Gus (1976) - full transcript

Go on, stjepan!
Go on, my boy!

Watch your brother.
The greatest soccer hero
in all of yugoslavia.

You watch, you learn!
I'm trying, papa.

Goal! Goal! Goal!

Aah!

Aww.

Watch this, Gus.

- Ohh!
- Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy!

Are you all right?

Give me
your hand, son.



See, mama?
Now we have
two heroes.

One soccer hero
and one deep-sea
diver. Bah!

Andy. Oh,
be a good boy.

Stay with butterfly
collection, huh?

Ah, I give up.

I wish I never had to see
a soccer ball again
as long as I live.

Gus? Could you
do that again?

Ready, Gus. Oich!

My father gets the paper
from yugoslavia. I thought
that was pretty funny.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks,
Debbie, but even if
I was yugoslavian,

I'd have trouble
laughing these days.

But a mule that kicks
100-yard soccer goals is kinda
terrific, don't you think?

Yeah. Especially since
we got nobody that can kick
any kind of ball five yards.

This is monaghan, Mr. Cooper,
against the packers.



That one cost us
a 15-yard penalty,
if I remember.

Yeah. That was
the smallest loss
we had all day.

Uh, what do you want to do
about monaghan, Mr. Cooper?

Trade him to the packers.
They oughta love him.

He played a better game
for them than he did for us.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, this is lindstrom,
against the rams.

What was he doin'?
Wavin' to his girlfriend
in the stands?

Well, I don't think so,
Mr. Cooper. Uh,
lindstrom's married.

Mm.
That's probably why
he's asking for more money.

What? He must be
out of his head.

And that was
the blow that did it.

Uh, this is zebrowski,
Mr. Cooper.

What do we do about
zebrowski, Mr. Cooper?

- Try the falcons.
- Uh, they don't want him.

Uh, I don't think we got
anybody they want.

Coach, we got
nobody we want.

Uh, here's, uh,
vanowen, Mr. Cooper.

He's the only bright spot
in our entire offense.

Well, I was thinking,
maybe if, uh,

the other players
promise not
to congratulate so hard,

we could coax him
out of retirement?

- Debbie?
- Would you do me a favor?

I brought your aspirin,
Mr. Cooper.
Oh, good.

You've seen these
film clips, haven't you?

Mr. Cooper, I saw
all the games.

Mm-hmm.

All right, outside of Rob cargil
at middle linebacker,
what have we got?

Oh, we got a pretty good
defense, Mr. Cooper.

Our boys have learned
how to hit a few people.

If we can only teach 'em
which team to hit--

*

men, we're comin' off
a tough season,

but this year's gonna be
a whole new ball game.

Now, as we open
training camp,

I'd like to introduce
some of my new coaches--
some of my assistants.

Now, with the help
of these men,

I'm gonna turn
the California atoms
into a solid ball team.

I see ya got
the same old faces
behind those batons.

Well, a lot of those atomettes
have been with the organization
a few years, Mr. Cooper.

It's pretty tough to just,
you know, let 'em go.

Especially when
they're gettin' so close
to their pensions.

But listen to this.

I've been giving it a lot
of thought, and I have come up
with a clever new idea.

You're redecoratin'
their wheelchairs.

No. No, no, no, listen.

Starting this fall,
for all atomettes,

if you're ten years married
or got three kids, you're out.

*

one thing, this band sounds
better than the one last year.

It certainly does.

*

*

One thing I thought
I could count on was
a decent halftime show...

That would pull in
a few people.

When a man's relatives stop
asking for free passes,
he's in trouble.

But I got lots more talent
for you to see, Mr. Cooper.
Wait'll you see this.

- Uh, Elizabeth?
- One, two! One, two!

Elizabeth?
Yeah?

Do some of those wonderful
little flip-flops
for Mr. Cooper.

Oh, sure, Mr. Barnsdale.

Very nice, Elizabeth.
Very nice.

That should bring in
a few people,
especially doctors.

I got some other
great ideas, Mr. Cooper.
I saw this act on TV.

This elephant
actually twirls a Baton
with its trunk.

Now I figure we just
dress him up like--
Joe, if I wanted an animal act,

I'd get that
yugoslavian mule who kicks
100-yard soccer goals.

Oh, yeah. Debbie showed me
that story. Even I'd pay
to see that, I think.

Might be worth a look,
if it's for real.

All it takes is a round-trip
ticket to yugoslavia
for me to find out.

No, no. Takes more than that.
Takes someone to loan me
the money to buy you the ticket.

Lineman's calisthenics.

Blackboard drill.

Postgame films.

All right, I guess
that about covers it
for the coaches.

- Now, how many players
we got here?
- None.

- None?
- They're not due
till tomorrow.

Oh, well, then
we'll just, uh--

all right, let's
go to work, men.

Unbelievable.
Un-be-liev-able!

That's right, operator.
To thousand oaks, California.

The message reads,
"mule for real.
Never misses at 100 yards."

Uh, operator?
"Sometimes misses at 110."

- Hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Well, what do you think,
Mr. Cooper?

It might just be
an expensive bomb.
I'm not sure I'm that desperate.

Mr. Cooper?

I think we've got it.
Aah! Aah!

Wire Joe.
Sign that mule.

Do you want
that card, Rob?

Hello?
Oh, hi, Mr. Cooper.

How would you like
to baby-sit a yugoslavian
mule and his trainer?

They signed!
Got his hoofprint
right on the dotted line.

They signed the mule
for the halftime show.

Oh, boy, the fans'll sure
get a kick out of that.

But I gotta ask ya
a favor, Debbie.

Since the trainer's
yugoslavian,
and you're yugoslavian--

well,
my parents are--
close enough.

I'm puttin' you on detached duty
and assigning you to this kid,
Andy, for a week or so...

To keep him
from gettin' homesick.

Well, I haven't done
any folk dancing,

but I'll do my best to
make him feel at home. Okay?

- Bye.
- Bye.

What are you promisin', anyway?
Are we goin' together or not?

Well, it's only
for a week or so.
Mr. Cooper's orders.

All incoming passengers from
trans world
airlines flight702,

please claim your baggage
at the street entrance.

