Grumpier Old Men (1995) - full transcript

Moron.

Putz. Where are they biting?

Pop says that he spotted

Catfish Hunter at Indian Slough.

Catfish Hunter?

Maybe this is the year we catch him!

Where do you get that "we" crap?

That fish belongs to me.

I'll let you visit him

when he's mounted on my wall!

Honey?

You forgot your Thermos.

Hi, Ariel.

See you later.

That's my fish!

Come on, just one good bite.

I got you!

Hey, dickhead!

Turn that radio down!

You're scaring all the fish away!

Turn the damn radio down, will you?

Who put a bug up your ass?

I saw him.

Catfish Hunter?

After I dropped anchor,

he stuck his head up over by that log.

He just looked at me, smiled,

and swam down into the mud.

He smiled?

Holy moly! How big is he this year?

He's the size of a Buick. I would've

had him if you hadn't shown up.

You couldn't catch crabs

from a $10 hooker.

How is your sister?

I saw Sven down at the dam.

He's says there's a rumor...

...that Rick Ragetti's cousin's

coming to buy Chuck's Bait.

An Italian running Chuck's?

We'll have the first mob-run

bait shop in Wabasha.

What are you doing?

I was here first.

I got just as much right

to be here as you do!

You got bad luck.

You'll infect my spot.

Find your own hole!

Holy moly! You got a fart

in your brain or something?

And turn that down!

Where you going?

Not far.

What's the matter with that guy?

Getting goofier every year.

You don't have the balls

to take me on anymore!

Ariel's had you neutered!

Let's see what you're made of!

Let that be a lesson to you!

You putz!

All right, you chicken-livered schmeer.

Get out of here!

Isn't it beautiful?

The lava lamp?

The angel.

Ariel says he watches over the house.

Don't get too used to him. Our house

will be ready soon, then we're gone.

How long have you been up?

For a while.

What'd you do?

Watched you.

I'm up!

-Yes, you are!

-Morning, honey.

Go downstairs.

I'll be right out to make you breakfast.

She hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

She just doesn't like you very much.

I'll check out some reception halls

for the wedding.

I talked to Pop.

-He's already booked a place.

-He did?

That's great.

Did he get the Radisson?

No.

The Dance Hall?

That would've been great. But no.

The Majestic Ballroom?

Not even close.

What's left?

Slippery's Tavern.

You're serious?

I know it's not what we wanted.

It's been my dream to have it in a bar

with peanut shells on the floor.

It's a tavern.

It's a bar.

I'll call him to cancel.

We'll find a place.

Forget it.

Are you sure?

It was my idea

to let them help plan the wedding.

It was a great idea.

It is nice to see them getting along.

Amazing how well they're getting along.

What, "ha?"

Remember "ha?"

You didn't win. I quit.

I got better things to do.

Really? What?

We got a wedding to plan.

Remember?

How can I forget?

See you later, John!

See you later, Max.

Hey, Pop.

He's here.

Catfish Hunter?

He's by the sandbar.

You know the damn fish

is older than I am?

Thanks.

What the hell is this?

That's light beer.

I weight ninety goddamn pounds

and you bring me this slopping foam?

Ariel's got me on a diet

because my cholesterol's too high.

Let me tell you something, Johnnie.

Last Thursday I turned 95 years old.

And I never exercised a day in my life.

Every morning, I wake up...

...and I smoke a cigarette.

And then I eat five strips of bacon.

And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich.

And for a midday snack....

Bacon.

A whole damn plate!

And I usually drink my dinner.

According to all of them...

...flat-belly experts...

...I should've took a dirt nap

like 30 years ago!

But each year comes and goes

and I'm still here.

And they keep dying.

You know?

Sometimes I wonder...

...if God forgot about me.

It just goes to show you, huh?

What?

Goes to show you what?

What the hell are you talking about?

You said you drink beer,

you eat bacon...

...and you smoke cigarettes,

and outlive the experts.

Yeah?

I thought there's a moral.

No, there ain't no moral.

I just like that story.

That's all.

I like that story.

Good afternoon.

It's good to see you too.

Aren't you beautiful today?

Are you thirsty?

There we go. Drink up!

Drink up.

That's right.

There we go, there we go.

Drink up.

Isn't it a glorious afternoon?

It's not bad.

You okay? Feeling all right?

Splendid. Why?

I couldn't help noticing

you were talking to flowers.

Plants and flowers

are living organisms and...

...they respond to voice and touch

like any other creature would.

You should try it yourself.

I got a cactus in my bathroom,

but we got nothing to say.

I better get going.

See you.

I'm cooking Cantonese tonight.

Why don't you join us?

Well, I already made other plans.

Are you sure?

Thanks, anyway.

Appreciate it.

What happens when Bonnie and Clyde

turn out to be Bonnie and Bonnie?

