Guys and Balls (2004) - full transcript

GUYS AND BALLS

Ecki!

Stop Pouting, Sanne.
- Come on, smile, honey.

Yes, yes, yes!

Look at the camera, guys.
And hold up the trophy!

Hands off, Udo!

Keep it up, guys!

No more local league!

Keep it up, guys!

We're gonna win!

6 minutes left!
If you win this one, guys,



you get free beer for a week!

And we'll give you pretzells
to go with it!

Get up, you bum!

Ref, he took a dive!
Even a blind guy can see that!

Udo!

Do something, Udo!

What's this shit all about?

Why'd you attack him in the last minute?
- I went after the ball! - Know What?

If you don't hold it,
I'll hang you do by your balls!

You better believe it!

He's supposed to play soccer
and not rugby

Open your eyes and watch the game!
That guy took a dive:

Keep cool, Ecki. It's all yours!

Ecki! Don't mess it up!
We need the promotion!



He's going to the left!
- Right

Left! - Last time he went to the right.
- He's going left.

The way he's standing
he has to go right.

1- 1, a tie game for VFB Ruhrgold.

See you next year
in the same old league.

I've waited 3 years to move
to the upper league, and you blew it!

In the final minute! With a spastic like
you as kepper, we're worth shit!

At least I'm all man!
- Watch what you say!

Let go, or I'll tell Susanne!

Send her over! It's about time
she got tamed by a real man!

So She can bite your other ear?

At least you'd be
symmetrical then. Spock!

Knock it off, Udo!

Why do you make Ecki
work all day in the bakery?

He oughta practice catching balls!

Just wait! Ecki's gonna make the Pros!
- Let's go Maria!

Hi, Ecki.
- Hi, Cordula.

It'd be a shame
to let this go to waste.

I wouldn't wear that jersey
out on the street

You're still number one, for me.

Cordula, what're you up to?

You aren't wearing...

I had my hair done for you.

The equipment manager
is around here somewhere...

I'm afraid he's loced out.

You're crazy!

We'll be back in the race next season.

I hope they don't throw that in my face.
- Chin up, kid

You're gonna be a star someday.
We'll stick this out together.

I got really special cherries
for all those jeers today

This one' for Udo.

This one's for Udo's father

And this is for my pal, the bar owner.

Okay, guys... dig in!

Nope! You won't
wipe the slate with just a cake!

You gotta buy a round for blowing
the game! - Question of honor.

Is that a deal, Ecki?

Sure thing! The next round's on me!

Know why Ecki' goal
is still so untouched.

'cause he hasn't been touched himself.

A real virgin!

Hey, there's still some cake left.

But don't eat the cherries.

You go for red pubic hair?

In the form of a heart?

Who?
- Cordula.

You've seen Cordula's pussy?n?

So?
- So nothing!

Hey, Ecki!

You're such a jerk!

Hey, I'm a goalkeeper!
We're loners!

The penalty zone is my fortress.
Nobody get in.

Hey, come on!

Oh shit!

Hey Ecki!

Hey buddy!

You're dripping!

Are you fucking nuts?

Now I understand.
We got a queer goalkeeper.

Fuck it, Ecki!

Wait up, Tobi!

That stinking homo!
- Hands up!

Don't believe that bullshit.
Ecki couldn't come out.

Your jacket, Ecki!

Pity nobody ever bent down
for the soap, huh, Ecki?

I said he was a sucker!

A Cocksucker!
- What' going on here?

Doesn't Mother know yet, Ecki?

Bernhard!

No idea... Udo!

What are you doing this for, Gerd?

There it is!
- Huh?

It's right.
- What's right?

That he's queer.

We gave that to him for Christmas.
- He wanted it. - No.

It was your idea.

Thank goodness he didn't use it.

What about this?
It's what they wear, right?

It's yours.

I'm supposed to have worn this?
- Yes! you wore it

the night that we met.

I took it off you myself
after the party.

Maybe you're gay, too.

It must come frome somebody.

Say it isn't true, Ecki.

Yes, but...

I thought you and Cordula...
- Get outta my room!

You gotta go downstairs, Gerd.
- Uh-huh.

Not so thick.

Sorry about yesterday.

I don't understand it myself

Are we going to the Borussia game
later on?

Dad...

I thought we were gonna
stick it out together.

How can I do that now?
You've ruined everything!

Here.
- What?

The Dance.

So what?
- Look at how Ecki's moving.

