Happy Hour (1986) - full transcript

A chemist experimenting with different formulas stumbles upon an ingredient that, when added to beer, makes it absolutely irresistible. Before he realizes it, an international spy is after him to try to get the formula for himself.

Man: You only get
one shot at this life,

and you've got to give it
everything you've got.

And that goes for
the women you take,

and the beer you drink.

Marshall beer.

So come on.

Reach for the star.

Reach for Marshall--

the beer that...

♪ You took the life
that I was living ♪

♪ you put it on
and walked away ♪

♪ I watch, I cringe,
suffering ♪

♪ got nightmares every day

♪ she always wanted to
share everything with you ♪

♪ she never needed to
take everything that you did ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

♪ You took the progress
we were making ♪

♪ you broke it up
with no regret ♪

♪ from every piece,
you made a profit ♪

♪ you found me easy
to forget ♪

♪ she always wanted to
share everything with you ♪

♪ she never needed to
take everything that you did ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

♪ you know it's true

♪ now I wouldn't do that
to you ♪

Blake, notanother nightmare.

I'm sorry, Cathy,
I can't help it.

It's really starting
to bother me.

Today, I'll talk
to Marshall.

Deejay: Good morning, Denver.

7:00 A.M., and traffic
is flowing smoothly.

Gonna be just a gorgeous day.

Temperatures in
the mid 70s all week.

That's the forecast,
so get out there...

Beer sales up
across the board.

United States
up 23.4%.

Western up 16.6.

Overall increase
in one-week period

ending Friday,

Marshall toy division,
quarterly sales off
nine percent.

That Tommy transvestite
doll is a dud.

We're selling onlyhalf as many dolls.

I like that foreign job.
Who makes it?

Prezoni motors.

Buy it.

The car?The company.

We own the company.

How's it doing?Poorly.

Sell it.

What do you mean,she lost the xerox machine?

How can you losea whole xerox machine?

Gentlemen, the old
think tank perking today?

Yes. Certainly,
Mr. Marshall.

This week, we're workin'
on polyester
poker chips.

potato chips!

Super. Eat one, Jenkins.

Sir, excuse me.

I wonder if I mighthave a word with youin my office.

Sure. Anything for
my new head of research.

I've got a minute.

Mr. Marshall,
I appreciate
the promotion.

I really do.

The big office,
money, the prestige.

It's really great.

You deserve it.

We've only been using
your ingredient for
two weeks,

and beer sales
have skyrocketed.

That's what
worries me, sir.

You see, this thing
could conceivably

get out of hand.

I just stumbled on it.

I had no idea...

You're right.

It's a hell ofa nice office.Sir?

How aboutthat secretary, hmm?

Have you everheard her belch?


Honest to god,

she belches withthe best of 'em.


About her, sir.

I don't think
she's literate.

She has all sorts
of talents, Blake.

Learn to enjoy life.

You've earned it.

Look, I found it.
I found the
xerox machine.

Good for you, honey.

Hell of a nice office.

Need some paint.

See to that, Jenkins.

Stay on top ofthose potato chips, guys.


Hancock. Han...

Man: Famine relief efforts

but it may be a case of
too little, too late.

From Somalia, this is
Roger wentworth reporting.

Woman: Here's news
from wall street.

The dow Jones average
was down more than two points

as investors engaged in
heavy profit-taking.

Speaking of profits,
here's a hot tip

from ksqr.

Man: Marshall beer of Denver--

always one of the nation's
smaller breweries--

has vaulted into
national prominence.

Figures disclosed today
show that Marshall,

led by an aggressive

Is that right, Blakely?

We'll just seeabout that.

Sir, I've got something
very important to tell you.

Save it forthe board meeting,jenkins.

We're late already.

Sir, I really think...Save it!

Gentlemen, ladies.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay,
Mr. Marshall.

You're damn rightit is.

As I'm sure you'rewell aware,

the quarterlyreports are in.

A brief rundownshows a numberof things.

First off, thingsare looking up

in ladies underwear,eh, Wilson?

Home appliances areup three percent.

We're lookingpretty good,

with one notableexception.

Man: Here it comes.

What's going onin toys, tinker?

Sir, I...Save it!

Right now, we're goingto talk about beer.

You've heard rumors.

Well, you'veheard right.

A 20% sales increasein two weeks.

Two weeks!

And you know what?

That's nothing.

Not even the tip ofthe proverbial iceberg.

I'm going totell you why.

I'm sure you've allhad a chance to meet

our new head of researchblake teegarden.

Some weeks ago,

teegarden came to me
with a small vial of liquid.

I couldn't believe
what he told me.

Added to our beer,

this stuff makes it

Practically addictive.

No matter how many
Marshall beers you drink,

you want more.

What's even better,

it's undetectable,

and can't be duplicated
by anyone,

including us.

If we only have
a small vial of it,

how long
will it last?

There's enough
in that little jar

to flavor
the Atlantic ocean,

and we've got
every drop of it.

No, sir,we don't.

What? What was that?

I said...I know what you said.

I was told it couldn't
be duplicated.

Maybe not
duplicated, sir,

but it can
be stolen.

Half the formula
is missing.Half?!

How the hell can you
lose half of it?!

We've been storing it
in two separate vials.

One is added
to the beer,

the other was in
chemical research.

That's the one
we're missing.

Find it, Jenkins.

Only six people
have access

to the blue room

where the stuff
is kept.

Four are in
this room.

They check out.

That leaves
Meredith Casey

in chemical research,

and teegarden.

You think teegarden
stole it?

No, sir,
I don't.

However, miss Casey
is another story.

The thing is...


She used to work for
lakeside breweries.

Most of you are aware,
lakeside brews four beers,

but only one

Come on, Joe,
make your point.

She called in sick

No one has seen her
or been able to reach her

for three days.

We've run a spot survey
on western beer sales

over the last
48-hour period.

