Happy Gilmore (1996) - full transcript

A Hockey player wannabe finds out that he has the most powerful golf drive in history. He joins the P.G.A. tour to make some money to save grandma's house. The downside is that his hocky player mentality doesn't really go on the P.G.A. tour. Especially with the favorite to win the championship.

My name is Happy Gilmore.

Ever since I was old enough
to skate, I loved hockey.

I wasn't really
the greatest skater, though.

But that didn't stop my dad
from teaching me

the secret of smacking
the greatest slap shot.

My dad worshipped hockey.
My mom didn't.

That's why
she moved to Egypt,

where there's not a hockey
rink within 1,500 miles.

Dad always took me to games to
cheer for our favorite player

Terry O'Reilly,
the Tasmanian Devil.

He wasn't the biggest guy in the league,
but he feared nobody, just like me.

Handsome fellow, huh?

He always said that when I grew up,
I could be anything I wanted to be

but I never wanted to be
anything but a hockey player.

Yeah, my childhood was going great,
but life is full of surprises.



After the funeral

I was sent to live with
my grandma in Waterbury.

I was kind of nervous, since I
really didn't know her that well

but she dressed like Gene Simmons
from KISS to cheer me up.

She's the sweetest person
in the world.

See, after my dad died, I
developed kind of a short fuse.

That kid right there
just stole my party blower

and instead of
asking for it back

I felt I had to belt him in the head
a bunch of times with a hammer.

Look at me go.

But most of the time, I was
quick to say I was sorry.

During high school, I played junior
hockey and still hold two league records:

most time spent
in a penalty box

and I was the only guy
to ever take off his skate

and try to stab somebody.

After I graduated, I had
a lot of different jobs.

I was a road worker,

a janitor,

a security guard,

a gas station attendant,

and a plumber.

Lately, I've been working construction.
It's not a bad racket.

I'm a pretty good shot
with a nail gun.

But one day my boss, Mr.
Larson, got in the way.

Apparently, he also has a short fuse.
Look at that monster.

He got a few lucky punches in there,
but I still feel I won the fight.

Anyways, those jobs
weren't for me.

I was put on this planet for
one reason, to play hockey.

That's my puck, baby!
Don't you ever touch my puck!

Number 18.
Is that Gilmore again?

How many times has this
guy tried out, anyway?

At least 10 times.

The guy's got
a lot of intensity.


Not a real strong
skater, though.

Ain't the best
puck handler, either.

MAN: Man, which side
are you playing for?

COACH: Yeah, but, my God...

What a shot.

Damn it!

Is that goal
regulation size, or what?


Number 1,

number 52, number 16.

They saw my power, man. Ain't no way
they're gonna dog me this year.

Number 9

and number 43.

The rest of you, if your number
wasn't called, better luck next year.

Hey, Coach, what's going on here, man?
What about me?


Gilmore, I called
your number, didn't I?

No, no, no, no,
you didn't.

Well, better luck next year.

Now, that wasn't very nice!
What are you doing?


Get him off me!

Somebody help me!

You think you're
better than me?

Hey, where are you going?
I got us Subway.

I already ate.

Well, I went to high school with a guy who
worked there, so we got extra meatball.

Great. I got to run.
See you later.

Hey, can you just stick around?
I kind of had a rough day.


When are you getting back?

Terry, wait!

Wait! Hold on a second, babe.


You're not going for good,
are you, honey?

You're going nowhere, Happy,
and you're taking me with you.

All you ever talk about is being a pro
hockey player, but there's a problem.

You're not any good!

I am good! You know what? You're
a lousy kindergarten teacher!

I've seen those finger paintings
you bring home, and they suck!

I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. I
think they're excellent finger paintings.

Please don't go.

I am not spending the rest
of my life with a loser.

I'm gone.

Good! Then, get the hell out of my life!
Who needs you? Beat it! Leave me alone!

I'm sorry, babe.
I didn't mean that either.

I just yell sometimes
'cause I get so scared,

scared of being a nobody.

Why don't you just
come back upstairs, honey?

I'll give you the old
smoochy-smoo kissy-wissy.


You know Happy's gonna make
everything okay.


I wanna kiss you all over

And over and again

I wanna kiss you all over


Till the night closes in

Till the night closes in




All right, sit tight.
I'll be right over.

Hey, you no want breakfast?



Hey, put that stuff down!
That's my grandmother's!

Cut it out, kid.
We're just doing our jobs.

What are you talking about?

Your grandmother hasn't paid
her taxes in over a decade.


Grandma, you didn't
pay your taxes?

I would have, but I
didn't have any money.

Where are you
taking all her stuff?

I'm not taking her stuff, okay?
The government is.

It's not like I'm taking
her stuff over to my place

or something like that, all right?
So don't get mad at me.

But she's an old lady. I mean,
look at her. She's old.

You can't just take her stuff.
She's too old.

I'm sorry. I have no discretion here.
Her stuff is now our stuff.

Well, at least we got
the house, right?

I mean, I can bring furniture from my place
over here. We're gonna be okay, Grandma.

Now you're really gonna be mad.
I have to take the house, too.

No, look, pal, my grandfather built
this house with his bare hands.

My grandma's been here over 60 years.
You can't take her house.

Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS

$270,000 in back taxes.

Oh, my God.
We have to take the house.

And if you can't get
the money together in 90 days

we're gonna have to sell
the house to someone else.

You hate me, don't you?

I don't hate you.


He hates me.

HAPPY: Don't worry, Grandma,
everything's going to be all right.

Look at this place,
Silver Acres Rest Home.

Hell, it looks more like a country
club than a nursing home.

Nice grass, nice people.

Now, I hope you brought your
bathing suit. Oh, Happy.

I'm telling you, this place is perfect.
You're gonna make friends in no time.


Get me out of here!

(CRYING) Here, just eat that!
Leave us alone!

Grandma, you don't gotta do this, you know.
You can come live with me.

Nonsense, dear.
You're a grown man.

I wouldn't burden you like
that, and that's final.

You tell me, how's that
nice girlfriend of yours?

She got hit by a car.
She's dead.

Look, I'm telling you,

I am gonna get that $270,000 and
we're gonna get your house back.

