Happy Holidays (2008) - full transcript

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not
in our stars, But in ourselves..."
Julius Caesar

♫ Well, there's carols
singing bells a ringing

♫ Bah humbug

♫ It's snug and warm inside your home

♫ Bah humbug ♫

What time do you want
me to close on Friday?

Patrick?

Same time as always, 6.00.

On Christmas Eve?

What?

Oh, 5:00?



It's not like I'm asking you
to close at 5.00 on Christmas.

It's Christmas Eve.

Okay, fine, uh, two.

You know, if we're only
going to be open until two,

maybe we shouldn't bother opening at all.

Two. Got it.

Excellent choice.

Listen, you memorized
all the alarm codes, right?

Because I don't want you
just jotting them down

on some cocktail napkin and

leaving them about for Rocco to pick up.

Rocco?

Then he ends up breaking in here,

and I have to fire you



because he stole all of my flea powder.

I memorized 'em, and I destroyed 'em,

just like you told me.

And then I called NASA,
and they're gonna take

the ashes and shoot 'em up out into space,

so that way--
Okay.

It'll be fine.

Look, don't worry about it,

just go and enjoy your vacation.

That'll be $162.43, please.

Oh, no Francois and I agreed

to a $10.00 maximum this year

on our Secret Santa gifts.

Francois?

My Persian.

I'll be in the back.

Shouldn't be too long now.

Just have to take care
of a few things here.

Probably take the 6:40.

Is that too late?

No, that's perfect actually.

Give me a little time to
get some shopping done.

Two days before Christmas?

Good luck.

You better not be looking
for something for me.

We're leaving for
your sister's tomorrow.

I don't know when else
I'm gonna have time--

Hey, hey, are you okay?

Yeah.

You know, we don't have to go
tomorrow, if you don't want to.

My sister will understand.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We told her we're going, we should go.

Hey.

Yeah.

I love you, you know.

I love you too.

We're all cleaned up in back

I was gonna head home, unless,

What?

Unless you wanted to go get a drink
before you have to pick up Kevin?

Actually, I still have
some shopping I need to do.

I haven't gotten Kevin
his Christmas gift yet.

Trouble in paradise, huh?

No, what makes you say that?

Why'd you wait so
long to get him a gift?

Uh, I've been busy.

You don't think that it's
maybe because subconsciously

- you want to leave him?
- No.

I'm just saying, that if you really cared about the guy, you

would have started planning something
like this in March, fall at the latest.

Look, if there's some kind
of subconsciously-motivated

reason I haven't purchased
Kevin a Christmas gift yet,

it's probably the fact that

I don't particularly like
Christmas all that much.

I always thought that my ex-husband

was a little, you know.

I could call him, set something up.

Mandy.

Something casual, low-key.

Mandy.

Coffee, drinks, you know, a
random chance encounter, hmm?

Mandy.

Kevin and I are fine.

Kevin doesn't have to know.

No.

You could use my boat.

It's not like I'm using
it for anything, so--

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You want me to take out your ex-husband

on the boat that you won in the divorce.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

- No
- Suit yourself.

You can spend the rest of your life
alone if that's what you want.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

I'm still in here!

Hello?

Yeah.

Who is this?

Alden?

Calm down, calm down.

Tell me what happened.

When you get to your
sister's, call me, okay?

I don't want to be up all night worrying

the love of my life
got bludgeoned to death

by some evangelical Bill O'Reilly addict

at some Greensboro gas station.

You know it's not like the
North Carolina state flag

has a picture of Liberace
gettin' the shit kicked out of him.

Yeah, well, it's not
exactly Palm Springs, either.

You sure you don't want me to stay?

I'd be glad to help out, or,

do whatever you need.

We've been over this.

Marian would kill us.

You know how she is.

She's been planning this thing for weeks.

She's got the refrigerator
stocked with your favorite food,

she's got the radio tuned to
your favorite kind of music.

No, no, no, no, you go to Greensboro,
spend time with your sister.

Catch up, talk about me.

I'll deal with my friend, and

if this little crisis of
his is anything less than

spider eggs in his testicles, I swear I'll

put him in a motel and
jump on a plane.

I was kinda hopin' we could spend
some of the holiday together.

We will.

I promise.

Give us a hug.

I thought you were coming in on the train.

I was.
Till it broke down.

It broke down?

They put me on a shuttle in Buffalo.

I don't want to talk about it.

Jesus, well, welcome.

Oh, hey, uh.

Are you okay?

Have you ever taken a
shuttle slash bus slash train

from Chicago to Connecticut?

Would have been faster if I'd skated.

So what, no Kevin?

Uh, no.

He's spending the
holidays with his sister.

- Miriam?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I like Miriam.

Yeah.

You weren't supposed
to go with him, were you?

No.

Shit, Patrick, yes you were.

Yes, god damn it, why
didn't you say something?

Don't worry about it.

I've ruined your holiday now.

Look, Alden, okay, take it easy.

Come on, you're my friend.

You're in distress.

Of course I'm gonna open my home to you.

Nobody should be alone during Christmas.

Halloween maybe, but not Christmas.

Which one of these are yours?

Whew.

Christmas-y than when
your parents lived here.

Yeah, well, my parents could afford it.

Do you have any idea how much money

my father spent on that stupid
Santa's Workshop lawn display?

The one that caught fire and melted,

and made Santa look like the Nazi

at the end of Raiders?

Yeah,

I mean I'm not sayin'
that they had to take out

a second mortgage or anything but,

they made me
give up my guitar lessons.

I could have been the
next Eddie Van Halen.

Or at least Yngwie J. Malmsteen.

They're in Florida now, right?

Maine, actually.

Oh my god.

Is that one
of the ones you designed?

Uh, no, I tried, but,

You want a hand with those?

I got it.

Where should I, uh,

Here, I'll take.

Oh, who's the kitty?

Liza.

Liza, oh, where's David?

She kept beatin' the shit out him, so I

had to put him down.

So, we gonna talk about
my children all night?

Or are you gonna tell me what happened?

You and Claire come on, spill.

Claire proposed.

Wow, congratulations! That's fantastic!

As in...

Neither are you.

this is where things get complicated.

- To Judaism.
- Yes.

When?

About six months ago.

You have been a Jew since July?

Look, I wanted to tell you.

I did, I did,

but I didn't want to
tell you on the phone,

and it's certainly not
the kind of thing you

you know, send in an
email, I'm not gonna--

You're not?

Not at all why would I be angry?

I don't know, I thought
you'd take it as a

personal insult, a negative commentary

until her third trimester and you didn't

send her a birthday present.

I sent her a card, one of the
freebies you gave me, actually.

because she can get
married and have babies

and do whatever she wants, and I can't.

Look, if there's anyone
who understands, it's me,

Look how long it took me to come out
of the closet to you and Kirby.

Yeah, but when your friends
catch you in the locker room

with the captain of the
football team, that's--

Okay, this about you, not me.

Yeah.

love or kind of love

ever again.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

I was in a coma for two days.

You never told me you were in a coma.

I mean, what was that like?

You know how they say

that if you're in a coma
and people talk to you,

you can hear 'em?

Yeah.

You can't.

Oh.

Anyway, um,

you know me, I'm not all that, uh,

I haven't been inside a
church since Mom and Dad died.

I certainly don't pray.

- Not even in Vegas?
- Not even on election night.

But when I finally came to,

the guy who brought me in was there, and

he was a rabbi

at this local synagogue.

Okay.

And I mean it's not like
he was sitting, you know,

vigil or anything, but he checked on me.

On a regular basis, and I mean, that's,

frankly, I would be lying
if I said that I wasn't,

the guy saved my life, Patrick.

So you're saying that
you converted to Judaism

because you felt like you
owed this guy something?

No, no, that's, not at all.

No not at all, as in,
"How astute of you, Patrick.

"How well you know me, my gosh,
I can't get over--"

Some of the things that he said,

it's like for the first time in my life

it's like a light went on.

I feel like I've got a purpose.

You know, I don't mean to negate

all the positive things you're
feeling right now, Alden.

Oh, no, go right ahead.

But we've had this conversation before.

Remember when you transferred
from UNH to Hofstra,

and then you went over to Bennington,

only to drop out just before graduation

so that you could take a
job at the Boston Globe,

only to leave six months
later so you could

move to New York and get a job

at that advertising agency,
which you told me at the time

was the greatest thing
that ever happened to you,

which you told me again
when you moved to Chicago

so you could work for a
greeting card company.

