Hard Feelings (2023) Movie Script

["Good Times Roll" playing]

♪ Let the good times roll ♪

♪ Let them knock you around ♪

♪ Let the good times roll... ♪

- [no audible dialogue]

- ♪ Let them make you a clown ♪

♪ Let them leave you up in the air ♪

♪ Let them brush your rock-'n'-roll hair ♪

♪ Let the good times roll... ♪

[chanting] Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

♪ Let the good times roll ♪

[laughs] I think you lost something.

Ha!

[chanting] Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

- Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

- [whistle blows]

- Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

- Setting down, okay? Quiet, please!

Very funny! Wrap it up!

[chanting] Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No...

[muffled] Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

[gentle guitar music playing]

[chanting] Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

- Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

- [whistle blows]

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

[gasping]

So, Charly, Were you able

to find your dick down there?

Constantin!

[students laughing]

Okay. Charly, come on. Come. Come on.

I lost my dick.

I mean, my goggles.

Yeah, I'll... I'll just go, uh... yeah.

Dry yourself off, okay?

Constantin!

♪ One touch, I'm feeling the buzz... ♪

HARD FEELINGS

God, please!

Why me?

God, this is so embarrassing!

You're really making

my life a living hell.

- [door opens]

- [boys laughing]

[boy] I know.

Honestly, did you guys

see him do the breaststroke?

[laughing]

Oh man.

Hey, hey. Consti, Basti.

[laughs]

Helicopter.

Dude, put that away before you

poke someone's eye out with it.

- [laughs]

- Fuck.

[boy] Hey, big dick, big responsibility.

Why are you making that face?

I heard things aren't all happy and breezy

between you and the school princess.

Oh, Marlene turned you down, huh?

Actually, Ziggy, I'm the one

who turned her down, just so you know.

[Basti] You know, he's just pissed

because Marlene didn't invite him

to her house party.

[Ziggy] Hey, Consti, chin up, man.

We've still got

the graduation dance coming up.

And if not, life fucks everyone.

- Have I ever told you how smart you are?

- I know.

[laughs]

[chuckles] Ah, you two are so gay.

[Ziggy] Yeah, it's not our fault

you only like pussy.

[Basti] You're missing out

on half the fun.

- Ready to go?

- [Ziggy] Let's go.

[boys laughing]

And what can you do, mini drone?

Oh no, my yogurt leaked all over.

[upbeat music playing]

[Constantin] Oh man,

you've gotta see this.

There he is.

[laughing]

INDOOR SWIMMING POOL

[phone buzzing]

- Hey.

- [horn honks]

- Same as always. My yogurt leaked again.

- [horn honks]

No, that's not a euphemism, I swear.

Yeah, ha ha.

- [horn honks]

- You're just a little bit weird.

[in Pig Latin]

Good to see you, best friend.

[in English] No one's listening.

Why are you doing that?

We've used Pig Latin since we were kids.

- Why ruin a lovely tradition?

- Mm.

Yeah, but still, aren't we

a little bit too old to talk in Pig Latin?

[Charly] Ugh, age is just a number.

[laughing]

Did you miss me?

Oh yeah, you have no idea.

- [engine starts]

- [chuckles]

["Movie Star" playing]

[horn honks]

♪ I feel the snap of the morning... ♪

Heard about your

big solo performance tomorrow.

Don't remind me.

It's an absolute nightmare, man.

If you really hate it, just drop out.

My mom thinks

my voice has exceptional tone

and the world

should have a chance to hear it.

Is that so?

- Maybe you belong in the choir.

- [scoffs]

- Charly, you don't have to sing.

- I can't break her heart.

Yeah, then I guess you're on your own.

Gee, thanks.

- Sing for me then.

- Why don't you sing?

I'm not in the one in the choir.

I'm not the one with an exceptional voice.

- Right, exceptional. Ha ha ha.

- [laughs]

[song ends]

- Have you studied for finals yet?

- [girl] Uh, no.

- Not yet. Why? Have you?

- [Charly] No, not yet.

When it's all done,

we should take your car and go.

- Okay, where to?

- We'll see.

- Want to come in?

- No, my league's waiting.

Oh, and Charly?

From virgin to virgin,

with no point of comparison,

- I'm completely sure that your dick is...

- Okay. Bye.

I wouldn't look at your phone

if you can manage to avoid it.

Bye.

[distant church bells ringing]

[woman] This fridge has five compartments.

The middle compartment cools

to between four and five degrees Celsius.

- There's a reason for that.

- [man] That's over-the-top. It's a fridge.

[woman] Charly? Charly, come here, please.

Mom, Dad,

it's been a really long day and...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Charly, where would you store

the yogurt if you had a choice?

- Where it's cold.

- Aha.

Aha. We're playing that game, are we?

If that's the case, at least put it

on the middle shelf, where it belongs.

Who cares which compartment?

It's cold in the whole fridge, right?

I care. Okay? [scoffs]

And why in the world would anybody

want to buy that much yogurt anyway?

Because they're on sale

and because I happen to like yogurt.

Do you know why they're on sale?

Because they're covered in mold.

All of these yogurts are now expired.

The use-by date is a guideline, Sabine,

because you know what yogurt

is usually made out of, don't you?

- Bacteria?

- Bacteria.

So if it's a few days old,

it's really not a problem.

No problem.

For you, it might not be.

It's me who has to sleep next to you

every night while you lie there and shart.

[man] Come on.

Now you're just exaggerating.

You want to take my yogurt away too?

[Sabine] You are lactose intolerant, Rudi.

[Rudi] Sabine, take everything else,

but leave my yogurt alone!

[woman] If your father were still alive,

he'd be so proud of you two.

Who takes after Dad more, me or Paula?

[woman] Mm, Paula. You take after me more.

Hi, hon. How was school?

[Paula] The usual. My league is waiting.

How come you kept them waiting so long?

- Is it 'cause of a boy?

- [Paula] None of your business.

Or is it because of a girl?

Ugh, Mom?

Mm.

Don't pressure your sister now, Phoebe.

- Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.

- [Paula] Mom!

[electronic voice] Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

- Oh God.

- Wow. Wow.

- [sighs]

- Wow.

[video game blasts and gunshots]

[computer chimes]

Yes! Good job there, Straight Shooter.

- [Straight Shooter] Oh, Paula?

- Yeah?

[Straight Shooter] Check your DMs.

I sent you a little surprise.

Although, it's not that little.

- [static crackles]

- Oh, ugh!

Why is everything always about sex?

Is it just because I'm a girl?

Don't they have

mothers and sisters, Charly?

Do they just go,

"Mom, would you pass me the salt, please?"

"And while you're at it,

what do you think of my dick pic?"

"Did it turn out really well?"

"I just wanted to get your expert opinion,

you know, as a woman and all."

[grunts] It pisses me off!

- Yeah, I totally get it.

- [Paula grunts]

That kind of stuff doesn't happen to guys.

I'm sorry, Paula.

[Paula] Yeah, if my dad was alive,

he would've kicked their asses. [scoffs]

[crickets chirping]

Thanks.

You'll be okay right?

No idea. I wish I had a do-over.

But once a video's on the Internet...

Charly - No Dick is here forever.

At least you're with me.

[creaking]

Did you hear that?

What?

[creaking]

Everything's so quiet all of a sudden.

[thunder crashes loudly]

[gasps]

[Charly panting]

- [Paula] Oh my God!

- [car alarms blare]

We just got hit by lightning!

That was so... What the freak?

- And we survived!

- [panting]

I saw it right in front of me! Ba-bam!

It was a sign.

So freaking lucky we didn't die!

It was just like, "Bam! We're alive!"

Oh, you're hyperventilating. You're okay.

- I'm okay.

- You're Okay.

- I'm okay.

- You're good. You're good.

- I'm good.

- You're okay.

I'm okay.

That was so weird.

Yeah.

[male voice] Charly. Wake up.

The early bird gets the worm.

And by worm, I mean me, obviously.

[chuckles]

Time to get up. I've been up for a while.

- Yeah?

- [male voice] Nothing?

God, this is really hard.

Whoa! [chuckles]

Hard. [laughs]

Get it? [laughs]

Here. Yoo-hoo!

Oh, at last.

It's me. Hi.

I would bow, but I feel a kind of stiff.

A little penis joke. [giggles]

Boo! You won't get rid of me that easy.

What's your problem?

You talk to me all the time.

The only difference is

now I finally can talk back.

- I'm talking to my penis.

- [Rudi] Hello, big guy.

Uh...

Were you talking to your penis just then?

What?

No.

Do you mind?

- Get out!

- Who's he talking to?

Uh, it wasn't his penis.

- I wasn't talking to my penis, Dad.

- Like I said.

Why are we talking about his penis?

Is he okay?

I think

I might've caught him masturbating.

[door slams]

I wasn't masturbating!

[Willy] Oh, believe me, we'd both

be a lot happier if you had been.

Oh, would doing that make you shut up?

[panting]

[gasps]

- Mom!

- Oh, you are masturbating.

- Please, out!

- [Sabine] Sorry.

[sighs]

- I just wanted to...

- Can you knock? Buzz off!

I was just wondering if, uh...

- For real?

- Um...

I was just wondering if you'd like, um,

a ride to school?

