Ham and Chips (1977) - full transcript

Ham from the Ardennes
(1977)

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!
Had a nice trip?

Back in the bus!
- You have booked here!

It isn't here.
- Yes, it is.

Back in the bus, everybody!
It's across the road.

It's always for the "Esplanade"!
Always for the Pougins.

Pretty soon we'll be on the dole!
H?tel des Roches... Le Sanglier...

Your Alcarazas and my "friture"!

What's our touring agency doing
in the meantime?

She must have paid them!

She builds a snack-bar,
without a license!



And I've been waiting 5 years
for a terrace!

Better look out, Hubert!
She'll ruin all of you!

Yes indeed, we'd better look out!

We had a reservation,
and we've been waiting an hour...

You'll be better on the terrace.
- Think so?

Yes, a bus arrived unexpectedly.
Excuse me.

There's a nice corner.
Enjoy your dinner!

We've been waiting for an hour!
- Miss, our bill, please.

One extra chips! Six at 225
and four at 350!

Andr?e! The cauliflower!

I'm always doing someone else's job!

3 chips, 2 croquettes, 2 x 2 chips!

4 pancakes, 2 "norv?giennes"...

Calm down!



And 4 cappuccinos!

Three at 225... Six marengos...
and 4 pancakes... terrace!

No pancakes before 4 o'clock!

We don't have time! They'll be back!

What's the delay?
- We have no time!

And the garbage remains here!

The holidays start in two weeks!

Help me carry out the garbage!

Not so thick! You'll ruin us!

Speed it up!

Where's Michel?
- Upstairs, ma'am.

Making up the beds with Josette.

Quit screwing there!
The tourists are waiting.

Not a moment of peace!

Andr?e, those trouts...

Six at 225 and four at 350!

I'm alive and kicking, eh, Josette?

What about my b?arnaise?

Look out, Fatty! I'll brain you!

I'll make mincemeat of you!

Get to work on your potatoes!
Do your work, pudding face!

I'll bust the whole joint, dammit!

What's going on?

What's going on?!
Can't you hear me?

Your work! And no dawdling!

Sluggard!

Sluggard?

There's only one sluggard here...
Her sonny!

As for us, no Monday,
no Tuesday, no Wednesday,

no Thursday, Friday, Saturday
or Sunday!

No week-end, no holidays...
There's no end to it!

Oh, there you are! Splendid!
And you're working!

You could do that a little more often!

The last! Three at 225, two melbas
and two coffees.

And now that!
- Stop groaning!

And what's this?
- For Michel.

For Michel... Michel...

I can't help it if I'm more erotic
than you!

Come and eat.

Pork chops and sweet peas.

The rooms always tire you out, eh?

Would you repeat what you just said?

That Bruno's right...
That we're being swindled!

You're so quiet, Michel.
Liven up things a little!

As long as he can gobble,
he's not dangerous.

We're real sluts!

Are you crazy?

Shut up.
- They hear you all over the place!

Shut up, I said!

What did you say? Out!

Damn... my drawers!

I've got it, boys!

Colette, what are you doing?

Stop it or I'll scream!
- Now listen...

Where is everybody?

Where are you?

They've pinched all our clothes!

Thank you... Everybody was pleased.

Here's for the staff
and see you on the 18th.

Let's see a strip-tease, boy!

Hey! Tips have to be shared!

Look underneath the pillows.
- There's nothing there!

It isn't the fat of the land!
Keep your paws to yourself!

Ready with those potatoes?

Josette, clear the table, will you?

Wies, first your pans!
- Yes, dog... thank you, dog.

Old creep!

Are you helping us today, Bruno?

These bloody garbage cans!

Carrying them about
the whole day long!

Colette will be an hour later.

She first has to cut chips!

Now he's exaggerating! Wait!

Bunch of sods! Damn you all!

This is positively disgusting!

Just call your boss, Miss!

The boss! This meat tastes of fish!

Definitely! Call your boss!

Listen, sir.

This is enough of your complaining!

You don't like it here? Go elsewhere!

Madam, your meat tastes of cod!

Cod?! Get out, sir!

This is outrageous!
- Get out, I said!

But it tastes of cod!

But you're getting out!

And you'll pay first!

And if you're still hungry,
you have a nice friture over there!

This is unheard of!
- Yes sir, that's how we are!

Off you go!
The friture to your right.

Cod! That fellow's crazy!

You dummy! That's sabotage!

Well? On with your work.

That's done it, Hubert!
- So you got the message?

You've been very patient!
- What's on?

He has left. At last!
I have a proposition.

Come and work for us.
You know our place.

I need a chef.
Not too much work, and pleasant...

That's talking, Hubert.

"Friture"! Hers is a pigsty!
She bawls out her personnel like dogs!

With or without mayonnaise?
It's all the same for me!

You say it. Mayonnaise? All right.

The customer is king!

Here, for twelve.

Extra helping. Four at 225!

Three steak, two trout!

Andr?e, two cauliflower, three salad!

Everything all right?

We're a fine team, now aren't we?

You haven't seen Bruno?
Where's Bruno?

Bruno! The chef has cleared out!

What about Colette?
- She can't come now.

Too much work.

I've plenty of work too.
- What shall we tell her?

I'll wait till four, not longer.

Bruno will only wait till four.

I can't. I've got to work.

I can't leave.

What do we tell him?

I'll get to him later.

Bruno's still waiting.
- You don't say so!

Come, we'll pinch his car.

Well, damn it all! Those morons!

You see, there's a new chef.

Sit down, I have something for you.

Want some meat?

It's a little stale already...
Some "witloof'?

Are you coming to help, tomorrow?

You want the keys of the car,
you just ask them.

Mind your manners, you bastard!
Who do you think you are?

I'm stronger, you jerk!
- I don't care a damn!

Crazy! Fighting for a chick!

I hear your daughter's courting?

Not at all! That's just tittle-tattle!

If ever she consorts with that boy

she'll never set foot in my house again!

And that mother of his,
I'm not afraid of her!

Shortly: Opening of the Snack-bar,
the "Esplanade"

So we're agreed, Ren??
We'll leave it at that?

There's Ren? and Mimile!

How's your love life?

Josette! 4 hors-d'oeuvre
8 tomatoes and shrimps.

These are mine, dammit!
Marcel, chips!

Boss, you could work once in a while!

What's going on?
Are you off your rocker?

It's had it!

Not at all! Repair it
or you'll peel it by hand.

You'd let them work with that
broken-down thing?

That machine will have to do
and that's final!

She can afford to pay for a building,
not for a mixer!

Marcel, that's no way to work!

We don't need a snack-bar!
You're working them like slaves!

Good boy! That's fine!

Drop dead, you bitch!

Colette, underneath!
These sausages underneath!

I'm leaving and I'm taking you with me!

Leave my daughter alone!
We work here!

Run along home.
Don't you hear me?

To your mother!
- None of your dirty tricks here!

Must you be nasty because you're old?
- Fuck off, I said!

Run along home to your mommy!

Colette!

It's me, your fat Lulu.

Your mother was in quite a huff.

Now, be good.

You were right!

I'd have given him a whacking
a long time ago

and his mother too, that bitch!

She soft soaps the bus drivers
to get customers.

Yes, you're right.
- You did well to throw him out.

You can always find the like of him, girl.

They come by dozens!

A little shit like that son of hers!

You're better off without!

Good for showing off, that's all!

You gave him a good lesson!

She must be raving mad
that slut with her little boy!

Everything all right?

I know, youth today slips off
into the woods,

swallows a pill and then has a quickie.

And you think that's the real thing?

No! You believe me.

It isn't money that counts,
but a man who loves you.

Did he give you presents?

Don't worry, I can fix that.

Men aren't difficult to get

if you know how to go about it.

Hurry up!
Come on, they've seen us.

Hurry up!

Bruno, come here!

Does it still hurt?
- No.

I can remove the bandage.
- Let me see that...

Your mother packs a wallop!

I'm freezing here!

Listen.

Go ahead!

5 minutes... Just 5 minutes!

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving, do you hear?
- Go to hell!

But first, I want
what my father left me.

If you put that into his head
I'll crush you all!

I don't want any money from that hag!

Four at 225... Two cutlets...

Looks like a funeral party...
Have a beer, Lulu?

So they're out to get me...

Lulu, three proven?ale,
two b?arnaise!

Have a beer?
No, you prefer cognac.

What are you standing there for?

You want a beer?

That's a good one for you, Michel.
So everyone's provided for!

And vive I'amour!

Bruno, Michel...
Andr?e and William...

Marcel and Lulu, eh?
And Pierrot for... Josette, right?

Vive I'amour, and let's all kiss!

Who wants cognac?

Beer? All right, pass it along!

And four steak!

You, stay in your place!

My life is my life!

So now she's fooling around with
a married man!

Just anybody will do...

Do you approve of that?

She's a bitch!

It's debauchery, that's what it is!

That's no longer freedom!
I call that whoredom!

And that's the proprietress for you!
With the kitchen help,

waiters and waitresses!

Kissing all around... carrying on!

Black pudding for twelve.

Oh, dear, my "gratin"!
- What do I care! I want my pork chops!

My trout!

What's this gratin?

What about my pies!

Josette, my hors-d'oeuvre!

It's a sad thing...

That'll do! I can't stand toadies!

So our Madam has her problems...
So what?

Everybody has problems... My salad.

You're shooting off your mouth!

Salad, dammit.
- Here, you nut!

That's enough now! Shut up!

Shut up yourself, you old fool!

Stop this!
- And what's this?

We work too much, here.
It's driving us nuts.

If we're not good enough,
she can stay with them!

We used to be a good team, weren't we?

All this bickering...
it's all the fault of that boy!

Yes, Bruno, that greenhorn!

We ought to teach him a lesson!

We can't leave it at that.

There's no solidarity among
the young ones.

I have an idea.

Bruno, your potatoes!

They'll be sorry for that!

It's an outright scandal!

You, sir, who are neutral,
what do you say?

We're only simple working folk
but we're honest!

And I'll tell you one thing:

Ill-gotten gains seldom prosper.

There they come... Look.

Oh, thank God!

All in all, he's a nice boy.

I had him wrong.
Yes... Tell him I forgive him.

Go inside, you're not well.
- Yes, go along with her.

That's a jolly good idea, boys!

One beer!

Dammit! They took away
the whole caboodle!

When they can get something free...

Bruno, have you seen your mother?

That'll do! I want my tables
and chairs back!

They're also Bruno's!
- What's that?

And now, trout meuni?re...

Nobody's hurt?
- Call the police!

There's no police, here.

I've better than that!

That's enough of this!

Well, Hubert, shall we go?

Let's take action!

Hurry up!

Stop working and come along,
all of you.

Come on... Are you deaf?

Now, where's the boss?

You still deign to come here?

Shut up! You're only her pimp!

And now, be good... or else...

You just try!
- Then what?

I'll throw you out!
- Bust the joint up!

That's it, then they all can go
on the dole!

Bitch!

Well, is she coming or isn't she?

Did Bruno send you?

It's a shame! My "friture"!

What about my windows, my tables?

What's going on here?
- I wish I knew!

Get out, all of you!

No, we're customers!

No more quarter!
I grab my rifle and I shoot!

Does everybody have a drink?

A drink for the lady, here...

Cheerio, Radoux!

Got him! And a big one, too!
A damn bull's eye!

Are you off your rocker?
- I had to do it.

Don't worry! He only got winged!

Wieske, a glass of water! Hurry!

Come on, let's not waste time.

Make spaghetti and preserves.
I'll be back.

Bruno, give us a little music!

Are you standing drinks now?

Go and serve them...

You have a look in the kitchen.

Germaine, are you on their side now?

The boss couldn't care less!

What about drinks all around?

Come on, boys, let's drink!

A little quiet, eh?
- Help yourselves from the cellar!

No, you'll all be served!

Colette, you do something too!

You'll wash the dishes, I suppose?

Here you are.

That's all.

Now's the time to prove
you're a man.

You shouldn't give up now!

You've got to assume
your responsibilities!

Calm the people, give them food.

Hors-d'oeuvre...

Well, boy, what are your orders?

Not too tiring, eh?

Bruno's going to fry the chips.

All of you, to the kitchen!
If you're hungry, go and get it yourself.

Empty the cellar!

I told you you would be served!

That's enough! Let's buzz off!

I'm fed up!

There's plenty for everybody!

People are getting killed
and you have fun?

Want to get rid of your daughter?
- That's the new boss!

It's a shame,
but heaven will punish you!

I've had my bellyful!
- Have a look at yourself!

Bastards, all of them!

Just ask the other hotels...
- They're all alike!

Slave-drivers, all of them!
60 hours per week!

Another bottle here!

And nice, creamy soup!