Happy Death Day (2017) - full transcript

Shut up!

Oh, hey, you're up-

I wasn't sure if you, you know,
wanted to sleep in or not.

Am I in a dorm room?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone

Where are my clothes?

On the dresser.

I folded your pants last night.

You know, I wasn't sure if
that material gets wrinkled.



Great.

Uh...

Don't know if you
remember my name or not.

Pretty wasted last night.
Tylenol?

What?

My head is killing me.
Do you have any Tylenol?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Sorry.

Thanks.

I'm Carter, by the way.

Not a word of this
to anyone, got it?

Yeah. Sure.

Dude! Did you hit
that fine vagina or what?



Nice one, dickhead.

Hey!

Stop global warming?

Oh.

Run!

63 bottles of beer on the wall

26 hours, that's all you got?

Bottles of beer on the wall.

I can't hear you!

62 bottles of beer.

You take one down
Pass it around.

Keep going!

Hey!

Hi.

You haven't returned any of my texts.

Yeah, sorry, I've been busy.

Yeah, I can see that.

Okay, Tim, we went on a date.

One.

I don't have to text you back.
We're not, like, a thing.

Okay. I just...

You know, I figured
we had a nice time.

You had a nice time.
I was miserable.

I mean, who takes
their first date to Subway?

It's not like you have a footlong.

Hey, does this
look infected to you?

Someone drank my kombucha!

Is this gluten-free?

Yes. Of course.

Oh, my God!

You sneaky little beeyotch!
Who was it?

Nobody.

Sisters don't keep secrets.

Seriously, it was nobody.

Well, I hope "nobody" used a condom.

We don't want somebody
looking like a whore.

Thanks, Danielle.
Super helpful.

What are sisters for?

Oh, and don't forget,
house meeting at lunch.

Living for it.

Hmm.

She finally rolls in.

Did I totally embarrass
myself last night?

Not at all!

Unless you consider

dancing on a table,
starting two fights

and barfing pretzel chunks
all over the bar embarrassing.

Please tell me you're kidding.

Oh, and you also rammed your
tongue down Nick Sims' throat

right in front of Danielle.

Oh, God! But she was
so nice to me this morning.

Yeah, I think she was
as drunk as you last night.

So consider it collective amnesia.

Thank God for that!

Oh, crap! I'm so late for class.

I can't find my damn book!

Ha!

Did you really think you could
keep it a secret from me?

How did you find out?

Driver's license.

Not the best picture, I might add.

I assume you changed my ringer, too?

Who, me?

Never.

What'd you wish for?

A new roommate.

Wench.

I made that from scratch!

Sorry, too many carbs.
Toodles!

Locomotive response in the
subject shows an acceleration

across the quantum plane.

This creates great orbital overlap

between the partially
positive base of carbon

and the partially negative
hydrogen alkali group.

Thanks.

Get your school spirit
on before the big game.

10% off with your student ID.

We really need to step up
our game at the Sigma parties, okay?

And we still need to
pick this year's charity.

I can say right now,

there's no way we're doing the
Special Needs Art Fair again.

Totally freaked my shit out.
Thoughts?

What's wrong?

Oh, I don't know.

What's wrong, Tree?

Nothing.

Except for that cat lady buffet
you just dumped at our table.

And is that chocolate milk I see?

I missed breakfast.

What is breakfast, Becky?

Oh! Asshole!
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tree.

Wait, you two know each other?

Yeah.
No!

We had a class together last year.

Look, I was bringing you this back.

Sorry, I didn't know where you lived.
You know, I...

Yeah. I'm sorry again about the mess.

What a douchebag!

Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Dr. Lawrence to outpatient services.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone

Lori!
Hi.

Hi.

Um...

So, I thought you only work nights.

Doing a double for Jen.
She has the flu.

That's nice of you.

So, I guess I don't need
to ask what you're doing here?

Got to go!

Look, Tree.

It's none of my business,

but I think something like this

is bound to have some
pretty serious consequences.

You're right.
It is none of your business.

Dr. Surd and Dr. Margolan, 2476.

Dr. Surd and Dr. Margolan, 2476.

We can't do this today.

There's too much
going on in the building.

I have patients.

And I'm losing mine.

Gregory.