Dad, can I please have a minute?

Okay.

Hmm.

[sighs]

[Willy] 'Sup?

Fuck!

[Willy] I don't see your problem.

You finally have hand to hold

through all this.

- [Paula] Hey, you little asshole.

- Ah!

I was waiting for ages.

Sorry, I totally forgot.

You forgot? I always drive you to school.

[Willy] So, who's this then?

- Are you all right?

- [Willy] Hello, little itty bitty titties.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Then get off your bike,

stop avoiding me, and get in the car!

Don't worry. I'm really enjoying

the fresh air today. Thanks!

[action music playing]

[engine revving]

[Willy] Look! Itty bitty titties is back.

- Why are you being a weirdo?

- I'm a weirdo?

- You're driving a car on the bicycle path.

- We really need to talk.

- You all want me to talk today.

- What?

[Willy] Charly, talk to her.

You're the only one who can hear me...

[Charly] How many times

must I say shut up?

- Who are you talking to?

- Myself!

[Willy] Love it when you

get hot and bothered.

- Wait a minute. Are you talking to your...

- [Charly] Shortcut!

[tires and brakes screech]

- [Willy] Ah! Ah!

- See you later!

[Willy] Ah! This hurts me

as much as it hurts you, asshole.

- So what about her? Ah!

- What?

[Willy] If you sleep with her,

you'll be rid of me.

- Paula?

- [Willy] Yeah.

- Ah!

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[groans]

[Willy] Listen.

As soon as you've done it

for the first time, I'll be out of here.

- No.

- [Willy] Yes!

- No way!

- [Willy] Wait. What?

She's my best friend. My only friend.

I don't wanna risk losing her.

[Willy] All I hear is,

"Blah, blah, blah, blah."

[overlapping chatter]

[Willy] Okay, Charly. Let's start over.

Look around you.

Tell me what you see.

Notice anything?

I'm the only one chatting

with his genitals?

[Willy] There are worse things, right?

The thing is,

do you wanna be a boner loner?

The only one still holding onto

their V-card after high school? Huh?

- Is that what you want? Huh?

- Shut up now!

Hey, you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened to your bike, huh?

Did something break?

- Hmm.

- [hip-hop music playing]

[Willy] Come on. Oh, Charly, you animal.

Where have you been hiding her?

Oh, yeah. Put me in coach!

Oh God. She's looking right at us.

Time to release your little tiger.

Go on. Talk to her. Say something.

[in slow-mo] Good morning, Marlene.

♪ Jet-setting,

Flying so high above the weather ♪

♪ Big deal, so happy with life... ♪

[bell rings]

[Willy] Okay, we'll get the next one.

The important thing is, I'm here to stay.

- I'll take care of the bike.

- [bell rings]

Have a good day, yeah?

[upbeat drum music playing]

Charly.

[indistinct chatter]

Charly.

Can you stop ignoring me?

Hey, will you please listen?

Psst!

[whispers] Charly.

FOCUS

We're days away from your finals.

And no one here is going to fail.

Not on my watch.

I want you all to leave here

with the best prospects

and feeling proud of yourselves.

[Willy] Less Boring. More Fucking.

Let's focus and go over the material.

[Willy] Let's go over her materials.

The exam-relevant topics in biology are...

[Willy] Fucking, fucking, fucking!

- Quiet!

- [Willy] Fucking.

Charly, wanna share with the class?

I have to... to shit.

[students laugh]

- [door opens]

- Okay.

- [door closes]

- [together] No shaming.

- [Willy] Ugh, Charly, Charly, Charly.

- [rock music playing]

I sometimes think you

actually want to stay a virgin.

- That's it.

- [Willy] Huh?

Oh. [chuckles]

Whoa! [laughs]

Charly, you dirty dog, you.

[gasps] During class. Oh, yes.

Just... shut... your... mouth.

[moaning] Oh!

- [Charly moaning loudly]

- ♪ And if you ever tell me goodbye ♪

♪ I'll break down and you'll hear me cry ♪

♪ I need you ♪

Ah. Oh.

♪ More than anybody else

Has needed anyone before ♪

[Charly] Hello?

Hello?

[chuckles]

[Willy] Hello, there.

Oh.

I'm so happy to greet today

both our outgoing class

and the delegation we have visiting

from our partner school,

the Lycée Cousteau de Lyon.

Let's give them a warm welcome.

[Willy] Just relax.

Look, in the first row. Her. Yes. Yes.

- Mm. This is gonna be fun.

- Bienvenue.

In your honor, our school choir

has rehearsed a very special song,

which I think you'll all enjoy.

It's "Love Is All Around."

Mr. Pendergast.

WELCOME

[Willy] Just trust me, Coach.

It's my time to shine.

♪ I feel it in my fingers ♪

♪ I feel it in my toes ♪

♪ Love that's all around me ♪

♪ And so the feeling grows... ♪

[Willy] Charly, look.

Oh God, she wants you.

[choir] ♪ It's written on the wind ♪

♪ It's everywhere I go ♪

Oh yes. Yes.

[choir] ♪ So if you really love me ♪

♪ Come on and let it show ♪

[sighs]

- ♪ You know I love you, I always will ♪

- [Willy] Those lips. Those eyes.

- ♪ My mind's made up ♪

- [Willy] Imagine her naked.

♪ By the way that I feel... ♪

[Willy] Look at that. She's even smiling.

And I bet we could put a bigger smile

on her face. Ah!

[pitch drops] ♪ 'Cause on my love ♪

♪ You can depend ♪

[students laughing]

[boy] Look at his pants.

[students laughing]

[Willy] Hey! Hey! Hey, Charly!

What's wrong with you?

Where are you going?

I guess you can stop calling him

Charly - No Dick now.

You know, she's right.

[Charly] I'm done!

They call me No Dick my whole life,

and now that they can see I have a dick,

they make fun of me for that.

[Willy] But she smiled at you.

Why did you run off?

[Charly over speakers]

'Cause you've ruined my life, yet again.

[Willy] At least I stood up like a man.

What about you?

- I'm a nerd.

- Pendergast.

[Charly over speakers] I can't help it.

I'm just shy.

And it's the same thing every day.

- Pendergast.

- [Charly over speakers] Believe me.

I don't have it easy.

[students laughing]

I'm a loser!

I hate being the center of attention.

I... I can't figure out

how to talk to girls.

[volume increases]

And I'm horny all the time.

[students laughing]

[audio screeches]

[laughter continues]

Horny nerd got up onstage and got a boner.

- [girl] Oh my god. So embarrassing.

- And posting.

It's really not as terrible as you think.

No, it's catastrophic!

How can I show my face at school

when everyone thinks

I'm a pervert or something.

Oh my God, Charly.

Marlene posted a video,

and it's already gone viral.

- "Horny nerd..."

- Can we please not talk about it?

- No, take a look.

- Please!

Okay.

You okay? You feel pretty tense.

[Willy] Uh... ah...

And... your muscles have... have grown.

[Willy] Oh, believe me, baby.

They're not the only thing growing here.

Say something.

Wasn't there something you wanted to say?

Do... you...

want to sleep together?

[Willy] Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No. Nah.

- Nah?

- Nah.

- Yeah. Nah.

- Nah.

Yeah, nah.

No, 'cause that wouldn't be normal.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Nah, uh...

Would you please excuse me

for a moment? Sound good?

Yeah...

- Yeah.

- Mm. yeah.

[door opens, closes]

[Willy] What are you doing? Are you crazy?

[Paula] Oh my God! Oh my God!

- [Willy] That was the perfect opportunity!

- How?

She's my best friend.

She can't be my first time,

'cause I mean that's... that's incest!

"Your muscles have grown?" Seriously?

[female voice] Mm, strange.

I thought that usually works on men.

How can I look at him after that?

[female voice] Don't you think

you're overreacting?

Overreacting?

I've known her since kindergarten.

[Willy] That doesn't mean you're related!

So what's the plan?

Just go over there and say,

"Hey, sorry. My talking vagina wanted me

to ask if you wanted to have sex"?

[Hoo Ha] It's called a vulva, sweetie.

Who cares if he believes it?

I don't even believe it.

Why would she believe this?

[Willy] I'll settle for a hand job.

[Charly and Paula]

Oh, this is getting ridiculous!

Hey. I, um...

I have to go, sadly.

- [Charly] Yes.

- So I'll just... Okay, yeah.

[Charly] Uh...

- So, see you tomorrow... bro.

- Tomorrow.

- Bro.

- [chuckles]

Oh.

[Willy] Just do what I tell you,

and I promise your whole life will change.

What if I lose her because of it?

- I mean, she's all I've got.

- [Willy] So what?

At least you'd get

top-tier titties and premium pussy.

Stop. You don't get

to talk about Paula like that.

[Willy] Or what?

Or... or we don't have a deal.

[Willy] Deal?

Keep talking.

If you leave Paula out of it,

and I pass my finals,

I'll give it my best shot.

And I can't believe I'm saying this.

I will listen to my penis.

- [Willy] You won't regret this, Charly.

- I already do.

[Willy] Give me some skin, bro.

Oh! Not like that!

[Charly] Yeah, got it.

["Until Tomorrow" playing]

- Morning.

- [Sabine] Good morning, honey.

