Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014) Movie Script

Meow.

* Deck the halls

with boughs of holly, *

* fa la la la la la

la la la... *

* This the season to be jolly, *

* Don we now our...

Mmm, no.

That song makes my tail hurt.

Deck the halls?

Deck me in the face.

* I want a hippop

Now that's a Christmas song.

Hello, hi, how are you?

Welcome to Grumpy Cat's

Worst Christmas Ever.

The movie.

You don't have to watch it

but I know you're going to, so.

If you do you might

be treated to

high speed car chases.

Meow, meow!

Out of my way buddy!

Pull over, Grumpy!

We've got you surrounded.

Huge explosions.

Boom.

Bang.

That was huge.

A hero in a leotard and cape

who saves the world.

And who doesn't look like

a puppet.

At all.

* Anyway, I only mention those

things to get your hopes up.

That way I can enjoy

your disappointment

when you realize this movie

is just a sappy melodrama

mostly about me, Grumpy Cat.

You're welcome.

God, this is already annoying.

Anyway, our terrible story

begins here.

At this big thing called a mall.

It's a soul sucking bastion

of consumerism

which serves to drain people's

bank accounts

and alienate them from

the true meaning of life.

In other words I love it.

Look at me, see?

See? Can't you tell

that I love it?

I love it because it's evil,

okay?

This is where I call home.

Customer!

Choose me!

I never get chosen.

Grovelers.

They all think some human

is going to walk in here

and purchase one of them.

Ha!

Welcome to Whiskers,

where the animals don't bite...

Unless provoked.

Humph!

Over here, pick me!

Don't buy into the hype

about snakes!

That's Carla.

The happiest snake

on the planet.

So, you know,

already not a big fan.

I am totally cool, promise.

Hey lady!

Over here!

I'm cuter!

Plus I chew chair legs,

shoes, leather purses.

Darn, almost had her.

That's Jacky.

He's super hyper

and super annoying,

plus he's a dog, so...

I don't like him.

You can ignore them, madam.

I'm well bred and well read.

I can even talk.

Hands in the air, sucker!

So, that's Wilson.

A very stupid parrot.

Oh, did I mention that

I'm easy to clean up after?

All I require is a newspaper

subscription for the mess

I make in my cage.

Wait, where are you going?

Oh drat.

Not going to happen, people.

We're all going to die in here.

Hey, check out this spin class

of one, lady!

See these hamster hamstrings?

They're like sinewy

pistons of steel.

That's Lance.

He looks like a rat but

I guess he's a gerbil,

a gym rat gerbil.

Woo, work it down, work it up!

Take it up, work it back!

Work it down, work it up!

Take it up, work it back!

Me, I don't want to leave.

I'm grumpy right where I am.

Better not to get your hopes up.

Told you, she's just buying

fish food.

Grumpy, you are a jerk.

And you, honey, are delusional.

At least we weren't returned

twice like you, Grumpy.

Twice.

All she does is frown.

And all he does is whine

about it,

am I right mom?

She does seem a little grumpy.

Can I trade her for a fish?

As if that bothered me.

I never even think

about those people.

I'm a superstar.

*

Super model, super dog,

super hair, super fur.

*

Oh, I just love me.

What the heck are you?

A science experiment gone bad?

More like a science

experiment gone right.

Check out my beautiful locks,

they flow like a waterfall.

Woosh!

Freak.

Customer!

I'm available!

Customer, over here!

Choose me, choose me!

Hi, you must be Marcus.

I'm Gill Brockman,

your new mall rep.

What can I do for you?

There's just the small matter

of your rent being in arrears,

deadbeat.

Uh, did you just call me

a deadbeat?

Deadbeat? No, of course not.

Loser.

Okay, now I heard you

call me a loser.

Why would I call you that?

I don't know.

Because you haven't met

your financial obligations

in a timely manner and

I'm going to evict you?

Wait, what?

Are you saying I could lose

my terrible home?

Gill, I can assure you

I will have your money

by the day after tomorrow.

Thank you, Marcus.

You're a saviour.

You are seriously behind,

how do you plan to do that?

You see this cat?

Who, me?

I plan to make her the most

famous internet meme

of all time.

Work it, show me sexy.

Now show me danger,

just like that.

Show me fierce.

Jubilation.

Overjoyed.

You're a little girl

on a spring day.

Sushi.

Lots of sushi.

I'm a natural.

All we need is a picture of

Grumpy saying something like

uh I had fun once, it was awful.

I mean, you put that on

the internet thingamabob

and that is sure to go viral.

Her face will launch

a thousand products.

Everything from t-shirts

to coffee mugs.

After that, TV appearances

and oh, I don't know, maybe

a Lifetime movie.

You are a genius!

Like any of that would

really happen.

Me? Become an internet

celebrity?

I mean, wouldn't I need

to have some sort of talent

like this guy?

*

Or this weirdo?

Or whatever this is?

Yeah, I can't do any

of that stuff.

So, I'm revising the previous

scene, okay?

You are seriously behind,

how do you plan to do that?

With this dog.

Hi there.

Oh, is that what you are.

He just happens to be the

most expensive Leonberger

in the world.

Let that sink in, kitty cat.

Someone would actually

pay for you?

He's worth a million dollars,

whoops.

Shut the front door.

Shut the back door too.

Shut all the doors.

A million? Really?

With an M?

That sounds like a MacGuffin

to me, whatever that means.

I call that a bargain.

I should be worth a billion,

with a B.

Buh.

I've got a buyer and guess

what that money

is going to put me back

in the black.

Why didn't you say that

in the first place?

I think the words you're

looking for are thank you.

Yeah, the press are coming

by this afternoon

and they're doing a big story

on how he saved Whiskers.

Yeah.

Then I guess we have nothing

else to discuss.

Too de loo.

Merry Christmas!

Loser.

What did you say?

What did I say?

Merry Christmas, sir.

Merry Christmas.

Deadbeat.

Um, we didn't formally meet.

I'm Jo-Jo.

Oh, my name is I don't care.

Oh, yes.

Wait a minute, that thing

gets the prime real estate?

Oh, this is where I belong.

In the spotlight for all to see.

Go ahead, feel free

to take photos.

Selfies are extra.

What am I, tuna tartare?

I've never had that spot.

And I've been here the longest!

Maybe it's because

you don't smile.

Brat.

Time to meet our awful

movie's heroine.

There she is, look at her.

Hahaha!

With second billing behind me,

Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat.

This is Crystal.

Humanity's last hope

on a dying planet.

Oh, I'm sorry, too much?

Alright, she's an evolved

organism with a heart of gold.

My least favourite trait

but facts are facts.

And this story is nothing

if not factual.

You know, like Santa Claus.

Hey Roger!

Hello Crystal!

You're fat.

You're not exactly anorexic.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Yo Mat, what's up?

Living the dream.

Hey Monica.

Hey Crystal, how was

school today?

Ola, Alejandro.

Como estas?

Feliz Navidad!

Here's your turkey and swiss,

Wiffledorf.

I will be Jesse again in a few

hours when I get off work.

Oh, you'll always be Wiffledorf

to me.

