Grunt! The Wrestling Movie (1985) - full transcript

[ Wind gusting ]

[ Gusting continues ]

[ Thunder crashes, cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: "Skull Crusher" Johnson,

the current titleholder, gouges

at the eyes of the challenger,

"Mad Dog" Joe De Curso.

Slams a forearm to the throat.

And tosses him over the top rope.

He's going after him.

Fans are scattering.



Skull Crusher drives him into a row of chairs here at ringside.

At stake is a $25,000 winner-take-all purse

and the world's heavyweight wrestling championship belt.

Oh, no! Skull Crusher crashes a chair onto Mad Dog's head,

sending him crawling to the floor like sawdust to the mill.

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Skull Crusher drags the challenger back into the ring,

and he suplexes his massive frame over the top rope.

And a flying elbow to the windpipe.

Another flying elbow, even more vicious.

-Skull Crusher goes for the pin. -MAN: Get up, Mad Dog!

ANNOUNCER: But Mad Dog throws off

the body-pressing Masked Man.

Skull Crusher goes right back at him,



grabbing Mad Dog's arm

and whipping him into the turnbuckle.

He hits him with a knee to the solar plexus.

And again.

Come on! Hit him! Hit him!

ANNOUNCER: Mad Dog is about to feel the wrath of Skull Crusher.

But no, no. Mad Dog regains his wits.

Does a quick reversal.

And flips the startled Skull Crusher to the floor!

What an evening this is.

Outside, winds are savagely howling.

Thunder and lightning lurk in the not-far-away distance.

All this unseasonal merriment setting the tone

for the first-ever meeting between these two giants

-of the wrestling world. -[ Thud ]

The champion's playing dirty now.

He's wishboning Mad Dog against the ring post.

And Sweet Lola, Mad Dog's fiery manager of the past two years,

doesn't like it one bit.

Mad Dog is surely paying the price of being a man.

In some circles, that's known as the old walnut cracker.

That good enough for you, Lola?

And here's the final blow.

But he missed!

Mad Dog shakes off his agony.

That man has heart.

Blow after blow from Mad Dog. He won't stop.

He's making mincemeat out of Skull Crusher.

Now the headlock.

He burns the eyes of the Masked Man across the ropes

and into the turnbuckle. The tide has turned.

The fans can feel the electricity in the air.

And I don't mean that storm raging outside,

ladies and gentlemen.

And now Mad Dog's clawing at that mask.

He wants it removed once and for all.

He can smell victory.

But, wait. Skull Crusher's manager,

J.J.J., jumped into the ring.

He's beating the champion on the coconut.

And here comes Lola.

This is insanity.

Ladies and gentlemen, no one has ceded.

Lola's pumped up, and she's working on J.J.J.'s head.

And the ref doesn't know what's up or down.

Mad Dog is caught. He's caught between the ropes.

Skull Crusher ricochets from rope to rope now

and launches a flying tackle at Mad Dog.

But Mad Dog was playing possum.

Skull Crusher is caught in the hangman,

and I mean caught.

His neck is completely entwined in the ropes.

But Mad Dog won't quit.

The challenger bounces from rope to rope.

Skull Crusher is completely helpless.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening!

This is terrible.

This is the worst catastrophe in the history

of professional wrestling.

REPORTER: Commissioner. Commissioner!

Commissioner! Have you made a decision yet?

Does a guy that loses his head lose his title?

We still have not made a decision yet.

We're cautious of setting a precedent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it has been a long day.

-REPORTER #2: Mr. Commissioner! -REPORTER #3: J.J.J.

You're the champ, Skull Crusher Johnson's, manager.

What do you think about the possibility

-that he may lose his title? -Look...

with all due regard to the commissioner,

it is my opinion and the opinion of the fans

that Skull Crusher Johnson is still...the...champion.

Skull Crusher Johnson has come back from worse.

Far worse than this. You can believe that.

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

NARRATOR: Mad Dog Joe De Curso was disqualified

for the brutal decapitation of the champion,

Skull Crusher Johnson,

but is Skull Crusher Johnson still the champion?

Can a man lose his head and still retain the championship?

REFEREE: All I ask for is a head on my beer,

not a head in my lap.

NARRATOR: How do you feel about what just happened?

-Horrified. -Shocked.

-Horrified. -Shocked.

Narrator: Three months ago, you were horrified.

How do you feel now?

-Shocked. -Horrified.

-Shocked. -Horrified.

I got the blood out.

I couldn't get the chalk, though.

This is my good shirt, too.

Wrestling great Mad Dog Joe De Curso

was acquitted today of manslaughter charges

resulting from the accidental decapitation of his opponent,

Skull Crusher Johnson, some four months ago

in a championship bout at the Olympic Auditorium.

Then, in a bizarre turn of events, Mad Dog went berserk,

body-slamming the judge, a bailiff, and the entire jury.

He's now serving 90 days in the county jail.

NARRATOR: After being released from jail,

Mad Dog Joe De Curso sank into a deep depression.

A depression so deep and binding

that all attempts to draw him out failed.

Mad Dog Joe was last spotted standing in a breadline

at the Mission Mission in San Francisco --

out of work, out of worth.

Dejected and humiliated, he reportedly ended it all

by leaping to his death from the Oakland Bay Bridge in 1979.

-REPORTER: What's the decision? -REPORTER #2: People have

a right to be informed about this situation!

You don't seem to be doing your job as commissioner.

REPORTER #3: Have you reached a decision?

Yes.

After long and careful deliberation,

we have reached a decision

concerning the championship title.

It has been brought to our attention

that Skull Crusher Johnson has not defended his title

in the six years since his decapitation.

We are declaring the title vacant.

-[ Indistinct shouting ] -We will select

from our rating system the top 10 contenders,

who will meet in a battle-royale elimination match

to determine the new and rightful heir

to the professional wrestling crown.

Commissioner, what about the championship belt?

If I remember correctly, it was buried with the Skull Crusher.

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Uh, w-we'll get back to you with a decision

on that as soon as we can.

Uh, thank you, gentlemen. That's all.

WOMAN: Thanks, boys. That will be all.

NARRATOR: Wrestler, folk hero --

Mad Dog Joe De Curso.

Unusual. Mysterious.

The baddest of the bad.

LESLIE: Or was he?

Hi. I'm Leslie Uggams.

No, not the Leslie Uggams.

I'm a director.

But my passion has always been for wrestling.

Ever since when I was a young child

and walked into my parents' bedroom,

and my father said to me, "Get out of here.

We're wrestling," frankly, I've been fascinated by it.

But since I'm clumsy and bruise easily,

I found I couldn't wrestle.

But I could direct.

And now I've had the opportunity to combine

my passion for wrestling

and my love of filmmaking to make this documentary.

What you have just witnessed is a chronicle of events

after the accidental decapitation six years ago

in the ring by Mad Dog Joe Curso.

MAN: De Curso.

-What? -De Curso.

His name was Mad Dog Joe De Curso.

LESLIE: Thank you.

De Curso.

Mad Dog Joe De Curso.

A man. A legend. An enigma.

There are many people, very many people,

who believe that Mad Dog Joe De Curso

didn't commit suicide by jumping off of that bridge.

By jumping off of any bridge.

They believe that he has returned as The Mask --

a good-guy wrestler, an idol of children,

a kisser of dogs.

After touring Japan and England,

The Mask is on his way to the United States.

Is it possible that Mad Dog Joe De Curso,

the baddest of the bad, has now become the goodest of the good?

That's what we're here to find out --

the truth.