Hi.
Hey, sweetie.

What's with the door?

Stupid thing got jammed.

Oh. Just wrapping up here. Have
you met my student, Theresa?

No, I haven't.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you so much
for helping me out.

This is a nice surprise.

Nathan's been acting really
strange since our big fight.

And this morning,

he drove to Atlanta for
a last-minute business meeting

about opening a new gym.

Enter.

Which is weird because I've
never heard anything about it before.

But I'm trying not to
let that bring me down.

Is that my top?

How cute is it on me?

Whatever. Just don't get
anything on it, please.

You mean like Nick's nutter butter?

Wow. Classy, Danielle.

What time are you going
to the party tonight?

I don't know. Later.

Ugh.

Our tuition dollars at work.

Anyhow, don't be too late, or all
the cute Sigma boys will be taken.

Okay. Bye.

Bye!

Who took my hair dryer?

Crazy bitch!

Theresa, it's Dad.

I sat in that restaurant waiting
for you for over an hour.

I can't believe you would do
this to me, today of all days!

Bayfield, baby!
Ooh!

Babies for life!

Okay, you guys are hilarious.
You can come out now.

Losers.

Yo, I think your friends
went the other way.

Can I help you?

Look, weirdo, I'm not scared.

Why don't you go try this with one
of the heifers at Delta Gamma?

They're into cosplay.

Okay, I'm calling the cops.

Shut up!

Oh, hey, you're up-

I wasn't sure if you, you know,
wanted to sleep in or not.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

Oh...

Right, yeah.

I folded your pants
for you last night.

You know, I wasn't sure if
that material gets wrinkled.

Uh...

I don't know if you
remember my name or not,

you know, you were
pretty wasted last night.

But, uh...

I'm...
Carter.

You remember.

Tylenol?
What?

My head is killing me.
Do you have any Tylenol?

Oh, uh...

Yes.

Um...

It's over there.

Right.

It's under your clothes on the thing.

Right. Right.

Thanks.

And...

It's like you've been here before.

Are you okay?

Tree.

Are you okay?

Dude! Did you hit
that fine vagina or what?

I'm... I'm sorry.

Nice one, dickhead.

Hey!

Stop global warming?

Sorry, no thanks.

Oh.

Run!

64 bottles of beer on the wall

64 bottles of beer.

I'm soaked!

You take one down.
Pass it around

63 bottles of beer on the wall

26 hours, that's all you got?

Keep going! Faster!

62 bottles of beer on the wall

62 bottles of beer.

Keep going! I can't hear you!

Hey!

You haven't returned any of my texts.

Tim, what day is it?

Uh, Monday the 18th.

You're sure?

I'm pretty sure.

I, um...

I gotta go.

Call me!

Oh, my God!

You sneaky little beeyotch!
Who was it?

Sisters don't keep secrets.

I'm totally having déja vu right now.

Oh! I have it all the time.

It's supposed to mean
someone's thinking about you

while they're masturbating.

I have it at least five times a day.

Seriously, I've been having
it all clay. It's so weird.

Maybe you should switch
to water next time, hon.

I... Yeah, thanks.
I'll keep that in mind.

What are sisters for?

Oh, and don't forget,
house meeting at lunch.

Hello?

It's been on the board
since last Thursday, Tree.

Yeah. I remember it.

Um...

She finally rolls in.

That's so weird.

You okay?

You were kind of a mess last night.

Oh, shit. I'm so late for class.

Did you really think you could
keep it a secret from me?

Don't you wanna know how I found out?

Driver's license?

Clever girl.

That picture, though.

I gotta go.

But you didn't even blow out the...

Candle.

We really need to step up
our game at these frat parties, okay?

And we still need to
pick this year's charity.

I can say right now,

there's no way we are doing the
Special Needs Art Fair again.

Get your school spirit
on before the big game.

10% off with your student ID.

What's wrong, Tree?

Um, I'm just a little tired, I guess.

No, dumb-ass.

What's wrong with that?

So not Kappa cuisine.

And is that chocolate milk I see?

I missed breakfast.

We all miss breakfast, Becky.

Becky, look out!

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Tree.

Wait, you two know each other?

Yeah. I mean...
No!

We had a class together
last year. That's all.

I'm sorry about all this.

