Half a Sixpence (1967) - full transcript

Arthur Kipps, an orphan apprenticed to a tyrannical owner of a mercantile, has a sudden abrupt change of life when his wealthy grandfather dies and leaves him a pile of money.

- Tie.
- No, I won.

But you don't run bad
for a girl.

Hey, look.

- Here, a new sixpence.
- I saw it first.

It's mine. I want to keep it.

How can you? You're only a girl.
No pockets.

I'd like to go for a row, Artie.

I can't. I'll be late,
and old Woodrow will kill me.

Come on, Artie.
It would be gorgeous.

Kipps, come up here,
you little beggar.

Now I'm in for it.

Cor, I'm gonna get a hiding.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Now, then. Fine start you've made,
late on your first day.

Just like you,
you scruffy little waif.

Blessing for me that after today
you'll belong to Mr Edwin Shalford.

Now, you others. Back indoors,
back indoors. Go on, go on.

Well, off you go, Kipps.

Pick up your things.

- Goodbye, Ann. I'll write.
- I'll write too, Artie. Every day.

- I'll miss you, Artie.
- I'll miss you, Ann.

Never forget you.

Ann, I have something
very important to tell you.

Come on, boy. Hurry up.
We can't wait all day.

Sit down, boy.
We've got a long ride.

- Take care of our sixpence.
- I will.

Don't forget to write, Artie.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Shalfords Emporium. Your home
for the next seven years, boy.

- Cor, it's big.
- Get a move on.

Thanks for the ride.

And you watch your step
with that Mr Shalford.

From what I hear, he eats
little boys like you alive.

I'm not frightened.

Kipps! My heart and liver,
I've never seen such a boy.

I'm gonna work you
till your feet wear out.

- I mean to get value for me charity.
- Yes, sir.

System. Efficiency. Economy!

Go on. Get a move on.

Morning, Edwin.


Come on.

Wake up. Oi!

Some people aren't pulling their
weight here, and you're one of them.

You caught no mice again,
have you?

You know our trouble, Edwin?

We're a couple of scruffy orphans
with no use to anyone but old Shalford.

- Morning, Sid.
- Morning.

Good morning, Bugs.

- What's good about it?
- Nothing's good about it.

And it's all the fault of capitalism.
Charlie Marx has got the right idea.

- A lot of good he is in Russia.
- Well, what about Glasgow?

The workers struck in Glasgow,
and they got an extra fourpence a day.

Yes, but they haven't got
a Shalford in Glasgow.

They're lucky.

- Morning, Pearce.
- Morning, Kipps.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

- Come here.
- What?

- I had a smashing dream last night.
- Yeah?

I danced all night
with a lovely chorus girl.

- And all she was wearing...
- Shut up.

You have the same dream every night.
Never gets you nowhere.

- Where do your dreams get you?
- Nowhere now.

But come the revolution...

I can't wait that long.
We're in a blessed drainpipe,

and we're gonna
crawl along it till we die.

You'll find us blokes everywhere.
All drapers, us, in 20 years' time.

Trumps. Beggars.
Lavatory attendants.

Yeah, no savings,
no pensions, nothing.

They got us just
where they want us.

Look, there it is, mate,
in three words.

- Efficiency.
- System.

- Economy.
- Tea.

- Tea?
- Remember the rules, Kipps.

There will be no making of tea
or any other beverages,

except at specified times.

- Penalty for disobeying this rule?
- One penny!

Under no circumstances will gas
be used for meals or lighting

after 9:00 at night.

- Fine for disregarding this rule?
- Threepence!

- Fine for disobeying any or all fines?
- Fourpence!

- If I have to look at those rules one...
- And remember at all times:


Our wage each week
ls a long time coming

All in the cause of economy

The gas pipes leak
And there ain't no plumbing

All in the cause of economy

There's hundreds of rules
We must all obey

But each time we break one
It makes his day

Because it gives him a chance
To dock our pay

All in the cause of economy

He gives us tea
But it's halved and quartered

All in the cause of economy

The beer is free
But the beer is watered

All in the cause of economy

At mealtime we sit down
And say our prayer

We pray for some steak
That is nice and rare

Because the steak is so rare
It's rarely there

All in the cause of economy

Shalford has a way
Of saving money on his old emporium

All in the cause of economy

We've earned a raise
But we don't get any

All in the cause of economy

In winter we perish
To save his coal

And even on Sunday
He takes his toll

When he sends us to church

To save his soul




Efficiency, economy, system!

- He buys things low
- And he ups the prices

All in the cause of economy

He's pure as snow
Because he's got no vices

All in the cause of economy

And as for his missus
From what one hears

She sits all alone there
In floods of tears

Because she ain't had a kiss

In 40 years

All in the cause
All in the cause

All in the cause of economy

All right, all right.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good morning.

Who's that from?
As if we didn't know.

- Does she ever run out of ink?
- Never lets me down.

- Morning, Flo.
- Morning, ugly.

Morning, girls.

- How's it going, Vicky?
- Leave off, saucy.

- How are you feeling, cheerful?
- Awful. I didn't sleep a wink.

- Dreaming of me?
- Indigestion.

- Here he comes!
- Here he comes!

Good morning, Mr Shalford.

Too many curls.

Takes the customers' minds
off the merchandise.

Lace your stays tighter.

None of that socialist muck
in my emporium.

You reek of eau de cologne.

- Kipps?
- Mr Shalford?

- What's the golden rule?
- Efficiency, sir.

- And what then?
- Efficiency, system, economy, sir.

And don't you forget it.

- Particularly economy.
- Oh, no, sir. I won't, sir.

- Fat chance I'll get.
- Carshott.

Take your spectacles off your forehead
and keep your eyes on my books.

Yes, sir.


- Oh, I say!
- What is it?

It's Ann! She's here!

- I thought she was in London.
- So she was, but look.

The lady she works for has moved
here, and Ann's moved with her.

- She wants me to meet her tonight.
- Fancy!

- What time, then?
- Seven o'clock.

- Seven o'clock. That's now.
- Yeah.

I got an appointment.

- Get ready!
- You ought to wash your neck.

- Here's a penny.
- Give us your arm.

How are you gonna recognize her?

On the promenade,
lamppost number six.

I'll recognize her anywhere.

- I think.
- What if she's changed?

- I mean, gone to fat.
- Or got spots?

I should go careful if I were you.

I don't care. I'll see her anyway.

Well, go on then.

- Well, go on then!
- Good luck.

- Be brave.
- I'll lock up.





- You've grown up very nice.
- Have I?

Yeah, you have too.
Well, you... You're tall.

Well, taller than me, anyway.

Thanks for writing.

- I got all your letters.
- I got yours too.

I kept them.
Read them over and over.

I keep them locked away.

Artie... Artie, who's Flo?

The one you're always
writing about.

- Sundays on the beach and that?
- Do I?

Oh, she's nothing.

What I mean is, she's...Sid's girl.

- It's all right then.
- Were you jealous?

I mean...

...there's no one else.

There never has been.

Guess the lady's weight, sir?

Halfpenny if I do. If I don't, soot-free.

- Shall I?
- Go on, then.

- Excuse me, Mister.
- Oh, no offense, sir.

I'm only calculating.

I should say the little lady is a trim
7 stone 12.

That's what I should say.

UP you go, dear.

Joe Harper's never wrong.

You're very good.

Wow. Uncanny, that's what that is.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Miss.

He didn't have to be so familiar.

Oh, Artie, he was only calculating.

He didn't mean any harm.

- He didn't...
- Well, don't let's argue about it.

Well, say, Ann?


Will you be my girl?

I wouldn't mind.

All right then.

You are.

What happens now?

Well, we ought to make it regular.
Do it proper.

- What do you mean?
- Well, exchange tokens or something.

What's "tokens"?


Oh, Artie.

- Is that our sixpence?
- I had the blacksmith rip it apart.

I don't know what for.

You keep half, I keep half.
When we're separated...

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere. If we're ever apart,

you look at your half,
and I look at mine...

...and we think of each other.

That's nice.


Can I kiss you?

Kissing's soft.

Artie, where did you find out
about these tokens?

I read in the Sunday papers
What lovers' tokens are

There's amulets and there's talismans
Like a ring or a lucky star

It says that half a sovereign
ls a thing they use a lot

But sixpence is
The only thing I've got

Still, half a sixpence
ls better than half a penny

ls better than half a farthing
ls better than none

It's a token of
Our eternal love

When you're far away
Touch it every day

And though that half a sixpence
Can only mean half a romance

Remember that half a romance
ls better than none

But when I'm with you
One and one make two

And likewise two half sixpences
Joined together make one

Artie, a lovely idea.

Half a sixpence
ls better than half a...

- Shilling?
- No.

- Is better than half a...
- Penny.

Is better than none

- It's a token of
- It's a token of

- Our eternal love
- Our eternal love

- When you're far away
- When you're far away

Touch it every day

- And though that half a sixpence
- Yeah?

Can only mean half a romance

- Remember that half a romance
- Well?

Is better than none

And likewise two half sixpences

Joined together make

A token of

Eternal love

When you're far away

Touch it every day

And though that half a sixpence
Can only mean half a romance

Remember that half a romance
ls better than none

But when I'm with you
One and one make two

And likewise two half sixpences

Joined together make

Joined together make

Two half sixpences
Joined together make one

Getting warmer, Mrs Walsingham.

I've some fine new summer materials
coming down from London.

Now, I hope you'll get
dotted swiss.

Mother looks ripping
in dotted swiss.

I'm afraid my dear boy
is a little prejudiced.

Oh, by the way, Hubert,

did you tell Mr Shalford about
the new project at the town hall?

Yes, the Young Working
Person's Association,

to keep young people
off the streets.

We've started courses in woodwork
and pottery, that sort of thing.

- Very useful.
- Indeed, it is.

My daughter, Helen, is already
teaching a class.

Maybe some of your apprentices
would volunteer.

I'm sure they would.

You see? Young Kipps
has just volunteered.


- Very well, then. Eight o'clock.
- He'll be there.

Good day, Shalford.

Very wise of you to volunteer

for Mrs Walsingham's
woodworking class tonight.

Me, sir? How'd I do that, sir?

You signaled me from the window.
Sound business sense, that.

Mrs Walsingham's one of our best
customers. She has an account.

- I can't, sir. I've got an appointment.
- Cancel it.

- We got no rules about woodworking.
- You have now.

Eight o'clock, the town hall.


- Night, Artie.
- Night.

Night, Artie. Won't forget
to lock up, will you?

- Good.
- Good night, Artie.

You're seeing your girl tonight,
aren't you?

Yeah, I was. But after this
I gotta go woodworking.

- Go what?
- Woodworking.

Old Shalford volunteered me.

If you see her, she's at the sixth
lamppost on the promenade.

She's a little thing.
Very pretty.

- All right.
- No spots.

Lucky beggars.

Come on, Edwin.

At least someone's
going out tonight.

Go on! And don't be late!

Oh, out of control!

- Am I in time to buy knickerbockers?
- We're shut.

You aren't hurt, are you, matey?

You did give me a bit of a onner
in the back.

Those handles, they're too low.
And when I turn, if I don't remember...

I'm into something. I was coming
down the hill at a whop.

Backpedaling for all I'm worth.
Not that I'm worth much.

- Yes, well, cycling knickerbockers...
- Oh, blow knickerbockers.

It's time I did something about you.
You took that biff like a gent.

The name is Chitterlow.

"Harry" to you.

"Harry" to everybody.
From Lily Langtry to Sir Henry.

- Sir Henry?
- Sir Henry Irving.

The great actor/manager, old H.l.

Everyone knows me.
I'm an actor, you see.

- And a playwright.
- Really?

Not that I've had any done,
but you wait.

One's coming that will make
your hair stand up.

Pleased to meet you. I've never
met an actor. Or a playwright.

Come to think of it,
I've never even seen a play.

My dear chap. Have you never even
seen The Second Mrs Tanqueray?

I haven't seen the first.

And what about the last act
of The Lyon's Mail?

Nabbed! Nabbed at last.
But they shan't take me cheap.

Have you seen Sir Henry
in The Bells?

The bells, the bells.

- I hear nothing.
- What?

'Tis but a jangling in my ears.

I have him now. I have him!

The bells, the bells.

He comes. He... He comes.

I have him now.

Here, where are you going?

To the lime kiln.

Well, you can't just take that...

- Look, look.
- Where, where?

Those eyes. Those eyes!
How he glares at me.

That's the dream scene.

What says the clock?
The theater calls.

You come with me, and I'll treat you
to a noggin of the old Methuselah.

I say, your costume is rather awry.
Never mind, we'll settle it in a jiff.

- Where are we going?
- Leave that to Captain Chitterlow.

- Don't worry, it's all downhill.
- To the sea?

It depends on the bicycle.
I'm heading for the theater.

Beg your pardon.

There. That looked like Artie.

It was Artie.

Here we are.

Come on, me lad. We'll have those
pants fixed in a jiffy. This way.


Come on.

Where did I put
that old Methuselah?

That's Laura Livermore.
Best soubrette in the business.

Wonderful figure of a woman.
With her stays on.

- You're not a teetotaler, are you?
- Don't know, I never tried.

Then you're in for a great treat,
my boy.

Wonderful stuff.
Brings tears to your eyes.

Laura, bring some needle
and thread, will you?

- What color?
- Mr Shalford calls it...

...clerical gray.

- Say, she's a bit hot.
- Only on the surface.

Beneath breathes the soul
of a milkmaid.

Well, show us the damage then.

Yes, show us the damage.

Stretch across me lap,
and I'll mend you in a jiffy.

Lay on MacDuff, she won't bite you.

She only nips.

Too big for your britches?

Laura, I want you to meet
my young friend...

Kipps. Arthur Kipps.

Arthur Kipps. K-I-P-P-S?

- Yeah.
- Well, blow me down.

That's the thickest coincidence
I've ever struck.

This very afternoon
I put you in a play.

I went down the column
and took every name that fit.

I don't believe in made-up names.
Here we are.

"If Arthur Kipps, son of
Margaret Euphemia Kipps,

- "born September the 1st, 1880..."
- Hey, that's me!

- That's me too.
- Hold still, darling.

Couldn't be two Kipps with
a mother named Margaret Euphemia.

"If Arthur Kipps will communicate
with Messrs Watson and Bean,

"he may learn something
to his advantage."

I don't understand.
What does it mean?

I think you're going to strike it rich.
If so, where does Harry come in?

Maybe you'd like a half interest
in Harry's new play.

- Yeah, but if you was me...
- If I was you, I'd celebrate.

- Already?
- No time like the present.

- To Arthur Kipps, millionaire.
- I'll drink to that.

You'd drink to anything.

Come on, me boy.

Hello, what are you doing here?

We saw you riding like the
cops were after you.

- May I present Miss Laura Livermore.
- How do you do?

- Your pal's had a bit of luck.
- So we heard.

- This is Mr Harry Chitterlow.
- How do you do?

Fellow thespians, lend me your ears.
I want you to meet a young millionaire.

This lucky lad has just
inherited a great fortune.

- What you gonna do with it?
- Haven't got it yet.

But when you've got it,
in your pocket, burning a hole,

- what are you going to buy?
- A yacht?

A mansion?

A motorcar?

- Me?
- Thank you very much.

What then?

- If I had the money in my pocket?
- Yes.

- I'd buy something I've always wanted.
- And what is that?

- I'd buy a banjo.
- A banjo?

If I had money to burn
A hole in my pocket

If I had money to burn
I'd go like a rocket

Down to the town without a stop
Blow right into the music shop

And buy me a banjo

Buy me a banjo

Buy me a banjo
That's what I would do

If I had all that money could buy

If you had all that money could buy

If you had all that money could buy
What would you do?

I'd buy me a banjo

Play on the banjo
Night and day on the banjo

- That's what! would do
- Hey


- If you had money to burn
- I'd burn a hole in my pocket

- If you had money to burn
- I'd go like a rocket

Down to the town without a stop
Blow right into the music shop

And buy the banjo

Buy the banjo

Buy the banjo

That's what! would do

A tiara

Of diamonds and pearls.

Or an earl

Banjo, a banjo, I must have a banjo
Find me a banjo

Find the boy a banjo

- Get the boy a banjo
- I gotta get a banjo

I gotta get a banjo

Banjo, banjo, got to get together
Got to get the boy a banjo

- Banjo
- Banjo


A banjo.

I'll buy me a banjo

Play on the banjo
Night and day on the banjo

That's what! would do

Come on.

I'd buy me a banjo

Play on the banjo
Night and day on the banjo

That's what! would do

I'd go like a rocket

Burn a hole in my pocket

I'd be in a hurry
Never, never worry

If I had all that money could buy

If I had all that money could buy

If I had all that money could buy

I'd buy me a banjo

Play on the banjo

Go, the banjo

Night and day on the banjo


What! would do

You'll have a lovely hangover.
Look at him.

Too much of the old Methuselah,

- Look out, here comes Shalford.
- Get out of here. Quick, go, run.

My ship came in.

Kipps, what are you doing up there?

Those eyes, how they glare at me!

One of your apprentices?
I do believe he's been drinking.

An apprentice from my emporium?
Never. He's looking for the cat.

An apprentice from my emporium?
Never. He's looking for the cat.

Send him to the woodworking class,
Mr Shalford.

- Good night, sir.
- I'll march him to the class myself.

Kipps, come down.
Come down. Come down.

Come here. Come here.
Come here. Gotcha.

You're a disgrace to my emporium.

Go on...to woodwork.

- What are you making, Mr Jones?
- I don't know, Miss Walsingham.

- It looks like a pipe rack.
- Does it?

I'm certain it's a pipe rack.
And an excellent example to us all.

A combination of the useful
and the beautiful.

All right, back to work now.

- I'm afraid you're a bit late, Mr...
- Kipps.

Arthur Kipps. I'm very sorry, Miss,
but I was unavoidably detained.

I see. Is it raining?

I've been in a horse trough.

Now then, Mr Kipps. What handicraft
have you decided to practice?

- What, what?
- Mr Jones is making a pipe rack.

- I don't smoke.
- There must be something you need.

- Something practical for the home.
- I haven't got a home, Miss.

- Poor boy, where do you live?
- In Mr Shalford's cellar.

There must be something that
would come in useful down there.

A mousetrap.

Could you not think
of something...more aesthetic?

- Please, Miss.
- You've thought of something.

Can I leave the room?
I don't feel well. Old Methuselah.

- Some fresh air.
- As you wish.

Perhaps we could open the door.
I'll do it. It's no trouble.

- What's going on, then?
- I cut my hand.

- What's happened?
- We must bandage it at once.

- Your handkerchief?
- Haven't got a cold.

- Never mind, I have one.
- Cor.

Hold it quite steady now.

- We're not hurting you, are we?
- Not a bit.

Put your finger on the knot, dear.

The knot.

- There.
- Loosen it when you get home,

- or gangrene may set in.
- Then you'll have your arm sawn off.

That will be all for tonight.
We'll meet again next week.

- Good night, Miss Walsingham.
- Good night. Good night.

- Good night, Mr...
- Kipps. Arthur Kipps.

Thank you very much
for the handkerchief.

Lucky devil, she called you "dear".

I've been here three months
and she's never called me "dear".

- But I never cut me wrist.
- I suppose today's my lucky day.

- Look at him.
- Hey...

...that old Methuselah
was really potent.

Hang on.

- Oh, yeah.
- After you.

Hey, Art, you slept
right through church.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, a great shame.

The vicar went on
about the evils of drink.

Get up. It was worth a whoop up.

- Did you find Ann last night?
- How?

We were in the theater with you.

- I hope she's not still waiting.
- See you there, all right?

We said we'd see the girls
at the beach. Coming?

- Do you good.
- I hope the tide's in.

- It's too cold to go swimming.
- Shut up.

He had a bellyful last night,
didn't he?

Come along.

Now, watch out for the bus.

Come on, Kate. Come on, girl.

Too cold to go swimming?

- You're Buggins.
- That's right. How did you know?

- What?
- You must be Sid.

I ain't seen her before.

- Hello, darling.
- Pearce.

Who's she?

What's all this about, then?

- You're Flo.
- No, I'm Flo.

- You must be Ann, the letter writer.
- That's me. That's right.

I had a message for you
last night from Artie.

Where is he?

- Where is he?
- He'll be here in half an hour.

- Yeah, he overslept, see.
- He was tired.

- Why was he tired?
- Who?

- Artie.
- Come with us.

We'll tell you what we heard.

We think the boys were
covering for him.

Such a hangover this morning.
A real Whopper.

Do you know what?

That actress who sewed up his bottom
has been married three times.

- She's looking for a fourth husband.
- I don't believe a word of it.

A single blinking word of it.

Who ever, ever heard of it?
A boy like him

if you'd like to know whatl think
I'll tell you not half

- Well, tell us
- You're jealous

- Of Artie? That's a laugh
- It ain't a funny joke at all

A funny, blooming joke at all
He ain't that kind of bloke at all

Just use your eyes
It's all a pack of blinking, ruddy lies

- Lies
- Lies

I'd like to know just what
You're driving at

When a boy gets whiskers
On his chin

He will soon start falling into sin

For he'll meet those irresistible forces



And gin

When he's tasted pleasure
Once or twice

He will surely have to pay the price

And nothing undermines
His character quicker

Than liquor


And vice

He wouldn't do that to me

Why, it's perfectly plain to see

Philandering ain't ever
The kind of thing he'd do

He gave me half a sixpence
To prove his love was true

- Half a sixpence?
- I'm sure in my heart that he

Wouldn't do that to me

He's already done it, you silly girl.

I don't believe a word of it
A single blinking word of it

Who ever, ever heard of it?
It's not like him

Why, he couldn't be unfaithful
Not ever to me

- He's lying
- You're prying

- Just you wait and see
- Last night he made a night of it

- He hit the whiskey quite a bit
- Whiskey?

He hates the blooming sight of it.
It's just absurd

I don't believe a single, ruddy
Rotten, blooming, blinking...

- Ann!
- Word.

- Hello, love. You look very...
- Shut up.

Listen, I've got a lot to tell you.
A fellow came in on a bicycle...

I hope it ain't impolite to ask
What happened last night

You were drunk, I've heard tell
You were outwith girls as well

I don't know any girls.
Listen, love. You see...

I enjoyed the promenade
You were somewhere drinking hard

- And having fun with Flora
- Actually, her name was Laura.

- Laura?
- She sewed me trousers. Look.

- I don't want to know
- I was only in her dressing room.

You and her up to tricks
While I'm at lamppost number six

But it suits me fine
To hang around till half past 9

It wasn't Artie's fault
Shalford made him go carving wood

- That's good, carving wood?
- He had to

Yes, and keep her lady waiting

A lovely gentleman gives me a thrill
When he comes up to say hello

- How dare you!
- Don't abuse her

- I'm not!
- Leave him alone

- If I'd been there...
- You were busy dancing with girls

- Girls?
- A few, actually.

- I don't want to know
- I'd have knocked him down.

- With your arm in a sling?
- Bandaged by Miss Walsingham.

Who the heck is Miss Walsingham?
For heaven's sake

He's got a harem and no mistake
Mr Casanova Kipps

- Who?
- You heard, Bluebeard

What about this man of
yours on the promenade?

A little late to clench your fists
And look grim

You wouldn't care
lf l went with him

- You should have
- With a stranger?

Arthur got along all right
While Ann waited all night

- You shouldn't talk to men in the dark.
- Don't tell me because I'm...

- Not talking to you!
- Ann!

You men are all the same
The same beneath the skin

You bed a girl by wooing her
Then proceed to ruin her

- I only kissed you once.
- You take a simple girl

- And lead her into sin
- Men only want one thing

Once you have your way with her
You don't stay with her

It's her who's went and gone
And done the crime

Come back, Archie!



Treating me like this,
you philanderer.

- Ladies
- You and your girls. Cheat.


Don't tell me because I'm...

...not talking to you.

- What did you want to do that for?
- I'm not talking to you!

- What did you want to do that for?
- I'm not talking to you!

All right, all right.

I'm coming, hold on.


Good news, milord. Great tidings.

Stay away.
You got me in enough trouble.

Time and tide wait for no man.
I've just come from your solicitor.

- And?
- And your late grandfather...

- I didn't know I had one.
- You had a mother.

Well, she had a father,
your grandfather.

On his deathbed, he decided
to recognize his illegitimate grandson.

- Me. How much?
- A fortune, my boy.

Twelve hundred and fifty pounds.
A year.

- And your grandfather's house.
- Twelve hundred and fifty pounds!

It's a fortune, and further...

Help. Shop. Help, anybody.

- Help. Help.
- What happened to him?

Passed out he has, of the news.

Must've dropped dead
from the shock.

- It's nearly opening time.
- Artie's been left 1,250 pounds.

- A fortune, every year.
- Stand back, let him breathe.

- No, he's coming around.
- Good old Kipps.

Quiet, everybody. Please.

Twelve hundred.

Twelve hundred and fifty!

For 100 pounds, I'll sell you
a quarter share of my new play.

- I'll take half.
- Spoken like a gent.

- We'll seal it with champagne.
- Champagne all around.

But we can't drink it in the shop.

- Hang the shop.
- Hang the shop?

Hang the shop
and hang old Shalford.


That's it. Once more, I said,
and that's it. Well, that is it.

You're done for, Kipps.
Finished! Sacked!

Watch it, Shalford.

- What?
- I said, you just watch it.

You can't sack me.
Do you know why? I just resigned.

Right here and now, resigned.

So you act civil
and you act respectable

or you'll be the one with a sack.

I've just come into a fortune.
Twelve... What was it, Chitterlow?

- 1,250 pounds.
- 1,250 pounds.

- A year.
- A year.

I could buy you out
before you say "efficiency".

I don't like the way this place is run.
You better wake yourself up

or you'll find yourself out on your ear!

- My ear?
- Efficiency, Shalford!

Efficiency, system and that
to your blessed economy.

And you can stick that
on my account.

- But where you going to, Artie?
- To see the world.

The whole blooming world.

He'll be a travel-abroad
Live-like-a-lord, proper gentleman

Strolling down the leas
Every morning

High society will seek his company

Can't you hear him talking
With the aristocracy?

What a la-da-di-da

He'll be a devil-may-care
Go-everywhere, proper gentleman

In the Grand Hotel they'll be fawning

On the dandy debonair
Go to Paris to have a bit of fun

Elegant dash-about
Throwing his cash about

Proper gentleman

He'll be a la-da-di-da

Proper gentleman

Think of all the sights
He'll be seeing

He's a dandy debonair
Been to Paris to have a bit of fun

Getting the feel of it, automobile of it
Proper gentleman

- Sid!
- Hey, hey!

- At it again?
- Hey, Artie!

- I say, it's...
- Get out of it.

For Pearce, a walking stick
with a silver knob.

- Where's Buggins?
- Here.

Tortoise-shell specs. For the girls,
perfume, chocolate, chocolate.

- Chocolate?
- Chocolate.

For Mr Carshott,
some real Havana cigars.

- Oh, thank you, Arthur.
- Sid!

The collected works of Karl Marx.

Karl Marx? Indeed. Really!

Cor, for heaven's sake,
look what you've done now.

Do you want
to get me the sack?

What are you doing
back here anyway?

I only brought you presents.

Look, have you got any letters
here for me? I mean, from Ann.

Not that I know of, no.

She's still cross about
what happened at the beach.

I went to her work,
but they wouldn't let me in.

- Why not?
- I rung the bell and this fellow came out

with two dogs.
"What are you doing here?"

I said, "I come to see Ann."
He said, "We got no Ann."

I said, "She's a parlormaid."

"What's a well-to-do gentleman like
you doing with a parlormaid? Be off."

He wouldn't let me in. Rum, isn't it?

- You should've dropped him a fiver.
- I'm not used to tipping.

My heart bleeds for you.

What are you doing all day
now you're home?

- I'm very busy.
- Doing what?

The lawyers get in touch
every now and again.

I've got a banjo now.

I read the Times every day.
All the way through.

And go for a walk.

Sometimes, even a drive.

- Sounds very tiring.
- Doing nothing.

I wouldn't mind
doing nothing all day.

Mr Kipps, welcome.
Buying gifts today, are you?

Mr Kipps, welcome.
Buying gifts today, are you?

Edwin, darling.

I really have missed you.

Look what I've got you.

It's a collar with a bell.

He'll get used to it.

- Miss Walsingham.
- I'm delighted to see you, Mr Kipps.

- We read about you in the Gazette.
- Yeah?

Mama, I'd like you
to meet Mr Kipps.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- This is my brother, Hubert.
- How do you do?

I believe we've met before.
In the emporium and other vicinities.

Do you intend to stay here?

I haven't made up me mind.
I've inherited me grandfather's house.

More comfortable
than Mr Shalford's basement.

I'll say. Very lonely.
Quiet. No snoring.

We must do something about that.

- Snoring?
- No.

Perhaps you'd care to take tea
with us one day next week.

Shall we say Thursday at 4:00?

Yes, let's. I could come earlier.

No, 4 is quite soon enough.

Card. The address.

We better find our carriage.
Come along, Hubert.

- Good day.
- Goodbye.

Good day.

Come on, let's go.

"Miss Helen Walsingham.

"Bachelor of Arts."

She's too far above me

By half, she is

She'd laugh, she would
Not half, she would

If I was to say I loved her so

Because I do
That's the one thing I know

She's too far beyond me

To kiss somehow

"A kiss, " she'd say
"What's this?" she'd say

And go off
With her head up in the air

Yeah, she's too far above me
To care

She's too far above me

By half, she is

She'd laugh, she would

Not half, she would

If I was to say I loved her so

Because I do

That's the one thing I know

She's too far beyond me
To kiss somehow

"A kiss, " she'd say
"What's this?" she'd say

And go off
With her head up in the air

Yeah, she's too far above me

To care

There you are, Mr Kipps,
and so punctual.

I was early. I've been
walking up and down outside.

- Not for too long, I trust.
- No, about an hour.

Shall we go in?

Mr Kipps.

- How do you do?
- Kipps.

How good of you to come.

We looked for you last night
at the Paderewski.

- Beg pardon?
- The pianoforte player.

- He gave a recital at the town hall.
- I went to the theater.

- Romeo and Juliet at the Royal?
- Girls and Garters at the Pally.

- A music hall?
- It was very good.

There was this funny fellow,
and he told a riddle. Listen to this.

What is it a man does standing up,

a girl does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs?

- Go on.
- I have no idea.

Shakes hands.

Sit down, Mr Kipps.

- One lump or two?
- Three please.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I sold you ribbon at the emporium.

Actually, I think
it was a camisole, sir.

Are you enjoying your affluence,
Mr Kipps?

- Me what?
- Your money.

The bank's looking after that.

Your money should be working
for you. Not sitting in a bank.

You should invest it. Be glad to
put you onto something good.

Would you? That's very generous.

I remember now.
It was a pair of drawers.

You should get down
to some serious reading.

Nothing enlarges the mind
like the classics.

I've always wanted to have
a good go at reading.

- Are you in difficulties, Mr Kipps?
- Not really. Not yet.

- May I take that, Mr Kipps?
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Yes, well...

Oh, you're not going.

I just remembered,
I got another appointment.

- At the Pally?
- No, I left the gas on.

Thank you very much,
Mrs Walsingham.

It's really very nice of you.

You won't believe this, but this is the
first time I've ever had tea with friends.

- Outside the basement, that is.
- You must come again.

- Whenever you like.
- Do you really mean that?

Of course. As you said yourself,
we're now your friends.

Thank you very much.

Should I tip her?

I don't wish to be a Philistine. Although
it is customary to tip domestics,

one should never force
a shilling on an acquaintance.

It just isn't done.

Thank you very much.

- Good day, Mr Walsingham.
- Good day, Mr Kipps.

You know, Arthur, you sometimes
hold yourself too cheap.

- You don't hold me cheap?
- Of course not.

You're kind, generous,
modest and understanding.

And you row quite beautifully.

I used to practice
with the boys every weekend.

- I haven't seen much of them recently.
- Perhaps it's just as well.

- I had a talk with Mama last night.
- Oh, Lord.

- Why say that?
- I don't think she approves.

I see her looking at me sometimes.

I suppose I'm just
not refined enough.

But what if I were to help you?

- You'd have to help me a fearful lot.
- "Help."

"Help", sorry-

All these things that trouble you
are very little things.

I could easily teach you.

- You don't mind me telling you?
- Of course not.

- It only requires a little care.
- I daresay I'll soon get into it.

Then there's a way
in which a gentleman dresses.

Never be too dressy.
It makes you look like a shop assistant.

I mean,
like a well-off common person.

A real gentleman looks right without
looking as though he tried to be right.

- More a sort of ease.
- You do it all so natural.

I mean, you're so nice
and refined and educated.


I don't know why you haven't
been snapped up

- by some duke or lord or something.
- Dear Arthur.

There are no dukes or lords here.

This isn't the world, you know.

- Just a little English town.
- What about me?

I've been trying to ask you.

Every time I come to your house,
you're kind and your brother's clever.

- Helping me with my investments.
- We're all very fond of you.

- Have I got a chance?
- Please be patient.

Till tomorrow. Till the regatta.

- Supposing it rains?
- Don't worry.

It won't rain.

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Wednesday



Any day but Sunday

Sunday's the day
When it's got to be fine

Because that's when
I'm meeting my girl

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Maidstone

Kingston, Oakstone
Any place but Folkestone

Folkestone's the place
Where it's gotta be fine

Because that's where
I'm meeting my girl

What if I start to get dreamy

Just supposing her ma
Should see me

Asking to wed her daughter

Kneeling in a puddle of water

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Scotland

Greenland, Finland
Any place but England

England's the place
Where it's gotta be fine

Because that's where
I'm meeting my girl

Because that's where
He's meeting his girl

- If the rain's gotta fall, let it fall on
- Wednesday

- Tuesday
- Monday

Any day but Sunday

Sunday's the day
When it's gotta be fine

- Why?
- That's when you're meeting your girl

What could be wetter or damper
Than to sit on a picnic hamper

- Sipping a sarsaparilla
- Underneath a leaky umbrella

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Thursday

Saturday, Friday
Any day but my day

Sunday's the day
When it's gotta be fine

Because that's
When I'm meeting my girl

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Monday

Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Saturday

Any day but Sunday

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Wednesday

Tuesday, Monday
Any day but Sunday

Sunday's the day
When it's gotta be fine

Because that's when
I'm meeting my girl

What if the weather gets rainy?

There I'll be like a blooming zany

Trying to say I love her

Then we have to break
And take cover

Come on!

If the rain's gotta fall
Let it fall on Wednesday

Tuesday, Monday
Any day but Sunday

Sunday's the day
When it's gotta be fine

Because that's when
I'm meeting my girl

Because that's when
I'm meeting my girl

Because that's when
I'm meeting my girl

That's when
I'm meeting my girl

Wednesday, Tuesday

Any day but Sunday

- Artie.
- Ann.

- I thought you a stick of peppermint.
- The latest thing.

- It don't look none too comfy.
- It's not.

I went to your work.
They wouldn't let me in.

I should hope not.
You'd get me into trouble.

- Thanks for those postcards.
- Didn't answer them.

I didn't know where you
was gonna turn up.

- London, Paris, Brighton.
- Well, I'm here now, ain't I.


Have you got your half sixpence?
I've got mine. Always keep it with me.

It's in me other suit.
I got so many now, you see.

Artie, am I still your girl?

I mean, now you're a swell.

What's that got to do with it?

Look, I'm sorry about
the beach that day.

Ann, I've got something important
to tell you.

- Have you?
- It's about me and you.


- Well...
- Kipps.


- Up here, old man.
- It's my financial adviser.

- He wants to talk about investments.
- Artie?

Look, where you gonna be?

On the bridge.

Kipps, just the chap
I want to see.

We need someone to stroke our
scratch Leander Four.

- Seems Charley has missed the train.
- I'd rather not...

- Arthur, you row beautifully.
- I stroked the Working Men's Four.

- It doesn't matter.
- It won't be right.

Come along.
Absolute nonsense, my dear fellow.

You can borrow some gear.
Change in there.

I don't really think I ought.

I'll be watching you
from the umpire's launch.

- Good luck.
- I'll do my best.

And I'll see you after the race.

There he is. Kipps.

Not a bad sort, formerly in trade.
I'm making investments on his behalf.

Beresford's gear.

Club members only.

Racing boat, please.

Hurry along now.


Turning out for the opposition,
I see then?

That's very nice. We've had
to volunteer old fatty here.

He's about as much use
as a cold rice pudding.

- I didn't have to come.
- We're not good enough these days?

- Sorry.
- Get out of it.

You're another traitor
to the proletariat, mate.

Pay no attention to them,
dear fellow.

- Damn cheek if you ask me.
- I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

KiPPS- Kipps, come on.

Excuse me.

All right, get on your stake boats,
both crews.

If you get off station,
I will warn you...

- Have a good row!
- Show them what's what.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Look. Traitor.

Right, now,
see that everything is correct,

that your stretchers
are screwed up properly

and that you are ready.

Both crews, are you straight?
Are you straight? You're sure?

When I start you,
I shall ask you once if you're ready.

If I receive no reply,
I shall say "go".


- What are you doing, you twit?
- What you doing, you fat lump?

Well, he said "go", didn't he?
Can't he make up his mind?

I'm fed up with this.
I wanna go home.

- Are you ready?
- No.

Right. All right. Ready.

" Go!
' ROW!

The race is on
You're on your way

There's 100 million people
Shouting "hip-hip-hooray"

The race is on
You're feeling proud

The way you're pulling an oar
To the roar of the crowd

The race is on
This is the test

This is the moment you've been
Waiting for, so give it your best

The stakes are high
So have a go

You're bound to win
If you lend a hand

Better get cracking
And row, row, row

Row together
And strike, strike, strike

All together
And pull, pull, pull

Pull together as one
And two and three and four

You're in the air
You're in the crowd

Whichever way you work it out
You're on a merry-go-round

Although you feel
You're almost done

And every muscle is aching
You're fighting for breath

But still you're determined
To fight to the death

The race isn't over
Until the race is run

Row on, row on
Or lose your love forever

Row on, row on
And give up your faithful friends

Row on, row on
You gotta keep it going

Row, row, row
The race is on

You're on your way

You know that everything you need
Depends on winning the day

The stakes are high
So have a go

But now forget it and lend a hand
Better get cracking and row, row, row

Row together
And strike, strike, strike

All together and pull together
As one

All together and pull together
As one

Pull yourself together. Concentrate.

We can't be beaten by floor-walkers.

- Sorry, I caught a cramp. I'm sorry.
- All right!

And all at once
You're far behind

You gotta pull yourself together
Better make up your mind

The stakes are high
So have a go

You're bound to win if you lend a hand
Better get cracking and row, row, row

Row together
And strike, strike, strike

All together
And pull, pull, pull

Pull together as one
And two and three and four

The race is on
So don't be late

You know that everything you need
Depends on winning the day

You wanna win
But if you win

You know it's then
That your troubles will really begin

You're in the air
You're on the ground

Whichever way you work it out
You're on a merry-go-round

You win the girl
You lose your friends

But now forget it and lend a hand
Better get cracking and row, row, row

Row together
And strike, strike, strike

All together
And pull, pull, pull

Pull together as one
And two and three and four

And one and two and three and four

And one, two, three, four

And all at once
You gain a length

You gotta concentrate on victory
With all of your strength

The blooming race
ls almost done

So now whatever may happen
Don't ever give up

A last final effort
Will bring home the cup

The race isn't over
Until the race is won

He won!

- You realize we've been fiddled.
- Yeah.

- Hey, where's Artie?
- He's over there with the toffs.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Pray, silence for Lady Botting,

donator of the Botting Trophy,

who has kindly consented to present
her trophy to the winning crew.

Up you go, Kipps, old man.
Collect the trophy from Lady Botting.

- But why me?
- The privilege of the winning stroke.

Splendid, Mr Kipps, splendid.

Thank you very much.


- Oh, I say.
- Arthur, I'm so proud of you.

Dear friends. Dear friends,
this is truly a memorable occasion.

The amazing Mr Kipps has
not only won the Botting Trophy,

- but the hand of my daughter as well.
- Really?

Blimey. I mean, go on.


Here, she's gonna marry me!
She is, she really is!

I hope you'll both be very happy.

Well, I think this calls
for champers all around.

- Artie!
- Ann.

How dare you address my fiancé
with such familiarity.

- Are you gonna marry her?
- Of course he's going to marry her.

Who are you?
Some girl from the shop?

- She's in service, actually.
- A servant girl?

- He belongs to me.
- To you?

Yeah. And you tell her.

Tell her you're not gonna marry her.
Tell her quick.

- Let me explain.
- To this creature? Run along, girl.

- This is no affair of yours.
- It is my affair.

You're not, are you?

Are you?


Well, we're engaged.

- You philanderer.
- I was trying to tell you.

You never told me nothing.
You said you loved me.

And you gave me half a sixpence.

You can have the bloody thing back.

And right this minute.
I don't want ever to see you again.

- Ann!
- And just you keep off.

You keep away from me.

- Ann!
- Arthur, please.

I think we'd better take shelter.

Come along, my dear.

Are you coming, Arthur?

The incident is closed, Arthur.
We will never refer to it again.

Hey, are we going in here?

Of course we are.
This is Lady Botting's country place.

- Oh, Lord.
- Whatever is the matter, Arthur?

I've been here before.
Only last time, they wouldn't let me in.

Does a gentleman ever get sick?

- Why?
- I think I'm gonna be.

Stop fidgeting, Arthur.

This collar, it's cutting me head off.

- "My-ll
- "Head."


I suggest you say as little
as possible at dinner.

Leave the conversation to us.

And try not to perspire.

A gentleman never perspires.

- Doesn't he?
- Never.

Mrs Walsingham.

Miss Helen Walsingham.

Mr Hubert Walsingham.

Mr Arthur Kipps.


You can't go walking about like that.

What on earth are you talking about?

You'll catch your death.

It's extremely fashionable.

You people are such prudes.

"You people"?

Oh, Mr Kipps.

Very nice.

Thank you. Excuse me.

The Kaiser? Kaiser? Germany.

Lord, Ann.

Do you request something, sir?


My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is served.

- What's that?
- Gfufs poché Richelieu, sir.

- "Erf" what?
- Poché Richelieu.

- Oh, posh.
- It looks delicious.

Cold eggs on salmon mousse.

Why didn't he say so
in the first place then?

- What's all the jelly stuff?
- Aspic.

Cold poached eggs in jelly.
Very nice.

Use the fork.

- Which? There's an army of them.
- The one furthest from the plate.

Not mine, yours.

- Don't use the knife.
- Well, I gotta cut it up, haven't I?

Use the fork. Just the fork.

So clever of you, to trace your
future brother-in-law's genealogy

and discover
the real spelling of "Kipps".

- It's the Flemish way, you know?
- Yes.

So much nicer, C-U-Y-P-S.

Yes. "Coips."






Very nice.

- Leave it. The footman will take it.
- I'm hungry.

- "Hungry-u
- Hungry!

Got it.

Take it easy. That cost me
two guineas, that shirt.

Arthur, please. Leave it alone.
Ignore it.

What's the matter now?
I'm using the ruddy fork, aren't I?

Fletcher, I think you better
serve the next course.

Very good, milady.

I didn't wanna come,
they made me.

Remove that mess at once.
And take that girl with you.

Yes, milady.

You'll pay for those breakages, girl.

And you'll stay in
your next three half-days.

I think you're being far too lenient.

What's this keeping in
and stopping money?

- It's not about you.
- Yes, it is.

- Ann, you all right?
- Well!

Has this one been
knocking you about?

Well, have you?

Don't worry about that.
I'll pay for the damage.

What, about 5 sovereigns,
that'll cover it, won't it?

- Such rudeness is unforgivable.
- Mind your own business.

- What?
- You heard.

- Where are you going?
- After her.

- But, Arthur, we're engaged.
- I'm sorry, Helen.

- You're on your own.
- The wedding?

- It's off.
- Young man, come back here.

Don't you start again.
I've had about enough of you.

One more "Cuyps", "Coops",
or "pish-posh-pooches",

and so help me, I'll belt you!

Good evening...and goodbye,
Mrs Walsingham.





- Ann?
- Go away.

- Open the door.
- Leave me alone!

- If you don't open it, I'll smash it in!
- All right, see if I care.

I Will!

I want to marry you, Ann.

You can't marry me.

You're engaged to that girl,
you can't be engaged to me.

I don't want to be engaged.
I've been engaged.

I want to be married to you, now.

What do you mean?

I mean come away and marry me
before anyone else does.

I can't.

It wouldn't be fair to Lady Botting.
I haven't given notice.

- You gotta think about me, not her.
- And what about me?

You haven't treated me very proper.

That's how I am.
I'm all wrong, and I never said I wasn't.

I made a fool of myself,
isn't that enough?

I've got myself tied up with everyone.

I made a fool of myself all around.

But now I know what I want
and what I don't want.

I just throwed everything away
up there. Everything.

I haven't got a friend
in the world now.

I'm desperate.

I'll make it all up to you
if you come, Ann.

Will you come?

If you don't answer me, Ann,
I'm going right out of here.

If you don't answer me, I'll...

Might as well throw myself
in the sea.

It'll have to be the pier.


Don't drown yourself.

Not yet.

I've been so miserable, Ann.


You really will come?
You really will marry me?


Mind you...

...I won't do this for just anyone.

I'm so miserable, Ann.

They sometimes listen on the stairs.

I've been so...

Dear me!

All right, love?

All lined up in a wedding group
Here we are for a photograph

We're all dressed up in a morning suit
All trying not to laugh

Since the early caveman, in his fur
Took a trip to Gretna Green

There's always been a photographer
To record the happy scene

Hold it, flash
What a picture

What a picture
What a photograph

Poor old bloke, what a joke
Hat blown off in a cloud of smoke

Clap hands
Stamp your feet

Bang it on the big bass drum

What a picture
What a picture

Stick it in your family album

No, wait, stay where you are.

King Henry VIII had several wives
Including Anne Boleyn

And he kept an album of their lives
With all their photos in

As Anne Boleyn was on her knees
Dressed in her very best frock

King Henry shouted
"Smile, dear, please"

As her head rolled off the block

Hold it, flash
What a picture

What a picture
What a photograph

Comes the print
In a little while

- Lost her head
- But she kept her smile

Clap hands
Stamp your feet

Bang it on the big bass drum

What a picture
What a picture

Stick it in your family album

Stick it in your family album

You got a lovely girl there.

- There she is, my bride.
- Your bride!

You've read it in a folio
Or seen the Shakespeare play

How Juliet fell for Romeo
In the merry month of May

And as he climbed the orchard wall
To reach his lady fair

As he tumbled she began to bawl

As he traveled through the air

Hold it, flash
What a picture

What a picture
What a photograph

Poor old bloke
Couldn't see the joke

- Tights all torn
- And his doublefs broke

Clap hands
Stamp your feet

Bang it on the big bass drum

What a picture
What a picture

Stick it in your family album

When Napoleon married Josephine
There was just the same to-do

He gal/oped home from the battle
All the way from Waterloo

And as he came from off his horse
To the boudoir where she sat

- She said to him
- In French, of course.

As he took off his big cocked hat

Hold it, flash
What a picture

What a picture
What a photograph

There she was
Leaning on the bar

Pink champagne

Clap hands
Stamp your feet

Bang it on the big bass drum

What a picture
What a picture

Dear boy, come on. Let's have a go.

Good health


Clap hands
Stamp your feet

Bang it on the big bass drum

What a picture
What a picture


Hold it, one last picture, please
Stick it in your family album


What did we stop for?

Look over there.

I don't see anything.

You will one day.

That's gonna be our new house.

I've just bought the land.

We got one house already.

That's my grandfather's. It's old.
This one's gonna be brand-new.

Just the sort of place
you've always dreamed of.



These are the plans
for the new residence.

Lovely, lovely.

I mean, very nice.

- It looks like a museum.
- Ann.

I'm sure Mrs Kipps will be only too
happy to leave this Gothic monstrosity.

It was left me by my grandfather.

The foundations are almost done,

so it's not too soon to
discuss the internal details.

- What?
- The décor, Madam.

I've had a ripping idea
for the bedrooms.

Everything in tartan,
like the queen at Balmoral.

- Very distinguished, chic.
- Very la-di-da.

- "La-di-da."
- The queen, Ann.

Each room can be its own tartan:
MacMurray, MacDonald, MacDougall...

Hang on a minute.
How many bedrooms are you building?



Well, we don't want that many.
We only want one.

I've reconsidered, Mr Wilkins.
We will need a billiard room.

What? What for?

A man in Mr Kipps' position
must be proficient in social graces.

We are gonna do
a lot of entertaining.

And with this house,
he can entertain everybody.

I don't want him entertaining everyone.
Why can't we just have a little house?

You know, Mr Wilkins,
these really are nice.

Well, don't put any in my bedroom.

- Sorry about that, Mr Wilkins.
- Oh, not at all. Say no more.

Perhaps I'd better
come back tomorrow.

Mr Kipps. If I might offer you
a word of advice?

Man to man, you understand?

As men of standing, we are obligated
to be masters in our own homes.

We couldn't rule the world
if we weren't supreme at home.

Of course, it's up to you.
But do remember your position.

And that of Mrs Kipps.

Good afternoon to you.

- Well?
- You made a fool of me.

- Well, aren't you?
- What's that mean?

Eleven bedrooms?
You make me laugh.

A man has to be master
in his own home.

- You're cleaning? Where's the girl?
- Out.

- Out? What do you mean?
- Out! I gave her the day off.

I do it better myself anyway.

- What's these?
- What?

- Calling cards.
- Well, they're calling cards.

"Mrs G. Porrit Smith."

"Miss Porrit Smith."

"Miss Mabel Porrit Smith."

"The Reverend G. Porrit Smith..."


Cor, clergy.

Actually, it was quite funny.

I mean, there was this woman,
you see, and two little girls,

- and this funny little fellow.
- Whafd they say?

They says to me... Because
I've got me apron and hat on.

- "Is Mrs Kipps at home?"
- Yeah.

I says, "No." And then they gave me
those cards and they went.

Why did this have to happen?
Clergy and all!

You ought to have known better.

- I didn't know visitors were coming.
- You're supposed to know!

These good people
want to associate with us,

and you go and slap them
in the face.

- I didn't slap anybody in the face.
- There's only one thing for it.

- Return the call.
- How?

- Take them a card.
- I won't.

- You must.
- I won't!

There they go off,
but we don't ever see them again.

And so it goes.
We're not gonna know anybody.

And will you put yourself out

or take the trouble
to find out anything about...?

Will you stop shouting at me?
You're always shouting!

I ought never to have married you.

I'm not equal to this position.

Well, you can try, can't you?

I've improved, why can't you?

Instead of sending out the girl
and cleaning.

- Then visitors...
- I don't care about visitors!

You're supposed to! I'm going.

- Where?
- Out!

- What do you mean?
- To see my adviser.

- Why?
- About the 11 bedrooms.

I don't want 11 bedrooms!

Financial adviser.

Eleven bedrooms.

Do you hear that?


Well, you can sleep in them.

Tartan. MacDougall, MacDonald.

And a billiard room.

For entertaining everyone.

"No, I'm sorry. Mrs Kipps isn't home."

Oh, something's wrong.

What does he think he's doing?

I know what! am

I was brought up in a simple way

I know what! am

Ordinary and simple, come what may

I know what! am

I don't hold with mutton
Dressed as lamb

Being gents
Don't make sense

I know what! am

I know what! am

When it comes to high society

I know what! am

Just a feeling here, inside of me

I know what! am

I just can't abide
What's false and sham

Calling cards

I know what! am

There's been a copper
outside all morning.

- Excuse me.
- Move along, sir. You can't go in.

- I got to. My financial adviser's there.
- All right.


Well, look. What's up?
There's some policemen downstairs.

Where's your brother?

I don't quite know how
to begin to tell you.

Are you all right?

Would you be so kind
as to pass that decanter?

Thank you.

Here's to old times.
Or is that impolite?

Perhaps we should drink
to married life, Arthur.

You've had a few, haven't you?

It's supposed to give one courage.

And my family needs a lot
of courage right now.

I think you better sit down.

You'd better pour yourself a drink.

What do you mean?

This is from my brother.

It's addressed to you.

Go on. Read it.

"My dear Helen.

"Gone abroad for a time.

"Police inquiries.

"Possible charge against me
for fraudulent conversion."

What's that?

Using his clients' money.
Losing it...

...and not paying it back.

He's been speculating my money.
He's run off.

I'm afraid so.

But is there none of it left?


He signed away your entire capital
as security at the bank.

But even that wasn't enough.

The bank informed the police
that he'd gone.

But he can't do that.
That's my 1,250 a year.

I haven't had it long.

A lot of people
have been hurt, Arthur.

My mother will have
to sell our house.

- And I shall have to find work.
- Yeah, but what about me?

I can't go back to Shalford's
and face that basement again.

- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry, that's a lot of good.

You're educated, you can get a job.
But me, I'm right in it, I am.

I've got nothing. No qualifications,
no trade, nothing.

I can't go back. I'm a gentleman,
thanks to your family.

- You have Ann.
- How can I face her?

- She's your wife.
- Where is he?

We don't know.

- Probably in France.
- It's not fair!

It's just not fair.

- You shouldn't have brought the cat.
- Go on. Why?

He's all right, isn't he, Flo?

He's here. He's here.

The rumor was true, then.

- And all your money's gone?
- Too bad.

But then I always knew
it wouldn't do you any good.

It's the system, mate.

I'd like to help out, old chap.

But I'm a bit short myself
at the moment.

These are the completed plans
for your new residence.

This house will provide you with the
background to entertain everybody.

To entertain, to entertain,
to entertain, to entertain...

My lords, ladies and gentlemen!

Mr Harry Chitterlow
and Miss Laura Livermore.

Messrs Sid, Buggins and Pearce.

Messrs Sid, Buggins and Pearce.

This is my world
A world of splendor

Swanky and rich and fine

This is a world I won't surrender

Now that I've made it mine

A world that is full of wonderful things

Dukes and their duchesses
Nobles and kings

I'll be king for more than a day

Whatever they say
I'll keep it that way

For this is the world
That I was meant for

This is the world for me

I wouldn't give a blooming cent for

Life as it used to be

For now that I'm tasting
The pleasures of life

Even a fool can see

That this is my world
A world of splendor

Swanky and rich and fine

This is a world I won't surrender

Now that I've made it mine

For this is the world
That I was meant for

This is the world for me

I wouldn't give a blooming cent for

Life as it used to be

For now that I'm tasting
The pleasures of life

Even a fool can see

That this is my world

This is my world

This is my world
And this is the world for me


You're not dressed proper.

Look at your hair.
You're letting me down again.

You're letting yourself down.

These are my friends.
Everything's for you.

For yourself, you mean.

Your friends. Look at them.

Once a draper, always a draper.

No gentleman, and never will be.

Scruffy orphan. No idea of anything,
never did and never will.


Where have you been?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I've seen the boys,
and they've told me about the money.

- Walsingham has been speculating.
- I know.

I've been trying to work things out,
but I don't know where to begin.

I've been cross with you.
I've been a fool about things.

Them 11 bedrooms, them calling cards.

Those things don't matter.

The only thing that matters is that
we loved each other.

And we did.

I think you better go
and leave me on me own for a bit.

What? I've just married you.
I'm staying with you, no matter what.

I wanted it all to be
marvelous for you.

I wanted a big house
and pretty clothes and things.

I suppose the truth is
I only wanted it for myself.

Oh, Artie.

What I'm trying to say is...

...I'm sorry.

I really am very sorry.

I'd like to say I'll make it up to you,
cross me heart.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

What to do, what to say.

They all laughed at me.

You never did.

All I ever wanted was you.

And I've got you.

Haven't I?

No one can speculate that.

Oh, you are lovely.

Mr Chitterlow.

Oh, my dear.
My dear Kipps and Mrs K.

My play. Oh, dear, my play.

- Oh, it ain't.
- It is.

It's a great, big, whacking,
enormous success.


It'll run two years if it runs a day.

Here's your check.
The first on your half-share.

And more.
There'll be thousands more.

- I don't want money any more.
- It's yours. You had faith in my play.

No, it only brings trouble.


We could have a little house.

And a proper kitchen.

And no backstairs.

Eleven bedrooms.


Oh, you.

I'll take it.

- But...
- You got no pockets.

Our ship's come in, dears.
Where's me motor?

- Behind you.
- Yes. We'll spread the glad tidings.

Who's coming to town for a glass
of the old Methuselah?

- No, thanks.
- Goodbye.



- Bye.
- Where are they going?

What you grinning at?

I was just thinking.

Penny for them?

Old Chitterlow, all this money.

I was thinking what a rum go
everything is.

That's what I was thinking.

Come on.

Remember that half a romance

ls better than none

But when I'm with you

One and one make two

And likewise, two half sixpences

Joined together make one