Happy Anniversary and Goodbye (1974) - full transcript

[music playing]

- (HUMMING IN OPEATIC VOICE) Hey, dilly, dilly, lump, pah,

pah, da, bah.

Dee lit dilly, lit, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, la, da, dee.

La da dee.

La, da, da, la, da, dee. Ah.

La, da, da, da, da.

La, da, da, da. La, da, da, da.

La, da, da, da.

Oh, promise me.



Da dump, bah, bah da dee.

Doo, doo, doo, doo.

Ah, upda.

Rump da, da, dum.

Doo, doo, dilly dee dump dee.

- The Lucille Ball Special is brought to you by Timex.

Timex watches are made to wear with confidence and style

to wear with pride.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Fiddle, diddle, dee.

Oh, promise me that someday you and I, out-of-hospital.

We'll take our love together to some sky.

Bump, bump, doo wah, doo wah.

[doorbell rings]



Who could that be at 4 o'clock in the morning?

[door bell rings]

- Oh.

- Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

- I'm sorry, Norma, I'm sorry.

- Malcolm.

- I hate it when you call me.

- It's your name, isn't it?

- No, my name is Malcolm.

Not Maaal-cooolm.

- Don't you think you've had enough?

- Norma, it isn't every day that a man gives his only daughter

away in marriage.

- Well, Linda happens to be my daughter, too.

And I didn't make a fool of myself at the wedding.

- Oh, I suppose I did?

- Yes.

- How?

- Well, for one thing by dancing cheek

to cheek with the bridegroom.

- I was just trying to loosen things up a little bit.

I didn't want it to be one of those stiff, formal affairs.

- I suppose that's why you picked the Montezuma Motor

Lodge, el cheapo.

- There's nothing cheapo about the Guacamole Room.

- If I live to be 100, I will never

forget Mendelssohn's Wedding March

played by a Mariachi band.

- Norma, may I remind you that that wedding cost me $2,000?

Do you realize how many cavities I've

got to fill to make that much?

- Leave it to you to pick the only motel in town

where the guests are afraid to drink the water.

- Oh, let's drop it, huh, Norma?

Let's just let one night go by without a fight.

- Well, it'll be about, ah, the first night in 25 years.

- Well, I don't start them.

- I suppose I do?

- Come on.

Let's not have a fight about who starts the fights.

- Would you mind hanging up your clothes just for once?

- I'm taking the tuxedo back in the morning.

It's rented.

- It looked it.

- Oh, no, I'm going to buy a $200

gown that I'll never wear again.

- Big deal, big deal.

It was my one extravagance for the year.

- Oh, don't give me that.

You do your bit for the economy.

I see the delivery trucks lined up in the driveway bumper

to bumper.

- All right, now the truth can be told.

Among my friends I'm known as the Jackie

Onassis of Canoga Park.

- You can joke about it, Norma.

But I'm the one who has to pay the bill.

- Oh excuse, Ari.

- Ah, agh.

If I ever get in a street fight, I want you on my side.

Why don't you go back to the roller derby?

You gonna be in the main event in the Garden next week?

You'll nail'em with one punch.

You spending the night in there?

What are you trying to do, turn me on?

- If you're trying to start a fight about our sex life,

it'll be over in about 30 seconds.

- I gather that's a complaint?

- Well, let's just say we're not on the same frequency.

- Well, Norma, I just read the results

of a survey that said the average man my age has

sex 3.2 times a month.

- Well, I don't know about the three,

all I remember is the point two.

- You never let anything go by without a zing, do you Norma?

Zing, zing here, zing, zing here.

Here a zing, there a zing.

Everywhere a zing, zing.

- If I'm so terrible, why do you stay married to Me

- I could ask you the same question.

- Well, if you don't want the nitty gritty truth,

it's because of Linda.

I didn't want her to grow up in a broken home.

- Maybe she'd been better off. - Why?

Did she turn out so bad?

- Fortunately not. - Yeah.

- But did i-- did it ever occur to you that you got married

at 19 just to get out of the house?

- That is not true.

- Face it, Norma.