Hey.

What?

My bracelet.

Oh.

You know, I'm sorry
again about the mess.

What a douchebag!

We can't do this today. There's too
much going on in the building.

I need to talk to you.

Tree, I...

I know what you're gonna say.

You do?

Look.

It's normal for a young girl to
have feelings for an older man,

but you can't fall in love.

I'm not falling in love with you.

You're not?

No. I've been having
the weirdest day...

Your wife.

Uh, that's kind of a buzzkill.

Gregory. Are you in there?

Thank God you locked the door.

Hey, sweetie.

Uh, I didn't realize
I'd locked the door. Um...

Just wrapping up here.
Have you met my student, Theresa?

No...

I haven't.

Nice to meet you.

Happy birthday to us.

Happy birthday to us.

Happy birthday to us.

My favorite girls.
Blow it out.

There you go.

That! What's that?

You guys, I think
I just found a bug.

Where?
Right in there.

Take a look.

And Mom goes in for the kill.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hey, don't look at me.

Oh, I guess

I'm not having leftovers.

...for a last-minute business
meeting about opening a new gym.

I know! I'm just
borrowing it for tonight.

What time you going to the party?

But I'm trying not to
let that bring me down.

Hello?

Earth to space bitch.

What?

What time are you going to the party?

Uh...

I don't know. Later.

Ugh.

Our tuition dollars at work.

Okay, whoa!

Chill out. It's just another
rolling blackout, sweetie.

It happened before?
Yeah.

Like two weeks ago.

Anyhow, don't be too late, or all
the cute Sigma boys will be taken.

Who took my hair dryer?

Theresa, it's Dad.

I sat in that restaurant
waiting for you for over an...

Bayfield, baby!

Babies for life!

Yo, Mike. Come on. Hurry up, man.

Hold up. I'm coming.

Here we come.

No way.

Surprise?

What the hell, Tree?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I thought that you...

I am so, so sorry.

Don't mess with a Kappa bitch.

Yes.
Are you serious?

Yes.

That slut.
Who?

Lori. She said she'd be here.

She's so out of
the house next year.

I think she said she had,
like, a double shift.

Whatevs. She's been
boning some mystery guy.

There's your stalker.

He's so hot.

Danielle!
What?

That's so gross.
Oh, okay.

Truce?

Hi.

Why were you wearing
that stupid mask anyway?

Big game's on Friday.

I just thought I'd show
a little school spirit.

Never thought I'd get clocked for it.

I really am sorry.
Did you ice it?

It's fine.

You can make it up to me later.

What?

Don't "what" me.

You know exactly what
you are doing, Tree.

What am I doing, Danielle?

Danielle!

Nick?

Wow.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, Nick.
You scared me.

You want me to punch
you in the face again?

Welcome to the pleasure-dome.

It's a little loud,
don't you think?

Okay! I'm officially over this.

Have fun in the Sahara Tent.

Come on. Nick, seriously!
Danielle's, like, freaking out.

No!

Help me! Help me!

You asshole!

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

What...

I don't know if you remember
my name or not.

You were...
Pretty wasted.

Yeah.

And your name is Carter?
Yeah.

And we've never met before?

I mean, no, not until last night.

Oh, my God.
This is a nightmare.

I'm sorry.

You were the one that wanted
to come home with me.

Dude! Did you hit
that fine vagina...

Nice one, dickhead.

Stop global warming?

Oh! A simple "no thanks" would do.

Oh.

26 hours, that's all you got?

Keep going!

62 bottles of beer.

You take one down.

I can't hear you!

Hey!

You okay? You haven't
returned any of my texts.

She finally rolls in.

Hey, you okay?

Tree?

Tree, what's wrong?

Say something.

Lori...

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Okay.

Just calm down.
Tell me what's going on.

Look, I know this isn't
gonna make any sense,

but I have already
lived through this day.

Twice.

Tree.

No, no, no. Believe me.

I know it sounds totally crazy,

but this is happening
to me, I swear to God.

Tree. I'm sure it feels
like you're living through...

Okay, you made me a cupcake.

For my birthday, right?

You're about to give it to me

and then later on tonight
there's a surprise party.

Ugh.

Who told you?
Was it Becky?

No, no. Nobody told me.
That's what I mean.

