Hart to Hart: Till Death Do Us Hart (1996) Movie Script

I cannot bear eating alone,

even when I was a small boy.

You were never a small boy.

I knew she wouldn't come.

I win the bet.

Name your pleasure.

Your problem is

you try to control women

without understanding them.

Problem? I never found it

a problem.

Women know what I want.

They do what I expect.

Then where is she?

You see? You did exactly what

I expected. (LAUGHS)

And again!

(LAUGHING)

By the way, Karl...

your fly is open.

-Hello.

-JENNIFER: Darling?

Wups.

It's your wife, Mr. Hart.

Thank you.

Hello, sweetheart.

Jonathon?

You're not flying the plane

without a copilot again,

are you?

Safety is my middle name.

(VOICE OVER A RADIO)

Copilot's sitting

right next to me.

JENNIFER: Munich is even more

beautiful than I remember.

Munich?

Isn't that a coincidence?

JONATHAN: I'm flying over

Germany right now.

Well then maybe you can

come to my party!

You're giving a party?

Yes I am! It's my anniversary.

Mine too. What a coincidence.

Who's all invited

to this party?

Oh, just my closest friends

in Munich.

Housekeeping, room service,

the doorman...

Save me a seat on your right.

I have to be at the Deutsche

Telekom meeting in Berlin,

so I won't be there

till after lunch.

Have I told you how proud

I am of what you're doing?

You'd do the same thing.

That's why I married you.

(GERMAN)

Auf wiedersehen, Liebchen.

(GERMAN)

Auf wiedersehen, Schatzi.

I'm crazy about that girl.

Okay, okay.

A deal's a deal.

Paws up.

Not bad.

If you had thumbs,

I'd let you land it.

MAN: Emergency!

Clear the way, clear the way.

(GERMAN) Danke. Thank you.

Emergency!

Emergency. Doctor, thank

heavens you're here.

Quick, quick, quick!

Stat, stat!

VOICE: Doctor please

to radiology.

Just in time.

For young Maximilian's

recovery.

Now, it should hang directly

above his bed.

Supervise it for me,

will you?

-Peter, I'm a surgeon.

-Yes...

and I am your employer.

I want this in skilled hand.

Please? Please?

-Okay, okay.

-Peter.

(IN A GERMAN ACCENT) Doctor,

would you please excuse us?

For sure, Simone.

Peter, can't we go somewhere

private?

I need to talk with you.

You're having second thoughts

about the wedding, aren't you?

Do you know how I know?

I've had second thoughts

about the wedding.

Me, the man who's about to

become the luckiest husband

in the world.

Perhaps...

-it will happen too fast.

-Not fast enough for me.

If it weren't so right,

neither of us would be

nervous. It's people who don't

love each other

who settle for being

comfortable.

No sparks,

no doubts.

We'll never feel that way

about each other.

I see my timing is impeccable.

I've been looking for you,

Simone.

Karl needs to meet with you

about the prenuptial ball.

This is not exactly

the right...

time, Elsa.

No, this is the perfect

time, darling.

I have to go meet the

bone-marrow donor

at the hotel.

But don't you forget!

We're all going to have dinner

later.

I love you.

Karl was very disappointed

you didn't join him

for breakfast.

Really?

VOICE: Doctor to Emergency.

Lock her in my trunk.

Follow Peters. See where he

goes. She may have told him

nothing, but I can't be sure.

Mr. Donner.

What?

Peter Donner?

Of the Donner Clinic?

Peter Donner?

Oh...

Yes!

You are Mrs. Hart?

Jennifer.

Were those for me?

Well, they even look pretty

here on the floor.

You

are our bone-marrow donor?

Yes.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes, it's...

It's just that you look so

much like someone that I know.

It's my fiancee, as a matter

of fact.

Really? Well, I'll take that

as a compliment.

Won't you come in?

Is...

you husband here?

No, not yet.

It's our anniversary.

I was just on my way out to

buy him a present on the

Maximilian Strasse.

Oh, well since you're my guest

here in Munich,

allow me to show you a few

of my favorite stores.

Oh, thank you! That would

be great.

My German's a little rusty.

I could use the help.

JENNIFER: I know I wasn't

planning to shop for myself,

but under the circumstances,

who could resist?

I know... I know you must

think I'm an idiot, the way I

keep staring at you.

How did she get out of Elsa's

trunk?

-Did you lock it?

-Of course I locked it.

-Are you sure?

I know how to lock

a car trunk.

I've got to call Simone.

The resemblance is too

uncanny. She's got to meet

you right away.

Can you manage?

Sure.

I'll be back in one second.

Okay!

I can manage!

Hello.

What are you doing with my

boxes? Wait, but those

are my packages!

Help me, somebody!

Help!

(SCREAMING)

Go!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I hope his nose

hurts worse than my hand.

Oh, you are wonderful.

Danke schoen.

You were great!

What a great umbrella!

Strong!

Sturdy!

Shall we go?

Yeah.

Freeway! Come here, baby!

Did you miss your mommy?

Guess who else missed mommy?

(LAUGHING)

Uh-huh.

Mmm...

Let me go over

the guest-list again.

Room-service, housekeeping,

the doorman?

Not so hard-working

and useful, I'm afraid.

Peter Donner.

Welcome, Mr. Hart.

Jonathan.

