Guidance (2014) - full transcript

David Gold, a former child actor with a modicum of fame from that time, is now a thirty-something burnt out shell of a human being. An overgrown adolescent with a warped sense of reality and of his life (including not being sexually active, he probably a repressed homosexual, being gay which most people just assume about him upon meeting), he's broke, can't keep any job due largely to his excessive drinking, has long severed ties with his parents and has just done so with his older sister Ginny in her pleas for him to get professional help for his psychological issues, and is on the brink of being homeless unless he immediately comes up with back rent. On top of everything, he is in denial about a potentially life threatening medical diagnosis. To get rent money and as he feels his purpose in life is to help teenagers being one emotionally himself, he, "borrowing" the identity of a real life counselor he finds online, applies for an immediately need to be filled high school counselor job as bespectacled, corduroy suit-wearing "Roland Brown", and gets hired on a temporary basis spewing Brown's mantras he was able to memorize. As Brown mantra spewing in combination with David's inherent self results in both the faculty and students thinking he a bit weird, David instead turns to being his booze guzzling adolescent self in connecting with the students. In the process of making the first real human connections in a long time, David may come to some realizations about his life. His made up life as a guidance counselor takes a darker turn when he discovers some information about the home life of one of the students, Jabrielle Crain, whose problems cannot be fixed with a relaxing shot of vodka followed by being herself.

David's voice: For the
next ninety minutes,

you will be tranquil,

and at peace with
your reality.

As you listen to the
sound of my voice,

feel your body fall into a
deep state of relaxation.

You are listening to an
Inner Awareness Incorporated

guided personal
affirmations recording.

I have power.

I am confident.

A success story.

People think I am an
interesting person.

I communicate

I feel--

Okay hold on.

David, David,
cut, cut.


Hold on.





Are you drunk again?

Uh, no I just had a
little drink at lunch.

It's nine thirty
in the morning.

Uh, so? I don't judge
when you eat lunch.

Okay, I was gonna wait 'till
after the session to tell you

but apparently our female
customers would like the voice

of a heterosexual man feeding
them their affirmations.

Excuse me?

Think about it.

Insecure women want
a straight man

to tell them to
love themselves.

No, I'm not gay, I
just have a gentle voice.

David, you're gay.

Just accept yourself
as you are,

and all your problems
will disappear.

I don't have
any problems.

Like you're drinking
problem for one.

I don't have a
drinking problem.

And your denial

I don't have a
denial problem.

A lot of people
wanna work with me.

I was on a hit
TV series.

That was a
kids show!


That was twenty-five
years ago!

It's a classic.

You're now doing shitty
non-union voice-work

'cause that's the only
acting gig you can get.

I've never liked
working with you.

Okay, fine.

You're fired.

David's voice: Now
that we're relaxed,

take a deep breath,

and repeat these
affirmations to yourself.

Let's start.

If I don't fit into an
imperfect world,

I am better than the
world I live in.

I am in control
of my life.

I am responsible,
and well loved.

Angry Driver:
Fucking moron, move!

David's voice: I
am well adjusted.

I lead by example.

I have a healthy body and mind.

There is nothing to fear.

What do you mean
stage three?

Doctor: It's spread
below the skin.

This is pretty far in.

We should talk about
treatment options.

I'm okay, actually,
thank you.

I understand that you may be upset

but you need to
deal with this.

You can't cover this
up with a bandage.

This is skin cancer.

Didn't your mother ever tell
you that if you didn't have

anything nice to say, not
to say anything at all?

Make a follow-up appointment
with Jeneane on your way out.

We need to come up with an
aggressive treatment program.

In the meantime, try
to stay out of the sun.

David's Voice: I take
steps to be more healthy.

I am resourceful.

I find happiness
in every moment.

Every day I get
better and better.

I have a rich and
supportive social circle.

Every decision I make
helps shape my destiny.

I have not peaked.

My life is on the
cusp of greatness.

TV: Wacky Street!

[Laughter from television]

[Knock on the door]

Ms. Kim: David
open up.

You're late with
the rent again.

That's really weird.

I put a cheque in your
mailbox this morning.

You're lying.

I hate liars.

That's why I
divorced my husband.

I'll put another cheque in
your mailbox tomorrow, okay?

Put that cigarette out this
is a non-smoking building.

You know that.

Okay, I'll do
it immediately.

Have a great
day Ms. Kim.

David's voice: I am what
they call a success story.

I can help shape the
world of tomorrow,

from the wisdom I've
learned from my past.

[school bell ringing]

David's voice: I am
known for my generosity.

I am a servant of
my community.

I help others
achieve their goals.

Did you get it?

Of course I got it.

Here you go.

I've got your
change too.

Thanks Mister,

we've been standing out
here trying all day.

No problem, I like
helping the youth of today.


Have a good future.

Enjoy the tequila.

Do you think you can
lend me some money?

You need money again?

You need to call
Mom and Dad.

Oh, no.

I've cut them off.

Okay, then you need
to see somebody else.

Call a psychiatrist.

You need to talk
to somebody.

You need help, David.

No, I don't need to
talk to anybody.

I don't need help.

I wanna help
other people.

Who do you
wanna help?


You don't have
any skills.


Go to college
or something.

You can get a job.

I don't need to
go to college.

I can get a job.

This is what you
don't understand.

I'm an actor.

I can be anyone.

I can do anything.

You need to
go David.


Because you're an

You're cut off.

David: Student
support counsellor.


As someone who makes a
career out of helping youth,

it's best to relate to them
on every level possible.

What teenagers need to
hear more of is praise.

If they know that
we respect them,

they will learn to
respect themselves.

Teenagers are

But they're a
lot like us.

David's voice: I give myself the power, to build from my past,

and inhabit a
new person.

My name is
Roland Brown.

I'm a high school
guidance counsellor.

My name is
Roland Brown.

I'm a high school
guidance counsellor.