You drove my daughter into the arms of a [inaudible]..

- And you're the perfect person.

- I do my best.

That's all I know.

- Ha.

- You've got it rough, haven't you Norma?

Boy, have you got it rough living

in a beautiful house like this with a maid to take care of it

while you sit around on your fat duff complaining.

- Fat duff?

Well, listen to el cheapo.

First of all, the maid is a 70-year-old cleaning woman

who comes in once a week.

And this mansion that I sit in all day

is the only house in the valley without air conditioning.

- Just what I need, air conditioning

with my sinus condition.

- It's like living in a seven-room sauna.

- If it gets too hot for you, you can always go swimming.

- I haven't got the strength to blow up that plastic pool.

- With your mouth, you could blow up the Goodyear blimp.

- That's a cheap shot.

- Come on, Norma, come on will ya?

I'm gettin' those pains again. Gotta take a pill.

- Oh, gotta take a pill.

Gotta take a pill.

Sure, always gotta take a pill.

That's the answer to everything, isn't it?

Take a pill.

Boy, I'm sick and tired of your stomach

and your sinus condition, your post nasal drip,

your headaches, and your irregularity.

[loud belching]

[hacking and coughing]

[small belch]

- I don't expect any sympathy.

- Believe me, I ran out of sympathy years ago.

This is not a bedroom.

It's an intensive care unit.

- Well, you won't have to put up with it any longer.

Because I have had it.

I have finally had it.

- Don't threaten me.

- Oh, it's not a threat this time.

I'm getting outta here.

I'm leavin'.

- Well, good.

- With Linda married, there's absolutely

no reason at all why I had to put up with this torture.

- At last we agree on something.

- After 25 years, I've finally had

enough of your yakkety, yakkety, yakkety, yak.

- And I suppose you think I'll miss your whining

and gargling and belching?

- I'm going to be free at last, free at last.

No more orders.

No more pushing around.

No more cruel and inhuman punishment.

I feel like I'm escaping from Devil's Island.

- Where shall I send the moving van with your pills?

- I'll be at the Parkhurst Hotel.

- Why don't you stay at the Crestview, it's cheaper.

- Why don't you mind your own business?

Wait, the I --

- Now what?

- I forgot my electric toothbrush.

- Oh, Malcolm?

- What?

- Don't forget to cancel the, ah,

reservations for our 25th anniversary party.

- Why don't you do it?

You're on the phone eight hours a day anyway.

- OK, I'll do it while I'm sitting around on my fat duff.

Oh, Malcolm?

- Now what is it?

- Happy anniversary.

- Ah, jeez.

[music playing]

[door bell rings]

[music playing]

[door bell rings]

[music playing]

- Oh, hello Fay.

- Hey, hey, hey, you did it.

You did it.

You did it, oh.

So, congratulations honey.

I got here as soon as I could.

How do you feel?

- Not so great. - Why?

You should be jumping for joy.

This is independence day, Bastille Day, Cinco de Mayo

all rolled into one.

- Would you like some coffee?

- Swell.

- Well, how'd you like the wedding?

- It was a lovely ceremony.

- Didn't Linda look beautiful?

- Oh, she looked gorgeous.

Oh, but that Montezuma place is not to be believed.

- Hm, it belongs to one of Malcolm's patients.

Need I say more?

- You know that's the first time I've ever seen a Presbyterian

minister wearing a sombrero.

Hey, tell me, has he called yet?

- Malcolm?

- Mm-mm.

- No.

- Mm, good.

Take the phone off the hook and change the locks on the doors.

- Oh, Fay, I couldn't do that.

- Norma, listen to me.

I've been through this four times already.

Honey, when it's over it's over.

You've got to be strong.

If you weaken now, you're going to him

around your neck for another 25 years.

- Well, now maybe I was partially to blame.

- Don't you say that.

You've been a saint, an absolute saint.

- I have, haven't I?

- I don't know any woman who could

have taken what you've taken.

And speaking of taking, have you got a lawyer?

- A lawyer?

I haven't even thought about it.

- Well, there's only one lawyer in town

as far as I'm concerned.