Peter took me to lunch.

-That was nice of you.

-It was my pleasure.

And afterward he showed me

some wonderful shops

and he saved my life

-then we came back here.

-He what?

-He saved my life.

-It was more like your

packages, really.

Oh, he was grabbing at me too.

-Why were you doing that?

-Oh no, not Peter.

The mugger!

Mugger?

The one who wanted

my packages.

I hit him in the nose.

Bobby stomped on his feet.

Sister Lillian whacked him

with her umbrella

while Franz hit him over the

head with his newspaper.

I...

kicked him in the shins.

You alright?

I'm fine...

thanks to Peter

and the good citizens

of Munich.

Well, I'm very grateful.

Oh, not as grateful as I am to

you and to Jennifer

for coming all this way to

help the Bone-Marrow Program.

Well, when Jennifer heard that

she was the perfect match for

your recipient,

we started making our travel

plans right away.

I understand that it's

your anniversary.

We have much to celebrate

because I'm getting married

myself, Saturday.

To someone who looks exactly

like me, according to Peter.

Congratulations.

They... They could be twins.

I was just trying to call her.

Would you like to meet

Maximilian?

The recipient of your

bone-marrow.

His name is Max?

Yes.

Well, sure.

We'd love to meet someone

called Max.

We've tried to make Max's

life as normal as possible

under the circumstances,

but he has a particular hobby,

which is important to him.

Oh, let me see...

8-year-old boy...

football.

Chasing 8-year-old girls.

PETER: These rocket

clubs are all over Germany

and the championship...

is being held in Stuttgart

at the end of the month

and Max, he's planning to

compete.

JONATHAN: So soon after

the operation?

PETER: He's a very

determined boy

and we've caught the disease

at an early stage, so...

so we're hopeful.

JENNIFER: How long has Max

been in a wheel-chair?

PETER: That's not Max,

that's Phillip.

Phillip...

Yeah, he tried to parachute

off the school roof.

That's Max, over there.

Come on, dog!

Maybe Freeway can

introduce us.

Max!

Hi Peter, did you see

my blast-off?

Look! I think I found

a copilot.

Well, he has had some

flying lessons.

Oh, hi Simone!

This is Jennifer

and Jonathan Hart.

-How do you do?

-Good.

Why are you calling Simone

Jennifer?

Because she is Jennifer.

This is your bone-marrow

donor.

Your name is really Jennifer?

My name is really Jennifer.

You're going to save my life,

Jennifer. Did you know that?

Well, I'm certainly gonna try.

I'm gonna blast-off again.

Can I take my copilot?

Sure.

Come on, doggie. Here, boy!

Come on!

His name is Freeway!

Hey, Freeway!

Come on, Freeway!

He's a very brave little boy.

Braver than you think.

He's an orphan.

I think we'd both like to

spend a little more time

with him.

Maybe we'll hang out here

for a while.

I knew I'd find

the right people.

Kleenex?

Bone-marrow experiments?

You think I enjoy watching

money that belongs to me

tumbling into

a bottomless pit?

It doesn't matter.

I am going home.

Not until you fulfill your

bargain with me.

Have you forgotten

you signed this paper?

That was before I met him.

Now I know him.

He's a wonderful man.

I really care for him.

There's nothing more boring

than listening to a tramp,

trying to develop

a conscience.

I will go to the police!

Oh, you will?

And what do you tell them?

You have the record for fraud.

Your signature is

on this paper

and the local magistrate is my

weekly chess partner.

You have two alternatives.

One, you can accept my

offer for money

or you can rot in

a German prison.

What will happen to Peter

after the marriage?

What concern is it of yours?

One way or the other,

he will be out of your life.

Oh...

Please don't be sad.

Five million dollars is a very

effective vaccine against

loneliness.

Well, what is it?

Nothing... Nothing.

Nothing.

I wonder what's keeping

your twin.

Oh, Peter said

she's always late.

Well, there's one difference.

I never had to wait for you.

Aw...

How sweet of you to remember

it that way.

Except at the altar.

I thought you weren't going

to bring that up again.

I just wanted everything

to be perfect.

I'm so sorry...

so sorry that I'm late.

Fritz!

-Our table, please.

-Right away, Herr Donner.

Good evening, Fraulein Grohe.

And to you, sir.

Fraulein Grohe?

I really do have to meet

this woman.

Unless things change

drastically, Jennifer,

that may never happen.

Amazing.

(LAUGHS)

And I found this in my

coat-pocket when I went to

pick her up at the hotel.

Unbelievable.

Oh, she's having second

thoughts about the wedding.

I can read between the lines.

She'll be back.

Do you know where she is?

No... No, and I'm running

out of time.

Unless Simone and I show up

for the prenuptial ball

tomorrow night,

it'll be a major embarrassment

for my family.

There are people coming

from all over Europe.

Maybe you could postpone it.

Rain delay.

Rain delay?

Yeah, like baseball games.

Baseball Ball?

Just a thought.

My cousin, Karl Von Ostenberg,

has arranged everything down

to the last detail.

This would be a major scandal

that he couldn't live down.

I can't embarrass Karl

after all he's done for me.

-Uh-oh.

-Huh?

There's that look.

What look?

That transparent look that

tells me exactly what you're

thinking.

You couldn't possibly know

what I was thinking.