They all do that nowadays.
- It's gay.

He was a choirboy too long.

He needs a father. Gerd bakes all night
and sleeps half the day.

You think every baker's son is gay?
- As long as they don't grope.

They're people just like we are.
- Cheers

Look who's comming.

The team meeting is already over.
- That went fast.

We just added up what we lost yesterday:
sponsor funds, floodlights,

addmission fees. It was expensive.
And it's all your fault.

By the way,
we're looking for a new goalie.

What?

Sorry. - Goach, I've played for
the team as log as I can remember.

But you're a real liability.

Understand?
- He's no worse that you jerks!

We saw how he played!

Ecki hasn't really been with it lately.

What d'you mean?
Just 'cause he's Queer?

I didn't say that.
But I never saw those guys play soccer.

Soccer is war!

And only men go to war!

Find yourself a homo team
if you wanna play! - And remember,

you need 11 "freands. "

Just wait!

They even shower before the game!

No, homos can't play soccer.
It has to do with their genes.

Ecki can play an away match.
And then he can show us.

On our playing field
against our soccer team.

Ecki doesn't have the balls!

Okay, I'll find a team,
and we'll play against each other.

Bullshit! Why play against queers?
We don't play against girls, do we?

You're just scared.

Okay, the bigshot's gonna his show.

In 4 weeks, here on the playing field.

I won't allow it! - Calm down!
It's just a bunch of hot air!

Hot air! You know your son!

Where are you going?
- Away for a while.

Stay here, Ecki.

Did I do something wrong?
- Nonsense.

But you haven't eaten yet!

Ecki!
- Hi, sis!

What are you doing here?

I brought you something.
- Oh...

Is this why you're here?
You want something, right?

Can I stay at your place?

Did you burn down the clubhouse?

No, I... - Did you wreck dad's car?
- No, I'm At least I think so.

What?
- Gay.

A gay baker.

Maybe it's just a passing phase.

At least you moved out of Hotel Mom
- Uh-huh.

What about Dad?
- He's lost it.

He probably thinks I'm perverse.
- Uh-huh

When did you realize?
- I didn't, at first.

But you were talking showers
with a bunch of well built guys.

Sometimes I felt something,
but I figured I was Wrong,

so nothing really happend.

And then it got stronger, and
I didn't know... You understand?

No.

Susanne, do you think
there are other gay soccer players here?

Does Mike Tyson do synchronized
swimming? This is Dortmund. - So What?

It's a workers' town. And soccer's
a man's game, even you're outta work.

I can't be the only one!

You'll soon find other interests.
- I need a gay soccer team! - What?

We're playing the old team in 4 weeks!

What?

This is a main road!
- What do you wanna Prove?

Get moving, Will you!

- You wanna put on a big show or commit
suicide? - I have to do it! - How?

Udo's guys are trained to kick ass!

Do you want those gays to knock 'en out
by wearing G-string?

You're out of your mind!
- Same to you!

There must be something here.
- Ask. - I'll find it.

You're chicken,
- No, I'm not.

Can I help you?

Yes, I need a map of Dortmund.

That isn't everything.
- Do you have a Dortmund "Bar" guide?

Just a moment.

Hello? Hi, Mom.

Yes, he's at my place.
Everything's fine.

Millions of mothers have gay sons.

You're born gay. You can't help it.

I have nothing against counseling,
but not 'cause Ecki goes for men!

Take him out with your girlfriends...
to a nice bar, or dancing.

Oh Mom,
they aren't only interested in sex.

Got anything on soccer? - Yes, here.
- So you won't have any grandchildren!

It's not my responsibility anyway!

Anything else?

No!

Susanne?

Whole-wheat?
- The usual.

Hi, Renate,
- Hi, Rudi.

Hey, what's the difference between
Siegfried & Roy, and the Schumachers?

No idea.
- The expression on their faces

when one of 'em rams the other
from behind!

Why aren't you laughing, Renate?

Hi.

Do they still play soccer here?

You think we breed moles?

I need a playing field for 4 weeks,
Evenings, if possible.

Not so easy.
You see how busy we are.

Karl Schaefer, Left wing,

The season of '65/'66.

A good season!

Maybe.

Dortmund needed just one more win
for the championship.

The score was 0-0. Dortmund had
a penalty kick in the last minute.

The championship within reac...

The player runs up and kicks the ball
right in the corner.

Bang! Unstoppable!