Don't you see? I know
what is going to happen

before it happens.

Lori...

Lori, somebody is
gonna kill me tonight.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, I get it.
Who put you up to this?

Was it Danielle?
No, no, no.

This isn't some stupid joke!
This is actually happening to me.

I don't know who is going
to kill me, but someone is.

I just don't know who it is yet.

Tree, you're starting
to freak me out.

How do you think I feel?

Tree, look at me.

Nobody is trying to kill you.

Yes, they are, Lori.

Tree, look at me!

I know that today is hard
with your mom and all.

Why don't you skip class?

Just take the day off
and get some rest.

I promise you,
you'll feel better tomorrow.

Okay?

Let's see you get
in here now, asshole.

Tree, why is the door locked?

Um...

I just need some alone time.

What time are you
going to the party tonight?

I don't know.

Ugh.

Our tuition dollars at work.

Anyhoo, don't be too late, or all
the cute Sigma boys will be taken.

Okay. See you soon.

Who took my hair dryer?

...opening a new gym.

Which is weird because I've never
heard anything about it before.

But I'm trying not to
let that bring me down.

Because I'm on my
way to pick up Jace.

I'm just happy
you're gonna see Jace.

I know.

'Cause it's been,
like, almost a month.

He's gonna be so excited to see you.

Where'd Lori put the freaking remote?

Hi, Jace!

Hey, Jace.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Barbara.

I am Crystal.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Can you say bye to Mamey?

Bye.

Stay buckled and have a good time.

G-48.

It's that great. G-48.

G-48!

I don't know what's going on
with you and that other guy, okay?

...is being treated
for a gunshot wound

following a deadly shoot-out this
morning that left one officer dead.

Tombs was the subject of...

...boring hairstyles?

Do you go through
a can of hair spray

trying to get that full,
volumized look?

Then bump it up with Bumpits
and get that salon-style look.

Flat to fabulous, instantly.

Imagine being able
to create today's...

No!

What's wrong?

What's going on?

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

Tree, are you okay?
Are you sick?

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, my God. Make it stop.
Make it stop.

Are you okay?
Get away from me.

All right.

Come on, just...

Stop global warming?

Oh.

Bottles of beer...

You take one down

61 bottles of beer on the wall.

Louder!

61 bottles of beer on the wall.

You take one down
Pass it around.

I can't hear you!

I'm sorry.

You forgot your stuff.

Keep going!

Help me.

Will you please stop staring at me

like I took a dump on your mom's head?

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to
wrap my brain around this.

How's that going for you?

Assuming that I believe any of
this is even remotely possible,

there has to be a reason
you're stuck in this day.

Okay? Out of all the days of your
life, what makes this day special?

What gives this day meaning?

Nothing.

Yeah, it's my birthday and now
you gotta pick up the phone.

It's your birthday?

Yeah.
Hello?

So? Birthdays are just excuses to, like,
eat cake and open presents and shit.

There's no real meaning
behind a birthday.

No, it's symbolic.

Okay? Whoever's killing you
knows it's your birthday.

All right, look.

Give me a list of names of everybody
who knows it's your birthday

and whoever is trying to kill you.

Well, thanks to my sorority,

pretty much the entire school
knows it's my birthday.

God, they're throwing me this
stupid surprise party tonight.

I mean, it literally
could be anyone.

I mean, who has motive?

Okay, maybe it's Danielle.

All right.

Apparently, I made out
with some guy she liked

right in front of her last night.

Huh.

Must have been before we met.

Busy night?

Okay, Mr. "I'm gonna take
this drunk girl home

and take advantage of her."

Don't judge.

For the record, I didn't take
advantage of you last night, okay?

I slept on Ryan's bed.

So, we didn't have...

No!

You were wasted last night.

You know, I was afraid
you were gonna fall

or choke on your own vomit
like Janis Joplin.

Uh, what were we...

Suspects.
Right. Suspects.

Um, okay, so Danielle.

Gregory. Um, his wife.

Creepy Tim.

Ooh! Um, that tiny girl from
T.J. Maxx that I got fired.

And maybe the Uber driver
that I spit on last week.

I think his name was...

What? Nobody's perfect.

Okay. This isn't helping.

