Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014) - full transcript

Meow.

* Deck the halls
with boughs of holly, *

* fa la la la la la
la la la... *

* This the season to be jolly, *

* Don we now our...

Mmm, no.

That song makes my tail hurt.

Deck the halls?

Deck me in the face.

* I want a hippop
Now that's a Christmas song.

Hello, hi, how are you?



Welcome to Grumpy Cat's
Worst Christmas Ever.

The movie.

You don't have to watch it

but I know you're going to, so.

If you do you might
be treated to

high speed car chases.

Meow, meow!

Out of my way buddy!

Pull over, Grumpy!

We've got you surrounded.

Huge explosions.

Boom.

Bang.

That was huge.



A hero in a leotard and cape
who saves the world.

And who doesn't look like
a puppet.

At all.

* Anyway, I only mention those
things to get your hopes up.

That way I can enjoy
your disappointment

when you realize this movie
is just a sappy melodrama

mostly about me, Grumpy Cat.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

God, this is already annoying.

Anyway, our terrible story
begins here.

At this big thing called a mall.

It's a soul sucking bastion
of consumerism

which serves to drain people's
bank accounts

and alienate them from
the true meaning of life.

In other words I love it.

Look at me, see?

See? Can't you tell
that I love it?

I love it because it's evil,
okay?

This is where I call home.

Customer!

Customer!

Customer!

Choose me!
Choose me!

I never get chosen.

Grovelers.

They all think some human
is going to walk in here

and purchase one of them.

Ha!

Welcome to Whiskers,
where the animals don't bite...

Unless provoked.

Humph!

Over here, pick me!

Don't buy into the hype
about snakes!

That's Carla.

The happiest snake
on the planet.

So, you know,
already not a big fan.

I am totally cool, promise.

Hey lady!

Over here!

I'm cuter!

Plus I chew chair legs,
shoes, leather purses.

Darn, almost had her.

That's Jacky.

He's super hyper
and super annoying,

plus he's a dog, so...

I don't like him.

You can ignore them, madam.

I'm well bred and well read.

I can even talk.

Hands in the air, sucker!

So, that's Wilson.

A very stupid parrot.

Oh, did I mention that
I'm easy to clean up after?

All I require is a newspaper
subscription for the mess

I make in my cage.

Wait, where are you going?

Oh drat.

Not going to happen, people.

We're all going to die in here.

Hey, check out this spin class
of one, lady!

See these hamster hamstrings?

They're like sinewy
pistons of steel.

That's Lance.

He looks like a rat but
I guess he's a gerbil,

a gym rat gerbil.

Woo, work it down, work it up!

Take it up, work it back!

Work it down, work it up!

Take it up, work it back!

Me, I don't want to leave.

I'm grumpy right where I am.

Better not to get your hopes up.

Told you, she's just buying
fish food.

Grumpy, you are a jerk.

And you, honey, are delusional.

At least we weren't returned
twice like you, Grumpy.

Twice.

All she does is frown.

And all he does is whine
about it,

am I right mom?

She does seem a little grumpy.

Can I trade her for a fish?

As if that bothered me.

I never even think
about those people.

I'm a superstar.

*

Super model, super dog,
super hair, super fur.

*

Oh, I just love me.

What the heck are you?

A science experiment gone bad?

More like a science
experiment gone right.

Check out my beautiful locks,
they flow like a waterfall.

Woosh!

Freak.

Customer!

Customer!

I'm available!

Customer, over here!

Choose me, choose me!

Hi, you must be Marcus.

I'm Gill Brockman,
your new mall rep.

What can I do for you?

There's just the small matter
of your rent being in arrears,

deadbeat.

Uh, did you just call me
a deadbeat?

Deadbeat? No, of course not.

Loser.

Okay, now I heard you
call me a loser.

Why would I call you that?

I don't know.

Because you haven't met
your financial obligations

in a timely manner and
I'm going to evict you?

Wait, what?

Are you saying I could lose
my terrible home?

Gill, I can assure you
I will have your money

by the day after tomorrow.

Thank you, Marcus.

You're a saviour.

You are seriously behind,
how do you plan to do that?

You see this cat?

Who, me?

I plan to make her the most
famous internet meme

of all time.

Work it, show me sexy.

Now show me danger,
just like that.

Show me fierce.

Jubilation.

Overjoyed.

You're a little girl
on a spring day.

Sushi.

Lots of sushi.

I'm a natural.

All we need is a picture of
Grumpy saying something like

uh I had fun once, it was awful.

I mean, you put that on
the internet thingamabob

and that is sure to go viral.

Her face will launch
a thousand products.

Everything from t-shirts
to coffee mugs.

After that, TV appearances
and oh, I don't know, maybe

a Lifetime movie.

You are a genius!

Like any of that would
really happen.

Me? Become an internet
celebrity?

I mean, wouldn't I need
to have some sort of talent

like this guy?

*

Or this weirdo?

Or whatever this is?

Yeah, I can't do any
of that stuff.

So, I'm revising the previous
scene, okay?

You are seriously behind,
how do you plan to do that?

With this dog.

Hi there.

Oh, is that what you are.

He just happens to be the
most expensive Leonberger

in the world.

Let that sink in, kitty cat.

Someone would actually
pay for you?

He's worth a million dollars,
whoops.

Shut the front door.

Shut the back door too.

Shut all the doors.

A million? Really?

With an M?

That sounds like a MacGuffin
to me, whatever that means.

I call that a bargain.

I should be worth a billion,
with a B.

Buh.

I've got a buyer and guess
what that money

is going to put me back
in the black.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

I think the words you're
looking for are thank you.

Yeah, the press are coming
by this afternoon

and they're doing a big story
on how he saved Whiskers.

Yeah.

Then I guess we have nothing
else to discuss.

Too de loo.

Merry Christmas!

Loser.

What did you say?

What did I say?

Merry Christmas, sir.

Merry Christmas.

Deadbeat.

Um, we didn't formally meet.

I'm Jo-Jo.

Oh, my name is I don't care.

Oh, yes.

Wait a minute, that thing
gets the prime real estate?

Oh, this is where I belong.

In the spotlight for all to see.

Go ahead, feel free
to take photos.

Selfies are extra.

What am I, tuna tartare?

I've never had that spot.

And I've been here the longest!

Maybe it's because
you don't smile.

Brat.

Time to meet our awful
movie's heroine.

There she is, look at her.

Hahaha!

With second billing behind me,

Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat.

This is Crystal.

Humanity's last hope
on a dying planet.

Oh, I'm sorry, too much?

Alright, she's an evolved
organism with a heart of gold.

My least favourite trait
but facts are facts.

And this story is nothing
if not factual.

You know, like Santa Claus.

Hey Roger!

Hello Crystal!

You're fat.

You're not exactly anorexic.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Yo Mat, what's up?

Living the dream.

Hey Monica.

Hey Crystal, how was
school today?

Ola, Alejandro.

Como estas?

Feliz Navidad!

Here's your turkey and swiss,
Wiffledorf.

I will be Jesse again in a few
hours when I get off work.

Oh, you'll always be Wiffledorf
to me.

