Gray Matters (2006) - full transcript

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And the cares that hung
around me through the week ♪

♪ Seem to vanish like a
gambler's lucky streak ♪

♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to
climb a mountain ♪

♪ And to reach
the highest peak ♪

♪ But it doesn't
thrill me half ♪



♪ As much as dancing
cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I love to go out fishing

♪ In a river or a creek

♪ But I don't enjoy
it half as much ♪

♪ As dancing cheek to cheek

♪ Oh, dance with me

♪ I want my arms about you

♪ The charms about you

♪ Will carry me through to

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Come on, dance with me



♪ I'll dance with you anytime

♪ I want my arms about you

Yes!

♪ Oh, the charms about you

♪ Will carry me through to

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

- What do you say, beers on me?

Cold ones on me.

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out
together dancing ♪

♪ Dancing and romancing

♪ We're out together
dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, dance with me

Hey.

- Help!

- Okay.

- Help.

Oh.

Don't rush over, okay?

- Pick up something for dinner?

- Yeah, mm.

- What you got?

- Okay, I got us steak.

- Good.
- And chicken.

- Good.
- And fish.

- And fish.
- And tofu.

- Oh, good.
- And tempeh.

- Oh, great, we got tempeh.

- I couldn't decide,
and then I got

the regular essentials,
like asparagus and lettuce.

I got it.

- Oh, I'm not home, okay?

Don't answer it, okay?
- Yeah, you're not home.

Hello?

Hey, Carrie.

Who?

Yeah, she's right here.

- Hey, honey.

Dinner?

No, we just rented a DVD.

- Raging Bull.

- We do too go out.

I hate when you say that.

- I hate it when she says that.

- Okay, do you want
a Merlot or cabernet?

Do you want something
fruity or full-bodied?

Okay, okay, Californian, French,

Argentinean,
Chilean, Australian--

- Still at it?

- Okay, you don't have to yell.

That is amazing.

- Oh my God, Carrie.

- Can you believe this?

Ta-da!

- Carrie, good work.

- I would like to say
something, to Carrie and Derek

and their lovely friends.

Oh, my goodness.

I don't know what it means,
but it sounded beautiful.

- It's a fake accent.

He's from Poughkeepsie.

- God, he is adorable.

I could eat him alive.

Do you think he's single?

- I don't think he
plays on your team.

- No, but he's overweight, and
poofs are very rarely beefy.

I wrote a piece about that
in a magazine once actually.

- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Carrie, do you have
the new Liza Minnelli CD?

- Mm.

- Okay, and scratch
my last comment.

Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- How's that new
campaign coming along?

Carrie tells me it's been
brutal from the start.

Oh, more for you, yeah?
- Yes.

- Red or white?
- I'll have red.

- Right.
- Actually, I'll have white.

- Okay.

- You know, I'll have both.
- All right.

- Well, Julia Barlett is
not an easygoing client.

- She is the worst.

- If Carrie wasn't on the
account, I'd pull my hair out.

- Oh, honey.

- Doesn't mean you're getting
a promotion before me.

- Ooh, you sneaky little bitch.

- So, what do you do?

- I'm doing my
surgical residency at

with a specialty in
heart transplants.

- Oh, fabulous.

- Thanks.

- And how long have
you two been together?

- Us two?

- Mm-hmm.
- 30 years.

- I'm sorry, did
I miss something?

- Well, you were kidding, right?

- No.

- Gray's my sister.

- Oh my God, no, ick, no!

I thought that you
two were an item.

Well, I just-
- What?

These two?

- Well, yeah, you seem so--

- So?

- I don't know, so
together, I guess.

- Hey, what'd I miss?

- Well, she thinks
we're together.

Like
together, together?

- Like screwing
each other together.

Yeah, well, whatever.

- You're not the first
one to think that, Elaine.

- Thank you.
- Let me tell you.

- What?
- They're very codependent.

- We are not!
- We are not!

- Come on.

- You rarely spend a minute
apart, but if that's--

- We do too.

- All day at work, we
never see each other then.

- How about that, remember?

- You want to know something?

I've even seen them share
the same toothbrush.

One time.

- Oh, ick.

- One time is it's creepy.

- Listen, I think that your
relationship is charming.

- Thank you.

- Have you ever French-kissed?

- That's beautiful.

- We're gonna end up
like the Delany sisters.

- Who?

- You know, the
sisters that were

103 and 105, and they
never got married,

and they just did yoga and
headstands together every day.