My name is
Roland Brown.

I'm a high school
guidance counsellor.

My name is
Roland Brown.

I'm a high school
guidance counsellor.

What a youth counsellor
needs to do more of is praise.

Teenage-- Teenagers
are complicated.

But they're a lot like us.

The youth of today--

The youth of today--

Are my responsibility--

Are my responsibility.

You really have to
operate on their level,

to get them to
open up to you.

For someone who makes a
career out of helping youth,

it's best to relate to them
on every level possible.

Teenagers are complicated,
but they're a lot like us.

Teenagers are--

Teenagers are

But they're a
lot like us.

My name is Mister
Roland Brown.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

♪ I don't know how to
get where I'm goin' ♪

♪ But I know I'm growin'
up every day ♪

♪ And if I fall, I'll
get back into it ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I'm
doin' it my own way ♪


Umm, my name is
Roland Brown.

I'm a high school
guidance counsellor.


And, uh, for someone who makes
a career out of helping youth I

should probably relate to
them on every level possible.

Are you gonna
buy something?

Well the youth today
are my responsibility.

Do you happen to know
what they're smoking?

Like drugs?

Oh, no.

Uh, cigarettes.


I'm a high school
guidance counsellor

so it actually helps my job
if I know this kinda thing.

I don't know.

Just give me the strongest
cigarettes you have, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love your,
um, cardigan.


Who is that?

Roland Brown.

My name is
Roland Brown.


[whispering] Brown.


I'm here for the job interview
with principal Newman?

Mr. Brown?


You're two hours early.

I'll see if Mr. Newman
can see you now.

Just have a seat.


Get in a fight?

Fuck you.

I think that was
uncalled for.

I said fuck
you, faggot.

Fuck you.

No fuck you.


Fuck you.

Principal Newman can
see you now Mr. Brown.

Hey he just told
me to fuck off.

I did nothing of the sort.

He's lying.

You'll have to
excuse Desmond.

He's our resident
discipline problem.

I understand.

[whispering] Just
for the record

I said "fuck you"
not "fuck off".

Hey you just
did it again!


You look so young for what
you have down here.

Well that's the
thing about being

around teenagers
all the time.

It keeps you
looking young.

Don't you find
that yourself?


Well maybe not you.

Did you have any
specific approach to

youth counseling at
your previous school?

Yes, I did.

What a youth counsellor
needs to do more of is praise.

If we respect them, they will
learn to respect themselves.

Teenagers are complicated,
but they're a lot like us.

Well they're
certainly complicated.

You can really help
build their confidence,

whether it's to solve their
day to day problems

or helping them
plan their future.

Umm, by solving your
day-to-day problems,

you can, umm, properly
plan your future.

If that makes any sense,

which, I think that it did.

Ten years at your
previous school.

Why did you leave?

Well, I got a divorce.

I moved away.

I was married
to a woman.

I have her

Would you like
to see it?

That won't be


Our regular counsellor,
Mr. Fisher,

passed away a
few days ago.

I hate it when
that happens.

I'm sorry.

And I'm going away on a very
important conference for a few

weeks and I will not leave these
children without a counsellor.

We're looking to make a decision
in the next twenty-four hours.

I'm assuming you can
start immediately?

Absolutely, I'm
rearing to go.

I'm really anxious
to help the--

The youth of
the future.

And today.

It was a pleasure
to meet you.

You exude radiance,
Mr. Newman.


Oh hi.

Alisha: Who are you?

My name is Mr. Brown,

I was just interviewed

to be your new
guidance counsellor.

The last one died.

That's not gonna
happen to me.

I have a healthy
body and mind.

You do know it's
illegal to be drinking

alcohol on school
property right?

Yeah, of course.

I pay attention
to the rules,

and my drink of
choice is green tea.


Mr. Brown, I can spot an
alcoholic from a mile away.

Just like her mom.


Okay, I don't know what
you're talking about.

And I don't know about
your mother but,

umm, my body
is a temple.

I'm very choosey
with what goes in it.

It's a very
spiritual place.

Alisha: You are insane.

Alisha, stop.

Well thank you.

Okay girls, umm, I'll
see you later, hopefully.

Okay, bye.

We're watching
you Mr. Brown.

David: Terrifying girls.

God, why haven't
they just called?


[phone ringing]

[deep breath]

Roland Brown speaking.

Brenda: Hi Roland,
this is Brenda.


From Grissom High School?

We wanted to know
if you'd be fine

to take the job on a
temporary basis.

Of course.

I know this is
quite sudden.

We're in a bind.

Could we ask you
to start tomorrow?

I can--
Um-- Yep.

I can start


Oh that's wonderful.

Oh thank
you Roland.


We'll see you bright
and early tomorrow.

Alright thank you.

Appreciate it.

Okay thanks.

By now.



Roland Brown,
you just got a job.

[car horn]


No, it's--

Watch it! Eh?

Watch out!


David: Fuck you.

[school bell ringing]

Brenda: Okie doke I
set up your account

so you can now
access the system.

Pretty much
everything's on there.


You know, umm, I'm the
one in charge here

until Principal
Newman comes back.

Would you like to meet
your new colleagues?

So, I test, when was
the French revolution.

Ms. Simms: Right.

And she says
"the 1960s".

Hello everyone!

Brenda, kinda in the middle
of something, do you mind?

I'd like to introduce you to our
brand new guidance counsellor.

This is Mr. Roland Brown.

David: Hi.

Mr. Brown you call me
if you need anything.

I have my own

Okay. Buh-bye.


You know now that
Newman's on vaycay

the power's gonna go
right to her little head.

She is so effing


People are still using that
as a replacement for fucking?


Umm, I was just
effing joking of course.

Andrea, they call
me Miss Simms.

You wore a lot of crushed velvet
in the nineties didn't you?

Excuse me?

You just have
that look.

What does that mean?

What are you
talking about?


