Guest House (2020) - full transcript

We can't afford
any of these houses.

Look, Daddy's gonna
help with the downpayment.

He doesn't even like me.

Oh, he just doesn't know you
well enough yet.

This is it?
It can't be, this is like a palace.

I think this is the place.

This is it?

Well, there's Edna's car.

- Okay, Mr. Bad Cop.
- Mm-hmm.

- What's the plan?
- Okay, we've seen, what?

- Six, seven houses already?
- Eleven.



Eleven, right.
Yeah, perfect. Okay.

We go in there stone-faced.

- Stone-faced.
- We show zero emotion, okay?

No matter how much
we love this place,

we got to keep
our poker faces, okay?

I'll be bad cop.

Hey, you two!

- Shut up and take our money.
- I knew you'd like it.

Why don't you two
follow me into the kitchen?

Poker face?

Oh, holy shit, this kitchen!

Wow.

I mean, I wanna learn how to
make soufflés in this kitchen.

This coming from a man who can't even
microwave hot dogs in my apartment?



You're goddamn right.

Impressed.
So, what's the catch?

Holy shit, this backyard!

- Shut up and take our money.
- Uh-huh.

It's one of the largest
yards in the area.

Great for barbecues
and summer fun and debauchery.

Look at this pool.
You know what that means?

- Aqua-aerobics.
- Aqua-aerobics nude.

Does every one of your scenarios
involve me being naked?

I mean, I don't know.

Uh... what's that noise?

- What?
- That... like that loud...

It's like a...

- Throbbing.
- I don't hear anything.

- Okay.
- There's definitely like a...

Throbbing bass line.

It's pretty loud.

- Oh, that.
- Yeah. Yes.

That's nothing.
That's absolutely nothing.

There's just someone
in the guest house.

- Oh. Okay, yeah.
- Okay.

Are you guys here for the party?

- Hell no.
- Wait. Wait, wait. Come back, come back!

- I've seen enough. Thank you, that's enough.
- Thank you, that's great.

No, guys, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

- Trust me.
- No.

He'll be out of here
in a month.

You could use it
as rental property.

Twenty-four hour notice, Edna. Twenty-four
hour notice. You know that shit.

I texted you, faxed you, DM'd you.
I hit you up on MySpace!

Well, you know I don't check my social
media platforms or my text messages

when I'm fucking on
hallucinogenics.

Oh, but somehow you managed
to respond with a dick pic.

Yeah, and you should be thanking me.
That was my penis's good side.

Your penis looked depressed.

Well, here it is, guys.

This is it.
This is the guest house.

Okay? It's a smaller version
of the big house,

except for it smells
like bongwater and K-Y.

Okay, you seen's it,
now take off.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, go. Spatch, spatch!

Sarah!

It's not that bad!

Mm.

- Wanna smoke some weed, bro?
- Oh, no, no, I'm good.

Thank you so much,
but, uh, no.

I haven't smoked anything
in a really long time, so...

- Ahem. Mm.
- Yeah. Great. Okay.

You got so much cool,
random stuff in here.

Yeah, well, I'm a collector
of old artifacts.

- Oh, my God, you have a bomb!
- Yeah.

- That's so cool.
- That's cool. But what about this right here?

This is Tommy Lee's sex swing.

Right on. Great.
Uh... cool.

All right, listen.

- Let's get down to brass tacks here.
- Okay.

What is it,
what's your name? Blake?

- Blake, yeah.
- Blake, yeah, take a seat.

So, here's the deal,
let me just ask you a question.

Are you guys really thinking
about buying this place,

or you just passing through?

Well, actually, you know,
I-I think we're pretty serious about it.

We-we really... Okay.

- Really? Here, you want?
- Yeah. No, no, no.

That's not why
I was looking at it.

It's Peruvian,
just came in from El Chapo.

Wow. It's still morning.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Listen, um,
if you buy the place...

If you buy it, right, I mean,
I could stay in the guest house, right?

I'll pay rent and shit.

- We're good, right? Straight?
- Uh...

Well, that sounds awesome,
it really does,

but, you know, we're thinking,
like, we buy the place...

No, I'm good.
Thank you. It's...

Uh, we're thinking if we buy the
place, we'd want access to all of it.

- Which would include the guest house.
- Mm.

You... you understand.

Copy, copy, gotcha, gotcha.

- All right.
- Well, this was awesome.

Uh, very nice to meet you Mr...

Cockfield.
Randy Cockfield.

Bye-bye.

Bye, thank you.

- Bye.
- Mm...

- Are you freaking kidding me?
- I know.

But we have to give him time to
move out.

I know, Edna told me.

I just don't feel comfortable
allowing some weirdo

to live in our guest house
for three months.

Do you think
we could get him out quicker?

I don't know. I mean,
he's like an entrepreneur collector guy.

You know, you saw
all of his stuff.

What kind of entrepreneur
lives in someone's guest house?

A frugal one?

I don't know.
I mean, I didn't sit down

and talk with him about all
of his finances and everything.

Look, I know
that this is weird. I do.

- You think?
- But aren't you tired?

I'm so tired.
I just wanna...

I wanna just lay down.
I wanna be home.

And just say, "We live here now,
we're not going anywhere."

I do love that yard.

And the...
What about the gazebo?

Promise me
he'll be out soon.

That guy gives off
weird vibes.

I pinky promise.

I'm serious, babe.

I... I'm serious.
I promise.

As soon as
we get settled in here,

I will march right out there,
and I'll say,

"You gotta get out of here
in three months."

He's gonna end up... a week.

We can get him
out of there in a week.

- We're doing it.
- We are.

- We are doing this.
- Yeah. This is us. We're doing this.

- I mean...
- Oh...

I love this photo.

Well, take a look at this.

- Later, brah.
- Later... brah.

Oh, yeah.

- Dude, what the fuck?!
- Give it to me.

Look, if you guys are gonna have
sex, can you at least close the door?

Close it and join us.

- Yeah! Come join us, Blake.
- No.

Look, we need to set a time
for you to move out.

- Blake! Blake, get in here!
- Uh...

- Yeah?
- Someone's been in our kitchen.

- What?
- Cupboards are empty, groceries are gone.

Even the gluten-free cookies
are gone.

Like, seriously,
who the fuck eats those?

Randy, obviously.
The fucking moron.

Mm.

You moved
a lot of boxes today.

Yeah, I really did,
didn't I?

It was crazy.

So, I thought that you
deserved to be rewarded,

- and tonight...
- Oh...

I thought we could do
anything that you wanted.

- Hmm...
- Hm?

You know, this is
a judgment-free zone, right?

