Hacks (1997) - full transcript

Captioning made possible
by lions gate entertainment

Man: Ira, please, don't
get started on Brian.

How long have
we been playing
poker at his house?

I don't know. 2 years?

2 years.

In 2 years, how many
times did he tell US

we're on
his next show?

Well, he never actually
said that we were--

he has implied it

and hinted at it
many times.

Well, we don't know that
he's not gonna hire US.



Would Ernie, our agent,
be avoiding US

if Brian, our scumbag,

had shown any interest
in hiring US?

Maybe he doesn't want
to put anybody on his staff.

Maybe he's just gonna hand out
freelance assignments

don't be
so desperate.

Ira, we haven't
worked in 8 months...

And I have a wife.

All right, i--
don't say it.

Woman: Are you on your way
to your card game?

Man:
Yeah, what's up?

Brian's show
was picked up.

I want to finish
my book!

Do the show
for one season,



and you can finish
your book during hiatus.

Do you have anything left
from the advance?

No.

You're the only one
who knows about this.

Just let Brian know
that you're ready to work

and call me
in the morning.

Man: Have you ever worked
with Brian before?

No, I never worked with him.

I know he was
a really big fan
of monkey's up.

Don't bring that up.

Why?

When you
bring up a show

that lasted 8 episodes
2 seasons ago

it's like
holding up a sign

that says,
"will write for food."

Gotcha.

Good.

Now get in there
and suck Brian's dick.

I am all over it.

No, no, Brian,

I'm not allowing you
to do this to me.

I thought I was ready
to come back.

You are ready, man!
I got you 22 on the air!

They want a fuckin'
anthology show, man.

Every week
a new fuckin' deal.

22 times.

And I don't even know
what it's about.

More suspenseful
than eerie,

but a little eerie...

With an edge.

Everything's
got an edge.

And funny, but dark.

How dark depends on
whether we get

Sunday at 7:00
or Thursday at 10:00.

And it's gotta have
this look.

Something about...

Digitals and pixels
and drop frames.

And we'll get those
chanting Bulgarian monks
to do the theme.

Monks with an edge.

Is that what
those idiots told you?

That's what
I told them.

Then what's the deal?!
What's the problem, Brian?

I sat on that couch,

and I tried to listen
to my own voice.

I was speaking
in tongues.

Who gives a shit what
you were speaking in, Brian?!

You got 22 shows on the air.

And I know Melinda.
Once a deal is made,
the rest is cake.

Cake?!

Cake?!

22 episodes is cake?!

Brian, you just gotta
get a taste for it, ok?

Listen, you're
a little rusty.

Come on, bri!
You're the man!

Remember when
you used to go out
in the desert for 3 days

and come back with
2 shooting scripts?

Yeah, but I didn't
come back with
the eightball of blow.

Well, if that's
the only problem.

Coke?

Are you out of
your fucking mind?!

Forget it! Forget it!
Bad idea! You're right!

All right.
Let's take this
one step at a time.

All they need by Friday

are story outlines
for the first 6 shows.

Nothing?

Nothing!

You've had 30 days, Brian!

Goddamn it,
don't do this to me!

You wanted to start
working again.

You said
the therapy was working--

you're fuckin' centered
or whatever kind of bullshit!

I know you, Brian!
You aren't gonna
like flying coach

and living in fucking
hacienda heights!

2 words for you, Brian:
Potato famine!

You're not gonna like
scouring on your fucking
friends' bathroom

looking for mushrooms to eat!
I know you, buddy!

When you stick
a darning needle up your ass,

you're, like,
at the Van nuys holiday inn!

You ok?

No. That's what i'm
trying to tell you.

I just can't do it.

Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta get
yourself cleaned up,

play your poker game,
and I'll call you
in the morning.

And if you still
don't want to do it,
I'll call Melinda.

Will you get the door?

Man: First day's bets.

Yeah, I'm in.

I call.

I feel lucky.

That's right.
Here they come.

King to the 3...

10, ace...
Queen for the actor...

Jack. Looking low.

Looking very low.

Ace, 10.

5.
I'm in it.

Chasing.

I call.
I'm out.

You're--you're
folding an ace, too?

Brian always
beats me low.

You had him beat
on the table, dummy.

I had a queen underneath.

Well, thanks
a fucking lot, Benny.

Jesus Christ, Benny,

they're dealt facedown
for a reason.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

How about a choco-ccino?

I don't think so.
It always makes me
phlegmy.

Ira: Is everything
all right?

He never offered me
a choco-ccino.

Can we get a new game
going here?

Yeah, let's go.

Thanks, Benny.

I'm gonna deal again.

It's like a do-over.

This time from
the top of the deck.

Well, you can't ask
for everything.

You in, Benny?

Deal me in.
I'm in. I'm in.

All right,
let's ante up, boys.

Ira: Are we gonna play
the whole game this time?

Get your head
in the game
this time, Benny.

For Christ's sake.

Benny: Take it easy.

We're not in high school
anymore. Let's go.

Turn yours over,
will ya?

10 over here.
We got a 3 and a 5.

Brian wins again.

Neal: Got me again.

Brian's too good
tonight.

Benny:
It's the bank of Brian.

What have you
lost, 500?

You are hot.Benny: You're
unbelievable.

Brian, i--
you're killing me.

You are fucking
killing me.

Choco-ccino?

May I have
my balls back?

I'm a loser,
you're a winner.

That's a nice shirt, Brian.
Where did you get it?

All right. I give.
I give. I surrender.

I'm italying here.

I'm giving up.
I got bupkis.

Bupkis.
It's yours.

Have you lost
weight?

Brian, you are hotter
than honeymoon dick.

Cigar?

No, have one of mine.

You want me
to get the door?

No, I'll get it.

Deal me out
this hand.

Benny: Hank's deal.

Hank:
Just hang on a second.

Benny,

I think you've got
something on your nose here.

What?

I'd assume it was something
Brian ate 2 or 3 days ago.

Hey, I noticed
you dumping hands
to him, too.

What the fuck
is going on?

Yeah. Are you guys
looking for jobs
or something?

Yeah. What's
with you, Hank?

I didn't know
you were such
a kiss-ass?

I'm not, I got
shit cards,
all right?

Wait a minute.
Is Brian going back to work?

Typical fucking actor.
Me. Me. Me.

Why don't you suck my ass,
writer boy?

Hey!not you, ira.

Somebody write
that up for you?
Somebody script that?

No, no. No one has
to write that up for me.

No, I'm a professional
fuckin' actor.

I can improvise.

You're
improvising?
Yes!

That explains
my boredom.

Will you assholes
knock it the hell off?

Jesus fuckin' Christ!

I get one night a week
to relax and have
a little camaraderie.

Man: Hey, you!

Hey, you!
Up there!

Yes, you!

Down here!

Yeah, you!

Champagne,

you have
betrayed me!

Aah!

Come here,
shithead!

Second man:
Fuck you!

Stay.

Woman: Help me
get rid of him.

Ouch!

Bet to the half.

Hundred bucks.

Brian,
you all right?

Hey, you!

I thought I heard
the Marlboro man
talking to me,

but it was over
at the hotel.

A woman and a man
are standing on
the balcony.

The lights
in the tower

flash 4 times
at perfect intervals

like
Paul fuckin' revere.

I hear a woman scream
up in the tower.

The man on the balcony
points up and says--

"champagne,
you have betrayed me!"

Betrayed me?

Did you say,
"champagne"?

Is anyone gonna bet?

The man reappears

at the other end
of the hotel
on the fire escape.

The woman says to him,

"stay and help me
get rid of him."

The guy kisses her
and takes off
down the escape.

Are you sure this
was the same guy

and the same woman
as the ones on
the balcony?

What do you mean?

How well
could you see them?

Hello?!

Do something.

Bet or fold!

Hundred bucks.

Hundred bucks
to ira.

I'm out.

Neal: I'm in.

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

What?

It's a test.

What are you
talking about?

Brian...

He wants to see
which one of US
can break the story.

He's playing with US.

Just like,

James coburn did
in the last of Sheila.

For Christ's sake--

I'm telling you...

Hank and Neal are going
to cut our throats
if we cock around.

Now we can
do this if you'll
just get into it.

Stop winning.

Ok, maybe--maybe
it's, just

your run-of-the-mill
sex-for-hire thing,
right?

Hooker's
in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

She witnesses
a political
assassination.

Wasn't that
your equalizerepisode?

You know, maybe
the hooker's in on this
with the guy in the tower.

A variation of the panel game
or the badger racket.

Maybe you ought to stick
to selling enema bags.

Medical supplies.

Why does she have
to be a hooker?

I don't know, Benny,

maybe her parents
didn't love her enough.

Seriously,

did it ever occur
to you guys

that
a good-looking woman

in a hotel room

could be anything
but a hooker?

All: No.

Ok, Benny,
she's not a hooker.
Who is she?

Somebody's wife.

That
is exciting.

All right...
Cold opening:

A Jewel thief comes
into a hotel room, right?

And, there's
a husband and wife in bed.
They're asleep.

The wife looks up.
She sees the thief.

Instead of waking up
her husband,

she takes the Jewel thief
out on to the fire escape

and says,
"we can get rid of him."

"Him" being the husband
who's asleep in the bed.

Then how does that
explain the balcony?

Or the tower?

How much of this
are you married to?

That's it.
I'm going to bell.

This is fucking bullshit.

You know, I get one night
a week to play poker

and have a little
camaraderie,

and you assholes
fuck it up.

Are you coming?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Hey, why don't we
go to the bike and play
with the Vietnamese?

It's a good idea.
I don't understand
they say either,

but at least they
fucking play poker.

Thank you for
a lovely evening, gentlemen.

Goddamn writers.

Benny:
Who put a nickel in him?

Benny: Brian's right.

Who uses the line
"champagne, you have
betrayed me"?

Either an older man

or an academic
or an intellectual,

not some guy
running around
the chateau marmont

killing and/or robbing,

kissing some babe,

and then fleeing down
the fire escape.

Or...

Or what?

Or...

What other kind
of guy

uses the word
"betrayed"?

A foreigner.

A foreigner.

I gotta take a leak.

Who told you?

Our agent's assistant.
Who told you?

Your agent.

Yeah, he's been
trying to sign me.

I thought
you should know.

Thank you.

Anybody know what
the show's about?

It's an anthology.
You think he's all right?

What the fuck you mean
he's been trying to sign you?

Hey, don't
get mad at me.

How do you like it
over there anyway?

It's great.
Sign with him.

Seriously, you think
Brian's all right?

In what way?

Well, if we weren't
in show business,

this sort of obsessional
self-absorption

would be aberrational.

What's your point?

My point is we all know

what happened to Brian
2 seasons ago.

You've never been
tense at deadline?

Yes, but they never had
to send me home with
a psychiatric nurse.

Everybody works
differently.

You think he really saw
what he says he saw?

Sure.

I don't know,
maybe.

Well, the normal
first reaction

to possible
seeing a murder

is not to break it down
into 4 acts.

I think he's
fuckin' with US.

Either way, it's
a little psychotic,
don't you think?

Well, maybe
we should all
just go home,

take our meetings
with Brian
separately,

and let the chips
fall where they may.

Works for me.
I'm exhausted.

Agreed.
We all go home

and let Brian pull
himself together.

It's settled
then.

Anybody wanna
go get a drink?

Hank: What about this:
A crystal-meth lab

run by a couple
of disgruntled pharmacists.

Neal: Yeah.
The kids love the whole
pharmacist genre

blow me, Neal,
and I mean that sincerely.

At least about the guy
on the fire escape.

If you don't like
the Jewel thief, fine.

You know,
that was just an area.

Would you come on?

They're spitballing
down there.

I'll tell you
one thing right now,

I'm not walking back up.

I'm not getting a heart attack
for this guy.

Now what?

We have to talk.

Because we're not
practically in.

He's just hard up
for an idea.

God.

Benny, he's pumping US,

trying to get US
to work for nothing.

Ira, we've been working
for nothing for 8 months
in your living room.

Yeah, but in my living room,
I don't have to elbow out

a couple of desperate hacks
for the privilege.

Ira, we're a couple
of desperate hacks!

Even for you
that's pathetic.

You want to know what
would be a lot less pathetic?

A job!

Look, I've gotta have this.

I got a wife,
I'm leasing to buy,

and I'm going after this,
with you or without you.

What did you just say?

I said if you don't
want this,

I'm going after it
by myself

what are you
talking about?

Nobody even knows
if you can write by yourself.

I got a spec.

What spec?

I did a sample
murder, she wrote.

I finished it
last week.

You scumbag.

Look,
it's something that
I did in my spare time.

You scumbag liar!

You weren't even
talking to me!

What was
I supposed to do?

Don't try
and justify this!

Ok, ok, ok, ok. Listen,

I'm sorry about
what I said.

I don't want to do this
without you.

Then what the hell
are you doing writing
a spec behind my back?

And murder, she wrote?

Jesus chr--

isn't that off the air?

They're doing 3
2-hour reunion specials.

This is her idea, yes?

She was supportive,
yeah.

Yeah, as in "I can't
blow a man who doesn't
stand up for himself."

That's not why
she doesn't blow me!

Where are you going?

To get a job!

Now you're
cooking with gas!

But it's
every man for himself,

which means,
you're out.

Murder, she wrote.
Unbelievable!

All right, let me ask
you guys something.

Theoretically--

evening,
Mr. Pettiford.

Haven't seen you
in a while.

Diet coke,
heavy on
the maraschinos?

Remy. Water back.

A labbat-ice for me.

'Cardi, rocks.

Brian: Where's Benny?

He vomited
and went home.

In that case,
I'll have a vodka
and Sauerkraut juice.

Jimmy...

Yes, Mr. P.?

The west-facing suite,
fifth floor.

Do you know who's in there?

No, I don't.

Find out for me,
would you?

I--i really
can't do that.

I--i kind of
have to respect
the guests' privacy.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Pettiford.

I'll, just
go get those drinks.

Putz.

I mean...

Man:
Hey, Philippe...

Something else.
Something...

Big...

Underneath all of this.

Now what are the blinking
fucking lights in the tower?

And I don't want
any TV bullshit.

Perpetual novelty.

Perpetual novelty.

It's one of
the basic ideas

in forming
complexity theory.

I've been reading
this book.

They're these
physicists, biologists,
and economists

working up in some
think tank in Santa fe.

They've been
trying to come up

with models for studying
complex adaptive systems.

You understand? We're
trying to take a situation

that was happening,

that was unfolding
in the moment,

and we're trying
to find a point
of equilibrium

from which we can
find order in it.

Well, these guys
up in Santa fe

go on the idea that in
complex adaptive systems,

order is highly dispersed.

There is no single
vantage point from which

one can discern
the coherence
of the behavior.

In other words,

there is no master
neuron in the brain,

no master cell in
the developing embryo,

so what appears to be
order in a system,

is merely the outcome
of cooperation
and competition

among the agents
in that system.

Who--who put on
the discovery channel?

Anybody here
know French?

Brian: Why?

I'm outside, ok?

I'm by the fire escape,

and there are
these 2 very suspicious
French guys, ok?

And one of them
says to the other, just...

Bear with me, it's...

"He must still have
the desired pastry
with him."

Excuse me.
Mr. P.

You guys
keep working,

I have to go
to the phone.

Hank: Wait! Brian,
are you all right?

Brian?

Neal:
Nice fucking
work, Benny.

Yeah, what'd you do?

Find a French-English
dictionary in the John?

You said every man
for himself.

What's the matter
with you?

We've gotta get
this guy grounded.

Is that what
we're gonna do, Hank?

Look, maybe Brian
saw something,
maybe he didn't,

but he's becoming
completely delusional.

I think we got
to get him home,

and--and--and
call his shrink.

Neal: You're right.

I mean, if Brian
cracks up again,

there might not be
any jobs for any of US.

I'll get right to the point.

I want your story.

Gee, you work fast.

What makes you think
I've got a story?

Everybody's got a story,

it's just that
not everybody can tell it.

How do you know
I can tell it?

I'll tell it.

Doesn't sound like
much fun for me.

There'll be some money
in it for you.

How do you know
who I am?

I live just up the hill
from here.

My bedroom window
looks straight across
at the upstairs terrace.

And?

I saw what went on
up there tonight.

Am I confused or just
out of my league?

Benny: His shrink
was applefield.

Hank: We've gotta call
Dr. Applefield.

Guys, guys, guys, guys. Guys!

Steven Spielberg
up at the--

Steven Spielberg's
up at the desk.

My god,
that's Spielberg.

Ira: That's not
Steven Spielberg.

Shut up. It is.

I'm telling
you it is.

My cousin Gary look
more like Spielberg--

anything I say
is not--

I know Spielberg.
He goes to my temple.

Whatever.
Whatever.

The waiter did tell you
what I do, didn't he?

No.

No wonder you're
being so cagey.

You must have thought
I was a blackmailer
or something awful.

I write and produce
television shows.

No kidding.

I saw what went on
up there tonight.

It started to give me
an idea for a show.

You know,
I think maybe--

you think maybe what?

Can we talk about this
someplace else?

Where?

There's a bar
across the street
that I like.

I'm a little old
for that place.

Please.

Can we just get
out of here?

Let me get my coat.

It's not Spielberg.

I'm telling you
it is.

No, it's not Spielberg.

Are you happy?

Are you shocked
it's not Spielberg?

Hank: Looks like
Ron silver.

Looks like Ron silver?

You're wrong
about that, too.

Where the hell's Brian?

Should I go
look for him?

Why? So you can tell
him that the Latvians

are playing dominoes
in the men's room?

I'll go find him.

I'll go with you.

Hi, Connie.

Good evening, Mr. P.

We could go
up to my place.

Ira: Would you two
knock it off?

Neal: Where the fuck
did he go?

Maybe we ought to
just go home

and call him
in the morning.

Hank: The way
he's been behaving?

With his history?
Listen, he's got
a bagful of pills,

and I happen to know
there's a gun
in the house.

A gun
in the house?

We went shooting
at the range
together once.

When did you go
shooting at the range?

We're going up there.

No, really, when did you
go shooting at the range?

I want to know.Enough with the range.

Maybe we just better
go across the street.

So...

So...

So, what went on
up there?

Can we get a drink
first?

Stoli, rocks.

Aquavit.

Daddy.

Tracy?

No. Carla.

I'll have
an aquavit.

She seemed relieved.

Let's start
at the beginning.

What were the lights
in the tower?

Well, you're
the expert,

but it seems to me
that that part
of the story

won't make any sense
unless you start
at the beginning.

Where at the beginning?

Well, don't you
usually start off

with the main character?
Who she is.

All right, I'll pretend
I'm Eugene O'Neill
for a second.

Where are you from?

New Jersey.

Great. What were
the lights in the tower?

Brian. Brian!

Maybe we should
call the police.

Before we do that,

has anyone checked
to see if the front
door's locked?

Neal...you're
the most athletic.

I'll check upstairs.

I'll come with you.

I'll check
the pool.

Hank: You up here, Brian?Neal: Brian?

Hey, Brian?

I would've sworn he
turned this thing on
when we left.

Benny, what did you do?

Neal: What the fuck?!

Well, what kind
of schmuck burglar's

gonna stand here
and wave his arms?

Neal: Come on, Benny,
move it, move it. Hurry.

Shit!

Man!

This is really great.

Shh. I love this song.

Let's talk.

Ok, shoot.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

What?

Are you the only one
who gets to be

all business
around here?

Yeah, well,
how 'bout this?

If I use
what you tell me

as an "a" story
in an episode,

I'll give you
500 bucks.

And how much
will you get paid
for the story?

Well, it's kind
of complicated.

I have
an overall deal,

and things
like story payments

get charged
against it.

So how much will get
charged against it

for my story?

After all,
it is my story.

It happened to me.

It was a very
upsetting experience.

Are you all right?

Somebody's
a little tense.

I don't know
which one to take.

What exactly
are your symptoms?

Disorientation,
headache,

obsessive thinking.

Do you feel panicked?

Strangely, no.

This one
will knock you out.

This one you have to take
every day for 3 weeks

before you get
any results.

This one--
this one's a hypnotic.

Possible side effects,
happy happy, joy joy.

I highly recommend it.

A woman
with a secret...

And a pharmacology
degree.

Well, one needs to stay up
on these things,

doesn't one?

Or, in this case,
one needs these things

to stay up.

Aren't you gonna
write that down?

Only a real hack
writes down his own
bon mots.

Other side effects include
short-term memory loss.

This is nice.

And you are?

Her partner.

Ex-partner.

What have you given him?

Nothing.

Don't worry,
I'm not a cop

or a reporter
or anything.

I know who you are.

Well, maybe you and I
can talk later.

I don't want to talk to you.
I want to talk to her.

Later.

Now.

Would you excuse me
for a minute?

Get over here.

Get your hands
off me, ok?!

Just relax.Tough guy.

Tryin' to show off
in front of him?

I'm not gonna show off
in front of him.

What do you mean by that?

You're suppose
to play nice in front
of strangers, ok?

You just calm down.

I'm the one goin'--

you mean all over town?

I thought I made it
perfectly clear.

I am through with you.

What do you mean
you're through with me?

Maybe you're through
with me, you're not
through with the stuff,

and that's what
I'm here to protect.

Take a look
in the mirror.

You're a loser,
and I don't want

to have anything
to do with you.

What do you mean
I'm a loser?!

What are you saying?!
You're calling me
a fucking loser?!

I'll tell you what.
You wanna go with him...

I'm not going with him.
We're just talking.

You get your hands
off me!

Don't manhandle--

Fuck!
Ok, I don't give a fuck.

You wanna go
with him?

Just don't take
any of my shit.

You're hurting me.
Let go.

Excuse me.

Family business.
Step off.

Before we
do anything,

I want you to know
that I am represented
by Burt fields.

Have you already
slept with him?

So what?!

Think they accept
credit cards?

Desk sergeant said
that they do.

Come on, guys, please.
Hang around with me,
please?

What do you think's
gonna happen?

You're right next door
to a police station.

I know, but ira's car
is parked up at Brian's.

How we gonna get back?

Benny, the desk sergeant
will call a cab for you

when they're ready
to let ira go.

Come on,
guys, please.

Please just stay
and wait.

Listen, we're tired.

We need to go find out
what happened to Brian.

Yeah. Besides,
you're the one

that opened your mouth
to the security guy.

I know, I know.
But he's gonna
be so pissed

when he gets out.

You guys probably
need to talk.

Well,
ditched those two.

We gave 'em our statements.
They'll be fine.

You know, Hank,
sometimes you scare me.

Pardon?

Yeah, you know,
all your Kumbaya
horse shit

about "is Brian
gonna be ok?"

But when it comes
to ira,

who can't do
anything for you--

I didn't notice you
stickin' around.

Yeah, well, I never
pretended to be
ira's pal, did I?

How old are you?

29.yeah? I'm 44.

Yeah? Really?

Is that when
they give out the
hypocrites licenses?

On the day you turn 37,

all of a sudden
you realize

that other people
are not what's important.

Really?

You learn to put your faith
in institutions.

It's the opposite
of everything

that the culture
teaches you.

It's not the wife,
it's the marriage.

It's not the player,
it's the team.

There are certain
institutions

that must be preserved,
even if they are damaged.

And what institution
does Brian represent?

Syndication.

So you're not a hippie.
You're Harry lime.

That's another great thing
about turning 37.

You stop being
indignant.

I'm not indignant.
I am in awe.

Go, my son,
and sin no more.

Let's get outta here.

Cops give me
the creeps.

Did he kick me?

You hit the planter
when you fell backwards.

There was a woman
with me.

Yeah. She said
you wouldn't want
to call the cops.

Where'd she go?

She hustled sugar ray
out of here.

Did she say
for me to wait?

What do I look like,
a kiosk?

Get in.

Why the hell did you
have to tell him

that you slept with me?

I told you, I thought
it would get rid of him.

Want a drink?

Got any vodka?

Stoli?

Fine.

Cozy.

You know, I think
I figured out

what I want
for my story.

Ok, how much?

I want credit.

Look, in order
to get your name
on something

you'd have to
actually write it...

And you'd have
to actually havea name.

You can have
anything else.

Boy, I'd hate
to see you
with a crab leg.

Run silent, run deep.

They'll go away.

What if it's
your friends?

What if it's
your partner?

Let me see that.

The safety's on.

Whoa! Unh!

Danny!

Jesus Christ, man,

I think you broke
my fuckin' ass!

What the hell
were you doin'?

I was worried about you.

Don't you ever
open the door?

How'd you know
I was here?

I saw some shadows
in the bedroom upstairs.

You got a woman
up there?

Get that fucking gun
away!

Guns are dangerous.

Listen, I got an idea.

How 'bout
I call the network up

and give them
some outrageous
bullshit story?

Then I think I could
buy you another week.

That's not an idea,
Danny.

When you have
the outrageous
bullshit story,

then you'll have
an idea.

Look...

Don't say anything
to the network
just yet.

Well, I have to
tell 'em something.

Or else you do.

I'll figure out something.

I believe in you,
man.

And I believe
you believe in me.

Yeah, Courtney,
I want you to get
a couple numbers for me.

I know exactly
what time it is,
all right?!

Ok, I want you to get me
Dr. Jerry applefield.

Get his service.

Quit yawning.
Quit yawning.

What the hell's
goin' on, guys?

How come you aren't
playin' poker?

Ira's in jail.

What?

He punched out
one of those
security guys.

How the hell'd
that happen?

Well, he thought
the guy called Benny
a Jew boy.

Well, fuck him.

What's goin' on
with Brian?

Who's he up there with?

Beats the shit
out of US.

Hey, who represents
you guys?

Knock it off,
will ya?

I'm sorry.

You're making it
very hard for me

to pretend
I'm not here.

I'm not
a sex junkie.

Congratulations.

Nobody wants me
for me, you know?

Everybody wants me
'cause I got this
freak dong.

What?!

You know,
I suppose I'm weak

'cause I go along
with it, right?

But you know,
I got to meet
all kinds of people

I never would've
met otherwise,
you know?

Interesting people.
And it took me places,
you know?

Now look where
it's taken me.

It's like having
an albatross hanging
between your legs!

Tell me something, man,

what's it like
to have a penis

that you can't sit on?

Look, I don't know
why, exactly,

but I'm not
comfortable
discussing this.

You think
I'm comfortable?

Come on, I got
a medium-sized
forest creature

in my pants!

Hey! I don't wanna
hear another word

about your dick!
Ok?!

Ok. All right.

Lymon's girlfriend--

this unbelievable-looking
black chick named,

champagne--

ok, well, somebody
must've told--

you know, 'cause
she wanted to take me

up in the tower
of the hotel

to, show me
the view, right?

Well, next thing
you know--unh!

If only we hadn't
been leaning

up against
the light switch--

champagne, champagne--
what hotel was this?

Look, I've done
2 pornos, ok?

They said I was just
another 13-inch cock.

Now I'm selling
plumbing fixtures.

What hotel?

The chateau,
up on the strip.

The one with the tower.

You were in the tower
tonight shtupping?

Making love.

And you were
bumping the lights
on and off?

We were supposed
to go to lymon's room

to play pictionary,
right?

But you gotta
bring lubrication.

Look, let me
give you a tip
about storytelling.

Start
at the beginning.

The real question is

will the network let US
run the show?

You two?

Frankly, no way.

And none of that's
gonna matter because
if the network

doesn't have
something to see
by Friday,

there is not
gonna be a show.

But I guarantee
you guys this--

if I can get
another one
of my clients

to configure
his deal

and take the job
that Brian's doing
right now over,

then you two will
be on the show

at no less than
supervising
producers.

So, basically,
we shoot Brian
in the nuts.

I love Brian.
Do you love Brian?

We love Brian.
We're not gonna
shoot him

in the nuts.

Don't you care
about Brian?

Hang on a second.
Wait a minute.

I love Brian, too.

He's just like
a brother to me.

Yeah, well, he's
sick. He's sick,
you understand?

Yeah.

Danny...
Yes?

Could you excuse US
for a second?

Yeah.

If you don't mind,
we just want to--

you want me
to-.

Appreciate it.

Hank, this is no time
to take the high
moral ground.

Let me ask you
something.

If Danny were
to hand US a couple
of staff jobs,

don't you think
he'd want US
as clients?

You think
he's gonna fuck US?

We'll know
he's for real

if he wants
to sign US.

Well, I need to know
what you guys
are gonna do.

And there's
one more thing,

and if it's a problem,
we'll shake hands

and go our separate ways.

If you guys
take the jobs,

I expect to be
your agent.

What'd I tell you?

I know. I know.
I know.

Look, I know
you're still pissed.

This isn't like you.

Say something.

The guy in the cell
with me

had a 13-inch shvontz.

My god.

No, you idiot.

He was the guy
in the tower

at the chateau marmont
tonight.

No.
Yes.

This is
unbelievable.

UN-fucking-believable.

My god.
So, what happened?

Ok, you ready
for this?

Big boy leaves
his girlfriend
on the balcony

with this fag
englishman,

takes the fag englishman's
black Amazon girlfriend
up to the tower

to show off
the artillery piece.

Hold on. Hold on.

The englishman is gay,
but he has a girlfriend?

A shemale, you know?
Transsexual?

And get this...
Its name is champagne.

Champagne?
Champagne.

God.

So he's pushin'
and pushin',

and they're leanin'
up against the light
switch.

Pretty soon
the fag englishman
shows up,

goes bat-shit nuts.

"Champagne, you have
betrayed me!"

My god.
My god!

I hope this is
a 10:00 show.

Brian:
That's your story?

Woman:
That's my story.

Sounds like another
bad TV episode.

You're just
being too much
of a perfectionist.

With all due respect,
you don't know
what the fuck

you're talking about.

You don't understand
the process.

Really?

Where you goin'?

Look, you asked me
what happened.

I told you.

If you
don't like it,

there's nothing
I can do about it.

But I want you
to stay.

And you'll behave?

Ok.

Ok, maybe I'm not
a writer,

but it seems to me
the problem is

that you're missing
the main character.

What main character?

The main character
isn't somebody
over there.

It's somebody here
who saw something

and can't
figure it out

and it's
driving him crazy.

Television is no place
for literary self-portrait.

Bullshit.

Do you ever actually
watch television?

Do you?

Sometimes.

Fuck television.

What would
Hitchcock do?

You're my muse.

Obviously, there's
no TV show in this,

but it gives US a huge
strategic advantage

over those 2 shitheads.

All right, we gotta
come up with a story
for Brian.

He still needs a story.

We'll have his
undivided attention,

but we gotta come up
with a story.

Before we start...

We gotta talk
about our problem.

It's been in the room
staring at US every day,

like a--like a goiter.

All right... you wanna
talk about this?

Fine.

What you did sucked.

We were partners
for 8 years.

You chose
to fuck that up.

So even if we do
work together,

let's face it,

it's not gonna be
like it was before.

I'm sorry that
you feel this way,

but it's normal
for a grown man
to be married.

What?

Not everybody wants
to spend Thanksgiving

at the track.

Is that what you think
this is about?

Well, don't make this
about the murder,
she wrote,

because you didn't
know about that
until tonight.

You've been
pickin' on me

ever since I got home
from my honeymoon.

Admit it.
You hate my wife.

Reality check,
Benny.

Everybody hates your wife.

You really don't know
that I know, do you?

Know what?

At your bachelor party--

a party that I somewhat
helped to organize--

while everyone's
up front with the girls,

you're in the back room
with that cocksucker
fingerman

stabbing me in the back.

Fantasy baseball?

Fingerman
was the only one

who had a chance
to overtake me.

He needed
one more big stick,

you made sure
he got griffey.

You're talking about
a fucking rotisserie
league, ira.

No. You're wrong.

Look, there's
one thing in life
that I'm good at.

For 4 straight years
I dominated that league.

That bothered you,
didn't it?

Bothered you enough
to try and ruin it
for me.

You're right.

I shouldn't have
done it, but...

Ira, i--
I gotta tell ya...

When things aren't
going your way,

you're kind
of an asshole.

And when things
aregoing your way,

you're
a huge asshole.

It's amadeus.
What?

The guy in the cell,
me, it's amadeus.

A gifted man destroyed
by threatened, jealous
mediocrity--

that's what Brian saw.

That's the theme
of the story!

What about the guy
with the schlong?

...we'll make him
some kind of oddball genius

like...like rain man,
only not retarded.

No. Not a genius.
Telekinetic.

The guy is
telekinetic.

But it's something
that's passed down

genetically,
like schizophrenia.

I don't think
schizophrenia

can be passed down
genetically.

No, no, no, no. The power,
it's passed down
genetically,

but it skips generations.

It's--it's--it's
this recessive gene

that--that's only found
in this one family.

Right, right, ok, ok.

We're at
this family reunion--

no, like, it's
at a christening,

or a bris
with a baby--

a new baby
comes into this
old-line family

in San Francisco.Pittsburgh.

No, no, no.
San Francisco,

and there this big
house on Nob Hill

and a matriarch--
a respected,
powerful--

stanwyck in
the big valley.

I'm telling ya,
this is too good
for Brian.

Where's the fuckin' cab?

I rode on one once.

Brian: What if
the guy watching
is a priest?

Yeah...Yeah.
That's good.

The priest doesn't
report it right
away,

'cause he's not sure
what he's seeing.

Yeah.

If he says anything
to the cops,

he'll just sound
like the voyeur
he really is.

The guy who commits
the murder
he confesses

To a priest.

What?

Isn't that a kind
of a reach?

That he happens
to confess

to the only witness
to the crime?

Not if--

Not if the priest

is the only witness
that he confesses
to the guy

to shut him up.

Jesus!

Christ! You're
incredible!

Neal: Thank you.

Thanks. You know,
that's my BMW out there.

Did you--
did you see that?

All right, ok...

All right, second season
of outer limits,right?

There's the one
with the giant ants,

and they all have faces
like Mario cuomo.

You know,
I'm not married
to this notion,

but what about
something that's not
based on a TV show?

All right, fine.

Twilight zone.

Devil episode.

All right, it's a dark,
rainy night,

the guy pulls
into a monastery,

the monks, they've got
this guy prisoner, right?

And he turns out--
he's the devil,

but the guy lets
the prisoner go,

and he's gotta spend
the rest of his life

trying to
recapture the devil.

If we're going to
rip something off,

let's at least
rip off a feature,
for Christ's sakes.

Fine. Fine. Even better.

...maybe
something French?

What do you suppose
we'll get for
supervising producer?

What do you think
that is?

15k a show.

Really? Times 20.

You gotta figure
we'll do at least
3 scripts each.

That's like another
70k right there.

What about
this devil idea?

D-D-Do you know
where the offices are?

I--i--i heard they might
be in the same building
as spelling,

which'd be good
because that means
we could have lunch

at Marie callender's.

What? It's the good one.
The one on Wilshire.

Will you try to focus?

All right,
all right, um...

Ok, the last detail,
but in space.

Danny said
no straight Sci-Fi.

All right, the last detail
in the wasteland.

The last detail
meets mad Max?

Depressing.
Sucks.

How are you gonna
dump your agent?

I think I'll just
have my lawyer fax her.

That is brutal.

Yeah, I know.

Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.

You're good.
You're good.

I--i got stuff
to learn.

Ha ha ha.

Can we have
some coffee here?

Woman: And then...

And then...

And then
they change places.

What?

Who's changed places?

The killer
and the priest.

They're doppelgangers.

And at the end,

the priest
is in his bedroom.

He's back
at the rectory,

sitting in a chair...

Looking out
the w-window...

Only it's not
the priest.

It's the killer wearing
the priest's vestments.

He--

What did
you stop for?

We were doing
so good this time.

We were doing good,
weren't we?

We were doing great.
Great story.

So...get back
down there.

Well,
that's one story.

I'll be a dead man

if I have to go
through this 22 times.

Well, thanks a lot.

I--i didn't mean it
like that.

You're fantastic, but...

Let's face it.
We're involved because
it's filling a need.

I need to be overstimulated
to be creative.

That's always been
my problem.

I just can't take it
anymore.

It's just US,
and it's good.

This time.
But you're only one story.

By episode 6, we'll do
a story about dope dealers

or satanists, and I'll be
discovered down an alley

with a needle in my arm
or fucking a goat.

I'm never gonna make it.

Ok, ok.

Well, look, I think
we've done enough
for one night.

Look, you take an
ativan, get a good
night's sleep,

and when you wake up
in the morning,

you'll
write our story,

and everything's
gonna look
a whole lot sunnier.

Benny: The old lady
pushes into the room
with her Walker, ok?

And the whole family
parts, so that she
can view the kid.

All right, all right.
When she leans over the kid,

we'll ping-pong closeups.

The old lady sees something
in the kid's eyes.

Ok, all right,
and she turns
to the family

and she asks them
to part

so that she can,
you know,
have some room,

and she reaches in,
and she pulls out
a...

Marble.

A tooth.

Shark's tooth.

A bear's tooth.

Both: A wolf's tooth.

Ok, she puts the tooth
down in the crib,

and wham! It goes flying
into the kid's hand.

The kid has the power.

The kid has the
power, the old lady
has the power.

Jeez.

You know they'll
try to make US

share an assistant,
don't you?

Fuck that noise.

We'll each get
our own assistant.

About this devil idea...
What if...

We...

You know, I could get
car insurance now.

I could...

How 'bout this...

We're out
in the desert.

wasteland.

Will you forget about
the wasteland already?

We're in a desert.

No. We open up
on a black screen.

Scratch that.
We're in the desert.

Death valley.
Nothing moves.

A couple of vultures
work on some bare bones.

Suddenly,
Vultures look up.

Something is in the air.

A gopher sticks
its head out of its hole.

A few feet away,
a crack develops

in the hard-baked surface.

Something is pushing
at the ground
from underneath

like a chick trying
to get out of its shell.

Ok.

The vultures take off,

and the golfer--

"golfer"?
What--why is--

why is there
a golfer?
Gopher.

Gopher.
Gopher.

Jumps out of its hole
and runs away.

The ground cracks open
just enough

for an incredibly
grotesque...

Gnarled, inhuman hand
to push through.

As the sunlight
hits the hand,

it suddenly ungnarls
and morphs into a normal
man's hand.

No, that's expensive.

No, no, no. I know this guy
just open up a digital house
over on seward.

They can do it all
on a fuckin' macintosh.

All right, fine, ok,
go ahead.

After--after the hand,
this little Yoda head,

and then the rest
of the body comes out,

and this thing
morphs into--

Harry Hamlin.

Harry Hamlin.
Fine.

So then Harry...

Hamlin...

Stands up, stretches,
takes a deep breath,

turns around, and sees...

The Las Vegas strip
behind him.

He's the devil.He's the devil.

He's just escaped
from hell.-

There's the whole
flip-flop on the
twilight zoneshow.

I get it,
no, I get it.
I get it!

Of course!
"Escape
from hell."

That's
our story.

That is our
fuckin' story!

What'd you do?

Cool that, man.
Cut that out.

Turn it off.

Cut to: A pagoda
in the highlands of
east fucking Timor.

American guy,
early 30s.

Lives with the monks.
Vow of silence,
just prays,

eats rice balls
and chicken fat sandwiches.

There's a phone call.

He goes over,
he reaches down--

hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

If the monks have
taken a vow of
silence,

why do they have
a telephone?

A carrier pigeon
flies up his ass, ok?

He gets a message
from his grandmother

in Pittsburgh.

She tells him
that another one
with the power,

another one like them,
has been born.

Brother.

Excuse me?

I don't believe
I got your credits.

You have credits?

Between US, we have 19
produced television credits.

Well,
that explains it.

That explains what?

That explains
television.

I suppose you don't
watch television.

No, I don't.
I prefer movies.

Yeah, well, you're
ridin' the fuckin' bus.

Woman: What are you doing,
driving it?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's a good one, Lynn!

Driver: Ha ha ha!

We're gonna go
get my car.

All right.

See, 'cause I thought
Dennis hopper maybe
put you guys on board

and then when one of you
gets an idea,

the bus explodes.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What's wrong
with the idea?

Seriously?

Seriously.

Well, first of all,
all right,

you do have this
nice little story

about this
dysfunctional family, fine,

but then why tart it up
with this--this
telekinesis thing?

Go with
what is essential.

The outsider
within the family, see.

You know,
find the antagonist

within that situation.
Then...

The old woman.

It's the old woman.
The old woman--

she abused the hero,
and that's why
he's so fucked up,

and now this baby is born,

and he knows that
she is going to do

the same thing to him,

and that is why
he has to come back.

Well, there you go.

Can I ask you what
you do for a living?

Um, well, I happen to be

one of the highest-paid
script readers in the business.

I can cover 5 of these
in one night.

I'm an insomniac.

So some poor schmuck
is sitting home

thinking that he's one yes
away from selling a script,

and it's your job to blow
him out of the water.

You know what?
I should get combat pay

for wading
through this crap.
That's what it is.

Hey, hey, hey!

Ira, take it easy!

It's all right, Claude,
it's all right.

Look, if I don't do it,
somebody else will.

Nazi.

Good.
Good for you.

Sunset boulevard.

Where the hell
are we?

Excuse me.

Where are we?

Sunset
boulevard.

It's Guatemala.

It's echo park.

Do you go back
the other way?

Eventually.

What the hell
does that mean?

I mean,
I go downtown,

I go to union
station,

seventh
and alvarado,

and then I come
back sunset
the other way.

And how long till you
get up to the strip?

'Bout an hour
and a half.

Could you freshen
these up for US,
please?

Yeah. Thanks very much.

He can't be
the devil.

Right.

Why?

Well, why would
the devil have to
escape from hell?

If you're escaping
from hell,

you're escaping
from the devil.

Ok, well, it's not
the devil, all right?

He's just a guy, right.
He was a rogue, you know?

In a previous life,
he was a bad guy,
a criminal.

An escape artist.

Yeah! No, that'd be great.

He's like the world's
greatest escape artist.

That's it!

I--you know?
During his life,

no jail could hold him.

Or during his death.

You see there?

No, that's great.
That's good.

Yeah, here we go.

Here we go.
There it is, yeah.

What?

Wasn't Hudson hawk
the world's greatest
escape artist?

Fuck.
Shit!

Fuck.
Shit!

Fuck! No!

No, Hudson hawk
was the world's
greatest cat burglar.

Well, that's not
the same thing.

No, that's different.

That was close.

I know, but we
got it back, though.

Gotta pee.

I'll keep workin'.

Yeah?

Hey, Danny, it's Neal.

How's it going, Neal?

It's going pretty
good, I think, you know?

What do you mean
you think?

Well, you know,
we've got a...

We have a story,
you know.
It's just...

Spit it out, Neal.
It's been a rough night.

Well, I think Hank
is great.

You know that.
I think he's
terrific.

You know, he's got
a lot of great
ideas, um...

And I think we can
really work well

together
on the show.

Danny: Neal.

All right, look,
I'm just a little
uncomfortable

with US both being
supervising
producers, you know?

It's sort of--
it starts to look
like we're--

you know,
like partners.

What's wrong
with being partners, Neal?

Maybe it'll do you both
some good.

Well, i--i just,
you know,

I've always liked
to work alone,

and you know
what they say

about writing
partnerships.

Yeah, I know, it's like
2 guys fucking the same dog.

Listen, Neal,
all you gotta do is

get a teaser, 4 acts,
write out the beats,

and we'll worry about
the credits later.

Ok, you know,
I don't want
to take anything

away from Hank,
you know?

I said I think he's
great, you know?

And the drug thing
doesn't worry me.

I just sort of
feel like if he's
supervising producer

I should at least
be co-exec.

Hold on.

Jennifer?

It's Hank.

Hank. Hank, I thought
you were with Neal.

Well, that's what
I'm calling about: Neal.

Hank, I've got
a client on the line

on location in Hawaii.

He's about to leave
the set. Hold on.

Neal?

I've got a client
on the line from Vermont.

He's just arriving
to the set,

and he's got a case
of tsuris.Hold on.

All right, what's
the problem with Neal?

Well, there's no problem.

He's been a big help.

But you have a problem
sharing the same credit,
right?

Well, I don't think
he's ever been more
than story editor.

Hang on.

Neal, what's the biggest
staff job you ever had?

Executive story
consultant on
monkey's up.

You know, I don't
think Hank's
ever been

anything more than,
like, story editor.

Hold on. What about you?

Co-producer
on the rectifier.

Hang on.

Danny: Ok, Hank,
here's the deal:

You get supervising,
plus 5k more a week,

Neal gets
straight producer,

we'll tell him
it's the same money.

It's our little secret.

I think that's fair.

Danny: All right, Neal,
but this is gonna be
our little secret.

Don't you think
that's fair?

Yeah, it's fair.
Now go to work.

Go to work, Hank.

"Client of mine..."

Don't you even
speak to me.

I have no burning desire
to speak to you.

Fuck!

My laptop.

Neal:

Where are my car keys?

Fuck!

Man: This is
Dr. Jerry applefield's

current patient line.

Referrals should--

hello?

Jerry? Brian.

I just can't do it.

Brian, how many times
have I told you?

In order
to have something,

you must first
stop wanting it.

Ira: All right, that's it.
I say we hitch.

Benny: You know,
it would have
been faster

if we stayed
on the bus.

I'd be back in jail.

You know, maybe it's
not such a bad idea,

you have
the old lady be
the bad guy?

Just keep walking.

Bang-zoom.

Hank: Karma.

Neal: Come again?
I didn't hear you
the first 15 times.

But you know something?

This didn't happen
because we were
in those phone booths

cutting each other's
throats.

Yeah, it did,
and you know it,

and if Karma
does exist,

then that asshole
will run Danny over
in my car.

I think that when
we agreed to do this
behind Brian's back,

we established duplicity
as a ground rule.

Danny was screwing US.

How could we not eventually
try to screw each other?

Yeah, well, it didn't
take US very long,
though, did it?

There is a way
to make it right.

Yeah, do we have
to kill a chicken?

When we get
to Brian's house,

we wake him up,
sit him down,

and tell him
what we tried to do.

Yeah,
that should
calm the waters.

Hey, pal, when you
were having your
nervous breakdown,

Hank and I tried
to fuck you
in the ass.

And then we give him
"escape from hell."

Let him say
it's his.

It'll solve
his problem.

Temporarily.

It's an act
of contrition.

It'll put US right
with the lord.

And who knows?

Maybe he'll
get his shit together

and wind up running
the show after all.

And we wait till then
to tell him about Danny.

And we fuck Danny,
and the Karma wheel
comes full-circle.

See what
I'm saying?

I'm with you.
Very zen.

Brian: It's
never gonna work!

It's never
gonna work!

Honey, come on.

Stop that.

Aah!

No. Come here.
Stop that.

It's never
gonna work.

It's never
gonna work.

Come on, you're
gonna hurt yourself.

Never gonna work.

It's fine. It's ok.

I'm here.

It's never
gonna work.

No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's ok.

No, no, no, no.
It's fine.

It's fine.

Come on, now.
You're exhausted, Brian,

and you just need
to sleep.

I'll take care of you.

Just get under
the covers, Brian.

I'll take care
of you.

You can't
take care of me.

I'll
take care of you.
Just sleep.

Sorry.

Shit.

Yes?

Where's Brian?

Who are you?

We're
Brian's friends.
Who are you?

I'm Brian's girlfriend.

You're Miranda?

Yes.

I'm Benny kanopka.

This is ira gold--
kanopka-gold.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, we need
to see Brian.

I'm afraid
that's impossible now.

You see, Brian spent the night
in the emergency hospital,

and, um, he's resting now.

Emergency hospital?

What happened?

How well did you say
you knew Brian?

Stress?

They had to shoot him up
with thorazine.

How terrible.

I just wonder.

The thing that seemed
to set him off
last night--

he thought
he saw something
over at the hotel.

He was desperate
to find out what it was.

He wants to turn it
into a story.

See, the thing is,

we know what happened
at the hotel.

That's very sweet of you,

but the doctor said
the last thing Brian
needs right now

is to start thinking
about work again.

So I will let him know
you came by. So long.

Hey--hey!

Benny: I hope
he'll be all right.

Fuck him.
We'll nail him later.

Let's get
a cheeseburger.

How could you get
a cheeseburger now?

Boy.

Look at this.

Shit.

Got out ok?

No. I was killed

in a cell block
riot.

What's up with Brian?
Is everything ok?

Not exactly.

He can't see anyone
right now.

Brian?

My god! Jesus.

Brian! Jesus!

What do you think
you're doing?

How could you do
such a thing?

I told you I was
gonna take care
of you.

I'm gonna
take care of you.

For god sakes.

Come on.

Jesus,
that is fucking awful.

Yeah, well,
can we see him?

No. Not for
a couple of days.

We talked
to the doctor
ourselves.

He's all right.
The girlfriend's
with him.

The g--
what girlfriend?

You don't know
Brian's girlfriend?

We do.
Lovely girl.

Well, if it's
all the same to you,
if she's still up there,

we'd like
to talk to her.

You want
to talk to her?

You don't want
to talk to Brian?

So what if we do?

Benny: You're not
allowed up there.
Stay back.

I'm not fucking
with you, man.

I'm not bullshitting.
Now, stay-!

Hank: Just let me
talk to--
don't touch me.

Ira: I'm gonna smack you.
I'm gonna smack you hard.

Are you laying hands
on me?

Jeez.

All right. Ok.

All right. Fuck it.
Let's go. Come on.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, come here!
Come here!

All right,
all right,
all right!

All right,
time-out, time-out.

Come on.
This is idiotic.

Let's be up-front
with each other.

Tell him, Neal.

We've got a story
for him.

Well, we got
a story, too.

But the doctor said
no stories today!

We're not
bullshitting you.

He's in bad shape.

Well, why are you
keeping US from him?

We're not keeping you
from him.

We're protecting him
from you!

What's the difference?!

Motive.

Aha!

Wait
a minute.

Danny.

Danny came after you guys,
too, didn't he?

No.

You guys been
talking to Danny?

Come on, ira.
Coy really
is not you.

What's the matter
with you? I've been
in jail all night!

What'd Danny say?

Is it about
the show?

Show US a girlfriend
and Brian in a puddle

of his own urine,
and maybe we'll tell you.

Well?

She's in there.
We just left her.

Maybe she went
back to sleep.

She's not asleep.

Well,
then where is she?

Miranda? Miranda?

Ira: Miranda?

Is everything
all right?

I'm gonna call
911!

I'm in the shower!

Could you guys
come back later?

Ira: Ok, sorry.

We're leaving now...

All of US.

Well, well, look
what you did now.

You fucking idiot.

Youpushed me!

He was trying
to hold you back.

Well, he let go.

Sorry, Miranda.

Miranda?

Yep,
that's Miranda.

Hank: Well, she sure wasn't
in the shower, was she?

Yeah, and her name
isn't Miranda.

Yes, it is.
She told US.

Well, Hank,
what do you think

these three
are trying to pull?

You're paranoid.

Maybe I'm paranoid,

but her name is
Georgia feckler.

And she's a writer.

So the fuck what.

All right, j-just
tell me one thing.
Is Brian ok?

Yeah.

Neal, how do you
know her?

Neal:
She came in to pitch
on monkey's up.

You had a partner
back then--
a guy with a goatee.

Yeah, well, now I don't.

Well, what the hell
are you doing here?

Who do you think you are?

Hey, we're Brian's--
friends.

Really?

Yeah. And right now

we're going upstairs
to check on him.

No, you're not.

Ok...

Is Brian still alive?

Yeah. Now no one
try anything funny.

Are you screwing him?

He happens to know
my work, all right?
Jesus.

Why'd you let US think
you were his girlfriend?

Brian wanted to talk to me
about a job on the new show.

I knew that he blew you off.

I just didn't want
to hurt your feelings, ok?

Men: Bullshit!

Look, 2 minutes ago you're
all at each other's throats.

A minute a woman appears,
you're the rockettes.

Hey, sex had nothing
to do with it.

You lied to US.
You were gonna
cut US out.

Well, I didn't see
much chance

of getting invited
to the poker game,
did I, Neal?

I have no idea
what you're
talking about.

The reason you cut US off
on the monkey's upstory

is because
I wouldn't play ball.

Well, I hate to break it
to you, but the reason
you got cut off

was because your
partner was a psycho.

He acted that way
'cause everyone

on your writing staff
kept hitting on me.

I did not
hit on you.

So you walk
all the freelancers

out to lot "z"
after the story meetings.

It was dark.

Which explains why you
cracked your head

on my car door
after you made your pounce.

Jesus. Neal.

That is weak.

You pounced on her?
That's sad.

She is lying!

You guys are beautiful.
You're all freaked out

because after all
your card games

and your cocksucking,
Brian went for me.

On my merits.

Hey, we did
a thirtysomething.

Well...

Come on! I got her!

Hey, Brian!
Hold her!

My head!

Jesus.

Man.

Georgia: Go away.
I told you to leave
Brian alone.

He's my responsi--

Brian.

My god.

My god.

"How do I know it's valium"?

I know it's valium because
I'm holding the empty bottle

with your fucking
phone number on it.

I'm sorry, Dr. Applefield.

I--well, yeah, he's
breathing all right,

but he's completely
unconscious.

He's--his color
is not good at all.

His--his chest
is all gurgly,

sounds rather phlegmy.

And, I mean,
as far as I know--

and I don't know much
about it--

he's completely comatose.

I mean, this is
Judy garland time.

I cannot wake him up.

Dr. Applefield:
You think you're
gonna be able

to stay with him
for a couple of days?

Well, yeah, sure,
but shouldn't he be
in a hospital?

No. I think
I was able to get

everything out of him
when I had him
in the bathroom.

Does he need anything
special?

You have any
good ideas for a script?

Hollywood shrink humor.

He'll be all right
in a couple of days.

I'm afraid it's
an occupational hazard
with these guys.

It's a lot of pressure.

You don't think
he'll do it again.

No. He doesn't
want to die.

He just
doesn't want to write.

I think when he realizes

that he doesn't have to
take this job,

he's going
to start to feel some--
some immediate relief.

All right.
Well, thank you, doctor.

I'll take care of everything.

So how'd you
get to him, anyway?

I heard about his deal
2 weeks ago.

I knew somebody
who knew somebody
who used to date him.

They said he drinks
at the chateau bar.

I'd been sitting
in that same cocktail dress

every night for a week.

He thought I was this girl
he saw on the balcony.

I went with it.

Women who sit
in hotel lobbies
in cocktail dresses

in hopes of making money.
Gee--

go fuck yourself, Hank.

Ira, well,
who the hell did he
see up there then?

It was a guy.
He had a 13-inch--
forget it.

It doesn't matter
anyhow now.

All connection disconnected.

Well, he'd been
disconnected anyway.

No, he wasn't.
He would have made it.

Think so?

Danny came to US,
offered US gigs.

He needed some material
to stall the networks

until he found
a replacement for Brian.

You turned him down?

We're not that desperate.

When did this happen?

Late last night.

And you told him no
last night?

Yeah.

That's too bad.

I mean, we gave him
the impression that
we would--

in other words,
you said you'd do it.

Yes, but subsequently

we embraced
a new philosophy.

So Danny thinks you guys
are still doing the show?

Good. That'll buy US
some time.

What?

Brian's doing the show.

Can somebody
make some coffee?

Ha ha ha. Have you
see him lately?

I don't think a cup
of coffee's gonna
do the trick.

It's for US,
you imbecile.

Now, you said you had
a story for the show, right?

Yeah.

Now, what about you two?
Did you manage to come up
with anything

before you realized Danny
was bullshitting you?

Yes. We open in a desert.
Death valley.

Whatever.
Brian's doing the show.

You're gonna be
the staff.

Who you gonna be?

I'm gonna be Brian.

Why do you
get to be Brian?

Outside of his shrink,
we're the only 5 people

who know exactly what kind
of shape Brian is in.

And we're all writers.

So we front for him.

Exactly. Brian has this
incredible opportunity.

He doesn't want to do it.
We do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why do you
get to be Brian?

Because...

I'm Brian's new partner.

Does Brian knowthis?

Let me take care of Brian.

You guys just keep
bullshitting Danny.

Tell him you came by
to see Brian last night
to get your car.

Brian waved you in.

He--he was up working
all night.

He come up with
3 great stories.

6. We're gonna work
all night if we have to.

Could you go
make the coffee?

No, no, but i--i
want to stay here--

Neal: Benny, would you
make some damn coffee?

She asked you
to make the coffee.

Do you want the job
or not?

Jack-off.

Bring me some
sweet n' low, too.

Your team?

Like the '62 mets.

Great. You'll fill one
supervising producer slot.

You're producer.
You're co-producer.

Wait a minute.

Don't get greedy.

I could go to Danny.

Don't be greedy andstupid.

You're supposed to save that
in case I try and fire you.

Why would Brian
go for this?

Hank,
do you mind?

Why wouldn't he go for it?

He doesn't have to go
through with the torture.

He gets to share
45 grand a show.

He gets to keep his house.

And he'll be getting

the best sex
of his entire life.

You said you didn't
sleep with him.

Grow up.

Hank: What will a producer
get per episode?

Georgia:
I don't know--12?

Hank: Ira,
let her finish.

Georgia:
By the way, that time
in the parking lot--

Benny,
where's that coffee?

Man: Hello?

It's Brian.

Well...

It worked.

That's beautiful.
Do you think they
can handle it?

You know
what's really great?

I don't care.

Wonderful.

That's exactly where
we were trying to get to.

Those 22 shows--
they guaranteed?

Absolutely.

So what'd I tell you?

In order to have something,
you must first stop wanting it.

Or appearing to want it.

Yeah, well,

we'll get into that
in the next session.

Brian, you're feeling ok?

I'm still
a little phlegmy

from the choco-ccino.

Well, I'll send up
some expectorate.

That ought to clear you up.

Brian, are those guys
still downstairs?

Do me a favor, will you?

Will you flush
that bag of pills

before one of them
gets into it?

Sure.

And, Brian,
I'm proud of you.
I'll see you Monday.

Monday.

Thank you very much.

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