- Andy?
- Yes, Andy.

- Debbie!
- Uh, Gus.

Uh, well, I'll
see ya in a minute.

Come on. Let's go.
Tuck in that ball.

Follow through on that ball.
Way to go!

Introducing the greatest
halftime act in all of
professional football,

direct from yugoslavia.

Hey, Rob.
Throw Andy a ball.

Yes, sir, Mr. Cooper.

Here you go, kid.

Welcome to the NFL.

You okay, kid?
O-oh, y-yes, sir.

M-my brother does it
a-all the time.

Okay. Now, I want you
to see that mule
kick this ball.

Uh, Mr. Cooper?
Hmm?

- Gus has never kicked
a ball like this before.
- Can't you get him to try?

For the kind of money
I laid out, I'm at least
entitled to see him miss.

Go ahead, Andy.
Just try it.

Go on.

With your finger.
Hold it with
your finger, kid.

There. Okay.

- Now, how do you
get him to kick?
- I usually just yell, "oich."

Ah-ha-ha!

Right. If that's no fluke,
you might have come up
with a winner, Hank.

Yeah. A halftime show
that'll let the atoms fans
forget about the team.

Well, so far, in their
opening exhibition game,

the atoms haven't
disappointed us
a bit, folks.

Twenty seconds to go
in the first half.

It's the Cleveland browns 27,
the California atoms 0.

Manders in kick formation
for Cleveland.
He stands on his own 30.

There's the snap. It's--
oh, it's over his head!

It's trickling back
to the 25, the 20, the 15!

A scramble for the ball--
and Rob cargil has it
for the atoms!

That's the way you do it!
That's the way.

Field goal team,
field goal team.
Everyone, out of the way!

Uh-- way to go,
big fella! Nice goin'!

Okay. Garcia,
why aren't you in uniform?

Oh, that's right.
You're one of the coaches.
Okay, o'brien! O'brien!

Where's my placekicker?
He just went out to kick
a field goal, coach.

Oh. Yeah. Good.
Thanks. Okay.

This will be the atoms'
first score of the ball game.

Let's see. It's, uh, o'brien.
O'brien lines up for what
should be an easy three points.

Now, folks, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

You've read about them
in the papers. Now you're
going to see them in person.

Here they are, direct
from yugoslavia, Andy...

And his miracle mule, Gus!

*

I'll say this, folks.
If Andy and his friend Gus...

Are half as good
as their press notices,

the fans here will get
a lot more to cheer about than
they did in that first half!

S-so many people.
I don't think I can
go through with this.

What's he doin' to me?
It's the crowd, Mr. Cooper.
I think he's frightened.

When I get my hands on him,
I'll give him something
to be frightened about.

Dah!

Can we help you, Mr. Cooper?
Yeah, get out there
and do something.

The pyramid?
Yeah, the leaning tower,
anything. Go on, go on!

All right, girls.
Form it up.

And, uh, one and two
and one and two--

Mr. Cooper!
They're coming back!

Well, at least the crowd's
laughing, Mr. Cooper.

They're gonna laugh me
right into bankruptcy.

Now, remember, girls.
This one's for Mr. Cooper.

Yeah, for Mr. Cooper.

It's all right, Gus.
I feel better now. Thanks.

Ready, Gus?

Oich!

Ta-da!

Oh! Oh!

Great!

Well, there's a new wrinkle
in atomland. Not the atoms.

They have the same old ones,
and the old wrinkles lost
to the browns 41 to zip tonight.

But that halftime show,
with Andy and the mule Gus,
that was something else again.

After a shaky start,
the four-legged atom
put three 100-yard kicks...

Straight through the uprights.

Hank Cooper may have found
himself a real drawing card.

Question is, will it be enough
to pull the ex-garbage king
out of the dumps?

Financial, that is.
This sportscaster
doesn't think so.

- Cigar, Charlie?
- Hank, whenever you
offer me a cigar,

old friends start
to become cunning enemies.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

How long
we been playin'
poker together?

Twenty years? Twenty-five?
Sure, that's how I got
talked into the note.

Well, what
I'm gettin' at,
Charlie, is this.

You're a man who likes
to take a chance, and
I think I got a deal for ya.

- Like what?
- Like, say,
we make a bet.

Like, say, if I win,
I keep the club.

If I lose, you buy it--
at your price.

Well, now, that
sounds interesting.
What's your wager?

I say... the atoms...

Win... half
their ball games.

Wha-- seven games?

Th-that's more than they won
in the last ten years
put together.

- Not a bad bet, huh?
- Ye-- well, now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
What's the catch?

- No catch.
- What are you,
some sort of a nut?

Charlie, i'm
up the creek.

Flat. Zippo.

How 'bout it?
Is it a bet?

I'll tell you what,
Hank.
Huh?

I got a better bet
for ya.

What's that?
Any team that can go
from zero to seven wins...

Can go from zero
to the super bowl.

The super bowl?
The bet was
your idea, Hank.

If you wanna hang on
to your team--

- the super bowl?
- I'll refinance you
for one year.

You have to get
to the super bowl and win it
or you lose the team.

Ch-Charlie,
I wanna hang on to that team,
but you're diggin' my grave.

Hank.
What are friends for?

Hi, Andy.
How do you like
lukom's ranch?

Very much.
It reminds me
of home.

Well, a letter
from yugoslavia
came to the office.

My family!
Maybe papa got
the clipping.

Oh, boy, I bet
they're proud of you.

Oh, could I have
the stamp?
Sure.

Bad news?
Good news, about
my brother, stjepan,

and papa says that
he played brilliantly
against Brazil.

Stjepan kicked
four goals and won
the game single-handed.

That's great, but wh--
where does it mention you?

In the p.S.

"We received your
newspaper clipping
but could not read it...

"Because of the caviar
that was spilled on it...

During stjepan's
victory celebration."

Same old papa.

Isn't there
something I could do?

How about writing you
a cheerful letter?

Or maybe going
out to dinner
with me tonight?

Ohh. I made a date
with Rob.

- Oh.
- You know, I haven't
seen him very much lately,

and I just don't know how
I could break it.

- Yeah. I understand.
- Otherwise I'd love to.