Yeah.

Remember the other day
when you were, uh...

talking to me like a dude?

Mm-hmm.

I kind of, uh...
Something about it

'cause it's...
You're acting like dude,

but it's you,
but it's you doing that voice...

I gotcha.

Fuck me, bro.

- What? Mm-hmm.
- Wha...

What, you hard of hearing there, chief?
I said fuck me, brah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that really works for me.

- Oh, fuck me, bro!
- Oh, my God!

What the fuck?

Um... sorry.

Looks like
he's just doing ayahuasca.

Ayahuasca?
what-what the hell is that?

It's where you, like,
drink a tea from a root,

and you get all sick
and have a spiritual experience.

You'll be all right,
my brother, just let it out.

You're trying to get
all the negativity out.

Let's not let this
get in the way.

- Yeah, bro.
- Yeah, brosef?

- Dude, what the fuck?
- Oh, my God.

- No. Wait, wait, wait...
- Dude, I can't. Dude!

Wait, wait, wait.
I'll really work. Hold on...

- Come on.
- He's, like, dying out there.

- Well, it's... part of the experience.
- I can't.

- Get all the negative energy out.
- Don't just...

All the negativity out.

Fuckin' Randy.

Oh, God.

Wake up!

Why...
Why am I being attacked?

Fuck! Oh, shit!

Blake, Blake,
what are you doing in my room?

- What are you doing in my room?
- Relax. Take it in.

Take it in.

Oh, God.

You gotta be out
by the end of the day.

Okay? If you need help paying for a hotel...

Fuck! Or anything, I'll help you
out, but, dude, you crossed a line.

All right, passing out
in front of our house?

Sarah is pissed,
and I'm with her on this one.

Yeah, well, you tell Sarah when it comes
to tenant's rights in California...

it's always
pro-motherfuckin' tenant.

Guess what I am, bro?

Huh?

I'm your motherfucking tenant!

Goddammit, you're beautiful.

Fuck! Fuck it,
I gotta get high.

Please.

- Yes!
- Fuck it.

It was just a matter
of time. Bam!

You know, a few years ago,

we totally would have
been friends.

Like, in college
I was a full-on wild man.

All my friends
thought I was a legend.

Oh, shit, well,
let's do some coke, bro.

Oh, no, no, no.
Just... weed's fine.

- Oh, copy, copy. Gotcha, gotcha.
- Weed's cool.

But I do want to get,
like, very high.

Not regular high,
but like really high.

- How high?
- As high as I can possibly get.

- I'll do anything.
- You'll do anything?

- Yeah, anything.
- Fucking anything?

- Anything?
- Anything, dude.

C'mon.

C'mon... let's go.

- Let's go.
- I am not fucking doing that.

- You said you'd do anything.
- I'm not doing that.

Just repeat after me,
okay? It's very simple.

- I'm not gay.
- I'm not gay.

- I'm not gay.
- I'm not gay.

So then you're good to do it.
Now suck it, let's go.

Dude, of all the pipes
you got in this place,

why do we gotta smoke
out of this one?

- It's how I sort out my pretenders.
- No.

Okay? If you can suck on
Randy Cockfield's dick pipe,

you're good with me.
Let's go, suck it.

You like chicks.
I know you have a chick.

- Just come on, come close.
- Fine.

This makes you my real friend.

- Come on, get close.
- Okay, okay.

- Delete that shit.
- No, no, no, no...

- Delete that! Delete that shit!
- No, no, no.

- I need more followers, bro.
- Dude, I have a job.

I have a girlfriend.
Delete that shit.

Oh, my God! Whoa!

Blow in my face...

Dude, I'm totally gonna sneak in here
all the time and smoke that dick!

- I underestimated you. For real.
- Oh, yeah. Thank you, man.

I like hanging out with you,
man. It's very fun.

If you want to hang harder,
dude, check this shit out.

- Look, look.
- All right.

Check out what's in the box!

- Hm?
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So, you're like...
You're like a drug addict, huh?

Yep, no. I'm a drug connoisseur.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Yeah, mixing and matching
the drugs

is precisely how you don't get
addicted to the drugs.

- Smart. That's really smart.
- Yeah, you gotta mix and match.

But there is one drug
that I'm missing.

What's that?

Dude, your fucking head is gonna
spin when you see the shit.

- We're talking about flakka.
- Flakka.

The drug
is called flakka.

Some are calling it
the insanity drug.

The insanity drug.

It is described as the
scariest drug in the world.

Way more powerful
than heroin or cocaine.

It is a synthetic drug that
will alter your state of mind.

- Extreme delirium.
- Raising body temperature

and causing people
to literally lose their mind.

Dude, you cannot do
the flakka, man.

- Why not?
- It's a bad drug!

Yeah, fuckin' badass.

You can't do that
in my house, man.

- That's... that's bad.
- What's so bad about it?

It's not even fuckin' in California yet.
Relax, dude.

All right, well,
that's good. That's good.

- Yet.
- No.

My friend Benny's
this region's supplier.

He's bringing the shit over.

Dude, no. It's a no, ma.

I mean, I don't want that
on my property.

If Sarah found out...

Oh, Sarah, you know...

Fuckin' Sarah.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah! All right.

You know, what, uh...
Hey, fuck you, you fucking asshole.

You know what? You can't hang with
me anyways, you little party pussy.

You know, spatch.
Get out of my place.

Yeah, I'll spatch,

you fucking pathetic,
crusty fuck.

Yeah, you can't even hang out
in my lair you piece of shit.

Hey, babe.

Maybe we can
stop by the hardware store

and get some lights
for the gazebo.

Yeah, that'd be...
Yeah, that'd be... Mm... great.

Did you have
a talk with Randy today?

I... yeah. Yeah, we... more...

Yeah, more or less
we had the talk.

It got...
It was serious and he's...

So he's now... He's dedicated
to finding a new place.

- Blake.
- Was that...? Yeah.

- Are you okay?
- I'm good, yeah.

Yeah, I'm ju...
Yeah, I'm, like tired.

I'm kinda tired from, like...
I didn't sleep that great.

You're high.

- No, I'm not.
- You're, hon...

You're totally high.

- You... He was smoking...
- Mm-hmm.

And I may have breathed some in.

- Just stop talking.
- Okay.

Whoa, but I do think
you should know,

there was a cloud. Like a...

Look, Blake, I ask you
to go out there

and do one thing,
just get rid of the guy,

and instead
you get baked with him?

No, I didn't. I...
I was like...

We were unwinding.

I was just unwinding.
Like, I'm... I've been stressed.

Oh. Oh, you've...
you've been stressed. Mm-hmm.

