Grown Ups (2010) - full transcript

In 1978, five 12-year-olds win a CYO basketball championship. Thirty years later, they gather with their families for their coach's funeral and a weekend at a house on a lake where they used to party. By now, each is a grownup with problems and challenges: Marcus is alone and drinks too much. Rob, with three daughters he rarely sees, is always deeply in love until he turns on his next ex-wife. Eric is overweight and out of work. Kurt is a househusband, henpecked by wife and mother-in-law. Lenny is a successful Hollywood agent married to a fashion designer; their kids take privilege for granted. Can the outdoors help these grownups rediscover connections or is this chaos in the making?

Double dribble.

Why, because I'm black?

Yeah, that's what I thought.


Ten seconds left.
We need a basket.

Play one. Play one.

Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. Here.

Get in.

Bring it in!

Bank's open, Lenny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Bank's open.

His foot was on the line.

First off, I'd like to thank
the Earnshaw family...

...for lending us their beautiful lake
house to help us celebrate our victory.

Yeah, the Ferdinando Five.

They're dynamite.

You're drunk, Dad.


Hey. We're here to celebrate
the kids' shots, not your shots.

Anyway, I wanna talk about
what you kids did this afternoon.

You know, you played the game
just like I always ask you to.

You left everything you had
out there on that court.

So that when the final buzzer
went off... were champions.

Now, I want you
to promise me something.

I want you to play life
just like you played that game today.

So when that final buzzer of life
goes off...'ll have no regrets.

Here's to coach.

You're my first champions.
My first champions.

Stick together.

- Time to die.
- No.


I am the biggest agent in Hollywood
and you just pissed me off.

And now I'll pull Brad Pitt
from your movie.

I'll pull Julia Roberts from your movie.
I don't care, Sandy.

That's right, you better back down.

Thank you.

Have a good Fourth of July.
All right, love you too.

What's up, boys? Hey.

Greggie, Keithie.

You guys ever hear of a game called
Chutes and Ladders?

Pretty awesome game.

I used to play it when I was a kid.

Okay, what it is,
is they give you a spinner.

And you spin. If you land on a ladder,
you get to climb up the ladder.

If you land on a chute, you slide down
the chute and start over again.

Yeah, and what happens?
The winner gets a training bra?

Yeah, Dad,
that game sounds like it sucks.

I'm telling you,
this was the greatest game.

Me and my buddies would play it.

We'd go down in the basement,
drink hot chocolate.

I wouldn't mind
a hot chocolate right now.

Hey, Rita.


Dude, you gotta text her.
She's doing laundry.

Hey, Dad, we were at
the Spielbergs' house yesterday.

They have a 150-inch TV.
Can we get one of those?

When you direct E. T.
I'll get you one of those.

- Beg for mercy.
- What is the object here? I don't get it.

You're on a cruise ship and you chop
people's heads off with a chain saw?

Oh, and you can drown them.

Oh, you can drown them.
Now I get it.

Granny overboard.

Can somebody answer the phone?

Maybe I should get some chamomile
for my throat too.

Stop texting the nanny.
You know how gross that is...

...for a kid to text his nanny?
Just go down the hallway.

Why? You text everybody.

I text people for my job so I can make
money to pay for your texting.

- Okay, I got everything for you, boys.
- Who was that on the phone, Rita?

I'm sorry, Mr. Feder, I don't know.
Becky answered.

- Okay, okay. Thanks for making that.
- Oh, my God, Rita.

This isn't Godiva. What are you,
trying to poison me?

Good Lord, go back to texting.

I don't ever wanna hear that
out loud again.

What the heck's going on out here?

Oh, my God.

I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

I don't care. Are you all right?
What the heck were you doing?

I was trying to use the Navy.

The Navy? What's the Navy?

The Navy in the car
to ask it a question.

You mean
the navigation system, idiot.

- Keithie, relax.
- Some man called.

He said your friend, Coach Buzzer,
went to heaven.

I was trying to find heaven for you
on the Navy station... you could go visit him.

Who's your friend, Dad?

Coach Buzzer was someone
very special in Daddy's life.

It's terrible.

Okay, go drink some hot chocolate
with these guys.

You sure you're okay?

Okay, sweetie.

You're splashing your brother.

Eric, hon? It's your mom.

Oh, my God. Eric.
Are you all right?


Oh, my God, Bean.
Bean, stay on the duck.

Stay on the duck.
What is happening?

Oh, hon.

Hello, Mommy.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Well, I'll see you there. All right.

Hey, is something wrong?

Yeah, it'll be all right.
I'll talk to you about it later.

Hey, hey.

I made the pumpkin risotto
that we saw...

...on Rachael Ray's
"Seasons of Summer" special.

- It's awful, Mom.
- It tastes like roadkill.

Deanne, do you hear how they talk
to me? Do you hear how...?

You gotta say something.

All right, kids. Now, you know
your father works very hard... keeping this house clean
and putting meals on the table for us.



...I brought us a pizza.

You know what? Fine.

Have your pizza. Have your pizza.

You broke my heart.

You broke my heart.

Looks like
it's his time of the month again.

God, that's rough, buddy.

Who's making
the funeral arrangements?

Oh, his niece?
She must be devastated.

Hey, is she still hot, do you know?

Don't make me lose my temper,


Hey, if I don't make it
to the funeral...

...tell the police it was Arlene
from Applebee's.

No, thanks for calling me.

And I'll see you there.


The coach is dead.

His funeral is this Friday.

I don't think I can handle this alone.

Can you come with me?

Of course.

I'll postpone my cataract surgery.

You are my special lady.

Now I'm gonna transport you
to a world of serene relaxation.

Okay, guys,
let's try to act normal in there.

What's wrong
with your sunglasses?

I don't want any reason
for these guys to call me...


- Hey. Look at that. Kurt McKenzie.
- Hey.

- And the whole McKenzie clan.
- Come here, man.

- Deanne, you look great.
- I do?

My wife's over there.
Go and say hi. Children.

I see that ass is still growing.

Got a little Kardashian in there.

Well, you've kind of turned into a little
Michael Vick thing, if he was bulimic.

Hi, Roxanne.

I don't know if you remember me.
I was at your wedding.

I was the one that was table dancing
all night. Deanne McKenzie.

Of course.

- Deanne, hello.
- Hi, good to see you.

Oh, my God, you're glowing.

You look so beautiful
with your pregnancy.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm just playing.

Oh, my God. You should see
your face. You were like, "Huh?"

Little Lenny Feder.

Mama Ronzoni got big, huh?

Look at this handsome hunk
of prosciutto.

And such a big success.

Come on, give Mama a kiss.

Can I get a...?
Can I get a cheek at all?

I got you, I got you. Poked in the eye
by the hat, but I'm all right.

How about your son-in-law here,
I hear he's a house husband now.

My daughter's gotta bust her hump
all day to pay the bills...

...while dummy here stays home
and cleans.

I don't know how you could
talk to me like that...

...when you look like Idi Amin
with a propeller on your head.

- That's nice that he could...
- Roxanne, this is my mother.

Hello, Mama Ronzoni, I'm so pleased
to meet you. I'm Little Lenny's wife.

What a spicy quesadilla
you got yourself, Lenny.

Yeah, she tastes great.

I bet.

Didn't I tell you
to turn the phone off there, Greg?

Yeah, but it's my massage therapist.

What? No, no. No cell phones.

No cell phones?
Then I'm out of here.


Who's ready to get their funeral on?

I'm sorry, death makes me weird.

What's up, McKenzie?

You got those soft hands.
Still using Palmolive?

Hey, what's up, Lenny?

Buddy, I thought you were gonna start
working out.

- What does that mean?
- You're fat.

No. No.

Hey, guys, this is good news.
I always wanted to represent you.

You're the third Olsen twin?

Keep it down.
Hey, so these are your kids?

And who's that girl?
That's not a nanny, is it?

No, no, this is a friend of ours
from China.

Oh, yeah.
No, I've been on that website.

No, no, no.

Like an exchange student that...
My wife brought her into the house.

Oh, your wife's into chicks.
Oh, that's nice.

Hollywood. See, he always lucks out.