This is pointless, isn't it?
All right, look.

The way I see it is you have
unlimited amount of lives.

So you have unlimited opportunities
to solve your own murder.

So I'm just supposed to keep dying

until I figure out who my killer is?

That's your genius plan?

Do you have a better idea?

Tim!

Oh! He's gay!

It's so exhausting.

Asshole!

You bitch!

I knew it was you!

Come here!

Get off of me!
I'm gonna kill you.

Oh, my God. Becky?

Becky!

Becky!

Becky!

Shut up!
Ow!

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta pick up...

Oh, hey, you're up-

I wasn't sure if you
wanted to sleep in...

Your plan totally sucks.

What?

I don't know if you
remember my name or not.

You know, you were
pretty wasted last night.

Um... But I'm Carter.

Are you okay?

Never better.

Are you sure you're okay?

I'm fine.

Dude! Did you hit
that fine vagina or...

What's up? Hey.

Um, I'm sorry to bother
you guys, uh...

How did it go?

I had to sleep in my car,
so he could finally get laid.

Carter, please,
a little help. Carter!

Tree.

Hey, hey, hey, calm down.
It's just me.

How you doing?

What happened?

You collapsed this morning.

What day is it?

It's Monday.

What's the date?

Uh, it's the 18th.

Oh, we've been trying to get
in contact with your parents,

but for some reason there's...

Jeez!
Can I help you?

Uh, I'm just checking on her.

It's okay. He's a friend.

Sorry.
Visiting hours are over.

Got it.

Thanks, Carter.

Feel better.

When can I get out of here?

I'm having a hard time
pulling your medical records.

Why?

We just got these back from imaging.

And these are signs of major trauma.

Given the severity of the scar tissue
and the size of the lesions...

This is gonna sound
crazy but, technically,

you should be dead.

Hey. Hey, hey!
What are you doing?

I need to get out of here.

No way. No, you need to
stay here for observation.

If I don't get out of here,
I'm gonna die.

Tree, Tree.
Listen to me.

You are absolutely safe here.

Okay.

I won't let anything
happen to you.

I'm really thirsty.
Could you get me a soda?

Sure.

Thank you.

Special delivery.

Keys, keys, keys.

Oh, Greg. Where are
the car keys? Come on!

Tree. Tree. It's okay.
It's okay. It's just me.

Gregory, look out!

Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.

I did it.

I did it! I did it!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Catch me now, bitch!

Whoo!

What?

Oh, no, no, no! Come on!

No!

Oh, shit!

Shit, shit, shit.

I know I was speeding,
officer. I just...

Turn off the engine, please.

Yes, officer.

License and registration.

I, um...

I don't have it.

Pardon me?
He's trying to kill me again.

Yes!
Again?

I mean, no.

He was trying before,
but this time I got away.

But I didn't have time
to grab my clothes,

and my driver's license
is in my pocket.

Ma'am, are you under
the influence of alcohol

or any other controlled substance?

No! That is what I'm trying to...

Wait.

If I am, does that mean that
you're going to arrest me

and lock me in a jail cell?

That's how it usually works.

I'm drunk.

You are?

Wasted. And I'm high.

You know, pills, weed.
You name it, man, I'm on it.

Uh... Well...

Then I'm gonna put you under arrest.

That's a good idea.

Let me help you.

Uh, all right.

Never been arrested before.
Uh-huh.

Thank you.

All units,

we got a 1-8-7 at University Hospital.
Suspect is...

Shit.

Oh, God, get me out.

Get me out, get me out!

What do you want?

Why are you doing this to me?

Who are you?

Show your face, you pussy!

Where are you going?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, hey, you're up-

Silence!

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

What, you've been here before?

Hey, you know, I don't think you
should be taking that many.

I mean, you could...
You could die.

If only it were that easy.

Water, por favor.
Come on.

There you go.

Dude! Did you hit that...

Hi.

I'm the so-called fine vagina.

And if that's the way
that you refer to girls,

you and your hand are going to
have a very lasting relationship.

Have a nice day.

What?

Are you...

You're always this
charming in the morning?

Mmm. Just this one.

So were you having
a bad dream or something?

Sorry?

You were just screaming
before you woke up.

Well, I was dying.

Again.

What?

Um, it's a long story.