People, they don稚
work for the same company

for years at a stretch anymore, Patrick.

- I mean, statistically--
- You don't see a--

No.

- What were you gonna say?
- Pattern.

I don't know why, but I,

I honestly, I honestly for a minute there

thought you were gonna be happy for me.

I would be, yeah, if you were happy,

but you're not, and I
know that you're not,

'cause if you were, you
wouldn't be callin' me

at 2:00 in the morning,

- Two in the morning your time.
- Cryin' on the phone.

It was one in the morning, my time.

Regardless.

Claire and I cannot be married.

- Can't?
- No.

Do you love her?

- Yes!
- But...

- According to the Torah...
- Okay.

- In the book of Ba Midbar
- Okay.

Pinchas kills a Jewish man

for marrying a non-Jewish woman,

and in the Jewish tradition,
Pinchas is considered

a hero, so obviously--

You marry Claire, and a
rabbi shows up to your house

and murders you in your sleep.

Is that what you're saying?

It's not meant to be taken literally.

Well, I don't like the sub-text

- of this little story of yours
- Parable.

Do as we say
under threat of violence?

Come on, that's a little
medieval, don't you think?

You're not getting this at all.

Oh, really, is that so?

The point of the story--

Parable.

Is not that I personally
am going to die,

but rather that my faith is.

Your faith.

Yes.

What?

I'm sorry, when you were 10,

you didn't know the difference between

the crucifixion and communion.

That was a long time ago,
Patrick, and by the way,

if I'm recalling this correctly,

and I see no reason why I'm not,

you were the one that
always espousing some

great love of God, and
the church, and religion.

Yeah, I also believed in Santa Claus.

You know,

no, I don't even,

I don't even know why I came here.

You came here because your girlfriend

threw you out of your apartment, Alden.

A beautiful, intelligent
woman asked you to marry her,

and you said no.

I'm gonna go and put these in your room.

I was going to make breakfast.

So when you say that
you're going to make love

do you really mean that
you're gonna rent porn?

I wasn't
even supposed to be here

I'm just sayin'.

Of course I'm not going to
have any food in the house.

I was supposed to be with Kevin.

I was supposed to be in Greensboro.

Okay, technically, I've got cat food,

if you want to get all anal about it.

Did the volume in here
depreciate noticeably

when I said, "anal?"

Is there anything
else I can get for you?

No thanks.

I'm sorry about,

I know.

It's okay.

I'm sorry too.

It's just good to see you.

Yeah, it's been a while.

Hey do you remember the time

when we took--

Patrick?

Oh, Mrs. Richardson,
what a pleasant surprise.

This is my friend, Mrs. Whitman.

Happy Holidays.

Yes, it's finally starting
to grow back in thank you.

Mrs. Whitman's a bit hard of hearing.

So I gathered

Patrick owns the grooming shop.

Oh the homosexual.

Who's this?

Oh, oh, he's just a friend

His girlfriend just broke up with him.

What?

He just broke up with his girlfriend.

I didn't know homosexuals
had girlfriends.

No, no, no.

That one's the homosexual

that one just broke up
with his girlfriend.

Uh, Alden, this is Mrs. Richardson,

and this is...

Mrs. Whitman.

Mrs. Richardson, Mrs.
Whitman, lovely to meet you.

Mrs. Richardson runs
the local vegetable stand.

The freshest produce in Connecticut.

Biggest zucchini

at the Connecticut State
Fair, three years running.

Ahh.

And what do you do, Mrs. Whitman?

She runs the local book club.

Isn't that right, dear?

Mrs. Whitman's car had
an encounter last year

with a telephone pole.

She hasn't been quite the same since.

He's a homosexual you know.

Yes, mmm.

Have a muffin, dear.

So, tell me,

how do you know Paul Lynde here, Mr.,

Winslow.

Were your parents Doris
and Alden J. Winslow Jr.?

Mm, yes.

Oh, son, I'm so sorry.

Your parents were good people.

Your father, in particular.

He did my will.

I remember, he had this, um, sculpture

on his desk he said his son made.

Maybe you remember.

It was supposed to be a bird,
didn't look like a bird.

It looked like, I don't know,
when Buster got run over by a car.

That's what it looked like.

Not that you intended
for it to look that way,

but it certainly didn't look like a bird,

that's for damn sure.

Alden designs greeting cards now.

Did you do that one with the sparrow?

On the card, you open it up,
it says, "Happy Bird Day."

Did you do that one?

Oh, visiting must be so hard.

All those memories.

You know, my parents died
when l was really young.

Still,

you should talk to Mr. Chase, poor soul.

Barney Chase?

No, no, no, didn't you hear?

Barney passed away, it was
in the paper this morning.

Oh, I don't recall a--

Well, he wasn't exactly
a pillar of the community.

They kind of buried it in the back.

Aren't the obituaries
always in the back?

That's what I'm saying.

It was behind the obituaries.

That's what kind of a rat he was.

No, I mean you should
talk to his son, Kirby.

Kirby?

Kirby.

He's not dealing with the
situation particularly well.

It would probably help him if you could

talk to somebody who'd been
through this kind of thing before,

I was just speaking to him.

Is that another homosexual?

Shh.

Would you ladies excuse me?

Kirby.

Hey!

Hey, there he is!

How you doing?

- I was gettin' ready to call you.
- You were?

Yeah, I can't visit
the old stomping ground

and not call you.

Um, it was a pleasure
meeting you, ladies.

Have a lovely day.

I take it you heard what happened.

Yeah, yeah, just now.

You don't have to say
anything, just, you know.

When's the, um...

Funeral?

Yeah.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah.

I didn't want to just
drive up and drive back.

You drove?

Oh, yeah. Dulles is
crazy this time of year.

Plus, I like driving, you know,

it gives me time to clear my head.

When you have kids, it's like

really the only time you
get to turn the radar off.

That and the shower.

Not really, no, no.

How's that goin', by the way?

The shower? Pretty well.

Having a little problem with the loofah.

Ah, still a smart ass.

Kids, adoption, remember?

Adoption?

Uh, Kirby, you remember--

Alden.

Alden J. Winslow III.

My god, Jesus!

I haven't seen you since, uh,

I just did the math,
and it gave me a headache.

Yeah, high school was a long time ago.

Jesus Christ.

You look great, man.

Patrick tells me you're
living in New York?

- Chicago.
- I love Chicago.

Love Chicago.

Been to the baths on Division Street?

No.

What about the Berghoff, Berghoff?

Mmm-mm.

What about the Drake?

I don't know what that is.

You don't know what the Drake is?

It's a hotel, oh my god, you gotta go.

Next time you're in town,
you really gotta check it out.

I mean, it's a little pricey.

I just said I live there.

You're right, you just
said that, didn't you?

I just said that I said that.

Right, right, right right.

Well, you gotta check it out anyway.

Beautiful wainscotting.

What brings you back to WASP country?

Um, just visiting.

Alden's staying with me for a few days.

Oh, okay.

Oh, hey!

It's like that movie, with
the guy and the thing?

You good at cards?

Oh, Kevin's a shark.

Don't let him fool ya, you know?

One minute you're tellin'
him what a flush is,

the next he's got your pants.

Win those back for me, would you?

Kevin isn't, I mean,

he's down at his sister's.

Oh, oh.

No, you don't understand.
It's not like that.

No, hey, man, a normal
relationship's tough enough,

I can only imagine.

Kevin and I are fine, we just--

You know what, it's my fault.

I kinda got some time off work,

it was a last-minute thing.

You gonna do anything
fun while you're here?

Little antiquing, maybe, huh?

I'm sorry, I just,

Hey, you know what you gotta do.

You gotta go down to the liquor store

where that weird-looking
Santa used to hang out front.

You know what I'm saying?
Do you know?

Anybody ever figure out what sex that, uh.

Megan.

Huh?

Her name is Megan.

Her.

Oh, well, uh, there you go.

Mystery solved.

How do you?

She owns a basset hound named Magnum.

Who would have thought
that washing people's pets

could be so revealing.

Tell me about it.

Oh, you know, they still
do that Christmas Pageant

down at the church, you
know, that we always used to?