- Just an exchange student.
- I always thought...

Hey, now.

Lamonsoff. Rolling up in a Caddy?

That's how we do it.

And you, you've grown up
on me, man. Are you a B-cup now?

Hey, nice ears.
You get the NFL package on those?

Nice Caddy.
You selling lawn furniture and crack?

Come on, I'm the co-owner
of Branchville Lawn Furniture, man.

I'm the boss now, baby.

Oh, good for you, Eric.

- Glad you brought your mother.
- Oh, that's a good one.

It's like shaking hands with an Eagle.
I'll see you later.

Oh, my God. It's Captain Caring
of the SS Melodrama.

Oh, he's gonna play this one big.

Cue "Hey."



- Hell of a circumstance, huh?
- I know, I know. It sucks.

Great to see you.

Well, the Buzzer's up there
coaching heaven's team now.

- That's true.
- He's got Wilt, Pistol Pete, Dr. J.

Yeah, Dr. J's alive still.

- Well, those type of guys.
- Yeah, yeah.

You look good, though, man.

It's like if Elvis
was an Oompa Loompa...

...he's right in front of me.

Well, I don't make jokes at funerals
because it's disrespectful.

But if that's part of
your healing process, I'm cool with it.

That's nice. Thanks.

Are you cool with a finger in you?

Hey, Roxanne.

Remember Rob,
the guy I always tell you about? Rob?

Of course.

The kid who didn't hit puberty
till he was 19, right?

That was our secret.

And this must be your mother.

My wife.

I'm sorry.

Hi. I'm Gloria.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Your design line is so beautiful.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

- And I love your scarves.
- Thank you.

She'll be tying me up
with those later.

He's not kidding.

Oh, grody.

Oh, those are long, long tongues.

We'll see you in there.
See you in there.

Hi, guys. Right over there? Yep.

Sit right here, sit right here.
I'm gonna go say hi to Lenny.

- No, honey.
- Oh, hi. Lenny.

How you doing?

I heard through a little bird...

...that you guys rented
the Earnshaw lake house for us...

...for the entire weekend.

That's like a dream come true
for us.

We had to rent it
for the whole weekend be...

We don't get to stay the whole
weekend. We have to go to Milan.

For Roxanne's fashion show.

Oh, my God, that's a shame.

Oh, but you're gonna have
so much fun in Milan.

You know, J Lo and Marc Anthony
vacationed there last year.

It's up the street from Lake Como,
where George Clooney has a villa.

I read too many of those magazines.

- No.
- Come on. I'm sorry.

- He hates when I talk about this.
- We'll just...

We are backing away.
Ashamed, right?

Oh, and Tom Cruise
got married there too.

- Thanks for letting me know.
- What?

Well, I don't understand why you had
to rent it for a whole weekend.

Because it's a holiday.
They won't rent it to you for one night.

So your friends are partying all
weekend while you're stuck in Milan.

- Yeah.
- That was nice of you.

It was nice of us.
It's your money too, isn't it?

Yeah, it's your money, it's his money,
it's my money.

Let's put all our cash in a pile
and split it.

That's a nice hat,
it brings out the death in the room.

I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
And it's a funeral, I get weird.

There he is, Joe Hollywood.

Mr. Big Shot Agent.

You think he represents
Hulk Hogan?

No way.

Then he ain't that big, is he?

By the way, if anyone asks,
Rita is an exchange student.


I think I just sat
on your adding machine.

Now I know what happened
to the fish tank.

Coach Robert "The Buzzer"

...was a caretaker by profession.

What a wonderful word to describe
his devotion to his fellow man.

He truly took care.

When Robert knew
that his time was short...

...he told me there was
one specific man he wanted... say a few words
to memorialize him.

So I'd like to ask Lenny Feder
to come up now.

I'm sorry, I'm not prepared at all.

I feel very honored...

...that coach asked me
to do this, but...

I also feel terrible because
I haven't seen the coach in so long.

And he always wanted me to come
to town and see him...

...and I got caught up
in what I've been doing and I regret it.

I understand that the St. Mark's team
of 1978...

...was the only championship team
that the coach ever had...

...and that's very impressive,
I gotta say...

...judging from the talent
we had to offer.

I mean, believe it or not...

...Robbie and Marcus were actually
shorter back in 1978.

But those guys had a skill
you never mastered.

They knew how to pass the ball.

Looks like somebody has to learn how
to pass the Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

We're saying goodbye to a big part
of our lives. All of us.

You affected everybody in this room.

And I hope we get
to live our lives like you.

Have no regrets
when life's final buzzer sounds.

So let's all bow our heads in silence.

They should have just ended it
right after you.

This is insanity.


Five bucks it takes him down
on one knee.

You're on.

Stop it.

Grow up, will you?

Oh, look at him now.

Don't get so mad there, Robbie.

So how we feeling about Rob's girl?
We're happy for him, or...?

Oh, my God. The St. Pauli Grandma?
She seems all right.

She's pretty.

You know,
in a "me in a wig" sort of way.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

When Ben Franklin was flying that kite
and it had the key on it...

...that was to her apartment.

Oh, that was good, man.

You know, but I gotta say,
he seems like he's in love, you know?

He was in love
with the first three wives.

The Cheater, the Beater
and the Eater.

You know, his problem is he's always
so overly in love so quick, you know?

And then one day he snaps
and then it gets ugly in a hurry.

Coffee, Mr. Feder?

No, no, no. I'm good, I'm good.

I mean, thank you. That's cool of you
to voluntarily wanna give me coffee.

Just, you drink it, you know, while
you're studying inside the church.

But you texted me you want coffee.

I texted you that I wanted you
to drink the coffee and study.

So study your books in the church.

Go ahead. All right, Rita.

Fast food? You guys eat the fast...?

Mommy, I want some milk.

Oh, sure, angel. You come here.
I'll give you a little something.

Slow down, honey.
Not such big gulps.

You're gonna get a tummy ache.

- Your son is so cute.
- Yeah.

How old is he?

Oh, he's 48 months.

That's 4.


We meant to stop last year,
but he likes it so much...

...and we don't like to say no.

Hey, sweetheart?

Could you use a fork, please?


No, no, no!

Looks like she didn't get the memo.

- Hey. Let me get that spot.
- Hey, gotta respect the Caddy.

It's nice you drove
your piggy bank here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey. Hi, Gloria.

- Look at this.
- Come on.


Hey, Rob's car
is an Oompa Loompa too.

- Okay, watch the edge.
- It's cute. It'll do for one night.

Yeah? You can handle it?

Daddy, what is that machine doing?

It's getting rid of the moths, honey.

Where's it taking them?

- Hell.
- Don't say that, Higgins.

I'm sorry. Not hell, Mexico.

No, it's giving them electricity... the moths fall asleep

It's electrocuting them?

- No, no, no.
- But, Daddy, they're dying.

- It's killing them?
- No.

Daddy, no.

No, no, it's not.

Okay? Let me adjust it.

Look, they're all all right,
I promise you.

See? Look at this guy.

He's still sleeping.

It's dead, Dad.

A porch swing.

I know what I'm doing this weekend.

Now he's dead.

Welcome back to 1978, everybody.
The lake house.

Nothing's changed,
it's unbelievable.

I don't remember this big.

This is my kitchen.
This is it, right now.

Oh, please, enough with the kitchen.

Why you so mean?

We could've done this.

- An organ.
- Oh, my God, look at this kitchen.

- That's enough, already.
- Could you at least humor me?

Is this like
an Outward Bound thing?

I mean, it's like an episode of Lost.

Hon, you might not
wanna bang on that.

But I like playing it like this.

Okay. Okay.

So listen, guys,
who's getting what room?

Actually, I made a map
of who gets which room.

I took the liberty of reserving
the room with the waterbed...

...for Gloria and myself.

You're gonna do
the backstroke tonight.

I wanna go swimming
with you guys tonight.

Oh, honey, we're not really going
swimming. What I meant was...

That's okay. She doesn't
need to know what you mean.

- I don't even know what you mean.
- Oh, I know what she meant.

Anyway, let's get back
to the room picking.