"Lesbian Bandits" next on Geraldo.

Lesbians. Yummy.

Yeah, but I like those.

Can I do this?

You've got to wait.

Why don't we put everything in?

Yeah, throw it all in there.

I need to borrow a screwdriver.

Hi, Jacob. You been here long?

-No.

-Phillips.

Isn't it time you started dating again?

Who with?

Florence Gilbert, for example,

thinks you're quite a catch.

She looks like Ernest Borgnine.

Is that so bad?

What about Jane Clark?

"Jane of the Jungle."

Got more body hair than I do. She's

a furbearing mammal, for Godsakes!

Doris Zabrinski?

I know she's a little heavy

but she loves to fish.

Doris Zabrinski...

...is dead.

She is?

She choked to death

on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago...

...at the Lions Club charity breakfast.

I think it's how

she would have wanted to go.

Listen to me...

...you can't sit around waiting

for another Ariel to come by.

Thanks for the Phillips.

Remember when you were a kid...

...your mother baked

that rhubarb pie for my birthday?

She swelled up like a balloon.

Broke out in hives.

She didn't know she was allergic.

She knew!

She baked it anyway

because she knew it was my favorite.

Why'd you think of that?

I don't know.

I think about

things like that all the time.

You all right?

Get out and let me watch my program.

Close the door when you go.

I don't want mosquitoes in here.

They're crazy about

my macaroni and cheese dish.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Hey, wait a second!

My name is Max Goldman.

Would you relax!

Mama, what are you doing?

I'm going to whack him!

-Put it down!

-He try to steal the vino rosso!

You think everyone's doing that!

-They are!

-This is a small town.

You can trust people here.

Like Antonio?

Next time he touch vino...

...I whack his head like a melon!

Holy moly.

I'm so sorry.

My mother is a little bit

too protective of the wine.

So I noticed.

She crushed the grapes

herself in Palermo.

It's a rare vintage

with unique bouquet.

Is that a nice way of saying

that the wine smells like her feet?

No.

My name's Max Goldman.

I live in the area here.

Maria Sofia Colletta Ragetti.

That's quite a name.

You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin!

Yeah. Why so surprised?

Holy moly.

I thought.... I was expecting

someone that looked like Rick.

How's that?

You know, fat, hairy, homely.

But you're not so fat.

You're a smooth talker.

There's more where that

came from, Miss Ragetti.

When is the bait shop going to be

back in business?

Bait shop?

What's that?

That's what we call it in Minnesota.

-What do you call it where you're from?

-We call it, I think, ristorante.

Ristorante.

You mean you're going to turn this

into a restaurant?

You can't be serious.

Why not?

There's going to be a lot of noise here,

people coming.

Driving with cars.

You'll scare the fish.

This is the land of 10,000 lakes.

Go find another one.

You're wasting your time,

I'm telling you.

People are not going

to come down here for Italian...

...when we got

a Chuck E. Cheese in town.

Listen, I don't know

this Cheese person.

But Ragetti's will be

a romantic lakefront ristorante.

It will be special,

classy...somewhere...

...you would never go.

You can say that again.

There's so much to do

before the opening of my ristorante.

Bait shop.

Ristorante.

Bait-a shoppie!

You should've let me whack him!

I'm done.

Pop, I wish you'd try

the low-fat bacon.

You can wish in one hand,

and crap in the other...

...and see which gets filled first.

This wagon's got to get filled first.

I'll be back.

Pick me up a pack of Camels.

All right, you got it.

You need a hand with that?

My name's Gustafson.

Francesca Ragetti.

Italian girl.

Why don't you come back to my place?

I'll show you my cannelloni.

-Hi, Chris.

-How you doing?

Fine.

Ox!

Nag!

-Hey, moron.

-Putz. I've been looking for you!

-Why? What's so important?

-That.

Jeez Louise, who is that?

That's Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin.

You mean she's going to run

the bait shop?

Ristorante.

Forget about leaving your boat there.

It's all private property.

Chuck'd be spinning in his grave

if he knew about this.

You can say that again.

I guess there's nothing much we can do.

You're just going to stand there

and let all this happen?

I've been fishing that spot ever since

I'm 5 years old. It's all I got left.

What can I do about it?

We must come up with a plan.

We must find a way

to put the kibosh on all this mess.

It's okay!

I'm a doctor!

Sounds like Dad's using

his "free exam" trick again.

You got to stick with what works.

Ask Jacob if he can pull some strings

with the city council.

Find out what day this ristorante

has its health inspection.

I think I got an idea.

That's good thinking.

Dad!

Max is right. Our fishing spot

will be totally ruined.

They may as well drain the lake!

Stop moving.

You know the sign she put up?

"Parking for restaurant customers only."

Just a little while longer.

Maybe they'll have

a grease fire in the kitchen.