Where's Dad gone?

I don't know.

I guess he needed some alone time.

What are you up to?

- Swiping.

- [phone chimes]

- I can see that from here.

- There's food here for you.

Right. Um, I think I lost my appetite.

[Sabine] Hmm.

♪ I got a secret ♪

♪ I'm better if you stick around... ♪

[sighs]

♪ I never meant to let you go ♪

♪ A hundred ways I'm here to show ♪

♪ I'll put it off until tomorrow ♪

♪ It isn't like I'm feeling bad... ♪

[Charly] Dad!

- Hey, Dad!

- Hey, Charly.

Can we talk?

Yeah, okay.

I... I just have to finish up here.

Now, Dad.

What's going on?

Okay.

- What's going on with Mom then?

- [scoffs]

I haven't got a clue.

Then why are you here?

Mom needed to have some space,

so that's why I'm here.

So how's she doing?

She was on a dating app

when I left the house.

A dating app?

Oh.

- That's not good.

- Yeah, exactly, not good.

- How are things with you?

- Not good.

- Oh? What's up?

- It's complicated.

[slurping loudly]

Make a plan!

What kind of plan?

[Charly] Win her back somehow!

Invest in some fashionable underwear?

What do I know?

[overlapping chatter]

- What's going on?

- [girl] Hey, cool video.

Hey.

- [girl 2] Nice dick, my dude.

- [boy] There he is.

- Hey, will you make a TikTok with me?

- Yeah, let's make a TikTok, Charly.

[Charly] Leave me alone.

Hey, what's your problem?

You're like a hero, man.

- What?

- [boy 2] Look.

[Charly] I can't talk to girls.

And I'm horny all the time.

Let's face it. We've all had

embarrassing moments like these.

But, uh, how many of us

can say we were brave enough

to stand up for ourselves like that?

Whoever that guy is,

he should be an inspiration to us all.

I stand with Boner Boy.

[Willy] Look. You're a star.

Huh? I told ya!

You just gotta trust me.

Oh my God.

Amy Speaks mentioned your video.

[girl] Ten thousand reposts already.

You're TikTok famous.

And Charly's gone super viral,

but not how you wanted.

[indistinct chatter]

Charly has some potential.

[bell rings]

[overlapping chatter]

I have class. Sorry. I'm really sorry.

Hey, Charly. Listen up.

About last night,

I hope things aren't weird...

No, don't worry about it, really.

Later, broseph!

Broseph?

[overlapping chatter]

- [girl] Just one.

- [boy] Just one selfie.

I have lessons. I have lessons.

Sorry I have to get to...

- Here. I'll be quick.

- Just one selfie.

[cameras click]

- Thanks! You're the man!

- Thank you so much. [chuckles]

[Willy] Ooh la la.

Uh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Your name's Charly, non?

Yeah. Have we met?

They're all talking about you.

Oh, my name is Françoise,

and I don't know

my way around here too well.

So I thought maybe you'd take

me sightseeing? Tomorrow, perhaps?

[Willy] I'm blowing my load.

- No.

- [Willy] Not really, dumbass.

- No? Okay.

- [Willy] Okay, Charly!

- Too bad.

- [Willy] We can salvage this!

- Ask her to go out with you!

- Françoise.

What I actually meant was,

no, you can't ask me that

because I wanted to ask you out first.

[Willy] Oh God, you're such a boner loner.

- [chuckles]

- Oh, but it worked! Awesome!

- Okay.

- [Willy] Oui, oui, oui.

[bell rings]

[Hoo Ha] Boring.

Stop wasting our time. He had his chance.

Uh-huh, hello, boot-ay.

I could definitely work with that.

Nice.

Hey, wrong way.

Where are you going?

Anyone would thank their lucky stars

for the chance

to sleep with someone like you.

You just have to let them.

I don't want just anyone though.

[Hoo Ha] Paula,

fulfillment comes from getting filled.

Would you Leave me alone, please?

[Hoo Ha] Ah. This is about that guy.

Not a guy.

[Hoo Ha] Of course it is.

The guy you met on vacation two years ago.

[salsa music playing]

[Hoo Ha] He suddenly appeared

in front of you.

Costa. Him and his little Costa,

which was anything but little.

¿Cómo estás?

- Hi.

- You speak English?

Yeah, I, uh...

[Costa] We're having

a beach party tonight.

I'd love it if you'd come by later.

- Okay.

- We'll see you then.

Bye.

[Hoo Ha] That was the first time a guy

showed any interest in you.

And he was perfect

with his abs and buns of steel.

["Ritmo Sabroso" playing]

[cheering]

["Better Things" playing]

♪ Here's wishing you the bluest sky ♪

♪ And hoping something better

Comes tomorrow ♪

♪ Hoping all the verses rhyme... ♪

What's wrong?

[whimpers]

I was just thinking about my father.

This song reminds me of us.

Ugh, what... what's wrong with you?

Whatever, you feel weird down there.

♪ Hoping all the days ahead ♪

♪ Won't be as bitter

As the ones behind you ♪

[Hoo Ha] And you ignore me

because of that asshole?

That's not what it is.

[Hoo Ha] You think he was right.

Have you ever really looked at me?

[groans] Can we change

the subject, please?

[Hoo Ha] Uh-uh. Let's get back to basics

and do something that's long overdue.

[man] The Kama Sutra

is an ancient Indian text in Sanskrit

about sexuality, eroticism,

and emotional fulfillment.

Can I borrow your hand mirror?

[man] Exclusively an introduction

to the 36 sex positions...

- Wait. The Kama Sutra?

- [man] ...as a handbook...

[clicks]

Have you ever...

Duh. Of course not,

'cause I'm ten years old. [scoffs]

Right.

Going on a safari?

[adventurous music playing]

[Willy] Okay, you absolutely need

a new haircut for our date tomorrow.

- What's the matter with my haircut?

- [Willy] Not up there.

[Willy] A little penis tip:

the shorter the hair,

the bigger the bad boy.

Um... I'm not sure.

[Hoo Ha] Come on. Stop being so dramatic.

- Panties down.

- [groaning]

[Hoo Ha] Mirror, please.

[groaning]

- [Hoo Ha] Paula.

- Yeah?

[Hoo Ha] Ta-da!

And?

Well...

I mean, you're not exactly pretty.

- [Hoo Ha scoffs] Look who's talking.

- Hey now!

[Willy] What? Charly, are you serious?

You can't wear that.

I'm like your gift to Françoise.

So make sure I'm nicely wrapped, yeah?

Presentation matters.

Imagine how excited she'll be

when she unwraps me, huh?

Oh yeah.

[Willy chuckles] Oh yeah.

And now imagine how excited she'll be

when she unwraps me out of those.

Yeah.

[Willy] First shave. Then go shopping.

[Hoo Ha] Seriously, how many vulvas

have you seen in your life?

- Not many...

- [Hoo Ha] Uh-huh.

So you're no expert.

Yeah, I guess, but...

Did you just fill my head with 50 vagines?

[Hoo Ha] Thirty-eight.

And the plural of vagina is vaginas.

But anyway, those are vulvas.

Self-love, sweetie.

[Willy] Okay, real slow, yeah?

Pick me up, okay? Hold me gently. Good.

Okay. Extra careful now.

Um, why?

[Willy] Because...

- Just because!

- I'm careful.

What do you mean "just because"?

- [door opens]

- [Charly] Oh!

[Willy] The marbles!

Uh, is... is that my razor, hon?

Why don't you shave in the shower, Charly,

like everyone else?

[Willy] She's kidding.

They'll squeeze the life out of me.

Look at me, Mom! I need space.

They're too tight.

Enough with the distractions.

[sighs]

You know, your father and I

just grew apart. That's all.

I gave everything up

for you and your Dad, always.

Now it's time to focus on me.

[phone buzzing]

[Sabine] Oh. He sent me an eggplant.

- What?

- [Sabine] On the dating app.

How romantic, wanting

to get together and cook.

The eggplant is...

Oh, it's been ages since I've had

a nice fat, juicy eggplant.

[Willy laughs] Even your mom

gets more action than you do.

The poor guy's upset

I haven't answered yet.

Aw, look. The eggplant's crying now.

[Willy laughing]

It's been forever

since last time your father cried.

[Willy laughing]

- Oh, I like that pair.

- [Willy] No fucking way.

[woman moaning on video]

[Hoo Ha] Okay, and now touch me.

Okay.

[man and woman moaning on video]

[Hoo Ha] What the hell is that?

This is all made for men. Ugh. Typical.

It's not doing anything for me

in the least.

[Hoo Ha] Okay. Let's try this.

Close your eyes.

Give me a few details.

Who's the guy? Constantin?

- No, he was with Marlene, you know.

- [Hoo Ha] Forget about Marlene.

Date the most popular guy in school

and you can have anyone you like.

- Oldest trick in the book.

- Mm.

[Hoo Ha] Shower head, please.

- [water running]

- Oh.

[moaning] Ah.

Ah.

- Ah.

- [knob squeaks]

[water gurgles]

[Hoo Ha screaming]

I really need a long icicle.

[calm music playing]

[Hoo Ha] Oh my God.

There really is a heaven.

Come to Mama.

Oh, this is what we need.

