Guns Akimbo (2019) Movie Script

You sit on your computers.

Liking pictures

of smiling babies.

Sharing inspirational quotes.

But what you

really wanna see is death.

You click on horrific

news headlines;

violence, destruction,

terrorism, war!

Because it makes

your shitty little lives

seem that little bit

less shitty.

You wanna go viral?

Skizm is the virus.

What the fuck is up people!

My name is Mr. Longshot!

And I'm Daddy Doubletaps,

and we're bringing you

your daily dose

- of the death toll!

- Okay right now,

if you're new here,

real quick,

what we do here

is we rip off

Skizm's stream to bring you

our commentary

'cause we're just the fuckin'

best at it!

Here we go.

Vadim versus Nix.

Head to head.

Who is gonna die today?

She's driving

like a fucking monster!

- Nix. Nix.

Die. Fuck you.

♪ I get to know

Your name ♪

♪ If I could trace

Your private number, baby ♪

God damn it!

Fuck him.

♪ All I know is that

to me ♪

♪ You look like

you're having fun ♪

Thanks

to Skizm's tech department

for bringing up this footage!

- Abso-fucking-lutely!

- Yes.

♪ You spin me right round

Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record baby

Right round round round ♪

Fuck him up.

♪ You spin me right round

Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby

Right round round round ♪

♪ You spin me round ♪

♪ You spin me right round ♪

♪ You spin me round ♪

Nix wins.

It can be a fucked up

world out there, right?

Skizm? Well that was fucked up

to the point

where it was threatening

civilization as we know it.

It was unstoppable...

until I came into the picture.

Hey. I'm Miles.

This is the story

of the worst day of my life.

- Dickhead.

- Sorry.

The day I became famous.

When I was a kid

I wanted to be a hero.

A warrior.

But instead I grew up to be

a nobody.

Flicking through the same

three apps on my phone

until it was time to sleep.

I used to work

in video games.

Sounds awesome, right?

Not when you're a code monkey

for a mindlessly addictive

cell phone game

designed to steal money

from parents credit cards.

The one place

I could still be a hero though

was behind my keyboard.

Trolling the trolls.

Oh, shit.

Um?

Hey.

- What the f...

- Dude!

Oh, shit, no. Don't tap. No.

Fucking...

- I'm not interrupting am I?

- No. No, no, no. Just, uh...

- just checking some stuff.

- Hey, uh...

can you sign

this going away card?

Uh, yeah.

Oops.

Uh, wait.

What... What is this?

We're currently downsizing

personnel.

- What? By how many?

- Just one.

- I didn't... But...

- Hey, relax, hombre.

It's a joke!

I'm just fucking with you!

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God your face.

Punk'd!

But if I catch you

jerking around again...

next card will be real.

Got that, amigo?

Si. Yes.

Seriously can I...

Can I borrow a pen?

- Fuck you.

- Whoa!

And then one night,

I hit the jackpot.

Skizm.

- Another Skizm...

- Skizm...

Skizm picked random

psychos, weirdos, and criminals

and made them fight each other

to the death.

It was twisted and disgusting.

Lee wins.

The worst side

of humanity on show.

Yes!

So, the internet

fucking loved it.

Skizm!

In real life,

I couldn't hurt a fly.

But behind the keys,

I was the fucking Terminator.

I was the ultimate

troll hunter.

I know I should have just

let it go,

but I couldn't resist.

Yeah.

Yeah, get angry at me.

Let's do this.

♪ Run wild ♪

♪ I'm on a mission

And I won't stop ♪

♪ No destination

But it's worth a shot ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

♪ Run wild

I'm on a mission ♪

You guys are real easy.

♪ No destination

but it's worth a shot ♪

♪ You gotta let me go ♪

Okay.

What?

Who the fuck are you, dude?

Stick your dick in...

a blender.

Okay.

Nova.

Yes. Of course.

♪ I don't want this to fade

I've been standing alone ♪

♪ I am feeling afraid

Afraid I can't let you know ♪

♪ You look at me with desire

Looking straight in my eye ♪

♪ Not learning less

Of what lies on ♪

♪ I'll blame it on

the better days ♪

♪ I'll even blame it

On your pretty face ♪

♪ 'Cause baby I can't see ♪

Hope you like it.

It's permanent.

I love it. Seriously,

Seriously, why are you not

doing comics for a living?

Right, just quit my job

and be another artist

living on Ramen,

soaked in my own tears.

I don't care,

you should just do it,

your stuff is awesome.

I haven't nailed

my super hero yet.

- What do you mean?

- That! You!

This guy?

This handsome guy right here?

Um.

Uh, okay, well what about,

like, uh...

- I've pitched this before...

- Oh, God, don't.

...but Man-Man.

He's a man who was bitten

by a radioactive man.

And he gets superhuman powers

of manliness.

- I mean...

- "My man sense is tingling."

Look, don't worry, okay?

This... This is

not another story

about a nerd

trying to get the girl

like she's an Xbox achievement

to be unlocked.

Coming.

This is not a love story.

Uh...

Hi, I... I think

you have the wrong apartment.

What the fuck.

Who the fuck are you?

Well, there he is. Big Man.

You scared yet?

Oh, fuck. What, that comment?

No. No. Shit, no.

That... That...

That was just a very dumb joke

that I... I... I did not mean.

Uh, can we just, like,

forget about it?

Oh, sheesh.

This is insane, right?

We're being, like,

total dicks here.

Why don't I just head off

and you... you have a pleasant

evening, dude.

Oh, what, really?

Oh, God. Just out of warranty.

Whoops-a-daisy.

Butterfingers.

