Happy New Year, Colin Burstead (2018) - full transcript

This film contains very
strong language.

STATIC HUMS

HUMMING CONTINUES

What are you doing?

It's for my nerves.
I'm just relaxing this morning.

I'm glad you're relaxing.
And what...? What is this?

Have you been outside in these?
Is that mud?

Yeah, well, as long as we're sort of
out the door in 15 minutes,

we'll be down there in four hours,
I think, so midday.

Yeah, it's just whether
the M25 is moving or...

Yeah, obviously, four hours in...



Colin?

David's coming.

Right. Is he?

Is that all right?

You're not happy about that, no?

No, of course I'm happy.
Yeah. It'll be good to see him.

Yeah. Did you...? You just...

Did you talk to anyone about that
or was that just your...?

No, I haven't spoken to Dad.

I just thought...what the right
thing is to do for Mum.

About a group decision, no,
otherwise I would have called you,

but I knew what the response
would be.

So it's been long enough, hasn't it?
Well, Mum needs to see him and...

No, I'm not... Look, I can't...



I've got a bad line here anyway.
I'm losing you.

Yeah, sorry. Just...

Yeah, sorry, Gin...

Oh...keep going.

I'm a bit what?

Colin?

Hello, Gin?

Colin...

Don't. Yeah, I can hear you.
I'm a bit what?

No, you... Ah... Sorry, Gin.

You're a robot, Gin.

Yeah...uh...I can't...uh...

My brother's coming.

Yeah, Gini's invited him.

It's fair that Dave's coming,
isn't it?

I think it's right to invite him.

I have no opinion on the matter.

You never have an opinion
on a matter. Your family...

The idea was that it was
a surprise for my mum.

Yeah. It's going to be a surprise,
yeah. It will be a surprise.

Have you seen my puffer?

Yes, please. That would be good.

Fran, I haven't seen you in, like,
two minutes. Where are you?

It's all right, I've got it.

Is that why you invited Dave?

What do you mean?

Thanks.

You know, to fuck it all up.

She hasn't seen him for five years,
Warren!

WATER BOILS

MAN GROANS
Oh, yeah... Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy... Oh...

HE COUGHS

There's literally nothing to look
forward to about the New Year.

Why are we going?

Please, let's just, you know,
pretend it's not happening.

Cos there will be a lot of fun
today, by order of our son.

It's stressing me out.
We've got to do a four-hour drive

because he's decided to drag us
all the way to fucking Dorset.

It's miles, yeah,
and the traffic will be a nightmare

at this time of year. I, erm...

I have to talk to him about a loan.

Well, how bad is it?

It's boring.
It's a liquidity problem, really.

Boring.
It's not worth talking about.

All right? It'll be nice.
It'll be a nice time.

Oh. What?

Can you not see when
you're being punished?

Are you drinking later?

Oh, no, no. Definitely not, no.

It's a day off for me.

Dry... Dry January
starts on Hogmanay.

Dry January, oh... I've had quite
enough since Christmas.

Right, are we all good?
Are we good to go?

OWL HOOTS
Oh!

Do you do that to me, do you? What?

The robot?

The robot? No, I've...never d...

..that when...

VAL LAUGHS

You don't even know who
Norman Collier is, do you, babe?

I'll get out and get all
the stuff out the boot.

We'll get that and all that in
a bit. Great. This is amazing, baby.

Your mum's going to love this.

It's like fucking Downtown.

Yeah. Oh, come on...

Hi!

Hey, baby... Hey.

Hey, baby...

Hey, how do you do?

Welcome! Hello.
You must be Mr Burstead.

Colin. And this is Val... Hi.

..our baby Jamie and...
Hello. How do you do?

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi, hi, hi.

This is Fran,
that's my older daughter.

How do you do? I'm Richard.
Welcome to Cumberland House.

Today and tonight
it is Burstead Hall.

Marvellous. Please, please,
please, come in.

OK.

Here's the left corridor,
so off you go, in there...

Where are you going?

Exploring. Oh.

This is the original
Lord Cumberland.

I actually found this painting
on eBay. Right. Yes.

He's just trying to rub
everyone's nose in it.

He's so transparent,
it's ridiculous.

PHONE BUZZES
Oh, great.

They're here in ten minutes.

Wow, a swimming pool.

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

I'm looking forward to this.

Could you hold this for me,
please? Thank you. Mm-hm.

The old man...

Oh, and there's Maya and Nikhil
as well. Yeah.

Do you think they live together?

Hello! Hi, Sandy! Ooh!

Hi!

Oh. How are you?
Mmm. I'm well.

I'm good. How about you?
Thank God you're here.

Are you all right with all
that stuff?

Good.

Look at you! Hi, Nan!
You are so grown-up. Hey.

Did I buy you that dress?

Show us the way to the...
Yes, I did.

Where's the baby?

I was just saying to Maya,
he is in bed. Do you want to...?

Oh, yes. I know, right?

They're here, Nina. They're here.
Oh, thanks, Richard.

Go through and take...

Go round to your left,
there's sort of a round room.

A round room?
Creepy picture of the Lord.

Can I help in any way?

Yeah, you could tell them
where the drinks are,

just in case they want to
get stuck in.

Eh? Oh, don't judge!

Yeah, sorry, it's always sunset
somewhere, isn't it?

There's still something going on
there. Are you all right?

Just go through
and to your left, Mum.

Oh, oh... Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Someone... Are you OK?
For fuck's sake!

My ankle, ah! Sandy, be careful
with your head as well.

Did you hit your head?
What happened? Don't move her.

It might be... Colin, help your mum!

Is she all right, yeah?

All right? All right? Yeah?

Ain't got to call an ambulance
within 30 seconds of you turning up?

I hope it's all right.

Building regs don't apply to these
old buildings, I'm afraid.

Oh, is that right, is it? Right...

I hope you've got some
public liability insurance.

Oh, I'll check straight away.

Maybe, Nikhil, you could go ahead
and check for nonregulation steps

or dodgy handrails.

We're off to a good start, aren't
we? Yeah, yeah, exactly, mate, yeah.

I'm glad you're here.
Let's get you inside.

Four hours it took to get here, you
know? Did it? Right, sorry, mate.

Your husband... I know.
You know what he's like in a crisis.

My ankle. Ow! OK.

Oh, Sandy, your coat,
it's all dirty as well.

This is terrible. Bloody hell!

Christ.

It's like a wedding cake.
My legs are cramped.

Looking good. Thanks.

Lost weight. Nerves.
But it suits you.

Oh, thanks.
Just got to nip to the loo. Busting.

Does she know Dave's coming?

Oh, fuck.

Come on, let's get you in.
Are we going too quick

or is this an all right pace?
Yeah, it's through...

If you go to the end
and go to the right,

there's one just through there.
Perfect. Thank you.

When you've got to go, you've got to
go, eh? Can we have a word later?

What, today?
A bit warmer in there, as well.

Just sooner rather than later.

Hello, Uncle Bertie.

Hi, Gini. How are you? Are you all
right? You're looking good.

Are you all right? You look a bit
green around the gills.

Something's repeating on her.

Oh, yeah?

Are you coming in?
Ah, well... Hello.

Four hours.

Yeah, I know.

LAUGHTER
OK.

Hi. Good to see you.

I just don't want to get caught up
in the festivities before we just...

Oh, you're thinking about everyone
else, sort of thing? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, no, always,
ever magnanimous, Dad.

HORN HONKS

Sorry? You fell on a step?

Well... Are you the manager here?

Yes. Oh, that's actually my...

He's Lord Cumberland.
Yes, it's my house, yes.

Yeah? Well, Lord, that step is
a deathtrap. Deathtrap.

I'm so sorry. Which one?

Front. Front door, front door.

All right, yes, yes, yes.
The one coming in!