Ouch.

Speaking of which my feet

are killing me.

Any chance you can use

your in with Santa

to get mama a new pair of shoes

for Christmas?

Blah, blah, blah, b-story,

not my line, not my line,

not my line.

Meow.

I would but Santa and I are

not on speaking terms right now.

What? Why?

Guy's a slave driver.

Always on our backs.

You would not believe

the working conditions.

Really?

Two words. Sweat shop.

So, I've actually led a revolt

to unionize the North Pole.

Will you get it worked out

before Christmas?

I hope so.

For the tots.

Dude, are you ever going

to eat that sandwich?

Mmm, is that turkey?

But that's not to say that

a certain little elf

wouldn't love to build you a

new pair while he's on strike.

Be careful flirting with me.

Last time that happened it ended

in a spectacularly

awful divorce.

Huh.

Have you given any more thought

to the party tonight?

Everyone's coming.

You mean, like the other elves?

The Cinnabon crew?

That's exactly who I mean.

All the cool kids.

Come on, stupid Christmas games,

ugly sweater contest.

Oh, just say yes already mom.

The poor guy's been trying

to ask you out for a month.

Alright.

Yes!

I'll go.

But only if you come with me.

Ulgh!

Fine.

But don't try and pull anything,

I'll be watching.

Crystal.

I've got to go I'm late

for work.

Hang on.

We talked about you making

some friends at your new school.

How's that going?

Great, today I totally nodded to

the girls locker next to mine.

Does that count?

Totally try harder.

Okay. Can I go now?

Isn't she a little young

to have a job?

Oh, that's just

what she calls it.

She's helping out

at the pet store.

I just wish she hung out

with some actual people

for a change you know.

One's her own age preferably.

Probably just needs time.

This will be her first Christmas

without seeing her dad.

Ah.

The dirtbag.

Don't forget your sweater.

Meow.

Oh yeah, when I smell it it

makes me feel like

I'm actually in Paris.

It's our most popular seller.

And then there's George.

AKA the Ladykiller.

Well, if only I had a special

lady friend to give it to I...

Hey, did you hear about

my latest bust?

No, sorry.

What, are you kidding?

Everyone's talking about it!

Oh yeah, the perp was 14

but he was big.

I mean, he had you know

man muscles.

Obviously he pumped iron,

of course so do I.

Anyway, something about his

behaviour didn't add up

he was lingering around the

fancy jean section too long

and between you and me he

didn't look like the kind of kid

who could afford them.

Is that profiling?

Well, maybe. Did it

work this time?

You bet your butt it did.

Well, the minute those

jeans went

into the knapsack it was on.

I mean, he tried to get away but

obviously I'm pretty agile so.

George, thanks for visiting

but I need to take my break.

Oh yeah.

Oh, sure of course hey man

you've been on your

feet all day.

I'll go prevent some crime.

Okay. Okay.

No rascal today, George?

Hey, Crystal.

How many times have I told you

it is an ARV

or for those people not

in the biz,

: Asset Recovery Vehicle.

But don't you need it

to chase bad guys?

I'm leveling the playing field.

Let them think they have

a chance.

But we know they don't!

That's right.

* You want that money baby,

* that's right you know

who got it. *

* Got so much money baby,

can't even close my wallet. *

* Hanging on Sunset daily

* yeah I can take

you shopping... *

Hi!

I'm Crystal.

We have fifth period together?

So?

Well, I was thinking we

could maybe put together

like a study group or something.

It could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

I'll definitely RSVP no to that.

Do we look like

a bunch of nerds?

What a dork.

As if we actually need

to get smarter.

Ah, the youth.

They'd better hope

to marry rich.

And then there's Zach and Donny,

the future of our great country.

Think she'll like it, Zach?

As if you value my opinion.

God help us all.

It's band issues.

It's nice, I just can't have

the fiancee of Dragon Tail's

lead singer wearing

something so...

Dainty?

Yeah, dainty.

Dainty!

Show me the biggest rock

you got.

We did just sign a major

recording contract.

* You know you want it!

* You know I got it!

* This ain't no -

Dude! We're in the middle

of a thing!

Oh, you don't like my singing?

Surprise, surprise.

Now is really not the time,

Zach.

I have just the thing.

And it's big.

It's 8,000.

That's it?

Well, we're not exactly

Tiffany's.

Dude, what is

with all the angst?

I wanted to be the one

pretending to get married.

But everything has

to be your way,

just like what songs we sing

in the garage.

Because I'm the frontman

with the golden voice.

* Yeah!

And you're the bass player

with the fat fingers.

I do not have fat fingers.

Anybody can do this.

Oh, that's me?

Oh, you're doing me right now?

Oh, yeah well no one shreds

killer base solos the way I do.

Pow!

* Boom, boom, boom, boom!

* Boom boom!

* Yeah!

* What!

Never mind.

Good luck trying to find someone

who can do that on our

upcoming tour.

Hello.

There's not going to be a tour.

We hit that jewelry store

we're looking at 50 G's tops.

You can't get a bus with that.

Well, how are we going to bring

our music

to our audiences?

Did you ever in your wildest

imagination think

that a dog would be worth

one million dollars?

Well, a Leonberger this rare

and with championship bloodlines

well that makes it truly

one of a kind.

Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

Yeah, that's one trippy

looking dog.

Hey, want to see him run?

Oh, we'd love to see him run.

Come on.

There you go folks, this is

a million dollars running down

a hallway.

Meanwhile, Crystal found herself

wandering amid the shoppers,

past the kiosks, hoping to make

sense of what it is

to be a little girl who though

gentle and kind to all

is shunned by her peers.

I think somebody could use

a caramel machiatto

with extra whip.

Well, that sounded like

the weight of the world.

You're not Roger.

What gave it away?

I know, I'm just filling in for

him while he picks up his mom

from the airport.

The sleighs in the shop.

I usually work Westbrook

Mall but you know,

us Santa's try and help

each other out.

Well, it's nice to know that

you Santa's of the world

are still decent to your fellow

human beings.

Wow, that's depressing.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

Some people are mean

for no reason.

And they get a lump of coal

in their stocking.

Luckily, people like you get

special compensation

from people like me

this time of year.

Is that chocolate?

No, are you kidding me?

That's a magical Christmas coin.

I hand them out to people

who would otherwise

have a crappy Christmas.

Because this is so much better

than a sweet computer.

Yes.

Or a bike?

That is correct.

Or anything?

Duh. Infinitely better.

Look. Make a Christmas wish.

All you do is you make a wish

and you toss it into a fountain.

Any fountain will do.

You could use a toilet bowl

in a pinch.

Does that work?

Yeah, it's a wishing well.

Should work just fine.

Thanks but I don't really...

Believe in mall Santa Claus's?

That's not to say that I judge

you for wanting

to make a little extra money

over the holidays.

Look, you don't have

to believe in me

but what you do have to do is

put your wish out

into the universe.

You can't claim it

if you can't name it!

I got that from

the Easter Bunny.

Or is it Tooth Fairy?

Whatever, it was

at a convention.

Anyway, what do you say,

Crystal?