Rob, would you like
to take us on a tour?

I'd love to show you a tour.
Gloria was just trying to be cool.

I need someplace near a bathroom.

Why does the grandma
get to go swimming and I don't?

Let's go, let's go.

Okay, here's the big daddy.

The master bedroom.

You know what? Lenny should
have that. Lenny should have that.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- I agree.

Honey. Honey.
Come on, let the kids have it.

It's a fun time for the kids to be
together and they can do kids' things.

Come on, go share it.
Share the master bedroom.

Kids win.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't you think?

Yeah, okay.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Hey, Dad.

What's the big box attached
to the back of the TV?

That's the rest of the TV.

They didn't always have
flat screens there, sport.

Wow, that is some
Stone Age shiznit.

- Yeah, that's wack.
- I need a room with heat.

It's summer.
It's like 95 degrees in here.

There he goes again.

I got bunions.

You know, I actually have a poultice
I make, using maize and herbs.

Just say corn.
Maize is corn, everybody.

Yeah, he says maize
because it sounds more mystical.

Well, I like the way he said it.

- "Maize."
- "Maize."

- "Maize."
- "Maize."

- It's fantastic, okay?
- It's a-maize-ing.

I just spread it on cloth
and I moisten and heat it...

...and then I apply it directly
to the affected area.

Okay. Well, my affected area
is pretty big.

Oh, no.

Mama, I didn't know
the Elephant Man lived in your shoe.

How in the world's anybody supposed
to get some sleep...

...knowing they under the same roof as
Toe-be Bryant over here?

You're stepping over the line,

So, what's with that Labradoodle?
It sounds like Stephen Hawking.

Curly, he had
his vocal cords clipped.

A neighbor filed a complaint... it was either clip the cords
or put Curly down.

Wrong choice.

Come on, he's part of the family,
you know?

Imagine when a burglar comes over
and hears that. He must run in terror.

"Wow, what's that turkey
doing in the house?"

By the way, Lamonsoff, your son.

What's with the boob thing?
Isn't the kid a little old?

He'll be rubbing her boob
with his beard soon.

He's gonna get a milk mustache on a
real mustache. That won't look right.

That kid, when he's 10, on his bike...

...the mom's gonna be in the basket,
he's gonna be like:

- Come on.
- Okay, wait, I got this one.

Chain saw pedicure, 50 points.

Why are they inside right now,

Why would they not come out here
and enjoy the lake...

...or do something in the woods?

There wasn't a time of day
that I wasn't outside.

You know, we weren't.
We were always... We were never in.

All heads on deck!

Look, there's blood
squirting everywhere!

- I can't take it anymore.
- Chop his arms off.

Oh, he's being a dad. Look at this.

Dad. Don't, Dad. My high score.

That's it. No more video games.
No more cell phones. No more texting.

Just from now on, while we're here,
stay outside and play.

What are we supposed to do?

Just play like normal kids.
Come on, move it. Where's Becky?

Let's go. Let me show you
how the Pilgrims used to hang.

When we were kids, your dad used to
talk us into doing the craziest stuff.

That's right.

Yeah, I remember one time,
we got our shower curtains...

...put them in shopping carts and went
shopping cart sailing.

Wait, how did you steer?

- Well, we didn't.
- How'd you stop?

You just smashed into something.
That was the fun part.

We used to shoot bottle rockets
at each other.

You go for the guy's face
because you wanna blind him.

Okay, no, that's a little much, pal.

No. No, I know. Kids, don't do that.

You know what, erase, reboot.

Okay. Look, look.
Make a tree fort. I'll get you started.

Rob lived in one of those for a year.


My dad took away my roller skates.

Vietnam flashback.

Wait a minute. Are you kidding me?

- What?
- What?


Rope on a tree, baby.
You know what that means.

We get to hang ourselves?

You see a rope and a lake and that
doesn't make you wanna go nuts?

It makes me... You know what?

You know what, let me show them.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, baby.

Dude, get up on the top rock.

- Yeah, you're right.
- You gotta back it up, back it up.

Go, baby.

The class is in session.

Who wants to see a double flip?

Too high.

- Now drop.
- This was a mistake.

I can't let go, I'm too scared.

That was awesome.

Oh, God. Oh, God, my leg's snapped.

Oh, my God, the bone's sticking out.
I need help.

It's a stick. I got you.

Very good.

Daddy, that bird is hurt.

Oh, my God. I'll go get a shoebox.

Here you go.

Hey, did you really land
on that bird, man?

I'm not sure.

I did hear a chirp and a crunch-like
noise, but that could've been anything.


Keith. Sit down. Sit down.

Dad, I wanna sit next to you.

Daddy's gonna be down here with
his friends first and then...

Lenny, remember we used to come
here late night after we got wasted?

What's "wasted"?

Nice one, Higgie.

"Wasted." kids... something that happens...

...when you have a hankering
for ice cream.

- I wanna get wasted.
- I wanna get wasted.

I wanna get wasted every day.

I wanna get chocolate wasted.

No, you don't need to get wasted,
it's okay.

All right, you know what,
let me make this easy.

Seventeen burgers
and 17 fries, okay?

And that'll be just for me.
What are you guys having?


Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's for everybody.
Just put it on that.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- I am not gonna have any hamburgers.

I'll take some meat loaf,
some calzones...

...but put the marinara sauce
on the side.

With corn, either on the cob
or whatever you got.

- Are you going to the electric chair?
- What?

No, he was just kidding, Henry VIII.

She's eating for two:
her and Toe-bo Cop.

But, Mama, they do have bunion rings
if you want some.

That was good, Lenny.

How about some drinks?

I said I'm paying,
so take it easy with that, okay?

I'm kidding, everybody. I'm kidding.
We can drink all we want.

I'll start it off.
I'm gonna have a Coke.

And I know Donna, she's gonna want
a Sprite, correct, sweetie? And...

Bean's good with milk, obviously.

I want cookies.

Cookies and MILF.

MILF? Oh, Higgins,
thank you so much.

Take it easy, all right?
Hey, tuck it away, sweetie.

And I'll take a flat water. Voss.


You know, Voss.
Or Fiji, if you don't have Voss.

Yeah, you know,
anything you got's good.

We have out of the faucet.

Like, from a hose?

Tap water.

What country's that from?

Oh, my God. Just get the water. We're
done talking about water. Tap water.

I go get the Voss from the b...

You just sit down, Rita. Just study
a menu. The big test is coming.

I'm sorry, what now?

He says they have the best burger
in town here.

Really? Since when did you learn
to speak Chinese?

It's just something I picked up
watching a cooking show.

That's great. Maybe you should focus
a little less on the talking...

...and a little more on the cooking.


You got told.

You got toe.

He comes back.

Mommy, can I have some
of her milk?

There he is.

Joe Hollywood.

Who's that? Dickie Bailey?

Oh, my God.

Hey, long time no see.
How you doing, man?

You know, that game
had some bad calls.

Now, what game are we talking about?
The game?

What, when we were kids
30 years ago, that game?

That last shot?

Your foot was on the line.
Shouldn't have counted.

I don't know. I don't remember it
quite like that.

You got the rest
of the Fugly Five over there, huh?

Yes. Yes. They are.
The boys are here.


They don't look like they can make it
up and down the court anymore.

What about you?
You put on a few pounds?

From when I was 12?

Yes, I think so.

You don't know how to come at me,
do you?

Rematch. I dare you.

In basketball? You don't look like
you're in the greatest shape either.

I could see having
a getting-off-the-couch contest, but...

Anytime, anywhere.

I was just kidding.
I really don't wanna do that.

Next time you come to town, I'll have
plenty of that Boss water for your kid.

- All right.
- Wouldn't want him to go thirsty.

All right, well, just for the record,
it's Voss water, by the way, with a V.


Gonna be an emotional day tomorrow,
spreading the Buzzer's ashes.

Oh, my God.

The coach requested that we
scatter his remains on Mclntyre Island.

I got a beautiful ceremony planned.

Lenny, you gonna be able to do that?
What time do you leave?

- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, leave?

I forgot to tell you, fellas.
We gotta take off in the morning.