Gosh. That's awful.
I know. I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what,
if you pop through there,

it's nice and comfortable.
I'll get the first-aid box.

Right, well, get onto that.

Are you all right, Warren?
How are you doing, mate?

Are you all right, mate?
You nearly run me over!

All right, Warren?
What are you doing, taking a shit?

No, I've got cramp in my leg.

Are you all right?

Bugger, bugger... Hi.

Lady Burstead's taken a tumble.

Oh, that was quick.

Are you all right? Are you
all right? Dodgy step, apparently.

Oh... Well, you know,
let's not jump to conclusions.

Is it in there? Oh, God.

I really, really do need to go.

Can you believe this place?

The size of the cunt!

Yeah. What, are you jealous, Dad?

Just follow me. Yeah?
Yes, carry on, everything's fine.

I'm disgusted.

Do you see that?

That is how big a brain is.

Do you want a drink?
I'll get you some ice.

Is there brandy? I don't know...
Lift it.

Isn't it better when you lift it up?

Something that big owns all this.
They don't even live in it.

They just rent it out just to...

You've been on the fucking internet
again, haven't you?

Ow, ow, ooh! Careful, careful!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Mum, Mum, stop fussing.

It is not that bad.

Erm, it's actually my leg,
not yours. How can you tell?

There we go, lavatory. OK.

Erm, enjoy.

Come the revolution,
mark my words...

HE IMITATES MACHINE-GUN SOUNDS

Come on, Warren.

Do you want me to do anything, Nan?

I'm fine, darling, just...

Are you sure? Yeah, take that.
The scarf?

That bloody wonky step.
I suppose it's 1,000 years old.

Well, yes, it is from the...

Gini! Hi!

Hello. What are you doing here?

Skivvying.

A slave for Colin?

Hello. Hey, guys!

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Give it to Jimmy. Jimmy, wind some
tape around there, would you?

I'll do it. Do you not want
taking up the hospital?

Just let her sit with it.
If you're... It's fine.

You might have broken it.

If you're all all right, maybe I'll
go and have a look at the step.

I really, really wouldn't bother.

Is this all yours, is it?
I'll hold your hand.

Yes, yes, it is. Yes.

Are you a lord?

Well, erm, yes. Yes.

I suppose I am.

It's good to see the
feudal system's alive and well.

Yes, yes.

How do you feel about having
all the plebs round your house?

It's actually nice to have some life
here, actually.

I'm just going to...

Yeah, that's good, that's good.
Yeah?

Does anybody want a drink?

New Year is always...

Yeah, OK, OK.

Yeah, New Year's always shit, mate.

HE GRUNTS

Friend of the family.
Just making up the numbers. Yeah.

Fuck me, this is a nice house.

Uncle Bertie, how are you?
All right.

How was the drive?
Bertie ain't dead? No, I'm OK.

How was the drive?

Fucking long. Yeah.

Richard, have you seen my husband?
Sorry, no, erm...

But we could go and look for him
if you'd like.

I'm not impressed with this place.
Are you?

Oh, you're not? No.

Bedsit sort of geezer, ain't you,
Dad?

Well, I've adapted to it, you know?

Your mum's better off
with the house.

Anyway, so we'll start here.
This is the reception room.

Ooh, look, there's alcohol
over there.

Do you want a drink? I would.

Amazing. Yes, isn't that lovely?

It's very hot in here.
It is, isn't it? Yes.

Well, you know, don't you? What?

Well, Jackie and I separated.

Oh, yes, of course. Yeah.
I'm sorry about that.

No, it's all right. Yeah.

I bet you feel like Santa Claus
has shat down your chimney,

really, rather than come down
with a present.

Good.

Life goes on, you know?
New Year, new start.

Hmm... Nice.

Sunken pond and sun patio,

surrounded by the ornamental garden.

Actually, Churchill and Roosevelt
planned the D-Day landings here.

Interesting.

Well, actually
they didn't plan them.

That was obviously
Monty and Eisenhower,

but I'm sure they had
a few drinks here.

Fucking two sinks.

Eh?

You've gone very serious.

I invited David.

It was meant to be a surprise but...

No, no...
Warren said maybe to let you know.

I'm not loaning you a load of money.

Will you think about it?
It's pointless.

You're just going to lose it.
And I've thought about it, Dad.

It's a no, OK?

You won't even tell me
what the trouble is.

You lent money to David, right?

Look, I just don't want to
drag you down with the details,

but just to say that it is
very complicated

and it is busting my head with it.

All right, I have something to say.

Even though I don't see you
very often,

not as often as I would hope...

I'm not going to pour good money
after bad. It's pointless.

..I just wanted to say
I love you all,

and as family means
the world to me....

Now, I'm not very well,

and I don't want to
drag you all down,

but I probably won't make it
to next New Year,

so I just wanted to say goodbye

and have one last lovely New Year
with you all.

Last lovely New Year with you all.

So, no tears.
Let's not make it all about me.

Erm...

I just wanted to see my family
one last time.

Hugs, tears, goodbye...

Bertie bows out.

Good. Good.

Very good.

Right, party time.
BERTIE EXHALES

Yeah. The gardens are nice, though.

Yeah, fucking massive.

Well, that's got to be a record.
Only 20 minutes in, shots exchanged.

Christ.

The old man looked rattled.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, I told my mum about David.

Oh, yeah? What did she say?

A bit blank.
I don't know why I bother, really.

Help me.

I am helping...by not helping.

How is not helping helping?

That is just not helping!

Yeah, the rooms are nice.

We haven't looked at ours yet.

Helping you
by helping the situation.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I don't follow that.

Oh, God.

The problem is not the problem.

The problem is you.

Oh...

You want to lecture me on graft?
Graft?

I never stingied a moment
in years and years.

If you're talking about wasting,
wasting time,

wasting money is spending money
on this kind of bouf.

Spending money on something
I actually want to do

for the whole family...
This is a stunt!

..rather than just pouring money
in your direction. Showing off!

You don't need to pour money
in my direction, you just...

You're going to ruin this night
over this, aren't you?

I'm not going to ruin it.
I'll try not to ruin it.

Eh? "I'll try not to ruin it."
It was ruined from day one when...

You're the only one who has to
try not to ruin something.

Look, your mother has hurt herself.

She's hurt herself.
I have to go back there.

I thought we'd have a quiet chat
and we would sort that.

I could tell how concerned you were
about her during this conversation.

Now, there's something that...
Just leave it.

MUFFLED ARGUING

Oh, he's off. Where's my dad going?
He's off for a little walk.

Thanks for that.
Oh, are we done, are we? Yeah?

Is that...?

I'm going to get back
to everyone else.

He don't look happy, does he?
No, no.

SIGHING

Oh. Oh.

STIFLED GIGGLING

WIND HOWLS

TOILET FLUSHES

Ah-hah. Gin and tonic for the lady.
Thank you.

I've got to admit,
I do feel like I'm intruding a bit.

You know, it's just family,
isn't it, today?

God, no, I insisted you come!

I need someone on my side.

If you're sure... Yeah.
Come on, let's get you back.

Oh... Come on.

HE GROANS

Is Colin taking the fucking piss?

What?

Who's got two single beds?

We're in a castle!

How many rooms in here?
100 rooms and he puts us in here?

Stand up straight.
Can you touch the thing? Yeah!

So you know the family?

Yeah, yeah, so I was at school
with Colin,

and I've known Sandy and Gordon
since I was little.

Oh, he didn't tell me that.

Oh, OK.

Have you done a lot of these?

No, no, this is my first.

It's nice to meet you.

Yeah.

You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Oh. Uncle Bertie, yes.

Yeah, I've just been Colin-ed.

Well, make it a large one.

To the family.

To the family. Best to you. Yeah.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy... Yeah.

So, how have you been keeping?

A little quiet since Sally died.
Yeah.

I go up and down to the shops,
surf the internet for the news,

the occasional flutter on the DGs...
Mm-hm.