That is a promise.

Oh, sure.

In the meantime, just stay
here and have some fun.

I will, dear.
Don't worry.

Pardon me,
but it's naptime.

All right, a nap,
that sounds nice.

You go.
I love you.

I love you too, darling.

Okay, bye.

Hey, buddy.

I want you to do me a favor.
You see that lady?

She's very important to me, okay?

So I want you to take
extra-special care of her.

You know what
I'm talking about here?

I can't accept that, but
I'll tell you what I can do.

I can take extra-special care of that
young lady over there for nothing.

Okay, I appreciate that.

Have a nice afternoon.

Sir, could I trouble you
for a glass of warm milk?

It helps put me to sleep.

You could trouble me for a warm
glass of shut-the-hell-up!

Now, you will go to sleep,
or I will put you to sleep.

Check out the name tag. You're
in my world now, Grandma.

Oh, dear.

Hey, bet you I can hit
a ball past that tree.

$20 says you can't.

Hey, morons, I told you
I wanna watch the hockey game.

Now, cut the golf sissy crap
and finish up in there.


Think of it as a way to enjoy your grandma's
possessions for another half hour.

Oh, my God, you got
ahold of that one!

I'd like to see you try it. Yeah,
it's not as easy as it looks.

Sorry, ladies,
I'm not the golfing type.

I'll tell you what.
You hit a ball past my ball

and we'll go straight back to work so you
can watch your precious hockey game.

Give me the stupid club.


Look at this stupid thing.

This is gonna be hilarious. I
mean, look how he's standing.

You like that?



Holy shit!

Go back to work.

That house is like
400 yards away.

Is that good?
That's unbelievable.

Beginner's luck.

$20 says you can't
do it again.

Bring it on.


are gonna pay for that!


You hit that guy! He shouldn't
have been standing there.

One more time.
Double or nothing.

You better pay up.


All right, maybe we should
get back inside.

Hey, you made a bet.
Pay the man.

MAN: All right!

Thanks, man.
Tell your friends.

HAPPY: Step right up, folks!
He's good.

See if you can outdrive

the amazing
golf ball whacker guy!

That's great.

Very good.

Bend those knees.

Remember now, it's all in the hips.
You're doing great.

It's all in the hips.

HAPPY: All right, $50 I can hit
it over the highway! Any takers?

That's real good.

HAPPY: So long, sucker.



MAN: You're like a freak.

How often do you play?
Never. This is my first time.

Hey, you should play in the
Waterbury Open tomorrow.

Yeah. Yeah, all right,
I'll see you guys there.

He's gonna play.

And, by God,
he's gonna win.

Hey, mister, you gotta wear a helmet.
Don't worry about it.


Yeah, yeah,
bring that shit on, man.

Oh, God, I love it.


Oh, God, that hurt a little,
but I'm all right.

Oh, my God, son, what
the hell are you doing?

Three hundred and sixty-four more
days till next year's hockey tryouts.

I gotta toughen up. Yeah!

Oh, God, that felt good. Yeah!

Come on, boy. Cut that out.
You're making me sick.


So you're a hockey player, huh?

You're gonna give that shit up.
You're gonna concentrate on golf.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the club pro here,
Chubbs Peterson.

I'm offering to teach you how to
play golf, personally, for free.


You have no idea who I am, do you?
No, l don't.

Back in 1965,

Sports Illustrated said I was going
to be the next Arnold Palmer.

Yeah? And what happened?

They wouldn't let me play
on the Pro Tour anymore.

I'm sorry.
Because you're black?

Hell, no. Damned alligator
bit my hand off.

Oh, my God!

Tournament down in Florida.

I hooked my ball in the rough
down by the lake,

damned alligator just popped up!
Cut me down in my prime.

He got me

but I tore one of that bastards
eyes out though. Look at that.


You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

I have never seen anyone who can hit
that ball half as far as you can.

You got real talent, kid.

Well, that's nice
of you to say

but I've been training to be
a hockey player my whole life.

Golf's no different from hockey.
Requires talent and self-discipline.

Golf requires goofy
pants and a fat ass.

You should talk to my
neighbor, the accountant.

Probably a great golfer.
Huge ass.

Hey, I bet your neighbor, the accountant,
can't drive the ball 400 yards.

Bet your neighbor, the accountant, doesn't
have a shot to get on the Pro Tour.

How would I do that?

You win the Open tomorrow, you're
automatically on the Pro Tour.

Then, who knows? Maybe you'll win
the Tour Championship one day.

Get that gold jacket
like I never got.

Gold jacket, green jacket,
who gives a shit?


Don't worry about that. Made of wood.
It's real sturdy.

Oh, boy. Sorry about that.

Look, it was good
to meet you, but...

So... All right,
I'm out of here.

You know, this is not
real smart, kid.

I thought you were pro material,
primed to make the big bucks.

Hey, Chubbs,
what kind of big bucks?

Stupid golf clubs. Why the
hell am I doing this?

Must be Burt Reynolds
or something.

Good morning.

Son, isn't this great?

Blue skies, fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.

You gonna recite me a poem? Easy.

Jeez,you love this golf stuff, huh?
Oh, yeah.

Figure a guy your size, well, why didn't you
play a normal sport, like football?

My mama wouldn't sign
the permission slip.

Thought it might be
a little too dangerous.

Yeah, good call.

Hey, who's that?

CHUBBS: The shorter guy
on the right? Doug Thompson.

He's the president
of the Tour.

The other guy, Shooter McGavin,
leading money-winner this year.

Hey, who's the girl?

Hi, I'm Virginia Venit, Director
of Public Relations for the Tour.

Of course. I've heard
you've done some

really interesting things here
in Public Relations.

Really? Because I'm working on a
cross-promotional thing right now...

Jeez, you know what would be great?
If I could get a Pepsi.


Oh, miss?



By the way,
thanks for dressing up.

Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like
those, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Good morning, everyone, and
welcome to the Waterbury Open.

Now, before we tee off, I have
a very special treat for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Shooter McGavin.


Thank you.

Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug
play yesterday, and I gotta tell you,

this guy spends more time in the
sand than David Hasselhoff.