How did you know my name?

Lets just say your name's

on the list.

Did Jesse put you up to this?

Look, wish first then coin.

That's what it says in

the instruction booklet.

Oh, and if your wish rhymes

you get extra Christmas mojo.

That's really corny.

Corny's good.

Corny's my stock and trade.

I do corny very well.

Just give it a try.

You do realize this is just

a little girl

humouring an old man right?

That's awesome.

For my Christmas wish I wish...

I wish I'd meet a friend,

one who listens to me

and on whom I can depend.

Happy?

Santa dude?

I can see you right there.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No, it's not me.

I'm magical.

Dumb.

Never works.

Customer! Customer!

Customer!

Bird for sale!

Customer!

Hey Grumpy.

Hey hey, I like those

boots girl.

Yeah, you looking good.

Oh, very funny Corben.

Oh, hey Crystal.

Yeah, he's here for the rest

of the week folks so come on by.

I've got a really big sale

on hamsters and snakes,

although not necessarily

together though

because that would be bad

for the hamster.

You wouldn't really eat me,

would you Carla?

But of course not.

I am a gopher snake.

You look nothing like a gopher.

Really?

Phew, that's good to know.

Alright. Thanks!

Customer!

Over here!

Hey, Mr. Crabtree.

Hey Crystal, say hello

to Jo-Jo.

Hey boy.

He's beautiful, isn't he?

Beautiful?

On what planet, Planet Ugly?

Meow.

Yeah, he's also got a buyer

which means

Whiskers will be staying open

for a long time to come.

You know, if it wasn't for him

we would be out of business.

You're a superhero, Jo-Jo.

Yeah, he's the best thing to

happen to me in a long time.

I'm not going to lie to you,

it's been hard since

I lost my Shirley.

She was my rock, my world,

my everything.

Truth is I, uh, I've neglected

this place.

But it's only because

I've been in so much pain.

Ugh, I'm in so much pain

listening to your sob story

I wish you'd put me to sleep.

This is animal cruelty.

Do the humane thing,

give me the gas.

Who is saying that?

Saying what?

I thought I heard somebody say

that they were in so much pain

from listening to your sob story

that they wanted

to be put to sleep.

Huh.

Well, forgive me for sharing.

No, I didn't mean!

I mean, I didn't say.

Excuse me, I need to go find

a suitable carrier for Jo-Jo.

Made of gold I presume?

Meow.

It's you!

Who, me?

Say that again.

Okay, I don't know what's

happening here

but I don't like it.

You are talking to me.

What are you, some kind

of blond witch?

You can't understand me!

I heard all of that.

No you didn't!

Yes, I did!

Well, stop it!

You stop it!

You stop it, witch!

Are you having a conversation

with the girl?

Tell her I'm available.

And apparently on sale.

Ooh, let her know I'll repeat

any stupid thing she wants.

My skin sheds!

Will you shut up!

You shut up!

It's cool.

I talk to the bird.

Hands in the air, sucker!

Yeah.

I wasn't talking to you,

I was talking to them.

Wait, you can talk

to the animals too?

Ugh, don't act high and mighty

just because you're at the top

of the food chain, honey.

But I can only hear you.

Well, that's a good thing,

trust me.

I'm the only one worth

listening to.

They're all very stupid

and annoying.

I'm not annoying.

I'm awesome, and full of energy!

I can play non-stop

for hours and hours

and hours and hours!

Oh God, calm down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch the fur!

Meow.

Okay Grumpy Cat, why can

I suddenly understand you?

Um, why are you asking me?

You think I want people knowing

how I really feel about them?

Believe me, that's the last

thing I would wish for.

Wish.

I tossed a magic coin into a

wishing well and made a wish!

Okay, I'm embarrassed for you.

You are a loser.

But I wanted a person,

not a cat.

Hey, look at the freak

having a conversation

with the little kitty.

Having a nice chat

with your cat?

Oh, you rhymed chat with cat.

Very smart.

Except you're terrible

human beings.

Meow.

I need to talk to Santa.

There's a line and no cutsies,

North Pole...

Policy...

A Porsche?

A real Porsche?

Roger?

What's up? I have customers.

Yeah, he's got customers.

And we're not going anywhere

until he hears our entire list.

: Us Santa's try and help

each other out.

But Roger, I thought you had

to pick up your mom

at the airport for the holidays?

Actually, I live with my mom.

So do we.

She's a really good cook.

You don't have to believe in

me but what you do have to do

is put your wish out

into the universe.

Roger, do you know the Santa

from the Westbrook Mall?

Westbrook closed awhile ago

for renovations.

Everyone knows that.

Are you dumb or something?

: Haha! She's dumb!

I hate my life.

Crystal had been mesmerized

by a magic talking

distractingly beautiful cat,

whose telepathic communications

not only troubled her young mind

but also drew her like a moth

to a flame.

Back to the origins of this

great mystery.

Problem is she also promised

to go

to Jesse's stupid

Christmas party.

Oooh... No!

Tabby, Handerpants!

You know you want them.

One of a kind!

No shower gel dispenser!

No!

No.

Oh, I'm going to have to go

with the fruitcake!

Nice get, but you completely

missed these.

My awesome set of seaworthy

salt and pepper shakers.

You dog, you were hiding those.

Hell no, Jesse.

Salt and pepper shakers.

What?

The price of greed, my friend.

Come to me, Crystal.

You are powerless to resist me.

Meow.

Your turn, Jesse.

I'm just going to take

that fruitcake.

Oh, you wouldn't!

I did.

All's fair, all's fair.

You don't even like fruitcake.

Nobody likes fruitcake,

just come on.

Let it go.

Fine.

Handerpants, please.

Why are the Cinnabon employees

always the last to leave?

Because they're up all night

making those delicious

sticky buns.

Oh.

They should really lock this.

Yeah, but then

we wouldn't be able to -

Stop.

Okay.

Grumpy!

Meow!

Did I scare you?

What gave it away?

My scream of sheer terror

or the puddle of pee?

And lower your voice,

I don't want those other

freaks to wake up.

Don't even think about it.

Yeah, Paul Blart!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! No!

You're making a big mistake!

Where are the master keys?

I will never tell.

We can do this the easy way,

or the hard way.

Oh, hey lets do it the easy way.

They're right on the hook

over there.

Oh, is it these ones?

That sounds a lot like yes

so I'm going to go with that.

* You know you want it!

* You know I got it!

* This ain't no...

Haha, you were great man.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing here anyway?

Trying to figure out what

the heck is going on with us.

What's going on is that

you're bothering me.

I was sleeping.

How did you even get in?

Reveal yourself, witch!

You stole the key.

Borrowed!

Don't give me that look.

What look?

That look of judgement

you're giving me.

This is my look of

tacit approval.

Well, whatever.

We really need to figure

this talking thing out.

Okay, but it's worth pointing

out you really screwed up

your big wish.

Why wouldn't your first choice

be an unlimited supply of tuna?

Another, mademoiselle

Grumpy Cat?

Oui, oui, just keep them coming

until I pass out.

Because I don't like tuna?

Huh, your loss.