..and go quietly mad.

Colin? Colin.

Behind this door...

Yeah, you're... You are useless.
What?

Your poor mum on the floor.

Oh, come on, it's typical.

Typical?

Hello, Sham. Are you all right?
Glad you could make it, mate.

All right, Colin, Val? I wouldn't
miss it for the world. Erm...

Do you know where the toilet is?
I'd love a shit.

OK, yeah, I do.
It's through those doors over there.

Just there? All right. All right,
mate. We'll catch up later, yeah?

All right, mate. See you later.
Great stuff.

What the fuck is he doing here?

I don't know. Didn't you invite him?
No, I invited his mum and dad.

Yeah.

Bullshit.

PHONE BUZZES
Hold on.

Colin Burstead.

Uh-huh. Oh, right.

Disco. Right.

Yeah.

TOILET FLUSHES
Oh...

What, and you tell me
on the day, mate?!

Our disco people have let us down.
Have you got any...?

Is there any, erm...? Erm...

I don't know, music,
just a music system.

Do you know what?
I think I might have something.

There we go.

Excellent. Right, yes... Christ.

Let's see. Ah.

All right, is it all under
this gear? Right. There she is.

Is that a light, is it?
It is a light.

That was actually left here
by a rock concert

that we had a little while ago.

It actually goes with the music
if you set it right. OK.

So we can...

We'll be able to work that out
and it should be fine. Great.

Ta-da!

Right. I have got a job for that.

I mean, God,
he is such a tight-arse.

He's not. He's saving you.

He's saving his money.

The family is a body -
head and arms.

It's not a body.
How is it like a body?

Just... Just follow my thinking.

What are you doing here?

Oh... Happy New Year to you, too.

You are not supposed to be here.

Colin is helping you
by not giving you money.

The more money you get,
the bigger the fuck-up. Oh, well...

Just chill out, I'm just...

I'm hanging. I'm not doing
anything here. Hanging?

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
What?

Mum, I'm all right. Trust me.

Just... Shh.

Maybe you'd better dress it up.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Are you all right, sis?

Are you all right, Jim-Bob?

Ow! Ouch!

Oh, shit!

The Sandy Show, eh?

How's the king?

Well, he's out there
getting plastered.

How are you doing? Are you
all right? Really good, thanks.

Are you all right?

Bloody medieval step.

I'm going to sue him.

Who?

That lord. Little Lord Funtington.

Cumberland? Haw-haw!

He didn't half look familiar,
you know?

Hmm...
Jimmy, can you give us a hand, mate?

I've got to get a load of stuff out
of this shed. What? It's just...

Can you give us a hand? I just need
to get some stuff. Jesus.

It's the manor. He's so stressed.
SHE CHUCKLES

This all should have been
done ages ago, all this stuff.

Well done, boys. Nice one. Blimey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I've got it, I've got it.

You got it? I've got it.
Where do you want to put it?

Erm...
Well, in the...in the bedroom.

Well, in the...in the disco room.
In the ballroom.

Here you are, Mum.
I've got you a car.

Oh, brilliant! I'm very sorry
about the step as well. Sorry.

Don't worry, Your Lordship.
I'll be tapping you for ten grand.

Oh...

Oh, he thinks you're serious!
That's a joke, mate.

Ooh! Ah!

Gin and tonic?

No, just my bag, please.

Can you see it?

Ha!

Mobile.

Hey. Hey, that's terrific, Speedy.

Do you know they have a...they have
a swimming pool through here?

Mm-hm. Yeah, he's really pushed
the boat out, our Colin.

SHE SIGHS

The sandwiches are a bit tired
as well.

She's here, look.

David shouldn't be coming here.

Yeah, well, that was
supposed to be a surprise.

Well, it fucking is.

Yeah, and he's bringing
Paula number two.

Really? Who told you that? Gini.

Shammy! Fucking hell. Are you
all right? How are you doing, mate?

How are you doing, mate?
Yeah, I'm good.

There's... Oh, very nice.

And, yeah, they've been together now
for five years, apparently.

And, of course, she's German.

Well, that is news.

Yeah, well, this is going to be
a massacre.

Did you used to go out with her?
Yeah.

With her?
Yeah, for, like, a year, actually.

Come here, Sad Face.

Mmm...

That's so random. I know.

Proper random she's here, isn't it?
Yeah.

Proper coincidence.

Am I the problem?

Of course.

We built them -

if they're nasty to us,
it's our fault.

That's how it works.

SHE GULPS

They keep looking at me.

Oh. I wonder what he's told
them about you.

Well, I don't know,
because I've barely met them.

This is really hard.
My face is aching from smiling.

If you need to duck out, text me.
I'll come and find you.

Yeah, I just... I didn't know that
he was going to be here.

Yeah. Oh, it looks like
they're here.

Shall we meet and greet?

No, no. If he wants me,
he can come and find me.

Well, he's not supposed to be.

Text me if you need me.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

ENGINE RUMBLES

This is Hannah.

Hi.

Hey. Good to see you.

I didn't know you were coming.
It's a surprise.

Do I look all right?
You look beautiful.

I don't look too, kind of,
worried or...?

No. No? OK.
Are you OK in that chair?

I'm fine in this chair.
This chair is great.

Look, I can go up and I can go down.
Can you do a wheelie?

OK, shall we try?
THEY LAUGH

Actually, don't, because we don't
want any more injuries.

SHE PANTS

I'm going to be sick!

See you later. See you.

Are you OK?

Got a new one?

Fucking player.

It's beautiful here.

All right, let's go
and find a good room. Yeah.

So five-a-side, yeah?
Do you want to play for my team?

What, instead of...?
What, do I have to?

Yeah, we've got a space
come up - goalkeeper.

I'm more of a sweeper,
right-back, left-back.

Do you play in goal?

What happened?

You didn't tell me
he was turning up.

I'm so sorry, Paula,
I just found out myself.

She's turning up in a couple of
hours. She's bringing the kids.

WIND HOWLS

It's supposed to be a treat.

Selfish...

Looks all right.

Can I get you a cup of tea
or something?

Oh, God. A gin and tonic, please.

Oh-ho-ho, yeah. This'll do.

Paula, I'm so sorry.
I just didn't think.

It was meant to be... It was meant
to be a surprise for my mum.

Did you invite him?

Yeah, but it was a surprise

so I just didn't think about
anybody else.

It was a surprise.
Why didn't you tell me?

Let's not...
It wasn't about anybody else.

Don't worry,
they're going to love you.

Let's not let it spoil things.

I'm more worried about you.

PAULA COUGHS
Val's got some lovely food
and, you know...

Colin arranged the caterer.

Sweetheart, don't...

Fran.

They're not as bad as I said.

I was just making them sound
more exciting.

Well, you said they were
all arseholes.

Well, it might get a bit more rowdy
than you're used to, that's all.

It's never your fault, is it?

PAULA SOBS
No flies on you.

We'll keep the kids away from it,
all right?

HANNAH LAUGHS

David...

..I don't trust you.

Excuse me... Where are you going?

I'm going to go and find your dad.

I've never seen you nervous before.

It was supposed to be a surprise...

Could you bring my gin, please,
Maya?

Yeah, I've got it, I've got it...

Fuck. Careful, careful.

Well, there's a reason I've not
been back for five years, darling.

Mm-hm.

We've all done things in our pasts
that we're ashamed of.

Let me open that for you.

Never her fault. Just, just...
Never, ever her fault.

Ugh! What are you doing?

WAVES LAPPING

Hm-hm...

What's that?

That's Fran, Colin's daughter.

She's had enough already.

Are you a swimmer, Warren? Nah.

You?

Yeah.

Your dad's looking all right.
You know, you know...

Yeah. That sounds like David.

Oh, here we go. Unleash hell.

Are you all right?

I'm fucking great.