Ouch.

Speaking of which my feet
are killing me.

Any chance you can use
your in with Santa

to get mama a new pair of shoes
for Christmas?

Blah, blah, blah, b-story,
not my line, not my line,

not my line.

Meow.

I would but Santa and I are
not on speaking terms right now.

What? Why?

Guy's a slave driver.

Always on our backs.

You would not believe
the working conditions.

Really?

Two words. Sweat shop.

So, I've actually led a revolt
to unionize the North Pole.

Will you get it worked out
before Christmas?

I hope so.

For the tots.

Dude, are you ever going
to eat that sandwich?

Mmm, is that turkey?

But that's not to say that
a certain little elf

wouldn't love to build you a
new pair while he's on strike.

Be careful flirting with me.

Last time that happened it ended

in a spectacularly
awful divorce.

Huh.

Have you given any more thought
to the party tonight?

Everyone's coming.

You mean, like the other elves?

The Cinnabon crew?

That's exactly who I mean.

All the cool kids.

Come on, stupid Christmas games,
ugly sweater contest.

Oh, just say yes already mom.

The poor guy's been trying
to ask you out for a month.

Alright.

Yes!

I'll go.

But only if you come with me.

Ulgh!

Fine.

But don't try and pull anything,
I'll be watching.

Crystal.

I've got to go I'm late
for work.

Hang on.

We talked about you making
some friends at your new school.

How's that going?

Great, today I totally nodded to
the girls locker next to mine.

Does that count?

Totally try harder.

Okay. Can I go now?

Isn't she a little young
to have a job?

Oh, that's just
what she calls it.

She's helping out
at the pet store.

I just wish she hung out
with some actual people

for a change you know.

One's her own age preferably.

Probably just needs time.

This will be her first Christmas
without seeing her dad.

Ah.

The dirtbag.

Don't forget your sweater.

Meow.

Oh yeah, when I smell it it
makes me feel like

I'm actually in Paris.

It's our most popular seller.

And then there's George.

AKA the Ladykiller.

Well, if only I had a special
lady friend to give it to I...

Hey, did you hear about
my latest bust?

No, sorry.

What, are you kidding?

Everyone's talking about it!

Oh yeah, the perp was 14
but he was big.

I mean, he had you know
man muscles.

Obviously he pumped iron,
of course so do I.

Anyway, something about his
behaviour didn't add up

he was lingering around the
fancy jean section too long

and between you and me he
didn't look like the kind of kid

who could afford them.

Is that profiling?

Well, maybe. Did it
work this time?

You bet your butt it did.

Well, the minute those
jeans went

into the knapsack it was on.

I mean, he tried to get away but
obviously I'm pretty agile so.

George, thanks for visiting
but I need to take my break.

Oh yeah.

Oh, sure of course hey man

you've been on your
feet all day.

I'll go prevent some crime.

Okay. Okay.

No rascal today, George?

Hey, Crystal.

How many times have I told you
it is an ARV

or for those people not
in the biz,

: Asset Recovery Vehicle.

But don't you need it
to chase bad guys?

I'm leveling the playing field.

Let them think they have
a chance.

But we know they don't!

That's right.

* You want that money baby,

* that's right you know
who got it. *

* Got so much money baby,
can't even close my wallet. *

* Hanging on Sunset daily

* yeah I can take
you shopping... *

Hi!

I'm Crystal.

We have fifth period together?

So?

Well, I was thinking we
could maybe put together

like a study group or something.

It could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

I'll definitely RSVP no to that.

Do we look like
a bunch of nerds?

What a dork.

As if we actually need
to get smarter.

Ah, the youth.

They'd better hope
to marry rich.

And then there's Zach and Donny,

the future of our great country.

Think she'll like it, Zach?

As if you value my opinion.

God help us all.

It's band issues.

It's nice, I just can't have
the fiancee of Dragon Tail's

lead singer wearing
something so...

Dainty?

Yeah, dainty.

Dainty!

Show me the biggest rock
you got.

We did just sign a major
recording contract.

* You know you want it!

* You know I got it!

* This ain't no -

Dude! We're in the middle
of a thing!

Oh, you don't like my singing?

Surprise, surprise.

Now is really not the time,
Zach.

I have just the thing.

And it's big.

It's 8,000.

That's it?

Well, we're not exactly
Tiffany's.

Dude, what is
with all the angst?

I wanted to be the one
pretending to get married.

But everything has
to be your way,

just like what songs we sing
in the garage.

Because I'm the frontman
with the golden voice.

* Yeah!

And you're the bass player
with the fat fingers.

I do not have fat fingers.

Anybody can do this.

Oh, that's me?

Oh, you're doing me right now?

Oh, yeah well no one shreds
killer base solos the way I do.

Pow!

* Boom, boom, boom, boom!

* Boom boom!

* Yeah!

* What!

Never mind.

Good luck trying to find someone

who can do that on our
upcoming tour.

Hello.

There's not going to be a tour.

We hit that jewelry store
we're looking at 50 G's tops.

You can't get a bus with that.

Well, how are we going to bring
our music

to our audiences?

Did you ever in your wildest
imagination think

that a dog would be worth
one million dollars?

Well, a Leonberger this rare
and with championship bloodlines

well that makes it truly
one of a kind.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, that's one trippy
looking dog.

Hey, want to see him run?

Oh, we'd love to see him run.

Come on.

There you go folks, this is
a million dollars running down

a hallway.

Meanwhile, Crystal found herself
wandering amid the shoppers,

past the kiosks, hoping to make
sense of what it is

to be a little girl who though
gentle and kind to all

is shunned by her peers.

I think somebody could use
a caramel machiatto

with extra whip.

Well, that sounded like
the weight of the world.

You're not Roger.

What gave it away?

I know, I'm just filling in for
him while he picks up his mom

from the airport.

The sleighs in the shop.

I usually work Westbrook
Mall but you know,

us Santa's try and help
each other out.

Well, it's nice to know that
you Santa's of the world

are still decent to your fellow
human beings.

Wow, that's depressing.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

Some people are mean
for no reason.

And they get a lump of coal
in their stocking.

Luckily, people like you get
special compensation

from people like me
this time of year.

Is that chocolate?

No, are you kidding me?

That's a magical Christmas coin.

I hand them out to people
who would otherwise

have a crappy Christmas.

Because this is so much better
than a sweet computer.

Yes.

Or a bike?

That is correct.

Or anything?

Duh. Infinitely better.

Look. Make a Christmas wish.

All you do is you make a wish
and you toss it into a fountain.

Any fountain will do.

You could use a toilet bowl
in a pinch.

Does that work?

Yeah, it's a wishing well.

Should work just fine.

Thanks but I don't really...

Believe in mall Santa Claus's?

That's not to say that I judge
you for wanting

to make a little extra money
over the holidays.

Look, you don't have
to believe in me

but what you do have to do is

put your wish out
into the universe.

You can't claim it
if you can't name it!

I got that from
the Easter Bunny.

Or is it Tooth Fairy?

Whatever, it was
at a convention.

Anyway, what do you say,
Crystal?

How did you know my name?

Lets just say your name's
on the list.