David Lee Roth, Gary Cherone

or Sammy Hagar?

Oh, it's not even an argument.

Sammy Hagar is clearly

Van Halen's best lead singer.

What?

Gary Cherone blows

that hack away.

Most people don't even know

who Gary Cherone is.

How dare you minimize

his contribution.

Oh, he was the lead singer

for one very forgettable album.

That's a weird cat.

You're weird.

Meow.

Huh, yeah.

Hey, there he is.

Wow, freaky looking

and a terrible guard dog.

Oh, time for a walk?

Whoa, this is awesome.

They're stealing the dog.

I love these dudes.

Okay, not only is Gary Cherone

the better vocalist

but I bet my favourite amp

he could totally beat Hagar

in a kung fu fight!

Oh, I'd take that bet.

Seriously?

Alright, all we've got to do

is get them in the same room.

We can't let them steal

Jo-Jo!

Just to play devils

advo-cat,

what if we let them

steal Jo-Jo?

It's dead!

I don't care about that.

They left their keys!

Okay, freeze.

At this point things could

have gone two ways.

The fast way which goes

like this.

I raced out of the pet store

with Crystal in tow

and knowing that precious

moments were ticking away

like a ticking time bomb I flew

like the desert wind

toward a building

that looked official.

Again with Crystal in tow,

where I alerted the authorities

to the crime in progress.

Within moments the culprits

were apprehended.

Ow, that really hurt!

You're welcome, police.

Okay, that's enough.

Me and my sidekick who

barely did anything

were hailed as heroes,

thank god for me.

But that would mean

a pretty short movie

and a lot less advertising

revenue so luckily,

and through no persuasion

on my part, it went like this.

They left their keys!

Put those back, they're going

to need them.

But if they steal Jo-Jo,

Whiskers will go out

of business.

And?

And this is the only place

where I don't have to worry

about being accepted.

Uh, so?

I can just be me.

I'm sure you can get the same

warm and fuzzies

at the library.

But if Mr. Crabtree has to close

do you have any idea what

that means for you?

I'm sure he'd take me in.

I'd make a fine house cat,

I know I would.

Yeah, because you've had

a lot of luck with that.

Please, Mr. Crabtree,

don't do it.

Don't do it Mr. Crabtree!

No!

You're a horrible man.

: Freeze, kitty cat.

Hey man, I'm innocent!

It was the other cat,

the calico with the lisp!

What about that one, daddy?

She looks like the kind of cat -

Who would make

the best pet ever?

That would smother you

in your sleep.

Lets keep looking.

That's a pretty one.

Don't worry, it's not going

to hurt.

This is way too dark.

No!

Well?

Oh, I'm alive. Great.

Can I have some more time

to think about it?

No.

Alright, fine.

I'm back, what's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening,

I just rolled around in some

catnip and I'm ready to go.

Lets do this!

There they are, Donny and Zach.

They are psyched!

They just stole a million dollar

mutt from Mr. Crabtree's store.

Nice.

That was easier than getting

a record company

to listen to our demo.

Bro, we are going to get so

much bank for this pooch.

Yeah!

Woo!

That's why I'm the captain

of this ship

and you are the matey.

Are we pirates?

What?

Are you saying we're pirates?

No.

I'm the guy, and you're

the guy behind the guy.

Like if this was Nirvana I would

be Kurt Cobain

and you would be the bass player

with the really long name.

Can't it be more like

Cliff Burton,

James Hetfield kind of thing?

You know like, I'm one

and you're the other.

Where are my keys?

They're not here.

Oh, good job Kurt Cobain.

Nice looking out, Zach.

What?

How is this on me?

Because you're supposed to

be the lookout guy, right?

You're supposed to be

looking out for stuff like this.

I hate you, you know that?

I'm going to start my own band

and I'm going to call it

Tail of the Dragon.

You can't do that, my band

is Dragon Tail

there's going to be some serious

market confusion.

Oh, well I already

legal zoomed it, so.

Ouch!

Sweet Caroline, that was

my finger plucking hand.

What the heck are you doing?

I was going to hot wire

your car.

Hey, do you know how to do that?

Oh, no.

But it's easy, I saw it on TV.

You just take...

zzz, with the wires.

Don't ever touch my car again!

Okay.

I know where my keys are,

they're on top of the fish tank.

Why didn't you tell me

that before?

Come on, man!

My hand really hurts!

At that very moment Crystal

and I were wracking our brains

trying to formulate the perfect

plan for a daring rescue.

And then it came to me.

How about this plan,

we let them steal Jo-Jo

and then we nap.

No, you're coming with me.

Oh, great.

Who's doing the kidnapping

now, huh?

You're as bad as them!

Quick thought, you should

take Carla.

A snake is a lot scarier.

I'm not scary, I am fun

and I am charming

and I like long slithers

on the beach.

Lets go, we need

to find security.

Move your dumb butt.

Yuh oh, off screen voices

of bad guys.

Hey, that's weird.

I swear I put my keys

right here.

Why don't you ask that sad cat,

he was watching the whole time.

Yeah, that's really helpful

Zach.

Look at the fish following

my fingers.

I'm the fish whisperer!

Where is that cat?

Hmm, wonder if they know

they're not the only ones here.

We're not the only ones here.

Aliens.

Come on.

At least I'm getting

some cardio.

What do we do?

Uh, I'm thinking

you know give up?

Let the failure wash over us?

Does this mean stop

or go forward?

Everybody knows this means stop.

Oh, everybody?

Hey, stop!

I like this place.

Hey, maybe we'll bag

a deer later.

Just keep an eye out.

I may be grumpy but I'm still

a cat, okay?

My focus is exceptional.

Whoa!

Oh man, thought that was my mom.

Who puts a grizzly bear

in the middle of an aisle?

I hate nature.

Hey, check it out.

Did you hear something?

Um, yeah.

The sound of your heart beating

through your chest.

Oh, shiny little fishies.

Yum num num.

Shiny little fishies, shiny

little fishies, ah, got ya!

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

Look, look, wait hold on.

Meow!

Ow.

Hey, over there.

Are you trying to get us caught?

Hello?

I'm sorry, it bit me.

You turned on the

Christmas village

like one scene ago, hypocrite.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Stay here.

Right, you get the s'mores,

I'll start the hot chocolate.

Actually I'm going to use you

as a decoy.

Wait a second, that sounds bad

for me.

Just sit here and look bored

to death.

Yeah, yeah, play

to my strengths.

I get it.

I just want my keys, yo.

We know you have them

because you've been running

from us and that makes

us point the finger at you.

We're not going to hurt you!

But only if you give them up now

because later is going

to be too late.

Yeah!

We'll be a lot madder then.

Why are you doing that?

Shh!

Ah! Gotcha!

Hello, gentleman.

What's that weird cat.

I'm a decoy.

This isn't about me.

Bye bye.

Dude, grab him,

he stole your keys.

Stole your keys?

Did you really think

that through?

I have no thumbs.

Come here, kitty kitty.

Nab him, yo.

Ow!

Well, I'm out of here.

Ah!

It's too noisy in here!

Ow!

