Hard Soap, Hard Soap (1977) - full transcript
(organ music)
(phone ringing)
- [Lou] Hello?
- [Penny] Lou?
- [Lou] Penny?
- [Penny] Lou, it laid
there, like a dead fish.
- [Lou] A real
flounder huh? (laughs)
- [Penny] It's not funny, Lou.
My husband can't get it
up and you wanna joke.
- [Penny] Oh all right,
I'll be right over.
(sighs)
(sighs)
- Look, no crotch.
- Lou, I'm eating.
- Fred loved 'em.
Honey, how many times
I gotta tell you
it's the tops you're
supposed to wear?
Gotta show 'em crotch.
With those tits small wonder
he can't get it up anyway.
Okay, okay I'll shut up.
- Tell me it's not me.
Comfort me.
- Well, it's not you.
- Good, glad to hear that.
He needs my help.
I've got to help him
solve his problem.
- Listen, your husbands
a doctor, a psychiatrist,
he can solve his own problems.
It's paranoid, freak-o's
like us that keep
him in business.
And you in cornflakes.
- Four nights in a row.
It just laid there, limp.
- Well Penny, he works
hard, he's tired.
- There's a solution.
I know it.
- Well I don't doubt
that but it's not kill
or cure time either.
- It's my sex life, my
marriage, I've got to solve it.
- Wanna borrow my panties?
- It's at the office, something's
going on at the office
that's causing this problem.
To cure you must understand
the nature of the problem.
- Well, why don't we
get clinical about it.
- [Penny] Lou,
are you my friend?
- Honey, we've been
friends since dirt.
- You've got to help me.
Please, go to the office.
He doesn't know you.
You've only lived
next door for a week.
- Can I finish my coffee first?
I'm vicious without it.
You think I should change?
- It's settled, you
go to the office.
- Penny, I don't know if I
should get involved in this.
- [Penny] I've got
it all planned.
They're all sickies down there.
They'll never know
the difference.
Not that you're
crazy or anything.
(mellow music)
- Dr. Holmes just phoned,
he'll be a little late.
So why don't you
wait in his office.
(upbeat music)
(page ripping)
(drawer slams)
- Do you want a glass of milk?
- No, I've got
some in the truck.
- But I've got plenty.
Oh, you have a whole truck full.
- I just don't know what to do.
- [Penny] I've had
experience, I can tell
it's not your fault.
- I just can't satisfy her.
- Look, maybe it's
the hours you keep.
Milkmen do get up early.
- No, that's not it.
I just can't satisfy her.
I'm a lousy lover.
- Can I be personal?
- [Milkman] Sure.
- Maybe it's your equipment.
I mean, maybe you're
just not large enough
in that department.
I mean, I could judge.
I could be fair about it,
where as she'd never tell you
for fear of hurting
your feelings.
Do you know what I mean?
- That's not it, I'm sure of it.
- See, I knew it.
You're backing away
from the problem.
- [Milkman] I'm not, I'm not.
- Yes, you are now stand up.
Stand up.
- That's not it.
- Come on, now look
I want you to know my
husband's a doctor.
We've discussed these
situations many times before.
I just want you to know
that I've had experience.
Relax, men are very sensitive
about the size of their organ.
Oh, the milk.
I didn't want it to get
spoiled by sitting out there
in the heat and all.
That's not it.
This is all wrong.
I shouldn't be doing this
I shouldn't be doing this is
definitively not the way to
solve your problem
Don't stop!
We won't, not until we have done our
best to solve your problem
It's the only way to know
for sure
Do me
- Hi, I didn't really
have an appointment
but I thought maybe if
you were free you could...
- Oh yes.
Well, ah...
Aww, oh you poor dear,
must be terrible, I mean,
terrible with a mask and all.
Here come here, sit down.
- Thank you.
- Believe me, I
know how you feel.
Believe me, I know
just how you feel.
Tell me about it.
- Well I can take the mask
off, it's just decoration.
- Oh no, no, no, it
would be too traumatic.
- No, really I just
didn't want anyone
to recognize me cause a lot
of crazy people come here.
- I know what you mean, believe
me, I know what you mean.
There's so many
of 'em out there.
You never know what
they're gonna say.
- Mm-hmm.
You have such a beautiful mouth.
- Oh, well, thank you.
Can't really see, you
know, the mask and all.
Just two little holes, and
two little eyes and a...
- So, you give head?
- Oh, only on Wednesdays
and by appointment only.
- Just what I thought.
The minute I saw you walk
through that door I said,
"There's a girl who gives
head and she's ashamed of it
so she wears a mask"
- I'm not ashamed of it.
- Yes, you are.
Listen, stay right here
I want you to give me head
What?
- Give me head
Oh God
You'll be cured
You can take off the mask
You'll never have to wear it again
Have faith, have faith!
You must have faith in me
It will be a long difficult cure
I can cure!
I can cure!
You are, you are.
Oh here, let me lay down
Oh yeah, here, oh yeah
I'm satisfied!
I'm satisfied!
Definitely being satisfied
The problem is not yours
Maybe a little longer?
If you want to be sure
Yeah, yes, yes
You are really quite good
I can't imagine what your wife
could be missing
Do you ever talk to her?
As your making love?
You're cured!
What is going on here?
I am Dr. Holmes,
this is my office
and I want to know what is going
on here
Well, suck a dick!
Do you think you will be finished
soon?
I am expecting someone
over
Oh my god!
I am glad I moved the milk
Oh no!
It's hit heart!
I think he is coming around
Coming yes, it's some kind
of a heart massage
Lou I don't think you should
be here when he wakes up
It could be a shock to
his heart
I'll be in the bedroom
I think it was your heart
You don't have anything
to worry about
I was completely satisfied
Try talking to your wife a little
more as you are making
love it might help.
It's a good feeling
I should hope so
To know that you
really helped someone
You're crazy,
you know you are crazy
You send me all the way down to your
husbands office to help you
with your problem
Then I come back here and you are
balling someguy to help
with his problem
What about your problem?
You know, people need my help
They have no one to turn to
They're using you
It's Willard
Now don't come in.
Who the fuck is Willard?
Willard is the newspaper boy
He is standing out there in front of
the window looking in
Don't let him see you
Oh dear the batteries are
almost dead
What the hell are you doing?
Willard thinks he is a voyeur
I am helping him get over
his problems with girls
Very shy you know
I really believed you when you
said you wanted to help people
you just like to get laid
Hey little creep, what you do
think you are doing?
I am collecting for the paper
Oh with your dick
hanging out huh?
No wait, hold it
Let me ask you something,
ever had a piece of ass?
Well I almost did once
Oh well yeah?
Well you are never going to get it
if you are standing in the
bushes jerking off
I'll tell you what,
you lay down
You lay down, and you are about to
get your first piece of ass
But!?
- Whats the matter?
But then I can't see through
the window
Oh you are really fucked
Oh you are really fucked
Oh brother
Take it easy, this isn't a
goddamn watermelon
Well you aren't going to get
very far with a limp dick
Alright, I'll get you up
Look at that
Think you can do it now
huh?
Can I?
Can I?
Can I?
Spit it out!
Can I come inside!?
Who said you could come creep?
Just keep humpin
- You perverted little bastard.
It's pimples for the
rest of your life
you little cock sucker.
- You know Lou, it's like
being trouble shooters.
- Trouble, yes but
what are we doing?
- We're solving
our problems Lou.
- Yeah, creating our problems.
First time I meet your
husband I'm giving head
to one of his patients.
I'm never gonna be
able to face him now.
- That's the first
problem we'll solve.
You and Fred are coming
to dinner tonight.
- Oh, I better go
do the laundry.