- Yeah, I'll tell you what,
that's what we should do,

do headstands together, get
the circulation flowing.

It'd be good for us.
- I'm serious.

We need to venture out.

- Venture out, where?

When?

I'm too busy to date, and
I'm not goin' to bars.

The girls there, all they do is

they talk about
how fat they are.

They're not fat.

They're not fat girls.

They're thin girls
that think they're fat.

You know what I want?

I want a girl who's not afraid

to eat a hot fudge sundae, okay,
and have no guilt attached.

That's what I want.

- Can't you meet a cute
intern at the hospital?

Wrong, can't
do it, too dangerous.

You can't have sexual
tension and cut an artery.

It's awkward.

- Okay, I'll look for
a hot fudge sundae girl

for you, and you
look for a guy for me

who is deep and
sensitive and funny.

- Okay.

- Someone who doesn't
think Ginger Rogers

is one of the Spice Girls.

- Okay.

- Someone who wouldn't consider
going to Florida traveling.

- All right.

- Someone who's not
afraid of Ethiopian food,

someone who doesn't
think that Truffaut's

a kind of mushroom,
someone who would

call me an hour after
our first date and say,

"I am crazy about you, and
I'm counting the minutes

"until I could see you again."

- That's not gonna
be easy, darlin'.

Ethiopian food, I like that.

Eatin' with your fingers,
things, it's quite festive.

Hey, Jimmy, happy birthday!

Hi, Tommy.
- Hi.

- Oh, oh, sorry about that.

Hey, Jenny, I promise
I'll write my dates.

I totally forgot, I'll do
it in like two minutes.

Oh my God, I'm so
sorry I'm late.

My Weight Watchers
meeting went over,

and it was too good to leave.

- Why do you still
go to those meetings?

You have an awesome figure.

- Oh, thanks.

Derek thinks that I
have flabby thighs.

- Oh, he has nerve.

He has a receding hairline.

Did you mention that to him?

Did you tell him to go to
receding hairline meetings?

- Yeah, I know, right?

But trust me, the entertainment
factor alone is worth it.

Today, it was so crazy.

There was this woman who
was all mad at her husband

for not letting
her have dessert,

so she breaks into the
Soho Chocolate Factory

and tried to drown herself
in a vat of chocolate.

- No.
- Yes.

- Like Augustus
Gloop in Willy Wonka?

- Exactly, it's like
the cuckoo show.

Ooh, let's see who's
in Page Six today.

- Carrie, we need to focus.

I have a B-Pro presentation
in three minutes

with copy that's so pedestrian,

it sounds like a
crossing guard wrote it.

- Really, what happened
to that cheerleading idea?

That was so good.

It's so cool and kitsch.

Kitsch is in.
- You think it was good?

I told Lana about it
in the coffee room.

She said it was a big mistake.

She says Julia
Barlett hates kitsch.

- Lana?

Don't listen to Lana.

She's Mr. Phillips's secretary.

What does she know?

But I do think she does a lot
more than just type for him.

- Cough it up.

- Okay, you wanna hear this?

I heard some hot gossip.

- Yeah.

- Lana, wait, I feel like
somebody's listening.

Lana goes to Kemiko, my
pedicurist, and told her,

who then told Mrs. Karaquesh,
my dry cleaner, that she

and Mr. Phillips have been
seeing each other for months.

- No!

- I know it's accurate gossip

'cause Mrs. Karaquesh
never gossips.

- Oh my God!

- Ever.

Hey, Lana!

- Hey!

- Hey, what's up?

Do you want to have
lunch with us today?

- Oh, I'd love to, but
Mr. Phillips asked me

to do some research
for him, so--

- Oh, really?

Oh, that's too bad.

- Maybe next week?

- Definitely.

- Okay.

- Bye.

Research my ass.

You mean her ass.

B-Pro.

- The campaign--

- Conrad, make sure
the video system's on.

I want the whole
company to hear this.

- It's on, sir.

Carry on, Gray.

- The campaign exudes
nostalgia, comedy, thrill,

excitement and cutting-edge
fashion all under one banner.

It'll appeal to a
wide demographic and

with an emotional end benefit
of feeling charged up,

to challenge
themselves and seize

the day and be the
best they can be.

- Well, Julia?

And I must say you
look fantastic.

What do you think?

Great, no?

- No.

- No?

- No.

- Well, it's just
an initial proposal.

I mean, it still needs
to be tweaked and tuned.

- You only tweak or tune
if something has potential.