Mr. Schlitz.


Mrs. Schlitz.

Oh my god brother
and sister.

We're married.


I'm Scott Hal,
the gym teacher.

You look like you're
in great shape.

You know, it was really
great to meet all of you.

I'm sure we're
all gonna become

really close friends but
I should probably go.

Troubled teenagers await.

Bye now.

David's voice: Every task is
a step closer to my dream.

I am in harmony
with my surroundings.

I prepare for my life.

My life is important.


I am a professional.

[whispering] I'm an excellent
guidance counsellor.

I really wanna help
you, that's my passion.

That's what I'm gonna do
with the rest of my life.

Roland Brown.

Roland Brown.

Roland Brown.


Can I help you?


I have an appointment
with Mr. Fisher.

Mr. Fisher is dead.


Umm, can I
talk to you?



What's your problem?

Umm, it's a
friend thing.


A problem with
a friend.

I mean, I have
no friends.

And why do you
think that is?

Umm, Mr. Fisher
said I should

join extra-curricular

like prom committee, or
cheer leading.

But, I don't wanna join any
extra-curricular activities.

They're all
mean there.

I just wanna know
how to, you know,

be myself when I'm
not alone like,

interact with
other people?

I'm shy.

Umm, what's
your name?



Well, umm, Rhonda, maybe
uhh, listen to Mr. Fisher.

The dead man.

Why don't you
join prom committee?

Aren't you supposed
to help me?

I'm your guidance
counsellor, so, yes.

You sure?

I'm gonna go
to class now.




Attention students,
we have a new

interim guidance
counsellor with us.

His name is Roland
Brown, and if you have

any problems go see
him in room 205.

Thank you.

[school bell ringing]

Okay, that's that.


You got the job?

Yes girls, I'm you're
new guidance counsellor.

My name is
Rolland Brown.

I'm not sure if you've noticed,
but this is a bully-free zone.

Jabrielle: Bully-free zone.

Bully-free zone?

Are we in
grade five?

Now, umm, what
happened to your face?

Jabrielle: They don't make
bandages for black people.

It's like they want us to cover
up our cuts with your pink skin.

Umm, you can bully people
anywhere else in this school,

but just not in the parameters
of this office, okay?

Why are you
so nervous?

Don't you two have a
class to go to or something?

We don't go to class.

Do we Jabrielle?

No, school sucks.

Well if it's a waste
of your time

why don't you
just drop out?


Well drop out of
school if its--

Aren't you supposed to
tell us to stay in school?

I forgot. Umm. Stay
in school, girls.

Do you even know
what you're doing?

I know what
I'm doing.

I'm going to be helping
youth at this school.

I think you need
some help yourself.

Come on Jab,
let's go.

Your glasses
are crooked.

Thank you.


Oh, Mr. Brown.


Did they kill
you yet?


The kids?

Is that how the last
guidance counsellor died?

No that's just
an expression.


You didn't
bring a lunch?

No, I forgot.

So, what's
your story?

What do you mean?

You're deal,
what's your deal?

I don't have a deal.

Mr. Hal doesn't seem to think
you're very heterosexual so...

Well I'm sorry
to disappoint.

You're not on a
low-carb diet are you?

[chips crunching]

[toilet flushing]

Hi, uhh, what are you doing
in the boys' washroom?

This is the
girls' washroom.


What are you doing in
the girls' washroom?

Oh, I was just eating
a bag of chips.

Anyway, I'm gonna
go to my office.

Hi, I was just leaving.

Sorry about that.


[TV audience laughing]

TV Interviewer: Okay
could you tell me if you

plan on getting
married someday?



Well I guess.


If we don't move or
anything like that.

Interviewer: Would you
like a private marriage?

Peter: Umm, no.

Interviewer: You'd like
one with a lot of people?

Describe how your
dream wedding would be.

Peter: Okay I want, like,
everybody I know there.

Every single person like,
her relatives, my relatives.


David: Jesus Christ
you scared me.

David, where's
my cheque?

I actually just
got a job.

I can give you my rent after I
get my first pay cheque okay?

When's that gonna be?

In a couple
of weeks.

Fourteen days.

One day late and I'm gonna
throw your shit out myself.

Do you think we could
maybe make it fifteen days.

Just in case?

Thirteen days.

Okay, you're
really mean.

Do you know that?

[door slam]


Mr. Brown.

Please call me Scott.


I'm not just a
gym teacher.

I have many

I also write.

And by writing of course
I mean sitting at my desk

and masturbating
to internet porn.

Do you write at all?


Perhaps we can write
together some time.

I have to go.

Excuse me.

[tires screeching]

Get off the road!

Honey, it's fine.

Jesus Christ.

Please leave
me alone.

I know what your
problem is.

I can help
you fix it.

I used to be
like you.

You were a
youth counsellor?

What are you
talking about?

A wheel won't roll,
without a bit of grease.

There's nothing
wrong with my bike.

Excuse me--

I'm not talking about your
bike, know what I mean?

No I've no idea what
you're talking about.

Well you should.

Life gets a lot better when
you grease your own wheels.

Ms. Simms: They don't wanna
learn anymore like I did.

They all wanna
get up and act,

and I just need to acquaint
them with the basics,

like breathing into
their anuses.

Mr. Schlitz: Did you
hear about Brent Ward?

Simms: Uhh!

Looks like we have
another student expellee.

Mrs. Schlitz: Mmm
what happened?

Simms: He was caught selling
marijuana on school property.

Mrs. Schlitz: D'uh!

Simms: Yeah, it was bound to
happen sooner or later.

Seems like the
population of

problem students is
always expanding.

Well these things
perpetuate themselves;

drugs, alcohol, promiscuity,
teen pregnancy.

Yeah, and then we, the
taxpayers, end up spending

the rest of our lives payin for
their adolescent mistakes.

Mrs. Schlitz: Some of these
kids are just hopeless.