She's thinking...

that you're such a nice man

that maybe she could go to

the ball with you

and pass herself off

as Simone.

What a hair-brained,

far-fetched idea.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Totally bizarre.

Is that what you thought

I was thinking?

That's exactly what I thought

you were thinking.

We'd never be able to

pull that off.

Would we?

Not a chance.

But that is what you

were thinking.

Something like that.

Something like that?

All right, exactly like that.

It is completely insane,

of course.

But...

What ever happened to the good

old days when all anybody

wanted to borrow was a

cup of sugar?

PETER: The Donners and the

Grohes built a vast fortune

together

but then their families became

estranged enemies.

You know, like the...

Hatfields and the McCoys?

You think the British

royal family has problems.

Just wait.

My family makes the Windsors

look like the Von Trapp

Family Singers.

Grandfather desperately wanted

to marry Ludmila Grohe,

but she ran off with her

brother instead.

Her brother?

Yes, grandfather was furious

so he drove the Grohes

out of business

and out of the country, but...

on his deathbed,

never having resolved

the loss of his love,

he wanted to repent. So he put

the money of both families

into a trust,

never to be released until

the Grohes and the

Donners married.

Your father didn't get

the money?

My father was in

an insane asylum.

You see, my mother had run off

with the gardener,

who was actually working

for the Grohes.

And when my mother found out

that she

was set up,

she took some of the Grohes

for a picnic in her car

and drove them off the bridge.

Well, I wouldn't worry

about the money.

Geraldo or Sally Jessy would

pay a fortune to have a guest

like you.

Sally Jessy?

Television people.

So you don't control

the trust?

No. My cousin,

Karl Von Ostenberg, does.

He's been very generous to me

but I've been losing a lot

of money with the clinic

and if this wedding

doesn't happen,

he may decide that he has to

shut it down.

How did you meet Simone?

It wouldn't have happened

if it weren't for Karl.

He was wonderful.

He took out advertisements,

he sent out investigators

to look for a living Grohe

and he found her!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

For a while,

I wondered if I could

marry someone

that I didn't love

for the sake of the clinic.

The answer was no.

But as luck would have it,

there was Simone.

That's lucky,

isn't it, darling?

Yes.

And timely.

I'm sure she'll come to her

senses 'cause we really do

love each other, you know.

-Aw...

-That's why Jennifer's

kind offer...

Look, Peter...

let us sleep on it, would you?

Your hotel is just

around the corner.

Goodnight.

And don't worry.

Don't worry.

Things will work out.

That's the most dysfunctional

family I've ever heard of.

Isn't it?

It's a wonder Peter's so nice.

He is nice, isn't he?

That's why we should

do this for him.

-No, that's why something

doesn't add up.

-What?

-Well, Peter is a very bright,

attractive guy.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Soon to be a very rich,

bright, attractive guy.

-Mmm-hmm.

So why wouldn't Simone

want to marry him?

I don't know.

-Could be dozens of reasons.

-Well, that's my point.

We don't know Simone.

Who she is, what she wants,

who her friends and

enemies are.

You pretend to be her

for just a few hours,

those friends and enemies

become yours.

Mmm.

Now you're looking at me

with that other look.

What other look?

That look that tells me you're

going to be stubborn

about this.

(SCOFFS)

You...

Mmm...

I know that look too.

What look?

That look that tells me that

somehow this Cinderella

is not going to the ball

without her prince.

-You can bet your glass

slippers on that.

-Uh-huh.

And you know what, prince?

That's me.

I like that look.

Come here.

Mmm.

That should be

Mr. Jonathan Hart,

American business man of

considerable wealth and

reputation.

It seems he wants to buy

the Donner Brewery,

all cash.

Until Peter's inheritance is

in your name, you can't

sell it to him legally.

I want you to go

and show him in.

Don't spare the charm.

Lots of teeth.

Then I want you to go have

a conversation with...

what's her name?

-Simone.

-Simone, yes.

Remember if Simone doesn't

marry Peter, you can't

marry me.

(GERMAN) Macht schnell. Raus.

JONATHAN:

♪ She's the sweetest, little

rosebud

♪ that Texas ever knew ♪

My, my...

Not too shabby.

Not too shabby at all.

Mr. Hart,

-I'm Elsa.

-How do you do?

We're honored to have such

a distinguished guest.

Welcome to our little home.

You didn't have to go to all

of this trouble for me.

I'm sorry. This is for

our party tonight.

If I were decorating for you,

I'd start with me.

Whoa.

Karl is expecting you.

Mr. Hart, please.

Thank you,

honey.

Mr. Hart!

Karl Von Ostenberg.

You can call me Jonathan,

Karl.

Jonathan,

I'm puzzled.

I must admit I've done a bit

of snooping into your affairs.

Is that a fact?

Beer? A brewery?

It doesn't seem to fit, even

remotely, into your mix

of companies.

Karl, do you know what the

watch-word is for the 90s?

Semiconductors.

I wasn't aware of that.

Do you know what the new

watch-word is for the

21st century?

-Beer?

-Diversify.

Diversify?

-Diversify.

-Diversi-fy.

And I intend to stay ahead

of the game.

Well, in that case, let me

invite you to examine the

merchandise.

Don't mind if I do.

(GERMAN) Prost.

Whatever.