Let me get a little serious
on you.

Now, you're all aware that today's big
winner will be invited to join the Pro Tour

and I just want you to know

that, although only one of you
gets to be my colleague,

all of you are now my friends.

Thank you.
Now go get them!

Next up: Lafferty, Daniel...

and Gilmore, Happy.

Hey, where are you going
with those clubs, punk?

Mr. Gilmore,
I'm your caddy.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. No, no,
no, let me carry these, all right?

They're my grandfather's.
They're pretty old.

Well, what should I do then?

I don't know.
Why don't you just watch me

and make sure I don't do
anything stupid, okay?

Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty
will be teeing off now.

All right.
Good luck, buddy.

Get out of the way.

Where were you
on that one, dipshit?


Probably the only good one
I'll hit all day, huh?

Mr. Gilmore, you're up.

All right.


God damn it!


Relax. Just do what we talked about, huh?
Don't even look at the green.

Make contact with the ball. There's
no goalie out there to block it.

Remember, it's all in the hip.
Hey, hey, it's all in...

Come on, work with me now.

It's all in the hips.

Yeah, it's all in the hips.

It's all in the hips.
Get off of me!

Hey, just easing
the tension, baby.

Just easing the tension.
Well, ease it on someone else.


What the hell?

Come on. Good. Now we just
worry about putting, huh?

Oh, yeah. Putting.

All right, now,
remember what I said, huh?

Just use your shoulders to
push the ball, not your arms.

Don't break the wrist, and bring
that putter back just like...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're confusing me.
Just let me put the ball in the hole.

All right.

WOMAN: Oh, my.

Is this guy kidding?


This is pathetic.

There you go. Good shot.

It's about time.
Hey, it is about time.

I mean, I just couldn't get
the ball in the hole.

I wanted to,
but I just couldn't do it.

Hey, what are you doing?


He shoots, he scores!

Oh, man, that was
so much easier than putting.

I should just try to get the
ball in one shot every time.

Good plan.

Did you see that?
Yes. Nice shot.

He just got a hole in one
on a par four.

I know,
I just said I saw it.

I hope he wins.
He's a publicist's dream.

I mean, a guy who can drive the ball
that far, he could really draw a crowd.

You know what else could draw a crowd? A
golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.




CHUBBS: All right, now...

you make this one in four or less
shots, you win the tournament.

Four shots.

Just think of it this way.

Other team has pulled their
goalie, it's wide open.

All you gotta do
is tap it in.

I can do that.


Don't worry about it.
You're still in good shape.

All you gotta do is just tap it in.
Just tap it in, now.

Hey, just tap it in.


Just tap it in.
Just tap it in.

Give it a little tappy.
Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.

Grandma, Grandma,
Grandma, Grandma.

All right! Yeah!

He's gonna be on the Tour.
That's super.



That's cute.

Mr. Gilmore,
Virginia Venit.

Hi, I'm PR Director for the Tour.
Nice to meet you.

I just wanted to say welcome
and congratulations.

I saw that hole in one on a par four.
That's gotta be some kind of record, huh?

Hey, I got
a hockey record.

I took my skate off
and tried to stab somebody.

I'm the only guy
who ever did that.

That's wonderful.

I'm a little bit bummed,
though, you know.

I thought we were gonna
get some money for this.

Oh, well, cheer up. Next week in Portland,
the winner takes home $216,000.

How about the guy
who comes in last place?


All right! So no matter what,
I'm gonna get some money.


Yeah. Well, I'll see you
next week then.

All right, bye.

Hey, man, I hate to admit this,
but this is my first trophy.

Only problem is
that goofy golf guy on top.

Maybe the guy at the trophy store could
put a little hockey guy on there.

Happy, shut your trap.
All right.

I gotta admit, you were
great out there today.

Thank you.
But you weren't that great.

A lot of that was luck.

Well, some might call it luck.
I like to call it,

well, luck, I guess.
So what?

So I want you to put off joining
the Pro Tour for a while.

We got a lot of work to do
before you go out there

and compete with those
real professionals.

Forget it, Chubbs,
I learned a lot today.

I'll pick up the rest
as I go along.

Stop being a damn fool!

People would kill to be able
to hit the long ball like you.

You got an advantage over any man
that walks out onto the tee.

All we need to do is develop
the rest of your game.

Then, you'd be
unstoppable, son.

You're probably right, but I
just can’t wait. I need money.

That's spoken like a true asshole.
Look, just give me six months.

I'll work with you every day.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I got to go. I
appreciate everything. Wish me luck.

Best of luck, kid.
Best of luck.

Marty, if you'd stop yapping your
trap for a second, I could tell you.

The price is
$200 per quilt.

Yeah, well, this is handmade
quality shit we're talking here.

Yes, well, when do you
need them by? All right.

Good doing business with you.

Okay, listen up everybody. Turn
up your volumes. Announcement.

I got good news. We're extending arts
and crafts time by 4 hours today.

My fingers hurt.

What's that?

My fingers hurt.

Now your back’s gonna hurt, 'cause
you just pulled landscaping duty.

Anybody else's fingers hurt?

I didn't think so.

Why do you
do that to me, huh?

Why do you make me act like that
in front of everybody, huh?

Mr. Gilmore! Hey, toidy's
straight down to the right, dear.

How's my grandma?
She's super.

We're just enjoying some arts
and crafts time right now.

Grandma's quite a quilter.

Hey. Wow, that's a
tremendous looking trophy.

Happy, I'm so glad to see you. I'm
glad to see you, too, Grandma.

I've been thinking
about you all the time.

Looks like everybody's
having fun here, huh?


Grandma, good news. I made the
Professional Golfers' Tour.

That's lovely, dear.
Yeah, it is lovely.

You know what else
is lovely?

If I can figure out a way
to beat those other guys,

we're gonna get
the house back.

Oh, thank God!

I can't stand to live
in this place another minute.

What are you talking about?
I thought you like it here.

That orderly guy seems very nice.
Don't you like him?

Oh, I do. I do.
It's just...

Well, the air conditioner's broken.
I'm getting a little warm.

Well, just let the kid
fix it for you.

All right,
got the little twisty knobs.

