look?

Like a million bucks.

Charlie, why do you reduce everything
to money?

Because I don't have any.

But I'd be happy if you
only had 100 dollars.

So would I.

Listen, I can't take much more of this.
Either marry me, or let's call it quits.

I can't afford to marry you. Not yet.

And don't threaten me, honey.

- I need a little more time.
- I may not wait around, Charlie.

Did you hear me, Charlie?
I said I may not wait around.

We'll talk about it at the end of the week.

What? Drinking! Don't
think I didn't see you.

You'd better be sober tonight
or you don't get into my bed.

See who's at the door. Hurry!

Do I have to do everything?
Drunken sot!

- Hello, Pfister.
- Ma'am.

- Boy, it's cold out there. Everyone here?
- You're the last one, Miss Susan.

Hello, Toby.
What's the matter?

Aren't you going to say hello?

Come on, boy.
Say hello to Aunt Susan.

You remember me, don't you?
Good boy.

I know you love me.

- I'll have a whisky and soda.
- Certainly.

- Is my husband upstairs?
- Yes, Miss Susan.

There's a bag in the car.
You can get it later.

Very well.

- Larry, wow! Come to mama.
- Sylvia.

Oh, darling!

- What are you doing here?
- Can't speak now. See you later.

- Honey, I was just coming to get you.
- Am I glad to see you.

- Yikes. Who's been kissing you?
- Oh, Rachel.

- Who's Rachel?
- Pfister's wife. She went crazy.

She was so happy she started kissing me.

Well, this is some colour.
She must be quite a hot tamale.

She is, but you'd never think it.
She's just a little thing.

Rachel! We were just
talking about you.

- This is Rachel.
- How do you do?

"As ye sow, so shall ye reap".

Oh!

Stop that! You're gonna get me
in trouble with my fianc?e.

It's sad, really. She just can't
keep her hands off of men.

- How do I look?
- "Boffo socko", according to Variety.

"Montego Magic Spells Dollars".

- Hmm. How much did we make?
- 12,000.

Did you gamble this week?

'Fraid so. You look
beautiful in that gown.

- How much did we lose?
- 14.

- This can't go on, Monty.
- I know, darling. I know.

- What's that?
- Diamond necklace.

- Where did you get it?
- Magic.

- It's lovely.
- Everything's gonna change, I promise.

So long as you have faith in me.

- You're a very persuasive man.
- It's all done with mirrors.

Champagne?

- Thank you, Pfister.
- Thank you, Pfister.

Champagne?

- Where's your son?
- I don't know.

- He was supposed to be here.
- I hope this isn't a stupid prank.

- I don't want anything to go wrong.
- Does Aunt Kate know?

- What she needs to.
- You know what you're doing?

Take care of your part,
I'll take care of mine.

The Montego? You're kidding.
You're Montego the magician?

- That's my husband.
- I don't believe it!

You're kidding me!
Are you doing some magic tonight?

- I always come prepared.
- You don't know what this means to me.

Since I was a little
girl I used to dream...

Sylvia, darling. Come here, please.

- Larry, you remember your old girlfriend?
- Larry, wow! What a surprise.

Sylvia, I didn't know you were going
with Charlie. What a surprise.

- Wow.
- Sylvia, I'd like you to meet...

- Champagne, miss?
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- Sylvia...
- Champagne, miss?

Thank you.

Sylvia, I'd like you to
meet my fianc?e, Vickie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I love your lipstick. What's it called?
- Pink Passion.

Oh, yeah.
Well, quit "passion" it around.

What?

- Has Larry been flirting with you?
- Charlie.

- Charlie, I'm engaged.
- Larry, you want her back?

- Charlie!
- I've got my own girl, Charlie.

Just like the old days, cuz?
But we love each other, huh?

Madam Katherine!

This house is cursed!

They were all godless here.

They used to bring their
women to this house,

brazen, lolling creatures
with their silks and satins.

Oh, they filled this house
with laughter and sin.

Laughter and sin...

Wicked, blasphemous men
with their painted women.

They revelled in the joys of fleshly love.

Oh, I can still,

still hear the echoes of the past.
Oh, what memories!

Hello, darling.

Aunt Kate, this is my fianc?e, Vickie.

- How do you do, Aunt Kate?
- Oh, charming. Charming.

I'm starved. Let's eat.

I want you next to me during dinner.

Oh, you remind me of me
when I was a little girl.