Yeah.

Gus! What is it?

I'll call the vet
and cancel
the date with Rob.

Oh, no, no. You go ahead.
I'll take care of it.

Don't be silly.
If Gus is sick,
I want to be here.

It's okay. You'll be okay.

I'd like to say
I cured him,

but this mule's
healthy as a horse.

I'll see you folks.

It was like a miracle
that he recovered.

Yes.

You know, in my country,
when a dinner date
is canceled, it's canceled.

I think I like
your customs.

And your miracles.

I don't believe it. That Debbie
stood me up for two hours in
front of a Chinese restaurant.

And I don't even like
Chinese food!

Hey, she called and asked me
to give you a message, but
I didn't know where you'd gone.

Said something about
Gus the mule being sick
and her taking care of him.

Gus the mule?
I got that Yugoslav
comin' outta my ears.

Hello. Is Debbie there?

- No, she isn't.
- Where is she?
Out back with the mule?

No, she's out with Andy.
Left for the drive-in movie
about an hour ago.

- Any message?
- Yeah, but I'll
deliver it myself.

Debbie? Debbie,
would you mind
steppin' out?

Debbie, I know
you're in there.

All right, if you
won't come out, then
I'm comin' in. Aah.

I thought
we had a da--
i-- sorry.

I am really sorry.

Oh, boy,
am I sorry.

* oh, say, does that

* star-spangled banner

* yet wave

* o'er the land of the free

* and the home of the brave

it's the home of the brave, all
right. Can't be more than a
handful of people here tonight.

Well, we saw what
the fans thought of the mule.

Now I guess we're seeing
what they think of the team.

This is Johnny unitas,
and here's my good
friend and cohort--

well, howdy there,
football fans.
You, too, mother.

Pepper Allen here.
Just down on the field
collecting some stats.

And it's just about
kickoff time.

Time to welcome
the old pepper pot
into your living rooms...

For another season of
great, great football
on football night of the week.

Week after week,
I'll be with ya, step by step,
name by name, game by game,

and, of course, sittin'
right here beside me, I'll have
my old buddy Johnny unitas.

He'll be carryin' the ball
right along with me,
right, John? Right.

But don't you worry, fans.
The old pepper pot will be right
here to fall on any fumbles.

Yeah, we're gonna
be watchin' a very interesting
team here tonight, folks,

'cause this atom ball club
has nowhere to go but up!

I mean, it's a team that, during
the entire exhibition season,
they didn't win a single game!

Strike that!
They didn't score
a single touchdown.

Strike that!
Couldn't buy
a single point.

And if you can't go up from
there, football fans, I don't
know where you can go up from.

Right, Johnny?
Right.

Hey, have we got some
interesting match-ups
for you tonight.

Through the magic of
pepper's profiles, i'm
gonna give you an insight...

On some of the players
who'll be makin' it happen
right down there on the field.

Would you roll
that film, please,
back there?

Excuse me, pepper.
They're about to kick off.

Who? Oh!

The green bay packers, folks.
They're lining up.

And we're ready to go.

Roy really got his toe
into that one. Right
in and out of the end zone.

Yeah! The atoms
get the first break
of the ball game.

They don't have
to run it back!

All right, offense!
Offense! Get in there
and stick it to 'em!

Yeah, you don't have to be a
Johnny unitas to know that the
only chance those atoms have...

Is to pass that ball,
right, Johnny?

Right. Take it
from the old pepper.

Now, if I were that
quarterback, i-I'd
come right out throwin'!

Throw, throw,
throw!

Four! 68! Hut!

They came out throwing,
all right.

They got thrown back
for four yards,
making it second and 14.

Get set!
53! 41! Hut!

Ellis is dropping back. Looks
like they're taking your advice,
pepper. They're gonna pass.

Oh, no!

Well, it's fourth down and 18.
I guess we better punt.

Hold it!
Uh, you don't want
to punt, Mr. Cooper?

We're going for
the field goal, coach.
From our own 12 yard line?

If o'brien turned around
and kicked the other way, he
couldn't make a field goal.

It's a field goal,
coach.

Yeah, but wha--

uh-oh. A little
confusion down there.

The mule has romped
onto the field.

You're gonna do what?

Mr. Cooper's orders.
Someone throws me
the ball, and I hold it.

Then Gus kicks it,
and then we score
a touchdown.

Not a touchdown,
you yugoslavian midget.
A field goal. Three points?

If they're crazy enough
to let us get away with it.

Now you're gonna
have to get that mule
off the field, Mr. Cooper,

unless you wanna
forfeit the game.

Oh, no, we don't want
to forfeit the game,
do we, Mr. Cooper?

We're not
forfeiting
anything.

The mule
stays in,
and he kicks.

There's no way
they're gonna let
that mule kick.

The referee is talking
to someone on the
field phone, pepper.

Johnny, please, stick with
the money, John. Was the old
pepper pot ever wrong?

Take it from me.
If the atoms think they're
going to let that mule kick,

it's pie in the sky,
and I never lie!

Heh-heh, there's
just no way!

How 'bout this way--
there's no way!

Ladies
and gentlemen, may I have
your attention, please?

I have been asked
to read a bulletin.

According to
the official rules of
the national football league,

rule 5, section 1,

the game is to be
played by two teams
of 11 players each.

The rule book does not
define the word "player."

Therefore, a player
could be a man, a woman...

Or anyone a team chooses
to represent them on the field.

And so, ladies and
gentlemen, the mule "Gus"
will be allowed to play.

And as you say, pepper,
"there's no way."

Oich!

*

Hank, that mule
was a cheap trick.

What trick? You shoved
an impossible bet up my armpit.

- I stuck you with a mule.
- Well, you'll never get
away with it, Hank.

You wouldn't like to make
a little bet on that, too,
would you, Charlie?

Another beautiful evening
here in Adams stadium
and another capacity crowd.

The fans in these parts
have gone bananas.

Four weeks into the season,
and who is undefeated,

and who's in a tie
for first place
in the western division?

Yes, sir, our own
astounding California atoms.

Now let's go
down to the field
for the introductions.

At 229, number 50,

Fred stillwell.