Did Jesse put you up to this?

Look, wish first then coin.

That's what it says in
the instruction booklet.

Oh, and if your wish rhymes

you get extra Christmas mojo.

That's really corny.

Corny's good.

Corny's my stock and trade.

I do corny very well.

Just give it a try.

You do realize this is just
a little girl

humouring an old man right?

That's awesome.

For my Christmas wish I wish...

I wish I'd meet a friend,

one who listens to me
and on whom I can depend.

Happy?

Santa dude?

I can see you right there.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No, it's not me.

I'm magical.

Dumb.

Never works.

Customer! Customer!

Customer!

Bird for sale!

Customer!

Hey Grumpy.

Hey hey, I like those
boots girl.

Yeah, you looking good.

Oh, very funny Corben.

Oh, hey Crystal.

Yeah, he's here for the rest
of the week folks so come on by.

I've got a really big sale
on hamsters and snakes,

although not necessarily
together though

because that would be bad
for the hamster.

You wouldn't really eat me,
would you Carla?

But of course not.

I am a gopher snake.

You look nothing like a gopher.

Really?

Phew, that's good to know.

Alright. Thanks!

Customer!

Customer!

Over here!

Hey, Mr. Crabtree.

Hey Crystal, say hello
to Jo-Jo.

Hey boy.

He's beautiful, isn't he?

Beautiful?

On what planet, Planet Ugly?

Meow.

Yeah, he's also got a buyer
which means

Whiskers will be staying open
for a long time to come.

You know, if it wasn't for him
we would be out of business.

You're a superhero, Jo-Jo.

Yeah, he's the best thing to
happen to me in a long time.

I'm not going to lie to you,

it's been hard since
I lost my Shirley.

She was my rock, my world,
my everything.

Truth is I, uh, I've neglected
this place.

But it's only because
I've been in so much pain.

Ugh, I'm in so much pain
listening to your sob story

I wish you'd put me to sleep.

This is animal cruelty.

Do the humane thing,
give me the gas.

Who is saying that?

Saying what?

I thought I heard somebody say
that they were in so much pain

from listening to your sob story

that they wanted
to be put to sleep.

Huh.

Well, forgive me for sharing.

No, I didn't mean!

I mean, I didn't say.

Excuse me, I need to go find
a suitable carrier for Jo-Jo.

Made of gold I presume?

Meow.

It's you!

Who, me?

Say that again.

Okay, I don't know what's
happening here

but I don't like it.

You are talking to me.

What are you, some kind
of blond witch?

You can't understand me!

I heard all of that.

No you didn't!

Yes, I did!

Well, stop it!

You stop it!

You stop it, witch!

Are you having a conversation
with the girl?

Tell her I'm available.

And apparently on sale.

Ooh, let her know I'll repeat
any stupid thing she wants.

My skin sheds!

Will you shut up!

You shut up!

It's cool.

I talk to the bird.

Hands in the air, sucker!

Hands in the air, sucker!

Yeah.

I wasn't talking to you,
I was talking to them.

Wait, you can talk
to the animals too?

Ugh, don't act high and mighty

just because you're at the top
of the food chain, honey.

But I can only hear you.

Well, that's a good thing,
trust me.

I'm the only one worth
listening to.

They're all very stupid
and annoying.

I'm not annoying.

I'm awesome, and full of energy!

I can play non-stop
for hours and hours

and hours and hours!

Oh God, calm down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch the fur!

Meow.

Okay Grumpy Cat, why can
I suddenly understand you?

Um, why are you asking me?

You think I want people knowing
how I really feel about them?

Believe me, that's the last
thing I would wish for.

Wish.

I tossed a magic coin into a
wishing well and made a wish!

Okay, I'm embarrassed for you.

You are a loser.

But I wanted a person,
not a cat.

Hey, look at the freak
having a conversation

with the little kitty.

Having a nice chat
with your cat?

Oh, you rhymed chat with cat.

Very smart.

Except you're terrible
human beings.

Meow.

I need to talk to Santa.

There's a line and no cutsies,
North Pole...

Policy...

A Porsche?

A real Porsche?

Roger?

What's up? I have customers.

Yeah, he's got customers.

And we're not going anywhere
until he hears our entire list.

: Us Santa's try and help
each other out.

But Roger, I thought you had
to pick up your mom

at the airport for the holidays?

Actually, I live with my mom.

So do we.

She's a really good cook.

You don't have to believe in
me but what you do have to do

is put your wish out
into the universe.

Roger, do you know the Santa
from the Westbrook Mall?

Westbrook closed awhile ago
for renovations.

Everyone knows that.

Are you dumb or something?

: Haha! She's dumb!

I hate my life.

Crystal had been mesmerized
by a magic talking

distractingly beautiful cat,

whose telepathic communications
not only troubled her young mind

but also drew her like a moth
to a flame.

Back to the origins of this
great mystery.

Problem is she also promised
to go

to Jesse's stupid
Christmas party.

Oooh... No!

Tabby, Handerpants!

You know you want them.

One of a kind!

No shower gel dispenser!

No!

No.

Oh, I'm going to have to go
with the fruitcake!

Nice get, but you completely
missed these.

My awesome set of seaworthy
salt and pepper shakers.

You dog, you were hiding those.

Hell no, Jesse.

Salt and pepper shakers.

What?

The price of greed, my friend.

Come to me, Crystal.

You are powerless to resist me.

Meow.

Your turn, Jesse.

I'm just going to take
that fruitcake.

Oh, you wouldn't!

I did.

All's fair, all's fair.

You don't even like fruitcake.

Nobody likes fruitcake,
just come on.

Let it go.

Fine.

Handerpants, please.

Why are the Cinnabon employees
always the last to leave?

Because they're up all night

making those delicious
sticky buns.

Oh.

They should really lock this.

Yeah, but then
we wouldn't be able to -

Stop.

Okay.

Grumpy!

Grumpy!

Meow!

Did I scare you?

What gave it away?

My scream of sheer terror
or the puddle of pee?

And lower your voice,

I don't want those other
freaks to wake up.

Don't even think about it.

Yeah, Paul Blart!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! No!

You're making a big mistake!

Where are the master keys?

I will never tell.

We can do this the easy way,
or the hard way.

Oh, hey lets do it the easy way.

They're right on the hook
over there.

Oh, is it these ones?

That sounds a lot like yes
so I'm going to go with that.

* You know you want it!

* You know I got it!

* This ain't no...

Haha, you were great man.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing here anyway?

Trying to figure out what
the heck is going on with us.

What's going on is that
you're bothering me.

I was sleeping.

How did you even get in?

Reveal yourself, witch!

You stole the key.

Borrowed!

Don't give me that look.

What look?

That look of judgement
you're giving me.

This is my look of
tacit approval.

Well, whatever.

We really need to figure
this talking thing out.

Okay, but it's worth pointing
out you really screwed up

your big wish.

Why wouldn't your first choice
be an unlimited supply of tuna?

Another, mademoiselle
Grumpy Cat?

Oui, oui, just keep them coming
until I pass out.

Because I don't like tuna?

Huh, your loss.

