Happy, Texas (1999) - full transcript

Two escaped convicts arrive in the town of Happy, Texas, where they are mistaken for a gay couple who is to host the town's Little Miss Fresh Squeezed beauty pageant. Enjoying the celebrity and using their skill as con-men, the two adopt their persona to take on the task. Of course, as the two are heterosexual, their interest in the involved ladies intensifies. Ally Walker is a banker, who is distrustful of men and has given up on love. Illeana Douglas plays the dowdy, badly dressed teacher.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

Hey. Why did the armadillo
cross the road ?

Why ?
It didn't. See.

Can't someone else
be on bag for a while ?

Excuse me.
Wanna be the bag guy ?

Did I say you could speak to me ?
Oh, sorry.

When you move up
to committing real crimes...

then you can speak to the men.
Put it in the bag.

Hey, wait. Are you gonna just
stand there like some coward...

and let him talk to you
like that ?

Hey, goat boy.
The same goes for you.

Now you two damn amateurs
stay in your own yard...

or else I'll chain you there.

Goat boy ?

Oh, you gonna
get you some now, boy.

Well, then
the light is green.

Guard !

I have stood upon the mountain
I have seen the other side

As soon as we get you boys
back to lockup, this is gonna mean...

a week in the hole
for each of you.

Goat boy
you fight like a girl.

Seen my love forsaken
Felt the pleasure and the pain

The light is green.
No, no, no !

Knock it off, goddam it !

I have cried in tears
of sadness

I have cried in tears of joy

I have found a life
worth livin'

From the peace
within the noise

I have turned my back on hatred
lyin', prejudice and greed

Found the future in the present
Found hope within a seed

Hey, hey, hey, where you goin' ?

Hey, if you're escapin'
give us the keys !

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa !
We don't need keys !

I don't even know him.
This ain't adios.

It's just goodbye.

God !
Gotta get outta here.

Hey, I don't even know
who you are.

Harry Sawyer.
Wayne Wayne Wayne Junior.


Now we have three...
count my fingers... three runnin'.

First, a man who likes
to steal cars.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.

Next, Harry Sawyer.

Fraud, credit card scam.


the reason why we're all here today
boys and girls...

Bob Maslow.

Bob Maslow is a bad man.

Let's get the guy
before he kills somebody else.

Get anything
but it has to be nonfat.

Well, this is nonfat.
Don't worry about it.

What about this ? Look it. You know, we
don't owe these people a damn thing.

I know. I know.
I'm not happy either, David.

Peas or corn ?

If I have to listen to one more of those
little monsters butcher "Tomorrow..."

I may end up doing something
very violent.

That is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Now I say we dump Happy.
Not that. Well, we can't dump Happy.

That reminds me. We need some toilet
paper. No, not that, the other one.

Okay, stop snapping at me.
It's softer.
I am on your side.

Let's just drop... I am not the enemy.
Listen to me for a second.

Let's just junk that crappy apartment
on wheels... I want this.

And quit this whole stupid business.

I want a real life again, you know ?
A little fun.

You remember that word "fun" ?
Yes, I do remember fun, Peter.

I want our old life back. You need to
get a new attitude is what you need.

I think that she may have overcharged us.
She did not.

If you would have brought the coupons
maybe we could have saved some money.
No, some of this stuff is not right.

Oh, my God. David.
It's gone.

Somebody stole our crappy camper.

We gotta go call the police.
No, listen to me a second.

Steven, if we call the police
we'll just get it back.

What ?
But if we wait a couple of weeks...

call the insurance company, we can
cash in on the modern American dream.

Yes ! Yes !
Yes !

Can we go to Maui ?
Yes !

Trust me, it's perfection.

Dual tanks on this baby. Even on
back roads, it's more than enough.

Let's get out of Texas.
Go, Daddy, go !

A prison break today at the
Jim Hogg County Correctional Facility...

has brought out law enforcement
agencies in four states.

The three fugitives, including convicted
murderer Robert Alan Maslow...

escaped from their prison van while
being transported to the facility.

Authorities are advising motorists
not to pick up hitchhikers...

and to use caution
at all rest stops.

The big prisons are leaking
like a macram? diaphragm.

Texas finest are in full manhunt mode.
Shoot, manhunt mode.

Sounds like a full weekend for
you and your pals. Oh, you.

Hey, you folks, keep an eye out
for three orangejumpsuits...

unless until the marshal gets
those fellas back in the pokey.

Hey, comin'up next
another Hollywood actor is in rehab.

And the state's largest tomato
gets auctioned off for charity.

Well, I guess
we better turn around.

So what you're saying is north
is there, right ?

Well, a little bit. Yep.
Yep. Unless I turn the map this way.

That is so much better.

Come on.

Ow ! Yeah, I almost got it.
Come on.

I almost got it.
It's the cops.

It's the cops.
Come on, let's get outta here.

Pop who ?

Must be my lucky day.

Lotta folks lookin' for you.

Oh, my !

Yeah, we're on our way in, but you
better get your tow truck out there.


Oh, no. I've heard about this before.
Vigilante justice.

We're screwed.
They're gonna hang us.

Yeah, they are.

Shut up.
Oh, my God.

Okay, sell me.

What, you want...
you want me to speak ?

All we wanna know is if you were
offered one instead of two...

would you take it ?

We... We can do one easy.

I know this is not
what you were expecting, but...

I've always found these things
to be negotiable.

You wanna negotiate ?
Now hold on.

If it's all the same with you, Judge
we'd rather get less.

Much less. Now we're gettin' somewhere.
Now stop right there.

I didn't bring them in so you could
give them less than minimum.

These fellas are professionals.
They should get what they deserve.

Damn cop.
We'll take one, Your Honour.

Sold American. Let the record show
that they've agreed to one thousand.

Put in the time and date it.
One thousand ?

Thousand what ?

Which one of you is Steven
and which one is David ?

What ?
Oh, for Christ's sakes.

Which one of you is Steven
and which of you fellas is David ?

I'm Steven, and this is...
The other... The other one.

Well, Steven, we're talking about $ 1000
here, which you've just agreed to.

Two thousand is highway robbery
and you know it.