*
at 235, number 61,

Marvin schnall.

*
at 250, number 57,

- Rob cargil.
- *

and weighing in
at 1,374 pounds,

number double zero,
Gus Petrovic.

*

*

all right, men,
this is another
tough one.

I want you
to get out there
and stick it right to 'em.

This is a 40-man team,
and I want a 40-man effort.

- Are you with me?
- Yeah!

Here comes the atoms'
third-down play.

Ellis is back to pass.
Receivers are well-covered.
He looks, he looks--

oh, he's smothered.
It's another big loss,

and listen to those
atoms fans cheer!

Never heard a team cheered
for losing ground before,

but you're going
to be hearing it
all evening, folks,

'cause with fourth and 24
on their own nine yard line,
here comes the reason.

Go get 'em, Gus!

Ready, Gus?

Oich!

*

*

that's the way
to go, Andy!

San Francisco's ball,
good field position.

Remember, Tucker
likes to throw the ball.

Yes, he's back to pass.
It looks. Like a screen

and cargil is
over fast to cover.

Kid. Kid!
Say somethin'.

I did it
all for you, papa.

*

here comes Gus
trotting out
on the field once again.

The question now is,
who is going
to hold for him?

I have seen everything.

I've seen many players
carried off the field
on stretchers, folks,

but I've never seen
anything like this.

Oich.

*

Cargil! Cargil!

Cargil!

You-- you're
trying to ruin me.

I saw what happened!
It was a deliberate hit.

Mr. Cooper, I'm tellin' ya.
It was an accident.

Then it's
a $1,000 accident, because
that's what it's costin' ya.

One thousand dollars.

And a new suit!

And a box of cigars!

Don't worry.
Cal, they've won
four in a row.

They're tied
for first place!
Relax, will you?

What chance have they got
to get to the super bowl
anyway?

What chance?
With that four-legged George blanda kicking field goals,

it is a definite possibility!

All right. So what
we need is an edge.

You got somethin'
in mind?

I'll work on it.

Spinner, crankcase, I've
spent ten years of my life
observing you two men.

I've seen you
come in together
and go out together.

I've seen you
come back in together
and go back out together,

and I've seen you
come back in--

yeah, yeah, warden.
We know.

You seen us
come in together, and you
seen us go back out together.

For the last time!
We're splittin' up.

Well, I'm delighted.

Then I wish you gentlemen
both a happier
and healthier tomorrow.

Thank you, warden.
Good luck.

Slayko, Lester slayko. Sports
columnist for united press
international, Mr. Lukom?

We thought
there'd be a nice, warm
human interest story...

About the ranch where
Gus the mule is staying.

And of course about
the man who boards him.

Oh, good, good. Well, now,
would you mind if I asked you
a couple of questions?

Oh, good, good.
Now, I gather that Gus
sleeps in a barn. Hmm?

His own stall?
With security,
I assume?

No security as yet.
Uh-huh.

Now, do you drive him
to the stadium
before the game?

Gordon horse vans.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, now, th-that's,
uh, g-o-r-d-o-n?

Yeah.
Capital g-o-r--

Wow. That's
the famous mule, huh?

Well, I heard a lot
about ya, Andy--

oh, no, I'm Andy.
This is Gus.

Oh. Ye-- yah, well--
oh, well, pardon me. I'm not
too good at names or faces.

Have you
driven us before?

No, I just got out.
I mean, uh, to these parts.

Yeah. No.

Well, y-you do know
the way to the stadium.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I'll get you there
in plenty of time for the game.
Yeah. I know a shortcut.

It's gonna be all right.
Uh, wanna load him up?

Can't figure it out.
That shortcut disappeared.

Perhaps if we took
the longcut it wouldn't
use so much gasoline.

Oh, you're
a worrier, kid.

By game time, you and I
will be there watchin'
that mule in action.

Uh, Mr. Cooper?
Mr. Lukom said they left
about three hours ago.

By dog sled?
Well, maybe they got caught
in a traffic jam.

Joe, they could have
been here three hours ago
if Gus had ridden in on Andy.

Yeah, you were right
about the gas, but I was
right about the mule.

It's game time, and
we're watchin' him
in action.

Did ya hear about what
happened yesterday, Charlie?
Yeah, Hank.

It's a shame.
Mule missed the
whole game, huh?

Yeah. Yeah!
It was the darndest thing!

Seems like somebody
slipped in a phony driver.

Oh, Hank,
deliberately?

Now, aren't you exaggerating
just a little bit?

Maybe I am, Charlie,
but I tell you this:

If it happens again,
whoever did it is going to get
his tail full of buckshot.

Men, this is a proud team.

This season, we've won
four times together.

Now, last week,
we went down together,

but the Mark of a great team
is whether they can
come back together!

Yeah!
All right!

Now, first place
is waitin' for us, men.

So this week,
we're gonna get off the ground,

and we're gonna go out there
and we're gonna win together!

Are you with me?

Oich!

Let's count our blessings.

In a world sagging under the
burden of war, energy crisis,

bigotry, overpopulation,
crime and inflation,

it's a comfort
to have Andy and Gus.

The mule is a winner!

He's something we need
in our daily life.

If he hadn't just happened,
we would have had to invent
him.

For man needs hope...

And the assurance
that somehow, some way,

things are going to work out
for the better--

that we're all
going to be winners!

And it's taken a simple
mule from yugoslavia...

To make this
American dream come true
for the California atoms,

who are now ten and one
and tied for first place
in the western division.

And how would you like
to meet the young man
who, with his mule,

has helped bring
the peoples of these
two great countries,

America
and yugoslavia, together?

Our candidates for
goodwill ambassadors
of the year:

Gus and his co-hero,
Andy Petrovic.

Andy, you've
captured the heart
and the imagination...

Of all America.

I feel very proud.

I would like to thank
Mr. Hank Cooper and everyone
else who has helped me,

and most of all,
I would like
to thank Gus.

Andy, we have
a surprise for you.

Through the magic of telstar,

we are going to take you back
to a small farm in yugoslavia,

where a proud family is waiting
to be reunited with you.

Come in, yugoslavia!

- Andy!
- Mama! Papa!