Hey, little sis.

Hello.

You're looking well.

You, too.

I'm Hannah. Pleased to meet you.

Hey.

Hi, Uncle Bertie.

David. Hi, Warren.

Are you all right?

It's very nice to see you back.

Mmm. Well, it's...
Nobody said you were coming.

Nobody seemed to know I was coming.

It's a... It was a surprise
for Mum. Oh, right, yeah. Well...

Yeah, Gini invited me. Yeah.

Oh, right.
I'm surprised to see you here.

I'm not sorry.

Nice one.

Surprised? Yeah.

Well, you know, can't go and
hide out all the time, can you?

You've got to man up
and face these things eventually.

Yeah, I suppose,

but it's sometimes good to
keep a low profile -

you know,
let the storm wash the plates.

Right, well, if you ever disappear,

we'll know what's happened,
then, won't we?

WARREN CHUCKLES
Have you seen...?

Oh, this is Uncle Bertie and this is
Warren, my husband, sorry.

Sorry, this is Hannah, Bertie.
Nice to meet you.

Very nice to see you.
I'm Warren. Nice to meet you.

Hello, Warren. Hello.

Have you seen Mum or Dad yet?

Not yet, no.

Are you talking to people?

Er... No.

Baby, you're the host.

Yeah, but I've got stuff to
sort out. Like what?

Like the disco bollocks.
That's the priority, is it?

Yeah, well, we get them oiled up
and then they dance,

otherwise they fight,

so we want to have
a good time, yeah? Yeah.

Disco, disco! Yeah?

Yeah.

VAL LAUGHS

Where did you two meet?

Oh, Hannah's a famous techno DJ.
HE IMITATES TECHNO BEATS

No, I'm a microbiologist.
We met at a conference.

Where do you want it?

Just put it in the middle for now.
Right.

Oh, are you going to go now,
Jim, are you? Yeah.

Thank you for your help.

No-one really gives a shit
about my feelings.

Yes, they do.

Then why would Gini invite David?

You've already had a row with Colin.
It's hopeless.

So... Sprechen die Deutsch?

HE REPLIES IN GERMAN
Well, this isn't bad...

It's difficult but it's coming on.
Very good.

Very good. But it's the language of
love, isn't it, darling?

Yeah.

That's French. Yeah.

That's true. Isn't it French?

No, it is French. It is French.

It is not comparable.
Do you speak French?

Just a little bit but...

You don't speak French, do you?
No. I kiss that way.

Being a happy family is all a bit
sentimental to you lot, isn't it?

You know, why bother?
You'd all rather have a ruck.

Yeah, well, let them get it out.

It's so fractured. If there needs to
be a bit of blood-letting...

All right, all right.
..then so be it.

She has spoken.

You need to get your house in order.

Kicking off over there, look.
LAUGHTER

David shouldn't be here, and poor
Paula is crying out the back.

What, David should leave?
He's just arrived.

He came specially. It's too much.

He can come back to ours tomorrow
if he wants to see us.

I mean... But he won't listen to me.

Get Colin to do it.
It's not rocket science.

David, erm...

Yes. Just a second.

WHISPERING: You say your hellos. I'm
going to have a look at the garden.

What? Are you sure?

Yeah, I think it's going to be
much easier without me.

This is a surprise for my mum.

You go and talk to your
mother and father.

Oh, you devil.

Cheers. Cheers.

Auf Wiedersehen. I'm sorry, erm...

No.

You're the boss, remember?

Right, I'll do it.

I've already had to eat a load of
shite off Colin today.

It's a fucking castle.

You're in a one-bed...
You're in a one-bed flat...

That's got nothing to do with it.

Bringing it all down, isn't she?

Right, what's the matter?

All right?
Yeah, this is a bit sore.

LOUD POP
Oh! Oh, God!

Do you, erm, want to...?

Hello, hello.

Ah!

Ah... Hi.

So, I'm here with David.

Oh, OK. I'm Hannah.

Yeah. Are you having fun?

No.

What are you hiding there?

Nothing.

Can I have some?

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

HANNAH INHALES

SHE COUGHS,
LAUGHTER

Hey.

All right, Dad? How are you?

Son, erm...

Are you good?

Yeah, bearing up, bearing up.

How was the trip?

Fine.

Look, let's call a truce
on this thing, eh? What?

Let's call a truce on the thing.
No, I am not thinking about it, OK?

Well, I am but I'm not...

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right... It's good to see you.

I'd better go and rescue your mother
from Uncle Bertie.

Yeah. Yeah.

SWITCH CLICKS

Yeah... Son?

Cheer up, you cunt.

It's not right, this, is it?

No, it's not. It's not. Erm...

I don't know what to do about it.
I can't see the edges of it.

WHIRRING

I will sort it out, I promise.

What, you'll write it off?

No, I'll sort it out some other way.

So, how?

Some other way.

A repayment plan.
HE SCOFFS

That sounds expensive.

Well, it's only money, isn't it?

Yeah, but that's what
I was thinking.

No, you were thinking
it's only my money.

PAULA SOBS

You'd better say hello to
your mother.

Is she still upset?

No, she's fine.

SHE SOBS
Come here, eh? Thank you.

Where is she?
Does she know I'm here?

No, she's here, yeah,
but she's in a wheelchair.

How long has she been
in a wheelchair for?

About 15 minutes.

What's in here? I've been there.

Oh... In there. What?

It's just a corner, a private space
where you can get your crying done.

Really? You know,
away from the party and the...

It's a bit cold.
Yeah, but, you know...

Are you sure?
I know you need your space.

OK. I know what it's like.

I'll be down to check on you
in a bit. OK.

Oh, brilliant. Yeah.

Fucking hell...

Aye, I know you meant well.

Are you angry at me?

But... No, I'm not angry.

I'm dealing with it.
It's not your fault.

Everybody else seems to think it is.

How long do you reckon it'd take us
to get a place like this?

Old money, bruv.

Obviously. Definitely.
We're no further than 1066.

I'm not going to let this country
hold me back.

You know what I mean?
It's like a target for me.

This? Where are you at the moment?

Sales at Computech, yeah,
so...in Guildford.

What, cold calling? Nah.
What do you mean cold calling? Fuck.

Your brother has been holding forth
in the oval room.

OK.

Yeah, he needs to be talked to.

I take home, like, 130K annum,
after tax.

Why are you wearing that jacket,
then?

What, do you want me to talk to him?
About what?

Well, he needs to stop
upsetting people.

SHE LAUGHS
I'm still plastering.

People are always going to want
protection from unwanted intrusions.

Yeah, totally.
You know, so a need is a need.

People are always going to need
people to smooth shit over as well.

True.

You want him to leave, Dad?
That's a bit off.

This one, yeah. Go on.

Perfect.

This is his family
and, yes, I love him. Yeah.

But, yes...

So to leave?

Yeah.

You're so blunt, Colin.
You know, just...

Just talk to him. Just give him
a nudge, you know, erm...

Like what?

Yeah, well, you know,
paint a picture, tell him a story.

Like... Like the, erm...

The family is a body and if one
part of that doesn't, you know...

What?!

I'll be all right in a minute.

Here, have a sip of gin.

Why didn't you stop me?

I don't know why you bother
with this. Too much energy.

With what?

Trying to be part of this.

It's my family.

Oh, Paula, are you OK?

Yeah, do you know?
Make him think that it's his idea.

Yeah, it's psychology. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sounds doomed to failure, Dad,
but if that's your wish...

Will you do it? Yes, I said I would.

Colin just said to stay in here
cos he thinks it's quiet

and away from things a bit.

What do you mean it's quiet
and away from things?

Like, what's he put you in here for?

Well, he just said to stay in here

and, you know, he can be
quite persuasive so...

What do you mean?

What, and you...and you just went
along with it?

I think he was just...

Are you OK? I think he was just
thinking of me and...