You know, you know,
I've been stressed, too.

You know, teaching 48
2nd graders a day isn't easy.

Yeah, no, I know.

Do you really?
Because while you go off

to your skateboarding job
every day

and talk about things
that nobody over 30 cares about,

I'm dealing with angry parents
and trying to figure out

how to pay for school supplies
with zero budget.

And then I get to come home
and deal with this shit.

I have students who are
way more mature than you are.

I feel like
that's kind of unfair.

I mean, I haven't, like,
smoked anything in, like, a long time.

She got you, man.
She's right.

What's happening, sweetpea?

I think Blake's on drugs...
again.

Good. Then maybe the two of you
should take a little break.

Or a long break,
or a permanent break.

Dad, you're not helping.

I need some Dad advice.

I love him. But...

I don't... I don't know
what to do, I...

Sweetheart...

If you are certain
that you love this boy,

then just make sure
that you have

the unwavering devotion
and dedication

that your mother and I share.

Got it. I... I gotta...
I gotta go work this out.

Uh... you wanna use
my hotel room?

- What?
- I keep a hotel room.

For the last few months,
I've had a room in town.

You're welcome to it.
Okay, no.

- No, that's... Yeah. I...
- No problem.

- Have you heard from Kip?
- Mm... no.

Fire in the fucking hole!
Oh, shit!

Dude...

I am not stoked
to admit this, dude,

but we should
tone it down on the turbo.

Uh, do you need, like,
medical attention or anything?

- You good?
- Come on, dude.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Just...

- Come with me. Let's talk.
- Yeah, sorry.

We just released
that promotional video

for the skatewear line,
and it's trending.

We got a shout out
on Kimmel last night.

All of our social media
is kinda blowin' up.

Plus, that kid's mom,
she's not pressing charges anymore.

- Nice!
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And now you're exactly
seven weeks out

from being able to skateboard
on public property.

Yeah... Hey, dude. You know I've
enjoyed this time

to be intimate
with my people, right?

Oh, and everyone here loves having
you around, Mr. Kapinsky, they...

Blakey-Blake!
I have one rule.

You know this,
I'm not mister,

- I'm damn well not sir.
- Right.

- Who am I?
- You're Shredd.

Yeah. And why?

- Uh...
- Thirty-six skin grafts!

Zero real teeth and more fuckin
metal than you can shake a dick at.

- Right.
- Right. And what's all that from?

Shredding it so fuckin' hard.

That's right, man.

Fucking shredding!

I'll take...

- Fuck!
- Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, yeah.
- Why do I have to always hit a fucking stud?

'Cause you are
fuckin' Shredd, sir!

- That's why.
- That's right, man.

- Fuckin' epic!
- Oh, my God.

Let's see
some skating around here!

Yo!

All right. All right.

Isn't the architecture great?

I mean, I can see myself
getting married in this house.

Sar-bear, I love you,
so I'm gonna tell you this

as delicately as possible.

You could do so much better.

I love Blake.

He's amazing.
I mean, he's everything...

Listen, whatever you decide,
know that I'll always have your back.

I just... I always envisioned
your life differently, you know?

Like, more like mine,
where I have this job

where I don't do a lot of work,
but I make a lot of money?

I know.

- And I know he's the one.
- You know?

You know.
Just like in college

when you knew
that you didn't like girls.

Seriously, don't even right now.

If Blake heard you, he would never
stop hounding me for a three-some.

Shit really? You know,
I'm totally down for that.

Whoa...

Oh, sh...

- Hey, Skippy.
- What's up, boy?

Meow. Me... Jesus!

That's not a...
fucking cat. Blake!

What the fuck?
Blake, there's a...

There's a goddamn
muskrat on your porch!

Help, Blake!

Looks like someone's
off the market.

I mean, you're not married yet.

- Right?
- Yeah. No.

So, what do you say
we have one last office fling.

Holy shit.

Uh, I don't... I don't think
that we can do that.

- Yeah? Come on.
- Know if I should.

- What happened to fun Blake?
- No, he's right here.

I'm still super fun,
I just, you know,

I'm serious with Sarah,
and, you know...

- You wanna shred me?
- I shouldn't.

You know...
Hey, hey, hey.

- Let's just pause this, take a...
- Blakey-Blake!

Whoa! What the fuck
are you doing?

I'm not... It's not
what it looks like.

- I... I know.
- Come on.

You're unbuckled,
your fly's down.

Look, I don't know
how she got fly down.

That was all that happened,
it was a misunderstanding.

Bro-man, dude.
You have a woman now.

You got me
really worried about you.

- I appreciate...
- I don't like it.

Got it.

Sorry.

Yep.

How was everything?

Would you say
your spinach was leafy?

Look,
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

- I've been stressed with work.
- Yeah, no, no.

I know. I'm sorry,
though, too.

Obviously, I should be
more sorry than you.

I mean, the Randy situation
is horrible,

but none of that
really matters.

This is all that matters.
You and me.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

I love you.

And... I want to marry you.

I, um, don't
actually have a ring,

but I could do that.

I just kind
of arrived at this.

This is a mean, mean joke.

No, I'm not joking.
I'm so serious.

- You're like for real, real?
- Yeah.

We can do it here
in this house.

What better way
to christen it?

- Don't fuck with me.
- I'm not fucking with you.

- You guys, I just needed a can opener.
- Jesus.

- Don't have a cap opener.
- There is no chance

- you don't have a can opener.
- We don't have one.

- Is this a bad time, or...?
- This is an extremely bad time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Did you drop
your contact or something?

No, it's more serious
than that.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry, sorry.
- Yeah, yeah.

- We're having a moment.
- I like you guys, you're cool.

Bev! Beverly!

- Bev!
- Yeah?

Come on in here.
We're doing the Skype.

- Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie...
- Come here, she wants to see you.

- Sarah!
- We're getting married!

Wait a minute, what?

Hold on, shush!
What did you...? Hold on!

- That's amazing news, sweetheart.
- No, no, no, you didn't say...

No, I came home,
and he had this amazing dinner laid out,

- and he proposed.
- No! Listen... Listen to me.

- I'm so excited!
- Don't do it! The skateboard boy?

- Yes, yes, skateboard boy. Yes.
- Are you insane?

- Listen...
- Blake.

Forget what I said.

You absolutely need advice.

I know, Dad, Dad, Dad.

Your advice,
it was so helpful.

- Don't do it!
- It really just, you know,

sealed the deal for us.

- Come home!
- I know, I'm so happy!

- It's teriffic!
- No, she's not...

Hey-o!

Hi, how's it going?