[whispers] Fuck.

Mr. Schlitz: Remember when
teenagers used to be normal?

Look, I gotta
go to class.

No, going to class is
bad for your self-esteem.

I'm not stupid.

You can't even spell
Jab, you're dyslexic.

Just skip English class
and smoke with me.

Take one.

Paintbrush is
back in style.


There's our insane
guidance counsellor.

What's he doing?

[muttering] I hate
this school.


He's not that bad.

What do you have a crush
on him or something?


I swear, these
fucking teachers.

I hate them.

David's voice: Some rules
are meant to be broken.

I stand against injustice.

I can take charge,
and change the world.

Hey Brenda.

Yeah I'm well.

I'm wondering if you
can call in Rhonda?

She's kinda plain?

Oh you mean
Rhonda Langdon.

Yes she is quite
plain isn't she?

I would be happy to
do that Mr. Brown.


Thank you.

P.A. System: Would
Rhonda Langdon

kindly report to the
guidance office.

Rhonda Langdon, please
report to the guidance office.

Thank you.

Hello Rhonda.


So, if this is about me
not joining prom committee.

Prom committee
is for idiots.

Sit down.

I'm gonna show
you something.

That's me.

I didn't have any
friends so I made

one out of my
mom's pantyhose.

And then I brought
it to school.

I've never been
that far-gone before.

I don't suggest making a friend
out of your mom's pantyhose,

because you'll be
labeled a freak.

I'll make a note of it.

As I guidance
counsellor I should

encourage kids to
be themselves right?

Guess so.


And I'd be a hypocrite
if I weren't being

myself while giving
advice right?

Yeah I guess...


I'm not your typical
guidance counsellor.

I'm actually
gonna help you.

You're not really into
prom committee are you?

I mean, you look
like you're wearing

the equivalent of
a burlap sack.

Can you help me
with my shyness?

It's with boys right?

I want a boyfriend but,
I don't know how to...

You know.

What kind of boys
do you like?

I'm attracted to
dumb people.

I may have inherited
it from my mom.

Or my dad.

You know it's
hard to know who.

They're both idiots.

I have the exact same
problem you have.

You like dumb guys?


Straight as an
arrow here.

Oh actually, I took
archery at camp,

and arrows
aren't straight.

They're pretty flexible and the
bend a lot when their in flight.

Okay, I'm
saying I'm shy.


But you know
what helps it?



Lets do a shot.


You're gonna like this.

Starting something new is totally amazing and worthwhile.



All right, for your next class,
flirt with the dumbest boy.


Thank you.

Bye Rhonda.

That is how
you do it.

David: Rhonda.

He looks
really dumb.




Could you help
me knead this?

It's kind of hard.

Heh, yeah mine's
kind of hard too.

Uhh, I'll see
what I can do?


Maybe we should
make it a bit wet.

Yeah okay.

I think it's working.


Feels good.

Rhonda: Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown!

Thank you!

I have a date!

His name is John.

He likes to play yuker.

He wants to work
in politics.

He's so nice,
and so dumb.

Oh, Rhonda.

Dumb politicians.

We don't need any
more of those.

You just send
him to me,

and I'll talk him out of
that career choice.


Have a good day.

David's voice: Every
day is a new beginning.

My life is full of
purpose and motivation.

Today, I put my full thrust
in my inner-guidance.

I am so motivated that
others get motivated,

just by being around me.

Everything I put my
heart and mind into,

I can accomplish.

I am well loved.

People respect me.

[phone ringing]


Jeneane: Hi David,

this is Jeneane calling from
Dr. Hawthorne's office.

We'd really like you to--


David's voice: I
create my own reality.


You again.


How's life as a
guidance counsellor?

You know, it's
really amazing.

You really have to
operate on their level

to get them to
open up to you.

The strongest
smokes I have?

Yes please.

And you know what?

While we're at it why don't
we get some of these cupcakes?

You know, I'm
off my diet.

I don't really care
about anything anymore.

Oh I have to give
you money don't I?


Forgetful these days.

Okay, you have a
really good day.

Computer game: Great
job Roland Brown.

Your nails are
so beautiful.

Shut the door

Hi girls.

How are you?

What happened to
your glasses?

Oh I switched to
contact lenses.

I have something
for you.

What's this?

It's just a gift.

Okay, can we be honest with you?

I'll be honest, I
don't like honesty.


everybody lies.

You need some
serious help.

What'd you do
with Rhonda?

let me talk.

Rhonda Langdon.

Uh huh.

The shyest girl
in school.


Asked out John

Yes. Good for her.

Now she's getting banged
left, right, and center,

and apparently it's
all because of you.

No. I don't think so.

Rumour is you
got her drunk.

Okay that was
self-medication on her part.

I had nothing
to do with it.

Grab a chair

Do you see a fruit
fly in here?

Grab a chair.

I think it followed
me from my

apartment that's kind
of embarrassing.

Have you ever
had that?

When fruit flies follow
you from place to place?

Jabrielle: Who's that?

That's my wife.

Or ex-wife.

This isn't your wife, this is a
friggin cutout from a magazine.

Okay guys.

Kay fuck it.

Let's just do
this okay?

This is a bully-free zone, but
clearly we are breaking a rule

right now because you guys are
bullies and you're bullying me.

One for you.
One for you.

Oh we should

To bully-free zones.

Oh my god.


Hi girls, whatcha doin?

We're just having a
group session here.

That sounds fun.

Brenda: After lunch, I'm
going to be sending

Brent Morgan to
speak with you.

He's an angry
young fellow.

And, and, I can't
handle him anymore.

I'm gonna send him into
you to do your magic.

David: Okay I agree.


Group session?

You make it sound
so perverted.

Okay girls let's
not be inappropriate.

Now finish your drinks
before we get caught.

P.A. System: Just a
reminder students,

while Principal
Newman is away,

the rules still apply.