But the goalie stretches out
and tips the ball

over the bar!

The game's over.
They lost the championship.

But I forget who the guy was.

Elke, the guy wants to pay.

It would've been a goal if the goalie
hadn't moved too soon. - Hey!

You can have the playing field.

But don't throw beer bottles on the
grass. we play decent soccer here.

Obstetrics?

What's that? - Don't worry!
The elevator often goes haywire.

See?

You have pressed the emergency button.
A technician will be with you soon.

Please stay calm.
- It's starting! - What?

Contractions!

Breathe in deeply.
Right into the pain.

Inhale and exhale.

What's it's name?
- Marvin! - Marvin!

Wonderful!

The waters broke!
- I feel sicl!

What happened?
- He hyperventileted.

See? All fine.

Hold on, dear.
- I'm Sven. - I'm Ecki.

I'll grab our hero. - Sure.
- Thanks. - Sure thing.

And good luck with Marvin!
- Ouch! My knee!

Forget it. - Why?
- He's the hottest male nurse here.

Does he have a girlfriend? - The whole
ward's after him. - You too?

Just 'cause you like him doesn't mean
he's gay. - But the way he looked at me!

He wants to be a gynecologist.
- So what?

No gay guy would voluntarily gaze at
hundreds of female crotches every day!

And cross out my phone number.
- Why?

I don't want any freaks
calling me.

Hey guys, wanna play soccer?
- Yeah. - Here.

Andreas,
the two of us on a soccer team...

What' the name of your team?
"Man-to-man?"

Are you the guy who puts it in?
- No,

I'm the guy who keeps it out.
- You ought to change positions.

Idiot!

Here's to all the positions!

Roll the dice!

Fatty here is buying this round.

I'm looking for guys my...

...soccer team!

A gay soccer team!

I bet some of you wanna play!

This bar's in the guide, I swear.
- Maybe it's the wrong number.

Let go of my brother!

Gimme me one of those flyers.

First practice is on Sunday.
What's your name? - J?rgen.

But don't tell my buddies,

or I'll bash you in the face,

you stinking poofter!

Now there's two of us.

Check it out.

Think so?
- His finger.

Excuse me.

Would you be interested?

Can I have no. 7?
- Sure.

I'm with you.

What's your name? - Ercin.
- We'll be there on Sunday, okay?

Okay.
- See you.

Over on the right.

STEEL PIPE

Hi. - They don't play soccer.
They're wrestlers.

Strictly gay.

Hi, can I leave these flyers here?

No pornography up here.

I need a few hard guys!
- Hard guys. - To come up from behind.

From behind, huh?

Yeah.
- Come along.

Ever heard of a four-man chain?
- Four? Yeah. - Cool.

Strictly... - Gay. I know.
But my brother told me...

Hey girl, knock it off.
You wouldn't like it here anyway.

Let me in, or I'll hook your nose
to the door handle!

My sister works
in an obstetrics ward.

They have a swing like this too.
- A swing, huh?

Just a second!
- Relax.

It's misunderstanding.

Hands off!

You're nuts!

Susanne... - What? - I'm not so sure
that I'm gay. - Really?

What?

I'm not so sure that I'm gay.

Really?

Where are we, anyway?

I got everything under control.

We're gonna play.

What?

I'm too fat, and the guys' piercings
hang down to their knees.

But only soccer, okay?

Hi, Renate.
- Hi, Rudi.

Listen...

A pretzel, please.

Sure.

Hi, Renate.
- Hi, Cordula.

This is no pretzel.

It's on the house.
- May as well make bread-sticks.

Have you heard from Ecki?

Why do gay eagles make nests of thorns?

They like the Pricks.

Ecki?

Hi.

What are you doing here?
- Cheking on Marvin.

Well then, come with me.

Look, in the 2nd row.
9 pounds, and fit as a fiddle.

His parents are naming him Ecki,
and you're his godfather.

Uncle Ecki?

Not bad.

You know we have a certain rule here?

A rule?

The midwifes get a treat
with their first birth.

Hold one over your ring finger,
between the index finger and thumb.

and move it. The other one doesn't move.

When I finish my social service,
I'm going to Australian

where I'll stay
until I've had enough

Shearing sheep or feeding koalas.

What about gynecology?

Did your sister tell you that?

I just said that,
so I could watch a birth.

Why's that?

That's not adible. It's decoration

After listening to women scream all day,
I just wanted to see

what goes on in the delivery room.