He's handled all four of my divorces.

- You mean Ed?

- Mm-hm. Who else?

Mad Dog Murphy goes right for the husband's throat.

- Oh, Fay, I--

I don't want to do anything vindictive.

- Honey, you don't have to do anything.

All you do is call Ed and say sick'im.

- Well, you know I'm not really sure this is final.

- Norma, Norma, Norma, all I know

is what you've been telling me for years.

You've never really been happy with Malcolm.

It's not like you're losing Robert Redford.

- Well, it's not what I'm losing.

But what am I gaining?

- Freedom.

- Freedom?

What good is that at my age?

I'm 45.

47?

Ah, whatever.

I'm not a kid anymore.

- All the more reason to act quickly.

And I'll tell you this, there are a lot of men out there

who'll appreciate a mature, liberated woman.

- Well, I'm mature all right.

My figure is shot.

The face is going.

My eyes are getting worse.

All Malcolm left me is a great set of gums.

- Well, don't worry about it.

We'll whip you into shape in no time.

And then you can start a whole new life.

- Well, what about Malcolm?

You know, last night was the first time

he ever slept away from home.

And he's not a well man.

He really isn't.

He's lost without me.

Maybe I should call his office and see if he's all right.

- Don't do it, Norma.

I guarantee you right now, he's making a date

with some 23-year-old chick.

[music playing]

- Mrs. Foster, I'll see you again in two weeks.

- I'm too weak for what?

- No, no, your next appointment is in two weeks.

- Oh, thank you, doctor.

- Watch that, ah, there we go.

- Thank you.

- Good, good.

- Oh, Mrs. Foster.

Have a nice day.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hey, big guy.

Big guy, how's it going, huh?

- Oh, all right, Greg.

I-- I guess I'm just a little depressed, that's all.

- Oh really? Why?

- Well, you just don't turn your back that 25 years of marriage.

- Well, all I know is what you've been telling me.

You won't ever married.

You were under house arrest.

- Oh, come on, come on, Greg.

Norma isn't that bad.

She just lashes out at me now and then because she's

basically insecure.

- So was Attila the Hun.

- Well, let's face it, Greg, she's

the only woman I've ever known.

- Hey, buddy boy, we'll fix that.

Listen, you only go around once in life.

You gotta grab everything you can.

- Oh, what do I know about that?

I'm a middle-aged dentist.

- There are plenty of shapely young things

out there with crooked teeth who will find you irresistible.

- They're your patients.

I get the Polident crowd.

- Excuse me.

Dr. Carter, Ms. Gordon is waiting.

- Thank you, dear.

Tell her I'll be right there.

Well, pally pal, this is your opportunity

to see how the other half of the office lives.

- Come on, Greg, don't rush me.

The body isn't even cold yet.

- If we are both talking about the same body,

it's been cold for about 25 years.

Come on. I want you to meet ah Choo Choo.

- Choo Choo?

- Choo Choo.

- Oh, wait, wait. - No, no.

Hey sweetheart.

How are you doing Choo Choo?

- Hi Greg.

- I'd like you to meet my associate, Dr. Michaels.

- Well hi there.

- Oh, hungh hm.

- I ah--

I wanted Dr. Michaels to have a look at you.

Never hurts to get another opinion.

- For a cleaning?

- Well, guy, she's all yours.

- Ha, ha, heh.

Just lie down now.

Now, just be nervous.

Don't relax.

Leave it there.

The cat will get it.

[chime]

- Take it from me, Norma, you'll never regret this.

That penny pinching schnook turns you

into a frustrated drudge.

Well, now there's a whole new exciting world just waiting

for you.

- It's too late.

- Will you stop stuffing yourself?

Do you realize it's the third sweet roll you've had?

- Fifth.

I had two before you came in.

- Drop that.

Drop that.

Let go of that.

As of this moment, you're on a diet.

Do you realize that you're just using

food as a substitute for love and affection and--

and--

- And what?

- Sex.

Drop that.

Drop it.

Now, you're not only going on a diet,

you're going to go to a gym and get rid of that flab.