A guy can dream, can't he?

You got to let this thing go, honey.

Got to let it go.

Chuck is gone, the bait shop

is gone, things move on.

I suggest you do the same.

Stop fidgeting!

I don't know why the hell I ever

let you talk me into doing this.

If Max could see me now,

I'd never live it down.

Would you relax?

We're the only ones here.

No one's here but you and me.

What a putz.

Will you look at that poor man?

And then the mama bear said:

"Somebody's been sleeping

in my bed too."

And finally, the baby bear...

...looked and said,

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed...

...and the bastard's still there."

But Goldilocks

had a Remington semiautomatic...

...with a scope and a hair-trigger.

That's not the way it goes.

That was the end...

...of the three bears.

Sing me a lullaby.

It's too late.

Please!

Stars shining bright above you

Light breezes seem

to whisper, "I love you"

Birds singing in the sycamore tree

Dream...

...a little dream of me

Say nighty-night

Kiss me

Just hug me tight

And tell me you'll miss me

While stars are shining

Bright as can be

Dream a little dream of me

Good night, sweet pea.

Good night.

Happy dreams.

That leaves Uncle Willy

sitting next to the plant lady.

I'm not sticking

the plant lady next to him.

Why not?

Because he's a groper.

He'll be all over her.

He's not a groper.

He's a touchy-feely person.

He's not going to be touchy-feely

with the plant lady.

She's not a close friend. We don't

know her name. "The plant lady."

She's still important.

Fine.

Good.

Don't put the quarter in your mouth.

You're not my dad.

What is that?

A bacon sandwich.

What are you doing?

Finishing the seating arrangement.

You don't have to.

Max and I already have a plan.

You guys have done

way too much already.

Hello, children.

Hey, moron.

Putz.

You...

...find the rat?

No, but Allie said

we can borrow Sparky.

What if he gets away?

I made a leash.

Good thinking.

What are you going to do?

Wait.

I don't want to know.

-It's men talk.

-See you later.

Where's the quarter?

Did you swallow a quarter?

I'll call a doctor.

Relax!

Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Sure! If she craps out

two dimes and a nickel...

...then you can start worrying, huh?

Come here.

Personally clean every little corner.

Just look.

Like a mirror.

Miss Ragetti, everything appears

to be up to our standards.

I'm very glad.

Of course, appearances

can be deceiving.

We'll see. We'll see.

What do you think?

Unleash the beast.

You will be wearing your hairnet

when you're cooking?

What did she say?

She said, "Yes, sir, of course."

Everything seems to be in order.

-Act rabid.

-Be rabid.

Good luck to you in there, schmuck.

It's a rat!

A rat? Here?

Vermin infestation!

I'm writing you up.

Wait!

It's not a rat, it's a--

It's a guinea pig.

It's a guinea pig.

What are the chances that a guinea pig

would run through here...

...on an inspection day?

Well, lately, I must say

that the chances are pretty good.

Ox.

Nag.

I don't think we've met.

I'm Maria Ragetti.

John Gustafson.

You like Italian, Mr. Gustafson?

Yeah, I guess so. Why?

Arrivederci, boys.

Should we ask her

for some garlic bread?

How could I be so wrong?

You have a gift.

Not one customer all day.

I mean, besides him.

More vino, señorita!

You go.

It's your turn.

I put his bib on.

What's the matter, beautiful?

You're meaner than a dog...

...shitting tacks.

We put everything into this place!

We could have retired in Hawaii!

I have been to Hawaii.

Which island?

Come-on-l-want-to-lay-you.

I find you disgusting.

Just as long

as you find me, dear.

You want to join me, Miss Ragetti?

What the hell.

That a girl.

Ding, dong, the witch is dead.

Here's to us.

And to those like us.

Yeah, there's damn few of us left.

That's a damn good thing.

To Chuck.

May his bait shop never die.

Get dressed!

We go to town.

Praise the Lord!

Holy moly.

Is this seat taken?

Beware.

The devil is a beautiful lady

in a red dress.

Can I get you something, ma'am?

Yes, please. It's so hot in here.

Maybe some...

...water will cool me down.

I've been thinking...

...it's such a shame

we got off on the wrong foot.

It's a shame.

I'll bet if we give it

another chance, we could...

...become good friends.

Friends?

Or maybe...

...even more than friends.

Go easy. Go easy, baby.

This feels so much better.

So nice.

So cool.

So nice.

How do you feel?

Friendly, friendly.

I wish I could feel like you...

...but this silly feud of ours

has got me so upset.

What silly feud of ours?

It's a tiny little ristorante.

You will never even know...

...it's there.

Ristorante...

...never!

You are a stubborn man!

Ragetti's will be

a very great success!

You shall see!

Not in my lifetime!

You evil temptress!

Maria Ragetti?

How do you know who I am?