- Well there's no need to dress.
- No, you see Fred's outta
town and if I'm coming
to dinner I'm gonna
need a date right?
And I'm always getting
picked up at the Washerette.
- Doctor Holmes, what do ya do
when a fruit comes
to your office?
- Well, first of all and
most important I spray
them all over with insecticide
and then I just prune 'em
back a little bit. (laughs)
No, seriously, I never discuss
business from the office.
I mean, each individual
case is very confidential.
- Oh, that's a relief.
I mean, you know that
you can go to your office
and get help and not
worry about anyone
finding out about it.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it of course.
- That's very true, but
to further elaborate
on your question right
now I'm in the middle
of group therapy and I
try to allow the patient
to realize his or
her own problem.
And if it happens to be
homosexuality, then I feel
that discussing it, bringing
it out into the open,
in front of other patients
in group therapy, allows them
to alleviate a certain
feeling of guilt
that they may have about it.
- Mmm.
(phone rings)
- Oh, excuse me, be right back.
- So, you met Linda
Lou at the laundry?
- Excuse me.
She said it was by the dryers
Yeah I was just starting a load
Is that that place where the
machines carry the
eleven pound loads?
Do you use the powders or
the liquids?
Well, whatever
I always use the
liquids myself
You can pour them
on stains and it just works wonders
You can't make the powders stick on
the stains, know what I mean?
I have my own machine now
So much more convenient
Don't have to drag everything
up
drag it down to the launderette
and stand around waiting
You know?
Did a lot more reading
before I got my washer
Penny, do you... I'll be back in
a minute
You know you always meet
such interesting types there
People are so intriguing
Yeah I know what you mean
I like to study their faces as they
watch their clothes go around and
around in the dryers
The colors all sort of
blend together
Wine stains are terrible
to get out
Cotton isn't so bad
Do you always go to that
laundry?
No my wife usually takes
it to another place
What in the hell is going on here?
What were all those calls?
My receptionist, she is sick
and won't be coming in tomorrow
and I've got to go to Los
Angeles
Who is going to answer the
phones?
Penny?
I could do it
I'll run the office tomorrow
Ok, you run the office tomorrow
- Do you want me
to try some oral?
- Maybe tomorrow huh?
- But tomorrow you'll be
getting home late from L.A.
You won't feel like ...
- Penny, darling, listen
hey its late, I'm tired.
Maybe some other night.
- Are you dissatisfied with me?
- It's just work.
That's all, it's just work.
- I try.
Well, as long as
you're satisfied.
- I'm satisfied.
Go to sleep.
(Penny whines)
(upbeat music)
Hello, Mrs. Winegarden,
this is Dr. Holmes office.
The doctor asked if you could
reschedule your appointment
for 10:00 on Wednesday.
He won't be in today.
Okay, fine, thank you.
(phone rings)
Hello, Dr. Holmes office.
Lou, how are you?
You're at the laundry?
Lou, Lou, I don't think
that's such a good idea
after last night.
(phone rings)
Lou, what's the number there?
I'll call you right back okay?
(phone rings)
Okay, call you right back.
Hello, Dr. Holmes office.
Oh could I take a message
and have him call you?
Okay, thank you, good bye.
(phone rings)
Dr. Holmes--
Pardon me, no the doctor
isn't in the office today.
Perhaps I could help,
I've had experience.
Your husband is
fucking you to death?
Oh, I see, I mean I don't
really see, I understand.
And he's doing it now?
I see, I mean I understand.
He's doing it in your rectum?
Oh, I imagine it does.
And it's the third time today?
Oh dear, is Mr. Custer there?
I mean I know he's there,
could I speak to him?
Yes, I'll wait.
Hi, I'm Penny.
I was just wondering
that maybe if you
had some free time
tomorrow night you'd like
to attend one of our
group encounter sessions?
Yes, I know you'd enjoy it.
Yes, I'm sure they'll
be girls there.
You like the strange stuff?
I see, well, then I can
count on you being there?
III be looking forward to
meeting you too, goodbye.
(phone rings)
Oh.
Doctor Hol--
he isn't--
tomorrow afternoon?
What's your --
A double amputee and a midget?
Oh my God, how could you?
Oh I see, he's the
right height huh?
That's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
That's the most
disgusting thing I've ever
heard in my life.
You should see a doctor.
You enjoy that?
You paid?
Oh, you should see a doctor,
you should really see a doctor.
No, he does not
make house calls.
Hello, Lou?
Lou, this is Penny.
Lou, I'm going completely
out of my mind,
completely zonkers.
I need some release.
(slow music)
- Oh, hi.
You must be the janitor.
- I'm no janitor.
I'm a maintenance engineer.
I went to night school
to learn what I'm doing.
You understand that?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I know that your
position in life probably
doesn't offer but..
- My position?
Who the fuck do you
think you are lady, huh?
- Oh, well, um, I've just
been here for the day.
And I was just--
- You were just here for
the day and you're trying
to tell me what to do?
I mean, you even got a steady
job and you're claiming
you're better than me.
- Uh look--
- Shit.
It's all related.
Your attitude, your
position in life, it's all
related to your sexual drive.
- Sexual drive?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll show you
some sexual drive.
You're trying to say
you're better than me.
You trying to say
I'm not a man huh?
- [Penny] No. (screams)
- Come here, get down there.
Get down there.
Suck on this cunt
Suck on this you two bit cunt
Suck on that janitor dick
Sexual Drive
I am gonna fuck you till
you don't wanna fuck no more
Gonna fuck your ass right
off
I'll show you sexual drive
Come on, get your clothes off
Get your clothes off!
Come on, you are too slow
Lay back there now
You take off your panties
Rip them, come on!
Can't you do anything? Watch!
Now you wanna get fucked?
Huh?
I'll show you sexual drive
That's what you want? Isn't it?
Tell me, is that what you wanted?
You ever been fucked in the ass?
Have you ever? You wanna be?
You're gonna be
This janitor dick is gonna go
right up your ass
come on, I'll show you some
position, turn over
How do you like that
position?
Now lay there, you hear me?
Put your hands back here and spread
your ass
How's that feel?
Does it hurt?
I like it, no.
You want me to go deeper?
I can't hear you, you like it?
I like it
Is that what you wanted?
A janitor dick up your ass?
How's that for position huh?
I like it
I like it
- Huh, she likes it!
Fuck me!
Fuck my ass!
Fuck me!
Fuck my ass!
Come here!
- We should talk here, right?
No, he'll probably feel more
comfortable in the kitchen.
- Penny, he's coming
to comfort you.
He's gonna be comfortable
wherever you are.
- Do I look all right?
- He's not gonna
be looking at you.
(knocking at door)
- You get it.
(organ music)
- So nice of you to come father.
- It's my pleasure Mrs. Holmes.
Please call me Reverend Hope.
- You're not Catholic?
- No, universal church of life.
It's a common mistake.
- That explains it
then, you see, I called
the phone prayer people and
they referred me to you.
I felt like I needed
a more personal touch.
It's not that I have
anything against the work
they do on the phones but
well, I've had experience.
- I understand sister.
What is it that seems
to be troubling you?
- Well, my husband's
out of town, you see.
And he called to say
he wouldn't be coming
back home tonight and I
had this very terrible
And well, I just felt
like I needed somebody
to talk to, somebody
holy that could console
me in my time of trouble.
- What was the nature
of the experience?
- I don't exactly
know how to tell you
and you're being a
reverend and all.
- It was of a very
personal nature?
- It was sexual.
- And this took place
at your husband's office
while he was out of town?
- That's it, right, yeah.