Now, if we're done here, you go to see
Joe at the bank in the morning.

You can sign for your money then.
Welcome to Happy.

There must be something here
with our names on it.

Midget clothes.

We're midgets.
We're not midgets.

No. Maybe whoever
owned this had kids.

Circus kids.

What about this ?

Hey. Maybe we're tailors.

We travel from town to town...

tailoring dresses for...

circus midgets.

Travelling midget tailors.

Yeah, you think ?


"Pageant World.

A magazine for the pageant
and talent industry."

Heavy reading.

What is this ?

Oh, my.
Whoo !

Legs that wrap around you twice.

"Princess pageants at pauper prices.
Dreams come true and we come to you.

Trust Steven and David
the pageant professionals."

We put on beauty pageants.

You mean, we drive around
in this thing here...

And slide hot bodies
into tight dresses.

I can do that.

Hey, it's photos.

Yeah. Here we are
in front of the motor home.

Uh huh.

So we're gay.

How hard can that be ?

It might not be hard for you
Rock Hudson...

but I have got heterosexual...
What ?

Not gay written all over me.

It's business.
It's for the money.

I don't wanna be gay.
I'm not asking for the world here.

I'm not asking you to act civil.

Just... Just walk into the bank
and co sign for a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars.

Do you really need a new tractor
or do you just want one ?

All right. Now, can I have
your account number with the bank ?

Hi. Uh, can I help you ?
Yeah, sweetheart...

we got some confidential business
with the bank's president.

Oh, oh, you must be
the pageant people.

Yeah. We're here
to collect the thousand dollars.

Oh, I I think that's half
half a thousand.

No, no, all of it.

You wanna go fetch
the pants around here ?

We prefer to deal with Joe.
Nothing personal.


Josephine McClintock.

Howdy. How y'all doin' ?

Folks round here call me Joe
after my dad.

He died quite sometime ago, so he's
gonna be kinda hard for me to fetch.

And I know that I'm just a girl
and everything, but I do believe...

that the agreement was 500 up front
and five upon completion.

Aren't we the assholes ?

Fifty, four hundred.
Fifty and fifty makes five hundred.

Here you go. You're both gonna need to
sign here as proof of receipt, okay ?

Hey, Ely, what are you doing
out here this early ?

I got him.
Hey, Joe.

Uh, the boys at the court give me a
$20000 advance on the truck.

Mm hmm.
I'll have that in fives and twenties.

Oh, come on, Ely. You know I don't
have that kind of money round here
till harvest day.

Why don't you leave this here with me
for the next two weeks ?

I'll pay you better interest
than that mattress of yours.

After harvest day, I can cash
any cheque you like. Hmm ?

Well, could you let me have
three dollars for lunch, then ?

Well, I'll need to see some I. D.

Well, here.
No, no, Ely.

That was a joke.

Bye bye. Bye.
All right, thank you.

So, Joe, you cash a lot of $20000
cheques around here ?

Why, you got one
that needs to be cashed ?

Not on me.
Why, it's bad luck.

Well, uh, it was... it was real
interesting meeting you both.

Yeah, see ya.

Yeah, very nice meeting you.



Fan frickin' tastic. Let's find us
some wheels and get outta Dodge.

Are you thinking again ? 'Cause you could
think on the road, you know.

We're not goin'.
What ?

We're stayin'. We're not goin'.
We ?

What, you grow another face ?
'Cause I'm outta here.

Remember my half now, 250.
Give it over.

Oh, this one's sweet.
Would you just stop and think ?

Two fifty. It's plenty enough
for me to get outta here.

How far ?

Right now every law enforcement officer
in the southwest is looking for you...

but no one is looking for
a cake eating...

pageant producing, midget tailoring
gay couple in Happy, Texas.

Wait for the heat to cool down.
Stay here two weeks.

Then we take the bank down
and travel in style, right ?

When did people in small towns
start lockin' their doors ? God.

All right.
What about the RV ?

I mean, somebody's gonna
come looking for that.

Worries we don't have yet.

If it gets hot, we just grab a car
and get gone, right ?

All right. Let's say
I go along with this.

I mean, you're kind of a wuss.
You've been right so far.

What do you need me for ?

Two man job, Wayne.

I need a partner.

Oh, uh, mornin'. Howdy.

Glad I found y'all.
L I looked at your place.

What can we do for you ?
They're waitin'.

They're waiting ?
The girls.

Oh, the girls.
They started without you.

I told them I'd round y'all up.
Girls are waiting. Yeah, the girls.

Hardly sit down
they're so excited to meet you two.

I've often said to David "David" I've said...

"nothing starts the day off
like an excited girl."

Yep. And I've often said...


Well, let's giddap.

And ball change and sugar.
And ball change. Now we do a loop kick.

Now, normally I like to be
on the glamour end of a partnership

but you've got
a real way with people.

I've seen it. So, to use your talents
in the best way possible...

I'm willing to take the burden
and responsibility for the bank.

Yours will be this...
Sheena, give me some sugar.

Pageant thing.
Or how about this ?

You bite me. Why can't I do the bank ?
Why do I got to do the kids ?

Wanna know what I was doing time for ?
Sorry. Good mornin'.

Well, I'd like to welcome you both
to Happy. I'm Miss Schaefer.

Good morning, Miss Schaefer.
I'm Steven.

I'm the other one.

Hi. Well...

we're just so very excited
y'all being here and all.

We're convinced with your expertise
we can finally qualify this year.

I'm afraid I've been doing the
Little Fresh Squeezed Pageants
for eight years now.

No qualifiers yet.

Last couple of years
even the parents stopped comin'...

which is a disappointment.

But we're hostin' the event
this year.

What, with 13 towns
and nearly 100 girls competing, well...

Well, you did the right thing
calling us in, because David here is...

what we call in the business...

a pageant master.
Really ?

And there are only four of those
in the whole United States.

My, my.
So, what I'd like to do...

is to leave you in his capable hands
and let him work his magic...

All right.
While I tend to our business affairs.

Steven, you don't have to
go so soon.

Yes, I do, David.
No, you don't, Steven.

Yes, I do, darling.