- You're leaving?
- You can't leave.

- We got the ceremony tomorrow.
- Lenny's just playing, everybody.

No, he's not.

Are you joking?

I wanna be there. I mean, we all wanna
be there. We gotta go to Milan.

Milan, what? Italy? What's in Milan?

It's pretty cool.
Roxanne's got her fall line coming out.

- Fashion week.
- Three nights at the Four Seasons.

Eggs Benedict by the pool...

...PlayStation 3 in every room...

...and they show boobies
on Italian TV.

I'm going to Italy.

No, we all... I didn't tell you guys,
we're probably gonna go to Italy as a...

Thanks for ruining the surprise.

Lenny, it's not gonna be the same
without you.

Yeah, come on.

Roxanne was cool enough to let us
come tonight. This is a big deal.

Can't Roxanne go without you
and you can meet her there?

No, we are a team, me and my lady,
and we do everything together.

Last year, we had to skip
Becky's school play for Milan.



I thought we were
gonna get wasted.

Sweetie. What was I supposed to do,
lie to them?

It's not what you said.
It's how you said it.

I am not some insensitive
work-crazy dragon lady.

And I'm not gonna let you
depict me as one.

We are skipping the dinner
in Milan...

...spreading the ashes...

...and we're leaving first thing
Sunday morning.

Lamonsoff, it's 5 in the morning.
Can you kill the dog now?

Thinking about it.

Go ahead.
Birdy coming through, everybody.

Hey, morning.

Take it right over to the table.

How we doing?
Something stinks in here.

Gloria and I are making breakfast
for everybody.

Using a dehydrator, which never
cooks anything above 115 degrees.

- Those are pancakes?
- Ocean pancakes.

They're gray. They look like you
cut them off an elephant's legs.

- I'm not eating that.
- It's good for you.

- What is this?
- "What is this?"

A scab?

It's dehydrated banana.

What happened to a normal banana?
Peel a banana and eat it.

The kids'll love it. It's fun, man.
It doesn't go bad.

- You slice it thin...
- I see what you do.

Maybe you're right. This is good.

- Is that what it's meant for?
- You could.

Well, I'd rather be hit by
dehydrated fruit than processed...

Processed food.

- I'm just kidding around.
- You think you can just slap people.

I don't think that. Don't say that.
Come on.


Honey, how is the birdy?

Those are
the Christian Louboutin shoes.

I know I'm overdressed.

But, sorry, I packed for Milan,
not the lake.

Made from acorns.

So, dude, I'm not eating any of this.
You got any normal food? Cereal?

Would you like me to make you
egg-white frittata, Mr. Feder?

I mean, is that what you're doing
in science class now?

Making frittatas?

No. We're okay. You can go
practice that in your room, though.

I know you got the big test coming.

You know, honey,
I think you're overwhelming Lenny.

Here, I got a present for you.


- Knock yourself out.
- Bacon.

She gets it.

She gets it. She gets it.
Hey, she gets it.

Thank God she gets it.

All right, so...

Hey, what are you doing?

Cooking the bacon.

Not in here. That's dead animal flesh.
It's not going near the vegan food.


Fine. What do I do with it?
Oh, I know.

I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry.

Curly. Shame on you.

That crazy dog.

Must have got into some of my leftover
pasta fasul.

Yeah, Mama, I'm sure
that's exactly what happened.

It did.

We should get a dog.

We should get a water buffalo.

Higgins, what are you doing?

I don't wear pants at my house, I'm not
wearing them in your house. Sorry.

That was a man's ass?

All right.


Let's see this. Look at that.

That's it, buddy.

Okay, throw the rock.

Skim it.

Throw it at a tree.

Throw it at the lake.

Throw it at your brother.

Hit your head with it.

Just do something.

Come on.

What are you doing dressed like that?
You hanging out with Jiminy Cricket?

We were supposed to be going
to Milan, remember?

That's what I packed for.

Just cut those into shorts.

- We'll play some hoop later.
- Pass, dude.

You don't want revenge
for the time I whupped you?

That was four years ago, homey.

All I want is to fly to Milan
and have some fresh-made gelato.

What would your father have done
on that one?

That one would've been a backhand
to the side of the head...

...and possible bleeding from the ear.

My father would've thrown me down
the stairs for using the word gelato.

- You got the new Foreman.
- Yeah.

Hilliard was trying to make me
some tofu Grape-Nuts in there.

Try it out.

- You cleaned this?
- Yeah, I cleaned this thing.

- Take it.
- Thanks a lot.

By the way,
Mclntyre Island ain't close.

Eat as much as you can,
we got a big row ahead of us.

You didn't clean that well.

Come on, man.
What are you doing to me? Seriously.

You don't want your breath to smell
like your grandmother's closet?

Slow down for Robbie, guys.

You're gonna lap me.

Beautiful. You gotta respect
going to Mclntyre Island.

Haven't done that since we're 12.

Got my first boob there.

- I know. Tracy Thornhill.
- Tracy Thorn...

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

A little flat, but I was a fan.

All right, Higgins. Is that all you
think about is chicks?

- We got daughters.
- That's all you guys think about.

- Difference is, I can do something.
- Not true. All right, that's true.

You wanna know
what I fantasize about?

Candy bars.

Candy bars?

No, I had a bad blood sugar test at
my last checkup and Sally cut me off.

You're a grown man,
how do you deal with that?

Oh, I got my own hidden stash,
I'm not stupid.

Seriously, I got it all.

I got Reese's, Butterfingers,
3 Musketeers.

I hide them under my clothes
in the bottom of the hamper.

It's great because the smell in my
sweat socks mask the chocolate smell.

And the looks of your underwear
masks the chocolate stains.

Hey, hey, hey, hang on, guys.
I gotta make a sissy.

- No, no, no.
- I gotta make a sissy.

You made three already.

It must be just oozing out at this point.

Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.

It's taking a piss, not the SATs.

Are you peeing or is a diesel truck
turning off? What the hell is that?

Listen to hamper bottom.

I think he's sending a message
in Morse code.

Getting old. Stop.

Can't pee. Stop.

Reeks like asparagus. Stop.

Even though I didn't even have any.

The good news is these girls
are gonna say hi to it.

- What's up, ladies?
- Hey, girls.

- That is so gross-looking.
- Did you see that?

- They don't all look like that, ladies.
- You gave that thing 300 pounds...

Come on.

Sick mix tape you made, Robbie.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys, I brought something too.

- Get out of here.
- It's the net, yeah.

Championship game.

- Let me see that.
- I thought the coach should have it.

Robbie, you gotta put this
on the urn, buddy.

That's cool.

- "Your foot was on the line."
- Bailey.

What do you think the coach would've
said if he heard that trash-talking?

He'd kick our ass
for not kicking his.

- Yeah.
- Or we do it the old-school way.

- Have Eric beat his ass for us.
- I know, we should.

No, no, no. I got about eight seconds
of fighting, total, left in my life.

And I'm saving that in case
I get mugged...

...or, you know, someone cuts
in front of me at Burger King.

- That's my hamper bottom.
- We can't delay it anymore, guys.

- He just bit his chicken. All right.
- Are we going? Okay.

Let's do it.

You know, I think the coach
is here with us.

I think he's proud to be here with us
in ash form.

Right here on this island,
where we hid from our parents...

...and where we're hiding
from our wives and children.

Yes, we are.

Goodbye to you...


...wise-advice giver...

...buzzer-noise maker.

Rob, come on.

I really messed up my marriages.

All of them.

It was my fault, man.

I just couldn't hang on.

You know, my own daughters...

...I don't even hardly know them.

- The Buzzer would be ashamed of me.
- No.

Come on, now.

You got time to patch things up
with your daughters.

You just call them
when you get back.

Actually, they're gonna be here
in about 20 minutes.

Wait, what?

I can use a piece of chicken.

No, not with those hands.
Coach hands. All right.

Finish the bucket.

Actually, I'm still gonna eat it.
This is pretty sick, but I'm hungry.


Go, old bucket. Drop it.

Piece of crap car.


Hey, Dad.



- How do you get that...
- Hey.

...from that?