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ Captain Carnage ♪

♪ Dr. Tweed ♪

♪ The Mask, Miss Linda, and Adrian Street ♪

♪ The Human Bomb Shelter ♪

♪ Jake "The Snake" ♪

♪ Ask Mad Dog De Curso if it's real or fake ♪

♪ "Golden Greek" Tolos ♪

♪ The Giant Goon ♪

♪ Dick Kopf, El Toro ♪

♪ The Grunt Brothers, too ♪

♪ The Wild Samoans got something crazy going ♪

♪ They're gonna be going after you, you, you ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life ♪

We're on our way to meet The Mask,

who is inside his dressing room right now

preparing for an upcoming match.

Aaaaahhhh!

If I'm supposed to be a warrior, why don't I have a headdress?!

Uhh! Raaahhh!

Or a shrunken head?!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Or even teeth?! Uhh!

Uh! Uh! How can I be me?!

What the hell do you mean, how can you be you?

You're you, aren't you? You think you're you?

-Yes, I'm me. -You think you're you?

-Yes, I'm me. -Tell me. I don't hear you.

-Yes, I'm me! -Are you you?

-I'm me! -Are you you?

Right directly behind me

is the dressing room of The Mask.

Let's go inside and meet the man behind the mask.

[ Speaking French ]

What are you doing here?!

Who told you you could come back here?

[ Speaking French ]

No cameras! Absolutely no cameras until the show.

Now get out of here!

Go on. [ Speaks French ]

Get out of here before I burst you!

Beat it!

LESLIE: Hello. Mr. Mask?

Mr. Mask, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions

about yourself, Mr. Mask.

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Can -- Will you just talk to me?!

-Aah! -[ Glass shatters ]

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life, life, life, life ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

Watch -- Watch the camera!

MAN: Rock 'n' roll!

DR. TWEED: Get him, Mask!

Take him out, Mask!

For $24 a year, you get a membership

into the "Mad Dog Is Mask" fan club.

And for an extra $12.95,

you get one of these handmade very nice barking Mad Dog guns.

-[ Toy squeaks ] -[ Laughs ]

Come on! Come on, Mask.

Take the bum out!

Take him out!

And I, being the founder and president,

will very soon hold a national meeting in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I tell you, Mask is Mad Dog,

or Mad Dog is Mask.

It doesn't matter how you say it.

It all comes out the same.

Get him, Mask!

Allez! Go!

Look, both guys have the same wrestling style.

See? The Manta Ray.

The Eastern Panther.

The Humility Pose.

Get him, Mask!

Snap that vertebrae.

-Aah! -DR. TWEED: He's dead! Aah!

The Victory Pose!

Mask, pick the little bunny up. That's it!

What did I tell you, huh?

LESLIE: Dr. Tweed, the head of the "Mask Is Mad Dog" fan club

agreed to take off time from his very busy schedule

to meet with us and let us in on the details and intricacies

of why he feels Mad Dog Joe is The Mask.

[ Tires screech ]

DR. TWEED: Oh, uh, hey, kids. Hey, wait a minute there.

Uh, we're trying to make a movie here, alright?

No, no. Maybe you didn't hear me.

I said, "We're trying to make a movie here."

It's very important, okay?

Now go on! Beat it! Now go on.

Get out of here! Beat it, alright?

Leslie, do you want me to come in again or what?

Charlie! Charlie Stroll!

-[ Laughs ] -Hey. Hey, Dr. Tweed.

-How are you? -Come here.

Charlie used to be my vice president

of the Mad Dog Joe fan club.

I invited him here. Listen, Leslie.

Charlie runs this men's store on Van Nuys Boulevard.

Oh, very exclusive.

LESLIE: Oh, yeah? Where on Van Nuys?

On the corner.

-LESLIE: Which corner? -Depends.

This guy knew Mad Dog Joe since they were kids.

Oh, they both had the same foster parents.

They went to different schools together. Everything.

This is a very knowledgeable guy.

Talk to him, Leslie.

Talk to him.

Gee, I don't know that much, really.

DR. TWEED: So, Joe's mother tells this bad fortune

to this rich guy, and he is not very happy about it.

You know, it comes true, so [Imitates blade slicing ]

You know what I mean?

Well, a few years after that, a few years later,

Joe and his daddy immigrate from Italy to the U.S. of A.

And that's where Joe's dad made his living fighting cocks.

Here.

I got a photo of him right here.

See? That's him.

So, the Mob rubs out Joe's father

for fixing cockfights. [ Laughs ]

He's feeding amphetamines to his chickens.

Like they ain't never fixed nothing themselves?

So, you both think

-Joe is The Mask. -TOGETHER: Yeah.

-You betcha. -You bet.

Lookit, Joe had that --

that love of the sport,

the animal ferocity

that went right for the heart.

Those same qualities are in The Mask, right?

Joe was famous worldwide

for the John Tolos punch into the Sleeper.

-CHARLIE: Yeah. -What's The Mask famous for?

The John Tolos punch into the Sleeper.

Mad Dog is The Mask.

-The Mask is Mad Dog. -Mask is Mad Dog.

If that's so, how do you explain the fact

that The Mask and Joe had identical chest tattoos?

Joe had tattoos on his arm, and The Mask doesn't.

DR. TWEED: Joe had tattoos on his arm.

The Mask has scars on his arm.

He could have had them removed.

PLASTIC SURGEON: There are three or four basic treatments

used for tattoo removal --

cryotherapy, where we freeze the dyed tissue

and hope that, when replacement skin grows back,

the tattoo doesn't come back with it;

the Variot method of chemical removal,

where we rub tannic acid into the tattooed area,

and then, using silver nitrate sticks,

we burn away the upper epidermal layers.

-LESLIE: Is there scarring? -Yes.

There's always scarring.

There's also skin graft surgery and laser surgery,

but these are outrageously expensive and painful.

Tattoos may be cheap to get, but they're no bargain

to have removed.

Some of the Eastern Bloc countries

are experimenting with entire arm transplants

for tattoo removal.

Arm transplants?

Is that what it sounds like it means?

Precisely.

The entire arm is removed,

and a donor arm is sewn in place.

LESLIE: Are there any complications?

Yes, but relatively minor --

changes in sleeve length,

ring size, fingerprint configuration,

arm hair, things like that,

but, hey, no scarring.

Ace, you've got to be more aggressive.

This is Lola's gym.

She has a team of girls she wrestles --

Killer Tomato and Ace. Regular foxes.

Been doing it ever since Joe disappeared.

Come on in and talk to her.

LOLA: Okay?

WOMAN: Make your move.

-Get her by the hair, Tomato. -Aah! Aah!

LOLA: What are you people doing here?

LESLIE: Uh, please, Lola. We'd like to ask you

a couple of questions about Joe.

-Get out of here. -LESLIE: We're not reporters.

We're making a documentary about Joe's life.

-Get out of here. -LESLIE: And I'd just like

to ask you one question, please.

Do you think -- Do you think Joe is The Mask?

Lola, can I just ask you...

One question. Do you think Joe is The Mask?

-That's all. -LOLA: Get lost.

Ple-- We're just making a documentary.

There's no -- Will you please come back?

God damn it, Lola!

DR. TWEED: Leslie. Leslie. Leslie!

Hey. That's okay.

-Why didn't she talk? -Get in the cab.

Just get in the cab. Come on.

[ Tires screeching ]

Now, remember, Leslie...

...this is a woman.

-LESLIE: I know. We -- -The gentle approach works best.

We screwed up. We shouldn't have gone to her job, anyway.

-That was a bad idea. -That was yesterday.

-This is a better idea. -This is now.

-I'll be cool. -Be in the moment.

The flowers -- great idea.

-LOLA: Come in! -[ Dog barks ]

-Honey, get up here. -LESLIE: Good morning, Lola.

LOLA: Come on, Honey.

Aah! Aaaah!

Ugh! Please! Look out!

[ Tires screech ]

Okay. We're stopped now.

Something's bothering you. What's on your mind?