He hates it when we're apart.

Pleasure to meet you, Miss Schaefer.

Nice meeting you.
See ya.


Would you like to meet the girls ?
I said don't point at me !

Stop it ! No !
Stop it !

You mind if I just stand here
for a minute ?

Shake, shake.
You do it with your booty.

You don't have to be nervous
about the girls.

They're fine with
uh, you know.

What ?
About you being a homosexual.

Oh, yeah.

Now, everyone, I want you
to say hi to David.

Hi, David !


Your booklet requested a piano.

Perhaps you'd like to
let the girls vocalize.


That's too high.

Old Dan Tucker
was a fine old man

Washed his face
in a frying pan

Combed his hair
with a wagon wheel

Died with a toothache
in his heel

Way out west

Go out west

Old Dan...

Way out west, Old Dan Tucker

Old Dan Tucker.
Was that that hard ?

Hello ?

Hello ?

Hello ?


Hello to you.


Thought I was going to
have to stop a bank robbery.

You really scared me.
Last man in that safe...

who didn't work here
my daddy shot in his tracks.

I understand that's the most painful
place to be shot in.

So, uh, what are you doing
back there ?

L I couldn't find anybody.
I call out. The safe was open.

Could have been soundproof.
I'm gonna have to start beefing up
security around here.

Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him
a little knick knack paddy whack.

He's one of those pageant fellas.
Oh. Oh !

Oh, Joe, ask him about the trees.
The trees ?

Yeah, you are looking
at the pageant's decoration committee.

Yeah, we've been out shopping
for decorations. We, uh...

we sort of decided on orange trees
and twinkle lights.

I mean, if... if that's
all right with you.

Twinkle lights sounds great.

Um, well, so was there
something that you needed ?

No. I just wanted to make sure
the decorations were taken care of.

And things look
great here, so, uh...

So I better go check on Wayne.

Uh, Wayne Newton.

Music for the dance numbers.
Oh. Okay.

Gotta go.
Okay. Well, I'll see ya.


Not how I pictured him at all.

They're crafty that way.
Mm hmm.

I mean, he's cute in a sort of
zestfully clean kind of way.

But I like my men a little dirty
and packin' heat. Hmm, Chappy ?

L I best bring
the rest of it up.

All right. I got it. I got it.
All right. Thank you.

I thought they were gay.
They are.

Oh, I don't know much
but I know men.

And he was looking at you
the way a fat man looks at fried food.

Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall
Sixty four bottles of beer

You take one down, pass it around
Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall

No, goddam it. They're keeping us
totally in the dark here.

Yeah, I got my tactical
display here. Mm hmm.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey !

Come on in here.
Come on. Save me a trip.

Hold. Hold.
Let me get a pad of paper here.

Hold on.

Look at that.
What do you think of that ?

Okay, give it to me.
Wasn't my idea to escape.

Hold on one second.
It was a fight between Wayne and Bob.

Hey, can I finish this phone call
please ? Thank you.

Go ahead. Send it to me.

No, don't fax it to me. Goddam it
that's what I've been tellin' ya.

It's... It's all mushy.
I can't make heads or tails out of it.

Bring it to me, you bet.
That'd be fine.

Tomorrow ? Fine.
I'll keep an eye out for you.

Oh. I was gonna find you.
The boys at the garage...

your RV there...
basically a piece of crap.


So how are you ?
Better all the time.

Mexican authorities
have been brought into the search...

for the three men who escaped
from a prison van yesterday.

Police now think the three may have
crossed the border into Mexico...

so the manhunt is being concentrated
along the Rio Grande Valley.

You won't believe
what just happened to me.

Thank goodness
for small town sheriffs.

The guy's holding my mug shot
in his hand.

Next thing I know, we're drinking
a beer and talking about...

If you ever leave me
with a kid again...

I will make sure
that you never have one !

You have no idea what it is like
to have these screamin'...

little booger eaters
lookin' up at you...

expectin' you to...

know stuff.

An ordinary love
comes in a plain brown wrapper

Why can't we do the bank now ?
Because right now that bank...

is just an ugly stepsister to when
the harvest money comes in, that's why.

I don't care
whose sister's at the bank.

I can't go back in there
and play the fool.

All right. I agree.

All right ?

That's just the price

That life imposes on a heart

An ordinary heart

We gotta get the girls
into the pageant.

It's the answer to keeping
the whole town busy on bank day.

It's the best
of all possible diversions.

It's our alibi.

We can't rob a bank if we're hosting
a beauty pageant, can we ?


Come on, Wayne.


Iousy food
big men with bad breath.

Or we're rich...

great beaches...

foreign women with large breasts.

I'm gonna pick that one.
All right.

All right. Sold American.
All right.

To pull it off, this needs to
be more of a partnership.

All right.
Thank you, guys. Yeah.

Hello ? Sheriff ?
Anybody here ?

Hello ?

Sheriff Dent ?

Gimme that gasoline, Jency !

I promise you I'm gonna let you do
your flaming baton trick later.

Sissies, sissies
Pageant sissies

David, do you want
to help me with something ?


I wanna get him !
No ! Let go of me, you homo !

You come anywhere near these girls
again, I won't say nothin'.

I'm just gonna come over to your house
late at night when you're asleep...

and kill you
with a chain saw.

You got no room to talk, lady.

Don't you ever let me
catch you fight like that again.

And don't ever drop your lead shoulder
when you throw a punch.

You think shoulder to face
when you hit.

Shoulder to face.

Sure you're okay ?

Do you smoke ?
No, thanks.

Man, I've never seen
Miss Schaefer that mad before.

She was mad ?
I think she was expecting...

m more from this whole thing.

She's been talking about all this
great stuff you were going to teach us.

And, well, so far, nothin'.

All right, goddam it !
Shut your yappers !

Get your diapered butts in line !
Get over here !

Over here ! Now, we got work to do !
Cool !

All right, this might
look hard at first.

All right. Head back ! Oh, my God.
One, two, three, four !

Go ! Okay !

It's a tornado !
It's a tornado...

goin' through the small town !

Whippin' around.

Watch it. Make it go.
Winds of fury !

Giddap ! Go ! Go !