Smoking must be done
off school property.

Thank you.

This school...

can fuck itself with
a rusty fucking pole.

You must be Brent.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Call me Ghost.

Have a seat...


They fuckin
expelled me.

What did they fucking
expel you for?

I dealt some pot
on school property.

And they're expelling
you for that?


And now what the
fuck am I gonna do?

What're my
parents gonna say?

They're gonna
kick me out.

I tried to tell em that but
no-one fucking listens to me.

Okay if I've learned anything
from the teaching staff,

they're not very good
fucking listeners.

Have a seat.

How much were you
selling the pot for?

I just sold one gram,
for twelve bucks.

You can charge way
more for that you know?

Yo aren't you supposed
to talk to me straight?


I have no money.

But I have this
bottle of vodka.

With taxes it's about
sixteen dollars.

So, why don't
we trade?

One gram of your
cheap pot, for this.

Are you serious?

Dead serious.




You know what?

The world is afraid of teenagers
who know how to make money.

They're afraid
of you guys.


afraid of Ghost.

But I ain't afraid
a no ghost.


How are your

They're mostly

Umm, I don't know
what that means.

It just means I should
be ashamed of them.

I think I can change your grades
to match your intelligence.

I don't think I've been
this high since the nineties.

There you are.

Oh god.

You've got
terrible marks.

School doesn't challenge
my intelligence so uh...

Why should I go?

Well do you think you
might wanna switch

schools to a more
challenging one?

What do you mean?

Well isn't there that smarty
pants school down on Glen Road?

Yeah, the Glen Bard.

Glen Bard.

That's an advanced
school, yeah.

There we are.

We're gonna
call Glen Bard.

Go, go, go,
go, go.

I'm dialing with
the tip on a pencil.

I've always wanted
to do that.

Uh, yes this is
Roland Brown calling.

I'm the vice--

Oh no I'm not the
vice principal.

I'm the guidance counsellor
at Grissom High,

umm, and I'm calling
about a transfer.

He needs to switch
schools to a more

challenging academic situation
as soon as possible.

Umm, yes he lives
in the district.


9 a.m. tomorrow?

Yeah he can do that.

Thank you.

You have a really
awesome day.

Okay thanks, bye.

Okay, if you want
an education?

You show up there tomorrow,
and impress them.

Dude, you know you're
the first person who's

ever listened to
me at this school.

How'd you get
to be so sick?

Let's just say I exist in
the space between

caring too much and
not giving a fuck.



David's voice:
I am wonderful.

I am great.

I am perfect just
the way I am.

Have you ever
thought that like,

the apocalypse has
already happened, and

we just exist in the mistakes
that the past left behind.


Don't be one of those people who
was goth in high school and then

went normal and started doing yoga and drinking coconut water.

They're the worst.

People get all worked up because
I'm not happy all the time but

it's like happy and sad are
the exact same thing,

it's just filler until you
get back to neutral.

I feel like we're
Siamese twins.

You don't need to lose thirty
pounds Megan, you're perfect.

No, I do.

I'm overweight.

Who the hell
says that?

My doctor.

Okay, doctors
are assholes.

They make tons of money
off of delivering bad news.

The world doesn't need
another teen girl on a diet.

The world needs
more Rebels.

I think this world
is really shitty,

and if you fit into it,
that makes you shitty too.

You're seriously the
most amazing person

I've ever met in
my entire life.

Only been
here a week.

Scott: I don't mind him.

He seems

You mean you want
to fuck him.

How are your grades?

I'm being considered
for valedictorian.

The issue isn't
my grades.

Apparently, it's
my clothes.

They say I'm

They never call
boys promiscuous.

The world doesn't like
it when girls enjoy sex.

What if I like
having sex?

Am I just supposed to
pretend like I don't?

No, quite the opposite.

I think if you wanna be
a slut, be a damn slut.

He's the strangest
man I have ever met.

There's gotta be
something wrong with him.

Students like him.

Simms: Oh, there's definitely
something wrong with him.

He has more in common with the
students than he does with us.

I want you to be
an inspiration

for all the other
sluts out there,

and you can let them know,
that they can be smart,

intelligent sluts
just like you.

Do I look like Gozer
from Ghostbusters to you?

Oh my god I
couldn't place it.

Okay maybe make me
more goth than Zuul.

Yeah I can
do that.

You know, I feel like I'm
finally coming into my own.


But, I don't mean
auto-fellacio by that.

David: Let's cheers.

Mmm. This is
really good!

So good!

You are so
fucking cool.

You are fucking
cool too.

Who wears
two-tone hair?

What does he even do
in his office all day?

Simms: Have you ever noticed how small and beady his eyes are?

That's a sign of
very low intelligence.

He dresses like a
ventriloquist dummy.


What is it with
that corduroy suit?

That's exactly right.

I wonder what his
home life is like.

[muffled voices
from computer]

Hi, welcome to
the talk show--

I don't feel pain.



I just wanted to say
thanks for the bandage.

I'm actually working on
another batch but obviously

I hope you don't
need to use them.


Come sit.

Well I just wanted to
say a quick thanks--

No, come in, come in,
come in, please talk to me.

Why do you
drink so much?

I just think the
world is better off

with people who like
themselves in it.

And I just happen
to like myself

a hell of a lot better
when I'm drinking.

If you ask me, I
don't call it drinking.

I call it making the
world a better place.

I don't mean this
as insulting but,

you don't fit in
here do you?

I'm an embarrassment.


I'm dyslexic.

I used to be an actor,
when I was a kid.

Do you have any idea what it's
like to go for auditions and

everyone's confused cause
you're reading the boy part.

So if you don't fit in here,
take that as a compliment.

Dyslexia is not
a big deal.

It's actually a gift.

You know a lot of
successful people have it.

Like, Tom Cruise, Whoopi
Goldberg, and Tracey Gold.

And she was
also anorexic.