And-- and you're going to go to a different hairdresser

and change that tacky hairdo.

And then you're going to shop for a whole new wardrobe.

Norma, you'll be a different woman.

And you can start living out your fantasies.

- What fantasies?

- Oh, come on now.

Don't tell me you've never thought about another man.

- Well, maybe Paul Newman.

- Oh, Paul Newman.

I'm talking about real-life fantasies.

Just yesterday at the car wash, there

was this great big red-headed fella,

stripped to the waist, muscles glistening

with sweat as he buffed my car.

- He stripped to the waist to buff your car?

Oh, better get back to work.

Listen, I-- I'll call you later.

I'll arrange for Rico to be here at 5:30.

- Who's Rico?

- Who's Rico?

Just the world's greatest masseur.

I call him magic fingers.

- Magic fingers?

He's good, huh?

- You remember Phyllis.

- Phyllis?

- The blonde with a pretty face and the fat duff.

Well, anyway, Rico worked on her for two weeks.

And she went from a size 16 down to 12.

- All from massage?

- She also gave up eating and sitting.

- Oh.

Well, I don't know.

I've never had a massage in my life.

- You're kidding?

- Well, once in a while Malcolm would massage my neck.

But as usual, he rubbed me the wrong way.

[door bell rings]

- I am Rico.

- Oh, ye-- yes.

Well, won't you co-- oh, you are in.

- Where we do it?

- What?

- Here or in the bedroom?

- Oh, oh, here, here, here, here.

- I set up table.

- You need any help?

- Si.

Take off your clothes.

- All of them?

- Put on this.

- How'd do you know my size?

- Excusi?

- Ah, heh, I'll be right out.

I'll be right out.

- Hey, who are you?

- I'm Rico.

- What are you doing here?

- I have appointment with Mrs. Mikkels.

- Where Mrs. Mikkels?

- In the bedroom taking off her clothes.

- Oh, she is, is she?

[knocking]

- Norma, Norma.

- Well, what are you doing here?

- I came to pick up the rest of my clothes.

What are you doing here?

- I live here, remember.

And I'm about to have a massage.

- You must be out of your mind letting a stranger

in the house like this.

What do you know about this guy?

- Fay recommended him. - Oh, Fay huh?

- Yes.

- All the more reason to be careful.

He could be another Jack the Ripper.

- Oh, come on.

- You know, they just don't attack young women.

I read it in the paper the other day about this 80-year-old

woman--

- Malcolm, would you get your clothes and get out?

- No, not before I find out a few things.

- You want me on the table, Rico?

- Prego.

- I'm sorry about the interruption.

- I'm used to it.

- Mm.

Ugh.

- Ah.

Hey, where you from, fella?

- Rome, Italy.

- What do you do there?

- I was a truck driver.

- Where'd you learn how to give a massage?

- In Rome every man knows how to give a massage.

- Do you have a license?

- Of course.

It's impossible to drive a truck without a license.

- No, no, no, that not what I mean.

- Malcolm, if you're so worried, you can stay and watch.

- Oh, no, no, I may be broadminded.

But I'm not kinky.

- Lie on stomach, please.

- On my stomach?

Oh, ah, oh.

Oh, thank you.

Ugh, agh.

Uh.

Oh.

Ah.

- No, no, you must relax Mrs. Mikkels.

More.

More. - Yeah.

- Still more.

- Yeah.

- Good. Now we begin.

- Yeah. Ah ha.

- Now you must relax. - Yeah.

- You're too tense. - Yeah.

- This is your first massage?

- Yeah, so please be gentle.

- The neck and the shoulders are where the tension is.

- Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, well that feels better already.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

- Get out the way, come on.

Just one more thing, what's good for the goose

is good for the gander.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I'll tell you what it's supposed to mean.

I'm moving in with Greg in a swinging single's building

where it's fun and games day and night.

- Hm, hm, well, you'll put a stop to that.

- There's a coed sauna.

- Ha.

You'll be a big hit in your polka dot shorts.

- OK, I guess there's nothing else

to say, Norma, except I wish you a lot of luck.

- Thank you.