-What is it? Tell me. -Look, Tweed, I don't know.

I just feel like I should be getting some answers.

And I'm not. I mean, being with you

is like being on this wild-goose chase, you know?

I don't even think I know what I knew.

You know, with you, illusion and reality, they just blur.

They're just a big mess.

What about lunch?

Tell me why the roughest, toughest, meanest tag team

in wrestling today is taking on The Mask.

What do The Grunt Brothers have to gain?

You don't have enough time.

For one thing, we don't like that son of a bitch.

And for another thing, he thinks he's God's gift to women.

Well, we're gonna make him think and understand

that the worst thing he ever did

was wrestle against The Grunt Brothers.

-We're gonna take him. -Yeah!

And we're gonna crush his ugly masked face.

-Then we're gonna take him. -Yeah!

And we're gonna squeeze his head until it pops like a pimple!

-Yeah! -And then we're gonna see

and see what his brains are made out of, right?

That's right, brother.

We're gonna start from the head

and take him thread by thread.

And then we're gonna get him limb from limb.

That's right, brother. We're gonna kill him!

Let's go get him! Let's go get him!

-Let's go! -Yeah!

We'll get him! Raaah!

[ Speaking French ]

Huh?! [ Speaks French ]

Ms. Angel Face, why are you letting The Mask take on

two potentially homicidal men as The Grunt Brothers?

Isn't that awfully dangerous?

Dangerous? Dangerous?

[ Speaking French ]

No. [ Speaks French ]

He will crush your puny heads like mothballs.

He could handle a thousand bums

like these pathetic, impotent...

Oh, my Mask.

[ Speaking French ]

The only thing to fear from them

is their breath.

It swirls in the hot air they are so full of.

GRUNT BROTHER: What are you talking about, you ugly...

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Stay tuned. This looks like

it's gonna be total war out there tonight.

That is, if we can separate them long enough

to get them in the ring.

[ "Exotic" Adrian Street's "Breakin' Bones" plays ]

♪ I got lots of money, but that's really not my style ♪

♪ Nearly all the pleasures in my life are gone ♪

♪ I can't think of many things that make me want to smile ♪

♪ But there's one thing that really turns me on ♪

-♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪ -[ Crunching ]

♪ I wanna hear the cracks ♪

♪ I wanna hear the moans and groans ♪

-[ Man groaning ] -♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ But I'm only happy breakin' bones ♪

MAN: One!

Two!

Three!

Alright! Come on!

♪ There's just nothing I can say ♪

♪ I just never seem to get the message through ♪

♪ Very little interests me, I yawn my life away ♪

♪ But there's one thing I always wanna do ♪

-♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪ -[ Crunching ]

♪ I wanna hear the cracks ♪

♪ I wanna hear the moans and groans ♪

[ Man groaning ]

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ But I'm only happy breakin' bones ♪

MAN: One!

Two!

Three!

Hey! Breasts! Come on! Here!

♪ And dislocating fingers or a casual body slam ♪

♪ Helps me pass the time and brightens up my days ♪

-♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪ -[ Crunching ]

-♪ I wanna hear the cracks ♪ -Ohhhh!

♪ I wanna hear the moans and groans ♪

[ Man groaning ]

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ But I'm only happy breakin' bones ♪

♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪

♪ I wanna hear the cracks ♪

♪ I wanna hear the moans and groans ♪

♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪

♪ I wanna hear the cracks ♪

♪ I wanna hear the moans and groans ♪

♪ I wanna hear the crunch ♪

[ Bell dinging ]

CROWD: [ Chanting ] Mask! Mask! Mask! Mask!

Mask! Mask! Mask! Mask!

And the winner is...

The Mask!

-Yay! Yay! -Yeah!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Booing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

CARL: There's a new sensation in wrestling.

For those of you that have had your heads

buried in the sand for the past couple of weeks, he is The Mask.

He has just single-handedly defeated one of the best,

roughest, toughest tag teams in the sport.

He's sending these men to the hospital,

and it is this reporter's opinion

that The Mask could quickly lose his reputation

as a good guy and acquire one as a bad guy.

This is Carl Sandhurst in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Good night.

LESLIE: Excuse me! Charles!

Hi. May I call you Charles?

Uh, I want to ask you --

Uh, I want to ask you a question.

Oh!

Excuse me. Mr. Ring Announcer.

Um, you've been around a long time.

You've seen a lot of wrestling.

In your opinion, is Mad Dog Joe The Mask?

In my opinion, these people are paranoid schizophrenics.

I wanted to be a psychiatrist when I grew up.

Instead, I ended up as a...ring announcer.

My parents couldn't afford to send me to medical school.

It's not their fault. It's not mine either.

Joe was born on February 29th, leap year.

So the poor kid, he only got to celebrate his birthday

every four years.

I was Joe's only real wrestling coach.

Used to be impossible to control,

but he had real talent.

A coach's dream.

He wasn't a bad boy.

He was just like a wild mustang or something.

[ Slide projector clicks ]

That's Joe there in number 13.

He picked that number out for himself.

[ Slide projector clicks ]

But he couldn't stay out of trouble.

Nothing bad. Just mischievous.

I really miss that boy.

Oh, my God.

Look!

The Mask! See?!

This proves it.

Joe is The Mask!

This is where he got the idea --

from his old high-school days.

It all fits now.

Don't you see?

The mask.

What did you do with the mask?

I don't know.

I threw it away, I guess.

If I had that mask...

if I had that mask...

I could put Joe's fan club back on top!

Dick Kopf is a guy -- Oh, Leslie, we go back.

Oh, let me tell you. We go way back.

There are some stories I could tell you about Kopf, but...

but he's a guy that's not --

He's not really very flexible, you know?

I guess you would have to say that he's set in his ways.

DICK: Come on, you [bleep] son of a [bleep]

Come on. Swing that [bleep] around.

That's it. Now, come on.

Knee him, you [bleep]

Come on, you son of a [bleep]

That's it.

Now, in a case like that, you reach into your trunks

and take out a little bit of soap from the inside

and rub it in the sons of [bleep] eyes.

Wait a minute.

Who are you [bleep] [bleep]

What the hell are you doing here, you [bleep]

If you're from one of those television exposé things,

forget it.

I don't speak to nobody until I see my attorney first.

LESLIE: No, we're not a television exposé.

We're making a documentary about wrestling,

and I understand you used to manage Mad Dog Joe De Curso.

Oh. Movie trash, huh?

Alright. I'll talk to you.

Yeah. He was a son of a [bleep]

Joe was one of a kind, though.

[Bleep] [bleep]

But you said earlier he was a son of a [bleep]

He was a son of a [bleep]

But he had heart.

Loved punishment.

Used to thrive on it.

Nothing hurt him. Nothing.

I ain't never seen anyone or anything like him since.

The heart of a lion.

Why, he could [bleep] lightning or [bleep] thunder.

When I met Joe, he was slicker

than bat [bleep] on a wet doormat.

I was handling a huge wrestler.

A mean, ugly [bleep] turd.

Called himself The Giant Goon.

He had a carnival-type thing.

You know -- 500 bucks to the [bleep] [bleep]

who could stay in the ring with him for 5 minutes.

He used to make a killing.

"Suck them in and [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] them up."

That was my motto.

Joe fought that [bleep] [bleep] like a wildcat.

In fact, I'd like to [bleep] a bobcat in a phone booth

than fight Joe.

He beat the hell out of that Giant Goon.

LESLIE: Is that when you signed him up?

Had to. Why, the [bleep] [bleep] cost me 500 bucks.

He ruined my scam.

Had to make up my money some way.

Oh, but we had some good times, too.

Teamed him up with Captain Carnage.

Even got him a championship match.