Unfortunately, yes.

Oh, we gotta go check that out.

We could have a lye drinking
contest too, that'd be fun.

God, Patrick, it's kids.

It's children in a play.

You can't even--

I don't want to go,
because it's gonna be bad,

not because it's in a church.

Okay.

Paul Carmichael still
use that Chatty Cathy doll

as a baby Jesus?

What's the word on the street
with that guy anyway you know?

Who, Jesus?

Jesus. No.

Paul Carmichael.

Didn't you think he was a little like,
you know, like off?

Actually, I heard he was
killed in a boating accident.

Well, there's gotta be some sorta,

Christmas-themed thing
that you guys can do around here.

Alden doesn't celebrate
Christmas anymore.

What'd you do convert?

Holy shit! You did!

Yeah.

Wow.

A lot's changed
since high school, huh?

Oh, and how, you know?

You got a new lifestyle,
this one's got a new god.

Not exactly new.

No, hey man, seriously
bully for you guys you know,

religious freedom, gotta love it.

That's what made this country great.

You can be an atheist,
I can be a Catholic,

you can be a--

Jewish.

You can be Jewish.

Sounds like the start of a joke.

Catholic, Jew and and an
atheist walk into a bar.

Maybe we should
do something tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah, come on, why
not, if you're up for it.

Oh, you know, tomorrow would be much

better for me.

Didn't you say your
father's funeral was tomorrow?

Oh, sure, but you know, it'll end early.

We can go out afterwards.
Get a little fucked up.

It's okay with you, right, Alden?

Good, let's do it!

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too, man.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Kirby.
- Alden.

Kirby looked well,
considering, don't you think?

I don't really know the
man all that well, Patrick,

so I don't know, it's
kind of hard for me to say

one way or the other.

What do you mean you
don't know him all that well?

We were always hanging out in high school.

It's not like he's some
stranger, like, you know,

that girl over there.

Oh, no, wait.

That's Mrs. Wilson's daughter.

She has a Yorkshire Terrier named Rainbow.

Ironic, because, you know,

terriers are usually brown and,

Yeah, right.

Terrific, now she's waving.

Hey, hey, how you doing?

I hate seeing clients
out in the real world.

How many checks
that woman's bounced?

What about him?

He's kinda cute.

Maybe we should know him.

Maybe we would...
Don't look.

Look, I was only friends
with Kirby by default, okay?

I mean, I know you. you know him,

so yes, we ended up in the
same room together a lot,

but it's not like we ever
did anything on our own.

That conversation I had with him

back in the restaurant just
now is literally the first time

I've seen the guy since graduation.

You guys never even kept up

in a kind of random,
infrequent sort of way?

Nope.

I mean, I know what's
going on with him, kind of,

because you're always talking about him.

I always just assumed.

Not that I'm not interested

I remember Kirby's dad
didn't come to graduation.

I remember that was kind of a big deal.

But not as big a deal
as it should have been,

which I remember thinking was odd.

Yeah, Kirby never really
got along with his dad.

Divorced more times than I can count.

Kirby doesn't like to talk about him.

Hmm no, that doesn't remind me

of anybody else I know.

Who, me?

I'm just sayin',
eventually you're going to be

in exactly the same
situation that Kirby's in.

My relationship with
my father is just fine,

thank you very much.
He's made it quite clear--

Are you saying that,
something should happen to your dad,

you're not gonna regret all these years

of not talking to him?

Oh, we talk, we communicate.

My mom tells me what's goin' on.

Patrick.

Yes, how did this
conversation end up about me?

I don't want you to go through
what I went through, okay.

I want--

My father has made it quite clear, okay.

The ball is in his court.
Did I tell you about the Christmas cards?

- What, from your parents?
- Yes.

If they sent you a Christmas card,
that's a good sign, right?

They send me one every year,
that's not the problem.

What's the problem?

The problem is they
know I live with Kevin,

they know Kevin's my life partner,

but they refuse, they absolutely refuse

to put Kevin's name on the card.

Now that's insulting and embarrassing.

What am I supposed to tell Kevin?

What do you tell Kevin?

Nothing.

I throw it away before he can see it.

It makes me crazy.

Well...

Well what?

You're aware that your
parents have a hard time

with the fact you're gay, right?

Yeah, well, you know what?

Get over it, okay.

I'm their son.

They're supposed to
love me unconditionally.

Period, end of story, good day.

Okay, yes, yes.

But I mean, in effect, in a
sense, with you saying that,

aren't you the one that's putting
the conditions on the relationship?

It is not a condition.

That's the way it is!

And another thing.

Yes?

You're living in their
house, and that's gotta be--

Who's side are you on?
They don't live there anymore.

I know that.

I bought that house above
market value, I'll have you know.

I know that, I'm just saying
it could be a little weird.

It's not like I'm
asking them to come over

and watch Kevin and I
blow each other every day.

We're out in public, aren't we?

Yeah.

I can't believe I still haven't found
a Christmas gift for Kevin.

I told you you can give him
one of the menorahs I bought.

How many of
those did you buy, anyways?

Three.

They were on sale.

Okay.

There's a thrift store
right across the street.

You can get something there.

I am not buying the man of my dreams

something that has been used, worn

or urinated on by a homeless
person at least twice.

Once is okay?

Eh. it depends on the designer.

And you say I'm a snob.

I am not a snob, I'm just clean.

Is that who I rhink it is?

If you're thinking it's
Helen Gurley Brown, it's not.

Who?

Editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine?

Come on.

You are so gay.

Thank you.

So,

the great middle school mystery

concerning Santa Claus's
sex is finally solved.

I never would have guessed
that's a woman under there,

not in a million years.

Especially since that beard
didn't come with the costume.

That's not...

Well, hey.

Slip her 20 bucks,

maybe she'll tell you what Kevin
told her he wants for Christmas.

Patrick.

Patrick.

Didn't anybody ever tell you
it's not polite to stare?

I wasn't.

How long have you and
Kevin been trying to adopt?

I was gonna tell you,
Alden, I swear I was.

It's okay, it's okay.

I didn't want to tell Kirby, either.

I didn't want to tell anyone.

So...

Kevin told him.

Big blabbermouth.

He had a convention near
where Kirby works, so

I tagged along for the weekend.

We all went out to dinner.

You know, I told him before
we even left the hotel,

"I don't want to tell anybody about this.

"You know, let's just keep it between us."

And what does he do?

Not two minutes into the conversation,

"Lynn, you look so beautiful.

"Did Patrick tell you that he
and I are trying to adopt?"

Gosh.

I need a cigarette.

Yeah, my own damn fault, I guess.

Just got my hopes up so high, you know?

I remodeled the entire second bedroom.

So what happened?

I don't know.

I think people thought we were
gonna dip 'em in glaze and eat 'em.

For a so-called liberal society,
people got a real problem with two.

So I don't know what to get him.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.

Uh, how much do I owe you?

No, no, no, no, no, I got this one.

- I got it, absolutely.
- Really?

Absolutely.

She'll get the next one.

Well, thank you.

- You're very welcome, cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, that is strong.

Goodness.

So, Mr.--

No misters here.

- Patrick.
- Patrick,

that's right.

So, Patrick, are you just in
town for the holidays, or?

Business, actually.

I work for an air conditioning company,

and we're doing like a huge project

over at warehouse 41, so, uh...

You mean the old furniture warehouse?

Yeah, that's the one.

I thought that burned to the ground.

No, I don't think so.

I hope not.

I'd just be sitting out there, hello?

No, 'cause so my husband
used to work there.

Oh, your husband.

Oh, oh, we're not married anymore!

- Oh, okay.
- Sorry.

Just didn't want to get you
in trouble, or anything.

No, no, we're divorced
we're divorced, see?

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

I hope I'm not being too forward, here.

You have beautiful fingers.

Lady fingers.

Yeah, my ex-husband used to say
that to me all the time.

Really?

He had a bit of a
finger fetish, actually.

Oh.

He always made me play proctologist.

Really.

That's, well, well.

So, air conditioning.

Air conditioning!

Hey, you know, maybe you're working

at one of those other warehouses.

There's like a whole bunch
of them on that side of town.

There's warehouse 41 1/2, and

41 3/4, and 41 9/15,

god, I sound like I'm
shopping for drill bits.