Now, your busy little hands

they need to be taught a lesson.

No, no, no, no, no!

Please don't smash my hands.

No, no,

I really like using them.

No, relax, Miles. We didn't come

here to smash your hands.

Why did you tell me to bring

a hand smashing-hammer then?

I got something

even better planned for you.

Knock his ass out.

Wait, no, no. Seriously guys,

you don't need to do this to me.

I... I'm...

Shit!

That usually knocks 'em cold!

Jesus Christ.

What?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

What?

Fun factoid: gun shots

are way louder

than in the movies.

In real life,

Rambo would not be

killing guerilla fighters,

he would be

learning sign language.

Oh, God damn,

I missed you, oxygen.

And you have 24 hours

to kill her.

If you fail, you die.

Try to leave the city, you die.

Succeed, we let you in.

What the fuck is Nix?

♪ Oh, it's been getting

so hard ♪

♪ Living with the things

you do to me ♪

♪ My dreams

are getting so strange ♪

♪ I'd like to tell you

everything I see ♪

♪ Oh, I see a man at the back

As a matter of fact ♪

♪ His eyes are as red

as the sun ♪

♪ And the girl in the corner

Let no one ignore her ♪

♪ Cause she thinks

she's the passionate one ♪

♪ Oh yeah! ♪

♪ It was like lightning,

Everybody was fighting ♪

♪ And the music was soothing

And they all started grooving ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And the man in the back

said everyone attack ♪

♪ And it turned

into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ And the girl in the corner

Said boy I want to warn you ♪

♪ It'll turn

into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ Ballroom blitz ♪

Nix wins.

There we go,

that's another win

for Nix against Gask.

And that

takes her to the top

of the leaderboard.

Yeah, again

are we really surprised?

Yeah, Nix. I love you.

Nix!

...an apparent

drug heist, leaving 26 dead.

Police have now zeroed in

on Nix Degraves

as the sole suspect.

Degraves was found criminally

insane at age 13.

She recently escaped from

a maximum-security facility

and has since gained notoriety

as one of the most successful

contestants

of the underground

fight club, Skizm.

She is heavily armed

and extremely dangerous.

This is good.

Detective Garret,

please report

to the Captain's office.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay.

Careful.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, thank God.

Wow. Doesn't matter,

just don't shoot yourself

in the dick.

Okay.

Woah! No! No!

No!

No! No, no, no!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck!

Damn it.

Oh, God!

Fuck!

- Nice fap-cave.

- You shot me!

You actually fucking shot me?

Okay, please. I... I...

I don't want anything to do

with Skizm.

Okay, I'm... I'm...

I'm not a fighter.

I'm a nobody.

Yeah. Why are you dual wielding

pieces then, Mister Hard boiled?

Oh, these? No, no, no.

These... See? They drugged me

and they drilled these

onto my hands.

Like right through my...

Shit.

I... I think I need

some antiseptic or something.

They're all... They're all red

and sore.

- Oh, that's rough, fuck boy.

- So, how about you and me,

we can just, like,

truce things out

and you can stop

destroying my things.

Or just, like, shoot around

the really rare stuff?

Okay. Here's what we'll do.

Take a few minutes.

- Breathe. Relax.

- Okay.

And then go take a shit

because there's nothing worse

than shooting

a poop-filled corpse.

It's like a hitting

a turd piñata.

After, I'll just sit you down

nice and easy

and shoot you

in the fucking brain stem.

Fuck!

Shit! What the fuck?

Fuck!

And we're back,

ladies and gentlemen.

A brand-new match,

the new guy Miles Harris...

Who is that, Lily?

Never heard of him.

This Miles Harris

kid is a joke.

Man, I can't even

remember the last time

I walked outside

without my face in my phone.

Everything looks so HD.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, I need help!

Someone's trying to kill me!

- Hey, drop your guns.

- Oh, right. Shit.

- Drop 'em now!

- No, no, no. Please.

No!

- Will they take out Miles?

- What the fuck is he doing?

We can all say,

give Miles Harris

a salute, I think.

Mom used to say,

always wear clean underwear

in case you get in an accident.

I'm going to add her to

the list of people I let down.

- You think he's a crack head?

- Definitely.

- Hey!

- Dispatch. We have a 918.

Suspect is armed and dangerous.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I can't believe it,

but we actually have a show

for you today,

Miles is running

from the fucking cops!

Look at him.

Running like a bitch.

Freeze!

- I'm gonna shoot!

- Please don't!

Freeze! Stop now!

Oh, no.

Idiot.

Oh, no. Oh, shit.

No, sir.

Oh, God.

Are you... Are you okay?

Oh, God no you're not.

- Whoa, fuck. Fuck.

- No, no, no, no.

These... These...

These are just my hands.

You're fine. You're fine.

I'm not going to do

anything else to you.

I'm sorry.

Just try...

Just lie and hold that, okay?

Okay. I'm sure they're coming

for you right now.

Oh, yeah they are.

Okay, I have to go now.

- Bye. Bye-bye.

- Shit.

Sorry, sorry.

Nova. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nova, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

No.

Nova. Nova.

Holy shit.

- Hey.

- Miles?

Oh. Oh, God.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Alarms and stuff.

Shit.

- Go. Drive now.

- Relax. Relax.

- You have to drive.

- I'm not driving anywhere

until you chill.

Okay, cool. I'm cool.

Go to 7th and Shadwell,

give me Miles.

So...

Unsure how to broach this,

I can't help but notice

you aren't wearing pants.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

No there was a fire alarm

at my apartment.

I got locked out of my building.

Mondays, right?

I feel ya!