I don't think he was
thinking of you.

I think it was about my feelings...

Erm...

Fuck it, I'm not... I'm not hiding.

Ahem.

What has he got you locked away
in here for?

Is that all right?
Yeah, you look beautiful.

Come on, then. Right, let's go
somewhere with a higher ceiling.

So, what, are you going to
talk to David on your own?

Yeah, I was going to, yeah.

What are you drinking? Just a Coke.

Do you want a little Bacardi in it?

I don't think Dad would be
very happy if you did that.

Ask someone else to come with you.
Like who?

Got yourself a boyfriend yet? No.

No? No.

Like Jimmy. We could save him
from Fran or something.

What's he talking to her about?

Oh, hello, Bertie.
All right? Cheer up, Colin.

How's school?

Brilliant. Really looking forward to
the massive crash of the economy.

Oh, come on...
You know it was about democracy.

I'm the good Brexit -
the Tony Benn Brexit.

Not Sham. Sham's an idiot.
Don't ask Sham.

Well, it's his fault. It seems
there's no choice. Seems like the...

Fuck Labour and fuck the Tories.

Does that make it clearer for you?

Dave?

SWITCH CLICKS

LOUD THUMPING ELECTRONICA PLAYS

All right, Gini?

Dad's walking around
like someone's just

taken a massive shit in his mouth.
DAVID LAUGHS

I see you're working
your magic again.

Well...

LOUD THUMPING ELECTRONICA CONTINUES

Party's starting!

What are you doing here?

You make it sound like
I'm not welcome.

No, I wouldn't say that.

But, yeah, you're not.

I enjoy candour, but fuck off.

Shammy! How are you doing, mate?
I'm all right, man.

All right? I'm all right, yeah.

Just having a little boogie,

a little skank in there, yeah.
Get on that.

Yeah, come on, let's get a drink.
All right, man. David... Mm-hm.

..when I look at you,
I do just think, "Cunt."

And that's not going to change
tonight, bruv.

LOUD CLICK

Have I had a stroke?

Don't panic, anyone!
It's perfectly normal. OK?

Everyone, be quiet, follow me
and I can get you all torches on.

Everyone, OK, follow me. Just follow
the carpets. The carpets...

Blown fuse.

Two minutes, OK?

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

SWITCH CLICKS
Oh, fuck.

It happens every now and again.
It's just the fuses.

You know, old house...
We're trying to get pissed, mate.

It's New Year's Eve.
I'm so sorry. Find Jimmy.

Sorry, I've got candles. Mate, mate,
mate, mate, I'm an electrician.

Just step off and do it.

That'd be great. Yes.

For God's sake, this is a nightmare!
Here, here, here...

You've got a blown fuse, mate.
Just fucking...

I just panic, you know,
and I overthink everything.

I'm in my own head, you know?
That must be horrible.

Hello?

Don't even talk to me.

I was invited.

What was I supposed to do?

THEY TAP RHYTHMICALLY

But actually, I don't know, man.
I think it's, like,
a confidence thing.

Like, out on the outwards,
I'm like...

Look, I don't really need you to
have loads of confidence, mate.

I just need you to be there
with me so it doesn't look like

I'm making the move.
You know what I mean?

It's something that more than
one person wants to act.

Yeah, but what...but you are going
to ask Dave to leave, though?

I'll do all the talking.

It'll just be better
if there's two of us, OK?

This could be like fucking petrol
on a bonfire, mate.

Hey! Who's this supposed to be?

Hey, mate!

How are you doing, Colin? Yeah,
I'm just trying to fucking find...

We're in a maze. How to get these
lights back on, yeah.

Oh, there you are, you stupid sod.

I feel like I've been here before.

Please, can you please fix it?
Please?

I've definitely been here before.
Right.

The kids are going to be here
in a minute. It's horrible.

All right, Colin,
you're just saying,

"Stop being a pussy and just do it."

Is that what you're saying to me?
That's exactly what I'm saying.

Back in the 1990s,
you had a rave here.

I'm saying if something needs to
be done, don't think, act.

JIMMY IMITATES TECHNO BEATS

OK, are you with me?

Yeah.

I... I don't... Yeah.

You were selling mushrooms
and you sold me some pills as well.

No.

And they were dud.

Were they? Shit.

I really don't think...
Done fuck all.

I had a shit night, that night.
That wasn't me, that wasn't me.

It couldn't have been me.
I don't do that.

Water under the bridge.

Thanks.

Let there be light.

SWITCH CLICKS
Oh!

Ah! I'm cured.

LOUD ELECTRONICA PLAYS

Thank you, thank you.
This fucking house...

Fucking...fuck you.

..quotes?

Yeah, but it might depend on
how long you've been here.

Yeah, but I think if you're...
then you can vote.

All right, brother?

Hey.

I was wondering when I'd see you.

I'm not hiding.
How's it all going?

Good, good.

Your ex-missus is in the kitchen
trying not to throw up.

How is she?

Yeah, all good.

I know what's going on here.
Yeah? What's going on what?

This has the dread hand of Gordon
across it, bruv.

Well, we are a family, David.

We all talk,

and all I've had today is a lot of
unhappy people moaning at me,

and it seems like you're
the main topic of conversation.

Well, I never went out of my way to
fuck things up

but...I'm not perfect, Colin.

Things happen. It's complicated.

Yeah, it is, mate -
well complicated.

Well, it's more complicated than
it's been painted, yeah. Right.

Well, shall I simplify it for you
from my end?

Go for your life.

Right, well,
you married one woman, Paula,

and you put your penis in her
vagina, and she had some babies.

Then, contrary to the contract
you agreed on about not sticking

your penis into other ladies,
you went and did it,

and you got caught,

and you left your wife and children,
seven and five,

and fucked off with the other lady,

then seemingly dumped her,
absconded to the Fatherland,

and now you rock up
with your new fraulein.

Hannah.

Hannah.

I mean...that is right.

Yeah.

Well, in your reductive, childlike
world, I guess it is, yeah.

Your lot are coming round
in a minute.

Have you seen them recently,
your children,

the boy one and the girl one?

Are you trying to upset me?

Yeah, I'm trying to get a reaction,
yeah. I want to see it.

Well, you're not going to see it.

What happened's bad,

I'm bad,

but if you want me to fuck off
and live in a hole,

it's not going to happen.

This is my family, too,
and I want to see them.

Surely you see how that plays out.
Yeah?

We are investing
in the idea of a family.

We are trying and you are saying,
"Fuck all that. Do what you want.

"Bollocks to them. I know better.
And what's more, fuck them!

"I'll take all their nice shit
like warmth and family,

"while swanning about and
hurting everyone's feelings."

You know how well that goes down,
mate?

Badly. I do.

That's right!

And in the meantime,

you're fucking menacing the old man
about a business debt.

What are you even doing
lending him money, anyway?

He needed it. Oh, right,

and you're like a Good Samaritan,
are you, David?

No, I know the way you fucking
operate, mate.

You only lend money to
profit yourself.

I can't believe you sunk so low
to fucking lend it to him!

Have you fucking finished?

Yeah!

DAVID CHUCKLES

GLASS THUDS

Here you go, baby.

I hate adrenaline.
It makes me feel sick.

All right? Yeah.

You know, you did...
You did the right thing, mate.

Yeah? Thanks. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What a fucking hero.

Yeah, man.

Someone had to bloody say it,
and no-one else was going to

bloody say it, were they?

I told him to fuck off earlier.
I did, too.

You invited him, Gin!

So?!

COLIN LAUGHS

Oh, dear...

SIGHING

Jimmy...

You've got to get him back.
This is not... This is awful.

It's really bad.
Go and get him back.

JIMMY EXHALES
Oh, Christ.

It's not really got anything to do
with me, has it?

Listen, you have to.
Gordon's not going to do anything.