So what do you do?

Well, I'm actually...

...a baker in my home town.

But?

I wanted... I'm on vacation.

Vacation? Here in Dortmund?

City tour...

A bit different to Paris
or Barcelona. - Yeah.

Ecki!

Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Is the movies finished already?

Sold out.

I told the doctor you wanted to be
a gynecologist, and he got all excited.

He wants you

to do your internship on our ward.
- Maybe I'll become a midwife then.

I'll do it, but only if Ecki agrees
to join me. How about it?

Sure.

But it's not his thing.

Why not?

He goes for other things.

Soccer!

I play soccer.

Ecki's starting a team. - Had you play?

- I used to play at school. We were
class champs, but not because of me.

I love soccer. - Yeah!

- But you can't play on Ecki's team.
- Why not?

It' only for gays.

So that's it.

You need an offensive midfielder?

Yes! I knew it from the beginning!
- Sure!

Should I call Him?
- There's a phone booth.

What's wrong?

You think you can just snap your fingers.

What had you mean?

- And you get your gay soccer players
for a kamikaze game.

And incidentally you steal
the best-looking guy around!

You're in love!

No, I'm not!

It wouldn't have worked.
Be happy I found out.

You're just lucky
like always, Ecki!

Oh shit! Of all things!

Where's the goddamned key?

And why does every cool guy
have to be fuking gay?

I need you, Princess.

Hello!

Yeah, maybe it had be a good idea
to get changed outside.

What's your name?
- Ercin.

Darn it!

J?rgen, come on! Here!

Back again!
- You bet!

What was that?

Miss Bumble-Bee.

Come on.

What's up?

Keep it going! Come on!

Hey, Karl.

We gotta kick them off the field.

SC Bruechte didn't die
so these guys could dishonor our field!

We're allowed to do anything
in Germany.

But there's one big taboo left.

Gay Turks?

No.

Gay soccer pros.

Gay pros? Forget it!

Bullshit! No way!
And never on Borussia's team!

- No way!
- Every 10th man in Germany is gay.

So there must be 30 gay pro players
in the national league.

Just like Beckham!
- Beckham?

He has a wife and 2 kids!

He's as gay as Tonto.

He just doesn't know it yet.

Lucky England!

We don't have any champagne

2 meatballs and a beer.

Okay, a beer and meatballs for everyone.

Wait a sec. I'm a vegetarian.

We got a game in 3 weeks...
90 minutes,

a full-length field.

If we work hard,
it'll be lots of fun.

Who are we playing?
- The team from my town.

Heteros?

They're okay.
They just wanna play soccer.

Whith gays?

A friendly match.
- Great!

I have no problem with heteros.
- Great!

Okay.
- Ecki...

We need 4 more guys.
- He's good at arithmetic.

That's right.

That's not soccer you guys are playing.
It's an insult.

Generations of players
practiced hard on this playing fieald.

With their legs and with their hearts.

Karl, leave the guys alone.

Soccer is no Mardi Gras.

It's a religion.

Hi, I'm Victoria.

Choose your hole.

Thanks, sweetie.

We're the Gay Firefighters.
We need some guys

for the volunteer brigade.

I think those guys take drugs.

I'm Martin.

But there's a catch.
- What?

I'm lesbian.

I love women,
but as a woman, not a man

How do you do it... with women?

I don't tell them, so they don't realize
they're in bed with a woman.

Does that count?

Okay.

Fill it up.

That bad?

Even worse.

This is gonna be fun!

Hotte went to the toilet.

I know him, Susanne.

Not bad. Now we're coplete.

I know just
what the line-up's gonna be.

You play behind the Brazilians.
Martin and Ercin drop back.

And everbody else pressures 'em
from behind.

Or would you rather play right wing?

It doesn't matter.
I'm just glad to be on the team.

Want to go... get a drink?

Okay.

I have the late shift.

No problem.

Ecki?

What?

Why don't you come along? I'll just be
hanging around anyway.

Love to.

Breathe deeply right
into the contractions. Inhale!

Exhale!

Inhale!

Exhale!

Ecki!
- Susanne!

Sven!

Oh, hello.
- Hi.

Did you want to visit someone
on the ward?

Yes, I did

Excuse me, Sven.

For you.

Oh how nice of you. Thanks.

I don't understand.
- I don't either.

Listen...

I AM NOT GAY.

What?

Really?

Yeah, I just wanted to...

play a little soccer and ask you out
for a coffee.