Dude, we got to get

outta here!

Meow! Meow! Meow!

So sorry to interrupt.

We may be taking some

creative license

with what actually

happened here.

Get out of here,

British Grumpy Cat!

Oh, real Grumpy.

Don't be absurd.

They don't even make paintball

guns for cats.

Craft departments do.

Die, bad guys!

Meow! Meow!

Die!

I overstayed my welcome

obviously.

Toodles, I'll be in your head.

Meow! Meow!

We're going to die!

Dude, if we can get through

Stairway to Heaven

without any mess up

we can do anything

and that includes

getting out of this.

I have an idea.

Hurry back!

Meow, meow, meow!

Hey, where's the dog?

Oh, I'm out.

Adios muchachos.

Oh, how the hunted

becomes the hunter.

* Yeahhhhhhhhhhh!

Donny!

I'm coming for you, big guy!

* Ahhhhh!

: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

That looks like it hurts.

Because it does.

Coming for you,

paintball vigilante!

As soon as I pull this arrow out

of my bros foot.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, you get back here.

Which way did he go?

Oh that looks bad.

Come on!

Terrible Movie, She Wrote.

By Grumpy Fat.

Oh crap, damn it.

Never mind.

Chapter 4.

Meow! Meow!

Villains peppered with paint

and on the hunt.

Which way did he go?

A million dollar doggy

on the loose.

You'll never get me!

A courageous Crystal

hides the dog nappers keys

as the witty kitty

continues to quip.

Isn't that where all dreams

go to die?

It'll have to do.

And this guy pulls up

in his car.

Wait a minute, what's

the landlord guy doing here?

Red herring?

Or plot point?

You decide!

Hello there.

Lets wrestle!

Yum, yum, yummy.

Ugh, stop it.

You're kissing me to death,

stop it!

Stop it!

Hey.

Hi ho.

You're that expensive dog.

My reputation precedes me.

What is this, a jailbreak boy?

Uh huh, yeah.

Come on.

UGH!

Later gators!

Gotcha!

What is your problem?

Our problem?

How would you like it if we shot

you with a paintball gun?

Mmh-mmh.

I wouldn't.

Of course not!

Because it hurts!

And it isn't nice.

I'm glad we can agree on that.

Can you let me up now?

What did you do

with my car keys?

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Zach, punch him in the face.

What?

Mmm.

What?

My hand still hurts

from punching your car

and these are my money makers.

We haven't made a dime

from our music yet.

Well why don't you punch him,

you don't even play

an instrument.

My voice is an instrument,

you hit him.

Hit him!

Okay!

Ow! Ow!

Oh man, I think it's broken.

I think it hurt me more than

it hurt you.

No, I don't think that's true

at all.

So, are you going to tell me

where my car keys are

or are we going to have

to amp this up?

I don't know anything

about your stupid keys!

Wait!

Honestly guys, I just came back

to get my laptop

out of my office.

It's not really an office,

it's more of a cubicle.

Oh god!

That is quite the drop.

Jail break! Jail break!

Jail break!

George!

Well, somebody finally figured

out a way to shut him up.

You're going to regret that.

Ow!

Oh, oh my god.

There's scissors there.

Are you okay?

What happened?

These two guys jumped me

while I was rewriting

the policies and procedures

hand book.

Here we go.

I think they had ninja training

but I drop kicked the first one,

and then I hit the second one

in the Adam's apple.

Do you have a half hour,

Crystal?

Because I don't.

And that's when they pulled

their guns, big ones.

And everybody knows

that I'm a tough guy

and I'm ready to throw

down with the best of them

but I am smart enough to know

that I am no match

for a bullet.

Well, they're trying

to steal Jo-Jo!

What's a Jo-Jo?

Super dog, super hound,

super model...

Hi!

That's Jo-Jo!

Back so soon, gorgeous?

Yeah well, those guys

were ignoring me.

A dog?

Why would they try to steal

a dog and not some diamonds

or something from

the jewelry store?

Mmm, that feels good.

Well, he's worth a lot of money.

How much money?

A lot!

Yeah, a lot.

And now they're after me

because I stole their car keys!

I'm what's stopping them

from getting away!

12 year old girl thwarted

the robbery.

Hey, she couldn't have done it

without me.

George, we have

to call the police.

We can't, they pulled out

the phone lines.

But don't you have a cell phone?

Well, they took it.

Well, what are we going to do?

Wait a minute,

how did you get here?

My bike.

Okay, here's what we're

going to do.

We're going to get you back

to your transportation,

then you go for help.

Come on, and oh you've got

a little kitty there.

Alright.

And here, I'll take care of

the dog and the mall

until the cops arrive.

Is there a bathroom here?

Are you sure you don't want

to come with me?

Oh no, Crystal, I took an oath

to protect this place

and that is exactly

what I'm going to do.

Oh.

Guys, I swear, I didn't have

anything to do

with shooting you!

And frankly, I want you

to steal that dog.

No, seriously.

My company wants to get rid

of that pet shop

and put a Club Chicken in there.

I love those sweet

chicky nuggets!

See?

So, it's a win win.

I'll look the other way,

I never saw anything,

you guys were never here.

Donny, can I have a word?

He sounds pretty convincing.

I'm starting to think

maybe he's telling the truth.

Because I am telling the truth.

You, shut up.

It's cool, I'm sorry.

What did I just say?

I think you might be right.

Hell ya I'm right.

Why do you think I'm right?

I just realized if he was the

one shooting us with paintballs

wouldn't he have paint residue

on his hands?

No residue, I'm clean.

You're like a one man CSI team.

Okay, so here's the thing.

Donny and I talked

and it looks like

this whole thing has been a big

misunderstanding.

Hey, no hard feelings.

Are you sure?

Because I did punch you in

the face and I threatened

to throw you over the railing.

That's already forgotten.

Oh, I feel guilty.

Don't. Honest mistake.

Awesome.

You are awesome.

We should totally kick

it sometime,

what are you into?

Oh, frisbee golf!

Zach, do you want to wrap it up?

If he's not the guy that means

there's another guy.

Where's the dog?

I thought you had him.

Do I have to do everything?

Oh, like lose the keys?

Just go get the dog.

What are we going to do

about him?

As much as we'd like

to let you go,

we can't.

Oh.

Shh.

Some are born great,

others achieve greatness

and some watch

Christmas movies starring cats.

I think you know who you are.

Meow.

What were you doing in the

mall this time of night anyway?

This is going to sound

really crazy.

Try me.

It's stupid.

Come on, I'm a good listener.

Well, I can't believe

I'm going to admit this

but I came to talk to the cat.

The cat?

Yes, the cat.

I thought you said you were

a good listener, George.

We understand each other.

With the way things have

been going in my life right now

I can't say that about

too many people.

My dad left my mom

for a barista,

he barely calls anymore.

Last time he did he said they

were talking about

getting married and

starting their own family.

Wow.

Divorce can be tough,

especially on a kid.

But a cat? Really?

She wasn't my first choice.

Um, I'm right here.

But we have a connection.

We can communicate

in our own way,

and I know it's weird

but there's something

kind of great about her.