Yes! Yes! Ye...

[gasps]

Uh, no idea what that is, but yes.

- Oh my God, we need that!

- No way! Who would even see that?

[Hoo Ha] Blah blah blah. Stop thinking.

I'm thinking for both of us now.

I need it!

I knew we were sex goddesses!

Just one thing,

the fabric's clinging to my lips.

One size up would be great, though.

I have to say, our tits look fantastic.

Yep, fine.

- Oh and, uh, thanks.

- [Hoo Ha] My pleasure and yours.

Hello?

[man grunts]

[Hoo Ha] Hmm. Why, hello, British Booty.

Ah, that's an excellent choice.

Would you like me to wrap that for you?

[Hoo Ha] No, thanks. Just put it in.

Ow, my vagina is numb.

I think they ripped something down there.

Is that what giving birth is like? Oh God.

Ugh, yeah.

Is that Paula?

Oh my God. What is she wearing?

[both laugh]

[both] What a slutbag.

[Hoo Ha] Okay, let's do this.

Get yourself comfortable.

Turn it on.

[buzzing]

[Hoo Ha] Get ready.

- And go.

- ["Being In Love" playing]`

♪ Only just got up ♪

♪ I feel so uninspired ♪

♪ I feel like giving up ♪

♪ I feel like somone has punched me

In the guts ♪

♪ But I kind of like it

'Cause it feels like being in love... ♪

[moaning] Ah!

♪ Being in love ♪

♪ Being in

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[Hoo Ha] Let's do that again.

[exhales]

Um, Amy Speaks. What's that about?

To be Honest, I have no clue.

It's been weird since the concert.

[Hoo Ha] Just start with a small kiss.

On the neck.

[Willy] I'm totally squished.

Going shopping with your mom

was a really bad move.

[Hoo Ha] He's touching himself.

Touch me too! Say something hot.

Well, at least they can't call you

Charly - No Dick.

- Yeah.

- [Hoo Ha] You call that hot?

Anyway...

I wanted to apologize to you for reacting

so weirdly when you asked if we...

- Oh, right. Pff.

- You know...

[Hoo Ha] No, not "pff."

- It's not that I don't want to.

- [Willy] We want to!

We don't have to talk about that.

[Hoo Ha and Willy] Exactly.

Let's just do it. Now, under the stars.

You're really important to me as a friend.

- Yeah.

- [Hoo Ha] No. Huh?

- Ditto.

- [Hoo Ha and Willy] What? Oh, come on!

[Willy] Man.

- Oh!

- [Hoo Ha groans] Oh man.

[crickets chirping]

Something's different about you.

Did you get a haircut

or change your makeup?

- No.

- I could swear something different.

Hmm.

["Wet Dream" playing]

- ♪ Beam me up ♪

- ♪ Count me in ♪

- ♪ Three, two, one ♪

♪ Let's begin ♪

- ♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go, here we go ♪

♪ I was in your wet dream ♪

♪ Driving in my car ♪

♪ Saw you at the side of the road ♪

♪ There's no one else around ♪

♪ You're touching yourself

Touching yourself ♪

♪ Touching your, touching yourself ♪

♪ Touching yourself ♪

♪ You said, "Baby, do you want..."

Cute.

[Paula] Girls.

It feels like a completely new world.

I came like five freaking times in a row.

Just over and over again.

You know how lucky we are?

♪ On DVD ♪

- ♪ Beam me up ♪

- ♪ Count me in ♪

- ♪ Three, two, one ♪

- ♪ Let's begin ♪

- [Marlene] What the fuck?

Told you. Now you get it?

I didn't want to say anything, but I mean,

she totally blew the sex shop guy.

[together] No shaming.

I admit, one time, I got a huge boner

from a pair of oranges that I saw one day.

They really looked like

the ones on my Spanish teacher.

Sometimes I get hard on the bus

because the seat vibrates.

I call it a bus boner.

Sometimes my dick gets hard

when the sun shines on it.

Sometimes I get...

Wait a minute.

Why is everything about penises?

It's just not funny when it's you.

I mean, sometimes I have to spend hours

just walking around here with a boner.

It feels like everyone

just stares at me all day.

To be honest, most of my erections

just kind of happen randomly.

Like, I'll just be sitting

in my grandpa's house,

where nothing is sexy,

and I just have a hard-on.

Sometimes,

it's just really weird like that.

Hey, Digger.

No one wants to hear about your boner.

[Willy] See what we started?

- You're an actual role model. You can...

- Hi, Charly.

- [Willy] Oh my God, Marlene!

- Marlene.

Um, well, I wanted to ask you.

I'm having a small party this weekend.

Yep, I heard. Everyone's talking about it.

[Marlene] Exactly.

It's gonna be totally awesome.

Marlene's into Charly.

Crazy. Who'd have thought?

Bull crap. The whole school's going.

- Oh right, you're not.

- [friends chuckle]

If you can, I'd love it

if you'd come by for a while.

- Yeah?

- Uh, yeah, for sure.

Okay, see you then.

[Willy] Uh, I could

just squeeze out a little tear.

Dude, I'm so proud of you, man.

Two hot toddies. You know what that means?

That I now have a big problem.

- [girl] Trying to make Constantin jealous?

- No way.

I think Charly's really cute.

Ew.

Hey, Dad.

- Do you just live here now?

- Sh.

- He's an eavesdropper.

- [Charly] What?

- The gardener. See?

- What?

- I have a problem, I think.

- Okay. Shoot.

This French exchange student

asked me to go out with her.

Doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Uh, excuse me? Do you mind?

It's a private talk. Yeah?

And?

The problem is

that the coolest girl at school

invited me to her house for a party.

Mm.

Do you like one girl more than the other?

No.

There's a simple answer there.

Bring the exchange student

to the party as your date.

Yeah, but, maybe...

I once went out with a girl

and her sister at the same time.

- That's what I'm saying.

- [gardener] He asked us for advice.

- He asked me for my advice. Me.

- That doesn't mean to have to yell at me.

- Who's yelling?

- You're getting aggressive.

I'm not being aggressive.

Well, maybe you should

get anger management therapy.

I don't think I need

that kind of therapy, man. No.

- You live in your office.

- [chuckles] What a butt load of bullshit.

We can see you.

- [Rudi] When?

- At night, when you dance.

You spy on me?

Yeah, me and, uh, Maggie from the kitchen,

Alexander, the trash guy.

All of us.

Hey, Paula.

[Hoo Ha gasps] Yay!

Okay, stay cool, sweetheart.

- Hi.

- Hi. [chuckles]

Um,

are you going to Marlene's party

this weekend?

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

- Yeah?

Um,

I thought it would be cool for us to go,

you know, together if you want.

[Hoo Ha] And we're wet.

- Uh, yeah. I'd like that a lot.

- Yeah?

- Okay, cool. Yeah, um, I'll be there.

- Okay. [chuckles]

Oh my God. What just happened?

[Hoo Ha]

We are so going to hit that later.

[percussive music playing]

Gonna tell us about that?

What?

I think she's cute.

Don't you?

[bell rings]

[knocking on door]

[woman] Yes, come in.

Hello.

[woman] Take a seat.

I'll be with you in a minute.

[clears throat]

[chair slowly squeaking]

Is it normal for you work so late?

Hmm?

Hmm? Yeah.

Yeah, lots to do.

Lots to do.

Even on weekends?

You do know that you are not allowed

to sleep in your office, right?

Oh yeah.

Good.

[pen clicks]

Phoebe, it's important. I need help.

Did you finally kill someone?

What? Of course I didn't do that.

[whispers] I have a date.

[suspenseful music playing]

- You look amazing, by the way.

- [Françoise] Oh, thanks.

I got bored and messed around.

Chic.

- All right, here we are.

- Here we are.

[rings doorbell]

- You ring the bell at your own house?

- Oh no, this isn't my house, uh...

Charly, you're here.

And you brought somebody. Terrific.

- Enchantée.

- I'm good. Come on in.

[Willy] Two girls fighting over us.

Two girls!

That's four tits, two vaginas,

four nipples, two tongues,

four lips, twenty toes, four kneecaps.

- [dog barking]

- Ah! Take cover!

[continues barking]

- Mr. Fluffles. He's a good boy.

- [Willy] I said take cover!

- [Willy] Find some other balls.

- You made a friend.

- [Willy] Help. Scat, shoo.

- [dog whimpers]

- [Willy] Oh, he heard me.

- [barking]

- [Marlene] Out, Mr. Fluffles.

- [Willy] Okay, that was close.

Uh-oh, we're losing her.

That's not good.

We have to keep her juices flowing.

- Ah bon? This is an interesting party.

- [Willy] Quick. Say something.

- Yeah.

- [Willy] Be a little more creative.

- Cool.

- [Willy] Ask her a question.

- You want a drink?

- [Willy] Not that question.

- Shots?

- [Willy] What?

- Join me?

- [Willy] Charly!

Hard liquor doesn't equal hard on.

- No, Charly! No, no, no, no, Charly!

- Okay.

[cheering, whooping]

♪ Don't need to justify ♪

♪ Don't think you can't deny ♪

♪ Don't need to second guess

What you know is right and say... ♪

[all whooping]

♪ Just say yeah ♪

♪ Just say yeah... ♪

[Hoo Ha] This is it.