- We'll go back to the drawing
board then, that's all.

- Why don't you call
me when you have

something original to present?

- Julia, I'm sure we have a
bunch of, shut that thing off.

I'm sure we have
a bunch of things.

This is just one of them.

What's wrong with you?

That was crap.

Julia, just a second.

- I don't know, Sydney.

I don't know if this kind of
therapy is working for me.

How come every road I take
turns out to be a dead end?

Why couldn't it be a fork?

I like forks.

At least with a fork,
there's a choice,

right or left or east or
west or this way or that way.

- Mm-hmm, why do you think you
always reach these dead ends?

- Ooh, you see, gutter ball.

That's my life, a
bunch of gutter balls.

- Well, this is a perfect
example of why having therapy

in different locations
is so important.

Look at the deep symbolism
in that gutter ball.

No, this is good.

This is very, very good.

Can you think of one
word that best describes

the way your work
situation makes you feel?

- Can I have two?

- No, one.

- Oh!

Frustrated.

- You're up.

- All right.

Okay, another
word for how you really feel

when your brother
wins all your races.

- Frustrated.

- Okay, another word
for how you feel

when you think about
going on a date.

- Closed for repairs.

- That's not one word.

- I know, but I can't help it.

It's a weird thing,
but I see myself

as this charming hotel
that's beautifully romantic

and wonderful on the
outside, but on the inside,

it just needs a
ton of renovations.

Hence, closed for repairs.

- Nice analogy.

What kinds of renovations?

- Getting a promotion at
work, perfecting the tango,

disowning my mother, getting
liposuction under my chin.

There's nothing
worse than chin fat.

- I think you need
to let the idea

of sharing your
life with someone

other than your brother
enter your consciousness.

- But how can I be conscious

of something that
I'm unconscious of?

It's not like I don't date.

I've had plenty of boyfriends.

Maybe I'm in a dry spell.

- Let's try something.

How about keeping
the hotel closed

but keeping the veranda
open for cocktails?

- Well, I really like verandas.

I love trellises, and
I love arboretums.

Aren't arboretums beautiful?

And those houses with
the porch out front--

- Gray, hold that thought
'cause we are out of time today,

but we will resume
this conversation

next week at the
rock climbing wall.

Nice game.

- And what happened
to going to a movie?

- How are you gonna meet
anyone in a dark movie theater?

- How are you gonna meet
anyone at a dog park?

Get off.
- Hello.

The dog park is a
vortex for singles.

- Hello, when did we
become dog owners?

No.

I wash my hand of
this whole fiasco.

You're on your own here.
- Wait, not so fast.

- Ow, grabbing.

- Check out center field.

- What about, ah!

Yes!

- Holy smokes.

- I'll do the pre-interview.

If she's great, I'll
scream, "Get the ball,"

and you casually
swing over to close.

- "Get the ball."

- What, what?
- There's no way she's single.

- Do what I say.
- You know what?

Don't get bossy.

- Try not to get hurt.

Spazzy men are not attractive.

- Some spazzy men
are attractive.

Gosh,
you're so beautiful.

- Thank you.
- How old is she?

- She just turned three in
September, or should I say 21?

She's legal.

- Yeah, I suppose I should buy
her her first cocktail, huh?

- Maybe a liver martini
with a beef jerky twist?

I'm Charlie,
originally Charlotte,

but it always seemed too long
and never quite suited me.

- I'm Gray.

You can't really shorten
that or it'd be Gra.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Do you like old movies?

- Yeah.
- Dancing?

Are you athletic?

Do you watch the
Discovery Channel?

- Well--
- Do you have a boyfriend?

What is your favorite dessert?

Okay, let's see.

I'm a 1940s movie buff.

I love to swing dance.

I've never been
very good at sports.

Love the Discovery Channel,
nix-ay on the boyfriend,

and, well, it's
kind of a tossup.

I like cheesecake,
but I kind of love

those big, gooey, hot
fudge sundaes, so...

Get the
ball.

- Who's that?

Look at him!

Oh, you're so cute.

What's his name?

- Fluffy.
- Suki.

- Fluffy is his first name.

Suki is his pedestrian
middle name.

- Oh, well, you are so adorable.

How old is he?

- He's five.
- One.

He's one, I mean, he's
one-five, he's 15.

- This is my brother, Sam.

- Sam.

- Sam.

My sea otter's name is Sam.

- Is your sea otter's name Sam?

- Yeah.