ANNOUNCER: The Terrible Two

may be the South City's favorite sons,

but they've bitten off a bit more than they can chew

here tonight in the Ocean City Arena.

Joe throws Chicken Ear into the turnbuckle.

His partner, Captain Carnage, joins him,

and they're double-teaming poor Ivan Leftheart,

slamming him -- bam -- twice.

Again.

Carnage throws him to the mat.

And then a flying body press, and it's over.

One, two -- What's this?

Captain Carnage wants to give the crowd some more fun.

He tosses Leftheart against the rope, over his shoulder.

Wait. Carnage is showboating.

This time, he'll pay.

Chicken Ear sends a dropkick in his direction.

One more time for good measure.

Carnage is through. Carnage is through!

And the champs have prevailed.

-Go to war, Miss Agnes! -[ Bell dinging ]

Mad Dog is furious!

Mad Dog doesn't care!

He's really lost it.

He's on a rampage, and the fans have had enough.

The ring announcer enters.

Mad Dog bushwhacks him, too.

Now he's turning on his partner!

He's telling his partner just how he feels

about that showboating.

Everyone's scattering.

And I, for one, believe they've got the right idea.

There goes Mad Dog, ripping a fan's shirt right off his back!

God help anyone in his way!

Not little Mitzi!

Not too many left here to see him

and his psychopathic behavior.

But isn't that what wrestling's all about?

That [bleep] [bleep]

Son of a [bleep]

Things ain't never been the same since.

LESLIE: Do you think Joe is The Mask?

Who the [bleep] knows?

I'm telling you, you're wasting your time here.

What you should be doing is talking to that [bleep] [bleep]

he used to live with.

That Lola.

She's sure to know.

But I'm warning you -- You'll never get her to talk.

Bullshit! The Mask is not Joe!

What are you -- blind?!

I'm sick and tired of all this crap

about Joe being a monk in Japan somewhere,

being dead, jumping off a bridge.

I've had it up to here!

I want some sanity in my life!

I'm gonna tell you about Joe

'cause I want you off my backs, alright?

He disappeared one day.

I came back from working out, and he was gone.

That was six years ago.

I haven't heard from him since!

Okay? You want to see some stuff of his?

These are some of Joe's trophies.

This is the ledger I kept on him.

This is a fight book.

It has eats, carbohydrates,

fight dates, cash outlays.

Would you like it, Dr. Tweed?

Go ahead. Take it.

Joe was a tough wrestler. He was good.

He was very tough on himself. He just had to win.

That was his big problem, as you know -- He just had to win.

Come on. There's more junk back here.

These are Joe's wrestling pictures.

Why don't you take them? Geez!

What am I doing with all this junk?

Take them. Just get them out of my life.

There's more junk in here.

Look at this. Look at this crap in my closet.

You know how they say, "Clothes make the man?"

Gee, I don't have the man. I've got all of his clothes.

Don't ask me what for.

Please, get them out of my closet.

Can't believe I still have them.

-Here, don't forget the shirt. -[ Dog barking ]

Honey, come here, baby. It's alright.

Honey. This is my good friend, Honey.

She hasn't left me. It's alright, baby.

You know, she's just a little bit scared.

I mean, you think I had a bad temper, you should see Mad Dog.

When he got mad, he was like a wild dog.

I mean, he was crazy. And he did not jump off

some bridge, you know, like people say.

He would not have done that. I know the guy just a little bit.

He's probably shacked up with some bimbo,

and he better not bring her in here!

If you're out there, Mad Dog,

I'm gonna kill you when I get out there!

You are causing me so much shit!

Look at this.

I mean, Joe was tough, you know.

He was bad, but he loved jokes.

He loved swerves. That's wrestling talk.

Professional whoopee cushion -- Can you believe it?

Only the best for Mad Dog.

A bone, which is what I've got now.

You know what, though?

Mad Dog saved a guy's life once.

These fans were beating on this guy so bad

after a fight with Joe that Joe dragged him

into the dressing room,

pretended to beat on him so the fans wouldn't kill him

and saved his life.

I mean, I don't know why I'm hanging on to all this junk!

It's just crap, you know! Get it out of my life!

Actually, I'm glad you came by!

How about some film? I bet you'd love some film!

We got TV interviews, you know,

all this stuff about fights. Here, take it.

I can't believe I'm hanging on to all this junk.

I don't know why. You know, he's gone!

How about a heart?

Okay, just get out. Alright?

You got what you wanted.

LESLIE: Thanks, Lola!

Oh, this is great.

Let's move before she changes her mind.

I feel like the guy that won the lottery.

The one with the wife. Oh-oh-oh!

-[ Clattering ] -Here, just take it all!

Haul it off somewhere!

DR. TWEED: Oh! Wow!

LOLA: I don't care! Just get rid of it!

Get out of here!

Look at all this film.

Uh-huh.

Now we're really gonna find something out.

Tweed, she said Joe is not The Mask.

Yeah, but what'd you expect for her to say?

The woman just got dumped on.

Oh, man.

I'll tell you, that Joe, he's something else.

Found a spitfire like Lola,

and then he gets a real classy broad

like that French broad, Angel Face.

Do you guys have a projector?

We can look at this stuff right away.

LESLIE: Nah. I know where we can rent one, though.

Oh, yeah? What do they go for?

I don't know. It depends on who you know.

-Yeah? -I got some connections.

Hello, and welcome to our home.

I am Mad Dog Joe De Curso's manager, Sweet Lola.

Come with me, please.

[ Door creaking ]

This is Mad Dog's trophy room.

These are some of Joe's wrestling photos.

And this is where we relax,

watch TV, or whatever.

And this is our clothes closet.

As you can see, we live modestly, but comfortably.

And these are some pictures.

Some paintings that I've done.

I love Oriental art.

MAN: Do you feel Joe is ready for the title shot?

Yes, I do feel that Joe is ready for the title shot.

We've worked hard.

In fact, we are so ready,

we're gonna knock the world on its ear!

This is worthless. I can't use any of this.

Worthless? We have a gold mine here.

The stars at play.

I don't need at play.

I need something. A morgue report.

Hey, hey. Time-out, huh?

These people are bigger than life, yet human.

Human! I don't want human, Tweed!

-I want reality. -This is reality!

I want a tidy little piece of film

-that just sums it all up! -Alright, alright.

Hey, hey, calm down, huh?

Take a deep breath.

2 or 3 minutes, we'll talk.

You want coffee?

I'm standing here with The Mask;

his scintillating manager, Angel Face; and Honey Bun;

who are not very popular in the state of Georgia

at this moment only because The Mask is challenging

the best wrestler in the state of Georgia --

their very own champion, El Toro.

Unpopular? No!

Not as unpopular as we are going to be

after The Mask turns El Toro

into a teeny-weeny, poor burger.

I wouldn't be so sure of that.

El Toro might be a lot smaller than The Mask,

but he isn't state champion for nothing.

[ Speaking French ]

That means nothing to us.

The Mask will turn this little cha-cha matador

into bull merde.

Bull merde?

Bull shit!

So, see you in the ring, El Toro!

[ Speaking French ]

[ Smooches ]

[ Speaks French ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the wrestling champion of the state of Georgia,

-El Toro. -That girl's got problems.

She ought to leave that French perfume back where it belongs.

You know, ladies and gentlemen,

you're the one that put this belt around me.

You are the one that gave me the chance

to prove myself in such a small body.

Now I'm gonna meet you, Mask.

You're nothing but a big, tall brute!

When you attack, you attack like a bull.

You don't attack with your mind.

You just attack with those big muscles of yours.

Well, all I have to offer

is this small body with a lot of brain,

a lot of swiftness, and a lot of speed.

And every time you see red, it's gonna be me, man,

set on fire!

So you just come here, Mask,

and bring that sidekick of yours,

and I'll teach her some manners!