All right. Let's get started.

Girls, would you like to try
to follow what he did ?

Going once.
Going twice. Sold !

$350 for this nice
Mako gas range over here.

Cute butt, sexy eyes

Tall and dark
I know what I like

Heart of gold
Brain to match

Ain't gonna settle for less than that
Next up here we have a wonderful item.

This is a classic.
It's antique.

It's a Ming vase.
It's a Ming vase ?

It's a Wyo ming vase. I brought it in
from Wyoming, but it's a nice one.

There's a little crack in the back
but you can fix that up.

How about we start this at $ 100 ?
A $ 100 bid.

A hundred dollars, anybody ? A hundred.
How about this outstanding picture here ?

A man sitting on a tractor.
I don't believe it's a John Deere...

but his wife probably
calls him John Dear.

Right now our next lot is lot 24.
It's a collection of tyres.

You all know Varnel's
affection for tyres.

It's unnatural.
There's a lot of good rubber in these tyres

and there's some
steel belteds in there.

We'll start the bidding at, uh... at 200.
Two hundred, two hundred.

Give me three. Lookin' for three.
Three hundred dollar bid, dollar bid.

Three hundred dollars. Lookin'...

Am I glad to see you.
I thought I was gonna die.

Dollar bid, dollar bid over here.
We got a $400 bid.

Hey, Varnel
what are you biddin' on ?

Joe, that's a hell of a price.
But, Varnel, those are your tyres.

Judge, don't let him buy those tyres.
Sorry, Varnel.

Okay, we'll continue bidding here.
Are you always taking care of everyone ?

You know what they say about small
towns... like big families, no secrets.

Which is, um, sort of why
I wanted to, uh, talk to you.

Uh, I need some advice.

You can trust me.
This is a little hard, um...

but I feel that I can talk to you
because you're, um...

because you're sort of...
Because I'm an outsider ?

You are. Yes, you are
but that's not it.

Because I'm handsome ?

I mean, you're very handsome, I think
um, but that's not really what I'm, uh...

Because I'm a man ?


And no.

I sort of feel like I can talk to you like a
girlfriend. You know what I mean ?
That's a first.

I mean it in a good way. I mean I haven't
had a girlfriend in a really long time.

Me either.
That's funny.

I couldn't help but notice that...

you seemed to have kept
a certain amount of...

passion in your relationship.

With David ? Passion ?

Yeah. I, uh... I guess I work hard
to keep that in my life.

See, relationships for me have all
just been a little bit fuzzy.

I mean, the difference between
what is good and what is settling...

has... has always been
a real problem for me.

So I'm just lookin' for anything
that would help. You know what I
mean ? Um, a tip or a magic spell.

For a relationship
that you're in ?


And this guy, uh...
It is a guy, right ?

Yes, it's a guy. Of course it's a guy.

Guys are easy.
I mean, all they want is...

The bank. The bank !

The bank ?

Sugar, stop cryin'.
It's all right.

It's just an accident.
Everybody all right ?

Here's your baton, Jency.
I'm sorry it melted.

It's out !
The fire is out !

All you people go home !

No, no, no.
Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

And will somebody turn off
the damned alarm ?

Man, I always get scared
when I hear that old tornado siren.

You thought a tornado
hit the bank ?

No, no, the bank's alarm
fire department and public safety...

are all tied into
the same system.

My heart is goin'
a mile a minute.

Girl, you need to relax.
Yeah, well, I'm open to suggestions.

Why don't you let me
give the girlfriend role a try ?

Help you out with the decorations.

Why don't you come by tomorrow then ?


may I have a word
with you, please ?

Now, most times I don't like
to have to say anything...

about what people say
or what they do.

But I will not stand by
and allow you...

to use vulgar language like the GD word
in front of those little girls.

I will not let that happen.
Do you understand me ?

I wish you wouldn't
talk to me like that.

Well, I'm sorry, David
but it had to be said.

I'm sorry.
Hi, Miss Schaefer.

Would you mind if I borrow David
for one second ?

It's the end times.

What the hell are you trying to do ?
About what ?

Fry a bunch of little girls ?
Need I remind you...

Need I remind you that those girls
are our meal ticket here ?

What did you do that for ?
Don't talk to me like that.

Okay. God.

My mistake.

Everything, uh, copacetic
with your companion there ?

Yeah. We're more
like just friends now.

Yeah, it seems friendly.

Yeah, in many ways, we just
stick together 'cause of the job.

Your, uh... your work's
awful important to you.

Sure. I gotta go.

Yeah, hold... hold on there.
Hold on.

I was thinkin'...
Something occurred to me.

If you got the time, I'd like
to ask you some questions...

about you and your...
your friend there.

You mind comin' over
to my office ?

Could I do it another time ?
Be better for me.

The Lord works
in mysterious ways.

Well, I'm not superstitious
but when she was passin'by

How's it goin' ?

You know what they say.

What are they sayin' now ?

Well, you know.

Measure twice, cut once.
You ?

How are you doing ?

I'm almost finished with my masterpiece.
I call it "Family Tree."

I think I may have
just found my true calling.

How are you doin' ? You almost done
with the tree trunks ? We need 'em.
Be right there.

So, tell me about this man of yours.
Uh, his name is Glen.

Uh huh.

Where's Glen now ?

He's in Van Horne. He stops by every once
in a while for dinner and breakfast.

A few late night phone calls.
It's a very modern relationship.

Yeah, we've been together
six years next month.

Six years of what ?
Breakfast and phone calls ?

Sounds kind of convenient.
Doesn't sound very... very permanent.

Well, I can wait.
What for ?

You know, you're in your twenties and
everything's gonna happen "someday."

And then you get a little
past your twenties...

and "someday" is happening
or has happened.

Your dad dies and you go
from being Josephine to Joe...

president of the bank.

And everybody starts
dependin' on ya.

Your love life
sort of takes a back seat.

You start to realize
that maybe... maybe your...

maybe your ultimate dreams
are just unattainable.

I don't know. I guess I'm
still waitin' for "someday."

Well, on the plus side, he does
do somethin' every once in a while...

that feels worth waitin' for.