The moment we've been waiting for.

[gasps] And his hand

is so close to your tit.

Looks like there's a new Marlene in town.

[Hoo Ha chuckles]

Everyone's looking at us!

Slutbag.

[Hoo Ha] That's right, bitch.

We look awesome.

Hi.

How's it going, Marlene?

Wanna get a drink?

Yep.

Let's go.

[Hoo Ha] Uh, Paula, focus.

Let her have that pony.

You're riding a mustang tonight.

Ew.

[dance music playing]

[Charly] Best day ever!

What?

I said...

- Hey, hey, hey.

- [Willy] Hey, hey, hey.

[chuckles]

[Charly and Willy] You have

the sexiest tits in the entire world.

Oh, thanks.

You look so damn good.

Where have you been all this time?

- [Hoo Ha] Ah, keep talking, baby.

- I'm right here.

Maybe you

just never looked closely enough.

- [Hoo Ha] Those lips!

- Well, to us.

[Hoo Ha] What can I say?

I'm so proud of you.

I couldn't have done it better myself.

Ah.

- [Hoo Ha] Well, hello.

- [chuckles]

Um, would you please go get us

another really good tequila drink?

I just need a sec.

- [Constantin] Whatever you want, my queen.

- Okay.

Charly, hi.

[Charly and Willy] Marlene, hi.

Hi!

Ladies, I have a big enough penis

for both of you.

[Charly chuckles]

[laughs]

[Willy] Yes, threesome!

[dance music playing]

♪ We're the originals ♪

♪ Originals... ♪

[Hoo Ha] Give me an S. Give me an E.

Give me an X. I want sex!

♪ We're the originals ♪

♪ Originals... ♪

[Hoo Ha] ♪ We are getting laid tonight

Tonight ♪

♪ We're going to fool around

All night, all night. ♪

Let's get some! [laughs]

[girls] Occupied.

She's seriously with Constantin.

At Marlene's party. She's insane.

What do you expect though?

The outfit? The sex shop?

[gasps] Paula has to be a hooker.

Sex worker.

Well, that would explain why she

went down on the sex store worker.

I bet Constantin is her appetizer.

Who knows how many blow jobs

she'll give tonight.

[girl] Double digits, at least.

[girl 2] How much do you think

she gets by the hour?

[girl] Double digits, max.

No shaming.

[girls laugh]

[ethereal pop music playing]

♪ Stuck on my mind

♪ Stuck on my mind ♪

♪ Like all the time... ♪

It's your fault they think I'm a tramp.

[Hoo Ha] Nonsense.

You're the star here tonight.

- Paula, there you are.

- [Hoo Ha] Mm, Mr. Nut Muffin.

- I think I'm gonna leave.

- [Hoo Ha] What?

What?

Was it something I said?

- [Hoo Ha] Don't back out now.

- I'm not gonna...

It's not... Um...

Oh. Hey, come on.

I don't want you to go home all emotional.

Let's go talk.

- Okay?

- Okay.

[Hoo Ha] Paula, it's happening.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- I don't think we should be in here.

- [Hoo Ha] Yes, we should.

Don't worry. It's okay.

- [Paula] Yeah?

- Yeah.

Let's sit down.

Uh, yeah, so, um

Will you tell me what's up?

I mean, you, uh...

[Paula] Mm.

Uh, I, uh...

I...

I have a kind of friend, who, uh...

[Hoo Ha] Team Vulva in the house! Bam!

...who, um, I happened...

I took her advice because I trusted her,

and now everyone thinks I'm this skanky...

[Hoo Ha] Mm. Come to Mama.

[Paula] No, I'm not that kind of girl.

I don't really do that.

But you're so hot. It's just so...

[Hoo Ha] This is what we dreamed about.

Lie back and enjoy.

[Constantin moans]

[Hoo Ha] Uh, okay.

Maybe he's a little out of practice.

Help him. What are you waiting for?

Oh, a mini weenie...

Uh...

uh, uh...

[moaning]

[Hoo Ha] For real?

My condolences.

Uh...

Shit, man!

Fuck! Ugh!

[grunts]

[Constantin sighs]

Are you okay?

Man, nothing is okay. It's...

Could you just keep this between us? It's...

it's really embarrassing.

Hey.

I...

I understand. Okay?

Rumors are shit.

Mm...

I promise you have nothing

to be worried about.

[Hoo Ha groans]

I was so sure that would work.

What? Don't look at me like that.

[sighs]

- [Basti] I didn't look too bad in it.

- [Ziggy laughing]

Were you in that bedroom?

Paula just came out of there.

Dude, barely at the party for ten minutes

and he's already gotten laid.

I didn't sleep with her.

- She wanted me to fuck her.

- Paula?

Uh-huh?

And she's really into doing anal.

So, Basti, looks like your reign is over.

Huh?

Yeah, there's a new anal queen in town.

I'm pretty impressed.

Bitch.

Yeah, I'm telling you.

She's a... sex addict.

It's... it's unreal, really. It's...

Hey, Mr. Fluffles. Hello. Hi.

Oh, you.

You're a good boy.

When I was up on that stage,

he just came on out

and said hello to the world.

Who am I to hold him back? Who?

- You're a total inspiration, brother.

- [Paula] Charly.

- Paula.

- [Willy] Hey, the itty titties.

This is my best friend.

- Françoise. Marlene, Klaus.

- [Paula] A word?

Robbie.

- What were you saying to him?

- [chuckles]

- Yeah, I think you've had enough now.

- Hey!

You don't have to be jealous.

- I've got enough here to go round.

- Yeah, I see that.

I don't need you. Let go.

You're just a training pussy, Paula.

Ah! [laughs]

[Hoo Ha] Training pussy?

[Charly] Whoo!

[Hoo Ha] What an asshole!

[crowd chanting] Charly! Charly!

Charly! Charly! Charly!

[cheering]

♪ Well, I guess

This is the showtime, honey ♪

♪ You know... ♪

[chanting] Boner Boy! Boner Boy!

Boner Boy!

Boner Boy! Boner Boy! Boner Boy!

♪ All we did was get high ♪

♪ Get high ♪

[music fades]

[meows]

[gentle music playing]

[groans]

[camera clicks]

Look how cute you look.

Last night was so special.

Did we...

All night.

Are you serious?

It was my first time and I forgot it?

[Willy] Yeah me too, bro.

The first time is supposed to be special,

and now I don't even...

Wait a minute.

- Hello?

- [Willy] Hi.

[sighs]

After my first time, I thought

you were supposed to buzz off.

[Willy] Charly, Charly, Charly.

If you don't remember,

how am I supposed to remember, huh?

But maybe she's in the mood

for a second round.

Then I'll buzz off. I promise.

- Hey.

- My parents are on their way.

You gotta go.

[Willy] Looks like the two of us

will be hanging out for a while longer.

Oh well.

["You'll Never Grow Old" playing]

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Uh, days without end ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ They came and they went ♪

- ♪ And Mondays as I... ♪

- [Sabine chuckles]

♪ Oh man... ♪

[man] Sabine, left foot on yellow.

♪ I just don't have a clue what to do ♪

♪ Oh no... ♪

What is happening in here?

Hi, honey.

[all] Hi.

Just a little gathering

with all my friends.

Ran on a little longer than expected.

♪ So close to see that it's really not ♪

♪ Do I have to spell it out for you? ♪

♪ Oh, you never learn ♪

♪ And you never grow old ♪

♪ Oh, tell me why ♪

♪ Have you never been told? ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ You gotta wait your turn ♪

♪ Meanwhile, I let the paper burn ♪

♪ And dreamers don't sleep at night... ♪

- Hey! Boner Boy.

- ♪ Oh man, you act like a child... ♪

- Animal!

- Respect.

Nice job, man. [chuckles]

♪ Oh, you never learn ♪

Charly, hi.

I'll See you at break, okay?

[Willy] Mm, mm, mm.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

I guess I have a girlfriend.

- It's official.

- [Willy] And not just any girlfriend.

The hottest girl in school.

I would never leave you hanging, dude.

[chuckles] A little penis joke.

Feels good to be loved, right?

Hey, Françoise.

Hello.

[Willy] Okay, no love from Françoise.

We can always give that another shot

if things don't work out with Marlene.

Or Paula. I forgot about her!

HEY, PAULA,

WHAT HAPPENED AT MARLENE'S PARTY?

[scoffs]

[girl] Oh, look. It's the school slut.

[overlapping chatter]

[boy] Hey, babe.

Do I know you?

Not yet. Wanna meet this guy?

Asshole!

Whoa!

[Hoo Ha] Girl, what's your problem?

We could've had him.

[boy] I fucked Paula last night for hours.

Really? You and the school slut?

[boy] Yeah, dude.

Constantin said she's a sex addict, man.

- [Hoo Ha] My God. We're sex celebrities.

- [boy] Did you know she loves anal?

- What have you been telling everyone?

- What?

Hey, get your paws off.

This jacket's luxury.

I could tell everyone

what really happened.

And who's gonna side

with the school slut?

- What?

- Yeah.

Who do you think they'll believe? Hmm?

Me, the popular boy at this school?

Or you?

