Guns a Poppin! (1957) - full transcript

Told in flashback, Moe is on trial for assaulting Larry and Joe. It seems that Moe was in debt and suffering a nervous breakdown so Larry and Joe took him to the country for rest and relaxation. After a marauding bear ruined the peace and quiet, their cabin became the scene of a shoot-out between the sheriff and an escaped outlaw. The boys captured the bad guy, and the reward would have paid Moe's debts, but the crook escaped and Moe went after Larry and Joe with an ax.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

ALL:

Hello.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Moe, you're accused of

assaulting your two roommates

with intent

to commit mayhem.

You mean murder!

And he also tried

to kill us too.

Yeah, you ought to hold him

on a habeas corpusle.

Yeah, that's telling them, kid.

Yeah.

Quiet!

This complaint states

that you

attacked the plaintiffs

with this.

States Exhibit A.

You admit this is

your property, do you not?

Well, Your Honor,

do you mind if I look at it?

You see, I had my name carved

somewhere on the--

[GRUNTS]

A born killer, eh?

Sit down!

But, Your Honor,

if you let me tell

my side of the story...

You mean you have something

to say in extenuation?

Oh, not that. No, no.

Not that, Your Honor.

You see,

I had a good reason.

Were you ever indicted?

Not since I was a baby,

Your Honor.

But I'm a sick man.

A very sick man.

And I've had two very serious

operations.

And this one here

for crushed grape seeds.

Right here.

Oh, I have one exactly

like that.

You have?

Yeah.

Let me show it to you.

Look. See here?

Oh, that's a bum job.

That's like hem stitching

with a picot edge.

[LAUGHING]

Sit down, we'll continue

with the testimony.

As I said before,

Your Honor--

You see, Your Honor,

I'm a very sick man.

Firstly, my creditors

closed up my business.

Secondly,

I have to pay $10,000

or they'll put me

in bankruptcy.

And because of that,

I had a nervous breakdown.

So only a few days ago

I was terribly sick,

and my doctor said

I must have quiet.

Absolute quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Quit stomping around.

Scat!

[CAT MEWLS]

Oh, my nerves.

Oh.

I must have

106 and seven-eighths.

[GROANS]

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[THERMOMETER CRACKS]

MOE:

Quiet!

Quiet, you imbeciles!

Hey, Joe,

did you see my slide?

No.

[GROANING]

Maybe it flew in there.

Let's look.

Hey, Moe, did you see

a trombone slide?

No, but I see

a dream walking.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Moe!

My nerves.

[BOTH COUGHING]

Gee, what a sorehead.

Yeah.

What did you expect?

My creditors put me out

of business,

then I have

a nervous breakdown

and all you guys do

is make it worse.

You know my doctor said

I must have quiet!

Moe, what you really need

is the quiet of the country.

Yeah, Joe's right.

Just picture

the beautiful country.

The babbling brook,

the murmuring of the breezes

through the threes,

the mooses and the meeces.

And the fresh air.

[SNIFFS]

[COUGHS]

Moe, it'll make

a new man out of you.

Sounds pretty good.

Sure, can't you just see it?

Hunting and fishing.

And at night,

the open campfire.

And, far away in the distance,

you hear the call

of the wolf.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

That's the wrong wolf.

[HOWLING]

Not so loud.

Don't tell me. I know--

Don't yell at me.

Now, look, I--

That noise.

The noise.

The noise,

the noise!

Now you made him

nervous again.

Oh! Oh, quick.

Quick, my medicine.

My pills.

Medicine.

Larry.

All right, take it easy, Moe.

Take it easy.

[PILLS RATTLING]

That ought to cure him.

Or kill him.

We better get packed.

MOE:

Hey, grub is ready.

Come on,

sit down, fellas.

Oh, boy, am I hungry.

Hey, it's a good thing

we found this deserted cabin.

Hey, this area is fine

for hunting.

How do you know?

Well, I just saw a sign

outside that says

"fine for hunting."

Oh, fine for...

Oh.

Have some bread.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, scrambled eggs.

And don't touch them

until I come back

with the fried potatoes.

Hey, Joe,

I forgot the sugar.

I'll go get it.

You worm.

Where's your manners?

Why didn't you leave me

some of the eggs?

I didn't touch them.

MOE:

No, you did,

and don't make matters worse

by lying about it.

If this happens again,

I'll gauge your eyes out.

I'll tear your tonsils out

three at a time.

Oh, shut up!

[GROANS]

Big boss.

Always telling us what to do.

Don't do this,

don't do that.

Pardon me.

What did you say?

I said, oh, shut up.

[GROANS]

[COUGHS]

Now, now you know

what I mean.

Ooh!

At least I'll get my rightful

share of the potatoes.

I didn't do nothing!

No, you didn't do nothing.

You ate everything

but the plate.

Now you guys,

make my breakfast.

Boil me some noodles

and fry me some eggs.

Go on!