Me?

Sven?

Susanne.

- Me?
- Yes.

Sure. I'd love to.

Great.

Not a word!
- To anyone!

What?

You're still on team, incognito

There's no way out.

And start with your clothes. Camus is dead. Try something tighter-fitting.

Hi, Renate.

Hi, Rudi.

- Here.
- Hey, Gerd.

Long time, no see.

Won't you say hello?

Hi, Rudi.

Listen...

How do you recognize a gay snowman?

The carrot's up his butt.

Get outta here!

I gotta go.

- I'll see you tomarrow.
- Okay.

Was that your team?

Who told you where we practice?

Susanne.

How's it going?

We gotta talk.

Forget it. I'm not going in there.

At least look at it.

I thought you wanted to talk.

I do.

Okay, let's talk.

Just one beer.

Good evening.

Come on.

See the red-haired one?
- Stop grinning, Dad!

She's sweet, isn't she?

Stop staring!

How do you know this place?

What?

Hey, you two.

Your first time here?

Listen...

I gotta talk to my father...

...alone.

Lessons?

Not necessary for my exam.
- I can't

Nobody ever flunked my exam.
- I wound. - Nobody.

And you neither, sweetheart.

Wanna bet?
- Ecki!

I accept your bet.

I'm gay.

Then don't let Daddy Waste his money.

I didn't ask you to drag me here.

GAY TEAM TO PLAY AGAINST BOLDRUP

" Homosexual goalie Eckhard D.
has challenged Boldrup.

Curious fans from the entire region
are expected.

Boldrup is anticipating
a record number of spectators.

Cancel it, Ecki.

I've got a team.

What should I tell Them?
"My dad won't let me play"

You're making a fool of yourself and us.
- They'll stop laughing after the game.

Mom can't take it anymore.

Mom or you?

I'm gonna sell the bakery.
- What?

Grandpa worked there for 50 years.

He didn't have to listen
to all those snide remarks.

Fuck it!

Then I'll run the bakery by myself!

How? Do you wanna sell extra soft buns?
We're gonna play!

Rudi, what happened to you?
- An appointment. Taxes.

We got practice today.
- I know.

That's Ercin.
- As hard as iron.

Hello Jan.

How are you doing?

Fine.

What about Mom?

She's fine, too.

I wanted to come see you sooner.

I know.

What grade are you in now?
- 3rd.

Already?

I'm very sorry

for everthing that happened.

I know it's tough for you and Mom.

Maybe you can't understand it.

It took me a very long time
to find out who I am.

And I couldn't stay with you anymore.

And now I miss you every sing day.

We have a game...

...Want to come?

You don't have to tell Mom.

I'm still good at soccer.

I could outplay you when I was six.

Now I can tell you the truth.
I always held back.

Are you gonna win?

I promise.

Okay.

Martin, play parallel to him in front of
the defense. You two stay back.

It's beginning to look like soccer.

Fatso should unscrew the rings
from his face.

That guy in the back...
Is he a friend of yours?

Which one?

That guy there.

He keeps looking at us.

Not at me.

Hey, I'm old enough to know
he doesn't mean me.

Come on, sweetheart.
I'll put you on the swing afterwards.

Out of singht!

Incredible!

Soap was all we needed back then.

Racists.

My ass is worn out!
- Hotte didn't let anyone in.

Wanna go over and visit
those Gay Firefighters?

No thanks, Horst. - That guy really
looked sweet with his axe.

Can't we just have a nice
boys night out? - What's up?

You already know me, Hotte.
A hose " yes," wather "no. "

Anyway, those babes in uniform

look really silly.

Sweetie, you've lost weight.

Honest?

What're you looking at?

Hey guys, practice tomarrow?

You bet.
- What should I do with you?

There's hardly anything to hold onto.
- Think so?

So I can't enter the "Mr. Bear" contest?

What a shame.

Okey guys...

What an ass!

I wanted to check the locks.

There aren't any locks.

I just noticed.

One more thing:
This is a locker room.

If you wanna play soccer,
try to, smell like soccer players.

And get rid of that stuff!

Turn off the light.

You aren't really reading.

I saw Ecki's team.

What?
- He's really serious.

You always told him
he should never let others put him down.

And...

They wear leather clothes
with studs.

One of the guys
has a huge ring in his nose.

Strickly gay

Why do all these
fucking chicks wanna get in?

I'm sure he's gay.

I swear he is.