El macho sales

show a net 14% increase.


That bitch!

As you can see,

our sudden andrather dramaticincrease in sales

is due solelyto this ingredient,

and, of course,to the foresightof Ms. Richards.

Oh, thank you, dear.

My late husband--

rest his soul--

was a pioneer
in this business.

Hell, everyone knows
that only faggots
drink Marshall.

Yes, ma'am.

Would you care for
some tea, sir?

Dear, would you
pour for us?

As I was saying,

it will bea massive media battle

to reach the market first.

However, if marshallhappens to losethe ingredient,

the problem becomespurely academic.

And you want me
to obtain

the rest of
the formula?

Sounds interesting.


For $5 million,

let's hope it'smore than interesting.


Chateau margaux, 1955,
I believe.


Well, you certainly doknow your tea.

A hobby.

Let's not forgetwe're talkingbeer here, sir.


Indicum. Hybrid, lapana.

Gerber Daisy.

48 petals.

This one has 49.

I still don'tknow your name.


I have to make
the check out
to someone.

No problem, Mrs. Richards.

I have a stamp.

Doll face, time for a swim.

The heater's not working.

I said in the pool now!



It's been confirmed.

Lakeside evidently
discovered the bug,

but not before
we found out

what we needed
to know.

You sexist pig!

Say, cupcake,
see how long

you can hold your breath
underwater, okay?

That's better.

Go on.

They hireda private agent--

supposedly the best.

Maybe we should do the same.

Yes, sir, I've gotsomebody in mind.

A local freelancer--low profile.

Plays your basichardball.

Sounds like
my kind of guy.

Jesus Christ,
with lungs like that,

you should be able
to live down there.

Try again.

What's this guy's
name, anyway?

Mullins, sir.
Fred mullins.

Better known as
crummy Fred.

Boy: Check out the nerds!

Bring me a beer,
there, sexy.

Girl: Look at
those geeks!

Boy: What's
the matter,

No place to play?

Boy: Some nut'sgot a bb gun.

Take cover!

Some guyhas a bb gun.


Gosh, how crummy!

What have you done?!

Not again!

All these houses
look the same.

Are you gonna pay forthis, Fred?

Are you gonna fix it?

You just wait untilgeorge gets home.

Your car's in my garage.


Listen, damn it!

I am not gonna
tell you again.

We were pursuing
a known criminal,

and I am sorry
that your mother got shot.

Christ, you woulda thought
I killed the bitch.

Where the hell
have you been?

Target practice.
Any messages?

Yeah. D.A.'S officecalled.

Told 'emyou were out of town.

Guy next door came by.Told him you wereout of town.

Finance company called.Told 'em you were dead.

Marshall...marshall industries called.

Marshall industries?

Yeah. Marshallindustries.

Some guy named Jenkins.

Why? What'd youdo to him?

Miss Shepard,take a letter, please.


These 4-r forms
have to go to
bascom's office.

Who?bascom in accounting.

I never heard
of him.

Sign this.

Okay, what am
I signing?

What am I signing?
Hey, what did I sign?

What is this?
It says "electric forks."

They are electric forks.
They're prototypes.

Are colors capitalized?

Colors--red, green,
blue, yellow.


"Dear Mr. Green..."


The bascom forms.

What are those?

4-r, sir, 4-r.

Solar pencil.

I'm notgonna sign this.

Polyesterpoker chips,

electric forks,solar pencils.

Whatever it is, hancock,you take care of it, okay?

It's all the way over!

Straighten out.

Straighten out,
you mother!


You shoulda stuckto basketball, bill.

Nah. All Shepards
play golf.

It's in our blood.

Newsweeksays so.

Fire away.

It's your golf bag!

What you waitin' for?

Those guys onthe fairway.

Would you be real?

You couldn't hit 'em
with a Cannon!

That is, unless,
of course,

you've invented
a supersonic
golf ball.

No, hardly.

I work onmore important things

like polyesterpoker chips.

And certain beverages,
old buddy.

Hey, you don'tknow about that, remember?

All right,
all right.


Blake, isn't that
Spence markham

from first national?

Man, would I
love his account.

Look at you.

Look at me,for cryin' out loud.

Don't you rememberour college days, huh?

You and me and Meredith--

we were gonna changethe whole word.

What happened, buddy?

Man, just think about

all the reallybeneficial things

this ingredientcould work in.

Do you know thatthere are enough

protein-rich substancesin the ocean alone

to feedthe entire planet?

Blake, you sound like
a goddamn pbs documentary.

All we gotta dois learn how tomake it taste decent.

Like seaweed
and all that shit.


My wife's cooking.Exactly.

It gets worse.

Meredith has disappeared,

and she took
some of the
stuff with her

to a competitor.

Meredith?i don't believe it.

Why would shedo that?

I don't know.
Jealousy, envy.

Sour grapes.

You knowwhat they say--

"a woman scorned..."

Does Cathy know?

Not yet.

That conniving little snot!

I told you
she was no good.

I told you
not to bring her here.

Come on.

She was one ofthose communists

that spray paintedthe homecoming float

before the stanfordgame, remember?

The whole sororitystayed up all night

pasting on thoseteeny-weeny azaleas.

What are youlaughing at?

I wasn't laughing.

That was a long time ago.

Why do youalways defend her?

Meredith and I
share a mutual respect.

I can't believewhat I am hearing.

Open your eyes, baby.

She crossed you.

She stole yourprecious ingredient.

Because I let her down.

I've let everybody down.

Cathy, don't you see
what's happening here?

Promotion, raise,

Marshall thinks
he can buy me now.

"Here lies Blake teegarden--

human marshmallow."

It's hardlythat bad, Blake.

You've gota great job,

great kids.

A super-sexy wife.

Worry about it tomorrow,marshmallow balls.

"Marshmallow balls."

"Marshmallow balls"?