El Toro, ladies and gentlemen.

Stay tuned. Looks like it's gonna be a good show tonight.

Who are you here to see?

Oh, I'm here to see El Toro.

I kind of like rooting for the little guy.

He gets wild and crazy, and that's what I'm here for.

El Toro, baby. El Toro.

And here he is,

a true son of the South,

205 pounds of pure fury,

from Macon, Georgia...

El Toro!

[ Up-tempo music plays, cheers and applause ]

WOMAN: Toro!

MAN: Toro!

MAN #2: El Toro!

CROWD: Olé!

-Olé! -WOMAN #2: El Toro!

CROWD: Olé!

Mi amor.

CROWD: Olé!

Olé!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

[ Rock music plays ]

ANNOUNCER: El Toro receives an immediate blow

from his massive opponent.

But he slips away. El Toro has slipped away.

And slams The Mask onto the mat.

El Toro breaks into his Dance of the Toreador,

and The Mask is baffled.

ANNOUNCER #2 The Mask's manager, Froufrou,

or whatever her name is, is begging her fighter

to get back in the ring and stop El Toro's dancing.

Ah, the brute is being embarrassed

something awful out there.

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life ♪

-♪ Wrestling tonight ♪ -Olé!

Come on, El Toro! Get The Mask!

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

MAN: Olé!

Go! Olé!

Angel Face, y'all suck!

So?!

ANNOUNCER #1: El Toro catches The Mask

in an upside-down head scissors

and sends the confused Goliath sprawling over the ropes

-and out of the squared circle. -Olé!

El Toro follows him down

and is now doing the Toreador in the aisles!

CROWD: [ Chanting ] Toro! Toro!

The Mask is a stunned wrestler right now.

He doesn't know what hit him.

El Toro slams him down again and stomps on his nose.

ANNOUNCER #2: And that's the real Dance of the Toreador.

He's gonna...

He's gonna jump!

But The Mask picks him up and hurls poor El Toro

-right onto the mat! -[ El Toro groans ]

ANNOUNCER #1: Here comes about 280 pounds of steel!

El Toro just rolls out of the way.

El Toro fools The Mask

with a beautifully executed torpedo head butt!

Bravo!

ANNOUNCER #2: And The Mask

wants no part of this fight.

He runs for cover.

He knows when he's beat.

And El Toro makes sure the whole world knows it.

The ref is counting at The Mask.

One, two...

But El Toro isn't finished.

The Mask sure isn't what he's cracked up to be, is he, Jerry?

That man ought to be flitting around in a tutu somewhere.

[ El Toro grunting ]

Whoa! Hey!

ANNOUNCER #1: Ladies and gentlemen,

can you believe the acrobatics,

the athleticism of El Toro?

That man just took off and sailed over my head

and plowed like a comet from the skies

right into what's left of The Mask.

He picks up the dazed Mask, charges off the rope,

and -- my goodness -- collides with a brick wall!

ANNOUNCER #2: I declare!

ANNOUNCER #1: Wait a minute. The Mask seems okay.

He's revving up.

He drops El Toro with a crippling side suplex.

And a fight-stopping throat kick!

He's looking for meat now.

And he wants it raw.

The little bull is being pounded from beefcake into beefsteak.

ANNOUNCER #2: That is not funny, Jerry.

That's just not funny.

ANNOUNCER #1: You're right.

It's more like ground round.

And the fans are begging their hero to get off the ground.

Whoa!

Olé!

ANNOUNCER #1: He surprises everyone, especially The Mask.

El Toro is back.

He's back with a vengeance. A nose twist.

Stomach stomp.

And he-r-re's the dance!

A kick to The Mask's knee. Another one.

He's flailing in the ropes like a fish in a net.

[ Crowd chanting "Toro!" ]

But The Mask has untangled himself.

And El Toro, drunk with the scent of a victory,

finds himself in a tight squeeze.

ANNOUNCER #2: Well, balls of fire!

He's writhing in agony!

The Mask grabs those steps.

He's hauling it onto the mat for some reason.

That's illegal! Jerry, where's the referee?

That's grounds for disqualification.

ANNOUNCER #1: The brave El Toro, still dazed,

is buffeted mercilessly by The Mask.

Then he body-slams him into the stairs.

El Toro is hurting, ladies and gentlemen.

El Toro!

[ Sobs ]

This is terrible. This is just awful.

This is not good wrestling, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know what this is,

but there is malice behind that mask.

ANNOUNCER #2: It's a pitiful display of pain over here today.

-[ Bell dinging ] -ANNOUNCER #1: He's hurt.

Get some medical attention in there to El Toro!

This place has turned into a Parthenon of pandemonium,

and I suggest, if you have any small children,

you get them away from your set right away.

Never in my six months of watching wrestling

have I seen anything as bloody and gory and violent as this.

-The Mask has no mercy! -This is awful.

I can't look anymore. I cannot look at this.

-[ Bell dinging ] -MAN: Come on!

[ Cheers and applause, booing ]

Oh, here we go. Oh. Uh...

We're here in Anaheim, California, where Wally George,

ultra-conservative talk-show host,

has invited The Mask to be a guest on his hot seat.

-The stupid jerk, The Mask. -MAN: Yeah, he's sick.

-He stinks, doesn't he? -He's totally sick.

He tried to tell us that he's gonna be the next champion.

Baloney, right? Isn't that right?

Hey, listen to me! Are we gonna get this Mask

-and tear him apart? -[ Crowd cheering ]

Hey, tell me this. Is The Mask a phony?

-CROWD: Yeah! -Okay, let's go get him.

And now here is, Wally George!

[ Cheers and applause ]

CROWD: [ Chanting ] Wally! Wally!

Wally! Wally!

Wally! Wally! Wally! Wally!

For you liberal lunatics out there,

this is the program that tells it the way it is.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I want you to take a look at a little phony film footage

so you can see at home, even when they try,

they can't do anything right in the Soviet Union.

[ Announcer speaking Russian ]

Another ludicrous Commie trick.

Those stupid Russians don't know how to do anything right.

-Isn't that right? -CROWD: [ Chanting ] Commie!

-Commie! Commie! Commie! -Trying to...

Trying to discredit a tragic accident

that really happened in this great country

just a few years ago.

And I'll tell you, this film was smuggled into this country

from the Soviet Union by those wonderful people in the CIA!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Next up on the hot seat, he calls himself a disc jockey.

I call him a disc jerky. How about you, huh?

DISC JOCKEY: Wait a minute, now.

CROWD: [ Chanting ] Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!

WALLY: I've heard you on your stupid program.

You're a lousy role model for the kids

who are listening across America.

You are promoting Satanic worship, drugs, and violence.

-Am I right? -CROWD: Yeah!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Listen, dude...

Don't call me "dude"!

Alright. Listen, you might --

You prancing little pervert!

-Wait a minute. -[ Cheers and applause ]

How you doing, guys? Calm down.

-Alright, man. -And, by the way,

why didn't you put your pants on

before you came down here, huh?

Just don't get hostile now, okay?

Just calm down a little bit, alright?

This is, to distorted minds, the name of the song --

The Crosshair Band.

There's a hidden message in this.

Speaking of distorted minds,

-there he is, folks. -[ Indistinct shouting ]

You guys be quiet now. I'm gonna turn it up

so you can hear this loud and clear, okay?

You're all gonna be happily...

Alright, now listen to this here.

I'll see if I can find it here.

Listen to this now.

-MAN: Joe is Mask. -"Joe is Mask."

"Joe Is Mask." Can you hear that?

Joe is Mask, and you are nuts! What do you think?

[ Crowd chanting "dimwit!" ]

Never mind. Never mind.

Wait a minute! Be careful with my record!

No, no! You can't do this!

Wait a minute! Don't break my record!