Agnes! - We have an agreement
that you seem to have forgotten.

Bailey's?
- Stay away from the boy!

I met him by chance.
- My son won't go to your match.

Understand?

It's just a soccer game.

Stick to the rules,
or you'll hear from my lawyer.

Listen, one day Jan will
want to know who I really am.

And I want to prevent just that!

Don't tell me you were married once!

With house and home.

What? You fucked a woman?

Yes! What of it?

It wasn't so bad at all.

Disgusting.

She is the one, J?rgen!

Thank God!
We were beginning to get worried.

It takes time to find a girl
like that. - And in bed?

Awesome! Hours Of super sex!
One tantra lesson after the other!

I shut off the phone and doorbell...
- Be happy you don't have a job!

Why don't you bring your sweetie
with you? - Exactly!

Sure, why not?
- She got a sister with big boobs?

Hey, J?rgen! Isn't that your chick?
- Where?

Hold on!... Hey baby!

Hey baby, you got a visitor!
- J?rgen!

This guy doesn't even recognize
his chick! - He's blinded by love!

I told the guys about you!

About us!

You're luck guy, J?rgen!

A chick like you isn't easy to find.

J?rgen know just how women feel.

How's that?
- Yes! - J?rgen!

You old fairy!
- Come on over to the "pink" bleachers!

Who are those twerps? - No idea!
We gotta go! The game's starting!

Bumble Bee!

Give her a goodbye kiss!
- Bye, sweetheart!

Bye, sweetheart!

Hey, Ecki mouse!
Doing some cock-watching?

How's your team?
- All set.

Can they play,
or are they just cheerleaders?

Who's that guy?
- Who have we got here?

Ecki's first buttfucker?

Listen, jackoff! I'm not Ecki'
buttfucker! I'm his... - Team-mate!

Oh! Still a virgin, huh?

Have you lost it?

Great, Udo! Bastard!

What's going on?

What's going on here?

Hands off my trousers.

Are you crayz?
Stop it! Right now!

Udo...

Know what happens when you grope?
- Are these perverts your friends?

At least they know how to to treat
a lady, Mr. Caveman.

See you in Boldrup, you ass-lickers!
We're gonna stick posts up your holes!

You jack-offs! Scratch your own balls!
- Just you wait!

Just you wait!

You should've told us.
Revenge is revenge!

And that's it.
- I don't wanna go through this.

I'm quitting.
- Me, too. I hate lies.

It's true.

I don't know.

I wouldn't play those bums as a hetero.

What?
- You're a hetero?

Great! Terrific!

Sorry!
- Anything else?

Okay! Okay!

Who still wants to play?

We do.

Tom?

Hotte? - No!
- Come on - No, I don't want to.

You guys just don't understand.

It has to do with respect.

I have to finish this business before
I start something new. Don't you see?

I realize you feel uneasy holding hands
in front of your father.

But why do I embarrass you
in front of those guys?

Your team-mate, huh?

You know what, Ecki?

Figure out where you stand.

Yeah, sure.

Devrim and his family
want to go to your game...

Tell him not to come.
- What?

We aren't playing.

Why not?

Because! That's why!

The guys aren't playing!

Yeah, it's too bad.

You know how they are.
One day "yes," next day "no. "

What about the game?

Called off.

Miserable clucks!

At least we tried!

You just wiggle your balls at the bar!

So, what's up? Wanna hit the sauna?

Why don't we go see
the Gay Firefighters?

What's wrong, Rudolf?

We were a team.
And a team sticks together.

That's Ercin.

Make Rudolf some nice noodles.

Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Jan. Is Mom there, too?

Hey, wait a second.

This is my son.

Jan.

This is Tom.

Hi, kid.

I'm Jan.

And this is Horst.

Hello!

Jan.

Want some potato chips?

Why aren't you training?

Schedule difficulties.
- The game's in 10 days.

The game's been called off.

Called off?

Because of injuries.

But you said you'd win

I know.

You promised.

Mom didn't want you to go to the game
anyway. Maybe it's better this way.

So I can't see
how gay guys play soccer.

I knew it.

My dad's a loser.

Hey J?rgen, who pissed on your parade?

Got a job and too tired to screw?
- My chick is crazy about...

Hi, J?rgen.
- Nice place.

Aren't those the guy at the match?
- You said you don't know 'em.

What? You don't know us?

Just a sec. There's a misunderstanding.
- Explain.

You see...

