Hansel & Gretel (2002) - full transcript

If you go down to the woods tonight be sure of the biggest surprise of your life! When Hansel and Gretel's wicked stepmother leads them into the dark forest, the children find themselves in an enchanted world of magical creatures and hideous monsters. But when they stumble upon a house made of sweets things take a turn for the worse, as inside the cottage is an evil witch who's hungry. And Hansel and Gretel have a sneaking suspicion they might be on the menu! But will the ever-forgetful Sandman and the runny-nosed Boogeyman be able to save them?

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ANDREW: Go to sleep, Katie.

KATIE: You know I can't go
to sleep with the light off.

ANDREW: Try counting sheep.

KATIE: I don't like sheep.

They scare me.

ANDREW: You are so sad.

Stop it.

DAD: OK, you two.

What's all the talking about?

I can't sleep
with the light off.



ANDREW: I could have.

All right.

Let's, let's just settle down.

I miss mom.

And I think there's
something in the closet.

How about a story?

ANDREW: Could we?

Yeah?

OK.

OK.

Um yeah, how about this one?

Nah.

No?

Oh, this-- this one was
your favorite last year.



You loved-- you don't
love this one anymore.

OK.

Um, well, I've never
seen this one before.

BOTH: Neither have we.

All right then.

Let's try this.

Wow.

Hm.

"Once upon a time,
in a far off land,

there stood a
lowly shack, hardly

fit for an animal to live."

Wait a minute.

Don't these stories usually
start with a castle?

Is this a fairy tale?

Let's just give
it a few pages.

There aren't any, uh, sheep,
in any of these fairy tales,

are there?

DAD : "Close
to a large forest,

there lived a woodcutter
and his family.

They were very poor
and had little to eat.

The boy was named Hansel.

The girl, Gretel.

While their father spent
his days searching for food,

the children were
left to the care

of their wicked stepmother."

Rats, eating all my bread.

Well, we all know
what happens to rats.

They get squished.

My cheese!

What in the living
daylights is going on?

BOTH: Father!

BRUNHILDA: We have
rats in the house.

Rats?

Yes.

Huge rats.

And they ate a week's worth
of bread and my cheese.

We had cheese and a
week's worth of bread?

No, just wishful thinking.

We never have any food.

Well, tonight, we feast!

Oh, honey--
ferret, my favorite.

I'll just stick it in a
pot, and we'll have stew.

GRETEL: Hansel, we're
gonna have hot stew!

Now, come and see what I have
gotten for your collection.

Ah.

See?

Has some quartz in there.

Amazing!

KATIE: Father, what is--
BRUNHILDA: Yummy--

KATIE: --this one called?
BRUNHILDA: Ferret stew.

ANDREW: I've never
seen one like this!

DAD: This one has
some fellspire.

You see how that shines?

That is a jewel for
my little princess.

Oh, thank you, father.

I love you.

If you spent more time looking
for food instead of for rocks,

maybe we wouldn't be starving.

DAD: What was that, Brun?

KATIE: We have so
many rocks now.

Uh, I was just saying what a
rocking good time we're having!

FATHER: Ah, is that so?

Yeah, we were chasing rats.

You're kidding me.

ANDREW: I saw a huge one--
looked just like Broomhilda.

So I whacked it on the head.

BRUNHILDA: Do you see how
they tease and taunt me?

And my name is Brunhilda,
not Broomhilda.

Can't you get that straight?

It just hurts me so.

Hansel, I will
not have you talk

that way about your stepmother.

Off to bed with you.

Go.

And where do you
think you're going?

I'm going too.

Good night, father.

Aw, come here, Broom.

I mean, Brun.

I meant to say Brun.

Please.

Come.

I just want them to love me.

And they will, in time.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Ew!

What's she doing?

Gross!

She's juicing him.

The word's seducing, stupid.

Well, it's still gross.

Poor children.

I'll try to be
more understanding.

Yeah.

Hm.

Goodnight, Hansel.

Goodnight, Gretel.

I have been thinking
about what you said.

Oh?

What's that?

Oh, I can't stand us
living this way any longer.

I will sell the necklace.

This is not the life I
promised you and the children.

I will head for
the city tomorrow.

Well, if that's
what you've decided,

honey, then you should tell
the children right away.

Yeah, yeah.

ANDREW: This is dumb.

Is not.

Yeah, it is.

A real fairy tale has trolls
and witches and boogymen.

You wouldn't sell
any of mommy's things,

would you, daddy?

No, honey.

No, I wouldn't.

But I don't think Hansel and
Gretel's dad had a choice,

you know?

They were starving.

Maybe they could each
other, like cannibals.

That's enough, Andrew.

How are the children?

Upset.

Well, the money
the locket brings

us will buy us food and
supplies to last a whole year.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll just--

--polish and pack
it for the journey.

It should look its very
best for the jewelers.

That is very
thoughtful of you.

I'm a very thoughtful girl.

FATHER: I will have to
leave before sunrise.

Time for bed.

It's show time!

We're going for a
walk into the woods.

A very long walk.

Count me out.

Me too.

I wasn't axing you.

I'm telling you.

Chop, chop!

Yes, Brun.

Is she gonna chop us up?

No, she's not that dumb.

She's going to take us into
the forest and lose us.

But don't worry,
I've got a plan.

It's called, let's
get out of here!

I don't think so.

If you hate us so much, then
why did you marry our father?

One very good reason.

One 22-carat, fine
filigree reason.

That's our mother's!

Not anymore.

But father said he was
taking it to town to sell.

Your idiot father is carrying
a neatly packaged pebble.

And with the money this
fine necklace brings,

I can finally live the
kind of life I deserve.

Our father will find you.

Then you'll be sorry!

Not!

He'll be too busy searching
for his little lost children.

Lessens the value,
you understand.

No!

DAD : "Deeper
and deeper and deeper

into the forest she led them.

Hansel, always a
boy with a plan,

secretly marked the pathway.

Otherwise, they would never be
able to find their way home."

Do we have a problem?

Hm?

No way I'm going in there.

Don't worry, we'll
find our way back.

My rock collection, remember?

Oh, by the way, you
might want to bring these.

I know.

I even amaze myself sometimes.

Now, off with you.

Go, go, go.

Oh.

ANDREW: Let's just wait
here until she's gone.

Hm.

See?

It's not so bad.

Nothing here but fog.

Boo!

Run, Gretel!

Just think of
it as a sleepover.

Only you'll be staying
over and over and over.

What now?

Now we get out of the
forest, head to the city,

and find father.

This way.

Wait!

We're lost, aren't we?

I'm so tired and hungry.

Just try to stay calm.

OK, Gretel?

By the twitching of my nose,
something tasty this way comes.

What is it?

I don't know.

What is it?

I don't know.

Well, if you give me
a chance, I'll tell you.

Sorry, I just got
caught up in the moment.

ANDREW: You're scared.

I am not.

Honey, are you sure?

Are you ready for this?

I mean, are you
really ready for it?

I mean, are you really,
really ready for it?

Well, what is it?

It is a boogeyman!

It's getting a little too
noisy in the neighborhood.

The owner's association is
getting a letter from me.

If it's not the
birds squawking, it's

the squirrels chattering, or--

Yo, baldy.

I'm working here, huh?

What are you doing here?

This is my part of the forest.

You're not supposed to be here.

Hit the road, Jack, and don't
you come back no more, no more.

Well, well.

If it isn't the Sandman,
the sultan of snooze,

the bearer of bedtime.

Well, at least what
I do is important!

What kind of job is lurking
around in closets, scaring

kids out of their pajamas?

It's a fun job.

Oh, ooh.

You know there's, um,
you have a little--

Uh, tissue!

You know what?

Not my concern.

Ha, ha.

Very funny.

You know, I'd love to stay and
chat, but I've got a hot date.

Maybe you know her?

The wood faerie.

Well, I know enough about her.

What do you mean?

Well, she's a faerie.

She's blonde.

Need I say more?

You're just jealous.

Jealous?

Of you?

Ha, ha!

You better
believe it, Sandman.

Well, I'd love to stay and
chat, but I've got to go.

I will see you two later.

And I'll see you
later too, later.

Don't be scared.

His, um, his, uh, fright is
a lot worse than his frown.

You're not really
the Sandman, are you?

Absolutely.

I'm the Sandman.

And you live here?

Of course.

Where else would
I live, New York?

The city that never sleeps?

I don't think so.

Though I was looking
at a timeshare.

I wasn't really
interested in it,

but if you just go,
like, look at it,

they give you a clock radio.

That was nice.

So, this must be
your sleep dust.

Whoa, whoa.

Back off, shorty.

This is very powerful stuff,
only to be handled by highly

trained professionals.

And you are?

I'm Hansel, and
this is Gretel.

We're lost.

Well, it has been
a rare pleasure,

but I must be going,
because I'm an important guy

with an important job.

Do you mean you're
not going to help us?

Uh--

We're lost.

You live here.

GRETEL: We must find our father.

You can help us get out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Time out.

I'm already late.

I have to put more
people to sleep

than an Academy Award telecast.

I have children lining up the
world over for some shut eye.

And you help
children, don't you?

That's what I live for--

to help children.

And, and--

Ah.

I see.

I see what you're
getting at here.

OK.

I'm not supposed to do this,
but you need someone, right?

You need a guide, right?

Someone who knows
the lay of the land.

Someone who is a qualified
leader to find the hidden signs

and define their meaning.

I don't know anybody like that.

But I happen to be a kick
butt Kung Fu fighter.

I have taught myself online.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ow!

Woo, woo, woo!

Ooh wah!

Yah!

Ooh, ooh!

See, what I'm doing now, is
I'm focusing more on the sounds

than the actual movements.

Because you take
one piece at a time.

Woo!

Ahh!

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

So you'll help us?

Yes.

Oh, thank you Sandman!

Oh, you're welcome.

No, it's OK.

That's OK.

I understand.

Cool with me.

There you go.

Right back at you.

How about those Bears, huh?

Ooh, it's getting late.

You know what?

It's getting late.

We've got to find
you a place to sleep.

Come on, let's go.

It was-- it was--

it was a left at the oak and
a right at the cedar, right?

Or was it the other way around?

Oh, this fog is
wrecking my hair.

Oh!

Although the moisture
does seem to be doing

wonders for my complexion.

Just a lovely little
walk in the forest.

Tra-la-la!
Oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Left-right,
left-right, left-right,

left-right, left-right,
left-right, left-right.

One.

OK.

All right, this is--

left, take a left here.

All right, left
and now straight.

And step--

This is disgusting.

Hey, Sandman.

Anyone ever tell you
this is a stinky bog?

Right, bog.

Safest place there is.

Yeah, well, I'm just gonna
take my chances somewhere else.

Well, be my guest, but
wolves will not come into bogs.

Wolves do not like bogs.

Did, did I mention what
a beautiful bog this was?

Yes, thank you!

I'll be here all week.

Tip your waitress.

All right, time for me to go.

All right, right this way.

Come on.

Up here.

Perfect.

Uh, place right here.

All right, go to sleep.

Okie dokie.

All right, just lie down here.

Be very comfortable.

Everything here is from
Bed, Bogs and Beyond.

All right?

Sleep tight, kids.

Off like a light,
into the night.

Hansel?

Uh-huh?

I'm hungry.

Me too, but we'll find
something to eat tomorrow, OK?

I promise.

Goodnight, Hansel.

Goodnight, Gretel.

Do you think he's coming back?

I don't know.

Come on, let's find
something to eat.

Once I get out of
here, I am never going

to live anywhere near a forest!

Trees, trees, trees.

Hate them.

Oh!

Look, Gretel!

Mm.

Smells good.

No!

Are you nuts?

Fire berries.

Wow, that was close, Hansel.

I admit it, I'm impressed.

OK, here's what
I'm going to do now.

I gotta get you two some
food and out of here.

Everyone fall in.

Let's go.

This way.

I, uh, don't want to
go direct, because--

Look!

That's a sign.

Did I put the man
in Sandman, or what?

I'm having a huge
pan-fried river

trout with pumpernickel bread.

Mm!

Wild boar with spiced
apple and Black Forest cake.

Let's go!

Uh-oh.

What do you mean, uh oh?

I'm on.

No way!

There's food waiting for us.

Yeah, well, there are millions
of boys and girls expecting me.

What am I supposed to do?

Can't you just delegate?

I-- uh, uh, look!

Delegate, delegate,
delegate, delegate.

Oh, you mean more of a
supervisory position.

Well, you know, it's worth
a thought, I suppose.

But it's a-- that's, um--
it-- there's a system.

And I'm a company man,
don't want to put a crimp

in the system, and union--

OK!

I am coming already.

I-- I, uh-- I--

kids, I'll be back
as fast as I can.

Get me some food to go, OK?

Off like a light,
into the night!

You know what?

I need the cardio.

I'm just going to
stroll, because--

I'm just gonna-- you know what--

Wait, Sandman!

Come back!

I'm eating.

I don't believe this.

Food.

SPEAKER : You
can burn away that gut.

Sear that cellulite
with Fat Incinerator!

Simply dial
1-800-4579-1111-4286 19 star

star star today and order Fat--

- Gotta have that.
- SPEAKER : --Incinerator.

Yeah.

TROLL: Yeah, go for
the burn, my brother.

SPEAKER : All right.

Oh!
Hm!

Oh!

Cheese and crackers!
Ugh!

Mm.

SPEAKER : --order now.

Yes?

I would like to purchase
the Fat Incinerator.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hansel?

Hansel?

Hansel?

Hansel?

SPEAKER : My
name's Turkey Trouble.

You know, I've
dedicated my life to--

I did it!

Ha, ha, ha!

Yes!

Two children?

This is great!

Gimme a T!

Gimme an R!

Gimme an O!

Gimme an L!

Gimme a minute.

Oh, boy.

Who's the man?

Troll!

Who dances like a warthog
and bites like a flea?

Me, me, me, me!

SPEAKER:
Ab-buster 3,000!

So--

I gotta have that!

SPEAKER : -grab your
monster card now, and simply

dial 1-800-4268-1111--

Yes?

I want to order the
Troll Ab-buster 3,000.

Yes, I can wait.

Come on!

Do you have to do that with
me floating right here?

Me
me me me me me me!

Hey, mister.

What about the food?

The sign said diner.

Yeah, I'm the diner.

You didn't really fall
for the sign, did you?

I mean, that's the
oldest trick in the book.

We're hungry.

HANSEL: Try starving!

I love this job!

Oh!

You should have followed the
skull and crossbones, kid.

Hey, wood sprite.

Get away from them.

You trying to ruin my fun again?

Just making nice with
our guests, genius.

Why don't you go outside and
wait for your Ab-buster 3,000

to arrive?

Heaven knows you need it.

And I'm not a wood sprite.

I'm a wood faerie.

And you would know that if
you weren't such a drop out.

I'm much more beautiful
than wood sprite.

Ugh.

Much more of a pain.

Wish I never captured you.

Ugh, dames.

Bah.

So?

Zap me, fat boy!

Take me out of my misery!

Stop moving, you dumb pixie!

The thing that
twists his noodle

is he can't figure out
whether he's just a bad shot,

or I'm really that quick.

Watch it, tubs.

You're going to
blow a blood vessel.

Leave my blood
vessels out of it!

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

This is troll country.

I wouldn't want you
to run into one.

Gretel?

Hansel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

Just when I thought I actually
made some real friends.

Fine.

Fine.

Maybe I'll find another
couple of lost children

who will appreciate my help.

Hansel?

You are the weakest link!

Goodbye!

Sandman!

I thought we'd
never see you again!

Oh, oh, ye have little faith.

Just ah-- Let me just ah--

let me get the lock.
OK.

Thank you, Sandman.

And, uh-huh.

Let's vamoose.

Come on.

All right.

This way, follow me.

Hold on.

Be a darling, would you?

Back off!

I know who you are, faerie girl.

Just--

What's wrong, Sandman?

Sandman?

As in sprinkle,
sprinkle, sleepy sleep?

I do kids, all right?

And the occasional troll.

Yeah, yeah, good job.

Could you possibly--

I don't trust anybody who,
uh, dates the Boogeyman.

What?

Who told you that?

We haven't been going
out for, like, hours.

I guess you boogie
oogie oogied till you

just couldn't boogie no more.

I am not that kind of faerie!

We just happened
not to get along.

Besides, he doesn't
use a handkerchief.

OK, good luck.

And I'm sure, once you get free,
you will find Mister Right.

Let's go, let's go.

We can't just leave her here.

HANSEL: Yeah, maybe
she can help us.

You know, two heads
are better than one.

So, uh, so somebody doesn't
like the job I'm doing?

No, no.

What he means is she
has faerie powers.

Maybe she can help us.

I'm pretty mean with the wand.

Maybe, um, maybe,
you have a point.

I just, uh--

OK.

Uh, you two wait outside.

We should speak.

We can wait.

This is strictly one
magical character to another,

you understand?

So, uh, OK?

Great.

OK.

First things first--
you can only use

your magic against the enemy.

On my honor as a member
of the Faerie Clan.

I am in charge here.

Aye, aye, captain.

And remember-- you are
bound by faerie code.

Right.

Faerie code.

Absolutely.

Whatever.

Can you please help me get
out of these bracelets?

OK.

There's that.

And--

Thank you.

Oh, you got, uh, that's, uh--

guess it's important
to accessorize.

Ooh.

That's nice.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Because-- whew!

You don't have
a clue where you are, do you?

What is with
all the questions?

I haven't had sleep in two days.

Do you mind?

And I happen to know
exactly where we are.

Well?

The magic forest.

On our way out, if you
want to get technical.

OK, Sandy, since you know
so much about the forest--

where's the thousand-year-old
twisting birch?

Easy.

Eh.

That way.

There is no thousand-year-old
twisting birch.

Are you purposely trying
to undermine my authority?

Listen, if we don't get these
kids something to eat soon,

they're going to
waste away to nothing.

So the sooner we get
them home, the sooner

they can get something to eat.

And I think it's about
time you were voted off.

Food!

Oh!

I can't walk another step.

I'm too hungry.

Come on, Gretel.

It won't be long now.

We'll be out of here soon.

You'll see.

Carry me, Sandman?

Me too.

No, it's, uh, this way.

Not too far now.

Come on.

I wouldn't go that
way, if I were you.

Excuse me?

Well, that way will just carry
you deeper into the forest.

I don't think so.

You are so in denial.

Psst.

Am not!

You so are!

Am not!

Yes, you are!

Am not!

Yes, you are.

Am not.

Am not, not, not--

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Not, not, not!

Oh, nice.

Dinner and a movie?

I like it.

Uh, hello?

Yoo-hoo!

Table for one!

I'm ready to place my order.

Yoo-hoo!

Hello?

I'll call back later.

Can I get a little service?

Waiter?

Waiter?

Not, not, not,
not, not, not, not--

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are!

That does it!

Ooh!

Ahh!

Let's go, light bulb.

You're joking, right?

Putting up your dukes!

You're frightened, huh?

Ha!

I'm a wood faerie.

And?

I'm a girl wood faerie.

You brought down
the thunder, baby.

I believe in equal rights for
men, women, and wood fairies.

Why I outta!

Can you smell what
the Sandman's cooking?

BOTH: Go faerie!

Go faerie!

Go faerie!
Go faerie!

Go faerie!

Go fairy!

Go faerie!

Oh, you're pinching.

You're kidding, right?

It doesn't say that.

Well, it might.

Come on, I'm just trying to
spice it up a little bit.

It's OK, daddy.

You were doing just fine.

Are you sure?

Not too scary?

It's actually pretty good.

OK.

OK.

Hm.

I'm fine.

That was nice.

I like that, the--

Thank you.

--the whole flip and the--

OK.

All right.

OK.

Oh, oh.

Maybe, uh, maybe L5, L6.

I don't-- a compressed disc.

But I'm-- I'm OK.

Oh, oh!

Not already.

What's up?

I have to go.

WOOD FAIRY: What about the kids?

I, I know--

I'll, I'll be back
as fast as I can,

and I will get you
out of this forest.

And I will get you breakfast.

I mean it!

Eggs, toast, waffles, bacon--

you name it.

Wild boar, pumpernickel bread,
Black Forest gateau with fries.

That's going to be a little
tough at the drive-thru.

Just gonna, uh--

off like-- ooh, it hurts--

off like a light,
into the night!

What now?

You two look exhausted.

I'll tell you what.

You two settle in
here for a little bit.

I'll buzz around and
see what I can find, OK?

I'll be back in a flash.

No pun intended.

Hurry back.

Closer, closer, closer now!

Maybe a little
breeze in the night

will help this tasty
meal on its way.

WOOD FAERIE: Hansel?

Gretel!

Help me!

The wood faerie!

She's in trouble!

She told us to wait here.

But she's in trouble!

Hansel!

Gretel!

We have to help her!

Gretel!

Gretel, wake up!

Where's the wood faerie?

I don't know.

Hey, Gretel.

Do you smell that?

Yes!

Two very hungry children
are feasting on my house.

Can you see us?

I am a little short-sighted.

But I can hear you and, more
importantly, I can smell you.

A boy and a girl.

What are your names?

I'm Gretel.

This is my brother, Hansel.

Hello.

Oh!

Oh.

There's lots more
where this comes from.

Wow!

Real food!

Please, help yourselves.

Thank you!

Oh, you're all skin and bone.

Here, come inside.

There's lots more to eat.

What are you thinking?

I'm not, my stomach is.

Something isn't right.

Oh, Gretel.

You're way too cautious.

She's just a sweet old lady with
a ton of food she needs eating.

Well, I guess you're right.

I mean, she can barely see us.

Exactly.

And when was the last time
we had this much to eat?

Try never.

Right.

So I say, we eat like
pigs, smile, eat some more.

Pack as much food
as we can carry,

say our thank you's, and
get out of this forest.

You with me?

WOMAN: Oh, look
what I just found!

A big pan-fried river trout,
wild boar, pumpernickel bread,

some Black Forest gateau.

Oh, and a side of fries!

Got any ketchup?

WOMAN: Come, hurry!

Gorge yourselves!

Feast!

Pig out until you oink!

Eat, feed, devour!

I love to hear little
children eating.

It makes me so, so--

oh!

Is it getting hot in here?

You just go ahead.

You eat as much as you like.

HANSEL: So good.

Here, have some.

Let's get the
show on the road.

Somewhere, someone has
an egg and a muffin

and a sausage on
the grill, and I'm

ready to place an order, kids!

Kids?

Hansel?

Gretel!

Hansel?

Gretel?

Daglo?

Hansel?

Great.

I spend a whole night
at work just to come

home to an empty forest.

OK.

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

Hello?

Well.

I thought I'd never say
this, but thank you.

What are you doing here,
and where are the kids?

Well, as soon as you checked
out for the night shift,

it turned into a
twister around here.

And I got separated
from the kids,

and then I got trapped
under this branch.

They still should be
where I left them.

Well, well, they're not.

Let's get looking.

If anything happened to
those children, I will--

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel!

SPEAKER : The
benefits of laughter.

It's no secret that
laughter makes you smile.

Well, guess what?

It also raises the
levels of chemicals

that have a positive effect
on your immune system.

So go ahead--

I asked for a lemon drop
martini, shaken not stirred,

and with sugar all the
way around the rim.

I finished the kitchen,
the bedroom, and bathroom.

Upstairs and down?

TROLL: Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, darling dearest.

And the wire hangers?

TROLL: All gone.

Good.

Now, fix me something to eat.

It's not fair.

I'm a ferocious troll.

This is my house.

What was that, my sweet?

No, nothing, darling dearest!

By the way, your card
is way over the limit.

I think you'd better
start thinking

about getting a real job.

We can't live on credit
forever, now, can we?

My stomach's gonna explode.

Wafer thin mints?

No.

Full up.

We should be going.

Huh?

I just don't think I can move.

It's getting dark out.

Well, of course you must go.

But the forest is no place at
night for two small children,

what with trolls and wolves, all
manner of creatures out there,

roaming the cold, dark unknown.

But, you know best.

I could pack you a doggy bag.

Or what if you stayed here
tonight, and in the morning

we'll have a big breakfast!

And then I'll take you to
the edge of the forest.

We can have eggs and
bacon, sausage, mushrooms,

French toast, the works.

But there's nowhere
for us to sleep.

Nonsense, child.

Look.

OK.

But right after
breakfast, we go.

Of course.

Goodnight, you
delicious young things.

HANSEL: Goodnight.

Sleep well, with full tummies.

GRETEL: Goodnight.

And dream of a
grand slam breakfast.

HANSEL: Remember, we eat,
then we bust a move, OK?

GRETEL: OK.

Hansel!

Gretel?

Ha- Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

They're gone.

Those poor kids,
I let them down.

What if the witch has them?

Don't be silly.

They're probably at home
right now, tucked up in bed.

No, they're not!

They're hopelessly lost and
starving, and, and wondering

why I abandoned them.

I was supposed to
help them, but I just

ended up making things worse.

Don't say that.

I just-- just--

I'm not a--

I'm not a mythic--

mythical archetype.

I'm just a-- just a
fairy tale character.

And not very good one.

Kids don't like me.

I mean, have you
ever met a kid that

actually wants to go to sleep?

Course not.

I hate myself.

I hate my job.

Sandman, it's nobody's fault.

Leave, leave me alone.

Don't.

Just go away into the forest,
so I can be by myself.

Hansel!

Hansel, wake up.

Wake up!

What's happening?

I don't know, but I'm scared.

Well, we are so out of here.

RAVEN: Uh, uh, uh.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

OK, keep on going.

I'm just trying to help.

Who is that?

Hey, kid, just leave the
window alone, all right?

Get back in bed.

Go to sleep.

Old girl doesn't take too
kindly to the main course

trying to make a run for it.

A talking raven.

Kid, you're in a magic forest.

Talking ravens?

We're a dime a dozen.

Don't leave.

The fun's just starting.

It tires me
unnecessarily to have

to chase down my next meal.

You're not going to eat us?

Oh, yes, indeed I am.

The main course bratwurst.

But first, we have to
supersize you a little bit.

Not as weak as I look, eh?

HANSEL: Hey!

Open the door!

Any funny business
from you, and--

HANSEL: Gretel, help!

Let me out of here!

Come along.

Emeril, eat your heart out.

Bam!

OK, shorty.

Show us what you've got.

But no Tex-Mex-- gives me
the most horrendous gas.

RAVEN: Oh, you got that right!

Watch it!

I'm not against seeing
raven on the menu.

All right, knock
yourself out, chef.

Sandman!

Sandman.

where'd you go?

I've got something that--

there you are.

What are you doing?

Putting myself
to sleep forever.

Will you cut that
out, you idiot?

I found them.

That's nice.

Nighty, night.

Will you wake up?

Did you hear what I said?

Is that you, mommy?

I said my prayers and I went
potty, just like you told me.

And now it's sleepy time.

Oh, that stinks!

That's-- I haven't
smelled anything like

that since I pulled a finger.

What is that?

What is--

Eau de trollette.

Can I just say one thing?

Ew!

Will you listen?

I found Hansel and Gretel,
but they're in trouble.

You found them?

Oh!

Oh, aye yi yi.

I'm sorry, I just, uh, I just--

did you say they're in trouble?

Yes!

And she cooks too.

Mm!

Good job.

Feeding time!

Put it in
the oven and boil them.

Hansel, don't eat so much!

Oh my word, you must have put
at least 60 pounds already!

Drizzled with sun
blush tomato juice.

HANSEL: I can't help it!

It all tastes so good!

I never knew you
were so talented.

Thank you.

I tried to blend
old-fashioned recipes

with modern-day seasonings
and Cordon bleu sensibilities.

What am I doing?

Once you're fat enough, it's--

HANSEL: Don't worry.

I've got a plan.

Like the rocks?

HANSEL: Trust me.

This one will work.

Hey!

Stop talking.

It burns too many calories.

Now, let me see your hand, here.

What's this?

What are you feeding him?

If this is some sort of low
fat, high carb, wacky diet

you've got him on, this
must change and fast.

I want twice the fat, twice
the sugar, and three times

the helpings!

I'm hungry.

It's all the talk about food.

Can I get a cookie?

I'm just getting
to the good part.

Wait for me, I'll
be back in a flash.

Grab me one, too, OK?

Lost my appetite.

Are you sure?

OK.

OK.

Yo, cutie pie.

HANSEL: What do you want?

Yo, to stop by
for a little chat.

HANSEL: Leave me alone.

Nice job fooling her
with the chicken bone.

Be a shame if someone
lets her in on the scam.

HANSEL: What do you mean?

Hey, kid, I'm family.

And family looks
after each other.

I'm just offering you a
little protection, that's all.

HANSEL: What?

Let's just say, pork chop,
you give me something I want,

then I make sure our little
secret stays between us.

Know what I mean?

HANSEL: Well, what
can I give you?

Hey, I'm not exactly the
best-fed bird in the hood.

And no matter how much you like
them, worms day after day--

just nasty.

Trust me, fool.

HANSEL: So?

You're not getting the
picture, are you, chunky?

Let me give some help.

From now on, I get 10%
of everything you get.

I get to go worm-free, and
you get a little extra time

before you make main course.

Everybody wins.

HANSEL: OK.

Listen up, boy.

You waltz on this deal,
and the witch will

be the least of your problems.

You got it?

All right, banquet
time, here we come!

Yeah.

Oh, man, this--
this is rabbit food!

What is this?

Honey butter glaze?

I remember asking
for blackish Cajun.

Hello?

Oh, "Designing Women."

Oh, I love that show.

I know I've been a bad troll,
but I'll change, I swear.

I've seen the errors of my ways.

Please, just, take her away.

HANSEL: Wild boar again?

Can't you make some pad
Thai noodles or jambalaya?

How about some Kung Pao chicken
with those crunchy noodles?

Oh, yeah.

Spicy.

HANSEL: Hey, and how
about a grande decaf

double frappe ultra--

Yeah, with cinnamon sprinkles.

HANSEL: How about
a glass of water?

Hey, jumbo.

The water?

Forget about it.

Witches hate water.

What?

You're telling me you haven't
seen the Wizard of Oz?

Look, kid, I like you.

I'm gonna take
you under my wing.

I got some inside
information for you.

Little bird told me a
secret about the old witch.

Oh, what?

What is it?

But I saw--

I think it'd be wise
to forget what you saw.

Clean it up!

You sure it was this way?

Come on, we don't
have much time.

Uh, please, I--

I just need a second
to catch my breath.

OK, but just a second.

I need to talk to
you about something.

I'm not actually a member of
any faerie clan, and the stuff

that I said about
you being voted off--

I don't mean it.

It's OK.

I, I deserved it.

I, uh, I was trying to
be somebody I'm not.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're my hero.

I mean, look at you!

Here you are, leading
us into horrible danger

and facing almost certain
death, and not even thinking

of a thing about yourself?

Well, maybe we shouldn't
just rush into this.

Maybe we should take some time,
and come up with a strategy,

and then we could--

you know, that way
we don't run in--

You are so funny.

I'm a--

I'm a-- I'm funny.

I'm a funny guy.

I'm a kidder.

I'm always kidding.

I was a class clown.

I was always-- let's,
let's, let's go.

Let's go get them.

Let's get them now!

Come on, wood faerie, let's go.

Where's the butterball?

Come over here, child.

Now!

Closer, closer.

Give me your hand.

HANSEL: Where's
the chicken bone?

Oops!

Your hand.

Give it to me.

Oh, time for the fava
beans and a nice Chianti.

GRETEL: Hansel?

WOMAN: Yummy,
yummy for my tummy.

You're beautiful, beauty.

When I saw this place,
I wasn't interested.

But when I saw this, I knew.

I just had to have it.

Children should be
eaten and not heard.

Well, I guess it's party time.

Beets.

Onions.

HANSEL: Gretel, can't
you see in the mirror?

She's a witch!

You gotta do something!

Don't let her eat me.

Look on the wall behind me.

Grab the mirror.

OK, now smash it!

Come on, Gretel, quick!

Smash it, smash it!

You did it, Gretel!

Now, get me out.

Hang on tight, kids.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

What do you mean?

I destroyed her!

Ugh, no!

You just destroyed her glamour.

Her what?

My disguise.

Ha ha!

Well, now that I'm
dressed for dinner,

perhaps we should
skip the appetizers

and move straight
to the main course.

Get that pot over
to the oven, girly.

I'll fetch the piglet.

Where are you, juicy boy?

HANSEL: Get away from
me, you nasty old hag!

I don't wanna get eaten.

Come on, Gretel!

Get me outta here!

Think of something, quick!

Miss Witch, Miss Witch?

What is it?

I think we have a problem.

What?

What is It?

He's too big.

He won't fit in the pot.

Oh, nonsense.

It's the biggest cauldron made!

I don't think so.

You have to be so stupid
to get a big enough pot

to go in the oven.

Really?

Oh, wait just a minute.

I see what you are doing.

Back it up, girly.

But I wouldn't--

Oh, yes, sure.

And bears don't show up
on my father's doorstep.

But--

Back off!

Back it up!

Back, ba-- I said back, back!

I said back it up!

See?

Perfect fit.

And quite comfy too.

Certainly is.

Hang on tight!

Bam!

Sandman!

Wood faerie!

But it's nighttime.

How can you be here?

I, uh, delegated.

Or--

Not a word to anyone, kid.

Lights out.

OK, everybody, let's go!

I'm with you.

Let's get out of here.

Nice shorts.

Not so fast, my pretty.

Get out!

Then what?

She's right.

We must stand together.

HANSEL: Gretel,
witches hate water!

The raven told me.

Uh, the wands.

Give me the wands.

You ready?

Kick the bucket, Sandman!

Oh no!

Not the water!

Oh-ya!

First, a house falls on
my sister, and now this!

Pretty good.

Wood faerie, take
Gretel, get her out.

I'll take care of Hansel.

OK.

Hey, Hansel?

OK, hey-- um, come on, Hansel.

HANSEL: I can't move.

I'm too fat.

Uh, not a problem.

All right, OK.

We're on a roll, and--

Strike!

You OK, Hansel?
- You OK?

- OK, buddy.
- Come on.

Help you up.

Hansel?

Gretel, is that you?

Father!

Father!

Is that really you?

Ah.

Father.

Hansel, what happened?

Oh, father.

We had this terrible
adventure, we did.

Stepmother, she took us
into the forest to lose us,

and we were trapped by a troll--

And this evil witch came
and, and tried to eat Hansel.

But Sandman and wood
faerie saved us.

Ahh.

It's true, father!

It's all really true.

Of course it is, Gretel.

Tell him!

Tell him it's all true.

But, it, uh, it won't
make a difference.

He can't see us.

No, no grown ups can see us.

We are just, uh, um--

Gretel, are you all right?

Ah, well, you two, come.

Let's go.

I've been looking for you
for days, worried sick.

Let's go home.

BOTH: What about stepmother?

Uh--

What on earth are you doing?

And where have you been?

There is a sink full of
dishes that needs washing.

What are you doing?

Something I should have done a
long time ago, darling dearest.

Oh, don't you
darling dearest me.

I've been sitting
in there all day

without a thing to eat or drink.

I could pass out at any moment.

I have low blood sugar.

Don't point your finger at me.

I said, don't point
your finger at me!

Excuse me, love birds.

I just need this.

Thank you!

No!

My locket!

Oh!

Oh, my ticket to the good life!

Troll, do something!

What?

What do you want me to do?

Out of my way!

Come back, you gold digger!

Please don't go.

Come back!

Bye-bye, darling dearest.

Well, I don't think
there will be anybody else.

At least, not right away.

But I have my daughter and my
son back, and that is enough,

yeah?

Well, it'll have to be.

We have no money.

Ah, but we will manage.

RAVEN: Heads up!

It's mother's locket!

Oh, thank you!

No, thank you.

Consider it payment for
smoking the old witch.

I have you now.

I'll be back!

Will I ever see you again?

In your dreams.

Go ahead.

Can we go home now?

Now we can go home.

Come.

"And they all lived
happily ever after.

The end."

ANDREW: That was a
pretty cool story, dad.

Yeah, I liked it too, honey.

Gretel was brave, wasn't she?

She was very brave.

OK, you two.

Time to sleep.

Goodnight, dad.

Goodnight, buddy.

There you go.

OK.

Daddy?

Hm?

You can turn the light out.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, you two.

Sleep tight, sweet dreams.

Always remember your
father loves you,

and your mother
would be very proud.

Trolls?

The Boogeyman?

Sandman?

Give me a break.

I liked it.

You are so six years old.

Hello.

I just, um, excuse me.

I just-- oh!

Let me just, oh!

There it is.

Just came back for this, because
somebody must have dropped it.

All right.
Well, that's--

Sorry.

I see fairy tale people.

You know, the witch
wanted to come along,

and then I, I thought, bad idea.

WITCH: I heard that!

Oh, shut up, you old witch!

You're all real.

Duh, of course we are.

Where do you think the Grimm
boys got their stories?

Wait a sec, you
didn't think they

just made them up, did you?

You mean to tell
me that you actually

knew the Grimm brothers?

Yeah, both sets.

You betcha.

Well, obviously, we were
a lot younger back then.

And the troll
even-- he had hair.

It's true.

I did.

Ha ha ha.
Look at that.

That's me.

I mean, those guys got
all their ideas from us,

and we never saw a penny.

No story rights, no
international sales,

merchandising, nada.

Zippo.

Nothing.

Come off it.

They're fairy tales,
made-up stories

to keep children in line.

Nobody actually
believes that stuff.

All right, then.

Sleep on it.

Are you ready?

Will you come
back tomorrow night?

Every night.

OK, boys.

And that goes for
everyone else too.

Nighty night.

Not!

Oh!

Well, talk about
your fixer upper.

Well, you know what they say.

Location, location, location.