What's that ?
He tells me that he loves me.

Aw, come on. "Love you" is easy.
Men say it all the time.

Men say they love their work.

Love their cars
love their...

Love their freedom.

He should tell you
something more than that.

Like what ?

He should take you in his arms
look you straight in your eyes.

He should say...

I don't know. He should say
"I may have seen a woman in my life...

"who is considered prettier...

"but I've never seen one
more beautiful.

"When you laugh and your eyes
are happy, I think...

"I think no matter what...

I'm a success."

He should say, "I want you."


"I want you, Joe.

"You'll never be second to
anything else because I want you
more than anything else.

"I wanna kiss you.

I wanna breathe in the air
out of you."

Right. Like some straight guy's
ever gonna say that.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, man, you are good. You know that ?
You are really, really good.

Well, a man in love is a man in love.

You know, it makes him say
the strangest things.

Come on.
Finish the trees.

Yeah, the trees.
Let's go.

Well, I better... I, uh...
I better go wash this off so we can...

move on to gettin' covered
in tree trunk brown, yep.

Oh, excuse me.

Don't move.

Gotcha. Bang.

There's one less bunny rabbit
that'll be bothering you.

Damn rodents. Chewing up
everything in sight.

You know
they breed like rabbits.

Yeah, I heard.

Sheriff, why are we out here ?

Let me choose
the right words here. Uh...

Ever since you and David
come to town...

I've been thinking
"What's wrong with this picture ?"

There's one. You want him ?

Whoop. There he goes.

Oh, there, he's got two.
Thank you.

Truth to tell, I invited you out here
because I need some advice.

Sure, if I can help.

I'm just a crusty old redneck
and I don't express myself well.

And recently there's someone
that I would...

Iove to express myself to.

Why, Sheriff.

You've got a crush on
some sweet thing. That's great.

There comes a time in a...
in a man's life...

when he must be bold.

Sure. I've learnt that you've
gotta say what's in your heart.

Life is short.

To let the chance pass you by
of spending it with someone you love...

that's a sin
a real sin.

Here we go.
You want this one ?

You take him.
Bring it up nice and slow.

Easy, easy, easy.
You got the safety off there ?

Is it tight against your shoulder ?
Keep it tight.

Nice and tight. That's good.
You're good.

I guess like...

like everybody else
I'm scared of bein'...

you know, rejected.

Well, there's no way, man.

You're a real catch.
You're a man's man.

You're a nice guy.
You got your health.

And everybody knows what
a turn on that uniform is.

Just bring it up tight
into your shoulder there.

You're gonna just squeeze it.

Don't jerk it.
Just squeeze it.

Look right down the barrel.
Keep both your eyes open.

You mean all that stuff
that you said ?

If you were gay...

you'd be just my type.
Pop him.

Jiminy crickets.

Are... Are you all right ?

Yeah. Yeah.
Did I get it ?

Uh, I don't think there's any danger of
that. Are you sure you're all right ?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I think you're mighty handsome.

I'd never split up
another couple.

But now that I see that you and David
aren't together any more...

well, that's a cat
of a different colour.


bein' bold here...

what do you say you and me
go out on a proper date ?

Two Cokes.

And left, and left.

Like an aeroplane.
'Cause I got my weight in my hip.

Weight in my hip.

Weight in the hip.
And left, and...

Put it up !

Punch it ! Punch !
And come on !

Shh !

That way. All right.
You do it.

Yeah ! Put it up here.
Doing the swan head.

Face me, though. Good. All right.
Let's go inside and show the others.

That's pretty much my story.

Up to high school, anyway.

Lucky we had the 21/2 hour drive
to get here.

It's just that I've heard about
this place for so long...

I figure this is a good time...

Do you believe in love
at first sight

Tell you what.
I'll get us a couple of beers.

You can tell me about yourself.

I'm glad that we agreed
believe me

That's a big relief

This place is awful crowded
and this music is so loud

Would you like to go
and grab a bite to eat

Me neither

Whoa, whoa, hold on there. God knows
when we're gonna see you again.

Uh, we need
two more Tecates. Each ?

At least.
There ya go.

And, uh, give me the meanest
steak you got. Rare, and I mean rare.

Just dehorn it, wipe its butt
and send it in.

Steven ?

There you go.

Well, first things first.

I'm glad you're here.

I wish you'd start
callin' me Chappy.


There you go.

Got me a room
in a cheap motel

My head was spinnin'
and I didn't feel well

Hope you'll understand
if we take this very slow.

Oh, I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I fixed up my bed
and I covered up my head

It's just that
I feel we're a lot alike.

There's a lot
you don't know about me.

Well, that's what life's for
isn't it ?

Findin' out.

I'm gonna spin you again.

A one, two.
I turned and I tossed

Love is stranger than fiction

And I make this prediction
Even though you say you won't

I know you'll let me down

Tell me I'm your heart's desire
Love me long, you little liar

We've got a strange love
Love love

How was the prom ?

Your date. Did you get any ?
Yeah, very funny.

Screw you.
Well, that would be...

cheatin' on the sheriff.

Did you do some dancin' ?
Why do you care ?

I'll tell you why I care.

You don't... You don't think
I know what you're doin'.

Do you ?
What ?

What, goin' to the banker lady's house
for popcorn and pillow talk.

Goin' huntin'. What did you do ?
Did you go someplace nice for dinner ?

Did you have a few drinks ?

You don't think I'd like to get out
some night, have a nice meal...

spend one night
not thinkin' about the girls ?

You know what I did tonight ?
I'll tell you what I did.

I spent it right here...

tryin' to figure out if...

slip stitchin' or bastin' is the best
way to put on a sparkly heart.

Because you know what ?
I don't know how.

Judges are gonna be here tomorrow.

Madison's not gotten
all the way through her song.

Numbers are all over the place.
Nobody can keep the beat.

And I'm scared to death that
Jency is gonna drop her baton...

and fry like one of them
Buddhist monks.


I thought this was
a partnership.

You know what I don't see ?

I don't see no keys
to the bank.

Fine, Wayne, let's trade.

You come pretend to be
Chappy's life mate.