Ninety-five percent of that's gotta be
from the mother.

And I am lowballing.

Hey, Jasmine.

How is that possible?

Oh, no. The Elvis hairs
are going up her nose.

She doesn't know what to do.

That's sweet.

Is this your car?

My old man lent me this turd.

Because he doesn't care if I
break down in the middle of nowhere...

...and get eaten by a bear.

Your old man?

Yeah, my boyfriend.
Forty-seven years old.

You know,
I wish I liked guys my own age...

...but I'm just chasing the dad
that ran out on me.

Hoochie mama.

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it feels right.

I hope that car never gets fixed.

I don't think it will.

I took the spark plugs out.


We're all looking at the same time.
Let's at least take shifts.

you and me look at the tree.

McKenzie, we're gonna look
at her butt for a little bit.

All right. Good plan.

And, shift.




And shift.

What are we doing?

Wait, are we all looking at the tree
right now?

Yeah. Let's go back to the ass.

Hey, Jasmine. This is Gloria.

Gloria, this is Jasmine.


Oh, look, here comes Grandma Gloria
to the rescue.

Let me take a look.

Oh, honey.

You've blown your gasket.

No good.

That was rough.

If you guys thought seeing them
at the car was gross... should have heard
that waterbed action.

Sounded like two grizzlies
fighting over a salmon.

- There was a lot happening.
- At least he's getting something.

I've been shut out since Deanne
found out she was pregnant.

- That'll happen.
- You have sex when they're pregnant?

- Does that hurt the baby?
- McKenzie can.

The baby thinks
he's getting a Tootsie Roll.

- That's good.
- Snickers. Snickers.

A little bigger. A little bigger.

I got lucky on Saint Paddy's Day,
but she was half-asleep.

And by half-asleep,
I mean she was asleep.

Yeah, she was out. Yeah.

You're allowed to do that.

She'd rather not be awake.

- Hey, how'd it go with the daughter?
- Awkward.

I guess the first 20 years of a kid's
life is more important than I realized.

Yeah. It's always the kids who pay.

Kids pay.

- They pay.
- They pay.

- They always pay.
- But they pay with maize.

Was good hanging with you guys.

- No, no, no. We're catching up.
- Come on, man.

I'm glad my family turmoil can
provide entertainment for you guys.

Let's cheer him up. How did we cheer
Robbie up in the old days?

A little arrow roulette?

- Arrow roulette.
- Did we really do that?

Single stupidest thing we ever did.

It was the craziest.

- Moronic.
- Asinine.

- All right, fellas.
- I can't believe we're doing this.

How do we always let Lenny
talk us into the stupidest stuff?

Remember, whoever stays
in the circle the longest wins.

- I don't like that part.
- Whoever stays longest.

Okay, guys, here we go.
And a one. And a two...

Why are we doing this?



- I don't see it.
- Where is it?

- I lost it in the sun.
- I lose.


I am the champion.

I beat all you pansies.

Go, go. Come on, come on, come on.
Hurry up.

Oh, you're moving it.
You're shaking it.

My hammy.

You complaining about your hammy?
I got an arrow in my foot.

- Easy, easy.
- Stay calm.

What's going on?

- Rob got attacked by an Indian.
- Yeah, but he got away.

- What?
- He got attacked by an Indian?

- Daddy, what happened?
- Amber. I'm glad you got here.

This is my daughter Amber,

You got another one?

- Dude, high five.
- No, no high five, my wife's coming.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- God, you made me look at this.

This is killing me.

Bridget, come down here.
Daddy's hurt.

- You got another one?
- Yeah.


- Oh, okay.
- "Hey."


- Now I get it.
- Rob's her mom and dad.

Now that makes sense.

Shut up. Foot, arrow, why?

- I think we gotta pull it through.
- Oh, let me do it.

It was my idea, I said it first.

- Don't you hog it. Don't you touch him.
- Nobody touch him.

We're gonna be all right here.

All we need is a poultice with some
maize that will draw...

Oh, shut up.

That poultice shit doesn't work.

It never worked. Are you insane?

Get some alcohol on this bitch.

You should know plenty about that.

You were born
during the Prohibition.

And there's the snap.

That was bigger
than I thought it was gonna be.

Snap, crackle and pop.

Abnormal origin. Pancreas.

Such a mess. Such a mess.
I can not...

Excuse me? Princess Rita?
Are you gonna help me?

No, Mr. Feder said
that I must study for the big final.

What final?

You tell me.
He just keep handing me books.

Never mind. Did you pack
the adapters for Italy?

Yes, I did in L.A.

Great. Just wipe your hands.

I need you to organize all these papers
in here very neatly, okay?

They cannot be ruined.


Hi, this is Roxanne Feder.
I just wanna make sure...

Mommy. Mommy.
It came out. It came out.

Hold on,
I'm on the phone, okay?

My tooth. It fell out.

That's great, honey.

Put it under the pillow
and I'll put a dollar in there later.


Becky, I'm on the phone.
I'll put the dollar under...

Why would you?

There's no Tooth Fairy?

I can't believe I just did that.

Oh, Lenny, you should have seen
her little face.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I mean, I try so hard
and I can't seem to get anything right.

You made a mistake.
Parents make mistakes.

Remember the time I told Greg that
babies come from mommies' poop...

...and he kept looking in the toilet
for a baby brother?

- That's not funny.
- I'm just saying.

Can you hear me now? Okay.

I just feel...

What about now?
Now can you hear me?

I feel like I ruined her childhood.

She was gonna find out eventually.

Eventually, but not today.

Can you hear me now?
This is so cool.

- Are you there?
- Hey, didn't I say no cell phones?

I thought we had a deal.

- What?
- What's up, Dad?

Are those cup phones?

Yeah, Charlotte taught us.
Cool, huh?

Hey, check out Becky's.

Look, Dad. I have cup waiting.

I gotta call you back,
I'm on with SpongeBob.

Was that a turkey?

Yo, Andre, can you hear me?

Crystal clear. Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah.

So the best thing about these
is we can leave a cup in the shower...

...and listen to Jasmine
clean herself tomorrow.

- What?
- Oh, my God!

May I borrow this?

Attention, children.

There's been a request
from the phone company.

Would you please install cup phones
in every adult bedroom right away?

Thank you. All right. Go.
Move it, move it, move it.

I said, move it. Move it.

Yes, I have always been
the Tooth Fairy.

No, Bean's mommy
is the Tooth Fairy for his family.

I just cover our family.

No, do not tell Bean, okay?

Becky, I love you
so, so, so much, okay?

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

- Okay, you're costing me a fortune.
- No, you hang up first.

Let's go.
This is gonna be a high cup bill.

It's nice to put maize
on your arrow wound.

What the hell is that?
Is that Gloria laughing?

She's still here
after he had a snap on her like that?

- She forgave him right away.
- You are my special lady.

And you are my one-footed
maize-covered lover.

Okay, come on,
we gotta go to sleep.

We're going to Milan tomorrow, right?
A long flight.

Let's get our rest.

Somebody kill that turkey.

Is that getting me horny?


You promise you'll still feed her
after we leave?

I promise.

Mommy, that's my milk.

Bean, we have to learn how to share,
even with birds.

But he's going to drink you dry.

This is good.

I got it three times.

Donna, you wanna try?

Sure. But I stink at sports.

That's all right. Here.

- Hold it like this.
- Like this?

Get down low and throw it,
and let the rock do the magic.

- Nice.
- Oh, I skipped it.

- Good job, Donna.
- Bravo.

Do you know how to skip rocks?

Are you kidding me?
I am the best at this.

Give me that. Now, watch, now.

Oh, my God, baby, are you okay?

Yeah, Mom, I'm just glad to see you
having some fun.

I'll take your luggage to the car,
Mr. Feder.

That's not my luggage,
that's textbooks.

That's nice of you to take your
own stuff down.

You're okay. Come on.

Come on, man.
Already? You're leaving?

Yes, I gotta go.

Do you need any help getting
to the airport?

We got a little problem.

What? What happened?

I forgot how to skip a rock.

Now, I think it's gonna take
a couple of days to figure it out.


...I think we better stay.