He's out of town and I
was leaving the office
and I was accosted,
attacked by the janitor,
I mean the maintenance engineer.
- What did he do
when he attacked you?
- Terrible, it was terrible
the things he made me do.
- Could you be a
little more specific
about what took place?
- Rape, a little rape
and a little not rape.
- If you want to hear it straight
preacher, it's like this,
she got fucked silly by some
creepy, sadistic janitor
and she liked it.
And now she thinks
she's a masochist.
Simple enough?
- Perfectly clear.
Perfectly clear.
- I didn't know how to tell you.
I mean how do you
relate to this problem?
You don't engage in any--
- [Reverend]
Sister, I'm married.
- You don't know what a relief
it is to hear you say that.
I thought that if you'd never
done anything, well then,
you'd have no way to know.
- To help someone it is not
necessary to have experienced
the problem yourself.
But however, in my case
being married and gay
I can relate rather well
to your cock suckers,
buggerers, and scumbag
mother fuckers.
(Lou and reverend laughs)
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
It's against the world.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
Get out, get out.
- [Reverend] I'm
sorry I didn't...
- [Reverend] It's all right--
- [Lou] It's okay,
I'll calm her down.
Thank you father.
(dramatic music)
- Penny?
- Oh, just a little
solace, a little comfort,
that's all I wanted.
We're gonna have
to see a doctor,
I'm gonna need
professional help.
A psychiatrist, oh God.
If John ever found out
it would break his heart.
He's very religious, you know.
- Honey, look just forget it.
Just forget about--
I mean forget it ever happened.
- I can't, I can't keep running
away from my problems Lou.
I'm getting no sex outta
my marriage, no release.
I'll end up turning to
other men, like today.
I'll end up a vegetable.
- Penny, it's only
been four days.
- I'll need professional
help, therapy.
We'll attend John's therapy
session tomorrow night.
- Okay, okay listen.
We'll do that and
everything will be fine.
But tonight, you
really need some rest.
I'm gonna take you home
with me because you really
shouldn't be alone okay?
All right?
(soft music)
Got that pole ready honey?
I wanted it all day long
Give me some head first
- Ok sweetheart
Wait a minute, I gave you head last
night why don't you give me
some head this time
What's the difference?
Honey, you give me head this time
Ok, we'll do 69
No I want head
Ok I will I will, just finish me
first
No fucking way, you
finish me
or you can forget it
Ok, I just wanted to make sure you
didn't have anything
against eating pussy
You're really strange
Honey, you ain't seen nothing
yet
Tomorrow night it's assholes
I would do it tonight, except my
girlfriend is asleep in
the living room
The problem is when I get my asshole
eaten out I start laughing
because I get the most
terrific urge to fart
Oh Jesus Christ
Don't tell me you've never
ate an asshole before
I've led a sheltered life
I guess so, you really
are a straight guy
Kinda nice meeting someone with
normal needs and interests
Lou
Alright, alright
Don't you worry about
a thing honey
All I have to do is stick my little
old finger up your little old ass
and that thing will pop right up
You really do have a tight ass
I always thought that had something
to do with hemorrhoids
Oh god Lou
Did I ever tell you about the time I
went to a costume party
dressed as a Hemorrhoid?
Stop it
Ok, ok
See, what did I tell ya? Success
Now you lay here
Because there is nothing like a nice
stiff dick to ease my mind
after a hard day
Who is it?
It's me Lou
Just a minute Penny
- Okay, come on in Penny.
- Lou, I'm sorry, I
was trying to sleep
and I heard your,
"Fuck me, fuck me"
and the pressures
and the tensions.
And I need some release.
I mean, I've been without
John for four nights,
four days and the
pressures killing me.
Do you know what I mean?
- Aw, you poor baby.
I know just how you feel.
You need some release time.
Oh God, here, you truly need
some release, so
you just lean over
the edge of the bed.
Fred?
We need your services dear
Do your thing
I hope you don't feel bad
or anything
its the pressure I am under
Oh hon, I understand perfectly
You just enjoy yourself ok?
Oh it's glorious
Oh it's glorious
Lou I don't know how to thank you
Honey don't worry, I hate to
see a good hard on go to waste
Lou it's working!
I can feel the tension flowing
out of me
- You don't know what
a relief that was.
It's like rehabilitation.
- Oh honey, I'm exhausted
just watching you.
- Well now I can get some sleep.
And you don't have
to worry about me,
I'll really sleep now boy.
Oh, go ahead, make all
the noise you want Lou.
Nothing will ever wake me now.
(Penny exhales deeply)
(flute music)
- You awake Lou? Fred?
That's okay, don't get
up, I'll come back later.
- [Lou] What is it Penny?
- The tension, they're
starting to build up again.
- Fred? Fred?
I don't think he's up for
it this morning Penny.
He's kinda straight you know?
- You know I never really
got the chance to thank him.
I was gonna invite him to
the therapy session tonight.
- Oh, honey, don't
worry about it.
The free lay is enough thanks.
And besides, it's
not a party you know.
- No, it's not.
I know it's not.
- All those troubled
people, depressing to see
so many fucked up people.
- Did you say, "fucked up?"
- Did I say that?
Did I say that?
It was a slip, it just
slipped right out.
I don't use those words.
(Lou laughs)
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
I'm losing control.
I'm losing my focus
on the problem, Lou.
I've got to help John with
his problem, that's it.
- We are helping John.
We're going to the
group encounter tonight.
Don't worry about it,
everything's gonna be all right.
Sucky Fucky.
(ethereal music)
- You act like this is some
silly game or something.
All this romantic nonsense.
Our wives have
left us, you idiot.
And they're gonna take
us to the cleaners.
- It's all your fault.
If we hadn't married two sisters
we wouldn't be in this mess.
They were dykes, lesbo
commie dykes, a disgrace.
Bankrupt business
and two limp dicks.
It's over, we're finished.
- It's our karma.
- Oh, karma's ass.
(ethereal music)
(man in wheelchair grunts)
(man in wheelchair
blows raspberry)
- [man in glasses] Up yours too,
get the fuck outta
here you spastic turd.
Hey, cunt.
How many cunts are in
this fucking room anyway?
Ay, you.
You look like a
nice cunt. (laughs)
You guys wanna see my cock?
Eh, what a bunch
of crazies in here.
Think I came here
to fucking beat off?
God damnit, get over here,
give me some fucking head.
What the f--
(dramatic music)
- Who the hell's
he supposed to be?
- [Man in white tank top]
He's Little Red Riding Hood.
- [Man in plaid shirt] Your ass.
Can he talk?
- [Man in white tank top] Nine
to five the wolf fucks her.
- Here we go, right up the ass.
- What the hell?
- That's Pierre, he has
a problem, you know?
- No shit.
- Put her down wolf,
fuck that little cunt.
[Man in plaid shirt] Come
on Little Red, get away,
you can do it.
Kick him in the balls.
Get up, come on.
- That schmuck's really
falling for it over there.
- He has a problem
with his bowels,
I hope he doesn't get upset.
- If he shits I'm leaving.
- Come on wolf, fuck her.
- Come on wolf, fuck
the shit outta her.
(woman gasps)
- This has gone far enough.
- Yay. (claps)
- Ohhhhhh.
- He didn't come yet.
He was gonna come any minute.
- Hello, I'm Penny Holmes.
The doctor's out of
town for the evening
and I'll be in charge of
the therapy session tonight.
- [Man in striped shirt] Boo.
- Hey, hey, hey,
hey wait a minute.
You're the cunt I talked to
on the phone today aren't you?
- I beg your pardon?
- God Damnit, you
promised me free ass
if I came down here.
- You must be the asshole that's
fucking his wife to death.