That ain't doing it.
All right.


Mister! Mister!

Get this off of me! Mister!

Hang on, I'll be right down!

You know that "mister, mister" lady?
I think I just killed her.

What'd you expect? Norman spends more
time in the sand than David Hasselhoff.

Come on, that's funny. Yeah, it was
funny the first time I heard it.

Drink up, would you? Hey, anybody
tapped a keg yet? I'll pump.

Right. I'm Happy Gilmore. What's up?
Hey, Happy, Mark Lye.

Welcome to the Tour.

Yeah, I heard about that ace you had on
that par four. Man, that's impressive.

You heard about that?

That's cool.
That's a nice jacket.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? They give you
one if you win the Tour Championship.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

Just only the biggest
tournament of the year.

Oh, really?

Where's yours?

That's good. It is a good one.
He's a funny guy.

I'll have mine in, what,
three months, guys? Yeah.

Not if I have anything
to do with it, you won't.

Whoa, look out.

SHOOTER: You better
look out boys.

Hey, if you're not doing
anything later

why don't you join us
at 9:00 on the 9th green?

What happens there?
That's a secret of the pros.

All right, cool.
Thanks, man.

All right,
I'm out of here.

I hear that Asteroids machine
calling my name from the game room.

So, peace.

Oh, and Happy?
Dress nice, huh?

All right,
all right.

Almost 9:00.

Hey, public relations lady, you
see Shooter McGavin around?

No. Why?

I just need to beat
the living piss out of him.

Wait. Let me guess, the old
"9th green at 9:00" trick, huh?

It would appear so,
now wouldn't it?

You're right.
He does deserve a beating.

But if you beat him up tonight,
I've got to get up in the morning

and explain to the papers why the new guy
on the Tour beat up Shooter McGavin.

So you see you'd really
be making more work for me.

I wouldn't want to do that.

Listen, don't worry about Shooter.
He's just threatened by you.

He's worried you're gonna
steal some of his thunder.

That's nice of
you to say.

So, all right, I'm gonna
go change now. Okay.

Hey, my girlfriend's dead, you know. She
fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Really? I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, you should
get some sleep, Gilmore.

Tomorrow's a big day.

You're right. It is.

Hello, everybody. I'm Verne
Lundquist along with Jack Beard.

Looks like we're going to have a nice crowd
here on this sun-sational April morning

for the 22nd annual
AT&T Invitational.

The field includes a group of elite
golfers from around the world.

The favorite has to be Shooter McGavin.
He's won three of the last four.

Thanks, man.

Hey, here's my last $1.

This is the last time
I'm gonna tell you.

Come on, he's just trying to make
some money. Leave him alone.

SHOOTER: I don't know what it is about
this big winning streak I'm on.

I'm in the zone. What can I say?
The hole just seems to get bigger.

REPORTER: How does it feel
to be the favorite?

I certainly don't think
I'm the favorite.

With all great players here today,
it's really anyone's tournament.

I'm just trying to do
the best I can out there.

I tell you, the real winner
today's the city of Portland.

Every time I come here,
it gets harder to leave.

I think you guys put
something in the water.

Excuse me, I gotta go
play a little golf.

REPORTER: Good luck.

Hi, I'm a hockey player,
but I'm playing golf today.

Happy Gilmore.

Oh, the guy with
the long drive.

What's your caddy's name? You
guys haven't given me one yet.

On the Pro Tour,
you provide your own caddy.


All right.

Hey, easy with those clubs,
all right? They're antiques.

Gary Potter. Great to have
you on the Tour, Happy.

I feel a lot of solid energy
coming out of you.

Good positive aura.
Great, great, it's all great.

Yeah, yeah.
Nice to meet you, man.

Is it always like this, with the TV
cameras, and the people, and stuff?

Yeah, a lot of pressure.
You gotta rise above it.

You gotta harness in the good
energy, block out the bad.

Harness energy,
block bad.

Feel the flow, Happy.
Feel it. It's circular.

It's like a carousel. You pay the
quarter, you get on the horse.

It goes up and down
and around.

Circular. Circle.
With the music, the flow.

All good things.

Yeah, all right. Well, great. Thanks a lot.
Nice to meet you, man.


Next to tee off,
Happy Gilmore.

All right,
give me a club.

I'll get it.






What a shot
by Happy Gilmore!

Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?
I don't know.

Oh, yeah!


You like that, baby?

Plenty more where that
came from! Yeah!

Get Virginia Venit
in here, immediately.

I think you should
use a five iron.

You think so?
Give me my wedge.

Five iron, huh? Well,
you're fired. Bye-bye.


What are you doing,
Happy, riding a bull?

You're acting like
a damn fool!



Doing the bull dance. Feeling the flow.
Working it. Working it.

VERNE: On the 18th green

Shooter McGavin is putting
for the win.

Maybe it's just me, but his crowd seems
unusually small for this type of moment.


VERNE: I think most people
have found their way

over to Happy Gilmore.

He's been the talk of the course
today, with his huge drives

and his amazingly
bizarre behavior.

He's on the 17th green right now, having
a little trouble closing out his day.

Happy, the ball itself
has its own energy

or life force, if you will.

Its natural environment
is in the hole.

So why don't you
send him home?

His bags are packed.
He's got his airplane tickets.

Bring him to the airport.

Send him home.

Yeah. Send him home.

I'll just send him home.

It's time to go home
there, ball.


You son of a bitch, ball!

Why didn't you just go home?
That's your home!

Are you too good for your home?
Answer me!

Suck my white ass, ball!


WOMAN 1: Hey!
WOMAN 2: Hey, look out!


(SLEEPING) Virginia, put out
a press release concerning

Happy Gilmore
being thrown off the Tour.

I want to see a draft
by 6:00 p.m.

You're right.
He was out of line.

His behavior is
completely unacceptable.

But, you know, golf has been
waiting for a player like this.

A colorful, emotional,
working-class hero.

I will not tolerate behavior like this.
Gilmore is gone.

I just got a call
from the Dallas Open.

Their phones have been ringing off the
hook with people who want to see Happy.

They just sold out.

I know, he's a little rough around
the edges, but let me work with him.