- Wait, don't tell me
you're one of those people

that illegally keeps endangered
animals in their apartment,

like that guy that got caught
with a leopard in his kitchen?

- No, I'm a zoologist.

I'm doing an internship
at New York Aquarium.

- Ha, that's a relief.

- Free Willy is
my favorite movie.

Well, Free Willy
one, two, and three.

It's hard to pick a
favorite, and Jaws,

Finding Nemo, Orca,
Orca not so much.

- Do you live around here?

- Sort of, yeah, I'm staying

on a friend's sofa
for right now.

I just moved here from San
Francisco about three weeks ago.

- I love San Francisco.

- Really?

Have you spent much time there?

- Have I?

- You've never been
to San Francisco.

- I know I've never
been to San Francisco.

I've never been to San Francisco
but I know I would love it.

Tony Bennett loves it, and
he left his heart there.

I love Tony Bennett.

There you go.

- I have to go home for dinner.

Can I have Flicker back?

- Yeah, you can have
Flicker Fluffy Suki back.

That's the neighbor's dog.

We just walk him while he takes

piano lessons 'cause
we love that dog.

- He's a budding pianist.

- That's so funny.

Gypsy's not mine either.

I dog walk on the
side for extra cash.

I should probably
get her back, so...

- Oh.

- It was really nice
to meet you both.

- Nice meeting you both, you.
- Nice meeting you.

What are you waiting for?

- What?
- She's leaving.

- I see she's leaving.

All right, excuse me!

Look, since you're new in
town, if you're not doing

anything tonight, maybe
you'd like to join us?

We're going out for tapas
and some bad Spanish wine,

if you'd like to join us.

I just said that.

Would you like to join us?

Three times.

- Yeah, I'd love to.

Okay.

Perfecto!

- Oh, easy, Pancho Villa,
these girls are con mio.

More vino, por favor.

Gracias, gracias.

- Carlos, cover me!

I'm going in.

- Okay, best food movie.

- Like Water For Chocolate.

- Babette's Feast, how
'bout Babette's Feast?

- Yeah, okay.

- Okay, Fatso
starring Dom DeLuise.

- Yeah.
- Oh, good one.

Okay, is it me?

Let's see, women you
need to get away from.

- Bette Davis in What Ever
Happened to Baby Jane?

- Ah, good one,
I got Glenn Close

in Fatal Attraction
for the rabbit.

- Kathy Bates in Misery.

- Okay, okay.
- Nice, nice.

- How 'bout best screen kiss?

- Clark Gable and Vivien
Leigh in Gone with the Wind.

- That's overrated, I think.

I'll go with Cary Grant and
Ingrid Bergman in Notorious.

- Okay, I'll see your
Notorious and I'll raise you

Omar Sharif and Julie
Christie in Doctor Zhivago.

- Very good.
- Okay, wait.

I'll see your Doctor
Zhivago and I will raise you

Lady and the Tramp in
Lady and the Tramp.

- Winner, winner.

The spaghetti pooch
smooch, nothing's better.

- Thank God we're home.

My toes are even
starting to swell.

I'm exhausted.

- Dogs are barking?

No wonder, it's
4:30 in the morning.

- Oh my God, I have to
be up in three hours.

- I'm wide awake.

I feel like I
could go for hours.

I guess I'm nocturnal.
- Oh, yeah?

Me too, you should get to bed.

How about a nightcap?

- Great.
- What the hell?

I haven't pulled an
all-nighter in ages.

Let's go to Soho House or Sway
or like a diner or something.

Ow!

- Don't you have that
big meeting in the

- What big meeting?

- Big meeting in the
morning that you have

to get to, that big meeting?

- Oh, that big meeting.

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

I should go to bed.

It was great meeting
you, Charlie.

- Okay, goodnight.
- It was great meeting you.

I hope we can do this again.

- Me too.

I'm getting my keys, all right?

- Straight to bed.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Hey.

- Hey.

- You got in late last night.

I didn't even hear you come in.

- I'm just getting in now.

- Sounds like you
had a good time.

- It was more than good.

- She's pretty great.

- She's more than great.

- Don't blow it, okay?

You're off to a strong
start, but a girl can

sense a glommer
from a mile away.

- She doesn't think
I'm a glommer.

- How do you know?

She could be thinking
you're a glommer

and you don't even know it.

- She doesn't think
I'm a glommer.

Trust me, I know she
doesn't think I'm a glommer.

- Glommer.
- I know.