- Aw, who the fuck asked you?
- Fuck off.
- Hey, if we can
all just settle down
I'm sure we can get started.
Lou, why don't you talk
to the Smith brothers
while I console Pierre.
Pierre, would you like
to come into the office?
This way.
- Hey, just a minute now.
You promised me free ass.
- Well why don't you
talk to Miss Zombie,
I mean, Miss Zorby here.
- Shit, she doesn't even talk.
You better give
God damn good head.
- Pierre, why don't you
just have a seat right here.
Now, I know I can
solve your problem.
So two useless dicks huh?
Hey uh, your brother has a hard on
I don't believe it, let me
see it!
No you stay there until you
get it up!
Hey can't get it up huh?
Come on over here and
I'll let you see mine
That man is disgusting
At least he can get it up
Would you like me to go fuck
him instead?
What exactly is your problem Pierre,
I have had experience
I come too quick
The erection
You didn't say anything about me
fucking ya
Well you're not, not with this
soft dick
lost erection huh?
I can last two minutes
three minutes
That's what you call premature
shooter
Ejaculation
Yes I go one minute, I stop
Yes I go one minute, I stop
This is the only way I
can last longer
Control Pierre
C o n t r o l
No the doctor isn't in,
he is in I. on business
but he should be back tomorrow
could I be of some assistance?
Yes, yes
I understand
Yes go on
I see
Then don't do it
If it is not satisfactory, then
don't do it
Mrs. Shwartz
It's your duty to your husband
to see that he is happy in
his marriage
Yes
Yes I am still here
I am still listening
Hold on, I'll get a pen
Hold on, be right with you
You poor man
What's happened to you?
I'm looking
Yes I'm looking
Hold on Pierre, not now I don't
think I could ever explain this
to the phone company
I've got it
Ok now, what was the address again?
If our wives could see us now
They would see two stiff dicks,
those dyke freaks would be trying to
eat out everything in sight.
Your wife was never like this
You fucked my wife?
She was my girlfriend before she
was your wife
Did you say Riverside?
What?
Ok, I got it, goodbye
We should have never swapped
and got married
Your wife gave great head
My wife gave you head?
You filthy bastard!
I said goodbye
Ok Pierre let it go
- Hello? John.
(instrumental music)
- Ah, sorry folks, I'm
afraid you missed it.
- I told you to hurry.
- How was I to know?
- [Woman Standing] Don't
leave, don't leave yet.
- A horny bitch isn't she?
- And she blames me.
We're late because
she wanted a quickie
before we left the house.
- Lou, Lou hurry,
we've gotta go home.
John called, Patty's
at the house waiting.
- Who's Patty?
- My sister.
John phoned the house
and she answered.
He's never met her before.
Come on.
- Look, I promised you
decent cock tonight
and I'm gonna deliver.
- You can be so brutal.
- And you love it, bitch.
- Is he really that big?
(shoes clicking)
- [Penny] Patty.
Oh Patty, I'm so glad to
see you.
- Penny.
- [Penny] What is it?
What is it?
Patty, something's wrong.
Is it your hemorrhoids?
- Penny this is my
girlfriend, Glenda.
- How do you do Penny?
Patty's told me so much
about you and John.
- [Penny] Patty, you're blind.
Oh.
- As they say, like a bat.
- Penny, don't make a
spectacle of yourself.
Just relax please.
- When did it happen?
- Look, it's nothing
to worry about.
The doctors have assured
me that the condition
is just temporary.
And I'll regain my
sight just as soon
as I get over, as
soon as I get over...
- [Penny] Get over what?
- The shock, the sight of it.
- [Penny] Of what?
Patty, what did you see?
- She hates to talk about it.
It happened at the
supermarket just last week.
A flasher, right in the
fresh fruit section,
can you believe it?
A flasher.
Right in with the produce.
- Blinded by a flasher?
- It was so big.
- Men are disgusting.
- I was terrified.
- It was savage.
- Big as a salami.
- 14 inches.
- Where was the market?
- He was still soft.
- [Glenda] She's
lucky, she went blind
before he had an
erection or the condition
would've been permanent.
- Blinded by a flasher.
- I should've regained
my sight by now
but doctors said the
experience was just
so traumatic that I
can't seem to be able
to face it.
Do you have a drink?
- Sure, sure Patty.
I'll fix you a drink.
- Thank you.
- 14 inches long.
That was no flasher that
was a fucking horse.
- Look, I've got to help.
I've got to do something.
- Oh no, not again.
- It's my duty to my sister.
- What about your problem?
John's coming home tonight.
- (sighs) My sister is blind,
she'll be walking around
bumping into things
for the rest of her life.
She'll need a cane.
- I know Penny, but if medical
science can't do anything
what can we do?
(upbeat music)
- Got it.
I know it will work.
She'll see again.
(organ music)
- [Penny] Who's she?
- He said his wife ran
off with the Frenchman
so he picked her up and
brought her over here.
- Oh, okay.
- Penny, this really
isn't necessary.
- I'm setting a certain mood.
I want to try a
little experiment.
- Well, she can't see
a fucking thing anyway.
- It's the atmosphere
that counts.
I know what I'm doing
I've had experience.
Now Patty, as painful
as it might be for you
I want you to try to remember
exactly how it happened.
Relive the experience.
- I don't like this idea.
- I saw it on TV one time.
This girl had been raped--
- Jesus, will you
shut the fuck up.
This is serious.
- [Lou] I'm getting horny.
- My God, you're all sex crazed.
- [Patty] Shut up.
Now where was I?
Oh, okay.
- Tell us, tell us
what happened Patty.
- Okay, I'll try.
I'll try if you all just
keep quiet for a minute.
I'd gone to the store
to get some prunes.
- [Lou] Very tacky.
- Anyway, I turned the
corner and there he stood.
He was fingering the
cantaloupes, one at a time,
just fingering them, each one.
He was wearing a raincoat,
it was a London Fog I think.
He looked so sexy standing there
and then he rolled around...
And I just can't go on,
it's just too painful.
- Oh go on, you must tell us.
You can.
- All right, his back was
to me, he turned around,
and he ripped open his
raincoat, and there it was.
A real meat shot.
It hung halfway to his knees.
And I'll never see it again.
I'll never be able to
touch it, to see it rise.
- That's it.
You've got to feel one.
Then you'll get over the fear.
- Where are you going
to find a 14 inch dick?
- What is going on here?
- Shh, we're helping
Patty, she's gone blind.
- She fears the cock.
- Penny, I do not
understand what's going on.
- [Lou] Oh my God,
Glenda has a cock.
- [John] Penny, what
the hell are you doing?
- Uh, John, just
be quiet and watch.
- [Lou] This I gotta see
Hey no stop it
Hey no stop it, we are here to
help Patty let her try
Come on Patty, Patty
you've got to try
Faster, faster, I didn't know you
people were so depraved
Such animal lust
It's no use, it will never work
Of course not, that thing is too
small you need a donkey dick
A dildo?
John you will have to help
John?
John
You'll have to do this,
it's our only chance,
she'll never see again
Patty, feel it
Oh my god
Oh my god
John!
John, you're getting hard!
Lou look!
Johns getting a hard on
Penny I've got to try it,
it's my last chance
It's 20*20 or the cane!
John
You've got to try
Try Patty, try!
I can see!
I can see! It's a miracle
It's a miracle, it's a
fucking miracle
Now it's my turn!
My eye sight hasn't been
good either!
I'm so happy Patty
I'm so proud of you John
Our problems are solved
(people yelling)
Hard Soap Hard Soap was filmed
before a dead audience in
Cucamonga California
(Vinegar Syndrome theme)
(phone ringing)
- [Lou] Hello?
