Happiness Adjacent (2017) - full transcript

No, that won't do.

So, Brian, are you enjoying your vacation so far?

Oh, that's right.

You had to cancel last minute,

so you leave me all by myself.

Thanks so much for that by the way.

I know.

I know, he's your father,

but he made it through surgery,

so he's gonna be fine,

which I could've told you would've happened.



Your rabbi would've told you it would happen

and he would've known, right?

But no, you had to fly all the way back to New York

and miss the cruise that we've been planning for six months.

Oh, and thanks so much for calling my parents

to let them know.

This morning, I got the call.

"Hank, it's Elaine Eisenberg, your mother.

Your friend Brian flew all the way back to New York

to visit his parents on a Thursday, no less.

Such a good boy.

I'm lucky your brother's here to check in on me.

God forbid I have a stroke and I'm lying dead in a bathtub

and you wouldn't know, mister big shot movie-maker in LA.



Don't you worry about me.

You enjoy your cruise.

Just don't touch anything.

Petri dishes, those boats are nothing

but giant Petri dishes full of germs.

Oh, and pick me up a nice necklace

when you're in Mexico."

We had plans, you and me, Brian.

Plans to help me get over

he who will not be fucked.

I needed this, Brian.

I needed your support.

Now, I guess I'm on my own,

as usual.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I just ruin your picture?

Not at all.

You give good foreground.

Good what?

You provide a nice anchor to the foreground,

therefore giving a nice contrast

to the figures in the background.

You must be what, a photographer, a filmmaker?

Really?

'Cause I could've sworn my parents

told me I must not be a filmmaker,

I must be something sensible, like a dentist.

I'm Hank.

I'm Kurt.

Kurt Dimmeldorf, nice to meet you.

Dimmeldorf, that's Hawaiian, right?

Yeah, of course.

What about you?

What's your last name?

I just, I love last names.

They always tell such a story.

Eisenberg.

What does that name tell you?

That you're a good catholic boy

and that your parents wanted you to go into the priesthood

instead of becoming a filmmaker

or even a sensible dentist.

You want that my father should roll in his grave

with all this priesthood meshugahs?

You know, I'm actually a quarter Jewish?

It doesn't exactly work that way,

but please explain.

So, my grandfather on my father's side was Jewish.

He married my grandmother and left Germany in the 1930s,

go figure, only to settle down in, wait for it,

Indianapolis.

Aw, the famous Jewish settlement of Indianapolis.

Such a nice little shtetl.

Well, there they had my father,

who married a nice Scottish lass.

That explains the hair.

Yeah, exactly.

And then they had me and I've lived in Indianapolis

my whole life.

So, if my grandfather was Jewish,

that makes my father half-Jewish,

which makes me quarter-Jewish.

Remind me to explain to you some day

how that actually works.

So, a nice quarter-Jewish boy from Indiana.

If you're a doctor, you could marry me

and make my mother's dreams come true.

Wow, did I just out myself

and hit on a totally not gay guy in one awkward sentence?

Yeah, pretty much.

I blame the drinks

with the little pineapple skewers in them,

the ones I'm gonna drink heavily

as soon as I find the nearest bar.

I'm sorry if I offended you.

No no no.

No offense taken.

But, I should go.

See you around the ship, Eisenberg.

Bon voyage, Brian,

you bastard.

Look at that view, Brian.

Have you ever seen anything like it?

No, of course not, 'cause you're not actually here.

Eisenberg.

Having fun?

The last few hours have changed my life.

How about you?

You know, just unpacking, checking out the ship.

You see the gym and that spa?

Yeah, it's much nicer than I expected.

So, who were you talking to when I walked over?

Nobody.

It's just a verbal tick.

See, I talk to myself sometimes.

A bad habit Dr. Mandelbaum says I can get over

by dealing with my self esteem issues,

which stem from me talking to myself.

Too much information?

Never.

Well, I definitely won't get over it this week,

traveling solo and all.

I'm sure you can find someone to talk to

on a ship filled a few thousand people.

Maybe, but I was supposed to be traveling

with my best friend, Brian,

and he had to cancel last minute, family emergency.

Long story, don't ask.

So now, here I am, stuck on a ship

full of couples and families.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

You know, hey, you met me, right?

Yes, but…

you're not traveling alone, are you?

No.

I'm with my wife, Kate.

Kurt and Kate, that's cute.

Where is cute Kate?

Ah, in the cabin throwing up.

Already?

Yeah, as soon as the ship started moving,

she started hurling.

I think this'll be her first and her last cruise.

Sorry.

So, while she's resting, I'm on my own

for the first night of our vacation, so...

I mean, hey, we can be on our own together.

Sure, why not?

Well, I have to go check on her,

but I saw you sitting here

and I just wanted to say hello.

I'll look for you later.

We can hang.

Later, Eisenberg.

Really?

Calling men by their last name is so

straight.

But, he also has a wife,

which I must admit is also pretty straight.

No, this is good.

Dr. Mandelbaum says I should be friends

with more straight men,

which I thought was good advice,

until I saw him wearing leather chaps at The Eagle.

Not that I wouldn't listen to it,

but why am I paying him each week

to listen to advice I could get from a fortune cookie?

So,

friends with a straight guy on a cruise ship.

I can do this, yeah.

I'll just look for him later

and hang.

Morning, Brian.

No, you go ahead and you shower first.

I'm gonna check out today's wealth of activities.

Oh, look, yoga for seniors.

Perhaps I could find a limber sugar daddy.

Should I have breakfast at the buffet,

breakfast in the dining room, breakfast out on deck,

or room service breakfast?

And there are even more options for dining for lunch.

There goes my diet.

Magic show tonight at eight PM.

No, thank you.

The song stylings of...

Song stylings, no thank you.

Wanna hit the gym?

Let's do it.

♪ On a personal holiday ♪

♪ On a personal holiday ♪

♪ On a personal holiday ♪

How's your wife?

Still seasick.

I heard from some people in the gym last night

it was pretty rough,

but I could sleep through anything.

Same here, but Kate can't take it.

A swell of the waves and she's on her knees.

Throwing up in the toilet.

Get your mind out of the gutter, Eisenberg.

You never said, any kids?

I'm the only kid Kate can deal with right now.

What does Kate do for a living?

Public relations.

She's really good with people.

Even with you?

Most of the time.

And is married life all it's cracked up to be?

It's exactly what you'd expect.

Is that good or bad?

It's exactly what you'd expect.

How long have you been married?

Seven years.

Seven years?

Wow, my last relationship was only seven months

and then my boyfriend got the seven-month itch.

Longing for greener pastures?

No, he cheated on me and got crabs.

Ouch.

Yeah, that was my reaction too.

I can't believe a cruise ship has a library.

And it's not full of romance novels.

Kate loves her romance novels.

Of course she does.

You know, I should really get her something.

You see anything you like?

Sure, but I brought books with me.

You brought books on vacation?

People read on vacation.

To each their own.

This book is so good.

Have you read it?

No.

Take it, please.

I can't just take it.

You can take it.

It's a library.

It's sort of why they exist.

Trust me.

This looks weird.

It's gonna change your life.

Wanna get some sun after lunch?

Sure.

I just need to go to my cabin and put on my swimsuit.

Same here.

Meet you up top in a few minutes.

So, this Brian guy, is he your boyfriend or whatever?

God, no.

Just friends.

Just friends?

Fine, we fooled around a little when we first met,

but that's it.

We're gay, not celibate.

So, no one special in your life?

You sound like my mother.

"When are you gonna settle down, Hank?

You can get married legally now, so do it already."

Man, time sure flies when you're doing nothing.

Hey, um,

I hear there's a band playing down by the pool later.

You wanna check it out?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'm just good with you and me.

I didn't even know they had a whole messaging system.

Yeah, it's on their WiFi network.

And, boom.

I put in my contact info, so you can hit me up anytime.

Cool, thanks.

Anytime, bro.

I'll catch you later.

Yeah, I can't with the whole bro thing.

I'm fine.

Yes, Brian, I'm trying to decide which outfit

will be least threatening to the straight married guy

I might see later, while also appealing to

whoever I may meet at tonight's friends of Dorothy mixer.

Seriously, I can't believe they still call it

friends of Dorothy.

I know, why should I bring a Hawaiian shirt

on a Mexican cruise?

Would anyone on this boat even appreciate the irony?

Yes, I know, Dr. Mandelbaum that this isn't healthy.

I should just be myself

and if he doesn't like me for being me,

he isn't worth having as a friend.

Well, that's just too boring.

Should I save the white jeans for the white party

I read about later in the cruise.

Can you even imagine what this crowd's version

of white party would be, Brian?

The mind reels.

Friends of Dorothy mixer, here I come.

Seven PM, friends of Dorothy mixer.

Seriously?

You know, Kate's always wanted to go on a cruise

and now she's missing it.

Sucks.

Yeah, not lately.

What was that?

Nothing, nothing.

You never said, what do you do in Indianapolis?

I am an IT specialist at an insurance company.

Boring, yes.

Very very boring.

How'd you get into that?

I fell into it, was good at it,

and now here I am.

It's never too late for a change.

Yeah, what would I do instead, you know?

Well, what do you wanna do?

So many things.

But hey, you know, it is what it is.

What about you?

You made any films that I might've seen?

Not likely.

I make gay-themed films.

You know, indie stuff.

Porn?

No, why does everyone think that gay-themed films

are porn?

I was joking.

I'm sorry.

You like it?

Porn?

I love it.

Well, cheers to that.

You want another round?

Finish that.

I'll get you another.

You did not actually look that up.

I did.

Fuck.

There are no nude beaches in Mexico.

At least, not where we're docking.

Docking?

Docking, where the boat docks.

Docking.

It's just a funny word, docking.

Like dock, docking.

Anyways, yeah, I don't think, I don't think

Kate would like to go to a nude beach, you know?

So, who invited her?

Kidding.

Well, not really.

I mean, not her specifically, just women in general.

I don't need to see that.

Hey, man, do not knock it till you try it.

Ugh, no thank you.

Wait, so you've,

you've never had sex with a woman?

I am 100 % gay.

How about you?

Me?

I've had sex with women many times.

All right, come on, come on, one more drink?

One more drink, one more drink, yeah.

One more.

One more.

Just a minute.

Dimmeldorf.

I woke you.

I'm sorry.

No, I was reading.

You wanna come in.

You were asleep.

I knew, I knew it was too late.

No, I was reading.

Reading, remember I read on vacation.

But--

Shhh.

I want you to fuck me.

Aren't you married?

So what.

Aren't you straight?

I said I want you to fuck me.

Or did I misjudge your

position?

Are you all right?

Shhhh.

Mr. Eisenberg, can I clean your room?

Um, can you come back later please?

No problem, Mr. Eisenberg.

This is all your fault, Brian.

Thanks, bro.

Morning, Eisenberg.

Not so loud.

Morning, Eisenberg.

Morning, Dimmeldorf.

Looks like someone can't hold their liquor.

Liquor?

I don't even know her.

You know, don't take this the wrong way, man,

but if I didn't already know that you were Jewish,

I could definitely tell from the swimsuit.

Hey, circumcisions are not just for Jewish people.

You know, I saw that on a T-shirt once.

So, that's it?

What?

So, we're not gonna talk about last night?

We'll talk later.

Till then just shut up and enjoy the sun, Eisenberg.

What's this?

That is the to-do list that Brian and I made

when we booked the cruise.

A cocktail napkin.

We may have been drinking.

Don't judge.

Wow.

Number one, visit a Mexican beach.

Yeah, because you don't have any beaches

in Los Angeles.

Quiet, I'm reading.

And the beaches are totally different in Los Angeles.

Number two, be a pirate.

Oh, that's that excursion that Brian and I booked

for tomorrow.

Number three, get laid on board.

That was really more for Brian.

He has a think for seamen.

Really?

No laughter for my seamen joke?

Oh, that was a joke.

Fine.

Number four, get over...

Over what?

Not what, who.

My ex,

get over my ex.

How's that going?

No comment.

And number five, make a new friend.

I added that last one after I sobered up in the morning.

Why?

Because it's hard to find real friends

in Los Angeles, not just people that you meet at parties

who say they're gonna hang out, but never do.

You know, Los Angeles does not have a monopoly on flakes.

I've got work colleagues and couples friends

and of course, you know, my family and Kate's family,

most of them just live nearby.

Well, that's why I figured a cruise

would be a good vacation.

People let their guards down.

You get to see a real person,

away from their jobs and responsibilities.

Yeah, I can see that.

And hey,

maybe you already made a friend.

I hope so.

Mmmm, mm, mm.

You know they have a movie theater on board?

What am I doing with this partly Jewish,

partly straight guy?

I mean, what are we gonna do, order some gefilte fish

and Manischewitz in the dining room and discuss the Torah

or continue to avoid the subject of his wife,

his marriage, his life?

Is he firmly entrenched in the closet

or does he need a nudge?

And if he does need a nudge, should I be the one to do it?

Shut up, Hank.

Hey, Dimmeldorf.

Hey.

I could really use a drink.

You read my mind.

There you are.

Hey.

Mama needs her juice.

How are you feeling?

Ugh, don't even ask.

But there's just way too much sun

to be in that dreary cabin one more minute.

We got one of the cabins without a balcony.

Never again,

never again.

Wait, who are you and how did you know I was sick?

Um, this is Hank.

He's been keeping me company

ever since you practically abandoned me.

Well, I never.

Can you believe this guy?

Hi, I'm Kate.

Hank.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Kurt's been telling me all about his lovely wife.

I can see now that he wasn't lying.

Aw, you.

Well thank you so so much for keeping my husband company

while I've been heaving my guts out

in that little tiny bathroom.

The bathrooms are so tiny.

It's ridiculous.

So, what have you guys been up to?

Head.

What?

The tiny bathroom on a ship, it's called a head.

Really?

Huh, I didn't know that.

May lightning strike me dead if I'm lying.

Well, I've been traveling solo,

so Kurt's really the one that's been doing me the favor.

Aw, honey that is so sweet.

Join us for dinner.

Yeah.

I'm so glad Kurt's made a friend on board,

since I've been sick,

although between you and me,

he's usually the one leaving me alone when we travel.

I do not.

Hmm, I swear.

He's always going off for a run or to the gym

or to play golf or something whenever we're on vacation,

all by himself.

Can you imagine?

I can actually.

Sometimes I think he makes these things up

just to get away from me.

Isn't that ridiculous?

I think it is so brave that you travel alone.

I could never do that.

Why, if you had had dinner by yourself,

all of those people would've been positively staring at you.

Ah, and all those sad single photographs when you boarded.

Did you see those?

I did.

I'm in one.

Oh, of course.

Gosh, I am sorry.

But don't you get lonely?

I haven't this trip.

Hank was supposed to be with someone who canceled

at the last minute.

Ah, that's terrible.

Oh, was it a lover's quarrel?

I bet you she is at home right now regretting her decision

at this very minute.

No, it was nothing like that.

Brian Schwartz is his name,

not that you need to know that,

but yes, Brian Schwartz, my best friend and I

were supposed to go on a trip together

and he had to cancel last minute, family emergency.

So, here I am, sailing the high seas on my own.

No wife, no girlfriend?

Gay.

No husband, no boyfriend?

Not at the moment.

Aw, that's too bad.

But you know, not everybody can be as lucky

as Kurt and I.

Did I tell you we met in college?

No.

He does not need to hear that story.

Wait, there's a story?

Then you must tell me.

Well, my sorority and Kurt's fraternity

had a mixer senior year.

It was one of those costume parties, you know?

Tres fun.

I was dressed as--

A naughty nurse.

A sexy nurse, not a naughty one.

Anyway, Kurt was dressed as...

You know what, I'm not gonna tell you.

You guess.

Um,

let me think.

A construction worker from The Village People?

OMG.

How did you know that?

I don't know.

He looks a little like a construction worker.

I should think not.

But he just looked so adorable with his fraternity brothers

doing the whole YMCA thing

and I told my friends, I told them,

"I'm gonna marry that man,"

and I did.

L'chaim.

Gesundheit.

I have a great idea.

Why don't you go into town with Kurt tomorrow.

Where are we docking?

It's like Cabo San Vallarta or something like that.

Something like that.

Yeah, with my tummy troubles,

I don't dare get off the ship

and risk eating something terrible.

You should go with him and keep him from doing

whatever he normally does without me.

Keep an eye on him.

That's a good idea, right honey?

Yeah, of course.

I do have an extra ticket for an excursion tomorrow.

We bought two before Brian bailed on me.

It's for a pirate--

Perfect.

It's all settled then.

If you'll just excuse me a minute.

Oooh.

And I thought I talked a lot.

Hey.

No, she's adorable.

I can see what you see in her.

What I can't see is what you see in her,

and by that I mean your penis in her vagina.

Everything isn't so black and white.

No, it's fifty shades of you're gay.

I'm not gay.

I'm serious, I'm not gay.

Your ass respectfully disagrees.

Shut up.

So what are you?

Bi

or sexually fluid, as they call it now?

If I had to put a label on it,

then yes.

This is just something I do sometimes.

Often enough to be good at it.

Just when we're on vacation.

No strings, no attachments, no one I'll ev...

Ever see again.

And the rest of the time?

I don't wanna talk about the rest of the time.

I don't wanna talk about anything right now.

How was your run?

It was great.

Gym's empty this time of night.

That's good.

Clean up and come to bed.

Hey, hey, Kate.

Yeah.

You sure you don't wanna go into town tomorrow?

Yeah, Kurt, I'm sure.

You go have fun with Frank.

It's Hank.

Whatever.

Ahoy.

Hank And Ahoy.

Ahoy.

I shouldn't be in the sun this long.

Dr. Stein would kill me.

He's convinced I'm gonna get skin cancer.

SPF3000, that's my secret.

Which reminds me, can you get my back?

I thought your doctor was named Mandelbaum.

When did I tell you that?

Who knows?

You just talk and talk and talk.

Anyways, back to Dr. Mandelbaum.

Right, Dr. Mandelbaum is my therapist.

You're in therapy?

Aren't you?

No.

Huh.

10 years now for me.

Dr. Mandelbaum is my longest adult relationship of my life.

God, how sad is that?

It's not sad if you need it.

Do you?

Obviously, I do.

For what it's worth, I don't see anything wrong with you.

Not from where I'm standing.

Then it's a good thing you're sitting.

Anyway, Dr. Mandelbaum is my therapist.

Dr. Stein is my primary care physician,

Beverly Hills, very respected.

He doesn't even take new patients anymore,

so I was lucky to get in with him

before the whole health care crisis.

He basically waits for his patients to die,

which, by the looks of the waiting room,

happens pretty frequently.

Lower, please.

Brian thinks I'm a hypochondriac,

but I tell him I refuse to become a Woody Allen character

for at least another decade.

Didn't I see like 10 bottles of pills in your bathroom?

Vitamins, supplements, antacids.

God forbid I get sick while on vacation.

Anyway, your turn.

You know how you gingers burn.

Yeah, I do know that actually.

Shut up,

face down.

God, I say that to you a lot.

Hey, you want a shrimp?

Like half a shrimp?

So.

So.

See you later, Eisenberg.

Any time, Dimmeldorf.

Ah, hey you.

Hey.

How was your trip?

Super.

You got some sun.

Yeah, a little bit.

Looks like more than a little.

How you feeling?

So much better.

In fact, I felt so good, I went to the spa.

Oh my god, it was fantastic.

I got a massage from this Croatian woman,

her name was like Svetlana, Svetsuka,

or something like that.

It felt so good.

You should try it.

Then I went to the steam room, so relaxing.

You should check it out.

It's like one of those things you go to back home,

what's it called, a shvitz?

Oh, wait, you already went.

Kurt, honey, you okay?

Yeah, sorry.

Maybe you're right.

Too much sun, I guess.

Okay, I'll be quiet as a mouse

while I finish getting ready.

How was Hank?

Hank was fine.

He's fine, very talkative.

Well, you should be used to that,

being married to me and all.

Right.

Okay.

You get some rest.

This is all your fault, Brian.

You know that, right?

I mean, if you were here,

we'd be hanging by the pool, drinking a few drinks,

ogling all the straight guys, the real straight guys,

gossiping about our friends,

and having a vacation that we've always planned,

but no, now I'm here alone,

having the best sex of my life.

Yes, I know that he's married.

Yes, I know that hasn't stopped me before.

Seriously, I can't believe you're bringing that up.

I didn't know that he was married.

This one, well, yes, this one I did know was married,

but still, he asked me to come in here

and asked me to you know.

And then he's all like, "No, I'm not really gay,"

while my dick is still in his ass.

His wife has to know, right?

She has to know.

I mean, seven years of marriage,

and if he's doing this every vacation,

then, if he's doing this every vacation,

then when else is he doing it,

because you don't learn that,

oy vey, you don't learn that from only bottoming

once a year.

Oh, I finally find a nice pseudo-Jewish boy

with a great tuchus and an amazing personality

and, of course, he's married,

to a shiksa no less.

I need a shower.

And don't you dare tell my mother about this.

It's gotta be here.

Hey.

Uh, don't tell Kurt.

I told him I stopped.

He'd kill me for lying.

Hey, it's a vacation.

You're entitled to indulge in a little sin

every now and then, right?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I should do whatever I want, ha.

That a girl.

But seriously, don't tell him.

I'm serious.

Kurt went to bed early if you were looking for him.

Oh, I wasn't.

You really wore him out today, ha.

Too much sun, too many pirates.

Oh, I wanna see pictures of the pirates.

Oh, um.

Yeah?

Yeah, let me see.

That is too much fun.

Yeah, it was.

That's nice.

Oh, yeah, um.

Well, it's amazing how well the pirate

was able to take the photo with only a hook for a hand.

Did he have a good time?

Kurt, I mean.

Yeah, he seemed to.

He's just been so down lately.

Why?

I don't know.

I thought it might be me.

No, he talks about you all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, whenever I stop talking.

I swear, I talked his ear off today.

He doesn't mind.

He needs more friends he can talk to.

Yeah,

but sometimes I feel kinda weird talking about my life

with him.

Why?

It's just that sometimes--

What?

Sometimes I worry that Kurt has a problem

with people like me.

You know, gay people.

Oh, Hank.

You do not need to worry about that.

No?

No, we have so many friends who are gay.

Oh, gosh.

That's a cliche, isn't it?

But it's true.

Kurt's roommate in college was gay

and they are still friends to this day,

to this very day.

Really?

Yeah, Kurt doesn't care about that.

I thought you were gonna say it's cause you're Jewish.

Oh, dear.

I mean, Kurt doesn't care about that either.

Neither do I.

I think you Jews are wonderful people.

Well, mazel tov and bless your heart.

Thank you.

Well, since you're not gonna tell my husband,

I'm gonna have another cigarette.

Our secret.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Kate didn't wanna come to town?

No, she wanted to enjoy the ship

while she's still feeling better.

So, you haven't really talked about your ex.

No, no I haven't.

Did he make you happy?

What made you say that?

'Cause you deserve to be happy.

From your lips.

I thought we were living in happiness,

but turns out, not so much.

For a while,

at least we were happiness adjacent.

So, in Judaism,

the heritage descends from the mother's bloodline.

If it's not from your mother, you're not really Jewish.

So, I'm not actually Jewish?

Sorry, we can't all be chosen.

You should've come into Mazatlan today.

Why would you ever leave the ship?

They have everything you need on board.

Well, sometimes a change of scenery's nice.

For us, this ship is a change of scenery.

Besides, they had these wonderful seminars.

Ah, I learned how to make a journal.

So much fun.

What's wrong, sweetie?

You're so quiet.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Just a lot of things on my mind.

You didn't check in with work today, did you?

Yeah, I did, I'm sorry.

You promised.

Damn it, Kate.

The world doesn't stop just because we're on vacation.

I know what you guys need.

See, I told you you'd feel better.

Feel better?

So much better.

Join us.

No, I should leave you two to have some alone time.

Enjoy the rest of your day together.

There you go.

Where exactly does Kate think you are right now?

Right here.

She started feeling seasick again,

so I told her I was gonna have drinks with you.

I brought you one, but I kinda drank it on the way over.

You don't have to pretend

to be drunk to see me, Dimmeldorf.

Who's pretending?

I don't know why we're doing this.

I do.

I'm serious.

So am I.

You're married.

Don't remind me.

And I've been there before.

It never turns out well for someone like me.

Kate

is a lovely person

and she is here with you.

Yeah,

'cause I planned this whole trip by myself.

I made every single fucking decision

about this trip.

I mean she wanted to go,

but surprise surprise, I got stuck making all the plans.

So?

I'm tired of being the husband every fucking day.

Sometimes, I just,

I just want this,

no questions asked.

Men like you...

Fine fine fine, men like us,

we know what it's like to find comfort and equality

in each other's arms.

We're the same.

We want the same things.

We need the same things.

God, I, you know,

Kate doesn't need me,

not really,

not any way that counts.

Are you here because you think I need you?

I know you need someone.

You need someone who appreciates how wonderful

and smart and funny and loving you are.

Thank you for that.

I think I needed to hear it,

but that doesn't change our situation.

What do you need?

Right now, I need you.

So, you need to be fucked, is that it?

No.

No, I...

Right now, I need you.

We have no future.

You know that, right?

We have no past.

That's the beauty of it.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

It's eight o'clock in the morning.

Oh, shit.

It'll be all right.

No, it won't.

Where are my shoes.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I am so so sorry, baby.

Where have you been?

Hank and I were drinking and he had a bottle of tequila

back in his room and I just,

I had too much to drink,

so I passed out in his spare bed.

I'm

so so sorry if you were worried.

Of course I was worried.

My husband disappears all night

and I'm not supposed to be worried.

And don't think I haven't noticed

how much you've been drinking lately.

It's a cruise.

No, no, do not do that.

Not just the cruise, for months.

How for two years I've been watching you drink

more and more.

Is your life so bad that you have to be drunk

to get through it?

No, babe, of course not.

Is it,

is it more this time?

No.

No.

I love you, Kate.

Are you safe?

You know I am.

Always?

Yes.

Well, that's something.

Where are you going?

I need to get off the ship.

You want your cigarettes?

We both have our secrets.

Well, I think it's time to stop.

I left something for you in the bathroom.

Morning Kate.

Morning.

Thought I'd check out Cabo.

Me too.

_ thanks for taking care of Kurt last night.

He can be quite a drinker, I tell ya.

It's,

it's no trouble.

Of course not.

What are friends for, right?

I guess I shouldn't be telling you this,

but since we'll never see you again,

I'm pregnant.

You're--

Pregnant.

Yeah, I took the test this morning.

Guess I wasn't seasick after all.

Congratulations.

Kurt was so excited when I told him this morning.

Well, I mean, he was still a teensy hungover,

no thanks to you,

but this is something he's always wanted

and so have I.

Ahhh.

I'm gonna be a mom.

That is so great, Kate.

I'm so happy for you,

for both of you.

I'd give you a hug, but I'm a little shvitzy.

Yeah, that's probably for the best.

I hope you don't care if we cancel dinner plans,

but Kurt wants to have a special night

for just the two of us.

Of course.

I mean, of course not.

You two should go out and celebrate.

Yay, baby Dimmeldorf.

Kurt was already talking about baby names this morning.

He's the best, isn't he?

He is,

the very best.

Yeah.

Brian?

Hey, sorry I missed your call.

I just wanted to say,

just wanted to say I wish you were here.

I could really use someone to talk to.

I didn't mean for that to sound as ominous as it did.

I

just miss you.

I wish you were here, man.

But, hey, I finished our to-do list.

Well, at least I think I did.

We'll have to see about that last item.

But, we definitely have a lot to talk about

when I get back home.

Would you believe it that somebody called me funny and smart

and wonderful?

Yes, somebody called me wonderful.

Just a heck of a lot nicer

than that asshole I dated ever said to me.

It was nice.

It was nice to hear

from him.

Anyway, I miss you, buddy.

Two days.

I'll see you in two days.

Bye.

Last day at sea, Brian.

You ready to go home?

Yeah, me too.

Hey.

Hey.

I guess congratulations are in order.

Yeah, I guess so.

I really liked the book.

Good.

Talk to me.

Why, I'm just the vacation fling, remember?

Somebody you never see again.

Don't be that way.

Not here.

Would you believe me if I told you that this was

special or different?

Why should I?

You know, leave it to me to find someone like you

at this moment in my life,

someone I actually like

and could see spending more time with.

Do you even know how much

this has been eating me up inside?

Sleeping with a married man.

You knew from the start.

You're right, I did.

It's my fault for not trusting my own instincts.

It's my fault for letting you...

I should've known better.

Yeah, me too.

It's just,

it's not just you.

I've been thinking about leaving Kate a lot.

You know, not just this past week,

but especially this past week.

Before--

Yeah, before.

I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be.

I'm not gay, not in the strict definition that you use.

I'm just not.

I know a lot of guys like you, Hank,

guys who don't even believe in bi-sexuality

or whatever the hell you wanna call it.

God, these labels are ridiculous.

Yeah, they are.

I mean, you love who you love.

Isn't that what matters?

What matters is that you're honest with yourself

and the people in your life.

I mean, if you're lying to Kate--

I am not lying to Kate.

She accepts it because she accepts me,

because she loves me and I love her, I really do,

but--

But what?

But, yeah, I could see loving you, Hank,

if things were different.

But they're not.

And even if they were,

I'm gonna have a baby, Hank.

And we hadn't planned on it, but yes, I want this baby.

I want to be a father.

So what then?

More vacation flings while Kate watches the baby?

Can you be happy like that?

No, I,

I can't.

Just by this,

this is it.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep doing this to Kate.

I can't do this to myself

and I really,

I can't keep doing this to you.

I have to go.

Not yet.

Hank.

Just wait until I fall asleep.

You find out I'm pregnant

and you can't even wait a day to see him?

I saw the two of you together.

It looked like you were going to his cabin.

Am I wrong?

It wasn't planned.

We just ran into each other.

Yeah, well a lot of things aren't planned these days.

And you didn't answer my question.

Did you go to his cabin?

Yes.

Hmm.

To say goodbye.

You didn't just say goodbye.

I can smell it on you.

I was saying goodbye to a lot of things.

I'm going to stop.

Really?

Really?

It's not fair to you,

to either of us,

but definitely not to you.

I don't wanna lose you, Kate.

Was I close to losing you this time?

It doesn't matter.

I'm here for good.

Are you sure, because I can't--

I'm sure.

Kurt And Ahoy.

Ahoy.

Brian, I still blame you for this.

If you were here, I wouldn't have to started to...

No, I blame you for this Dr. Mandelbaum.

"Make friends with more straight men," he says.

"It'll help your self esteem," he says.

No, I blame you, mom.

Yeah, that's right.

As you've always said, "It always comes down

to blaming your mother."

It's your fault for teaching me to keep an open mind

about people, to not hate or judge people

when I know they're doing the wrong thing,

because right now, it would be so easy to.

But I don't blame you, Dimmeldorf.

I don't understand your situation,

but I'm actually happy for you,

that you're having child,

a child that you want.

But I don't blame you.

I could never blame you.

And I could never ever hate you.

In another time and place, I could've even...

That's what I needed more than you could imagine.

You taught me that it's still possible to be loved.

Brian?

Hey.

Yeah, I can't really hear you.

I'm outside.

I'll look for your car.

I don't know when I'll send this to you,

if I'll send this to you.

You are asleep right now

and I know how sound of a sleeper you are,

so I thought I'd take the opportunity to...

You're a good man, Hank Eisenberg.

You don't know how rare that is, but you are.

You're the real deal

and if our timing was different, well...

You know, I love that you're neurotic

and funny and sexy and you don't even know how sexy you are.

You don't how smart or how lovable you are.

You deserve love.

You deserve,

you deserve better than that jerk that cheated on you.

You deserve better than married men

who treat you like shit.

And you,

you certainly deserve better than me.

You deserve someone without baggage.

Well, I mean, we all have baggage,

some of us more than others,

some way more.

God.

I'm babbling and I meant to keep this short.

I will always remember this week

and I will always remember you

and I wanna wish you the best of everything

because you deserve it.

You don't need a therapist to tell you that,

you just need to believe it.

You deserve the best

and I hope you find it.

I hope you find true happiness.

Have a good life, Eisenberg,

and

goodbye.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

Hey, is this the way to board the ship?

Yep, straight ahead, big metal thing, can't miss it.

Thanks.

You know, you can check your bags over there.

I mean, it feels really good to be baggage-free.

Oh, I'm not...

Baggage-free, huh?

And ready to hit the first bar I see.

Wanna join me?

For one of those tropical drinks,

you know the ones with the little like pineapple skewers

in it?

I'm not on this cruise.

Just getting back actually.

Too bad.

Yeah, this is for Dr. Mandelbaum.

This is Hank Eisenberg.

Listen, I,

I'd like to cancel this Tuesday, next Tuesday,

basically all the Tuesdays,

because Dr. Mandelbaum, you're a putz.

♪ Feel like I walked into worst all time ♪

♪ La di da, la di da, ♪

♪ La di da ♪

♪ I've canceled plans and my sights ♪

♪ La di da, la di da ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ I just want to be free, hey ♪

♪ I just want you to know me, hey ♪

♪ Not asking for sorry ♪

♪ I just want you to see ♪

♪ There are more like me, yeah ♪

♪ Wonder if you sleep with the TV on ♪

♪ La di da, la di da, ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ Just to feel the comfort of network's angels ♪

♪ La di da, la di da, ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ With lights in place, hey ♪

♪ This isn't just a phase, hey ♪

♪ You're not asking for sorry ♪

♪ Yeah, you just want them to see ♪

♪ This is not a disease, no ♪

♪ It's all we wish for ♪

♪ It's all that we dream for ♪

♪ It's so far away sometimes ♪