We'll just see
about that,
tangerine tits.

Mary, Billy,
eat your breakfast.

We don't want
to be late for school.

Mommy, I don't like
butter on my toast.

Eat the other side.

Morning, sweetie.

Will you hand me
the orange juice?



There's beerin the refrigerator.

Marshall beer.

Haven't you heard?

been repealed.

I thought I made it rather clearthe other night

that there wasto be no beer.

When friends drop by,

it's only polite
to offer something
besides kool-aid.

And, speaking
of friends,

I invited bill and Laura
over for dinner

a week from Thursday.

Don't forget.

Yes, and since whendoes beer come infive packs?

So I was thirsty.

Excuse me.

So, what's
going on today?

Oh, I don't know.

Every day's an adventure
in that zoo.

You work in a zoo, daddy?

Yes, Billy, daddy works
in the zoo.

No, he doesn't.

Daddy makesmarshall beer.

Everybody drinksmarshall beer.

That's right, honey.

Not me.

I drink El macho.


I will when
I'm old enough.

Tommy's dad says
it puts hair on
your chest.

I don't wanthair on my chest.

Everybody drinksmarshall beer.

Right, daddy?

That's right, honey.

Everybody drinks
Marshall beer.

No, no, no.

Honey, no.
Your mama is lying.

They drink it.

Deejay: Hey, Denver, looking
for a job

with great pay
and super benefits?

Well, here's your chance.

Marshall industries
brewery division

is now hiring
at all positions,

so get on over there,
check it out, ya hear?

Big bucks, and all the brewskis you can drink, right?

This is a public service
announcement from q-103.

Where do you think
you're goin'?

Line forms back there,
no exceptions.

Are all these peoplewaiting for work?

Yeah, and they'll
get it, too.

This place is boomin'
like you wouldn't believe.

It's worth
the wait, pal.


Thank you.

Sir, were you
referring to me?


I said, were you
referring to me?

I distinctly heard
somebody call me
a fud whumper!

I didn't call you

Then I suggest you
apologize to this man.

Hey, what did you
call me?

I didn't call youanything.

Hey, man,
what's a wed fumper?

What's a wed fumper?

Fud whumper.


You did call me
a fud whumper.

I can call youanything I want.

Don't give me
no jive,

you mother suckin'
little fud whumper.

Ah, shut up,vagina lips!

Fud whumper!

Woman: Forms, please.


Chemical research.

I'm quite sorry,but that is impossible.

We are simplynot hiring inthat department.

Really? Well,
that's a pity.

Try us againnext month.

Closest I couldget you to research

would be paintingthe director's office.

That'll be fine.

No, you don'tunderstand.

I most certainly do.
I'll take the job.

I think you'll find
my qualifications
are in order.

I never knew

Harvard evengave a degreein house painting.

I expect you'll want me
to report immediately.

As a matterof fact, yes.

I suppose.


Oh, uh, sir?

Your name?

I need your name.

Uh, fudwhumper.
Uh, Roger fudwhumper.


Forms, please.

I'm lookin' for
Marshall's office.

Where is it?

Large buildingjust to the east of us.

Third floor.



Woman: Five bucks
says I can do it.

Man: I'll takethat bet.

Woman: Better
than a guy.

Man: No way!

Woman #2: This is
I'm leaving.

Man #2: This is science.

Okay, gentlemen,
place your bets.

Woman: Let me have
one practice--
just one practice.

Man: Give her some room.


Blake: Hey, what the hell's
goin' on out here?

Miss Shepard,haven't you finishedthat letter yet?

I'm working on it.

You might trypressing the keys.

I'm told thathelps sometimes.

I'll be inmarshall's office.

Let's let
the new guy finish.

Is it break time yet?

Hey, we just
got off lunch.

We get tomorrow off.

Hello there.


I, uh, couldn'thelp noticing you...

Am I unbuttoned again?

I find your beautyinspiring.

You painters are all
so romantic.

Have youworked here long?

About a year.

For Mr. Teegarden?

No, he's only been here
a couple of weeks.

Oh! I'll bet hereally enjoyshis work, huh?


I mean, no.

I don't think he
likes his job at all.

He's always complaining.


About what?

Lots of things.

But especially about beer.


You know, I don't think
he likes Mr. Marshall.

But didn't Mr. Marshallgive him this nice job?


Yes. Ooh, yes!

Thank you.

Thisis all you got?

We're working on it.

You'll havea decent picturewhen we find one.

What about money?

Name your terms.

Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars?

Plus expenses.

I don't come cheap.

Take it or leave it.

You got a deal.Good.

Wait a minute!

Here! I've seen him here.

Where'd you see him?



Jenkins: That's incredible.

It's more than incredible.

It's perfect.

That's the greatest
paint job I've ever seen.

And he only used
one coat.


He's been here.

I'll get him.

Excuse me.

Can you show me where
the nearest exit is?

Over there.

Oh. Of course.

How silly of me.

Yeah. Hey!


Woman: Ladies, bridal world is now beer and bridal world--

Colorado's first
brewery boutique.

To celebrate
our grand opening,

we're giving away
a free case of Marshall beer

with every wedding dress.


Disgraceful, isn't it?


All these people
and the drinking,

and all it leads to.

They seemperfectly happy.

You really think so?

It's not as hopeless
as it seems.

Together, we can
stop this, Mr. Teegarden.

Don't be alarmed.

Listen, perhaps we canspeak about thisin private.

Uh...well,there, perhaps.

All right, what is
this all about?

Who are you,
and how do you
know my name?

What'll it be, guys?

We got Marshall,
Marshall lite,

Marshall stout, Marshall dark,
and Marshall ale.



Hey, everybody,
the wimp wants coffee!

How about you, Rambo?

Milk and cookies?

Coffee'll be fine.

Two coffees!

We're very concerned
about this situation,

as, of course,
you are.

"We"?who's we?

Pardon me.

My name is
Robert Johnson.

I represent the
church of Jesus Christ
of latter-day saints.

You're a mormon?

Are you surprised?

Two coffees.

What do you wantwith me?

The church has become
increasingly concerned

with the moral

caused by this

I repeat--what do youwant with me?

You can get me
into the blue room.

You know aboutthe blue room.

Of course.

It's one thingto know aboutthe ingredient.

It's quite anotherthing to destroy it.

Listen, please believe me.

Once we're in there,
we can get the job done,

and you can
get us in there.

Or at least,
your badge can.

How am I gonnado that?

The badge is sensitizedto begin with.

You knowwhat that means?

I try to walk outthe front door

with that thingunder my coat,

the whole citylights up.

Leave that to me.

You can reach me
at this number.

Mr. Teegarden,

we're counting
on you.

All of us.

Deejay: This just in.

A couple of Fender-benders
have really snarled traffic

up around the mousetrap,

so if you're
stuck in that mess,

sit back, smile,
and stay cool, all right?

Why don't you
watch where you're goin'?

Get outta here!

Get out of the way!

Come on, get out!


Son of a bitch!

82% of adult americansnow drink beer regularly.

The beer drinking agewas lowered to sixyesterday,

meaning there'sa whole new marketout there.

Our profit and loss statement

will be ready bythe end of the week.

And that's our problem.

A beer war.

I don't need some
Ivy league accountant

to tell me that,
at 20 cents a can,

we're not making
diddily squat.

Sir, as long aslakeside hasthe ingredient,

we have to becompetitive.

The solution seems
pretty damn obvious.

Find out if
Fred mullins
plays golf.

I can't believeyou told himyou could play golf.

How hard can it be?

Did you get me
some clubs?

Son of a bitch!

Somebody broke into
my car and stole
my clubs!

And my brand-new am/fm
super-deck cassette

with built-in equalizer!

No shit!

Marshall invited youto play golf with him?

Yeah, he just
called me up
out of the blue.

I'm impressed,old buddy,I'm impressed.

By the way,where did youget those shoes?

Oh, yes. Well...

Cathy bought me these.

She felt they suited
my new image.

I have to wear them.

Mmm. She also buythe little blue pants?

That's right.

Awesome, Blake.Totally awesome.

I got a gameto get to.

I'll talkto you later.

See ya.

Hey, Blake,how ya doin'?

Hancock, what are
you doing here?

I'm playin' golfwith you.

No, you're not.

What are you
doing here?

Good morning,
Blake.Morning, sir.

You know Fred mullins.

My caddymisty Roberts.


Let's roll.

Give me the wooden one.

Which one?

This is the first
hole, isn't it?

Use your head.

Marshall: You're
up, mullins.

Hey, that Marshall guyain't too shabby,is he?

Hands off, honey.
He's all mine.

♪ It don't mean a thing
if it ain't got swing ♪

Practice swing.

You, uh, play often?

♪ It's not what you do
when you do that thing ♪

♪ just so long as
you can keep from dyin' ♪

♪ if you give it your shot,
and that's all you got ♪




♪ You can be number two,
that's up to you ♪

♪ but it sure can get
bogged down ♪

♪ it's not who you know...

Look out!

You asshole!

♪ ...your way to the top

♪ with a roll of the dice
and a heart made of ice ♪

♪ you can be number one
till you drop ♪

♪ but if you give it your shot,and that's all you got ♪

♪ you don't need to be
the best around ♪

♪ it don't mean a thing
if it ain't got swing ♪

♪ but it sure can
keep a body ♪

♪ sure can get a body

♪ it sure can get
a body down ♪

All right,
wise ass.

This is the
sixth hole.

Yeah. So?

The numbers on
the wooden ones
only go up to five.

What are we going
to do now?

Use the metal
ones, stupid.

They go up
to nine.

I'll get 'em,
miss Roberts.

Blake, we got
real problems.

Lakeside is proving
to be a royal pain
in the ass.


I've asked Fred here
to pay them a visit.

I think the bad guys
have held the ingredient
long enough, don't you?

I'll take two
people with me--

my associate
misty Roberts,

and Mr. Teegarden.

Wait a minute.Me?

I'll need someone
who can identify
this stuff.

Is this some sortof a joke?

I'm not goin' anywhere.

I'm not asking you
to do this
for free, Blake.

It will be well worth
your while.

No, no, you're...

This is...

You're serious.

You object,
Mr. Teegarden?

No, but I'm not going.

I can go.

I've worked with
him before.

I can identify
the vial.

Is that right?Teegarden?

Yes, sir,that's right.

That is why youbrought him along,isn't it--

just in case?

All right.Hancock it is.

Go on.

We leave Friday night.

The brewery's about
20 miles east of
San Diego.

There's a small
landing strip

out in the foothills.

We fly in at night,
then lie low on Saturday.

We hit 'em
Saturday night.

All right,let's go for it.

You got it, boss.

Man: Attention, shoppers,

Today only, Marshall beer
is on special

for five dollars
a case.

That's right, only
five dollars a case.

Look for the free gift coupon
on the box.

Bet you can't drink
just one.

Man on TV: Hey, buckaroos.

It's time for America's
favorite TV cowboy.

Look, it's Marshall beer!

Hi, kids!

Hi, Marshall beer!Hi, Marshall beer!

Capturin' bad people
all day long
is hard work.

When I ride
back to the ranch,

I get mighty thirsty.

And what do I drink
when I get thirsty?

Marshall beer!Marshall beer!

You're darn tootin'.

So come on,
cowboys and cowgirls.

Reach for the star.

Reach for...


♪ So every day
and every night ♪

♪ reach for the beer
that's always right ♪

♪ Marshall beer,
Marshall beer ♪

♪ Marshall beer is here

♪ yee-ha

and remember, mom,

it's chock full
of vitamins.

Mommy, can I have
some more beer
on my cereal?

Of course, honey.

You what?

What on your cereal?


You will havemilk on your cereal.

I want beer!


I want beer.

I want Marshall beer.

You will have
milk on your cereal,
young man.

Where is it,
where's the milk?

Where is the milk?

Where is
the goddamned milk?

Where is it?

Is this the milkman?


No, not the milkman.


For heaven's sakes, Blake,
it was on special!

I think he's
workin' too hard.


Could yousign this, please?

Miss Shepard: Mr. Teegarden,your wife just called,

said to pick upyour suit atthe cleaners.

Bill and lauraare coming overfor dinner tonight.

Hancock: Miss Shepard,
have you seen
my solar pencil?

I think I left it
in the lab.

If teegarden finds it,
he'll kill me.

You know, alcohol'll
clean that up
good as new.

Got any Marshall beer?


Cathy: All right, six.
I'm in!

I don't believe it.You're on a yellow one.

Can you believe it, Laura?

He ruins three suits
in one week--

two in one day.

Honestly, Blake,
I'm not Mrs. Michael Jackson.

Bill: Michael Jackson!

Cathy: Your wardrobe is
nothing to brag
about as it is.

By the way, Cathy,that dinner was super.

You have got to give methe recipe for thosepotatoes, girl.

I put Marshall beer
in them.

What, Cathy, what?

The recipe
was on the can.

Can we play now, guys?

Okay, here we go.

"Who was the president..."James k. Polk.

My god, he's right!

Lucky guess.

Lucky guess?!

Okay, okay.
"What river..."

The Amazon.2,417 miles.

He's right!

I just memorizedall six million answers.

Oh, my god, i'veachieved yuppie nirvana.

Enlightened yuppie-dom.

This calls for
a celebration.

Laura: Yuppie nirvana!

Bill: To conspicuousconsumption.

Come on, Blake,
down it.

Yeah, down it.

Mommy, I can't sleep.

Oh, honey,
just a minute.

Cathy, could you...?

That's okay, sweetheart.

Mommy will tuck you

On second thought.

Good try, Cathy.

It's a good try.

Bill: To a good try.

The American way.

Look at you people.

What is goin' on here?

My best friends, my wife.

What's happened to you?

What happened to
your self-respect,

your integrity?

I gotta hand it toyou, Blake, old buddy.

You know how to makeone hell of a good brew.

Here's toblake teegarden--

dedicated scientist,

conscience ofa new generation.

Yeah. Yeah,
that's me, all right.

Conscience of
a generation.

I don't know.

Maybe there's still time
for me to get off my butt

and do something here.

What do you folks
think, huh?

What are we gonna do, huh?

Come on, America,
what do ya say?

I need your help, gang.

I can't do it alone.

What do ya say--
we gonna put on a show?


All those in favorof immediate action,

nod your headsviolently. Bill?

Buddy, thanks.I mean it.

Laura. Thank you, sweetheart.

Cathy, huh? Yes.Love you, babe.

Excellent. We havea consensus!



You say there's
a special elevator
just for the blue room?

Yeah, it's got
a really neat code,
and everything.


Uh, care forsome wine?


Now this isan exquisite chardonnay.

Subtle butenervating.

Savor it.

Not bad.

Got any Marshall beer?


Blake: Yeah, I've
decided to help.

How do I get
the badge to you?



Now listen,
and this is vital.

Blue room access
must be programmed

at least 48 hours
in advance.

All right, now,

I will arrange it so
you can get in there

Saturday at midnight.

That's the lightest shift
of the week.

Yeah, you got that?
Saturday at midnight.

Good night.

You look like
you could use
some excitement.

Deejay: Good morning,
mile high city,

and happy Friday to you.

T.g.i.f., right?

Look for a real
hot one today

and some super
weekend weather.

Hi there. Hi.

No, it's all right.
I'll sign this.

And there you are.

Have a very nice day.

Have a niceweekend, gentlemen.

Thank you.

So, hancock,are we stillon for tonight?


You know what I mean.Lakeside.

We leave tonight
as planned.


Hey, you didn't tell
anyone about this,
did ya?

Of course not,hancock.

You can't be
too careful.

Hey, hey, hey!


They got teegarden.


Teegarden.they kidnapped teegarden.


Parking garage,just now.

There was ten guys,there was five guys,there was two guys.

They grabbed him.Shit!

No. We don't know
who's got him.

You, out!

Now, goddamn it. Out!

What difference doesit make who's got him?

Look, teegarden
just called me.

He's on to something big--

something bigger than beer.

What's that gotta dowith the police?

Teegarden says
this new deal

will mean
more money

than anybody has
ever dreamed of.

We have to make sure
that boy isn't hurt.

No cops.

We wait to see
who they are
and what they want.

No cops!


Jenkins, sir.

The plant is secured,

but there's no sign of
Mr. Teegarden.

That's okay, Jenkins.

False alarm.

Mr. Teegarden
is right here with me.

Very good, sir.
I'll pass the word.

That's fine, Jenkins.

Hey, who do you thinkgrabbed my...

Isn't it obvious?

Who were the only
people besides us

that know teegarden's
real claim to fame?


Why would theygrab teegarden?

He can't duplicatethe formula.

They don't know that.

God, what rotten luck.

We've got to get him back

before they find out
what he's on to.

Damn it!

Why couldn't they have
kidnapped you?

I think we'reall clear.

Jesus, bill,
you didn't have
to be so rough.

Rough?! You said make itlook realistic.

I said realistic,
not sadistic.

Blake, this is

I've never been
so scared in
my entire life.

Honey, there's
no other way.

Well, Blake, old buddy,we are now committed.

We always were, pal.

Maybe we should
be committed.

This is crazy!

Bill: She's got a pointthere, Blake.

Are you sure
this is gonna work?

Of course I'm sure.
It's worked up to now.

I've packed yourtoothbrush

and your pajamas--the green ones.

The ones with
the alligators
on them. Great!

Those are my favorite.

I want you to remember
to make the phone call

exactly at 1:30.1:30. I know.

Now relax, relax.

Just take care
of yourself, all right?

Yeah. California,
here I come.

Blake, be careful.

By now, every policemanin the city islooking for you.

No, I don't think so.

Take care
of yourself.

Bye. See ya.

Hancock! Where's hancock!

Sent him backto get therest of the stuff.

You the pilot?

Yes, sir.
P.J. Yarborough,
at your service.

Welcome aboard.

Will this thing fly?

Shoot, can a frog fart?

Is that your co-pilot?

No, ma'am,
that's an ape.

Have another, munchy.

Yeah, old munchy,
he's the real Pete.

Done offer him
none of that
light beer, though.

He'll tear your
whole head off.

Light's are on,
but nobody's home.

Just as longas he can fly this crate.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, hancock!

Pow! Pow, pow, pow!
Pow, pow, pow!

No, no, no, no.

No, look.

You are doing thisall wrong.

I am?

Yeah, you are.

What'd I do wrong?

You've got to useyour senses.

Senses, get it?

All right,put the gun down.

Grab the flashlight.

Practice with me.Okay.

Okay?stand up.

Okay, I want youto stand right here.

Right here?

Okay, now the keyto this

is you've gotto pretend thati am the enemy.

You're the enemy.I'm the enemy.

Turn the flashlight on.

Hey, misty, I can't
see nothin'.

That's the point.

That's the point.Good. Senses.

Oh, I sensed that.

You sensed that?

I sense ya,
I sense ya.

All right, then,sense this.

Oh, that hurts!

Man: Use the force, hancock.

Use the force.

Yeah, I sense you.I sense you.

Oh, I sense the pain.

That's better.

Sweet dreams,hancock.


Misty, maybe you
oughta get some
rest, too.

We've got a...

All right! Hey, everybody,

we're here!

No shit?We're over San Diego?

That's right. It's...

What? It's not there.

It's gone.

The whole city's gone.

Take it easy.

Oh, my god! It's gone!

Whole cities don'tjust disappear.

You're right.
It was just
a big cloud.

Where's the landing strip?

I don't seeany lights.

No problem.

Old Billy boy
won't light
up the strip

until he hears us.

Should be comin' up
any time now.

Over there.

All right! Roger dodger
and all that good stuff!

All right, everybody,
hold on.

We're goin' in.

It's gonna be
a little rocky.

Man: Silencio.

Mullins: Let's go.

What the...?

Man: Federales! Andale!


You idiot!
This is Mexico!

Damn! All these
landing strips
look alike!

Come on, move it!

Adios, amigos.

I'm outta here.

I surrender, I surrender,
I surrender.

Mullins: This bastard'sleaving without us.

Get back here,you moron!

There's a Jeep.

Let's take this one.

Hancock: Wait for me.
Wait for me!

Don't shoot, kemo sabe.
Amigo, amigo.

Misty: Shut up,you geek!

Woman: Hi.
Welcome to lakeside,

the oldest brewery
in the western United States.

My name is Roxanne.

I'm going to be
your tour guide
this morning.

Please, everybody,
walk this way.

The sounds you're hearingare the brewery pumps

pumping 24 hours a day.

And as you may know,

lakeside'sel macho beer

is the second-largestselling beer

in the world,soon to benumber one.

Now we're allgoing to enterthe aging room,

so please,everybodystay together

and watch your step.

Follow me.

Ah! Damn thing always
works on TV.


Oh, hi there. Hi.

I'm, uh...

I seem to be lost.

Freeze, you scumball.

Come on, stop.


Hey, hey,
please stop!

Hey, come on.
Running faster.

Hey, fancy meeting
you here.

Someone's out there
shooting me with a gun--

a real gun.

Guard: Cover the west wing.I'll do the third floor.

Wilma, check outthe ladies bathroom.

May I help you?

Oh, miss Casey.

This stall
is occupied.

I know.
I just, uh, uh...

Is everything okay?

Good. That's good.



Now, what is thisall about?

I think you know.

It's time we put
an end to this.

How do you proposeto do that?

Get back the
all of it.

Take back what's mine.


What makes you so sureI'll help you?

Why did you call me
at home last Thursday--

to chat?

You didn't really believe

you could justwaltz in here

and steal the vial,did you?

That's patently absurd.

I thought
together maybe...

You, me, and the u.S.Marines, maybe.

Now that you'vebroadcast your presenceover this plant,

you'll be luckyjust to get out of here.

Beat it, sister.We're busy.

We have got to try,

We've got to.

The security systemhere is flawless--perfect.

I designed it.

We haven't lost
that humble touch,
have we?

The point is,you don't evenhave a gun.

All right, what if
I were to tell you

that someone else is
planning to destroy
your vial tonight--

somebody with guns,
lots of guns--

but no brains.

Could we help them?



Do you rememberyour physical sciences?

Ac-DC, positive,negative, all that stuff?

Are you kidding?

Just last week,
I wired Billy's
electric train.

Good enough.

You think this'll
do it, huh?

Yes. So who wasshooting at you,anyway?

I don't know.
Some fat guy.

Harold. Oh, cripes,i hope he didn'thurt himself.

This isn't gonna
hurt anybody,
now, is it ?

Of course not.It's only gonnacut the power.

Make sure youset it for 11 hours.

I know, Meredith,
I know.

I know you havea right to beangry with me.

You could've talked
to me, Meredith.

You saw whatwas happening,

or maybe you didn't.

What's that
supposed to mean?

How much did marshallpay you to keepyour mouth shut--

30 pieces of silver?

Oh, first-rate analogy,
miss Judas.

Wilma: Harold!

Harold, I'm right here.

Hurry, Harold.

Oh, Harold!

Let's go downstairs.

Oh, Harold.

The belt.Let's get the belt.

The belt!

The zipper!

Oh, Harold!

Oh, Harold!

Good god, they're not
going to do it here?!

If what I didwas so wrong,

then why didn't youjust go public?

Why sneakback here?

'Cause maybe I
deserved something, too.

You got chief
of research.
I got nothing.

Nada.zero. Zilch.

No credit,
no respect, no...


I mean, no.

I mean, it goes
a lot deeper than that.

Is that so hard
to understand?

Oh, Christ, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

What made youchange your mind?

Same reason you
changed yours.

Some things are
still important,
aren't they?

Station 12. Checking out
a problem in the power plant.

Yeah, I'll be right up.

Come on.

Oh, Harold!


This is so
frustrating, Harold.

That was traumatic.Let's get outta here.

When I called youthat morning,

how did you knowit was me?

Well, I didn't
at first.

Then I remembered that
nobody but you
calls me Blakely.

I hate that.

One last question...Blakely.

Why, why, why
did you marry
that bubblehead?

I mean, really,
a cheerleader!

I happen to enjoythe company ofsocially gregarious people,

and she's nota bubblehead,

and why did ittake you so longto ask me that flat out?

You must hate me.

And if you don't,
then maybe you should.

I think it would
be good for you.

You are a chemist,not a shrink.

Meredith, it is
not good to hold
these feelings in.

I am very serious.

Do something.
Let it go.

Yell at me, scream,
hit me.

I am not goingto hit you.

Fine. Suit yourself.

Besides, I don't
believe in violence.

Is this Marshall?

Who the hell
do you think it is?

Shut up!

Who is this?

This is the workers'freedom army, baby.

And let me assure you,beer breath,

we got no love for you

or your filthycapitalist pig sty,

nor have we anyfor lakeside, honky!

It is the destiny

of the corruptand decadentcapitalist

to greedilydrown one another

in the slime ofperverted materialism.

And we intend to help you do this.


There's a dudenamed teegarden.

Lakeside has him.

You want him.

They demand a vial, you offer money.

Now we can get himany time we desire,

but we got no needfor any vial.

But you could use the money.

Bingo, beer breath.

Now you slap$1 million

in locker number threein concourse bof the Denver

international airport.

How do I know
you can get him?

We can get him.

We can also kill him.

No tricks, no surveillance.

The money!


You think ioverdid it?

Could that have
been lakeside?

No, not a chance.

They didn't grabteegarden fora lousy million.

What do we do?

You heard the man.

What choicedo I have?

Hell, a million dollarsis nothing.

Not a thing.

Oh, hell, putthe money in the locker.

Security stakeout?

No, no, we can'trisk it.

I need teegarden.

Hancock, get
your butt
over here!

The border's onlya couple of blocksfrom here.

If we're careful...

Look, I say rush 'em.

Then, I can personally
blow those beaners

halfway to hell.

No, there'stoo many of 'em.

We gotta be
inside lakeside
by midnight tonight.

Hey, maybe we can
just walk through
like everybody else.


And we'll just declare these
with your plaster pigs.

If we had a car...

Where are we
going to get a car?

We can disguise
the Jeep.

As what?
A Jeep is a Jeep.

Disguise the Jeep.

What?!I'll check out
the border crossing.

Maybe we can
sneak across.

Just be careful.

I mean, who knows?

They might
be looking for us.

No sweat.

Hancock gave me
an idea.

Sombreros? Sombreros?

Sombreros, senor?

Ten dollars.
Ten dollars.

Banderas grandes.

Mexican flags.
Banderas, banderas.

Hey, fella, hey there.

I'll takeone of those.

No, no.

Hey, hello there. Buenos dias, senor.

How much...

Cuantos dollars los piggo?

50 bucks.

Fifty? You mean50 pesos.

No, 50 bucks, gringo.


But the guy over hereonly wants 3.50.

Then buy one from him,
you cheap son of a bitch.

I get it.You wanna bargain.

Okay, one dollar.

Gee, that was easier
than I thought.

Mullins: We'll head east,

then find a soft spotto cross the border.

This is a hell
of a way of spending
a Saturday afternoon.

You gota better idea?

That'sthe border patrol.

I saywait till dark.

Yeah, and I say
let's get 'em now.

I'll blast 'em.

Let's wait two minutes.
We'll make sure.

Do you know what's
gonna happen if we
sit around and wait?

Haven't you tried to kill
enough people for one day?

Will you listen to
this little fart?

Shut up,both of you.

We're all inthis together,

or ain't youfigured thatout yet?

By George, you're
absolutely right.

I apologize,
miss Roberts.

And by George,
you can shove it up...




All right,
you're right.

It's been a long day.

I'm sorry.


Gee, thanks.Wait.

Christ almighty!That's a suicidelifesaver.

Oh, my mistake.

I'm so sorry.

I would never
do anything...

All right.Blow it.

Thank you very much.

Let's go.


Wait. Where areyou going?

I'm sorry, my dear,
but I must be on my way.

I have a pressing
appointment at midnight.

So soon?

Do you have to go?

I mean, it wasthe best ever.

You were...You were...


Yes. Yes!

Wait. You nevertold me your name.

Didn't I?

Hurry up.

This is lakeside.

We'll go over here.

I'll go first.

just watch me,

and do exactly
as I do.

I don't thinki can do itthat fast.

Woman: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to
the mile high city

of Denver, Colorado.

We hope you've enjoyed
your flight from San Diego,

and look forward
to serving you again

in the near future.

Local time is 9:32 P.M.

Blake! Psst!

You okay?

Of course,I'm okay.Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Welcome home.


Hey, thanks, bill.

Hey, thinknothing of it.

Listen, cathyand the kidsare just fine.

We'll meet you therein an hour.

All right.

Seems like old times, huh?

Off the pigs!

Off the pigs!

I don't like it.

Lakeside must beon full alert and all,

kidnapping teegarden.

It's too quiet.

All I know is

if we get past
that guard house,

we're in the
brewery, right?

Is that the building?

Yeah.all right.

Will you look at that?

No wonder they're
number two.

Great. Let's
get inside.

Hey, what are
you doin'?

Just get in there.
I'll finish him off.

What?! That does it.

Listen, mullins,
this isn't world war III,
for cryin' out loud.

What if he wakes up,you damn fool?

If we leave now,
he'll never know
we were here.

You gutless vegetable!Why take the chance?!

Man: Please state
your name and business.

My name is Cary Grant,

and I have an appointmentwith Mr. Marshall.

The Cary Grant?

Sure. Go right on in.

You're my all-time favorite
movie star, Mr. Grant.

Wait'll I tell my wife.

She was crazy about
Philadelphia story.

Man: Attention, floor five.

Indicate central confirmation

for elevator
security clearance.

Joe, this is Harry.

Goddamn elevator's stuck.

It's openin'
and closin' and
openin' and closin'.

Yeah? No kiddin'?No kiddin'.

Call maintenance, will ya?


Now, for Christ's sake.

Geez, Harry, it's almost midnight.

Oh, that's tough.

Harry, guess who's with Jack Marshall right now.

I'll give ya a hint. Listen.

Judy, Judy, Judy.

Harry, did ya hear me?

Judy, Judy, Judy.

Give up? Huh?

This is it.
I knew it.

The brewery

The laboratory
must be close by.

From here on,no talking,no noise.

Hand signals only.



Hold it.

Misty, light up.

I think this is it.

Aha! Electronic beam.

I think we can all
get under.

I'll go first,
then misty.

Hancock, watch our rear.

Oh, my god!

Hey, I think
someone's comin'.
Hurry up.




Power failure.

What a break.

Come on.

That must be it.

Hancock, check it out.Right.

Damn! No time!

That's why I came,to identify...

Goddamn it,
put a sock in it!

Blow it!

You got 15 seconds
from the time
I release this.

What do I dowith these?

Throw 'em in.
They'll make
a nice noise.

Hancock, you got the mapwhere's the exit?

Straight ahead.

It's to the right.

If there's one thing
I can do, it's read a map.

"The one thing I can do
is read a map."

I think I brokeevery bone in my body

except the little fingeron my left hand.


Mr. Teegarden.

Bit warm fora spot of tea.

Not tea,
Mr. Johnson.

Ah, yes. Coffee.

Mr. Johnson.Mormons. Coffee.

Mormons don'tdrink coffee.

I seem to havemade a mistake.

Is Johnson
your real name?

Ah, miss Casey.

We meet again.


You'll pardon meif I seemsomewhat confused.

May I havesome coffee?


Thank you.You bet.

You know, it now
becomes painfully clear

that I could've
broken into that room
at any time,

yet you chose this day
and this hour

that you may join me.

My time wasdemanded elsewhere.

Tonight, your
in California

lakeside's vial.

However, since their
expertise is no
match for yours...

We felt obligatedto help them a bit.

I'm flattered.

And now, I wouldlike to make youa business proposition.

You want to buy back...

No, no, no,that's not the point.

The money is justfor start-up costs.

The ingredientis the key.

If you could have
anything in the world,

what would it be?

Everyone has
a secret dream,
a hidden fantasy--

something so
farfetched as to be
virtually unthinkable.

Together, we could
do great things,
wonderful things.


I suggest wecarry on this conversation elsewhere.

The fireworksare to beginin two minutes.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, by the way,
Mr. Teegarden,

why don't you
get rid of

that ridiculous
cap pistol?

Correct me ifI'm wrong,mr. Teegarden,

but it is my impressionthat this ingredient

can be usedonly in beer.

No, beer was
an accident.

It was the first thing
I stumbled on.

I know it can work
in other things.

Beer was easy money.
They don't care.

And you do?

Yes. I know
this will work.

You know, the young ladyis very persuasive.

Well, for starters,

how about seaweed

Yeah, how about it?

I could haveyou all arrested.

You won't.

Why not?

You've got too much
to lose.

It seems i'vealready lost it.

You've lost
a few buildings--

insured beyond
their value,
no doubt.

No doubt.

I've also lostthe ingredient.

What's to keep mefrom taking it back?

It's too late.
Lakeside'll scream
bloody murder.

They have no reason
not to,

unless, of course,
neither side has
the ingredient.

Look, we keep quiet,

and we keep
the ingredient, okay?

Sad to say, you'll both
still sell a lot of beer,

even without it.

It'll be our
little secret.

Teegarden, you area son of a bitch.

You're hardly in
a position to
insult him.

Why, Meredith,i meant it Asa compliment.

Blake! Blake!

We're over here.

Oh, that's our ride.

Mr. Marshall,
have a pleasant evening.

It's been fun.

Man: Building four is to be
evacuated immediately.

Repeat: Evacuate building four.

This is a precautionary
measure only.

Hey, hey, hey,good to see you!

How's it goin'?Great. Just great.

Bill, you haven'tchanged a bitsince college.

Meredith, you look
great, too.

Maybe we oughta
get outta here.

Uh, miss Casey,may I offer you a ride?

Since it appearswe'll be working together,

perhaps we can makeone another's acquaintance.

That would be nice,
Mr. Johnson.

Please, you cancall me barkley.

Then tell me, barkley,

your instructions
were to steal the vial,

not blow up
the building.

Isn't this a bit

This, my dear,was a special favor

to a rather determinedyoung lady.

Oh? And who might
that be?

Don't you just love
happy endings?

I do.

Such a fitting climax
to an esoteric fable

of moral turpitude

and conflicting
social values.

Yet, of course,

viewers of limited
intellectual capacity

may find our message
somewhat oblique.

It is to those I say

sour grapes.

See ya.