Blake, Blake! Hi, honey.

Congratulations!
Congratulations, honey.

Well, I can't wait
to be a part of the family.

Listen, you...
I'm coming over!

- Okay.
- They're going to be a married couple in no time.

We'll put some champagne on ice.

Hm. I think that went
pretty well.

I do. Yeah.
I think it went really well.

Yeah!

What's up, boo?
What's up, boo?

What's up...?

Hey, what's up, sweetie?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Blake.
- Hm?

Blake, he's throwing
a fucking party out there.

I'm calling the cops.

Wait, wait. No, no, no.
Don't. Don't call the cops.

He's, like...
He's a nice guy. He's fine.

Well, are you gonna go out
there and deal with it then?

Yes. Yes, I am.

- I'm gonna go out there.
- Really?

- And I'm gonna shut it down.
- Great.

You go out there, shut it down.

I'm taking an Ambien,
and I'm going to sleep.

- I need to be up in four hours.
- Great. Great, great.

Hey, Randy.
What the hell are you doing?

- Oh, hey, Blake.
- You gotta shut this down, right now.

No, no, not 'til
you get a shish kabob.

Hey, Benny,
give him a shish kabob.

- Try one.
- I don't want a shish kabob.

- That's rude, dude.
- It's not rude. This is rude.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What is this, man?

Well, I gotta introduce you.
Everybody.

- No.
- Everybody listen up here, okay?

This is Blake.
This is his house.

And I just want
everybody to know,

He's our friend.
He's our friend.

He's our friend.
Dudes, say it.

He's our friend.
He's our friend. He's our friend.

All right, man.
Sarah's had enough, I've had enough.

You gotta go, man.
This is bad shit.

I've already given everyone
the three-minute warning.

- Right, you guys?
- Yeah!

I don't care...

Do you know where I can get
a straw for my coca?

No, I don't know where you
can get a straw...

Can you put a top on, please?

- What the...
- You little pussy bitch.

- Man, Blake!
- Pussy bitch? I'm respecting...

Girl, you better not
put no top on.

Man, Blake, why you acting
like a little bitch?

I'm not acting... I'm not...

- Don't laugh at that.
- Take the shot,

poured especially for you.

Have a good time.
Enjoy life, man.

- Come on! Let's go...
- Don't strike me!

Dude, you said you used to fucking
party a long time ago. Now's your time.

All right, if I do one shot will
you guys all just please leave?

Absolutely.
Absolutely, we're gone.

We're gone. Spatch, spatch.
Go, go, just drink it.

- Spatch, spatch, go, go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm with you. Maybe.

All right, all right,
here we go.

Really, for real, for real.

To Blake!

Whoa, look at the hairs...

- All right, Blake.
- Wait, wait. One more.

- Stop. No.
- One more, one more.

Yes, yes. One more,
one more, one more.

Blake, Blake, Blake...

- One more, one more.
- All right, two and that's it!

Get out of here.

- It's so bad.
- Whoo!

- Why is it so bad?
- It's so good!

I love pussy.

What's going on here?

Oh, there we go. Right there.

Hey. Hey. You the homeowner?

No, no, no, I live in the
guest house in the back.

- You throwing this party?
- No, no, no, I'm in the back.

I'm in the guest house.
I'm actually moving out soon.

- Guest house?
- Yeah.

I'm looking for a roommate
if you know anyone.

You know anyone off...?

You know, it's funny
you should say that,

'cause my uncle has this
building in the area, but...

Holy shit,
I gotta give you my number.

- What do you think?
- Ah...

Yo, let me get your beer.
A beer. Whiskey, beer.

- Oh, God, I wish I could.
- Oh, man.

I'm on duty.
I can't be drinking on duty.

Copy, copy. You...

You know, I have
to tell you something.

You police officers
are very much underappreciated.

I think you guys are fucking awesome.
I think you got a bad rap.

- Sweet hug? Come in.
- Well...

Come on.

No one ever hugs
police officers.

That's true.

Oh, this... That feels good.

- You're so stupid, get off me.
- Yeah.

- Stupid...
- That's fuckin'...

I knew we were supposed to be together.
We're a team, man.

What's your name?
Officer Ford.

- No.
- Officer Ford.

Officer Ford, stop that.

- Carl.
- Holy shit, first name basis.

- What your name?
- My name's Randy.

- Randy?
- Yeah, Randy Cockfield.

- Randy Cockfield?
- Yeah.

'Cause when I'm in the field
I give the girls my what?

- That... Come on.
- You can say it.

- No, I'm on duty.
- Come on, say it.

Cock.

- One more hug, one more hug!
- Ah, come on.

Yeah, that's great.

It's just not
cool, I mean, like,

it's fun and stuff.
I don't wanna leave.

You know,
I wanna stay back there.

I get it.
It's a nice neighborhood.

Yeah, and it's very comfortable,

so it's like
I don't wanna move out.

- You know what I mean?
- Hey, sir!

Whoa.

I need you to evacuate
the premises immediately.

This party
has been shut down.

Oh, this is, uh...
This is actually my house.

- Oh. Oh, this is your house?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Welcome to the neighborhood,
Mr. Renner.

Now the folks around here
consider underage drinking

and disturbing the peace...

Not cool.

- And?
- Illegal.

- Illegal!
- Unbelievable.

- Illegal, huh?
- Yeah.

- Illegal.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Goddamn, you smell good, too.

- Get him away from me.
- Why you smell so good?

- I shower regularly.
- 'Cause he's a little...

What kind of man
smells this good?

- I shower regularly.
- What kinda man smells this good?

Follow me on my social media
platforms, officer.

What is it?

Dispatch, I got
another asshole comin' in.

No way that call went in.
There's no way you talked...

Literally and figuratively,
I got an asshole coming in.

Please, pick up.

Come on.

Hope you have
a nice stay tonight.

Just let me know
if you need anything.

What?

Come with me, I'm gonna
show you to your room.

Okay.

He seems cool.
He'll be cool.

Oh, God!

Be sure to call the front desk
if you need anything.

Blake, what the hell
happened to our backyard?

I don't know where you are,
but you're not here.

I've got the girls coming over
to try on their dresses,

and you know what? I...
I don't know. I don't...

I don't know if I can go through
with this wedding anymore.

I even knocked
on Randy's fucking door.

What happened? What is this?

Somebody put dicks everywhere.

Some asshole turned our entire
property into a bag of dicks.

Blake...

Where are you?

I don't even
know where he is.

What if he's, like,
dead in ditch somewhere?

I don't know,
maybe he got scared and just left me.

I'd call that
a good fuckin' day.

There's a shit ton of dicks
in your backyard.