It's actually Thursday, though.

Do you still have

one of my spare inhalers?

Uh, maybe. Check my handbag.

Down there.

Uh, could you just

grab it for me?

I was up all night, last night

coding. I have terrible RSI.

Right. Some vigorous coding.

Yeah.

- Here.

- Oh, I'm sorry, could you do it?

- Right.

- Thanks.

Oh, shit, thank you.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

- Why don't you hold onto that.

- Oh, yeah, thanks.

- It's really good to see you.

- This was a mistake.

- Oh. Okay.

- I shouldn't have messaged you.

- I'll drop you home.

- No. No. Please don't.

I can't go back there right now,

it's very crazy for me.

How about we just hang

at your place?

No. Miles,

You just need to move on.

- Oh.

- I mean,

why don't you just meet

someone new, I don't know.

Okay, I mean...

Here's the thing.

I kind of did meet somebody new.

- Oh? Do... Do I know her?

- Uh...

- What's her name?

- Her name is Nix

and she's actually trying

to kill me.

So, these guys from Skizm

came to my house last night,

they're making me fight her.

- Skizm?

- Mm-hmm.

- Miles, you joined Skizm?

- Yes...

- No. No. No way.

- What is wrong with you?

I did not join.

Are you out of your

freaking mind?

No, no, no. I did not join.

They're forcing... Okay, um...

Can I...

Can I show you something?

But you have to promise me

to be cool with it.

Sure.

Okay, just be prepared,

all right? Don't freak.

Do I look like I'm freaking?

Okay, this is fair warning.

Okay.

What the fuck, Miles?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Fuck!

- What's wrong with you?

I said don't freak out!

God!

Put me through

to the police.

Nova!

I've never seen

anything like this

in the history of Skizm.

Look, Miles Harris just jumped

into a fucking clothes bin!

This guy is absolute trash.

I really like this,

this is fucking unbelievable.

Keep those comments coming

in everybody,

let us know what you

think's gonna happen next.

That's enough,

cut to camera four.

- Cutting to four.

- Stay on Miles.

It's an inanimate fucking

clothing bin.

Hardly must-see TV.

Can you just let me do my job?

I'm directing here.

- Do what he says.

- How do you even breathe

with that stupid gimp mask on?

Whoa, don't make ol' Fuckface

take his mask off,

you might not sleep so well

afterwards.

Look, just let me do my thing.

Okay?

You do yours.

Stand around looking like

end-level bosses

from Streets of Rage.

You couldn't direct my cock

into a top hat,

you talentless piece of shit.

Having trouble

breathing?

This is good, get a camera.

Get this on camera.

This is good.

Hurry up and get

a fucking camera!

Is this on panorama?

How do we get it back to video?

Swipe at the bottom.

- Oh, shit the app just crashed.

- Hurry the fuck up.

- Jesus, Dane!

- This is great!

Go to seven.

Well, either he'll run and die,

he'll fight and die,

or he'll puss out and die.

Just as long as the viewers

enjoy the show.

Oh, Miles.

We know you're in there.

Fuck.

Fuck! Fuck this!

Fuck everything.

I wouldn't do

that if I was you.

- Why shouldn't I?

- Huh?

- Why shouldn't I?

- Well, the angle's all wrong.

You won't hit your brain.

You'll just end up blowing

your damn face off.

Oh. Okay, thanks.

And then you'll still

be depressed.

Even more depressed probably,

because of your fucked-up face.

Try and angle it right

to the rear, base of the head.

Okay.

Okay, you know way too much

about this.

Just trying to be helpful, man.

Hey, look this is going to sound

really fucking weird,

but could you help dress me?

I have guns bolted to my hands.

This whole deal.

Yeah, you're right. That does

sound pretty fucking weird.

Oh, sorry.

Turn it off. I've seen enough.

Seems like

your boyfriend's got himself

into some pretty deep shit.

None of this makes sense.

I mean, this isn't Miles.

That's all Nova,

you're free to go.

- That's it?

- Well, obviously

if he calls you, you get in

touch with us right away, okay?

Look, Miles has issues

but he's a good guy.

Just bring him in alive, okay?

Well, we'll do our best.

Hack her phone.

Have her followed 24/7.

Oh, come on.

You really think

he's gonna make contact?

Nix is after this guy,

we need to get to him first.

You want a double bow

on that buddy or?

Uh, that should be fine,

thanks.

Fuck, brother, it sounds like

you're in some deep shit.

Yeah, I just...

I... I can't face violence.

You know, not...

not in real life.

Hey, you don't have anything

to eat, do you?

Well, let's have a look

at the pantry.

Oh, here we go.

Half a cold hotdog.

Um, you don't have a vegetarian

option, do you?

So, you don't believe

in violence

- or eating meat.

- I don't like, uh,

contributing to the suffering

in the world, I guess.

Well, that's a great

philosophy man.

But most people in the world,

they just eat whatever

they can get.

And it's one thing to say

you can't face violence.

But when it faces you,

you better be ready.

- You a Citrus Hill fan?

- Who?

♪ When the shit goes down

You better be ready ♪

♪ You better be ready ♪

- Right, yeah.

- Yeah.

Okay, fuck it. Can you just

push it into my mouth?

Seriously?

I just fucking dressed you,

now you want me to feed you?

What's next, you want me

to wipe your arse?

- That could be really useful...

- Don't even talk about it.

Okay.

- Ah! Fuck!

- Ah! So close.

That's still you know,

10 second rule.

Yup. Okay.

That's it, yeah.

Yeah, channel your animal side.

You're gonna need it.

Cause it's a dog eat

dog world out here.