You do sort of stand out

in a town like this.

I don't usually dress like this.

You look very nice.

I look like...

...a slut.

But a nice slut.

I want to introduce myself.

My name is Ariel Gustafson.

I want to say how sorry I am for what

Max and John are putting you through.

You know how some people

have trouble saying good-bye?

Believe me,

it has nothing to do with you.

Why do you say such nice things?

You don't even know me.

Because I know what it's like

to be the new kid in town.

Here comes another one.

Hello, boys.

Honey, how was class?

You two must be happy with yourselves.

I just ran into Maria

and she's in tears.

She thinks everybody hates her.

She's right.

John, I want you to go right down

to Ragetti's and apologize.

For what?

We tried to tell her.

She should've listened to us.

I'll meet you at home, honey.

I always knew you were on a short leash,

but not that you were on a choke collar.

Nobody's in charge

in my house except me.

That's the way to talk, Gustafson!

I'm going home to get this matter

straightened out.

You're the man of the house, the king.

Max, top her off?

Long live the king!

She threw me out.

-Come on, just for tonight.

-Forget it.

You won't know I'm here!

Because you won't be!

What?

I'm cold!

Here's some matches!

Set yourself on fire!

You got 3 TV's on.

You're not looking at any of them!

What a pig.

That's my tuna on rye.

I've been looking all over for that.

Where was it?

Would you like half?

This milk has chunks in it.

What's your point?

What am I doing?

Next door...

...I've got a beautiful wife,

my own bed...

...and a refrigerator full of food

that hasn't expired.

What're you saying?

I'm going down to Ragetti's

to apologize!

You traitor! You Benedict Arnold!

Finally.

Didn't think he'd last this long.

Smells all right.

Why this change of heart?

I had a guilty conscience.

Ariel kicked me out of the house.

I knew I liked your wife.

What about Max?

Oh, my God, forget it. Max is much

too hardheaded to ever say he's sorry.

He's proud.

Of what?

I don't know. He has a strong

character, and I admire that.

You admire Max?

You really are from out of town.

Be careful. The grappa is very strong.

You are speaking to a Gustafson. I can

hold my liquor. And this stuff too.

How long you been married?

Six months next week. How about you?

I'm divorced.

I'm sorry.

Antonio was....

That sounds bad.

It ain't good.

Oh, jeez.

Enough of that.

I don't want to bore you.

Good night, Ariel.

Hey, Jacob. How are you?

Thanks for the Phillips.

Melanie and I wanted

to thank you and John--

We just wanted

you and John to know...

...how much we appreciate the help

you've given us with the wedding.

No need to thank me.

Yes, but--

Nothing would make us happier

than to see you tying the knot.

Thanks.

And it means a great deal to me

to be a part of it.

I'm proud of you.

Studying up on your Italian?

Thinking of wooing Maria?

No, I'm going to curse at her

in her own language, that's all.

I think she's a lesbian anyway.

You've never even seen a lesbian.

I did too! Saw them on "Geraldo"!

Whatever.

I think you got the hots for her.

Not in a million years.

She's just a pig-headed Italian witch...

...with piss and vinegar

running through her veins.

He's in love.

Where're you going?

Sven saw Catfish Hunter

at Indian Slough. Thought I'd go look.

Where's Tweedledum?

I don't know.

You don't know?

He didn't spend the night here?

No. Last night he said he was going

to Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.

You mean to tell me

he didn't come home?

He's alive.

-Take these, you'll feel better.

-What happened?

You passed out.

I thought you should stay.

I feel like a polka band

is playing in my head.

You'll feel better after a hot shower.

But I don't really need a hot shower.

What if he had an accident?

The only accident he'll have

is when I see him.

I'm sure there's

a logical explanation for all this.

It must be nice,

living in Never-Never Land.

Maybe I'll visit you sometime

when I need a break from reality.

Step on it.

He's going to explain everything...

...and I'll listen carefully...

...then I'll kill him.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

All right, where is he?

-We know he's in here! Where is he?

-Don't deny it!

You don't understand.

I want to talk to him now!

Well, let me explain!

What? What's the matter with...?

-Nothing's going on.

-Where is John?

Wait a minute!

How could you?

This isn't what it looks like.

Gustafson, you're doing it again!

What do you mean?

First it was May! Then it was Ariel!

And now it's Maria!

Watch that damn thing.

You said you hated Maria.

That's not the point!

You're the one who said

I should apologize!

Apologize, yes! Not sleep with her!

There is a difference!

You think I had sex with him?

You sure weren't having sex with me!

Why should I have sex with you?

You said you hated me!

He said I hated you!

I never said I hated you!

Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!

So now I'm supposed

to have sex with you instead of him!

So you admit you slept with my husband!

Nobody slept with anybody!

Speak for yourself!

I had too much to drink last night.