David Lee Roth, Gary Cherone
or Sammy Hagar?

Oh, it's not even an argument.

Sammy Hagar is clearly
Van Halen's best lead singer.

What?

Gary Cherone blows
that hack away.

Most people don't even know
who Gary Cherone is.

How dare you minimize
his contribution.

Oh, he was the lead singer
for one very forgettable album.

That's a weird cat.

You're weird.

Meow.

Huh, yeah.

Hey, there he is.

Wow, freaky looking
and a terrible guard dog.

Oh, time for a walk?

Whoa, this is awesome.

They're stealing the dog.

I love these dudes.

Okay, not only is Gary Cherone
the better vocalist

but I bet my favourite amp
he could totally beat Hagar

in a kung fu fight!

Oh, I'd take that bet.

Seriously?

Alright, all we've got to do
is get them in the same room.

We can't let them steal
Jo-Jo!

Just to play devils
advo-cat,

what if we let them
steal Jo-Jo?

It's dead!

I don't care about that.

They left their keys!

Okay, freeze.

At this point things could
have gone two ways.

The fast way which goes
like this.

I raced out of the pet store
with Crystal in tow

and knowing that precious
moments were ticking away

like a ticking time bomb I flew
like the desert wind

toward a building
that looked official.

Again with Crystal in tow,
where I alerted the authorities

to the crime in progress.

Within moments the culprits
were apprehended.

Ow, that really hurt!

You're welcome, police.

Okay, that's enough.

Me and my sidekick who
barely did anything

were hailed as heroes,
thank god for me.

But that would mean
a pretty short movie

and a lot less advertising
revenue so luckily,

and through no persuasion
on my part, it went like this.

They left their keys!

Put those back, they're going
to need them.

But if they steal Jo-Jo,

Whiskers will go out
of business.

And?

And this is the only place
where I don't have to worry

about being accepted.

Uh, so?

I can just be me.

I'm sure you can get the same
warm and fuzzies

at the library.

But if Mr. Crabtree has to close

do you have any idea what
that means for you?

I'm sure he'd take me in.

I'd make a fine house cat,
I know I would.

Yeah, because you've had
a lot of luck with that.

Please, Mr. Crabtree,
don't do it.

Don't do it Mr. Crabtree!

No!

You're a horrible man.

: Freeze, kitty cat.

Hey man, I'm innocent!

It was the other cat,
the calico with the lisp!

What about that one, daddy?

She looks like the kind of cat -

Who would make
the best pet ever?

That would smother you
in your sleep.

Lets keep looking.

That's a pretty one.

Don't worry, it's not going
to hurt.

This is way too dark.

No!

Well?

Oh, I'm alive. Great.

Can I have some more time
to think about it?

No.

Alright, fine.

I'm back, what's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening,

I just rolled around in some
catnip and I'm ready to go.

Lets do this!

There they are, Donny and Zach.

They are psyched!

They just stole a million dollar
mutt from Mr. Crabtree's store.

Nice.

That was easier than getting
a record company

to listen to our demo.

Bro, we are going to get so
much bank for this pooch.

Yeah!

Woo!

That's why I'm the captain
of this ship

and you are the matey.

Are we pirates?

What?

Are you saying we're pirates?

No.

I'm the guy, and you're
the guy behind the guy.

Like if this was Nirvana I would
be Kurt Cobain

and you would be the bass player
with the really long name.

Can't it be more like
Cliff Burton,

James Hetfield kind of thing?

You know like, I'm one
and you're the other.

Where are my keys?

They're not here.

Oh, good job Kurt Cobain.

Nice looking out, Zach.

What?

How is this on me?

Because you're supposed to
be the lookout guy, right?

You're supposed to be
looking out for stuff like this.

I hate you, you know that?

I'm going to start my own band

and I'm going to call it
Tail of the Dragon.

You can't do that, my band
is Dragon Tail

there's going to be some serious
market confusion.

Oh, well I already
legal zoomed it, so.

Ouch!

Sweet Caroline, that was
my finger plucking hand.

What the heck are you doing?

I was going to hot wire
your car.

Hey, do you know how to do that?

Oh, no.

But it's easy, I saw it on TV.

You just take...

zzz, with the wires.

Don't ever touch my car again!

Okay.

I know where my keys are,
they're on top of the fish tank.

Why didn't you tell me
that before?

Come on, man!

My hand really hurts!

At that very moment Crystal
and I were wracking our brains

trying to formulate the perfect
plan for a daring rescue.

And then it came to me.

How about this plan,

we let them steal Jo-Jo
and then we nap.

No, you're coming with me.

Oh, great.

Who's doing the kidnapping
now, huh?

You're as bad as them!

Quick thought, you should
take Carla.

A snake is a lot scarier.

I'm not scary, I am fun
and I am charming

and I like long slithers
on the beach.

Lets go, we need
to find security.

Move your dumb butt.

Yuh oh, off screen voices
of bad guys.

Hey, that's weird.

I swear I put my keys
right here.

Why don't you ask that sad cat,

he was watching the whole time.

Yeah, that's really helpful
Zach.

Look at the fish following
my fingers.

I'm the fish whisperer!

Where is that cat?

Hmm, wonder if they know
they're not the only ones here.

We're not the only ones here.

Aliens.

Come on.

At least I'm getting
some cardio.

What do we do?

Uh, I'm thinking
you know give up?

Let the failure wash over us?

Does this mean stop
or go forward?

Everybody knows this means stop.

Oh, everybody?

Hey, stop!

I like this place.

Hey, maybe we'll bag
a deer later.

Just keep an eye out.

I may be grumpy but I'm still
a cat, okay?

My focus is exceptional.

Whoa!

Oh man, thought that was my mom.

Who puts a grizzly bear
in the middle of an aisle?

I hate nature.

Hey, check it out.

Did you hear something?

Um, yeah.

The sound of your heart beating
through your chest.

Oh, shiny little fishies.

Yum num num.

Shiny little fishies, shiny
little fishies, ah, got ya!

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

Look, look, wait hold on.

Meow!

Meow!

Ow.

Hey, over there.

Are you trying to get us caught?

Hello?

I'm sorry, it bit me.

You turned on the
Christmas village

like one scene ago, hypocrite.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Stay here.

Right, you get the s'mores,
I'll start the hot chocolate.

Actually I'm going to use you
as a decoy.

Wait a second, that sounds bad
for me.

Just sit here and look bored
to death.

Yeah, yeah, play
to my strengths.

I get it.

I just want my keys, yo.

We know you have them
because you've been running

from us and that makes
us point the finger at you.

We're not going to hurt you!

But only if you give them up now

because later is going
to be too late.

Yeah!

We'll be a lot madder then.

Why are you doing that?

Shh!

Ah! Gotcha!

Hello, gentleman.

What's that weird cat.

I'm a decoy.

This isn't about me.

Bye bye.

Dude, grab him,
he stole your keys.

Stole your keys?

Did you really think
that through?

I have no thumbs.

Come here, kitty kitty.

Nab him, yo.

Ow!

Well, I'm out of here.

Ah!

It's too noisy in here!

Ow!