What kind of meat did they make

that from?

I don't know but it's been

in here for 8 months.

Good to finally get rid of it.

Hey, you don't happen

to know anything

about GPS tracking, do you?

Pretty sure I'm being bugged.

Oh, I see how it is.

You assume because I'm homeless,

I don't know nothing

about dumb stupid GPS tracking

bullshit.

I'm sorry,

I didn't mean it like that.

For all you know, I could be

a savant programmer

who got screwed after my startup

went bust.

I'm so sorry. Are you?

What? No!

I spend all of my time getting

fucked up on a bunch of crack.

- Oh. Good for you.

- Wanna smoke some crack?

- Ahh...

- Yes.

I'm good. The...

The hotdog was... was enough.

Hey. Watch it, asshole.

Shit. Fuck it's you.

Hey, why don't you stop running,

Edward Gun-hands?

Psst. Hey.

Fuck, dude. What the hell?

Where've you been all day?

Zander is pissed.

I'm in some trouble, man.

I think I'm being tracked.

- By?

- Don't worry about that.

Just... If you were gonna stalk

someone, how would you do it?

Okay, who told you

I was stalking them?

Was it Laura?

Because she's a liar.

No, no, no. No. Dude, focus.

How would you track me?

Easiest way, malware on your

cell, you could do it remotely.

- You have it on you?

- Ah, yeah.

Yeah, I do, I just... Um, yeah,

it's in my front jeans pocket.

- Can you just grab it?

- No. Fuck, no.

- Just pass the phone dude.

- I can't.

I just... There was a...

I...

glued my hands

inside my jacket.

You did both of your hands.

- Mm-hmm.

- How is that possible?

No, I know. It was...

It was really complicated.

There were holes in the inside

of my pockets,

so I just glued them together

and then I put the jacket on

and I forgot and I got drunk

and I fell asleep

with my hands in my pockets.

And now, here we are.

- Just...

- No, no, no. I'm not... no.

- I don't want to.

- Stop being a dick about it,

just stick your fingers

in there. Come on.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, it's deep in there.

It's so tight. Oh, man.

Oh, it's still warm

from your thigh.

Beginning.

Okay, okay, so?

This is not Hackers dude, okay?

This search will take a while.

Hours, you know, maybe...

- Malware found.

- Oh, it's done.

- This is some advanced shit.

- Okay, can you delete it?

Of course I can. Unless you want

to able to reactivate it later?

We could set up a quick app

so you could flick it on.

No. No. Just get rid of it.

Um...

Okay, yeah, no, that could be

handy, do that one.

Hey, Miles.

- Zander.

- So, it's 4:00 p.m.

And you come in looking like

complete shit.

You on drugs?

You speed-balling the NDNA

straight into your eyeballs?

- I've been sick. Okay?

- Sick?

You okay little man?

Why don't you take the rest

of the day off, huh?

Or you could just fuck

the fuck off forever.

Cops are looking for you.

Seems like you're in some

deep shit now.

I always knew you were

a fuck-up.

- Let me go.

- What you gonna do? Take me on?

You gonna hit me, amigo?

You El Loco?

Oh, shut the fuck up!

Stop pretending

you speak fucking Spanish,

- you fucking idiot!

- Okay, I'm sorry,

- please don't kill me.

- You put me down

every time

I come in that door,

you docked my pay for attending

my mother's funeral,

and you hit on my girlfriend

in front me!

I am so sick of you

and all of your fucking shit!

Fuck you!

And fuck that fucking chipmunk!

Squirrel.

Fuck. I'm... I'm sorry.

Just stop being a dick, okay?

Oh, my God.

♪ You spin me right round,

Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby,

Right round round round ♪

♪ You spin me right 'round

Baby... ♪

Fuck.

♪ Right 'round round round ♪

♪ You spin me right round

Baby right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby right

round round round ♪

My phone. Stick it in my pocket.

- Really?

- Yes, really! Fucking do it.

You know, you lied to me.

You said you glued your hands.

Boo.

I need to get out of here.

You cover me.

Fucking cover you?

Wait, what am I going to do,

cap her ass with a staple gun?

Mistakes were made...

I mean seriously,

round of a-fucking-plause

for Nerf guy.

He's my new

favorite

I gotta say, I gotta say.

Here we see,

the little bitches,

emerging from their cave

after doing jack shit.

- Yoo-hoo.

- This is becoming

a fucking legendary match here.

Miles Harris,

the fucking newbie

- on the block...

- Oh, here go.

Hey, stop.

Get out of the car.

Please.

Come on. Please, get out.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, sorry.

Oh, fuck...

Oh, come on!

No.

Oh, shit.

- Fucker!

- Sorry.

This is good.

Oh, shit.

Stop shooting at me!

Go on!

Fucking yeah!

Suck it, loser.

Oh. Uh, no, dude...

What're you...

What're you doing?

No. Jesus, that's not...

No!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Shit.

Did I win?

Uh, Jesus.

Stop running,

you little chicken shit.

Fuck!

Think you're fucking fast,

ain't ya?

- Fuck.

- Well that shot was pathetic.

All right, I'm just saying this

because I'm honestly

so fucking

embarrassed for you,

relax your damn arms, elbow

slightly bent nearly straight.

- Shut up.

- And those two little

sight things on the barrel

aren't just for decoration

you know.

Shut up. Stop trying to help me.

Oh, fuck.

Congratulations.

I think you've just discovered

a whole new level

of retardation.

That word is not okay.

It's okay

if you shoot like one.

Fuck off.

Please. Just leave me alone.

Okay, I haven't done anything

to you.

I gotta kill you.