If the brewery's as good

as the brew,

then we do have something

to talk about.

Good.

There is one small problem.

What's that?

I cannot sell

the brewery for...

a few days.

There are certain...

papers that need

to be transferred.

It'll take perhaps...

a week.

Oh Karl, that'd put a twist

in my shorts.

I don't plan on being

in Munich that long.

Well,

plans can change.

How can I entice you to stay?

You can't.

But that...

Fraulein I met...

Oh, my cousin, Elsa.

Cousin?

Many times removed.

Sorry to hear about that...

You see...

My wife is not with me

on this trip.

Oh, really?

Well in that case,

why don't I put her

next you at my dinner tonight.

Karl...

Are you mixing business

with pleasure?

I can only vouch for

the business

but Elsa knows all about the

pleasure and you can take

my word for that.

We still have to get you

a fake beauty mark and take a

trip to the hair-dresser

but I've shown you most

of Simone's favorite places,

just in case someone

mentions them.

I can certainly see why this

was one of them.

Or as Simone would say,

(IN A GERMAN ACCENT)

"I can see why this was one

of them."

A little softer with...

-Softer?

-Yes.

(IN A GERMAN ACCENT)

I can see why this was one

of them.

By George, I think

you've got it.

(LAUGHING)

Ah, it's so beautiful.

Yes, Simone thought so

as well.

CROWD: Aw!

This is where and when

we first kissed.

Aw...

Peter, I'm not Simone.

Yes... Yes, of course.

Any woman would come back

to a man who remembers their

first kiss the way you do.

Come on.

I'll be late for

that hair-dresser.

VOICE: Orderlies to station,

please.

Jonathan,

this is Dr. Detmeier.

She's heading up

Max's operation.

-How do you do?

-Nice to meet you.

This is Jonathan Hart and

that is Freeway.

I thought maybe Max's copilot

might cheer him up.

I hope it's all right.

Well...

it's not strictly sanitary,

but...

Perhaps just this once.

This is the first stage of his

final test and he told me

he's scared.

He's never admitted

that before.

Well, maybe a wagging tail is

just what the doctor ordered.

Freeway!

Here's your copilot.

You ready for take-off?

I don't wanna go with them.

Doctor, would they excuse us

for a moment?

Of course.

Wait please.

What do you mean, you don't

want to go with them?

I don't wanna go with them

because I'm scared.

What do astronauts do

when they see a cloud?

They fly right through them.

Right.

Why don't you think of this

operation as a cloud?

And you're gonna fly right

through it and come out

on the other side?

Like an adventure?

Like an adventure

in the wild, blue yonder,

hmm?

Okay.

You ready for blast-off?

Ready.

Ready for count-down.

Check.

Ten...

nine...

eight...

seven...

six...

five...

four...

This is as far as you can go,

Mr. Hart.

Only astronauts from this

point on, Freeway.

Happy landings, Captain Max.

(BARKS)

You still have not changed

your mind?

Simone, time is rapidly

running out for you.

If you do not live up to your

bargain and marry Peter,

I have no earthly use for you.

Do you understand that?

Good.

Tonight when Peter

enters the ball

without you,

at the moment of his greatest

humiliation,

you will make your entrance.

You had a bad case of the

nerves, you came to me

and I was able to

affect a joyful

family reunion, ja?

Don't forget to cry.

Yeah, good.

And by the way...

if you do not think that

money can make you happy,

well, you've never had enough

to know.

Five million dollars.

What's there to think about?

PETER: She walks like Simone,

talks like Simone...

I can't wait to meet

this woman.

The Count and Countess

Goess-Ensenberg.

Howdy.

How y'all doing?

MAN: Baron Wunderland

and lady Applegate.

Jonathan Hart.

Mr. Jonathan Hart.

Thank you, little fella.

Mr. Hart.

I believe we are seated next

to each other at Karl's table.

Do you mind if I consider

you my escort?

Well,

even a blind hog can find

an acorn now and then.

I beg your pardon?

I'd be proud.

Jonathan,

I see you found my lovely

cousin, Elsa.

We sort of found each other.

And where I come from,

we like to play

"finders, keepers."

Mr. Peter Donner.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Ms. Simone Grohe.

CROWD: Ah!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(STRUGGLING)

(SCREAM)

What's the matter, Karl?

Something go down

the wrong way?

Let me go!

No!

Ahh!

(APPLAUSE)

They sure do make

a lovely couple.

Ahhh!

Who is that woman?

Right now, she seems

to be you.

Ahhh!

Witch!

(SCREAMS)

(CHUCKLING)

My beauty-mark is itching.

-I think it's moving.

-You're doing beautifully.

Here we go.

Karl and Elsa are

at the end of the line.

I've already told you

everything about them.

The first man you're going

to meet is my cousin, Helmut.

He's going to pinch you on the

bottom, give you a bear-hug

and you always kiss

him on the nose.

I do?

One in every family.

-Simone!

-(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Who is this fool?

The resemblance is

phenomenal.

Whoever she is,

Aunt Edna will notice

the difference.

Next is Aunt Edna.

She's your best friend

in the family,

the only one who approves

of the clinic.

Kiss both cheeks.

Aunt Edna!

You look wonderful!

Your hair!

My hair?

You've done something

different.

Oh...

I like it, Simone!

You do?