Don't break my record!

[ Crowd chanting "Wally!" ]

WALLY: Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Hey, I think now is the time we should go to the audience

and bring somebody up for some questions

and maybe a few comments.

And what's your name, sir?

Dr. Tweed.

WALLY: What kind of a doctor are you, pal?

Sociology.

I took my PhD at the University of California.

You look like you need a doctor.

You know what I mean? Go ahead.

Uh, I would like to, on behalf

of the "Mad Dog Joe Is Mask" fan club,

of which I am the founder and the president...

to make you an honorary member, if you would so be, uh...

Get back -- Aw, what, are you flashing here or something?

-Get back to the podium. -DR. TWEED: Yes, sir.

Okay, now, what's your question? Go ahead.

Well, I just wanted to impress upon you this one thing, sir --

And this is with all due respect,

because I appreciate you...

and I appreciate the men you have on your walls,

and I appreciate the country.

Say what you want to say!

Mad Dog Joe...is The Mask.

-You are an idiot! -I have been interview--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Here's what I think

of your official...

[ Crowd booing ]

Put him back in his seat!

-Alright. Hold up. Hold up. -MAN: Put him in his seat.

WALLY: Just sit down and shut up!

Now, here's what this program is all about.

Now you're gonna meet this idiot himself.

The man we've been talking about.

He calls himself The Mask,

and he's masquerading as Mad Dog Joe De Curso,

and he's bringing along with him his ding-dong manager.

Let's bring them out right now! Here they are!

[ Crowd booing, cheering ]

[ Wolf-whistles ]

Alright. Sit down.

Okay. Now, you are the manager of this guy.

Let me ask you this -- Is he Joe De Curso?

-Hey, numskull. Yes? -You know, Wally.

-What's that? -When you become a big star,

a lot of jealous people say many things.

But don't trust them. It's not true.

You know that, Wally, because you're a very big, big star.

-Don't you? -Well, uh...

since you put it that way....

[ Laughs ]

No, now come on! Don't try to do that to me!

[ Laughter ]

Now, what I'm asking is -- I want to know --

And why don't you say something, idiot?

Are you Joe De Curso, or aren't you?

Speak to me. Listen, I'm --

I'm asking you a question, and I want an answer from you.

Are you Joe De Curso?

And don't give me any of your bull!

I want an answer!

Are you Joe De Curso?

You look like a pantywaist to me.

I want to know -- Get your hand --

Get him away from me! You idiot!

-[ Indistinct shouting ] -MAN: Hey, hey!

Aah!

[ Woman laughing ]

[ Crowd booing ]

LESLIE: Thanks for doing this interview.

I appreciate your change in attitude towards the media.

You're welcome.

We do exactly as we want when it comes to the media.

The Mask is ready to show the world

that he's not flash in the pan.

Tonight, he will be wrestling the Fourth Wonder of the World,

the Great Pyramid.

He's a terrific fighting machine

with the strength of four "bemoths."

-What? -"Bemoths."

-Behemoths. -Yes, "bemoths."

LESLIE: You talked, didn't you?

Is this Mad Dog Joe De Curso?

Who told you to ask me that question?

Nobody. I make up my own questions.

ANGEL FACE: Don't never ask me that question again. Never!

Ow!

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

From the land of the pharaohs,

the Great Pyramid!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Men grunting ]

MAN: Come on, you big lug. Come on, come on.

-MAN #2: Come on. Come on. -MAN #3: You're nothing.

MAN #4: Come on. You're nothing. Come on. Cross this line.

[ Sighs ] Go, Mask!

Allez! [ Speaks French ]

MAN #1: Alright, you guys. Come on. Let's get back.

MAN #2: Come on. Come on.

Hey, no wrestling by committee.

Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

You alright? Can I help you?

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

MAN: Okay, I'll get him this time. I got him.

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

MAN #2: Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

I think it's going rather well, don't you?

MAN #3: Come on, guys. Come on, let's go.

Whew! Okay. Come on. We got him this time.

Come on, guys. Oh, oh!

MAN #1: The knee. Get him in the knee.

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

MAN #2: Pick him up. Pick him up.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. Faster, faster, faster, faster.

-You're through. -What?

What do you mean?

[ Men shouting indistinctly ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Men talking indistinctly ]

[ Crowd booing ]

[ Bell dinging ]

MAN: Alright! Yeah!

ANGEL FACE: Come here! Son of a bitch!

Come here! Please don't leave!

-Come here! -[ Crowd booing ]

He's just a little upset, that's all.

If I was a betting man, and I didn't work for free,

I'd bet a month's salary that under that clumsy headgear,

The Mask's face is beet red with embarrassment.

It's been a week of bad P.R. for The Mask,

who rightly blames his ex-manager, Angel Face,

who resembles less a manager

than perhaps a small aquarium fish

with perhaps a small amount of brain damage.

First, there was the Georgia title match.

Oh, The Mask beat El Toro all right,

but beating a hometown boy in the boy's hometown

can even make the faceless Mask lose face.

From that frying pan, Angel Face really put

The Mask into the fire. The Mask got burnt.

Angel Face felt the heat.

And the match against the Human Pyramid just never ignited.

So now The Mask has a new manager,

the "Golden Greek" John Tolos, and it remains to be seen

how he will do in the upcoming battle royale.

I can't stand the suspense. Can you?

Frankly, I only pay attention to professional wrestling

because I can't afford cable television.

If I could afford cable, the money might be better spent

hiring a hit man or deadly poisons to have

not only wrestlers, but all athletes put to sleep.

I hate sports, and now stay tuned

for the "'Exotic' Adrian's Street Show."

I got to go.

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm so in love, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm so in love, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ I don't need to search ♪

♪ For someone to adore ♪

Mwah! Good evening, viewers.

Welcome, once again, to "'Exotic' Adrian's Street."

And, tonight, my guests are The Mask,

who is now being handled by his new manager,

Mr. John Tolos, the Golden Greek.

So, this is "'Exotic' Adrian's Street."

[ Laughs ]

Tell me, Mr. Tolos, who is this person?

This person is The Mask.

Everybody thought that all the stars were in the sky,

but I have news for you and everybody else --

that this is the star.

No one has even come this close in beating him,

in defeating him!

Anyone that ever steps in the ring with my boy

is like stepping in the ring in the middle of a hurricane,

stepping in the middle of an earthquake,

stepping in the middle of a tornado.

He flattens everyone.

Anyone in his way, he flattens.

No one has ever defeated him.

No one!

What about the Human Pyramid?

-The Human Pyramid? -Mm-hmm.

Let me tell you something.

He was managed by that French poodle.

All she was good for is to rip her brassiere off

and rip her panties off and light a match, and boom,

and all of a sudden, she thought she was a wrestling manager!

She was absolutely nothing!

So they deported her back to France.

Her and her French poodle!

-You know -- -You understand a man talking?

Of course I-I understand viciousness.

I -- There's nobody that understands viciousness

more than me, dear.

I mean, I can be a bitch.

I could kill a man eventually.

I mean, what do you think about a mask, Miss Linda?

I think he's hiding behind that

'cause he's a bit of a sissy, don't you?

-I think it... -Looks that way, doesn't it?

It does, doesn't it? Look at those pale blue eyes.

Look at those long eyelashes and that golden mustache.

I bet you're really cute underneath.

You're rather cute yourself, dear.

-Mwah. -[ Chuckles ]

So, what about this tournament?

When that battle royale appears very soon,

this man shall be the winner

and the new champion of the world!

Hmm. Don't forget I'm going to be in that battle royale, too.

Let me tell you something --

Don't lose your head over it, Street.

Don't lose your head over it.

ADRIAN: We just happen to have

a little surprise for you right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce another guest --

Captain Carnage?