I'd say that's a bad omen.

There aren't that many dicks.

You can fix this.
It's not that bad.

Eh, it's a dick-splosion.

I don't know,
I always liked Blake.

He's like one of those good guys.
He'll be back.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm pushing him,

- and maybe this isn't...
- I'm just gonna call it how it is.

You need to toss that boy out
like a used tampon.

- Ew, what is wrong with you?
- Jesus, Taylor.

I'm serious. You can do
so much better than him.

- Blake is a fucking...
- Cocksucker, crusty, dumb motherfuck.

Blake?!

- I...
- Blake, are you okay?

I'm fine.

What do mean, fine?
What does fine mean?

- Where've you been?
- Get out here, you fucking piece of shit!

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- Warriors! Huh?
- You got me fucking arrested!

- No, you got you arrested.
- Arrested?

- Yes.
- I'll explain in a second.

If you think about it, Blake,
none of this shit is actually my fault.

What are you talking about, you fucking
psycho? You burned down my gazebo!

No. Look, you burned down
your gazebo. Okay? Right, dick face?

Blake, were you partying
with Randy last night?

- Yes, he was getting fucking wasted.
- No, no. Shut the fuck up.

- No, I was not. I was not.
- Really? Not shit.

- Fuckin' loser zero.
- He's lying.

- That's not true. I was not.
- Oh, really, it wasn't?

I can honestly say I wasn't
fucking partying with you. Yeah.

Oh, you're fucking done now,
dude. Look at that.

Huh?

- I am the god of cock fire!
- Who's that?

Who's that, Blake, Jesus Christ?
That's you.

Oh, my fucking God.

That's being shown
out of context.

How is it taken
out of context? Tell her.

It's not like that.
I... I got a little drunk.

Just stop, just stop,
just stop talking.

- Done. Done, done, done.
- I can't!

I can't do this.

It looks like you have a lot more to
worry about than me, motherfucker, huh?

Princess Sarah is pi-i-i-issed.

Which means you ain't gettin'
no pussy tonight.

Shut the fuck up, all right?!
We just wanted a house!

We went and looked
at 17 houses,

and we found this one,
and finally Sarah was happy,

and so was I,
and then fucking you!

Well, I guess...

You're not my friend, you're not my
friend, you're not my friend, dude.

Shut the fuck...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

You know
what underage drinking

and assault and battery
have in common, Renner?

They're both illegal.

- That's right!
- Illegal!

- Hey! Are you okay?
- Oh, my God.

- No.
- I can't believe you hit Randy.

I... He drugged me.

You know, what?
Apologize to Randy.

- Yeah.
- Apologize!

- I will not apologize.
- Tell him to kiss me.

Yeah, kiss Randy.

Go ahead, go ahead!
Go ahead!

- What the fuck?! You're gonna kiss him?
- I don't know!

- You're a piece of shit, man!
- He was gonna kiss me. You're a piece of shit!

I can't believe this,
I'm back here again

- with you trust fund kids.
- I'm not a trust fund kid.

Yeah, like you can
afford this.

Just sit there
and shut the fuck up.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Randy.

- My head hurts.
- Did he hit you good?

Yeah, he punched me
under there,

and I was on my dating app,
Chubby Chasers.

I was looking for some babes,
and this fucking...

- I'm on Chubby Chasers.
- No, really?

- I love big bitches, man!
- Oh, my God!

- Have you... Have you met anybody?
- Can we go?

- Hey! Hey!
- Yeah, yeah...

Hey, I'm the captain now.

We should watch that.
Movie night.

- All right, Randy.
- Thank you, officer.

- This is war.
- Carl, take care.

Shut your fucking face.

- Okay?
- Right. Great. Yeah.

Just sit back and shut up.

I know your type!
I fucking hate you!

Dammit. I gotta take
this motherfuckin'...

You're lucky
I didn't get this out.

- Yeah.
- Beat your ass with this.

Well, here's your belongings.

I need you to sign...
right here.

- When can we expect to see you again?
- Never again.

Fantastic.

We'll keep
the same room for ya.

I'll get you a good roommate.

Really nice.

Okay, all right. Terrific.

Look, I'm really sorry
about all this dumb shit.

Lying to you,
partying, Randy.

Look, Blake,
it's not about Randy.

It's about you and your behavior.
This really has gotta stop.

Well, well, well.

We meet again, Mr. Renner.

Look, I'm just getting out
right now.

- Good to see you again.
- If you'll just let us go.

I'm actually here to serve you
with a restraining order

on behalf of one
Mr. Randy Cockfield.

That's gotta be a mistake.
I mean, it's-it's our house.

We-we paid for it.
We don't even have a lease with him on it.

Ma'am, I understand that,

but this is about
Mr. Renner's assault,

his temper, his anger issues.

I am... This has to be a joke.

There's no joke here, okay.

You are no longer allowed

to be within 100 feet
of Mr. Cockfield.

You may not contact him verbally
or by the internet.

I mean, is there anything
we can do?

You can contact the city,

but the laws for tenants
are pretty strict.

He's not a tenant!
He's a squatter!

How am I supposed to keep 100 feet
away from him in my own house?

Good luck, bye.

Good bye.

- Sergeant.
- Good bye.

- Why is everyone here like this?
- Don't, don't, don't.

You're fucked.

It is so on, you bitch!

Mm... Blake, I thought you were my
friend, but I guess not.

What did you say?

I said you...
have skinny bony bitches.

That's it.
That's all from me.

I just want to stand
and stare tonight.

- Go back inside you little...
- I interrupted the whole flow.

I can't believe I let you
come here and suck my dick pipe.

That dick pipe is a gross exaggeration
of what you're working with, my man.

Yeah, what the fuck ever,
you little WASPy bitch.

You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side.

Warriors, come out and play.

They're all my side.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Go back to Marin County.

No. I'm kicking him out. This is
war.

Don't start this.
I can't handle the stress.

What, and let him walk
all over us? No fuckin' way!

I'm serious,
I don't like this side of you.

Well,
you haven't seen anything yet.

- Thank you very much.
- What are you doing?

Dance with me, dude!

Dance with me, dude!
You're my friend, dude.

Benny, dude!
Dance with me, dude!

- Randy.
- What?

- I think I'm gonna go, dude.
- No, no, no, just stay. Stay.

Yo, can I put
my clothes back on?

No, no, no.
Keep your clothes off.

Just... and read the book.

This book's in Latin, bro.
I can't read Latin.

- Are you happy?
- No. No.

Oh, shit.

- What the fuck happened?
- He'll be gone in a few days.

What's he gonna do
without power?