Well, we must have tea

next week. I'll tell you

all my secrets.

Peter, darling,

I hear you found a donor

who's a match to

that young boy.

A perfect match, in fact.

Everything's going to be

just fine.

-Bye bye...

-We'll have lunch, won't we?

Simone.

You look lovely.

Thank you, Karl.

Elsa!

You look wonderful.

You've been working out again.

It does wonders

for your figure.

Thank you,

Simone.

You look like you've been

working out too.

I don't believe I've had the

pleasure, Monsieur ...

Hart.

Jonathan Hart.

Well...

And what brings you to Munic,

Monsieur Hart?

A little business,

a little pleasure.

Ah...

Well perhaps we'll be seeing

more of you.

Monsieur ...

Hart, honey.

And you can count on it,

Ms. Grohe.

That Simone woman is as pretty

as a June bug.

Truly. Yeah, yeah.

She is very remarkable.

Bring Simone down.

Expose this woman

as a fraud.

Not until I know

why she is here.

Who is she?

What is Peter up to?

Is he on to us?

I haven't waltzed since

I've been in short-pants.

Care to take a twirl?

Yes, delighted.

Auntie Edna!

That Simone woman said

you like to work out.

I'm a sucker

for physical fitness.

I fence mostly.

How well do you swing

a sword, Jonathan?

Well, where I come from, Elsa,

that could mean

several things.

We'll have to try another

picnic soon.

Yes! It was wonderful.

Wasn't it?

Watching all the delicious

food get soaked?

I thought it would

never stop raining.

Raining?

I fell in the river.

And almost drowned.

-Drowned?

-Yes.

I'm an excellent swimmer.

What's wrong with you, Simone?

Well really, Erwin, have you

completely

lost your sense

of humor?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

With your permission, Peter...

What about once around

with the bride?

Of course.

-Ms. Grohe?

-My pleasure.

Oh, I'm so glad

you came along.

I was about to blow it.

You're doing fine.

-You're the belle of the ball.

-Ah!

Elsa seemed very attentive.

Like a predator

in a water-hole.

Don't turn your back on her.

The night is young, Carita.

And as Valentino said,

"There's nothing like tile

for the tango."

Wait.

You've got my beauty mark.

What are we gonna do?

I've got an idea.

Is it there?

-Yeah.

-(SIGHS)

You got it back but it's

a couple inches too high.

-Uh-oh.

-Better try the power room.

That man.

He's the one who mugged me

and tried to take my packages.

What's he doing here and why

is he talking to Elsa?

Well, he's got some nerve.

She's my date.

May I help you?

I was looking for

the men's room.

It's back there.

Take a right

and a left.

-(SCREAMS)

-(GLASS BREAKING)

Oh, my...

-(SCREAMS)

-(GLASS BREAKING)

A right

and then a left.

Excellent directions.

(WALTZ PLAYING)

Do the antique vases in this

castle belong to you?

No.

Good.

Who was that man?

Someone who works

for Karl.

He's got Simone locked up

like the prisoner of Zenda.

She's all right but she's

understandably upset.

You... You must be mistaken.

Not Karl.

It's his castle and his

merry men.

Well I've got to settle this

matter with Karl immediately.

If you confront Karl, then

everyone will know that

Jennifer is not Simone.

I can't just leave

her alone in there.

And I'm not gonna

put my wife in danger.

But if Karl knows

I'm not Simone,

why hasn't he said anything?

They didn't expect you

to be here.

Whatever they had planned,

you are now in the way.

I hate being in the way.

What do we do now?

Well, they haven't exposed

their hand, so

we won't expose ours.

I trust you've found your

evening enjoyable.

I can't begin to tell you

what I found tonight, Karl.

My, my...

I'm afraid I'm exhausted

from all this dancing.

Peter, would you take me home?

I think I'll push

myself off too.

No offense folks, but the

champagne and the jet-lag

has turned my brain to mush.

Be careful of the night air,

Simone.

You might catch your death...

of cold.

Oh, Karl...

You are always thinking

about someone else.

Are you going to just let

her walk out of here?

Find out who she is.

Two Simones,

an embarrassment of riches.

Now our only problem

is to decide...

which one

to kill.

-Did anyone call?

-No one.

I'll try calling that

detective agency again.

Maybe they're open by now.

Where could he have gone?

I don't know, but if you want

to pick up a few colorful

phrases in German,

try yelling "Freeway"

in the streets of Munich

at five in the morning,

Hmm?

You might take that

beauty mark off now.

I'm afraid I've grown

attached to it.

Well, that's nice,

darling but,

I prefer you the way you were.

Still not in.

Actually, I can't.

You can't what?

Take it off.

You see...

I was so desperate to keep it

in place last night that I...

found some crazy-glue in a

desk and I'm afraid

I welded it on.

Simone lives.

Look, we all bit off

a little more than we

could chew last night.

Peter's a nice man,

but we didn't come all the way

to Munich

to get involved

in an episode of Family Feud .

We came here to save the life

of a young boy.

But we can't just

walk out on Peter.

And I'm partially responsible

for the fix he's in.

It was my idea

to go to the ball.

You wanted to help.

You always do.

That's why I married you

instead of Simone Grohe.

Right now,

we have two priorities.

One to save young Max,

and the other to find Freeway.

I'll change.

Oh...