Fine. But he's
your responsibility.

If he cleans up his act,
he can stay.

If he doesn't,
it's your ass.

And any more of this


and he's gone.



What do you think of
Happy Gilmore?

I didn't get a chance to see him play.
I was too busy winning.

You gotta admit, though, it's a
hell of a drive. 450 yards, huh?

Yeah, how did he finish,
again? Dead last?

Yeah, yeah. He had a good day though.

Is it true that he made
a 450-yard hole in one?

Hey, where's my check? We'll be
mailing them out next week, sir.

No, no, I want mine now. I
don't have any checks to give.

Well, that guy got one, right? Give me
one of them big ones, I don't care.

Hiya, pal. How about a beer?
Hey, put that on my tab.

That was quite a show
you put on today, Gilmore.

You were the talk of the tournament.
Wow, thanks a lot.

Yeah. You really crushed that ball
off the tee, I'll tell you what.

You know, you'd be something in
one of those long-drive contests.

You can probably get a very good living,
traveling around, hustling at driving ranges.

Thanks, Phil.
That's, that's, that's...

You know, I know what you're doing
right now, and I don't like it.

So why don't you just shut your
trap before I put my foot in it.

Don't turn your back on me.

Let's get one thing straight,
this is Shooter's tour.

I've worked hard my whole life, paid
my dues, and now, it's Shooter's turn.

And Shooter's not about to let his reign
at the top be spoiled by some freak

sideshow clown.

Did you just
call me a freak?

I was on this tour
for one reason, money.

But now I got a new reason,
kicking your ass.

Well, I'd like to
see you try.

Let's do it.

I meant on a golf course.

Hey. Hey, what is
going on here, huh?

I was just looking for the
other half of this bottle.

And... Oh, there's some of it.
There's some, right there, too.

Why don't you just put it down?
Yeah, I know.

Just stay out of my way, or you'll pay.
Listen to what I say.

How about I just
go eat some hay?

I could make things out of
clay and lay by the bay.

I just may.
What do you say?

VIRGINIA: You better calm down or
you're gonna get kicked off this Tour.

HAPPY: That can't happen.

Yes, it can happen,
and I don't want it to happen.

You could be
a big star on the Tour.

I don't wanna be a big star,
I wanna make some money.

You're not going to be around
long enough to make money

unless you start behaving.

All right, take it easy. What
do you mean by "behaving"?

I mean, no swearing,
no throwing clubs

and especially
no hitting other players.

Oh, good, you mean no fun.
No, no, no.

No, you can have fun.

And that's why I think people
are gonna come to see you.

But you've got to
keep it within reason.

All right, I will work on
what you call "behaving."

But I ain't gonna
act like a stiff out there.

Fine. Thank you.

What are doing now?
You wanna get some food?

No thanks.
I don't date golfers.

Good, 'cause
I'm a hockey player.

Just behave, okay?

VERNE: Happy Gilmore makes
his way to the tee

in the 72nd annual
Cleveland Classic.

Hey, Happy Gilmore!
Drive it 400 yards!

Oh, my God. I mean,
I can't believe I have fans.

I've been waiting
my whole life for this.


Don't be alarmed,
Mr. Gilmore.

I know we had our problems,
but I'm truly proud of you.

Hey, thanks a lot,
Mr. Larson.

It's good to see you again.

How's that thing feeling?

Terrific. The nail
comes out next week.

Well, you can
hardly even notice it.

Let's make a little
noise here, huh?

Come on! I can't hear you!

Trying to reach the green
from here, Shooter?

That's not possible, sir.

I beg to differ.

Happy Gilmore accomplished that
feat no more than an hour ago.

Well, moron, good for Happy Gilmore...
Oh, my God!

SHOOTER: Oh, my God.

Come on.

LARSON: Hey, Shooter, haven't
you forgotten your nine iron?



Quite a large and economically diverse
crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.

I guess it's the new tour
sensation, Happy Gilmore,

who's attracting all sorts of
people to this beautiful course.

Jack, I think I even saw
one guy wearing one of those

plastic helmets.

Damn you people.
Go back to your shanties.

This is a biggie, pal. Time's ticking away.
I got to make some real money.

What do you think?
Slightly downhill?

And slanting left.

No, no, it just seems that way
'cause you only got one shoe on.

Oh, yeah.


You got the ball?

VERNE: Happy Gilmore
from nine feet.

Here comes the putter throw.

Wait. He's restrained himself.
Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore.

WOMAN 1: Very good.
WOMAN 2: Yeah.

Another tournament in Dallas, and
another Shooter McGavin victory.

He's now won here
three years in a row.


That son of a bitch!

Give me my ball! Give it here!
Cough it up, you dirty bastard!

I swear to God, I'll rip it out of you!
Give me the...

Give me the ball, alligator.


You've got one eye.


You took his hand.



That Happy Gilmore, he's a
real crack-up, isn't he?

I mean, he's a hoot!

Well, he's bringing in
some big crowds. Yeah.

You know, what was great today,
one of his fans mooned me

and had "Happy"
written on his ass.

"Ha" on the one cheek, and then, sure
enough, "P-P-Y" right there on the other.

I think it's great
what he's doing for the sport.

Well, yeah, I'm beginning
to come around.

Yeah, everyone seems
to be coming around.

Well, I'm not, Doug!

This man is destroying golf.

I saw two big, fat, naked bikers,
in the woods off 17, having sex.

How am I supposed to chip
with that going on, Doug?

You've got to kick him off the Tour.
He's not breaking any rules.

And until he does... But
he's a disgrace to the game!

You may be right,
but our ratings are up

and we're attracting new,
youthful sponsors.

I'm sorry, Shooter.

There's nothing I can do.

Well, I guess I'll have to
take care of this myself.

Grandma, I came in ninth place.
I won $35,000.

So we'll get the house back?

As long as I don't come in last
place in the next two tournaments,

we'll get the money in time.

That's wonderful, Happy.

I love you, Grandma. Bye.

Goodbye, darling.

Hey, Virginia.

You know we should go on that date.
I have been pretty good lately.

Oh, really? What is
this I hear about you

breaking a rake and
throwing it into the woods?