- Norma, by the way, have you heard from our daughter, Linda?

- Well, not many people call their mothers

while they're on their honeymoon.

You were the only one I know who did.

- Well, so long, Norma.

- Ah, oh, that feels good.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

- I just wish I had a picture of this.

It'd cut my alimony in half.

Well, lot's of luck, Norma.

Or as they say in your new life, arrivederci.

Y too brute.

I'm leaving now, Norma.

- Ah.

- Just remember, one more thing, if I had two birds in my hand,

it isn't in the bushes.

All right, Norma.

No, no, don't get up. I can answer the door.

I can answer the door.

There's nobody ringing the doorbell.

I can leave, helping myself.

Norma, I'm leaving the keys here where I always leave them.

I'm practically gone, Norma.

Taxi.

I'm still here, Norma.

Goodbye Norma.

[music playing]

- Hey, isn't this great, Mal?

Can't you feel that blood pumping in the old veins?

- Yeah, ah great.

- You know, I do this every day at least five miles.

Oh yeah, rain or shine.

- Is that so? - Oh, yeah.

There's nothing like it to keep in shape.

Hey, a couple of weeks of this and, ha, you'll

feel 20 years younger.

- Oh.

- Hi. Hey ya Terry.

- Hiya Greg.

- Terry, this is a Mal Michaels.

- Hi Mal.

- Oh.

- Mal just split from his wife.

- Well, congratulations.

- Ah, yeah.

- See ya, Greg.

- Ah, see ya, Terry.

Try and stay loose, Mal.

Take deep breaths like this.

Mal.

Mal.

- Oh, ah.

- Are you OK, big guy?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

I'm just taking a break, that's all.

- Hey, I'm sorry fella.

I-- I didn't know you were so out of shape.

- Oh, ho, how far have we gone?

- About 150 yards.

- Oh, there's no use in overdoing it the first day.

- You sure you're OK?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say, I got an idea Greg.

Why don't you finish jogging, do to the apartment,

get dressed, and then ah come pick me up.

- Swell, where will you be?

- Oh, I'll be right here.

Ooh.

[chime]

- Oh, ah, ah.

Oh, boy.

Ah.

Ag.

Ah, ah.

- OK, over here.

- What?

Oh.

Oh. - Up here.

- Up here. Up here.

- Hold on. - You bet.

- Now walk. - Walk.

OK.

Whew.

Walk.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?

- Same as I did last night, nothing.

Why?

- Oh, Dough's taking me to a new restaurant.

Do you want to join us?

- Oh, no thanks.

I'm not eating much these days.

- How much weight have you lost so far?

- Six pounds in seven days.

It's that high protein diet with the eight glasses of water.

- Well, no diet is any good unless you exercise too.

- You drink eight glasses of water a day,

you get plenty of exercise.

- Come on, keep going.

Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

- Oh.

[music playing]

- Climb on. - Oh.

OK.

Oh.

- Put your feet in.

- Mm.

- There you go. - Oh.

Wait.

Why couldn't you warn me before you started this thing, sneaky?

How come you're not doing any of this stuff?

- Because I weigh 115 pounds.

- Well, I used to weigh a 115.

- When you were single?

- When I was seven.

[chime] - Sit down.

- Oh, thank you.

- Just put your feet up.

- Oh.

Ah.

- Take hold of the handles.

- What handles?

Here Here.

And the other one.

Now row.

- Ah.

[music playing]

- Hi, did you miss me?

- You better believe it.

Oh, now then, Terry, how long have you

been living in Greg's building?

- About a month.

I moved in with my friend Sharon.

- Oh, oh, oh, yeah, Sharon, the tall blond with the overbite.

I once did a paper entitled, Overbite, Cause, and Effect

Read it at a dental convention in Denver in 1964.

- You dentists certainly live exciting lives.

- Well, ah, It is a fascinating branch of medicine.

Unfortunately, we don't get our share of recognition.

The Jonas Salk's grab all the headlines.

See we in the dental ga-a-ame--

- Mal?

Malcolm Michaels, of all people.

I didn't recognize you. - Hello Fay.