- [Penny] Lou?
- [Lou] Penny?
- [Penny] Lou, it laid
there, like a dead fish.
- [Lou] A real
flounder huh? (laughs)
- [Penny] It's not funny, Lou.
My husband can't get it
up and you wanna joke.
- [Penny] Oh all right,
I'll be right over.
(sighs)
(sighs)
- Look, no crotch.
- Lou, I'm eating.
- Fred loved 'em.
Honey, how many times
I gotta tell you
it's the tops you're
supposed to wear?
Gotta show 'em crotch.
With those tits small wonder
he can't get it up anyway.
Okay, okay I'll shut up.
- Tell me it's not me.
Comfort me.
- Well, it's not you.
- Good, glad to hear that.
He needs my help.
I've got to help him
solve his problem.
- Listen, your husbands
a doctor, a psychiatrist,
he can solve his own problems.
It's paranoid, freak-o's
like us that keep
him in business.
And you in cornflakes.
- Four nights in a row.
It just laid there, limp.
- Well Penny, he works
hard, he's tired.
- There's a solution.
I know it.
- Well I don't doubt
that but it's not kill
or cure time either.
- It's my sex life, my
marriage, I've got to solve it.
- Wanna borrow my panties?
- It's at the office, something's
going on at the office
that's causing this problem.
To cure you must understand
the nature of the problem.
- Well, why don't we
get clinical about it.
- [Penny] Lou,
are you my friend?
- Honey, we've been
friends since dirt.
- You've got to help me.
Please, go to the office.
He doesn't know you.
You've only lived
next door for a week.
- Can I finish my coffee first?
I'm vicious without it.
You think I should change?
- It's settled, you
go to the office.
- Penny, I don't know if I
should get involved in this.
- [Penny] I've got
it all planned.
They're all sickies down there.
They'll never know
the difference.
Not that you're
crazy or anything.
(mellow music)
- Dr. Holmes just phoned,
he'll be a little late.
So why don't you
wait in his office.
(upbeat music)
(page ripping)
(drawer slams)
- Do you want a glass of milk?
- No, I've got
some in the truck.
- But I've got plenty.
Oh, you have a whole truck full.
- I just don't know what to do.
- [Penny] I've had
experience, I can tell
it's not your fault.
- I just can't satisfy her.
- Look, maybe it's
the hours you keep.
Milkmen do get up early.
- No, that's not it.
I just can't satisfy her.
I'm a lousy lover.
- Can I be personal?
- [Milkman] Sure.
- Maybe it's your equipment.
I mean, maybe you're
just not large enough
in that department.
I mean, I could judge.
I could be fair about it,
where as she'd never tell you
for fear of hurting
your feelings.
Do you know what I mean?
- That's not it, I'm sure of it.
- See, I knew it.
You're backing away
from the problem.
- [Milkman] I'm not, I'm not.
- Yes, you are now stand up.
Stand up.
- That's not it.
- Come on, now look
I want you to know my
husband's a doctor.
We've discussed these
situations many times before.
I just want you to know
that I've had experience.
Relax, men are very sensitive
about the size of their organ.
Oh, the milk.
I didn't want it to get
spoiled by sitting out there
in the heat and all.
That's not it.
This is all wrong.
I shouldn't be doing this
I shouldn't be doing this is
definitively not the way to
solve your problem
Don't stop!
We won't, not until we have done our
best to solve your problem
It's the only way to know
for sure
Do me
- Hi, I didn't really
have an appointment
but I thought maybe if
you were free you could...
- Oh yes.
Well, ah...
Aww, oh you poor dear,
must be terrible, I mean,
terrible with a mask and all.
Here come here, sit down.
- Thank you.
- Believe me, I
know how you feel.
Believe me, I know
just how you feel.
Tell me about it.
- Well I can take the mask
off, it's just decoration.
- Oh no, no, no, it
would be too traumatic.
- No, really I just
didn't want anyone
to recognize me cause a lot
of crazy people come here.
- I know what you mean, believe
me, I know what you mean.
There's so many
of 'em out there.
You never know what
they're gonna say.
- Mm-hmm.
You have such a beautiful mouth.
- Oh, well, thank you.
Can't really see, you
know, the mask and all.
Just two little holes, and
two little eyes and a...
- So, you give head?
- Oh, only on Wednesdays
and by appointment only.
- Just what I thought.
The minute I saw you walk
through that door I said,
"There's a girl who gives
head and she's ashamed of it
so she wears a mask"
- I'm not ashamed of it.
- Yes, you are.
Listen, stay right here
I want you to give me head
What?
- Give me head
Oh God
You'll be cured
You can take off the mask
You'll never have to wear it again
Have faith, have faith!
You must have faith in me
It will be a long difficult cure
I can cure!
I can cure!
You are, you are.
Oh here, let me lay down
Oh yeah, here, oh yeah
I'm satisfied!
I'm satisfied!
Definitely being satisfied
The problem is not yours
Maybe a little longer?
If you want to be sure
Yeah, yes, yes
You are really quite good
I can't imagine what your wife
could be missing
Do you ever talk to her?
As your making love?
You're cured!
What is going on here?
I am Dr. Holmes,
this is my office
and I want to know what is going
on here
Well, suck a dick!
Do you think you will be finished
soon?
I am expecting someone
over
Oh my god!
I am glad I moved the milk
Oh no!
It's hit heart!
I think he is coming around
Coming yes, it's some kind
of a heart massage
Lou I don't think you should
be here when he wakes up
It could be a shock to
his heart
I'll be in the bedroom
I think it was your heart
You don't have anything
to worry about
I was completely satisfied
Try talking to your wife a little
more as you are making
love it might help.
It's a good feeling
I should hope so
To know that you
really helped someone
You're crazy,
you know you are crazy
You send me all the way down to your
husbands office to help you
with your problem
Then I come back here and you are
balling someguy to help
with his problem
What about your problem?
You know, people need my help
They have no one to turn to
They're using you
It's Willard
Now don't come in.
Who the fuck is Willard?
Willard is the newspaper boy
He is standing out there in front of
the window looking in
Don't let him see you
Oh dear the batteries are
almost dead
What the hell are you doing?
Willard thinks he is a voyeur
I am helping him get over
his problems with girls
Very shy you know
I really believed you when you
said you wanted to help people
you just like to get laid
Hey little creep, what you do
think you are doing?
I am collecting for the paper
Oh with your dick
hanging out huh?
No wait, hold it
Let me ask you something,
ever had a piece of ass?
Well I almost did once
Oh well yeah?
Well you are never going to get it
if you are standing in the
bushes jerking off
I'll tell you what,
you lay down
You lay down, and you are about to
get your first piece of ass
But!?
- Whats the matter?
But then I can't see through
the window
Oh you are really fucked
Oh you are really fucked
Oh brother
Take it easy, this isn't a
goddamn watermelon
Well you aren't going to get
very far with a limp dick
Alright, I'll get you up
Look at that
Think you can do it now
huh?
Can I?
Can I?
Can I?
Spit it out!
Can I come inside!?
Who said you could come creep?
Just keep humpin
- You perverted little bastard.
It's pimples for the
rest of your life
you little cock sucker.
- You know Lou, it's like
being trouble shooters.
- Trouble, yes but
what are we doing?
- We're solving
our problems Lou.
- Yeah, creating our problems.
First time I meet your
husband I'm giving head
to one of his patients.
I'm never gonna be
able to face him now.
- That's the first
problem we'll solve.
You and Fred are coming
to dinner tonight.
- Oh, I better go
do the laundry.
- Well there's no need to dress.