Welcome to my show, Mr. Carnage.

Oh, thank you. It's a pleasure to be on.

I'm sure it is.

Let me ask you one question.

This is the question all the viewers want to know.

Is this man Mad Dog Joe De Curso?

-CAPTAIN CARNAGE: No, Adrian. -Mm!

This is not Mad Dog Joe!

Joe De Curso was a credit to wrestling.

You, you're scum!

Ooh!

Oh, hey, now, now, now, now...

[ Indistinct shouting, theme music plays ]

Well, viewers, that ends

another "'Exotic' Adrian's Street."

Goodbye. [ Smooches ]

What do you think the connection is

between rock 'n' roll and wrestling?

I don't think there is any connection

between rock 'n' roll and wrestling.

I think wrestling sucks.

LESLIE: What don't you like about it?

Well, it's just all these beefcakes sitting on each other.

I really don't get the point.

I mean, what came first anyway --

rock 'n' roll or wrestling?

Think about it.

-Wrestling. -♪ Oh, man ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life, life, life, life ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

MAN: Rock 'n' roll!

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life, life, life ♪

♪ And it's wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

As assistant to the assistant

to the assistant to the mayor himself,

it is my duty to read the following to you

with the most personal and intimate regards.

"I had wanted to present your name or names here

with the key to the city,

but instead, I would like you to receive

these lovely snowflake paperweights

as a token of our city's hospitality."

[ Applause ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

"Good luck. Insert name of event here.

Sincerely, your mayor."

[ Applause ]

LESLIE: What is it you like about wrestling?

[ Spits ] Violence.

LESLIE: What's the wildest thing you ever saw in the ring?

Well, I remember that time

Mad Dog had a decapitation going for him.

-[ Laughs ] -Okay.

Mad Dog's just a figment of your imagination.

LESLIE: Is Mad Dog The Mask?

They got very similar styles,

but until we see it without the mask, who knows?

Each one has got his own technique.

The other man, he counters with his own technique,

and it takes a good man to win.

LESLIE: So, Dr. Tweed,

you must be very excited about this evening.

Well, I'm flying high, you know, au naturel, of course.

You look nice. You look nice in your tux.

Thank you. Do you think The Mask is gonna win tonight?

Oh, yeah. He's gonna be top dog.

You know what I mean?

Mad Dog is The Mask.

LESLIE: Do you think there's going to be a decapitation?

No.

Well...

You know, history could repeat itself tonight.

I feel in the mood for decapitating somebody,

and it could have --

That head, when it rolls, could just be covered in a mask.

LESLIE: Why the red and black makeup?

I want to see blood tonight, blood, blood!

I've seen wrists broken.

I've seen lacerations, compressed dicks -- disks,

and even a broken neck.

[ Sighs ] It's not a pretty sight.

LESLIE: So what do you think about professional wrestling?

Um, I think it's a good form of sublimation for the spectator.

LESLIE: What do you like best about it?

-I like the pain! [ Grunts ] -Violence!

Violence, the blood, the hitting, the kicking.

It's just great.

I love the glistening bodies full of sweat smashing together

and the flexing and their muscles just bulging

with their veins sticking out.

I just love it.

Love those bodies! Give them to me, baby.

LESLIE: Any special glistening part?

Oh, uh...

Talk to me about wrestling. Talk to me about Mr. T.

Talk to me about Mr. Hulk. I love them all.

I love you. Let me tell you something, babe.

Mad Dog and I

were at the Diana Ross concert on Central Park.

We broke up a lot of crowd-control things.

-We were -- -So Mad --

We -- We were a team together.

LESLIE: Mad Dog isn't dead, then.

Mad Dog is alive and well.

Let me tell you, don't ever count him out.

You ever count him out, you're finished.

I'll come after you myself.

Uggams, the director.

Charles, may I call you Charles?

Um, I would just like to get some of your thoughts

and opinions about tonight's upcoming battle royale

and specifically The Mask and --

The Mask is irrelevant.

What's important is Mask Madness and the news and wrestling.

You understand that?

-Yeah. -Of course you don't.

What is this you're making here? This an educational video?

You get a grant for this?

No. We're making a documentary about wrestling.

You know the three most boring words in the English language?

-"Parade." -"Parade."

-"Museum." -"Museum."

-And "documentary." -"Documentary."

And there's only one thing I hate more than a parade.

That's you, Uggams.

Take my ticket.

I'm going to the press box.

Commie Warhead, are you intimidated by the prospect

of going into the ring with The Mask?

I like when big fat men hit the ground!

That's what I like, and now there's gonna be

a lot of big fat men hitting the ground!

That's for you, and this is for The Mask

or anybody else who tries to stand between me and the belt.

Captain Carnage is gonna be the new champ

because I'm hungry!

The Mask and The Golden Greek...

Say it!

The Mask and The Golden Greek...

-...are the greatest! -...are the greatest.

Now say it all at once.

The Mask and The Golden Greek are the greatest.

And don't you ever forget it, and don't you ever forget it!

LESLIE: Do you like girl wrestlers?

[ Laughs ]

-Female wrestlers, man. -MAN: That's my favorite.

When they take off their clothes and...

Ugh, I love it!

And then they wrestle me.

Women wrestling, I love it.

I love it. I love it.

I love the women.

I just -- I just like them.

[ "Mighty Big Girl" plays ]

♪ I went to the dance Saturday night ♪

♪ Now, I've been around and I've seen a few sights ♪

♪ But standing right in front of me ♪

♪ Was the biggest darn girl I'm ever likely to see ♪

♪ She was a mighty big girl for her age, hmm ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ Six-foot-three and definitely ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ I asked her to dance, she shook her fist ♪

♪ Grabbed my hand and sprained my wrist ♪

♪ Dragged me onto the disco floor ♪

♪ Suddenly, I didn't want to dance anymore ♪

♪ She was a mighty big girl for her age, hmm ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ Six-foot-three and definitely ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ I grabbed her arm but lost my grip ♪

♪ Next thing I knew was an Irish Whip ♪

♪ With a foot on my throat, I could see at a glance ♪

♪ That it wasn't any dancing school ♪

♪ That taught her to dance ♪

♪ She was a mighty big girl for her age, mm ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ Six-foot-three and definitely ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

I wouldn't go out with her again.

Even if she was as pretty as me.

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

♪ A mighty big girl for her age ♪

Your attention, please! Your attention, please!

Tonight, here in the world-famous Olympic Auditorium

in Los Angeles, California, will be a battle royal

for the undisputed wrestling championship of the world!

Presenting Sammy White, the People's Choice!

-[ Cheers and applause ] -Rip Miller!

MAN: Ladies and gents, here come the wrestlers into the ring,

all bloody 12 of them.

MAN #2: Good evening, sports fans.

The excitement is really melting here for this battle royale.

[ Speaking native language ] Cowboy Steve, Woody Farmer.

Mike "The Alaskan" York!

Black Hawke!

American Starship Eagle!

The Exotic Adrian Street and his valet, Miss Linda!

I read an interesting statistic in the paper today.

It said that more babies were born

in the city of Los Angeles this past week

than in any other week in the city's history,

and 22 of those babies were either named Mad Dog or Mask.

ANNOUNCER: Commie Warhead!

Captain Carnage and his manager, Sweet Lola.

And finally, The Mask

and his manager, John Tolos, The Golden Greek!

Alright, gentlemen, come in here, please.

The rules for the match are as follows.

To be disqualified, a man must be thrown over the top rope,

out of the ring, or be pinned.

The last man that's standing in the ring will be the champion.

This is not a timed bout.

The bout will begin when the bell rings.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Good luck to each and every one of you.

Good luck and...

Adrian Street finds himself once again

in an unnatural position.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

There's a carnival-like atmosphere here tonight.