It must make you very proud
to have a son who's a hero
like Andy, Mr. Petrovic.

I don't understand.
What hero?

The mule kicks,
and Andy holds
the ball.

A finger
is a hero?

You want
to see a hero?

I'll show you
a hero. Hah!

My brother, stjepan.

The greatest
soccer player
in all of Europe.

Fine, but this is
a salute to Andy
and-- and Gus.

Good. While you're
saluting a finger,

maybe also you
should salute
a hero!

Uh, well, thank you for the
visit, Mr. and Mrs. Petrovic.

What soccer is
to the rest of the world,
football is to America.

And we can all pay tribute
to these newly crowned American
heroes tomorrow-- sunday--

now officially
called "Gus day."

And as we cheer for Gus
tomorrow, we'll be cheering...

For the mule in all of us.

A privilege to meet you,
inspector Henderson.

May I ask the reason
for the visit?

Just wanted to make sure
your boys are on their toes,
that's all.

We pembertons
are never off them, sir.

We have Gus
secured in his stable,

all ready for
his big night tonight.

Well, then, captain, perhaps
you have an explanation
for that, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Men!

Shh!

Drink up, Gus.
Today's your day.

*

welcome, ladies and
gentlemen, to the biggest
celebration of the year.

It looks like the whole city
has turned out to honor
its favorite two citizens.

I've never seen anything
like it. This stadium is
rocking with Gus fans!

And let me tell ya.
The spirit is catching, folks.

And I do mean catching.

Well, there are dignitaries
from all over the state.

They've come here
for the pre-game ceremony.

Let's see. There's the
honorable mayor, Tom Lansing,
and his lovely wife, Loretta,

and representatives
of boy and girl scouts...

And our own
beauteous atomettes.

Let's see. That roar
from the crowd can mean
only one thing, folks.

*
yes, here comes Andy and Gus
in their proudest moment.

Come on, Gus.
Shape up.

Let's see. The mayor
is now stepping forward
to make the presentation.

Whoa! Help!
Someone, help!

- Gus!
- Wha--
help! Get me up, somebody!

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!

- Gus!
- Stop! Stop!

Whoa!

Come back, Gus!

Aah!

Well, we're set to go, folks.
The eagles have won the toss,
and Gus will kick off...

And if Gus plays with
half the spirit he's shown
during the pregame ceremonies,

watch out, eagles!

Oich!

Tsk. Shame to see ya drop
to second place, Hank.

What happened to the mule?
Was he sick or what?

You know darn well
what happened.

We ran his oats
through a lab and made
an interesting discovery.

How'd ya like to try
a few of those oats,
Charlie?

Or don't ya drink
before breakfast?

Well, all I know is I've got
a friend who has problems,

so I came here
with an olive branch.

Whaddya got on it,
arsenic?

Hank, I'm meeting
the other offers
for the team--

if you sell right now.

Your offer couldn't have
been better timed, Charlie.

- Now I know you're sweatin'.
- Hank, you're playing with
a cold deck.

Come on.
How about it?

Sorry, Charlie.
There's an old
yugoslavian expression.

Never switch mules
in the middle
of a shave.

Well, the atoms really
showed 'em how it's done
here in buffalo today, folks.

It was Gus 30, the bills 27.

That moves the California club
into a first-place tie with
the rams, who lost today,

and it sets up the really
big one for next week,

when the atoms play
those same Los Angeles rams
for the divisional title.

Incidentally, for wives
and sweethearts who want
to meet the team,

the atoms' plane will arrive
at 10:30 tonight in Los Angeles.

How are you?

Oich!

Two things happened
to Rob cargil, the atoms'
star linebacker today:

He went to the hospital, and he
went to the Michigan mammoths.

Too late to help 'em much
this year, even if they
make it to the super bowl,

unless you make tackles
from a wheelchair.

The rumor is that Rob was
the third side of one of those
eternal triangles,

and there's been
bad blood between him
and Andy Petrovic all season.

As for Andy,
he hasn't got a problem
in the world these days,

as he and Gus lead the atoms
into the divisional
title game this sunday.

Yes, this is he
speaking.

This is memorial hospital,
Mr. Petrovic.

Yes?
I've been instructed to call you
by a miss Debbie kovacs.

Debbie?
Uh, what's happened
to Debbie?

Well, there's been
an accident, but she's
in very good hands.

- Uh, who is this?
- I'm Dr. Ernest Goldman.

See, it was
a two-car collision.
What a mess!

But you're not to worry.
Those were her very words.

She knows you got a crucial game
to play today, and she wants
you shouldn't miss it.

Uh, where is
memorial hospital?

- Oh, you're not to come
down here, sir.
- H-how do I find the hospital?

You take
the Santa Ana freeway
to the orange grove off-ramp.

Turn left at beach boulevard
about four miles.
Then take a right.

Dr. Wylie. Dr. Wylie.
Call surgery.

Mr. Petrovic?
Dr. Goldman?

- Right this way, please.
- Dr. Danbry. Call x ray.

Now if you'll notice
right here, the--

I couldn't expect
a layman like you
to be able to read this,

but, uh,
to the practiced eye,
it's quite obvious.

Now, you see the pressure
in the ventricular globule
in the tertiary gland?

Well, that's causing an
obstruction in the, uh,
lumbar columbado region.

Ohh.

Uh, ahem,
room's ready, doctor.
Thank you, doctor.

Dr. Deloo. Dr. Deloo.
Call inhalation therapy.

Oh, where's Debbie?
She's fine.

Right now, she
needs an immediate
blood transfusion.

What type blood
you got?
Uh, i-I'm not sure.

Perfect. Just
the kind she needs.
Here you are.

Change into these.
Wait here.
I'll be right back.

- But, Dr. Goldman, i--
- I said I'll be right back.

What do you mean
he isn't with ya?
We just brought the mule.

We thought Andy
was with you.
You thought?

You thought?
I hired you guys
for muscle.

If I wanted somebody
to think, I'd have hired
the supreme court!

Oh, how's Debbie?

I've been waiting here
for the transfusion,
but nobody's come in.

Patience, Patience,
my boy. Everything's
going along perfectly.