- No, you see Fred's outta
town and if I'm coming
to dinner I'm gonna
need a date right?
And I'm always getting
picked up at the Washerette.
- Doctor Holmes, what do ya do
when a fruit comes
to your office?
- Well, first of all and
most important I spray
them all over with insecticide
and then I just prune 'em
back a little bit. (laughs)
No, seriously, I never discuss
business from the office.
I mean, each individual
case is very confidential.
- Oh, that's a relief.
I mean, you know that
you can go to your office
and get help and not
worry about anyone
finding out about it.
Not that there's anything
wrong with it of course.
- That's very true, but
to further elaborate
on your question right
now I'm in the middle
of group therapy and I
try to allow the patient
to realize his or
her own problem.
And if it happens to be
homosexuality, then I feel
that discussing it, bringing
it out into the open,
in front of other patients
in group therapy, allows them
to alleviate a certain
feeling of guilt
that they may have about it.
- Mmm.
(phone rings)
- Oh, excuse me, be right back.
- So, you met Linda
Lou at the laundry?
- Excuse me.
She said it was by the dryers
Yeah I was just starting a load
Is that that place where the
machines carry the
eleven pound loads?
Do you use the powders or
the liquids?
Well, whatever
I always use the
liquids myself
You can pour them
on stains and it just works wonders
You can't make the powders stick on
the stains, know what I mean?
I have my own machine now
So much more convenient
Don't have to drag everything
up
drag it down to the launderette
and stand around waiting
You know?
Did a lot more reading
before I got my washer
Penny, do you... I'll be back in
a minute
You know you always meet
such interesting types there
People are so intriguing
Yeah I know what you mean
I like to study their faces as they
watch their clothes go around and
around in the dryers
The colors all sort of
blend together
Wine stains are terrible
to get out
Cotton isn't so bad
Do you always go to that
laundry?
No my wife usually takes
it to another place
What in the hell is going on here?
What were all those calls?
My receptionist, she is sick
and won't be coming in tomorrow
and I've got to go to Los
Angeles
Who is going to answer the
phones?
Penny?
I could do it
I'll run the office tomorrow
Ok, you run the office tomorrow
- Do you want me
to try some oral?
- Maybe tomorrow huh?
- But tomorrow you'll be
getting home late from L.A.
You won't feel like ...
- Penny, darling, listen
hey its late, I'm tired.
Maybe some other night.
- Are you dissatisfied with me?
- It's just work.
That's all, it's just work.
- I try.
Well, as long as
you're satisfied.
- I'm satisfied.
Go to sleep.
(Penny whines)
(upbeat music)
Hello, Mrs. Winegarden,
this is Dr. Holmes office.
The doctor asked if you could
reschedule your appointment
for 10:00 on Wednesday.
He won't be in today.
Okay, fine, thank you.
(phone rings)
Hello, Dr. Holmes office.
Lou, how are you?
You're at the laundry?
Lou, Lou, I don't think
that's such a good idea
after last night.
(phone rings)
Lou, what's the number there?
I'll call you right back okay?
(phone rings)
Okay, call you right back.
Hello, Dr. Holmes office.
Oh could I take a message
and have him call you?
Okay, thank you, good bye.
(phone rings)
Dr. Holmes--
Pardon me, no the doctor
isn't in the office today.
Perhaps I could help,
I've had experience.
Your husband is
fucking you to death?
Oh, I see, I mean I don't
really see, I understand.
And he's doing it now?
I see, I mean I understand.
He's doing it in your rectum?
Oh, I imagine it does.
And it's the third time today?
Oh dear, is Mr. Custer there?
I mean I know he's there,
could I speak to him?
Yes, I'll wait.
Hi, I'm Penny.
I was just wondering
that maybe if you
had some free time
tomorrow night you'd like
to attend one of our
group encounter sessions?
Yes, I know you'd enjoy it.
Yes, I'm sure they'll
be girls there.
You like the strange stuff?
I see, well, then I can
count on you being there?
III be looking forward to
meeting you too, goodbye.
(phone rings)
Oh.
Doctor Hol--
he isn't--
tomorrow afternoon?
What's your --
A double amputee and a midget?
Oh my God, how could you?
Oh I see, he's the
right height huh?
That's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
That's the most
disgusting thing I've ever
heard in my life.
You should see a doctor.
You enjoy that?
You paid?
Oh, you should see a doctor,
you should really see a doctor.
No, he does not
make house calls.
Hello, Lou?
Lou, this is Penny.
Lou, I'm going completely
out of my mind,
completely zonkers.
I need some release.
(slow music)
- Oh, hi.
You must be the janitor.
- I'm no janitor.
I'm a maintenance engineer.
I went to night school
to learn what I'm doing.
You understand that?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I know that your
position in life probably
doesn't offer but..
- My position?
Who the fuck do you
think you are lady, huh?
- Oh, well, um, I've just
been here for the day.
And I was just--
- You were just here for
the day and you're trying
to tell me what to do?
I mean, you even got a steady
job and you're claiming
you're better than me.
- Uh look--
- Shit.
It's all related.
Your attitude, your
position in life, it's all
related to your sexual drive.
- Sexual drive?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll show you
some sexual drive.
You're trying to say
you're better than me.
You trying to say
I'm not a man huh?
- [Penny] No. (screams)
- Come here, get down there.
Get down there.
Suck on this cunt
Suck on this you two bit cunt
Suck on that janitor dick
Sexual Drive
I am gonna fuck you till
you don't wanna fuck no more
Gonna fuck your ass right
off
I'll show you sexual drive
Come on, get your clothes off
Get your clothes off!
Come on, you are too slow
Lay back there now
You take off your panties
Rip them, come on!
Can't you do anything? Watch!
Now you wanna get fucked?
Huh?
I'll show you sexual drive
That's what you want? Isn't it?
Tell me, is that what you wanted?
You ever been fucked in the ass?
Have you ever? You wanna be?
You're gonna be
This janitor dick is gonna go
right up your ass
come on, I'll show you some
position, turn over
How do you like that
position?
Now lay there, you hear me?
Put your hands back here and spread
your ass
How's that feel?
Does it hurt?
I like it, no.
You want me to go deeper?
I can't hear you, you like it?
I like it
Is that what you wanted?
A janitor dick up your ass?
How's that for position huh?
I like it
I like it
- Huh, she likes it!
Fuck me!
Fuck my ass!
Fuck me!
Fuck my ass!
Come here!
- We should talk here, right?
No, he'll probably feel more
comfortable in the kitchen.
- Penny, he's coming
to comfort you.
He's gonna be comfortable
wherever you are.
- Do I look all right?
- He's not gonna
be looking at you.
(knocking at door)
- You get it.
(organ music)
- So nice of you to come father.
- It's my pleasure Mrs. Holmes.
Please call me Reverend Hope.
- You're not Catholic?
- No, universal church of life.
It's a common mistake.
- That explains it
then, you see, I called
the phone prayer people and
they referred me to you.
I felt like I needed
a more personal touch.
It's not that I have
anything against the work
they do on the phones but
well, I've had experience.
- I understand sister.
What is it that seems
to be troubling you?
- Well, my husband's
out of town, you see.
And he called to say
he wouldn't be coming
back home tonight and I
had this very terrible
And well, I just felt
like I needed somebody
to talk to, somebody
holy that could console
me in my time of trouble.
- What was the nature
of the experience?
- I don't exactly
know how to tell you
and you're being a
reverend and all.
- It was of a very
personal nature?
- It was sexual.
- And this took place
at your husband's office
while he was out of town?
- That's it, right, yeah.
He's out of town and I
was leaving the office
and I was accosted,
attacked by the janitor,
I mean the maintenance engineer.
