Half Baked (1998) - full transcript

After Kenny accidentaly kills a cop's diabetic horse by feeding it the food he purchased from a munchie run, he is put in jail and is given a 1 million dollar bail. The rest of the group must bail Kenny out before Nasty Nate gets to him. The group decides to sell marijuana that Thurgood gets through his job as a janitor at a pharmaceutical lab. They become pals with rap star Sir Smoke-A-Lot and the rivals of dealer Samson Simpson. On the side, Thurgood seeks the love of Mary Jane, an anti-pot daughter of a dealer. What follows is typical pothead behaviour with a ton of cameos. Look carefully.

Wait one

Wait two


Hey. What's up, everybody?
I'm Thurgood Jenkins.

You know, it's funny,
but I can trace

the entire path of my life
to one childhood memory.

My last clear memory, really.

You see, it was the summer
before ninth grade.

It was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface,

and of course
the loveable Old James.

Oh, hold on.
Wait a minute.

Old James...
Old James wasn't there.

I don't even know nobody
named Old James. Shoot.

Go on!

Why don't you
light it up there, brother?

All right.
Here goes nothing.

I don't remember graduating.

And my first sexual experience,
I don't remember that either.

But, man, I will never forget
the first time I smoked

that sweet, sweet cheeba.

Feel anything?

Yeah, I feel
my chest caving in.

This stuff didn't even work.

Come on. Let's get some candy
and get out of here, B.

I've heard people say they don't
get high the first time they smoke.

Not me. Oh, not us.

We were really, really high.

We was toe up!

Do you guys feel different?

A little.

How about you, Scarface?

How you doing, Kenny? Kenny?

I haven't been so thirsty
in my entire life.

Do you guys hear that?

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.

Am I going crazy?

We look at that day

as the day we met
the fifth member of our crew,


Oh, Lord, we was hooked!

So, now we all
live together in New York.

I myself am a master
of the custodial arts,

or a janitor if you want
to be a dick about it.

Anyway, I work at this lab,

Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

They do pharmaceutical testing

for the government
and big corporations and...

And I am the happiest custodian alive.

This job sucks.

Abba Zabba,

you my only friend.

It could be worse.
I could have Scarface's job.

Heifer with cheese.

You son of a bitch,
I'm right behind you!

Turn around and ask me
for a Heifer with cheese, yo!

Why you gotta make me feel inferior
'cause I'm on the grill, B?


Scarface is kind of
a hyper guy for a pothead.


Kenny is probably doing
the best out of all of us.

He's a kindergarten teacher
at some school downtown,

which I know might scare a lot of parents,
seeing as how he's a weedhead and all.

But let me tell you, man, that guy does
wonders for those children's self-esteem.

Thank you.
Oh, I love you so much, little one.

All of you. All of you.
It's so good.

Brian works at a new
and used record store.


He gets to talk about music all day.
I got a used Kenny Loggins album.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Lady, you want seven bucks for
a used Kenny Loggins record?

I'll give you five.
He autographed it himself.

All right,
I'll give you four.

Jan, stop it, man.

As far as herb goes,

you can get it
all over this town.

I mean, they might call it the city
that never sleeps, but I'll tell you this,

it takes a lot
of fucking weed naps.


You can get the stuff at little
corner stores called bodegas.

Say it with me,

Yes, very good.

These places always have
incredibly old products.

Cómo estás, fellas?
Hey. Hey.

But the weed ain't bad.

Let me get four dime bags.

I don't have no idea
what you're talking about.

Jose, you crazy, man.
He's crazy.

Come on, man.
Let me get them dimes.

See, the problem with bodegas
is they never remember you.

You always have to do something
extreme to let 'em know you're cool.

Hey, fellas. Y'all know me.
Come on, now. Look at this.

Hey, black ass.

Why you didn't
moon us earlier, eh?

It was a little degrading.

If you desperate,
you can get it

from the Rastas
at Washington Square Park,

but their stuff ain't
even weed most the time.

I don't fall for that shit anymore.

Then there's a delivery service
run by a guy named Samson Simpson.

Now, when you can afford it,
this is the best way.

I mean, you can get
anything you want,

from weed to heroin.

Now, I don't do drugs,
though. Just weed.


See, all you have to do is call
them up, and a half hour later,

you got a delivery guy
at your house.

What a country!

Hi, you called about your plumbing?
Empty pipes?

Secret code.

Come on in.

You want highs,
mediums or lows?

How are the highs, man?

I say they got a piney taste,
almost minty.

Notice the little red hairs.

And the rich greenery?
I see those.

And it's definitely the highest
grade hydroponics in the city.

What, did you go to weed college?
Damn, nigger.

All right.
Give me a 50 bag of that.

Been a pleasure.
Pleasure's all mine.

Tell Samson I said hello, would ya?
Sure thing.

Now, everybody has their own little
ritual when it comes to smoking.

Dope has arrived, fellas.

And we were no different.

Break out Billy Bong Thornton.

Billy, good to see you, man.

All right.
Light it up.

Shoes off.

Oh, Brian,
put yours back on, man.

For real, amigo.
Do your sock laundry, yo.

Gentlemen, assume your positions.


Fire in the hole.

We found it on the corner

So when we say

Bip Oxygen

Oh bip

That's good

Yo, who's on
munchies tonight, yo?

Not me.

I guess that'd be me.

What do you guys want?

Get some

sour cream and onion chips

with some dip, man.

Some beef jerky.
Some peanut butter.

Get some Häagen-Dazs
ice cream bars. A whole lot.

Make sure chocolate.
Gotta have chocolate, man.

Some popcorn. Bread.
Popcorn. Graham crackers.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows,
the little marshmallows.

And little chocolate bars.
We'll make some s'mores, man.

that's what I was saying, yo.

Also celery, grape jelly, Captain
Crunch with the little crunch berries.

Pizzas. We need
two big pizzas, man.

Everything on 'em.
With water, whole lot of water.

And... Funyuns.


That's it?

Anything else?

Oh, yeah.
Get me a box of condoms,

and what's that stuff?

We used to eat it all the time
back in the day.

Pussy. That's right.
You got it.

Thanks, man.

Hey, hey!

If I'm not back in 10 minutes,
call the police.

If he ain't back in 10 minutes,
we calling Domino's.

I'm hungry, man.
All right, yo.

Hey, girl. You hungry?

Fuck you, nigger!

Hey, I'm sorry.
I was talking to the horse.

See the trouble
you're getting me into?

You're hungry, aren't ya?

You like popcorn.

It makes your teeth go
pop, pop, pop.

This is Buster Phillips, and coming
in at number eight, like El Niño,

Samson Gets Me Lifted, by my main man.
Who? Sir Smoka Lot.

This guy is weed crazy.
Look at that.

What do you want, Master?
Bitch, you know what I want.

I wanna talk to Samson

Fly me to the moon
like that bitch Alice Kramden

'Cause it's hard
being black and gifted

Sometimes I wanna throw it
all down and get lifted

That is so cool, man.

He got the same dealer as us.
What you mean?

Oh, right.

Everybody knows in my neighborhood
it's the bestest around

Samson's shit is blessed

Got the whole town on lockdown

That's where I want to live.
Right there.

Think about this shit please

I'm all out.

I'm all out of food.
You ate it all.

Gee, you must've been so hungry.

Buttercup! Buttercup!

I need an ambulance,
now! Officer down.

I repeat, Officer down!

What the hell did you
give my Buttercup?

I just gave him
some candy and some chips

and some pink popcorn
and some Funyuns...

This horse is a diabetic!

Buttercup. Buttercup.

Don't you leave me.
Breathe, Buttercup.

Breathe. Breathe.



You're under arrest.

You dumb son of a bitch!

I'm a...
I'm a peaceful man.

I'm a schoolteacher!

Shut up! You're a cop killer.

Cop killer? I love horses.

I love horses.
I love horses.

I love buttered stuff.

Say it.
Butter nuts.

Cup. Cup.
Cup. Cup.

Why must you rage?
Stop the hate, child.

Bail is set
at one million dollars

for the crime of killing
an officer of the law.

And may God have mercy
on your soul, young man.

Court is adjourned.

Back to your cells.

Good night, Fish.

Fish! Fish!
Fish! Fish! Fish!

My weed's wearing off.

Guess who?

Yo. Thurgood.

Hey, nigger, what time is it?
It's 8:30.

Kenny didn't come home last night.
We are worried, man.

Word, yo.
Where the hell is he?

Did he just move?

Come on, guys.
We gotta get Kenny out of jail, man.

Hey, Kenny.
How they treating you in there?

Let's just say I'm not
getting the respect

a cop killer deserves.

All right, time's up.

I was up all night getting harassed.

Hi, there, Fish.
See what I mean?

I think they're mistaking
my kindness for weakness.

I'm scared.

Hey, Kenny, we're gonna
get you out of there, man.

All we gotta do is raise
10 percent of one million, yo.

Which, by our calculations...
Is fucking impossible, man!


Sorry, man. I'm sorry.

All my life,
I did everything right.

I never screwed up.
I fed the horse.

I didn't know it was a diabetic.

I'm scared.

Kenny, stop crying.
Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.

Come on. Don't let them
see you cry in there.

Come on, man. Show me your mean face.

Yes, show me
your mean face, Kenny.

That's good.

I mean, work on it
a little bit, but it's good.

Kenny, how long
can you make it in there?

I don't know.
Maybe 5:00, 6:30.

Come on, man. It's gotta
be a little longer than that.

But... But...
But we'll get you out, right, guys?

Yeah, you're out.
You're out of here. Free as a bird.

Number nine, time's up!

Time's up, number nine.
That's me.

Let's go.

I love you guys.

Have fun, Ken.

Cuídate, yo.

He looked all right, man.

They gonna kill him
in there, yo.

Hey, lady.
Miss, is this your purse?

I'm sexy.

I'm a scholar.

People like me.
Give it to me.

Hey, where you going?

I'm leaving.
Well, can I leave with ya?

Follow me.

And your name is?
Mary Jane.


So what's up with this?
Is that your work uniform?

Nah, this is my costume.

Tomorrow I'll be a cowboy,
the day after that an Indian.

Every day of the week, I dress up
like a different Village Person.

It's a thing I'm into.

Nah, I'm a custodian.

So, what are you here for?

Possession of narcotics.


My father's a drug dealer.

that must've been the shit.

It ruined his life.

That must've been shitty.

I don't do drugs.
Drugs make me sick.

They're bad for your body.
Up with hope, down with dope.

Thurgood. Come on, man.
We gotta go.

Get on the train.
Toke up before we go to work.

Yo, let's go, B.

What are you doing, man?

Bouncy. Body.
Is that Prell? Do you use Prell?

Yeah. That's what
I'm talking about.

Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.

That's what he's saying.
We wanna burn one.

No, no.
This is Mary Jane.

Meet her. Say hello to her.
Shake her hand even.

Oh, my fault. What's up?

All right.

Listen, do you guys need a ride?
I have a car.

You don't have
to take the subway.

Wow, you smoke?

No, my grandmother
died of lung cancer.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, that's all the more reason
to toke up, man. Ease the pain.

What I'm talking about.

You know, I think what they're trying
to say is we'd love a ride home.


What the hell's wrong with y'all?
She looked good.

Mary Jane!
What is that about, man?

I hate y'all.


Hey, thanks for this ride.
We really appreciate it.


Guys, shut up about the weed
for two seconds.

I don't want this girl
to know I smoke.

Yeah, it's bad enough
you're a janitor, yo.

Custodian, dick.


It's really real

It's really real

Said they're looking for
brains guts looks and skills

Step on up if you think you fit the bill

I know what you look like
but looks can be deceivin'

Let me check the brain
so I can justify the reason

Yeah Mister

This good for ya?

Could you drop me
in the lobby? It's perfect.

I could feel she wanted
me to say something.

I had to make my move
while the guys were asleep.

I'm real bad at this, but you think
sometime we could get together,

maybe go out for some
ice cream or something?

Motherfucker said, ice cream!


All the boys in the car need to get out.
Such a dork, man.

I'm talking to you.
Thanks a lot, fellas.

Thanks for the ride.

I knew it!
You forgot your hat.

I knew it.

You know, I might've came on too
strong with the whole ice cream thing.

Let me just give you
my number. Is that cool?

All right.

Now, don't call too late,

'cause you know I be stripping
in the evenings.


Here you go.
You can call me anytime you want.


Maybe is an acceptable answer.

It's that "no" thing
that gets me.

Maybe I'll hear from you.

Be thinking about you.

Dr. Kablecki,

please report
to Clinical Studies.

Dr. Kablecki.

Janitor? Janitor?

Sorry about that.
What is it, scientist?

Could you...
I know this isn't your responsibility,

but would you be a dear and run
this down to the supply department?

It's on the second floor.

Just run this down?

But make sure you bring
the order right back to me.

I need it ASAP.
Got ya.

I know this isn't your responsibility,

but mop the rest of this shit up.

I'll be right back.

What it smell like?
Smell like...


No. I smell weed, man.

Hey. Here you go.

This all you need?

I guess. I don't know.

Just a sec.


Either someone's
having a party,

or somebody gotta
do their shirt laundry.

Here you go.

One pound of marijuana, and you
can sign for it right here.

I sign for this,
and it's mine?

And I take it?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Some good shit.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Look, here's...

Here's a little something
for your troubles.

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's not tell anyone about it, okay?

Hey, why didn't you tell me
you were into this shit?

We could've been hanging out months ago.
No, no, no.

The Food and Drug Administration are
having us do a study to determine what,

if any, are the medicinal
purposes of marijuana.


If you ever need a guinea pig,
let me know.

My grandfather was in
the Tuskegee experiments.

Oh, really?

Anyway, thank you, janitor.

Thank you, scientist.
Got any papers?

No cocktail party would be
complete without the ice plant.

Hey, fellas.
What's going on?

What's up?
Nothing, man.

thinking about Kenny.


I got some weed at work today,
if y'all wanna try it out.

Nah, yo.
We don't feel like smoking right now.

Me neither. Me neither.

So, y'all want to smoke?
I'll get Billy Bong Thornton.

That's what I'm talking about.

No, Scarface.
No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny.

That would not be right, man.
Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.

Man, they got whole bunch
of this stuff at work.

One of those scientists
gave it to me.

Ain't tried the shit out yet,
but it smells like the bomb.

All right.
Yeah, man. Yeah.

I'll do the honors.

Excuse me.
Please do.

Yo, this shit must be good, B.

My man ain't coughed like that
since back in the day.

You sure I should do this, man?

Oh, yeah.
That shit made my head hot.

Oh, man.

Pass it this way.
Don't break the cipher.

Oh, hold it. I gotta
give The Guy some of this.

The Guy gotta taste this.

Hey, Guy.

Hey, man. Sorry to wake you,
but you gotta try this.

I'm taking it slow, man.

Hey, who's on munchies tonight?

We should make that lazy bitch,
The Guy, go.

For real.

I don't know about y'all,
but I can't even move.

Real, B, right?

It's like I feel stuck here, yo.

I'm glued to the floor.

You guys feel like
you're floating?


Wanna go outside?

I don't need to tell you this,
but this weed

was the shiz-nittle-bam

Wow, look at that!

Hey, you guys.

Let's go check in on Kenny, huh?

You're not a fish.
You're a man.

You're not a fish.
You're a man.

Where did that come from?

We've really gotta
get this guy out of jail.

You walk around on both legs,
Homo erectus!

Did I say homo?
I didn't mean that!

Thurgood! Thurgood!

I got it! I know how
we could get Kenny out.


Weed, man.
We'll sell weed.

Man, you can't up
and decide to sell weed.

You gotta know people to plug you
into that kind of thing.

I do!
Who you know?

You, yo.

What, you think I can just walk in
and take this shit?

I gotta... I gotta get
a form from a scientist.

Well, how hard can it be, man?

There's gotta be forms
laying around.

I mean, they are scientists.

What the fuck
are you talking about, man?

Look, I'm not stealing weed.
We are not selling weed.

We are three reasonably
bright young men.

Bully, man.
Word, yo.

There has got to be a legitimate
way to come up with this money.

We just gotta think.
That's all that is.

Wait. Wait.
I think I got an idea.

Why don't we sell that shit we
smoked the other night, yo?


You suggested that already.
For real, B?

Marijuana affects the memory.

It won't take us hardly any time, B.

Too risky, man.
Stop being such a wussy, yo.

What other choice do we have, right?

Okay, fine. Fine.
We'll do it.


Gonna do it till Kenny's out,
and we're done.

We're not drug dealers.
We're fund-raisers.

Of course, B.
Bully, man.


Scarface, lay it on me, brother.

Check it out, yo.
It's like this.

Scarface's plan
wasn't that bad.

Hey, good night, Mike.
See you tomorrow.

Good night.

All I had to do was get forms

from that scientist
that kept calling me janitor,

forge one of the forms and put
the order in like I did before.

Thank you.

Then we scraped together
what little money we had

and bought bikes
to help us move the product,

then stapled samples of our weed
on the back of our business cards.

Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy
in honor of our friend Kenny.

Hey, you guys believe in angels or...

Man, give me your fruit cocktail.

Well, I can't.

If I did that, then I'd have to
give it to you every day,

and I won't get
all my vitamins.

Do you know
who you're dealing with?

Chill, Nasty Nate.

He's my bitch.

Anybody gonna stab him,
it's gonna be me.

You got a problem with that?

Watch your back, Fish,

'cause Squirrel Master ain't gonna
be there for you all the time.

'Cause next time
I come for you,

I'm gonna want
some cocktail fruit.

Take it.

I'm somebody's bitch.

You guys gotta do something.

There's this guy Nasty Nate
who's after my cocktail fruit,

and everyone here
likes fresh fish.

And then the Squirrel Master came out
of left field and told me I'm his bitch.

Ken, listen. We got a plan.

What is it?

It's not the most honest plan.
You might not like it.

We gonna sell weed, yo.
Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.

All right, man.

No more window love.
Go and sell it.

We figured the best way to spread
the word was to hit the streets.

And hit the streets we did.

Mary Jane
How y'all feel about Mary Jane

Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
Mary Jane

So listen to what they say
'cause Mary never could trip

Mary very very necessary
Extraordinary bein' Mary

To the mortuary

One kiss from her sweet lips
and out come a-vision

Three for dinner.

Smoke that and get back to us.

Mr. Nice Guy has arrived,
baby. He's on.

All right.

I'm in love with Mary Jane
I'm not the only one

Oh, yes.

Mary likes to play around

Look at all these people!

All right, guys. Be quick.
Let's just do this and get out of here.

Let's go, man. Let's go.
It's money.

Mary likes to spread her love

And turn my head around

I'm in love with Mary Jane

She is my main thing

She make me feel all right

She make my heart sing

All right,
how'd you guys make out?

Good. I'm all out of cards, B.
Me too.

That would make three of us.

All right.
We did our part, right?

I just hope they smoke it.

If you love me Mary Jane
Mary Jane

We're talkin'
about Mary Jane

How y'all feel about Mary Jane
Mary Jane

She's my main thing

We're talkin'
about Mary Jane

Damn, this weed is good.

Y'all don't know about Mary Jane
Mary Jane

She make my heart sing

This is so...
We are in business, man.

Hold on. Hold on.

Mr. Nice Guy.
Oh, I may have the wrong number.

Is Thurgood around?

Oh, hey, hey.
It's Mary Jane.

Do you remember?
I gave you a ride home from prison?

Well, could you be
a little more specific?

I get so many rides home
from prison.

That was a joke.

What happened?
I didn't think you were gonna call me.

Well, I wasn't, but then I decided
I don't care what my friends think.

See, that was a joke.
Get it? A little joke.

Not funny.
So, you wanna get together?

Okay. Sure. When?

How 'bout right now? Just meet me
at the place you dropped us off at.

Okay. Can you give me
half an hour?

Yeah, half an hour's cool.

All right. Okay.
I'll see you there.


I've got a date
with Mary Jane!

Word, yo?

All right, man.
Y'all got money?

The date couldn't have
come at a worse time.

I was flat broke.

All my money was tied up
in our drug-dealing venture.

I only had eight bucks.

This was gonna take some
careful budgeting and maneuvering.


Watch the master at work.

You look great. You look wonderful.
Thank you.

You know what?
I was thinking it's so nice out,

wanna go for a walk?

Yeah, sure.
We can go for a walk.

Good. Good. Let's.

So far, so good.

Three hours and 14 miles later,
I hadn't spent one penny.

Damn, I was good!

And then it happened.

I'm hungry too.

Hey, you wanna eat
at the Happy Palace?

How 'bout a hot dog, huh?

Hey, what luck.
Hot dog.

Hey, what can I get you?

Could I have a hot dog
with ketchup and sauerkraut?

Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.

I've not had a hot dog
in so long.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Anything to drink?
You son of a bitch!

Yes. Could I have a Pepsi,

Anything for you, sir?
No. I'm fine. Thank you.

Greedy bastard!

Didn't you promise me
ice cream the other day?

I know a really
good place uptown.

Great. Let's hoof it.

Do you mind if we take
a cab this time?


Thanks a lot, buddy.

You should be happy
with the tip I gave you. Damn.

You should be kissing my ass.
You guys are greedy.

Best ice cream in town.

Spare change for some food?

Don't mind if I do.
Thanks, young brother.

No, thank you.

Yeah, I mean,
I do miss my dad.

But he deserves
to be where he is.

Drug dealers
belong in jail.

Yeah. Yeah, wow.

How long he been in there?

Four years next month.
Four years.

And what exactly was he selling?

Four years just for weed?

Just? No, no, no, no.
Not just.

Marijuana is terrible.
It's a gateway drug.

I mean, everybody knows
that it leads to other stuff.

Yeah, mostly junk food.

You don't smoke weed, do you?

Come on, Mary Jane.

I mean, do I look like somebody
that would smoke... marijuana?

So you swear you don't?
Yeah, sure.

Okay, well, swear on this banana
split that you don't do marijuana.

What? Oh, my God.

Do you swear?

Yes, Mary Jane. I swear.

That you got pretty eyes.

That's good.

That's real good.

I got some booty

I got some booty

I got some booty

It was really good too.

She was a giver,
a caring nurturer.

She held me in her arms, and it was
like I was 15 years old all over again.

I was hooked on Mary Jane.

The next morning the phones blew up like
we were having a fucking telethon, man.

Everybody in New York was calling
to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.

We met all kinds of customers,
like this guy here.

He's what we call
an enhancement smoker,

'cause he thinks marijuana makes
every activity that much better.


You're Scarface, right?

I love Al Pacino, man.

Did you ever see Scent of a Woman?

Did you ever see
Scent of a Woman... on weed?

That's the way to see it, man!
It's just whacked! Pow!

Sixty bucks, yo.
That's cool, man.

I got it. I got it.

Did you ever see the back
of a $20 bill, man?

Man, I don't know, yo.

Did you ever see the back
of a $20 bill... on weed?

Oh, there's some weird shit
in there, man!

There's a dude sitting in the bushes.
Does he have a gun?

I don't know, man.
What? What?

Red team go.
Red team go.

Just some weird shit, man.
Man, you're fucking crazy, yo.

Take your shit.
No, that's cool. Thanks, man.

Hey, yo, wait!
Dude, I'm gonna check out the stars later.

It's really trippy.
Especially on weed, man.

A scavenger smoker is someone
who never has weed of their own.

But as soon as you smoke it,
here they come.


What up?

What's up, dogs? Scoot over.
Let me get in here, man.

What y'all doing?

Yeah, just chilling.

I smell it. Let me inhale it.
Let me have some.

All right, man.
Just one hit, you scavenger.

Always come around.

Can't even smoke weed in peace.

I ain't even into the motherfucker yet.
Back up, brother.

You know we sell this?
I don't know if you knew that.

It's too bad, man.
I just stopped smoking yesterday.

I'm gonna get up out of here.
Y'all stay up, now. Nice seeing y'all.

Yeah. Look at that shit.

Then there's the
You Should've Been There smoker.

They love talking about
the old days, back when weed was grass.

Hell, back in the '60s, we used
to smoke that shit on the street.

Cops didn't say nothing. Hell,
they was getting high too.

Everybody was doing it.

It wasn't the thing to do because
it was the thing to do, you know?

It was the thing to do
because it got you high.

Can you dig?
I feel ya. That's why I'm doing it.

I feel it.

Man, you're cool as shit, mister.

I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you.
That's 60 bucks.

Sixty bucks?

Man, I remember when a dime bag
cost a dime, you know what I mean?

You know how much condoms
used to cost in them days?

How much?
I don't know. We never used 'em.

We call this kid the
After School Special smoker.

He spends all of his allowance on reefer.
Thanks, little buddy.

Now, in the next room, his father,
and I'm 40, But I'm Still Cool smoker,

is toking up, trying to figure out
a way to bond with his son.

Isn't that ironic?
Don't you think?

'Course across town, the kid's Nana's
smoking up, trying to ease her glaucoma.

And it's good for arthritis too.

We made over 20 grand
that first week, man.

And because we were stealing the weed,
not buying it, it was all profit.

But if we were gonna save Kenny,
we had to deliver full-time.

Scarface quit his job.

Still waiting on that Heifer,

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. You're cool.

And fuck you. I'm out!

Brian was gonna quit, but
they fired him before he could.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'm not gonna do what
everyone thinks I'm gonna do.

Flip out, man!

All I wanna know is,
who's coming with me?

Who's coming, man?
Who's coming with me?

Who's coming with me, man?

I will.

Thank you, Jan. Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Bully, man. Yeah.

Jan, will you
be my girlfriend?

I would,
but I'm gay, you know?

I'm a big dyke.

What's that like?

Thank you for calling.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

We had to hire that girl Jan
'cause she followed Brian.

But it actually worked out.
Mr. Nice Guy.

She was more organized than we were,
and she was willing to work for weed.

All right, then.

Mr. Nice Guy was blowing up, man.

We got customers
from all over New York.

We even stole a few from Samson.
Oh, what's up, nigger?

Come on in, man.
Come on, weed man.

Thanks, baby.

Get on. Beat it.
You're scaring him.

Ha! Sir Smoka Lot.

What can I get you today, Smoka Lot?
Love weed.

Let me get a pound
of your sweetest cheeba.

Damn. Yes!

Something told me
to bring a lot of weed, man.

Shit. Pound
of my sweetest cheeba.

Don't get no better than that.
Can smell it through the bag.

That's gonna be 9,600 bucks, bro.

Let's see what I got here.

Come on, man. Hang out for a minute.
Smoke with me.

I got weed. I got my bong out.
Come on, son.

For you, man,
I'll stay for a minute.

But then I gotta be...
Gotta be going.

I understand.

And Smoka Lot opened up to me
like I was Barbara Walters.

It was ridiculous.
He told me about his lawyer.

He had sex with my mama! Why?

His spirituality.
God, if you listening, help!

His bad back.
Doctor said I need a backeotomy.

His love life.

I'm impotent, man.
Get away from me, bitch!

I mean, talk about
a guy with problems.

Tough break.

I can't take it no more.
No wonder he smokes a pound a week.


So now we had
a famous clientele and...

Greeneyes gonna miss you.

And guess what else?

Call me next week about weed,
about weed.

I got more booty!
I got more booty!

I don't mean to rub it in, folks.

It's just that, you know,
I liked this so much, man.

When I was with her, I didn't
even think about weed.

Didn't have to.

She was all the Mary Jane I needed.

When I was young

I never needed anyone

Makin' love was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

What did I tell you, Nate?
Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on, Nate.

He had to stay vigilant.

Wash off your...

Kenny's butthole
was in constant jeopardy.

But we were making money.

Hey, what's up, mates?

What's up, man?
What's up, boy?

What's up, yo?
Nada. I'm just chilling.

Hey, guys. Why is there
a dog biting The Guy?

'Cause I bought a dog, B.
Bought a dog?

For how much?
Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.

Including the house,
it was only 250, yo.

You spent $250 on a used dog?

And a dog house, yo.
Brian bought something, too.

For $400, I got Jerry Garcia
in a pouch, man.

Who the hell told you that?
The guy who sold it to me. Barry Garcia.

And what he's supposed to be?
Jerry Garcia's brother?

No. Actually,
it's Andy Garcia's brother.

Why the hell are you guys
spending money?

We're not drug dealers, remember?

We're fund-raisers.

Well, you said you gave Mary Jane
a pearl necklace.

How much did that cost, man?

You know, obviously you missed
the point of that story, Brian.

Come on, guys. Return this shit.
We can't, yo.

Why am I telling Mary Jane
I don't have any money?

'Cause you're a fibber.
No, because we don't have any money.

The money we do have
is not for spending.

It's for saving Kenny's
sweet virgin ass, man!

If you guys spend one more dime,
I swear I will bitch-slap you.

Give me that.

Sorry for yelling.
But I'm serious.

We gotta start being
more responsible and focused.

All right? Let's be sharp.

your dog is mean, man.

I know, all right.

Somebody gotta do something
about this shit right now.

Come here, doggie.

Hey, little fellow. Smell it?

Hey! Smell it. Okay.
All right.

Good boy.

He likes it.
He loves it, man.

Of course he loves it.
Yeah, your paws are tingling, aren't they?

Now you're one of us.

Get it, Killer.

He likes it, yo.
Yeah, man, he really likes it.

Good for you, man.
Man, what did you guys do to him, yo?

Nothing, man.
Yo, Killer. Kill! Killer, kill!

This weed is fantastic!

We kept plugging away
with the weed deliveries,

and we kept meeting different
kinds of smokers, like this lady.

She's an I'm Only Creative
If I Smoke smoker.


She believes weed, and only weed,
brings out the artist in her.

Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Not really.

You really should.

"I have killed
I have helped kill

"I have killed part of myself
I cannot change this, I

"I must seek Buddha
I must seek Christ"

You must seek therapy.

That's what I would go with,
but that's my own...

The MacGyver smoker is a very
handy guy to have around,

especially when it
comes to reefer.

Hey, man, we're out of papers.

All right. Then get me a toilet paper
roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.

We don't have a corkscrew.

All right. Then get me an avocado,
an ice pick and my snorkel.

Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less.
Hurry up!

And then you got

your straight-up potheads.

You can spot these people
by their lack of motivation,

mood swings, forgetfulness and,
of course, the dreaded low sperm count.

I don't know which one of these categories
we fall into, but I'll tell you this.

We ain't no goddamn potheads.


Then you have the avid nonsmoker.

A lot of times they'll get your number
accidentally from one of their girlfriends,

call up and place an order
knowing they don't smoke weed

and request that you
personally deliver it.

Then when you get there, they're
all mad that it's you selling weed.

You smoke weed?
At last we can share everything.

Get off me,
you lying son of a bitch!

What is this?

Looks like some sort of
a business card.

Yeah, with your number on it.

You know,
I can't believe this!

I can't believe that I fell for another
one of you lowlife assholes again.

God, what is wrong with me?

Hey, Mary Jane, I can explain everything,
all right?

Goodbye, Thurgood.
Wait! Hold up!

Hey, Mary Jane!

Mary Jane, look, the only reason I
lied to you was because I like you

and I wanted to be with you.

Mary Jane.

Knight Rider.

A shadowy flight
into the dangerous world

of a man who does not exist.

why the long face, man?

Mary Jane dumped me.
Quiet down, yo.

Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.

When life is hard I pick up
that card with the smiley face

Call him over to my place

Box it.
Man, it gets you high

And that's when things
started going wrong.

Samson, it looks like somebody is
cutting into your business, baby.

Do you like what you see, Samson?

Do I look like
I like what I see?

Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?

I would imagine he's some
sort of drug dealer.

Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.

I wanna sit him down
and ask him some questions.

Hey, Squirrel Master.

Listen, I just wanted to say thank
you for protecting me back there.

We didn't mind, huh,
did we, Fuzzy Nuts?

I hope there's some way I can pay
you back when we get on the outside.

You better hurry up.
I get out in 11 days.

Is that right?

Kenny, 11 days?

That seems a little stiff, man.

Eleven days, Thurgood,
I'm as good as skewered.

Ever take your clothes off and
run backwards through a cornfield?

Hurry, Thurgood.

I'm counting on you, man!
Please! Please!

Eleven days wasn't
gonna give us much time.

We really had to hustle, and that
meant taking on new customers.

Damn, B! I been set up.

We'll get back
to that in a second.

But meanwhile I hadn't seen
Mary Jane in, like, a week.

I couldn't stop thinking about her, man.
I missed her.

Then I started thinking
about the fact

that she was the only girl
I slept with in five years.

Then I started thinking about the
girl I slept with before Mary Jane.

I had to get Mary Jane back.

What do you want?

I want you back, Mary Jane.

I miss you.
I'll do whatever it takes to get you back.

I can't quit selling it yet,
but I'll quit smoking it.

If that's what you want, then,
then I'll change for you.

Heard that before.
Said that before.

But this time I mean it.

I'm gonna come back here.
I'm gonna be clean.

I'm gonna be sober.
There's no more weed, no more nothing.

Mary Jane, you'll see.
I'll be back. I'll be a changed man.

There's a new Thurgood Jenkins today.

I love you.

Man, that first day
of sobriety sucked.

And I realized something.

I was a real irritable guy

when I wasn't
smoking marijuana.

I couldn't stop thinking
about getting high.

It was time to get help.

Hi, everyone.
My name is Thurgood.

Hi, Thurgood.

I'm here today
because I'm addicted...

to marijuana.

You in here
because of marijuana?


Man, this is some bullshit!

Marijuana is not a drug.

I used to suck dick for coke.
I seen him!

And that's an addiction, man.

You ever suck dick for marijuana?

No. No, I can't say I have.
I didn't think so.

Boo this man! Boo!




Devil man.

Devil. 666.
The mark of the beast!

No! Naughty!

Naughty jungle of love!

The man is serious.
Calm down. How serious can it be?

He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy.
He told me.

Oh, man.

No, yo!

They killed Killer, B!

Yo, Samson did this, man.

Yo, he killed Killer, man.

He killed...

I'm gonna call Brian.

Let's just give him
a proper burial, all right?

I'm sorry, man.

Jesus Christ.

Watch it, man!

I'm sorry.
You stepped on his head!

I'm sorry.
I didn't even see him.

I gotta smoke.
I have got to smoke.

What happened, man?

You wanna know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.

Samson and his girls came rolling
up in here looking for me.

They was gonna mess me up if I
didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.

So they probably
roughed The Guy up,

then they started going to war
with the apartment.

They had nunchucks, bolos.
They be doing Indian burns.

Killer paid the price, yo.

He got the wrath.
He got the wrath of the nunchucks, yo.

I think it's more complex
than that.

More complex than that?
You know what I think happened?

You want to hear
what I think, man?

First of all, to understand
what happened to Killer,

you gotta understand
who Killer the dog was.

Now, Killer was born to
a three-legged bitch mother.

He was always
ashamed of this, man.

And right after that, he's adopted
by this man, Tito Liebowitz.

He's a small-time gunrunner
and rottweiler fight promoter.

So he puts Killer into training.
They see Killer's good.

He is damn good.

But then he had the fight
of his life.

They pit him
against his brother Nibbles.

And Killer said, "No, man, that's
my brother. I can't fight Nibbles!"

And he made them fight anyway.

And then Killer,
he killed Nibbles.

And Killer said, "That's it."

He called off all his fights,
and he started doing crack,

and he freaked out.

And then in a rage, he collapsed,

and his heart

no longer beat.


You know, I never thought
I'd say this to anybody,

but you two smoke
entirely too much reefer.

What if The Guy did it?

No way. You think?


Yo, The Guy,
did you kill my dog?

I believe him, yo.
I don't know why, but I do.

Samson did this shit, yo.

Mr. Nice Guy,
Party Accessories.

Well, did you get my message?

Who is this?

This is Samson, smarty-pants.

Operator with an emergency
breakthrough from your sister.

Samson, this is Sheila. Mama fell...
Shut up, bitch!

You tell Mr. Nice Guy
to get his Jamaican ass

over to my place
at 3:00 tomorrow!

Now, you don't want me to get ugly.
No, sir.

All right. I'll tell them.

Oh, my God.

We're in a lot of trouble.

Scarface, perhaps you could help me.

Why do you think Samson thinks
that Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican?

Oh, 'cause I told him Mr. Nice Guy
was Jamaican, yo.


I just thought he sounded Jamaican
inside my head.

We're in a lot of trouble, guys.

We have a meeting
with Samson tomorrow at 3:00.

Where are we gonna get a Jamaican?

I'll pretend I'm Jamaican, man.


You have smoked yourself retarded.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.

Welcome to my lair.

Well, now.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, you know,
I be from Jamaica, man.

Lord have mercy.

What part of Jamaica?

Right near the beach. Boy...

I think you're bullshitting me.

Samson Simpson,
I stick by my story!

I'm from Jamaica.

If I wasn't Jamaican, then why
would I wear this hat?


get me 814.


What the fuck is 814?


I'm sorry, y'all. I don't want to be
the first nigger to die from a crossbow.

You know,
I have been lying to you.

I'm sorry.
Samson, I'm sorry. Okay?

We, we just started this because
our friend got locked up.

Brother, you know how that is.
We had to get him out of jail.

Now this is what's gonna happen.

You make about 40,000,
50,000 a week.

Shit. I wish.
Well, I want half!

$20,000 a week,
or you're dead!

You understand?

20,000 seems fair. That seems fair,
right guys? It's fair.

Class dismissed.

Man, we are in trouble, man.

Jerry, I really need
your help, man. Feel us.

Brian, will you stop praying to
a bag of sand, man? Come on.

You heard the man.

If we don't get this money,
we're dead. All of us!

Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your boy,
The Guy, to lend you some money?

You certainly let him
stay here long enough.

Man, that's Brian's boy.
I didn't let him stay here.

I don't know him, man.

Hey, what day is it?

Is it January?
No, man, it's August.

Oh, wow. August.

Hey, I couldn't help
overhearing you guys.

You know, if you want
to double your profits,

you should rob that lab.

Tomorrow's Sunday.
There'll be no one in there.

Just go in
and rob the place blind.

It'll work, I promise you.

Hey, seeing as how
we don't know who you are,

are you planning on moving out
anytime soon?

Thurgood, why don't you just
focus on one thing at a time?

I'll be fine. The robbery
is what's important now.

Phase One is complete, yo.

All right.

Now all we gotta do is go down this
hatch to the second-floor supply room.

Grab all the weed you can grab,
and we are out of here!

Sick, man! This is it?
Let's do it.

Watch your step.

You didn't say nothing about no door, yo.
Chill out, man.

I smoke weed here all the time.
This door's never locked.

I didn't say the alarm would be off.

I said it never locked.
Well, hurry, yo!

You guys, wait up!


Hold up!

Isn't that Thurgood, the custodian?

Want me to call the cops?
No. This is too much fun.

Right over here! Come on!

I hope there's some left.

Maui Wowie!

I never seen this much weed in my life!
Let's go!

Come on, man!

Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head.

Yo, I'm gonna make
a run for it, B.

Just get down, man.

At least Brian got away, yo.

Whoa! My nads! Oh!

Hey, thank God, man!

Get down on your knees with
your hands behind your head!

Move in.

Breaking and entering.
You got me? Open and shut.

I say we book them.
You got me? We book them.

Hey, wait a minute, guys.

It's not open and shut.
What do you guys do for a living?

I'm a detective.
Yeah, we're detectives.

Oh. Okay then, detect.
Ask us something.

What do you know about this new
Jamaican, this Mr. Nice Guy?


Shit, yo.

Well, I heard he's got great weed,
but that's neither here nor there.

I mean,
we can't bring him down. Crazy.

But we can bring you Samson.

Just ask me how. Ask me!

How are you gonna bring Samson down?

We got a meeting
with him in a couple days.

I'll wear a wire.

All right, listen to me.
There's $30,000 in this knapsack.

When you get in there, give him
the 20 grand you owe him,

and with the remaining ten, buy
whatever narcotics he's got around.

You got me?
You paying attention?

No. Sorry, man.

Unless you say out loud what it
is you're buying, we got nothing.

So make sure
that you say it,

and make sure that
you get Samson to say it.

No codes. No slang.

As soon as you got the stuff, or if anything
goes wrong, say the phrase, abracadabra.


Okay. Okay.
Make sure that you are relaxed.

And just act completely normal.

That's gonna be a problem.
What do you mean?

I mean we haven't smoked
any weed today, man.

If the three of us
go in there all clear-eyed,

Samson is gonna know something's up.

Well, if you think
it's gonna help.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's
gonna help. You got a light?

Thanks, Officer.

I just wanna say, that was
a great idea, Thurgood.

Wow. I mean, where do you even...
Just smoke it, yo!

If something happens to us,
could you,

could you give this letter
to Mary Jane Potman?

Sure thing, kid.

And, and tell our friend Kenny Davis
we love him. He's in prison.

Let's go. Come on.
All right. Let's move.

Just remember to speak clearly.

Get him to say what he's selling you.

It ain't always good to get high
before you have important things to do.

Lucky for us,
the cops had our backs.

- Hello, boys.
- Hi, Samson.

So, where's the money?

Right here in my bag.

Samson, can I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

Do you know where we can score
some cocaine?

You want some candy?
No, thanks.

But it'd be great if we
can get some cocaine.

What's so funny?
Those guys, those guys are doomed!

I can't feel my hands!
I can feel them.

What we have here
is some Colombian heaven.

- Pure cocaine.
- Candy makes you dandy.

This is all the cocaine
we get for ten G's, B?

We have other product.
Oh, like more cocaine?

And that is?

Fine China. Babaloo.

Looks like heroin to me, yo.
Yeah. Is that heroin?

You've got to be the dumbest dealers
in the history of the dope game.

You mean the game that you run, yo?

Just call me Jesse Owens.

Jesse, can we get some cocaine

and get the hell out of here?

Can I buy some of your heroin, too?


All right.

It's been a pleasure doing
business with you.

Thank you very much for
the heroin and the cocaine.

Here's your money.

All right.


Yeah, man!


"You're all the Mary Jane
I'll ever need."

Abracadabra, yo!
Oh, abracadabra, man.

Boy, why do you keep saying that?

What? Abracadabra?

Yes. Abracadabra.

It's the latest thing.
All the kids are saying it, all right?

Abracadabra, my brother.
What's up, Abracadabra?

Slim, take off your shirt.

Samson, Samson,
I hardly know you.


Abracadabra, man!
Abracadabra, yo!

Abracadabra! Abra...

You're dead!

All of you!

Hey, fellas,
let's beat these bitches!

Let's work it out.

Oh, yo, your titty.

Now, that's a titty.
Fully, man.

That is an official fully.

These are mean people.
Look out!

Mean, mean, man.

This is for Killer, B.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Look who's walking.

Nigger, I thought you said
you was crippled.

Well, sweet pea, we're all crippled
in some way.

Put it down!
You win.

Now, this is the way
it's gonna work.

I'm gonna take your little
Mexican friend with me,

and I'm gonna kill him.

I'm Cuban, B.
Yes, Cuban B.

Now is there
anything you want to say...

... to your friends?

we need you.
Abracadabra, B!

Oh, man!

Oh, wow.

Sucks to be you, man!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

What did I...
I told you he was real, man.

Jerry, thank you, man.

You're welcome, Brian.


Well, abracadabra.

All right.
What the hell's going on here?

Our job is done. These guys can go home.
You guys are wasted, man.

Thurgood, Thurgood.
Nice letter.

Give me that back.

Everybody, freeze!
Oh, shit!

Nobody move!

The cops took all the credit
for busting Samson,

but that's not important.

What was important is that we cut a deal,
and Kenny was finally free.


Which brings me to the Brooklyn Bridge,

where I had to make things right
with Mary Jane.

Are you?

A little bit from yesterday,
you know, when Kenny got...

But, but,
but Mary Jane, listen.

I'm done.
I'm done selling it.

I'm done smoking it.
This is the last of it, right here.

I just wanted you to see
me get rid of it.

Could we just have a...
A moment alone?

Do what you gotta do.
Be strong.

Thanks, baby.

Mary Jane,

being with you these past 11 years
has been wonderful.

But I gotta move on.

Come on. Smoke me.
Have a quickie for old time's sake.

No. She's looking.

She's looking.
All right. Real quick.

No. No! It wouldn't be right.

God damn you!

You'll be back!

Everything work out okay?

Yeah. Mary Jane, I love you.

I love you, too.

I know.
I know what you're thinking.

That old Thurgood sold out, right?
I'm your girl now.

But let me tell you something.
I love weed, okay? I love it.

But not as much as I love pussy.

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

Sitting here together, baby

We're alone

Now I can tell ya, girl

You turn me on

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

You've got the love that

The love I desire, babe

You've got the match

Ooh, that lights my life

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

You got the love that

The love I desire, babe

You've got the match

Ooh, that lights my fire

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

I get lifted up

High, high, high, high

Hey, everybody,
I'm Dave Chappelle.

If you want to learn more about marijuana
or other illegal substances,

go to your local library.

Remember, the more you read...

The smarter you are.


All right, man.