Read my non-glomming lips, she
doesn't think I'm a glommer.

I know she doesn't--
- How do you know?

She could think you're a
glommer and you don't even know.

- Do you know how I know?

Because I asked her to marry me.

- What?

- And she said yes.

Can you believe it?

Anyway, we got our blood
work done this morning,

and we're going to
Vegas this weekend

and we want you
to be our witness.

- What?

- I know.

It's amazing.

It's incredible.

You know what she is?

She's the sun.

She's the stars.

She's the moon.

She's the jackpot.

She's it.
- You don't even know her!

She could be an ax-murderer
for all you know.

- Oh, no, I forgot to ask her
if she was an ax-murderer.

You know what she isn't?

An ax murderer, you
know what she is?

Perfect, she's perfect.

Gray, remember what
Mom always used to say?

When it was right,
we would know.

Well, trust me.

It's right.

- Mom is divorced
for the third time,

and she lives in a commune.

- How 'bout you stop being so J

and start being
happy for me, okay?

- I am so not J.

How could I be J?

I'm not jealous
of you when you're

totally psychologically
unstable.

- I'm psychologically unstable?

You're the one that
said, "Get the ball."

- Yeah, I said, "Get the
ball," not, "Get the ring."

- Gray, we're goin'
to Vegas this weekend,

and we are gonna
get married, okay?

Now, look, you can come with us.

I booked you a room.

I booked you a flight.

If you come, great, and if
you don't, that's your deal.

But you know what?

I'm gettin' married.

- How does that happen?

One minute you know
someone, the next minute

they're so desperate
they propose

to someone they
met 24 hours ago.

- Oh, hey, Gray Ghost,
I kinda told Charlie

that you'd meet her
at Bloomingdale's

to try on some wedding dresses.

She doesn't have a lot of
close friends in the city,

and I thought it'd
be fun for you two.

- Forget it.

There's no way that's happening.

It's too frilly, something with
a little less piff and poof.

- Yeah, I think you're right,

maybe something a little sexier.

- If you want sexy, I got sexy.

I mean, I know you kids aren't

Little Bo Peep
underneath those dresses.

But...

If you ask me, a sexy bride
just doesn't sit right.

A beautiful bride, yes, a
glowing bride, of course,

but sexy is, I just don't know.

Personally, it makes me
a little uncomfortable.

- Really?

Do you have anything in red
with a slit up to the hip maybe?

- Red!

- She's kidding.

- Just something with a little

less piff and poof and no lace.

- Oh, no lace, no problem,
I will be right back.

I just got in a Dior in duchess
satin that is to die for.

Great.

- Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

Did you know that Sam cheats
at Monopoly and he snores?

And he's got a hairy back.

- I work with animals.

Hairy is a turn-on.

Honestly, I was a
goner the moment

I saw him at the dog park.

There's just something
about his impish smile

and that twinkle in his eye.

- The smile isn't real.

His teeth are capped.

The twinkle in his
eyes, it's like

a reflection off his contacts.

He's as blind as a bat.

- Help me out of this thing.

My breasts feel like prisoners.

- Set them free.

Please tell me you don't wear
stuff like that every day.

- What?

Lingerie?

I love it.

I've spent more on lingerie
than I have on rent.

- I haven't bought a new pair

of underwear in over
four years.

Ew, that's kind of gross, huh?

- Why don't you try a dress on?

- No.

- Come on, this
one's only $10,000.

- No way, no way, not doin'
it, never gonna happen.

- Come on, it will be fun.

Try it on.

- Forget about it, no way,

never happening, not
gonna ever happen.

No!

What if I damage it?

- Shh, stay still while
I get this zipper up.

- Did you cover me?

I was at the Bloomingdale's
bridal salon.

- Mr. Phillips came by at 9:30.

- He did?

- Yep, but I told
him that you were

at the gynecologist
getting a pap smear.

It shut him right up.

- Good one.

- So what were you doing
at the Bloomingdale's

bridal salon anyhow?

- You know that girl
Sam met at the dog park?

- Don't tell me she's a man.

- No!
- Just kidding, sorry.

I've been reading too many
trashy magazines, what?

- He asked her to marry
him, and she said yes.

- No!

- Yes, the wedding
is this weekend.

- No!

- Yes!
- Come on.

- The worst thing
is I can't think

of a reason why he
shouldn't marry her.

I mean, she's smart.

She's beautiful.

She's funny.

She's amazing.