You explain how you don't...

kiss early in the relationship
'cause you're not that kind of guy.

So now it's "Chappy."

Yes, damn it, it's "Chappy" !

We're dating !

I gotta get outta here.

Every time we start to have
a nice talk, you gotta go.

Fine. You know what ?
Maybe I'll just go do the bank myself.

Okay, Wayne. Go.
You go do it.

You go do the bank.
All right.

First I gotta make little polka dotted
flowers for the girls' hats.

You're quiet today.
Are you all right ?

Every time I think about you I am.

What ?

You're such a surprise.
What do you mean ?

I don't know.
Just a surprise.

Well, I have to
get back to work.

I'll clean up.

Can I see you later ?
It's last night in town.

I can't. I'm havin' company.
How about after ?

It's Glen, Steven.

"After" will be tomorrow.


Well, thanks again for lunch.

I'll see ya.

David, where you been ?
I just woke up. Where's the girls ?

They're inside with the judges now.
So close. We're so close this year.

Just once I'd like
to show those people...

from Pecos and Fort Davis that
we are just as good as they are.


Well, I think we'll do fine.

I just wanted to tell you
that next year...

you don't need my help
'cause you done real good.

Well, thanks.

Comin' from a professional
like yourself, that means so much.

Yep. Well...

And you are, I must say
you are fuckin' great !

Don't mean to be rude.
We still have the girls to see...

over in Fort Davis
this afternoon.

And thanks so much for your hospitality.
Everything looks very festive for tomorrow.

Oh. Here...
Mm hmm.

Are the final instructions
for the programme...

and your copy
of the contestant list.

Are you telling me
that somebody qualified ?

Miss Schaefer
they all qualified.

They all qualified !

It zips !

Love trouble

Love trouble
Love that trouble

Aw, I think we can
do something about that

Now, I haven't had a whole lot of
experience, but you're incredible.

I mean, considerin' the fact
that you are a homosexual.

Well, that whole gay thing
is just kind of a...

hobby, really.

I thought you had a lot of girls'
names on you for a, you know...

Who's Jessica ?
Jessica Lange.

Who's Jamie ?
Jamie Lee Curtis...

from that movie Trading Places.
Who's this ?

That's not a tattoo.
Oh, my !

Three most romantic sounds
in the world.

Plane engine
a ship's whistle...

and a locomotive's horn.

Somebody once said that.

Or maybe it's the three
loneliest sounds. I can't remember.

What are you thinkin' about
out here watchin' freighters go by ?


I'm always thinkin' about goin'.

Oh, Lordy, we sure did get
to the "gettin' goin"' part quick.

I got somethin' for you.
Oh, Chappy, you shouldn't have.

Oh, go on, now.
It's for luck tomorrow.

And to say thanks.

Thank you for the...

the gift that
these last days have been.

You know, I been thinkin'
hell, Dallas ain't that far.

My schedule's pretty flexible.

Nah, we...

we don't need to talk about that now.

There's time for that later.
Go on. Open it.

It's a rabbit's foot.
I made it. It's for luck.

That come off the only one
you hit that day.

Thank you.

I want you to know
when you leave...

I know folks around here.

They'll talk about it for years.

"Remember when them two fellas
came for that beauty pageant ?"

I'll think about you.

Just want to make sure
you got somethin' of me with you.

You want some coffee ?

Hang on a second.
I'll be right there.

I didn't mean to be rude.
I just wanted to get out of that robe.

So, I take it this is your
"I stayed up all night" look...

as opposed to your
"I'll get up early and go get
Josephine some breakfast" look.

That bad, huh ? I guess I should
be flattered by your stalking.

It's such a fine line between
stalking and being attentive...

and I was, I don't know
being attentive.

How's Glen ?

Oh. He's gone.

I know. I saw him leave.
No, I mean he's gone gone.

I told him it was over, and...

he said, "Fine" he wasn't havin'
all that much fun anyway.

Very adult of him.

I mean, I was at least hopin'
for some tears...

or a tantrum or somethin'.

Well, how about that, huh ?
You all right ?

No. Which is stupid.

I mean, it's not like anything
he said was such a big surprise.

It's just that...

I had this big speech
all worked out, right

about how I didn't want
to be second any more...

how I wanted a relationship
that felt...

permanent, you know
not just convenient...

how I wanted to be part
of a couple that did things as a...

as a couple, you know ?

I wanted him to talk to me
the way that you did...

Iook at me, pay attention to me
the way that you do.

I mean...

That's not too much to ask, right ?
It's not too much to want.




I wish...


You're great.

You are. You're great.

You'll meet somebody.
You'll meet someone.


And with my luck
he'll turn out to be gay.

Jesus ! I'm in the crosswalk !
I'm walkin' here !

All right.

All right, outside. Let's go.
Hey, you and me, we ain't talkin'.

I know what you're doin' here.
It's not right.

Hi there.

Sure lookin' forward
to that pageant this afternoon.

I am not waitin' for you...

to clean this place out
this afternoon and I get zip.

I'm going to sign for my other 250
which I have more than earned...

and then...
Morning, boys.

Piss on you, I am gone.

Wait, wait, wait. Two fifty ?

Saw Liberace one time
in Laughlin.

Great show. He's an all right fella too.
Like y'all

but sittin' at the far end of
that counter, if you know what I mean.

Would you excuse us ?
Oh, sure.

Two fifty ? You're here to sign
for the other half of the salary ?

I thought you were gonna rob the bank.
Me ? I'm not robbin' the bank.

You're robbing the bank.
I'm not robbing the bank !

It was your idea.

Yeah, it was my idea
but now it's not.

I think I'm falling in love.

With the sheriff
or the banker ?

With Joe.

Bad luck.

Boys, in case no one else
got around to tellin' ya

we sure do appreciate
what y'all done around here.

Yep, sure do.
That's it.

See you both at the show.

Hey. You done
a good job, Wayne.

Better than I could've done
with those kids.

You're a good partner. You take
my share. It's time for me to go.

Buenos dias, girls.

I got my new car parked outside.
Y'all want to come look at it ?


Ain't life funny
us back together again.

Kind of like a Kodak commercial.