You can feel the air of expectancy in the crowd.

They didn't just come to see

an old-fashioned brand of wrestling.

They've come to see the blood-and-guts showdown

that will crown the new prince of the wrestling universe!

Aah!

ANNOUNCER: This is true savagery.

It is Armageddon out there,

and this is the survival of the fittest.

[ Choking ]

ANNOUNCER: The fans are hysterical.

The whole building is rocking!

These men are modern-day gladiators

as they absorb blows, slams, cuts, and kicks.

But there's no sign of exhaustion in these men.

Each has fought long and hard

for the opportunity to be here tonight,

each trying to prove himself worthy

of the title that's been in limbo for so long.

I have to call this the Battle of the Bulge.

[ Shouts ]

There are a lot of unresolved Oedipal complexes

happening out there right now.

Lots of old scores to settle here tonight,

and I don't mean in a gentlemanly fashion.

We're not talking pistols and 20 paces today.

This is America!

The Mask is landing blows left and right.

He's got the Exotic Adrian Street in a headlock.

He gouges at his eyes.

Mike "The Alaskan" York and his Russian neighbor

are working on Captain Carnage,

while Rip Miller gives an airplane spin to Cowboy Steve.

And down he goes.

Miller body-presses him.

Hey, what's going on here?

I feel like I'm in a meat-packing plant.

Three tons of flesh

are now heaped on top of poor Cowboy Steve.

Out!

[ Bell dings ]

ANNOUNCER: He's put on the stretcher,

but The Mask mercilessly kicks him

to the auditorium floor.

The blows are coming fast and furious.

Woody Farmer lifts Sammy White over his head

and throws the People's Choice onto the concrete.

Mask slugs Rip Miller and is now going after the Commie Warhead,

banging his fist into the Commie's eye!

Now, now! Attack!

ANNOUNCER: Mask stomps brutally on Rip Miller's back.

Miller is down and in obvious pain

as The Mask tramples him again and again.

And Miller's out of the ring,

his hopes for victory gone forever.

Oh, sweet mother. Can you believe it?

ANNOUNCER: What's this?

Adrian Street escapes from American Starship Eagle's pin

with the help of his new friend The Mask.

The Eagle has reversed the roles.

He's pounding The Mask into the corner,

and Tolos, Tolos is pulling on the Eagle's ankles!

And what's this?

The Eagle is so irate, he's going after The Golden Greek.

The fans are hysterical.

The whole building is rocking!

The Mask looks for his next victim

and, boom, catches the Eagle and kicks him over the ropes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Eagle has landed!

And now John Tolos is picking the security chain up.

That's illegal, John.

Neither of those men got enough parental attention as babies.

♪ You're the main event ♪

[ Singing indistinctly ]

♪ If you get too close ♪

♪ You'll be alive, but you might not want to be ♪

Captain Carnage looks like a bleeding walnut!

♪ If you can't fight, you better learn how to dance ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ Do you want to body-slam? ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ You're gonna know when he knocks you down ♪

[ Singing indistinctly ]

♪ Choke hold that never ends ♪

♪ Disaster in the ring ♪

♪ He's a mad, mad dog ♪

♪ Just can't mess with him ♪

♪ You'll be history when he's through ♪

♪ If you can't fight, you better learn how to dance ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ Do you want to body-slam? ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ You're gonna know when he knocks you ♪

♪ Down ♪

♪ You're gonna take a fall ♪

Adrian has the Commie by the hair.

And ka-pow!

Adrian Street has rammed the Commie Warhead's head

into the post, thus making the world safe for democracy.

♪ Do you want to body-slam? ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

Slam him! Slam him again!

♪ You're gonna know when he knocks you down ♪

ANNOUNCER: Street crashes into the turnbuckle.

He's been double-crossed, and he demands an apology.

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ You're gonna know when he knocks you down ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ Do you want to body-slam? ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

♪ You're gonna know when he knocks you down ♪

♪ Do you want to dance? ♪

The mayhem outside has clearly diverted everyone's attention

from the main attraction

as The Mask loops the ropes around Captain Carnage's neck.

He's got him in the hangman.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

It's Mad Dog!

It's Mad Dog!

[ Engine revving ]

Joe, Joe!

[ Grunting ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

[ Shouting ]

♪ It's alright ♪

♪ The hero's on your side ♪

♪ It's alright, it's alright ♪

♪ The hero's on your side ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪

[ Crowd cheering ]

DR. TWEED: Leslie, Leslie.

Hey, are you a sight for sore eyes.

-How you doing, huh? -Pretty good.

I bet you stopped by to buy

a pair of sheepskin seat covers for your ride.

No, I got a couple. I just haven't put them in the car.

-Sell it to you wholesale. -It's okay.

I came by to talk about my movie.

Oh, yeah, well, tell me. How'd it turn out, huh?

Well, it doesn't really have the big resolution at the end,

you know, the big heart-stopping,

throat-grabbing kind of ending that I want.

Joe came back. Redemption! That's the ending.

No, he was the 13th man in the ring.

He got disqualified.

So?

So he retired from wrestling.

You know he and Lola took off?

First, we didn't know where he was.

Now we don't know where he is.

And we still don't know who The Mask was.

He was a wrestler.

He's wrestling right now as the Human Icebox.

-Can you beat that? -I didn't know that.

Oh, how could these guys -- How can they do this to me?

You know, I have all of my mom's money sunk into this movie,

and I don't have the big ending that I need.

I have got 90,000 feet of film in a storage space somewhere,

and I need that -- boom, boom -- big ending, you know,

and that's why I'm here to talk to you, Tweed.

Maybe you can get back in a cab,

and we can put the bones back on the hubcaps

and on the steering wheel,

and we can drive around now just interviewing.

You got to wrap things up for me.

What do you say, Tweed?

What about dinner?

Yeah.

You know, there's a nice little place down here

called Mom's, got the best ribs in town.

You know, got pork, got beef, got a good chili going with it.

You know what I mean? They got some --

They got some chicken there that's out of sight.

They also have some sweet potato pie there that'll knock you out,

some lemon cake, oh, my God.

But you look like you put on a couple pounds.

Things haven't been all that bad, have they?

LESLIE: Well, I just eat at wrong times.

I eat enough but just not at the right times.

[ "Wrestling Tonight" plays ]

♪ Captain Carnage ♪

♪ Dr. Tweed ♪

♪ The Mask, Miss Linda, and Adrian Street ♪

♪ The Human Bomb Shelter ♪

♪ Jake "The Snake" ♪

♪ Ask Mad Dog De Curso if it's real or fake ♪

♪ "Golden Greek" Tolos ♪

♪ The Giant Goon ♪

♪ Dick Kopf, El Toro ♪

♪ The Grunt Brothers, too ♪

♪ The Wild Samoans got something crazy going ♪

♪ They're gonna be going after you, you, you ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Flying dropkick, suplex, mare ♪

♪ Stomping on the throat and pulling on the hair ♪

♪ Figure-four scissors, backbreaker, knee ♪

♪ It's down for the count, and it's one, two, three ♪

♪ Interview time between each match ♪

♪ Stay tuned, can't tell who you might catch ♪

♪ Why, look what dropped in just to say howdy ♪

♪ It's the tricky Dicky Murdoch, and he's gonna get rowdy ♪

Hey, all you kids.

You think you're so beautiful.

Not exercising every day.

Well, look at these shoulders.

Look at these pecs.

Look at this neck.

Look at this head.

♪ Gorgeous George ♪

♪ Freddie Blassie, all so classy ♪

♪ Set the stage for the ♪

♪ Current rage ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life, life, life, life ♪

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

Rock 'n' roll!

♪ Wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Everything is bigger than life ♪

♪ And it's wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' rolling and wrestling tonight ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll and wrestling ♪