Oh, don't get sappy on me.

Wait, I forgot, it's a Lifetime

movie, you can.

I wish I had a friend.

Law enforcement,

it's a lonely business.

Occupational hazard I suppose.

See, there's the schmaltz

I was looking for.

You kind of feel

for the big guy, huh?

I'm glad we had this talk,

George.

Oh yeah, me too kiddo.

You know, you just you've

got to hang in there that's all.

Okay, look.

Here is your stop,

I can take it from here.

Hey, don't forget your cat huh?

Thanks.

How about another walk?

Or a chew toy.

What, you're still here?

I am so not going to miss you.

Forget you, forgot you,

never thought about you.

Be safe, George.

I live for safety, Crystal.

Oh hey, real quick,

when the cops come

where should I tell them

you put those keys?

Huh.

I thought you said they took

your phone?

Oh yeah, this is awkward.

I thought they did too

but oh I'm so embarrassed,

must be from the concussion from

when they hit me on the head.

You never said they hit you.

Oh, I left that out well you

know it all happened so quick.

Well, this is great.

We can call the police

now right?

We're not calling

the police, Crystal.

George, you devious scoundrel!

You're the brains of this

operation, aren't you?

Look, I've got to say I totally

saw that coming

but you didn't huh?

Where are the keys, Crystal?

How could you do this, George?

Well, that is a long,

complicated story

which we can get

into another time.

Ow! Ow!

Oh!

Ow, how did this escalate

so quickly?

Mom? I can't talk right now,

I'm at work.

Yes, yes, I need a ride home.

I need a ride home every time,

why must we have this

conversation every single,

every single time.

Here doggy doggy doggy!

Oh, hey boss, what's up?

Oh hi, I'm just checking to see

how everything's going.

It's going great, we're

like a well oiled machine.

This plans full proof.

Nailed it.

Really?

Well, aren't you the least bit

curious

as to how I can be talking to

you on the phone right now

when I'm supposed to be

taped to a chair.

Well, that's a very

good question.

Well, see this nice little

12 year old girl untied me.

Well, that was cool of her.

The same girl who took

your keys.

That's impossible, the guy

who stole our keys

was probably an ex-Navy Seal

or something.

He shot me in the butt.

You should have seen the way

he handled the paintball gun.

It was a child, you idiot!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

UGH!

You okay, George?

Okay.

I'm starting to think that based

on all the times

that I busted you guys around

here for stupid stuff,

combined with the debacle of

what happened tonight,

I don't believe that you are

cut out for a life of crime.

I think we're good at it.

Whose idea was it

to steal the dog?

George, it was a way

bigger score.

I didn't need a bigger score,

all I needed was enough money

for a downpayment on a house

for when I retire next month.

But now thanks to you two

numbskulls

a 12 year old girl is leading

your bigger score out of here!

So.

We should probably...

Prevent her from doing that.

Now.

Mmmhmm.

Oh, now.

I think he might be angry

with you.

And the winner of worst

Christmas sweater goes to,

master of the chicken

quesadilla,

Taco Gigante's employee of

the month Alejandro Rodriguez!

Congratulations, I knew

you had it in you.

Speech!

Thank you JC, thank you Academy

and thank you family.

Aww!

You know, life is like

a soft taco.

If you dig inside the meat --

the protein of your choice

and the salsa added

to your specification

of mild, medium or caliente you

find the strength to stand tall

and triumph in the face

of adversity.

Meow!

Back off familia, he's mine.

Sorry you didn't win

worst sweater.

I was robbed!

Here's the truth, I was going

to choose you

but I didn't want everyone to

think that the only reason I did

was because I like you.

Even if that's just

some line you're using

to lower my defenses,

totally worked.

Yeah.

My backup plan was to impress

you with my electric log.

You do have one nice log.

But seriously, it's actually

a nostalgia machine.

Yeah, it invokes a bygone era.

A simpler time of pure ideals,

asbestos,

leaded paint.

Cheez Whiz.

Thank you for inviting us.

Of course.

I'm glad Crystal's here.

You know, the divorce

has definitely made her

more introverted

and she needs to go out

and do things.

Take some risks.

Uh oh!

Give it up, kid!

Is this the end of the line

for Grumpy and Crystal?

Will our heroes finally succumb

to a villain so evil

even evil isn't evil enough

to describe him?

Am I going to keep

asking questions?

I will if it annoys you.

Come back and find out.

Are you still on the edge

of your seat?

Is the dramatic tension

too thick?

Are you still here?

You are? Why?

Whatever, back to the story.

Bum bum bum bum.

Boom boom boom boom bwaaa,

dun nun nun nun nun!

Lets check in to see if I'm down

to eight lives yet.

Oh wow, shocker,

I'm still alive.

Grumpy Cat didn't die

in her own movie.

What?

Yes, I know, it's not

just about me.

Stop it, ow that hurts!

George, this isn't right!

What's Mr. Crabtree

going to do?

Oh gosh, Mr. Crabtree.

I totally forgot,

what is he going to do?

Wait, I remember.

He's going to pay me

a lot of money

to get that stupid dog back.

Ha, high five George!

No!

You're a jerk!

Yeah, who leaves

someone hanging?

Come on.

I'm the jerk.

Me, the guy who fooled everybody

by pretending to be a big

blowhard

when in fact he was just

lulling them all

into a false sense of

complacency and trust.

That's right.

Me, the jerk?

Who rode around this mall

in that stupid scooter

enforcing the law but the whole

time all I was thinking about

was breaking it.

That jerk?

So, are you still pretending

to be a big blowhard or what?

Jerk.

I don't think so.

Pffft!

Mastermind.

Oh yes.

Oh no, yeah, you're a limp

short of being Keyser Soze.

Now, about those keys.

Yeah, those keys.

About them.

I forgot where I put them.

Oh man, what are we going to do?

We're screwed!

She's lying, right?

Obviously.

Oh.

That's very convincing.

Okay, you and you go find

a nice piranha

or scorpion to play with.

Is he serious?

Alright, now listen to me.

I'm not fooling around anymore,

Crystal,

I mean I'm out of patience.

Now, you tell me

where those keys are

or somebody is going

to get hurt.

You wouldn't really hurt

a little girl, would you?

What do I look like?

A nut job?

I'm greedy, I'm not evil,

which I think is important

to point out

are two completely

different things.

One is the foundation

of our economic system

and the other,

you know just bad.

Okay, I'm not really following

you but.

I'm not going to hurt you,

Crystal.

I will however hurt the cat.

Whoa, what? Me cat?

Don't!

Now, what was it you said about

the cat being your best friend?

So sweet, it really tugged

at my heartstrings.

Which would make it

all the worse

if something bad were to happen

to the little guy.

Grumpy.

First of all, I'm a she.

Why is that so hard to grasp?

And second of all,

pfft he's bluffing.

I'm not scared.

Now, I'm going to give you

three seconds to tell me

where those keys are or I'm

going to put the kitty cat

in the trash compactor.

No!

Whoa, he's not bluffing!

He's not bluffing!

He's petting me way

too diabolically.

Tell him Crystal,

you've got to tell him!