Dude, we got to get
outta here!

Meow! Meow! Meow!

So sorry to interrupt.

We may be taking some
creative license

with what actually
happened here.

Get out of here,
British Grumpy Cat!

Oh, real Grumpy.

Don't be absurd.

They don't even make paintball
guns for cats.

Craft departments do.

Die, bad guys!

Meow! Meow!

Die!

I overstayed my welcome
obviously.

Toodles, I'll be in your head.

Meow! Meow!

We're going to die!

Dude, if we can get through
Stairway to Heaven

without any mess up
we can do anything

and that includes
getting out of this.

I have an idea.

Hurry back!

Meow, meow, meow!

Hey, where's the dog?

Oh, I'm out.

Adios muchachos.

Oh, how the hunted
becomes the hunter.

* Yeahhhhhhhhhhh!

Donny!

I'm coming for you, big guy!

* Ahhhhh!

: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

That looks like it hurts.

Because it does.

Coming for you,
paintball vigilante!

As soon as I pull this arrow out
of my bros foot.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, you get back here.

Which way did he go?

Oh that looks bad.

Come on!

Terrible Movie, She Wrote.

By Grumpy Fat.

Oh crap, damn it.

Never mind.

Chapter 4.

Meow! Meow!

Villains peppered with paint
and on the hunt.

Which way did he go?

A million dollar doggy
on the loose.

You'll never get me!

A courageous Crystal
hides the dog nappers keys

as the witty kitty
continues to quip.

Isn't that where all dreams
go to die?

It'll have to do.

And this guy pulls up
in his car.

Wait a minute, what's
the landlord guy doing here?

Red herring?

Or plot point?

You decide!

Hello there.

Lets wrestle!

Yum, yum, yummy.

Ugh, stop it.

You're kissing me to death,
stop it!

Stop it!

Hey.

Hi ho.

You're that expensive dog.

My reputation precedes me.

What is this, a jailbreak boy?

Uh huh, yeah.

Come on.

UGH!

Later gators!

Gotcha!

What is your problem?

Our problem?

How would you like it if we shot
you with a paintball gun?

Mmh-mmh.

I wouldn't.

Of course not!

Because it hurts!

And it isn't nice.

I'm glad we can agree on that.

Can you let me up now?

What did you do
with my car keys?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Zach, punch him in the face.

What?

Mmm.

What?

My hand still hurts
from punching your car

and these are my money makers.

We haven't made a dime
from our music yet.

Well why don't you punch him,

you don't even play
an instrument.

My voice is an instrument,
you hit him.

Hit him!

Okay!

Ow! Ow!

Oh man, I think it's broken.

I think it hurt me more than
it hurt you.

No, I don't think that's true
at all.

So, are you going to tell me
where my car keys are

or are we going to have
to amp this up?

I don't know anything
about your stupid keys!

Wait!

Honestly guys, I just came back
to get my laptop

out of my office.

It's not really an office,
it's more of a cubicle.

Oh god!

That is quite the drop.

Jail break! Jail break!

Jail break!

George!

Well, somebody finally figured
out a way to shut him up.

You're going to regret that.

Ow!

Oh, oh my god.

There's scissors there.

Are you okay?

What happened?

These two guys jumped me
while I was rewriting

the policies and procedures
hand book.

Here we go.

I think they had ninja training
but I drop kicked the first one,

and then I hit the second one
in the Adam's apple.

Do you have a half hour,
Crystal?

Because I don't.

And that's when they pulled
their guns, big ones.

And everybody knows
that I'm a tough guy

and I'm ready to throw
down with the best of them

but I am smart enough to know
that I am no match

for a bullet.

Well, they're trying
to steal Jo-Jo!

What's a Jo-Jo?

Super dog, super hound,
super model...

Hi!

That's Jo-Jo!

Back so soon, gorgeous?

Yeah well, those guys
were ignoring me.

A dog?

Why would they try to steal
a dog and not some diamonds

or something from
the jewelry store?

Mmm, that feels good.

Well, he's worth a lot of money.

How much money?

A lot!

Yeah, a lot.

And now they're after me
because I stole their car keys!

I'm what's stopping them
from getting away!

12 year old girl thwarted
the robbery.

Hey, she couldn't have done it
without me.

George, we have
to call the police.

We can't, they pulled out
the phone lines.

But don't you have a cell phone?

Well, they took it.

Well, what are we going to do?

Wait a minute,
how did you get here?

My bike.

Okay, here's what we're
going to do.

We're going to get you back
to your transportation,

then you go for help.

Come on, and oh you've got
a little kitty there.

Alright.

And here, I'll take care of
the dog and the mall

until the cops arrive.

Is there a bathroom here?

Are you sure you don't want
to come with me?

Oh no, Crystal, I took an oath
to protect this place

and that is exactly
what I'm going to do.

Oh.

Guys, I swear, I didn't have
anything to do

with shooting you!

And frankly, I want you
to steal that dog.

No, seriously.

My company wants to get rid
of that pet shop

and put a Club Chicken in there.

I love those sweet
chicky nuggets!

See?

So, it's a win win.

I'll look the other way,
I never saw anything,

you guys were never here.

Donny, can I have a word?

He sounds pretty convincing.

I'm starting to think
maybe he's telling the truth.

Because I am telling the truth.

You, shut up.

It's cool, I'm sorry.

What did I just say?

I think you might be right.

Hell ya I'm right.

Why do you think I'm right?

I just realized if he was the
one shooting us with paintballs

wouldn't he have paint residue
on his hands?

No residue, I'm clean.

You're like a one man CSI team.

Okay, so here's the thing.

Donny and I talked
and it looks like

this whole thing has been a big
misunderstanding.

Hey, no hard feelings.

Are you sure?

Because I did punch you in
the face and I threatened

to throw you over the railing.

That's already forgotten.

Oh, I feel guilty.

Don't. Honest mistake.

Awesome.

You are awesome.

We should totally kick
it sometime,

what are you into?
Oh, frisbee golf!

Zach, do you want to wrap it up?

If he's not the guy that means
there's another guy.

Where's the dog?

I thought you had him.

Do I have to do everything?

Oh, like lose the keys?

Just go get the dog.

What are we going to do
about him?

As much as we'd like
to let you go,

we can't.

Oh.

Shh.

Some are born great,
others achieve greatness

and some watch
Christmas movies starring cats.

I think you know who you are.

Meow.

What were you doing in the
mall this time of night anyway?

This is going to sound
really crazy.

Try me.

It's stupid.

Come on, I'm a good listener.

Well, I can't believe
I'm going to admit this

but I came to talk to the cat.

The cat?

Yes, the cat.

I thought you said you were
a good listener, George.

We understand each other.

With the way things have
been going in my life right now

I can't say that about
too many people.

My dad left my mom
for a barista,

he barely calls anymore.

Last time he did he said they
were talking about

getting married and
starting their own family.

Wow.

Divorce can be tough,
especially on a kid.

But a cat? Really?

She wasn't my first choice.

Um, I'm right here.

But we have a connection.

We can communicate
in our own way,

and I know it's weird

but there's something
kind of great about her.

