Hacks (1997) - full transcript

Brian is a television writer-producer who has to script a 22-episode anthology, but lacks inspiration. He witnesses a strange romantic encounter between two figures on the balcony of hotel ...

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Man: Ira, please, don't

get started on Brian.

How long have

we been playing

poker at his house?

I don't know. 2 years?

2 years.

In 2 years, how many

times did he tell US

we're on

his next show?

Well, he never actually

said that we were--

he has implied it

and hinted at it

many times.

Well, we don't know that

he's not gonna hire US.

Would Ernie, our agent,

be avoiding US

if Brian, our scumbag,

had shown any interest

in hiring US?

Maybe he doesn't want

to put anybody on his staff.

Maybe he's just gonna hand out

freelance assignments

don't be

so desperate.

Ira, we haven't

worked in 8 months...

And I have a wife.

All right, i--

don't say it.

Woman: Are you on your way

to your card game?

Man:

Yeah, what's up?

Brian's show

was picked up.

I want to finish

my book!

Do the show

for one season,

and you can finish

your book during hiatus.

Do you have anything left

from the advance?

No.

You're the only one

who knows about this.

Just let Brian know

that you're ready to work

and call me

in the morning.

Man: Have you ever worked

with Brian before?

No, I never worked with him.

I know he was

a really big fan

of monkey's up.

Don't bring that up.

Why?

When you

bring up a show

that lasted 8 episodes

2 seasons ago

it's like

holding up a sign

that says,

"will write for food."

Gotcha.

Good.

Now get in there

and suck Brian's dick.

I am all over it.

No, no, Brian,

I'm not allowing you

to do this to me.

I thought I was ready

to come back.

You are ready, man!

I got you 22 on the air!

They want a fuckin'

anthology show, man.

Every week

a new fuckin' deal.

22 times.

And I don't even know

what it's about.

More suspenseful

than eerie,

but a little eerie...

With an edge.

Everything's

got an edge.

And funny, but dark.

How dark depends on

whether we get

Sunday at 7:00

or Thursday at 10:00.

And it's gotta have

this look.

Something about...

Digitals and pixels

and drop frames.

And we'll get those

chanting Bulgarian monks

to do the theme.

Monks with an edge.

Is that what

those idiots told you?

That's what

I told them.

Then what's the deal?!

What's the problem, Brian?

I sat on that couch,

and I tried to listen

to my own voice.

I was speaking

in tongues.

Who gives a shit what

you were speaking in, Brian?!

You got 22 shows on the air.

And I know Melinda.

Once a deal is made,

the rest is cake.

Cake?!

Cake?!

22 episodes is cake?!

Brian, you just gotta

get a taste for it, ok?

Listen, you're

a little rusty.

Come on, bri!

You're the man!

Remember when

you used to go out

in the desert for 3 days

and come back with

2 shooting scripts?

Yeah, but I didn't

come back with

the eightball of blow.

Well, if that's

the only problem.

Coke?

Are you out of

your fucking mind?!

Forget it! Forget it!

Bad idea! You're right!

All right.

Let's take this

one step at a time.

All they need by Friday

are story outlines

for the first 6 shows.

Nothing?

Nothing!

You've had 30 days, Brian!

Goddamn it,

don't do this to me!

You wanted to start

working again.

You said

the therapy was working--

you're fuckin' centered

or whatever kind of bullshit!

I know you, Brian!

You aren't gonna

like flying coach

and living in fucking

hacienda heights!

2 words for you, Brian:

Potato famine!

You're not gonna like

scouring on your fucking

friends' bathroom

looking for mushrooms to eat!

I know you, buddy!

When you stick

a darning needle up your ass,

you're, like,

at the Van nuys holiday inn!

You ok?

No. That's what i'm

trying to tell you.

I just can't do it.

Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta get

yourself cleaned up,

play your poker game,

and I'll call you

in the morning.

And if you still

don't want to do it,

I'll call Melinda.

Will you get the door?

Man: First day's bets.

Yeah, I'm in.

I call.

I feel lucky.

That's right.

Here they come.

King to the 3...

10, ace...

Queen for the actor...

Jack. Looking low.

Looking very low.

Ace, 10.

5.

I'm in it.

Chasing.

I call.

I'm out.

You're--you're

folding an ace, too?

Brian always

beats me low.

You had him beat

on the table, dummy.

I had a queen underneath.

Well, thanks

a fucking lot, Benny.

Jesus Christ, Benny,

they're dealt facedown

for a reason.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

How about a choco-ccino?

I don't think so.

It always makes me

phlegmy.

Ira: Is everything

all right?

He never offered me

a choco-ccino.

Can we get a new game

going here?

Yeah, let's go.

Thanks, Benny.

I'm gonna deal again.

It's like a do-over.

This time from

the top of the deck.

Well, you can't ask

for everything.

You in, Benny?

Deal me in.

I'm in. I'm in.

All right,

let's ante up, boys.

Ira: Are we gonna play

the whole game this time?

Get your head

in the game

this time, Benny.

For Christ's sake.

Benny: Take it easy.

We're not in high school

anymore. Let's go.

Turn yours over,

will ya?

10 over here.

We got a 3 and a 5.

Brian wins again.

Neal: Got me again.

Brian's too good

tonight.

Benny:

It's the bank of Brian.

What have you

lost, 500?

You are hot.Benny: You're

unbelievable.

Brian, i--

you're killing me.

You are fucking

killing me.

Choco-ccino?

May I have

my balls back?

I'm a loser,

you're a winner.

That's a nice shirt, Brian.

Where did you get it?

All right. I give.

I give. I surrender.

I'm italying here.

I'm giving up.

I got bupkis.

Bupkis.

It's yours.

Have you lost

weight?

Brian, you are hotter

than honeymoon dick.

Cigar?

No, have one of mine.

You want me

to get the door?

No, I'll get it.

Deal me out

this hand.

Benny: Hank's deal.

Hank:

Just hang on a second.

Benny,

I think you've got

something on your nose here.

What?

I'd assume it was something

Brian ate 2 or 3 days ago.

Hey, I noticed

you dumping hands

to him, too.

What the fuck

is going on?

Yeah. Are you guys

looking for jobs

or something?

Yeah. What's

with you, Hank?

I didn't know

you were such

a kiss-ass?

I'm not, I got

shit cards,

all right?

Wait a minute.

Is Brian going back to work?

Typical fucking actor.

Me. Me. Me.

Why don't you suck my ass,

writer boy?

Hey!not you, ira.

Somebody write

that up for you?

Somebody script that?

No, no. No one has

to write that up for me.

No, I'm a professional

fuckin' actor.

I can improvise.

You're

improvising?

Yes!

That explains

my boredom.

Will you assholes

knock it the hell off?

Jesus fuckin' Christ!

I get one night a week

to relax and have

a little camaraderie.

Man: Hey, you!

Hey, you!

Up there!

Yes, you!

Down here!

Yeah, you!

Champagne,

you have

betrayed me!

Aah!

Come here,

shithead!

Second man:

Fuck you!

Stay.

Woman: Help me

get rid of him.

Ouch!

Bet to the half.

Hundred bucks.

Brian,

you all right?

Hey, you!

I thought I heard

the Marlboro man

talking to me,

but it was over

at the hotel.

A woman and a man

are standing on

the balcony.

The lights

in the tower

flash 4 times

at perfect intervals

like

Paul fuckin' revere.

I hear a woman scream

up in the tower.

The man on the balcony

points up and says--

"champagne,

you have betrayed me!"

Betrayed me?

Did you say,

"champagne"?

Is anyone gonna bet?

The man reappears

at the other end

of the hotel

on the fire escape.

The woman says to him,

"stay and help me

get rid of him."

The guy kisses her

and takes off

down the escape.

Are you sure this

was the same guy

and the same woman

as the ones on

the balcony?

What do you mean?

How well

could you see them?

Hello?!

Do something.

Bet or fold!

Hundred bucks.

Hundred bucks

to ira.

I'm out.

Neal: I'm in.

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

What?

It's a test.

What are you

talking about?

Brian...

He wants to see

which one of US

can break the story.

He's playing with US.

Just like,

James coburn did

in the last of Sheila.

For Christ's sake--

I'm telling you...

Hank and Neal are going

to cut our throats

if we cock around.

Now we can

do this if you'll

just get into it.

Stop winning.

Ok, maybe--maybe

it's, just

your run-of-the-mill

sex-for-hire thing,

right?

Hooker's

in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

She witnesses

a political

assassination.

Wasn't that

your equalizerepisode?

You know, maybe

the hooker's in on this

with the guy in the tower.

A variation of the panel game

or the badger racket.

Maybe you ought to stick

to selling enema bags.

Medical supplies.

Why does she have

to be a hooker?

I don't know, Benny,

maybe her parents

didn't love her enough.

Seriously,

did it ever occur

to you guys

that

a good-looking woman

in a hotel room

could be anything

but a hooker?

All: No.

Ok, Benny,

she's not a hooker.

Who is she?

Somebody's wife.

That

is exciting.

All right...

Cold opening:

A Jewel thief comes

into a hotel room, right?

And, there's

a husband and wife in bed.

They're asleep.

The wife looks up.

She sees the thief.

Instead of waking up

her husband,

she takes the Jewel thief

out on to the fire escape

and says,

"we can get rid of him."

"Him" being the husband

who's asleep in the bed.

Then how does that

explain the balcony?

Or the tower?

How much of this

are you married to?

That's it.

I'm going to bell.

This is fucking bullshit.

You know, I get one night

a week to play poker

and have a little

camaraderie,

and you assholes

fuck it up.

Are you coming?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Hey, why don't we

go to the bike and play

with the Vietnamese?

It's a good idea.

I don't understand

they say either,

but at least they

fucking play poker.

Thank you for

a lovely evening, gentlemen.

Goddamn writers.

Benny:

Who put a nickel in him?

Benny: Brian's right.

Who uses the line

"champagne, you have

betrayed me"?

Either an older man

or an academic

or an intellectual,

not some guy

running around

the chateau marmont

killing and/or robbing,

kissing some babe,

and then fleeing down

the fire escape.

Or...

Or what?

Or...

What other kind

of guy

uses the word

"betrayed"?

A foreigner.

A foreigner.

I gotta take a leak.

Who told you?

Our agent's assistant.

Who told you?

Your agent.

Yeah, he's been

trying to sign me.

I thought

you should know.

Thank you.

Anybody know what

the show's about?

It's an anthology.

You think he's all right?

What the fuck you mean

he's been trying to sign you?

Hey, don't

get mad at me.

How do you like it

over there anyway?

It's great.

Sign with him.

Seriously, you think

Brian's all right?

In what way?

Well, if we weren't

in show business,

this sort of obsessional

self-absorption

would be aberrational.

What's your point?

My point is we all know

what happened to Brian

2 seasons ago.

You've never been

tense at deadline?

Yes, but they never had

to send me home with

a psychiatric nurse.

Everybody works

differently.

You think he really saw

what he says he saw?

Sure.

I don't know,

maybe.

Well, the normal

first reaction

to possible

seeing a murder

is not to break it down

into 4 acts.

I think he's

fuckin' with US.

Either way, it's

a little psychotic,

don't you think?

Well, maybe

we should all

just go home,

take our meetings

with Brian

separately,

and let the chips

fall where they may.

Works for me.

I'm exhausted.

Agreed.

We all go home

and let Brian pull

himself together.

It's settled

then.

Anybody wanna

go get a drink?

Hank: What about this:

A crystal-meth lab

run by a couple

of disgruntled pharmacists.

Neal: Yeah.

The kids love the whole

pharmacist genre

blow me, Neal,

and I mean that sincerely.

At least about the guy

on the fire escape.

If you don't like

the Jewel thief, fine.

You know,

that was just an area.

Would you come on?

They're spitballing

down there.

I'll tell you

one thing right now,

I'm not walking back up.

I'm not getting a heart attack

for this guy.

Now what?

We have to talk.

Because we're not

practically in.

He's just hard up

for an idea.

God.

Benny, he's pumping US,

trying to get US

to work for nothing.

Ira, we've been working

for nothing for 8 months

in your living room.

Yeah, but in my living room,

I don't have to elbow out

a couple of desperate hacks

for the privilege.

Ira, we're a couple

of desperate hacks!

Even for you

that's pathetic.

You want to know what

would be a lot less pathetic?

A job!

Look, I've gotta have this.

I got a wife,

I'm leasing to buy,

and I'm going after this,

with you or without you.

What did you just say?

I said if you don't

want this,

I'm going after it

by myself

what are you

talking about?

Nobody even knows

if you can write by yourself.

I got a spec.

What spec?

I did a sample

murder, she wrote.

I finished it

last week.

You scumbag.

Look,

it's something that

I did in my spare time.

You scumbag liar!

You weren't even

talking to me!

What was

I supposed to do?

Don't try

and justify this!

Ok, ok, ok, ok. Listen,

I'm sorry about

what I said.

I don't want to do this

without you.

Then what the hell

are you doing writing

a spec behind my back?

And murder, she wrote?

Jesus chr--

isn't that off the air?

They're doing 3

2-hour reunion specials.

This is her idea, yes?

She was supportive,

yeah.

Yeah, as in "I can't

blow a man who doesn't

stand up for himself."

That's not why

she doesn't blow me!

Where are you going?

To get a job!

Now you're

cooking with gas!

But it's

every man for himself,

which means,

you're out.

Murder, she wrote.

Unbelievable!

All right, let me ask

you guys something.

Theoretically--

evening,

Mr. Pettiford.

Haven't seen you

in a while.

Diet coke,

heavy on

the maraschinos?

Remy. Water back.

A labbat-ice for me.

'Cardi, rocks.

Brian: Where's Benny?

He vomited

and went home.

In that case,

I'll have a vodka

and Sauerkraut juice.

Jimmy...

Yes, Mr. P.?

The west-facing suite,

fifth floor.

Do you know who's in there?

No, I don't.

Find out for me,

would you?

I--i really

can't do that.

I--i kind of

have to respect

the guests' privacy.

I'm sorry,

Mr. Pettiford.

I'll, just

go get those drinks.

Putz.

I mean...

Man:

Hey, Philippe...

Something else.

Something...

Big...

Underneath all of this.

Now what are the blinking

fucking lights in the tower?

And I don't want

any TV bullshit.

Perpetual novelty.

Perpetual novelty.

It's one of

the basic ideas

in forming

complexity theory.

I've been reading

this book.

They're these

physicists, biologists,

and economists

working up in some

think tank in Santa fe.

They've been

trying to come up

with models for studying

complex adaptive systems.

You understand? We're

trying to take a situation

that was happening,

that was unfolding

in the moment,

and we're trying

to find a point

of equilibrium

from which we can

find order in it.

Well, these guys

up in Santa fe

go on the idea that in

complex adaptive systems,

order is highly dispersed.

There is no single

vantage point from which

one can discern

the coherence

of the behavior.

In other words,

there is no master

neuron in the brain,

no master cell in

the developing embryo,

so what appears to be

order in a system,

is merely the outcome

of cooperation

and competition

among the agents

in that system.

Who--who put on

the discovery channel?

Anybody here

know French?

Brian: Why?

I'm outside, ok?

I'm by the fire escape,

and there are

these 2 very suspicious

French guys, ok?

And one of them

says to the other, just...

Bear with me, it's...

"He must still have

the desired pastry

with him."

Excuse me.

Mr. P.

You guys

keep working,

I have to go

to the phone.

Hank: Wait! Brian,

are you all right?

Brian?

Neal:

Nice fucking

work, Benny.

Yeah, what'd you do?

Find a French-English

dictionary in the John?

You said every man

for himself.

What's the matter

with you?

We've gotta get

this guy grounded.

Is that what

we're gonna do, Hank?

Look, maybe Brian

saw something,

maybe he didn't,

but he's becoming

completely delusional.

I think we got

to get him home,

and--and--and

call his shrink.

Neal: You're right.

I mean, if Brian

cracks up again,

there might not be

any jobs for any of US.

I'll get right to the point.

I want your story.

Gee, you work fast.

What makes you think

I've got a story?

Everybody's got a story,

it's just that

not everybody can tell it.

How do you know

I can tell it?

I'll tell it.

Doesn't sound like

much fun for me.

There'll be some money

in it for you.

How do you know

who I am?

I live just up the hill

from here.

My bedroom window

looks straight across

at the upstairs terrace.

And?

I saw what went on

up there tonight.

Am I confused or just

out of my league?

Benny: His shrink

was applefield.

Hank: We've gotta call

Dr. Applefield.

Guys, guys, guys, guys. Guys!

Steven Spielberg

up at the--

Steven Spielberg's

up at the desk.

My god,

that's Spielberg.

Ira: That's not

Steven Spielberg.

Shut up. It is.

I'm telling

you it is.

My cousin Gary look

more like Spielberg--

anything I say

is not--

I know Spielberg.

He goes to my temple.

Whatever.

Whatever.

The waiter did tell you

what I do, didn't he?

No.

No wonder you're

being so cagey.

You must have thought

I was a blackmailer

or something awful.

I write and produce

television shows.

No kidding.

I saw what went on

up there tonight.

It started to give me

an idea for a show.

You know,

I think maybe--

you think maybe what?

Can we talk about this

someplace else?

Where?

There's a bar

across the street

that I like.

I'm a little old

for that place.

Please.

Can we just get

out of here?

Let me get my coat.

It's not Spielberg.

I'm telling you

it is.

No, it's not Spielberg.

Are you happy?

Are you shocked

it's not Spielberg?

Hank: Looks like

Ron silver.

Looks like Ron silver?

You're wrong

about that, too.

Where the hell's Brian?

Should I go

look for him?

Why? So you can tell

him that the Latvians

are playing dominoes

in the men's room?

I'll go find him.

I'll go with you.

Hi, Connie.

Good evening, Mr. P.

We could go

up to my place.

Ira: Would you two

knock it off?

Neal: Where the fuck

did he go?

Maybe we ought to

just go home

and call him

in the morning.

Hank: The way

he's been behaving?

With his history?

Listen, he's got

a bagful of pills,

and I happen to know

there's a gun

in the house.

A gun

in the house?

We went shooting

at the range

together once.

When did you go

shooting at the range?

We're going up there.

No, really, when did you

go shooting at the range?

I want to know.Enough with the range.

Maybe we just better

go across the street.

So...

So...

So, what went on

up there?

Can we get a drink

first?

Stoli, rocks.

Aquavit.

Daddy.

Tracy?

No. Carla.

I'll have

an aquavit.

She seemed relieved.

Let's start

at the beginning.

What were the lights

in the tower?

Well, you're

the expert,

but it seems to me

that that part

of the story

won't make any sense

unless you start

at the beginning.

Where at the beginning?

Well, don't you

usually start off

with the main character?

Who she is.

All right, I'll pretend

I'm Eugene O'Neill

for a second.

Where are you from?

New Jersey.

Great. What were

the lights in the tower?

Brian. Brian!

Maybe we should

call the police.

Before we do that,

has anyone checked

to see if the front

door's locked?

Neal...you're

the most athletic.

I'll check upstairs.

I'll come with you.

I'll check

the pool.

Hank: You up here, Brian?Neal: Brian?

Hey, Brian?

I would've sworn he

turned this thing on

when we left.

Benny, what did you do?

Neal: What the fuck?!

Well, what kind

of schmuck burglar's

gonna stand here

and wave his arms?

Neal: Come on, Benny,

move it, move it. Hurry.

Shit!

Man!

This is really great.

Shh. I love this song.

Let's talk.

Ok, shoot.

Aren't you

forgetting something?

What?

Are you the only one

who gets to be

all business

around here?

Yeah, well,

how 'bout this?

If I use

what you tell me

as an "a" story

in an episode,

I'll give you

500 bucks.

And how much

will you get paid

for the story?

Well, it's kind

of complicated.

I have

an overall deal,

and things

like story payments

get charged

against it.

So how much will get

charged against it

for my story?

After all,

it is my story.

It happened to me.

It was a very

upsetting experience.

Are you all right?

Somebody's

a little tense.

I don't know

which one to take.

What exactly

are your symptoms?

Disorientation,

headache,

obsessive thinking.

Do you feel panicked?

Strangely, no.

This one

will knock you out.

This one you have to take

every day for 3 weeks

before you get

any results.

This one--

this one's a hypnotic.

Possible side effects,

happy happy, joy joy.

I highly recommend it.

A woman

with a secret...

And a pharmacology

degree.

Well, one needs to stay up

on these things,

doesn't one?

Or, in this case,

one needs these things

to stay up.

Aren't you gonna

write that down?

Only a real hack

writes down his own

bon mots.

Other side effects include

short-term memory loss.

This is nice.

And you are?

Her partner.

Ex-partner.

What have you given him?

Nothing.

Don't worry,

I'm not a cop

or a reporter

or anything.

I know who you are.

Well, maybe you and I

can talk later.

I don't want to talk to you.

I want to talk to her.

Later.

Now.

Would you excuse me

for a minute?

Get over here.

Get your hands

off me, ok?!

Just relax.Tough guy.

Tryin' to show off

in front of him?

I'm not gonna show off

in front of him.

What do you mean by that?

You're suppose

to play nice in front

of strangers, ok?

You just calm down.

I'm the one goin'--

you mean all over town?

I thought I made it

perfectly clear.

I am through with you.

What do you mean

you're through with me?

Maybe you're through

with me, you're not

through with the stuff,

and that's what

I'm here to protect.

Take a look

in the mirror.

You're a loser,

and I don't want

to have anything

to do with you.

What do you mean

I'm a loser?!

What are you saying?!

You're calling me

a fucking loser?!

I'll tell you what.

You wanna go with him...

I'm not going with him.

We're just talking.

You get your hands

off me!

Don't manhandle--

Fuck!

Ok, I don't give a fuck.

You wanna go

with him?

Just don't take

any of my shit.

You're hurting me.

Let go.

Excuse me.

Family business.

Step off.

Before we

do anything,

I want you to know

that I am represented

by Burt fields.

Have you already

slept with him?

So what?!

Think they accept

credit cards?

Desk sergeant said

that they do.

Come on, guys, please.

Hang around with me,

please?

What do you think's

gonna happen?

You're right next door

to a police station.

I know, but ira's car

is parked up at Brian's.

How we gonna get back?

Benny, the desk sergeant

will call a cab for you

when they're ready

to let ira go.

Come on,

guys, please.

Please just stay

and wait.

Listen, we're tired.

We need to go find out

what happened to Brian.

Yeah. Besides,

you're the one

that opened your mouth

to the security guy.

I know, I know.

But he's gonna

be so pissed

when he gets out.

You guys probably

need to talk.

Well,

ditched those two.

We gave 'em our statements.

They'll be fine.

You know, Hank,

sometimes you scare me.

Pardon?

Yeah, you know,

all your Kumbaya

horse shit

about "is Brian

gonna be ok?"

But when it comes

to ira,

who can't do

anything for you--

I didn't notice you

stickin' around.

Yeah, well, I never

pretended to be

ira's pal, did I?

How old are you?

29.yeah? I'm 44.

Yeah? Really?

Is that when

they give out the

hypocrites licenses?

On the day you turn 37,

all of a sudden

you realize

that other people

are not what's important.

Really?

You learn to put your faith

in institutions.

It's the opposite

of everything

that the culture

teaches you.

It's not the wife,

it's the marriage.

It's not the player,

it's the team.

There are certain

institutions

that must be preserved,

even if they are damaged.

And what institution

does Brian represent?

Syndication.

So you're not a hippie.

You're Harry lime.

That's another great thing

about turning 37.

You stop being

indignant.

I'm not indignant.

I am in awe.

Go, my son,

and sin no more.

Let's get outta here.

Cops give me

the creeps.

Did he kick me?

You hit the planter

when you fell backwards.

There was a woman

with me.

Yeah. She said

you wouldn't want

to call the cops.

Where'd she go?

She hustled sugar ray

out of here.

Did she say

for me to wait?

What do I look like,

a kiosk?

Get in.

Why the hell did you

have to tell him

that you slept with me?

I told you, I thought

it would get rid of him.

Want a drink?

Got any vodka?

Stoli?

Fine.

Cozy.

You know, I think

I figured out

what I want

for my story.

Ok, how much?

I want credit.

Look, in order

to get your name

on something

you'd have to

actually write it...

And you'd have

to actually havea name.

You can have

anything else.

Boy, I'd hate

to see you

with a crab leg.

Run silent, run deep.

They'll go away.

What if it's

your friends?

What if it's

your partner?

Let me see that.

The safety's on.

Whoa! Unh!

Danny!

Jesus Christ, man,

I think you broke

my fuckin' ass!

What the hell

were you doin'?

I was worried about you.

Don't you ever

open the door?

How'd you know

I was here?

I saw some shadows

in the bedroom upstairs.

You got a woman

up there?

Get that fucking gun

away!

Guns are dangerous.

Listen, I got an idea.

How 'bout

I call the network up

and give them

some outrageous

bullshit story?

Then I think I could

buy you another week.

That's not an idea,

Danny.

When you have

the outrageous

bullshit story,

then you'll have

an idea.

Look...

Don't say anything

to the network

just yet.

Well, I have to

tell 'em something.

Or else you do.

I'll figure out something.

I believe in you,

man.

And I believe

you believe in me.

Yeah, Courtney,

I want you to get

a couple numbers for me.

I know exactly

what time it is,

all right?!

Ok, I want you to get me

Dr. Jerry applefield.

Get his service.

Quit yawning.

Quit yawning.

What the hell's

goin' on, guys?

How come you aren't

playin' poker?

Ira's in jail.

What?

He punched out

one of those

security guys.

How the hell'd

that happen?

Well, he thought

the guy called Benny

a Jew boy.

Well, fuck him.

What's goin' on

with Brian?

Who's he up there with?

Beats the shit

out of US.

Hey, who represents

you guys?

Knock it off,

will ya?

I'm sorry.

You're making it

very hard for me

to pretend

I'm not here.

I'm not

a sex junkie.

Congratulations.

Nobody wants me

for me, you know?

Everybody wants me

'cause I got this

freak dong.

What?!

You know,

I suppose I'm weak

'cause I go along

with it, right?

But you know,

I got to meet

all kinds of people

I never would've

met otherwise,

you know?

Interesting people.

And it took me places,

you know?

Now look where

it's taken me.

It's like having

an albatross hanging

between your legs!

Tell me something, man,

what's it like

to have a penis

that you can't sit on?

Look, I don't know

why, exactly,

but I'm not

comfortable

discussing this.

You think

I'm comfortable?

Come on, I got

a medium-sized

forest creature

in my pants!

Hey! I don't wanna

hear another word

about your dick!

Ok?!

Ok. All right.

Lymon's girlfriend--

this unbelievable-looking

black chick named,

champagne--

ok, well, somebody

must've told--

you know, 'cause

she wanted to take me

up in the tower

of the hotel

to, show me

the view, right?

Well, next thing

you know--unh!

If only we hadn't

been leaning

up against

the light switch--

champagne, champagne--

what hotel was this?

Look, I've done

2 pornos, ok?

They said I was just

another 13-inch cock.

Now I'm selling

plumbing fixtures.

What hotel?

The chateau,

up on the strip.

The one with the tower.

You were in the tower

tonight shtupping?

Making love.

And you were

bumping the lights

on and off?

We were supposed

to go to lymon's room

to play pictionary,

right?

But you gotta

bring lubrication.

Look, let me

give you a tip

about storytelling.

Start

at the beginning.

The real question is

will the network let US

run the show?

You two?

Frankly, no way.

And none of that's

gonna matter because

if the network

doesn't have

something to see

by Friday,

there is not

gonna be a show.

But I guarantee

you guys this--

if I can get

another one

of my clients

to configure

his deal

and take the job

that Brian's doing

right now over,

then you two will

be on the show

at no less than

supervising

producers.

So, basically,

we shoot Brian

in the nuts.

I love Brian.

Do you love Brian?

We love Brian.

We're not gonna

shoot him

in the nuts.

Don't you care

about Brian?

Hang on a second.

Wait a minute.

I love Brian, too.

He's just like

a brother to me.

Yeah, well, he's

sick. He's sick,

you understand?

Yeah.

Danny...

Yes?

Could you excuse US

for a second?

Yeah.

If you don't mind,

we just want to--

you want me

to-.

Appreciate it.

Hank, this is no time

to take the high

moral ground.

Let me ask you

something.

If Danny were

to hand US a couple

of staff jobs,

don't you think

he'd want US

as clients?

You think

he's gonna fuck US?

We'll know

he's for real

if he wants

to sign US.

Well, I need to know

what you guys

are gonna do.

And there's

one more thing,

and if it's a problem,

we'll shake hands

and go our separate ways.

If you guys

take the jobs,

I expect to be

your agent.

What'd I tell you?

I know. I know.

I know.

Look, I know

you're still pissed.

This isn't like you.

Say something.

The guy in the cell

with me

had a 13-inch shvontz.

My god.

No, you idiot.

He was the guy

in the tower

at the chateau marmont

tonight.

No.

Yes.

This is

unbelievable.

UN-fucking-believable.

My god.

So, what happened?

Ok, you ready

for this?

Big boy leaves

his girlfriend

on the balcony

with this fag

englishman,

takes the fag englishman's

black Amazon girlfriend

up to the tower

to show off

the artillery piece.

Hold on. Hold on.

The englishman is gay,

but he has a girlfriend?

A shemale, you know?

Transsexual?

And get this...

Its name is champagne.

Champagne?

Champagne.

God.

So he's pushin'

and pushin',

and they're leanin'

up against the light

switch.

Pretty soon

the fag englishman

shows up,

goes bat-shit nuts.

"Champagne, you have

betrayed me!"

My god.

My god!

I hope this is

a 10:00 show.

Brian:

That's your story?

Woman:

That's my story.

Sounds like another

bad TV episode.

You're just

being too much

of a perfectionist.

With all due respect,

you don't know

what the fuck

you're talking about.

You don't understand

the process.

Really?

Where you goin'?

Look, you asked me

what happened.

I told you.

If you

don't like it,

there's nothing

I can do about it.

But I want you

to stay.

And you'll behave?

Ok.

Ok, maybe I'm not

a writer,

but it seems to me

the problem is

that you're missing

the main character.

What main character?

The main character

isn't somebody

over there.

It's somebody here

who saw something

and can't

figure it out

and it's

driving him crazy.

Television is no place

for literary self-portrait.

Bullshit.

Do you ever actually

watch television?

Do you?

Sometimes.

Fuck television.

What would

Hitchcock do?

You're my muse.

Obviously, there's

no TV show in this,

but it gives US a huge

strategic advantage

over those 2 shitheads.

All right, we gotta

come up with a story

for Brian.

He still needs a story.

We'll have his

undivided attention,

but we gotta come up

with a story.

Before we start...

We gotta talk

about our problem.

It's been in the room

staring at US every day,

like a--like a goiter.

All right... you wanna

talk about this?

Fine.

What you did sucked.

We were partners

for 8 years.

You chose

to fuck that up.

So even if we do

work together,

let's face it,

it's not gonna be

like it was before.

I'm sorry that

you feel this way,

but it's normal

for a grown man

to be married.

What?

Not everybody wants

to spend Thanksgiving

at the track.

Is that what you think

this is about?

Well, don't make this

about the murder,

she wrote,

because you didn't

know about that

until tonight.

You've been

pickin' on me

ever since I got home

from my honeymoon.

Admit it.

You hate my wife.

Reality check,

Benny.

Everybody hates your wife.

You really don't know

that I know, do you?

Know what?

At your bachelor party--

a party that I somewhat

helped to organize--

while everyone's

up front with the girls,

you're in the back room

with that cocksucker

fingerman

stabbing me in the back.

Fantasy baseball?

Fingerman

was the only one

who had a chance

to overtake me.

He needed

one more big stick,

you made sure

he got griffey.

You're talking about

a fucking rotisserie

league, ira.

No. You're wrong.

Look, there's

one thing in life

that I'm good at.

For 4 straight years

I dominated that league.

That bothered you,

didn't it?

Bothered you enough

to try and ruin it

for me.

You're right.

I shouldn't have

done it, but...

Ira, i--

I gotta tell ya...

When things aren't

going your way,

you're kind

of an asshole.

And when things

aregoing your way,

you're

a huge asshole.

It's amadeus.

What?

The guy in the cell,

me, it's amadeus.

A gifted man destroyed

by threatened, jealous

mediocrity--

that's what Brian saw.

That's the theme

of the story!

What about the guy

with the schlong?

...we'll make him

some kind of oddball genius

like...like rain man,

only not retarded.

No. Not a genius.

Telekinetic.

The guy is

telekinetic.

But it's something

that's passed down

genetically,

like schizophrenia.

I don't think

schizophrenia

can be passed down

genetically.

No, no, no, no. The power,

it's passed down

genetically,

but it skips generations.

It's--it's--it's

this recessive gene

that--that's only found

in this one family.

Right, right, ok, ok.

We're at

this family reunion--

no, like, it's

at a christening,

or a bris

with a baby--

a new baby

comes into this

old-line family

in San Francisco.Pittsburgh.

No, no, no.

San Francisco,

and there this big

house on Nob Hill

and a matriarch--

a respected,

powerful--

stanwyck in

the big valley.

I'm telling ya,

this is too good

for Brian.

Where's the fuckin' cab?

I rode on one once.

Brian: What if

the guy watching

is a priest?

Yeah...Yeah.

That's good.

The priest doesn't

report it right

away,

'cause he's not sure

what he's seeing.

Yeah.

If he says anything

to the cops,

he'll just sound

like the voyeur

he really is.

The guy who commits

the murder

he confesses

To a priest.

What?

Isn't that a kind

of a reach?

That he happens

to confess

to the only witness

to the crime?

Not if--

Not if the priest

is the only witness

that he confesses

to the guy

to shut him up.

Jesus!

Christ! You're

incredible!

Neal: Thank you.

Thanks. You know,

that's my BMW out there.

Did you--

did you see that?

All right, ok...

All right, second season

of outer limits,right?

There's the one

with the giant ants,

and they all have faces

like Mario cuomo.

You know,

I'm not married

to this notion,

but what about

something that's not

based on a TV show?

All right, fine.

Twilight zone.

Devil episode.

All right, it's a dark,

rainy night,

the guy pulls

into a monastery,

the monks, they've got

this guy prisoner, right?

And he turns out--

he's the devil,

but the guy lets

the prisoner go,

and he's gotta spend

the rest of his life

trying to

recapture the devil.

If we're going to

rip something off,

let's at least

rip off a feature,

for Christ's sakes.

Fine. Fine. Even better.

...maybe

something French?

What do you suppose

we'll get for

supervising producer?

What do you think

that is?

15k a show.

Really? Times 20.

You gotta figure

we'll do at least

3 scripts each.

That's like another

70k right there.

What about

this devil idea?

D-D-Do you know

where the offices are?

I--i--i heard they might

be in the same building

as spelling,

which'd be good

because that means

we could have lunch

at Marie callender's.

What? It's the good one.

The one on Wilshire.

Will you try to focus?

All right,

all right, um...

Ok, the last detail,

but in space.

Danny said

no straight Sci-Fi.

All right, the last detail

in the wasteland.

The last detail

meets mad Max?

Depressing.

Sucks.

How are you gonna

dump your agent?

I think I'll just

have my lawyer fax her.

That is brutal.

Yeah, I know.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You're good.

You're good.

I--i got stuff

to learn.

Ha ha ha.

Can we have

some coffee here?

Woman: And then...

And then...

And then

they change places.

What?

Who's changed places?

The killer

and the priest.

They're doppelgangers.

And at the end,

the priest

is in his bedroom.

He's back

at the rectory,

sitting in a chair...

Looking out

the w-window...

Only it's not

the priest.

It's the killer wearing

the priest's vestments.

He--

What did

you stop for?

We were doing

so good this time.

We were doing good,

weren't we?

We were doing great.

Great story.

So...get back

down there.

Well,

that's one story.

I'll be a dead man

if I have to go

through this 22 times.

Well, thanks a lot.

I--i didn't mean it

like that.

You're fantastic, but...

Let's face it.

We're involved because

it's filling a need.

I need to be overstimulated

to be creative.

That's always been

my problem.

I just can't take it

anymore.

It's just US,

and it's good.

This time.

But you're only one story.

By episode 6, we'll do

a story about dope dealers

or satanists, and I'll be

discovered down an alley

with a needle in my arm

or fucking a goat.

I'm never gonna make it.

Ok, ok.

Well, look, I think

we've done enough

for one night.

Look, you take an

ativan, get a good

night's sleep,

and when you wake up

in the morning,

you'll

write our story,

and everything's

gonna look

a whole lot sunnier.

Benny: The old lady

pushes into the room

with her Walker, ok?

And the whole family

parts, so that she

can view the kid.

All right, all right.

When she leans over the kid,

we'll ping-pong closeups.

The old lady sees something

in the kid's eyes.

Ok, all right,

and she turns

to the family

and she asks them

to part

so that she can,

you know,

have some room,

and she reaches in,

and she pulls out

a...

Marble.

A tooth.

Shark's tooth.

A bear's tooth.

Both: A wolf's tooth.

Ok, she puts the tooth

down in the crib,

and wham! It goes flying

into the kid's hand.

The kid has the power.

The kid has the

power, the old lady

has the power.

Jeez.

You know they'll

try to make US

share an assistant,

don't you?

Fuck that noise.

We'll each get

our own assistant.

About this devil idea...

What if...

We...

You know, I could get

car insurance now.

I could...

How 'bout this...

We're out

in the desert.

wasteland.

Will you forget about

the wasteland already?

We're in a desert.

No. We open up

on a black screen.

Scratch that.

We're in the desert.

Death valley.

Nothing moves.

A couple of vultures

work on some bare bones.

Suddenly,

Vultures look up.

Something is in the air.

A gopher sticks

its head out of its hole.

A few feet away,

a crack develops

in the hard-baked surface.

Something is pushing

at the ground

from underneath

like a chick trying

to get out of its shell.

Ok.

The vultures take off,

and the golfer--

"golfer"?

What--why is--

why is there

a golfer?

Gopher.

Gopher.

Gopher.

Jumps out of its hole

and runs away.

The ground cracks open

just enough

for an incredibly

grotesque...

Gnarled, inhuman hand

to push through.

As the sunlight

hits the hand,

it suddenly ungnarls

and morphs into a normal

man's hand.

No, that's expensive.

No, no, no. I know this guy

just open up a digital house

over on seward.

They can do it all

on a fuckin' macintosh.

All right, fine, ok,

go ahead.

After--after the hand,

this little Yoda head,

and then the rest

of the body comes out,

and this thing

morphs into--

Harry Hamlin.

Harry Hamlin.

Fine.

So then Harry...

Hamlin...

Stands up, stretches,

takes a deep breath,

turns around, and sees...

The Las Vegas strip

behind him.

He's the devil.He's the devil.

He's just escaped

from hell.-

There's the whole

flip-flop on the

twilight zoneshow.

I get it,

no, I get it.

I get it!

Of course!

"Escape

from hell."

That's

our story.

That is our

fuckin' story!

What'd you do?

Cool that, man.

Cut that out.

Turn it off.

Cut to: A pagoda

in the highlands of

east fucking Timor.

American guy,

early 30s.

Lives with the monks.

Vow of silence,

just prays,

eats rice balls

and chicken fat sandwiches.

There's a phone call.

He goes over,

he reaches down--

hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on.

If the monks have

taken a vow of

silence,

why do they have

a telephone?

A carrier pigeon

flies up his ass, ok?

He gets a message

from his grandmother

in Pittsburgh.

She tells him

that another one

with the power,

another one like them,

has been born.

Brother.

Excuse me?

I don't believe

I got your credits.

You have credits?

Between US, we have 19

produced television credits.

Well,

that explains it.

That explains what?

That explains

television.

I suppose you don't

watch television.

No, I don't.

I prefer movies.

Yeah, well, you're

ridin' the fuckin' bus.

Woman: What are you doing,

driving it?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's a good one, Lynn!

Driver: Ha ha ha!

We're gonna go

get my car.

All right.

See, 'cause I thought

Dennis hopper maybe

put you guys on board

and then when one of you

gets an idea,

the bus explodes.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What's wrong

with the idea?

Seriously?

Seriously.

Well, first of all,

all right,

you do have this

nice little story

about this

dysfunctional family, fine,

but then why tart it up

with this--this

telekinesis thing?

Go with

what is essential.

The outsider

within the family, see.

You know,

find the antagonist

within that situation.

Then...

The old woman.

It's the old woman.

The old woman--

she abused the hero,

and that's why

he's so fucked up,

and now this baby is born,

and he knows that

she is going to do

the same thing to him,

and that is why

he has to come back.

Well, there you go.

Can I ask you what

you do for a living?

Um, well, I happen to be

one of the highest-paid

script readers in the business.

I can cover 5 of these

in one night.

I'm an insomniac.

So some poor schmuck

is sitting home

thinking that he's one yes

away from selling a script,

and it's your job to blow

him out of the water.

You know what?

I should get combat pay

for wading

through this crap.

That's what it is.

Hey, hey, hey!

Ira, take it easy!

It's all right, Claude,

it's all right.

Look, if I don't do it,

somebody else will.

Nazi.

Good.

Good for you.

Sunset boulevard.

Where the hell

are we?

Excuse me.

Where are we?

Sunset

boulevard.

It's Guatemala.

It's echo park.

Do you go back

the other way?

Eventually.

What the hell

does that mean?

I mean,

I go downtown,

I go to union

station,

seventh

and alvarado,

and then I come

back sunset

the other way.

And how long till you

get up to the strip?

'Bout an hour

and a half.

Could you freshen

these up for US,

please?

Yeah. Thanks very much.

He can't be

the devil.

Right.

Why?

Well, why would

the devil have to

escape from hell?

If you're escaping

from hell,

you're escaping

from the devil.

Ok, well, it's not

the devil, all right?

He's just a guy, right.

He was a rogue, you know?

In a previous life,

he was a bad guy,

a criminal.

An escape artist.

Yeah! No, that'd be great.

He's like the world's

greatest escape artist.

That's it!

I--you know?

During his life,

no jail could hold him.

Or during his death.

You see there?

No, that's great.

That's good.

Yeah, here we go.

Here we go.

There it is, yeah.

What?

Wasn't Hudson hawk

the world's greatest

escape artist?

Fuck.

Shit!

Fuck.

Shit!

Fuck! No!

No, Hudson hawk

was the world's

greatest cat burglar.

Well, that's not

the same thing.

No, that's different.

That was close.

I know, but we

got it back, though.

Gotta pee.

I'll keep workin'.

Yeah?

Hey, Danny, it's Neal.

How's it going, Neal?

It's going pretty

good, I think, you know?

What do you mean

you think?

Well, you know,

we've got a...

We have a story,

you know.

It's just...

Spit it out, Neal.

It's been a rough night.

Well, I think Hank

is great.

You know that.

I think he's

terrific.

You know, he's got

a lot of great

ideas, um...

And I think we can

really work well

together

on the show.

Danny: Neal.

All right, look,

I'm just a little

uncomfortable

with US both being

supervising

producers, you know?

It's sort of--

it starts to look

like we're--

you know,

like partners.

What's wrong

with being partners, Neal?

Maybe it'll do you both

some good.

Well, i--i just,

you know,

I've always liked

to work alone,

and you know

what they say

about writing

partnerships.

Yeah, I know, it's like

2 guys fucking the same dog.

Listen, Neal,

all you gotta do is

get a teaser, 4 acts,

write out the beats,

and we'll worry about

the credits later.

Ok, you know,

I don't want

to take anything

away from Hank,

you know?

I said I think he's

great, you know?

And the drug thing

doesn't worry me.

I just sort of

feel like if he's

supervising producer

I should at least

be co-exec.

Hold on.

Jennifer?

It's Hank.

Hank. Hank, I thought

you were with Neal.

Well, that's what

I'm calling about: Neal.

Hank, I've got

a client on the line

on location in Hawaii.

He's about to leave

the set. Hold on.

Neal?

I've got a client

on the line from Vermont.

He's just arriving

to the set,

and he's got a case

of tsuris.Hold on.

All right, what's

the problem with Neal?

Well, there's no problem.

He's been a big help.

But you have a problem

sharing the same credit,

right?

Well, I don't think

he's ever been more

than story editor.

Hang on.

Neal, what's the biggest

staff job you ever had?

Executive story

consultant on

monkey's up.

You know, I don't

think Hank's

ever been

anything more than,

like, story editor.

Hold on. What about you?

Co-producer

on the rectifier.

Hang on.

Danny: Ok, Hank,

here's the deal:

You get supervising,

plus 5k more a week,

Neal gets

straight producer,

we'll tell him

it's the same money.

It's our little secret.

I think that's fair.

Danny: All right, Neal,

but this is gonna be

our little secret.

Don't you think

that's fair?

Yeah, it's fair.

Now go to work.

Go to work, Hank.

"Client of mine..."

Don't you even

speak to me.

I have no burning desire

to speak to you.

Fuck!

My laptop.

Neal:

Where are my car keys?

Fuck!

Man: This is

Dr. Jerry applefield's

current patient line.

Referrals should--

hello?

Jerry? Brian.

I just can't do it.

Brian, how many times

have I told you?

In order

to have something,

you must first

stop wanting it.

Ira: All right, that's it.

I say we hitch.

Benny: You know,

it would have

been faster

if we stayed

on the bus.

I'd be back in jail.

You know, maybe it's

not such a bad idea,

you have

the old lady be

the bad guy?

Just keep walking.

Bang-zoom.

Hank: Karma.

Neal: Come again?

I didn't hear you

the first 15 times.

But you know something?

This didn't happen

because we were

in those phone booths

cutting each other's

throats.

Yeah, it did,

and you know it,

and if Karma

does exist,

then that asshole

will run Danny over

in my car.

I think that when

we agreed to do this

behind Brian's back,

we established duplicity

as a ground rule.

Danny was screwing US.

How could we not eventually

try to screw each other?

Yeah, well, it didn't

take US very long,

though, did it?

There is a way

to make it right.

Yeah, do we have

to kill a chicken?

When we get

to Brian's house,

we wake him up,

sit him down,

and tell him

what we tried to do.

Yeah,

that should

calm the waters.

Hey, pal, when you

were having your

nervous breakdown,

Hank and I tried

to fuck you

in the ass.

And then we give him

"escape from hell."

Let him say

it's his.

It'll solve

his problem.

Temporarily.

It's an act

of contrition.

It'll put US right

with the lord.

And who knows?

Maybe he'll

get his shit together

and wind up running

the show after all.

And we wait till then

to tell him about Danny.

And we fuck Danny,

and the Karma wheel

comes full-circle.

See what

I'm saying?

I'm with you.

Very zen.

Brian: It's

never gonna work!

It's never

gonna work!

Honey, come on.

Stop that.

Aah!

No. Come here.

Stop that.

It's never

gonna work.

It's never

gonna work.

Come on, you're

gonna hurt yourself.

Never gonna work.

It's fine. It's ok.

I'm here.

It's never

gonna work.

No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's ok.

No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Come on, now.

You're exhausted, Brian,

and you just need

to sleep.

I'll take care of you.

Just get under

the covers, Brian.

I'll take care

of you.

You can't

take care of me.

I'll

take care of you.

Just sleep.

Sorry.

Shit.

Yes?

Where's Brian?

Who are you?

We're

Brian's friends.

Who are you?

I'm Brian's girlfriend.

You're Miranda?

Yes.

I'm Benny kanopka.

This is ira gold--

kanopka-gold.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, we need

to see Brian.

I'm afraid

that's impossible now.

You see, Brian spent the night

in the emergency hospital,

and, um, he's resting now.

Emergency hospital?

What happened?

How well did you say

you knew Brian?

Stress?

They had to shoot him up

with thorazine.

How terrible.

I just wonder.

The thing that seemed

to set him off

last night--

he thought

he saw something

over at the hotel.

He was desperate

to find out what it was.

He wants to turn it

into a story.

See, the thing is,

we know what happened

at the hotel.

That's very sweet of you,

but the doctor said

the last thing Brian

needs right now

is to start thinking

about work again.

So I will let him know

you came by. So long.

Hey--hey!

Benny: I hope

he'll be all right.

Fuck him.

We'll nail him later.

Let's get

a cheeseburger.

How could you get

a cheeseburger now?

Boy.

Look at this.

Shit.

Got out ok?

No. I was killed

in a cell block

riot.

What's up with Brian?

Is everything ok?

Not exactly.

He can't see anyone

right now.

Brian?

My god! Jesus.

Brian! Jesus!

What do you think

you're doing?

How could you do

such a thing?

I told you I was

gonna take care

of you.

I'm gonna

take care of you.

For god sakes.

Come on.

Jesus,

that is fucking awful.

Yeah, well,

can we see him?

No. Not for

a couple of days.

We talked

to the doctor

ourselves.

He's all right.

The girlfriend's

with him.

The g--

what girlfriend?

You don't know

Brian's girlfriend?

We do.

Lovely girl.

Well, if it's

all the same to you,

if she's still up there,

we'd like

to talk to her.

You want

to talk to her?

You don't want

to talk to Brian?

So what if we do?

Benny: You're not

allowed up there.

Stay back.

I'm not fucking

with you, man.

I'm not bullshitting.

Now, stay-!

Hank: Just let me

talk to--

don't touch me.

Ira: I'm gonna smack you.

I'm gonna smack you hard.

Are you laying hands

on me?

Jeez.

All right. Ok.

All right. Fuck it.

Let's go. Come on.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, come here!

Come here!

All right,

all right,

all right!

All right,

time-out, time-out.

Come on.

This is idiotic.

Let's be up-front

with each other.

Tell him, Neal.

We've got a story

for him.

Well, we got

a story, too.

But the doctor said

no stories today!

We're not

bullshitting you.

He's in bad shape.

Well, why are you

keeping US from him?

We're not keeping you

from him.

We're protecting him

from you!

What's the difference?!

Motive.

Aha!

Wait

a minute.

Danny.

Danny came after you guys,

too, didn't he?

No.

You guys been

talking to Danny?

Come on, ira.

Coy really

is not you.

What's the matter

with you? I've been

in jail all night!

What'd Danny say?

Is it about

the show?

Show US a girlfriend

and Brian in a puddle

of his own urine,

and maybe we'll tell you.

Well?

She's in there.

We just left her.

Maybe she went

back to sleep.

She's not asleep.

Well,

then where is she?

Miranda? Miranda?

Ira: Miranda?

Is everything

all right?

I'm gonna call

911!

I'm in the shower!

Could you guys

come back later?

Ira: Ok, sorry.

We're leaving now...

All of US.

Well, well, look

what you did now.

You fucking idiot.

Youpushed me!

He was trying

to hold you back.

Well, he let go.

Sorry, Miranda.

Miranda?

Yep,

that's Miranda.

Hank: Well, she sure wasn't

in the shower, was she?

Yeah, and her name

isn't Miranda.

Yes, it is.

She told US.

Well, Hank,

what do you think

these three

are trying to pull?

You're paranoid.

Maybe I'm paranoid,

but her name is

Georgia feckler.

And she's a writer.

So the fuck what.

All right, j-just

tell me one thing.

Is Brian ok?

Yeah.

Neal, how do you

know her?

Neal:

She came in to pitch

on monkey's up.

You had a partner

back then--

a guy with a goatee.

Yeah, well, now I don't.

Well, what the hell

are you doing here?

Who do you think you are?

Hey, we're Brian's--

friends.

Really?

Yeah. And right now

we're going upstairs

to check on him.

No, you're not.

Ok...

Is Brian still alive?

Yeah. Now no one

try anything funny.

Are you screwing him?

He happens to know

my work, all right?

Jesus.

Why'd you let US think

you were his girlfriend?

Brian wanted to talk to me

about a job on the new show.

I knew that he blew you off.

I just didn't want

to hurt your feelings, ok?

Men: Bullshit!

Look, 2 minutes ago you're

all at each other's throats.

A minute a woman appears,

you're the rockettes.

Hey, sex had nothing

to do with it.

You lied to US.

You were gonna

cut US out.

Well, I didn't see

much chance

of getting invited

to the poker game,

did I, Neal?

I have no idea

what you're

talking about.

The reason you cut US off

on the monkey's upstory

is because

I wouldn't play ball.

Well, I hate to break it

to you, but the reason

you got cut off

was because your

partner was a psycho.

He acted that way

'cause everyone

on your writing staff

kept hitting on me.

I did not

hit on you.

So you walk

all the freelancers

out to lot "z"

after the story meetings.

It was dark.

Which explains why you

cracked your head

on my car door

after you made your pounce.

Jesus. Neal.

That is weak.

You pounced on her?

That's sad.

She is lying!

You guys are beautiful.

You're all freaked out

because after all

your card games

and your cocksucking,

Brian went for me.

On my merits.

Hey, we did

a thirtysomething.

Well...

Come on! I got her!

Hey, Brian!

Hold her!

My head!

Jesus.

Man.

Georgia: Go away.

I told you to leave

Brian alone.

He's my responsi--

Brian.

My god.

My god.

"How do I know it's valium"?

I know it's valium because

I'm holding the empty bottle

with your fucking

phone number on it.

I'm sorry, Dr. Applefield.

I--well, yeah, he's

breathing all right,

but he's completely

unconscious.

He's--his color

is not good at all.

His--his chest

is all gurgly,

sounds rather phlegmy.

And, I mean,

as far as I know--

and I don't know much

about it--

he's completely comatose.

I mean, this is

Judy garland time.

I cannot wake him up.

Dr. Applefield:

You think you're

gonna be able

to stay with him

for a couple of days?

Well, yeah, sure,

but shouldn't he be

in a hospital?

No. I think

I was able to get

everything out of him

when I had him

in the bathroom.

Does he need anything

special?

You have any

good ideas for a script?

Hollywood shrink humor.

He'll be all right

in a couple of days.

I'm afraid it's

an occupational hazard

with these guys.

It's a lot of pressure.

You don't think

he'll do it again.

No. He doesn't

want to die.

He just

doesn't want to write.

I think when he realizes

that he doesn't have to

take this job,

he's going

to start to feel some--

some immediate relief.

All right.

Well, thank you, doctor.

I'll take care of everything.

So how'd you

get to him, anyway?

I heard about his deal

2 weeks ago.

I knew somebody

who knew somebody

who used to date him.

They said he drinks

at the chateau bar.

I'd been sitting

in that same cocktail dress

every night for a week.

He thought I was this girl

he saw on the balcony.

I went with it.

Women who sit

in hotel lobbies

in cocktail dresses

in hopes of making money.

Gee--

go fuck yourself, Hank.

Ira, well,

who the hell did he

see up there then?

It was a guy.

He had a 13-inch--

forget it.

It doesn't matter

anyhow now.

All connection disconnected.

Well, he'd been

disconnected anyway.

No, he wasn't.

He would have made it.

Think so?

Danny came to US,

offered US gigs.

He needed some material

to stall the networks

until he found

a replacement for Brian.

You turned him down?

We're not that desperate.

When did this happen?

Late last night.

And you told him no

last night?

Yeah.

That's too bad.

I mean, we gave him

the impression that

we would--

in other words,

you said you'd do it.

Yes, but subsequently

we embraced

a new philosophy.

So Danny thinks you guys

are still doing the show?

Good. That'll buy US

some time.

What?

Brian's doing the show.

Can somebody

make some coffee?

Ha ha ha. Have you

see him lately?

I don't think a cup

of coffee's gonna

do the trick.

It's for US,

you imbecile.

Now, you said you had

a story for the show, right?

Yeah.

Now, what about you two?

Did you manage to come up

with anything

before you realized Danny

was bullshitting you?

Yes. We open in a desert.

Death valley.

Whatever.

Brian's doing the show.

You're gonna be

the staff.

Who you gonna be?

I'm gonna be Brian.

Why do you

get to be Brian?

Outside of his shrink,

we're the only 5 people

who know exactly what kind

of shape Brian is in.

And we're all writers.

So we front for him.

Exactly. Brian has this

incredible opportunity.

He doesn't want to do it.

We do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why do you

get to be Brian?

Because...

I'm Brian's new partner.

Does Brian knowthis?

Let me take care of Brian.

You guys just keep

bullshitting Danny.

Tell him you came by

to see Brian last night

to get your car.

Brian waved you in.

He--he was up working

all night.

He come up with

3 great stories.

6. We're gonna work

all night if we have to.

Could you go

make the coffee?

No, no, but i--i

want to stay here--

Neal: Benny, would you

make some damn coffee?

She asked you

to make the coffee.

Do you want the job

or not?

Jack-off.

Bring me some

sweet n' low, too.

Your team?

Like the '62 mets.

Great. You'll fill one

supervising producer slot.

You're producer.

You're co-producer.

Wait a minute.

Don't get greedy.

I could go to Danny.

Don't be greedy andstupid.

You're supposed to save that

in case I try and fire you.

Why would Brian

go for this?

Hank,

do you mind?

Why wouldn't he go for it?

He doesn't have to go

through with the torture.

He gets to share

45 grand a show.

He gets to keep his house.

And he'll be getting

the best sex

of his entire life.

You said you didn't

sleep with him.

Grow up.

Hank: What will a producer

get per episode?

Georgia:

I don't know--12?

Hank: Ira,

let her finish.

Georgia:

By the way, that time

in the parking lot--

Benny,

where's that coffee?

Man: Hello?

It's Brian.

Well...

It worked.

That's beautiful.

Do you think they

can handle it?

You know

what's really great?

I don't care.

Wonderful.

That's exactly where

we were trying to get to.

Those 22 shows--

they guaranteed?

Absolutely.

So what'd I tell you?

In order to have something,

you must first stop wanting it.

Or appearing to want it.

Yeah, well,

we'll get into that

in the next session.

Brian, you're feeling ok?

I'm still

a little phlegmy

from the choco-ccino.

Well, I'll send up

some expectorate.

That ought to clear you up.

Brian, are those guys

still downstairs?

Do me a favor, will you?

Will you flush

that bag of pills

before one of them

gets into it?

Sure.

And, Brian,

I'm proud of you.

I'll see you Monday.

Monday.

Thank you very much.

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