Are you kidding me?

For reals, Mom? We're not leaving?

I don't need to see a bunch of starving
models walking around in my clothes.

Yeah, why would you wanna see
models when you can see this?

See? You couldn't get that in Milan.



What do you wanna do today?

I don't know. You tell me.

What was your favorite thing to do
when you were 12 and it was sunny?

Well, I can't do that.

Maybe go to a water park.

What are we waiting for?

- Seriously?
- Let's load up the car, people.

Are you kidding me?

- I'm not taking my shirt off.
- I'm not taking my shirt off either.

You're wasting it.


It's all right.

It's actually not that bad.

- Ladies' day.
- All right? You're in charge.

I have to go number two.

Okay, hang on, son.

Hey, Dad.

Hey. Where you guys been?

Well, we didn't bring our swimsuits, so
Marcus went to take us to buy some.

We got them at a store
called Naughty and Nice.

Marcus said
it was the only one open.

The only place open?
For bathing suits? In the summer?

We got my bathing suit
at Stop and Shop.

Now, that's... I like that one.

Let's hit the water slide.

Water slide.

What a beautiful day.

- God. It's a girls' day.
- I know.

It is hot.

Oh, boy.

- Are we really doing bathing suits?
- God, it's hot.

Come on, girls. We don't know
these people. Who cares?

You're right, who cares? I've been
working all summer on this six-pack.

All right.

How do you feel about that?

- Baby got front.
- Go, D. Go, D.

Come on, Sally, it's your turn.
Take it off.

Oh, no.
I have a bit of a chill, actually.

Gloria, how about you?

I don't own a bathing suit.
But I like to go nude.

- No, no, no.
- There's children here.

Hey, somebody likes what he sees.

- Daddy, this line's not even moving.
- I know.

- I know.
- I want Mommy's milk.

I know you do, son, but...

He wants mommy's milk.
Give him some mommy's milk.

Mommy's milk! Mommy's milk!

No. No. Damn it.

No more Mommy's milk, okay?

You want milk,
you're drinking regular milk.

- Here, kid.
- Hey.

Don't give me any guff right now.
Here's a buck. Run along. Run along.

Drink the milk out of the carton.

I don't know if Mommy
will want me to.

All right, just drink it, okay? Just like
Daddy does. Let me show you, okay?


I'm just like Daddy.

There you go.

No more booby milk.

More for us.

So, ladies, how do we get
Mr. Banana Hammock... come over here, where we can get
a better look at him?

Okay. Well, there's two big
advantages to breast-feeding...

...and I'm gonna put mine to work.


That's it, girl.

Oh, my goodness.

- Work that umbrella pole, baby.
- Sally. Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's definitely working. Yeah.
- You're good at that.

- Oh, my God, he likes it.
- Look at him flex.

No, continue.

All right, doing the back-door shuffle.
Cutting the line. Go.

Don't get hurt.

Go, go, go.

Dad, are we allowed
to go through here?

Absolutely not,
but we're doing it anyway.

All right, your cool dad found this
back in the day.

Go up the ladder.

It's dark in there.
Maybe you should hold my hand.

I'm scared.

Hey. Come here, come here.

Don't fall for that crap.
You stay away from him.

What are you talking about?
He's gay, isn't he?

No. He just seems gay.

He's a genius.

Go, go, go.

Alrighty, who's next?

All right, who's next?

Now's a good time. Charlotte.

You're up first.

- There you go.
- Have fun, Charlotte.

There you go. Who's next? Go.

- Is he coming this way?
- He's coming towards us right now.

- This is good now.
- He is.

Whatever you do, don't fart.

Hey, what's up, ladies?

So you're from around
these parts, eh?

Yeah, I'm from Saskatchetoon.
That's up in Canada, eh?

You American ladies,
you've been out to Saskatchetoon, eh?


Everything was on steroids
except for his voice.

Go, go, go.

Out, out, out.

Now, now, now.


All right, who's next?
Hey, weren't you guys just here?

No. I think you have us confused
with some other people.

I don't think so, you're two of the
hottest chicks I've ever seen in my life.

- Hey.
- What?

- These are my daughters.
- Right.

Her, definitely.

Because she's fugly, just like you.

- Hey.
- Now, who's next?

Dad. Come on. Hurry up,
I wanna go to Pirate's Plunge.

One second. Yeah, we're going
on all the rides. We're doing them all.

We'll have fun.

Are you making a sissy?

No, I'm not.

You know they put a chemical
in the pool that turns urine blue.

No, no, no, that's an old wives' tale,
sweetie. That's an old wives' tale.

Oh, my God.
You're humiliating me.

Mama, Mama.

Wanna take a picture?

All right. A little farther.




I don't know about this one, Dad.
It's kind of steep.

It's a little steeper than I remember.

Okay, let's go on another ride.

- I don't like it either, yeah.
- Come on, we'll get out of here.

Good thing the kid chickened out
so you don't have to go, right, Feder?

Why don't you hire somebody
to do it for you, Mr. Richie Rich?

Good idea.
Hey, Wiley, what's up, man?

- Step aside. Let me get this on.
- All right, son.

Hasta la vista, chicken shiznit.

Yeah, look at him go.

Go, kid.

That was good. That was very nice.

All right, now I want some of this.

Look at this. Look at this.

- What happened there?
- Attaboy. Way to go, Greggie.

Backwards, huh? Look at him.

Backwards, baby.

You're up, Hollywood.

I'm up? All right. I don't know how
you follow backwards.

Just pay attention to the dismount,
would you?

Looks like second place again,
Bailey, huh?

- Hear this guy? Second place.
- Second place.

Go down there hanging by your feet.

Show these idiots.

By my feet?


Is that safe?

What do you care? You're an animal.
You're an animal.

I'm an animal.


- Why don't you do it?
- I got kids.

Yeah, Wiley.

Wiley, Wiley, Wiley.

Oh, you don't need to do this.

I'm an animal.

I'm an animal.


I can't get my foot out.

That's how you do it, boy.

- Becky.
- You can do this.

- Good. There you go.
- Give me a five.

Roxanne, look at him.
It's like he totally forgot about me.

Typical man.

They take all you can give and then
they trade you in for some cow.

I don't know what I'm
supposed to do with these now.

I do.

Now, see that, buddy?

I did the old bank shot.
Bank's open. Pick a spot. Aim for it.

Oh, yeah. Your dad'll go
50 for 50 with these.

Really? Because on the Wii,
the bank shot never works.

Yeah? Well, you should Wii-turn
it and get a Wii-fund.

Tim Duncan's had about a hundred
game winners with that bad boy.

Honey, are you watching me?

Oh, baby, that was hot.

- Come here, let me show you.
- Way to go, baby.

Move it, move it, move it.
What you gotta do is...

See the box up there?
Top right corner of it?


Focus, boy, focus. Get off of that.

Lamonsoff, focus.

Oh, my God, what a perv.

He's totally checking me out.

He wasn't... I don't know.

All right, come on. Go ahead.

Follow through. Keep the hand up.

Are you kidding me?


See how good you can be when
you wear normal clothes?

- Hey, Mama.
- Hey, baby.

How come you're not
out there playing basketball?

- You know I got...
- You got bunions. Where's Kurt?

Come on, are you scared?

What's wrong with you?

Stop it.

Somebody's in trouble.

Not looking good.

I do the same thing.

All right, I did everybody's first shot
for them.

Now you do the second one.

Come on, now.

No, nobody's doing shots.

We got kids here, dummy.
Gotta wake up in the morning.

We're gonna biz beers instead.
Who's got beers? Check them off.

- I'm gonna go with one.
- Yeah, I'll stick with coffee.

- I'm having this many.
- Cheers.

- I'm breast-feeding, I don't drink.
- I'm just having Metamucil tonight.

What's wrong with you guys?

We used to come up here and party,
man, and get wasted.

You losers.

Don't worry, you'll grow up one day.
You just have to meet the right girl.

Oh, my older sister
would be perfect for you.


She's legally blind,
but she can see shapes.

Anyways, Roxanne,
how did you and Lenny meet?

That's a good question.

How did this blob of crap,
no offense... this lovely se?orita?