Imagine my surprise
when I come out of my hole...

where I've been waitin' for things to
cool off a little bit, and who do I see ?

In my bank.

Goat boy's girlfriend here.

So, tell me, girlfriend... tell me
about your plan to get my money.

Or if we can just do my plan
but I always figured...

killin' a bunch of people
makes for a slower getaway.

All right, I'll give you the combo.
Hey. Alarm.

Thank you, Wayne.
What about that ?

Don't worry about the alarm. I'll cut the
alarm. If it's on a reset switch

it'll it'll
start before you...

What about that ?
Lt'll be on for a second or two.

I'll coordinate the break in
with... with something loud.

What's loud ?

Well, when my girls come on stage
that entrance music is pretty loud.

David !
How you doin' ?

When ?
Quarter of 4:00.

Okay. 3:45, I cut the alarm
then you're on your own.

How... How long has he been in there ?
Huh ?

In the bathroom. How long
do you think he's been in there ?

What's it matter ?
L... I was thinkin'...

if he has the cramps or somethin'
we could surprise him.

What are you gonna do
jump him in the can ?

I can take him. No, you can't.
I think I can take him.

Wayne, I hate to be the one to tell
you this, but you're a lousy fighter.

Well, at least I ain't actin'
like a pee waddlin' hound...

handin' out the combination
of my girlfriend's bank !

I am not helping him.

All right, I am helping him.
But it's better this way.

It's better
that no one gets hurt.

You should've seen it.
Lifted me right off the seat.

I could've named it Flipper.

Hey ! You both look, uh
que bonita.

Just like everything's normal.
That's good.

Steven, it's me, Chappy.
Who's Chappy ?

The sheriff.

You get rid of him right quick
or else I will.

Getting dressed.
Just a second.

Hey, Chappy. Hey.
Hey, you.

I wasn't tryin' to catch you
with just your drawers on, I promise.

Hey, David.
How are you ?

I thought I'd stop and visit for a bit
before the festivities begin.

Uh, I got a line
on some transportation for you.

It ain't pretty
but it'll get you where you're goin'.

I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting something ?

Yeah, you sort of are right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Steven.

I'm... Think I'm bein'
a little selfish right now

and it's your last day
in town and all...

and I'm tryin' to fit in
as much time as I possibly can.

Me and the boys are fixin' up
your, uh... your RV there.

We're gonna tow it to El Paso.
I think we can, um...

Chappy, I need you to go.

I can stay out of your way here
till you're done.

No, I don't want you
in here right now, all right ?

Of course.
Sure. All right.

Um, we still goin' to sit together
durin' the show, right ?

No. No, I don't think so.

What ? What are you talkin' about ?
Will you just go away !

I don't want to sit with you tonight.
I don't want to see you back here again.

I don't want you looking for me
after the show.

Steven if there's somethin' I've done...

I must have been out of my mind...

wasting my time with some...

redneck hick sheriff...

with bug eyes
and two left feet.

Just leave me alone.

It's nice my new amigo
is so concerned about his friends.

We don't have to worry
about how this is gonna go down.

Let's do it.

All right.

Around, around.
Like that ?

Like that.
And around the other way.


Okay, everyone. I hope we're all ready.
Come on. Come on. Come here.

Okay. Do you think
we should pray ?

Yeah. Why don't you go ahead.

All right.

Bow your heads.
What about hold hands ?

All right. Let's hold hands.
Okay. Yeah.

Okay, God

just want you to look down
on these girls here.

They're like little flowers...

and the rain you send 'em...

gotta be gentle and sweet.

We come to you today
and we ask you to just help 'em...

help us grab this pageant
by the balls and rip 'em off.

I mean, if those judges
don't like us, then screw 'em.

These girls here, they're...
they're talented, they're pretty...

and if if those judges
say anything different

then I hope that on Judgement Day, you
put their asses through a meat grinder.

Amen !

It's show time, folks !

Let's go.
Good luck. Break a leg. Not really.

All right.
Break an egg.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Straight from
the big bend of Texas...

your nominees for
Little Miss Fresh Squeezed !

Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo !
All right !

Welcome to Happy

where we are more than happy
to be hosting...

the 18th Annual
Little Miss Fresh Squeezed...

Preteen Talent Competition.

97 girls from 13 communities...

competing for a chance
to represent their hometown...

at the state pageant
in Dallas next month.

What's going on ?
No matter what, remember, 3:45 !


This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine
let it shine

How ya doin' ?
That's why... I have good news.

The Del Rio girls
they haven't shown up

so the Happy girls are gonna
go on stage early.

I thought maybe we could
go back to my place.

That would be... What ?

I thought we'd go back to my place.

Wait. Happy girls aren't supposed
to go on till quarter to 4:00.

Well, 15 minutes early.

David. David.
No. David.

Hi ho.

You know
this reminds me of a story.

Well, I'll be dipped.

Hey, Alton. Get yourself a map
get ahold of the SWAT boys...

and get your best body armour.
Yes, sir.

We have been invited to a party.
Call the local boy. Tell him what's up.

Way out west
Old Dan Tucker

Popped some corn
Old Dan Tucker

Let's go !
I am in the middle of a song here.

Our plans have been changed.
Hey, come on !

Please trust me.
Get us a car.

I could not be prouder today
to introduce to you the Happy girls !

What the hell are we doin' here ?
The alarm is in Chappy's office.


Enough. I consider
the bank robbed, town safe.

It's time to go.
Where are they ?

Who ?
Texas Marshals.

You saw Texas Marshals
out there ?

Aw, Jesus, you scared me.

For a minute there
I thought we were in trouble.

They should be here by now.
No, see now

if they responded to alarms
which they don't...

I called them.
Jesus on a crutch ! What the...

I couldn't let him have Joe's bank.
I can't let Bob do that.

They're here. I think it's time to go.
Thank you.


Joe ! Don't !

Joe !

No, you gotta hit
Farm Market Road 2448. South to Happy.

Great oogly moogly.
What is goin' on now ?

Look who's here, mija.


He's talkin' to you.

That's enough.
I put four of them inside.

Let's assume the woman
is a civilian.

You let me know when one of
you boys got a clear shot.