Yeah, exactly, at the Home Depot,

can I have a wrench, please?

You know, I don't even
know, I don't even know.

There's so
many of them over there.

It's yeah, I get these
things mixed up all the time.

I don't want to talk
about air conditioning.

I want to talk about you.

Tell me all about you.

Really?

Absolutely.

Well, um, I'm a lawyer

Really?

Yeah, well I used to
work for a caterer--

Can I get some peanuts?

I'm sorry I'm sorry, no, it's just,

Um, and then once Frank and I

you know, Frank's my ex,

once we decided to get
a divorce, I thought,

maybe I should actually, you know,

understand all the paperwork that I was

being asked to sign.

Make sure you understand it, absolutely.

So I started taking
some law classes, and then

next thing I knew it,
I was passing the bar,

and then bam!

Bam!

I was a lawyer!- Yeah, how do you beat that?

Hello, stranger, long time no see.

We keep running
into each other like this,

people are gonna start talking.

Hello, Minta, how's Rivet doing?

Oh, he's good.

The sores are almost completely healed.

Oh, you just have to
remember to keep him groomed.

You know Mindy?

Minta.

Oh, yeah, sorry that's what I meant.

You've been a client what, now,

two, three years?

Uh, five.

Five, no.

Get outta here, really?

Yeah, can you believe it?

That's like half a decade.

Do you know Alden here?

Alden, this is Minda.

MinTa.

Minta, I'm sorry.

Here it was I thought
you were the schoolteacher.

I thought you said you worked
for an air conditioning company.

I teach air conditioning?

The good news is, she
was drinking vodka, so

that's not gonna stain, but

the bad news is,

I think you're gonna
need a new cell phone.

Great.

Why'd she think you worked

for an air conditioning company?

It's a long story.

It wouldn't have anything
to do with the fact

you're not wearing your
wedding ring, now would it?

The cold happens to
make my fingers swell.

See?

Barkeep!

Get three beers.

Three shots.

Maybe we should talk
about something else.

Oh, I think that's a great idea.

That's a fantastic idea.

Alden, you lived in New York,

are the rats as big as they say?

How big are they supposed to be?

- Big.
- Big.

Big like Staten Island big,

big like Costco block of cheese big?

Okay, you know what, I am
not spending $8.00 a drink

so we can sit here and talk about cheese.

We were just trying to catch up,
isn't that right, Alden?

You see?

Thank you.

You know, Kirby,

I know you're goin' through
a tough time right now, and

I'm sure

all of this happening during the holidays

isn't making things any easier, but...

Yes?

Do you want to talk about anything?

No.

See, I'm a muenster man, myself.

Alden, there he is!

Alden.

You got a girlfriend?

Why, you wanna go skiing some weekend?

Oh, oh, ho, ho, touch him.

Alden just broke up with his girlfriend.

Oh. I'm sorry, man.

Did you like her, or was it more--

Yes, I did, I don't
even know what this is.

She asked him to marry her.

She asked you?

Wow, how progressive.

God, I bet she was a tiger in bed.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying, if she
had the balls to ask you.

I'm sorry, was that a little crass?

Chutzpa, she had the
chutzpa, I mean.

He said no.

Excellent.

Wait a minute,
so how does this work, now?

Do you guys still get
to be fuck buddies, or,

You know, Alden, maybe
it's good that you said no.

I mean, better than taking
a vow in front of friends

and family and god,

if you're just gonna run around like a,

like a monkey in a zoo, or--

Patrick, seriously.

What?

Lynn and I have an...
an unspoken understanding.

Unspoken as in, she doesn't know?

I mean, Lynn doesn't mind you, you know,

using your father's
funeral as an opportunity

for you to cheat on her?

I mean, is she at home
covering the florist

in whipped cream and strawberries?

Who the hell do you think you are?

You're a hell of a person to be

lecturing somebody on what's righteous

and what isn't, you know that?

I mean, at least my sins are forgivable.

A couple hail marys,

I'm in and out, boom, boom, boom,

end of story, no harm no foul.

But your lifestyle, on
the other hand, I mean,

come on.

Jesus.

Hey, Claire dated a florist once.

No, I'm sorry, not a florist,

a flautist.

Patrick.

Patrick.

Hey, I got an idea.

What?

I say, we take this show

on the road!

Come on, it's early.

Let's do something fun.

We need to
seriously re-evaluate

your definition of fun.

Ah, come on, it's a beautiful day.

If by beautiful you mean Arctinian.

Arctinian?

As in as cold as the Arctic? Hello?

Now you're just makin' up words.

Yes, exactly.

I'm just making up words.

Isn't that the first sign of dementia?

You want me clucking like a
chicken for the rest of my life?

Come on gets the blood goin'.

Ugh. There's mud, okay.

Fun does not involve mud.

Patrick, what is life
without a little adventure,

or excitement, or adventure?

I'm just glad I don't have
to pay for this little adventure.

You wanna tell us how the shovel
works into this whole thing?

You're not a big Stephen
King fan, are you?

Do you two seriously
not know where we are?

I know where I'm not.

Somewhere warm?

Anywhere warm.

Weren't you like
in the top 10% of our class?

Yeah, never got an A, either.

What's that say about
the rest of you people?

Why?

You seriously
don't know where we are?

Jeez.

It's the Pilchard Farm.

Pilchard?

Which way is north?

The Pilchard Farm was right next to

our old high school, right?

You got it.

The gym's over that way.

We have to get out of here.

Why?

Why?

Pilchard was a maniac.

- Pilchard was a--
- What?

The football
incident, remember?

I'll be in the car.

Wait, wait, what's
the football incident?

I'll tell you in the car.

Supposedly.

Not supposedly.

You make it sound like the
Loch Ness Monster, like a rumor.

- It is a rumor!
- No, it's not.

You know somebody who actually--

I know somebody
who knows somebody.

Can I have the keys, please?

No!

What's the god damn football incident?

Okay, okay.

One day, during football practice,

they were working on their kicks,
and supposedly,

this one kid just like boom, right?

Regular Adam Vinatiere, this kid.

I mean, this thing was beautiful.

Practically puts it into orbit, right.

Bu, bu bu, bu, lands right
on Pilchard's property.

All right, so he goes
to get the ball back,

everybody else gets back to practice.

A little while later, while they're
running the scrimmage.

Hut, hut, boom!

- No.
- Yes.

- He shot him?
- Supposedly.

How do you explain the fact that nobody,

not his parents, nor his
friends ever saw him again?

That's the story, anyway.

It's not a story.

It's not Lyle, Lyle Crocodile.

It's true. It happened.

No, it didn't. It couldn't have.

One person says it happened
during a football practice,

one person says it happened
during a soccer practice,

one person said it happened
during a field hockey practice,

and I actually had one jackass say

it happened during a sailing match.

In the woods.

Look, you can believe whatever
you want to believe, okay,

but I live here, remember, okay?

I've seen Pilchard out in the real world.

At the laundromat, at the grocery store,

at the liquor store.

I've even seen him at the spa.

God, the man makes my blood run cold.

It's just, he's a little...

Yeah, well I'd be a little... too

if my name was a synonym for sardines.

Was written on my desk
in the English room.

My desk had the word nipple written

at least 10 different languages.

Yeah, well, my desk
had a picture of the three of us

being chopped up into little pieces

by Mr. Fishie if we don't get outta here!

That's a great idea, Pat.

You shoulda left this
stupid town years ago.

No, I was talking about this field.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Well, you do hate it here Pat.

Yeah, I hate it here in this field.

No, this town, you hate
it here in this town.

No, I don't.

You were just complaining about it.

No, I wasn't.

See...

that's what I don't understand.

I mean, you're smart, you're funny,

you're--

Clean.

I don't know what the hell that means.

You're a hard worker.

It's not like
you wouldn't be able

to plant stakes somewhere else, man.

Go where you want, man.

At least then you might,
you know, be happy.

This is where my home is.

This is where your house is,

and technically, it's not even your house,

it's your father's house.

Now, I know, you bought it
from him and everything,

but you know, it doesn't
matter how many times

you change the window curtains, Pat,

it's always gonna be his house.

What about San Francisco, or Austin,

or don't you know somebody in Chicago?

Me, god damn it.

I can't move as long as
Kevin works in the city.

So move to the city.

Yeah, and live in a shoebox

with the cast of Watership Down?