One!

I threw them in

the wishing well!

Oh god, thank you.

Haha.

Look at this huge frog.

We're on it.

Lets go, Patrick.

See? That wasn't so hard,

was it?

Look, I never thought

I was in danger okay?

It's my movie after all

and I'm sure

the Lifetime executives are

already thinking sequel!

Like Grumpy's Worst Vacation

Ever, Meowii Style.

Anyway, since you're still

watching this for some reason

I thought now

would be a perfect time

to see if you're interested

in my new product line!

Like Grumpy Cat golf balls,

or the Grumpy Cat dartboard.

And for the ladies a sure

fire hit, Grumpy underwear.

To see what else is new this

season please visit

Please be grumpy when you do it.

Grumpy people only.

Nice kitty.

Kind of odd looking, though.

I don't see your face

on any holiday cards.

Come on, lets get you something

to eat.

Stay!

So, anyway that's how

the story ended.

The bad guys made off with

the overpriced freak dog

and evil triumphed over good.

So sad.

I'm not going to sugarcoat

it people,

this happy, sappy Christmas

story had taken an ugly turn.

Things were looking grim

and poor Crystal,

she was looking lower than

a cat caught in a rain storm.

Can you blame her?

Once again she'd been let down

by someone,

her faith in people was shaken.

Wasn't there anyone

to step forward

in this desperate moment

to boost her spirit,

to make her feel

like not all humanity

was rotten to the core?

Don't look at me, I don't

do motivational, sorry.

That's Happy Cat.

I'm Grumpy Cat.

But truth is I dug down deep

and consulted my inner grump

and realized that it was time

to help a kid

I was actually starting

to care about.

Are you crying, Crystal?

No, I'm allergic to cats,

what do you think?

Okay, I'm going to let

that one go.

Come on Crystal,

just talk to me.

Why? What's talk going to do?

I can't change anything,

especially people.

I try to make friends, Grumpy.

I try to see the good

in everyone,

I stupidly even thought

that George was my friend.

Nope! Never was!

See?

I just feel like my life

will always be a disappointment.

I know what that's like, okay.

Trust me.

Having been bought and returned

a couple times I get it.

Can I trade her for a fish?

It makes you feel like there's

no love in the world.

It makes you feel, well, grumpy.

But you're different, Crystal,

you're full of love.

What good is love if nobody

gives it back?

That's how we feel too,

every day people walk in here

to coo over the puppies

and the rabbits

and the Jo-Jo's

and ignore us.

True dat!

Spot on, Grumpy!

Preach it, sister!

Freedom!

So, you know what?

Contrary to the sign on

the door we're not pets,

I mean until somebody takes us

home and cares for us

and loves us we're just animals.

Yup.

Well said.

Just animals.

And reptiles.

And as far as I can tell humans

are no different.

You're actually making

me sadder.

Okay, well it's your low point,

deal with it.

But what I'm trying to say

is you are loved.

Your mom loves you, look at her,

she loves you.

Taco guy loves you.

That guy loves you.

Who is that guy?

Even your dad loves you.

Why? Because you're

the amazing you.

And that is why I've decided

to adopt you.

That's right.

You're now on Team Grumpy

whether you like it or not.

In fact, from this moment

on you're all on Team Grumpy!

Team Grumpy!

Uh, can we call it

something else?

And this team is going to win.

Wearing Grumpy t-shirts and

Grumpy baseball caps

and Grumpy glow in the dark

buttons, am I right?

Boo, Team Grumpy sucks!

I don't want your swag.

Shame on you, Grumpy.

Shut up!

Every team needs a sponsor,

come on.

Do you really think we can still

do something to save the store?

Do I?

There must be a million ways

to stop these idiots.

I just haven't thought of

one yet.

Oh man.

No shocker there.

Cats blow!

Okay, wait for it, people.

I'm building here.

We implore the fates to smile

upon this ragtag assembly

of freedom fighters.

We few, we happy few,

we band of brothers.

Come on fates.

Oh, it's open.

Well, look at that.

Let me at em!

It's clobbering time.

Good show, now you're talking

G Cat.

Meow.

Thank you, Grumpy.

Time to get scary.

Oh, not me.

No.

I'll undo the young

ladies binds.

Piece of cake, really.

Hey mom, yeah, a friend is going

to give me a ride.

No.

No, you don't know him.

Yeah, I met him at the mall.

Shh, I'm going to enjoy this.

He might like pot roast.

I like pot roast.

Alright, I'll ask him

if he likes pot roast.

Pot roast?

Oh, count me in.

He's got to drive

the speed limit.

I'm, you know, wearing

my badge right?

What else am I going to do?

Surprise!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Wee!

Slimy, slithering...

Oh hello, aren't you cute.

I smell crotch.

Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let go! Let go!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let go!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, I hope he didn't

want children.

Holy crap, they're possessed.

Get back, get back all of you!

Ow! Ow!

Give me that!

How'd you get free?

With a little help

from my friends.

Ho-Yaaah!

Hands in the air, sucker!

Bawk!

Oh, give me that.

You're 12 years old.

This isn't your day, Crystal,

and it isn't your day either

you dumb animals!

This is George's day!

Come on!

What about the snacks?

We did it!

Yay!

Victory!

Um, did anyone notice

he still has the dog?

Blast, you're right.

Take back the yay.

Oh, how fortunate.

That was truly awful.

We should take kazoo caroling

door to door, no?

I wouldn't.

Neighbours called,

they think you're Satan.

Satan. Santa.

Same letters switched around.

Interesting.

And which one are you again?

There's only one way

to find out.

La, la, la, la, la, get a room.

Meow.

Sorry.

It's okay.

If you're selling

I'm not buying.

Mom, it's Crystal!

Whose phone is this?

George and those

two other morons

are trying to steal Jo-Jo!

Slow down, who's Jo-Jo?

He's a really expensive dog!

Wait, wait, where are you?

At the mall!

What are you doing at the mall?

And what are you doing not

in the other room?

I came back to see Grumpy.

Hey mom.

Because she can talk to me.

I am so confused right now.

Mom, just get here quick.

Call the police

and Mr. Crabtree.

I can hold them off

until you get here.

Wait, Crystal, no you have

to leave there right now!

Gotta go!

Hello?

Excellent, the plot is

finally coming together.

That moment of literary alchemy

when smoke turns to fire!

Now, if only I could remember

where I put my mousey toy.

Of the Serengeti. To Catvent

Shh, we're on safari!

Watch the female hippo

follow the male hippo

into the watering hole.

Soon, the two will batter

each other with their snouts

in a splashtastic mating frenzy.

Oops, sorry that's my other

show, um,

also on this network

and available on demand.

Anyway, Crystal.

Hiyeah!

Bad guy.

This is George's day!

Some dog.

I like pot roast.

And me.

Um, did anyone notice he still

has the dog?

And now back to our show.

We can't let them get away

with Jo-Jo.

Dude, I have like $8

here already.

What's with all the pennies man,

people are so cheap.

Hey!

Oh hey, George, we were

just coming for you.

What the hell are you doing?