She sent you a message.
She said, "everything's
going along perfectly.

Just knowing you're here
eases the pain."

Oh, if only I could see her!
Will you relax,
Sonny boy?

You'll get your blood all
bubbly, and that wouldn't do you
any good for the transfusion.

Where are you taking those?
Well, I'm taking these
to the transfusion room.

You see, the minute
you're finished, you just
slide off the table,

slip into these
and you're on your way
to the game.

You keep your eye on
'im while I dump these.

What if somebody
wants to come in?

Tell 'em ya got an
extreme case of
dementia praecox in there.

What kind of peacock?

You know--

oh, you mean
the peacock's cuckoo?

Dr. Gray. Dr. Gray--

excuse me.
Uh, Mr. Cooper?
I just heard from Andy.

Where is he?
Well, there's been
some kind of emergency.

He said he'd be here
as soon as he gives
Debbie a transfusion.

Does that girl look like
she needs a transfusion?

Oh, uh, no.
No, no, not at all.

You--
great shape!

Dr. Terussa. Call radiology.
Uh, excuse me.
You can't go in there.

- Pardon me.
- Oh, no. You see, we have
a demented peacock in there.

- A what?
- Uh, uh, a, uh---

what about my transfusion?
I have to hurry. I'm playing
a very important football game.

Football? Oh, sure, yeah.
I'll tell ya what. Why don't we
bring the goalposts here, Gus?

Oh, no. No, i-I'm not Gus.
I'm Andy. You must believe me.
We do.

Yeah, we do. Yeah. Sure,
you can be anybody you want
here. Man o' war, rin tin tin.

How about dumbo,
the flying elephant?

Hasn't got both oars
in the water.

Mm-hmm.

It's fourth down, Mr. Cooper.
Guess we oughta punt, huh?
Excuse me.

I've checked every hospital
in town, Mr. Cooper.
No sign of Andy.

Well, we're goin' for
the field goal, anyway.

O'brien?
Get ready to go in there
and hold for Gus.

Stretcher bearers,
get ready to go
in there for o'brien.

Then there's no
Debbie kovacs registered?

No, sir. I'm sorry.
There isn't.

Okay, get it!

I've heard of a one-man dog,
but how could I wind up
with a one-man mule?

Well, there's still
a chance, Mr. Cooper.
There's a whole quarter left.

Ah, Debbie, we could have two
weeks left, but without Andy
holding for Gus, we're dead.

Dr. Carlisle. Dr. Carlisle.
Call 2411.

Shhh.

Oh, my. Well, folks,
any dreams the atoms had
of going to the super bowl...

Have vanished
along with their little
placekick holder, Andy.

Eighteen seconds to go.
Atoms' ball on their own 48.

Usually an automatic
field goal for Gus,

but he refuses to kick
for anybody but Andy.

Gus is out there,
Mr. Cooper.

The question is,
who are we gonna send
out there with him?

*

All right, block that kick!

Block that kick! Block
that kick! Block that kick!

Oich! Please, Gus,for Andy!

*

Andy!

My papa was right.

I'm some hero when-- when
anybody can take my place.

Well, if this were
my old aunt Hattie,

I'd call it the vapors.

I have a feeling if Andy
walked through that door,
the vapors would disappear.

Gus is probably more
worried than any of us.

Not any more worried
than I am.

Where does a yugoslavian kid
go to drown his sorrows?

I think I know.

Twa flight 615 now departing.

Hey, Andy! Congratulations.
I was at the game today.
That was a great win.

Yeah, you're puttin' us
right on top, Andy.

All right, Andy.
Right up there, huh?

Andy, where's Gus?

Never mind.
Can I have your autograph?
I mean, for my kid.

What kid? It's for you.
And get one for me, too, harv.

Andy, are you going
back to New York?
No, b-back to yugoslavia.

But what about the play-offs
and the super bowl?

Gus will do very well
without me.

No, he won't.

Nor will an awful lot
of other people.

Debbie, I'm sorry.
I didn't plan for it
to happen this way.

It just happened.
I have to go.

Okay. You have to go,
but can't we just talk
for a minute?

All right,
for just a minute.

Andy--
Debbie, before you start, I know
now that my papa was right.

Your papa? Your papa?
My papa was right
all along, Debbie.

I was never really a player.
If it weren't for Gus, i--

Andy, listen to me.

It isn't your papa.
It's you.

You've gotta be something
in your own eyes...

Before you can be anything
to anybody else.

Sure. In the meantime,
my brother stjepan's the hero.

Hero? Who cares
if you're a hero or not...

If you're not man enough
to stay here and fight...

For something or somebody
you care about?

Okay, go.

Go ahead. Run away.

You're just going to prove
to everybody that that zero
on your uniform is right.

To yugoslavia?
You told him off?
Couldn't you just stop him?

She did, Mr. Cooper.
Hi, kid.

That mule is nothin'
without him, Debbie.
Nothin'!

Once he's
on that plane--

where you been, huh?
Well, i--

never mind where you been.
I'll tell you where you're
gonna be from now on!

Anywhere you say, Mr. Cooper.
I just want to say that
I'm sorry for all the trouble.

Uh-huh.
I want to apologize to you
and-and to Debbie--

okay, okay, okay.

You just win the play-offs
and the super bowl,
and all is forgiven.

Right now, you and Gus
are going into hidin'.
It's all arranged.

Yes, sir. Whatever you say.
But right now,
I've gotta see Debbie.

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.
Nothing doing.

Nobody's goin' near you
till after the super bowl.

N-not even Debbie?

Not even nobody.

Yeah, well, Miami was tough.
It was real tough,

but I, I had a gut feeling
that we'd take 'em if we just,

you know, ran right into their
strength and, and passed
right into that zone...

And swept right
around those ends.

Uh, how about
the 14 field goals by Gus?

Oh, yeah, well,
they helped too.

Well, thank you,
coach venner.

And good luck
in the Superbowl,
all you atoms.

Good game. Way to go.
Nice game.

Really good.
That's the way to do it,
isn't it? Huh?

Good game, fellas.
Keep it up, guys.
Keep it up.

Hey, Hank, you're
lookin' like a winner.
Gentlemen--

congratulations.
Lookin' like a winner.