You're a good girl.
I can see it in your eyes.

Not like the others.
He's chosen wisely.

- Thank you, Aunt Kate.
- You're welcome.

I know that one of you is a werewolf.

I saw you in the garden this afternoon.

Don't be frightened, dear.
She's a little bit eccentric.

Of course, I'm only speaking
to the Abbot family.

My brother John, from whom
you are all descended,

was bitten on the back of his neck
by something half animal, half human.

From that moment o
he was hairy all over.

Oh.

I had hoped all these years
that his disease would not be passed on,

but now I see that it was.

One of you is preying upon the fears
of an old woman.

Whoever you are, may God strike you dead.

Now let's have coffee and dessert
in the music room.

Sh, Toby!

Stop it now. Quiet!

What's the matter with you?

There's no one there.

What's got into you?

Marriage is a wonderful thing.

My mother never...

What I'm about to tell you...

First...

First, you put your two knees
close up tight.

- You mean, you swing them to the left?
- Yes.

- And then you swing them to the right?
- Oh, my dear...

You step around the floor,

kind of nice and light.

One, two...

And then you twist around
And twist around with all of your might

Spread your lovin' arms
Clear out a space

You do the eagle rock
With style and grace

You put your left foot out

And bring it back

And that's what we call
"Ballin' the Jack"

Spread

Your lovin' arms way out in space

Do the eagle rock with style and grace

You put your left foot out
And bring it back

And that's what we call
"Ballin' the Jack"

And that's what we call

Ball...

"Ballin' the Jack"

"Ballin' the Jack"

"Ballin' the Jack"

Oh, yes, port.
Thank you, darling.

Where's Francis Junior?

I don't know, Kate. He said
he was coming this aftemoon.

- I thought he'd be here for dinner.
- One of my dresses is missing.

- Has he been at it again?
- No. No... I...

My son does a wonderful impression
of Aunt Kate. He's got her voice to a T.

And, well... Sometimes he likes to put on
one of Aunt Kate's dresses...

- to entertain at family gatherings.
- I see.

You should have seen him last Christmas.

- Such fun!
- Yes!

And when the police dragged him

out of the ladies' room
at Saks Fifth Avenue,

that was fun.

- Power failure.
- Larry?

- Here, honey.
- How exciting!

- Who's got a lighter?
- What's that?

Don't touch me!

The lights have gone out, madam.

Good old Pfister,
soon figured that one out.

Electricity is the work of the devil.

I don't trust it at all.

God's paying me back for putting it in.

- Come on, Kate. You can't live in the past.
- Oh, shut up.

Why am I always being talked into things
I'll regret later?

We should go to bed.
We're going to be busy,

what with the wedding.

- You ready to call it a night, Monty?
- Yes, I'm ready.

- Francis?
- I'm ready.

- Susan?
- I'm ready.

- Charles?
- Oh, sure, Dad. Count me in, yeah.

Sylvia, honey, you ready to go to bed?

I sure am.

- How about you, honey?
- Sure, yeah.

- How about you, Pfister?
- I'm ready.

Pfister, have arrangements been made
in case a blackout should last all night?

Miss Rachel is upstairs now
lighting the candles, sir.

Thank you for a lovely evening, Kate.
Shall we see you in the morning?

Who knows if any of us
shall ever see the morning.

Don't let that werewolf
business frighten you.

She's had werewolves on the brain
since we were kids.

Wha!

If I get scared I'm getting
right into your bed.

I don't care about the rules.

So if you wake up with somebody,
don't worry, it's me.

OK. And if I'm not there,
I'll be in Sylvia's room.

Oh, you...

And if you get scared, just remember,

I'm down the hall
and nothing'll happen to you while I'm here.

OK.

Good night, sweetie.

- Good night, cookie.
- Good night, my angel cakes.

Larry! Oh, honey...

Well, I can't sleep.
How do you like that?

I have been in there tossing and turning
for hours. How about you, Sylvia?

Yeah, I was thanking Larry
for a wonderful evening...

and just saying how happy
I am for you both.

- Anyway... good night, Larry.
- Good night.

- Good night, Vickie.
- Good night, Sylvia.

See you in the morning for breakfast?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Bye.

Good night, honey.

Good night, sweetheart.

Beat it, while you're still healthy.

- Jesus!
- Sh!

Where you been? You're late.
I came looking for you.

I couldn't get away.
Where's the body?