Sure. Blame it on the booze.

You think that's an acceptable excuse

for what you did?

Will you let me finish?

I know my Maria. She don't want

nothing to do with that man.

How do you know?

Because!

She wants that man!

Me?

What do you want with me?

What does that mean?

"I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt!"

So, I'll call you?

Three tiers like this!

The lemon cake with the white frosting

and the yellow flowers. You like?

-Perfect.

-Exactly what we wanted.

And now...

...for the big surprise.

What surprise?

We don't want surprises.

John thought of this by himself.

The groom goes here.

And the bride...

...goes on top, like this.

And then this goes here.

And then on top of the cake,

in the frosting...

...we spell out:

"Melanie has landed herself

another husband."

This is not good.

Maria

I just met a girl named Maria

And suddenly I see

She's not the bitch

I thought she'd be

Ox.

Nag.

I didn't know you were a fisherman.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

Any luck?

Holy moly!

I showed you mine,

now you show me yours.

You mean the fish.

It ain't the size that matters.

Are we still talking about your fish?

Very funny.

You know...

...I've lived here all my life.

Nobody knows about this place any more

than I do. I know everything.

I could take you around...

...if you would like it.

Are you asking me on a date?

Hell, no.

But if I were, and I'm not,

what would you say?

If I were to accept,

and I'm not saying I would....

Because I haven't asked you.

I would say....

What would you say?

Maybe.

Maybe? What kind of

an answer is "Maybe?"

Maybe's maybe.

Then maybe I'll stop by at 7:00 tonight.

Maybe I'll cook something nice

for you in the kitchen.

I'll see you then.

Maybe.

Whatever that means.

What do you think?

Wouldn't it make me look fat?

You should be so picky.

He's got the face of a mackerel!

Antonio had the face of an angel

and look where it got me.

How many times do you have to get

your heart broken?

Max is different, Mama.

He makes me laugh.

I don't like this. Not one bit.

But it's just a date.

I'm not marrying him.

Not yet.

"Not yet."

Sure you like the white better?

Definitely the blue.

I'm a little nervous.

Oh, come on.

Just be yourself. You'll be fine.

Why don't you pick up a bottle of wine

on the way? She'll appreciate it.

Check.

And don't forget. Compliment her

on how great she looks.

-Already got that covered.

-Let me hear it.

There may be lots of fish in the sea...

...but you're the only one

I would like to mount over my fireplace.

That's not...bad.

You noticed the sexual innuendo?

I did.

Subliminal messages.

It's how you get people to do what

you want without them knowing it.

-Where'd you learn that?

-"Geraldo."

Oh, boy.

Very nice.

I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop.

Had all the seats refinished.

It's authentic imitation leather.

Go get them, tiger.

You got nothing to worry about.

He's doomed.

There are many fish in the sea, Maria...

...but you're the only one I want

to mount over my fireplace.

You're the only one....

Holy moly.

Good evening, Maria.

Good evening.

You look nice.

Thank you.

I just want to say....

What I'm trying to say is....

There are many women

floating in the river...

...but you're the only one

I want to stuff...

...and stick over...

...on my wall over the fireplace.

Thank you so much.

Want to come in?

Please.

I didn't say it right.

I've never seen wine

that comes from a box before.

It's pretty fancy, huh?

Look, it's even got its own tap.

-It's real wine.

-That's great.

So, how do you like the old place?

It's changed.

Is that good or bad?

It's the worst.

I hate change.

Why?

Things never change for the better.

Change brought me here to Wabasha.

Are you saying you wish I hadn't come?

Is that a trick question?

You see?

Now the weather has changed!

So much for dining al fresco.

Holy moly.

I'm all wet.

It's really coming down now.

You know,

the night crawlers'll be out soon.

What's a night crawler?

Are you a communist?

Night crawler's the king of all worms.

They come out at night,

after the rain, to lay out on the grass.

Breathe the night air.

This restaurant is sitting on top of one

of the biggest and best worm beds...

...in Wabasha County!

You can imagine my excitement.

Honey, would you stop worrying?

Max is going to be just fine.

I hope so.

I may have given him

some bad advice earlier.

What'd you say?

I told him....

I told him...

...to just be himself.

You said what?

Don't shine the light right on them.

They zip back into their holes.

So I should....

Like this?

Up, down. Yeah.

You know...

...that worms have both...

...male and female sexual organs?

-No, I didn't know that.

-Well, it's true.

You know a lot about worms, Max.

I don't know that much.

You do.

Every once in a while I pick up a tip.

That's it. That's good.

There's one.

There.

Quietly now.

-What should I do?

-Tiptoe over.

And then suddenly,

reach down and grab him.

When you get near him, grab him.

You all right, Maria?

You scared every worm away

for a radius of 5 miles.

I'm sorry.

What?