You're really strange
and confusing.

Okay I know this
might sound funny but

when I look at you it's like
I'm looking in a mirror.



Except obviously I'm not,
umm, you know, dyslexic.


Stay cool.

Stay cool Mr. Brown.

The greatest thing to
ever happen to dyslexia,

is this little thing
called spell check.

You gotta use that.

I don't have a
computer but--

Oh take mine, I
don't need it.

No it's a gift.

You're crazy.

I know I'm crazy,
it doesn't matter.

Take the computer.

I'm going
to class.

No-- You sure
you don't want it?

It's got spell
check on it.

You can borrow
it any time.

[phone ringing]

Oh hi, I'm wondering if I can
speak with a Denise Crane?

The mother of
Jabrielle Crane.

Yup, I can hold.

Denise: Hello?

Uh, hi, this is
Mr. Brown calling.

I'm the guidance counsellor
at, uh, Grisson High,

and I'm calling about
your daughter Jabrielle?

Shit, what has she
done this time!?

Don't worry she'll get the
appropriate punishment!

Uh, okay.

Um, she has some sort of
bruise or a cut on her face.

I'm wondering if you could
let me know how she got that?

Listen you mind
your own business.

Okay you don't understand,
she's done nothing wrong.

Yeah well that's
a surprise.

Okay why do
you say that?

She's an embarrassment.

Okay an embarrassment?

Like your on-the-phone charm
is the pride of the family?


Cassandra: Hello?

Uhh, hi is this um,
Cassandra Crane?


Uh I have you down as a
secondary contact for Jabrielle.

I'm the guidance counsellor
at her high school.

Oh is she okay?

I'm not sure.

Tell her Auntie Cass misses her and she can come visit any time.

Can you let me know if
things are okay at her home?

She needs to get
out of that house.

Can I ask why?

There are
problems there,

I can't really talk
about it on the phone.

Is she okay?

Well you know us

we gotta look out
for one another.

I'll be in touch if
there's an issue,

but don't worry,
she's in good hands.

Okay, bye.

Hello Mr. Brown,
may I sit?

Actually, I'm only
licensed to help

teenagers so I apologize
but you're gonna have to go.


I'm not here
for your help.

And I think
you know that.

I also don't need
my wheels greased,

whatever that means.

Why are you here?

I was wondering if you'd like
to meet me for dinner tonight?

Just a little chat.

Would you be buying?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Umm, would it
include drinks?

Well I don't drink
but, yeah of course.


Kay, umm, I'm
saying yes.

But it's only because,
umm, I'm hungry.

Well I'm very aware
of how hungry you are.

There's a reason why I
asked you out for dinner.

I'm sorry,
asked me out?

No, no, no, no.

This isn't a date.

I know what you are.

You must know it too.

You mind if we get
two more of these,

as soon as possible,
if you don't mind.

You're a very
sexy man.

You could be taken
advantage of.

No, if you don't
mind, I prefer special.

You could be
yourself you know.

You can have a lot of
fun being yourself.

Actually, he doesn't
drink, thank you.

I know I come on strong but
don't let that intimidate ya.

You don't intimidate me at all.

You're a gym teacher.

I think I can help you become
more comfortable with yourself.

I'm so sorry, but it's been
driving me nuts all night,

you played Peter on
Wacky Street didn't you?

I think you have me
mixed up with somebody so...

Wacky Street?

It was my favourite
show as a kid.

You're my favourite

I've never heard
of it, I'm sorry.

We're good, if
you can just--

Well that's crazy, cause
you look like exactly

like the grown version
of this child actor.

David: Nope,
sorry, not me.

Thank you, if
you don't mind.

Waitress: Yeah
I'm so sorry.

Enjoy your date.


You ever wanna
talk or anything...

I don't wanna talk.

Well I don't either.

Nope, no, no.

Can you unlock
the door please?

If you don't mind?


Where are ya?

Are you peeing
sitting down?

Ms. Kim would
you mind?

I'm going to
the bathroom.

Oh listen princess,
I don't give a crap.

It's been
thirteen days.

If I don't see a cheque
in my mail box by noon

tomorrow I'm throwing
your shit out on the lawn.

David's voice: I
practice forgiveness.

I choose to harmonize with positive energy in the universe.

I preserve my happiness
with my thoughts and beliefs.

I respect my body.

I eliminate all of the
failures in my life.

Wacky Street.

Oh my god.

Oh, what the hell?

Get off the road!

Thank you for
dinner last night

but I'm actually quite
busy right now.

Hello, David.

Who's David?

Oh I know
who you are.

I'm Roland Brown.

No, you're a
sad, sad man,

and you need
get some help.

My agent set
this up.

This is just a
preparation for a role.

I'm just doing
some research.

Wow, I expected you
to be a better actor.

Okay I'm not acting.

I should call the police,
but I'll be honest,

I don't like cops.

Could you please
leave my office?

I'm gonna let you come
clean on your own,

and when Principal
Newman comes back,

you need to tell him.

Okay, get out
of my office.

You can be
yourself, you know.

[phone ringing]


Hi this is Ginny
Gold calling you back.

You said you had some
information about my brother.

Yeah, I do.


Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown!

Oh my goodness
are you okay?


Newman is coming back
this afternoon a day early.

I just wanted to
give you some warning.

Oh god I gotta
get my cheque.

I don't want
that thank you.

Are you all right?

You know the
gym teacher?

The gay one?

He's the worst.

I wouldn't know.

The teaching
staff ignore me.

All adults are
assholes, Brenda,

especially teachers,
agents, and landlords.

Mr. Brown, are you
sure you're okay.

Yeah I've never
been better.

Hey baby where
you goin?

Talk to me
for a second.

You know I like a
nice ghetto booty.

Motherfuck, hold
on a second.

Jab, d'you
need my help.

Hey fuck off faggot.

-You fuck.
-Fuck off.