- I didn't know where to put her.
- Him.

Him. He's in an empty
bed on the second floor.

Are you crazy? I can't have the police
snooping around this place.

That's your problem. This is too risky.
Just pay me, I'm going.

- You goofed up once today.
- Don't blame me.

He was in a dress and a wig.
How could I know?

You'll get your money
when the job is done.

I'll get my money tonight.

Or I'll tell your whole family
what you're up to.

You wouldn't know about the change
in the will if I hadn't told you.

- I want Larry Abbot dead.
- Kill him yourself.

You wouldn't have to hire people like me
if you had the guts to kill...

I'm all by myself and
I'm very, very scared.

Gee, ain't you a swell little duck?

Are you afraid of werewolves?

Are you kidding?
The werewolf will eat me up.

Would you like to give me
a little kiss?

I'm a little shy, but OK.

Aren't you scared to be
in this great big house?

What? Scared?

Are you kidding?
I'm not afraid of anything.

- Uh-oh.
- Sh. Don't be frightened, Vickie.

I need your help.

Yuck.

It's cold in here.
Oh, what a day.

Why, you little devil.
You did it, didn't you?

I didn't think you'd have the nerve.
Oh, darling...

What a great gift you're giving to me.

I'll cherish this night
for the rest of my life.

Say, you're very quiet, aren't you?
What's the matter, honey?

Are you shy?
You want me to make the first move?

Come here, cookie.

Oh, honey...

Want to play Donald?

Oh, baby, oh...

Go slow. Go slow, honey.

Oh, sweetheart.

Honey, your little body is frozen.

Your legs are like ice.

Well, maybe this'll warm you up.

Pfister, thank goodness.
Something terrible has happened.

- I found cousin Francis in my bed.
- Wearing a dress?

Yes, he was.

Ask him to leave.
Say you have a headache.

No, you don't understand.
Francis Junior is dead, do you hear?

- He's dead.
- You must be mistaken, sir.

No, come in here, please.
I'll show you.

- Do you see him?
- I think you'd better take a look, sir.

- This can't be.
- I'm afraid so, sir.

I'm telling you I felt
a cold dead body

lying beside me in bed.
Do you understand?

I feel that every night.
Warm brandy helps.

- Are you sure you'll be all right, sir?
- Mm-hm.

Good night, sir.

Whoops, there goes
my imagination again.

- Beg pardon, sir?
- Nothing, Pfister, thanks. Good night.

Good night, sir.

Pleasant dreams.

All right, no more nonsense.

You were right, honey.
It was just my imagination.

Now, you'd think this would frighten me.

Well, it doesn't. Because
I know that this is

just a filthy figment of
my diseased imagination.

And all I have to do to prove it
is simply reach out my hand...

and touch it.

Don't be a scaredy-cat.
There's nothing there.

Just touch it.

Larry...

Larry...

Larry...

Larry...

What the hell's going on over there?

- That's the Abbot place, isn't it?
- We better take a look.

Ah! Who's that?

- Pfister!
- Master Larry.

Oh, thank goodness.
Look, it's cousin Francis.

He's dead!

- That's what I was trying to tell you.
- You killed your own cousin.

What? Remember
I tried to show you a body?

You're the werewolf.
I've gotta tell your aunt.

Wait a minute.
Will you listen to me?

- Somebody killed him and dragged him here.
- You did, you fiend.

Are you crazy?
Will you let me explain to you?

There's something fishy
going on here and I don't like it.

Now please stop eating
and tell me if everything's all right.

- Murderer!
- Yes, everything's fine.

- What was that?
- My husband in the cellar, drunk as usual.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think we'd better
take a look ourselves.

Thank you for the cake, ma'am.

You've got the disease,
the curse of the werewolf.

The beast is in your blood.

Ow!

- Hold it right there.
- What?

- Just keep sitting right where you are.
- Sitting?

Oh... All right.

We heard some hollering down here.

Oh, you mean...

You filthy beast!
I'll kill you! Murderer!

- You some kind of crackpot?
- No, I was just going over my lines.

- Who are you?
- Larry Abbot. My aunt lives here.

Larry Abbot? Holy smokes.
You mean the radio actor?

Yeah, that's me.
I was just going over my lines.

Murderer!

You have to get it right
or the audience won't believe you.

- That was you we heard?
- That was me.

I didn't want to disturb the folks upstairs
so I came down here to sit and relax and...