Oh, don't get sappy on me.

Wait, I forgot, it's a Lifetime
movie, you can.

I wish I had a friend.

Law enforcement,
it's a lonely business.

Occupational hazard I suppose.

See, there's the schmaltz
I was looking for.

You kind of feel
for the big guy, huh?

I'm glad we had this talk,
George.

Oh yeah, me too kiddo.

You know, you just you've
got to hang in there that's all.

Okay, look.

Here is your stop,

I can take it from here.

Hey, don't forget your cat huh?

Thanks.

How about another walk?

Or a chew toy.

What, you're still here?

I am so not going to miss you.

Forget you, forgot you,
never thought about you.

Be safe, George.

I live for safety, Crystal.

Oh hey, real quick,
when the cops come

where should I tell them
you put those keys?

Huh.

I thought you said they took
your phone?

Oh yeah, this is awkward.

I thought they did too
but oh I'm so embarrassed,

must be from the concussion from
when they hit me on the head.

You never said they hit you.

Oh, I left that out well you
know it all happened so quick.

Well, this is great.

We can call the police
now right?

We're not calling
the police, Crystal.

George, you devious scoundrel!

You're the brains of this
operation, aren't you?

Look, I've got to say I totally
saw that coming

but you didn't huh?

Where are the keys, Crystal?

How could you do this, George?

Well, that is a long,
complicated story

which we can get
into another time.

Ow! Ow!

Oh!

Ow, how did this escalate
so quickly?

Mom? I can't talk right now,
I'm at work.

Yes, yes, I need a ride home.

I need a ride home every time,

why must we have this
conversation every single,

every single time.

Here doggy doggy doggy!

Oh, hey boss, what's up?

Oh hi, I'm just checking to see
how everything's going.

It's going great, we're
like a well oiled machine.

This plans full proof.

Nailed it.

Really?

Well, aren't you the least bit
curious

as to how I can be talking to
you on the phone right now

when I'm supposed to be
taped to a chair.

Well, that's a very
good question.

Well, see this nice little
12 year old girl untied me.

Well, that was cool of her.

The same girl who took
your keys.

That's impossible, the guy
who stole our keys

was probably an ex-Navy Seal
or something.

He shot me in the butt.

You should have seen the way
he handled the paintball gun.

It was a child, you idiot!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

UGH!

You okay, George?

Okay.

I'm starting to think that based
on all the times

that I busted you guys around
here for stupid stuff,

combined with the debacle of
what happened tonight,

I don't believe that you are
cut out for a life of crime.

I think we're good at it.

Whose idea was it
to steal the dog?

George, it was a way
bigger score.

I didn't need a bigger score,

all I needed was enough money
for a downpayment on a house

for when I retire next month.

But now thanks to you two
numbskulls

a 12 year old girl is leading
your bigger score out of here!

So.

We should probably...

Prevent her from doing that.

Now.

Mmmhmm.

Oh, now.

I think he might be angry
with you.

And the winner of worst
Christmas sweater goes to,

master of the chicken
quesadilla,

Taco Gigante's employee of
the month Alejandro Rodriguez!

Congratulations, I knew
you had it in you.

Speech!

Thank you JC, thank you Academy
and thank you family.

Aww!

You know, life is like
a soft taco.

If you dig inside the meat --

the protein of your choice

and the salsa added
to your specification

of mild, medium or caliente you
find the strength to stand tall

and triumph in the face
of adversity.

Meow!

Back off familia, he's mine.

Sorry you didn't win
worst sweater.

I was robbed!

Here's the truth, I was going
to choose you

but I didn't want everyone to
think that the only reason I did

was because I like you.

Even if that's just
some line you're using

to lower my defenses,
totally worked.

Yeah.

My backup plan was to impress
you with my electric log.

You do have one nice log.

But seriously, it's actually
a nostalgia machine.

Yeah, it invokes a bygone era.

A simpler time of pure ideals,
asbestos,

leaded paint.

Cheez Whiz.

Cheez Whiz.

Thank you for inviting us.

Of course.

I'm glad Crystal's here.

You know, the divorce

has definitely made her
more introverted

and she needs to go out
and do things.

Take some risks.

Uh oh!

Give it up, kid!

Is this the end of the line
for Grumpy and Crystal?

Will our heroes finally succumb
to a villain so evil

even evil isn't evil enough
to describe him?

Am I going to keep
asking questions?

I will if it annoys you.

Come back and find out.

Are you still on the edge
of your seat?

Is the dramatic tension
too thick?

Are you still here?

You are? Why?

Whatever, back to the story.

Bum bum bum bum.

Boom boom boom boom bwaaa,
dun nun nun nun nun!

Lets check in to see if I'm down
to eight lives yet.

Oh wow, shocker,
I'm still alive.

Grumpy Cat didn't die
in her own movie.

What?

Yes, I know, it's not
just about me.

Stop it, ow that hurts!

George, this isn't right!

What's Mr. Crabtree
going to do?

Oh gosh, Mr. Crabtree.

I totally forgot,
what is he going to do?

Wait, I remember.

He's going to pay me
a lot of money

to get that stupid dog back.

Ha, high five George!

No!

You're a jerk!

Yeah, who leaves
someone hanging?

Come on.

I'm the jerk.

I'm the jerk.

Me, the guy who fooled everybody

by pretending to be a big
blowhard

when in fact he was just
lulling them all

into a false sense of
complacency and trust.

That's right.

Me, the jerk?

Who rode around this mall
in that stupid scooter

enforcing the law but the whole
time all I was thinking about

was breaking it.

That jerk?

So, are you still pretending
to be a big blowhard or what?

Jerk.

I don't think so.

Pffft!

Mastermind.

Oh yes.

Oh no, yeah, you're a limp
short of being Keyser Soze.

Now, about those keys.

Yeah, those keys.

About them.

I forgot where I put them.

Oh man, what are we going to do?

We're screwed!

She's lying, right?

Obviously.

Oh.

That's very convincing.

Okay, you and you go find
a nice piranha

or scorpion to play with.

Is he serious?

Alright, now listen to me.

I'm not fooling around anymore,
Crystal,

I mean I'm out of patience.

Now, you tell me
where those keys are

or somebody is going
to get hurt.

You wouldn't really hurt
a little girl, would you?

What do I look like?

A nut job?

I'm greedy, I'm not evil,

which I think is important
to point out

are two completely
different things.

One is the foundation
of our economic system

and the other,
you know just bad.

Okay, I'm not really following
you but.

I'm not going to hurt you,
Crystal.

I will however hurt the cat.

Whoa, what? Me cat?

Don't!

Now, what was it you said about
the cat being your best friend?

So sweet, it really tugged
at my heartstrings.

Which would make it
all the worse

if something bad were to happen
to the little guy.

Grumpy.

First of all, I'm a she.

Why is that so hard to grasp?

And second of all,
pfft he's bluffing.

I'm not scared.

Now, I'm going to give you
three seconds to tell me

where those keys are or I'm
going to put the kitty cat

in the trash compactor.

No!

Whoa, he's not bluffing!

He's not bluffing!

He's petting me way
too diabolically.