Oh my god!

Oh my goodness!



Mr. Brown, you're
a superior.

You should
know better.

He started it!

Oh my goodness!

You can not be
fighting with a student.

That's not fair.

Brenda: Desmond!

Desmond stop it!

David: Don't spit on me.

Fuck you.

Roll away.

Oh my gosh.

Desmond, you're a jerk,
you're a fucking bully.

Brenda: Language!

Get that
camera away.

Piece of shit,
you're a pig fucker.

Brenda: Oh my gosh.

Control yourself!


Get off of him!

I didn't do

Yeah right.

What are you
doing here?

You're cut off.

What are you
doing David?

Who are you?

And why are you
calling him David?

He's my brother, and
he's got some problems.

I don't have
any problems.

They like me.

You guys like
me right?

I made you a
happy slut.

Don't walk away.

And, Rhonda.

You wanted a boyfriend.

You said you liked dumb guys,
and now you're dating one.

You think I'm dumb?

No, you're the smartest
guy I ever met.

Let's go.

She's lying.

You guys don't like me anymore,
just cause my name's David?

What the hell happened
while I was gone?

Hi Newman.

Umm, how was
your vacation?

The police have
been called.

Umm, kay, can I
get my cheque?

Are you kidding?

I've been here
working for two weeks.

This was not a
volunteer position.

I worked very hard.

Here's a cheque made
out to Roland Brown.

How are you planning
to cash it, huh?

Did you even think
that through?

Well, no.

Shut the front
door David Gold!

Okay do you think we could stop
"shutting the front door"

and get back to
shutting the fuck up?

Who are you anyway?

Come on, hold
it down.

What happened to you!?

We trusted you!

We gave you
a chance!

We did!



Oh my god!

Identity theft.

To go back to
high school.

There's nothing more repulsive
to a teenager than taking life

advice from someone who went
to school to help teenagers.

They're all out of touch.

Kind of like you.

Being in touch with
teenagers is not

something to be proud
of as an adult.

You bought
them alcohol.

You served it
in the school.

You sold
them weed!

No, no, no, no.

I did not sell
them weed.

That was a
fair trade.

Listen, everybody
knows that teenagers

are gonna drink
and smoke drugs.

If you do it with them,
everybody has fun.

You are a very
troubled man.

They're gonna
arrest you.

No they won't.


Newman: Brenda!

[police sirens]

David's voice: All I feel is the warm optimism surrounding me.

Things are looking up.

What the--

This is-- This
is my stuff.

This is my stuff!



I want your shit off
my property by sundown.

You're really mean.

You know that?




[cars honking]

Angry driver: Get out of
the middle of the road!

Jabrielle: I don't care!

Denise: You can't leave!

You can't pay rent!

Jabrielle: I hate you!

I'm leaving!

Denise: I swear to god!

You leave here,
you don't come back!

I'm telling you
right now!

[muffled yelling]

[fire crackling]

[fire crackling]

Hey, Mr. Brown?

Did you follow me?

It's cold, come
under the blanket.


I ran away
from home.

It was your
mom, wasn't it?

That's why you're
wearing the bandage.

Hey, thanks for
having my back today.

No problem.

Desmond kicked my ass.

Are you okay?

I'm not gay
by the way.

I don't even
like penises.

Every time I
look at mine

I think of a baby turtle
wearing a beige turtleneck.

I just wanna
cut it off.

The world would be a better
place if penises weren't in it.

Just think about that.

Well, Mr. Brown, if we
didn't have penises

then there wouldn't
be any babies.


World peace.

When's the last
time you used it?

I just peed on that tree over
there about ten minutes ago.

No I mean like,
really used it?

My aunt she won a juicer in a
raffle once, and she hated it

because it took up too
much space in her kitchen.

Then she used it.

Now all she drinks
is carrot juice.

Maybe you just need to start
loving your penis Mr. Brown.

When I was a kid and
I had a bad day,

a slushy always made
me feel better.

I miss the days when I could
fix everything with a slushy.

We need slushies.

Jabrielle: Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown.

Umm, how much
money do you have?

David: I don't have any
money, I'm homeless.

Oh, god.

What're we gonna do?

I don't know, but
I'll do it with you.

No, no, no, you don't
wanna come into my world.

It's a strange and
confusing place.

You don't wanna
be a part of it.

I don't have
anywhere else to go.

You're the only one
who listens to me.



You know come
to think of it,

you're the only one who
really listens to me too.

Then we should
stick together.

It's pretty typical
that the only one

who gets me is the
dyslexic teenager.

I mean that in a
spiritual way.

We need
to get money.

Maybe we should like,
rob a bank or something.

We can't rob a bank, you'll
never graduate high school.

Well, we need
the money.

If we're gonna steal,

I wanna rob something
that's bad for the world.

Like what?

I don't know.

We need a car.

I think I know of the
perfect car we could steal.

What are you doing?

Oh god.

Hey Desmond.

What the hell
are you doing?

You just wanna cause
trouble don't you?

And that's what
makes you happy?

And I wouldn't be doing my job
as a guidance counsellor if I

didn't, like, attempt to
make you happy would I?

What are you
getting at?

Do you know how
to hotwire a car?

Here we go.

You're really good
at this Desmond.

I actually need
to use that.



Apologize to Jab.

For what?

What do you have
to say to this guy?

You're an asshole,



I'm sorry!

Mkay, perfect.


[engine revving]

So why're you
guys stealing a car?

It's none of
your business.

Mr. Schlitz: Hey. Hey!


Hey no!

Get out of
my car!

Woah, woah, woah.

No, no, no, no, no!


That's my car!

You know what,

Mr. and Mrs. Schlitz don't
deserve a yellow car.

We deserve a
yellow car.

[phone ringing]

Alisha: Where
are you idiot?

You run away with your
little boyfriend, Mr. Brown?

Bitch, what the fuck.



Fucking dumbass, hello?