You know what I
don't figure, goat boy ?

Either you're here for the cut...

in which case
I'd just as soon shoot you

or maybe you've come
for mi novia here.

You don't have to hurt her, Bob.
Hurting her is not part of the deal.

Now, you stand real still.
You hold this.

I'm gonna have to ask you for your gun.
Gun ?

Got an unidentified on the street.

Did anybody get ahold of the local ?
Bob, we had a deal.

You take the money.

But I'm warnin' you, that's all
you're takin' out of here.

You're warning me ?
You are one dumb peon.

Shots fired !
Shots fired ! Get him !

Will you tell your boy to cease fire
before he kills us all.

Cease fire ! Cease fire !

Sir, we got us an officer in there.
What are we gonna do ?

Admire him, son.

That is one big dicked cop.

Officer down !
Holy hell !

Somebody kill me
one of them bastards !

Come on, lover !
Oh, Jesus !

Well, here's a surprise.

You all right ?
Don't you worry about me.

I've been hurt worse today.
Aw, Chappy.


I want you to know
I'm not tryin' to rob the bank.

That's good to know. I'd hate to think I
got shot tryin' to stop a bank robbery.

You gonna be okay ?

I think I can take him.

I'm a bit confused.

I love small towns.

Get in !

Damn !

What now ?
Hit the brakes !

You stay here with the local.

He's shooting ! Turn !

Hey ! Jesus on a cracker !

We are in pursuit
of a late model tow truck...

pullin' an early model
recreational vehicle.

We're travellin' east
on Farm Road.

Farm Road. Farm Road. Uh...

1832, but you don't
wanna go that way.

1832 makes a big, lazy loop east.

Instead, you fellas ought
to take 2886 south

and I'll head 'em to you.

I'm gonna try to get up there.

Ely, you still workin'
that east parcel ?

Hey, Chappy.
I need a favour.

You mind drivin' ?
I'm feelin' a little lightheaded.

Look, shooting them is not gonna
make this truck go any faster.

But dumpin' them will.
Now, I want you to take the wheel.

Joe !
Steven !

What are you doing ?
Trying to save you !

Well, cut it out !
I'm tryin' to save you !

If I don't kill you first.

Tractor !

Watch it !

Go ! Go ! Go !

Oh, beautiful.
Cops everywhere.

Pull in there.
Oh, no. Not the pageant.

Out !
So there !

Hey ! The light is green !

Oh ! Hey ! Ha !

Adios, amigo.

You all right ?
He hurt you ?

Move ! Move ! Move !
Hold your fire.

That's real nice.

Now, what we got here is
an old fashioned Mexican standoff.

Don't you ever talk to me
like that !

Sic him !

Hey, you guys are good.
You're fast.

I don't know
what I run a 40, but...

Whew ! In those shoes ?
Why, you guys are really good.

That was for my girls !

Hog tie that little convict prick !

What was that all about ?

Escaped bank robbin' convict
and I'm dancin' with him.

You know what they call that
in my line of work ? Retirement.

Chappy, uh...

I never meant...
Yeah, but you did.

And that's what life's for, right ?
Findin' out ?

Sheriff Dent ?

I just wanna shake your hand.

I wish there were more men
like you in law enforcement.

You are one big dicked cop.

Thank you.

Oh, my God ! David !

Miss Schaefer, don't you
worry about a thing.

I love you.
I love you too, David.

Maddy !

Maddy, I'm sorry ! I'm not gonna be able
to hear your whole song, all right ?

I think you're a great kid !

I like you a lot !

Maddy !

Maddy !

Remember to keep the beat !

And let the beginning
start soft ! Start soft.



It's oh so quiet

It's oh so still

You're all alone

Miss Schaefer.

I love you, Miss Schaefer.

Doreen. You can call me Doreen.

You can call me Wayne.

Looky what I done for you, sweetheart.

Oh, Wayne !

Wayne ?

What's wrong, sugar darlin' ?

Look what I've done.

I love that woman.

And so peaceful until

You ring my bell

Bam, bam

Shout, you yell

You broke the spell

Gee, this is swell
You almost have a fit

This guy's gorge
and I got hit

There's no mistake
This is it

Until it's over

And then

It's nice and quiet

But soon again

You look good.

There are very few things
that I remember about my mother.

But I do remember her tellin' me...

"Look out for boys.
They have a way about 'em.

"Make you feel
like fine crystal one minute...

an old penny the next."

I didn't come down here for you.
I came for me.

I just wanted to know all that time that we
were together all those things that you said

were they just so you
could get into my bank ?

Joe... Joe...
Please, Joe, wait !

Joe, I've been a screwup
my whole life

and I never thought twice about it
even in prison, not until you.

You make me think about it.

Don't make me come after you.
They'll shoot me !

My life up till now
has been very fuzzy.

Now, the difference between
what is truth and what is not truth...

has been a problem for me.

Joe. There is nothin'...


about what I feel for you.

You know, you spoke better
when you were gay.

I want you to know, if you think
it will help, I'm willing to try that.

Please don't.

You forgive me ?

Not right now, no, but...

I've got three to five
to think about it, don't I ?

Good behaviour
out in 22 months.

You think you're capable
of good behavior ?

If you give me the chance
I could be very, very good.


You blow a fuse

Zing, boom

The devil cuts loose

Zing, boom

So what's the use

Whoa, bam

Of falling in love

The sky caves in
The devil cuts loose

You blow, blow, blow
blow, blow your fuse

When you've fallen in love


Cute butt, sexy eyes

Tall and dark
I know what I like

Heart of gold

Yes, yes, I'm here.

I want to report
a stolen recreational vehicle.

Very expensive.
Very expensive.

Brand new.
I'm very upset. It's brand new.

It is brand new
and I'm very upset.

Yes, I will. I will.

Okay. He's transferring me
to a detective.

I wish you would stop talkin' and
yappin' away when I'm tryin' to do this.

Okay, if you want to do it
you can do it.

I should have done it.
Well, then, don't sit and talk about
should've and would've.

I can cry on cue, Steven.

Well, I am trying to cry
and make it believable.

I'm doing the best I can.

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org