You have a very beautiful smile.

Would it be all right if I kissed you?

Yes.

I haven't been with a man

for a long time.

Me neither.

Be gentle.

Mamma mia.

Holy moly.

Morning, Mr. Gustafson.

I don't believe it.

You and that beautiful lady?

I am the thief of hearts.

I am the gangster of love.

Tell me, was it more of a holdup

than a stickup?

Never mind that.

Even your infantile penis jokes

seem charming and witty this morning.

Okay, Lothario, we got to get

to the Octoberfest to meet the kids.

I think I liked you better

before you were getting any.

-Hi, dear.

-Hi, dad.

What's going on?

We got a surprise.

No more surprises.

Attention!

In just 8 days...

...these two happy kids

will be husband and wife!

My dear friends...

...Max and John...

...have asked me...

...Handsome Hans...

...to be their music man!

Let's celebrate the young lovers'

nuptials with the Chicken Polka!

Come on, you're going to love this.

I'm in "The Twilight Zone."

Another one

of your father's great ideas.

Your father booked our reception hall!

Handsome Hans will fit

right in Slippery's bar!

It's a tavern.

It's a mistake.

Right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.

That's not what I meant.

I want to get married.

But if you're not sure, tell me.

I'm just not sure.

You tell me this now?

-Our wedding's in a week!

-Jacob, I love you.

-You just don't want to marry!

-That's not it!

I think we should take our time!

I've been taking my time! How does

waiting since the 2nd grade grab you?

Would you stop it!

It's like you are already married!

Polka!

I know what I'm talking about.

Really? Then how come

you're the one that's divorced?

Honey?

-The wedding's off.

-What do you mean?

We already paid for everything!

Honey? What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you.

Your daughter got cold feet.

My ass! Your son insulted her.

Everything he said was true.

Maybe she can't handle the truth!

She can't? What is the truth, Max?

Her first marriage was a flop.

You know that was Mike's fault!

She couldn't keep Mike happy.

How can she keep Jacob happy?

That's a lousy thing....

My daughter wouldn't marry your son

if he was the last man in Wabasha.

Fine with me. I was against

the whole thing from the start.

That goes double for me.

It's off!

Yes, everything is off!

The wedding is off

and the friendship is off!

And the gloves are off.

Let the games begin.

Come on, baby!

Come to Papa!

Yes! That a boy!

That's it!

Oh, damn you, Goldman!

What a putz!

Here's your card.

-That's it for you?

-That'll do it.

-Have a nice day, Mr. Gustafson.

-Thanks. Same to you.

You dance very well.

Thank you.

I got this for you.

Hope you don't mind.

It's a cubic zirconia.

Got it from the Home Shopping Network.

It's so beautiful.

Let me help you.

See how it looks.

Just put that like that.

You don't like it?

No, it's beautiful. It's just....

Just what?

I don't know.

Things are moving so fast.

What's wrong with fast?

I like fast.

I didn't plan on meeting somebody

like you when I came to Wabasha.

But you're happy, huh?

Yes, but that is what worries me.

What do you mean?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you, Max.

Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.

Get out of there!

Holy moly.

You just...

...kissed your ninth life

good-bye, Slick!

This one is very sweet.

That one, with the big tongue

and brown eyes, is great.

This one?

-This one?

-Yes. One eye.

No nuts.

You mean Lucky. You don't want him.

I'll take him.

Here, Lucky.

He's cute.

Good morning, Slick.

What a nice kitty-cat.

Yes, you are.

And I see you've crapped

on my newspaper again.

Would you like to make

a new friend this morning?

Lucky!

Kill Slick!

Kill Slick!

Everything's under control.

How do you like that, you putz?

Why you dirty...!

I'll kill you!

You ruined my refinished seats!

You broadcast my naked ass

to half of Wabasha!

Big deal! Take that, you vandal!

You nearly killed my cat!

That mangy animal's been crapping

on my paper for years!

Give me that pole!

That pole, huh?!

That's it.

If my dog was as ugly as you...

...I'd shave his ass

and teach him to walk backwards!

That trick doesn't work.

Time out. Where are you going?

Home. You can call me

when this stupid war is over!

She left me.

Are you surprised?

There we are.

So good.

Now...

...you want to put in...

...just a pinch of salt.

Damn it.

Not too much.

Yeah, now you tell me!

Not too salty.

Shut up.

There we are. Add some garnish here.

Time to check the birds.

The bird.

Fire!

Fire!

I got a fire here!

Absolutely perfect.

Anybody can make these. It's simple.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner...

...for Maria.

-Look at this.

-She'll be impressed.

Tell her it's Cajun.

And what do you call this?

Haven't decided.

But I'm leaning toward "Mystery Stew."

Is that right?

Maybe you need a backup plan.

What else can you make?

-Jelly sandwiches.