No, thank you.

Wait. Watership Down?

Yeah.

Rats, hello?

Watership Down's about a rabbit.

Rabbits, rats, they both start with R.

Rabbits and rats,
they both start with R.

Pat, we just want you to
be happy, man, that's all.

I am happy.

The only reason I'm not smiling

is because I can't move my lips.

I'm happy really.

Besides, as long as you
and Alden are out there

in the real world,

telling me what's really going on,

I am happy.

I love this man.

I love this man.

Was there a reason you dragged us all out

into the middle of what
seems almost destined

to become a Wes Craven movie?

Okay all right.

Remember senior year,

that party what's his name threw?

- Kolby Pinkwater.
- Kolby Pinkwater.

Right, good memory.

He's in the Air Force now.

You know,
that's still the best party

I've ever been to.

Even now.

Which is kinda sad.

Any party where a Volvo actually

ends up inside the house.

All right.

Do either one of you
remember where that house was

by any chance?

It was around
here somewhere, wasn't it?

We passed it on the way in.

Someone else owns it now.

Some petless couple.

Okay, the three of us

were at that party correct?

It's kind of a blur, but yeah.

Do you remember what we did

at like three or four
o'clock in the morning?

Was that
before or after the cops?

After the cops.
But before the National Guard.

Oh, they only showed up

because Susan Peterson's father

was in the National Guard,
and she was stupid enough

to call him for some idiotic reason.

I think she just wanted a ride.

She got one, all right.

In a tank.

Nobody got a ride in a tank.

It had treads

It was an armored personnel carrier.

- It was a totally different--
- It made the ground rumble.

- I thought we were being invaded.
- By who, Rhode Island?

I wouldn't put it past 'em.
Their state bird's a chicken.

Anything's possible.

Okay, we missed
all of that, remember?

We were somewhere else.

We were here.

Okay, keep going, here it comes.

And there was a whole group of us.

It was you, me, him, Dennis Munez,

- Hernandez.
- Hernandez, and--

Oh, that
cute stoner Austria kid.

What was his name?

Uh, Hans, Hans, uh,

Barlow.

Hans Barlow.

Good one.

Why were we here?

Time capsule.

Bingo.

Is that why you dragged
us all the way out here?

Do you remember what we buried?

No.

Do you?

No.

Neither do I.

Oh, come on, it'll be a hoot!

Come on, I'm curious as hell.

Aren't you guys?

No?

When is it the next time the three of us

are gonna be in the
same zip code together?

I mean, we buried this
thing, we should dig it up.

And we have to dig it up.

Someday they're gonna come
through there, pave all this over,

and put a super-something here,

or a mall, or a strip-something.

Or a PetCo.

Hey!

Don't you think, sometimes, maybe,

just maybe the past is
best left in the past?

I mean, jeez, I don't remember a whole lot

about this party, but I do remember

it was a great fuckin' party.

What if we dig this thing up,

and I find out that my memories are

wrong, or that they've been changed

or embellished in my mind?

It was definitely a tank.

Some things are best left forgotten.

You peel an onion

it's gonna make you cry.

But think of all the wonderful things
that you get to eat with it.

Like that thing at Chilis, you know?

What is is called?

It's called the brown something?

What is the point of
burying a time capsule

if you're not gonna come back one day

and dig the fucking thing up?

It was your idea to bury this thing
in the first place.

- It was?
- Yes.

I was just tryin' to get
in that cute Austrian boy's pants.

Bloomin' Onion.

♫ Bloomin' Onion

♫ Bloomin' Onion ♫

What?

The theme song came into my head.

What I was trying to think
of before, at Chilis,

the Blooming Onion.

No, that's the one from Outback.

You know, Bloomin' Onion, you know,

- Australian.
- Bloomin'.

Bloomin'.

Fuckin' shovel.

I'm gonna do this one myself.

Do you guys hear a car?

Stop worrying, Nellie.

Maybe we should light one
of your menorahs for warmth.

No, what we should do, oh, shit!

What?

I forgot to buy candles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What is that it?

I don't know.

Jordache,

Well if that doesn't say 1988.

I can't believe they didn't
fix that stupid window yet.

I can't believe you're...
naive enough to think that this place

would actually pay to fix anything.

I can't believe how close

we almost came to actually getting killed!

I haven't had a run like that

since PETA tried to recruit me in college.

I think I twisted my ancle

in one of your stupid holes.

Is this when I get to
tell you guys I told you so?

'Cause I told you so.

Okay, it's not like anybody got hurt.

Do I just talk and you don't hear?

No one's gonna be filling you

with embalming fluid anytime soon,
that's my point.

What I want to know is,

why in a moment of extreme panic,

we all made the stunningly unwise decision

to run in the opposite
direction of the vehicle?

How can you run

like you just did,

and still use so many words?

Hey.

What?

I opened the box.

Light?

Ech, ugh.

Well, uh, on the plus side,

it does get better, the more you drink.

You don't like it, don't drink it.

All I'm saying is that
perhaps the man who works

for the sanitation department
shouldn't try to make wine.

He didn't get in the back of,

it's not like he was
out crawling around the,

he worked in the office, okay?

One has absolutely nothing
to do with the other.

Yeah, but.

Yes?

What?

Oh, um,

didn't some woman try to sue your uncle?

Excuse me?

It was all over the papers
the year we graduated,

um, she said she got food poisoning

from a bottle of wine?

Allegedly, she got food poisoning.

Is that why he's not making it?

No, he stopped making
it because he retired.

Yes, but did he retire because

some woman got food poisoning?

I'm sorry, man.

He retired because

he had a heart attack.

Is that the, um...

Last batch.

1988.

The year we graduated.

That's a great present.

I thought so.

Even if it does taste
a little like vinegar.

with just perhaps a whisper of Robitussin.

My uncle Anthony gave it to me
as a graduation present.

He told me not to drink it at the time.

Said I won't appreciate it.

So of course I took it
to Pinkwater's house.

God.

And I got there,

and I was around those people,

and I just didn't want
to share it with them.

You know?

And just,

I hated high school so much.

God, I miss him.

So I figured I'd bury it, you know?

Eventually,
one day I'd dig it up and

share it with a bunch of
people I actually cared about.

See, look at
how this worked out.

It hasn't actually worked out
for me yet, there, Kirb.

What else is in the box?

All right let's see here.

Oh, nice, ooh, the Dukakis campaign

is up and running.

You see, some things
best left forgotten.

That was the first Presidential
campaign I could vote in.

And I voted for him.

Yeah, so did I.

Probably the reason I became a Republican.

Oh, what have we got here, now.

Oh, nice.

Get Out of My
Dreams, Get Into My Car.

Who the hell was
listening to Billy Ocean?

Excuse me,
Mr. Wake Me Up Before you Go Go.

There is a reason why
that's in the time capsule.

It's not like I put

The Breakfast Club soundtrack in there.

I don't blame you.

Guess I could have
put the Falco collection in.

Does one song actually
constitute a collection?

Ooh, snap.

I don't remember you having
any records with you at the party.

Oh, yeah.

I had a whole crate of 'em.

You did?

Yeah, I used to make people

mix tapes all the time.

I never got one.

You never invited me
to any of your parties.

- Yes I did.
- No.

You and Patrick were at
my house all the time.

No, I came as Patrick's
platonic, different thing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

there is an order to this.

A sacred order.

It's an old TV Guide.

Is it the one with The Golden Girls
on the cover, let me see.

Oh, yeah, wonder who
put that one in there?

Hey, I didn't know they
were a gay icon at the time.

Uh-huh.

Huxtables.

Okay, you just made me spit up.

You guys think we
should be drinkin' this?

Well, it's a little
late now, don't you think?

No, I mean after the story
you told me about your uncle.

I don't know, I just feel kinda guilty.

You feel guilty about
this, but not about

cheating on your wife?

Alden.

Oh, no, Kirb.

You know what? Don't.

Really.

Who the hell do you think you are, man?

I mean who are you to judge me?

I mean, you don't know anything.

Certainly don't know about me and my wife.

Why don't you figure out
your own screwed up life

before you start talking
about other people's, huh?

Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't we flip a coin?

We'll figure out what religion
Alden's gonna be next week.

- Kirby!
- Am I gonna be a Buddha,

- Kirby!
- Am I gonna be Muslim?