What? I didn't break it. I was
just testing its durability.

And then I placed it in the
woods because it's made of wood

and I just thought
he should be with his family.

At least I didn't
punch anybody.

All right. Okay, we'll go on a date.
But just as friends, all right?

Yeah, just as friends. Slow down. I
don't want to be more than friends.

I just met you.

HAPPY: They fit you okay?

Yeah, I haven't skated
since I was a little kid so...

Hey, pal, can we
get a little time here?

For Happy Gilmore, anything.

You used to play ice hockey?
Shut up.

Oh, my God, power failure.

It's getting very
scary in here.

Did you set this up?


I thought we were
gonna be just friends.

What? Friends listen to
Endless Love in the dark.

This song reminds me
of seventh grade.

This song reminds me
of my grandmother.

That's kind of weird.

She took me
to see this movie.

I, like, got the biggest
crush on Brooke Shields.


And my grandma told me I should write
her a letter, you know, so I did.

And I got a letter back from
Brooke like two weeks later

but it was in my
grandmother's handwriting.

Your grandma sounds sweet.

She is sweet. That's why
I feel so terrible.


No, no, forget it.

No, no, no. It's okay,
you can tell me.

It's just she's stuck
in a damn nursing home.

The IRS repossessed
her house.

That's awful.

That's why I
joined the Tour

and I'm pretty close to
getting her house back but...

Look, don't tell anybody about
this, I'm kind of embarrassed.

Don't worry.
I won't tell anybody.

Hey, I'll make you a bet.

Do you always carry a puck around?

All right, now, if you get that
puck in that net over there,

I'll never
bother you again.

But if you miss

you gotta give me
a big, fat kiss.

And you got to pretend
that you like it, too.


Good luck.


Holy shit.

Talk about your
all-time backfires.


I didn't see it go in.

VERNE: Welcome to
soggy San Francisco,

the site of this year's
Pepsi Pro-Am.

How you doing Happy?
I'm Bob Barker.

Wow, what an honor.
Nice to meet you.

Looks like you and I are gonna
be playing together today.

That's funny. Who am I
really playing with?

This is a Pro-Am, Happy.

Each golfer is playing
with a celebrity. Wow.

You know, Nick Faldo and I
won this thing last year

and I'd like to win it
again this year.

All right,
I'll do my best.

Hey, Gilmore?

You suck,
you jackass.

Why don't you
shut the hell up?

I'd love to punch that guy
in the face right now

but I can't, you know,
because I'd get in trouble.

I bet you got a lot of that
on Let's Make A Deal.

It's The Price Is Right,

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

It happens. Let's play some golf.



The club went further
than the ball.

What the hell was
that all about?

It's just that, you know, it's
rainy, and that guy, and it just...

It just slipped.

You're gonna need a blanket
and suntan lotion

'cause you're never gonna
get off that beach!

Just the way you never got
into the NHL, you jackass!


The green's that way.

You will not make this
putt, you jackass.

Nice shooting, soldier.


All right, Happy,

nice and easy.


That was not nice and easy.

That guy's driving me crazy.

You know what's driving me crazy? You
not getting the ball in the hole.

Don't push me, Bob.
Now's not the time.

DONALD: Jackass.


This guy sucks.


We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this
badly since his first day on Tour.

He and Bob Barker
are now dead last.

I can't believe you're
a professional golfer.

I think you should be working
at the snack bar.

You better relax, Bob.

There is no way that you could have been
as bad at hockey as you are at golf.

All right, let's go.


You like that, old man?
You want a piece of me?

I don't want a piece of you.
I want the whole thing!


Now you're gonna
get it, Bobby!

MAN: Happy!

The price is wrong, bitch.

I think you've had enough.


Now you've had enough.


SHOOTER: Wow, that couldn't
have gone any better.

Instead of hitting you,
he hits Bob Barker. Yeah.


We're good, huh? So, I'll see you
at the next tournament, right?

Oh, no, that won't be necessary. This
was on national TV. Gilmore's gone.

Well, look, let's get something to eat.
There's a Red Lobster nearby. My treat.

Maybe some other time.

Shooter, I thought we were
gonna be friends.

Oh, we're friends, we are.
I just got to go.

Okay, well, I'll be at the Red Lobster
in case you change your mind, Shooter.

God bless!

There you are.

Hey, Happy Gilmore,
come on down!

Thank you, Shooter.
Sit down Mr. Gilmore.

So you had a fight with a game
show host on national TV.

I don't consider
that entertainment.

This is not hockey, Mr. Gilmore, no
matter how much you want it to be.

I know that and I'm sorry,
okay, but it wasn't my fault.

There was some guy out there
giving me crap

and it took every ounce
of my energy not to hit him.

So you decided to
head-butt Bob Barker.

Who won that fight, anyway?
DOUG: That's enough, Shooter.

The board is taking
the following action.

You'll be fined $25,000
and suspended for one month.

Suspended! I got to play!

Doug, kick him
off the Tour.

Well, the board thinks that
that might be extreme

considering the fact
that our ratings were the

highest that we've ever had.

Doug, look, my grandmother's
house got repossessed.

If I can't make some prize
money in the next tournament

they could sell it
to somebody else.

Well, whoop-de-doo.
Get out.

I don't wanna hear it.
It's over.

My grandmother's never
gonna see her house again.

Yeah, but you've made a lot of money.
You could get her a really nice condo.

My grandfather didn't build any
condos with his bare hands.

God damn it,
I hate that Bob Barker.

Okay, there has got be another
way to get the $50,000.

I don't even want to talk
about it anymore, all right?

I failed, okay?

Let me just sit here and enjoy the one
thing that makes me a little bit happy,

this fresh, delicious, tasty,

meaty, turkey-filled...

Cold Cut Combo. I eat three every
day to help keep me strong.

Hey, Happy,
can I have one of those?

Coming right up!

Talk about a hole in one.

PRESENTER: Subway sandwiches
will drive away your hunger.

What do you think, Grandma Gilmore?
I love it.

And he looks so handsome.
And it makes me hungry.

Oh, really? Well, they gave me this card.
It gives us free Subway for life.

That's lovely, dear.