Oh, he came into the department store
where I was working.

I helped him.

He wanted me to try this skirt on.

Oh, the old "try on the skirt" trick.

I got you. Very sneaky, sis.

Yeah, he did trick me. Afterwards
he made me try on a bra and...

Hey, I was just trying to help.

- Exactly.
- Okay, okay. I did like him a little.

It was a good day.

Oh, God! Oh, my water.
My water's breaking.

The baby's coming!

- Are you serious?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, you.

Oh, my God.

I got you, I got you, I got you.

All right.

I'm just playing.

Oh, my God, it's...

Do you know this song?
Oh, this song's the best.

This song is the best.

Oh, this song gets me so horny.

You know, I was thinking that,
but now not so much.

I'd like to claim credit for that.

Because that's all part of my
"get some nookie" playlist.

Get the ladies on the dance floor,
and I got my lady right here.

Come on, honey.

- That was a really good move.
- Let's do this.

Yeah, you guys dance.

- It has been a while.
- A long while.

I know how much you love to dance.

Oh, you know me,
I'm a regular Shabba-Doo.

Look at you.

All sexy. Deanne.

You should change your name
to Deyonc?.

Oh, God.

Yeah, so now he thinks
I'm sexy, huh?

Can I just enjoy a dance
with my fine-ass wife?

Yes. To the whitest song ever. Yes.

Yes, this is the whitest song
I've ever heard.

You know, Lenny, you were right
about bringing us here.

This place is really special.

It is, right?

Nothing's going on here,
and I love it.

Roxanne, I have made out with about
25 different girls in this very spot...

...and I want you to be number 26.

As long as I'm the last one.

Oh, that's a guarantee.

I'm horny too.

Hey, what are you doing? You idiot.

Lamonsoff. What are you doing up?

- I gotta tell you, it was crazy.
- What?

Sally. She just attacked me.

Like never before. It was insane.

I just did the same thing
with my woman.


Hey, where's Saskatchetoon?

Yeah. I don't know.

- What am I?
- A hoseteaser.

- And where are you from?
- Saskatchetoon.

Look at this.

- And what am I?
- A hoseteaser.

- And where are you from?
- Saskatchetoon.

What are we gonna do
with Higgins?

Yeah, and you know what?
This is what pisses me off:

You can't be passed-out drunk, single,
with no responsibility and not pay.

You have to be hurt for that.



You fell asleep on the couch again.

You know you supposed
to go to your room.

You're bad.


Marcus, the bird is all better.

Marcus. He wants to talk to you.

Marcus, you're gonna be the best
lifeguard at the whole pool.

Hold your breath, honey.

Hold your breath, honey.

Who's that?

Oh, it's mommy's boyfriend.

The one who touches you.

He's crying, he's crying.

- All right, quiet.
- Hi, Mama.

- All right. It's all right.
- Mama?

- Okay, baby. It's okay, precious.
- Mama?

I'm gonna take you upstairs.

Go and put your PJ's on, okay?
You can't fall asleep...

You can't just sleep anywhere,
you know that.

You go to your room.

- Go to sleep.
- You go to your room.

- What you doing?
- Come here.

This isn't a closet.
This is your bedroom.

Okay? It's also your bathroom.
You can make a pee-pee.

I'm making a pee-pee.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone.

It's the birdy's Independence Day too,
so keep your fingers crossed, honey.

- She did it, Daddy.
- Here we go.

- Bye, birdy.
- She's flying.

She's gonna be a veterinarian.
Is this girl incredible or what?

That's so sexy. What did you say?

Oh, I think that she said:


You know, these guys at the store
were talking so much smack...

...about this basketball rematch
that's supposed to go on.

Well, I'm glad we're getting
these uniforms ready.

No more drinkie.

Did you really sleep in the closet,
you drunk?

Think so.


Oh, God, Higgins.

- That's disgusting.
- You slob.

Oh, I had the sexiest dream
about a little blond girl, though.

I think it was a dream.

- Oh, nice. Classy.
- Sick.

These deviled eggs would really be
good if you had some marinara sauce.

Oh, it's Lenny's phone.


All right, here we go.

Oh, that's a three.

That's one, two, three, ladder.

Oh, that's it.
The rich keep getting richer.

All right. All right.
Schniggly is here.

So, come on, Robbie,
tell the man what's going on.

He doesn't care.

- Tell him.
- What are you talking about? Tell him.

Gloria and I are thinking
about having a baby.

How great is that?

That's great.

You know, the good news is she can't
get any more stretch marks.

- Boy, that's a good one.
- Come on.

You know, the good thing also is
Gloria and the kid can share diapers.

Man. You see, that's just ugly.

He doesn't get it. He's not
in a committed relationship.

He can't, because he can't stay
in a committed relationship.

Oh, look. He's just mad
because all the girls I go out with...

...are 70 to 80 years younger
than his wife.

Can't stop.

The last one I was with, she's blond,
she's tall, super hot. Not your type.

Me and blondie, we start going at it
and we're shaking the bed...

Shaking the bed?
What does shaking the bed mean?

I don't know, I just know wetting
the bed. I don't know...

And then, right at the "good part."
you know?

This picture behind, right on the wall,
falls and goes:

Hits her on the forehead.

She cut her head.

It cuts her. I didn't slow down.

I just throw her two aspirins,
she yaps on them like a Frisbee dog.

I am tired. Marcus, your snoring
kept me up all night long.

You're a dead man. Get back here.

Come back here. That's my baby girl.
I thought you were my friend.

Leave me alone. Drink your maize.

You're gonna pay this time.

You bastard.
I'll show you how to be nice.

- Bad turtles.
- You evil pig.

- Robbie, wait.
- He's psycho.

Stop. Stop.

Hey, break it up, man. Jeez, guys.

- All right.
- Calm down.

Buddy. Buddy. What's the problem?

Oh, yeah. Arrow foot.

- Come here, baby.
- Come on. Why are you fighting?

Good to see midget wrestling again.

How could you do that?
That's my daughter.

- Do what?
- Shake the bed with her.

You think I would do that to you?

Out of any of us
you'd be the one to do that.

You did sleep
with Stimpson's mother.

I didn't even know that guy.
He was your friend. I barely knew him.

She grabbed my wiener,
I told you guys.

- That's his daughter. It's different.
- Me and him?

Okay. Maybe I flirted with him,
but that was just to get your attention.

- Well, what about his snoring?
- I heard it too.

Oh, no. Twice?

We heard it from three rooms away.

He's off the hook. You know Marcus
wouldn't be with your daughter.

I mean, not that she's...
You know what I'm saying.

- Well, what happened to your head?
- When I was changing into my PJs...

...I got the feeling that some perv
was looking through my window... I went to go close the shade
and I tripped and hit my head.

Yeah, dude, that's your daughter.

I'd never be with her.
You're my best friend, man.

And Jasmine'd never be with me,
because I'm me.

Look, sorry I don't have
my whole life together, like Lenny.

Oh, together, like Lenny.


I answered your phone, hip?crita.

It was your assistant.

I asked him if he canceled
the flight to Milan. He said he did.

Before we even came here.

He said that? Why would he say that?
I mean...

So he just made that up, huh?

I'm not saying he made it up.

I'm think...
In his head he believes it's true.

Don't you agent me, Lenny.

Stop trying to handle
everybody and everything...

...and start taking a little
responsibility for once.

I'll take responsibility.
Okay? You're right.

I thought it would be better for our
family to be here with normal people...

...instead of going to Milan.

We're normal?

I was scared to tell you.
It was easier for me to keep it a secret.

You peel back any marriage,
there are secrets.

Mine is I love you.
I love you very much.

Roxanne, I just... I...

Our kids are becoming nutty,
snotty, spoiled...

- We got a nanny, we got...
- So she is a nanny.

No, no, no. She's not a nanny.

Of course she's a nanny.

When does the lying stop?

It stops right after this.

She's more of an au pair.
Not a nanny.


All right. That's it.
The lying stops now.

I won't lie to you ever again.
I swear to God.

I love you.

Men lie.

They can't help themselves.

Kurt sure as hell lies.

