Gypsy (1962) - full transcript

All right, all right,
all right, everybody.

My daughter needs a pin spot.

Never mind now.

Wait a minute, you'll all get a chance.

Herbie. Herbie.

- Yes, Herbie.
- We were here first.

Herbie, here we go
with the mothers.

Forget the mothers, George.

I don't want the mothers
in the wings.

I don't want the mothers
in the house.

They're trying to help the kids.



Don't argue with me, Herbie.
Mothers, please, will you get out?

Get odd-stage.

And then I want you to come forward
one at a time.

And now let's have the first wee lad
on Uncle Jocko's Kiddie Kapers.

Take them each from the top
and then cut to the last eight.

All right.

Uncle Jocko presents...

...Clarence and his clarinet.

Go ahead, kid.

Cut to the end! To the end, kiddo.
To the end.

And who does Uncle Jocko
have here?

Baby June and Company.

I'm "and Company."

I mean, I assist. That is until
Mama finds out what I do best.



She's working on it.

Yeah, dear.

Seem nice, but I've only got
time for half your routine.

So let's have it fast and off. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, huh?

Herbie, come here.

That's the one that's gotta get the
contract. The beast with the balloons.

Oh, now, the one that
gets it is the one with talent.

- I'm the boss and I pick the cast.
- And I'm getting sick of it, George.

Oh, Gus! Gus!

Hit this doll with a surprise pink
when she does her turn, huh?

And now...

...Uncle Jocko presents
Baby June and Company.

Let me entertain you

Let me see you smile

I will do some kicks

I will do some tricks

I'll tell you a story

I'll dance when...

Sing out, Louise! Sing out!

Now, quiet. Who said that?

You're behind, Louise.
Catch up, dear, catch up.

- Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
- Please, get off the stage, please.

Didn't I see your face
at the Odd Fellows Hall?

- My first husband was one.
- I'm not.

- Knight of Pythias.
- I'm not a Knight.

Aren't you anything?

- I'm an Elk.
- Should have known by your manners.

My father's an Elk. One, eight,
five, three, Seattle, Washington.

I got his tooth here someplace.
I'm an Honorable Elk.

- Hi, Bill.
- Hi, Bill...

Would you mind holding Chowsie?

That's short for "chow mein."
Mama loves chow mein.

Stop sucking your thumb, Louise.

I just marvel how you can
make a performer into an artist.

So if you could help my little girls by
giving them a nice, loud:

Da-di-da, di-da-da.

- Oh, Mr. Zipser...
- Yes?

When my girls do their specialty,
please ad lick?

- Sure.
- Show them.

- You're boss, what do I do?
- Get her out of here!

Oh, Mr. Electrical!
Would you please spot Baby June?

She's the one
with the movement.

Every little movement
has a meaning all its own.

Hit her with some pink.
Or do you prefer amber?

I never can make up my mind
what color to use.

- Decisions, decisions, decisions.
- You said it. She's ready for big time.

We'd be there if we had
first-class management.

Big time? Har, har, har.

Open time, layoff time,
big time, boy is she...

Is that so? Don't you laugh.
Don't you dare laugh!

Please, let us get on
with the rehearsals.

- We're not finished.
- You are as far as I'm concerned.

Trying to play favorites?
Louise heard every word.

We're on the level.

How dare you let that untalented
balloon block up my babies?

I won't leave this stage until she does.
Have you no loyalty to the Elks?

It's not Elks, it's talent.

My girls have the only talent
on this stage.

And I'm gonna tell that
to the editor of the Gazette.

Which, it so happens, he's an Elk.

I'll also shout "the whole
audition is being fixed" because of her.

Hey, you get in the wings and wait.

La-di-da, di-da-da.

Thank you, Professor.

Let me entertain you

- Thank you, Mr. Jocko.
- Herbie, come here!

Thank you, Mr. Zipser.

I don't care who she shouts on,
we sign the balloon.

I'll tell you a story

You sign, I resign.

Hit it, girls.

Uncle Jocko was a gent.

He quit.

And I made the usual arrangements
with my wedding rings.

Pawned them. All three of them.

And we all started back to Pa's house
in Seattle to refinance.

We were like an advancing army on the
big time, backfiring all the way.

Mama, I've been thinking.

How come I have three fathers?

Because you're lucky.

Does it have to be this cold, Mama?

Breathe hard on each other, kids.

And hold that Thermos
up against you.

Oh, why does this pile of junk
have to be stopping all the time?

Because it isn't going, Mama.

The trouble's got to be in either
the universal joint or the rear end.

Now, now, now. No dirty talk.

Don't worry. Whatever it is, I'll fix it.

I think something melted.

Look, Mama.

What are we gonna do, Mama?

We'll break our jump.

Surely there must be a theater
in this hamlet.

We'll get a hitch into town, which means
we'll go see one of Mama's brothers.

Have you got brothers in this town,
too, Mama?

Practically all men in America
are Mama's brothers.

Like your grandpa says, you can
tell the size of a man's heart...

...by the button in his lapel.

What would Grandpa say
about this automobile, Mama?

He'd ask if it was insured.

It is, isn't it?

Only for fire.

Get everything out, girls,
I smell smoke.

Now, Mr. Willis,
don't give me that stuff...

...about what the other salesman
used to sell.

How much of his candy did you sell?
Zero. He steered you wrong.

You're not on the ball
with your patrons...

...selling plain chocolate bars,
Mr. Willis.

It's like women wearing bustles.
This is an era of youth.

Of flappers, of shifters.
It's a world that crunches.

So, what should you sell?

Crunchy Butterfingers.

Crispy Baby Ruths covered
with our nourishing milk chocolate...

...safe for a baby. I'm gonna put you
down for a hundred gross, Mr. Willis.

And I personally guarantee
you'll reorder within a month.

Ten dozen chocolate bars.

You're cheating yourself. Ask any...
Here, ask her what her kids eat.

Butterfingers, so help me.

I speak as a mother.
Who could argue with a mother?

Not me. Twenty dozen, assorted.

- Mr. Willis...
- Are you the woman Buffalo...

...Mr. Beckman called me about?

I certainly am.
I came down to discuss the act.

- Now, how big is your orchestra?
- Three pieces. Piano, cover and stool.

What kind of act do you do?

It's great. I caught it in L.A.

- You two a team?
- I never saw him before.

I speak only as a pro.

Well, sometimes I play an act
when I got a weak movie.

Tell you the truth, lady,
I got a weak movie.

But this town's very
brotherhood-minded, Buffalo-wise.

Are you sure you're a lady Buffalo?

Honorary.

- Rmm.
- Rmm.

- Now we can talk turkey.
- Turkey's 60-40.

That's a deal.

She gets the 60, you get the 40.

- No guarantee.
- With a town full of Buffaloes...

...she doesn't need a guarantee.

I don't like it, but I'm stuck
with my Buffalo oath.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go
to the ladies' room and fix the sink.

- Thanks for getting me that 60.
- Well, thanks for getting me this order.

Thanks for saying
you caught the act in L.A.

I did. Hello, Chowsie.

I was Uncle Jocko.

Uncle Jock... Well, where's your goggles
and tam-o'-shanter?

- How come you're selling candy?
- I quit the profession, thanks to you.

- Me?
- Yeah. You triggered it down in L.A.

I had this candy bar proposition for a
long time and I'm singing like a bird.

I tip the fedora to you.
Name is Sommers. Herbie.

Hovick. Rose Hovick.

How come you quit the profession
to become a candy butcher?

Because, lady...

Rose, the profession is
making a buck the hard way.

Not if it's in your blood.

When you say that, you look like a
pioneer woman without a frontier.

Is that good or bad?

Oh, it's good.
You've got what it takes.

You won't let the world
push you around.

Say, it's that fashionable
cocktail hour again, Rose.

I would like to buy you
a small booze and a bite to eat.

Now, there's a local speak
which has fair gin...

...but dandy chow mein,
if you happen to go for Chinese food.

Is there any other kind?

Say, you're a regular
Irene Castle, Rose.

Everybody in my family is,
except Louise.

- But you're working on it.
- You bet I am.

She must be able to do something,
but June is already the showbiz whiz.

She's a worker, all right.

I'd like to see her in a big flash act.
A lot of scenery.

And maybe six little girls behind her.
All brunettes to show off her blondness.

If you wanna show her off,
back her up with some boys...

...the way Ziegfeld does.

What does Ziegfeld know about
vaudeville? My mind's made up.

Oh, no, you're wrong, Rose,
it ought to be boys.

I don't need any advice
from a candy butcher.

- Check, please.
- Oh, Herbie, Herbie, don't get so mad.

I know I need advice.
I know I need management.

- I know everybody in the business.
- Who do you know? Later, boy.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, who don't I know?
That's a better question.

In my time, I've met them all. Mr.
Albee, Mr. Loew, even Mr. Goldstone.

Do you know what Mr. Goldstone
says when he sees me?

- What?
- He says, "Hello, Herbie."

Hello, Herbie.

Hello, Rose.

I like you.

Certainly didn't show it
when we auditioned for you in L.A.

Well, we had so many
stage mothers there and I...

And I hate to see mothers
exploiting their kids.

Not me. I'm a mother first,
and don't you forget it.

That's why I'm taking the girls
back to Seattle to my father's house.

So that June can go to the dentist
and Louise can get her tonsils out.

I knew you were a good mother.

You wanna know something?

I'm crazy for mothers.

Yeah? Anybody who likes mothers
so much should've been a father.

Oh, I never married.
I had five sisters...

...and the ugly one didn't get married
till a year ago. She's pregnant now.

I don't like dirty talk.

Oh, I apologize.

No need to.
You're a gent and I like gents.

That mean
you'd consider marrying again?

Oh, not me. I don't mean
for instance, but anybody?

After three husbands it takes a lot of
butter to get you back in the frying pan.

How much butter, Rose?

All depends on who's dishing it out.

This time he'd have to be
in the profession.

Why?

After 20 years of show business...

No, you kind of breathe
better in the real world.

- Funny.
- What?

Us.

I like you, but I don't want marriage.

You like me, you don't want
show business.

Well, that seems to leave you there...

...and me here.

Oh, now, that depends
on how you look at it.

You look at
what we don't have...

...I look at what we do have.

Funny

You're a stranger who's come here

Come from another town

Funny

I'm a stranger myself here

Small world, isn't it?

Funny

You're a man who goes travelin'

Rather than settlin' down

Funny

'Cause I love to go travelin'

Small world, isn't it?

We have so much in common

It's a phenomenon

We could pool our resources

By joining forces from now on

Lucky

You're a man who likes children

That's an important sign

Lucky

I'm a woman with children

Small world, isn't it?

Funny

Isn't it?

Small and funny

And fine

Sometimes it's a real
fine world, Rose...

...like tonight.

Yeah, but there's tomorrow.

Tomorrow I gotta get those kids
on a train...

...and gee, Herbie,
how they hate trains.

Where is your next stop?

Working my way east
to Chicago, the home oddice.

Chicago?

Do you know Mr. Weber
of the Weber Theater?

- Sure do.
- Well, he likes kid acts.

- Maybe you could talk to him.
- Be a cinch.

Might also be a cinch
for me to drive you...

...and your beautiful family to Seattle.

I couldn't ask you to go
out of your way.

Why not? Seattle's practically
just a hop, skip and a jump...

...and I wouldn't mind a hop, skip and a
jump if you sit in the front seat with me.

And I like company,
especially children.

You like kumquat, fortune cookies?

- No. No, I want the check now, though.
- Yes, sir.

I have a suggestion.

If you'd like to test my driving...

...hop into the flivver and I'll show
you the view from Lookout Mountain.

Sure, Herbie.
Just wait till I get my hat...

...and my hatpin.

So everything was coming up roses.

Herbie drove us
all the way to Seattle.

It was a pleasure to have
a man behind the wheel.

All right, let's face it,
it was a pleasure to have a man.

This is the end of the line, Rose.
I'll sure be missing you all a lot.

I owe you a little money
for lunches and stuff.

- Mark it on ice.
- Grandpa! Grandpa!

Hello, sweethearts.

- Hello, Grandpa.
- I've been worried crazy.

You worry too much, Pa.

I want you to meet
Mr. Sommers...

...who's a big gentleman
in the candy game.

Herbie, this is my father.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance.
- Glad to meet you.

Did the express company
deliver our valises?

Yeah, to the station, collect.

Pa was the head of the baggage room
at the King Street Station.

Pa also plays the piano.
Could have been a pro.

You just stop with that
show talk, Rose.

Guess I'll be shoving.

- Abyssinia, Rose.
- Abyssinia, Herbie.

- Abyssinia, kids.
- Abyssinia, Herbie.

Abyssinia.

Abyssinia. More show talk.

- Goodbye, Rose.
- So long, Herbie.

"Act opens, Weber Theater, Chicago.

Split-week, beginning April 20th.
Three hundred dollars.

Agreement calls for four boys
and two girls.

Confirm and rush photos.
Kindest personal regards. Love, Herbie.

P.S. Don't forget four boys."

Four boys. I gotta teach that Herbie
not to be so pig-headed.

I think Herbie's right, Ma.
Boys would be good in the act.

But they better have talent!

Hey, whose act is this?

All we gotta do is get some dollars
to get to Chicago.

Give me the jewelry, kids.

Mama, do we have to stay
in show business?

- Hurry up, darling, hurry.
- Honest, Louise!

How are you going to get
the boys, Mama?

Oh, we'll get them.
Louise can be a boy.

We got that jigging kid from Klamath
Falls. Herbie and I will get the others.

Gee, how are we gonna pay them?

Experience will be their pay.
If I can hock this studd...

...I can get a down payment
for costumes and scenery.

We gotta squeeze
money out of Grandpa...

...then we'll be on our way
to the big time.

I gotta get that REO I saw for sale
for 88 simoleons.

- Pa? Oh, Pa?
- Yeah?

Maybe you think I don't know you ain't
been conniving behind my back.

I didn't wanna tell you until it was sure.
We're booked, Pa.

I got almost enough for incidentals
and I know you'll put up the rest.

- Oh, bunk.
- Something wonderful's gonna happen.

Bunk.

I've had a dream, Pa.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,
fooling our kids with those dreams?

They're real, and I'm gonna make
them come real for my kids.

What are you, a crazy woman?

Heaven put you right down here because
it meant for you to stay right here.

Heaven helps those who help
themselves. And I need your help.

You've squeezed the last penny
out of me you're ever gonna.

It's too late for me.
It's for my kids.

It's not too late for you
to get a husband to support you.

After three husbands,
I'm through with marriage.

I wanna enjoy myself.
I want my girls to enjoy themselves.

And travel, like Mama does.

Yeah, and you'll leave them
just like your mother left you.

Never.

I don't want them to sit their lives away
the way I did, and the way you do.

Nothing but a calendar to tell
you one day is didderent from the next.

And that plaque.

From your grateful railroad company
to say congratulations.

For 50 years you did the same dull thing
every dull day.

That plaque is a great tribute.

It's solid gold.

Yeah?

- How much could you get for it?
- Rose, if you...

- What good's it doing hanging there?
- That plaque belongs there.

Now, you belong home instead of
running around the country like a gypsy.

Anybody that stays home is dead.

If I die it won't be from sitting...

...it'll be from fighting to get up
and get out.

Some people can get a thrill

Knitting sweaters and sitting still

That's okay for some people

Who don't know they're alive

Some people can thrive and bloom

Living life in a living room

That's perfect for some people

Of 105

But I at least gotta try

When I think of all the sights
That I gotta see yet

All the places I gotta play

All the things that I gotta be yet

Come on, Papa, what do you say?

Some people can be content

Playing bingo and paying rent

That's peachy for some people

For some humdrum people to be

But some people ain't me

I had a dream

A wonderful dream, Papa

All about June
And the Orpheum Circuit

Give me a chance
And I know I can work it

I had a dream

Just as real as can be, Papa

There I was in Mr. Orpheum's office

And he was saying to me

"Rose,
Get yourself some new orchestrations

New routines and red velvet curtains

Get a feathered hat for the baby

Photographs in front of the theater

Get an agent, and in jig time
You'll be being booked in the big time"

Oh, what a dream

A wonderful dream, Papa

And all that I need is 88 bucks, Papa

That's what he said, Papa

Only 88 bucks

You ain't getting
8 cents from me, Rose.

Well, I'll get it someplace else, then.
But I'll get it, and I'll get my kids out.

Goodbye to blueberry pie

Good riddance to all the socials
I had to go to

All the lodges I had to play

All the Shriners I said hello to
Hey, New York, I'm coming your way

Some people sit on their butts

Got the dream, yeah, but not the guts

That's living for some people

For some humdrum people
I suppose

Well, they can stay and rot

But not Rose

We blew into the Windy City
to break in our new flash act.

Herbie, making out like Uncle Jocko,
got us the boys.

The only thing that bugged me
was our spot on the bill...

...following some
unknown stand-up comic.

My girl was so dumb she was fired
from the 5-and-10 cent store...

...because
she couldn't remember the prices.

And her uncle... She's got an uncle.

I won't say that he drank too much,
you see...

...but two years after he died,
his liver won a Charleston contest.

How about that one, huh?

Well, listen.
I can't go any bigger than that...

...so good night, folks.
I'll be seeing you soon.

Well, let's see your kids follow that.

- What a ham.
- Yeah.

He'll never get anyplace.

Extra, extra
Hey, look at the headline

Historical news is being made

Extra, extra
They're drawing a red line

Around the biggest scoop
Of the decade

A barrel of charm
A fabulous thrill

The biggest little headline in vaudeville

Presenting in person

That 3'3" bundle of dynamite

Baby June

Hello, everybody.

My name is June. What's yours?

Let me entertain you

Let me make you smile
Let me do a few tricks

Some old and then some new tricks
I'm very versatile

And if you're real good
I'll make you feel good

I want your spirits to climb

So let me entertain you

And we'll have a real good time
Yes, sir

We'll have a real good time

Mr. Conductor, if you please.

Well, was I right about June,
or was I right?

In the next couple of years,
she killed the people on the big time.

We were Dainty June now,
and we headlined the Orpheum Circuit.

Boy, was I ever happy.

My dream was in high gear.

But after a while,
the booking offices were in low.

Instead of 52 weeks solid the next year,
we signed for only 44.

And the following season,
we laid off as much as we played.

But we worked more than most.

Like this split-week
Herbie booked in Newark.

Newark is in New Jersey...

...and New Jersey is only
one big, deep breath from New York.

And in New York
was Grantziger's Tivoli.

And that was my real big dream.

But did you ever notice?
Something's always waking you up.

It ain't even noon yet. Turn it off.

- Please.
- Turn it off, Plug.

Oh, was that the alarm?

No, it was Major Bowes
and you just got the gong.

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Louise.
Happy birthday, Louise.

Wild Indians.
Wild Indians, that's what you are.

Happy birthday, darling.

- Come on, come on, make a wish.
- Yeah.

Oh, I wish... Oh, Mama, I wish...

That greedy monkey
ate a piece out of the cake.

Bad Gigolo. Bad, bad, bad.

Blow out the candles, Louise.

Say, that'd make a good coat.

Hey, there's only 10 candles
on this cake.

What do you care?
You're not eating candles.

Yeah, but she only had
10 candles last year...

...and the year before that.
Come to think of it...

...she's had 10 candles for the last...
- Stop right there.

As long as we have this act,
nobody is over 12.

And you all know it.
Except me, of course.

The rest of you give Louise her presents
while I see if the chow mein is warm.

Chow mein?

- It's my birthday.
- But chow mein for breakfast?

Why not?
There's an egg roll, isn't there?

If your mother paid us a salary...

...we could've all
bought you presents, Louise.

But it's more fun
to clip from the five-and-dime, anyway.

It's a catcher's mitt
and a big-league baseball.

Gee, thanks, Yonkers.

I clipped a bowl of goldfish,
but they caught me.

So I drew a fish instead.

- It's beautiful.
- Here, Louise.

Oh, June.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

Gee, what a beautiful box.

Oh, it's lined in velvet.

Sure, it's for diamonds and like that...

...because someday,
who knows, you might get some.

It's beautiful. Thank you.

Here, I should have wrapped it.
It's a chicken and it plays music.

You don't have to wrap
a music box, Tulsa.

- Well, happy birthday, Plug.
- Happy birthday, Tulsa.

I mean, you're welcome.

All right, only one egg roll apiece.

I counted them. No more.

Take it easy, take it easy.
Don't claw each other to death.

Now, I wanna tell you
about a dream I had.

It's in your honor, Louise,
coming on your birthday.

Oh, baby, you'll love it. You all will.

Children, it's a new act.

That ain't a dream, it's a miracle.

In this act, I saw June singing a song
in, like, a barnyard.

And then, a cow came on-stage.

- A cow?
- That's pretty sophisticated.

Not a real cow. Sort of a dancing cow
with a great big smile.

That cow...

That cow leaned right over my bed
and spoke to me.

What did the cow say?

- Mrs. Hovick.
- I am not cooking in here, Mr. Kringelein.

- That cow, in front of...
- Open the door.

I'm dressing. That cow...

- Mrs. Hovick.
- I'll call you tomorrow when I'm finished.

- Now, about that cow. That cow...
- Mrs. Hovick.

- That dear talented cow
looked me right in the eye and said:

"Rose, if you wanna get back
on the Orpheum Circuit...

...you put me in your act."
Children, you know what I'm gonna do?

You're gonna pay that talented cow
and not us.

I'm not paying anybody.
I'm taking that cow's advice.

I'm gonna call the new act
Dainty June and Her Farmboys.

I'm gonna put the cow in the act, and
Chowsie, and the monkey. Everybody.

Let me tell you this, kids.
This is real big time.

I really had an inspiration.

No cooking, Mrs. Hovick.

The very idea of entering
a woman's boudoir without knocking.

- Where's your hot plate?
- How dare you?

- Where's your search warrant?
- In my years of running a hotel...

If you don't leave, your name will be
mud through the theatrical profession.

You know the rules. No cooking.

No Sterno stoves. No percolators.

No electric irons turned upside down.
No dogs and no...

Happy birthday, darling.

This is Herbie's
birthday present to you.

- Why, it's a damned zoo!
- Profanity in front of my babies.

June, get the Bible. Get the Bible.
Will I report you to the Board of Health!

And my friends. Hello, Gladys.

You can pack up this menagerie
and get out.

You'll have to throw us out,
you heartless animal hater.

- That's what he is. Send for the SPCA.
- Send for the police.

Why, I rented this producer's suite
to one adult and three children.

Now I see one adult
and one, two, three, four...

You counted him twice.
It's a simple birthday party for my child.

- One, two, three, four. Stand still.
- Chow mein. I'd offer you some...

...but there's only one egg roll.
- One, two, three, four, five...

- How many are sleeping in these rooms?
- What room?

- This room, madam. This room.
- Why, there isn't a soul...

- Now, you know what I mean.
- Except you and me, honey.

Ah! Mr. Kringelein,
what are you trying to do?

Stop! Help, help!
Mr. Kringelein, stop! Help!

- Oh, my babies.
- Mama.

A peeping tom. A monster.

- Oh, my babies. My babies.
- Get her some water, Tulsa.

Oh, Gladys,
a simple little birthday party.

Chow mein. A tiny little cake.

Thank you, darling.
Oh, can you imagine? Ooh...

These dangerous middle-aged men.

You never know what brutes
you're gonna meet up with in...

- Rose, what happened?
- Mr. Kringelein, the manager, he tried...

- Again?
- Well, I had to do something, Herbie.

And don't you dare apologize to him.

I hope it didn't spoil Louise's birthday.

Why should it? Thank you very much.

- Back to your rooms, now.
- Yes, thank you. Thank you.

- You too.
- No.

- Rose, this is Mr. Goldstone.
- I ask you, Mr. Goldstone.

The child has a birthday once a year.
We have a small party, a tiny cake...

The act is booked at
Grantziger's Tivoli Theater.

- Some fried rice,
and some sub gum chow... What?

Mr. Goldstone
puts on the Grantziger shows.

He practically has the last word.

All we do is show the act
to Mr. Grantziger...

...and Mr. Goldstone
says that's a cinch.

Have an egg roll, Mr. Goldstone

Have a napkin
Have a chopstick, have a chair

Have a sparerib, Mr. Goldstone

Any sparerib that I can spare
I'd be glad to share

Have a dish, have a fork
Have a fish, have a pork

Put your feet up, feel at home

Have a smoke, have a Coke
Would you like to hear a joke?

I'll have June recite a poem

Have a lichee, Mr. Goldstone

Tell me any little thing that I can do

Ginger peachy, Mr. Goldstone

Have a kumquat, have two

Everybody give a cheer
Santa Claus is sitting here

Mr. Goldstone, I love you

Have a Goldstone, Mr. Egg Roll

Tell me any little thing that I can do

Have some fried rice, Mr. Soy Sauce

Have a cookie, have a few
What's the matter, Mr. G?

Have another pot of tea
Mr. Goldstone, I love you

There are good stones, and bad stones

And curbstones and Gladstones

And touchstones
And such stones as them

Such as them

There are big stones and small stones

And grindstones and gallstones

But Goldstone is a gem

There are milestones
There are millstones

There's a cherry
There's a yellow, there's a blue

But we don't want any old stone

Only Goldstone will do

Moonstone, sunstone
We all scream for one stone

Mervyn Goldstone, we love you

Goldstone!

Little lamb, little lamb

My birthday is here at last

Little lamb, little lamb

A birthday goes by so fast

Little bear, little bear

You sit on my right, right there

Little hen, little hen

What games should we play
And when?

Little cat, little cat

Oh, why do you look so blue?

Did somebody paint you like that

Or is it your birthday too?

Little fish, little fish

Do you think I'll get my wish?

Little lamb, little lamb

I wonder how old I am

Little lamb

The won ton soup
is better in San Francisco.

The fu yung
has more egg in it in St. Louis.

I will say for New York City,
it's got the best doggone...

...sub gum chicken chow mein
I ever did taste.

The onions are chopped good
and fine. Hand me that plate.

- Mother.
- We're paying for it, aren't we?

You'll get an ulcer like Herbie. Besides,
what the dogs don't eat, we will.

Did it ever occur to you
there might be somebody...

...who doesn't like Chinese food?
- Don't be silly. Who?

- You like it, Herbie?
- Of course, I love it.

- Oh, did she?
- Yes.

- That's a healthy lady.
- Oh, Lord.

Herbie's angry.
He's chain-smoking.

Herbie's never angry.
It's bad for his ulcer.

- Come on now, girls, beddy-bye.
- But it's so early.

Baby, tomorrow you're gonna
audition for Mr. T.T. Grantziger...

...and his Tivoli Theater.
You gotta look young.

- Can I wear a dress?
- Make you look old. You don't own one.

- Good night, Uncle Herbie.
- Good night, June.

- Good night, Louise.
- Good night, Herbie.

I'll cold-cream their faces
and be right back.

Rose, the hotel
is just two doors away.

Honestly, the way you behave
with those girls. Rose.

We need silverware for when we
set up housekeeping.

I don't get you. High
and mighty with a suite at the Astor...

...and still stealing the cutlery.
- Grasp every opportunity.

Oh, Herbie, how long is it gonna
take you to get used to me?

How long
to get used to those coats?

What's wrong with the coats? They're
stylish. Louise is very handy.

"An eye for an eye
and a tooth for a tooth."

And it serves them right
for overcharging.

They can skip the cold cream
for one night.

All this time,
you still stand up for me.

Well, it's instead of
standing up to you.

- Hope the babies'll be all right.
- No matter how you dress them...

...how you smother them,
they're not babies.

- They're almost young women.
- They're not and never will be.

I'm embarrassed
in front of them.

Why should you be?
You're almost their father.

- When are you going to marry me?
- Don't forget our scrapbooks.

- When are you going to quit stalling?
- When we're rolling in dough.

Don't you know
there's a depression?

Sure. I read Variety.

Don't you know what it's doing
to vaudeville?

What the talkies are doing to vaudeville?
Don't you know I love you?

Do you think I'd be unfaithful
to my husbands if you didn't?

- Gotta think of my girls, their happiness.
- Louise is happy...

...being front end of a cow.
- Better than the rear end.

- She and June should be in school.
- I promised June the Pantages Circuit.

- Honey, could I have a spoon to stir tea?
- Yes, ma'am.

I promised I'd get her
on the Orpheum Circuit.

- And I will.
- I will.

You promised me
that after I do you'd marry me.

I promised she'd be headliner
at the Tivoli. She's gonna be.

- Didn't you hear what I said?
- Yes, but I'm ignoring it.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Herbie, it isn't very polite of a gentleman
to remind a lady that she welched.

- There was no date on that promise.
- You stop handing me that.

- Rose, sometimes I could...
- Herbie, your stomach.

Oh, why on earth
don't you get angry on the outside...

...instead of let it settle on the inside?
- I'm afraid.

- Of me?
- No, me. Me.

Why?

If I ever let loose, it'll end up
with me picking up and walking.

- Only around the block.
- Oh, no.

Don't say that.

You'll never get away from me

You can climb the tallest tree
I'll be there somehow

True, you could say
"Hey, here's your hat"

But a little thing like that
Couldn't stop me now

I couldn't get away from you

Even if you told me to

So go on and try
Just try

And you're gonna see

How you're gonna not at all

Get away

From me

What do you want?
There are better managers.

Not for me.

- Even weaker men.
- Not for me.

- Well, then what?
- You.

Oh, Herbie, just go on helping me
like you've been helping.

So you get the Tivoli.
So, what comes after?

- Rose, what you expect...
- I'll get.

And after I get it
I promise to marry you.

I even promise to keep my promise.

Oh, Herbie, I don't want anything
to upset that audition tomorrow.

Including your stomach.

Yes, Mr. Grantziger.

I know, but they're having
a little diddiculty with their scenery.

Well, wait'll you see it.
I'm trying, Mr. Grantziger.

Keep the tempo up now.
Keep it bright.

That's the mother. I have told her.

Hello, Mr. Grantziger.
Where is he?

He's in his office
at the top of the theater.

- Hi!
- We're ready now.

It's a privilege to be auditioning for you,
Mr. Grantziger.

You're gonna love us.

Extra, extra
Hey, look at the headlines

Historical news is being made
Extra, extra

They're drawing a red line
Around the biggest scoop of the decade

A barrel of charm, a fabulous thrill
The biggest little headline in vaudeville

Presenting in person that 4'8"

Bundle of dynamite, Dainty June

Hello, everybody, my name is June.
What's yours?

I have a moo cow, a new cow
A true cow named Caroline

Moo-moo, moo-moo.

She's an extra special friend of mine

Moo-moo, moo-moo.

- I like everything about her fine
- Moo-moo, moo-moo.

But if we moved to the city

Or we settled by the shore

She'd make the move

'Cause she loves me more

Yes, Mr. Grantziger? Dainty June,
would you come out here, please?

Face front, dear.

Profile.

Yes, Mr. Grantziger.
Thank you.

- That's all.
- But we've got a big dramatic finale.

- Sure, but he's seen quite enough.
- Hit it. Hit it.

Broadway, Broadway
We've missed it so

We're leaving soon and taking June
To star her in a show

Bright light, white lights
Rhythm and romance

The train is late
So while we wait

We're gonna do a little dance

Straighten that line.

Broadway, Broadway
How great you are

I'll leave the farm
With all its charm

To be a Broadway star

Bright lights, white lights
Where the neons glow

My bag is packed
I've got my act

- So all aboard, come on, let's go
- Let's go

- Bye.
- Bye.

Get this. It's a train.
Whoo-whoo!

Goodbye, Caroline.
I'll write to you.

Don't forget to wire.

Goodbye, Caroline.
Goodbye.

Don't forget to wire. Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye. Wait.
Stop the train.

Stop everything.
I can't go to Broadway with you.

Why not, Dainty June?

Because everything in life
that really matters is right here.

What care I for tinsel and glamour...

...when I have friendship
and true love?

I'm staying with Caroline.

Yes, Mr. Grantziger? What?

- He liked it.
- Well, of course he did.

Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Grantziger,
if that's what you want.

If you and your tribe will come up
to the office, I'll make out a contract.

You won't be sorry, Mr. Grantziger.

This is gonna make you.

Miss Cratchitt, I believe
Mr. Grantziger made a mistake.

A slight mistake on this contract.

- So do I.
- See...

- Happy, girls?
- Yes, Mama.

We were auditioning for Tivoli. This
contract's for Mr. Grantziger's Variety.

- That's right.
- But the Variety is on 12th Street.

He'll give you a visa to get there.

- Yes?
- I'd like to talk to Mr. Grantziger.

- No.
- You can't disturb Mr. Grantziger, honey.

- Listen.
- I'm through listening.

Where is he?

He's still auditioning on the stage.

How is it that when we're there
he's here...

...and when we're up here,
he's down there?

Mr. Grantziger is a very clever man.

I'll go see if he's down
on that stage.

- This the way?
- No. No, Rose. Wait.

- We will wait right here.
- Herbie.

Look, friend, strictly between us,
if I were you I'd sign that contract.

There's only one item in that act
of yours that the boss likes.

Dainty little June.
He thinks she can be an actress.

Musical comedy, Broadway,
that sort of stuff.

And he's right.
Now, that's great, isn't it, Rose?

On one condition.

You stay away.

- Stay away? I'm her mother.
- You said it, I didn't.

- What about the act?
- One week at the Variety.

- After that? June is the act.
- Rose...

...this has to be private,
not in front of strangers.

- How are Louise and I supposed to live?
- You might get a job, dear.

I have a job, dear.
And I do it damn well.

Mama, this would be better
than vaudeville for June, and for us.

Nothing is better than vaudeville.

Was. Was better than vaudeville.
Where are your values?

Motherhood comes first.

Then you ought to see that this is right.
You'll have June on the stage.

I will take care of you and Louise
and we'll live like real people.

Rose, this way
we can have our cake and eat it too.

Your cake.

Besides, June wouldn't start
all over again like some beginner.

Ask her, Mama, ask her.

Yes. Oh, Mama, yes.
Please say yes.

I want to learn, to work. I'll try so hard
to make you proud of me, Mama.

Say yes, Mama.

No.

And I am proud of you, baby.
And you don't need lessons any more...

...than you need Mr. Grantziger.
- There isn't a person...

...who doesn't need Grantziger.
- Look at this person.

- Oh, Rose.
- They're so smart in New York.

New York is the center of everything.

New York is the center of New York.

There's a country full of people
who know people...

...who know what a mother means to
her daughter. Hicks don't.

Let me tell you.
Grantziger's a hick. He'll get no place.

- Do you hear me? Keep still.
- Yes?

Don't you dare answer that phone
when I'm yelling at you.

- Did you hear?
- They're trying to take my baby.

That's what they're trying to do.
Over my dead body.

- Come on, we'll go down and tell him.
- Just a minute, Mrs. Hovick.

Mrs. Hovick! Mrs. Hovick!

Don't worry, kids.

I will read her the Declaration
of Independence, believe me.

It's not your fault, Herbie,
it's just the way it is.

Well, I'm gonna try
to change the way it is. Just you wait.

No.

Mama's just talking angry, June.

- She won't really spoil anything.
- Yes, she will.

I'll never be anything but baby.
Dainty old Baby June.

Well, aren't you happy that
somebody like Mr. T.T. Grantziger...

...thinks you can be a real actress?

I would be happy if Mama
would only see what this means to me.

I'm going to be awfully unhappy
remembering how I lost this chance.

Mama made you a vaudeville star.

- And she can do it again.
- Vaudeville is gone, Louise.

It's over. The only show business left
is right here, on Broadway.

I wanna learn to be part of it...

...part of this kind of show business.

Oh, you can be anything you want.

You were born for this business.

You're a real stage personality.

You're really wonderful, Louise.

I am? Why?

Because, well, I don't know.

When it comes to the act,
you never worry about yourself...

...only for me.

Well, I don't have any talent.

Doesn't really matter.

It's just that Mama
would like it better if I did.

Your mother isn't feeling well.
I'm gonna take her back to the hotel.

Don't worry, kids.
I'll figure something out.

More than ever,
I wish Mama would marry Herbie.

And then we could all be together.

If Mama was married
We'd live in a house

As private as private can be

Just Mama, three ducks
Five canaries, a mouse

Two monkeys, one father
Six turtles and me

If Mama was married

If Mama was married
I'd jump in the air

And give all my toe shoes to you

I'd get all these hair ribbons
Out of my hair

And once and for all
I'd get Mama out too

If Mama was married

Mama, get out your white dress

You've done it before

Without much success

- Mama, Godspeed and God bless
- Mama, Godspeed and God bless

We're not keeping score

- What's one more or less?
- What's one more or less?

- Oh, Mama, say yes
- Oh, Mama, say yes

- And waltz down the aisle while you may
- And waltz down the aisle while you may

I'll gladly support you
I'll even escort you

And I'll gladly give you away

- Oh, Mama, get married today
- Oh, Mama, get married today

If Mama was married
There wouldn't be anymore:

"Let me entertain you"

- "Let me make you smile"
- "Let me make you smile"

"I will do some kicks"

"I will do some tricks"

Sing out, Louise.

Smile, baby.

- Mama, please take our advice
- Mama, please take our advice

We aren't the Lunts

I'm not Fanny Brice

- Mama, we'll buy you the rice
- Mama, we'll buy you the rice

- If only this once
- If only this once

- You wouldn't think twice
- You wouldn't think twice

- It could be so nice
- It could be so nice

- If Mama got married to stay
- If Mama got married to stay

- But Mama gets married
- But Mama gets married

- And married
- And married

- And never gets carried away
- And never gets carried away

- Oh, Mama
- Oh, Mama

- Get married today
- Get married today

How do you like those kids?

They knew darn well I'd marry Herbie
at the right time and place.

But 12th Street
sure wasn't what I had in mind.

So what if the act
is a little shabby right now?

Instead of buying longer costumes,
I'm gonna get shorter boys.

And that goes for Tulsa too.

All that jigging.

Say, that's pretty fancy footwork,
Tulsa.

Why don't you show it
to Mrs. Hovick?

It's just fooling around.

Oh, well, you started fooling around
about three months ago.

He had to do something
during the layoffs.

Oh. I thought you were worried about
the act. The way things are picking up...

...I wouldn't be surprised
if you kids got paid.

Things are looking so good, I might even
treat you to an ice-cream soda.

No, thank you.

It's on me.

Baby Ruth? Butterfinger?

Well, Mama doesn't like us
to eat just before a show.

We don't always have to do what your
mama likes, do we, Louise?

Herbie?

Oh, nothing.

Tulsa, if you and the boys have any
problems, just bring them to me, huh?

Sure, Herbie.

You can't blame him for trying
to act like a big shot.

Everybody knows he's just a stooge.

He is not.

I mean, we all depend on him.

I like Herbie. We all do.

You didn't tell him, did you? I mean
that you're rehearsing for a team?

How did you know I was?

I saw you practicing after the matinee.

- I was up in the fly.
- Louise!

Oh, I wouldn't tell anybody,
Tulsa, honest.

I'm very secretive. Just like you.

Look.

See?

That's what that means in your palm.

And this means
that you make up dreams.

Just like me. See?

And what do you
make up dreams about, Louise?

People.

I do that too.

Yes, but yours are about a partner
for your act.

Oh, she's gonna be more
than a partner, I hope.

I mean, I dream.

Well, you know.

What would she
have to be like, Tulsa?

A real wonderful dancer
and a singer, I guess.

Oh, no, I'm gonna do most of that.
I don't mean I'm gonna hog it all...

...but, well, they always
look at the girl in a dance team.

Especially if she's pretty.

Makeup could help, and costumes.

I've got the costumes all figured out.
A blue satin tux for me.

With rhinestone lapels?

- You think?
- I'll sew them on.

Okay. Thanks.

Well, you see, I pretend...
Oh, this is a mirror.

I take a comb and comb my hair.

Take a flower...

...smell it and put it in my lapel.

And then I spot the audience.

Once my clothes were shabby

Tailors called me Cabbie
So I took a vow

Said, "This bum'll be Beau Brummell"

Now I'm smooth and snappy

Now my tailor's happy

I'm the cat's meow

My wardrobe is a wow

Paris silk

Harris tweed

There's only one thing I need

Got my tweed pressed

Got my best vest

All I need now

Is the girl

Got my striped tie

Got my hopes high

Got the time and the place

And I got rhythm

Now all I need's a girl
To go with them

If she'll just appear

We'll take this big town for a whirl

And if she'll say

"My darling, I'm yours"

I'll throw away my striped tie

And my best pressed tweed

All I really need is the girl

I start easy, you see?

Now I'm more debonair.

Break.

And I sell it here.

I start this step, see.

And then I build it.

And now I double it.

She appears all in white.

I take her hand...

...and I kiss it...

...and lead her on the floor.

This step is good for the costume.

Astaire bit.

Now we waltz

Strings come in

Then I lift her.

Again.

Once more.

And now the tempo changes...

...and all the lights come up.

And I build for the finale.

Louise, that's it. Over here.

Give me your hand.

Now follow me.

That's it, Louise.

Now do it faster.

That's it. Charleston front.

Do it again.

Turn.

Louise.

So okay, they keep on making garages
out of vaudeville houses...

...and bowling alleys
and stuff like that.

But kill vaudeville?

Did you ever hear such banana oil?

There was still Omaha.

So we were a smash, like usual...

...and then made tracks for
a sensational engagement in Dallas.

As we waited for the train,
I was high.

Just had a feeling everything
was gonna be dipsy-doodle.

You know how you are sometimes.

There's just something in the air.

Say, have you guys
seen Louise and June?

- And why is everyone late tonight?
- We'd like to talk to you, Herbie.

Let me find out
whether the train's on time.

Is the southbound train on schedule?

Well, I wouldn't say it is
and I wouldn't say it ain't.

But you got time for a bowl of chili.

Thanks.

We have a short wait.
Why don't you get a cup of java?

We ain't going, we're quitting.

Come on, Tulsa.
You've been threatening that for years.

- It's the truth.
- We're not kidding.

No, sir.

Tell her, Herbie.

The boys are kind of unhappy.
Nothing serious. I'll straighten it out.

- You can't straighten it out.
- Mrs. Hovick, we're finished.

We want our railroad tickets and
we're going in the other direction.

- You're walking out on the act?
- They don't mean anything of the kind.

They're kids, and every
once in a while they get upset.

Well, when they get upset,
I get upset and I don't like it.

So shut your traps.

Now, where are June and Louise?

Never should've
let them go to the movies.

But they're so crazy
about that John Gilbert.

Mrs. Hovick, you've got to believe us.

It's nothing personal,
but we're quitting the act.

I told you in Klamath Falls I didn't want
boys. Boys are troublemakers.

- I wanted girls all the time.
- But we got boys, Rose.

Just let me talk to them, will you?

Now, look, fellas, Angie...

...I've always been your friend. Listen.

Now, don't lower yourself
to argue, Herbie.

These rats wanna quit
the act, let them quit.

They want railroad tickets,
give them bus tickets.

- What's keeping those girls?
- We got time.

Now, look, fellas...

...I know that we've had layoffs...
- It isn't that, Herbie, we're too old.

Would you be too old...

...if we could see our way clear
to increasing your salary?

Increase what salary?

- Herbie's been paying us...
- Moron!

How long will it take you
to get used to me, Rose?

Button your coat.

Ingrates. You take bread
out of that man's mouth...

...and spit in his face.
As the Lord says...

...good riddance to bad rubbish.
Give them tickets.

They were sloughing the act anyway.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks, Herbie.

Oh, we'd also like Joe's ticket.

Joe's leaving too?

- That leaves us just with Jerry.
- Well, not exactly.

Jerry's already gone. On his own.

Where you been? Where's the baby?

You let her stay for the second show?

No, Mama, we didn't go to the show.

I've been looking for the baby
all over the place.

I finally went back to the hotel...

...and the room clerk gave me this.

- What's she writing for?
- I don't know.

- What's in it?
- I'll read it to you, Mama.

I can read my own letters, thank you.

"Mama: I've had a dream. Me.

My dream was like a nightmare, Mama.
I dreamed I was a very old lady...

...but I was still Dainty June,
still doing the same old act.

I was so ashamed of myself,
I ran away, Mama.

From the act, from you,
from your dreams...

...because they only made you happy.
If I want a dream of my own...

...my very own,
I have to be like you, Mama.

I have to fight for it.

I started toward my dream
three weeks ago in between shows. I...

I married Jerry."

"Please don't worry about me, Mama.

Maybe I'm enough like you
to make my dream come true...

...to grow up and be a real actress.

I'll always love you
and Louise, Mama...

...and I'll always be grateful to Herbie.

June."

When did they leave?

- Did she tell you where they were going?
- No. Nothing. Honest.

I'll call the cops.

They'll find them, Rose,
and bring them back.

Herbie, I don't think
you should call the cops.

It's gotta be against the law
for a 13-year-old to be marrying.

Rose, she must have lied
about her age.

I'm gonna call the police.

I'd better get her ammonia.
I think it's in her valise.

Can I use your phone?
I gotta call the police.

This little girl, underage,
who married a boy...

- How old are they?
- The girl's 13.

The boy is 17, 18.

Well, there's nothing illegal
about that in this state.

It's legal for a girl at 12
and legal for a boy at 16.

This is pioneer country
and we've never changed the law.

- I still wanna call the cops.
- Well, come on in.

You won't hear any different
from them than from me.

Could we have the tickets?
We gotta go.

- The police department.
- I fixed up an act of my own...

- Get moving.
- Don't be sore, Herbie.

It ain't our fault the act's washed up.

Goodbye, Herbie.

Hey, fellas, good luck.

- Thanks, Herbie.
- Thanks.

Good luck to you too, Herbie.

Good luck, Louise.

Come on, Yonkers.

Goodbye, Louise.

Goodbye?

- You mean you're all going away?
- Yeah, all of us.

Gee, I'm sick about it,
but I gotta think of my future.

Why didn't you tell me, Tulsa?

Like you once said, Louise,
it's in my palm.

I keep secrets the way you do.

Listen, I would've loved June
to be my partner.

I know.

- You'll find another one.
- And what will you do, Louise?

Well, I hope we run into
each other again.

Maybe we'll even play
on the same bill.

Yeah. Maybe.

You're a great girl.
You're the cat's whiskers.

That's what we all say.
You're just like one of the boys.

Yeah, that's me, all right,
one of the boys.

Thank you, Tulsa.

I just talked to the authorities.

There's no way we can get June back.

What are we gonna do?

Rose.

Rose. Honey, listen.

I'm still in the candy business.

It's steady, 52 weeks a year,
every year.

I'll be a district manager,
we can stay put...

...have a home of our own.
Louise can go to school.

Rose?

Rose.

Rose, you still got Herbie.

You can marry me and
I promise you won't have...

...one single worry for the rest
of your life. Rose, don't you want that?

Yes.

Oh, Mama, say yes.

- Herbie?
- You read palms, I read minds. It's okay.

It's all gonna be fine now, honey.

Everything happens for the best.
Okay, so the act is finished...

...but you and me and our daughter,
we're gonna have a home of our own.

Say, we even got a cow
for the backyard.

We're gonna be the best damned
homebodies you ever saw.

The boys walked because
they think the act's finished.

They think we're nothing.

Well, let them walk.

Let them all walk.
I don't need any of them.

They needed me.

I'm used to people walking out.

When my own mother did it,
I cried for a week.

Your father did it.

Then the man I married
after him did it.

Well, this time I'm not crying.

Because I don't need any of them.

I'm the electricity.

I was always the electricity.
Who made the act?

I made it. And I can make it again.
And I will, I swear I will.

This time I'm gonna do it for you.

This time I'm gonna
make you a star, baby.

We're gonna have all new costumes,
all new people, all new everything.

It's like being born all over again.

We got everything ahead of us.
Take a look at our new star.

- Rose.
- Look at her, look at her. You're right.

This is today and everything else
is yesterday's mashed potatoes.

Finished?

Why, we're just beginning.

And this time nothing's
gonna stop us.

I had a dream

A dream about you, baby

It's gonna come true, baby

They think that we're through

But, baby

You'll be swell, you'll be great

Gonna have the whole world
On a plate

Starting here, starting now

Honey, everything's coming up roses

Clear the decks, clear the tracks

You got nothing to do but relax

Blow a kiss, take a bow

Honey, everything's coming up roses

Now's your inning

Stand the world on its ear

Set it spinning

That'll be just the beginning

Curtain up, light the lights

You've got nothing to hit
But the heights

You'll be swell, you'll be great

I can tell, just you wait

That lucky star I talk about is due

Honey, everything's coming up roses

For me and for you

You can do it

All you need is a hand

We can do it

Mama is gonna see to it

Curtain up, light the lights

We got nothing to hit but the heights

I can tell, wait and see

There's the bell, follow me

And nothing's gonna stop us
Till we're through

Honey, everything's coming up
Roses and daffodils

Everything's coming up sunshine
And Santa Claus

Everything's gonna be
Bright lights and lollipops

Everything's coming up roses

For me and for you

No. Oh, no.

That's not right, Louise.
That's not right.

Sing out, Louise, sing out.

Let Mr. Ziegfeld hear you.

I got it.

I had another dream.

Instead of boys we'll use girls.

And you know the cow in the act?

It's not gonna be a cow anymore,
it's gonna be a bull.

So it's gonna be a bull.

Nice bull. It's a good idea.

And you're gonna be the bullfighter.

And you know what? We're calling
the act "Madame Rose's Toreadorables."

Now all we need is the girls.

Yes, Mama.

All we need is the girls.

How are we gonna get them?

We'll get them, Uncle Jocko.

Herbie did the Uncle Jocko bit again...

...and got us six girls for the act,
semitalented.

I didn't like the dough
going out for hotels...

...so I discovered
the Army and Navy stores.

Surplus tents, for instance.

- Ready, Louise?
- Yes, Mama.

- Ready, girls?
- Yes, Madam Rose.

Remember, you mustn't be
discouraged by the past.

You're artists of the theater.

Madam Rose's Toreadorables.

- Extra! Extra!
- Extra! Extra!

Hey, look at the headlines
Historical news is being made

'Is being... ' Sing out.

- Extra, extra!
- Extra!

They're drawing a red line
Around the biggest scoop of the decade

In the decade

A barrel of charm
A fabulous thrill

- The biggest little headline in vaudeville
- In vaudeville

Presenting in person

- That 5'3" bundle of dynamite
- Sell it.

- Sell it, girls!
- Senorita Louise

Well, come on, Louise, come on.

Olé, everybody.
My name's Louise, what's yours?

Well, it's coming along.

Mama.

- I'm just no good at it.
- Now, now, now, don't be silly.

All right, girls, let's try the finish.

They'll forgive you anything
if you've got a strong finish.

You're late.

Now, girls, let's make it stirring.

Pick up your feet, Louise,
pick them up. Up, up.

I guess they're tired.

All right, girls, over to your tents.
Get ready for bed.

Good night, Louise.

- Good night.
- But it's still light.

Don't argue, go to bed.

And don't forget
to write your mothers for money.

How'd it go in town?

Not even a benefit.

There're too un-American down here,
that's what.

We better talk about heading north,
soon as I tell the girls their bedtime story.

Rose, why do you make Louise
wear that wig in the act?

Makes her look more like...

...a star.

- And why do you keep the cow?
- Herbie, if that cow goes, I go.

The act can be fixed.

If I was doing it for her sister,
I'd have it all set.

But you're not.

And I'm not my sister.

She doesn't expect you to be.

Mama, I love you so much
and I've tried hard as I could...

...but the act is rotten
and I'm rotten in it.

How do you like that? Typical of a kid.

- Mama, I've been wanting to say this...
- Always impatient.

- Mama...
- A few break-in dates...

...don't go so good...
- I'm not blond.

And I'm not my sister
and I just can't do what she did.

- She's not asking you to.
- Maybe you wanna...

...stay in show business.
- Maybe? Why, it's our whole lives.

It's what we've been working for
ever since you were born.

Oh, honey, maybe I have been on
the wrong track about your material...

...but I'll find out what you do best.

The Lord says, "You gotta
take the rough with the smooth."

And you're lucky. You were born lucky,
because you're not alone, see?

- Right, Herbie?
- Right.

You know, we could get a nice refund
on this if we'd ever paid for it.

How about getting peroxide
and a carton of toothbrushes?

What for, Herbie?

Make them all blonds.

- I was only joking.
- So was I, honey.

But why not do it?

- Louise, they're just children.
- They're young girls, Mama.

With blond hair, they could be pretty.

With a stretch, it might work.
Jazz up the act, make it easier to sell.

We could call it
"Madam Rose and her Blond Babies."

- "Baby Blonds."
- No, nothing with babies.

- Hollywood Blonds.
- Yes.

All blonds except you,
because you're the star.

If I'm the star then it should be
Louise and her Hollywood Blonds.

Rose Louise
and her Hollywood Blonds.

Okay.

Well, I told you everything
would come up lollipops.

Herbie got us a two-week date.

And we were paid minimum plus,
guaranteed in advance...

...at the Wichita Opera House.
We were on our way up again.

Nothing can stop Rose, nothing.

Okay, okay, kill the traveler!
That's right, trim it. Okay.

That's right.

- It's a real live theater.
- With a real live stage.

- Don't you love it?
- Oh, Marjorie May, We've arrived at last.

- Louise, look!
- Look, Louise, look.

A real live theater.

Just like opening-day rehearsals
used to be.

- Mama's gonna love it.
- Will you kill them floods?

Will you shut your face?

- She isn't gonna love that.
- Or that.

Slave, my fiddle.

What the hey?

- What kind of an act is that?
- Yeah.

Okay, jailbait,
you the Hollywood Blonds?

- Yes. I was...
- You're late.

- Oh, our car broke down and...
- Skip it. Some of you dogs can use...

...that room, and the rest that one.
The first you share with Tessie Tura...

...the Texas Twirler.
- My mother doesn't...

The second, Mazeppa,
Revolutions in Dance.

- Now shake it up, will you?
- Well...

So...

...you're the act that's supposed to
keep the cops out, huh?

Boy, you must be lousy.

- It's a real live theater, all right.
- He reminds me of my brother.

Don't start sniveling.

Amanda, take the cow and anything else
into that first dressing room.

Take the girls
into that second room...

- ...and start unpacking, huh?
- I wanna go home.

Look at this.

That Tessie Tura
must be a very fancy lady.

She must also be a pig.

Louise?

- Louise?
- In here, Mama. Oh.

- Let me help you, Mama.
- Baby, we're back in the theater.

We're back in a real live theater.

Mama, I think we ought to
talk to Herbie.

- Really think we ought to.
- He went to check our billing.

Oh, good morning.
Good morning, I...

It ain't weighted right.

It scratches the devil out of me
and it just don't bump when I do.

Maybe there's something wrong
with your bumper.

Big joke.

I'm out there bumping my brains off
with no action and she's being witty.

Hey, you with the neck.

I paid 6 bucks for that costume.
Now back where you found it.

Yes, ma'am.

- Get the bags, the cow, the props.
- Mama...

You don't know what people are
on stage, what kind of theater this is.

- Yes, I do. It's a house of burlesque.
- A house of burlesque.

And you know what that is?
Filth, that's what.

- When Herbie shows his face...
- I'm sure Herbie didn't know about it.

- Agnes.
- He got the booking over the phone.

- Agnes?
- Mama, we were all so happy.

- Agnes? Agnes.
- Madam, you know my name is Amanda.

Your name's Agnes.
I want you and the girls...

...out of this hellhole.
- But Madam Rose...

- March. March. Go.
- Yes, ma'am.

Wait a minute.
Wait in the other dressing room.

You take the rear end of the cow,
I'll take the front.

What bags we can't carry your friend
Herbie can pick up and carry himself.

Now, you listen to me, Louise.

- You think Herbie...
- This has nothing to do with Herbie.

- You don't know what burlesque is.
- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

No daughter of mine
is gonna work burlesque.

And no daughter
of any woman I know.

Well, then where are we gonna work?

You realize that vaudevillians won't live
in the same hotel as burlesque people?

Mama, how much money do we have?

Including what's left
of their allowances...

...how much money do we have?

Something will turn up.

It has turned up and this is it.

Mama, we're flat broke.
We've gotta take this job.

Even if you wanted to quit
and go home we'd have to take it.

I had a dream.

- Mama...
- You're gonna like this one.

I had it over a week ago,
only I didn't wanna tell you.

The cow came into my room.

But she wasn't dancing,
smiling this time.

She was wheezing and kind of sad-like.

She came over to my bed
and looked at me and she said:

"Rose, move over."

I'm sorry, Mama.

Why?

She didn't ask you to move over.

I mean, I'm sorry
I'm not good enough in the act.

It's the act
that isn't good enough, baby.

Or something.

Rose?

Rose?

- In here, Herbie.
- Rose, look, I didn't know.

- Loui... Rose, I didn't know, believe me.
- I do, honey.

Oh, what's the didderence?

The money is good. It's only two weeks
and maybe by that time...

...something will turn up. Right?
- Right.

- Oh, you're a nice girl, Rose. Thank you.
- Well, that's show business.

One good thing,
I bet we get top billing.

Actually, you see, they had us lost
in the middle, and I thought...

...last would be better so that it reads:

"And Rose Louise
and her Hollywood Blonds."

They're gonna use pictures.
I'm making them put a box around it.

Forget the box, Herbie,
and the pictures.

- Mama.
- You don't know what they say.

But Herbie does.
When a vaudeville act plays burlesque...

...it means it's all washed up.

Herbie, nothing's gonna
turn up for us, is it?

No.

I guess it is a pretty rotten act.

Oh, come on, honey, it's not the act.

It's like I've been telling you:
Vaudeville is dead, stone-cold dead.

- Well, we sure tried though, didn't we?
- We sure did.

- Right?
- Right.

Herbie.

Say, I better get the cues ready.

Hey, Rose Louise, where's...

- Where's your music? Your light cues?
- I'll be right with you.

- You Rose Louise?
- Yeah, I'm Rose Louise.

- Oh, Herbie.
- Things are looking up.

Well, I got a show to open,
Rose Louise, so move your butt.

Now, listen, you little punk.

For the next two weeks, you're gonna
speak like a Sunday-school teacher.

You got something in this theater
you probably never saw before: A lady.

Take a look.

That is a lady.
And that is also a lady.

And every girl in this act is a lady,
and don't you forget it.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Now, get out there on that stage and
I'll give you the cues when I'm ready.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, sir, won't you
give me your protection?

I'm a lady too.

Just let me by, lady,
and there won't be any casualties.

Say, you're cute.

How about you and me
going for a ride after the show?

All my seats are reserved.

The thing worked. Thanks to you.

- Well, if you ladies will excuse me...
- We're very busy.

In my dressing room?

- In your dress...? Is...?
- You heard me.

And I don't like sharing it
any more than you do.

Particularly with a troupe
from the Virgin Islands.

Now, don't start up on us,
understand?

We're headliners
from the Orpheum Circuit.

We were booked into this theater
by mistake.

Weren't we all?

Say, who made that?

Oh, I did. I make all our costumes.

My, look at them
ladylike little stitches.

That miserable broad
who's been making my gowns...

...must be using a fishhook.

What do you pay her?

Twenty-five bucks a gown
and I provide the material.

- Thirty. Thirty.
- She's new in the business.

- Who are you? Her mother? Thirty.
- Yes.

- I'll get the material after the matinee.
- It's a deal.

Louise,
where's your toreador costume?

Oh, the girls must have it
in the other dressing room with them.

Heaven knows what else they got
in the dressing room with them.

From the way that dame walks,
she would've made a good stripper...

...in her day.

Tessie.

Tessie, I'm short a talking woman.

Tough. T-U-F. Tough.

The new comic
won't use a chorus girl.

Then let him use Mazeppa.
Everybody else has.

Now, you know Mazeppa's got her
gladiator ballet just before his spot.

Let them cut the ballet.
It stinks anyway.

Be a sport. I'm in a bind.

You're always in a bind
in this flea-bitten trap.

I'm a strip woman, slob.
I don't do no scenes.

Now, blow.

Have you ever heard of a first-class
strip woman playing scenes?

Well, you play stock
in a dump like this...

...I guess you gotta expect
to get insulted.

The work is steady, isn't it?

You bring a new star in
for each show, don't you?

Tessie, it's just a few lines.

Fat boy, save your bad breath.

- I'll give you 10 bucks extra.
- No.

- I can read lines.
- Who are you?

Rose Louise, of Rose Louise
and her Hollywood Blonds.

- Just a minute. What kind of lines?
- You in her act?

- Well, not exactly...
- Shut up.

- How are your legs?
- Great.

- And I'll learn her the scenes.
- Okay, 10 bucks.

- Now...
- It's money, Mama.

So, what kind of lines is she gonna
be reading out on that stage?

The same burlesque junk
that's been said since the year 1.

- Well...
- Say, where you been all your life?

Playing vaudeville.

Where? In the Louvre?

You name any town in the United States
and we've played it.

My grandpa says we've covered
the country like gypsies.

Well, you may be a gypsy, Rose Louise,
but you're...

Say, that ain't a bad name
if you ever take up stripping.

She won't.

No, but you'll let her feed lines
to a comic...

...for a lousy 10 bucks a week.

That's training.

She's gonna be a headliner.
This is only temporary.

Just as soon as we finish here,
she's going right back to vaudeville.

I better go talk to Herbie about this.

We never do anything without
consulting our artists' representative.

I'd like to consult
your artists' representative.

That's a man.

He and Mama are gonna be married.

She better grab him
or she's dumber than she looks.

Don't you start calling
my mother dumb.

She's a lot smarter than any of you.

Listen, we gotta share a dressing room.
Let's smoke a peace pipe, okay?

I'm willing.

I hope so. Sharing a dressing room is like
sleeping together. You don't get along...

Miss Tura...

...I'll thank you not to give the boss
any notion that I would ever play scenes.

And one more disparaging remark
about my ballet...

...will find this bugle right in your eye.

Please!

There's a lady present.

Where?

Open your eyes instead of your mouth.

Gypsy, meet Miss Mazeppa,
Miss Electra.

Say, you're even younger than I was
when I started stripping.

Oh, I'm not gonna strip.

Something wrong with stripping?

No, I just meant
I don't have any talent.

You think they have?

I myself, of course, was a ballerina...

...but take it from me, to be a stripper,
all you need to have is no talent.

You'll pardon me...

...but to have no talent is not enough.

What you need to have is an idea
that makes your strip special.

Come here.

Now, sit down here.

You can pull all the stops out
Till they call the cops out

Grind till you're fined or you're banned

But you gotta get a gimmick
If you wanna get a hand

You can sacrifice your sacro
Working in the back row

Bump in a dump till you're dead

Kid, you gotta get a gimmick
If you wanna get ahead

You can uh
You can uh

You can uh, uh, uh

That's how burlesque was born

So I uh
And I uh

And I uh, uh, uh

But I do it with a horn

Once I was a schlepper
Now I'm Miss Mazeppa

With my revolution in dance
You gotta have a gimmick

If you wanna have a chance

She can mm
She can mm

She can mm, mm, mm

They'll never make her rich

Me, I uh
And I uh

And I uh, uh, uh

But I do it with a switch

I'm electrifying
And I'm not even trying

I never have to sweat to get paid
'Cause if you got a gimmick

Gypsy girl, you got it made

All them mm
And them mm

And them um, um, um

Ain't gonna spell success

Me, I mm
And I mm

And I mm, mm, mm

But I do it with finesse

Dressy Tessie Tura
Is so much more demurer

Then all them other ladies because
You gotta get a gimmick

If you wanna get applause

Do something special
Anything that's fresh will

Earn you a big fat cigar

You're more than just a mimic
When you got a gimmick

Take a look how different we are

If you wanna make it
Twinkle while you shake it

If you wanna grind it
Wait till you've refined it

If you wanna bump it
Bump it with a trumpet

So get yourself a gimmick
And you too can be a star

Herbie.

- Hello, Herbie.
- Hello, Rose.

You win.

We've come to the end.

Guess we'd better
make some new plans.

Herbie, how about marrying me?

Sure. Sure. Sure.

I love you, you know.

Yeah, I do.

Let's do it today.

- Not while we're still in burlesque.
- The day we close.

It's a deal. Oh, Herbie.

- I do, I do.
- Oh, so do I, Rose.

Come in.

I'll bet you thought I forgot, right?
Not Herbie.

I remember everything,
including the wedding bouquet...

...the finest in Wichita.

Thanks, Herbie.

- They're knockouts. Aren't they?
- They sure are knockouts, Herbie.

Hey, hey, hey,
stop packing and talk to me!

- Oh, gosh, this is the great day.
- Shh, shh.

I can't help it. I'm nervous.
Why aren't you?

- I've never been so nervous.
- You've never been married.

You've never been married before
like you're gonna be this time.

She's a little sad too.
You know, about the girls.

Oh, Rose, honey,
I know what you're feeling.

It ain't easy to give this up after
all these years, but you'll never regret it.

I ought to shut up, but I can't help it.
I'm getting everything I wanted.

Including a fancy ceremony
and bridesmaids.

What the minister's gonna say when he
gets a load of that blond hair...

...I don't know. I don't know.

Let's hope he's colorblind.
What difference does it make?

All he has to ask in exactly one hour is,
"Do you, Rose, take him, Herbie?"

And you know what I'm gonna answer?
"I, Rose, take you, Herbie."

Thank you.

Thank you.

I better get these bags in the car.

I don't know why I stay
in this business.

If it ain't one headache it's another.

- Shh! They'll hear you out front.
- It's my theater. Let them.

Last week no talking woman,
the week before no second banana.

You knew that broad wasn't gonna
be here. Why did you start?

She don't go on till next to closing.

- She was only going to the drugstore.
- What did they arrest her for?

- Shoplifting.
- Cut the spot.

Do you think we can invite
the minister for a drink afterwards?

- It's the star strip.
- Cut it!

You know, Mama, we could hang
the cow's head over the mantelpiece.

They'll yell murder if it's the same bags.

Mama?

- The star's the novelty.
- Pastey, what do you expect me to do?

- Let you strip?
- No.

My daughter can do it.

- What?
- Rose Louise.

- Since when?
- Since she's seen how little there is to it.

- She didn't look bad in them scenes.
- She'll look great.

What's the gimmick?

She's young.
And you got any better ideas?

- She'd better get ready now.
- It's the star spot.

- That means star salary.
- If we keep her.

You will. She's gonna be wonderful.

I knew something would turn up.
Where's that dress for Tessie?

It'll work perfect for you.
Well, get into your makeup.

There isn't much time.

Silly, you aren't really gonna strip.

All you're gonna do is walk around
the stage in time to the music...

...and drop a shoulder strap.
You're a lady, like Herbie says.

You'll just parade so grand they'll think
it's a favor if you show them your knee.

Louise, it's the star spot.

I promised my daughter
we'd be a star.

Not like this. You can't do it, Rose.

Herbie, it's all right to walk out
when they want you.

But we can't walk out when
after all these years we're still a flop.

That's quitting. We can't quit
because we're still a flop.

Do this, then we can
walk away proud because we made it.

Maybe only in burlesque, second-rate
burlesque at that, but please...

...let's walk away a star.

Baby.

No time to finish that dress.
I'll get everything ready.

Get this junk off this dress,
the Tessie trim.

Herbie, see what the house is like.

Sure. Oh, sure, why not?

Didn't I always tell you
you were born lucky, Louise?

Not too much makeup, baby.
Young and girlish, pure.

Don't smear that junk all over your face
the way the others do.

Now, you leave your mouth
the way the Lord made it.

Not too much rouge. No beauty marks.

You'll be a lady, grand, elegant,
with a classy, ladylike walk.

Ye gods, shoes!
Oh, we can use the black ones.

The old ones
we borrowed from Tessie.

Put them on, they'll have to do.
If they're big, stuff them with paper.

Your hair's all wrong.
You can't just let it hang like spaghetti.

Get it up, dear, get it up.
Puff it out on top. It's gotta be classy.

Thank God the Lord gave us good color
and you washed it.

Do you think we should use
a couple of feathers?

No, no, no, that's what they all do.
Jewelry.

No, no, let Tessie
and the others wear all this vulgar junk.

- Come in.
- She almost ready?

She goes on in seven minutes.

She'll be there. Come on.
Louise, over here.

Get in the dress.
Come here. Come on.

You're gonna be wonderful tonight.
Just wonderful, darling. Go along, dear.

Say, here's your dress.
Keep a lot of pins in your hair.

Get it tight so it won't fall down.
Will you get out of here?

- Six and a half minutes.
- I know, I know.

Say, whose are these?

Oh, my wedding present from Tessie.
Good for a lady. She can wear them.

Now what else? Oh, music. Music.

Spanish. Military. Cow.

Maybe she can do
"Let Me Entertain You."

Baby, you can do the
"Let Me Entertain You" number.

I'll mark it for the conductor.
You repeat two choruses.

No, two and a half.
And sing out, Louise.

Just walk and dip.
Remember, you're a lady.

Make them beg for more
and then don't give it to them.

Anything else? Have I...

...forgotten anything? Oh, is that you?
How's the audience?

It don't matter.
The car is outside and the girls are in it.

I'm just gonna put these bags
in the car and then we're going.

You, Louise and me,
we're gonna get married.

- This is our farewell to show business.
- Herbie, don't talk dumb.

Louise plays two performances,
we get dollars.

She'll always remember
she was a star.

You want your daughter to take her
clothes off in front of hooting savages?

You want her to be leered at,
is that what you want?

On-stage there's an invisible wall
between her and the audience.

She's an artist.

An artist has a way of keeping her
audience away and smiling.

Now, listen,
I'm getting sick to my stomach again.

Herbie, don't you see
that I have to do this?

No, I don't see
that you have to do this.

All I see is what I have to do.

- I'm leaving.
- I apologize.

No, let me, for my resemblance
to a mouse. No, a worm.

The way I crawled after you.
Well, no more, Rose. No more, I won't.

I was gonna crawl away
because my stomach started to turn...

...at the idea of having to tell you
we're finished.

- Tell me after.
- We're never getting married.

- We certainly are.
- No, no. No, never.

Not even if you got down
on your knees and begged.

Now look, I... I still love you, Rose...

...but all the vows from here
to doomsday couldn't make you a wife.

I want a wife, Rose.

- I'm gonna be a man if it kills me.
- You're killing me.

No, nobody can kill you.

You think I got a bulletproof vest?
You're jealous, that's what you are.

Jealous of my girls because they always
came first. They always will.

Louise is gonna be a star.

She's gonna be a star
if it kills you and her.

She's gonna be a star someplace.

Well, she's gonna be a star.
Where are you gonna be?

Where are you gonna be
when she gets married?

She won't get married for years.
She's just a baby.

- Sure. Sure.
- Well, her career will always come first.

That's right. That is right.

Herbie.

Why does everybody walk out?

Maybe Louise won't.

Don't leave, Herbie.

I need you.

What for?

A million things.

Just one would be better.

Goodbye, honey.

Be a good girl.

You go to the devil!

Come on, get her music to the conductor
and stand by me for the light cues.

I just hope you know
what you're doing.

Lucky

You're a man who likes children

That's an important sign

Lucky

I'm a woman with children

Funny

Small and funny

I'll get the music to the leader.

Remember.

You're a lady,
and you are going to be a star.

Mama?

I'm pretty.

I'm a pretty girl, Mama.

Come on, come on.

You look beautiful.

- Just for luck, honey.
- Are you nervous, baby?

- What?
- I said, are you nervous?

No, Mother.

Wichita's one and only
burlesque theater presents:

Mama.

Gypsy Rose Lee.

- Her name's Louise.
- It ain't anymore. Go on, kid.

Let me entertain you

Let me make you smile

Sing out, Louise, sing out.

Let me do a few tricks
Some old and then some new tricks

I'm very versatile

And if you're real good
I'll make you feel good

I want your spirits to climb

So let me entertain you

And we'll have a really good time
Yes, sir

We'll have a real good time

Don't just walk, do something.

Dip. Just dip.

Take something off.

Let me entertain you

A glove! Give them a glove!

And we'll have a real good time

Yes, sir

We'll have a real good time

The Alhambra Theater of Detroit...

...is happy to present
that lovely newcomer...

...Miss Gypsy Rose Lee.

Philadelphia's Diamond Burlesque...

...takes pleasure
in presenting that lovely new star...

...Miss Gypsy Rose Lee.

Hello, everybody, my name's Gypsy.
What's yours?

Minsky's World-Famous Burlesque
takes great pride and pleasure...

...in presenting the queen
of the striptease...

...the incomparable
Miss Gypsy Rose Lee...

...in our salute to the new year.

Let me

Entertain you

Let me

Make you smile

Let me

Entertain you

We'll have a real good

And if you're real good
I'll make you feel good

I want your spirits to climb

Let me entertain you

And we'll have a real good time
Yes, sir

We'll have

A real good time

- Good evening, Mrs. Hovick.
- Good evening.

- Glad to see you.
- If you are, you're the only one.

Who put that sign up
on the blackboard?

I do not know, madame.
Oh, I think it was probably a pleasantry.

Well, I don't think
it's a very pleasant pleasantry.

A cow? What's that for?

That's a souvenir to remind some people
where they came from.

It wouldn't do any harm.

Renee, that comes down.

You need something to remind you
your goal was to be a great actress...

...not a cheap stripper.

My sister's the actress, Mother.
And I'm not a cheap stripper.

I'm the highest paid in the business.

You won't be ready for vaudeville
when it comes back.

No, I'll be dead.

Renee, would you take this tray
out of here?

- I'll do it.
- Mother, please.

And bring my press agent in
as soon as he comes.

Since when do you fix your face
before you have your bath?

A photographer is coming.

Where's he gonna photograph you,
in the tub?

- Hm. Eventually.
- Louise.

Mother,
it's for a very chic fashion magazine.

Oh. Louise,
you think I ought to freshen up?

Well, they only want me in the tub.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello.

No, it's...

...difficult right now.

I'm not leaving.

Let's meet at the party.

Yes.

Yes, I promise.

À bien-what?

I guess I am being a little much.

But, Mama, I love it.

- Who's giving the party?
- Some friends.

In the old days,
I used to be asked first.

I wouldn't go
even if I did have something to wear.

I got more important things to do,
like thinking up a new strip for us.

We're still stuck with that wind machine
you bought to blow my clothes off.

Actually, I'm putting in a new number
on Saturday.

- What is it?
- You'll see.

I'll see.

Mama, let me surprise you.

You're just one big surprise after
another these days, aren't you?

Well, we'd better go shopping tomorrow
for the material for your dress.

Oh, I have a French lesson tomorrow.

Well, I'll go alone.
You got any color in mind?

Mother, I've already started
to make the dress.

- Well, uh, I'll run your bath for you.
- Mama, you don't have to.

- That's what I have a maid for.
- Let me do something, damn it.

What, Mother?

- A million things. I'm not a baby.
- Neither am I.

Don't you take that tone with me,
young lady.

- Your sister used to...
- I am not my sister.

- You're not Louise either.
- And neither are you.

Oh, yes, I am, more than you,
Miss Gypsy Rose Lee...

...with your maids
and your press agents...

...and your fancy friends
with their parties.

Your loudmouth mother isn't invited
to those high-toned parties.

- They laugh at her.
- They don't.

They do.

Don't think I don't know that's one
reason you don't want me backstage.

So I won't hear them laugh.
It's them you ought to keep out, not me.

Because they're laughing at you too...

...the burlesque queen
who speaks lousy French...

...and reads book reviews
like they was books.

- Turn it off, Mother.
- You know what you are to them?

A circus freak, this year's novelty act.

- And when the bill is changed, you'll...
- I said, turn it off!

Nobody laughs at me,
because I laugh first, at me.

Me, from Seattle.
Me, with no education.

Me, with no talent...

...as you've kept reminding me
my whole life.

Well, Mama, look at me now.
I'm a star.

Look. Look how I live.
Look at my friends.

Look where I'm going.
I'm not staying in burlesque.

I'm moving, maybe up, maybe down,
but wherever it is, I'm enjoying it.

I'm having the time of my life...

...because for the first time,
it is my life, and I love it.

I love every second of it.

And I'll be damned
if you're gonna take it away from me.

I am Gypsy Rose Lee, and I love her.

And if you don't,
you can just clear out now.

Your press agent is here
with the photographer.

All right,
tell him I'll be ready in a minute.

Mama, we can't go shouting
seven performances of this a week.

The whole family shouts.

Comes from our living
so near the railroad tracks.

- I'm getting an ulcer.
- You think I'm not?

Yes, I think you're not.

And if you want an ulcer,
get one of your own...

...because you can't have mine.

Let's forget it.

- No, let's finish it.
- I should go feed Chowsie.

Mama, you fought your whole life.
I wish you could just relax now.

- You need more mascara on your left eye.
- Mama, you've got to let go of me.

Let go?

I'll give you anything you want.

- You need me.
- A house, a farm, a school.

A dramatic school for kids.
You were always great with kids.

I'm a pro.

I'm not an old workhorse
you can turn out to pasture...

...just because you think
you're riding high on your own.

Mama, no kid does it all on his own.

But I'm not a kid anymore.

And from now on, even if I flop...

...I flop on my own.

Hey, Gyps, what do you say?

"So long, Rose," that's what she says.

- "Don't slam the door as you leave."
- Hi, Rose.

Baby, may I present
Monsieur Bougeron-Cochon?

Let's make with the oiseau, kiddies.

One before you take the plunge, Gyps.
Get ready, now.

All right, miss,
but just one thing I wanna know.

All the pushing and working
and finagling...

...all the scrimping and the scheming
and lying awake nights figuring:

"How do we get from one town
to the next?

How do we all eat on a buck?
How do I make an act out of nothing?"

What did I do it for?
You said I fought all my life.

I fought all your life.

So now, tell me, what did I do it for?

I thought you did it for me, Mama.

Come on, smile, Gyps.
Show us your talent.

That's it.

"I thought you did it for me, Mama."

"I thought you made a no-talent ox
into a star...

...because you like doing things
the hard way, Mama."

And you have no talent.

Not what I call talent,
Miss Gypsy Rose Lee.

I made you.

And you wanna know why?

You wanna know what I did it for?

Because I was born too soon
and started too late, that's why.

With what I got in me...

...I could've been better
than any of you.

With what I got in me...

...what I've been holding down
inside of me...

...if I ever let it go...

...there wouldn't have been signs
big enough.

There wouldn't have been lights
bright enough.

"Here she is, boys.

Here she is, world.

Here's Rose."

Curtain up

Light the lights

Play it, boys

You either got it or you ain't

And, boys, I got it

You like it?

Well, I got it

Some people got it and make it pay

Some people can't even give it away

This people's got it

And this people's spreading it around

You either have it

Or you've had it

Hello, everybody, my name's Rose.
What's yours?

How do you like them egg rolls,
Mr. Goldstone?

Hold your hats and hallelujah
Mama's gonna show it to you

Ready or not, shh
Here comes Mama

Mama's talking loud
Mama's doing fine

Mama's getting hot
Mama's going strong

Mama's moving on
Mama's all alone

Mama doesn't care
Mama's letting loose

Mama's got the stuff
Mama's letting go

Mama? Mama?

Mama's got the stuff
Mama's gotta move

Mama's gotta go
Mama? Mama?

Mama's gotta let go

Why did I do it?

What did it get me?

Scrapbooks full
Of me in the background

Give them love
And what does it get you?

What does it get you?

One quick look
As each of them leaves you

All your life
And what does it get you?

"Thanks a lot"
And out with the garbage

They take bows
And you're batting zero

I had a dream

I dreamed it for you, June

It wasn't for me, Herbie

And if it wasn't for me

Just where would you be
Miss Gypsy Rose Lee?

Well, someone tell me
When is it my turn?

Don't I get a dream for myself?

Starting now, it's gonna be my turn

Gangway, world
Get off of my runway

Starting now, I bat a thousand
This time, boys, I'm taking the bows

And everything's coming up Rose

Everything's coming up roses

Everything's coming up roses
This time for me

For me

For me, for me, for me

For me

Just trying out a few ideas
I thought you might wanna use.

You'd really have been something,
Mother.

Think so?

If you had had someone
to push you, like I did.

If I could've been, I would've been.
That's show business.

About that school for kids,
like you said.

I could open one...

...but kids grow up.

Anyway, I guess I did it for myself.

Why, Mother?

Just wanted to be noticed.

Like I wanted you to notice me.

I still do, Mama.

Oh, Louise. Louise.

Okay, Mama.

Okay, Rose.

Say, you look like
you should speak French.

You're coming to that party with me.

- No.
- Oh, come on.

Like this? No.

Here, you can wear my mink.
I've got a stole in the car.

Well, only for an hour or two.

Say, this looks better on me
than it does on you.

- Funny how we can wear the same size.
- Especially in mink.

You know, I had a dream last night.

It was a big poster of a mother
and daughter...

...you know, like the cover
of that ladies' magazine.

Yes, Mother.

Only it was you and me,
wearing exactly the same gown.

It was an ad for Minsky,
and the headline said:

"Madame Rose...

...and her daughter Gypsy."

Oh, Mother.