I don't have a girlfriend.

I never had one and I never will.
At least, not like you guys think.

And the reason is... I mean...

What I wanted to say is...
What are you guys doing here?

Soccer.

You play soccer?

Yes.

On a gay team.

I do!

What're you standing around for?
Training starts in 5 minutes.

We got a lot to do
before the big game. - Sven?

Not a chance.
We'll have to try it with 10 players.

You guys are gonna die on the vine.

Let's get one thing straight:
We're gonna play.

Sure...

But you need a coach.

First: Attitude! From now on,
you're soccer players. Nothing Else!

Let's go!

No more fish hooks in your faces,

nipples or other body parts...
starting now!

Nobody's talked to me like that
for 20 years! - You like it!

Second: discipline.

No more drinking and no more partying!

You gotta be in bet by 10 PM!
Alone.

Hotte, not tonighrt.
- Just a bit, please.

You know what Karl said.

Second: disipline.

Squares!

Third: strength. You'll experience
the longest 90 minutes of your lives!

You get in shape by working hard
and not in the disco!

Coach, doesn't soccer
have something to do with a ball?

Just shut up next time, okay?
- Ouch!

Hey, what's going on here?
- Nothing.

Then keep it up.

Hi.

What's up?

Yes, well, I don't know
how to use our drill.

Horst? - Yes.
- Where were you?

I suddenly remembered

that our swing was loose.
- In the middle of the night?

I couldn't get it off my mind,
so I asked Steffen

if he could help me.
- With the drill?

And the plug. - Get the point!
- So I showed Steffen what was loose,

and all hell broke loose.

That's the dumbest excuse
I've ever heard.

I have good news, too.

I can't wait.

Steffen will take my place.
He used to play at local-league level.

Did they know about you?

Who?
- He doesn't knock me out.

The guys on your team.
- Not at first.

And then?

One day my boyfriend
showed up at practice.

He ran up to me
and gave me a big kiss.

In front of all the players.

He told me he didn't go
for lumberjack-types anymore.

That day I swore I'd never
play soccer with heteros again.

I was so frustrated that
I told my boyfriend to get lost.

You know who we're playing?

I owe Horst a favor.

Why?

He was the boyfriend.

Stop!

Get down!

The guys are playing!

Yes!

Today "yes", tomorrow "no".

Scoring goal is like meditation.
When you stand in front of the goal,

Just stop thinking and follow

your inner light.
It will guide you.

Okay, forget all that Zen shit!
The goal is 7 meters wide.

That's big enough, isn't it?

Move it!

Wonderful!

And now you, Karl!

I haven't kickeda ball
since 1966, and it'll stay that way.

Okay, move it! Move it! Move it!

That's great! Wonderful!

Ecki, what's wrong with you?

The ball's round!
It's no noodle!

Push-ups! And relax.

What's wrong with you? - Nothing.
- You gotta talk to him.

Four:

the ball! the ball must be your friend.
Let it grow on your foot!

I hate it
when things grow on my feet.

Hi.
- Hi.

Does it still hurt?

What I said at the stadium...

I didn't mean it that way.
I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Hey, we got the theam back together!
- Psst.

We're gonna play tomorrow.
- I know.

We even have a coach.

Great.

We only have 10 players...

but it's okay.

If you're looking for 11th player,
forget it.

No! I don't want an 11th player!

I want you!

The car might break down.

The car won't break down.

Or we could get the flu.

Or a broken foot.

The whole team gets the flu.
- In the summer.

In the summer.

Yeah, the summer flu.

Okay, now it's time to sleep.

Hands on top of the blanket.

See?
- What?

The god's are against us.

The god's are against
fat, little, horny boys.

Heiz, do some advertising for me.
- Make sure the best-before date

is still valid. Okay?

Hey! You think you're a team, huh?

Yeah!

You aren't a team yet!
We don't have a name!

He's right! We don't have a name!

But now we have a name!

CROSSBAR BANGERS

We're the Crossbar Bangers!

A dirt pitch!
- Relaz, Karl.

Well, look at that, will you!

They're all here.

Everybody.

Aren't you coming?
- Where to?

The game.

You're going?

I go to every game.
- It's no game.

It's a carnival,
and homos are the main attraction!

Ecki is, ve will always be, our son.
And those guy...

don't play badly.
- You saw them?

Did you know Susanne has a boyfriend?

If you go, it's over between us.

So what!
What difference does it make?