Well, we'll know in two weeks,
won't we, Charlie?
Oh, come on.

With Gus and Andy in there,
heh, the mammoths
don't stand a chance.

By the way, where is Andy?
I'd like to congratulate
him too.

Oh, I'm sure you would,
but you'd need a fast car.

Car?
Or plane.

Maybe even a boat.

Hank, I just want
to congratulate him.

I'll tell you what.
I'll arrange a special
interview with him...

Right after we win
the super bowl.

Andy, are you all right?

No. It is my heart.

Your heart?
Yes. It is
very lonely.

Mine too. Andy...
I really miss you.

Me too.
You would love it here.

When you climb
to the top of the mountain,
you can see the ocean.

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

Uh-huh.

Can see the ocean?
Can see the--

wait a minute. Sure!

Hank Cooper's got a cabin
in the Malibu mountains in L.A.

Now, Cal, if I was
a betting man--

What's going on here?

Oh, I am just so sorry
that my boys aren't here
to help me.

You see, I was trying
to turn the bus around,
and look what happened.

Could you lend me
a hand, please?

Well, I don't know.
I think--
Gus can help. He's strong.

Not on your life.
Anything happens to him,
it'll be my life.

Back on our farm
when wagon is stuck,
we use a lever.

I'll show you.

Well, we might as well.
We can't get by you anyway.

Excuse me, Gus.
We'll be on our way
in just a minute.

Okay.

No, you're not lookin'
at a mirror, Gus. That's just
the world's greatest paint job.

Now, we're gonna play
a little musical mule,
so come on, out you go.

It's just the two of us,
and we'd like twin
double beds, please.

Yes, sir.
Room 319.

Thank you.
Oopsy-Daisy!

- Well, what's the matter?
- It's my contact lenses.

They're always dropping out, and
they bounce all over the place.

Well, let me help.
I've got 20/20 vision.

Very kind of you.

Now, you have
to be careful.

Yeah.
Try over there.

Found it.
Huh?

Where?
I don't see it.

Oh, you oughta
have your eyes checked.
You need these worse than I do.

You've been very helpful.

Press three.

You know,
this is crazy, spinner.

We shouldn't have brought,
uh, you-know-who here.

We should have gone
right to Mexico.

With the most famous mule
in the country? Now, suppose
the cops would've caught us?

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Hey, I wonder if that
Cooper and company found out
they got the wrong mule yet.

Well, how would I know?
The whole thing went off
without a hitch.

Now, will you
get some sleep?

Tomorrow, right after the game,
we gotta get outta here.

Is that you, spinner?

What?

Somebody just crawled
in bed with me.

Well, I guess
he had to sleep somewhere.
Yeah, but why with me?

Well, how should I know?
Maybe you remind him
of his mother.

Now go to sleep.

Hmm.

Hey!

Night.

How'd he sleep last night?

Never better, Mr. Cooper.

But you know something?
He looks like he's put on
a few pounds, almost overnight.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
he can look like a whale...

As long as he doesn't go
out there and kick like one.

Wanna order
of two glasses
of orange juice,

two orders of toast--
one whole wheat, one rye--

an order of scrambled
eggs and bacon,

an order of, uh,
eggs over with sausage.

Oh, uh,
you got any oatmeal?

Well, send up a bucket.

Raw.

Same to you.

Yes, sir.
Here we are, folks.
The old pepper pot,

pepper Allan and
his favorite sidekick,
Johnny unitas.

We're here
in the city of the angels
on a rainy super bowl sunday.

Game after game,
week after week,

the struggle,
the anguish, the heartbreak
of the whole season...

Has unfolded
before your eyes.

And I've brought you
some great ones, haven't I?
You bet I have.

I've given you
the highlights, the insights
and even the hindsights,

but the story of the year
has got to be this amazing
California atoms team...

And their miracle
mule, Gus.

They've gone from
the bottom of the pile
to winners by a mile.

And now what
are they gonna do to those
Michigan mammoths, Johnny?

I'll tell you what
they're gonna do.

As sure as there's
clouds in the sky
and rain in your eye,

it's money in the bank
for the atoms.

They may be short-changed
today, pepper.
The sun's coming out.

Well, sun or no sun, folks,
a muddy field means
turnover time,

and let me tell you
what turnover means
to those atoms.

They've lived by
the turnover all year long,

and the question is,
will they live or die
by the turnover today?

While you're working
on the answer, pepper,

we've got some guests
from overseas in the booth,

and we'd better introduce them
before their visas run out.

You bet we have, Johnny.
Flown in all the way
from yugoslavia--

at no small expense
to our network--
mama and papa Petrovic.

It must be a thrill for you
to be here this afternoon
to see your son Andy perform.

Andy good boy.
Good farmer.

Goats and pigs
not the same since he left.

Mr. Petrovic,
there may be panic
in the pig pen,

but we're talkin' about
a great American hero.

Oh, the finger, yeah.

Papa, maybe Andy is a hero.

A man who holds the ball
for a mule to kick?
We'll see.

We'll all see.
Yes, indeed, folks,
'cause here they come.

Both teams out
on the rain-soaked field,
and the dream game...

That 100 million fanatic fans
have been waiting for
is about to happen...

And old pepper
is gonna bring it to ya
right into your living room.

And here's
a little scoop for you
right from the pepper pot.

Rob cargil,
the ex-atom meat grinder,

is suited up and sitting
on the Michigan bench,

splints and all,
ready if needed.

Let me tell ya, folks,
right now he's the meanest
machine you've ever seen.

Well, here comes the kickoff.

Are you ready, Gus?

Oich!

What happened?
Huh?

Gus, what's the matter?

Gus? Are you Gus?

You're not Gus!

Hey, that mule's gone ape.
What's the matter with him?

Whatever it is, stay away
from his hind legs...

Unless you wanna wind up
lookin' like that TV set.

Hey!

What's goin' on out there?
Where'd that white spot
come from?

Something must've
rubbed off, Mr. Cooper.

You know,
I got a sister-in-law
who had a nose job.

Maybe we've got a--
a mule with a paint job.

No, just kidding.