- Why did the power go off?
- I don't like this.

Come on. What?

No one says I have to pay
for his electricity.

He's fucked.

What the fuck is that?

It sounds like
a helicopter's out there.

Cutting off the power's
amateur hour, huh?

I fucking hate this guy.

I'm too powerful for you, bro.

Too motherfucking strong.

Look at that shit.

This is my side,
that's your side.

You stay over there,
little pussy.

Who's got some beer, huh?

Hey, Benny! Randy can wobble,
but he can't what?

- He can't fall down!
- That's fantastic, bro.

- Yeah.
- Hey, can I leave?

No, no, no, no.
No, no, dude!

What the fuck, bro?

Arr...

Looks like all we got left is the
interview, and then the launch party,

and we should be...
We should be squared away.

- Are you okay, Blakey?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.

- You sweating like a fuckin' pig, homes.
- Mm...

Did you jog to work today,
or something?

No. Regular day.

Holy shit!

That's hot.

Someone's looking all
hot and bothered.

Hello.

Oh... Oh, hi. Hi, ma'am.
I have your package.

- You got a package for me?
- Yes.

It's a package. That's my job.

You don't wanna
deliver your package?

Oh, my God! This is...
Is this really happening?

Wait, is this really happening?
This is really happening!

Yay!

Yay! Yay!

What do I do?
What do I do?

- Yeah.
- There we go.

I think this...
Can we do it this way?

Does this work?

That feels good.

That's good for my back.

All right, that's good.
I gotta go back to work.

- Yeah!
- To deliver some packages.

Please, get the fuck off me!

I have a job!
Ma'am, I have a job.

Yeah, you do.

Here's fun Blake I know.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God,
what is this material?

It's like rayon, or some
poly cotton or something?

It's amazing.
I wish the whole world was this fabric.

Wait, are you on Molly
or something?

Molly? No, no, no. I would never
even be able to get my...

Oh, my God.

- I'm so... No, this is bad.
- Wait, what?

I... This is great.
You're great,

you're so great,
but I have to go.

- I'm on drugs.
- Blake.

No, no, I'm on drugs.
I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

- Hello?
- Sarah, we've been drugged.

- What?
- I think that asshole...

Never mind, just don't go out of
the house and don't drink the water.

Just go to the bedroom,
I'll be right there.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

- What's the matter?
- You gotta... You gotta... You gotta go.

- Is that family?
- You gotta go. No, you gotta go.

- Is there a family problem?
- Uh-uh, you gotta go.

- No, no... I don't...
- You gotta go, come on.

- No, I don't wanna go.
- You gotta go.

- I don't wanna go!
- You gotta go.

Oh, my God!

Yes!

- Blake... Blake?
- Hm?

- What the actual fuck?
- Whoa. I'm late for work.

I'm late for work.

- Hi.
- Sorry.

We just moved in.

Whoa! Hey, hi.
I was just checking over...

- Blake, you got a minute?
- Yeah, yeah.

I gotta...
Yeah, yeah, I got a minute.

We've known each other
a while, right?

You consider us friends?

Yeah. Yeah, you and me,
we're friends.

- And friends can be honest with each other?
- Yeah.

- Honesty is the bedrock...
- Can I tell you something honestly?

- Yeah, please.
- You are fucking fired.

What happened?

That walking foreskin
got me fired.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Do not hit him again.

I'm not gonna hit him.
I'm not even gonna touch him.

I'm just gonna lightly,
lightly pummel him until he's dead.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Listen to me. Listen to me, okay?

It's not worth it.
We talked about this.

You were gonna
leave your job anyways,

so, you know, I can float us
until you find something else.

- That's not the point.
- It's not worth it. Let it go.

We'll get through this, okay?

The wedding party's coming
tomorrow night for dinner,

and I do not need this crazy
on top of all the other crazy.

I cannot let him
get away with this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, just listen to me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath in.

Let it go, just relax, babe.

He's not worth it.
He's not worth it, okay?

What if, um...

What if we go take a really
nice deep bath, and soak,

and I'll get some Epsom salts,
and we can just talk it out. Yeah?

Okay. That'd be great.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Mm-hmm. That'd be really great.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

No job is actually an advantage.

It means you have
all the time in the world.

Well, now...

me too, motherfucker.

You motherfucker!

Hey, Randy!

Buddy! Oh, my God,
I totally forgot to tell you!

They're bug-bombing
the house today.

Randy has fallen,
and he can't get up.

Yeah, man, shit's just, uh,
been so crazy with the wedding.

I totally forgot
you were in there.

You're an asshole.

You should know they're using
very heavy duty chemicals.

Apparently, all your bodily
functions will go off at once.

Huh? Oh, no.

Oh! Oh, no.

I dookied!

Just repeat after me:

- It's not gay.
- It's not gay.

It's not gay!

Again, even more.

- It's not gay.
- It's okay, Randy, it's okay.

It's a trust exercise.

Just close your eyes
and trust me, dude.

Piece of shit.
I'm gonna get you, Renner.

Blake, why is there a meth lab
in our backyard?

I'm going in there
to get all that pack rat's shit,

and I'm gonna move it, so that he
has to take his rathole elsewhere.

Oh.

Now, we can have
the rehearsal dinner back here.

I'll fix up the gazebo,
and we can have the wedding back here!

All while that fucker's
not around to mess with us!

Oh!

I'm gonna have my gravy.

- I love you!
- I love you, too!

I honestly love you so much.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Now's the time.

Um... so before
we dig into dessert, um,

we just wanted to say a big thank
you to our amazing wedding party.

- All you guys.
- All your love and support.

Um, the last couple weeks have been a
bit of a journey getting here, but...

It's been a little rocky,
but it's been good.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Um...

But tonight is really just about
celebrating and making memories

and, um, spreading love.

- Aww.
- Cheers.

- Cheers, you guys. Thank you so much.
- Cheers.

Enjoy the cake.

- Mm...
- Weddings are the worst.

I'm sure your wedding's
gonna be fine, but...

I hate weddings.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna go to yours, Renner, but...

- It'll be all right.
- I appreciate that.

I appreciate...
Mainly, it's her dad, uh...

What's the word? He hates me.
He hates me a ton.

Okay, Blake's exaggerating.
He doesn't hate you, he just...

He's... not too sure about you.

Oh, come on. Who could hate
those sad goat eyes?

Sarah's dad isn't so bad.

Loved me, right Sarah?

Kip, he-he-he did.

Yeah, he really loves you a ton.

Good old
Douglas, man.

He's crazy.
I love that dude.

Remember when he took us
to the beach house?