Well, I've got time.

I'm not doing anything
today if you wanna...

Seriously, I hate this sticker.

Hey, wait.

Why are you following me?

I wanna hear your story.

Look, no offense,

but the last time I explained it
to you, it got me nowhere. So...

The last time?

Hey.

So you're having bad dreams.

I took an elective course on
neurocognition and dream content.

Hooray for you.

I'm just saying...

I might be able to help, you know?

Can you help me stop reliving
the same day over and over

only to be murdered by someone
I may or may not know?

Yep, thought so.

Stop global warming?
Mmm.

Wait, you literally think
you're reliving the same day?

Yep.

And somebody kills you.

Yep, again.

All right, come on.
You're just messing with me, right?

Sprinklers.

Oh.

Car alarm.

Now, see that pledge over there?
The one in the baseball hat?

He's going to fall right now.

Keep going!

Any questions?

- How are your fries? Mmm.
- Yeah, they're good.

That's impressive.
Mmm.

That was nothing.

Did you get it all out?

Whatever. You won't
remember it anyway.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

It's your birthday?

It's your dad. You wanna...
You wanna get that?

I was never close with my dad.

Can't even remember the last time
he called me on my birthday.

Kinda always forgets.

Yeah. I'm supposed to be with mine.

I don't know.

I couldn't bear the thought of sitting
through another uncomfortable celebration

while we both pretend
that everything is awesome.

Are you closer with your mom?

Was.

What happened?

Oh, she...

Yeah. Three years ago.

I'm sorry. That...

That... That sucks.

Yeah.

We actually shared
the same birthday, though.

Seriously? That's crazy.

Yeah, when I was a kid,

I always got to skip school.

We'd go to the beach.

My dad would buy us this,
like, huge birthday cake

and put just one candle on it.

We'd blow it out together.

I bet you miss her.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny.

You relive the same
day over and over again,

you kind of start to see
who you really are.

If my mom saw me now,
knew who I've become...

I don't think she'd be very proud.

Don't say that.

It's true.

I'm not a good person, Carter.

Maybe this is karma.
Maybe I deserve it.

Look, I don't know you
all that well,

but it's never
too late to change.

I mean, especially if what
you're saying is true.

Each new day, it's a chance
to be somebody better.

See, that's just it.

I don't think I have
that many chances left.

I keep on getting weaker
every time I come back.

Maybe I'm like that cat
with nine lives.

Eventually, I'm gonna run out.

Let's go live now
to Bayfield University Hospital

where Jennifer Tran has the latest
on this developing situation.

I'm standing outside the
Bayfield University Hospital

where suspected murderer, John Tombs,

is being treated for a gunshot wound...

Can you turn that up, please?

...that left one officer dead.

Tombs was the subject
of a nationwide manhunt

that ended after
a five-month pursuit

across four state lines...
What's going on? Tree?

...that left six female victims.

Authorities are still not sure if
Tombs is responsible for the murders...

Oh, my God.

...of more than
a dozen other victims

he's claimed to have buried across
the vast desert of Arizona.

He's been here the whole time.

What? Tree!

Hey...

Tree!

He's going to escape.
Call the police.

Who?
John Tombs.

Just call the police.
What?

Wait! Don't go in there!

Shit.

Excuse me.
What are you doing?

He has a gun!
He has a gun, run!

Come on.

Hey!

Carter!

Stop!

Stop it right now. Hey!

No.

No.

Carter!

There's nowhere to hide, little girl!

Carter.

If I don't reset this day,
he's gone forever.

You should've killed me
when you had the chance.

Come on. Olly, Olly, oxen free.

Hey!

See you soon, asshole.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

Oh-hey, you're up.

I wasn't sure if you wanted...

I can't believe you tried to save
my life. Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Yeah, no biggie.
I just brought you home.

Uh, I don't know
if you remember my name.

Carter.

Yeah.

You... I...
Oh!

Do you mind if I borrow this?

Uh...

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

See you at lunch.

Dude! Did you hit
that fine vagina or what?

You naughty, naughty boy!

Fine vagina out!

What just happened?

Hey! Stop global warming?

Sure.

You save that planet, girl.

Yo! Sprinklers about to go on.

You're welcome.

