Hail Caesar (1994) - full transcript

Caesar is a would-be rock star. But for now, he works at a pencil eraser factory. Soon he falls in love with the owner's daughter. In order to get her, he bets with the old man that he can make a hundred thousand dollars in six months.

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Love is patience ♪

♪ Love is understanding ♪

♪ Love is never selfish ♪

♪ Love is never demanding ♪

♪ Love is a woman ♪

♪ Love is a little child ♪

♪ Love is a real man, baby ♪

♪ Love can be so wild ♪

♪ Love is all color ♪

♪ Love is a launch into space ♪

♪ Love is not a season ♪

♪ Love is not a race ♪

♪ It's more than you, more than we know ♪

♪ More than they know,
more than I know, ooh ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ I said more than you
know, more than we know ♪

♪ More than they know,
more than I know, ooh ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ Love is God ♪

♪ And love is a surprise ♪

♪ Love is wisdom, baby ♪

♪ Love is in your eyes ♪

♪ Love is music ♪

♪ And love is the way you move ♪

♪ Love is Instamatic pop, pop ♪

♪ Love is gonna make you groove ♪

♪ Love is precious when
love is in motion ♪

♪ Love is primitive when
love is total devotion ♪

♪ Love is the answer and love is peace ♪

♪ And love is the power, baby ♪

♪ Love is the release ♪

♪ It's more than you
know, more than we know ♪

♪ More than they know,
more than I know, ooh ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ I said it's more than you
know, more than we know ♪

♪ More than they know,
more than I know, ooh ♪

♪ Love is ♪

(crowd chattering)

(crowd cheering)

(bluesy electric guitar music)

(crowd cheers)

(mic thumping)

- Thank you, thank you very much.

Now this next song is one
of our hometown favorites

and I'd love to dedicate it to me mum.

- Hey bonehead, get off the stage!

Sound check ended over an hour ago.

- Fooled you, didn't I?

I'm Julius, Julius Caesar.

I know what you're thinkin'.

You're out there sayin' no way, can't be.

Well, it's true.

My parents, may God rest their
souls, were archaeologists,

big Roman history buffs, and
that's the name they gave me.




Look, if you wanna make it
big in the music business,

which you may rest assured I will do,

you gotta have the name.

Even so, it was no picnic being a kid

named after a dead emperor,
but that's another story.

Now, how did a guy like
me, talented but unknown,

find himself pounding on
the doorway of mega stardom?

I owe it all to her: Venus,
the Roman goddess of love.

But let's start back at the beginning

when I was just another
struggling young rocker.

(heavy rock music)

This is the crib, the palace so to speak.

This is my band, Hail Caesar.

♪ Hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey ♪

♪ Oh dee oh ♪

♪ Lover come ♪

♪ Lover go ♪

♪ Bird fly high ♪

This is Chaos,

so named for situations that arise

whenever he gets loose.

(mailman whistling)
(suspenseful funk music)

♪ Doh ♪

(Chaos grumbles)

(bass guitar music)

(heavy rock music)
(Chaos grunting)

♪ Only what ya feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪
(Chaos grumbling)

(Chaos barks)

(door thuds)

(mailman screams)

♪ Only what you feel ♪

(mailman screaming)

- [Mailman] (whimpering) Oh God, oh God.

Get off me, ya big mutt.

Please get off of me.

Get off of me, get off, get off.

Somebody help!

- Chaos.
- Get it off me!

- Come on,

get off the mailman.
- Get it off!

- Get off the mailman.

- [Mailman] That's it, that's it.

- I'm sorry, sir, he likes you.

- [Mailman] Not mutual.

- Hey, your mail!

- Anything for me?

- Yeah, from California University.

What do they want?

- I don't know, must be my grades.

- I didn't know you went to college.

- Ha.

We regret to inform you that you no longer

meet our eligibility requirements.

I don't?

- Four F's and an incomplete.

Very impressive, Julius.

- Oh man.

Okay, you know what this means, don't ya?

From now on, total focus on the music.


Can we make a pact here?

- Sure!

- Huh, can we join hands?

- Sure, baby!

- Julius, let's go inside.

- No, this is the defining moment, okay?

Now let's all repeat:

I realize now.

- [Wlad And Annie] I realize now.

- [Julius] All I have is my music.

- [Wlad And Annie] All I have is my music.

- Nowhere to hide.

- [Wlad And Annie] Nowhere to hide.

- Nothing to fall back on.

- [Wlad And Annie]
Nothing to fall back on.

- Nothing except aspirin
and her rich daddy.

- Buffer, I told you her name is Buffer.

- Buffer, aspirin, whatever.

She still gives me a headache.

- Buffer, oh my.

I was supposed to pick her up an hour ago.

She's gonna kill me.

- Hey, what about the band?

What about your defining moment?

We need to practice.

We suck.

- We don't suck.

We're good!

Right, Wlad?

- What is suck?

I have a hunger now.

I go make the pierogies, okay?

(electric guitar music)

- Annie, look.

It's all rock 'n roll, okay?

We'll deal with it tomorrow.

We'll practice tomorrow,
don't worry about it.

It'll be fine.

God, I'm really late.

(playful plodding music)

- Look at this headline:
World Peace Summit Scheduled.


What a crock.

It's all just a plot to drive
honest arms manufacturers

like me out of business.

- Sir, I'm sure we have
nothing to worry about

on the world peace front, but if I could

call your attention to
a problem at the plant?

- Why do you keep bugging me

about all these little details, Larry?

What the hell am I paying you for?

- Mr. Bidwell, the environmentalists

are picketing the plant.

- So what?

You're scared of a bunch
of sniveling tree huggers?

Turn the fire hoses on 'em.

- I don't think that
would be good publicity

for us right now, sir.

Remember Big Pink.

(ominous music)

- Big Pink.

Nothing must jeopardize Big Pink.

Nothing, you understand me?

(engine rumbling)

Oh God,

not him.

- Mr. Bidwell?

- Just what I need,
Buffer's numbnuts boyfriend.

I swear she's seeing
him just to piss me off.

(playful plodding music)

God, I hope she's not sleeping with him.

(metal banging)

- Hey, Mr. Bidwell!

I can't believe it, not even a scratch.

I'm really sorry about your car, sir.

- I need a drink.

(light flute music)

- Please send me the bill.

(doorbell rings)

(butler grunts)

Hi there.

Is Buffer, uh...

- [Butler] Eh, kids all here.

- Not bad and you?

(soft orchestral music)

(Julius exhales)

(breath spray clattering)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(glass breaking)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(Julius exhales)

(sultry string music)

- Hi.

(record scratches)

Excuse me, you're late.

You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

- I'm sorry.

We were practicing.

We're really sounding good.

- Yeah.

Let's just get outta here.

(Buffer grunts)

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(upbeat electronic music)

(Buffer grunts)

- Do we have to ride on that thing?

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Living in a ♪

- I thought ya liked it

- Hello, it gets bugs in my teeth.

Let's just take Daddy's car.

♪ First you were rich ♪

- Cool.

♪ Now you are poor ♪

♪ First you're in love ♪

♪ Then she's walkin' out the door ♪

(Buffer chuckles)

♪ First there is peace ♪

♪ Then there is war ♪

♪ First she's a virgin ♪

♪ Now you're callin' her a whore ♪

♪ There's always a surprise ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a crazy world ♪

- Sorry about your bumper, Mr. Bidwell.

- God, I hate that punk.

He's the worst one yet.

- Well, I'm sure it's just a phase, sir.

She'll get tired of him

and dump him just like everyone else.

- What if she marries that piece of dirt?

- Get a hold of yourself, Mr. Bidwell.

♪ Crazy world ♪

- Why can't she find a respectable fellow?

Someone with a future, a good Republican.

- Someone like yourself, sir.

- Damn it, why can't she
find someone like me?

♪ The wise man tells a riddle ♪

- (clears throat) I voted Republican, sir.

♪ And some people got your ♪

- (laughs) This is rich.

(scoffs) You and Buffer? (laughs)

Oh, I can see it.

What is it all the kids are saying?


(men laughing)

(soft electronic music)

♪ Mm mm, ooh ♪

- Oh Buffer.

- Cut it out, Julius.

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ My feet are cold ♪

- Buffer, I love you.

- I know you do.

♪ They're all I got ♪

- "I know you do?"

What's that supposed to mean?

- (chuckles) I'm sorry, Julius,

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Okay, you can kiss me.

♪ And all your cash ♪

- (scoffs) What is up with you?

- Now what?

Julius, if you really love
me, you'd stop pressuring me.

♪ When I'm chillin' ♪

- I'm sorry, you're right.

- I have been under a tremendous
amount of stress lately.

And my therapist is on vacation.

My party is tomorrow.

Mommy is in Switzerland.

I have, like, a million
things to do to get ready.

By the way, what are you wearing?

- Um, I can't go to the party.

- Excuse me?

- We've got practice tomorrow night.

I promised.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ All the other necessary violence ♪

- You don't care about me.

- You don't care about me!

- Annie, I promised.

- Since when did you start
keeping your promises, huh?

Oh, Annie, we'll jam tomorrow.

You're full of it, Julius.

You don't care about anything

except yourself and that stuck up witch!

- What did you call her?

- Witch!

- Oh, I thought you said something else.

- Oh God, at this rate we'd be better off

starting a band in Russia.

(Wlad laughs)

- Look Annie, do me a favor.

Will you take your medication?

We'll practice tomorrow.

- Yeah, and then tomorrow
it'll be the next day.

Look, this band means everything to me.

I've been put in jail for this band.

- Annie, you were put in jail
for stealing a UPS truck.

Now, come on.
- Well yeah.

That was so we could haul
our gear to that gig.

What have you done?

- Me, how can you ask me that?

I'm the front man.

- Oh God.

Besides shakin' your skinny
ass, Julius, you're a joke.

If you're the front man
why don't you act like one

and be a leader.

Stop selling out.

- I'm not selling out!

- You say this band is your
life and then you blow it off.

And for what, huh?

A party?

- It's very important to Buffer.

- What about what's important to you?

- She's important to me.

- Well ya can't always have it both ways.

One of these days you're gonna

have to stand up for what you believe in.

- I will.

I do.

(bluesy electric guitar music)

And I'm not a sellout.

Nice suit.

(doorbell rings)

(butler grunts)

How ya doin'?

(playful plodding music)

- [Butler] Why can't this kid get a job?

(light music)

(party goers chattering)

- Julius.

How the hell are ya, ya old gravy boat.

- Mr. Remora.

Have you seen Buffer?

- I'm sure she's around here somewhere.

How 'bout a drink?

What's your poison?

- I don't know, beer I guess.

- Beer. (chuckles)

Well that's no way to get in the spirit

of things now is it?

Charlie, a martini.

You'll love it.

(speaking in foreign language)

(Julius sputters)

(Julius coughing)

Allow me.

(Julius coughing)

No, keep it, please.

My gift to you. (chuckles)

By the way, Mr. Bidwell has
asked to speak with you,

if you have a moment.

(Mr. Bidwell exhales)

- [Julius] Great party, Mr. Bidwell.

- Ya know what, numbnuts?

- [Julius] What, sir?

- I don't like you.

I've never liked you and
I'm never gonna like you.

- That's funny, sir. (chuckles)

- Okay, kid.

I'll get right to the point.

(gun clicks)

I will give you $50,000 if

you will stay away from
my daughter for the rest

of your natural born life.

(cartridge clicks)

- $50,000?

(gun clicks)

- 75,000.

- What?

- $100,000 and that's my final offer.

- You're serious?

- Well of course I'm serious, numbnuts!

- Oh, I get it.

You're just testing me to see

how much love I have for your daughter.

Okay. (chuckles)

Let me just tell ya
somethin', Mr. Bidwell.

Julius Caesar does not sell out.

Now I love Buffer and I
will do anything for Buffer.

If you're gonna deprive me of that right,

you may as well kill me.

I'm dead.

(gun fires)

(glass breaking)
Kidding, kidding.

(laughs) Kidding, sir.

Can we talk about this?

- I used to be like you.

What am I saying?

I was never like you, but I was poor.

I was uneducated and through hard work

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps

and look what I made of myself.

President of a multi-national corporation

and one of the biggest
producers of pencil erasers

in the entire Western Hemisphere.

Buffer's all I have.

If she stays with you, my
hard work goes for nothing.

You'll blow everything.

My daughter needs a man
to carry on my work.

A strong man,

a man of vision,

a man of destiny.

- I am that man, sir.

- Don't make me barf.

Look at yourself.

You've got no education, got no job.

What are your plans for the future?

- Well I was kind of thinking

Buffer would support me at
least 'til the band took off.

- Get out of my house,
you're staining my carpet.

I'll have a check cut for $100,000.

- Wait, there's gotta be some
way I can prove myself to you.

What have you got to lose?

- My patience for one thing.

- No, listen to me.

I can make you proud of me.

(suspenseful music)

I can do it.

If I can't,

I'll disappear.

I'll bet you anything.

- Bet?

You say bet?

- I'll bet you anything you want.

- Well, well, well, seems
I'm a sportin' man, junior.

Tell ya what I'm gonna do.

If you can come up

with $100,000 within six months,

you can have my daughter with my blessing.

If you fail you have to stay away

for the rest of your
life and I'll squash you.

What do ya say, Julius?

How bad do you want it?

- Hundred grand in six months.

That comes to, uh...

- That's $4,666.66

a week, son.

- Where am I gonna get that kind of money?

- Tell ya what.

I'm feeling generous.

I'll even give you a job.

- You'll what?

- Eh, one of my plants.

The work is hard, but
if you're the new man

you say you are, I'm
sure you'll be up to it.

(tense music)

(men laughing)

- The day Daddy bought me the Porsche

I wrecked it and he had
to buy me another one.

(group laughing)

Oh Julius, I want you to meet
Grayden, Boyden, and Cyan.

They're members of Daddy's club.

Guys, this is Julius.

- Nice to meet you guys.

- So what were we talking about?

- Buffer, can I talk to
you for a second, please?

(party goers chattering)

- Not now, Julius.

You're being rude. (chuckles)

- It's important.

- Not more important than the club.

(group laughs)

I invited you to this party so that you

could meet the right kind of people.

You are blowing it big time.

- Please?

- No.

- Any of you guys drive a black BMW?

Because I just saw the valet outside

on the front lawn doin' donuts.

You might wanna check that out.

- Real cute, Julius.

- Don't get mad when I tell ya

what I'm about to tell ya.

- I'm already mad at you.

- I just made a bet with your dad.

- You should know better
than to bet with Daddy.

He never loses.

What did you bet?

- You.

If I don't come up with
$100,000 in the next six months,

I can never see you again for the rest

of my natural born life.

- You're fighting over me?

(Buffer laughs)

This is exciting. (laughs)

- Have you lost your mind, sir?

- Hey, take a pill, Larry.

- But you've hired that,
(speaking in foreign language),

hoodlum at our most critical plant.

- Whose plant?

- I'm sorry, did I say our plant?

Your plant.

Your plant.

- Don't you ever forget it.

- Yes, sir.

But if I may, this is a very,

this is a very sensitive
time at the plant.

Think of Big Pink.

With all the protestors,
government inspections,

I'm spending all my time there as it is.

- Exactly, so you can keep an eye on him.

You can make sure he doesn't
get into any trouble.

- Yes sir, but--

- You can have some fun with
him, but don't let him quit.

As long as he's on the assembly
line earning $7 an hour,

I don't have to worry about my bet.

(romantic orchestral music)

- [Julius] Now I know
what you're thinking.

Caesar, you're a fool.

Shoulda taken the 100 grand.

But give Caesar his due.

I was young and in love
and there was no way

I was gonna sell out,
so I accepted the terms

of Bidwell's cold-blooded challenge

and hurled myself fearlessly

into the uncharted world of capitalism.

- [Protestors] Save our Earth!

Save this place!

Close down Bidwell's, don't erase!

Save our Earth!

Save this place!

Close down Bidwell's, don't erase!

- You can't!

- Scab!

- [Protestors] Close down
Bidwell's, don't erase!

Save our Earth!

Save this place!

Close down!

(Pete laughing)

- You mean you've never worked
in an eraser factory before?

- No, sir.

But, um, it really stinks.

- Stinks?

- Not the job, sir, the smell?

Has a certain aroma.

- (sniffs) Oh yeah. (sniffs)

- No offense.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

No offense, no offense.

Now you'll get used to it.

Look at me, I've been here for 20 years.

20 years, I've been here 20 years.

Ya know how long I've been here?

- 20 years.

- How'd you know?

(Julius laughs)

20 years.

Ya know rubber must be
running all through my veins.

That's right, I'm sure of
it 'cause no matter what

knocks me down I just bounce right back.

Scarlet, frankly my dear--

(Larry clears his throat)

- Come on, do it.

Hurry it up, time is money.

- Sorry, Mr. Remora.

All right, Julian, why
don't ya take these forms

and fill 'em out and you can get started.

(suspenseful music)

- Thank you, sir.

Do you have a pen?

(Pete gasps)

- We only use pencils
around here. (laughs)

(men laughing)

(machinery whirring)

(Larry whistling)

- Boys, (claps) boys.

Can I have your attention, please?

We have a new man joining our little

work release program here today.

- Loser alert.
- Yeah.

- Julius, say hello to the boys.

- Hi, boys.

(ominous music)

- Julius is a very close
friend of Mr. Bidwell's.

Mr. Bidwell says he
should have a job here.

Does everybody understand that?

Any questions?

- (spits) Where the hell's he gonna work?

- Here with you.

Is that a problem?

- We don't have any openings on this line.

Let him go work somewhere else.

- That reminds me, is there a Nick here?

- Yeah, why?

(sultry music)

- You've been transferred
to the melting pit.

- There's toxic fumes in that pit.

Let your loser friend go work there.

We need Nicky right here.

- Nonsense, Julius can handle
it, thank you very much.

(sultry music)

Hm, well.

There ya have it.

Break's over, back to work.

(upbeat guitar music)

Excuse me, excuse me, hi.

- What's up?

- You wanna know somethin'?

I'm gonna kick your ass.

(rock music thumping)

- What?

- I said, I'm gonna kick your ass.

- Oh, you wouldn't know 'em.

They're not country.

- I said I'm gonna kick your ass.

- Lunch?

- I'm gonna kill you!

- I thought you were gonna kick my ass?

- What?

(playful orchestral music)

- Ooh, ooh.


- So, you wanna play games, huh?

- Oh no, guys, I was just kiddin'.

- Yeah.
- It was a joke.

I was kidding, I was kidding,
the whole time I was kidding.

Joking, joker, he's a joker. (laughs)

- First I'm gonna kick his
ass then I'm gonna kill him.

- No guys, no, no.

Look, I was kidding.

No please, I'm dizzy now.

No, stop.
- Sorry, you wanted

to play games, right?
- No, so no games.

No games, guys, no please.

- You wanted to play games?

- [Julius] No, no, no games.

Now put me down, stop!
- Play games now.

- [Julius] Please, no, no, no more!

(somber music)

- That's it!

I quit!

I coulda been a doctor, but no,

I had to take drugs in college.

No, my mom was right.

I don't need this crap.

Lose the dog or get a post office box.

Ya got that?

Ya got that?

- Oh wow, what happened to you?

- Some of my fellow employees decided

to beat the crap outta me today.

- Employees?

Where are you working, the
World Wrestling Federation?

- No, Mr. Bidwell's eraser factory.

- So that's where you've been all day.

Why would you wanna work there?

- Look, I made this very
stupid bet with Mr. Bidwell.

He says that if I can make him $100,000

in six months, I can have Buffer.

- You made a bet for a person?

- Look, not exactly, Annie.

- That has gotta be the
most offensive, sexist,

disgusting thing I have ever heard.

Does Asprin know about this?

- Look, her name is Buffer, okay?

And actually, she liked the idea.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go inside and take a shower.


- No, you can't take a shower.

We gotta practice, you promised.

- I can't take a shower?

- No.

(soft jazz music)

- Look Annie, we'll practice later, okay.

Take your medication.


- Julius.


(Pete huffs)

- Go home, Dewitt, please.

I told you, there's
nothing to worry about.

- Maybe so.

But those new erasers you've been making,

I've done some testing
and they're not erasers.

They are plastic explosives.

- (laughs) Nonsense, you don't know

what you're talkin' about, Dewitt, please.

- Right.

And then I happened to see
some orders in the computer

and discovered this Big Pink.

You know what's in that file?

- No, what's in the Big
Pink file, Mr. Dewitt?

- I don't know because
I couldn't get into it.

That's because it was encoded,

because it was password
protected, because,

because it was closed up
tighter than two coats of paint.

- Well, I'll have someone
look into that right away.

Gee, wow.

Excellent work there, Dewitt.

Good work.

- But that's not good enough, Larry!

I am the manager here!

I need to know!

What the hell is goin' on around here?

Now you better level
with me and come clean!

Or I'm gonna have to call Bidwell.

(suspenseful music)

- Did you say Big Pink?

- I said Big Pink.

- I'm sorry, I thought you said big stink.

We have no big stink.

I'm so stupid, wow.

You know, I have that data
right here as a matter of fact.

It's here somewhere.

What do ya know, here it is.

Wow, well have a look for yourself.

- What?

It's nothing.


- Are you blind?

Look closer.

Getting old, Dewitt?

- I'm telling you that (grunts).

- You were right.

You had to do it.

He was getting too close.

What are we gonna tell his wife?

- No, don't tell her anything.

I wonder if she knew he
started drinking again?

(ominous music)

- If Dewitt figured out what we're up to,

how can we be sure the next guy won't?

- I've got it all figured out.

I've got the perfect candidate.

(Mr. Bidwell laughing)

- Come on, guys, why are we fighting?

I mean, we're all on the same side, right?

- 'Cause you're an idiot.

- Our jobs are hard.

Our backs are bent, but
is our spirit broken?

I say no.

I say we can do better.

Why should would we work
under these conditions?

Why such low pay?

Why? Why?

I say we form a union
and demand fair wages,

a safe workplace, adequate healthcare.

(angelic music)

We're not asking for a handout,
just a shot at that dream,

the American dream.

So what do ya say?

Are ya with me?

- I say we kill the bastard!

- [Men] Yeah!

- Kill him, kill him.
(men chattering)

- Get him, get him!
(men chattering)

- Oh, want a piece of me, huh?

(men shouting)

Say hello to my little friend.

(extinguisher whooshes)

You wanted to see me, sir?

- Julius.

- Mr. Remora, I'm so sorry about
what happened on the floor.

I really didn't mean
that and I'm really sorry

about what happened earlier.
- Julius, calm down.

Of course you were right to
stand up to Dave and the boys.

In fact, it just confirms for me

the decision I've just made.

- Huh?

- You know, Julius, if America had more

bright self-starters like yourself,

the Filipinos wouldn't
be kickin' our butts

in the arena of eraser production.

Get my drift?

- I don't think so.

- Julius, Mr. Dewitt has


- Disappeared?

- Well, we've known for quite some time

he's had some problems.

We've tried to help and unfortunately

we've done everything we can do.

- Well that's so sad.

He seemed like such a nice guy.

- Yeah, I know.

But it doesn't dampen my
enthusiasm for what I have to say.

Julius, you are the new plant manager.

And as of now, this is your office.

- You mean I'm not fired?

- Fired? (laughs)

Au contraire, Pierre.

Let me ask ya somethin', Julius.

How do you think I've
gotten to where I am?

- By kissin' Mr. Bidwell's--

- By spotting talented
management potential,

and nurturing that potential.

Let's face it, Julius, if
you look good, I look good.

- Isn't that like a shampoo commercial?

- (chuckles) So what do ya
say, you accept the job?

You'll get a handsome raise and I know you

have that bet with Mr. Bidwell going on.

- How much would I make?

- (scoffs) Not enough, but
it will be a good base.

And who knows, with a little effort

you could have my job in no time.

- Oh no, Mr. Remora, I
could never fill your shoes.

- (chuckles) True.

So what do ya say, Julius, hm?

You accept the job?

I mean, don't let me pressure you.

Just say the word and I'll put you back

to work on the floor with your friends.

- I don't know what to say.

- Say you're in.

- All right, I'm in.

- All right! (laughs)

(upbeat music)

- That butt kissing tapeworm.

Daddy, what is he up to now?

- I beg your pardon?

- Remora.

He just made Julius the plant manager?

Now is that because of Julius's

excellent organizational skills,

or is it his vision for the
future of the eraser industry?

- Now Buffer, I'm sure Mr. Remora

knows exactly what he's doing.

After all, he didn't get
to be my right-hand man

by making a lot of bad
business decisions, did he?

- No.
- Well then.

- He got there by lying,
stabbing people in the back,

and kissing your butt.

- Well that's true, but you must be happy.

I mean Julius is showing
a lot of potential.

- I know.

But with him working all the time

I don't have anything to do.

I'm bored.

- Well, how 'bout a game of squash?

I just hired a new pro to
help me work on my backhand.

(doorbell rings)

That must be him now.

- I hate squash.

I wanna go shopping.

(sultry music)

Buffer, this is Steve.

- Hi.

- (chuckles) Hi, nice to meet you.

- You, too.

Daddy, can I have a new
squash racket? (giggles)

- I'll notify his wife.

- No thank you, Mr. Remora.

Okay, there's nothin' else to see here.

Let's get back to work.

(machinery whirring)

- We tried to help him.

It's workers like that that give

the eraser industry a bad name.

Let that be a lesson to you, Julius.

Well, back to work.

(light orchestral music)

- Now this is where it all started for me.

The engine that drives
the heart of America,

the assembly line.

- These are all my friends.

There's Big Dave.

What do ya say, Big Dave?

- Come on, me and you in
the parking lot, punk.

- That's goin' on your file, Dave.

He loves me, he's just kidding.

Back to work.

And this is the last stop on our tour,

the brains of the operation, my office.

Check it out, two phones,
free long distance.

- Free?

- Yeah, I have speaker phone, too,

but I haven't figured out
how to use it yet, but.

Oh and Wlad, look.

Pencil, huh?

With fresh Bidwell eraser, huh?

Where do ya think I should put the hoop?

- I don't know, Julius.

Come on, Wlad, we gotta go.

- Mama!

Mama. (speaking in foreign language)

Wlad! Wlad!



- What's the matter?
(speaking in foreign language)

Is it the smell?

- [Wlad] AT&T!

- It'll go away.

(speaking in foreign language)

You get used to it.

I hardly even notice it
anymore, really. (chuckles)

- [Wlad] America, America!

- I think you're a phony.

(speaking in foreign language)

- I am not.

- What do you know
about running a company?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Look, I'm learning
a lot right now, okay?

My learning curve is very steep.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Come on, this is me.

You don't have to try to impress me.

What do you really do here?

(speaking in foreign language)
(suspenseful music)

- Tell ya the truth, I don't do anything.

(speaking in foreign language)

I'm not really runnin' this company.

- No duh, Julius.

Why do you think they gave you this job?

Bidwell's no fool, he knows you don't know

how to run a company.

He's just trying to keep an eye on you

to make sure you don't win that bet.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Thank you, Julius, thank you.

- You're welcome, Wlad.

(computer beeping)

Hey, don't play with that.

I don't even know how to use that thing.

- [Annie] Julius, why
don't you blow it off

and come back to the
house and play some music?

Your dog misses you.

- No way, okay?

I'm gonna win that bet.

If I could only get like three or four

more jobs I'll be perfect.

- Then I guess I shouldn't wait for you

to come home and practice.

- Annie, I can do this.

Trust me.

- No, I can't.

- What?

- You can't have it both ways.

You say this band is important to you,

but actions speak louder
than words, ya know?

- I can do both.

- Yeah, okay Julius, if you say so.

Come on, Wlad, we're outta here.

- One moment, please.

(computer beeping)

- What'd ya do?

You can get me in a lot of
trouble with this thing, ya know.

What is this?

(computer beeps)

- See, profit and loss statement.

Cash flow, capital expenditures.

Ya know, I'm thinking of
investing in Bidwell's Industries.

- Wlad, tell me something.

What was it that ya did back in Russia?

- I was worker in a cemetery.

Workin' with stiffs.

- Doing what?

- Sales.

- What else did ya do?

- I was an accountant
for a state beef factory.

That's it.

Now I came to America.

Breathe fresh air of freedom, huh?

Shave head, drive a custom as well,

rock 'n roll all night, party every day.

Freakin' good.

- You mean you know how to run a factory?

- Sure, a beef factory, yes.

- Beef, erasers, what's the difference?

Will you teach me?

- You bet!

- No, don't do it, Wlad.

You'll lose your soul.

- Please?

- No.

Come on, let's go.

(suspenseful music)

- Wait.

I just got a great idea.

What is that every band
needs to be discovered?

- Naked woman!

- Besides naked woman, Wlad.

We need

to record

a demo!

- How are we gonna do that, Julius?

- No listen.

With the money I'm making
here, we can record the demo.

With the advance money
from the record deal

I can win the bet.

What do ya say?


- Oh, quit lookin' at me with
those little puppy dog eyes.

You make me wanna puke.

Okay, I don't think it's gonna work,

but if it'll get ya to practice every day.

(Julius grunting)

- [Julius] Please, please, please.

- We'll do it.

- Ah! (squawking)

(Wlad laughs)

(heavy rock 'n roll music)

♪ Hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey ♪

♪ Lover come ♪

♪ Lover come ♪

♪ Lover go ♪

♪ Lover go ♪

♪ Bird fly high ♪

♪ Bird fly high ♪

♪ I wonder why you're never low ♪

♪ Mothers weep ♪

♪ Mamas weep ♪

♪ Men made of steel ♪

♪ Men made of steel ♪

♪ My advice ♪

♪ My advice ♪

♪ You're only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Are you ♪

♪ Money come ♪

♪ Money come ♪

♪ Money go ♪

♪ Money go ♪

♪ Time will tell ♪

♪ Time will tell ♪

♪ That kicks me out, ya know ♪

♪ Baby cry ♪

♪ Government conceal ♪

♪ Government conceal ♪

♪ My advice ♪

♪ My advice ♪

♪ You're only what ya feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey yo, hey ♪

♪ Well all right ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Mama laugh ♪

♪ Mama laugh ♪

♪ Less is more ♪

♪ Less is more ♪

♪ Chance of love ♪

♪ Chance of love ♪

♪ Chance she's walkin' out the door ♪

♪ Sexy woman ♪

♪ Sexy woman ♪
(horns honking)

♪ That I feel ♪

♪ That I feel ♪

♪ What's left to do ♪

♪ What's left to do ♪

♪ You're only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ More or less ♪

♪ More or less ♪

♪ Less is more ♪

♪ Less is more ♪

♪ Chance of love ♪

♪ Chance of love ♪

♪ Chance she's walkin' out the door ♪

♪ Sexy woman ♪

♪ Sexy woman ♪

♪ Black high heels ♪

♪ Black high heels ♪

♪ What's left to do ♪

♪ What's left to do ♪

♪ You're only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪
(Mort howls)

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ Only what you feel ♪

♪ On and on and on and on and on ♪

(phone ringing)

- That stuff might fly in the barrio,

(speaking in foreign language).

It's not gonna hold water with me.

Don't interrupt me when I'm
telling you you're nothing.

You are on the thinnest of
possible ices, my friend.

He what?

All right, you tell Mr. Bono,
Houston, to cool his jets

or he and The Edge are
nowhere near my house

for Passover this year, ya got me?

You can quote me on that.

P.S. you are still the nobody!

(phone receiver bangs)

- So what do you think, Mort?

- (chuckles) What do I think?

I'll tell ya what I think.

You want a beverage?

You want a flavored water?

We got vanilla cream,
boison-strawberry, kiwi.

- Um, plain is great.

- Plain is good.

And I can do plain.


Where's the plain water?

Can not get good help these days.

But I've got it.

Where are you from?

- Nowhere really.

My parents were archaeologists,
Roman history buffs.

- What is your name?

- Julius Caesar.

(Mort laughs)


- Magruder.

What is that?

That's Greek, uh, German, Spanish?

- Irish.

- Irish, oh.

Isn't that the best?

What, north or south?

I'm kidding, that's touchy, that's touchy.

Julius, can I call you Julius?

- Sure.

- Magruder, Magruder, Magruder, Magruder!

I can't believe what I'm seeing here.

- What are ya seein', Mort?

- You.

Do you have any idea what it's like

to sit in this chair day
after day, night after night,

morning after morning trying desperately

to be a creative catalyst in a town

brimming with neurotic no talent nitwits!

(exhales) And then you

come in here with that music

and that


What color is that, baby?

- Mello Yello.

- (chuckles) Exactly.

- Exactly. (chuckles)

(Mort chanting)

- Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

- I feel like I'm feelin' it, Mort.

- You sensing what I'm sensing?

- I'm getting a sense.

- I am seeing things.

I'm gonna tell ya what I'm seeing.

I'm seeing nine things.


One, this is big.

Two, I'm excited.

Three, five to seven record deal

with points across the board.

Four, live theater, TV,
movies, mall appearances.

Five, more mall appearances.

Six through eight, gargantuan!


(Julius laughs)

- This is, any cash advance, Mort?

(Mort barks)

- I'm thinking of a number.

I'm writing it down on
this piece of paper.

Handing you the piece of paper now.

- Wow.


Mort, this is great.

This is really great.

Now what about number nine, nine?

(Mort laughs)

- All right, we'll bump it to nine.

- No, no, no, number nine.

You said you were seeing nine things.

Nine, the number nine, nine?

- Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine.

What was number nine?

- Was it a world tour?

- No.

- [Julius] A cover shoot with Helmet.

- Nope.

- Free trip on a company plane?

- No.

- Total creative freedom?

- No!

- A box at the Forum?

(Mort laughs)

A couple of Harleys.
- Unh-unh.

- A mansion.
- Unh-unh.

- Clean up the office!

- That's it.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Mort, Mort, Mort, Mort, Mort, Mort.


What's it, what's it?

- (clears throat) This isn't my office

and I gotta get outta
here 'cause this shmuck

always gets back at 2:15 from lunch.

(playful music)

- So wait, this isn't Mort's office?

You're not Mort?

Where's Mort?

- My office? Hell no.

I'm in the mail room.

Catch ya later.

Great song, baby.

- [Julius] How much do we have now, Wlad?

- $83.67.

- Well that's great, but it's a long way

from a hundred grand.

(Chaos barks)
(door clatters)

(mailman screams)
- Up, mail's here.

(Chaos growling)

(mailman whimpering)

- Chaos, oh Chaos, come on.

- Make him stop.
- Get up.

- [Mailman] Help, help me.

- Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry about that.

- [Mailman] Get him off me!

- Come on, come on.

We haven't seen you in a while.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Are you a coal miner now, or a...

- I quit my job and went to work

for the water department because of you.

I wanted to be underground
where it's safe.

First day back, they send me here.

- Well what's wrong with our water?

- Oh, you got a little
problem with the sewage

in the neighborhood and it's
right under your front lawn.

Tomorrow I come back and dig up your yard.

- That is a drag.

I'm sorry about that, I'm really sorry

about the dog.
- Well do somethin' about it!

- I gotta go to work.

- Well sedate him, take him with ya.

I don't care what, but if he's here

when I come back tomorrow,

(Chaos barks)
I turn him

into Korean barbecue, and
that's number one with a bullet.

- Okay, thank you very much.

And by the way that's the last time

I eat Korean food, thank you very much.

(speaking in foreign language)

He's not Russian.

He's not Russian, Wlad.

He's not Russian.
- Not Russian.

- He thinks in English,

come on, let's go.
(speaking in foreign language)

(computer keys clicking)

- Don't work so hard.

(suspenseful music)

- Big Pink?

(keyboard keys clicking)

(computer beeps)

- [Computer] Classified document.

- Remora.

(keyboard keys clicking)

(computer beeps)

- [Computer] Access denied.

- Buffer, what's up?

Listen, I got the night off.

Yeah, I wanna see you.

- [Buffer] Not tonight, Julius.

- What do you mean not tonight?

- Because I have a private
lesson with my squash pro.

What is so important?

You know, all right, fine.

You can come over after my lesson.

But be here at 10 and don't be late

because I'll be very tired after my lesson

and I wanna go to bed early.

I know ya do.



(sultry music)

Tell me, Steve, how are
my strokes coming along?

No, no, no, no!

Not the big toe, the pinky.

- Ooh.

- What do you mean he thinks
he's gonna win the bet?

I thought you told me he
blew all his money on,

what was it, memo paper?

- Demo tapes.
- Whatever.


(gun fires)
(cat yowls)

- He thinks he's gonna
get some big advance

from some record company.

Told me so himself.

He thinks I'm his friend.

It would almost be cute if
it weren't so sickening.

- Well, you're not gonna
let that happen, are ya?

- I wouldn't worry about it, sir.

- Well I am worried about him!

You gotta keep you eye on him.

- Hey, what am I supposed to do,

follow him around and make
sure he doesn't make any money?

You are the one who made the
bet with him, sir, not me.

- Well you are the one
who had the bright idea

of making him plant manager.

If he was still on the
floor getting the crap

kicked out of him this
never woulda happened.

- Look, we put him in the manager's--

- What?

- We put in the manager's
office so that no one

would get any wiser about
Big Pink and it's worked.

The peace conference is scheduled

for next week and we'll be ready.

- God I'll be glad when
this is all over and we can

go back to just being
manufacturers of mass death.


(gun fires)
(glass breaking)

- You know what's ironic,
Julius has actually

turned out to be a
fairly effective manager.

Better than that fart Dewitt.

Profits are up and he
has cut expenses by 10%.

- Oh, who cares?

The place is a write off.

I'm more concerned about my daughter.

- When was the last time you
saw him around here, sir?

Buffer's practically forgotten about him.

And if you lose the bet, so what?

All you were betting was that he could

continue seeing her, not that she had to.

- She can always change her mind.

- Relax, sir.

Everything is going according to plan.

Trust me.

- [Mr. Bidwell] Pull, pull!

(gun fires)

- Buffer, words can't express
how I feel about you tonight,

so I've written this here little song.

♪ Buffer I know ya don't like to say it ♪

♪ Buffer you love me,
your eyes betray it ♪

♪ I'm gonna win that bet with your dad ♪

♪ And when I do you're gonna be so glad ♪

♪ So Buffer please don't have a Harry ♪

♪ I'm beggin' ya now, let's get married ♪

♪ Oh Buffer, it's you
and me together, ooh ♪

(Chaos howling)

All right, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just ask her.

(ring box clicks)

(somber music)

(motorcycle engine rumbling)

(suspenseful music)





- What's the meaning of this?

- [Julius] Mr. Bidwell.

I didn't hear ya come in, sir.

Have you seen Buffer?

- Well, she's certainly not here.

What in God's name do
you think you're doing?

- Um, just using your computer.

- Just invading my privacy and
spying on my private files.

Probably trying to figure out

how you can dig your greedy
little claws into my money.

- No, no, no, it's nothing like that, sir.

It's nothing like that.

There's this file I saw at the office.

I couldn't figure it out.

It's called Big Pink.

- A likely story, numbnuts,
now get outta my house.

- Mr. Bidwell,

I'm seeing Buffer.

- I don't care if you're seeing Elvis.

Get the hell out!

He knows.

Yeah, I want it all outta there.

Make the arrangements.

Tomorrow at the latest.

And take care of numbnuts, bet or no bet.

He's dangerous to me alive.

Better yet, do the whole factory.

I've always hated that place.

- [Protestors] Save our Earth.

Save this place.

Close down Bidwell, don't erase

- Hey, scab!

- [Protestors] Scab, scab!

(protestors shouting)

(upbeat music)

(gun cocks)

(suspenseful music)

- Hi, buddy.

Hey wait a minute, do you work here?


Come back here!

- Julius.

- Larry.

Larry, I was just wondering,

what goes on in the research lab?

And how come I don't have a key?

- Lab, you mean that room back there?

Oh, it's storage, packing
materials, tape mostly.

- But I thought it was research.

- (chuckles) Research,
don't be ridiculous.

We make erasers, Julius.

What sort of research would we do?

Formula hasn't changed in 60 years.

- Yeah, but we've been getting
a lot of strange deliveries

of compounds, nitrates, glycerines.

What does that stuff
have to do with erasers?

- (chuckles) That's just our idea

of a little inside joke, Julius.

I wouldn't worry about it.

- Larry,

what's Big Pink?

- (chuckles) Julius, you're a genius.

You are a genius.

- I am?

- Ya know, I'm a little
embarrassed to admit this,

but when we first hired you for this job,

we were a little skeptical
of whether or not

you were executive
material, so we designed

a little test for you, and I'm glad to say

that you've passed with flying colors.

You follow?

(suspenseful music)

- No.

Larry, what's Big Pink?

- Big Pink is nothing.

It's a dummy file.

We purposely put it into the computer

knowing that if you found
it, you mastered your job.


- Oh, okay.

- And since you've proven yourself

to be such an ideal employee,
I'm giving you a reward.

- Get out.

- No, I'm serious.

I'm giving ya a big bonus, buddy.

But it'll be our little secret, okay?

I think it'll help you
out in your little wager.

- For real?
- Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I'd love
to give it to ya tonight,

but, God, I'm really pressed for time.

Bidwell's asked for a full variance report

on this year's production budget and,

well maybe you could, no.

- No, no, I could do it.

It would just take a couple hours.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- God, that would be great.

It'd give me enough time to get the check

and bring it to your
office tonight, perfect.



Hey, congratulations.

Keep up the good work.

- Sure.

- Hate that I left a good
job a the post office,

wasted my college education.

That's four years of
college wasted, wasted.

Maybe I shoulda been an actor.

Yeah, I could dig that. (laughs)

I can dig it. (laughs)

Yeah, I can dig that.

I'm so stupid.

Job at the post office, but no,

I couldn't keep that job.

Aw, geez.


I quit.

I quit.


(Chaos grumbling)

(suspenseful music)

(computer beeps)

(computer beeps)

- Okay, think pink.

(keyboard keys tapping)

(computer beeps)

- [Computer] Classified document.

- Damn.


(keyboard keys tapping)

(computer beeps)

- [Computer] Classified document.

- Damn.

(phone ringing)

(suspenseful music)

- Everything set for tonight?


I'll be glad to be rid of
the foul smelling dump.

Now are you sure numbnuts'll
be there when it goes?

A bonus.

He's a greedy little grubber.


(knuckles tapping)

(playful music)

- Julius.

- Are you leaving?

- Yes.

Don't stay too late.

(playful music)

- [Annie] I can't believe this.

He's blowing us off!

- You want Twinkies?

- No thanks, Wlad.

(somber electric guitar music)

God, I can't stand this anymore!

I'm moving out.

- What about deal?

- The deal, what deal?

There's no deal.

We shopped the record everywhere.

The only thing Julius is interested in

is his loins, not this band.

Stay if ya want, I'm outta here.

- Wlad go with Annie.

(dramatic music)

- Oh man, I'm dead.

(phone ringing)



It's me.

(phone receiver bangs)


(phone ringing)

- I'm not getting it.

- Yes, Julius.

- Hey Wlad, it's me.

Listen, I got tied up late at the factory.

Yeah, I think I'm on to somethin'.

What's that?

- Me and Annie go.

- Oh yeah, go.

You and Annie go.

I'll catch up with you later.

I'm working on this thing here.

I'm trying to get into this file

but it's password protected.

Any ideas?

Back doors?

- Listen, Julius, listen.

Must inside, inside mind of person.

No thinking, see?

No thinking, inside.

- Inside mind of person.

(suspenseful music)

Mind of person.

Oh yeah, I get it.

I got it.

Okay, I gotcha, I'll talk to you later.

You guys have fun.

Okay bye.

(ominous music)

(Larry whistling)

(Larry exhales)

- A stormy night, an unguarded factory.

A potentially explosive situation.

- Get inside his head.

Whose head?



What do I know about Bidwell's mind?




Hates me.


(suspenseful music)

(ominous music)

Hates me, hates me, hates me.

Get inside Bidwell's head.

- [Mr. Bidwell] Numbnuts.

- I got it, numbnuts.

(keyboard keys tapping)

(computer beeps)

(suspenseful music)

- Annie, it's not nice.

Let's not do it.

- Don't worry, it'll be okay.

Come on.

- It's not right.

- Somebody's gotta teach Julius a lesson.

(shovel scraping)

(ominous music)

Okay, let's get outta here.

Goodbye, Chaos!

(Chaos howls)

(ominous music)

(timer beeping)

(buttons beeping)

(timer beeping)

- Wow.

I gotta make copies of this.

(suspenseful music)

(buttons beeping)

(buttons beeping)

(timer beeping)

(Larry whistling)

(suspenseful music)

(timer beeping)

- Vegas, Monte Carlo, Argentina.

Oh, I'm gonna miss ya,
Julius, I really will.

(timer beeping)

- Larry, I didn't even know you were here.

Are ya okay?

Larry, you're never gonna believe

what I discovered about Big Pink.

Do ya have any idea what Bidwell's up to?

Larry, we've gotta blow
the lid on this guy.

- You are absolutely right.

I just found out the very
same information today.

That's why I came to the office.

As a matter of fact, I gotta go.

- Hey, wait a minute!

What about Big Pink?

(suspenseful music)

(timer beeping)

What about my bonus?

- God, Julius, you'll get your bonus.

Meet me in my office right away.

I think I left my car lights on.

- What about your hat?

(timer beeping)

(Mr. Bidwell laughing)

(timer beeping)

(explosion booms)

So ya lied to me, huh, Larry?

Ya lied about Big Pink.

Here's your hat.

(siren blaring)

- [Larry] I don't know
what you're talking about.

- So you don't know
what I'm talking about?

- Yeah you--
- Hey, arrest this lunatic!

He just blew up the whole eraser plant.

- [Julius] No, he's crazy, he's lying!

- Somebody do something

for Christ's sake.
- He's lying!

- Lying!
- Cuff him, Red.

- This maniac just blew the whole factory.

- You have the right
to remain silent, punk.

- Go on, get him in the car!

- Come on.

- What are you waiting
for, you inbred moron.

- You're a liar.

- Okay.
- You're a liar.

- [Larry] Lying.

- [Officer] Go on, boy.

- [Larry] I don't know
what he's talking about.

- You're lying, Larry.
- You try to help someone,

this is what happens.
- You're a liar.

- Yeah, you're a liar.
- Liar, uh-huh.

See ya in the joint.

(suspenseful music)

(inmate humming)

(sultry R&B music)

(toilet flushes)

- Somebody, please.

This is all a big mistake.

I am not supposed to be here.

Anybody got a quarter?

Hey big man, ya got a quarter?

(inmate grunts)

Hey big man, what's your name?

- Jaime.

Jaime, Jaime, this is not fair.

We have rights.

Jaime, Jaime.



- [Inmates] Attica!






(men laughing)

- Hello, Buffer.

- What do you want?

- I just wanted to say how sorry I am

that things didn't work out with Julius.

I, too, was taken in by
his very artful canard.

- So?

- Well, I was thinking

perhaps we could have dinner together?

Get our minds off this cool
blow that's been dealt to us.

(sultry music)

(knee thuds)
(Larry grunts)

- Eat that.

(inmates chattering)

(sultry R&B music)

- You blew up the Bidwell factory?

- Forget about the factory,
that's small potatoes.

Back in '63, Dallas, grassy knoll?

(mimics gun firing)

- You killed Kennedy? (chuckles)

- Hey look, first of all
the guys in the company

don't use words like kill, okay junior?

Terminate with extreme prejudice. (hisses)

- Was it the mob?

- Forget about it, CIA.

- "Forget about it, CIA."

What do you know, huh?

- What?

Why couldn't it have
just been Oswald, huh?

- Oswald's a stooge.

- [Prisoner] Then who?

- First of all, why would
I tell you guys that, okay?

I'd be dead like that.

- He's got a point.

- These guys can and
will get you anywhere.

- I think so.

- Thinks he's right, he thinks he's right.

- '63!


You weren't even born then.

- '63?

Let me just tell you
somethin', my Nubian brother.

It was '63 that Malcolm
and me flew to Mecca.

And there wasn't no first
class back then neither.

We flew coach!

Wasn't no free peanuts,
chicken, or sundaes. (hisses)

- Hm, so you were with the Fruit of Islam?

- Fruit?

Who you callin' a fruit?

Ain't no fruit in my diet.

- Yeah, who you callin' fruit?

With that big facecloth wrapped
around your 400 pound ass.

- I aint' talkin' to you, slim.

- Yeah, you ain't talkin' to me?

You waffle and fried
chicken eatin' baboon.

- Are you guys gonna talk
the talk or walk the walk?

- Yeah, are we gonna box or throw rocks?

- Well bring it on, Kong.

I'm ready to throw down
any time you want, man.

(inmate squealing)
(Jaime growling)

- I'm gon' beat ya like
you stole my cookie.

I'm gon' tear ya up.

I'm gon' beat ya like ya owe me money.

I'm gonna kill you! (screams)

- [Officer] Magruder, made
bail, ya have a visitor.

- I do?

Excuse me.
(Jaime screaming)

Excuse me, please.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

(Jaime screaming)

(siren blaring)

(soft orchestral music)

- Chaos!

You bailed me out?

- Yeah.

- I thought you left.

- I knew you weren't guilty.

You are a jerk, but
you're not a terrorist.

- I guess I lost that bet, huh?

- You're in a lot of trouble.

- No duh.

- What happened?

- It was Remora and Bidwell.

I've got proof but no one
in there will listen to me.

God, poor Buffer.

Her dad's a hood.

It's gonna break her heart.

(crowd chattering)

- [Man] I can't believe it.

- [Man] That thing's
gonna be worth a fortune.

(crowd chattering)

- Wow!
- That's a Venus, isn't it?

- [Man] Oh man.

- Excuse me there, sorry.

- Who was the discoverer?
- Sir?

- [Man] Come back here.

- [Dr. Fleckenstein]
Are you Julius Magruder?

- Yeah, who's asking?

- I'm Dr. Fleckenstein from
the Bureau of Antiquities.

- Look, whatever it is,
I didn't do it, okay?

- Of course not. (chuckles)

It's a miracle.

I just verified you're
going to be a very rich man.

(crowd chattering)

- What?

- [Man] Where did that come from?

- While excavating your
property to lay the new sewer

we made one of the archeological
discoveries of the century.

- Venus?

- It's not just a Venus,
it's a complete Venus

from the fall of the Roman Empire.

None were thought to exist.

How it got on your
property I'll never know.

It's worth millions.

(crowd chattering)

- (laughs) Are you serious?

All right.

- Julius, Julius! (laughs)


Come over here, son.

Ha ha!

Come over here, buddy. (kiss smacking)

- Mr. Bidwell, let me tell you somethin',

I know everything that's
going on about that factory

and you and this guy are goin' down.

- I didn't do anything, it was Remora.

- What?

- Officers, arrest this man.

- Big Pink was your idea.

I had nothin' to do with it.
- Big Pink?

What's Big Pink?

- Your plan to disrupt

the world peace conference with exploding

pencil erasers?
- Police brutality,

police brutality.

- Can we be civilized?

- Lies, all lies.

- [Annie] Jerk.

(knee thuds)
(Mr. Bidwell grunts)

(crowd chattering)

- You figured that out?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Oh shut up.

- Yeah.
- Oh shut up.

I'm not talking to you.

- Daddy!

Daddy, what should I do?

- [Woman] I think it's gonna be fine.

(siren blaring)

- Daddy!

Julius, I can not believe
everything that's happened.

I think I owe you an apology.

I am so sorry that I doubted you.

- It's okay, I mean,
under the circumstances

I might have done the same thing.

- Ya know, with this statue
business and everything,

you're gonna be a millionaire.

Ya know what?

- What?

- You win the bet.

I'm yours.

(crowd chattering)

- You are?

- (chuckles) You know I am.

I love you.

(soft suspenseful music)

- You know what?

- What?

- I know ya do.

- What?

- I'm sorry, Buffer, but

I gotta go.

(upbeat music)

- Julius.

God, get out of my way.

(crowd chattering)

- [Reporter] Do you think the value of it

will be lost because of the flood?

(crowd chattering)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Do you believe this?

Ya know I lost my guitar at the factory.

- Yeah, I know.

♪ Dance for you ♪

♪ Will ya dance for me ♪

- I was kinda hopin' you'd
help me pick out new one.

♪ You and me ♪

- Well why don't ya ask your girlfriend?

♪ There ain't nothin'
that we couldn't be ♪

♪ If I dance for you ♪

- I thought I was.

(Annie chuckles)

♪ She was lookin' like a jewel ♪

♪ And I told my baby why can't I ♪

♪ Just get next to you ♪

♪ I wanna sing for you, sing for you ♪

♪ Baby, can I sing for you ♪

♪ Tell me what you're gonna do ♪

♪ She was lookin' like a Gemini ♪

♪ Tell me, baby, why can't
I just get next to you ♪

- [Julius] I didn't become a millionaire.

I couldn't bear to sell
Venus, but I got a new guitar

and the band kept practicing.

(Annie squeals)

Guess what?

We got that recording contract after all.

- Julius.


It's me, Jerry.

Guess what, baby?

I made it.

- Made what?

- I'm an agent. (laughs)

♪ There ain't nothin'
that we couldn't be ♪

- You and the statue in my office.

It's a lease, baby.

It's the least I can do!

It's the least I can do.

I'm an agent!

I'm an agent!

♪ What ya gonna do ♪

♪ She was lookin' like a Gemini ♪

- [Julius] Look for us, Hail Caesar.

Coming to your town soon.

♪ Tell me what you're gonna do ♪

♪ If I ran for you ♪

♪ Will ya dance for me ♪

♪ Me and you, you and me ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
that we couldn't be ♪

- Thank you, people, thank you very much.

We're really happy to be here.

(crowd cheering)

This means a lot to us and we're glad

you came out tonight.

This next song Herbie
and I wrote together.

It's called Love Is.

(crowd chattering)

(everyone snapping rhythmically)

♪ People livin' ♪

♪ People be down on their luck ♪

♪ But I don't know where
they're comin' from ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love is patience ♪

♪ Love is understanding ♪

♪ Love is never selfish, hell no ♪

♪ Love is never demanding ♪

♪ Love is your woman ♪

♪ Love is a little child ♪

♪ Love is a real man, baby ♪

♪ Love can be so wild ♪

♪ Love is all color ♪

♪ Love is a launch into space ♪

♪ Love is never out of season ♪

♪ Love is not a race ♪

♪ It's more than you know ♪

♪ More than I know ♪

♪ More than you know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ I said it's more than you know ♪

♪ It's more than we know ♪

♪ It's more than I know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ Love is music ♪

♪ Love is the way you move ♪

♪ Love is Instamatic poppin' ♪

♪ Love is gonna make you groove ♪

♪ Love is the answer and love is peace ♪

♪ And love is the power, baby ♪

♪ Love is the release ♪

♪ It's more than you know ♪

♪ It's more than we know ♪

♪ It's more than I know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ I said it's more than you know ♪

♪ It's more than we know ♪

♪ It's more than I know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ Bada wa wa ♪

♪ Bada wa ♪

♪ Bada wa wa wa wa wa wa ♪

♪ Bada wa wa ♪

♪ Bada wa wa ♪

♪ Bada wa, bada wa, bada wa ♪

♪ Dig ♪

♪ Love is not a weapon ♪

♪ Love is to please ♪

♪ And love is total affection ♪

♪ And love is not a tease ♪

♪ And love is in you ♪

♪ Love is in me ♪

♪ And love is on time ♪

♪ And love should be free ♪

♪ It's more than you know ♪

♪ It's more than we know ♪

♪ It's more than I know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ It's more than you know ♪

♪ More than we know ♪

♪ More than I know ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ Oh bum bum bum (scatting) ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Bada bum to the rhythm
oh oh (scatting) ♪

(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)