Oh, the beach house!
Dude, that was so dope!

Oh, man.

That sounds awesome.
That sounds really awesome.

- Beach house.
- Absolutely.

I've seen pictures,
but I've never been.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

The very second he met me,

he called me Kip,
then he said, "Nevermind."

And then he said, "I hate you."

Here we motherfuckin' go.

Fuckin' flakka possum.

Well, that's the last
of the shots.

With any luck,
you guys will all be fine.

Except him.
He's not going anywhere.

Ah, man, that's bullshit.

Mm, it is.

You know, you did the right thing
coming in as fast as you did.

Rabies is not something
to be taken lightly.

- Mm-hmm.
- May I ask you a fairly serious question?

- Of course.
- What the fuck was that thing?

- Goddamn, you guys got fucked up.
- I'm sorry, wait.

Did you say we have
a decent chance of being okay?

- It's not... it's not a good chance?
- The medicine usually works.

What do you mean, usually?

What-what if the medicine
doesn't-doesn't work?

Well, then you're fucked...
basically.

Fucking flakka possum.

Everybody else
got the rabies shots already.

Do you think we should tell them
that it may not work?

Maybe keep it from them
for a little bit.

- Um...
- Oh.

Mr. Renner, um, what exactly
did this to your guests?

Nothing. I have no idea.

It could've been
absolutely anything.

Yeah. Mr. Renner,

I'd advise you not to take
the law into your own hands.

Of course not. Because that
would be illegal.

Very illegal.

Okay, Bonnie and Clyde,
you have a good evening.

Will do. Thank you so much
for stopping by.

- It's so good to see you know.
- Oh, I hate you both.

I think we gotta
postpone the wedding.

No, what? No, no, no, no.

He knows that he went too far
with all of this shit.

Now he'll lie low,
he'll be too scared to do anything.

The wedding is still on.

- I mean...
- The wedding is still on.

It's... it's a 100 percent on.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I think he's gonna die.
- I know.

Daddy....

I will give you $100,000
if we turn around right now.

- We already talked about this.
- All right.

Hi.

Hi. Good to see you.

Dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today

in the presence of God,

to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.

To bind their hearts as one
for ever and ever...

And ever. Ever...

- Do you have a mint?
- To find their love...

- What's that, sir?
- A mint. Do you have...

You don't have
to call me "sir."

- Love is kind...
- I can't get you...

I wish you were
calling me "Dad."

Walk away.

Walk away right now.
End this shit, it's...

End this fucking madness.
You don't need this.

- Just end this.
- Dude, seriously?

- Blake!
- Jeez!

- Do you take Sariah...?
- Sarah.

- It's Sarah.
- Whatever.

- Mm-hmm.
- As your life... wife?

Yes. I do.

- Do you take... Blame?
- Blake.

- Yeah.
- It's Blake.

Do you take this guy
to be your husband?

Yes, I do.

And now by the power
invested in this state,

and this country,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.
Or whatever.

Good luck.

May God have mercy
on your souls!

Well, man,
you finally did it.

- I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.

Took one for the team.

Your life is completely over.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you so much.

Listen, if there was ever a chance that
you're going to get anal, my friend,

it's tonight.

- We'll see, yeah.
- What's up, Mr. M?

How's it going?
Looking good, buddy.

- Jason Statham good.
- Stop talking.

Get out of my air space.

- Let's go.
- Unreal.

- Blake.
- Mr. Masters.

Or I guess I should say Dad.

How... you have surprised me.

And those who have tried
will tell you

it is not an easy thing
to surprise me.

J-Jesus!

Angela, you should know better
than to ever sneak up!

Never sneak up on a man,
me especially.

- Whoo...
- She's a wonderful woman.

I knew her since...
She was...

She's always been that tall,
and she makes great honey baked ham.

Blake... Oh, God.

Here's the deal,
no one's done it.

You brought my daughter
to the altar.

Yeah. Look, I want you to know,
Sarah is my whole world.

- Uh-huh.
- All right.

I... I know
she's too good for me.

I do. No, I really do.

But her happiness

is the most important thing
in the world to me.

Well, that's one thing
we have in common.

Daddy.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Um... Blake, we just, uh...

We need you for some photos.

I'll be there in a sec.

Mr. D.

Kip! Kip!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Would you join me, please,
in raising a glass

to my lovely daughter
and her new lovely husband.

- Sweet...
- Aww...

Sweetpea, my heart.

I wish you the...
the kind of passion

that your mother and I have
shared for the last 35 years.

Stop...

Not a day goes by that I do
not look across the room and...

And wonder how...
How am I so lucky?

Things I've done.

I tell you, though
it sounds fun.

Waterboarding?
Not a water sport.

But this lady...
makes everything okay.

'Cause she's so beautiful.

So classy.

So attentive.

And so hungry...

What are you do...
Bev, what are you...?

Raise your glass!

Your tux is fantastic.

Hey, Douglass,
what's Bev been drinkin'?

- I'll have a double.
- Oh!

I'll pour it for you a little bit later.

- You wanna... You wanna go lie down?
- He's cute.

- You okay?
- I wanna suck your cock.

Everybody, I wanna suck
his cock!

Raise your glasses, everyone.

- That's...
- To sucking cock!

What the actual fuck?

I think your Mom's on Molly.
That's what the actual fuck.

This is really nice.
What is this?

What the hell's wrong with you?

- It's soft.
- Stop, stop.

- Ooh!
- Get out of here.

Blake, all of our guests
are acting really weird.

Yeah, right there.

Ah, no, they're just drunk.
It's a wedding.

No, no, this is beyond drunk.

Cousin Jimmy, what the fuck?!

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Oh, my God!

Whoo!

Best wedding ever.

Have you seen my friend?

I am so happy
you're not my dad.

What the fuck is going on?!

They're out of control!

The house is ruined,
the wedding's ruined.

He's here.
I know he's here somewhere.

This has Randy
written all over it.

Oh... fuck.
Oh, shit.

Oopsies!

Oh, man. Holy shit.

What the fuck?

What the fuck
did you do, Randy?

I gave your party
the whole box, brother.

I gave 'em the whole
motherfucking box!

- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Oh, shit.

I am so sorry.

It's all right.

It'll be fine.

It's all over now.

Nearly over.

All right, look out.

Christ...

Man...

If that shit
was on pay-per-view,

we'd be fucking millionaires
right now, for real...

Shut the fuck up!
You never shut the fuck up!

I was trying
to be your friend.

Okay, I was being nice to you,
and being generous.

- And you were miserable.
- Oh, my God! Of course I was miserable!

All right? That's what growing up is.
You're just... you're miserable.