He's fucking paralysed.

We have to nudge this back together.

Oh, I really don't know...

This is supposed to be
a celebration.

I didn't drive four fucking hours
to sit here in misery.

And this is my family - I get to see
them about once a year if I'm lucky.

Now, this, it's chaos... OK.

JIMMY EXHALES

It's very upsetting.

Very difficult for me to handle.

THUMPING ELECTRONICA PLAYS

Hannah!

I'm going to the pub!

OK! Why?

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

They're all pricks.
Let's tell them to fuck off already.

Yeah!

HANNAH LAUGHS

SHE EXHALES

Where's this pub?

I saw it on the way in.

Wankers.

I like them.

Fuck. Why?

DOG BARKS
I like seeing people
getting on your nerves.

It's good for you.

How's that?

I'm starting to see the real you,
the scared you.

The running away me.

Did you sort the thing out
with your father?

Let him stew.

Are you torturing him?

Yeah.

David!

You are bad.

DOOR OPENS

What the...? Lainey, why are you
here? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, Sham? Huh?

All right, all right, you got me.
I knew you'd be here.

Yeah, I know that.

OK, all right, I want to
ask you a question.

I'm working.

Will you marry me? Oh, my God.
Please, don't...

Are you kidding?
Don't answer yet. Just hold it.

I think I will answer. Don't... No.

No.

No, no, no. Don't answer yet. Don't.
I just did answer.

I said no, Sham.

All right, fuck's sake,
Lainey, listen,

ever since you left me,
I've been desperate, all right?

I know it's not attractive
but it's a very strong emotion.

I'm very desperate for you...
You're being really weird, Sham.

I'm not being weird.
Yes, you are, OK? It's not weird.

You can't just turn up here
while I'm working!

Can't you see that that's wrong? OK?
Now, we went out, yeah?

And we had fun,
but it ran its course.

Look, you're an incredible lover.
Really?

Yeah, yeah.
I mean, yeah, yeah, I am.

Well, yeah, I guess...
Yeah, I am. I am.

You are the most sensual person
that I have ever met,

but, you know, the spark,
it's just...it's not there.

We can relight the spark.
We can just reignite it.

No, we can't. That's not the point.
I never got closure.

What do you mean you never
got closure? We never got closure

on our relationship. I can't nurse
you through this break-up.

That is not my responsibility.

All right?

I know you obviously haven't gotten
over me yet, and that's fine.

I have. You haven't gotten over me,
Lainey, obviously.

Don't try that with me, OK?
You knew I'd be here.

No, I did not know that you'd be
here. This is my fucking work.

Now, get out of my kitchen!

All right, don't worry.
I'll be fine.

Don't you worry about me, all right?

What do you think?

HANNAH EXHALES
I want to know, all the time...

Why did you bring me here?

You've lost the most sensual
lover you ever fucking had.

Go! All right.

I thought I was all right with
never seeing any of them

ever again, but then Dad showed up.

You got him involved in that
terrible deal.

Are you all right?

Oh, hey. Yeah.

Why? Why did you do that?

To punish him, surely?
HE SNORTS

Well, no. Not intentionally.

But as it turns out...

Did you hear what he said? No.

No? OK, well, if you did,
don't tell anyone, please.

That's between you and me.

Because his parents are here
and stuff, and that's equally

really uncomfortable,
but he just proposed to me.

Wow. It's ridiculous.

Not really. I...

Sorry.

And you brought me to do what?

Prove to me what a shit you can be?

Cos I already know that, David.

HE CHUCKLES

What?

No...

Just taking in all the impressions.

Cheers. Prost.

I think you're a little puppy
shitting on everyone, David.

Danke schoen, Schatz.

Well, he had to go, I suppose.

That took a nice big pair of
bollocks, mate.

I don't think I've got them.

LOUD GRIME MUSIC PLAYS

Doing the right thing
takes bollocks sometimes.

Too big, and that cannot be.

Everyone's too busy
calling me a cunt.

I think I'm pretty modest about
my triumphs, to be fair.

Yeah, you are, Col. Modest is your
middle name, isn't it?

You've got a nice relationship with
Jimmy, Ed. Don't lose that, mate.

Yeah, he's good. Good lad.

Why don't these things
ever just go normally?

I need a drink!

LOUD GRIME CONTINUES

I feel pretty sick, to be honest.

I didn't expect to see Lainey here.

Do you know Lainey?

Yeah, yeah, her and Colin used to
go out when they were a bit younger.

Yeah, did you not know?
Yeah, of course I did.

Yeah, I think he's probably
just got her here.

I think she's just been
through a divorce

so he's probably just
helping her out.

That's nice of him.

HE EXHALES
Colin went too high.

And when you go high,
there's nowhere else to go.

This kind of thing happens
once a decade.

It's just a readjustment.

I might go and find
a stout length of rope.

Get in on it!

You just need to take a little
chill pill now, I think.

Thanks for all your advice, Jim.

It's a bit like Jeremy Kyle
and shit. It's a bit...

Thank you very much, John Lennon.

If anyone else wants more,
I'm happy to serve it up.

That is a problem,
that kind of talk.

Colin, sometimes use
the small, little voice

and not always, like,
the loud, raging voice.

Yeah, you listen to the little voice
a lot, don't you, Sham?

Try counting to ten
before you speak.

You try it. I'll look retarded.

Retarded is off the menu. Is it?

Great, I'll say that all day long.
Well, you shouldn't.

Oh, God, I'm exhausted already. Mmm.

Try a little bit of, like, lavender
on your pillow before you go to bed.

Is that what you do, Warren, is it?
Is that how to send you off? Yeah.

Most people would have fired her out
of a cannon into a wall by now,

wouldn't they? There you go.

Colin, you're like a bull
in a china shop, please...

Joking, joking.

Your mother was looking for you.

I saw you talking to Lainey.

Yeah, well, we're adults, Dad.
We still talk. It's...

You know what I mean?
We were worried.

Hey, how's your foot?

Bloody painful.

Little Jamie boy!

SHE HUMS POP GOES THE WEASEL

Listen, I got over her months ago.
Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm way beyond that. Good.

I'm cool. Good. I'm good.

You can hold him if you want.

With my back?

I fell over outside, remember?

No, no, no... Silly Mummy.

My baby days are over.

I fucking love you lot.
You know I do. Mmm.

I really appreciate you both.

Are you being naughty?

BABY GURGLES
He's a baby, Sandy.

Mmm. David was naughty
from the start.

He came out naughty.

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE
AND HUMS A TUNE

I think I just feel like
we should be, like,

honest with each other, you know?

There's just so much bullshit
and lies in the world,

and I want what you guys have.

I want to have this special
relationship one day.

I want to just be honest, OK? I...

Yeah, well... Mum, I smoke.

THEY LAUGH
I've smoked for ages.

As if I don't know you smoke.

OK, well, I've, like...
Opening the bathroom window and...

Well, I've done...
Well, I haven't done drugs...

Well, I've seen people
do cocaine before. I've seen it.

I've seen it... Who? Who?

Just mates and that. Yeah, well,
who, mates? Bob. Bob and that.

Bob and that?

Bob. Mostly the white people.

I always thought his eyes
were dilated, no? Yeah, OK.

And you've stayed clear of this?
I've never done drugs, OK?

But I've seen people do drugs.
Never? Never, ever done drugs, OK?

OK. I just want to be honest, OK?
I think it's... OK.

It's New Year's, you know, and...

You know I told you
I had seven GCSEs?

I got Sunny to make me
a fake document.

Really I've got three GCSEs, OK?
Barely.

Now, well, I know you hadn't
read Of Mice And Men.

No, because it's boring, Mum.
There's enough honesty.

I've been with a black girl before.

I don't want to know all this, OK?
I'm your mother. She was Somalian.

Yeah, OK, Muslim as well.

I'm sorry.