Every cop in the country

- is looking to end me, so...

- Yeah, that's not my fault!

Skizm said they would wipe

my slate clean

- after I bury your ass.

- Oh, that's what they told you?

What, so you're just like

their minion?

What, like those yellow butt

plug things from the movies?

No. No, I mean you're like

their... their lackey.

I'm no one's lackey.

God damn you.

Fuck.

Hey.

Hey, sir! Madam! Ma'am!

Fuck.

Hey! Excuse me, please!

No, no, no!

I mean, I get it.

- Miles?

- Hey.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

You're like...

You're all over the news,

what are you doing

running around with guns,

like a crazy person?

They bolted these things

to my hands,

is what I was trying

to tell you.

"Bolted"?

What do you mean "bolted"?

I mean like they went to town

on my hands

with some Home Depot supplies.

Oh, fuck, you were trying

to tell me in the car.

Yeah. Yeah I did.

Look, Miles,

the cops are looking for you.

Okay, just...

Just turn yourself in.

- They'll protect you.

- I can't.

I'm actually...

I'm just leaving town.

I just called to say, goodbye

- and, uh... thanks.

- Thanks?

For being with me, for making me

a much better person.

Don't say that.

You were always that person.

I don't know what trouble

you're in

but you can't keep running

from...

Nova! Hello?

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry but Nova can't come

to the phone right now.

Oh, fucking you again.

Leave Nova out of this.

Shut your fucking whine hole

and fight.

You need to get your head out

of your ass, Miles,

and grow a set of balls.

Now, you got five hours

to kill Nix.

Otherwise we're gonna

let Dane here

start cutting pieces off

your bitch.

Hey! Oh, ho, ho!

Are you on Instagram?

Add me

and I'll send you updates.

Just run, Mil...!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Okay, think.

No, no, come on,

think, think, think.

♪ When the shit goes

Down ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪

Activated.

♪ When the shit goes down

ya better be ready ♪

911 what's your emergency?

Uh, hello,

my name is Miles Harris,

I think the police

are looking for me.

Can you tell them I know

where Nix is going to be

in like 10 minutes.

They will know what that means.

- Okay.

- Sir,

- please stay on the line.

- Bye-bye, Nix.

Hello,

are you still there?

I hope it's a quick death.

Or not, actually.

♪ Pockets on flat

with the gat ♪

♪ Rollin around nine

Deuce Cadillac ♪

♪ Still got my homies

To watch my back ♪

♪ And they'll smoke ya ass

If ya wanna come chat ♪

♪ That's why some pigs

And the kids come sweatin' ♪

♪ They follow a hollow point

Shells hard to swallow ♪

There you go, bro.

That shit'll make

your pubes go straight

Who the fuck is this dick wad?

I'm nobody!

I'm just leaving. Uh...

What the fuck!

You trying to fuck us?

What the fuck did you just say?

What the fuck is in your mouth,

I can't understand

a fucking word.

You trying to fuck us?

I'm not trying

to fuck you, Grim!

I don't know this shit head!

And how do I know

you're not trying to fuck us?

I'm not here to fuck

anybody, guys!

I'm just...

I'm just gonna go.

Stay the fuck

where you are!

Okay.

I will bust you

right in the mouth!

What do we do then?

Uh, you know what, guys,

actually things are about

to get really crazy here,

we should all bail.

- Shut the fuck up!

Sit the fuck down,

little asshole!

Okay, Grim...

We both shoot him in the face

at the same time.

Wait! What?

On the count of three, ready?

- One!

- Oh no, no, no. Please!

- Two!

- Wait!

Six! Nine! Eight!

Twenty-seven!

Five! Eleven-teen!

Oh, shit...

Who the fuck

is this crazy whore?

Oh, God! You've killed us all.

Hey, thrift-store-leather-daddy!

Suck my clit!

No one is killing

fuck boy here.

Yay!

- Except me, of course!

- Oh.

♪ Please let me go,

Everybody want us to know ♪

♪ Mali people

Will live again now ♪

♪ Around the world ♪

♪ On Saturday ♪

Fuck!

♪ Closed away ♪

♪ Celebration on me one day ♪

♪ For sure, around the world ♪

God damn, that sound

gives me such a hard on.

Little fucker!

Fuck.

Oh, shit!

No re-spawns,

no one-ups,

no extra lives.

I just killed this fucking guy.

- Those things, they hurt?

- What do you think?

Skizm do that?

Yes, Skizm did that,

you think I did this to myself?

I guess drilling the second one

in would be a little difficult.

How do we proceed?

Oh, you know what,

I got an idea about that.

How about we take these

fucking things off my hands!

Look, they have my girlfriend,

okay?

My ex... ex-girlfriend.

Whatever.

Just let me help you, please.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, uh, detective,

you missed the turn off.

We ain't headed

to the hospital anymore.

What? Why not?

Nix is after you, right?

We're after Nix.

Change of plan, sweetheart.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

So I'm just bait now?

That seems very not legal

for police officers.

Miles I want to tell you

a story about my wife.

Ah, I don't give a shit

about your wife.

Sorry, dude, can we get these

fucking things off my hands?

Sixteen years ago,

I'm chasing this gang.

Right? I bust 'em.

Their leader was this

psychopathic little dirt bag

covered in tattoos.

Went by the name of Riktor.

Now I gots the bad guys,

that's my job, I'm a cop.

But Riktor...

he takes it very personally.

He makes bail,

they track my wife and kids...

Yeah, that's it.

Burn, baby, burn.

I managed to get

my daughter out.

My wife and son were gone.

Nix was gone too

in a different way.