Tell him Crystal,
you've got to tell him!

One!

I threw them in
the wishing well!

Oh god, thank you.

Haha.

Look at this huge frog.

We're on it.

Lets go, Patrick.

See? That wasn't so hard,
was it?

Look, I never thought
I was in danger okay?

It's my movie after all
and I'm sure

the Lifetime executives are
already thinking sequel!

Like Grumpy's Worst Vacation
Ever, Meowii Style.

Anyway, since you're still
watching this for some reason

I thought now
would be a perfect time

to see if you're interested
in my new product line!

Like Grumpy Cat golf balls,
or the Grumpy Cat dartboard.

And for the ladies a sure
fire hit, Grumpy underwear.

To see what else is new this
season please visit

Please be grumpy when you do it.

Grumpy people only.

Nice kitty.

Kind of odd looking, though.

I don't see your face
on any holiday cards.

Come on, lets get you something
to eat.

Stay!

So, anyway that's how
the story ended.

The bad guys made off with
the overpriced freak dog

and evil triumphed over good.

So sad.

I'm not going to sugarcoat
it people,

this happy, sappy Christmas
story had taken an ugly turn.

Things were looking grim
and poor Crystal,

she was looking lower than
a cat caught in a rain storm.

Can you blame her?

Once again she'd been let down
by someone,

her faith in people was shaken.

Wasn't there anyone
to step forward

in this desperate moment
to boost her spirit,

to make her feel
like not all humanity

was rotten to the core?

Don't look at me, I don't
do motivational, sorry.

That's Happy Cat.

I'm Grumpy Cat.

But truth is I dug down deep
and consulted my inner grump

and realized that it was time
to help a kid

I was actually starting
to care about.

Are you crying, Crystal?

No, I'm allergic to cats,
what do you think?

Okay, I'm going to let
that one go.

Come on Crystal,
just talk to me.

Why? What's talk going to do?

I can't change anything,
especially people.

I try to make friends, Grumpy.

I try to see the good
in everyone,

I stupidly even thought
that George was my friend.

Nope! Never was!

See?

I just feel like my life
will always be a disappointment.

I know what that's like, okay.

Trust me.

Having been bought and returned
a couple times I get it.

Can I trade her for a fish?

It makes you feel like there's
no love in the world.

It makes you feel, well, grumpy.

But you're different, Crystal,
you're full of love.

What good is love if nobody
gives it back?

That's how we feel too,
every day people walk in here

to coo over the puppies
and the rabbits

and the Jo-Jo's
and ignore us.

True dat!

Spot on, Grumpy!

Preach it, sister!

Freedom!

So, you know what?

Contrary to the sign on
the door we're not pets,

I mean until somebody takes us
home and cares for us

and loves us we're just animals.

Yup.

Well said.

Just animals.

And reptiles.

And as far as I can tell humans
are no different.

You're actually making
me sadder.

Okay, well it's your low point,
deal with it.

But what I'm trying to say
is you are loved.

Your mom loves you, look at her,
she loves you.

Taco guy loves you.

That guy loves you.

Who is that guy?

Even your dad loves you.

Why? Because you're
the amazing you.

And that is why I've decided
to adopt you.

That's right.

You're now on Team Grumpy
whether you like it or not.

In fact, from this moment
on you're all on Team Grumpy!

Team Grumpy!

Uh, can we call it
something else?

And this team is going to win.

Wearing Grumpy t-shirts and
Grumpy baseball caps

and Grumpy glow in the dark
buttons, am I right?

Boo, Team Grumpy sucks!

I don't want your swag.

Shame on you, Grumpy.

Shut up!

Every team needs a sponsor,
come on.

Do you really think we can still
do something to save the store?

Do I?

There must be a million ways
to stop these idiots.

I just haven't thought of
one yet.

Oh man.

No shocker there.

Cats blow!

Okay, wait for it, people.

I'm building here.

We implore the fates to smile
upon this ragtag assembly

of freedom fighters.

We few, we happy few,
we band of brothers.

Come on fates.

Oh, it's open.

Well, look at that.

Let me at em!

It's clobbering time.

Good show, now you're talking
G Cat.

Meow.

Thank you, Grumpy.

Time to get scary.

Oh, not me.

No.

I'll undo the young
ladies binds.

Piece of cake, really.

Hey mom, yeah, a friend is going
to give me a ride.

No.

No, you don't know him.

Yeah, I met him at the mall.

Shh, I'm going to enjoy this.

He might like pot roast.

I like pot roast.

Alright, I'll ask him
if he likes pot roast.

Pot roast?

Oh, count me in.

He's got to drive
the speed limit.

I'm, you know, wearing
my badge right?

What else am I going to do?

Surprise!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Wee!

Slimy, slithering...

Oh hello, aren't you cute.

I smell crotch.

Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let go! Let go!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let go!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, I hope he didn't
want children.

Holy crap, they're possessed.

Get back, get back all of you!

Ow! Ow!

Give me that!

How'd you get free?

With a little help
from my friends.

Ho-Yaaah!

Hands in the air, sucker!

Bawk!

Oh, give me that.

You're 12 years old.

This isn't your day, Crystal,

and it isn't your day either
you dumb animals!

This is George's day!

Come on!

What about the snacks?

We did it!

Yay!

Victory!

Um, did anyone notice
he still has the dog?

Blast, you're right.

Take back the yay.

Oh, how fortunate.

That was truly awful.

We should take kazoo caroling
door to door, no?

I wouldn't.

Neighbours called,
they think you're Satan.

Satan. Santa.

Same letters switched around.

Interesting.

And which one are you again?

There's only one way
to find out.

La, la, la, la, la, get a room.

Meow.

Sorry.

It's okay.

If you're selling
I'm not buying.

Mom, it's Crystal!

Whose phone is this?

George and those
two other morons

are trying to steal Jo-Jo!

Slow down, who's Jo-Jo?

He's a really expensive dog!

Wait, wait, where are you?

At the mall!

What are you doing at the mall?

And what are you doing not
in the other room?

I came back to see Grumpy.

Hey mom.

Because she can talk to me.

I am so confused right now.

Mom, just get here quick.

Call the police
and Mr. Crabtree.

I can hold them off
until you get here.

Wait, Crystal, no you have
to leave there right now!

Gotta go!

Hello?

Excellent, the plot is
finally coming together.

That moment of literary alchemy
when smoke turns to fire!

Now, if only I could remember
where I put my mousey toy.

Of the Serengeti. To Catvent

Shh, we're on safari!

Watch the female hippo
follow the male hippo

into the watering hole.

Soon, the two will batter
each other with their snouts

in a splashtastic mating frenzy.

Oops, sorry that's my other
show, um,

also on this network
and available on demand.

Anyway, Crystal.

Hiyeah!

Bad guy.

This is George's day!

Some dog.

I like pot roast.

And me.

Um, did anyone notice he still
has the dog?

And now back to our show.

We can't let them get away
with Jo-Jo.

Dude, I have like $8
here already.

What's with all the pennies man,
people are so cheap.

Hey!

Oh hey, George, we were
just coming for you.

What the hell are you doing?