What do I lie about,
Toe-J Simpson?

Oh, please. The nanny.

What about the nanny?

You have a thing for her.

I do not have a thing for the nanny.
I'm a married man. Period.

But did I enjoy a nice conversation
with a woman that wasn't going...

..."Where's this?" and
"Did you pick up that?" Yeah.

What, you can have
nice conversations with me.

When? You're always working.

And when you come home,
you're just tired all the time.

You barely even touch me
or look at me.

He sounds like an old woman.

Deanne, you should have married
Umberto Denunzio like I told you.

And if I had stayed with him you'd be
the one that's pregnant now, Mama.

You probably right, sweetheart.

I'll just butt out.

Thank you.

Look, maybe I do take you for granted,
and I'm sorry.

How's about I take you out every
Thursday night for date night.

No, Thursday's Grey's Anatomy,
but any other night would be beautiful.

And as long as we're all being honest,
I think I should be honest too.

I'm actually not a part owner
of the lawn furniture store.

I don't even work there anymore.

I got laid off in April.

But I rented the Caddy...

...and I acted like a big shot because
I didn't want you guys to know.


You don't have to hide
anything from us. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Since we're getting things
off our chests here...

...I got a confession to make.

I'm wearing a toup.

No shit.

I have a confession to make.

I'm really a man.

- No.
- I said that.

- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I'm really a little hurt that so many
of you believed it.

- We were just saying that...
- You're very womanly.

I know it's not my place, but...

Well, after all,
I am older than anyone here.

Hell, yeah, you are.

Well, despite the joking and
the razzing, I see a lot of love here.

And with love comes hostility.

Like Rob when he snapped at me
the other day.

That was scary.

And you all thought that I was so calm,
but inside?

Inside I was saying:

"Gloria Noonan... not call him a bug-eyed sociopath
with a little-man complex.

Do not say that his hair makes him
look like a dirty Q-tip."

I like that.

"Or that he resembles an elder gay
Jonas brother."

They get it. They get the point
of where you're going.

"Or a midget Filipino Fonzie."
I didn't say those things.

- That's my favorite one.
- Hey.


Life can be difficult sometimes.

It gets bumpy,
what with family and kids...

...and things not going
exactly like you planned.

But that's what makes it interesting.

In life, the first act, always exciting.

The second act...

...that's where the depth comes in.

Why didn't you ever tell us
that she gets it?

Yeah, you were holding out.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you guys.

That was beautiful, honey.
That was beautiful.

Group hug.

Okay, it's in position.

I don't know, man.
This thing looks crazy.

It'll be fun. I spent all morning
blowing that thing up.

You should be all right.

- Should be?
- Yeah.



Let's do that again.

It's not a favor. It's like a great
investment for me, man.

A car detailing center.

And there's none around,
it's gonna be a goldmine.

I don't wanna take your money.

- You're making me more.
- I want in, okay?

I know the owner of the Celtics.
And I can get us that account.

Those guys all drive
Bentleys and Ferraris.

How do you know
the owner of the Celtics?

Hey, I'm the leader
of his daughter's Girl Scout troop.

If he wants to make sure
she gets her Cookie Biz badge...

...he will give us that account.

- I love you guys.
- I love it. I love it.

You ready to have some fun?

Yeah. Hit it.


Go. Go. You gotta get it in high.

You really wanna do this, Bailey?

My five against your five.

Oh, boy, look at this.

I see the boys
stayed in shape, huh?

Robideaux, good to see you.


If you're looking at me, I don't know.

Look, we just wanna eat watermelon
and relax, if you're all right with that.

Oh, no. It's not all right. You're not
gonna weasel out of this one, Feder.

Wiley snuck out of intensive care
to see you finally get some justice.

Yo. You best be getting
to balling, Feder.

Oh, hey, Wiley.
Was the field goal good?

First time I ever heard that one.

Okay. Sorry, man.

Do you want me to get something off
the top shelf? Heard that one a lot too.

Seriously, Dickie, let us just hang out
with our families. We wanna relax.

Yeah. They're afraid of us.
That's what it is.

We're afraid you might eat the ball
before we even start the game.

Same old Higgins.
He can talk the talk but he can't...

I forget the rest.

We got Rob here with the bad foot.
You can't do it, right, buddy?

I think if the Buzzer was here,
he'd want me to try.

I think he'd want us all to try.

Was that William Shatner?

- All right, let's do this, then.
- It's on.

Game to 21.

Hey, hey. Okay, come on.

Guys! Look!

Well, well, well, if it isn't the other
black guy who grew up here.

No, no, no. In this town, I'm the black
guy and you're the other black guy.

No, man, in this town,
I'm the black guy.

White people see me coming
in their store, they get scared.

Yeah? When white people see me
coming into their store, they run.

Yeah, yeah. These my white people.
Go get your own.

You crazy, man.

Lucky shot.

Defense, defense, defense.

In your face.

Hey, guys. Motion '78.

To me, man.

Show me what you got. Say what?

Hey, Y! Where's M-C-A?

What the hell is that?
Sounds like owls having sex.

Robideaux, heads up.

- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Did that go in?

You made me spill
my freaking beer.

Honey, why does everything
always have to be about you?

Why do you always have to be
such a dink?

Get that. Yeah, yeah, right there.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't even breathe.

I haven't felt my legs
since the second quarter.

Hey, you wanna fake injuries?

- You got it.
- Okay.

- Oh, my...
- Oh, God!

I can't go on.
I got a slippery disk.

Oh, hon.

- Oh, it just slipped out.
- I'm done.

Somebody's gonna have
a heart attack.

What are you doing?

That's it?

Darth Vader, let's go. Sit down.

Please, honey.

Is that a cannoli from Virgilio's?

Did you seriously just take
your daughter's cannoli?

It's from Virgilio's. Leave me alone.

Don't choke, Daddy.

What do you say we bring my son
and your son into this?

- Done.
- Greggie.

- Me?
- Yeah. Go, Greg.

Come on, baby. You can do this.

Hey, Bailey.

Somebody fill up that jug with some
Boss water, for the Hollywood kid.

It's Voss, with a V.

Would you mind if I touch your belly?
I love babies. I love to feel them kick.

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Oh, thank you.

That's not my baby, that's my boob.

- Oh, I like to feel those too.
- Hey.

Hey, no harm done.

- All right, take it out. Come on.
- Sixteen to 16.

Half court, two on two. Let's go.

Keep your feet off the line this time.

It's tied score. Tied score.
Let's see something. Nice throw.

Tied score, guys.

All right, son. All right.

- We're up 19-16. Let's go.
- All right, son. Give me the ball.

- Come on, son.
- That's it, Greg. You can do it.

You know what's going on.

Oh, yes. It's raining threes
on Hollywood.

His foot was on the line.
Your foot was on the line.

It ain't raining threes.

- It's drizzling twos!
- That's all right. Good shot.

- Wasn't no three. Foot was on the line.
- Next basket wins. Let's go.

Come on.

This is it, pal.

Take him out, baby.

All right, all right, all right.
Take him, baby. Take him.

Pop it, Lenny.

Bank's open, Dad.

He never misses that shot.

Down goes Hollywood.

Down goes Hollywood.

Down goes Hollywood.

We'll crush them next year. I'll work
on my left when we get back to L.A.

- That's my boy. I love you.
- I love you too.

You're awesome.

- Way to go!
- We did it!

Hey, Lenny.

I thought you never missed
a bank shot.

Yeah. Well, I just thought...

...the Baileys needed to learn how
to win every once in a while...

...and Feders needed to learn
how to lose.

- That was nice.
- Yeah?

I'm proud of you.

Look at these guys.

- Lenny. Hey, man.
- Yeah, buddy.

I know you're bummed about losing
the game for us.

And you're drunk?

- No. Yes.
- Oh, okay.

Hey, man, there's one thing
they'll never beat us at.

What's this?

Arrow roulette, baby.

- We are good at that.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- What are you doing?

- Last one to stay in wins.
- No, no, no.


Run away. Not again.

Get out of my way.

Little help here? Take me with you?

Seriously, you're gonna leave me?


We win again.