And you look for someone you can
try to enjoy the misery with.

And that's what Sarah is.
Okay?

And then I fucked it
all up for no reason.

For you! For fucking around with you!
It's insane!

Yeah, well,
the Sarah thing will pass, okay.

I'm more concerned about us
and our relationship, okay.

So what we need to do as a...
as a team, bro, as a team...

Do not fucking touch me!

- We need to move forward.
- Don't touch me!

- We should move forward...
- There is no moving forward!

- And not look in the rearview...
- There's not a rearview mirror!

- Yes, there is.
- There's not a fucking rearview mirror!

- What do you mean?
- You're a fucking loser!

- You're a loser, dude.
- What the fuck, dude.

You're 50 years old and you
live in a fucking guest house.

- Whatever. Dude...
- You are fucking delusional, man.

Everything around you
turns to shit.

Mr. Renner. Visitor.

Ma'am.

Hey. Are you okay?

Just stop, I...
I came to pay your bail.

- Okay.
- What about my bail? Please.

No, I'm not paying
your fucking bail.

I-I came to pay your bail, I paid
your bail, and that's... that's it.

- Wh-What do you mean?
- I mean... I mean, that's it.

You and me, I...
We're done.

I can't do this.

Sarah, listen...

- That's... No, no.
- How many more signs do we need?

If it wasn't this,
it'd be something

- in one, two, five years from now.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen to me.
I... That's not...

Look, I am listening.
I'm finally listening to you.

But... don't you love me?

Love isn't the issue here.

Yes, it is.
It's the only issue.

Blake, I can't. Just, please...
Just don't make this any worse.

Yeah.

- Wait, just give me another chance.
- I'm pregnant.

Okay, that's fine.
That's great!

I mean, now the plan
is you get me out of here...

No. No, the plan is I'm going
to stay at my parents' house,

and do not come
and try to see me,

because my dad said
he's gonna kill you

and... I really think
he means it this time.

I gotta... I gotta go.

- Wow!
- Wow.

She's pregnant, man.
That's... that's amazing.

Shut the fuck up.

- I-I just...
- Shut the...

You have to shut the fuck up.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

- Sad.
- Okay.

Sarge!

Ah! Get in here.

- This is him.
- What's up? What's up?

- This is Cockfield!
- This is the guy you told me about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi.

Hi, my name is Randy.
Randy, Officer...

No, call me Jeremy.

Oh! Hey.

- You told him about me.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.
He is so cute.

I don't wanna do this on my own.

You are not on your own.

- Hello.
- Hey, Blake.

It's Edna
from Hindpoken Realty.

- Hello, Edna.
- I just need to go over a few things in person

before we put the house
back on the market.

Can you meet me at the house
Saturday at noon?

Great. Thanks, Edna.

- I'll see you Saturday.
- Okay, see you then.

Jesus...

- Blake?
- Hi, Sarah.

You.... you look amazing.

- I... Blake, I wasn't expecting...
- No, I wasn't either.

Edna called me and said
I should stop by today.

Yeah, me too.

The house looks amazing.
You've been busy.

No, no. I didn't...
I didn't do any of this.

What?

- Who did?
- Truce, truce.

- Peace, peace. Truce, truce.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, look, look,
just give me five minutes of your time,

just five minutes
and I'll be gone.

You'll never see my face
again, I promise, please.

I'll give you 30 seconds,
you fucking asshole.

Look, it's really
important to me

that a family
lives in this house.

Not me, not anyone else,
but a family.

And I want it to be
your family,

so, you guys,
please, just...

just don't put the house
on the market just yet, please.

You did this? How?

I sold Napoleon's hat.

- A... a Napoleon hat paid for all this?
- No.

Not a Napoleon's hat.

Fuckin' Napoleon's hat, dude.

- I don't understand.
- No...

That stuff in the cardboard
boxes in the back. Okay?

That was my dad's stuff.
It was my inheritance.

I found it was
worth millions.

Dude, I'm a fuckin'
millionaire on top of it.

Slum dude millionaire, bro.
That's fuckin' weird.

- Congrats.
- I'm a fuckin millionaire.

That's awesome.

- Yeah, that's really cool.
- That's great.

Listen, and there's just,
uh... man.

There's just one more thing
that I got to tell you guys

that I... I've been keeping from
you guys for quite some time.

What is it?

The main reason why I didn't
want to get rid of this house

and let it go,
is 'cause this...

this is my family's house.

My childhood home,
I actually grew up here my whole life.

When my parents both died
they left it to me,

so I just moved into
the guest house and...

I had no other plan
but to stall the sale.

So when you guys
came around, I just...

- I fuckin' freaked out, man.
- Yeah. Yeah, you really did.

I'm ready to let it go, okay,
and just give you guys my house.

To start a family.
Here, your family.

For reals.

You're my friend, dudes.
You guys are my friend, dudes. Please.

And I have one other thing
that I want to show you guys.

Just one other thing.

- Is it gonna be gross?
- No, come here.

Oh, God.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Th... I don't even know
what to say.

Well, this is it, guys.

This is where you're gonna
start your new life.

In Randy Cockfield's
childhood home.

- Uh...
- I...

And, Blake,

when you bring Sarah
into the field,

what are you gonna do with her?

- What are you gonna do with her, man?
- Don't.

Come on, say it.

- Don't spoil it.
- Say it.

- Give you his cock!
- That's right, yeah.

Is this beautiful or what, guys?
I mean, come on.

- Don't worry about it.
- Thanks, man.

Sarah.

All right, too long
on the hug. Too long.

Okay. Thank you. Thank...
No, no, no.

- No.
- Okay.

Great.

And just
like that, he's gone.

A little dinosaur.
Like a little dinosaur.

Do you wanna be a dinosaur?

Hey. Got an email from Randy.

He signed it
"Admiral Cockfield,"

which I actually think
works more than Randy.

I wonder where he is.

Do I... Wait,
do I wanna know?

Well, he sent a link.
Do you wanna watch it?

- Uh-uh.
- Fuck it. I'm clicking it.

Cover him up.

Yo, what's up Blake and Sarah?

Wanted to let you know
that I'm livin' my life.

It's Randy Cockfield.
I miss you guys.

I bought a boat.

I'm sailin'
the Seven Seas, dudes.

Illegal, Renner.
Illegal.

- Hey.
- You're missing out, Blakey.

Mm, I like...

And look who else is here,
it's our fuzzy buddy.

Oh, he misses you, dude.

I'm gonna come visit you guys
in a couple weeks,

so just have the guest house
ready for me.

Fuck that shit.

- No, he's not coming here.
- No, he's not.