Lovely. You know
what else is lovely?

That commercial
put us up to $275,000.

Let's go get your house back.
Oh, Happy.

What the hell?


What's going on here? I'm glad you made it.
This is very exciting.

We're gonna auction off
your grandmother's house.

Hey, hold it. You said if we got the money
by today, we could buy the house back.

Right, you can buy
the house back.

Bidding will start at $100,000.
100, do I hear the 100?

This is the exciting part.
Have fun.

Look at all these people.
What's going on, Happy?

175, thank you,
and a two. Two now.

Oh, my God. They're
auctioning off the house.

No, no, no,
this could be good.

We'll get the house back
cheaper than we thought.

250 and 225, thank you.
50, I have.

Maybe not. 275!

And 275, new bidder in the middle.
And a three. Three, now.

MAN: 350!
350 down front, and a 375.

I have 350 down front,
and a 75. 75, anywhere?

At $350,000 down front, sold to the
gentleman with the white sweater.

What just happened, Happy?

Go wait in the car, Grandma.

Hey! What the hell
is the matter with you?

Well, real estate speculation
is a hobby of mine.

You lay another finger on me,

I burn the house down
and piss on the ashes.

What do you want
for it, Shooter?

You know what I want.
You off the Tour.

Quit, and the house is yours.

Fine. I quit.
VIRGINIA: Oh, no, he doesn't.

Happy, I need to talk to you. What?
He's a jerk, but he's right.

I don't belong in this sport.
I'm a hockey player.

Oh, really? What team
do you play for? Easy.

Face it, Happy.
You are a golfer.

Look, I did this so I could
get Grandma's house back.

Now I can. No regrets.

What do you think
Grandma wants more:

to get her house back or to
see her grandson succeed?

Yeah, maybe there's
a way she can have both.

Hey, Shooter.

Tour Championship's next week, right?
That's right.

If I beat you, I get the house back.
You beat me, I'll quit.

You're gonna beat me?
At golf?


Oh, you're on.

You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat
pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

You eat pieces of shit
for breakfast?


That was great. I know you
are gonna kick his ass.

Yeah, that makes one of us.

All right, look, take care of Grandma.
I can walk from here.

Where are you going? I got
to learn how to play golf.

I'm stupid, you're smart.

I was wrong, you were right.

You're the best,
I'm the worst.

You're very good-looking,
I'm not attractive.

All right, as long as
you're willing to admit that.

Now, are you ready to get down to business
and do exactly what I tell you to do?

Believe me, I'm ready.

Then let's get to work.
All right.

I'm sorry. Here.

Here's your pinky.

Hey, Happy Land,
just like me.

Don't get excited, kid.
I've been here before.

This is embarrassing. I'm a
professional golfer, for God's sake.

No, it's your short game that's
embarrassing. Come on, let's go.




This time, just line up your putt.
Don't even look at the hole.

Aim for a spot six inches
in front of the ball.

Line up a spot six inches
in front of the ball.

Okay. Six inches.

CHUBBS: All right,
this one's very tough.



He's laughing,
he's having a good time.

Good for you. Yeah, laugh it up.
Enjoy your night.

Come on, Happy,


I hate that clown.

If you can’t beat the clown, how
you gonna beat Shooter McGavin?



You're gonna die, clown!

You think that's funny?
I don't hear you laughing now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Enough, enough.

What? I can't do it!

Come with me, Happy.

Come on!

Fuck, you stupid clown!
Come on.

Remember, now,
this isn't hockey.

You don't play
with raw emotion.

You can't putt angry.

You have to clear your mind of
everything else, and stay focused.


Now how the hell
am I gonna do that?

Think of a place
that's really perfect.

Your own happy place.

Go there, and all your
anger will just disappear.

Then, putt.

Happy place.

Happy place.

Your happy place.

Now how do you feel?

Now putt.


Your happy place.

You really took some giant
steps out there tonight.

I'm really proud of you.

So here.

I got something really
special for you here.

Wow, thanks, Chubbs.
You see that?

That is the same putter I used when I
played. Slightly modified, of course.

Man, this is excellent.

You got the spirit of a hockey player in
you, Happy, so I figured, why fight it, huh?

I got something for you, too, pal.

Yeah. I mean, I figured if it wasn't for you,
none of this would have happened, right?

So I wanted to
show my appreciation.

This looks nice.
What is it, huh?

Open it up.

Oh, man.

Remember the gator that got your hand?
I got his head.



First my dad
and now Chubbs.

Anybody I get close to dies.
If I were you, I'd run.

No, no, you can't
blame yourself for this.

I guess that alligator
finally finished the job, huh?

I'm gonna miss you, pal.

I don't know how the hell
I'm gonna play today?

Look, just remember
everything that he taught you.


You killed a golf legend.

Beat it, McGavin.
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna dedicate my performance
at the Tour Championship

to Chubbs' memory.

To hell with that,
I'm playing for Chubbs.

I called it first.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You want to beat him?
Beat him on the course.

That's right, I'm gonna beat
your ass on the course.

Yeah, right. And Grizzly
Adams had a beard.

Grizzly Adams
did have a beard.

VERNE: The golfers of the Tour
Championship are ready to hit the links.

There may be 63 professionals vying
for the title of world's best,

but in the minds of the spectators,
there are really only two.

Tour kingpin Shooter McGavin

and bad boy Happy Gilmore, fresh
off his recent suspension.

And wouldn't you know it?
They've been paired together.

I've got some very interesting interior
design ideas for Grandma's house.

You know that bedroom
at the top of the stairs?

Yeah, that was my room.

I think I'm turning that
into my trophy room.

It's perfect.

WOMAN: Nice.

It just may not be
big enough.

All right.


You know what the pathetic thing is?
You've been playing golf your whole life.

Let me show you
how we do it in the pros.


Jeez, that's gotta hurt.


Happy learned how to putt.


SHOOTER: Here's a free lesson.

Can't learn that
in a hockey rink.


Somebody's closer.

VERNE: After one day, Shooter
McGavin is in the lead.

But the big surprise
is young Happy Gilmore,

nipping at his heels and
trailing by only one stroke.

Shooter from the sand.