[somber music playing]

[sighs]

[Hoo Ha] Hey, I don't get it.

Why is school slut a bad thing?

I think you're looking at this all wrong.

Hey, guys, did you know Paula

sells sex as a side gig?

[girl] As if.

Yeah. Her rate is like five euros an hour.

But she accepts credit cards too.

- [girl] You know she's a sex addict?

- [girl 2] Oh, ugh.

I hope we didn't use the same toilet.

That'd be gross.

[laughs]

Yikes.

[Hoo Ha] Oh my God.

I'd never thought of it like that.

We could actually make money with this!

CHEAP & EAGER

PAULA 01575 3262784

[sniffles]

[sighs]

[boy] Hey, cool, man.

[sighs] If it isn't the school slutbag?

[in Pig Latin] Charly, what are you doing?

Why are you behaving like a jerk?

[in English] Aw. What language were you

trying to use? Hobbitish?

Aren't we a bit too old

for Pig Latin, Paula?

[Hoo Ha gasps] Our first customer!

[boy groans]

["Better Things" playing]

♪ Here's wishing you the bluest sky... ♪

- [sighs]

- ♪ And hoping something better ♪

♪ Comes tomorrow ♪

♪ Hoping all the verses rhyme ♪

♪ And the very best of choruses too ♪

♪ Follow all the doubt and sadness ♪

♪ I know that better things

Are on the way ♪

- ♪ Here's hoping all the days ahead... ♪

- [knocking]

♪ Won't be as bitter

As the ones behind you... ♪

Hey, honey. Want to have some fun? Huh?

♪ And somehow happiness will find you ♪

♪ Forget what happened yesterday ♪

♪ I know that better things

Are on the way ♪

♪ It's really good to see you rocking out

And having fun ♪

♪ Living like you just begun ♪

♪ Accept your life and what it brings ♪

♪ I hope tomorrow ♪

♪ You'll find better things ♪

♪ I hope tomorrow

You'll find better things ♪

♪ Here's wishing the bluest sky ♪

♪ And hoping something better

Comes tomorrow ♪

♪ Hoping all the verses rhyme ♪

♪ And the very best of choruses too ♪

♪ Follow all the doubt and sadness ♪

♪ I know that better things

Are on the way ♪

♪ I know you've got

A lot of good things happening up ahead ♪

♪ The past is gone... ♪

HEY, FEEL LIKE A QUICK FUCK?

SO, DO YOU ALWAYS MOAN THAT LOUD?

SLUT.

♪ I know tomorrow

You'll find better things ♪

♪ I hope tomorrow

You'll find better things ♪

Not very nice what you said about Paula.

Spreading the rumor

that someone's a sex addict?

That's pretty childish, even for you.

Yeah, you know

you're not that much better.

Stringing along a guy like Charly,

who's clearly below your level

and who you clearly haven't

the slightest bit of interest in.

That was a bitch move, if you ask me.

Who says I'm not interested in him?

Charly's really nice, you know?

Unlike that slutty little tramp Paula.

Sheathe those claws, Marlene.

Charly's a little wuss, and you know it.

My goodness, Constantin.

I didn't think of you as a jealous man.

I'm not jealous of that fool.

Seriously?

He doesn't have your muscles,

I admit, but he makes me laugh.

Oh yeah, sure he does.

[gasps] But you know

what makes me laugh the hardest?

You lowering yourself to Paula,

of all people. So embarrassing.

Marlene, calm down.

I didn't think of you as a jealous woman.

Oh, I'm jealous.

- Of Paula.

- [chuckles]

Yeah. [scoffs]

Well, that's a good one.

Um,

Marlene, tell me.

Are you going to the dance?

You asking me to be your date?

Definitely. Do you accept or nah?

We'll see.

[indistinct chatter]

[bell rings]

Hey, babe.

Hi.

So, we've been together

for about two weeks...

[Willy] You haven't even given me any.

- Charly, I've told you again and again.

- [Willy] I'm about to explode!

I'm saving our next time

for after the dance.

- [Willy] But... why?

- Okay?

- Then we can sleep with each other.

- Wait. I didn't mean it like that.

I thought we might spend

some time together and talk.

- Talk? All we do is talk.

- [Willy] Too right. Blah, blah, blah.

- Walk with me, Charly.

- [Willy] More fucking, less talking!

- Wait. That's not what I meant by that.

- [Willy screams]

What I meant was,

I don't know you outside of class.

Like, who you are as a person.

I want to know what you care about,

what you like.

- I mean there are things that I like...

- Moon sign Gemini.

And I kid you not,

my ascendant is guess...

Aquarius,

meaning I'm a triple air sign.

So if my sun was in Libra,

right, I'd be emotional.

But I'm a Gemini, twins,

so I'm unemotional and dry.

So that's why I never get along

with Pisces. You know, fish?

I don't vibe with Pisces.

[Willy] And...

- Hmm.

- [Willy] ...I'm soft.

Hold on, I'm a Pisces.

[Marlene] Exactly.

[door closes]

[Hoo Ha] Listen. I really don't think

it's okay for you to ignore me.

Ooh, check out that ass. Paula. Paula!

Paula. Help me. Marlene hates fish.

Honestly, Charly,

I don't give a shit what Marlene eats.

[Charly] Paula, that's...

that's not what I meant. I meant...

["Little Black Submarine" playing]

♪ Pick you up, let you down ♪

♪ When I wanna go ♪

- ♪ To a place I can hide ♪

- [boy laughs]

[kissing sounds]

♪ You know me ♪

- ♪ I had plans ♪

- [Constantin] Stop.

- ♪ But they just disappeared ♪

- [Constantin] Let me just...

♪ To the back of my mind ♪

[Constantin chuckles]

♪ Oh, can it be? ♪

Paula.

♪ The voices calling me ♪

I wouldn't go in there.

♪ They get lost and out of time ♪

♪ I should've seen it glow ♪

♪ But everybody knows ♪

- ♪ That a broken heart... ♪

- [Constantin] Oh, you really turn me on.

You have no idea how long

I've waited for this moment.

We belong together, Marlene.

[Marlene] You know

I didn't sleep with him, right?

- [Constantin] Yeah.

- [Marlene] He just passed out in my bed.

["Little Black Submarine" continues]

["Don't Be Shy" playing]

♪ Don't be shy ♪

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by ♪

♪ Don't wear fear ♪

♪ Or nobody will know you're there ♪

♪ Just lift your head ♪

♪ And let your feelings out instead ♪

♪ And don't be shy ♪

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by ♪

♪ On by, on by ♪

♪ On by, on by, on by ♪

♪ On by, on by ♪

♪ You know love ♪

♪ Is better than a song ♪

♪ Love is where ♪

♪ All of us belong ♪

♪ So don't be shy ♪

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by... ♪

- People are talking.

- ♪ Don't wear fear... ♪

- You know how it is with rumors.

- ♪ Or nobody will know you're there... ♪

- Yeah.

- ♪ You're there, you're there... ♪

I understand.

♪ You're there, you're there, there ♪

- ♪ You're there, you're there... ♪

- I say, let them.

♪ You're there, you're there ♪

♪ No, don't be shy ♪

♪ Just let your feelings roll on by ♪

♪ On by, on by ♪

♪ Oh, on by, on by, on by ♪

♪ On by, on by... ♪

[Paula] Hi, this is Paula.

Please leave a message.

[door opens]

[Sabine] Hey, honey.

Hey.

So have you seen your dad lately, hon?

No, I haven't.

Oh.

Well, I was just thinking...

[sighs]

...I forgot what a drag dating is.

I do miss him.

He and I made such a good team.

[sighs]

How come you and Dad

are all that we talk about lately?

What about me? It's never about me.

Who's the child here?

- I'm not sure what you're asking.

- You know what?

- I dropped out of the choir.

- [gasps]

- I'm done!

- But you have such an amazing, angelic...

I hate my voice, Mom!

- Okay, I will agree to disagree on that.

- Out!

Please.

Yeah, sure.

You're right. I'm sorry to upset you.

I just wanted to wish you good luck

for your final exams tomorrow.

Hmm?

[door closes]

[ominous music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[woman] Your time is up.

So, time is up.

- Please finish your last sentence.

- Finish your last sentence, please.

Oh. Up, up.

Charly, you too.

Put your pen down. Down!

Down! Pen down!

Charly, you're finished. That's it.

Pen down. That's it!

[Pendergast groans]

["Got to Get Out of Here" playing]

♪ Gotta get out of here ♪

♪ A man who feels the space

Begins to need the wall ♪

♪ Gotta be others near ♪

♪ Maybe someone fills the space

Behind the fault ♪

♪ Maybe not at all ♪

♪ Baby, a man gets wise... ♪

[motorcycle revving]

♪ Running 'round in circles ♪

♪ He ain't got no choice ♪

♪ Only the fool survives ♪

♪ Running 'round in circles ♪

- ♪ Trying to make some noise... ♪

- [ship horn blaring]

♪ Got not choice ♪

♪ He's got no choice... ♪

[Willy] Hey, there's nothing to fuck here.

But I want to fuck.

You want to fuck. We want to fuck...

I don't wanna hear it. I said shut up!

[Willy] Okay, your five minutes are up,

but life goes on.