-Get cracking.

I used to love jelly sandwiches

with peanut butter.

So did you, when you were a kid.

Go over and tell her you're sorry.

I tried to. She won't even talk to me.

Not that I blame her.

You spend too much time

with this Max Goldman.

I like him, mamma. A lot.

He'll break your heart, like the others.

No, this time it's different.

You said Fernando was different,

and look what happened.

I was a girl, mamma!

And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.

That was a long time ago.

Marcello, the womanizer,

was not that long ago.

I'm not listening.

And next came Carlo, the con man.

-Are you finished?

-I wish!

But then I would be forgetting Antonio!

All five I warn you against...

...and all five you marry!

You are a good girl...

...but you are cursed in love.

That isn't true.

For once, Maria, listen to your mama.

Do you care for him?

Yes.

Then leave him be.

There's a smile on my face

For the whole human race

Almost like being in love

I've really done it this time.

I've really screwed it up.

Jake and Melanie called it off.

Jake's moved in with Max,

Max and I are at it again and...

...Ariel's moved back into her house

with Melanie. What am I going to do?

Looks like God remembered you, Pop.

I'm sorry.

Hey, moron.

Hello, putz.

Mind if I join you?

No, help yourself.

I knew your old man longer

than I knew my own.

He was always fond of you.

He was a good man.

The best.

You know I didn't mean

what I said about Melanie.

You know how I really feel about Jacob.

He's a good boy.

I just don't want him to be Ionely.

He deserves better.

He deserves Melanie.

What do you want to do now?

Want to get drunk?

Yeah.

Come on, Grandpa John, hurry.

I'm coming. But you already

got enough candy in this bag...

...to give the neighborhood cavities.

What will you do to ensure that

6 months from now you feel happier...

...and more loved than you do today?

The truth is,

if you don't do something...

...nothing in life will change.

Stop the insanity!

What are you feeding him?

Hormel chili.

He likes it.

Trick or treat.

Yeah, trick or treat.

I forgot.

Just plain forgot.

Hiya, kids.

Here's your coaster.

And a stapler for you.

Open your bag. That's it. Good shot.

Happy Halloween.

Hi, Uncle Max.

Who's that?

-Hello, Allie.

-Is Allie here? Look at you.

Let me hear a polar bear growl.

Happy Halloween there, putzo.

How'd you know it's me?

You wear the same costume

every Christmas or whatever this--

Halloween.

Hey, you. How's your mom doing?

Okay. Want to come over?

Yeah, you want to go over

and just say hi?

She'd probably throw me out

the moment she saw me.

Max, I think I got an idea.

Trick or treat!

Hey, you!

How did we do tonight?

Uncle Max gave me a can opener

and a bunch of detergent.

He did?

Yes, he did.

I'm going to bed!

Don't you want to watch

the scary movie?

I said, I'm going to bed!

What has gotten into her?

You look great.

You look ridiculous.

I needed to see you again...

...to tell you how sorry I was

for the way I acted.

I just thought I couldn't be happy

unless we were married...

...and I realize now...

...I just want you in my life.

That's all I want.

And if we ever do get married...

...I promise...

...we'll use a professional

wedding coordinator.

You look terrific.

They're watching us.

No, they're not.

No, they're not.

Yes, they are.

Let's celebrate. Beers are on me.

I'd love to, but I've got someone

very special waiting for me over there.

If you had half a brain,

you could have the same thing.

She dumped me!

Would you park

that stupid pride of yours just once?

You might surprise yourself.

I must speak to Maria!

Put down that bat.

She don't want to see you!

I ain't leaving here until I see Maria!

At last...

...I get to whack him!

Mamma, please. Please.

Maria, we need to talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

At least give me an explanation.

I think I deserve that much.

Yes, you're right.

I must tell you something.

I have been married before.

To Antonio, I know.

But also to Fernando.

And Carlo.

And Eduardo.

And Marcello.

Holy moly.

You've been married 5 times?

So, now you understand?

Mother is right.

I'm cursed in love.

Wait! Wait!

Will you wait, please?

I don't know what happened

with those other guys, but...

...let me tell you something about me.

I know I'm no great prize,

but I'm loyal...

...I'm honest...

...and I know how to treat a lady.

Anybody who says different

doesn't know her ass from her elbow.

Look, I got a week's worth

of leftovers at the house...

...so if you care to join me for some

Mystery Stew and jelly sandwiches...

...I would be indeed honored.

That sounds wonderful.

You must really like jelly sandwiches.

Trés magnifique, Max.

Thank you.

We're running a little behind.

Meet you at church.

Don't be late!

Isn't that Sven over there?

What's the matter?

You saw a ghost?

Biggest fish I ever seen.

Catfish Hunter, yeah.

I fought the beast...

...for an hour...

...and I had him.

Right up into the boat.