- What did he do
when he attacked you?
- Terrible, it was terrible
the things he made me do.
- Could you be a
little more specific
about what took place?
- Rape, a little rape
and a little not rape.
- If you want to hear it straight
preacher, it's like this,
she got fucked silly by some
creepy, sadistic janitor
and she liked it.
And now she thinks
she's a masochist.
Simple enough?
- Perfectly clear.
Perfectly clear.
- I didn't know how to tell you.
I mean how do you
relate to this problem?
You don't engage in any--
- [Reverend]
Sister, I'm married.
- You don't know what a relief
it is to hear you say that.
I thought that if you'd never
done anything, well then,
you'd have no way to know.
- To help someone it is not
necessary to have experienced
the problem yourself.
But however, in my case
being married and gay
I can relate rather well
to your cock suckers,
buggerers, and scumbag
mother fuckers.
(Lou and reverend laughs)
- Oh my God.
Oh my God.
It's against the world.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
Get out, get out.
- [Reverend] I'm
sorry I didn't...
- [Reverend] It's all right--
- [Lou] It's okay,
I'll calm her down.
Thank you father.
(dramatic music)
- Penny?
- Oh, just a little
solace, a little comfort,
that's all I wanted.
We're gonna have
to see a doctor,
I'm gonna need
professional help.
A psychiatrist, oh God.
If John ever found out
it would break his heart.
He's very religious, you know.
- Honey, look just forget it.
Just forget about--
I mean forget it ever happened.
- I can't, I can't keep running
away from my problems Lou.
I'm getting no sex outta
my marriage, no release.
I'll end up turning to
other men, like today.
I'll end up a vegetable.
- Penny, it's only
been four days.
- I'll need professional
help, therapy.
We'll attend John's therapy
session tomorrow night.
- Okay, okay listen.
We'll do that and
everything will be fine.
But tonight, you
really need some rest.
I'm gonna take you home
with me because you really
shouldn't be alone okay?
All right?
(soft music)
Got that pole ready honey?
I wanted it all day long
Give me some head first
- Ok sweetheart
Wait a minute, I gave you head last
night why don't you give me
some head this time
What's the difference?
Honey, you give me head this time
Ok, we'll do 69
No I want head
Ok I will I will, just finish me
first
No fucking way, you
finish me
or you can forget it
Ok, I just wanted to make sure you
didn't have anything
against eating pussy
You're really strange
Honey, you ain't seen nothing
yet
Tomorrow night it's assholes
I would do it tonight, except my
girlfriend is asleep in
the living room
The problem is when I get my asshole
eaten out I start laughing
because I get the most
terrific urge to fart
Oh Jesus Christ
Don't tell me you've never
ate an asshole before
I've led a sheltered life
I guess so, you really
are a straight guy
Kinda nice meeting someone with
normal needs and interests
Lou
Alright, alright
Don't you worry about
a thing honey
All I have to do is stick my little
old finger up your little old ass
and that thing will pop right up
You really do have a tight ass
I always thought that had something
to do with hemorrhoids
Oh god Lou
Did I ever tell you about the time I
went to a costume party
dressed as a Hemorrhoid?
Stop it
Ok, ok
See, what did I tell ya? Success
Now you lay here
Because there is nothing like a nice
stiff dick to ease my mind
after a hard day
Who is it?
It's me Lou
Just a minute Penny
- Okay, come on in Penny.
- Lou, I'm sorry, I
was trying to sleep
and I heard your,
"Fuck me, fuck me"
and the pressures
and the tensions.
And I need some release.
I mean, I've been without
John for four nights,
four days and the
pressures killing me.
Do you know what I mean?
- Aw, you poor baby.
I know just how you feel.
You need some release time.
Oh God, here, you truly need
some release, so
you just lean over
the edge of the bed.
Fred?
We need your services dear
Do your thing
I hope you don't feel bad
or anything
its the pressure I am under
Oh hon, I understand perfectly
You just enjoy yourself ok?
Oh it's glorious
Oh it's glorious
Lou I don't know how to thank you
Honey don't worry, I hate to
see a good hard on go to waste
Lou it's working!
I can feel the tension flowing
out of me
- You don't know what
a relief that was.
It's like rehabilitation.
- Oh honey, I'm exhausted
just watching you.
- Well now I can get some sleep.
And you don't have
to worry about me,
I'll really sleep now boy.
Oh, go ahead, make all
the noise you want Lou.
Nothing will ever wake me now.
(Penny exhales deeply)
(flute music)
- You awake Lou? Fred?
That's okay, don't get
up, I'll come back later.
- [Lou] What is it Penny?
- The tension, they're
starting to build up again.
- Fred? Fred?
I don't think he's up for
it this morning Penny.
He's kinda straight you know?
- You know I never really
got the chance to thank him.
I was gonna invite him to
the therapy session tonight.
- Oh, honey, don't
worry about it.
The free lay is enough thanks.
And besides, it's
not a party you know.
- No, it's not.
I know it's not.
- All those troubled
people, depressing to see
so many fucked up people.
- Did you say, "fucked up?"
- Did I say that?
Did I say that?
It was a slip, it just
slipped right out.
I don't use those words.
(Lou laughs)
I can't believe this
is happening to me.
I'm losing control.
I'm losing my focus
on the problem, Lou.
I've got to help John with
his problem, that's it.
- We are helping John.
We're going to the
group encounter tonight.
Don't worry about it,
everything's gonna be all right.
Sucky Fucky.
(ethereal music)
- You act like this is some
silly game or something.
All this romantic nonsense.
Our wives have
left us, you idiot.
And they're gonna take
us to the cleaners.
- It's all your fault.
If we hadn't married two sisters
we wouldn't be in this mess.
They were dykes, lesbo
commie dykes, a disgrace.
Bankrupt business
and two limp dicks.
It's over, we're finished.
- It's our karma.
- Oh, karma's ass.
(ethereal music)
(man in wheelchair grunts)
(man in wheelchair
blows raspberry)
- [man in glasses] Up yours too,
get the fuck outta
here you spastic turd.
Hey, cunt.
How many cunts are in
this fucking room anyway?
Ay, you.
You look like a
nice cunt. (laughs)
You guys wanna see my cock?
Eh, what a bunch
of crazies in here.
Think I came here
to fucking beat off?
God damnit, get over here,
give me some fucking head.
What the f--
(dramatic music)
- Who the hell's
he supposed to be?
- [Man in white tank top]
He's Little Red Riding Hood.
- [Man in plaid shirt] Your ass.
Can he talk?
- [Man in white tank top] Nine
to five the wolf fucks her.
- Here we go, right up the ass.
- What the hell?
- That's Pierre, he has
a problem, you know?
- No shit.
- Put her down wolf,
fuck that little cunt.
[Man in plaid shirt] Come
on Little Red, get away,
you can do it.
Kick him in the balls.
Get up, come on.
- That schmuck's really
falling for it over there.
- He has a problem
with his bowels,
I hope he doesn't get upset.
- If he shits I'm leaving.
- Come on wolf, fuck her.
- Come on wolf, fuck
the shit outta her.
(woman gasps)
- This has gone far enough.
- Yay. (claps)
- Ohhhhhh.
- He didn't come yet.
He was gonna come any minute.
- Hello, I'm Penny Holmes.
The doctor's out of
town for the evening
and I'll be in charge of
the therapy session tonight.
- [Man in striped shirt] Boo.
- Hey, hey, hey,
hey wait a minute.
You're the cunt I talked to
on the phone today aren't you?
- I beg your pardon?
- God Damnit, you
promised me free ass
if I came down here.
- You must be the asshole that's
fucking his wife to death.