Wait, Nix is your daughter?

Tried to get her the help

she needed.

But it was never enough.

She's my flesh and blood,

I have to stop her.

Uh-oh, looks like

Miles has been taken away

by the pigs.

I mean, seriously, generally

such a disappointment.

Hey!

You look like a fighter.

Hmm?

Maybe you could be

our next player.

The cops are watching my house,

idiot.

They would have followed you,

they probably have the place

surrounded already!

- The cops?

- Yeah.

Surrounded?

Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna do

a poo-poo in my pantaloons!

The actual cops?

Oh, my God! The cops!

Who the fuck do you think

owns the fucking cops?

- What?

- Dane, kill the drones.

Yes, boss!

We need to keep our cover.

Hang on,

I think we just lost the stream

- ladies and gentlemen.

- Yeah,

we're gonna get this back.

We're gonna get this back.

Hey, Stanton,

where the fuck are we?

Fuck!

Holy shit, dude!

What the actual fuck?

Is that look supposed

to fucking explain something?

People keep fucking dying on me!

What the...

Okay, fuck.

Yes!

Okay.

Stop your whining,

you millennial piece of shit!

What the fuck are you doing?

Hey there, big guy!

Rule number 1.

Do not, I repeat do not,

under any circumstances

talk to the fucking pigs!

You got that?

Now we should get Stanton there

to give you an extreme makeover

with the butt of his Glock!

But I see something

in you, Miles, you know?

Potential.

So I've decided to give you...

another chance.

Fuck you!

Where's Nova?

- It's pre-recorded asshole!

- Oh!

Welcome to the

lightening round!

Somewhere in this city,

we've got your bitch!

You've got 30 minutes,

that is 30 minutes to kill Nix.

Or we take Nova apart

piece by fucking piece!

No!

Put a filter on that,

make me look good.

It might have been a bit

over the top.

Fuck!

Nova...

Boom.

Happy hunting, shit head.

Huh, bullet proof vest.

It did not help much.

Hey!

Password is telefrak.

Uh, T-E-L-E-F-R-A... yeah, K,

you got it.

Yeah, click there,

Nova's iPhone.

Girlfriend know

you're stalking her?

Ex, actually, and it's none

of your business.

Okay, Warwick and 7th.

Great, thank you.

- Oh, shit!

- What?

You're him, right?

Guns Akimbo dude!

You're famous!

Look at those numbers!

Seven million viewers

and counting!

You're the most watched

Skizm contestant ever!

That many people

are watching me?

I've never seen

anything like it!

- Hey, can I get a selfie?

- Yeah, sure.

Let her go!

I'll fight Nix!

Just please, let her go!

No!

Quit your running

and fight, or you're next.

Whoo!

Shit!

Nova.

My ex.

She dyed her hair

to look like a sunrise.

Always somehow

smelled of incense

and freshly opened

packs of gum.

Oh, shit, Hadley.

The list of people

I've let down

is getting longer

by the minute.

Suddenly, I knew what to do.

Now I could end this

once and for all.

Activated.

Your tracker's back on.

Neat location, by the way.

What, you couldn't find

a classic rooftop

for your final showdown,

fuckboy?

God!

Stop calling me fuckboy, okay?

I don't even know

what that means!

Whoa...

I thought we were going

to talk it out for a bit?

Exchange some banter.

Some obligatory

pre-gunfight foreplay.

You want to get straight

to the shooting?

No. No, look I need your help.

My help?

Skizm is going to kill us both!

Together we might have a chance.

You know, let's...

Let's team up.

I got a much better chance

if I'm with you.

I know that.

So, you in?

Um...

well, no.

Yes! Yes!

Yabba-dabba-do!

Fuck yeah!

Guns Akimbo dude was here.

I met him!

Oh!

No!

This is so unfair!

It's just a game, bro.

It's just a game.

Yes! Serves you right, asshole!

And that is Miles

out of the game.

Well that took longer

than I thought.

Let's go get some cocaine!

Miles Harris...

- I'm not happy!

- Oh!

That's some bullshit,

I'm sorry but that's

fucking bullshit!

No, that's the game

of Skizm, man!

No, no. I really started

to like the fucking guy!

Fuck the game! God damn it!

That's Skizm for you. Miles...

Get a cleanup squad

on Miles's body.

Get a squad on Nix too!

Ice that fucking bitch!

Oh!

I know!

He did his best.

But you know...

sometimes, even when

you do your best,

it's just not good enough.

Just pitching here, but, uh,

chainsaws or nail guns?

Which way were you leaning, huh?

- Any plans tonight?

- Finally gonna catch up

- on The Walking Dead.

- The Walking Dead?

Can't stand that.

Just too violent.

Man,

you kill people for a living.

So what? You think

a cook goes home

and watches Master Chef?

If you want to walk out

of here, with all of your limbs,

you should stop pointing

guns at me!

This was your idea, fuck boy!

- Nice! Gotta love that Kevlar!

- Not nice!

That hurts like shit!

You only had to shoot me once!

Remember?

Don't shoot me,

I know who killed your family.

What the fuck did you just say?

He's the head of Skizm.

Okay, his name is Riktor.

Bald guy, covered in tattoos.

That was him, right?

Okay so my... my theory is he saw

you escape from prison

and decided to put you

in the game

in case you tried to get

revenge.

You're full of shit!

They killed your dad, too.

He's right there.

You stubborn old bastard.

So, um, hi...

Sorry, don't know why

I said it like that.

Look if you're not going

to shoot yourself, or me,

then I have a plan,

It is kinda fucked up

and totally suicidal,

but it might work.