And then...

...he smiled.

-Smiled?

-See?

Bit the pole in half.

Holy moly.

I moved my hand at the last moment.

Judas Priest.

That was the...

...biggest damn fish that...

...I ever saw.

Don't even think of it.

My boat is beached not more

than 100 yards from here.

We'll give it 10 minutes. After that,

we pull anchor, go to the church.

What if today is the day,

and we miss him?

Someone else could catch him!

Some stranger with our fish

mounted on his wall.

It's too horrible to think about.

Let's go.

What do you mean?

We still have time.

That fish'll be halfway

to Redwing by now. Let's go.

5 more minutes.

We'll be late!

Weddings never start on time!

What's the matter? Why are you worried?

I'm going.

You'll have to swim back. Where are

you going? Don't touch my motor!

Sit down, John, for crying out loud!

5 more minutes!

Just sit there and shut up.

-Moron.

-Putz.

Holy Jesus, Max.

Look, look.

Easy, easy!

Don't worry.

Look at him go.

Now he will stop.

And now I'm going to....

That's Catfish Hunter.

I think I pissed him off!

Hang on, Max,

I think we're going for a ride.

Hang on.

I can't believe it's a fish.

Maybe it's not a fish!

Maybe it's something from outer space!

Keep the tip up!

-The tip is up.

-Tighten the drag!

He better be dead.

That's the only excuse I'm taking.

-Work him!

-I'm working him, dummy!

Pump him, pump him! Tip up!

The tip is up, you idiot!

You're right, it's not an important day.

No reason to be here.

Hang on.

Drop the anchor.

You cut the anchor, putz!

Then grab the net.

You cut the net, too, you dickhead!

Here! Look!

Forget the net!

Just give me a hand, will you?

The only thing you ever caught

in your life was a virus.

Put your gloves on.

I'll show you how to do it.

Here's the way you do it.

Now, watch.

Grab him!

Crime in Italy.

Holy moly! My God!

Look at this thing.

Holy moly!

Get his tail.

I got his tail!

Now!

Is that the most beautiful thing

you've ever seen?

If I die today...

...I die a happy man.

If you die today, I'll take your motor.

Let's let him go.

Are you out of your mind?

Dad tried to catch that fish

for 20 years.

Catfish Hunter deserves

to be in the lake with Pop.

Gustafson, you are one sick bastard.

Good boy.

Good-bye, Catfish!

The wedding! What time is it?

We got another wedding at 3:00.

We'll make it by then. 3:00!

Get me to the church on time.

Don't sing that.

Move it!

What are you doing?

Okay, just a little bit longer.

-Just a bit longer.

-I'm done.

I've played, now.

How long have I played?

-See my hands?

-Just keep playing.

I'll play one more time.

Wedding!

-We're here!

-Wait!

Wait!

Wait, we're here!

We're here!

Why the boots?

I'll explain later.

Explain now. Where have you been?

I've held this up for hours!

See what we missed?

Thank God we eloped.

You got the ring?

My son-in-law

has got the face of a mackerel.

Ox.

Nag.

We are gathered here today...

...to join Maxwell Goldman...

...and Maria Sofia Colletta Ragetti...

...in holy matrimony.

Be sure to watch Lucky for us.

I'll miss that ugly mug of his.

Don't worry, you'll see him

before you know it.

I'll miss your ugly mug, too.

God bless you, sir.

Let go of my hand. I'm busy.

What's that smell?

What smell?

What a moron.

What do you say

we go back to my place...

...and I'll show you my spicy,

peppy pepperoni?

What do you say

we go back to my house...

...and I'll show you

my man-sized manicotti?

Beautiful.

I'm the gangster of love.

I am the Lothario of farts.

I don't know where I am.

Get in the car, Max.

I can't. I farted

and I'm afraid to move.

What the hell is her name?

Ariel?

What's her name again?

Maria.

She left me.

You're surprised?

You don't even know her name.

Hey, dickhead!

I'm stuck.

I've been to Hawaii.

Which island?

l-kinda-like-to-poke-you.

You-like-a-licky-dicky.

I'm-a-kinda-kinky.

Want-a-peek-a-pee-pee?

Some stranger could catch our fish.

Some schmuck with his fish...

...and my fish and your fish

up on the ******* wall.

I am so horrible!

Get another actor. Please.

She's nothing but...

a pig-headed Italian with....

Go one more from the top,

and a little more out of breath.

If I was more out of breath,

I'd be dead.

You're still a putz.

That's my line!

You will never even know it's there.

I love you.

He's a criminal!

Should the veil be up?

Ox!

Jesus Christ!

Why the **** don't you look

where you're going?

Why don't you come to my place?

I'll show you my beefy bologna.

How would you like my bony macaroni?

Or my fatty Alfredo?

Or my hard salami?

I got them all.