Be awhile until I get another
parking ticket.

Look at all this coin, man.

Ow.

Will you two knuckleheads
freaking focus,

where are the keys?

Right here, man.

Ow.

Good thing you didn't go
commando, right?

Yeah, because somebody
did a crappy job

tying up the little girl.

Should I name names?

Does it start with a Z?

Or a D?

Can we just get out of here?

Now!

Yay, we're going to save
the day.

I'm going to call
Crabtree tomorrow

and I'm going to state
our terms.

State our terms!

Alright, when we get the buyer
to pay up

do you two idiots think that you
can handle the exchange?

Hell yeah.

Where are you going to be?

Well, my timeline has changed.

I'm leaving tonight.

And by the way, guess who gets
to drop me off at the airport?

As long as you chip in for gas.

You could pay us back, bro.
It's no biggie.

Oh no, we're too late!

Grumpy?

Don't question this,
just hop in sister!

Grumpy, are you serious?

Of course I'm serious,
look at my face!

Buckle up.

But you're a cat,
how are you going to...

How is this even possible?

You can't even reach the pedals!

Thanks, you had to say that.

Is this not my movie?

Why couldn't you just
go with it?

Okay, that never happened.

This did.

Oh no, we're too late!

We'll never catch them on this!

Lets take the Camaro!

I don't know how to drive!

Don't worry, it's like riding
a bike

but everything is different
so you have to be careful

or you could die.

Why not.

Try the visor.

Aha!

How did you?

We are in a movie!

Punch it.

Come on, come on,
they're getting away.

Meow!

Did we die?

Am I in heaven?

Is my brother Arturo here?

Arturo?

Oh my god, what did I do?

Ha, something I've been wanting
to do since Thanksgiving.

But maybe we should try going
forward this time.

Could you have parked
any further away?

We scored the shade tree,
we never get this spot.

It's night!

And what's with the clown car,

could it be any smaller?

Hey, I'm reducing
my carbon footprint.

Hey, I'm going to put a
footprint right up your -

Meow!

I promise you a car chase
and I'm delivering a car chase.

Yeah!

I'm driving!

I'm driving!

I can't believe I'm driving!

Those are doors!

I know that!

This is the moment where
we're going to blast

through this wall of glass

as a hail of crystal shards
rain down on our triumphant,

heroic figures.

Okay, so here's the deal.

We had every intention
of shattering that thing

but unfortunately we didn't have
the budget for it, okay?

Not my problem.

This is great.

Is everybody comfortable?

I'm actually a little cold.

Turn the heat up, my man.

Don't mind if I do, old chap.

It kind of smells in here.

How'd you morons fit all
your band equipment

in this puke bucket anyway?

Oh, have you ever played Tetris?

It's kind of like that.

But not anymore because
we're getting a tour bus!

Tour bus!

What the?

It's Crystal!

Aw, why didn't we take
the Camaro?

Lets dance, clown car!

That's it, Crystal.

Surround them in
a circle of death.

Oh god, I think
I'm getting sick.

We need to find a way in.

Crystal?

Whoa, meow!

Meow!

We've got to stop them.

Pass them on the left.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

This is awesome.

What is this kid doing?

Meow.

Wow, have you done this before?

What do I do, Grumpy?

This kind of throw down requires
nerves of steel.

And a better soundtrack.

Ugh, I said better.

Okay good, thank you,
that's more like it.

*

Time to finish what we started.

*

Are you ready?

*

Just go!

Step on it and don't flinch.

This is so cool!

Why did I let you talk me
into this?

Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhhh!

For those of you who are
keeping score

we did have enough in
the budget to destroy

that cheap piece of scenery.

Yes!

Uh, Crystal?

Uh, crash positions!

Meow!

Grumpy, no!

Grumpy?

Grump, talk to me.

Meow!

Please talk to me.

Meow!

Grumpy, no, no, no, no, please.

You're my only friend.

I need you to say something,
anything.

Gotcha.

You jerk!

Haha, I can talk.

Please, like the Lifetime execs
would blow their chance

for a sequel with the internets
biggest cash cat.

Meow.

Hey, watch the hair.

Ow, you're being very aggressive
with my money makers, man.

You heard me, I'm a fellow
officer.

I'll take that, thank you.

Oh hey Crabtree,
thanks for coming.

Ow!

Lets go!

Ow! You're hitting me!

That was assault.

They did it! They did it!

I didn't do anything!

I'm an undercover cop.

Crystal.

Mom, Jesse!

Thank god.

So glad you're okay.

Hey, where's the concern for me?

You had me worried.

I'm fine.

Those guys didn't do anything
to you, did they?

That's a different kind
of Lifetime movie,

if you know what I mean.

No, mom.

Did I see you driving a Camaro?

Yeah, but for the record
it was her idea.

Is this the cat you said talks?

I knew you wouldn't believe me.

It's okay, the good news is

there are people
who can help you.

We will get you the treatment
that you need.

Mom, just forget I said
anything okay?

I thought you wanted me
to make friends,

you just never told me with who.

Meow.

Alright.

I don't care.

You are a good kid
and I love you.

I love you too.

I love you, meow.

And I'm going to tell
you something

you probably didn't know.

When I was your age

I had an invisible friend,

so at least yours is real.

I knew it, Crystal's mom's
a loser.

Thanks, mom.

She deserves an elf.

Hey there, little lady.

Hey, Mr. Crabtree.

Crystal, you saved Jo-Jo
and you saved my store.

Yup, she sure did.

You're like a hero.

But you also stole my key
and broke into the store.

Yeah, about that.

So, to pay for the damage

I'm going to have
to dock your pay.

But you don't pay me.

Right, well then I could make
you employee of the month.

Really?

Well, there's only the two
of you

and to be honest Corben's
kind of useless.

Wish I was kidding.

What?

Thank you so much.

Ugh, all this sweetness
is killing me.

Literally.

Or is it figuratively.

Either way I don't like it.

Hello?

Hello?

I could use a little help here.

Hello?

Come on!

Alright.

Come on, slowpoke.

I'm coming!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I guess Santa didn't come
this year.

Why do you say that?

Because I didn't get
what I wished for.

Which was?

I was hoping I would get
to adopt Grumpy.

Alright, surprise, it's me!

Merry Christmas.

Grumpy!

Yeah, yeah, surprise.

Hey!

Oh god.

Hey girl.

Merry Christmas!

All right, lets take it slow
okay?

This is the best Christmas ever.

Sure, go ahead, ignore
the title of my movie.

Merry Christmas!

Hey!

Looks like Santa brought me
a present too.

Does she mean the coffee
or the elf?

Hahaha, good one Grumpy.

This is going to take
some getting used to.

Meow.

Ho, ho, ho.

So, remember, make
your Christmas wish

and old Saint Nick will

Beat it, tubs.

Alright everyone, put your
Grumpy faces on and sing.

* Jingle bells,
Christmas smells, *

* and it's really dumb. *

* Worse are movies
about Christmas *

* so I hope you
all are glum. *

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ha ha!

"Have a very Grumpy Christmas.

It's the most terrible time
of the year.

Bah Humbug.