Poor Freeway, our little baby,

all alone in a strange city.

His little heart must

be breaking.

MAN: Max! Time to go!

-Max!

-I'm coming!

(BARKING)

JENNIFER: Freeway!

Freeway!

Freeway, baby!

Come here!

Freeway!

(WHISTLING)

-Darling?

-Any luck?

No.

Don't worry. We'll find him.

JENNIFER: Freeway!

Freeway!

Jonathan! Jennifer!

I got your message

at the hotel.

I contacted a friend who runs

a dog-walking club.

She's going to get all of her

members out looking

for Freeway.

Oh, Peter, that's

so kind of you.

Well, between the police,

the private eyes,

the dog-walkers and us

it's just a matter of time.

Speaking of the police,

what have you decided

to do about Simone?

I didn't sleep one hour

last night.

I almost called the police

and then I thought

that the local tabloids

would turn this into a circus.

Why on Earth

would Karl kidnap her?

What could he possibly

gain by it?

Well, he could stop

the wedding.

That would prevent you from

coming into a lot of money.

Yes, but it wouldn't become

his money.

He merely administrates

the trust.

Don't take this the wrong way,

Peter.

Maybe she wasn't kidnapped.

Maybe they're both

in on it somehow.

If that were true,

why would he lock her up?

We have to find some way

of getting her out of there.

Maybe we could sneak in

through one of the secret

passageways!

-Secret passageways?

-Sure.

What secret passageways?

Well, don't be silly.

All those old castles have

secret passageways.

...In the movies.

Well, Jennifer is due at the

hospital for some tests.

I'm afraid you'll be sedated

for a couple of hours.

We'll meet you there

and when Jennifer's recovered,

we'll all go out and visit

cousin Karl,

come clean, lay our cards

on the table and demand

an explanation.

What if he denies everything?

Simple...

Peter and I will keep him busy

while you check the secret

passageway.

(GERMAN) Auf wiedersehen.

Freeway!

(BARK)

They all stick together,

darling. He won't tell you

a thing.

Let's try over there.

We'll find him, darling.

I promise

but right now we've gotta

get you to Peter's clinic.

Oh, just for a minute.

All right. Only just

for a minute.

He called her darling.

They're going to

Peter's clinic.

You've heard something

from that pair of dummkopfs ?

I ordered a computer search

on Jonathan Hart.

And?

While we were busy

congratulating ourselves,

Mr. and Mrs. Hart were

making utter fools of us.

It seems Mrs. Hart

is undergoing tests

at Peter's clinic

for the next few hours.

Let's get rid of Simone.

Call the whole thing off.

She'll never keep

her bargain anyway.

You're right.

She's even more untrustworthy

than I am.

But thanks to the Hart's

amateur theatrics,

I now have a choice.

(LAUGHS)

What are you doing?

Let go of me!

-Pig!

-Now, now, Simone.

We're only trying to help.

You bitch!

No!

-No!

-Just relax.

Your long nightmare is over

and Jennifer Hart's

has just begun.

You! No dogs allowed!

You! Dog! Come back here!

VOICE: Dr. Gertingen 2965.

How you doing Max?

Okay, I guess.

Just trying to fly

through the cloud.

It's a pretty big one,

isn't it?

Pretty big.

Max, I need you to help me

because I've never been

through an operation

like this either

and I want to be just as brave

as you were yesterday.

I'll help you, Jennifer.

You will?

Thank you.

You know, we had

a very close friend

named Max.

-You did?

-Mmm-hmm.

I met him when I was

in an orphanage

just like you.

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

JENNIFER: Really.

And you remind us

a lot of him.

-I do?

-Mmm-hmm.

Why?

Because...

he saved my life

but in a very different way.

And he was...

the bravest and the sweetest

man in the world.

PETER: Hello?

Dr. Detmeier, I don't believe

you've met Jennifer Hart.

Hello.

-God, that's incredible!

-Yes, we know.

Really amazing.

Even the alignment

of the front mandible.

First thing I noticed too.

We'll be taking a core marrow

sample from Jennifer, as well

as from Maximilian.

We'll run them simultaneously

for one final test

of compatibility.

VOICE: Herr Schuler

to physical therapy.

Freeway!

(GIGGLING)

(GROANING)

Put that on her.

Go find something

to cover her face.

They boy's got to be taken

to the OR right away.

Freeway! Quick, hide!

Ready, Max?

Ready.

Okay, let's go then.

(SIGHS)

Hi.

I'll be right here

when you wake up.

Oh, you look more worried

than I am.

I'm fine.

I've never been

more proud of you

or more in love with you

than I am right now.

Wow.

I should have done this

a long time ago.

Psst.

Psst!

Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen a little dog

running around?

What kind of a dog?

Many kinds,

about this size.

Where'd you see him last?

That little trespasser was

getting on one of

the elevators.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

Where are you, little dog?

Come on.

VOICE: Frau Mueller

to cardiology.

(BARK)

Freeway?

(WHISTLES)

JONATHAN: Hey!

Hey!

I'd know that cold, wet nose

anywhere.

(BARK)

Save the explanations

for later.

Now, Jennifer.

I see it all went well.

A perfect match.

JONATHAN: Is someone

coming with a key?

Will you open the door?

Excuse me.

Come on!

Jonathan! What are you

doing... What is he doing

in here?