- ...go over my lines.
- What brings you here, Mr Abbot?

Getting married.

- Really?
- Yeah, finally gonna do it.

- You boys must know her. Vickie Pearle.
- Hey, that's exciting.

Yes, sir. It's the
biggest thrill of my life,

I can tell you that. What the...?

- What are you doing, Mr Abbot?
- Rats. Something terrible.

It's the only drawback really
to rehearsing down here.

Have you seen the butler?
He's supposed to be down here.

No, no... I haven't seen him.

Ho ho ho ho ho.
Forget your troubles, come on, get happy.

We're gonna chase all your blues away
Boo, boo, shout hallelujah

Come on, get happy
Get...

ready for the judgement day

Oh. I have to sing in
next week's programme.

If you don't mind, I'll take a look around
before we go, for safety's sake.

- Sure.
- Well, good night for now.

Good night.

- Night, Mr Abbot.
- Good night, nice of you boys to drop by.

Murderer!

That was phoney.
Murderer...

Mmm... better.

Why, you filthy beast.

- Come on, Bill.
- I'll kill you. Murd...

That was a close call.
Poor old Pfister.

Sorry I had to hit you, old fella.
How you doing?

Pfister, do you know where Vickie is?
Pfister, can you hear me?

- Pardon.
- Oh, dear.

Who is it? Who's there?
Is someone there?

Pfister, is that you?

Madam Kate was right.
I saw it.

- You saw what, you drunken sot?
- The werewolf.

- What?
- It wasn't Master Larry.

What are you babbling about?
The police were here. Did you know that?

- I've got to hide Master Francis.
- What?

Master Larry's innocent.
I must hide that body.

- Give me that.
- It's mine.

- Give it to me.
- It's my last one.

Pull free.

"When the wine runneth red,
it biteth like a serpent".

Vickie!

Vickie!

Larry...

Ow, this thing's pinching my butt.

Just hang on for a minute, Vickie.
Hang on. God!

I should never have let your father
talk me into this.

Vickie, would you hold still, please?
I can't control this if you move around.

If you want my opinion, I think
this Strickland thing is a lot of baloney.

Ow!

- Could you let me down for a minute?
- Why?

- I gotta go to the powder room.
- Vickie!

I gotta go to the can.
What should I do?

Hold still. Just hold still.

All right. This is gonna be some wedding.

A loony for a husband
and Peter Pan for his wife.

- Isn't it nice Mr Abbot's getting married?
- Shut up and keep your eyes open.

What are they looking for?
They could ruin things.

Dr Strickland didn't have the police,
did he?

I could kill them!

- Don't worry, Dad. There's plenty of time.
- There is not.

- That's my lightning machine.
- Where's Vickie?

- She's in the powder room.
- What is that supposed to mean?

I assume she's powdering her nose.

- There's something fishy here.
- That came from the garden.

Come on.

- Pfister!
- Master Larry, you did frighten me.

- What have you got there?
- The other body.

- What other body?
- He was under your cousin.

I was about to bury them.

Hey, what's going on over there?

Get rid of the bodies!
They'll think I did it.

- They must be around here somewhere.
- There!

Hey, who are you people?
What are you doing?

- Stay right where you are.
- We got you covered, so no fast moves.

What the...?

Mr Abbot.

Hello there.
What a beautiful night, isn't it?

Isn't it romantic?

Drifting shadows write the oldest magic word

Oh, to be dancing with the woman you love,
just before the wedding.

Darling...

The woman you love?
You mean, this is...

Boys, meet Vickie Pearle.

How do you do, Miss Pearle?
Holy mackerel, wait till I tell the kids.

Gosh, could I trouble
you for an autograph?

Well...

- Am I imposing too much, Mr Abbot?
- No, that's all right.

- Do you have pencil and paper?
- Sure.

- What's your name?
- Bill.

All right.

Could you hold the pad steady,
please? There you go, Bill.

Thanks, Mr Abbot.
That's awfully nice of you.

- Quite all right, Bill.
- We'll leave you two lovebirds alone now.

Come on, Mickey.
Weren't they nice?

I love show folks.
They're so full of life.

I'm ready, Charles.

Charles?

Charlie?
Hey, where'd everybody go?

I woke up in the woodbin
and saw you go to the kitchen.

Then this fiend crossed
straight in front of me.

He couldn't have been more than...

Oh my! Pfister!

Help! Someone help!