Knock it off.

You knock it off.

Asshole.

I swear man, the more things change.

- Alden?
- What?

Leave it alone.

What?

Are you defending this guy now?

No.

After what he said?

After he essentially says
that you're going to hell,

that your actions and your lifestyle

are unredeemable?

I mean, isn't that why you left

the Catholic church, Patrick,

to avoid that kind of
antiquated, small-minded feeling?

Weren't you just telling me that?

It's all right. I get it.

What?

I get it.

I tell you that I have found something

that gives purpose and meaning to my life,

and because it doesn't fit
in with your world view,

and your interpretation of my situation,

I get read the riot act.

Kirby, on the other hand,

he insults you personally,
he attacks your identity,

who you are, and suddenly
you're like Snoopy,

and the...

Woodstock

Meanwhile, I'm...

fuck.

Did you even read Peanuts?

Franklin!

There is a fucking Franklin in Peanuts.

I think the character
you're fishing for is Lucy.

Oh, Lucy, am I?

Is that how it's gonna be?

Kirby

is going through a thing right now.

And I'm not?

We don't believe in hell,
by the way, just kind of...

We?

My people.

Okay.

Look what I found!

Oh!

What the hell!

Point!

What, point, what?

Ahhh!

Jesus Christ!

Come on, don't be such wimps!

It's not like these are

hot cups of coffee, syringes,

bricks.

Hey, I don't wanna--

Come on it's just a game.

And that's two, by the way.

Two, and here comes three!

God, all right all right!

That's it.

Come on, bring it on!

Maybe we should get back to the car.

What, now?

Yeah. now.

Don't yah!

Oh come on, this is the stupidest thing

I have ever seen you do.

Come on, Patrick.

You have played Dodgeball
before, I've seen you.

Oh, is that what this is?

It's certainly not Monopoly.

Yeah, obviously.

Nobody gets hurt in Monopoly.

Yah! Son of a--

Men.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Hey. Uh.

Shit. Wait, wait.

Hey, hey

We'll clean all this up.

Shit.

What's the matter.

The funeral.

Shit!

Rebecca Wick was a woman

of the highest moral character.

A woman loved by her family and friends,

and community.

She will be missed, of course,

but we must endeavor to remember today,

not the sadness of her parting,

but of the joy and warmth she left

on all of our lives.

Rebecca Wick was a--

Chase.

I'm sorry.

Barney Chase.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I must be,

the Wick service was this morning,

I'm so sorry.

It's fine, just.

Barney Chase was a woman of--

Man!

Man, man of the highest,

highest moral character.

He will be missed, of course,

but what we must endeavor
to remember today,

is not the sad,

oh, goodness.

Shoot.

How do you think he's doin'?

I think he's doin' great.

I know that you said
that Kirby and his dad

weren't that close or
anything, but I mean,

I know your situation wasn't like this.

I mean, you had a great
relationship with your parents.

They took you to the park,
they took you to the zoo,

they took you to Paris.

Between that and the fact that you were
just a kid when they died, I mean,

I know how frustrating it is for you

to see families that
don't like each other.

You're thinking,

"How dare they take for granted

"something I don't have anymore.

"Don't they see the
opportunities they're wasting?

"Don't they get it?"

Well let me tell you the sad, unfortunate,

and in your case, ironic truth.

Most families don't like each other.

- It's a little bit--
- Cynical?

Maybe.

Not entirely untrue.

You and your mom--

Me and my mother get along fine, yeah,

compared to me and my dad,

but I wouldn't exactly call us friendly.

We go shopping together, we play cards,

we made ice cream the last
time we saw each other.

Well?

Well, she reads an
article about Massachusetts

allowing same-sex marriages,

she starts talking about
the end of civilization.

Listen, do you want to get out of here?

I'm fine, I'm good.

I mean, I know this probably
makes you really uncomfortable.

It's okay, look, I lost my family

a long time ago Patrick.

It's not like I start
bawling every time I watch

Four Weddings and a Funeral.

How's Ezekiel doing?

Oh, he's, uh, he's fine.

Listen...

What's the deal
with that guy, anyway?

He's a little...

Self involved, don't you think?

Well he's been through a lot.

He was mugged a few months back.

He was in a coma for two days.

It was obviously a traumatic
experience for him.

Obviously.

Two days, really?

Yeah.

I just found out about
it myself actually.

He didn't tell you?

No, but I didn't exactly tell him

that Kevin and I were
trying to adopt either, so.

So you guys are close then.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you,

you know what, we should,

"If a man lies with another
man as he lies with a woman,

"they have done what is detestable.

"They should be put to death.

"Their blood would be on their own hands."

Are you quoting Caligula?

That's Leviticus.

I know what it is.
What is this?

Do you believe that?

Patrick,

do you think that I'm going to hell?

Do you think that my
lifestyle is unredeemable?

Oh, man, I didn't,

I never meant to hurt you.

I'm sorry I said what I said.

It was more out of, uh...

I'm sorry.

I pray for you every Sunday, Pat.

I mean,

what do you pray for, specifically?

I pray that one day maybe
you'll meet the right girl.

Okay.

What?

Well,

this is who I am, Kirby.

- I can't change it.
- How do you know that, man.

- How do you know that?
- Because I do.

That's how, because it is.

Okay, I'm not gonna argue with you.
It's your life.

Thank you.

You know, we used to think
that the Tower of London

was built by the Romans,
too, did you know that?

That's not true.

In reality, it was William the Conqueror.

Shakespeare perpetuated this entire myth.

Save the history
lesson for your students.

I'm just saying that sometimes
the truth is a little more elusive.

Sometimes we don't know

- what's true
- Hey.

Hey.

No, it's like a,

it's like a deep, fried fat thing.

It's like chicken fingers.

No, they have 'em at
Chilis, it's like a um,

It's like a Monte Christo.

No, it's made out of onion.

It's like a...

Like a onion loaf?

Yeah, it's in that family.

It's like an upside-down bundt cake

made outta thing, it's
got a tangy sauce on it.

It's a potato boat.

No, no, it's not a boat

It's like a...

I'm starting to see what
you meant about the, um...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Who in their right mind
gives their own family--

Would have given, technically.

You know, I had an aunt once

that used to give out driftwood art.

Hey, havin' fun?

Hey.

Hmm?

How you doin'?

Good.

Mmm, I got a free sweater,

not doin' too bad.

Drinks are pretty good, too.

You know, he never wanted
to pay his alimony,

but he always had a really
good bottle of vodka

behind the bar. God love him.

Are you drunk?

I just had a crab cake,

and accidentally ate
the napkin.

Okay, so yes.

You know, he just lost his dad, so.

No I didn't.

He's right here, hello?

Dad, I gotta borrow the car tonight.

I lost my dad a long time ago, man.

Patrick's dad was more
of a dad to me, honestly.

Seriously, uh,

you guys don't have to,

don't have to hang
here if you don't want.

If you need to go somewhere
or do something, or...

Actually we don't,

we don't mind, it's fine.

You drove.

Oh, right , okay

could you guys just hang
out for a little bit?

I'm sure this thing'll be over soon.

We can even get a beer afterwards, if you--

Hey, damn, that's nice.

Look, is your mom here?

- Did she show up?
- My mother?

The woman who left me
at the hospital when I was born?

No.

No, she's not.

Mmm, sadly today, it's just me.

Me and the women that dad was married to,

then divorced from,

who are all only here because

they think they're getting
something in the will, which,

god, I hate to inform them, doesn't exist.

At least we'll all be warm.

Kirby, how many times
was your dad married?

- Six.
- What?

Here, let's do
the rundown, shall we?

Hold my dad, please.

Okay, from the top.

All right, uh,

Annabelle worked at Radio City Music Hall.

Oh, were you a dancer?

She was a ticket taker.

Uh, Beth was his insurance
broker for a while.

Do you still drink vodka, Beth?

There we go, we'll just trade that off.

Maureen, Maureen was married

to one of his golf buddies.

Ted, I believe.

Um, let me see here.

What am I at, here?

Three.

Three, um, Jamie?

Jamie was a waitress.

Um, Barbara, hello Barbara!

Barbara, I hate to tell you this,

Barbara he married
because she had a house with a pool.