Happy New Year. I really love you
both so much. Yeah, yeah, OK.

Happy New Year, darl. Sorry, sorry.

Don't be sorry.
Why do you keep saying sorry? Sorry.

I swear to God, the way he left
that room, you know, cackling,

he was like a fucking laughing Nazi.
Did you see him?

He's out of order.
He's fucking out of order.

It's how he speaks to people. It's
how he's always spoken to people.

The sound of his own voice...

He's got, like, it's a weird power
thing that he does.

He puts people down. A power thing?
You should see the size of our room.

Exactly. We're in a fucking castle -

you should see the size of our room.
Mine's lovely. I've got two sinks.

You don't run your old man down,
do you? That a rule, isn't it?

How are we doing, Captain?

Oh, we're limping along but the ship
is listing, all right.

Oh...

Colin is just going
way over the top.

You shouldn't let him talk
about you like that.

Yeah, well,
it's not like it isn't true,

because I...I am finished.

I mean, he's a...
You need a leader, right?

You need somebody who's going to
be a figurehead.

Yeah, that's the way of it.
Gordon is the big dog.

He made him.

Oh, come on, this is not the Gordon
I know talking.

Yeah, well, he's gone now.
He's gone.

He has hit the buffers.

Come on... Washed up.

He needs telling.
Someone should say something.

What, like an intervention
for his own good?

Right, more sangaritas.

Sangria.

Sangaritas. What?

It's sangria and margaritas.
It's a mix. I made it up.

Oh, you made it up?
Get with the times.

To the dance floor. The Gay Gordons,
I like the Gay Gordons.

GRIME MUSIC BLARES

But I need something! All right!

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Fucking hell!

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

THEY CHEER

You're as tactful as ever.

Well, I didn't want to do it.
I got told to. Gordon?

GRIME MUSIC BLARES

Here's to fathers.
GLASS CLINKS

How's the old nut, the old man?

He loves it,
being centre of attention.

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Here, have a drink.

I love family dos.

Come back!

You OK, baby? I'm a wreck. I need to
calm down, my heart's going
to explode.

Well, stop having a go at people,
then. I need a run.

Go and make sure Dave's all right.

Yeah, all right. Get him back here,
will you? We need to sort this out.

WOODWIND MUSIC PLAYS

HE COUGHS AND WRETCHES

Sham! Hello. How you doing, mate?
You all right? Yeah.

Can I get a drag? Of what? That.

Thank you.

Peanuts? Crisps?
No, I'm all right, man.

You sure? Yeah. All right, then.

I'll surprise you! All right, mate!
I'll surprise you. All right.

'Kin prick.

INAUDIBLE

What's the fucking point?
I don't want to go back there and...

He's there... He's there telling
everyone, "Blah, blah,
David this, David that."

Right, I've just spoke to
half the party,

and you've got more support than you
think, Dave, I promise ya.

We should go back.

There's no point in hiding out here.

What are we doing? I mean, he
promised me a family New Year's...

Yeah. ..and I think we should have
a family New Year's. Thank you.

So, Edward, return to the castle
and warn them of our return.

See you soon. See you, Ed.
Bye-bye. Bye!

CAR LOCKS

I didn't know you used to go out
with Colin.

Oh, yeah... Yeah, years ago.

I don't care how long ago it was.

I'm just saying I didn't know,
and now I do.

Lads, want to come to a party?

HANNAH LAUGHS

Are you coming with us?

Oh, shit. It's Paula.

ENGINE STALLS

What Colin did was like
a public execution.

It was funny, though.
No, not funny, Warren.

All right, Gi? You having a little
stir? My ears are burnin'. Cava?

We should cut across the field.
You talk to her.

No, actually, I was just saying
what a bastard I think you are,

so nothing new.

Go on, you chicken shit.

I should talk to her,
really, shouldn't I?

I'm going back to the house.
Come on, boys.

Can always count on you
not to be counted on.

Counted on for what?

You know...project family.

Pulling together and that,
big society. What?!

ENGINE STALLS

You know, no more remoanin'.

Oh, is that what you think this is?
Bringing us all together?

Hi.

Won't it start?

What do you want?

I'm sorry, Paula.

What are you sorry for?

Which part?

For...?

Well, all of it.

Me? For...

For the kids?

Yeah.

Hey! You all right?

Back at the castle!
Come through, guys. Come through.

OK, lads, come this way.
Cheers. Come this way.

Take a right!

So you're saying after, what...

..five, six years?

And you think that's just
going to fix it, just like that?

Cos I know what you're doing.

You feel shit,
so you want me to say something,

anything that you can cling on to,
to take that feeling away.

Right, you wanted shot of Dave.
Yeah, I said that.

But it's the manner.

Oh, right, I get the game.

I turn over my brother,
and yous lot turn me over.

You'll be OK.

The minute you walk away,
you'll start to feel better,

like when you left.

Just got...easier and easier
every day, didn't it?

Then in a week, a month or so...

..you didn't even worry about it.

Bad behaviour is bad behaviour,
however you want to frame it.

Well, the reality is neither of you
two have ever behaved in any way.

You just wait for things to happen,
then you jump in.

But, oi, I've not even...

You never quite grasped the idea
of family, did you?

You can never think beyond...you.

I've changed.

Yeah.

Just not for me.

Why did you invite David?
Because it's his right.

So you invited him,
but you don't want him here?

Because what I believe doesn't get
in the way of what is right.

It's two things.

Well, it was nice chatting.

I better get back in.

Do you want me to call someone?
WHISPERS: No...

You're the one who loves the sound
of his own voice.

You don't understand that criticism
isn't action. Action is action.

Bye. Just go.

Bye.

That all works well in your little
fiefdom, does it, sis? Mm!

Beavering around, doing stuff?

Stuff like inviting David when you
know it's all going end in tears.

Well done, good family management.

You provide the arena, then step
back while everyone goes at it!

SHE CRIES SOFTLY

ENGINE STARTS

He had a right to be here.

You don't get to just brush it under
the carpet because you don't

want to feel awkward.

Mum was sick, she could've died.
They have to see each other.

It's fucking New Year! Yes, I know!

I'm trying to work out
when it became all about you!

HE SIGHS
Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, I'll shake it off.

HE SNIFFS
All good.

They said enjoy yourself,
it's later than you think.

What you talking about?
He's taken me for the lot.

I don't know
how I didn't see it going.

We're going to lose the house?
Mm-hm.

And neither David nor Colin
will help? Got it.

You all right? Huh?

Yeah. Yeah?
It's a bit close to the edge.

No, I'm all right,
I'm just listening to the sounds.

I'm not doing anything.
Yeah, I'm all right.

It's been... Soothing. Yeah.
Yeah, OK.

Just had to get away from there.

It was just quite intense in there,
you know? Yeah.

I lost my job.

Oh, right?

I might have to move in back with
my parents, I'm proper broke.

HE CHUCKLES

I mean, I live with my parents,
so... Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Yeah, but I'm old. I shouldn't live
with my parents, it's pathetic.

Your father is in pieces, and I hope
you feel really good about that.

You look like you do.

SHE INHALES SHARPLY

He's blown it out of proportion.
Oh, has he?

I have the paperwork upstairs.

I'll take the building off him,
if you want.

We... Yes, I do want.

I'd do anything
if it makes him happy.

That's very good of you, David.
Very big of you.

Out of the kindness of your heart.

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY
Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Hannah... This is Hannah. Sorry.
This is my mother. Hannah.

How do you do? Lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.

Hear you've been together
for five years.

Go.

DOOR SHUTS

I wasn't going to kill myself.
Yeah, no, sure.

Do you think this is the end of it?
No, this can't end.

This is how they love.

If you get them on their own,
they're pretty nice people.

Where are you going?

What's up with you? Hey, get up,
mate. Listen, don't tell anybody.

It's not as though... We're not...
Don't tell anyone what?