I'm not exactly sure and he's

not talking. How's Jennifer?

-It went beautifully.She's in

recovery.

-Let's go.

You understand that Jennifer

will be quite druggy

for a while.

(BARK)

Freeway.

(BARK)

Freeway, will you come on?

We're going to see Jennifer.

Freeway, come on.

It all went very smoothly.

She just needs

to sleep it off.

(WHISPERING) Darling.

-I'm here.

-(GROANING)

Would it be possible to take

her back to the hotel?

I'm sure she'd feel more

comfortable waking up there.

Well, it's a bit irregular

but I don't see why not.

She's in perfect health.

(BARKING)

Freeway doesn't seem to think

much of that idea.

(BARK)

I don't know what's gotten

into him all of the sudden.

(BARKING)

Freeway, will you pipe down?

(GROANING)

Don't try to talk, darling.

Everything's going

to be all right.

-We're going home now.

-Oh...

Come on.

Freeway, come on.

Uh-oh, Toto.

We're not in Kansas anymore.

(GRUMBLING)

JONATHAN: Just take it easy,

darling.

The coffee's on the way up.

Let me explain.

It all started when you called

Mike Tyson a sissy.

(GROWLING)

Will you quit that, Freeway?

-Who?

-Let me give you a hint.

Oh, my God.

(SCREAMING)

Houston, we have a problem.

Stay, Freeway.

Honeymoon jitters.

Ah!

Looking for a woman

in pajamas?

-Yeah.

-How could I have guessed?

That way.

Ahhh!

-(GRUNTS)

-(GLASS BREAKING)

Where the hell is my wife?

Don't be afraid to

look over the side.

You're missing the view.

When my husband hears

about this...

Your husband?

I'm off to see him

as soon as we land.

I intend to ask him for his

cooperation

and I'm going

to need yours too.

Go to hell.

(SCREAMING)

Do you know what a body

looks like after it drops

a thousand feet?

Huh? I can drop you

in the water,

make you disappear

forever, ja?

As far as going to hell,

of this there is no doubt.

But...

only after I get

what I want.

Concierge please.

This is Jonathan Hart.

I'll need a car right away.

-(KNOCK AT THE DOOR)

-It's open.

Thank you.

Jonathan, this is

too fantastic.

Do you remember when Jennifer

was joking

about a secret

passageway to the castle?

Well, there is one!

I found these old

architectural drawings

in the family archives...

-There it is.

-Look, don't bother.

We're going back to the castle

all right, but we're going

through the front door.

Jennifer.

I see you're feeling better.

That's not Jennifer.

Hello, Peter.

Simone!

Are you all right?

What happened?

Where's Jennifer?

Karl has her.

What?

Somehow they switched

them both at the clinic.

What... What is going on here?

Tell him, Simone.

It's time you told

him everything.

I love you, Peter.

That is why what I'm going to

say is so much more difficult.

When...

Karl found me in Provence,

I was in trouble.

I was broke.

I was once in

prison for fraud.

Karl offered me

an arrangement.

An... an arrangement?

I was supposed to come here,

make you fall in love with me

and marry you.

But I had to sign a contract

that if anything

happened to you,

all my inheritance

would go to Karl.

Your inheritance?

He was going to pay me

five million dollars.

I don't understand.

If you inherit money

from me...

you'd be dead.

Probably killed in some

accident that Karl arranged.

I'm sure he'd volunteer

to deliver the eulogy

at your funeral.

Oh, my God, Simone.

Peter...

I didn't realize what Karl

was going to do.

Or maybe I didn't want

to realize it.

And I didn't know you.

I didn't care for you.

But... then I met you

and I fell in love with you,

Peter. I really did.

I told Karl I couldn't

go through with it.

Do you love me now?

Oh, Peter...

I'll only cause you trouble.

That's not what I asked!

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes.

I'll be right down.

That's Karl. He's in the bar.

I believe my friend is

a connoisseur of...

beer?

Nothing, thank you.

Before you say a word,

if you've done anything

to harm my wife,

you know I'll kill you.

Jonathan...

Such needless animosity.

We each have problems.

I thought we could work

together to solve them.

Spit it out, Karl.

All right.

When I first went to France

to find this Simone Grohe,

I discovered she

was a hustler,

specializing in defrauding

wealthy men.

First I...

I didn't even want to

tell Peter she existed.

I have a deep affection

for my cousin.

I didn't want to see him hurt.

There's a violinist

playing outside.

Perhaps I could arrange for

him to stand behind you.

The deal I struck

with Simone was for

Peter's own protection.

She's a common criminal.

I couldn't let her get her

hands on all that money.

The temptation for her to do

something harmful to Peter

would be too powerful.

Ja?

Let me get this straight.

She's the potential killer?

I constructed what I thought

was a fool-proof agreement.

If the marriage was happy,

well, all well and good.

But if something happened

to Peter,

his money

would never be her money.

No, it would be yours.

That is convenient, isn't it?

I have looked after this

inheritance for decades.

I have guarded

Peter's interest.

I have catered to his whims.

Do you think I'm going to

let some...

two-bit fortune-hunter destroy

all this? Do you?

I don't believe a word

you've said, Karl.

And I don't give a damn

what the hell happens to you.

I want my wife back.

Now.

I do not know where she is.

Then you're a dead man.

