Ham on Rye (2019) - full transcript

Tago Clearing Film Studio presents

in association with Omnes Films

Ham on Rye

Good morning!

What's up!

Bye Mom! Bye Dad!

Bye Uncle Joe!

Are we gonna be late?

Yeah

Well, that's the idea.

We don't want to rush a day we're gonna
remember "for the rest of our lives"



Is anyone else really stuffy in here?
Can we open a window or something?

I'm not stuffy at all.

Carl, get out.

Well, we should get going, right?

Hello, we want to be late

Right

Do we like this with my dress?

I think the guys will like it

Yeah, me too.

...how do you hit something four hundred and fifty feet
with a round bat against a round ball?

The field is a diamond, though.

Yeah...

But anyways, those guys are athletes.

They train year round, you know they're in great shape,



they run, they lift weights, I mean you have to be--

Trisha Marie!

Oh you're beautiful!

Picture!

Picture, Trisha Marie!

Beautiful! Beautiful, honey, beautiful!

Pictures pictures pictures!

-So pretty!
-Smile! Smile!

Oh if your uncle could see you now! Oh, I'm gonna cry!

Picture! Photo!

Show the teeth!

Oh, you're so beautiful.

Smile, girls! For Grandma!

For Grandma!

Here we go!

The dresses, the dresses, oh they're just beautiful

So pretty

Oh, they look just beautiful.

I'm gonna cry again, just beautiful.

I wish I was that young again!

Oh, honey!

Say "Monty's!"

Here we go!

-What up, dude?
-Yeah!

Yeah!

Let's go!

Hey, whoa whoa whoa, no milk in the car!

No milk in the car!

Yeah dude!

Here we go!

Hey, how are you, how are you?

Thank you so much.

You know, I was telling my boy

they don't really appreciate the opportunities
that they have today.

You know, when I was his age I was working three jobs.

You know what I mean?

But -- thank you so much! Really--

Okay... Alright...

Don't mess it up!

Don't mess it up!

Don't mess it up!

So... I was thinking

You know how you said porking is the ultimate purpose?

Well, what about the doctors
and nurses in the emergency room?

I mean... they give you a full recovery

Isn't that more important than hot action?

No

I really have to shit.

Then do it.

Uh, duh, where?

Like in one of these houses.

That's weird as fuck.

Isn't there a restroom at Monty's?

Oh yeah, you want her to go into Monty's
and have everyone smell her enormous crap?

You know what? Fuck it.

I cannot believe she just did that.

I hope they're not like freak murderers or something.

I mean, it looks like a nice house,
they're probably good people.

True

Wait wait wait, so hold on

you say that porking is the ultimate purpose
because it creates more human beings, right?

Yes, it's the purpose.

That's the whole point.

Right, so...

if that's the case, where does that leave, like

you know, gay people and bisexual people?

Do they have half a purpose or no purpose at all?

So Trish, I got to talk to you about something

What's up?

Uh, I've just been thinking about Monty's.

Okay...

Don't you think the whole thing is, like, a little bit weird?

Weird like what?

Uh, I don't know the whole thing
is just kind of strange, like...

if you think about it, it's just...

It just makes me kind of uncomfortable.

But don't you love the food there?

Yeah, I love the food at Monty's.

Me too.

One time I got third place, I'm going:

"You're giving first place to a Ford Galaxy?

That puts the 'b' in 'boring' when it comes to a car.

I've got an aqua blue Barracuda convertible,
I'm not even placing?"

It's just stupid.

But, you know, it's a lot of fun,
although I always come back with indigestion

you know, and the wife hates me for it

so I take an Alka Seltzer for it or something
just to get my stomach to stop

making all these noises...

Gwen,

I'm so good.

Life is so good.

Honestly, everything is so good.

Love, your sister Amy

She sent you that?

She has the handwriting of your mom,
it's like old person handwriting.

Well she is older.

Wow, being older is, like...

really good.

Well... soon enough we'll be too.

Some of us are close to seventeen.

Uh, when did you get it? The card?

Um, apparently it came like a week ago,
but my mom gave it to me like yesterday.

What?

Can I see the back?

Can you read it again?

Gwen,

I'm so good.

Life is so good.

Honestly, everything is so good.

Love, your sister Amy

Haley, can I see your corsage for a second?

Uh, sure.

Oh, it looks so good on you.

Thank you, I feel like you're too pale for it.

Hey, shut up!

Hey, uh...

Do you guys think we're gonna be like Amy?

Like... happy?

No, like...

where do you think we'll go?

You think too much.

I'm being serious.

Yeah, me too.

I have an idea.

Instead of thinking too much you can listen
to like a song in your head or something.

Right

I'll help.

My aunt moved out to the country.

She had her kids there and stopped working.

I would too, though. Who wants to live here?

She just, like, cooks all day.

That must be nice.

Yeah

Kind of boring, though.

Yeah, I'd want to go traveling somewhere every once in a while.

I don't know where I want to go.

Maybe...

the midwest?

Really?

How boring.

Well... open land is nice.

Oh, did you guys hear? They painted
the hands on Monty's sign green.

I heard that.

Oh my gosh, do you guys think David's going to show up?

I hope not!

I think he actually likes you though.

-Oh my gosh, yes!
-Deject him!

Son...

when I was your age...

around forty years ago today...

I thought a person couldn't be too eager.

I wanted it all, I tried...

No one tried harder than I did.

Well, we talked about it enough...

Talking's over. Now it's time to act.

Go get 'em, kiddo.

This is not good.

It's not good.

It's fine.

We're across the street.

We're so close.

-This is not good.
-It's not good.

It looks like a panic attack.

-It's not a panic attack.
-I think it's a panic attack.

It's a panic attack.
Artie, get him water or something.

Look, I don't know, just do something.

We've been walking for three miles.
It's fatigue, trust me.

That doesn't change the fact that it
still looks like he's having a panic attack.

Maybe we should carry him.
How much does he weigh?

Hey, buddy!

Hey, Jim!

Buddy...

Brother...

You look good.

Yeah, how's your fatigue?

I didn't have any, I was like "Is this even reality?"

It's not like mustard and ke--

it's like two separate lines on the hot dog--
it's like how do you do that?

I didn't know if it was gonna be cold out

because I've never been here before, so just to be prepared...

Dude!

Dude!

I cannot believe you said that about Janitza!

Is it true?

She's gonna go crazy.

She's gonna lose it.

I'm stoked

This is gonna be intense,
this is gonna be super intense.

Are we videotaping this?

Yeah, dude, we'll videotape the
whole thing, we'll frame it nicely

and then as soon as those fists
start flying, boom boom boom

It's gonna be awesome.

I want to get right in there on the action.

I'm so happy I'm gonna
get away from her this summer.

Yeah, she finally stopped giving
so much homework, though.

That's good.

I mean... I wouldn't say that

In my class we got so much homework.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, it was ridiculous.

Like the past two months, I've just--

Wait...

Where'd you get that?

Oh, I'm sorry do you want some?

Uh, hi

Hi

Uh, I'm not--

I don't know how to really word this, but um...

Do you know Jamie?

Sure

Yeah, okay. Uh...

He's been saying some...

pretty messed up shit about you.

I don't know if you care or not.

When they invented mathematics...

they took a picture of the sky...

and they flipped it around

and they had sponges back then

so they put a sponge right on the middle of the picture

and it expanded.

And that's--

That's the beginning of everything.

I think I heard somebody tell me that.

It just got bigger and bigger?

And that's actually how they invented the vacuum, too.

Okay

Okay

-Okay okay
-Okay

Hey

What's up?

I'm Nick, this is Nicholas.

We live just off Maple Avenue.

Hey, I'm Gwen

It's a pleasure

You eating anything good?

-Ham on rye
-Just a reuben

Cool, cool

I noticed your dress

You did?

It's a good dress

Thanks

What about my dress?

It's also a good dress

I feel bad.

Yup

Well... it's only a mile walk back.

Yeah and he seemed fine when we left him.

Relatively.

Yeah, and it's only like walking to his house.

He's not in any danger or anything.

It's only a mile and a half

More like a mile and a quarter?

Yeah

...gluten, it's very bad for you.

Some people can't tolerate it. It also has many negative health effects.

I also do not do dairy

the barbaric way they treat their cows, I can't be a part of that

although if you do do cheese, please keep it at a minimum

But eggs, please do not prepare my food anywhere near eggs

Eggs come from chickens, and chickens
are kept in overcrowded henhouses

Yeah, okay...

Let me see if I can get that for you, alright?

Can you just get a--

Yeah, I'm on it, don't worry about it

Mr. Monty?

The grinder's still busted.

How do you want the ham?

You know I hate working today, right?

Funny

I don't see you working.

Right now you're just standing there.

You know

I think I'm starting to get it.

What everyone was talking about?

Everything just feels...

nice. I feel like I'm where I belong.

It just feels like...

everything's exactly where it needs to be.

What's your name?

Hey Gwen, um...

sorry for...

leaving Monty's

I know that was kind of sudden

I should have said something.

But, yeah...

Call me back

Thanks

Katie, hey

it's Haley

Just wondering where you are

Call me back if you can

Bye

Hey honey

Yeah

What?

I don't know, I mean what can I say, I mean...

He fell.

He fell in a pothole.

Yeah

Yep

Yes

It's broken.

The fibular

The fibular!

What?

No... no

Nope, he uh...

No, he did not even get there.

He didn't make it.

I see you

Where's the top of his hat?

Hey cheer up, man.

Cheer up?

He shouldn't think about it.

That's what I do.

I was just like "I'm not gonna think about this."

And I'm still not.

That's nice, Garth.

Yeah

That's what you should do, Sloan.

Yeah

Look man...

It sucks and like...

you can let it suck or...

you can not let it suck.

Or something.

Yeah, man.

I got half price on radiated last month.

You should come down.

I'm happy, you know that?

Why did you do that?

There were flies on it.

Earlier.

So how's everybody been sleeping?

Two, please.

Do I get a second chance?

What's up with this guy?

You still working at Monty's?

That's a little masochistic, isn't it?

Chill out, Snake.

What the hell's wrong with you?

We can't see it

but

if you get a really good microscope

and you look really hard

you still can't see it.

I was twenty years old when I saw my first...

oyster.

Oysters make pearls.

Pearls go on necklaces.

Ritzy boys and girls wear necklaces.

They sell necklaces at jewelers.

Jewelers occupy shopping districts.

Shopping districts are occasionally...

converted into malls.

My uncle owns a mall.

I don't like my uncle.

I have an idea

Let's call your brother at BAU.

Wouldn't you like to hear from your brother?

Hello?

Daniel!

Daniel, it's me, Dad.

I went by the campus, and I didn't see you.

Hi Dad

We're all here having dinner.

What?

We're all here having dinner.

Haley's here.

She's gonna be

sticking around.

Haley's there?

How's college, Daniel?

It's good, I'm just sitting.

You're just--

You're just what?

Hello?

Is he wearing his coat?

Daniel, are you wearing your coat?

Yes

We got Haley a fishtank for her birthday.

Why don't you tell her about your experience with college?

What was that?

Are you there, Daniel?

I really can't hear you.

Alright, well it was good to hear from you Daniel.

Buh-bye.

Hey, it's me Trish, but you probably knew that.

Leave me a voicemail and I'll get back to you whenever.

Bye!

Hey, Trish

it's Haley

Could you call me back or something? I just...

I don't know why you're not getting any of these, so...

Yeah, thanks.

Gwen?

Are you here?

Hello?

Gary!

Gary!

Gary!