Not to mention,

a very attractive, young
baby-sitter named Amy,

which brings us to magic number six, Amy,

a very attractive, young baby-sitter

who worked for a woman with a pool.

Oh! God.

Did I happen to mention that
I was dating Amy at the time?

Oh, yes, oh, boy.

I can't tell you how
happy I was to have it

revealed to me in the inevitable slip up

that happens in all affairs,

when I, the boyfriend,
inadvertently discovered a present

that the little minx had
picked up for the man

she was seeing when she was
supposed to be seeing me.

My own father!

You never told me that story.

I mean, I throw the word father around,

because let's be honest,

how much fathering did the
guy do, anyway, you know?

I mean, y'all were there, y'all saw it.

You know how many sweaters I have?

I can insulate a house
with these sweaters.

He bought 'em in August.

You wanna know why he
bought 'em in August?

Because they were cheaper.

Because they were cheaper, cheaper,

and the whole thing was friggin' cheaper!

Ah, oh my drink!

Okay, pal.

What?

Maybe we should go.

What, you don't think I
could take this loser?

He's a really nice guy
once you get to know him.

Scott.

Huh?

My name is Scott.

- Kick his ass, baby.
- You're not helping.

Why don't you just
apologize to the lady.

Apologize, apologize for what?

For the part where you
just called his girlfriend--

Fiance.

Oh, boy.

Amy is my fiance.

That slut is your fiance?

♫ Merry Christmas

♫ And a Happy New Year

♫ Here comes Christmas mornin'

♫ Santa's Callin'

♫ Merry Christmas

♫ And a Happy New Year

♫ It's not melancholy ♫

What street were we supposed to turn on?

Left on
Cypress, right on Harvest.

I thought you said right on Cypress.

Cypress is first.

I know that Cypress is first.

Harvest is second.

All right, I've got that.

Then just, never mind, I'll be fine.

Okay.

And you're sure he's okay to drive.

He's fine.

Because he got hit
pretty hard back there.

Yeah, by you.

What do you want from me?
I said I was sorry, all right?

I didn't mean to hit
you, I meant to hit him.

I meant to knock his fuckin'

- mouth off.
- Kirby!

- What?
- Enough.

I just don't wanna end
up wrapped around a tree

or something, okay?

I gotta use this thing to get home, so

just be careful when you're driving.

You're in no condition to drive.

And I can't drive stick.

Can you believe this guy?

- Alden.
- I'm serious.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

I'm the one who gets hit,

I'm the one that's gotta
go to the hospital,

and all he can talk
about is his fuckin' car.

This is unbelievable.

Does anybody exist in your
little world except you?

Truly?

This was supposed to be
my time with Patrick.

I did not come all this way,

like a third of the way across the nation

via modes of transportation
that were out of date

by the fuckin' Carter administration,

just to listen to your god damn bullshit.

Okay, I've got my own fuckin' problems.

Patrick and I were just
fine before you showed up.

I'm sorry

that my father's funeral
disturbs your little

therapy session that
you had with Pat, okay?

It's not like you haven't been
here the whole fucking time.

You wanna say something, say it, you know?

Dammit, you know sometimes all,

you gotta get in the
ring, man. you gotta like,

you know, get in there, get a few shots.

You wanna say something,
you say something.

You gotta be able to take
a few shots, too, you know,

get hit a few times.

Stay in there, deal with
your shit,

instead of runnin' like all
you do all the time, you know?

Been that way since
your parents died, man,

you just run, run, run, run, run.

And now you're runnin'
from this girl, you know.

What's her name?

Claire?

No, the one in Chicago.

Claire!

You're gonna tell me
this is a coincidence

here that you converted?

Jesus, my god.

You knew it was gonna be a
dealbreaker with this girl.

Well, you can do what you want now.

You can run from her too.
You run from everything else.

Yeah, 'cause you never run.

You never run.

You know nothing about running,
do you, Mr. Commitment?

I got a newsflash for you.

Okay?

You're not cool, Kirby.

Okay?

This shit that you pull?

Not cool.

You are not a party boy who loves women.

You are a drunk who cheats on his wife.

There's a fuckin' difference.

Last call was 20 god damn years ago.

You still have to have
one more broad and a beer.

Oh my god.

I bet your wife thought
this whole frat boy thing

that you do was really
cute when you first met,

but I promise you this,
I promise you this,

she thought you were gonna grow out of it.

Just like everybody
else, and no, you didn't,

and that's not cool.

Cool's not caring.

Cool's dispassionate, detached and,

and you care.

Oh, you try to act like
you don't, but you care.

You care distinctly.

You care desperately.

You can smell it rollin' off of ya.

I bet that you think
your kids in your class

think you're the cool teacher, too, right?

Oh, god, they can smell it, man.

They smell loser.

You just keep runnin', okay?

You just keep doin' what you do.

Just runnin' like a little
scared little rabbit.

- I'm not a fuckin' rabbit.
- You're a fuckin' rabbit.

- You're the fuckin' rabbit.
- You're the fuckin'...

You're the fuckin' rabbit!

Stop the car.

- Stop the car!
- What? Why?

Because I have
no fucking idea where we are!

Is he yelling at us?

I have no idea.

Roll the window down.

Like a couple of guinea pigs,

whah, whah, whah, whah, whah!

Can't we all just get along

for five fucking minutes?

I mean, if you're going to
intentionally ruin my holiday

can you at least do it quietly?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, we ruined your holiday?

Come on, Alden, seriously.

You don't think, you don't,

you show up at my house

on my doorstep.

I'm supposed to house you, and feed you,

and, and, and pat you
on the head like a kid,

for doing something moronic?

I was supposed to be with Kevin!

I was supposed to be in Greensboro!

You didn't want to go to Greensboro!

Who died and made you Dr. Phil?

Well, it's pretty
fucking simple, Patrick.

If you'd wanted to go to Greensboro,

you would have gone!

And technically, by the way,

I paid for breakfast.

So don't start bitchin'
about having to feed me.

You think I'd rather be here with you,

than with my own boyfriend?

My arrival did not...

You know what?

You were elated when I called.

My timing couldn't have been more perfect.

"Oh, I can't go to Greensboro, no, no,

"I can't abandon a friend in need.

"Not at Christmas."

Thanks a lot, by the way, Patrick.

It's really nice to know that my problems

and our friendship mean so much to you.

Yeah, well, right
back at ya, there bucko.

Patrick.

What?

You know, you guys

are as bad as the rest of these people!

Man, you really gotta get over

this persecution complex
that you got goin' on.

You think I'm so screwed up, huh, Kirby?

Why don't you go and
pray for me then, huh?

Why don't you go find a
little fucking chapel,

and fucking pray for me, huh?

Okay, okay

Patrick, why don't you come back?

Get in the car, buddy,
you need to sit down.

You guys were fine until
He got his hooks into you!

Patrick!

What?!

Seriously!

Don't take the Lord's name in vain.

Jesus Christ!

What, does that offend you, Kirby?

Does it make you feel uncomfortable?

Just get back in the car!

Who are you guys?

You know, I remember a time

when the two of you actually
cared about somebody

besides yourselves!

Do you realize the entire
time you've been here

you haven't once asked me how I'm doing?

Maybe, you know maybe,

maybe I've got some things on my mind

that I need to talk about, okay?

You know, maybe,

I have no fucking friends
in this town I can trust!

Do you have any idea

when it was that I had
a decent night's sleep?

I'm a nice person.

I try to do the right thing.

If somebody leaves their blinker on

I don't honk my horn at them.

I just, I just let them go.

So I don't believe in a higher power.

So what?

Aren't we all entitled to our own opinion?

Aren't we supposed to be accepting,

and understanding of other people?

When did everything get so
fucking black and white?

Look at me.

What the fuck am I doing?

I live in a town I despise.

My father and I can't
even spend five minutes

in the room together.

I'm actually contemplating

breaking up with one of the most

wonderful...

Patrick!

Coffee?

Yeah.

Thanks.

How's he doin'?

Still unconscious.

Doctor said it was an angina attack.

Is he gonna be okay?

Did they say what caused it?

Stress.

You told 'em he smokes,
too, right, 'cause--

Yeah, he's not,

- no, smokes, and--
- Chain smokes,

doesn't, uh...

Hell of a way to spend Christmas Eve, huh?

Yeah.

My boss

wanted to design this

greeting card for the holidays,

yeah, but for the holidays, you know.