Be awhile until I get another

parking ticket.

Look at all this coin, man.

Ow.

Will you two knuckleheads

freaking focus,

where are the keys?

Right here, man.

Ow.

Good thing you didn't go

commando, right?

Yeah, because somebody

did a crappy job

tying up the little girl.

Should I name names?

Does it start with a Z?

Or a D?

Can we just get out of here?

Now!

Yay, we're going to save

the day.

I'm going to call

Crabtree tomorrow

and I'm going to state

our terms.

State our terms!

Alright, when we get the buyer

to pay up

do you two idiots think that you

can handle the exchange?

Hell yeah.

Where are you going to be?

Well, my timeline has changed.

I'm leaving tonight.

And by the way, guess who gets

to drop me off at the airport?

As long as you chip in for gas.

You could pay us back, bro.

It's no biggie.

Oh no, we're too late!

Grumpy?

Don't question this,

just hop in sister!

Grumpy, are you serious?

Of course I'm serious,

look at my face!

Buckle up.

But you're a cat,

how are you going to...

How is this even possible?

You can't even reach the pedals!

Thanks, you had to say that.

Is this not my movie?

Why couldn't you just

go with it?

Okay, that never happened.

This did.

Oh no, we're too late!

We'll never catch them on this!

Lets take the Camaro!

I don't know how to drive!

Don't worry, it's like riding

a bike

but everything is different

so you have to be careful

or you could die.

Why not.

Try the visor.

Aha!

How did you?

We are in a movie!

Punch it.

Come on, come on,

they're getting away.

Meow!

Did we die?

Am I in heaven?

Is my brother Arturo here?

Arturo?

Oh my god, what did I do?

Ha, something I've been wanting

to do since Thanksgiving.

But maybe we should try going

forward this time.

Could you have parked

any further away?

We scored the shade tree,

we never get this spot.

It's night!

And what's with the clown car,

could it be any smaller?

Hey, I'm reducing

my carbon footprint.

Hey, I'm going to put a

footprint right up your -

Meow!

I promise you a car chase

and I'm delivering a car chase.

Yeah!

I'm driving!

I can't believe I'm driving!

Those are doors!

I know that!

This is the moment where

we're going to blast

through this wall of glass

as a hail of crystal shards

rain down on our triumphant,

heroic figures.

Okay, so here's the deal.

We had every intention

of shattering that thing

but unfortunately we didn't have

the budget for it, okay?

Not my problem.

This is great.

Is everybody comfortable?

I'm actually a little cold.

Turn the heat up, my man.

Don't mind if I do, old chap.

It kind of smells in here.

How'd you morons fit all

your band equipment

in this puke bucket anyway?

Oh, have you ever played Tetris?

It's kind of like that.

But not anymore because

we're getting a tour bus!

Tour bus!

What the?

It's Crystal!

Aw, why didn't we take

the Camaro?

Lets dance, clown car!

That's it, Crystal.

Surround them in

a circle of death.

Oh god, I think

I'm getting sick.

We need to find a way in.

Crystal?

Whoa, meow!

Meow!

We've got to stop them.

Pass them on the left.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

This is awesome.

What is this kid doing?

Meow.

Wow, have you done this before?

What do I do, Grumpy?

This kind of throw down requires

nerves of steel.

And a better soundtrack.

Ugh, I said better.

Okay good, thank you,

that's more like it.

*

Time to finish what we started.

*

Are you ready?

*

Just go!

Step on it and don't flinch.

This is so cool!

Why did I let you talk me

into this?

Ahhhhhh!

For those of you who are

keeping score

we did have enough in

the budget to destroy

that cheap piece of scenery.

Yes!

Uh, Crystal?

Uh, crash positions!

Meow!

Grumpy, no!

Grumpy?

Grump, talk to me.

Meow!

Please talk to me.

Meow!

Grumpy, no, no, no, no, please.

You're my only friend.

I need you to say something,

anything.

Gotcha.

You jerk!

Haha, I can talk.

Please, like the Lifetime execs

would blow their chance

for a sequel with the internets

biggest cash cat.

Meow.

Hey, watch the hair.

Ow, you're being very aggressive

with my money makers, man.

You heard me, I'm a fellow

officer.

I'll take that, thank you.

Oh hey Crabtree,

thanks for coming.

Ow!

Lets go!

Ow! You're hitting me!

That was assault.

They did it! They did it!

I didn't do anything!

I'm an undercover cop.

Crystal.

Mom, Jesse!

Thank god.

So glad you're okay.

Hey, where's the concern for me?

You had me worried.

I'm fine.

Those guys didn't do anything

to you, did they?

That's a different kind

of Lifetime movie,

if you know what I mean.

No, mom.

Did I see you driving a Camaro?

Yeah, but for the record

it was her idea.

Is this the cat you said talks?

I knew you wouldn't believe me.

It's okay, the good news is

there are people

who can help you.

We will get you the treatment

that you need.

Mom, just forget I said

anything okay?

I thought you wanted me

to make friends,

you just never told me with who.

Meow.

Alright.

I don't care.

You are a good kid

and I love you.

I love you too.

I love you, meow.

And I'm going to tell

you something

you probably didn't know.

When I was your age

I had an invisible friend,

so at least yours is real.

I knew it, Crystal's mom's

a loser.

Thanks, mom.

She deserves an elf.

Hey there, little lady.

Hey, Mr. Crabtree.

Crystal, you saved Jo-Jo

and you saved my store.

Yup, she sure did.

You're like a hero.

But you also stole my key

and broke into the store.

Yeah, about that.

So, to pay for the damage

I'm going to have

to dock your pay.

But you don't pay me.

Right, well then I could make

you employee of the month.

Really?

Well, there's only the two

of you

and to be honest Corben's

kind of useless.

Wish I was kidding.

What?

Thank you so much.

Ugh, all this sweetness

is killing me.

Literally.

Or is it figuratively.

Either way I don't like it.

Hello?

I could use a little help here.

Hello?

Come on!

Alright.

Come on, slowpoke.

I'm coming!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I guess Santa didn't come

this year.

Why do you say that?

Because I didn't get

what I wished for.

Which was?

I was hoping I would get

to adopt Grumpy.

Alright, surprise, it's me!

Merry Christmas.

Grumpy!

Yeah, yeah, surprise.

Hey!

Oh god.

Hey girl.

Merry Christmas!

All right, lets take it slow

okay?

This is the best Christmas ever.

Sure, go ahead, ignore

the title of my movie.

Merry Christmas!

Hey!

Looks like Santa brought me

a present too.

Does she mean the coffee

or the elf?

Hahaha, good one Grumpy.

This is going to take

some getting used to.

Meow.

Ho, ho, ho.

So, remember, make

your Christmas wish

and old Saint Nick will

Beat it, tubs.

Alright everyone, put your

Grumpy faces on and sing.

* Jingle bells,

Christmas smells, *

* and it's really dumb. *

* Worse are movies

about Christmas *

* so I hope you

all are glum. *

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ha ha!

"Have a very Grumpy Christmas.

It's the most terrible time

of the year.

Bah Humbug.

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014) - full transcript