Gypped in the Penthouse (1955) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

No ice.

I'll get it myself.

That's all--

Oh, I beg

your pardon sir.

I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry--

Larry. Of all people,

I haven't seen you in years.

Shemp. You're a sight

for sore eyes.

Sit down. We'll have a drink.

I don't mind if I do.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What kind of stuff

is this?

Mm.

Nice and fresh.

When did you join

the Woman Haters Club?

Oh, it's a long story.

I'll have to tell you

a little later.

All right.

Right now,

we're busy with this, you see.

Oh, brother.

[LAUGHS]

Mm.

There you are.

Here's how.

I know how.

[GLUGGING]

[CAR HORNS AND ALARMS BLARING]

[GASPING]

Too much seltzer.

[SIREN WHISTLING]

You're right. They do make

that seltzer strong.

Well, you asked me

a question.

It's a long story,

but you asked for it.

I was sitting at home reading

the newspaper,

when I happen to glance

at the personal column.

There was an ad

that caught my eye.

"Tired of being beautiful

and alone.

"Would like to meet clean,

well-dressed,

"handsome man about 35.

"Object: matrimony.

Address: box 41144

Daily Journal."

What an opportunity.

Beautiful and alone.

But a handsome man,

that might be a problem.

What time is it?

[TICKING]

Every time I look at

the seven-day clock, it stops.

I can't be that ugly.

Or can I?

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the fairest

Of them all?

I break more mirrors

that way.

Well, believe it or not,

she thought I was handsome.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And I fell for her

like a ton of bricks.

Well, a few nights later,

I went over to visit her

at her apartment as usual,

and uh...

Mwah, mwah.

Close your eyes.

I have a surprise for you.

Oh, darling,

it's beautiful.

Oh.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

[MUMBLING]

Oh, I'm gonna relax

and smoke a bit.

[GIGGLES]

You wanna smoke?

Thank you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

What can I do for you?

This.

Oh!

Didn't you make a mistake?

Yeah, I hit the wrong eye.

Oh!

Ah, my beautiful Jane.

While it's in my brain,

may I deign again to ask you

not refrain the chance

to make us twain.

[LAUGHING]

Mm. Yeah.

[HUFFING]

Oh, darling,

it's beautiful.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

You may kiss me.

MOE:

Indeed.

[LAUGHS]

Hey.

What the hey?

Who is this spotted

raccoon?

Oh, he tried

to get engaged to me

with that miserable

little 2-karat ring.

Just a minute, that was

2 and a half karats,

you gold digger.

Why don't you watch

your manners?

How dare you call my tomato

a gold digger.

Oh!

Get away from here.

Ha!

Oh!

I guess I told him

a two or thing.

Took care of that guy,

I'll tell you.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, oh, oh!

MOE:

That caterpillar thinks

he's smart,

but he's not smart enough

for me.

I'll-- Ah-ah.

Look out.

[GROANS]

Oh, baby.

Speak to me.

Yes?

This.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hey, hey.

I'll murder you.

Take it easy now.

Turn me loose.

I'll get you.

I'll tear your tonsils out.

I can't move here.

Get me out of this.

I'll---

[GASPS]

I'm through

with women forever.

Give me back my ring.

That's the wrong ring.

So sue me.

[GRUNTING]

I'll catch up with you

one of these days, wise guy,

and when I do, pow.

Women have always

made trouble.

They're all alike.

Now my trouble started

in the subway.

It was crowded

and I was hanging on to a strap.

And all of a sudden,

a beautiful girl get up

and give me a seat.

Well, to make a long

friendship short,

here I was at her home...

That meal was wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Beautiful

and can cook too.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Thank you.

Well, now, will you excuse me

while I powder my nose?

Sure. Where does

this pitcher belong?

Up there in the cabinet.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, she forgot to put

the dirty dishes in the washer.

I'll do it

[WATER HISSING]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

The automatic shut-off

is out of order.

Oh, you're soaking wet.

[SNEEZES]

You better get

those wet clothes off

before you catch cold.

Come on, I'll give you

something to wear.

In a minute, in a minute.

Oh!

Come on.

All right.

[GROANING]

Oh.

Oh, they're soaked.

Now you hurry up

and get out of those

wet clothes

and I'll send them out

to be cleaned and pressed.

Meanwhile, make yourself

at home.

Thanks a lot.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you are.

Where'd you get

the men's pajamas?

Well, they're my husband's,

but we're separated.

Oh.

Here, put this on.

It'll help keep you warm,

I think.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

[GIGGLES]

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,

what a night that was.

Go on.

Let's wet

our whistles first.

Here's looking at you.

[BLOWS]

[SPITS]

[BLOWS]

[RAZOR SQUEALS]

Sorry, pal.

Go on with your story.

Well, there we were

in the living room

waiting for my suit

to come back from the cleaners.

She was fond of music

and I was playing the piano

and singing.

I was trying to impersonate

that guy with the candelabra.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Home

Home on the farm ♪

♪ In Georgia ♪

♪ Our farm had such charm ♪

♪ And mama's so sweet ♪

♪ Cooks good things to eat ♪

♪ In Georgia ♪

♪ Down on the farm ♪

How was that?

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're quite a musician.

Just fair.

I play that in four sharps.

I used to play in five flats

but I got kicked out

of the last one.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, what a lovely ring.

May I see it?

Certainly.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

Now wait a minute.

Oh, no.

Now wait. Now give me that.

Oh, it went down

that hole.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me. I'm expecting

an important phone call.

I can't get my hand under.

[PIANO STRINGS THRUMMING]

[STRINGS TWANG]

Well.

Gosh, it went down

further.

I'll get it.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, you cockeyed thing.

[CRASHING]

[GROANING]

What happened?

I feel like a pretzel.

Oh...

[GRUNTING]

Oh, oh, if she sees this mess,

she'll kill me.

I'd better get rid of it.

Ah, in here with it.

Never saw a piano

with so much junk in it.

Ooh!

She'll kill me

if she sees this.

Oh.

She'll never know

the difference.

Hello.

You wrecker.

Oh. Your ring.

That will pay

for the damage to my piano.

There must be a way

to get that ring

without getting into trouble

with the censor.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Shh.

MOE:

Sweetheart.

Open the door.

I forgot my key.

Oh, it's my husband.

But I thought

you were separated.

We were. He was on a trip.

That's separated,

isn't it?

Yeah--

Oh, he's terribly jealous.

If he finds you here,

he'll kill you.

If you think I'm afraid,

you're right.

Where will I hide?

Upstairs.

In the bedroom.

Ah, darling.

I'm sorry, honey.

I must have forgot my key.

Boy, are you a sight

for sore eyes.

Oh, well.

Uh, you-- You got home early,

didn't you?

Yes, I flew.

And are my arms tired.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm expecting a wire.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

A tiger.

A boy said you told him

to clean and press this suit.

Whose is it?

Um--

Who are you hiding?

Well--

Never mind,

I'll find him myself.

Oh.

Now, now, now, honey.

I'll murder him.

Please, no, listen.

JANE:

Moe, listen. Believe me.

MOE:

Well, I don't believe you.

Moe.

Put down that gun.

I will

if I don't find that rat.

Ah-ha. The bed.

Moe, there's nobody here.

Why are you looking

under the bed?

Because that's where I hide

when I-- What am I saying?

What?

Never mind, I'll find him.

Oh, the closet.

I'll get that home wrecker.

JANE: Please. Listen to me.

Please, please.

MOE: I'll find him.

He must be amongst

these clothes.

JANE:

Moe I told you,

there is nobody here.

Liar.

MOE:

Well, that's not my suit.

And I'm gonna find

the guy that it fits.

Oh, Moe.

Moe, please listen to me.

I ain't listening to nobody.

Oh!

Shut up!

How tall was he?

Oh, he was about 5--

Moe, I tell you,

there's nobody here.

Now, relax and sit down.

MOE:

Now listen.

Oh, now, Moe, baby.

Lie down and relax.

You're getting all upset

for nothing.

Well, maybe you're right.

Why, certainly.

You're being silly.

You know I wouldn't have another

man in this apartment.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

I'll get you, you rat!

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOT]

I ran 16 blocks.

Got pinched for masquerading

as a woman.

And I had to pay $50 fine.

How do you like that?

Oh, I hate women.

I don't blame you, Shemp.

Fifty dollars' fine, oh.

Hey, there's Charlie.

Let's say hello.

All the dame wants

is diamonds.

Two karat, 4 karat--

Hi, Charlie.

Hello, Charles.

Oh, hi, fellas. Say,

I want you to meet a new member.

This is, uh--

[GASPS]

Why, you rat.

Oh!

Oh, yeah?

Who do you call a rat, eh?

Oh!

I'm sorry,

Charlie, boy.

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

[GRUNTS]

I'm sorry, there.

Oh, you wanna fight, eh?

Get out of here.

I'll brain you.

[MOE AND LARRY ARGUING

INDISTINCTLY]

[SCREAMING]

You fellas--

Help. Help.

[GURGLING]

Oh, Moe. Moe.

Wait, I'll get you

out of it.

Hold still.

Moe. Moe.

Can I do something?

Can I get you a glass of water?

A truck hit me.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Oh! Oh!

Why don't you watch

where you're going?

Well, what a pleasant

surprise.

Jane.

The diamond kid.

Yes.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Long time no see.

Where've you been?

Well, I've been around.

Oh! What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What?

[SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

Oh, please!

Oh, no!

Now cut that--

[SHEMP AND LARRY CHATTERING

INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]