- So, where were we?

- [Charly] I want you to stop.

[Willy] Hey, whoa!

- Uh, Charly, everything okay?

- Yeah.

Except that my life's ruined

because of you.

[Willy] What are you planning to do?

Don't do anything stupid.

We're a team. Right, Coach?

- [Charly] Be quiet!

- [Willy] Drop the glass.

Come on, Charly. Charly!

- [Will screams]

- [Paula] Shut your mouth!

Just shut your mouth for once!

I told you to shut your mouth!

[Willy] Is it... Am I... off?

- [Paula] I can't do this anymore.

- Paula?

[Hoo Ha] Paula, be reasonable.

There's no one on this bridge

for us to fuck.

- This is nuts!

- Oh, nuts?

Says my talking vagina?

You ruined everything!

Everything in my life!

I can't look at my phone at all

without being reminded

of the disgusting rumors...

- [Hoo Ha] It's called a vulva.

- Just shut up.

Seriously! Shut up now!

[Charly] Who should shut up?

- [gasps]

- [bottle splashes]

[ship horn blares]

Paula, have you been talking

to your vagina?

- Vulva! It's a...

- [Hoo Ha] Yeah, idiot!

- It's called a vulva.

- [Hoo Ha] That's okay though.

And why does it matter to you?

- Because I get it.

- [Willy] Spit it out.

- I've been talking to my penis.

- [Willy] Yup.

- Yeah, just like all men.

- Mine answers.

[scoffs]

That sounds ridiculous.

[chuckles]

[tender music playing]

Why didn't you tell me until now?

Same reason you didn't tell me, I guess?

It's ridiculous.

Can you get down now, please?

Okay.

Mr. and Mrs. Perfect played us.

But do you know what the worst thing is?

Our genitals are speaking to us?

We're not friends anymore.

Paula, I'm really sorry.

Are you screwing with me right now?

I reject your apology.

- Hold on, I'm not the enemy.

- You're not?

- You called me a training pussy.

- What?

I was being completely torn to shreds

by the rumor wolves,

and you were too busy kissing your own ass

to notice I wasn't all right.

Everyone called me a slut for no reason

while you were doing

your thing and getting praised.

Paula, I didn't mean any disres...

Why are the people I love the most

never there when I need them the most?

["Soft & Hard" playing]

[Willy] What are you

looking at me like that for?

Shut the fuck up.

[Charly] I think I've lost my best friend.

[Rudi] Can't you just say you're sorry?

I think we're past the point

of saying we're sorry.

[Rudi] Hmm.

So all you can really do

right now, Charly,

is keep telling Paula

just how much she means to you

and how much you truly love her.

And what if that doesn't work out?

Then

you have to let her go, son.

♪ Blue eyes are all I see ♪

♪ Tender is how I feel ♪

♪ As I am walking away ♪

♪ Reaching ♪

♪ Grasping

Stretching myself too thin ♪

- ♪ Pushing and pulling... ♪

- Dad?

♪ Giving you everything... ♪

- Please don't give up.

- ♪ Break it off ♪

♪ Cut me loose and let me go ♪

♪ I've been soft and hard ♪

♪ Been in between ♪

♪ But you will never

Fall in love with me... ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ I know you tried ♪

♪ Gave it your time ♪

♪ But you will never... ♪

[Paula crying] Why is life so complicated?

[sniffles] And the only person

I want to talk to about everything...

[sniffles] ...is dead.

[crying]

I miss him like crazy.

♪ You will never fall in love with me... ♪

You know, Paula I never really knew Dad.

So I never really had to miss him...

♪ You will never fall in love with me... ♪

...'cause you were always here.

Paula,

you're the strongest person

that I've ever known.

And you might even be

the strongest in the world.

♪ You will never fall in love with me ♪

I love you, Phoeb.

I love you too.

[Paula] I can't breathe.

[birds chirping]

[Paula] What in the...

Jackass.

- Yes, you're right. I behaved like a jerk.

- A massive jerk.

- [Willy] She makes that sound bad.

- That's true.

I... I wish I had a wand

I could wave to undo it.

I... I mean, they played both of us.

- Someone's going to pay.

- You don't believe that.

Why not?

People like Constantin and Marlene

never pay in the end.

The rumors aren't true, you know.

I saw him with his pants off.

[Hoo Ha laughs] Mini weenie.

[Willy] What?

She's had more action that we have?

I have an idea.

For the graduation dance tomorrow.

I'm really gonna need

your help, though, to pull it off.

Will you go with me?

Okay.

I'll help you.

But I'm not going

as your date to the dance. Not officially.

[somber music playing]

After all of this, we're so done.

- Paula, please.

- We have a deal?

We have a deal.

- [Willy] Whoa, that's really hard.

- [sighs]

[Willy chuckles] Unlike me.

Ha. Ha ha.

[upbeat drum music playing]

[sighs] Now we can head in.

♪ Oh yeah... ♪

[Charly] Paula, wait!

[bat clatters]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ One, two, three, oh yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ One, two, three... ♪

Okay, what's the plan?

[in Pig Latin] We're going to...

- [in English] Charly, I swear if you...

- Okay!

- We're making Constantin pay.

- Good. And Marlene?

She'll never get over it.

Tonight means everything to her.

- [Paula] Good!

- Oh.

["Million Dollar Life" playing]

How are we going to do this?

It's really simple. We find Françoise

and you convince her to help.

Oh, so that's

what you need me for, Charly?

That's not what I said.

She won't give you the time of day,

but she'll talk to me.

- Hey, I just thought if you...

- Fucking talk to her yourself, Charly.

- I'm not fixing your mess!

- All right!

All right!

Any day.

Wait a second.

- Just go talk.

- I'll talk when I'm ready, all right?

- Ready.

- [groans]

♪ We're doing what we like ♪

♪ We let our colors fly ♪

♪ We're doing what we like ♪

♪ We don't appologize ♪

♪ We're doing... ♪

[mellow music playing]

There she is.

And... well, do you think I could bring

two of my friends with us?

Hola, Françoise.

Like, uh, Fabienne? You met her last week.

She was the one with long, blond hair.

You know what?

I think she has a crush

on Marko or Markus. [laughs]

He's a little devil though. [laughs]

Hi, Françoise. So Sorry.

- Oh, your outfit. C'est chouette.

- Thanks.

Oh, um, I catch up with you

in a bit, okay?

[chuckles]

Listen, I know he doesn't deserve it,

but I could really use a favor.

Okay.

What can I do?

Well, first of all, this little prick

wants to apologize to you.

[chair squeaking]

Yes, um, Françoise.

I'm so incredibly sorry about it all,

and I really wish I knew what happened,

but I don't remember.

Um, yeah,

I know that sounds like an excuse,

but I totally blacked out

at Marlene's party that night.

Yeah. Makes you wish you were into girls.

[chuckles]

Did I ever say I wasn't?

Nah.

You really don't recall?

D'accord. Alors...

Everything was fine at first.

We had a lot of fun. We danced, drank.

But then...

[dance music playing]

Come, Charly.

Françoise, don't worry.

When I get back, it's your turn.

[Willy] Yeah, Charly. Two babes.

[Françoise] Yes.

I never even said

I wanted to sleep with you.

I'm so sorry. Really.

I... I don't usually drink a ton of alcohol,

and I was totally wasted that night.

He's been asking his dick for advice.

- All guys do that.

- Mm, yeah, but with this one...

Paula, I... I think that we got it.

Okay.

What do you say we teach

a lesson to an asshole

who's an asshole when he's sober?

I'm in.

♪ Dance in the dark ♪

♪ Da, dance in the dark ♪

♪ Party with your... ♪

Bonsoir.

♪ Da, dance with the dark ♪

♪ Da, dance in the dark ♪

♪ Everybody's scared

So dance in the dark ♪

♪ Make, make it an art

Da, dance in the dark ♪

♪ Party with your fears

Da, dance in the dark ♪

- ♪ Da, dance with the dark... ♪

- Go for it, baby.

- ♪ Da, dance in the dark ♪

- [unzips]

Oh, quelle petite.

[cheering]

[crowd clamors]

- [music stops]

- [overlapping chatter]

[girl] His dick's really tiny!

- [girl 2] Whoa!

- [crowd laughing]

[chanting] Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick! Consti - No Dick!

- Consti - No Dick!

- Oh my God. I feel like shit.

- We're just as bad as them.

- [chanting] Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

- [boy] Consti - No Dick!

- [Willy] Ah! Free at last.

Hey, fans, it's me.

We'll get a selfie later. Hey, Françoise.

You're an asshole,

but even an asshole doesn't deserve this.

And neither does Paula.

No more shaming!

[crowd gasps]

[Hoo Ha] Look at me.

[gasps]

[Hoo Ha] Kneel before Princess Pussy/!

What's the point of this bullying?

Why don't we show each other respect...

regardless of our genitals?

We all have insecurities.

We're all the same in the end.

We are who we are.

No more shaming.

- No more shaming.

- [girl] No more shaming.

- [boy] No more shaming.

Vive les parties génitales!

- No more shaming!

- Yeah, man.

No more shaming!

- [all cheering]

- No more shaming!

[chanting] No more shaming!

No more shaming!

I'm totally getting fired for this.