Boldrup' gonna win!

We're gonna show those queers

how to play soccer!
- Cream the queens!

Bang 'em! Bang 'em!
Cream the queens!

Bang 'em! Bang 'em!
Cream the queens!

I just wanted to tell you...
Boys...

I believe in you!

You're gonna win this one.

I believe in you.

What's the difference
between a homo and a hamburger?

No idea. - A hamburger doesn't fart
when you take out the gherkin.

My son is playing here... Ercin.

He'll be out soon.

Hi, Renate.

Mom!

Susanne!

Hi, Cordula. - Hi, Susanne.
- I'm glad you're here.

Me too.
- Where's Dad?

Where's Ecki? - Where's Ecki?
- Ecki? - Ecki?

Eckkkii...

What?

Ecki's missing.

Where's Ecki?
- No idea!

Where's Ecki?

I can't do it.
I feel like I'm gonna puke.

Do you realize
that this is your 500th game?

Look, I've written it all down.

All your games, your goals...
For 13 years.

I'm pround of you.

What makes a good goalkeeper?
You forgot your gloves!

Don't be so nervous!
The worst is over!

Boldrup! Boldrup! Boldrup!

Come on, guys! We're gonna win!

The first 15 minutes are over,
and it' still 0-0.

Fuck off, fairy!
- I'm no fairy!

Foul!

Since when are Turks gay?

Come on! Let's play soccer!

My son.

Man!

Play the ball, guys!
You can do it!

Knock him down!

Foul, Ref!

Ref! - What's wrong, you bum?
Get up!

Don't look at me like that!

Rudi!
Your cap! You'll get sunstroke!

Dad!

Mark him!

1-0 to Boldrup!
The goal was scored by UDO...

...ODENTHAL!

The first goal was just scored
by Boldrup

in the 42nd minute.

Boldrup now leads 1-0,
after a goal by Odenthal

against the gay team from Dortmund.
They'll be making goals like hotcakes,

but the Bangers
are putting up a good fight...

What could he do?
There was nobody there!

It's half-time. Time for a sausage.

Tell those jerks to stop
kicking our players!

Ecki mouse, if we'd played like this
we'd be semi-pros by now.

Cool it, pansy.
- Hey, I don't like this rough stuff!

Oh, then join the ballet.
I'm sure Ecki will go with you.

Know what, Udo? Fuck you!
- Are you crayz?

Then play on our team!
- I'm no idiot!

What's you guys after?
- Nothing

Dad!

You gotta keep the ball rolling.
Short passes,

then long one into midfield.

You're good.

Are you crazy?

I've been looking for you all morning!

I almost called the police.

Leave him alone.

You have no say in this matter.

But I do!

Come on, lets's go.

This is gonna sting a bit.

- It really hurts.
How's your shin? Is it okay?

Guys!

What's up? Are we gonna win?
- Hey, Sven!

Don't I get a jersey?

Listen, if they wanna get physical,
we will, too. Understand?

GET PHYSICAL!

Come on! Let's go get 'em!

If you hadn't shown up,
you could've packed your bags.

Hey, Ref. Is that okay?

That bastard grabbed my boy' balls!

Ref, he grabbed my balls!

Eckiii.

Yeah! We'll show 'em.

Watch out, guys!
He's outta his mind!

It's a goal!

Goal!

Yes!

What's going on?
- You scored a goal!

What? A goal?
- You! - Me? A goal?

I scored a goal!

The Bangers... The visiting team,
has just equalized. Gaol by...

No. 2, Rudolf Lammers.

Hey guys, one more goal like that
and you're grounded!

Why not fuck, you twerps!

Ecki!

Come on.
- Come here, you pansy!

I'm here 'cause I want to win with you.

Shoot!

Ronaldo!

Hey guys, close ranks!

He's faking it!

Get up!

Penalty kick!

What?
- A shit game!

A penalty kick!

Stop it!
- Asshole!

Throw Udo outta the game!

That wasn't a foul!

He faked it!

That was a foul!
- Udo probably tripped on his own balls!

That gay flycatcher Ecki tripped him!

One more word about Ecki, and you can
sell your sausages in the hospital!

Just put it in, Udo.

You're screwing yourself, Udo.

And you'll never make the grade.

Come on, Ecki!

Yes!
- Ecki!

Ecki!

We won! 2 to 1... yes!

That was great, really great!

Sven, this is my father.

Dad, this is Sven...

...my boyfriend.