You're going to do yourself damage,
mate. I watch it live, you see.

I don't know whether he's brought
the right pieces of paper or...

Well, is it...? Is it...?
Well, you'll see. Just ask him.

I was going to write
a suicide note on my phone,

but I ran out of battery.

But I thought you weren't going to
kill yourself. I wasn't. Yeah, no.

That's what I mean. OK.

How old are you?
Are you, like, 12? 15. Right.

You've got more wisdom than me.
Yeah, well...

..I wasn't on the edge of the cliff,
was I? Nah.

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, sorry. I was just...just
having a cry.

Can I join you there?
Think I could do with one as well.

Can I...? Can I tell you a secret?

OK.

I've never done this before.

SHE LAUGHS

Me neither. It's my first time!

THEY LAUGH

Good God.

WINE GLUGS

To the Bursteads.

THEY LAUGH
To the Bursteads!

Let me show you where I really live.
If you'll allow me.

Here.

And just date in there. OK.

There you are.

GINI: I'm hiding, leave me alone.

I'm sorry I'm not a happy person.

That's me. I'm sorry.

But you're not without your moments.

What have I done? Nothing.

You haven't said anything
and you haven't done anything

and sometimes that is just as bad.
There is no winning here.

That's why I don't fight.

I just wanted to make my mum happy.
Is that such a crime?

No. Course not.
I just want us all together. I know.

But you're asking something
of these people they can't give you.

You got your clothes on? Yeah.

Aren't you hot?
It's boiling in here.

I'm absolutely roasting,
to be honest.

THEY TALK AND LAUGH QUIETLY

Oh, my goodness.

So you live here? Yep.

Yeah, I don't actually
own the castle.

I just look after it.

Some company owns it,
and I work for them.

But you're still a lord?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yes.

Just a piss-poor one.

That's a shame. It is a shame.
THEY LAUGH

It's a massive bloody shame.

Cast your eyes over here,
this is the West Wing.

And through there, along that long,
palatial corridor, is the east wing.

Ah, yes. Just about... Over here,
we have the swimming pool...

Just about see it.

..which doubles as a...sink.

WHISPERING: Can you hear that? What?

See, there's nothing. It's quiet.

Yes, you can't hear
the Bursteads screaming.

The Bursteads screaming?
Screaming at each other.

That's what I'm saying,
I'm quite happy about that.

You've caused me so much stress,
you're not allowed to do that.

See you later, Dad,
we're going to get out.

Well, whoa... You're going now?
Before the bells? Before the bells?

Yeah. I think we're going to go. OK?

All right, darling, thank you.
Hey, thanks. OK.

Yeah, you're right. Col...

What?

Look, I'm not happy about
the way today panned out.

Well, that's the problem, isn't it?
No-one is. So...

That's enough, OK? Yeah.

We've all had a drink, but you know
what's going on here, don't you?

Leave her alone, mate. OK?
Is this the white knight, is it?

The man who fucking aquaplaned his
marriage into the oncoming traffic -

is that who's now sticking the arrow
in me from the moral high ground?

Is that the picture you're painting,
brother?

Yeah, well, that's nice and flowery.
Now... No, no, no, hold on.

Colin, stop it. I was going to leave
but go on - what?

What have you got to say, mate?

You're an arrogant fucker, Colin.

You think
everything you do's perfect

and your life's
a paragon of perfection,

and you're judging me
for my misdeeds?

It's fucking rich. Right.

Sorry, is that the moment
you wink to my missus,

or whoever else here
you had an affair with?

Is that your classy play?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I know about that.

I know, er...everyone else does.

Love how you all knew
before me as well.

It's news to me. Shut up.

Yeah, anyway, luckily, we are pretty
stable, we had a chat about it...

..and we resolved it.

And it's all good
and I know it's my fault and...

Right, that's that. You got to
tend to a relationship, haven't you?

You can't lean on it or it breaks.

Right. Yeah.

So that's us.

So what was you saying
about me hurting your feelings?

HE LAUGHS BITTERLY

God, what is this? Nice, Dave.

That'll do. Come on. That's it. Come
on, let's go, let's go. That's it.

OK. Anyway, we're off. Good party.
See you later, Mum, Dad...

Dave!

Gini. Lovely time. Lovely time!

Lovely, yes.
Good party, thank you.

Well...

..I know I've put
a bit of a dampener

on the proceedings tonight, but...

..the reason we're all here
is for Mum, Sandy.

She's had a really tough year,
and we're all very, very grateful

that you're here with us tonight,
Mum.

And...Gini had said
we were all going to do a bit,

but I think she was winding me up.

Er, but I have prepared a bit. Um...

Hannah's been trying
to teach me piano.

Anyway, I'm just going to do it.
So...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

This is for you, Mum.

HE EXHALES

# A rose by any other name is a rose

# But Shakespeare never met Sandy
or he'd have known

# To compare Mum to a summer's day

# Doesn't even come close

# And yet I've hurt you
more than most

# I know you needed me
and I let you down

# In your hour of need
I wasn't around

# I want to repent
but I don't know how

# So I will try to spell it out

# S-A-N-D-Y

# Sorry for the times
I've made you cry... #

SANDY: Oh, yes. Ahem.

# S-A-N-D-Y

# I wish I could have been
a better child

# S-A-N-D-Y

# You're the sun and moon in my sky

# S-A-N-D-Y

# I treated you badly

# But I love you madly

# You're the soul of this family
and that's why

# We're all here tonight

# We all love you, Sandy. #

I love you, Mum. We all do.

WHISPERING: Thank you, son.

Beautiful.
SHE SNIFFS

That's really nice.

QUIETLY: # Die Gedanken sind frei

# Wer kann sie erraten

# Sie fliegen vorbei

# Wie nachtliche Schatten

LOUDER: # Kein Mensch
kann sie wissen

# Kein Jager sie schiessen

# Mit Pulver und Blei

# Die Gedanken sind frei

# Ich denke was ich will

# Und was mich beglucket

# Doch alles in der Still'

# Und wie es sich schicket

# Mein Wunsch, mein Begehren
kann niemand verwehren

# Es bleibet dabei

# Die Gedanken sind frei

# Und sperrt man mich ein
im finsteren Kerker

# Das alles sind rein
vergebliche Werke

# Denn meine Gedanken
zerreissen die Schranken

# Und Mauern entzwei

# Die Gedanken sind frei. #

Sorry.

I've got something to say.

Er...

Even though I don't see you all
very much,

not nearly as much as I would like,

I just wanted to say
that I-I love you.

And this, um...

This family means the world to me.

And...

..I just love you all.

PIANO CHORDS DROWN SPEECH

# For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us

# And so say all of us... #

Hang on, hang on, hang on,
we're nearly there.

# For he's a jolly good... #
Ten!

Oh, Christ! Nine!

ALL: Eight. Seven. Get a popper!
Get a popper!

Six. Five. Four.

Three. Two. One.

THEY CHEER, POPPERS POP

# Should old acquaintance be forgot

# And never brought to mind?

# Lang syne, my dear... #

Come on, Sham.

# Auld lang syne

# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

# For the sake of auld lang syne

# For auld lang syne... #

Double the pace!

# For auld lang syne

# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

# For the sake of auld lang syne. #

Happy New Year, everybody!
Happy New Year!

THEY CHEER

Wow. Well done, darling.

Happy New Year. Well, that was
some year last year, wasn't it?

Let's have a good one this one.

Is there anything up here? OK, wait.

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

You OK? Oh, yeah...

Just... Jeez, Colin.
..I need to get out of the car.

OK. One sec.

As quick as you can, yeah?
I am, I am. Yeah?

Up here? Yeah.

That's it.

Ah...

I'm a prick. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Let's get as far away
from these people as possible.

FUCK THEM!

MUSIC: Exeunt
by Clint Mansell

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE