Happy Hour (2003) - full transcript

Set in present day New York City, "Happy Hour" is a literate and often funny story of love and how to receive it. Tulley, a once-promising literary star now biding his time as an advertising copy editor, moves from cynicism to acceptance as he secretly hopes to write a great novel only to learn that his life of booze will end all too soon. Levine, his best friend and Natalie, the woman who might have saved him, suffer the pain of Tulley's anger and rejection.

Let me think.

Where to begin?

New York City.

♪ I've gotta break
the ice to meet you ♪


And once again I find
myself sitting at the bar.

My bar.

In the middle of the city.

In the middle of the world.

This could be my lucky night.

The woman on the next stool

has been matching me drink
for drink for two hours now.

Could it be the time has come
for me to introduce myself?

Maybe so.



Nice to meet you, Tulley.

I'm Natalie.

Bottoms up, Natalie.

♪ Yeah, I kinda like
the looks of you ♪

Happy hour's over.

He's a jolly fellow?

Kelly hasn't been the same

since he lost the Miss
America Pageant back in '74.

Pool table's open.

Do you play?

♪ I could walk right up
and say hello ♪

♪ It's true, yeah, I kinda
like the looks of you ♪

♪ We could sail a boat
on the ocean blue ♪

♪ With the fishes singing
in a full bright moon ♪



It's OK.

I can't stand kids, though.

I can see where that
would be a problem.

Anyway, school talk's boring.

What do you do?

I, um...

I edit copy at an ad agency.

Sounds interesting to me.

It pays the bills.

What do you
do in your spare time?

I write and I drink.

Drinking help you write

or are you the clichéd writer
with a drinking problem?

Actually I'm more of a drinker
with a writing problem.

Well, that was a
complete waste of chalk.

Would you like another one?

You trying to get me drunk?

Now why on Earth would
I try and do that?

So you can get in my pants.

I don't think they'd fit me.

We drink, we shoot pool,
you get me drunk...

Next thing you know
we're at your place.

What's wrong with your place?

My place is a mess.

So is mine.

You talked me into it.

Say what you will.

I've spent many of the
best moments of my life

drunk off my ass.

All right?

I'm all right.

Who put that there?

It's like an ambush!

Easy, easy, easy, easy, Teach.

Going too fast for you, ad man?

No, but a fellow likes to ask.

So ask.

What are you doing up there?

Come here.

What is it?

You can't be serious.

What the hell is that?

A walking catastrophe.

You want me to scare ya?

Should I take my pants off?

It doesn't work.

This is the only
thing that works.

That's attractive.

I can burp the
alphabet if you want.

Just no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stop that.

All right,
then pull my finger.

If you have any intentions...

-Pull my finger.
-of having sex with me,

you will stop that.

Go on, pull my finger.

Forget it.

Is sex important to you?

Well, I'm a man.

And men are sex-craved animals.


Sex is important to me.

Well, I'll let you in
on a little secret, Tulley.

What's that?

Women want men and sex
just as much as men do.

Men and sex as much
as women want them.

We just have more class.

Can you say that,
could you do that in English?


Pull my finger.
Pull my finger.

That's so classy.


Save me.

Save me.




I found
a cup of yesterday's.

It's OK, I reheated it.

What are you having?

Hair of the dog that bit me.

You want some?

No, thanks.

How about some water?

I'll see what I can do.

Do you do this a lot?

What? Go out drinking,

pick up a gorgeous
school teacher

and have hot passionate
sex with her?

About, twice a year.

No, I mean the drinking.

What do you mean?

Don't the hangovers kill you?

I don't get any.



I mean,
I couldn't drink if I did.

I'm a total coward
when it comes to pain.

I am built strictly
for pleasure.

You don't
have to walk me home.

you don't want me to?

I just don't want you

to feel like you have to.

I'm a big girl.

If this is just a,
you know, I mean, last night,

if it was just what
it was and, whatever.

This is just a,
what it was,

a whatever.

Do you mind?

-I'm trying to be graceful.
-You don't teach English, do ya?

Trying to be graceful?

-Is that what it is?

- Yeah.
- I see,

you're letting me off the hook.



You're a riot, you know that?

Yes, I know that.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing, just...

the people that I like bombed

are usually a pain in the
ass when they're sober.

Is that a sort of,
kind of a compliment?

Kind of, sort of, yeah.

Well, thank you, I think.

You're welcome, I think.

This is me.

That's amazing.

All these years
three blocks away

and I've never ran into you?

You probably weren't looking.

Probably not.

So, do you...

so do you wanna...

Do you wanna meet me
tonight at the bar?


What time?

You know.

Maybe sorta...

5:30, to be precise.

-All right.

OK, yeah.

-Thank you.


OK. Have fun with
the little monsters.

And so we parted.

And I stumbled off to work.

Off to drudgery's cathedral.

My penitentiary.

The place I'm
swallowed each morning

and coughed out each night.

That strange netherworld
of mild tortures

where time itself has long since
given up bothering to pass.

No, mother, I'm not coming.

You know I hate Connecticut.

All those birds,
all those trees, it unsanitary.

-Hold on.

Can't you see I'm having a
conversation with my mother?

Hey, Ma?

What did the banana
say to the vibrator?

"I don't know why
you're shaking.

She's gonna eat me!"

Yeah, well, think about it.

Call me when you get it.


You might find that interesting.

What is it?
Your resignation?

It's the job you last proofed.

It is completely
riddled with errors.

Well, riddle me this, Batboy.

Why do you suppose there are
so many errors in this copy?

Because you're a
useless, drunken fool.

No, the reason my
socks don't match

is because I'm a useless,
drunken fool.

The reason there are so
many errors in this copy

is because your well-paid
copywriters can't spell.

I've already shown
that to Bonnie.

I think you should know that.

Let me ask you something, Scott.

Did you show it to her before
or after you had sex with her?

Because I would hate to think

that you're using me
as foreplay.


See what happens.



Scott's in a mood.

You have no idea.

That guy wants my job so bad

he'd run naked through
Grand Central Station to get it.

There's an ugly picture.

You think that's bad,
listen to this.

With new Clean and Clear
you will experience

a brightness as never before.

Before what?


Attention Kmart Shoppers!

Would a Christopher Boyer
please report to lost and found.

We have located your children.

Please pick them up before
we put them on sale!

It's just appalling...

You would think that this
boy had an I.Q. of a lentil.

You wanted to see me?

Do the names Strunk and White
mean anything to you at all?


-Should they?

You're a good writer, Chris.

But even a Rolls Royce needs
a polish once in a while.

-Look it over.
-OK, thanks, thanks.

I will, I will.

Get out.


-Let us lunch.

What is there so sweet

as the surreptitious drink

poured down in the
middle of a working day?

You know, in some cultures
people do actually get fired

for drinking on the job.

You're not drinking.
I am.

You think if any of the
suits saw us sitting here

they would question
what I'm drinking?

Why don't you ask me
how my evening was?

How was your evening?

Wait, no, let me guess.

You got drunk, picked up a girl,

you had sex with her, threw up
on her and then she left.

Not bad.
Four out of five.

She was still there
in the morning.

Get out.

Wow. Are you going to
actually see her again?

5:30 at the bar.

Well, congratulations, old man.

Do you mind if I tag along?

I would like to meet the woman

that can actually stand
you two nights in a row.

Certainly, certainly.

Anything I can do to further
your miserable education.

Speaking of furthering
your education.

I'm about to teach you a
brilliant business maneuver.

What could you possibly
teach me about business?

I'm gonna teach you
how to get past Bonnie

and the suits
without being seen.

-What? Where?
-No, no, no.

About 10 paces behind you.
Don't look.


No, shit later.
Just, follow my lead, OK?

Has anybody lost a wallet?

Black leather wallet?

OK, let's go.

I don't know.

That's yours isn't it?

And so we
escaped undetected.

A brilliant ruse and
this is how I expend my...


Shit, my...

You know, if you want
words to get on the paper

you have to actually
press down on the keys.

Why do you insist on using
that horseless carriage?

Because I don't want
the whole office

looking up my skirt.

-What time is it?
-Go home time.

Let's go.

Get out of here.

I give up.

I'm fucked.

You know, it is exhausting
trying to look busy all day

and then being brilliant on
top of that is just murder.

Don't I know it.

Let's go distribute the pain.

All right, all you,
self-proclaimed copywriters.

Your work sickens me

more than a plate of
chocolate covered herring.

And for that you must pay!

Get thee to a dictionary!

Likewise, you, go hence!

And, fair Katherine,
my nostrils quiver in horror

at the stench you put before me.

And young Christopher...


Bremec, Williams
and Jenicek, may I help you?

Hold on, Macduff.

Is she in?

Yes. And she does not
want to be disturbed.

Neither do I, but I
was born this way.

Bonnie! It's Tulley.
I'm leaving.

OK. Good night.

Have you seen Scott?

No, I haven't.

I thought you might have.

No, I haven't.
Good night.

I wanted to answer a question
he had before I left.

Well, he's not here.

Yeah, he wanted to know
about a treatment for crabs.

Would you tell him that the
name of the shampoo is Bug-Rid.

B-U-G dash R-I-D.

Bremec, Williams
and Jenicek, may I help you?

It's for you.



Get out of here.

Whatever you say, General.

Thank you.

God, I hate
that drunken asshole.


I oughta start
charging you two rent.

We're just waiting for the bus.

It, it does come here, right?

She's late.

She'll be here.

You'll see.
She's a nice girl.

How did she deal with
hanging around you?

We have a lot in common.


Well, we both like to go
drinking on Wednesday night

and we both think
that I'm adorable.

And that, in your opinion,
makes her a nice girl?

Well, I admit that the depth
of my knowledge in this area

-is quite narrow, but, um...

She's all right.

Is that her?



-Hi, sorry I'm late.
-How are you?

It's all right.

You waiting long?

Waiting is what I do best.

Natalie McConnell, Levine.


Levine can't believe
that a nice girl like you

would want to be
involved with someone me.

Nice to meet you.


And Tulley's wrong.

-I'm not a nice girl.
-You're not?

No. I was a nice girl 10 years
ago, but I outgrew it.

Can I get a vodka
cranberry please?

So is Levine your full name?

- Yeah. Like Sting, Beck.
- Tulley.

Yeah, we couldn't
think of a second name.

We have writer's block.

You another drinker
with a writing problem?

That's my line!

She walked right into it.

Fell for it's more like it.

Well. I'm nowhere near the
league that Tulley is in,

either as a drinker or a writer.

Did he tell you that he was
voted the most promising writer

of 1980 by the
National Review of Books?


He's even had some
short stories published,

to say nothing of his novel.

You wrote a novel?

I'm writing a novel.

I'm still-still working on it.

How long have you
been working on it?

Let's see, what day is it today?


17 years.

You've been writing the
same book for 17 years?

I had writer's block,

so I took a decade
off for bad behavior.

But, can we talk
about another subject?

Let's talk about you.
How was your day?

How about we talk about
another other subject?

OK. Levine?
Ask me how she was in bed.

Don't you dare.

How was she in bed?

You say one word
and the rest of this

is going over your head.

Don't worry.

I would never believe
anything he said.

Actually, she was...

Very unselfish.


That was sweet of you.

I meant every word.

What time is it, Levine?

It's either a quarter
past one or January 15th.

I hope my train
is still running.

How many times do
I have to tell you?

You're not in Boston anymore.

The trains run all night here.

Here we go.

The bars are open
until four a.m.


And the streets
are paved with gold

and all the women

-are gorgeous...
-Yeah, I know.

-Boston sucks.
-and available.

We're all backwards
and repressed

because of that
one o'clock last call.

- It's barbaric!
- It's terrible.

Three hours of less drinking
is barbaric?

Never underestimate
the value of alcohol.

It brought us together.

He's right.

You know, drinking
will improve everything,

your writing, your jokes,
your love life.

Levine, are you seeing anyone?

Just Tulley.

You're sweet.

You know, I feel kind
of funny being here.

I could've gotten a cab.

Think nothing of it,
I couldn't bear the idea

of you trekking
all the way back to Siberia.

-Same thing.

You just sleep on
the couch as usual

and I'm gonna go in the
other room and have some fun.

As usual.

You know,
I gotta get me one of those.

She's-she's all right.

Yeah, she is.

I meant to, I meant
to give this back to you.

I read it.

It's very good.

It's depressing,
but it's what you do best.

Well, thanks.

I just wish I could
make some money at this.

No, no, no, no.
You don't want that.

Not at all.

No, no, you-you're not
interested in money, Levine.

I definitely think that you are
leaning toward the artistic.

Well, I guess
I'll just follow your lead.

Don't do that.

Just remember what the
bumper sticker says.

"Don't follow me, I'm lost".


Good morning.

Good morning.

We're gonna
start our morning now

with our stretches.

First, we have to breathe
in always in the morning.

Stand with your feet
shoulder width apart.


Hey, wake up.

Let me guess.

New York City.

Sometime in the 21st century.

Two out of two.

Up. Shower's all yours.

What time is it?

It's either 7:30
or the Ides of March.

Come on, hop to it.
Let's go.

Cutting back, I see.
Still no coffee?

Somebody told me that caffeine
was bad for your system,

but if you don't care who
or what goes inside of you.

My God.
You made me coffee.

Hey, it's instant,
it's not real coffee.

That's OK.
Instant's good.

Just take it easy, all right?

I didn't go buying
furniture or anything.

I just boiled some damned water.



See you tonight.

You're pretty sure of
yourself, aren't you?


Pretty sure of you, though.


May I help you?

I have a question.

I swear I did not hear you
guys having loud, raucous sex.

That's not my question.

It's about his drinking.
How much of a problem is it?

He's definitely
an alcoholic.

He's not a violent
or a stupid drunk.

He just drinks
because he enjoys it.

At least, that's
what he tells me.

You believe him?

No, but I respect his right

to screw up his life
however he chooses.

We've all got our demons.

Yeah, but he's killing himself.

Well, take it from me.

If you mention that to him,
he'll never speak to you again.


One more question.


I know this is gonna sound
stupid my having to ask,

but could you tell me
his first name?

I love it
when he does this.

I knew him for about
a week before I found out.

-It's Ryan.

Doesn't he like his first name?

I don't know.

Everyone just calls him Tulley.

Probably because
he's always getting yelled at.

Hey, aren't you-aren't you
curious about my first name?

Tulley told me.

It's Daniel.

My God.

-He told you the truth.

This is historic.

Friday morning.

Time for my weekly
lecture from Bonnie.

Hello, Bonnie.

I just want to know...

what goes on in that
gin-soaked head of yours.

If you really must know,

I was trying to remember

where the first place
was that we...

What happened to her?

Why does she act like this?

Why's she wearing that blouse?

I mean, when she first
came here, she was...

she was so sweet.

We had a raging affair
that lasted months,

I mean, there is not
a surface in this room

on which she and I
have not had sex.

What happened to all that?

Where'd it all go?

You finished?

I am.

No, I just remembered
where we first made it.

It was right here on the desk
and then it was on the couch

and then it was on the floor,
so it went desk, couch, floor.

Let it go, Tulley!

What do you think
happened to us?

One of us sobered up.

I didn't do it.


Do you have a reference
book for authors in print?

-Letter T?

You know?
If you gotta drink that shit,

you might wanna
try a few Tic Tacs

before going back to work.

Bonnie's gonna fire me
no matter what I do.

-OK, that's the spirit.
-Just promise me something.

That when she does

you will avenge me
in some underhanded way.

I swear, sire.
I will avenge thee.

Wait here, lackey.

Excuse me, ladies.

My friend and I couldn't
help noticing you both

and we were wondering if,

you'd like to join us for lunch?

Fuck off.

Very nice.

Can you believe?

Am I losing my touch or what?

What do you think?
Am I...

You think I'm in love
or something?

With Natalie?

I believe you might be.

But, that's not your problem.

Your problem is that
you're this close

to losing your freaking job.

Don't worry about it, Levine.

Why would somebody
who hates kids

so much become a school teacher?

The point is, if you know
they're out to get you,

then why hand them the ax

they need to chop
your head off, right?

Don't get me wrong, I don't
like kids that much myself,

but I don't work with any.

Except for you, of course.

So, you refuse to listen?

You just refuse to
straighten yourself out?

What are you getting
so excited about?

It's just a job.

I'm not gonna change who
I am for a lousy paycheck.

You're not willing to change
even just a little bit?


I'm perfectly satisfied
with the person that I am.

How can that be?

I am totally dissatisfied
with the person I am,

and I'm not half the
asshole that you are.

You know, Levine?

You're gonna have to learn

to get much more
satisfied with yourself.

I mean, what if you
live to be a hundred?

Well, I couldn't afford it.

Well, if you do, you ought
to do it with a smile.

There'll be nobody left around
to cut your meat for ya.

Another life lesson.

I gotta start
writing these down.

Yes, you do.

Where are you going?

To a book signing.


Step up,
please, step up.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Step up,
please, step up.

Would you like something,
um, special?


Who wants to read the pathetic
ravings of an old lunatic?


My God, I come from
Florida to sign my books.

How did you know I was here?

It's in the paper,
you're a big deal.

I keep forgetting,
then I remember and I drink.

can I take a moment?

Of course,
Dr. Pitcoff, but not too long,

we have a lot of
customers waiting.

Yes, yes, of course.

Quick, quick, quick, quick,
we'll make a run for it.

God, Tulley, I almost
did not recognize you.

I tell you, you look like death.

I am death.

I have my car parked downstairs
waiting to take us to hell.

No, no, no, I have
too many books to sign.

Besides, I am not ready to die.

-You look great.
-I feel great.

Are you writing?

-Now and then.

Not "now and then".
Every day.

You must write every day.

What did I tell you?

-It is like?

-It is like?

-It is like?

No, no.

Did I tell you that?

No, I told you that.

Well, it is very good.
I will use that.

It is a pity you did not absorb
the discipline of your father.

I saw him the other day.

Where'd you see him?

It was at something
to raise money

to stop people
from doing something.

Could you be less specific?

I wish.

My star.

My most promising.


How did you grow so old?

Day by day, Maestro.

Day by day.

♪ I go to bed in the morning ♪

♪ Up in the afternoon ♪

Actually, I'm more of a
drinker with a writing problem.


I said I'm a drinker
with a writing problem.

♪ Take a look at my sidewalk ♪

♪ The memories
grab the pavement ♪

It's a play on words.

Well, good talking to ya.

♪ It's a lonely road
without now ♪

♪ It's a lonely road ♪

♪ Ripped and torn but
I get through somehow ♪

♪ It's a lonely world ♪

How you doing, Levine?

Not bad.

-How are you?
-I'm OK.

Where's your partner?

♪ Without you now ♪

♪ Let me stay ♪

I didn't know
he played with a band.

That's his former band.

He jams with them whenever
they come to town.

Can I buy you a drink?



Vodka and cranberry, please.

Good memory.

That's why they pay me
the big bucks.

♪ It's a lonely ♪

♪ Such a lonely ♪

Levine, can I ask
you a question?

You want me to get
in the shower first?

What do you think
of Tulley's writing?

I've never read any of it.

He won't let me.

I just read his short stories.

They're really good.

All about his growing up
in New York.

Surprisingly sad stuff.

You'd better stash that.

If he sees it,
he'll pitch a fit!

Why don't you take it?

Is he any
relation to the Ryan Tulley?

Yeah, that's his father,

but you didn't hear it from me.

He's full of secrets, isn't he?

Yeah. But he's obviously
nuts about you.

How do you know?

I'm Levine.

It's my job to know.


Not bad for a broken down drunk.

That was great.

I really miss playing
with those guys.

Yeah? You gonna go on tour
with them, Pops?

You kidding?

I could barely survive
the walk to the subway.

Hey, there's a table.
Want to grab it?


Here you go.

You know, I think
I need a drink.

Let me get it for you.

Would you?

You just stay here
and enjoy your groupie.

You sounded really great.

Your face got so red

I was afraid your head
was gonna explode.

I was saving
that for the finale.

Your drink.

Tough day at the office?

No, you don't even
know the half of it.


Yes, Master.

And hurry.

What happened?

We do not speak about it.

You see that?

That was it.


Right there.

My high water mark.


And then.

-Geez, I'm so sorry!

-What the fuck?
-It all starts

to tumble down.


-What the fuck you doing?
-Come on!

The carefree
pointless tale,

of my carefree pointless life.

...come back here again.

I don't want no trouble.

You hear me?

Hey, you hear me?

Hey, hey, hey!

One knee in the gut
and suddenly my clock

has begun to tick.

This is all I could find.

-How's your head?

It's probably
just a concussion.

A few weeks in a coma
and I should be fine.

Yeah well, you can sleep on
the couch, but I must warn you,

if you die in the
middle of the night,

I will have to stuff
your body into a compactor.

I'm a mess.

My life is a total waste
of time and energy.

Hey, Springsteen,
let's get some sleep.


Feel better, Levine.


Good night.

You don't suppose
she's got a sister?

Three brothers.

I can't get a break.

What's her mother like?

You all right?

Time will tell.
Time will tell.

Listen, when you're,
when you're done with that,

put it back in the freezer.

I gotta eat that tomorrow night.

I finally got that
pesky kid off to sleep.

-Holy shit!

Your whole backside's purple.

Holy shit, look at that.

I forgot to tell you
I was part baboon.

My ass turns purple
when I get aroused.



Advanced cirrhosis.

There's a shock.

Mysterious internal hemorrhage.

You know I gonna handle that.

Intestinal necrosis.

Now, I wasn't
ready for that one.

What the hell is
intestinal necrosis?

I'll go on record.

I have never
mistreated my bowels.

Fuck, I need a drink.

So I said to the girl,

"Never sleep with a
first time writer.

He doesn't have the advances
to back up the advances."

Well, when it comes
to attracting women,

you're something of an
expert, aren't you, Hamilton?

You know my slogan:
we dose, but never close.

Excuse me, gentlemen,
I'll be right back.

Is this some kind of joke?

Actually, it's a snack.

I was hoping to have some lunch,

but they wouldn't let me in.

Why wouldn't they?

Look at yourself.

You're disgusting!

Ryan, I'm sorry we're late,

but I couldn't get
Dunleavy to move his ass.

I'm gonna bust my ass for
a lousy bloody cup of tea?

Go on inside and I'll
join you later, all right?

-Good seeing you.

Good afternoon,

This oughta be fun,
the whole wax works is here.

Let's take a walk.

Ryan, I didn't
invite you down here

to embarrass me in
front of my friends.

I asked you because your
mother wants to know

what you intend to do about
your sister's wedding.

Tell her I'm getting
my shotgun polished.

The ceremony is in two weeks

and she wants to know if
you're going to attend.

She's actually inviting me?

Yes. Despite the spectacle you
made at your brother's wedding.

Well, they said it
was an open bar.

The point is that your mother
very much wants you to do this.

It'd please her greatly.

There's $500 in there.

Get yourself a decent suit.

You're bribing me to go?

I'm asking you to go.

Well, we wouldn't wanna
upset Mother, would we?

That would be your department.

Why didn't she ask me herself?

She's having one
of her illnesses.

What happened?
She run out of scotch?

Look who's talking.

You know, I just
can't understand

how you can let yourself
get into this condition.

Did you ever have
writer's block?


How about jock itch?
Ever get jock itch?

Do you ever get anything
that the rest of us fucking
lowly humans get?

I can't talk to you
when you're like this. Goodbye.

What do you mean "goodbye",
what about lunch?

You're not getting any lunch.

I'm not getting any lunch?

What are you, sending me
to my fucking room?

Try to get yourself
together by the wedding.

-Two weeks!
-Two weeks!

Absolutely true, we both wrote
the names down on our napkin,

Hitler, Stalin, Walter Romelli.

Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to move along.

What a bunch of bullshit.

This is bullshit!

thinks that he's some

Harvard educated blue blood.

Do you know where he's from?

He's from Queens.

He's a shoe clerk
from fucking Woodside Queens!

-Would you like me...

Would you like me
to call you a cab?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll call you a cab.

You're a yellow fucking cab,
you piece of shit!

Sir, if you don't move along
I'm going to call the police.

Go ahead, I don't give a shit.

I don't give a shit.
Call 'em.

Call the fucking police!

It'll serve him right,
the bastard.

Look, I just came
here for lunch.

I want my lunch.

I just want fucking,
just want lunch.


You go so long

thinking that you have
all the time in the world.

And then one day you
discover that you don't.

It was a transition
I have to admit

that I made rather awkwardly.

It's funny how easily
people dismiss you

when you're lying
on the sidewalk.

It's as though, it's as though,

they aren't surprised
to see you there.

Where's Tulley?

Not my
turn to watch him.

Cut the crap.

He's what?

Three hours late?


We have a lot of work
to do around here.

If he shows up shitfaced,
let's just say...


Is that anything like
being a brown nose?

You keep joking, but your
little playmate's going down

and if you keep protecting him,
you're next.

-Hey, Levine.

-Where's your better half?

I don't know. He never
showed up to work today.

Did you call his place?


You want a drink?

Let's call his place.

You've reached Tulley.

Friends of mine know better
than to call me here.

The rest of you can all
go to...

Well, I see you
took my advice and cleaned up
your message.

I'm down here at
the bar with Natalie

and we are running
off to Bora Bora

and we just wanted you
to be the first to know.


Tulley, are you there?

Are you screening?

Pick up.


Hi, Tulley.



We're all about to go home.
Just about given up on you.


How was Bora Bora?

Where were you?

What are you,
my parole officer?


I was just... I was worried.

Yeah, well, I'm touched.

Natalie was worried too.

She's coming by the bar tonight.


You look awful.

Thank you. You know, you're not
exactly giving Brad Pitt

a run for his money yourself.

How was lunch with your Dad?

It was fine.

He asked me how I was,
he gave me advice,

he picked up the check,

he sent me home with
a high priced hooker.

The usual.


How about I buy you a drink?

Vodka neat.


What kind?

I don't care.
Whatever you got.

Since when do you drink beer?

Since when do you ask
so many questions?


Jesus, Tulley.

What the hell have you
been doin' to yourself?
You look like shit.

Knock off the sweet talk, Kelly.

You're getting
the same tip as always.

There you are.

You had us worried sick.

Where were you?

He's not telling.

Tulley, you look like shit.

Well, now it's unanimous

Vodka cranberry, please.

So, how was school, darling?

Don't ask.
I got a promotion.

-More work. Less fun.

All hail the new millennium.

Happy hour's over.

I hate that.


-The bell.
-"Ask not

for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee."

I'm gonna go.

What are you doing?

I'm just gonna go.

Would you cut out the bullshit
and tell me what's wrong?

You're sick of
the bullshit already?

That didn't take long.

Goddamn it, Tulley, talk to me.

Honey! Must we fight
in front of the kids?

Well, if this is the
way you're gonna be,
then you might as well go.

Yeah, fine.
I'll give you a call.

You don't have my number.

Let me make it
really simple for ya.

We had a great time.
It's been fun.

And it's time to move on.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about me.

I don't wanna be your
next project, OK?

If you need some way
to fill in your time,

try fucking basket weaving,
but leave me the fuck alone.

What the hell was that about?


She would be
better off now, free of me.

And I'd be better off too.

Why on Earth would I want
some love struck woman

weeping over me as I declined.


No, that's shit.


Tulley, open up.

I know you're in there.

Go away.
Can't you read the welcome mat?

Get Lost.


How did you get a key?

You gave it to me.

Well, give it back!

Why are you being so mysterious?

I'm not being mysterious,
I'm being difficult.

I thought your specialty
was satire, not melodrama.

Yeah, well, I can't do either

if I'm sitting here
talking to you.

- Now, will ya take a hike?
. I need a drink.

Yeah, well,
there's a bar on every corner.

Can I get you something?

Yes, you can get lost!

What are you drinking?



Yes, water.

Is there anything
wrong with that?

No, no, nothing.

I'm just surprised to find it
within 10 feet of you.

I'll get you some more.

You still here?

Where is my water?

Did you drink all
that booze in there?

I had help from some friends.

Bullshit. Other than me,
you don't have any friends.

OK. I had help from
some thirsty enemies.

Hey, I'm not leaving
until I get an answer.

Did you drink all that booze?

No. I poured it down
the drain, OK?

Ya happy now?

That's terrific, Tulley.

That's, that is a
terrific first step.

Maybe you can quit.

I have quit.

Well, that's...
I don't know what to say.

How about goodbye?

I think that is, this is the
smartest thing you could do.

What the fuck is wrong
with you, all right?

I don't want you here!

Get out or I'm gonna push you
through the fucking keyhole!

-What are you getting
so upset about?
-This is none of your business!

And what is this, what were
you doing in a hospital?

That's none of your
fucking business.

Why were you
poking through my shit?

-I'm your friend
and I'm concerned about you.
-Yes, you have no right.

- Fuck!
- Tulley?

Hey, you all right?

Call an ambulance.

Operator? Operator,
could you get me a-a
hospital in Manhattan?

No, you moron, call 911!

Never mind.

Hang on.

Lying there
I made a realization.

I realized that I would
spend a large part

of the remainder of my life
staring at the ceiling.

Throw it!



What are you doing here?

I didn't go into work today.

I was playing hooky.

How is the asshole?

He's dying.

No, I'm-I'm serious,
he's-he's dying.

What happened?

He collapsed.

His liver's shot.

Um, they took out a
big chunk of his colon

and put in a colostomy
bag, but there's-

there's not much
that they can do.



Take it easy there, Pops.

Is that bag uncomfortable?

Yeah, but
worse than that,
it clashes with my shoes.

Excuse me.

It's good to be home.
I have a lot of stuff to do.

Yeah, listen, before we go in,

there's something
I got to tell you.

What, you want to carry
me over the threshold?


Natalie's inside.

Anything else?

She's making a pot roast.

After we eat,
I'm gonna kill you.

Look what I found
out by the curb.

A real fixer-upper.

Hello, Tulley.

Hi, Teach.

You look good.


Wish I could say the same.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about being such a...



Pain in the ass?

Take your pick.

Save your apologies.

I might owe you one
after you taste my cooking.


What do you think?

About what?

The food.

So this is food.

I've heard a lot about it.

Hey, it's hard to
have an appetite

when you're wearing your
waste outside your pants.

The doctors said you should
have stayed in the hospital.

It'd be cheaper for me to
stay at Club Med for a week.

I just...

I just need to rest,
I just need to detox a little.

I'd say you need to detox a lot.

I need to finish my book.

How far along are you?

Not far enough.

You know, I think
I need to lay down.

Here, let-let me
get the dishes.

Just throw 'em out.

I don't use 'em that much.

Jesus, Tulley, you're soaking.

I'm taking these pills.

I don't know what they're for,
but they're making my skin leak.

You shouldn't take pills

if you don't know
what they're for.

Thank you for
the advice, doctor.

Honey, don't.

What's it look like?

You don't
have to do that.

I know.

But I also know if I don't,

you're gonna sleep
in the damned things.

What's wrong with
sleeping in your shoes?

Hemingway slept in his shoes.

-No, he didn't.

Damn, another myth exploded.


Come here.

Come on, please, come here.

Come here. Come on.

Come on!

You OK?

Yeah. I just have to be
careful how I twist around.


This OK?

That's good.

You'll let me know
if I hurt you?

- I will.
- OK.

You know, I can't tell
you how horny I've been.

Tulley, you do know how to
sweet talk a girl, don't you?

Yeah. Well, you know, I was
in the hospital for three days,

I was completely immobilized.

I became totally sex-obsessed.

It's all those nurses.

All those nurses.

In their little white
starched uniforms?

The little white
starched uniforms.

That was a torture.

Let's see if we can get you
a little more relaxed.

Let's see if we can.

-It's not good.

It's the incision, it's just...


I just, I can't do it.

It's OK. It's OK.

This is so humiliating.

You're sick.

-It's not humiliating.
-No, I just can't, you know.

It's OK.

Listen, why don't you
give-give Levine a hand?


I need to catch my breath.


How's he doing?


Still frisky.

That's a good sign.

You know, if his blood
gets cleaned up enough,

they might be able to
get him a new liver.

I feel kinda helpless.

I wanna do something,
but I don't know what.

We just gotta watch him.

They told me that he'll have
fatigue, day and night sweats,

bleeding, wounds that
won't heal, hallucinations.

Why did he have to fuck
himself up like that?

Fuck! Who am I kidding?

I sat right next to him...
the whole time.

It was fun.

It was fun.

He could think of the most
outrageous ways to waste time.

Go home, Levine.
You're tired.

I'll stay here tonight.

A peculiar thing

about being slammed up
against your mortality

is that it changes things.

Things, people, they all
get turned upside down.

How's Tulley?

Not good.

When's he getting
out of the hospital?

He's out. He's home.


Yes, Mother,
it's worse than a cold.

What do you mean?

Put it this way,
remember that bike I wanted

when I was 10 years old?

Well, if you're ever
gonna get it for me,

this would be the year.



Ma, let me call you back.

My boss is here to yell at me.


How the hell did you get keys?

Levine gave me his set.

What the hell are you
doing out of the hospital?

They didn't have
the Playboy Channel.

Do you know that the
company can't cover you

if you sit at home?

Fuck the company.

You have
to be hospitalized.

I am not gonna die in some
fucking hospital, OK?

Look. If you won't go back
to the hospital,

maybe you can do
some work at home.

I can't.
I gotta finish my book.

If you do a little work at home,

I can put you on the books.

Do what you can and
I'll go to bat for you, OK?

I'll look it over and
make some revisions

and send it back with Levine.

That'll be fine.

do me a favor, will you?


When I'm dead, will you throw
my ashes in Scott's face?

He's really not
that bad, Tulley.

He came with me today.


Where's he hiding, in your bra?

He's downstairs.

He felt a little
uncomfortable about coming up.


No sir, it's pretty obvious
the guy can't hack it anymore.

You know, it's time to
go to a younger team.


Tulley, what are you doing?

There you are.

So sweet and unsuspecting.


No sir,
you're absolutely right.

My God!

Bombs away!

That's the bottom line.


Is that shit?

Is that shit?
Is that shit?

Anything else?

No. I have to get back
to the office.

I'm putting a spot on for B&G.

I'm gonna be premiering
it at the meeting.

I'm so sorry
I'm missing that.


Take care.

Because Tulley has taken ill,

I am temporarily putting Scott

in charge of the
B&G presentation.

So, please afford him
all the respect

that you would any
senior copywriter.

Thank you.


People, um, I know that I
speak for Bonnie when

when I say that
we got a good team here.

A strong team.

A young team.

So, I just wanted to let you
know that I'm here to help.

My door is always open

for any and all questions
that you may have.


I have a question.

What happened to your pants?

All right then.

Let's get back to work.

The big presentation
is in 15 days.

Writing is always
a challenging discipline.

Writing with the DT's...

well, it's more challenging.

Of course, I did find
something that helped.

Ricky! I'm home!


Hey, there you are.

You hungry?

-No, thanks.
-I got Chinese.


So you actually like your job?
Adding numbers all day?

Yeah, it's not so bad.
The money's pretty good.

It's not what I plan on doing
for the rest of my life.

-What do you want to do?
-I'd like to write.

I'd like to write and
actually get paid for it.

And get a house.

Maybe a family.

I heard you were almost married.

Yeah. Almost.

What happened?

I had her killed.

What happened?

I don't know.

Didn't work out.

You ever been married?

Not even close.

I have had hundreds
of kids though.


You've managed to keep
your girlish figure.

Yeah, right.

Dammit, Ryan, this is nonsense.
Let me in.

You know,
I'm sorry, it just,

it just doesn't ring a bell.

What seems to be the trouble?

My son.
He's a lunatic!

Are you-are you
Tulley's father?

Unfortunately yeah.
Who are you?

We're friends of his.

You have my sympathy.

You gonna let me in or not?

You gotta help me out.

You gotta, you gotta
help me place this.

Um, where did you say we met?

Tulley, it's us.
Knock it off.

Levine, come on,
you're spoiling everything.

I almost got rid of him.

Let me take these up.

- Thanks.
- I'll see if I can talk to him.

It was nice to
meet you, Mr. Tulley.

If you don't mind
my asking, sir,

is there-is there
anything I can do?

I'm just trying to
get in to see my son.

When I do I'm going to
wring his miserable neck.

I gave him 500 bucks

to get a suit to go to
his sister's wedding.

And he took it.
And never showed up.

Then he phoned his mother
and upset her even more

with some twaddle
about being bed ridden.

Well, he is very ill, sir.

He won't let me see him.

Makes me stand
out here playing games.

As a matter of fact,

we're waiting for a
call from the hospital.

What was that?

You know, I'll bet
he would see you if-

if you'd come back
some other day.

What, and let him
treat me like this again?

No, thank you.

I just came over here
to give him this.


More money.

Money he extorted from
his mother with his lies.

He's not lying, sir.
He-he really is very ill.

Do me a favor, will you?

See if he can put this
money to some good use.

I'm afraid he'll
just drink it up

like he did all the rest.

-Lean in, sweetie.
-Hello, Mrs. Tulley.

I don't believe we've
ever had the pleasure.

You still haven't.

♪ Those girls,
you could be them ♪

♪ But you know that
you'd be good ♪

Have you been bad boys?

I mean really bad boys?

If you're a low life
piece of scum

who's in need of some
serious straightening out,

call me

at 555-01BAD.

That's right.


and ask for me, Rachel.

I'll personally
spank you very much. Ha!

Are you the heathen dog
who wants to party?

Yes, but it, it's not for me.

It's for a friend.

That's original.

It's a surprise.


I want the best time
that 400 bucks can buy.

For him.

I'll take good care of him.

What's he into?


The wilder the better.

OK? Now, they told me that
you have some kind of a camera.

Does he want it taped?


I do.

For an extra 100 I want to
see the whole thing on tape.


Hi. Sorry I'm late.
How is he?

Not too good.

He had a rough night.

I'm glad you're here.

I have some good news.
I spoke to his doctor,

he's being put on
the eligibility list

for a transplant.

That's great.

I gotta run.

Try and see if you can
make him eat something.

-And watch him.

I found him with a
bottle yesterday.

Call me if you need any help.

I will. Bye. Go.



And so my friends
were lending a hand.

The fact is though,

sometimes their helping
wasn't actually helping.



This lead to some
occasional discomfort.

Thank you all for coming.

I've brought you together today

to premiere our newest
commercial spot.

I think it's fabulous.

And I hope you enjoy it.


Where are ya?

Yeah, I'll be right there,
you piece of scum. Just shut up!

I really got
to go to work tomorrow.

I don't care about
your work, you, piece of ass.

You, bad boy.
Bad boy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.
This is all some kind of set up.

somebody switched the tapes.

This is not my ass.
Bonnie, I...

This is obviously
some kind of a...


Bonnie, you have to understand.
I had nothing to do with this.

I did not have sex
with that woman.

It is not my fault.



I have avenged thee, sire.

You awake?

You will not believe
what I have here.

I'll look at it later.

Sure. You OK?

What's the matter?
You hungry?

I had some soup before.

You wanna play some
cards, board games?

Would you grab that,
by the computer?

What? This?

"Happy Hour".

-Is this your book?

- This is your book?
- Yes.

My God!
This is your book!

Could you stop yelling?

-You finished it!

I have...
one more chapter left.


Yeah, it's amazing how knowing

you're gonna croak
motivates you.

Do me a favor,
will you, and um... read it.

"Tuesday. Once again I find
myself sitting at the bar.

My bar in the
middle of the city,

in the middle of the world."


I wrote it.

I know how it goes.


The reason I want you to read it

is because I want you to,
write the death scene.


I can't-I can't do that.

-Yes, you can.

No. No, I can't.

-Yes, you can.
-No, listen, I'm...

I've read your stuff.
You can do it.

-I've talked to my editor.

She's expecting it
in a couple of weeks.

Come on, I've had one foot
in the grave for years.

Get out of here,
go on, no cry babies.

Go on, beat it.

Yeah, I'll let you
get some sleep.

Buck up,
it ain't that bad.

Go get laid.

What's this?

My letter of resignation.

You can't quit on me.

If you're worried about
yesterday, please.

No, it's not that.
I just...

I-I can't stay here anymore.

Why not?

I think if I do, then
I'll just be miserable

and the last thing you need

is another drunken
malcontent on your hands.

I guess you're right.
One was enough.


I think I just...

I need to-to move on.

Well, I'm not gonna
let you do it.

If you quit, you'll only
be hurting yourself,

but if I fire you, you'll
get two weeks severance

and be eligible
for unemployment.

How does that sound?

You're all heart, Bonnie.

Don't let it get around.

Consider yourself fired!

Thank you.

Good afternoon.

What time is it?

Two o'clock.

Why aren't you at work?

It's Sunday.

Must have lost my bearings.

I'm not surprised, you've
been asleep for three days.

Can I get you anything?

I'd love to have some sex,

but I don't
think I'm up to it.

You know what I tell
parents of kids like you?


I tell them little
Tulley's not working

up to his potential.


That's the key.

Where have you
been my whole life?

Three blocks away.

Waiting to meet you.

Do you know what
I'm gonna give you?

Massage with a special finish?


A bath.

But if you're good and
wash behind your ears

we can talk about that after.


I'll wash.

What're you kids up to?

Bath time.
Wanna watch?

Yours or his?


I'll pass.

You know?

Wasn't long ago she couldn't
wait to get me in the shower.

You want her?
You can have her in the will.

Don't I
get a say in this?


Such a sexy man.

Why can't I
have a sponge bath?

Because sponge baths
are for invalids.

And your point is?

You're not an invalid, Tulley.

Can you lift
yourself up a little?

You can sit back down as
soon as I get your pants.


Now I've got you exactly
where I want you.

You're all talk, mister.

I'm on to you.

- I'm all talk, am I?
- Um-

Move back, lady.

OK. What for?

Well, I'm not sure how big
this thing gets anymore.

I don't wanna hurt you.

My Lord!

Will ya look at that?

My God!

You're laughing.
What are you laughing at?

I'm not, sweetie, I'm sorry.

- What are you laughing at?
- I'm not laughing at you.

Come here.
Come here.

Come on.

- You sure?
- Um-

Yeah, I'm sure.

You OK?

Don't break it.

Tell me if it's too much, OK?


Listen, at the risk of
sounding unromantic,

we have to watch
out for the bag.

I don't wanna knock it.





Is that better?


I'm happy to help.

I'm happy you're helping.

That night I had the
most wonderful peaceful sleep.

I dreamt I was
rising over the city.

I dreamt I was flying
through the air.

I was going somewhere.

Was it Queens?

Was it Jersey?

♪ Down there ♪

I didn't know.

♪ Out there ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

But as I saw the
city spread out before me...

I realized...

I was returning
to where I had begun.



Can you come in here?


Don't do this yet.

And in the end,

what could be said but
that it was finished?

The great clattering train seen
approaching from miles away

had finally pulled
into the station.

Silent, as day break.

Silent, as day break.

That's not bad, Levine,
but you know what?

I think it oughta be somethin'
more about you guys,

you know, like...

And since they hadn't
croaked they went on.

You know? Like that.

♪ It's not that I don't
see the way you see me ♪

♪ It's not that I don't
catch your longing gaze ♪

♪ It's just that I'm waiting
for your first move ♪





How are you?

Not bad.

You look good.

Well, thanks.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

I'm OK.

♪ I'd walk right up to you ♪

It feels weird
seeing you without him.


I'm gonna take a sabbatical.

Look for another job.


Maybe move.

I bought you this.

I didn't get you a thing.

Here's to you.

♪ Don't catch my longing gaze ♪

♪ Just that you're waiting ♪

What's wrong?

I've kind of lost
my taste for alcohol.


Me too.

Here you go, Danny.

It's Happy Hour!


He would have
enjoyed your doing that.

Doing what?

What'd I do?

Hey, do I know you?

Stop that!

You know, for a-for a
little whisk of a thing

you pack a mean wallop.

Luckily, I like that.

Well, we gotta do
this again sometime.


We can meet for
coffee or something.

Yes. Coffee.


This is um...


I guess...

It was really great seeing you.

Good to see you too.


Hey, Levine!


I'm pregnant.

That bastard.

♪ La la ta
la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la ta
la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ La la ta
la la la ta ♪

♪ La la la ta ♪

You know? It does not get
any better than this.

Yes. It's true PBS and
the Cartoon Network.

Rumor had it that you dropped
a bag of shit on Scott.

Near him.
Not on him.

You know? You really should
not piss him off.

It was a gesture of
friendship, you know?

In some cultures
we'd be considered engaged.


you and Natalie take
my shit just fine.

Well, that's because
we're saints.


♪ Listing on queasy time ♪

♪ The ferryman sees a lady ♪

♪ Mid gusts and moans
from tougher men ♪

♪ I puff on my menthylator ♪

♪ Upon the sea,
the tall, dark fellow ♪

♪ Nods at us with a shady grin ♪

♪ And waves to show
familiar days are yonder ♪

♪ And sailing on we lift
our mates ashore to ponder ♪

♪ Summer days and nightly
graves and hollow groves ♪

♪ Waltzing round
the hallowed ground ♪

♪ And will we still
be here tomorrow ♪

♪ Weathered news
with pageant shoes ♪

♪ Still lovely ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

♪ Telescope, search my heart ♪

♪ Locate my dark, wicked ways ♪

♪ Don't wanna be rude ♪

♪ I must interrupt ♪

♪ Growing tired of
this nasty parade ♪

♪ But ghosts at the cleaners ♪

♪ I gotta go back ♪

♪ I left my own mother
in an empty shack ♪

♪ Shine a different
light on me ♪

♪ Could you shine a
borrowed light on me ♪

Good morning, Mr. Goner.

Have a pleasant stay.

Sit you down, Father.


-♪ Shine ♪
-♪ I'm sailing on the waves ♪

♪ Trying to get back to you ♪

Serviceable villain.

♪ I'm flying on
the waves to you ♪

So I said to 'em...

♪ Shooting stars
and gipsy cars ♪

-♪ And marzipan ♪
-...baby seal.

You really said that?

♪ Tux and tails,
Parisian snails ♪

♪ And can we come
back here tomorrow? ♪

♪ Famous songs and wild frogs ♪

♪ Still laughing, ha ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed
light for me ♪

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

No, it was Frank.
I remember that.

-I guess it was Frank.
-What? No.

-Frank wasn't blind.
-There's a second one?

Plain blonde.

He died,
of course he died too.

-It was before her?

-Well, he died

-in this chair.
-You wanna kiss me?

-♪ Shine a borrowed light ♪

-♪ On me ♪
-You really said that?

♪ Shine a borrowed light on me ♪

It's a major situation.

♪ Shine ♪

-♪ On me ♪
-Rest you.