26 hours, that's all you got?

I can't hear you!

You take one down
Pass it around

62 bottles of beer on the wall.

Oh, Tim.
I know you're back there.

Hi, Tim.

Hey.
Hi.

Uh, you haven't returned
any of my texts.

Look, Tim. Let's get real.
I know you don't like girls.

Stop trying to be someone you're not.

Love is love, right?

Now you go out there and get
yourself a fine piece of man ass.

Good morning.

Oh, my God!

You sneaky little beeyotch!

His name's Carter.

No, we did not have sex.

But if I finally make it
through this day somehow...

I'm gonna have his babies.

Lots to do, got to go.

She finally rolls in.

What's wrong? Ugh.

Oh, nothing.
I was...

Look, Lori...

I have been the worst roommate.

You've always been there for me,

but I've been way too selfish
to even appreciate it.

Can we start over?

I promise not to be such a loser.

Are you high?

On life.

Oh! By the way, I wanna hear
about this mystery guy.

When extreme agitation occurs
locomotive response in the subject

shows an acceleration across...

Dr. Butler.

Can I have a word, please?

What the hell do...

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

I'm ending this.

Wait. What?

I never should have
started seeing you.

It was wrong.

And I...

Anyway, I can't change
what I've done,

but I can start trying
to be a better person today.

What lame little self-help
book did you get that from?

You know what? You have a
wife who loves you so much.

So if you can't be faithful to her,

at least have the balls to leave.

Don't expect me to let you
coast by my class now.

Already dropped it.

I just have to say how totally
sad and disappointing it is

when certain people
can't be bothered

to make it to a mandatory
house meeting.

We were supposed to be picking
this year's charity.

Becky.

Is that chocolate milk I see?

I skipped breakfast.
Ah!

Mmm. Mmm!

Oh, my God.
That is so good.

What's up with the fat fest?

We're Kappas.

Come on, hon.
Live a little.

Few calories won't kill ya.

No.

It'll just turn me into a chunker.

Like Becky here.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

You'll be okay.

Hey, Tree.

Hey.

Just, uh, coming by to...

What was that for?

I have to run, but what are
you doing later tonight?

Nothing.

Do you wanna take me
out for my birthday?

What's the punch line?

Look, I know it's really random,

but I promise I'll explain
everything tomorrow.

Assuming there is one.

Just say yes.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

Excuse me.

Can I pay for my coffee, please?

You're not gonna eat?
No, just the check. Please.

I'll be right back.

Hi, Daddy.
Sorry I'm late.

I like your tie.

Thanks.

How's school?

Fine.

You like your classes?

They're fine, Dad.

I don't wanna do that anymore.

Do what?

Small talk.

It's just that this day...

This day is really hard for me.

And, um...

I miss Mom.

You know, I miss her so much.

I miss the way that she smells.

I miss that crazy
horse laugh she had.

Yeah. Me, too.

And I...

I guess I thought that
if I avoided all of it,

if I avoided you, that
somehow it would be easier,

but it's not.

It's been so much worse.

All of this running and hiding
has made me so miserable.

And I think I finally figured it out.

I mean, it took
something totally crazy

but I'm here.

And I love you.

And I'm so, so sorry
that I hurt you.

Happy birthday, baby.

Stay calm.

I need you to stand up, slowly.

Slowly.

Okay, good.

Okay, this is a really bad idea.

So is dying for the 16th time.

Okay.

Now, turn around.

I need you to listen to me.

He's going to escape.

We can talk about this.
Just put the gun down.

He's going to escape.
Go get help.

Go!

Okay.

I know you're not asleep.

Open your eyes.

Safety's on, little girl.

Ah-ah.

Look what we have here.

Hmm?

You know...

A real nice surprise, you
coming to visit me like this.

I like you.

Damn shame.

But you're a feisty
little shit, ain't you?

That's right.
Crawl, little girl, crawl.

Don't worry.

I'll just make this one
real quick for you, okay?

Hey!

Safety's off.

Thanks for the tip.

Who took my hair dryer?

So this has got to be, like, the
strangest birthday you've ever had, huh?

You have no idea.

Did you ever figure out
how Tombs got free?

No. No one knows.

It's kinda like Houdini.

Yeah. I guess.