- Aw, who the fuck asked you?
- Fuck off.
- Hey, if we can
all just settle down
I'm sure we can get started.
Lou, why don't you talk
to the Smith brothers
while I console Pierre.
Pierre, would you like
to come into the office?
This way.
- Hey, just a minute now.
You promised me free ass.
- Well why don't you
talk to Miss Zombie,
I mean, Miss Zorby here.
- Shit, she doesn't even talk.
You better give
God damn good head.
- Pierre, why don't you
just have a seat right here.
Now, I know I can
solve your problem.
So two useless dicks huh?
Hey uh, your brother has a hard on
I don't believe it, let me
see it!
No you stay there until you
get it up!
Hey can't get it up huh?
Come on over here and
I'll let you see mine
That man is disgusting
At least he can get it up
Would you like me to go fuck
him instead?
What exactly is your problem Pierre,
I have had experience
I come too quick
The erection
You didn't say anything about me
fucking ya
Well you're not, not with this
soft dick
lost erection huh?
I can last two minutes
three minutes
That's what you call premature
shooter
Ejaculation
Yes I go one minute, I stop
Yes I go one minute, I stop
This is the only way I
can last longer
Control Pierre
C o n t r o l
No the doctor isn't in,
he is in I. on business
but he should be back tomorrow
could I be of some assistance?
Yes, yes
I understand
Yes go on
I see
Then don't do it
If it is not satisfactory, then
don't do it
Mrs. Shwartz
It's your duty to your husband
to see that he is happy in
his marriage
Yes
Yes I am still here
I am still listening
Hold on, I'll get a pen
Hold on, be right with you
You poor man
What's happened to you?
I'm looking
Yes I'm looking
Hold on Pierre, not now I don't
think I could ever explain this
to the phone company
I've got it
Ok now, what was the address again?
If our wives could see us now
They would see two stiff dicks,
those dyke freaks would be trying to
eat out everything in sight.
Your wife was never like this
You fucked my wife?
She was my girlfriend before she
was your wife
Did you say Riverside?
What?
Ok, I got it, goodbye
We should have never swapped
and got married
Your wife gave great head
My wife gave you head?
You filthy bastard!
I said goodbye
Ok Pierre let it go
- Hello? John.
(instrumental music)
- Ah, sorry folks, I'm
afraid you missed it.
- I told you to hurry.
- How was I to know?
- [Woman Standing] Don't
leave, don't leave yet.
- A horny bitch isn't she?
- And she blames me.
We're late because
she wanted a quickie
before we left the house.
- Lou, Lou hurry,
we've gotta go home.
John called, Patty's
at the house waiting.
- Who's Patty?
- My sister.
John phoned the house
and she answered.
He's never met her before.
Come on.
- Look, I promised you
decent cock tonight
and I'm gonna deliver.
- You can be so brutal.
- And you love it, bitch.
- Is he really that big?
(shoes clicking)
- [Penny] Patty.
Oh Patty, I'm so glad to
see you.
- Penny.
- [Penny] What is it?
What is it?
Patty, something's wrong.
Is it your hemorrhoids?
- Penny this is my
girlfriend, Glenda.
- How do you do Penny?
Patty's told me so much
about you and John.
- [Penny] Patty, you're blind.
Oh.
- As they say, like a bat.
- Penny, don't make a
spectacle of yourself.
Just relax please.
- When did it happen?
- Look, it's nothing
to worry about.
The doctors have assured
me that the condition
is just temporary.
And I'll regain my
sight just as soon
as I get over, as
soon as I get over...
- [Penny] Get over what?
- The shock, the sight of it.
- [Penny] Of what?
Patty, what did you see?
- She hates to talk about it.
It happened at the
supermarket just last week.
A flasher, right in the
fresh fruit section,
can you believe it?
A flasher.
Right in with the produce.
- Blinded by a flasher?
- It was so big.
- Men are disgusting.
- I was terrified.
- It was savage.
- Big as a salami.
- 14 inches.
- Where was the market?
- He was still soft.
- [Glenda] She's
lucky, she went blind
before he had an
erection or the condition
would've been permanent.
- Blinded by a flasher.
- I should've regained
my sight by now
but doctors said the
experience was just
so traumatic that I
can't seem to be able
to face it.
Do you have a drink?
- Sure, sure Patty.
I'll fix you a drink.
- Thank you.
- 14 inches long.
That was no flasher that
was a fucking horse.
- Look, I've got to help.
I've got to do something.
- Oh no, not again.
- It's my duty to my sister.
- What about your problem?
John's coming home tonight.
- (sighs) My sister is blind,
she'll be walking around
bumping into things
for the rest of her life.
She'll need a cane.
- I know Penny, but if medical
science can't do anything
what can we do?
(upbeat music)
- Got it.
I know it will work.
She'll see again.
(organ music)
- [Penny] Who's she?
- He said his wife ran
off with the Frenchman
so he picked her up and
brought her over here.
- Oh, okay.
- Penny, this really
isn't necessary.
- I'm setting a certain mood.
I want to try a
little experiment.
- Well, she can't see
a fucking thing anyway.
- It's the atmosphere
that counts.
I know what I'm doing
I've had experience.
Now Patty, as painful
as it might be for you
I want you to try to remember
exactly how it happened.
Relive the experience.
- I don't like this idea.
- I saw it on TV one time.
This girl had been raped--
- Jesus, will you
shut the fuck up.
This is serious.
- [Lou] I'm getting horny.
- My God, you're all sex crazed.
- [Patty] Shut up.
Now where was I?
Oh, okay.
- Tell us, tell us
what happened Patty.
- Okay, I'll try.
I'll try if you all just
keep quiet for a minute.
I'd gone to the store
to get some prunes.
- [Lou] Very tacky.
- Anyway, I turned the
corner and there he stood.
He was fingering the
cantaloupes, one at a time,
just fingering them, each one.
He was wearing a raincoat,
it was a London Fog I think.
He looked so sexy standing there
and then he rolled around...
And I just can't go on,
it's just too painful.
- Oh go on, you must tell us.
You can.
- All right, his back was
to me, he turned around,
and he ripped open his
raincoat, and there it was.
A real meat shot.
It hung halfway to his knees.
And I'll never see it again.
I'll never be able to
touch it, to see it rise.
- That's it.
You've got to feel one.
Then you'll get over the fear.
- Where are you going
to find a 14 inch dick?
- What is going on here?
- Shh, we're helping
Patty, she's gone blind.
- She fears the cock.
- Penny, I do not
understand what's going on.
- [Lou] Oh my God,
Glenda has a cock.
- [John] Penny, what
the hell are you doing?
- Uh, John, just
be quiet and watch.
- [Lou] This I gotta see
Hey no stop it
Hey no stop it, we are here to
help Patty let her try
Come on Patty, Patty
you've got to try
Faster, faster, I didn't know you
people were so depraved
Such animal lust
It's no use, it will never work
Of course not, that thing is too
small you need a donkey dick
A dildo?
John you will have to help
John?
John
You'll have to do this,
it's our only chance,
she'll never see again
Patty, feel it
Oh my god
Oh my god
John!
John, you're getting hard!
Lou look!
Johns getting a hard on
Penny I've got to try it,
it's my last chance
It's 20*20 or the cane!
John
You've got to try
Try Patty, try!
I can see!
I can see! It's a miracle
It's a miracle, it's a
fucking miracle
Now it's my turn!
My eye sight hasn't been
good either!
I'm so happy Patty
I'm so proud of you John
Our problems are solved
(people yelling)
Hard Soap Hard Soap was filmed
before a dead audience in
Cucamonga California
(Vinegar Syndrome theme)