That's not even Gus,
you nincompoop!

Hey!

It's a fraud!
The old shell game, folks.

Hank Cooper and
the missing mule have made
jackasses of all of you.

I tried to tell you.
Didn't I, Johnny?
You bet I did.

The bubble
had to burst sometime,

and the bubble burst
right in the first half.

So far, this super bowl
has been a laugher
for the mammoths,

but I don't seem
to hear any laughin',
do you, Johnny?

No, I don't either.
Especially from the atoms.

'Cause take it from us,
folks, there's no more Gus.

Mr. Cooper,
they've spotted Gus.
Where is he?

Somewhere near topanga canyon,
but they lost him.
Let's go, kid.

But where?
How do I know?
We're gonna find him,

and if we don't,
nobody better find
the two of us.

See anything,
Mr. Cooper?

Same thing you do, kid.
Nothing.

That half-time
must be almost over.

Uh, excuse me.

Listen, no mule
is gonna outsmart us.

Yeah? Well, he's doing
a pretty good job so far.

This place is as good
as any corral.

Now, you round him up,
and I'll lasso him.
You think you can handle that?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I used to be a bus boy
on a dude ranch.

I got him!

Spinner! I got him!
I got him!

Hi.

Oh... oh.

Hello.

Am I in your way?

Whooaahh!

I got him.
Oh. I got him.

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa there.
Whoa. Whoa.

Steady now, Gus.
Hold it. Whoa.

Let go of me!

Ohhh!

Who was that?

Oh, yes.
We package it
all ourselves.

That's how we built
our reputation for having
the freshest meat in town.

Hey! Hey!

Freshest meat!

All right, all right,
all right.

Look, crankcase,
you go have a look
over there, huh?

Yeah.
Hey.

Huh?
And try and be
a little more discreet.

Get him! Get him!

Ohhh.

Ohhh! Help!
Aaah! Whoa!

- Ohhh.
- Hey, mom, look at that!

What are you doing
in there, huh?

Hey, don't--
don't do that!

All right,
quit foolin' around.
Huh?

Stay close.

Which--

which way did he go?

I don't know, but
I'll tell you one thing. I'd
settle for goin' back to jail.

Not with 25 g's at stake.

Now, you go over there.
I'm goin' up here
for a better look.

Oh, wait a minute.
Here.

Get me a bottle of aspirin.
I got an awful headache.

Aaaaah! No!

Whoa.

Whoa, Gus. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa. Wh--

whoa. Whoa!

Oh.

Spinner, I got him!

Tsk. Really!

Oh, my goodness!
I'm a mess!

Give him room!
Get out of the way!

Give him some room!
Somebody stop him! No!

Sorry, Mr. Cooper.
There's no sign of him at all.

And it's one hour
till doomsday.

Not yet!
Look down there!
It's Gus!

Another
of pepper's predictions
was right again, folks.

Safe and sound,
Gus has been found!

And the mule-nappers
are on their way
to the rock pile.

Ah, but before you start
cheerin' for the atoms,

remember it's a long way
from topanga canyon
to the coliseum.

And there is no way--
no way they can get him
here on time.

Uh, pepper,
there's one way.

Johnny, there is no way.

Unless-- unless they
bring him in by helicopter,

and if they listen
to the old pepper pot,

that's exactly
what they'll do.

Oich!

Oich!

Unbelievable!
Inconceivable!

What a comeback, folks!

Five consecutive
field goals!

The atoms have been
stickin' and the mule
has been kickin'.

And with two minutes
to play, don't go away!

The old pepper pot...

Wouldn't miss bringin' this
to you for a-- for--

well, at last,
it's nice to come into
your livin' room, everybody.

If you think you've seen
a miracle on the field,

we've been treated
to an even bigger one
here in the booth.

The old pepper head's
ground to a halt.

But I think I know
what he'd like to say.

Week after week,
game after game,

play after play,
have I ever been wrong?

And now, with all my insight,
hindsight and foresight,
let me tell you, mother,

this is the greatest
comeback in the history
of American sports.

Win or lose, the atoms
have made it a game.

And I told you all along,
and I'm telling you again,

the mule is the team
and the team's on the beam.

Yes, sirree.
And how have the atoms
been doing it, folks?

No muss, no fuss,
just Gus.

Right, pepper?
Right.

There! Five three!

One, twenty-nine,
and... hut!

Well, it looks as if
you've won yourself
a ball team, Charlie.

And the first thing you're
gonna do is to get that mule's
hoofprint on a contract.

Better work on our
goal line defense.
Prescott.

With ten seconds left,
what's the difference if they
win by one or a hundred?

Well, losing by one point
isn't bad at all, Mr. Cooper.
It's something to be proud of.

Don't you understand?
I've lost the team.

Well, it's something
for the next owner
to be proud of.

Andy, you and Gus
have come so close,
I'm sure your papa realizes.

He must be proud of you.
It isn't papa
I'm worried about.

To him I'll always be
a half a hero.
It's Mr. Cooper.

I'm sorry we couldn't
win it for him.

Well, here they go,
Mr. Cooper.

Oh, good idea.
I can't watch either.

I'm praying.

Oh. Well, if you're
praying for rain, we've had
plenty of that already.

I'm praying for a--

fumble!

*

it's a fumble!
Andy, you and Gus get out there
and do your stuff!

But we have to kick
from the end zone,
Mr. Cooper,

and Gus isn't too accurate
over a hundred yards.

Kid, kid, just relax.

Be calm.
Don't think about a thing.

Forget that an old man's life
or death depends upon this kick,
and get out there!

Go, Andy!
Go, Gus!

Holy Toledo!
Look who's comin' in!

While you're down there,
say a little prayer, runt,
'cause when the ball's snapped,

I'm turning that spot into
a yugoslavian burial ground.

We've gone this far, Gus.
Now we're going all the way.

Oich! Gus!

Go, Andy!

He fumbled.
Oh, no!

Get it!

He's got it!

Go, Andy!

*

Yea!

This is my boy!
Is real hero, huh?

Well, Gus, your other half
stole the thunder,

but don't let it
get you down.

Even the best of them
slip once in a while.

Slip, Gus?
Come on.