- Oh, what are you doing here?

Was there a fire at Jack in the Box?

- Oh, always-- always joking, eh, Fay?

That's Fay, a joker.

Ah, Fay, I'd like to have you meet Terry Tyler.

- Hello.

- Hello little girl.

- Terry lives in Greg's building.

- Oh.

- That's where we met.

How is ah-- how's Norma.

- Oh, busy, busy, busy, you know,

shopping, meeting with her lawyer, dating.

Well, ah, give her my regards.

- Oh, I will.

Ah, don't keep her out too late, Malcolm.

Bye little girl.

- Bye.

- Oh, and ah, by the way, Malcolm,

you're losing your hair.

It's running down your forehead.

- Shoo.

Ee, ee, go.

[music playing]

[whistles]

[music playing]

[phone rings]

- Hello.

Oh it's, you Fay.

What?

Las Vegas this weekend?

Oh, sounds great.

The four of us?

Oh, now wait a second.

Look, Fay, Ed's a very good lawyer and a nice man.

But give me one good reason why I should go away

on a weekend with him?

Just what I needed, Fay, an obscene phone call.

Look, I am a respectable lady with a good reputation.

So I'm going to give you the same answer I would give Ed.

Maybe.

[chime]

- Mom, I can't get over how you've changed, Your hair

and you've change your makeup. - Yeah, like it?

- Love it. And all that weight you've lost.

- Twenty-five pounds.

- Oh, you look terrific. - Thank you, darling.

But I want to hear more about you.

- I've saved the best news for last.

- What's that?

- You're going to be a grandmother.

- Oh, Linda, how wonderful.

- Some time in May.

- Oh, ho, oh, that-- that's just terrific, a premature baby.

- Mom, Spencer and I are very much in love.

We didn't get married just because I was pregnant.

- Well, I'm glad it-- of that at least.

Speaking of news, how do you feel about your father and me?

- Oh, I think it's great.

- Oh?

- I think you'll both be happier.

You are, aren't you?

- Well, in a strange way, yes.

- And I spoke to dad.

And he said he was much happier.

- He's lying.

- Mom, let me say something once and for all.

I love you both.

I don't want to have to take sides.

- And I don't want you to have to, darling.

- Good.

Oh, I've got to run. The painters are coming.

- Oh, when am I going to see you again?

- Come to dinner Friday night.

- Oh, oh, oh, I--

I think I'm going to Las Vegas Friday.

- Great.

You and Fay?

- Ah, yes.

- Oh, mom, you mad calf.

- Well, now Fay's going to be there too.

It's sort of a foursome. - Who is he?

- Ah, my lawyer, Ed Murphy.

- Isn't that Fay's lawyer, Mad Dog Murphy?

- The same.

- Are you having an affair with him?

- I'll let you know on Monday.

- Well, have a great time in Vegas.

- Thank you, darling.

- Oh, and don't forget to take the pill.

- Ah.

Look who's talking. Get out of here.

[music playing]

- Hey, slow down, Mal.

We got two miles to go.

Let's walk a while.

- All right, all right.

That's the trouble your kids today, you're too soft.

Ha.

- You feel like a new man, don't ya?

- Oh, it's been over two weeks since I used my vaporizer?

And my nasal passages feel groovy.

Hey, here comes the action.

- HI Mal.

How's it going?

- See you at 7, Cindy baby?

- What about me?

- Let's make it an 8:30 scene.

[excited screams]

- Heh, you're really having a ball, aren't ya?

- Ah, you bet big fella.

But you know something, Ace? - What?

- I do feel a little guilty about one thing.

- Oh really, what's that?

- Ah, I keep thinking about poor lonely old Norma sitting

in Canoga Park drowning her sorrow in sweet rolls.

She's going to blow up like a balloon.

Wheesh.

[music playing]

- Here we are, Caesar's Palace.

How do you like it?

- It's very nice.

- You know, there's something about Vegas

that really gets to me.

There's an excitement in the area.

You feel it? - A little bit, yeah.

- Last time I was here, I didn't close my eyes for 48 hours.