What are you gonna wish for?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

But isn't that kind of a given?

Wanna aim for anything higher?

No.

Tomorrow is good enough for me.

Shut up!

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

Oh. Hey, you're up-

Carter?

Yeah. I'm surprised you remember my name.
You were pretty wasted last night.

This can't be happening.
This can't be happening.

What?
I killed him!

I solved it!

Who? What are you talking about?

What's going on?

I mean, look, you were probably

just having a bad dream or something.

That happens to me all the time

when I'm drinking, you know, I...

Nice one. Dickhead.

She finally rolls in.

Going somewhere?
Yes.

As far away as possible.

Tree, what's wrong?

Me.

I was wrong.

I thought that if I stopped
running that I could beat it.

But it's never gonna stop.

Tree, you're freaking me out.

Oh well, that's me, a freak.

Tree.

Tree, look.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, but I already
ate it last night.

Oh, my God.

I died in my sleep.

What?

You killed me.

What?

You poisoned it.

But I never ate it before.

So you had to find another way.

Then Tombs fell right into your lap.

The perfect scapegoat.

You had access to him.

Did you drug him first?

You knew that if he escaped everyone
would assume that he killed me.

But it was always you.

Tree, is this a joke?

You think I would actually try to
poison you with a freaking cupcake?

Er...

Okay, then.

Prove it.

Go on, Lori.

Take a bite.

Go on, Lori.

You really are crazy.

Okay, then... I'll take
it down to the police.

I'm sure they can tell us what your
little birthday treat is made of.

You stupid little whore.

I know I've been a bad roommate,
but isn't this a bit much?

What the hell?

Oh, I don't know,

maybe because you wouldn't
stop sleeping with him.

But...

Gregory?

But he just kept
choosing you over me.

Guess all he wanted was
a cheap slut like you.

Wait.

You've been killing me
over some stupid guy?

Oh, that's not
the only reason.

You're a dumb bitch, too!

But what I really wanna know is...

...how did you figure it out?

Because you've killed me before.

Then I guess I'm just gonna
have to do it again.

Stop! Bitch!

No!

What the hell's going on in there?

Nothing. Tree just fell.
Everything's fine.

Whatever, clumsy hoes.

I better see you
at the meeting today.

We'll be there.

Eat it, bitch!

What are you losers doing in there?

Lori ate my cupcake.

I just knew there was
something wrong with Lori.

She never wore makeup,
never posted any cute selfies

and she literally
owned a pair of Crocs.

All the signs of
a psycho killer with...

Hello! I'm trying to
get interviewed here.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
She is such a tool.

Anyhoo...

Lori's little plot was super lame-
Poisoning a cupcake, really?

We're Kappas.

We don't eat cupcakes.

Is this local or national?

Local.

- Hey, Dad.
- Are you okay?

Are you hurt?
Dad, no. Dad, I'm fine.

I promise.

You sure?
Yeah.

Just a little scratched up.

All right.
Okay. I'll see you soon.

I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.

So now that your bedroom is
officially a crime scene and all,

where do you plan
on crashing tonight?

Is that an invitation?

You sure you want to wake up
in a dorm room again?

Only if it's yours.

I mean, of course you'll
have to sleep in Ryan's bed.

Of course.
Yeah.

We can... Yeah.

Oh! Uh...

Almost forgot.

You left this little guy.

Thanks.

You know what your little
scenario reminds me of?

What?

What's that?

Groundhog Day.
The meme, Groundhog Day?

I don't know.

With Bill Murray?

Who's Bill Murray?

Are you kidding me?
Ghostbusters.

Sorry. I...

How...
I don't know.

How do you sleep at night?
You've never seen Groundhog Day?

No.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

And now you gotta
pick up the phone.

Oh. Hey, you're up-

I wasn't sure if you wanted
to, uh, sleep in or not.

I'm kidding.
It was... It was me.

I just called your phone.

What?

It's Tuesday, the 19th.
You made it.

Oh, my God.
You are such a jerk!

I'm gonna kill you.
Hey, that's enough.

What is wrong with you?

That was not funny.
You are such a punk.

I hate you.

She's back?
Out.

I'm not sleeping in my car again.

It smells like Hot Pockets and feet.

Get out.
I just want clean underwear.