You get to kill Riktor,

I find Nova.

But we have to work together.

All right?

I like that you're not

pointing that at me anymore.

That's a good...

Okay...

We can work on that.

You only need to shoot me

one time!

Really important.

Just one...

right in the...

Once.

Okay, you got that?

I don't feel like

you're listening to me.

Just one.

One shot.

I think my ribs are broken.

Definitely have internal

bleeding.

Cool, um, do you wanna

sit here and cry about it?

Like a little bitch?

Or do you wanna go shoot

a bunch of people in the face?

Oh, hell yes.

The face shooting one, not the...

not the crying.

Right on.

- That sucks.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

Just go. Come on, look.

Me? Why do I have to go first?

- Open the fucking door.

- I'm not exactly great

- at opening doors right now.

- Go on.

Honestly

I still don't trust you.

You might shoot me in the back.

I promise that when I do

shoot you it'll be in the front.

You have already shot me

like a dozen times.

I feel bullets rattling

inside me when I walk.

- Well...

- What the hell?

♪ I'm a real wild one ♪

♪ Well I'm just out of school

Like I'm real, real cool ♪

♪ Gotta dance like a fool

Got the message ♪

♪ That I've gotta be

A wild one ♪

♪ Oh yeah

I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Got to break it loose

Gotta keep them movin' wild ♪

♪ Gotta keep a swingin', baby

I'm a real wild child ♪

♪ I'm a real wild one

And I like wild fun ♪

♪ In a world gone crazy

Everything seems hazy ♪

♪ I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Oh yeah

I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Got to break it loose

Gonna keep them movin' wild ♪

Hey, sir!

It's Miles and Nix!

They're in the building!

It's a clusterfuck!

Yeah, and? What the fuck

you telling me for?

Get the dead squad on it!

- I can't.

- Well why not?

- They're dead.

- They're dead?

Well that's not ideal.

Patch the monitor feeds

to the security cameras now!

This is not happening.

Oh, my God,

it's back on!

It's going down.

Oh, fantastic.

I'm gonna lose

my fucking temper, this is...

Effie! Dane!

Do your thing!

Fuck them up!

Nix and Miles!

They need to die!

They need to fucking die!

Suck on this, bitch!

Really, another dick shot?

Oh, God damn it, please.

Why do you have to

keep doing that?

What, I would have shot you

in the dick

if the target wasn't so small!

It just seems

a little excessive.

You know, you could go

dick shot, then head shot,

then dick shot. Just mix it up

a little, something.

It's basically a public service.

Oh!

Don't do it again! God.

Uh, you know, I don't...

I don't like it,

- I don't like it.

- It's just some dick blood.

Miles?

- What was he thinking?

- Yeah,

never bring

a spork to a gun fight, man.

What are you doing?

Trying to find where

they're holding Nova.

Oh, God damn,

this comment section.

It's like YouTube but worse.

No, it's about the same.

"I hope someone ices

that Nix bitch

and tea bags her corpse."

That settles that,

I'm going to find every last

one of those little trolls

and beat them to death

- with their keyboards.

- You are fucking animals,

you know that right.

You like this, you like

watching people suffer?

You like watching people

get hunted?

If you didn't watch

they wouldn't exist

you pathetic sick fuck!

Fuck you, dude.

Who the fuck is this guy, huh?

What the fuck.

Hear, hear.

Good, good.

Wish you had more volume.

Intense.

Feel better now?

You got that out of your system?

- Whoa, holy shit.

- What?

Look, Riktor,

he's trying to expand Skizm.

He's like building it into

a global franchise.

Can you actually just

like, send this to my Gmail?

- It's funnier watching.

- Oh, God.

Fuck you, man.

Oh, holy shit!

Damn, nice AA-12!

- Fuck.

- These things?

- Yes!

- Yeah, I shelled out

for the deep black PVD coating.

But, now I kinda regret not

going with the UCP style camo.

Oh, no you're crazy.

She's crazy.

You totally own it.

Seriously.

Thank you.

Yeah, you know your weapons.

You know, shooting dip shits

in the head is life.

Well, um, I better, you know.

Right, yeah. Do your thing.

It was nice to meet you.

Go! Go!

Woo!

Watch the last step!

It's a doozie!

Whoo.

Oh.

Someone

didn't skip leg day.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't pull my hair.

Whoa! Whoo!

Fuck!

Friday night just got

really lonely!

Just stay still and die,

you fucking coward.

I really don't want to though.

Fuck!

Oh, shit!

Whoo!

Didn't even hurt.

Stop!

Hammer time!

A bullet proof vest

isn't gonna save you

from a head shot.

Do you know

what your problem is?

You need to smile more.

Let's give you a nice...

wide...

juicy grin.

I have the power!

It's time to realign

your chakras.

♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪

♪ The kind you don't take home

to mother ♪

Enough.

I think I just heard a ball pop.

Are they meant to pop?

You don't like fire?

Do ya, huh?

Let's burn together, baby!

Whoo!

Fool!

Don't shoot him!

Yeah.

Chopper on the roof.

No. Just two seats.

No, everyone else is dead.

Why does everything have to be

so fucking stressful, hmm?

You know, they say that

sometimes a nice little stroll

can help to clear the head.

- Come on, let's go.

- Get off me!

That's it, that's it.

Fuck!

Hey.

You good?

Did you not hear me say

don't shoot?

Woah...

Yeah, you pull off the Rocky

look real well at least.

What?

What is that?

- What are you trying to do?

- Shit!

Oh right...

Hey, no, no, no.

You gotta put that on ice.

Come on, we gotta fix this.

Oh, shit.