Did you just throw your
phone out the window?

Yeah, I don't wanna
talk to her anymore.

You're awesome.

I think I know of a
place we can rob.

A tanning salon?

Yes, I'm gonna do
this on my own okay?

You stay here.


Okay, okay.

I'm not nervous,
I'm not nervous.


Can I help you?

Yeah, um.

I'm wondering
if I could get

fifteen minutes in
your express bed.

And if you could give me all
the cash in your register?

Excuse me?

I'm hungry, and
I need money.


Um, I'm sorry,
I'm nervous.

Listen, I ate the string
off my hoodie last night,

and half of it's about
to come out my butt.

I've had a bad
couple of days.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, if I could--

Oh, you don't need
to feel awkward,

we have plenty of
African-American customers.

I'm Canadian.


Jab, get back in the car
I have this covered okay?

This is a hold-up, so..

This is a hold-up
lady, I've got a gun!

You wanna see?

Come let's go,
let's go.

A gun?

Hurry hurry.

As soon as
you can.

More money.

Cashiere: Take it!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Really sorry
about this.

Thank you.

You have a
really good day.

I love your tan.

Oh my god.


Come on Mr. Brown.

[tires squealing]

News report: In what appears to be a robbery spree targeting

only tanning salons,
police are seeking the

individuals seen in this
surveillance video.

Anyone with information is
asked to call Crime Foilers.

Dickhead for
stealing my car.

I think it's kinda hot.

It's like we're curing
stage three melanoma,

one robbery at a time.

I know, we're rich.

How much money
do we have?

It's lookin like we
have a thousand dollars.

Oh my god.

[phone ringing]

My phone's ringing,
hold on a sec.


Jeneane: Hi, this is Jenean
from Dr. Hawthorne's office.

It's been a couple weeks
since your last appointment.


[hand slap]



I like them when
they're hard.

I'm not a very good
guidance counsellor.

I'm peeing on the
side of the road

while I'm on the
lamb with a student.


Where are we going?

Everything in this
room smells so good.

I just smell DNA.

It's disgusting.

Maybe you should
chill with the drinking?

Says you?

I know you're
not gay.

I mean, I never
thought you were.

I'm sorry.

What's happening?

Oh no, no.

I'm your guidance

I can't.

You're not really my
guidance counsellor.

I know but can
you just pretend?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I think--
I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna
walk it off.

[muttering] Idiot
Jab, idiot.

Just messed
everything up.

One of the strangest local
robbing sprees in recent memory

occurred today, when David
Gold, a failed actor posing as a

guidance counsellor, along with a local high school student,

robbed a series
of tanning salons.

The suspects started here
at Sunny Beach tanning

salon, where they held an
employee up at gunpoint.

What happened here?

Well it was terrifying
they just barged in.

I was like "excuse me",
and they had a gun--

The sister of David
Gold is there anything

you want to say to
him right now?

Yes there is, uh,
David you are--

identity theft,

will charges of kidnapping
be leveled against David--

Authorities say
the suspect

wanted fame
and notoriety.

According to sources, he's a
psychologically disturbed,

immature man.

David's voice: I am
comfortable with my power.

I use my
power wisely.

I look forward to what
life has in store for me.

It's easy for me to
stand up for myself.

I have high self-esteem.

I am on my way to
accomplishing all of my goals.


Have you ever woken
up in the morning

and all you wanna do is watch
an episode of Kate and Allie,

and then you remember it's been
off the air for thirty years.


I hate those days.

Is everything
okay Mr. Brown?

I'm sober.

Mr. Brown.

[fingers snapping]

Why aren't you
saying anything.

Jabrielle, I actually
want to help you, okay?

Well you already have.

Umm, where
are we going?

We're making a right.

Yeah, well, the
highway's that way.

The bus station?

Are we abandoning
the car?

This is where
you move on.

Mr. Brown.

I want you to make
a deal with me.

You take this money, and you
visit your aunt in Winnipeg.

I know it's
not ours but...

No I'm an optimist.

I figure I'll go to prison, I'll
see a doctor, I'll sober up,

and I'll probably end
up having gay sex.

I'll let you know
if I like it.

I want you to repeat
after me okay?


I love myself.

I love myself.

I'm gonna be a success,
despite the odds.

I'm gonna be a success,
despite the odds.

I have met all of
my expectations.

I've met all of
my expectations.

Get out of the car.

Get out of the car.

No, I mean get
out of the car.

Go visit your aunt,
she misses you.


Take my computer.

It's got spell
check on it.

Thanks Mr. Brown.

No problem.


This is David Gold calling.

I'm the guidance counsellor.

I just want to make it clear that I kidnapped Jabrielle Crane

and I forced her to join me in
the tanning salon robberies.

I've since released her and have
no idea of her whereabouts,

but if you want to
come and arrest me,

I'm at the convenience
store at the corner of

Sutherland and McCray.

David's voice: I
believe in myself.

If I don't fit into
a imperfect world,

I allow myself
to be imperfect.

I let go of my past and firmly
root myself in the present.

I have flaws.

Success is a
state of mind.

I am not who I thought I'd
become, and that's okay.

I'm trying my best,
and that' good enough.

I can be myself.

I am free.

The real me
starts now.

Now I want you to repeat
after me; I have power.

I have power.

I'm gonna be a success
despite the odds.

I'm gonna be a success
despite the odds.

I love myself.

I love myself.

Okay, you guys did
a really good job.

I just wanna take this
opportunity to let you know

that I'm massively attracted to
the three of you right now,

and I can say that
because I love myself.

I also want you to know that
midnight express is one of my

favourite movies so if you
ever wanna take a shower,

I've been practicing
dropping the soap.

I consider my body to be
a very spiritual place.

But I'm not very choosey
about what goes in it.

We're gonna be really
good friends, guys.

I'm in cell 2B, if
you ever wanna...

You know.