[students]

No more shaming! No more shaming!

No more shaming!

[woman] Mr. Pendergast.

No.

[students] No more shaming!

No more shaming!

No more shaming! No more shaming!

- [triumphant dance music playing]

- [cheering]

Whoo!

Yeah!

[chuckles]

♪ Get on the floor ♪

♪ I'm not invisible ♪

♪ My boss is cynical ♪

♪ Don't want to spend my life

Waiting till the week is over ♪

♪ I may be crazy, belle ♪

♪ So call me what you will... ♪

Charly.

Hi, Miss Voigt.

Say, what exactly happened

with your exams?

Uh, it's complicated.

Have you heard this?

A wise man once said,

"Don't let your schooling

interfere with your education."

Oh, wow. That really is quite wise.

Well, did you know

that an even wiser woman once said,

"I'll see you next year, kid"?

Hey, guys!

I, um...

I... I mean, I've never felt so free.

That's great. I'm so glad.

- Oh my God. I forgot.

- What?

Somebody knocked

the lights out on your bike.

- [Constantin] Oh.

- [bat clatters]

Oh God.

Uh, you said lights, I think,

but only one is broken.

- Huh. That's right.

- [shatters]

- [Charly and Françoise gasp]

- That one was for calling me a slut.

[Constantin] Wha...

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Uh...

It's over, Constantin.

Betrayal.

- Marlene. Wait!

- Asshole.

Mm. Mm.

Don't touch me like that! You fat ass!

[gasps]

I didn't want to say anything,

but you've really put on weight.

- Yeah, and you stink.

- [gasps]

You know what? Your giant feet are

way too big for your little body.

Plus, we hate Mr. Fluffles.

He has aggression problems.

Hmm.

No shaming!

Mr. Fluffles does not have

aggression problems!

- Did you seriously give me the finger?

- Marlene, wait.

She fell into my lap. It was an accident.

Marlene.

So you are definitely

the coolest students here.

To be honest, I only did this exchange

program to have a little bit of fun.

If you guys are interested,

I would be up for a ménage à trois.

- Hmm?

- [bat clatters on ground]

I think I'm saving myself

for a special girl.

Uh, thanks. We'll get back to you on that.

Okay, my offer stands.

Call anytime. See you.

[Willy] What they hell was that?

Is everyone deaf? Charly, come on.

Um...

so you've moved on to someone new?

Actually, I've known her for a while.

But I screwed it up. I was an idiot.

[Willy] Quick! Françoise is over there.

We can catch up with her.

[Hoo Ha] Okay, I think we nailed it.

Let's go to the after-party.

I see.

I guess we're done here.

I, um...

I guess so.

[tender music playing]

Sure.

It was an honor to get to be

your best friend for all these years.

Okay. Bye.

["Soft & Hard" playing]

- [Willy] I don't believe it.

- [Hoo Ha] For real?

- [Willy] Is this finally it?

- [Hoo Ha] Oh my God. Oh my God.

- [Willy] I think...

- [Hoo Ha] More games.

- [Willy] No, I think this is really it.

- [Hoo Ha] Okay, we're doing it.

- Help him. Come on.

- [Willy] Yes, come on.

- Sorry, hold on.

- [Willy] Let's get started.

- Okay, wait...

- [Willy] Dreams Coming true.

- [Hoo Ha] It's happening!

- [Willy] Come on.

- [Hoo Ha] You got this. You got this.

- [Willy] Ah?

[Willy and Hoo Ha] Yes!

10 SECONDS LATER

Oh, wow.

[laughs]

Yeah, um, wow.

Sorry that I, uh...

It's okay.

- You didn't?

- No, uh...

Oh.

Uh...

One more?

11 SECONDS LATER

[moaning] Ah, dude!

Wha... Wow.

Yeah, was that better?

That was, um, good.

You still didn't?

Nah...

Huh.

I know exactly what I want, though.

[sighs]

Do you hear that?

What?

Exactly.

["Soft & Hard" playing]

[sighs]

♪ Maybe you fooled yourself ♪

♪ Maybe you couldn't tell ♪

♪ But I think you know that I'm right ♪

♪ Fading out of your sight ♪

♪ Let go over time ♪

♪ Starting... ♪

- Good morning.

- Morning.

♪ Reaching, grasping ♪

♪ Stretching myself too thin ♪

♪ Pushing, pulling... ♪

- [Paula] Okay.

- ♪ Giving you everything... ♪

[Charly] Okay.

- [Paula] So I'll come pick you up.

- [Charly] Sounds good.

- [Paula] See you later.

- [Charly] Later.

♪ I've been soft and hard ♪

♪ Been in between ♪

♪ But you will never

Fall in love with me ♪

♪ I know you tried... ♪

- Okay, let it out. [laughs]

- [Phoebe] Yes.

♪ But you will never

Fall in love with me... ♪

Yeah.

Haven't been this nervous in a while.

My last date was 20 years ago.

I hope I can do it.

A lot's changed over the last few years.

I mean, you used to have to wait

until the third date for a kiss.

Let's see. Maybe today,

I can let the little tiger out.

- Not the little tiger, Dad. Please.

- But I shouldn't give up on myself.

- No, I said you shouldn't give up on Mom.

- [knocking]

Oh God. I'm sweating like a pig.

- Um, do I look all right?

- Dad.

Are you sure you wanna

go through with this?

[sighs] Yeah.

This is a good thing.

[door opens]

[Rudi] Oh, hello.

My name is Rudi.

Mm, you're even prettier in person

than you are in your profile picture.

Beautiful hair.

And lovely long legs, like me. [chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

It's Mom!

Oh.

Your profile didn't mention you had kids.

Mm, well, I didn't wanna risk

scaring you off right from the jump.

The plan was

first let's see how the date goes,

and then I'd break it to you gently.

Very funny.

Charly, don't wait up for us.

[Sabine] So, where are we going?

I have a reservation at a nice restaurant

pretty far out of town.

- Oh, really?

- Mm-hmm.

Because I've been thinking of trying

that yogurt place by the park.

Oh, I love yogurt.

Hopefully they have eggplant there, right?

Eggplant, you say?

Meow. [snarls]

[gentle music playing]

[car engine starts]

[gentle music continues]

All right, I'm ready.

How far is the drive?

Don't know.

[Willy on radio]

And we're back with the weather.

There's a definite chance

of a hard front coming in.

[Hoo Ha] Yes, it'll be quite wet

the next few days.

[Willy] Did I mention the hard front?

[Hoo Ha] And did I mention just how wet

it's going to get? Like, really wet.

[Willy and Hoo Ha] Did you miss us?

[both scream]

FOR BERNIE

- ["I Need You" playing]

- ♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need you

More than birds need the sky ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ It's true, little girl ♪

♪ That you can lift these tears

From my eyes ♪

♪ But if you ever tell me goodbye ♪

♪ I'll break down and you'll hear me cry ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ More than anybody else

Has needed anyone before ♪

["I Like It, I Like It" playing]

♪ Uh ♪

♪ I got one thing on my mind ♪

♪ Too late, I just crossed the line ♪

♪ But I'm feeling good and looking fine ♪

♪ Hell yeah, that's right ♪

♪ I don't need to contemplate ♪

♪ Trust me, I'll make no mistake ♪

♪ I can barely concentrate

I'm not gonna fight ♪

♪ Six, seven, wait ♪

♪ Can't stop till I get enough ♪

♪ One touch, I'm feeling the buzz ♪

♪ That shit gives me such a rush ♪

- ♪ I'll never, ever give it up ♪

- ♪ Wow ♪

♪ Can't stop till I get enough ♪

♪ One touch, I'm miles above ♪

♪ Must've been bit by the bug ♪

♪ It's got me crushing hard because ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

- ♪ I like it ♪

- ♪ Wow ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ Yeah, I like it ♪

- ♪ I like it ♪

- ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Satisfy my appetite ♪

♪ Mix it up, it's just my type ♪

♪ Give me leather and the electrolytes ♪

♪ Hell yeah, that's right ♪

♪ Little bit of bad, that's what I want ♪

♪ Little bit of sass with the magic wand ♪

♪ It's enough to make me crash

On my front lawn ♪

♪ Hoo, girl! ♪

♪ Can't stop till I get enough ♪

♪ One touch, I'm feeling the buzz ♪

♪ That shit gives me such a rush ♪

- ♪ I'll never, ever give it up ♪

- ♪ Wow ♪

♪ Can't stop till I get enough ♪

♪ One touch, I'm miles above ♪

♪ Must've been bit by the bug ♪

♪ It's got me crushing hard because ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ I, I, I, I, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ Yeah, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ Don't slow down ♪

♪ Just let loose ♪

♪ I'm thirsty ♪

♪ For that juice ♪

♪ Don't slow down ♪

♪ Just let loose ♪

♪ I'm thirsty ♪

♪ For that juice ♪

♪ Don't slow down ♪

♪ Just let loose ♪

♪ I'm thirsty ♪

♪ For that juice ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ I, I, I like it ♪

♪ Yeah, I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪

[upbeat music playing]

[rock music playing]

[acoustic guitar music playing]

[upbeat percussive music playing]

HARD FEELINGS

Hard Feelings (2023) - full transcript