He couldn't have been more than what?

Paul! Francis!

Charles!

Whoever your werewolf is, he's gone now.

I saw him just a few moments ago.
He was standing right here.

Aunt Kate, don't start again
about one of us being a werewolf.

This is the 20th century.
People don't become werewolves.

Are you so sure?

- Excuse me. I want to see who they are.
- Don't!

I'm sorry, Francis. Your son is dead.

- He's been murdered.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, dear God in heaven!
- I'm so sorry, Francis.

- Who was the other man?
- We don't know, Francis.

Dr Abbot. Where's Larry?

- Aunt Kate saw him here with a werewolf.
- Cut the bullshit.

I just want to know where Larry is.

I don't know where Larry is.
If I did I'd tell you, I swear to God.

- There's a homicidal maniac loose.
- Where are the police?

- They're gone. I saw them leave.
- Should I call them?

Yes, you'd better.
All right, let's spread out.

- Men check the grounds, the women inside.
- Come with me while I call the police.

- Kate.
- Go on, find Larry.

I'll stay here with Pfister. Go on.

- Are you sure?
- Go on, go on.

Larry, stop whimpering.
Stand up straight like a big boy.

You've got to help Mummy.
This is a very special day.

Look at your tie.
It's all twisted again.

Try to keep it straight, honey.
Just a little while longer.

I don't want anything to go wrong today.

What are you afraid of?
That old lightning?

Lightning can't hurt you, honey.
Everyone knows that.

I know it's late, Officer,
but this is an emergency.

No. No, I'm not imagining things.

I don't care how many times
you've been out here already!

Two people have been murdered.

Is that important enough for a phone call
in the middle of the night?

Get out here or I'm calling the mayor.
You'll be looking for a job by the morning.

OK. We'll see you in a few minutes, then.

That guy got me angry.

Still, they'll be here in
a couple of minutes.

So why don't you just relax, huh?

What's the matter?
What are you staring at?

- Nothing. You were so angry. Good for you.
- Oh, yeah. Here.

Larry isn't the only actor in the family.

- You filthy, murdering skunk.
- I was just trying to earn a buck.

I'm the good boy, not cousin Larry.

I'm smarter than cousin Larry.

I'm better-looking than cousin Larry.

And I'm gonna be a hell of a lot richer.

That vase cost me 5,000 dollars.
There are only three like it in the world.

- Two.
- You... Two.

Hold this. Oh, well.

Oh.

- Darling...
- Let's get on with this wedding, my dears.

And do you, Vickie Pearle,
take this man to love, honour and cherish...

- until death do you part?
- I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

Wait! Oh, wait.

Before this moment is over
I want to say that this house...

has been under a cloud of darkness
for so many years...

and now, at last,
the cloud has pissed...

passed.

Passed.

Yes, oh... I mean...
Ah, I mean...

the cloud has passed away.

Oh, it's gone, it's finished.
The cloud has just really passed.

- Run along, you two.
- Goodbye, Aunt Kate.

- We love you.
- And have a happy, happy honeymoon.

Tune in next week when Manhattan Mystery
Theatre presents Your Mummy's Calling,

brought to you by Ralston Purina,
makers of Purina Dog Chow.

We're a little late, so good night, folks.

OK, you two lovebirds,
let's get this show on the road.

I said "pissed". Did you hear?
I said "pissed" on the radio.

- Here you are.
- Thank you. Bye.

Oh, you... Goodbye, goodbye.
Oh, goodbye.

I don't believe it.
They got married on the radio

and now they're getting
married in real life.

- Call me tomorrow, honey!
- Get the hell outta here!

Sometimes in small ways

We may not agree

But we will weather
Our chips together

Wait and see

Before you all settle back into
the cosy comfort of a happy ending,

let me ask you one question.

Are you so sure
that our story has ended?

Mmm?

Until next time, this is your host

wishing you pleasant dreams.

Ressynch: Kilo

And then you twist around
And twist around with all of your might

Spread your lovin' arms
Clear out a space

You do the eagle rock.
With style and grace

You put your left foot out

And bring it back.

And that's what we call
"Ballin' the Jack".

Spread...

Your lovin' arms way out in space

Do the eagle rock. With style and grace

You put your left foot out
And bring it back.

And that's what we call
"Ballin' the Jack".

And that's what we call

Ball...

"Ballin' the Jack".

"Ballin' the Jack".

"Ballin' the Jack".