Okay, you fry the eggs,

I'll boil the noodles.

You're gonna eat noodles

for breakfast?

MOE:

All right, make it spaghetti.

Oh, that's different.

How do you want

your eggs?

Sunny-side down,

and don't turn them over.

Sunny-side over,

and don't turn them down?

This guy's nuts.

Where's that fresh honey?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Ah.

If there's anything I like

better than honey and ketchup

it's bologna and whipped cream,

and we haven't got any.

I'd love that.

Spaghetti is ready--

[SCREAMS]

MOE:

Oh!

What the...?

Spaghetti.

You stupe. Birdbrain.

Moe, there's--

There's-- There's--

[SPITS]

You imbeciles,

what's the matter with you?

There's a b-b-b-bear

in the window.

You're wacky, there's no bear

in any window.

There is too.

[GROWLS]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You're right.

There is a bear out there.

Here. You boys go out

and shot him.

I'd go too,

but my nerves won't let me.

I haven't got the nerve,

either.

Larry, you get him.

All right, I'll go.

But if that bear kills me

I'll never talk to you again.

Come on, Joe.

I'll be right behind you.

You see anything?

No.

Then what are you waiting for?

Go ahead.

Look at me shake,

and I've got the chills again.

Oh, my.

[SNIFFING]

[MOANS]

That bear sure

disappeared fast.

Get him, the bear.

Ouch!

Oh! Ow!

[GROANING]

Hey, Moe,

what do you know?

The bear got away.

Yeah, but you won't.

BOTH: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Hey, somebody's

starting our car.

Either I'm dreaming or

I flipped my lid completely.

Oh, my nerves, my nerves.

Hey, fellas. I just saw

a bear drive our car away.

He put his arm out

to make a turn.

Oh, oh.

Come here.

Come here.

Just sit down.

Yeah.

Relax, Moe.

Relax, he says.

I see bears driving cars.

I need $10,000.

Oh, I wanna go home!

Moe, sleep.

Sleep, Moe.

Shh.

[GUNFIRE]

I'll brain him!

I'll brain him!

[GUNSHOTS]

Cut out that shooting

or I'll brain you.

This is the sheriff.

I'm after

Mad Bill Hiccup.

The bandit.

Yeah, and you're not

gonna get me, either.

Oh...

They're driving me crazy.

[GROANS]

[GROANING]

Ow! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my nerves.

Oh!

[BONES CRACK]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my nerves.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you're squashing me.

Joe, Larry.

Help.

Get off him,

you big lummox.

He's sick.

What's the idea?

[GUNSHOTS]

Come on, Moe. Take it easy.

We'll get you there.

That's it.

Don't get nervous.

There you are, Moe.

Take a big swig of that.

Attaboy.

One false move

and I'll drill you guys.

Listen, you!

What?

Just listen.

[SIZZLING]

JOE: You can't do that!

MAD BILL: Oh?

JOE: What are you doing?

MAD BILL: Come on, fatso.

Cut it out--

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

[BULLET RICOCHETS]

[BULLETS RICOCHET]

[SPITS]

[GUNSHOT]

[BULLETS RICOCHET]

Yipe!

[GUNSHOTS]

Stick 'em up

or I'll blast you.

Yeah, stick 'em up

or he'll blast you.

Say, that's a nice gun

you have there.

Yeah, I got it

form my bar mitzvah.

Let me see it,

will you?

Sure.

Oh!

Hey, what are you trying

to do? Break his gun?

Get back there, you...

I'll get that rat.

[GUNFIRE]

[SIZZLING]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ooh!

Ooh, that hurts!

Ooh!

Get around

or I'll really hurt you.

[ALL POPPING]

Sheriff, come get this guy.

We got him.

All right,

don't move.

Hurry, hurry!

Oh, nice work,

fellas.

And I might add

very profitable too.

There's a $10,000 reward out

for this guy.

Ten thousand dollars!

Now I can pay

my creditors.

Oh, boy.

Sheriff, that's wonderful.

Thank you, sheriff.

Very much.

Oh, I gotta hug you

for that.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

You fools!

He got away!

He got away.

Now we won't get

the 10 grand.

You nitwits.

[BOTH SCREAM]

I'm gonna chop your heads off.

No!

Please.

[SPUTTERS]

Why you--

No, please.

No, Moe, please.

No, wait, no.

No, no.

I can explain

the whole thing.

I'll chop

your head off.

No, no, no!

Now my doctor says

I'll have to go back to bed

for six months.

I find the defendant

not guilty.

Case dismissed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You're entirely welcome.

Do you mind if I have Exhibit A

back again, Your Honor?

Certainly not.

Help yourself.

Thank you, Your Honor.

He's got political pull.

How do you like that?

Yeah.

Oh, boys.

Just a minute.

Don't talk to me, I'm mad.

Me too.

So am I.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, look.

Oh, it's a good thing

I got a hard head.

Oh, my nerves.

My nerves.

My nerves.

[♪♪♪]