I wasted all my bullets

on Sid Dickless.

Riktor's got Nova somewhere,

I can't find her.

Have you learned

nothing from video games?

If you see enemies...

You jump on their heads

and they give you coins?

No, fuck wad!

It means we're going

the right way.

Come on let's find some more

- bad guys to shoot.

- Okay.

Hey!

Where the fuck are you

going, asshole?

The action's back this way!

Wait, you want me to go

out there

and get my face shot off?

Are you out

of your fucking mind?

Cops will be swarming

this place!

This shit is over!

It's not over until I say

it's over, you fucking traitor!

Traitor?

Without me,

you would be nothing!

I mean, look at you!

You look like someone

tried to paint a worn-out dildo

- with a fucking Sharpie!

- Ah, that hurts.

Face it, Riktor.

This is the end.

Look at him go!

He's like a wounded deer.

Go Bambi's mom, go!

Kill them!

Was this the right way?

No we fucked up!

- Far too many bad guys!

- Oh, God.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

What the hell

are we going to do?

Come out, come out

wherever you are.

Come on, get it.

Hey! Hey!

You want to know a secret?

Fuck you!

This was never about the money.

This is about art.

Murder is art.

This one...

This is a Jackson Pollock.

Ah!

Overcompensating much?

Where the fuck are you going?

Get up!

Get the fuck up!

You know, you really need

to cheer the fuck up.

Are you not even

a little bit excited

about going in

a chopper with me?

You wanna know

how I survived this long?

I don't know, Nix,

by being crazy as fuck?

I didn't want to give any fucker

the satisfaction...

of killing me.

Just kill Riktor for me.

Okay, mouse?

Get the fuck out here

so I can shoot you!

Wait. No, wait!

No!

Nix!

Fuck.

Come back here.

Where'd you think you're going?

Get up there.

Come on.

Oh, shit!

Oh...

Fuck! Nova!

Nova!

Miles! Miles!

"Miles!"

There you are.

What took you so long, hmm?

You made it all this way.

I even got you a rooftop

for the showdown!

Nix is dead, it's over!

Let Nova go!

Oh, finally!

I should have ordered

a fucking Uber!

Okay, okay and we're back.

We've got our stream back,

ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, thank fuck!

Let's just see how this ends,

I guess.

Oh, yeah.

Ten million concurrent viewers,

Miles.

You have just made

Skizm history!

You are somebody!

I took...

a worthless piece of shit

and I molded it into steel!

I made you, Miles.

You should be down on

your fucking knees thanking me!

Oh, fuck you man!

All you did was ruin my hands,

and give me a criminal record.

I never wanted any of this!

Don't give me that

goody-goody bullshit!

What were you doing

on the Skizm site to begin with?

Hey?

Admit it, you wanted

to feel something.

You wanted to... to...

to hunt like a man.

You wanted to be somebody!

Yesterday

you were fucking miserable!

Now, look at yourself.

You're alive!

Yeah, I am.

And that's more than I can say

for you.

Oh.

Hey, man, nice shot!

Fuck.

No!

Oh, that's a better one.

He's down!

Oh, relax will ya?

Come on, Miles.

No.

Nova!

Just fucking die!

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- He just took three

fucking bullets!

Get him!

♪ ...fighting for you ♪

♪ Driven by desire ♪

♪ Glory calls,

It's waitin' for ya ♪

♪ When they try

to break you down ♪

♪ You can take it ♪

♪ That don't shake you ♪

♪ When your back's

against the wall ♪

♪ The thrill of the fight's... ♪

You were nothing.

I made you, Miles.

I made you a fucking star!

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ You got the heart of a hero ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ The will to survive ♪

♪ You're standin' strong

in the eye of a storm ♪

♪ Something keeps

pushing you on ♪

♪ To never surrender ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

You think killing me

is going to change anything?

There are others!

Skizm's a global franchise now!

We're going to be

the Starbucks of murder!

The McDonald's of massacre!

Yeah!

We'll be the Burger King

of badness!

Nix says, "fuck you!"

Miles.

No! No! Please!

Oh!

♪ ...fight to the end

And you'll take it all ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ It's only a matter of time ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Never Surrender ♪

♪ Never say die ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Got the will to survive ♪

♪ Never surrender ♪

♪ Don't stop never surrender ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

It's called

hemorrhagic shock.

It's just my body shutting down

from... yeah,

massive, massive blood loss.

Sorry for the fake out.

I mean, I did kill Riktor.

That was real.

I just didn't get the girl.

You see, in real life,

watching your ex pistol whip

some guy's teeth out

gives you PTSD.

Not a raging lady boner.

Thanks for tuning in everyone.

We've been

Death Tolled and, um,

remember to like...

like and comment.

Some people stopped

watching Skizm that night.

But many,

many more took their place.

Nova,

well she finally found

her superhero.

He stands up and fights to make

the world a better place.

Skizm didn't go away.

They spread,

just like Riktor said.

And that means

I still have a job to do.

And I know where they live.

It is a fucking jungle

out there!

And as a great man

once told me...

♪ When the shit goes down

Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down

Ya better be ready ♪

- ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪

- ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

- ♪ Ya better be ready ♪

♪ When the shit goes down

Ya better be ready ♪

- ♪ When the shit goes down ♪

♪ Ya better be ready ♪

♪ I told the boyz

Get the sawed off glock ♪

♪ And the rest of the gats ♪

♪ As I strapped on

the bullet-proof vest, boom! ♪

♪ I think I got one

to the chest hot damn ♪

♪ I didn't want to kill a man ♪

Guns Akimbo (2019) - full transcript

Extract Subtitles From Media