Hail the Conquering Hero (1944) - full transcript

(BAND PLAYING)

Two boilermakers.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) Far away
though I may roam, dear

Fill her up?
Yeah.

Why don't you grab yourself
off a skirt and
have yourself a time?

Why don't you...
Your beer's running over.

Home to the arms I hold dear

Home to the arms

of Mother

Safe from this world's alarms



That's where I spend
each night in my dreams

Why don't they sing
something gay?

Why don't you acquire
a gay viewpoint?

It's all mental,
every bit of it.

Smile, and the world
smiles with you.
Frown, and you frown alone.

I'd just as soon be alone,
if it's just the same to you.

Gratitude.

By that vine-colored door

As you stood in the gloaming

to welcome me home

Home to the arms

of Mother

Never again

to roam



SERGEANT: If you could shoot
craps like you can shoot
your mouth off,

you'd be the biggest
breeze shooter
this side of Hong Kong.

He's the two biggest!
I was fading the guy.

How am I supposed to know
the guy's gonna
pass eight times?

You was fading
the guy with our money!

Well, it was my money, too.
We're partners, ain't we?

Especially now.
Partners in the soup.

Yeah, no dough.
Nothing to do.

If you wasn't so big,
I'd take a poke at
that dumb kisser of yours.

Why don't you try it, Mac?
Save it for the Japs.

You shouldn't have faded
so many times.

You gonna start now?

Give me one last 10 spot.
I'll go back...

You had it, fancy fingers!
"Give me one last 10 spot"!

Who do you think
you're talking to?
Morgenthau?

Never again

to roam

To roam

Where you going?

I got 15 cents.
I held out on you.

(BAND PLAYING)

Will you close the door,
please?

Yes, gentlemen?

One beer.
One beer?

One beer and no cracks.

Yes, sir.

Gonna share it
or swill it all down
by yourself?

Give me
your elk's tooth.

Wait a moment.
My old man gave me...
Come on!

(WHISTLES)

SERGEANT: Come here.

You the manager?
Yes, sir.

We're just a little bit
short of cash, see,

or I'd never make you
this proposition.

I was gonna save it
for the museum, see,

but when you're out on a limb,
you gotta make sacrifices,
that's all.

You follow me?
I'm ahead of you.

I'm gonna let you in
on the ground floor of
something very, very rare.

You remember
when General Yamatoho
committed hari-kari?

Possibly.
I happened to be
very close by, see?

Big man, wasn't he?
Immense.

This is one of
the rarest mementos...

You wouldn't like to buy
the flag they buried
him in, would you?

I could let you
have it very reasonable.
I have it in several sizes.

MacArthur's suspenders!

The first bullet that
landed in Pearl Harbor.
You can take your pick.

A piece of
a Japanese submarine.

If you look at it this way,
it becomes a German submarine,

and this way it is
a piece of a shell
that just missed Montgomery.

Here we have
the seat of Rommel's pants,

and last but not least
we have a button
from Hitler's coat,

although that one
I don't personally believe.

SERGEANT: Wise guy.

It's all paid for.

Oh, boy!
You said it!

By you?
Not by me, it wasn't.

You don't have to
give me no credit.

The guy at
the end of the bar.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Was this from you?

I just happened to hear
the waiter say something
about six Marines and one beer

and to serve it with
six straws or something.

He did, did he?
Where is he?

Anyway, that was
a very nice gesture,
civilian.

Don't mention it.

You want
General Yamatoho's tooth?

No, thanks.
You could send it
to your mother,

if you got one.
No, thanks.

I already sent her
some souvenirs.

Well, then here's to you.

Semper fidelis.
ALL: Semper fidelis.

You know our motto, eh?
Yeah, I know the motto.

Was you in
the Marine Corps, maybe?

That's too bad, Mac.
That's all right.
Set them up again.

Don't you want
anything else beside beer?

Well, personally,
I never touch anything
stronger than rye whiskey.

Seven ryes.
You can use
the beer for chasers.

You sure you ain't spending
too fast like fancy Felix,
the Craps King here?

Besides, I can't think of
any way I'd rather spend
my money than for Marines.

Guadalcanal.
It's a great place
to be from.

Well, sukiyaki.
How long you out?

From the Marines?
Yeah.

I was only in a month.
That's too bad.

You hardly had time
to get corns on your feet.

Were you wounded?
How could he get
wounded in boot camp?

He could've
fell off a roof.

What would he be doing
on a roof?

It was hay fever,
chronic hay fever.

Gee, that's
the worst kind, too.

It's terrible.
I had a girl once who had it.

Every time you'd
get close to her,

she'd sneeze
right in your kisser.

It was the excitement.
Well, better luck next time.

Did you try any of the other
branches of the Service,
like the Army or the Navy?

They'll take anything.
They wouldn't take me.

I went into a shipyard.
My grandmother is a WAC.

What good is that
gonna do him?

I don't know why
hay fever is so terrible.

It's because you never know
when it's gonna hit you.

I remember one night,
this dame had a bowl of
noodle soup in front of her,

and all of a sudden...

(MIMICS SNEEZING)

Anyway, I was kind of
born to be a Marine.

My father was killed
in Belleau Wood
the day I was born.

Belleau Wood?
Almost the same hour.

All I ever thought about
was being a Marine.

I took exercises.
I never drank or smoked.
I studied all about them.

I can tell you every battle
the Marines were in
from 1775 down to now.

New Providence, Fort Nassau,
the second Battle of Trenton,

the Bonhomme Richard
and the Serapis...

"I have not yet begun
to fight."

Tripoli in 1805,
Nuku Hiva in 1812,

the Battle of
Hatchee-Lustee River in 1837,

Veracruz in '46, Chapultepec,
the halls of Montezuma,

Panama in '85,
Guantanamo Bay in '98,

then the Philippines,
the Boxer Rebellion in China,

Nicaragua, Coyotepe Hill,
Fort Riviere and Haiti.

Then Chateau-Thierry,
Belleau Wood, the charge
at Soissons, Saint-Mihiel,

and now Wake Island,
Guam, Bataan,

Corregidor, Guadalcanal.

They bled and died.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

They gave me a big send-off
when I left home.

Band was playing, everybody
hollering, the dogs barking,
my mother crying.

Everybody wondering if I'd
come home a general or just
a sergeant like my father.

Well, it's one thing to
come home with things
like that on your chest,

and another thing to go home
with hay fever
and a medical discharge.

You mean you ain't
been home yet?

I wrote I was leaving
for overseas.

You shouldn't do that
to your mother.

I wrote a couple of letters
to say I was all right,

and I asked a kid to mail them
from overseas for me.

Suppose that he didn't
get a chance to mail them?

Well...
That's a terrible thing
to do to your mother.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

You say your father
was a sergeant
at Belleau Wood?

That's right.

What was his name?
I was at Belleau Wood.

Truesmith.

Truesmith?

You mean
Hinky Dinky Truesmith?

That's right.

Why, he was my sergeant.
I saw him fall!

Right then I was being born,
in Oak Ridge, California.

Did you know
your father got the
Congressional Medal of Honor?

I grew up with it.
They hung it on me.

Is that where she lives,
Oak Ridge?

Who?
Your mother.

Sure.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

It's an honor to meet you,
kid. What's your name?

Woodrow Lafayette
Pershing Truesmith.

Go ahead and laugh.

That ain't anything
to laugh at to
anyone who knows anything.

Boys, I want you to
shake hands with Hinky Dinky
Truesmith's boy, Woodrow.

Corporal Candida.
How do you do?

Privates
First Class Swenson...

Swenson, glad to know you.

Jones...
Jones.

My name is Heppelfinger.
Julius. And you can
just call me Sarge.

Set them up. Excuse me.
Certainly, Sarge.

I guess you never got to know
your father very well, huh?

Well, not exactly,
as he fell the day I was born.

That's right.

It's hard to realize.
He was a fine-looking fellow.

He didn't look anything
like you at all.

I know. We've got a picture
of him at home and...

This is Bugsy Walewski.
Pleased to meet you.

Listen, after a guy's
bought you...
Sure, go ahead.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

He ought to be ashamed
of himself for treating
his mother that way.

He never had any mother.
He's from a home.

He's all right.
He just got a little shot up,
that's all. Nothing serious.

So, you're Hinky Dinky's boy.

I travel 100,000 miles
and run into
Hinky Dinky's boy.

He was a brave kid.

Not quite as old as you are.
I know. I...

There was 16 of us,
see, in this wood.

There'd be
a German right there,
and you'd be right here,

and he couldn't see you,
and you couldn't see him.

Then, all of a sudden,
almost right under your feet,
you'd hear the...

(SERGEANT MIMICKING GUNFIRE)

Oak Ridge.

but isn't it kind of late
to be calling somebody up
in the middle of the night?

Are you sure it's important?

He did? Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place,
for heaven's sake?

Then Louie is lying there
holding his belly.
One of the kids is crying.

Then somebody says,
"Let's draw lots,"

but Hinky says,
"I'm the Sergeant, see.
I already won.

"You'll hear them
when I get there,
then come in,"

and he starts
through the bushes.

So, there we are.
On your mark, get set...
All of a sudden...

Your mother's on
the telephone.
She wants to talk to you.

Just a minute. What?

You mean my mother?
That's right.

But how can I talk to her
if I'm overseas?

You dumb cluck!
Because you ain't overseas.

You just came back with us
from Guadalcanal.

You're going home tomorrow.

Going home?
That's right.

Go on.

Are you nuts or something?

The guy is trying to
keep his mother

from knowing
he ain't a Marine.

You want to
make something of it?
Yeah!

Pipe down!

Hello?

Is that you, Mama?

Hello, Mama.

Sure, I'm all right.
Of course I am.

I never felt better
in my life.

How have you been, Mama?
Did you get my letters?

You did, huh? I was afraid
you might have been worried.

It's very hard to
get leave these days,
what with the war and all.

I just got up to
Frisco for this evening, see.

That I was wounded
and honorably discharged
from the service?

Who told you I was wounded
and discharged
from the service?

Then she won't have to
worry no more.

Now, wait a minute, Mama,
you'd hardly call it a wound.

It was more like a scratch.

It was more like a fever.
Just a little fever,
that's all.

Maybe it's called
jungle fever, Mama,
I don't know.

but I just don't see
how I'll be able to get home
for quite some time, Mama.

No, I'm not seriously wounded.
I wish I was.

I said I wish
I could come home,
but I just can't make...

No, you can't do that, Mama.
They don't allow
visitors where I am.

Well, she must've known
the Colonel or something.
I'm in the wrong with him.

I can't tell you that, Mama.
That's military information.

No, I'm not in jail.
What would I be doing in jail?

I don't know why he said
I was coming home, Mama,

but he was probably
talking about somebody else.

He had several calls to make.
You know how it is.

Well, of course,
I want to come home, Mama.
Why wouldn't I?

I'm just crazy to see you
and Libby and everybody,

but this is war, Mama.

Wait a minute.
Give me that phone.

I figured it all out.
What are you talking about?

Like rolling off a log! Quiet!

Hello, Mrs. Truesmith?
This is Sergeant Heppelfinger.

You got nothing
to worry about.
That's it. Right.

Look, it's bad enough
to wear the uniform
without having to wear this...

Now, wait a minute.
Without having to
wear this medal on it.

What are you talking about?
I don't even remember
what I got it for.

You know what
he got that for?

Some Japs was roasting a pig
across the stream, understand.

The breeze was blowing it all
right over in his kisser,

so he went over and got it.

Boy, that was some dish.
Just a hog.

I know, but...
You gotta wear something.

You can't come back
from the Solomons
without nothing.

Not the son of
Sergeant Truesmith.

I can't help it, fellows.

I just don't like
the whole idea.

You gotta think
of your mother.

The regulations
distinctly say,

"You can wear
your uniform home,
but not longer than 30 days."

Suppose they paid you off
in South Africa.

And you went home on foot?

They can't tell you
how to go home.

You could go home
on a pogo stick.

You gotta think
of your mother.

The regulations
clearly state...

You ain't really a Marine
anymore, and, besides, the
regulations is very elastic.

I was even a Colonel once
for a couple of days.

And a brighound
for a couple of months.
Cheese it!

How are you, boys?
Fine, sir. Thank you, sir.

I think we'd better
go back to my room
and talk this over...

Keep your hand down,
and nobody will be the wiser.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard!

Come on, chuck his gear on.
No, no.

Will you get on that train?
No, I won't!

Come on, hoist him on!
No, no!

Come on, get him on!
Don't make me...

No. No.

Look, I don't want to
sound ungrateful. I know
you meant it for the best.

I don't mind
the seven tickets or anything.

I'm honored to have you
go home with me.

It's just the uniform.
It makes me nervous.

Well, I shouldn't
go home with it, and this...

You shouldn't have
lied to your mother.

I think it was
for pulling a Frenchman

out of a creek or something.
I don't remember.

He ought to have
the Battle Blaze.

Well, I shouldn't ought to
have the Battle Blaze.
It's bad enough like this.

Who's gonna notice anything?
"Who's gonna notice anything"?

You slip off the train.
We'll kind of surround you.

We slip up a side street.
Your mother's waiting
on the front porch.

You put your arms around her.
That's right.

You slip out of your uniform.
You salt it away in mothballs,

and there you are, home.

She's happy. You're happy.
Everybody's happy.

And nobody's hep to nothing.

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Please. Will you please wait
until I give you the signal?

Well, all right, then.
Go ahead and practice.

Listen. Will you please
stand not here?
Go some other place. Please!

He's been away for so long,
and only hearing
from him twice.

And then being his
father's son, you can imagine
the chances he would take,

the risks he would run.

Do you suppose
he knows about Libby?

I don't know, Martha.

I certainly didn't tell him.

You're engaged to me,
and that's all
there is to it.

I know,
but it's his homecoming.

And homecoming means
to find everything
the way you left it,

at least for a little while.

Do you suppose
he'll be heartbroken?

I don't know.

I don't see that
that has anything
to do with it.

there might've been
three of us to welcome him.

If he'd waited two years,
it might have been...
Shut up.

That's what marriage is for,
isn't it?
I suppose so,

if you look at it from
a purely unromantic standpoint
like a breeding farm.

I mean, if you don't find
anything soul-stirring
in the return of a...

A hero.
All right. A hero.

I mean, if you don't find
anything heartwarming in it...

My dear girl, I tried to
get into the Army
by every possible means.

I even lied
about my condition.
I know you did.

It isn't my fault
that I have...

Chronic hay fever.
I know that, Forrest.

I've heard it
a thousand times,

I'm forced to remind you
that Woodrow
also had hay fever.

(SNIFFS)

Your father wants you.

He broke off with her.
Her skirts
are certainly clean.

I don't know anything
about it, Martha.

I'm very happy for you,
Mrs. Truesmith.

Will you tell him
I'm going to be married
to Forrest, please?

No, I won't, Libby.
I think that's up to you.

Will you, Aunt Martha?
Who, me? I should say not.

Well, you know it wasn't
my fault. I would have
waited for him forever.

He asked me not to.
He told me to forget him.

He even wrote
he didn't love me anymore.

Maybe you should've
read between
the lines a little.

I mean to say, if you think
I'm gonna stand around
like a doorpost...

(TUBA BLOWS)

Very well, Mr. Mayor.
I'm merely the Chairman
of the Reception Committee,

but as I visualize...
Did you bring
the keys to the city?

Yes, Father, right here.

Because I don't want to
pull out my fountain pen

Why don't you let
Mr. Pash arrange things?

If it's all the same to you,
my pearl...

This boy Woodrow is gonna
be very popular
in this town, Doc.

I wonder if the same thought
has occurred to you
that flashed in my mind?

Probably.

As I visualize it,
the ceremony began

with a little girl in white
with a bunch of posies...

In her grimy little mitts.
I know,
I've listened to her before.

Why, she forgets her lines
till rigor mortis sets in.

Very well, then,
you arrange the reception.

I tell you,
it's better for you
to talk after Bissell.

Then you can give him
the needle.

After all, I'm only the Mayor.
Thank you very much,
Mr. Mayor.

Not in front of the Mayor.
Out on the fringe somewhere.

Why, you'd think it was
a political campaign
instead of a...

Did you bring
the keys to the city?

Yes, Father,
I have them right here.

Mrs. Noble.
Call me Myrtle, dear.

if I didn't tell Woodrow
I'm engaged to
Forrest right away?

What?
What?

Of all the confounded...
What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, not to spoil
his homecoming by
striking a single sour note.

Of course
it would be all right.
I understand perfectly.

I'm not sure that I do,
Mother.

That's because
you're not a woman, dear.

It would be
perfectly all right.

Why,
under similar circumstances,

I wasn't married
to your father
for several weeks even.

You could make it
for several months,
as far as I'm concerned.

He talks that way in public,
but we understand perfectly.

Now, you go right down
and take him in your arms
and kiss him all you like.

Thank you.
I may have something
to say about that.

I suppose she could kiss him
on the cheek.

Kiss him wherever you like.
Of all the nonsense.

Not in the middle, please.
Out in the suburbs,
if you don't mind.

(CHATTERING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Yeah, please.
Out in the suburbs, yes.

Now, listen.

I begin with
Mademoiselle From Armenties

and then I go into
Hail the Conquering Hero.

You begin with
Mademoiselle From Armentiere?

There'll Be a Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonigh.

Then, who plays
Home to the Arms of Mother?

I do.
What's your name?

Eddie.
I thought I started with that.

Who is talking about
Hail the Conquering Hero?

I am.
No, no, no. You play...

O death, where is thy sting?
We don't know that.

All we know is Hail the
Conquering Herand half of
Marching Through Georgia.

We were only formed last week.
Now, wait a minute, Teddy.

You're going to have her
the rest of your life.

This is war, you know.
And you know
what Sherman said about it.

Ed follows with
Mademoiselle From Armenties

and modulates into Hail
the Conquering Hero Come.

Eddie takes Home to
the Arms of Mother and
you play anything you know!

Can anybody play
Let Me Call You Sweetheart?

Sure, I can modulate
into that from A Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonight.

and let Teddy play
Hail the Conquering Hero.

Certainly, if you want to
upset all of my plans!

After all,
I've only had one morning

to whip this thing
all together, you know.

I'm sorry.
All right, play it!
Play anything you like!

I'm here to help.
I do it for nothing, with joy,

but I got to have cooperation.
Cooperation, yes.

I sing the hymn
in seven flats.
In seven flats.

And he won't play
in seven flats.

We don't know how to
play in seven flats.

We're not musicians.
You don't have to tell me.

Then, each work in your
own key and do your best.

Why don't we take it...
They're really
very nice people.

I'm just going to take
Woodrow in my arms

and hug him as if
he'd never written me
that letter at all.

That's a very sweet
thought, dear.

Do you want me
to hold your engagement ring?

It's not only my mother.
I've got a girl!
I mean, I did have.

What did you tell her?
You was going in the Navy?

No, I told her
I fell for somebody else
so she wouldn't wait for me.

What are you gonna
tell her now?

What good does that do?
Tell her you're divorced.

I'm no good at lying!

Besides, maybe
she doesn't care
anymore anyway.

Is your mother a good cook?

Wonderful.
Gee, you're lucky.

Well, I don't feel lucky!

Look, I tell you
the whole thing is...

Supposing I should
meet someone I know

We'll surround you.
You got nothing
to worry about.

I hope not!
Oak Ridge.

Don't do that!
Keep cool, will you?

What can happen?
Does your mother
put up preserves?

Yes! What can happen?
Anything can happen!

Will you stop balling things
up! Everything was clear
and simple, and now...

Where is Mamie?

She's always disappearing.
Well, she'll be here
in a minute.

It's the excitement.
Yes.

Here comes the train!

(BAND PLAYING)

Not yet!

Not yet!

I didn't tell you...

What's that music?
Brush you off, gents?

What's that music?

Fix you up for the reception?
The reception?

I reckon it's for you all.

They got a half-a-dozen bands
and all the officials.

Now, wait a minute.
It's probably for
somebody else.

It ain't for anybody else.
It says "Welcome Woodrow."

Let me out of here!
You're just gonna
make things worse.

You give me that bag!

Here, open that up
and let me out.
I'll hide in there.

You can make my apologies.

I can't while
the train's in the station.

Then I'll get off
in my underwear!

Cut that out!
We're just pulling
in the station.

No, not yet!

No!

They got four bands.
That don't look good
with only one medal.

Four bands?
Take that blouse off!
Give me yours!

Madame, please... I didn't...

Not yet!

Cut it out!
You're making
a big mistake, I tell you!

You gotta think
of your mother!

Come on,
and take those hash marks off!

I'm telling you,
give me my other suit!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYING)

All right, she's going to
get in front. All right,
please, that's fine.

Welcome, Woodrow.

Quiet! Please, please.

Please! Quiet! Right.
We're all ready
for the reception.

All right, Mamie.

Welcome, young warrior.

Your natal city rejoices
at your safe homecoming

and takes great pleasure
in presenting you

this beautiful bunch
of del-fuminimums.

Now, you just come with me.

Mr. Noble has
a speech all ready for you.

(BAND PLAYING)

Welcome home, Woodrow.

Silence!
His honor, the Mayor!

Friends, voters,

returning hero

and ex-employee of the Noble
Chair Company,
Seats of all Descriptions,

home to
the arms of your mother...

No, no, no, no!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!

It is with a sense
of deep humility

that I hail
this conquering hero!

No, no!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

No, no, no.

Not until I tell you, please!

I say...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I say...

Quiet!

It is with a sense
of deep humility

that I welcome
this young Marine.

ALL: Hooray!

Actions speak louder
than words.

Here are his words!

ALL: Hooray!

From the halls of Montezuma

to the shores of Tripoli...

No! No! No!

No, no, no, no!

(SINGING HALLS OF MONTEZUMA)

Hot Time in the Old Ton
Tonight.One, two...

Do anything you like!

All right, boys,
Mademoiselle From Armentiere.

(ALL BANDS PLAYING)

I say it is with a sense
of deep humility...

Go away!

(YELLING)

I present you
with the keys to the city!

But Mr. Mayor...

Quiet!

I do wish he'd told us
he was bringing six friends.

I don't know what we'd have
done if everybody
hadn't been so kind.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

I'll get it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, dear!

Just in case you were short,
I brought over
a few little knick-knacks.

That's terribly kind of you,
Mr. Schultz, but I haven't
a single point left.

Who asked you?
It's all complimentary.

Including the points
with the compliments
of Schultz's market.

Why, just put it right here.
Everybody's been so kind.

Boy, I wished I was a Marine.
You will be.

It'll probably be over
by the time I'm big enough.

From your mouth
to heaven's ear.

How many Nips
did Woodrow get,
Mrs. Truesmith?

I'm sure I don't know, Teddy.
I hope he wasn't
too bloodthirsty.

(MIMICS GUNFIRE)

And if there is anything else,
the slightest thing,

when we're open
or when we're closed,

Teddy will be happy
to run over.

I'm bowlegged now from...

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Goodbye, Mrs. Truesmith,

and I'm very happy for you.

One in the family
is enough to lose.

Here they are!

I'll just have time
to wash for church.

Do I look all right, Martha?
Yes, of course
you look all right.

Well, that's that.

That was certainly
a great idea you had.

What are you talking about?
Everything was lovely.

I thought your speech
at General Zabriski's monument
was very moving.

Thank you very much.
Well, if you'll excuse me now.

I have something
to tell you, Woodrow.

Well, you'll just
have to wait...

Woodrow.

Hello, Mama.

Where are you going, dear?
To put on my blue suit.

We'll be late for church.
Then, we'll be late
for church.

Why can't you wear
your uniform
for a little while?

You look so nice in it.

I just got through explaining.
It's against regulations.
He should...

I think
that's perfectly ridiculous.
So do I.

Your grandfather wore
his Civil War uniform
the rest of his life.

He kept having new ones made.
Well, you...

He said it helped
to remind people

Well, his case was different.
Then, hurry up, dear.

Go ahead.
Now, better hurry up.

I suppose that's only natural,
dear, after what
he's been through.

He has jungle fever, you know.

They run through the woods
without any clothes on
with knives in their teeth.

Oh, no, they don't
at all, lady.

You're thinking of Boksok.

The Marines
always dress very nice.

Of course they do.
You must be
Sergeant Heppelfinger.

Pleased to meet you.

I want you to shake hands
with Corporal Candida.

I didn't have a chance
to tell him yet.
There was so much noise.

You knew my sergeant.
I want you to see him.

I want you all to see him.

There he is.
Attention!

Thank you.

He looks so young
compared to me.

Now I have two heroes.

I have eight heroes.

You can sure put me
on your flag.
I sure ain't got anybody else.

I'll be very proud to.

(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)

Oh, we're going to be late.

Woodrow! Woodrow!

Now, Martha.
Yes?

Sally Truesmith,
you don't have to tell me
how to cook a turkey.

Sure, except that
I'm a haunted man
for the rest of my life.

Boy, I wish that's all
I ever had to worry about.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

ALL: (SINGING) Saved from
earthly taint and sin

Home, sweet home

Our home forever

All the pilgrim journey past

Welcomed home to wander never

Saved through Jesus

Home at last

REV. UPPERMAN: And now
I have a very
pleasant task to perform.

Usually on Sundays
I have to scold you a little,

because that is what
I am paid to do,

and I try to earn my keep,

but today is
a day of rejoicing.

Home from the hills
cometh the hunter.

Home from the wars, the hero.

Homecoming.

What a beautiful word.

Home to
the arms of his mother,

the widow of yet another hero

cut down in
the bloom of young manhood.

The arms of a mother
who struggled through
poverty and privation

to raise her son
rightly and courageously,

that he might follow
in the honorable footsteps
of his father.

The years were hard.
Not always was there work,

and the winds of reality
blew coldly against
this frail woman

protecting her infant son.

She had one possession,
her home.

The little white house
at the end of Oak Street.

The home of heroes.

She clung to it tenaciously,

but one day she came to
the end of her rope,

and a mortgage
was her only solution.

I have here
the document in question,

purchased by
the grateful citizens
of our township.

Purchased with deep respect
by the grateful citizens
of our township,

who have asked me to perform
the following ceremony.

You will notice
I have nothing up my sleeve.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Everybody's been so kind.

Very nice, Reverend.

Everything went perfect, huh?

It was
a very beautiful ceremony.

Well, how do I pay it back?

Well, they should've done it
a long time ago
on account of your old man.

Wait till they find out.
Who's gonna find out?

Woodrow, we want your opinion.
On what?

On the location
of the monument.
The monument?

Yes. Naturally,
General Zabriski has
the choice spot,

What monument is that?
Oh, didn't you know?

We're raising you
a little monument
by public subscription.

I always say it's better
to do these things
while they're hot.

Just something modest
in granite probably.

Bronze is simply
impossible to get.

It's just to our first hero
of this present war.

Look, if anybody
deserves a monument,

it's my father, not me!
That's right.

He's on it, too.
You're both on it,
shaking hands.

It's called,
"Like Father, Like Son."

Now, just in front
of the station
there's a plot,

and I thought
if it wasn't too...

Did I say something wrong?

You mean you haven't
told him yet?

Every time I started to,
a band started to play

or they burned
the mortgage on his house...

Or they raised him a statue.
Well, I can't help it.

I suppose you're
very proud of him now?

Well, why shouldn't I be?
I grew up with him.

So did I, but I don't
walk around starry-eyed...

You're just jealous.

Well, make it snappy,
will you?
Of course I will.

Wonderful sentimental nonsense
and seven hungry men to feed.

Oh, boy!

Hey.
What?

What do I do now?

Well, you just
let it blow over.

Did you ever see
a statue blow over?

Well, maybe you could
be sort of hard to please.

They want it standing up,
you want it sitting down.

They want it shaking hands,
you want it with
the hands behind the back.

Now...
They want it
in front of the station,

you want it where
General Zablitzki is,

till one day they say,
"Do you want it,
or don't you?"

And you say,
"In that case, no."

And there you are.

Well, what do I do
about the mortgage?

Well, you could sort of...

Look, I didn't
get you into this...
Oh, yes, you did!

I was gonna hide in the...
A Marine never hides!

That's what semper fidelis
means. It means
"face the music."

Well, it does not!
It happens to mean
"always faithful"!

It doesn't mean faithful
to your mother at all.
It means faithful to the...

You're home. Your mother's
happy. Did you see
that look in her eyes?

Your girl still loves you,
and the town gave you
a nice little reception.

I'll say they did!
Boy, I wished
I was in your shoes.

Boy, I wish you were, too!

I know you did it
for the best, and I thank you
for your good intentions...

I tell you
it'll all blow over.

Everything is perfect,
except for
a couple of details.

They hang people
for a couple of details.

What are you talking about?

I been a hero,
you could call it that,
for 25 years,

and does anybody
ever ask me what I done?

If they did,
I could hardly tell them,

I've told it
so different so many times.

It ain't as if you done it
on purpose. By Tuesday
you'll be forgotten.

Well, I hope you're right.
I know I'm right.

You take General Zablitzki,
for instance...
Zabriski.

All right,
where did he tend bar?

That's a
different case entirely.

They bought him
at an ironworks

that was
going out of business.

He was just a bargain,
that's all.

Well, you're the only guy
who knows it.

All everybody else
knows is he's a hero.

He's got a statue in the park,
and the birds sit on it.

Except that I ain't
got no birds on me,
I'm in the same boat.

Now, look.
Woodrow.

Yes?
Could I see you
for a few moments, please?

Why, certainly.

Woodrow! Now, hurry, darling.
Dinner's on the table.

And you, too, Sergeant.
You come along too, Libby.

We'd be delighted to have you.
Thank you. I...

Come on, Libby.

Boy, this is something.
Pass some of
that cheese, will you?

MRS. TRUESMITH: Now,
just a little pie
to fill in the chinks.

Yes, ma'am, I'll have to
eat it in little pieces.

There you are.

Well, I guess the excitement
kind of twisted
my stomach a little.

It's the fever.
No, it isn't the fever.

That never bothers me
at all except...

(SNEEZES)

You see?
Not at all.

It's not...

(SNEEZES)

Well, don't blow the house
down now that we own it.

Wasn't that a lovely gesture?
This is the happiest day
of my life.

Woodrow, if you're
all finished, would you come
outside with me a moment?

There's something
I have to tell you.
Sure.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Here it comes.
Here what comes?

I'll see what it is.

What's the matter, Woodrow?

Does he feel hot?
Feel his head.

I don't feel hot.
If anything, I...

Woodrow, Judge Dennis,
the Sheriff, Doc Bissell

and a lot of other men
want to see you right away.

They're in the parlor.
What about?

They didn't tell me, dear.
They just said...

They probably want to
baptize a baby after you.

What's the matter, dear?

WOODROW: Good afternoon,
Judge Dennis.

There you are, Woodrow.

Where are the medals?

The medals.

Well, I just wore those
to get off the train.

I suppose I shouldn't have.

What do you mean,
you shouldn't have?

If all good men wore medals,

it wouldn't be so hard
to tell the good from the bad.

I guess that's right,
all right. Well, I'm ready.

I guess I deserve what I get.

SCHULTZ: You certainly do.
Beyond question.

Goodbye, Mama.

Who told you about it?

Well, I can put
two and two together.

What are you talking about?

Aren't you gonna
take me somewhere?

Not at all. We're going
to do it right here.

Oh, yeah?

Woodrow, there's something
rotten in this town.

I know it.
That's why we're here.

I know it, but I don't see why
you have to do it
in front of my mother.

Then let's get down
to business.

The trouble with our party
is everybody talks
too long all the time.

That's the trouble
with all parties.

Woodrow, there's something
rotten in this town.

You don't have to keep
rubbing it in. I'm ready.

Nothing you can put your
finger on exactly, but a kind
of something you can feel.

It's like
the town was selfish.

Everybody thinking
about little profits
and how not to pay the taxes

and reasons for not buying
bonds and not working too hard

and not working at night
because it's nicer
in the daytime.

All things that are
all right in peacetime.

Things you used to call
thrift and relaxation

that made many a fortune,
but things that are
plain dishonest in wartime.

That's right.

The motto of this town is
"Business as usual,"

but a lot of us feel
wartime ain't a usual time

and that business as usual
is dishonest.

That's why we need
an honest man for mayor.

An honest man
who will wake us up
and tell us the truth

about something
he knows all about.

An honest man
who will tell us the truth
and who can win.

We got an honest man
who'll tell us the truth,

but nobody votes for him
except his brother
and his wife.

And I'm not even
sure about her.

I have everything
but popularity.

In other words, Woodrow,
we want you to
take Doc Bissell's place.

The right shall prevail.
Right.

But I'm not a veterinary.
I hardly know one end
of a horse from another.

(MEN LAUGHING)

We want you to
run for mayor, Woodrow,
in the coming election.

(STAMMERING)
You want me to run for mayor?

Three cheers
for the new mayor.
Hip, hip, hip...

ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip, hip...
Hooray!

You're making a...
Hip, hip, hip...

Hooray!
Bring him out!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you our new Mayor!

(BAND PLAYING)

First we will have
a few words from Doc Bissell.

I'm going to be
even briefer than usual.

You know what I stand for
in this town.
You know what I'm against.

Our party is fortunate
in having found
a worthier standard-bearer

A man who fought for
you overseas. A man who will
fight for you here and win!

For the good of our party,

for the good of our town
and its war effort,

for the good of
the United States of America,

to vote for Corporal Woodrow
Lafayette Pershing Truesmith!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Before introducing
the principal speaker,

I wish to point out
that he appears before you
not as a hero,

not with decorations

he so heroically won
and so richly deserves,

but as a simple citizen,
a hometown boy back home!

I need say no more
of the character of
this young man

than that he refused
to wear his medals!

Ladles and gentlemen,
I give you Mr. Truesmith!

(BAND PLAYING)

No, no!

(BAND STOPS PLAYING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

(STAMMERING)
I wish I were dead.

You're making a big mistake!

Oh, no!

(STAMMERING)
I love my mother very much.

He has a natural flair
for politics.

But she shouldn't have
told you I was coming home

and made all that fuss
at the station.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

I really don't deserve it.

Go on! You betcha!

There are many, many men,

any one of
these young men, for instance,

far, far more deserving
than myself.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

The medals that
you saw pinned on me

you could practically say
were pinned on by mistake.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I want you to believe me.

I've known all of you
all my life.

I've mowed your lawns.

I've delivered milk
for your babies.

I even know the dogs and cats.

The milk-and-baby part
is remarkable.

After that
he could be president.

Nothing would be dearer to
my heart than to be worthy
of the honor you offer me.

I wish I could accept it.

You bet!

I'm no hero!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(STAMMERING)
I haven't had Dr. Bissell's
long experience with animals.

There is the man for you!

No, no, no.
I thank you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I never saw so many things
happen in one day in my life.

MAN: That was wonderful,
wonderful!
Oh, my son. Wonderful!

That's as fine
a political speech

as I've heard since Bryan
and the crown of thorns.

You don't need any lessons
from me, Woodrow.

If I might make
one suggestion, Woodrow.

I wouldn't play down
the hero part
quite so much hereafter.

But I'm not a hero.
Modesty notwithstanding.

They like it, you know.

Anyway, the Sergeant's taking
care of that part of it.

The Sergeant's
taking care of...

Hereafter?
What are you talking about?

SERGEANT: ...a couple of
things about Woodrow.

I don't know just how
he's gonna take this.

In fact, he's so modest,
I'm pretty sure
he ain't gonna like it at all.

In fact, I may get
quite a sock on the jaw
before I'm through.

What's he saying?

SERGEANT: Anyway,
I'm just going to give you
one sample of his courage

and his resourcefulness.

Good!

I'm gonna tell you
how he saved my life.

What's the matter with him?
He can't do that.

REV. UPPERMAN:
No, no, no, Woodrow. Relax.

We're on the beach,
see, at Tanaru Bay.

All of a sudden we hear,
"Here they come! Take cover!"

And out of the jungle
come 200, maybe 300 Japs
preceded by a hail of bullets.

I turn,
and my foot catches in a...

I didn't see
exactly what it was.
I was kind of in a hurry, see?

But I'm stuck. I'm lost.

Now a voice says,
"Keep cool, pal."

And beside me I see Woodrow!

(BAND PLAYING)

Not yet! Not yet!

REV. UPPERMAN:
Everything is all right.

I tell you
I'm not running for mayor.
You're not running for mayor?

Why, you couldn't stop
from being mayor
of this town if you...

Don't drink that, Woodrow.
Don't drink that.
It's cooking wine.

Well, I'm cooked.

Zing, he got another one!
Zang, another one
hits the deck!

Zowie! He clubs two of them
with the butt end of his gun!

We duck, and we run
another little piece,
then drop!

Zing, zing, and two more
brown brothers bite the dust!

Now he picks up a machine gun.

(MIMICKING GUNFIRE)

But the Japs kept coming,
and he kept firing.

The machine gun got hot.
His hands were burning,

but Woodrow stuck to his post.

I managed to get near him,

then I got hit.

As I'm laying there,
somebody pulls me to safety.

I open my eyes,
and who do I see but Woodrow!

(ALL CHEERING)

Once again, fellow citizens,

you have chosen me
to be your Major. Applause.

And once again,
I accept the charge.

Make that responsibility.

I accept the responsibility...

Make that deep responsibility.

I accept
the deep responsibility...

No, just make that
plain responsibility.

I wish you'd
make up your mind.
What?

And don't go so fast.
I don't know how to do this.

Then, why isn't Libby here?
She'll be back.

She's still getting paid
as my secretary,

you know,
no matter who she marries.

I mean, even if
she is engaged to you.

Now, where was I?

"Once again, fellow citizens,

"you have chosen me
to be your Major, applause.

"And once again,
I accept the charge.

"Make that responsibility.
I accept the responsibility.

"Make that deep
responsibility. I accept
the deep responsibility.

"No, just make that
plain responsibility."

Are you simple-minded
or something?

I accept the responsibility
with a sense of both humility,
satisfaction and gratitude.

You dictated
plain responsibility.
That's right!

That means responsibility
without adjectives.

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

Now, where was I?
Don't tell me!

I accept the responsibility
with a sense of
both humility, satisfaction

and gratitude.

You can't say both humility,
satisfaction and gratitude.

And you have humility,
satisfaction and gratitude.
That's three.

I can't say it?
You cannot.

I've been saying it for years.
Well, it isn't
correct grammar.

I'm not running on a platform
of correct grammar.

I even let my grammar
slop over a little, sometimes.

It gives that homey feeling,
horny hands and honest hearts!

Now, where was I?

"With a sense of both
humility, satisfaction
and gratitude."

All right, take out humility.
Leave it in.

Will you do as I tell you
instead of sitting there
a like a stuffed nincompoop

trying to annoy me just
because your girlfriend is
out with somebody else?

What?
Now, where was I?

"With a sense of both
satisfaction and gratitude."

And humility.

Well, what are you gaping at?
Nothing.

Well, cut it out. Now...

(DOOR OPENING)

Well, it's about time.
I'm sorry.

I'll take it, Forrest.

I trust the conquering hero
is home, and that's that.

Now, let's get this speech
out of the way
without further interruptions.

Dictating to my son is
like dictating to a sponge.

Mr. Noble,
before you go any...

I said without further
interruptions, if you please.

If it's all the same to you.
Yes, sir.

What were you crying about?
You can fight that out later.

"With a sense of
both humility, satisfaction
and gratitude."

You can't say that.
I can't say it?

Will you be so kind
as to permit me
to dictate my own speech?

I'm sorry.
Well.

As President and owner
of the Noble Chair Company,

Seats of all Descriptions,

I am to most of you...
Make that many of you.

Or make it some of you.
Your employer,

but as Mayor of our fair city,
I am to all of you
your servant.

That's a nice twist.

Mine not to reason why.

Mine but to...
Do or die.

When I want your assistance,
I'll ask for it.

Mine but to...
Well, what are you looking at?

Nothing.
Well, cut it out.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Mine but to...

What's all that hollering
down the street?

It's for Woodrow.
That's what I was
trying to tell you.

You see, Doc Bissell
and the rest of them
came up...

Well, I suppose
that's natural, so long
as they don't overdo it.

Now...
"Mine not to reason why.
Mine but to..."

Hearken and obey.

Heaven knows I did not
seek this distinction,

but since
you force it upon me,
what alternative have I?

Save your voice, Evvy.
What? What's the matter?

Bissell's just retired
in favor of Woodrow,
the local hero.

We got a fight on our hands.
You mean that I
welcomed at the station?

That's right.
Now you have
some real opposition.

Wasn't it thrilling, Libby?
Will you kindly shut up
for a minute?

He was so shy and embarrassed,
but at the same time
so manly...

Will you kindly...
You mean running for
Mayor against me?

That's what
I was trying to tell you.
Will you...

But he can't do that
with the election
only two days off.

You'll have a chance
to use all your oratory, dear.

He most certainly cannot.
Why, that's entirely illegal.

Why, if such were the case,
I mean to say, why,
any loose character whatsoever

fresh from the penitentiary
could come along...

Loose character, Mr. Noble?

Woodrow doesn't happen to be
a loose character,

and he's fresh
from the battlefield,
not from the penitentiary.

That was a figure of speech.
Well, I don't care for it.

Father didn't mean it
the way it sounded.

Well, maybe Father did.
Which side are you on, anyway?

Because I don't want
any spies in my office.
Father, please.

He doesn't mean that, Libby.
Oh, yes, I do.

Well, if you don't want me
around your office,

you certainly don't
have to have me.

This is your son's fiancee.
She isn't my fiancee.

When I lose confidence
in people...

She's isn't gonna live in
my house with me. I'll move
into the doghouse first.

Then, goodbye, Mr. Noble.
Goodbye, Miss
Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

That's right, abandon
the shinking sip...
Sinking ship.

Aren't you ashamed
of yourself, Evvy?
You're not sunk yet.

You're very popular
in some quarters.

Anyway, the whole thing
is entirely illegal.

Why, his name
isn't even on the ballot.
It don't have to be.

He's a write-in candidate.
That's what that blank space
at the bottom is for.

It's to count them with...
It's to put the date on.

You call my lawyer.

I'm calling him now,
but you can take it from me,

this is a free country.
They can vote for
anybody they like.

I know, but that's how it is,
and the way it is,
it don't look so good.

A chance?
Did you ever see a snowslide?

Hello. Max?

I guess we all
are a little bit.

Talking that way about a boy
who risked his life

so the Noble Chair Company
can make its 12%.

"Business as usual."

The Noble Chair Company
makes 24%,

just enough to cover
its taxes, but he
doesn't mean it, Libby.

Politicians always
talk that way
about each other.

Woodrow is probably calling
Father an old windbag
right this minute.

Well, if he is, he's right.
Thank you.

I'm sorry. We all are
a little upset, I guess.

You weren't going to stay on
as Father's secretary, anyway,

after our marriage,
so what does it matter?

What was I going to do?
Stay home and weave?

Well, you might stay home
and take care of your children

with the servant problem
as it is.

Well, thank you
for warning me.
Do you mean that?

Oh, of course I don't mean it.
I don't mean anything,

going around talking about
people he doesn't know
anything about.

You're still talking about
your children's grandfather.

What are you trying to do,
depress me?

If I thought they'd look
anything like him...

Well, I don't look
anything like him.

I've noticed that.
I pin my hopes on it.

We're getting
a little disagreeable again,
aren't we?

We seem to be.

Maybe now that the hero
is home, you feel a little
differently about me.

I feel exactly
the same about you
that I've always felt.

That you're upright and
honorable and tall and
handsome and wealthy

and exactly what any girl in
her right mind would hope for.

Thank you.

I just wish Woodrow hadn't
come home exactly
when he did, that's all.

What's he got to do with us?
Oh, nothing.

It just spoils things
a little, that's all.
Why should it?

Or do you think
I ought to offer you to him,

like the keys to the city,
on a silver platter?

And say, "Here, O noble hero,
it happens to be my fiancee,

"but I'm only a civilian
after all, so if you'd rather
have her, just help yourself.

"Don't bother to
stand on ceremony."

In the first place,
he doesn't want me.

Oh, you asked him, did you?
I did not.

In the second place,
I'm engaged to you.

I had plenty of time to think
it over before I accepted you,
and that's all there is to it.

A girl who went around
changing her mind all the time

wouldn't be much good,
I don't think.

She wouldn't be
much good to me.

Well, she wouldn't be
much good to anybody.

Thank you.

Where's your ring?
My aunt has it.

I was afraid of losing it
in all the excitement.

Oh. How did he take
the news anyway?

Oh, you mean Woodrow?

How many people
did you have to break it to?

Well, I didn't quite get
the chance to tell him yet.

You haven't told him yet?
I didn't get the chance.

Then, what have you
been doing all day,
basking in his glory?

I just didn't
get an opening.

Do you want me to tell him?
I'll create an opening.

No, I don't.
Holy mackerel.

Don't sound like your father.
Well, when are you
gonna tell him?

Well, I'll go over
in a little while.

Be sure and
put on something pretty.
I will.

And try not to
break his heart.
I won't.

Holy mackerel.
Will I see you
anymore tonight?

No.
Well, then, good night.

Good night, dear.

Say, you haven't got
any more boyfriends

in the Army, the Navy
or the Marine Corps, have you?

No, dear.
He was the only one.

(SOBBING)

Well, that's the war for you.
It's always hard on women.

Either they take your men away
and never send them
back at all,

or they send them
back unexpectedly
just to embarrass you.

No consideration at all.

There, there, there.

(BAND PLAYING)

...and when I say surrounded,
I mean surrounded!

One for the little girl.

We want Woodrow
for our mayor.

M-A-R-E?
M-A-Y-O-R.
What's the matter with you?

What have horses
got to do with it?

It's a good thing this food
came in when it did.

It's a good thing
Woodrow came in when he did.

Win with Woodrow!
One Woodrow Special.

Coming up.
That means
the best of everything.

Win with Woodrow.
Now be careful. The ink
is still a little fresh.

Wait a minute.
He's on his feet.

He's running toward us
carrying the machine gun
with him.

He's fooled them, see?

Their guns began to chatter,
but he reached the trees.

We're saved,
and as he comes staggering...

Your mother told you
not to drink
any more of that stuff.

Say, am I four years old
or something?
You give me that...

You behave yourself
and do like
your mother tells you.

You made her
enough trouble.

I made her trouble?
That's right.

You made me trouble.
You and your mother complex...

Listen, knucklehead,
you take one more crack
at your mother...

Who's taking cracks
at my mother?
All I said was...

Well, don't say it.
Are you nuts or something?

Maybe.

Oh, Woodrow,
isn't it wonderful?
I'm so proud of you.

We're short of sugar.
Oh, my boy.

MAN: There's only one...

You see that look in her eyes?
Yes, I saw it.

Well, that's what
we're working for, see?

Can't you get it through
that thick skull of yours...

All right, you're on next.
Just shoot them some bull
about how you was

in a hot spot with your foot
caught in a gizmo

and just when
you ain't got a chance,
who should come along but...

and getting me in deeper
and deeper so there'll
never be a way out?

They're eating it up.
Let them enjoy it.

Can I tell them
about me and Smitty
at Tulagi?

Sure,
only you gotta be Smitty,
and he's got to be you,

and you both
gotta come out alive.
Ding how.

You're gonna win the walk,
and once you're in, you're in.

Don't you understand
an election based on fraud...

Where's the fraud?
You was in the Marines.

Look, I didn't expect this
any more than you did,

but now that it happened,
let it happen.

They want heroes,
we got six of them.

All right, we throw in
a seventh for good luck.
Who's counting?

We're doing it
for your ma, kid.

They say opportunity's
only got one hair
on its head,

and dog it down
or you mightn't
get another chance.

I don't want another chance.
I don't want any part of it.

Don't you understand
that this is
all based on lies?

What lies? You put on the
wrong blouse when the train
come into the station.

That could happen to anybody.
The lies
they're telling out front.

Every one of those boys is
telling the truth, except they
change the names a little

so as not to
give out military information.

"Lies"!

Anyway, those ain't lies.
Those are campaign promises.
They expect them.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello, Woodrow.
Hello, Libby.

Gee, you look lovely.
Thank you.

You shouldn't drink
too much of that stuff, dear,

no matter how much
you feel like celebrating.

Are you gonna start now?

Why, Woodrow,
I'm only thinking
of your own good.

Well, there are
too many people doing it.

They're thinking
about my own good so much,

they're gonna land me
in the hoosegow,
if they haven't already.

Why, Woodrow,
you've been nipping.
I have not been nipping.

I have something
to tell you, Woodrow.
All right, all right,

but the less
you hang around here
and are seen with me,

the better it's gonna be
for you, you understand?

Now, I'm telling you
that for your good.

Oh, you needn't think
I want to cash in
on your glory.

All I came here to tell you...
Who said anything about that?

All I came here to tell you
is that I'm going to
marry Forrest Noble

next Sunday morning at 10:00,

and the only reason
I didn't tell you all day...

...was because
I didn't want to spoil
your homecoming.

But that's marvelous.
That's the best news
I heard all day.

Well, I'm glad
you feel that way about it.

At least I don't have
to worry about you.

Because I think
it's marvelous, too,

and I hope I never see you
again as long as I live.

Here's your frat pin.
Wait a minute, will you?

Woodrow, you've just
got to come out and
address the crowd again.

They will no longer accept
substitutes any longer.

I am not going out
to address the crowd again.

I already told them
how I felt.

I'm not running for mayor.
But you are
running for mayor.

But I'm not.
Whether you like it or not.

You've been drafted.
Can they do that?

Sure.
They done it.

Listen to them.
You listen to them.

(BAND PLAYING)

Feel it.

ALL: (SINGING)
Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Let's give Everett the air

Up with Woodrow
Down with Noble

Let's kick Evvy off the chair

Up our hero goes
and down this zero
goes 'cause we want

"You can fool all of
the people part of
the time and part of the..."

Where'd he go?
What's happened to him?

Look, I'm in enough trouble
without you
turning against me.

When did I turn against you?
I've been loyal to you
all my life.

I... You know how
I felt about you.
You broke off with me.

I would have waited
for always. Even so
I asked my fiance's permission

to welcome you the way
I thought you'd like
to be welcomed.

Although I may
have been wrong,
I defended you all afternoon

and got fired for it
by Mr. Noble...
No.

...and almost broke off
my engagement with Forrest.

And you say
I'm turning against you.
I'm sorry.

Well...
Will you cut that out?

No, I won't.
You've caused me
enough trouble as it is

with everybody saying
I threw you over

while you were fighting
overseas to marry Forrest,

but I couldn't very well
go around wearing
your letter in my hat

telling me you'd fallen
in love with somebody else,
which is your perfect right.

And I'm deeply in love
with Forrest,

and you have to come back...
A heel.

A hero.

So, now they can say,
"You see?

"It served her right.
She got just what
she deserved."

Will you cut it out?
I've got enough trouble!
You have trouble?

And how I have.
I should say so.

You can have
any girl in town you want,
and you get a monument,

and they burned
your mother's mortgage,

and you're going to be mayor,
and I'm going to
marry Forrest.

But you said
you loved him deeply.

Well, of course I do,
but what's that
got to do with it?

...and down this zero goes
'cause we want
Woodrow for our mayor

Libby.
What?

You don't know
how well-off you are.

Oh, don't talk that way.
You're only going to
make me feel worse.

If you knew what I heel I was,
you'd be very happy.

And I am very happy,
and I know exactly
how much of a heel you are.

Anybody who could write
a letter like you wrote

six weeks after we parted,
like we parted,

you wouldn't have to tell me
any more about it.

Well, I don't want to know
anything about her.

Whether she's tall or short
or thin or fat or blonde,

I just hope she's awful!

No, I don't.

I hope she's beautiful
and that you have
10 children by her.

Is she?
If you only knew.

Well, I don't want to know.

Well, I guess
you have to start being
grown-up sometime.

Might as well be now.

It's a beautiful night,
isn't it?
Great.

Are you worried
about something, Woodrow?

Who, me? How could I be?

Don't you want to be mayor?
Of course I want to be mayor.

I'd like to
have a million dollars, too.

Well, then, of course,
I don't know what
it's like to be famous.

I suppose it even
has its drawbacks,

but I think you'd be so proud,
Woodrow, so satisfied.

I know I certainly am for you,
no matter how
I talked out there.

I'm gonna be famous,
all right.

I was so proud
even sitting beside you
this afternoon.

Do you remember when
we used to come here
in the cool of the evening?

Naturally.
I thought maybe
you'd forgotten.

So much can happen
in a year.

So much can happen in a day.
I suppose so.

Were you surprised
when they nominated you
for mayor?

Surprised is not
the word for it.

Oh, excuse me.
That's all right.

Did you ever think
of me in Guadalcanal?
No.

Oh, I guess that's
a pretty busy place.
I guess so.

I thought of you
in other places, though.

Where?
Just other places.

I'm so glad.
Even though it can
only be a memory now.

Do you remember
when we cut our initials
in the tree?

Naturally.
They're still there.

Why wouldn't they be?
They'll always be there.

Unless something
happens to the tree.
I'd never allow that.

You'd be better off to
chop the tree down
and forget me for good.

That's why I'm so glad
you're gonna marry Forrest.

Why, it's such a load
off my mind.

There's no hope for Mom.
She'll just have
to leave town,

but at least you can say
you suspected all along,

and that's why
you broke off with me
and married Forrest,

who's all right
if you like people like that.

Then you won't
get hurt, see?

Because outside of Mom,
you're the only thing
in the world I care for,

the only thing that matters.

Now that it's over,
I want you to know
that that letter I wrote

was the hardest thing
I ever did in all my life.

I thought about you
every night and every morning
and every afternoon.

Every girl I saw
reminded me of you,

and every flower,
I wanted to send to you.

That's why I'm so happy, see?
Because you've had
such a narrow escape.

I think you're a little bit
feverish, dear...

Who, me?
I'm just a little bit phony,
that's all. A little.

That's right. You don't have
to tell anybody.
They'll find out soon enough.

But I'm never gonna be mayor
or anything else,
you understand?

I've never been
in Guadalcanal.
I've never won any medals.

I've never even been
in the Marine Corps really,
you understand?

Oh, you've had
a very hard day, dear.

Yes, but wait till
tomorrow comes.

I don't think
you're feeling very well.

Who, me? I never felt
better in my life,

except I never felt worse.
You'll be all right, dear.

I suppose you despise me now.
Despise you?

How can you despise
anybody you love,

even though you are engaged
to another man?

I'll love you as long as
I live, Woodrow, and you might
as well know so now

while we still have
a few moments,
a last few moments...

I don't think you understood
what I said. I'm a phony.
I'm a faker. I'm...

You're just telling me that
to make me feel better.

I am not.
I'm never going
to feel any better.

I'm just broken-hearted,
Woodrow. I...

Wait a minute, will you?
Libby, will you wait a minute?

Hey, here he is.

I almost thought
you took it on the lam
for a minute.

Oh, excuse me.
Sergeant,
will you tell Libby

I've never been in Guadalcanal
or anyplace else?
That I'm just a phony?

Sure, he's never been
in Guadalcanal.

He's never been no place.
See?

None of us have.
We're all phonies, see?

Especially after a hard day,

only sometimes
we're more phony
than others, you get me?

I understand.
He ain't running
for mayor or nothing.

He just needs
a good night's sleep.
What're you trying to pull?

A good night's rest instead of
trying to make a sucker
out of the Marine Corps.

Get your arms away from me!

We all get it.
You ought to see me
in a thunderstorm.

Good night, Woodrow.
Good night... No.

Come on, take him away.
No, Libby, wait a minute.

No, you're making a mistake.

ALL: We want Woodrow.

ALL (SINGING)
We want Woodrow for our mar

Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Of all the cheesy songs
I ever heard, that one
certainly takes the cracker.

Down with Noble
Let's kick Evvy off his chr

Feel better?
No.

How can you think of food
at a moment like this?

You gotta live.

Oh, it would turn to
Russian dressing in my
stomach. What did they say?

They say
everything looks great.
They did?

For Woodrow.
Oh.

We want Woodrow for our Mayor

Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Don't chew with your mouth
open, do you mind?

I'm just
a little bit irritable.
I don't blame you.

Well, are you going to
eat it, or aren't you?

I mean to say, why did he
have to come back at
a moment like this?

I mean to say,
if he had to come back,

why couldn't he have come back
after the election?

I mean to say,
I don't want to sound
unpatriotic or anything,

but a man like that
belongs in Guadeloupe.

Guadalcanal.
Guadalcanal.

I mean to say,
in a war like this,

every man must do
what he does best,

and what he does best,
he does in Guadalcanal.

Save your voice, Evvy.
Huh?

I mean to say,
a boy like that
needs exercise

and violent physical conflict
to keep him fit.

Why, he'll be lost
in a town like this.
The quiet will kill him.

Save your throat, Evvy.
You don't have to persuade me.

What I'm trying to say is...
I know what
you're trying to say.

I've been listening to you
long enough.

Do you always eat backwards?
Huh?

I mean to say,
I don't even think
he wants to be mayor.

Well, what does that mean?

Everybody wants to be mayor.
That's human nature.

Everybody but me.
With me
it's just civic pride.

Why don't you look
what you're doing?

I mean to say,
soldiers coming back
at moments like this

can upset a political balance
that has taken
years to adjust.

They take on an importance
that completely
overshadows the...

I mean to say,
if you took

the seats I'm building for
the Army and the Navy
and the Marine Corps

and sat them side by side,

they'd probably stretch
from here to
the shores of Tripoli,

but I can't wear one
around my neck or pin it on
my bosom with a purple ribbon.

You notice they don't bring
MacArthur back on the eve
of a national election.

I wonder if he really
is a hero?

Who, MacArthur?

Why, certainly he's a hero.
They're all heroes.

And if I didn't happen to have
got stuck in the Quartermaster
Corps during the last war,

I'd probably have more stuff
on me than you could hang
on a Christmas tree.

I was talking about Woodrow.
How do you know he's a hero?

Because I saw the things...
That don't make it official.

What are you talking about?
Don't go chasing moonbeams!

There's some things you have
to accept on faith...
Value... Face value.

And one of them is a hero.
You can't ask him
for his union card.

Then why do you suppose
he took off his uniform?

That ain't natural.

Because he's home.
Because he's been dismissed,
or whatever you call it.

What for?
How do I know what for?

Maybe he has corns or bunions.
How do I know?

It ain't natural to take off
a uniform in wartime.

It's just
the other way around.

What are you doing
there, anyway?
Get me Western Union.

I'm gonna wire the Marine base
in San Diego and check up
on our local hero.

What's the matter with you?
Are you trying to kill me
politically forever?

Save your voice, Evvy.
You leave me out of this,
you understand?

I don't want to be
mixed up in this
in any shape,

form, connection
or even by innuendo.

If you do this,
it's completely at
your own risk and peril.

I challenge
his fitness as mayor,

but the one thing
that I do not challenge,
question or doubt

is the fact
that he is a hero.

I want that definitely...
Shut up, will you?

I will not shut up.
Hello, Western Union?

Give me that. I won't...
I want to send a night letter.

They're coming through
the palm trees.

Here they come.
Save each other.

There's hundreds of them.
Can't you see them?

There's thousands of them!

Fix bayonets. Man the guns.

Here they come, boys.
Commence firing!
Follow me. Charge!

What's the matter?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I had a nightmare.

You're lucky.
Huh?

You're lucky
you don't have them
all the time like some guys.

You want some more hot milk
or something?

I'll be all right.

You gonna stay there
all night?

I don't care much about
sleeping at night.

(THUDDING)

What's the matter now?
I'm all right.

Was you looking for something?

(ROOSTER CROWING)

I got it! Oh, boy!

I've got it! Everything's
all right. It came to me
with the sunrise.

Oh, boy.

(HUMMING)

Get set, get ready,
on your marks.
Oh, boy.

Hot diggity.
Thank you, ma'am.

They go down a little easier
with some butter on them,
Mrs. Truesmith.

Maybe you haven't heard
there's a war on, Sergeant.

Boy, I guess she told you.

(WOODROW WHISTLING)

(SINGING) Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Good morning, all.
Good morning, Mama.

Good morning, darling.
I hope you all
had a good night.

Well, well, how about
a stack of your famous
flannel cakes, Mama?

Light as a feather
and put together
by fairy hands.

Taste their crunchy,
brunchy, munchiness.
Ask your grocer.

Good morning, boys.
Good morning,
Sergeant Heppelfinger.

Is everybody happy?

I trust your conscience
didn't keep you awake
during the night.

You know,
there's nothing like
a well-trained conscience.

Now, you take the conscience
in its wild or native form
when first trapped...

What is it?
What's the matter,
am I unpleasant?

Is the reason
for my unpopularity at last
revealed as in a vision?

I was wondering if you'd been
guzzling some more
of that cooking wine.

Guzzling at this hour
of the morning.
Sergeant, you offend me.

What happened? Did somebody
leave you some dough
or something?

Now, wouldn't you be happy
if you were about to become
the mayor of this fair city?

Not large, mind you,
but fascinating.

Lives there a man with a soul
so dead who never to himself
hath said...

Good morning, Libby.

Won't you join us
in a stack of collision mats,

as they say in
the good old Marine Corps,
and a cup of jamoke?

Thank you.

Good morning, Mrs. Truesmith.
Good morning, dear.

Good morning.
MEN: Good morning.

Good morning, Woodrow.
Good morning.

I'm glad
you're feeling better.
Never felt better in my life.

Just call me Mr. Mayor.

Oh, you got over
all that nonsense, then?
What nonsense was that?

I mean about never
having been in Guadalcanal
and all that stuff.

I said such a thing?
Well, I certainly
understood you to.

But how could I?

I'm a great hero.
People run when
they see me coming.

I kill Nips with
a wave of the hand.
I blow them down.

I shoot them from all angles,
backwards, forwards,
while looking in mirrors.

I swim into the water
and drown them like rats.

I pick up a machine gun and...

(MIMICS GUN FIRING)
I got it.

You got what?
He's playing Daffy Dill
from Dopeyville.

Oh, no, I'm not.
I invite an investigation.

I'm as sane as a Dane,
and I'm going to be mayor.

Are you sure
you feel all right, Woodrow?
There you are, Libby.

What are you
talking about, dear?
I'll tell you one thing.

I certainly feel a lot better
than I did yesterday.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Aha.

I'll get it, dear.

What are you trying to pull?
You'll find out.

Yes?
Hello. This is
the Marine base in San Diego.

Is Corporal Truesmith there?
Yes.

Woodrow,
Marine base in San Diego
wants to talk to you.

To me?

Now, whatever could
the Marine base in San Diego
want to talk to me about?

I'd better find out.

All ready, Woodrow?
In just one moment.

Good morning, all.
Good morning, Judge.

Good morning, Dr. Bissell.

Hello? Yes, yes, this is
Corporal Truesmith speaking.

What's that?
Oh, yes, sir, Colonel.

Oh, excuse me, Colonel,
I'm naturally so excited
to hear that

that I just naturally forgot
who I was talking to.

Yeah. Well, don't forget
to save me
some breakfast, will you?

I probably shouldn't be
doing this at all, and if
the gang ever finds out...

Yes, sir, Colonel,
I certainly will.

And I'm awfully grateful
to you for calling me
and for taking me back.

Thank you, Colonel, sir.
Goodbye.

Woodrow.
Well, what do you know
about that?

Know about what?
What a small world.

They're taking me back
into the Marine Corps
for limited service

and I have to leave
for San Diego at once.

JUDGE: But the parade.
BISSELL: The rally.

The mayoralty.
Aren't you going to be
our new mayor?

I'm sorry, Judge.
The United States comes first.

They won't be sending you
anywhere dangerous anymore,
will they?

Well, I should hope not,
after all he's been through.

It'll probably be
just some sort
of clerical work,

you know,
like working in a shipyard

or an aeroplane factory,
you know, guarding things.

Then, why don't they
leave you here
where we need you?

That's right.

That's one of the weaknesses
of the military viewpoint.

Doesn't always recognize
the importance of civilians
in wartime.

Well, I'm sorry, Judge,
but when duty calls,
duty calls.

MRS. TRUESMITH: Do you have to
leave today, dear?
I'm afraid so.

You'll ride in
the parade anyway, won't you?

Now that it's all dolled up
and everything?

Well, sure, but I don't see
what good it'll do.
When duty calls, you gotta go.

JUDGE:
Well, it might do some good.

Well, I certainly can't
refuse that.

Well, I'll see if
everything's ready then.

It's going to be more
like a funeral march.

Can I ride in the parade
with you, Woodrow?
Just this last time?

Sure, if you think
it'd be all right.
Of course it'll be all right.

I have the right
to say goodbye to you.

I'm sorry, Mama,
but I just can't do
anything about it.

It'll be so lonely
without you.

Lay off.

(WHISTLING)

Good morning.
Where you been?

Who, me? I was just
taking a little walk.

Since when do you
forget to have breakfast?

Oh, you were just making
a little phone call to
that dame in San Diego.

I got you, Colonel.

Well, you know...

Hey!
Why you can't...

We're very sorry,
it's nothing. There's just
a little feeling there.

SERGEANT: Lay off, will you?
You can settle it later.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You meant that for me,
didn't you?
What about it?

You think I'm afraid, huh?

Well, I'm sure glad
I wasn't ever in
a foxhole with you.

Let him go.
You yellow...

Let him go!

Go find a woman to fight with.
That's all you know
how to hurt.

Come on, kid.

Parades, statues,
burning mortgages...
I subscribed to that.

So did I, for that matter,
but I mean to say...

Save your voice, Evvy.
For what? I mean to say,

I have nothing
against the boy personally.

A hero is a fine thing
in its place.
You mean in a park.

I don't wish this young man
anything but success

in what he can do best,
but what can he do best?

If you ask me, I think...
That is our problem.

I speak not as
your candidate for mayor,
but as the most humble voter.

Why don't you
save your voice?
Why don't you shut up?

I mean to say,
this problem is not local.
It's national.

In a few years,
if the war goes on,
heaven forbid,

you won't be able to
swing a cat without knocking
down a couple of heroes.

Now, are we going to be
governed by young men,

very young men,
however well-meaning or
patriotic they may be,

whose principal talent
consists of hopping in
and out of wolf holes...

Foxholes.
Huh?

They're called foxholes.

Talent consists of hopping
in and out of foxholes

and killing
hundreds of enemies
with one swoop of the sword?

Or are we going to be governed
by respectable civic leaders
of mature age

who do not seek
the appointment, but accept it
as a civic duty?

I refer to men like,
well, myself.

ALL: (SINGING)
Up our hero goes
and down this zero goes

'Cause we want Woodrow
for our mayor

We want Woodrow
We want Woodrow

We want Woodrow for our mayor

Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Let's give Everett the air

Up with Woodrow
Down with Noble

Let's get Everett
off the chair

Up our hero goes and down

Isn't it exciting, Evvy?
They'll find out
whether it's exciting or not.

Hold your horses.
What's the matter now?

Have you got a wire for me?
Yeah.

Howdy, Mr. Mayor.
How are you?

If I can just remember
where I put it.

What kind of wire?
Can you remember
where it came from?

Well, let me see.
It's San Diego.
Oh, boy.

You're a big help.
I'm sorry, Evvy.

Why don't you watch
what you're doing?

But, then,
how could he have been
in the Guadalcanal?

That's just it. He wasn't.
He wasn't?

No.
Well, then.
Then, he's a fraud, a faker.

He ought to be tarred
and feathered, oh, boy!

Who's a fraud and a faker?
Save your voice, Evvy.

Who's a fraud and a faker?

Your hero!
I don't believe it.

You don't believe it? Come on!
Now, be careful.

We want Woodrow

We want Woodrow for our mayor

Win with Woodrow
Win with Woodrow

Let's give Everett the air

I wonder if this would be
rubbing it in a little, eh?

It says, "Help yourself."
Well, there's still
plenty of time.

Everett, I just have a feeling
you're going to make
an ass of yourself,

and I'm just going to pretend
I don't know you.

I wish you didn't
have to pretend.
Save your voice, Evvy.

Quiet, please.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Quiet, please!

(BAND PLAYING)

And if the band will
kindly cease for one moment,

we will be able
to hear the address

we are all so anxious to hear.

(ALL CHEER)

Quiet.

The first speaker will be
our beloved Judge Dennis.

Yesterday morning,
seven Marines
got off the northbound.

Six of them were
strangers to us.

One, a local boy
who had made good.

Yesterday afternoon,

we asked this local boy
to cast his lot with ours.

You might call us the unvested
or shirtsleeve interests
of the town.

Shall we do it now,
or let him linger?
Let him have his moment.

To cast his lot with ours
and lead us to victory.

I'm going to ask Woodrow
himself to tell you
the rest of the story.

(BAND PLAYING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Oh, come now.

I came here this morning
to say goodbye to you,

to tell you that I have been
called back into the Marine
Corps for limited service,

and that for that reason
I would be unable
to run for mayor.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

Hooray!

You'd better save your hoorays
for somebody else.

For somebody
who deserves them.

Like Doc Bissell here,
who's tried for so long
to serve you,

only you didn't know
a good man
when you saw one.

So, you always elected
a phony instead.

Oh, I am, am I?
Well, let me tell you
something, young man.

Save your voice, Evvy.
You'll find out.

Everett, you're making
a spectacle of yourself.

Will you kindly...

Until a still-bigger phony
came along,

then you naturally wanted him.

This should have been
the happiest day of my life.

It could have been.

Instead, it's the bitterest.

It says in the Bible,
"My cup runneth over."

Well, my cup runneth over
with gall.

This is the last act.
The farce is over.

The lying is finished,

and the coward is
at least cured of his fear.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I think this whole thing
had better be called off.

He don't feel so good
in the head sometimes.

Sit down!
Quiet!

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

I was born in this town.

My father was born here.

Most of this town is on
my grandfather's homestead.

My grandfather was
an honorable man.
So was my father.

I've sold papers on the street
to most of you
who are here this morning.

I've known you all my life.

Your affection means
a great deal to me,

and now that
I've lost the chance forever,

I want you all to know
how much it would have
meant to me to be the mayor,

or the city clerk, or the
assistant city clerk or the
dogcatcher of this town,

which was
my grandfather's farm.

By the same token,
I would have gladly
given my life

to have earned just one of
the many ribbons you've seen
on these brave men's chests.

If I could reach as high as
my father's shoestrings,

my whole life would be
justified, and I would stand
here before you proudly,

instead of as the thief
and the coward that I am.

I say a coward
because I postponed until now

what I should have told you
a year ago

when I was discharged
from the Marine Corps
for medical unfitness.

A coward because I didn't want
my mother to know.

Well, it wasn't to save her.
It was to save me.

A thief because
I stole your admiration.

I stole the ribbons I wore.

I stole this nomination.

I have never been in Guadal...

I have never been in
Guadalcanal or anyplace else.

I've been working in
a shipyard for the last year.

I've never received medals
of any description,

naturally,
since I've never fought.

Two days ago
I decided to come home,

and since I'd written to
my mother that I was overseas,

I had to come home
as a soldier.

I had to have some ribbons,
so I bought some
in a hockshop.

When I was all dressed up,
I met some real Marines,

and I fooled them just as much
as I did the rest of you.

Not that I really wanted
to fool any of you. I...

I just wanted to come home.

That's as dirty a lie
as I ever...

Sit down!
MAN: Quiet!

Sit down!

I've told you all this because

too many men have bled
and died for you and for me

to live this lie any longer.

I guess that's why I told you.
I certainly didn't mean to
when I came in.

I'm going home now
and pack my things,

so this will probably be
my last chance
to say goodbye to you.

I know my mother will
give you back the mortgage,

and I hope you won't hold it
against her that the son
didn't quite come through.

There's no use telling you
I'm sorry, because

I wish I was dead.

I...

That's all.

I need some air.

If everybody will
please keep your seats.

Please, please, sit down.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

I just wanna
tell you one thing, see.

I seen a lot of
brave men in my life.
That's my business,

but what that kid just done
took real courage, you get me?

And now that
he's shot his mouth off,

you might as well
hear the rest of it.
In fact, you'd better hear it.

There's six of us, see,
and we got 15 cents
between us,

and we're from Guadalcanal,
and no fooling, what I mean!

I'll be over in a few minutes.
You'd better not, dear.

You've got yourself
in enough trouble.
I'll be over in a few minutes.

(MEN LAUGHING)

There you see
one of the fallacies...

I wouldn't want this
to go any further,
you understand?

...of the
democratic principle.

They can vote for
anybody they like.

I was never deceived
for an instant,

but the poor,
misguided voters,

without a brain
to bless themselves with,

without a cerebellum
to the carload...

Make a note of that,
Jake, I'll use it.
I wouldn't.

Open up their arms to...
Oh, there you are.

Hello.

I'm so sorry, dear.
My heart bled for you.

You have the effrontery
to return?

What?
Oh, shut up, Evvy.

Don't pay
any attention to him, Libby.

And what do you think
of your hero now?

Don't rub it in.
She probably feels
badly enough.

Well, she should feel badly,
and if you ask my advice...

He's a sucker to even
consider going through
with the marriage.

I've got to see
somebody outside.
I don't blame you.

But I don't feel badly at all.
You don't?

This is a matter
entirely between
Libby and myself.

And Woodrow.
And Woodrow?

And Woodrow?
Naturally.

You mean to tell me after
that disgraceful exhibition

you still have
any interest in the hero?

I guess women feel a little
differently than men do
about these things, Forrest.

Of course they do.

So, if you'll please
forgive me and not think
too harshly of me.

You see what I told you?
You walked right into it.

Why couldn't
you stay here, dear?

Now that
you've told everything,

nothing much more can happen.

Who'd give me a job?

If I can find a nice place
someplace where
we're not known,

I'll send for you and...

I know you meant it
for the best.

I know you meant it for me,
no matter what anyone else
might think.

Hello.

Can I help you?
I can manage all right.

Well, save a little room
for me, will you?

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Of course I'm going with you.

I've never loved anybody
but you,

and you never loved anybody
but me.

You can't say it's because
you're a hero that I'm running
after you, can you?

Oh, Woodrow,
when I think
I almost lost you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You're crazy, honey.
Then I'm crazy.

WOODROW: Is she on time,
Mrs. Kennedy?
How's that?

WOODROW: Is the southbound
on time?
Yep.

Be here in four
and a quarter minutes.
Thank you.

Where you going?
Thought you was
running for mayor.

I changed my mind.
That's very unusual.

Well, this is an unusual case.
How about the sarge?

I told him where you were.
Go find him.

He'll be here.
He don't ever miss nothing.

Hey, jiggers,
the whole town is coming!
What is it, a lynching?

With us here, we'll kind of
surround you, see?

Yeah, you were gonna
do that before, you remember?

Take it easy. Take it easy.
Just a minute, Come here.

Come here.
Quiet.

Quiet, quiet!
Take it easy! Take it easy!

Come on, back it up, will you?
Quiet!

Quiet!
Give the guy
a little room, will you?

Thank you very much.
Quiet!

You wanted to see me,
Judge Dennis?

We had quite a talk
after you left, Woodrow.

The Sergeant told us
a few things.
Quite a few things.

That you had forgotten
to mention.

Naturally the nomination
went back to Doc Bissell.

But he got up and said...

"Ladies and gents..."
Don't misquote me.

What?
I said,
"Ladies and gentlemen."

Of course you did.
I said, "Ladies and gentlemen,

"in all the years that I
have been unsuccessfully
mixed into politics,

"this is the first and only
time that I have ever seen
a candidate for office

"given an opportunity
to prove publicly,

"permanently and
beyond peradventure of doubt

"that he was honest,
courageous and veracious."

That means truthful.
He likes those big words.

that if to act out a little
lie to save one's mother
humiliation was a fault,

in other words,
if tenderness toward

and consideration
of one's mother was a fault,

it was a fault
any man might be proud of.

MAN 1: Hear! Hear!
MAN 2: Hooray!

BISSELL: Thank you.

I made a very good speech
on your behalf, Woodrow.

Much better than
I ever made for myself.

JUDGE: It was a wonderful
speech, Woodrow.

The guy had us
all blubbering.

I meant every word of it
straight from the heart.

I concluded by pointing out

that if this town really
wanted an honest, courageous
and veracious mayor,

they had better catch you
before you caught the
southbound and got away.

So we came right over.
That's why we're here.

I'm a little dizzy.
I don't quite get
what you mean.

I think they mean
they want you as mayor,
Woodrow.

You mean you still want me?

We still want you
very much.

What do we want
a soldier for anyway?

Politics is a very peculiar
thing, Woodrow.

If they want you,
they want you.

They don't need
reasons anymore.
They find their own reasons.

It's just like
when a girl wants a man.

That's right.
You don't need reasons,

although
they're probably there.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Pardon me for intruding,

but is anybody interested
in getting on this train,

or is this the Democratic
National Convention?

Well, I...
Of course you're not
going now.

Nobody's leaving, please.

Okay, all...
Just a minute, Mac.

Give me six of them tickets,
will you?

We still got a little work
to do in our own line.

So long, kid.
Goodbye, dear.

Will you come back?

Well, we always
come back before.

So long, everybody.
See youse in church.

Come on there, rookies.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Save your voice, Evvy.
They've just
renominated Woodrow.

Isn't it exciting, Evvy?

Now the battle is on again.
Shut up!

Renominated Woodrow?
What on?

I don't know, but I think
it's a vindication campaign.

A vindication campaign?
Look out.

(YELLS)

So long, gang.
CONDUCTOR: All aboard!

I don't know how to...
Don't say it.
It was a pleasure.

Anything for
the son of an old pal.

I knew the Marines could do
almost anything,

but I never knew
they could do anything
like this.

You got no idea.