Somehow I have

the high confidence...

that you will find her safe

and unharmed...

As soon as the wedding

of Peter

and Simone

is consummated.

Ja?

Peter is in love. You don't

have to convince him.

And as far as Simone

in concerned...

I think someone as

successful as you are

can be quite persuasive

when properly

motivated.

So...

I have saved a seat of honor

for you at the wedding.

Please

do not disappoint me.

Or Jennifer.

Auf Wiedersehen.

PETER: I know this is

the right place. It's the east

side of the castle.

I mean, it's got to be

here somewhere.

There it is.

The Donner family must have

put on a few pounds

over the years.

I can't get through there.

Neither can you.

I can.

Darling, you can't

go back in there.

Besides, according to

the plans, there are several

exits inside the castle.

If you choose the wrong one...

I know where they kept me.

I will try there first.

I hope there are no spiders.

I hate spiders.

Lucky for us, there's no

spiders in Germany.

What are you talking about?

Of course there are spiders

in Germany.

Just checking.

Wow!

It's...

amazing!

Fantastic!

(GASPS)

Can you open that again?

I think so.

The control is behind

the Shakespeare.

Shakespeare.

There is no Shakespeare!

What?

MAN: They...

multiplied...

like rabbits!

It's no use, Simone.

Just get into that wedding

dress and no one

will get hurt.

Which one of us

are you talking to?

Yes...

Which one of us are you

talking to?

Very clever.

But you've forgotten one

important detail, Mrs. Hart.

On your photograph,

there was no beauty mark.

Ow!

Sorry, Simone.

Nice try,

Mrs. Hart.

Now get into that dress.

Mrs. Hart's life

depends on it.

I'll be back.

No one ever knew

that wasn't real?

No one ever asked.

Aunt Edna, how beautiful,

sehr schoen ... Heinrich!

Why you don't take Aunt Edna

for a glass of champagne?

Beautiful hat.

Hurry, take her quick.

I have a little news for you.

Simone looks stunning

in her wedding dress

and by the way, Mrs. Hart

thinks so too.

And another for me!

How prompt you are, Mr. Hart.

I wouldn't miss it for

the world if it means

getting Jennifer back.

You remember the other day

you advised me to diversify?

Quite prophetic, Mr. Hart.

I am now holding both women.

Don't worry, Mr. Hart.

I have found the real Simone.

And if things continue to go

smoothly,

without interference,

you will find

the real Jennifer.

Nice day for a wedding.

Well, we tried.

If you wouldn't mind,

Jonathan...

now more than ever,

I need a best man.

Pretty as a picture.

You're about to become

a very wealthy woman...

for a while.

Take her downstairs.

I have some business

to conduct

with Mrs. Hart.

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here...

to join these two people

in holy, wedded matrimony.

I'm truly sorry

about all this,

Mrs. Hart.

If only you hadn't tried

to interfere.

Elsa...

you are making

a terrible mistake.

Karl will be furious!

Will you stop

that fake accent?

You final words...

should be in your own voice.

Elsa!

When we first met, you...

you were wearing a scarf

that was given to you

by your grandmother.

We went to lunch at the

Extra Black.

You were very sick.

Listen to me, Elsa!

Right now, downstairs, Peter

is marrying Jennifer Hart.

(BULLET WHIZZING BY)

ELSA: Help me!

Help me!

No! Leave me!

Find her! Kill her!

If there is anyone here...

who has just cause

as to why these two people

should not be bound together

in holy matrimony

let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

Well, I object.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

I cannot marry this man

because I'm already married

to this man.

(SCREAMING)

Peter!

(GUNSHOT)

Help! Help!

I'll never forget you.

I'll be right back.

Me too.

Mr. Hart!

Prepare to defend yourself!

Damn it! Dummkopf .

Aunt Edna!

You?

Uh-huh.

Atta way, Rocky.

Hmm...

Now let me see,

the face is familiar.

Let me figure this out.

Scaramouch?

Zorro?

Speaking of familiar faces,

how are we gonna get rid

of that beauty mark?

(CHUCKLING)

Just show me to a hot tub

and some clean sheets

and you can figure it out.

Hmm...

(GIGGLING)

PRIEST: If there's

anyone here...

who has just cause

as to why these people

should not be bound

in holy matrimony,

let them speak now

or forever

hold their peace.

Why is everyone looking at me?

I now pronounce you...

husbands and wives.

Yes!

(BARK)

MAX: Jennifer?

Yes, Max?

I told you you were gonna

save my life.

Yes, we're going to take

very good care of that life.

Mrs. Strauss...

Another Freeway!

We thought you needed

a permanent copilot.

Oh, wow!

Well, Peter,

it's been an experience.

Simone...

I feel as if I'm saying

goodbye to myself.

If it had to be someone,

Jennifer, I'm glad it was you.

Thank you.

Amazing.

(LAUGHS)

That must be the car

to take us to the airport.

(WITH A EUROPEAN ACCENT)

Mr. and Mrs. Hart...

You're in plenty of time to

get to the airport before your

plane leaves.

(WHINING)

Was ist los?

Los?

Nothing.

You know...

It's such a nice day.

Why don't we just walk

to the airport?

What a good idea, darling.

I'm right behind you,

all the way.

Hart to Hart: Till Death Do Us Hart (1996) - full transcript