He said we were spending too much money

on the card for Christmas,

card for Hanukkah,

a card for Ramadan, a card for Kwanzaa,

Got a card for Kwanzaa?

We've got a card for
Guy freakin' Fawkes Day.

Anyway, he gets this
idea, you know, my boss,

that you know, why have separate cards

for these holidays, you know,

you just have one card
for everybody, you know?

Just the Swiss Army Knife of cards,

that's what he called it.

The problem there is,

how do you make a card for Christmas,

and Hanukkah, and you know, how do you

appease everyone and offend no one?

You know, I said it couldn't be done.

These guys, they don't all
play well together, you know?

Let me guess.

It's your best-selling card.

Mm, sold four or five tops.

So this wasn't meant as a,

uplifting, hopeful holiday story?

No, no.

never wanted to get married, you know?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I love Lynn, I do.

Kirby, you don't have to explain.

If she hadn't gotten pregnant,

You,

you got married because she got pregnant?

I couldn't not.

Boy.

I think you and Patrick are right.

I like created this world, where like,

I can do whatever I want,

without any ramifications.

No guilt,

and that's scary.

My father just died.

You would think I'd want
my family around me.

You know, not a single day goes by

that I don't think about that
stupid, fucking accident?

Why did you take them, you know?

Why did I get left here?

These are questions I ask myself,

not, uh,

I know it's irrational, and
I've talked to professionals,

and you know it's the stupid
shit that you miss the most?

Not arguments, or um, whatever.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a masochist.

When did everything get so complicated?

You know back in the day,

Christmas was just about

celebrating the winter solstice, you know?

I mean it was really
simple back then, you know?

You lived, you had a party.

What time is it?

Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry.

Happy Hanukkah.

No, no,

you know what?

Merry Christmas, Kirby.

Merry Christmas, Alden.

Here we go.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doin' here?

Alden called.

How ya feelin'?

How's he doin'?

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Dad?

Did the doctor say it
was okay for him to talk?

Why don't I see if I can
find us some fresh coffee?

- Do either of you want--
- No, thank you.

I'll come with you.

Well, he seems nice

He is.

Well, the doctor said they
wanted to keep you overnight.

They do?

What happened, anyways?

Somebody forgot to take their
high blood pressure pills.

Who?

Oh, wait.

I take them.

Well,

I'm glad you're gonna be all right.

And that's the only important thing.

And comin' down here.

Kirby was right.

I should be decorating the
rim of a margarita glass.

Oh, come on, Dad,

don't tell me I wasted
a good Lot reference.

You mean like Lot,

as in Lot from the Bible, Lot?

What other Lot would I be talkin' about?

Big Lots?

You think that your attack

was some kind of Divine
retribution for somethin' you did?

I looked, Dad.

I shouldn't have looked.

He doesn't like it when you look.

I mean, don't you think, son, that

the fact that you were on
your way to the hospital,

I mean don't you think

you were kinda lucky?

We were going in the
completely wrong direction.

Maybe if we were

in the hospital, I'd see your point, but,

I need to learn how to drive stick.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just think it's how you look at it.

What if you were by yourself

when the attack came, and

I mean, all by yourself, alone, lost.

In the middle of nowhere.

I mean, uh,

I think you got it backwards.

I think somebody out there
has got their eye on you.

In a good way.

How'd you find out anyways?

Well, Alden called Kevin.

and Kevin called me, and

jeez, your mother and I got down here

as fast as we could.

You know, we

we love you very much.

Kevin called you?

Yeah.

Well, your mother and I got,

brought some clothes,
we could stay at your,

well, we can get a hotel
for a couple days, you know,

just till you get up on your feet again.

We've got plenty of
room in the house, Dad,

you can stay so you
don't have to spend that.

No, no, no, no,

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Well, I mean, you know,

I know how uncomfortable
it makes you feel.

Me?

Well, yeah.

No, it makes you uncomfortable.

I'm not uncomfortable.

- Yes.
- No.

Yes.

No, I'm not.

Dad, you send us
Christmas cards every year,

and you never once put
Kevin's name on them.

I mean, obviously,

Because you never told us his--

It's embar, huh?

I mean, how could we
have sent him something

when we didn't know what his name was?

We'd like to send him gifts, but

I don't know what he likes.

Dislikes.

I mean, we've never been introduced.

- Yes, you have.
- No, we haven't.

When Kevin called me, it took me forever

to figure out who he was.

I mean, I thought he was
tryin' to sell me somethin'.

If you didn't know his name,
why didn't you just ask?

Well, because we didn't want to pry.

Son,

your mother and I don't
really care who you date,

as long as you're happy.

That's all that really matters.

Thanks Dad.

But, uh,

when you see boobs,

nothin'?

Nothin'.

I hate hospitals.

They always make you smell like...

formaldehyde.

I'm surprised
you can smell anything

underneath all that sweat,

mud, and...

Billy Ocean.

Stop it.

Why don't we keep you
all in this general area

till we get you cleaned up?

The last thing I want for Christmas
is to have our house quarantined.

You know if
that man were a woman

he would make an excellent wife.

Nice.

I'm actually serious.

I know.

Dad,

what are you doing?

Isn't this where the
television used to be?

Yeah.

There's a big, uh--

Piano.

How are we supposed to watch the game?

I put the TV in the library.

Oh. Where's that?

Down the hall to the right.

Oh, you mean, the room your mother

used to keep all her books in.

Patrick!

Patrick, I have called
six different restaurants,

but everyone's closed.

That's because it's Christmas, Mom.

Nobody's open on Christmas.

What about that restaurant
at the end of A Christmas Story?

You know, the Chinese place.

That's a movie, Mom.

I don't live in A Christmas Story.

What about the Andersons
across the street?

They always have a house full of food.

I'm gonna go over and see

if they'll loan us some
of their sweet potatoes.

You do still like sweet
potatoes, don't you, honey?

Good.

I'm thinkin' about selling the house.

- Now?
- Well, not now,

but in the not too distant future.

Is this because your dad and Kirby

were making those Ted Kennedy jokes?

I'm serious.

Okay.

How does it make you feel?

About selling the house?

I mean, we're gonna have to move.

Unless we could buy our
own house from ourselves.

I mean, away.

Oh.

You know, you're also
gonna have to quit your job.

And the down side of that is?

That wouldn't bother you?

Have you been living under a rock?

I hate my job.

The commute sucks,

I spend my life on that train.

My boss is an asshole.

Just because I gave him a gift
doesn't mean I like him.

Sure, the money's nice, but

I can find some place
that'll let me wear a tie.

Makes me look thin.

You are thin.

See?

I missed you.

I missed you too.

Hey, what the hell
are you guys doin' up there?

Is it time to eat or what?

Coming!

How long are they
gonna be staying with us?

♫ I wanna wish you all the best

♫ This joyous time of year

♫ To bring you seasons greetings

♫ And fill your heart with cheer

♫ But in this world of different things

♫ It's hard to comprehend

♫ Not everyone shares Christmas

♫ And I don't want to offend

♫ So Happy Hanukkah

♫ Or Kwanzaa

♫ As you bask in candle light

♫ Have a prayerful Ramadan

♫ Or a peaceful Solstice Night

♫ I don't know which you celebrate

♫ So I'll just simply say

♫ Happy Generic

♫ Winter Holiday

♫ The Hindus have Diwali

♫ As it's called up in the north

♫ Down south it's Deepavali

♫ If you travel back and forth

♫ So many words so little time

♫ It's easier to say

♫ Happy Generic

♫ Winter Holiday

♫ I walk on eggshells all the time

♫ 'Cause people get uptight

♫ Goodwill toward men has turned into

♫ A drag out snowball fight

♫ But whether you spin Dreidels or you

♫ Jingle all the way

♫ Happy Generic

♫ Winter Holiday

♫ No matter which you celebrate

♫ There is no right or wrong

♫ I don't see what the problem is

♫ Can't we all just get along

♫ But in the end I wanna spend

♫ My holiday with you

♫ Whether you're a Gentile

♫ Or Jew

♫ My Generic Winter Holiday

♫ With you ♫

Good morning, it's 5:30 am,

forecast for the day, partly sunny

with a high of 20 degrees.

I'm Irwin Fletcher, and you're listening--

Awesome Blossom!