Playing like he
really wants that jacket.

Happy Gilmore answers
right back with a birdie.


Happy with a long
eagle opportunity.

It's good!

And Shooter can't believe it.

He is now tied
with Happy Gilmore.

A little too much zip
on that one.


Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.


I didn't see that. Did that go in?

'Cause I wasn't watching. Did it go
in the... Did it go in the hole?

I wasn't watching
and I know I saw it go up.

Did it come back in?
All right.

At the end of the third day, Happy
Gilmore has taken the lead.

And, Jack, one can't help
but be impressed

with the vast improvement
in his short game.

Hey, Donald. Shooter.

Shooter! Hey, it's great
to hear from you!

You wanna go to the Sizzler
and get some grub?

No thanks, pal.
Not hungry.

Listen, this call's about business.
I need you here in the morning.

Well, it's the final day
of the Tour Championship

and it's shaping up
to be quite a classic.

Happy Gilmore leads the pack.

Could there be a changing of the guard?
We'll know in 18 short holes.


Happy is really on today.

MAN 1: Happy,
New Jersey loves you!

MAN 2: Pittsburg loves you!
MAN 3: My sister loves you!

There he is, that worm.

Happy, look out!


Happy! Happy, you okay?


DONALD: Jackass!



Oh, my God.




Well, you're a little banged
up, but no serious injuries.

Just keep off the
feet for a few days.

To hell with that,
I got to finish up.

Fine. Do whatever you like. What
would I know? I'm just a doctor.

Hey, are you gonna be all right?
I'm fine.

Happy, there is no shame
in throwing in the towel.

When it comes to your health,
you can't be too cautious.

Let's just play some golf.

VERNE: I knew Happy Gilmore
was tough,

but I can't believe he's going to keep
playing after being hit by that car.

Let's hope it doesn't
affect his game.


My shoulder!

Oh, my, that's the first time he's
failed to out-drive Shooter McGavin.

Well, well, well. Happy
Gilmore is human after all.

Happy Gilmore is in big trouble, Jack.
He's lost the power to hit the long ball.

If he's going to have
any chance of winning today,

he's got to get it
done on the green.



He's really got to focus now.

He's got to save
this one for par.

Oh, my. That bogey drops
him out of the lead.

If he wants to stay in this thing, he
has to calm down and sink some putts.


Don't worry about your grandma, Gilmore.
She can live with me, be my maid.

VERNE: Look at the cabbage
he's in now.

Things just keep getting worse
for Happy Gilmore.

All right, just remember
what Chubbs said,

"Go to a happy place.

"Go to a happy place."



Oh, God!


VERNE: This looks like
the end for Happy Gilmore.

Shooter now has
a commanding lead.


Happy. Happy,
look who's here.


Happy, you look upset.
What's wrong?

I don't know what to say.
I stink. I'm not gonna win.

That's all right,

The house isn't important.
It's just a house.

Stop fraternizing
with the help, Gilmore.

Just hit your ball,
if you can find it.

Hi, Grandma.

Forget him. I just want
you to be happy, darling.

All right, Grandma.

Grandma wants me
to be happy.

Chin up, Happy.
Don't feel bad about me.

I got my hand back, see.

We've only just begun

to live

White lace and promises

A kiss for luck
and we're on our way


It ain't over yet, McGavin.

The way I see it,
we've only just begun.

Happy, the gold jacket's
yours. Shooter's gonna choke.


Damn you people! This is
golf, not a rock concert!


I'm gonna putt!



Happy rules!

Happy Gilmore has really
charged in the back nine.

He's now dead even
with Shooter McGavin.

And if Shooter doesn't get himself
out of this current funk he's in,

he may yet again
miss out on the gold jacket.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 18th
hole is a par three, 160 yards.

In the event of a tie, there
will be a sudden death playoff.

Mr. Gilmore,
you have the honors.

Well, no matter what,
I got to admit I'm having fun.

Happy Gilmore, you're starting
to sound like a golfer.

I know. Keep it down.


VERNE: Oh, nice shot!
Right at the pin.

Fifteen feet short
of the hole.


Shooter's ball is in the woods
and Happy's on the 18th green

where earlier a car driven by a
crazed fan rammed the TV tower.


Excuse me, I just gotta get through.
I'm looking for my ball.

This is golf, okay? Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.

Is this your ball?

Yes, it is.

It struck my foot.

Doug! Doug.

Can I get a drop?

The rule says,
"Play it as it lies."


That's two thus far, Shooter.

Oh, you can count.
Good for you.

And you can count on me waiting
for you in the parking lot.


MAN: Run, Shooter,
run for your life.

Looks like
you're still away.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.
Thank you.

I can't see.

Up here is good.

VERNE: Shooter needs this to
keep the pressure on Gilmore.

If he misses, Happy can
two-putt his way to victory.

Get in that hole.

Choke on that, baby!




VERNE: If Gilmore can sink this,
it will cap an amazing comeback.



HAPPY: Great. Now I have a
stinking tower blocking my ball.

Don't worry about it,
we'll get this cleaned up

and you'll finish tomorrow.
Right, Doug?

No, no, he has to hit it now. He
has to play the ball as it lies.

No, I had to hit it off
Frankenstein's fat foot, remember?

Those are the rules.
I didn't write them.

I'm afraid he's right.
Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore.

Oh, and Virginia, in case you were
wondering, my jacket size is 44 long.

And my right arm is just a
little longer than my left.

Happy, hit it
around the tower,

sink your putt, and we'll
go to sudden death.

I'll just beat him now.


Good luck.

Chubbs, I know you're gonna
help me with this one.


Oh, my God!

VERNE: Incredible! Happy
Gilmore wins the gold jacket.

No! No!


I love you. I love you.

And I love you.

Doug! Doug!
It's impossible!

That's my jacket!
It's mine!

Hey! He stole my jacket!

I believe that's
Mr. Gilmore's.



LARSON: I will get you,




LARSON: Stay still!


You coming?
You bet.

All right.

Here's to Chubbs,
wherever he is.

Hey, Happy.

Nice jacket.

Who are you
waving at, Happy?

Nobody, Grandma.
Let's go home.