It was go, go, go.

- Why don't you two girls stay right here while Ed

and I check in.

- Be right back, hon.

- Huh?

Well?

- I should never have said I'd come.

I'm a nervous wreck.

- Oh, for heaven's sake, Norma.

Come on, will you relax?

- You know, Fay, I have never stayed in a hotel with a man

before.

It's always been Malcolm.

- Did you take the tranquilizer I gave you?

- Of course, otherwise I would have jumped out of the plane.

- You'll see.

It's going to be all right.

- All right for you, you're are an old pro at this.

- I take exception to the words old and pro.

- Oh, Fay, I'm sorry.

Now, I didn't mean it that way.

- We're all set, girls.

- We got two adjoining rooms on the 15th floor

overlooking the pool.

- Oh, good.

- Sounds swell.

- Look, why don't you gals change for dinner?

- Yeah, we'll go warm up the dice.

- Oh. - Oh, honey.

I almost forgot the best part.

These rooms have water beds.

[voice on intercom]

- Just what I need, a water bed.

- What's the matter with that?

- I'm on the wrong pill.

I should have taken Dramamine.

[MUSIC PLAYING AND GAMBLING CHATTER]

- We won.

I'm sorry.

[music playing]

- What do you want this time?

Done.

- Ha.

[music playing]

- Ah, black jack.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Ah ha.

What a night.

Isn't this town great?

- Yeah it sure is.

But I ah--

I'm exhausted.

It ah-- it must be--

it's very late.

- And I say, the night is young and you're so beautiful.

- Oh, oh, Ed, stop, please, please.

Ah. - I think I'll take a shower.

- Yeah, you do that, a nice cold shower.

Ah.

- Norma?

- Yes?

- You going to have a shower?

- Well, I might.

- I know how we can save water.

- No, you go ahead. - Just trying to be patriotic.

- Yeah.

[knocking]

- Fay?

Fay are you there?

Fay?

- Yes, Norma?

- Oh, where's Doug? - Taking a shower.

- So is mine.

What does that mean?

- What did it mean when Malcolm took a shower?

- Well, it meant we'd turn the thermostat up

to about 90 degrees until his hair dried.

- You're hopeless.

- Listen, Fay, I've got an idea.

Why don't they share a room.

And you and I--

- No way.

- Oh, well, maybe you better give me another tranquilizer.

- I'm all out of tranquilizers and patience.

Good night.

- Listen, Fay, now listen.

I've made up my mind.

I know I'm a grown woman.

I know I'm-- I'm liberated.

But I still can't go through with it.

Maybe it's the 25 years I spent with Malcolm.

Maybe it's 25 years of my mother saying,

all they want is one thing.

Whatever it is, that's the way I am.

- You all through?

- Yes.

- Good. Get undressed.

- Ah, Fay.

Fay. Fay.

- Norma?

- Yes.

- Oh, there you are.

Boy, that shower felt great.

- Yeah, I--I think I'll take a nice long hot bath.

Now, you don't have to wait up for me if you're tired.

- I'll show you who's tired.

Oh, boy.

And I thought the dice were cold.

What's the matter?

- Now, look, Ed.

You're a great guy, really.

You're a swell person.

But you just had to give me time.

- It's 4:30 already. - Yeah, I know.

But I'm very sleepy. - I'll send for black coffee.

- And I have a splitting headache.

- I've got a bottle of aspirin.

- Oh, I'm allergic to aspirin.

- Come here, silly.

- Oh, no, no Ed, no, no, no, Ed please.

Ed please.

- You're not getting away from me.

- Oh, no Ed.

Please.

Ed, Ed.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy, Ed.

- Oh, ah, ha, ha, ha.

Aha.

- No.

Oh, no.

[music playing]

- Look, Fay, I don't want to hear another word about what I

did or didn't do in Las Vegas.

I'm sick of the whole thing.

Please forget it.

- OK.

- Where is Malcolm?

I want to get this meeting over with.

- He'll be here soon enough.

- I'll bet he's been circling the block for an hour looking

for a parking meter with time left on it.

- Have you got your notes on the property settlement?

- Right here in my bag.

- Good.

Now remember, be cool and calm.

Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for him.

And don't lose your temper.

- Don't worry, I'll avoid a fight.

I'll ask for separate checks.

- Well, I'm going to go, dear.

Now be sure to call me later.

- Yeah, I will.

- OK.

- Bye.

[music playing]

[piano music]

- You see her anywhere?

- No, no.

Maybe she's sitting in the back somewhere.

Boy, this is awkward.

- Why?

- I haven't seen her in a month.

- Well, no matter how bitter or angry she gets,

don't you blow your cool. - I won't.

I won't.

- You got the property settlement?

- Yeah, I--

I got the property settlement, I--

I got everything I need except a whip and a chair.

- I'll be in the bar.

Good luck, pally.

- OK.

[music playing]

- Malcolm?

- Well, I'll be damned.

I didn't recognize you.

- You know, you've changed too.

- I love your hair.

- Oh, thank you.

Yours isn't bad either.

- Thank you.

Yeah, I-- I have made some changes top and bottom.

- You know, I like your suit too.

- Thank you. Thank you.

And it's all mine, not rented.

- Care for a drink, sir?

- Ah, scotch on the rocks, twist of lemon.

Norma? - The same.

- Right.

- I can't get over the way you look.

How much weight have you lost?

- Twenty-five pounds.

- Wowee.

- Yeah, I've been dieting.

I've been going to a gym and cleaning the house

all by myself.

- Oh, I've been doing some jogging.

- Oh? - Up to five miles every day.

- Five miles.

Well, it's hard to believe you're

the same man who used to get winded just

taking out the garbage.

- Here we are, sir.

- Thank you.

- Ma'am.

- Thank you.

- Right.

- I ah--

I had dinner with Linda and Spencer the other night.

- So did I. They seemed fine.

- Yeah.

They're nice kids.

I guess we were lucky there.

- I'll drink to that.

- Well, ah--

Norma, I guess we might as well talk business.

- All right.

- Now My lawyer said that this would be relatively simple.

- So did mine.

- Except for personal items, 50-50 down the middle.

- Yeah, fair enough.

- What about the house?

- Well, ah--

I thought we should sell it.

And I'd get an apartment.

- Well, that makes sense.

- What about the furniture? - You can have it.

- Oh, thank you.

You could have the bed if you like.

- The bed?

Huh, how come?

You said it was hardly used.

- Oh.

Well, I ah-- I--I thought I'd get myself a water bed.

- A water bed?

Bon voyage.

I could see you.

- Oh.

- You know what?

- Mm?

- It's good to hear you laugh.

- Well, now you seem to have loosened up a lot too.

Life in that building must agree with you.

- Ah, yes and no.

It was fun at first.

But then I got worried that I was making a fool of myself.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, somewhere along the line it

dawned on me that those kids were more amused by me

than anything else.

I mean, after all, I'm going to be a grandpa.

- Yeah.

I'm kind of looking forward to a chubby little granddaughter.

- Grandson.

- Either way.

- Hm.

I just-- I just don't know how to say it.

But you seem, well, ah-- softer somehow.

- Maybe it's because I like myself better.

- I think we both like you better.

- Thank you.

- You realize that ah--

today would have been our anniversary?

- Yeah.

We ah-- we just missed 25 years.

- Norma?

- Hm?

- Do we have to miss it?

- Well?

- Oh, come on, let's talk about it over dinner.

Holy smokes, I gotta go.

No I'll stay, it's only $5.

- Well, where were you going?

- Well, my-- my parking meter was about to expire.

I didn't want to get another ticket.

- Let's go.

- Why?

- Well, now I once had a very smart husband who said,

$5 saved is $5 earned.

- Right on, honey.

- Come on home. I'll make you dinner.

- Home?

- Yeah.

You remember where you live, don't you?

- I sure do.

- Three, two, three--

[music playing]

Norma, happy anniversary.

[music playing]

- The Lucille Ball Special has been brought to you by Timex.

Timex watches are made to wear with confidence and style

to wear with pride. [music playing]