- Oh, please, she's a
gold-digging wench trying

to hook her little claws
into a resident surgeon

before he makes the big
bucks that she can later get

her hands on in an ugly,
ugly, ugly divorce settlement

that her lawyer,
who she's probably

schtupping on the
side, will handle.

- You're not still
taping All My Children

every day, are you?

- I TiVo it, but seriously,
you must be flipping out

that Sam is getting married,
leaving you all alone,

completely single, with no
real prospects in the future?

That's horrible.

I feel so bad for you.

- Promise me if I ever call you

when I'm suicidal,
you'll refer the call.

- Sure.

- Here you go, can
I have some change?

Kidding, don't spend
it all on the slots.

Red 21.

This is awesome.

Check this out.

This is nuts.

What are these, satin sheets?

- It's a satin-cotton blend,
possibly Egyptian cotton

if this is the high-roller room.

- Hello?
- But don't get excited.

'Cause you're not gonna be doin'

any high-rollin' in
this bed 'til tomorrow.

- Says who?

- Oh, says tradition.

You're not supposed to see the
bride 'til tomorrow morning.

- Well then, where
am I gonna stay?

- In the dinky room down the
hall that you booked for me.

- I'm so not staying in the
dinky room down the hall.

- Please don't be mad, sweetie.

- What?

- I think some
tradition is important.

Besides, we haven't been
apart in six whole days.

It'll be fun.

We can miss each other.

- Yeah, all right.

- Hi.

- What are you guys
gonna do without me?

- Oh, none of your business.

We'll see you at the
chapel in the morning.

- You're gonna get socked.

Ow, you're gonna get a
half nelson.

- Oh!

- Ninja claw!
- Hey!

Did you see the bathroom?

It's insane.

We have to take a bath.

- Okay, I'll pour the bubbles.

You order the bubbly.

- Okay.

Let's get toasted!

- I can't get too drunk, though.

I am getting married
in the morning.

- Exactly.

Right, I'll order
two bottles.

Ta-da!

I hope
you didn't greet

the room service guy like that.

- Hmm, is that why he
said he didn't need a tip?

Cheers!

- Cheers!

Please tell me you work out

three hours a day and
eat like a gerbil.

- Never been to a gym, and I'm
a macaroni and cheese addict.

- I hate you.

- If I told you I had
acne until I was 21,

would that make you feel better?

- A little.
- Mm-hmm.

My nickname was
Connect the Dots.

I have a toast.

To my soon-to-be sister-in-law
and my newfound friend.

- That's a bathing
suit you're wearing?

You're not embarrassed, are you?

- Yeah, zits or no
zits, my ass hasn't

looked that good since I was 17.

I'm not taking off a thing.

I have
a secret I want

to share with you, but I
don't know if I should.

- You should.

- You can't tell Sam.

- Scout's honor, though I did
get kicked out of the Brownies

for stealing money out
of my Cookie account,

so I don't know if that counts.

- Sam and I haven't
had relations yet.

- Relations?

Relations means my Aunt Betty.

- Relations as in intercourse.

I decided to wait, and I don't
know if that was a mistake.

I mean, what if he's too
big or if I'm too small?

- T.M.I., hasn't
anyone ever told you

to test-drive a car
before you buy it?

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Well, I love Vegas, and I am
certain that Vegas loves me

because I lost a bundle
on the slots last night.

- Is this five or six?

- I don't know, I lost count,
but I think I'm gonna be sick.

- No, you're not.

We're just getting warmed up.

- Geez.

- For my next number,
I'd like to give

a warm welcome to
my surprise guest,

the delightful and charming
Miss Charlie Kelsey.

- You didn't.

- Did.
- You didn't!

- Did.
- Why?

- Come on, honey.

How are you feeling
this evening, Charlie?

- Like I could throw
up at any minute.

Well, that
doesn't sound too pleasant.

- No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean because of you.

Can I just sit down, please?

- Not too fast, not too fast,
somebody has gone through

a lot of trouble to hear you
sing a number with me tonight.

♪ 12

There, I sang a
number, I'm going home.

- Come on, girlfriend,
I think we can do this.

We can do this.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go.

♪ At first I was afraid,
I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side ♪

♪ But then I spent
so many nights ♪

♪ Thinking how you did me
wrong, and I grew strong ♪

♪ And I learned
how to get along ♪

♪ So now you're back
from outer space ♪

♪ I just walked in
to find you here ♪

♪ With that sad look
upon your face ♪

♪ I should have changed
that stupid lock ♪

♪ I should have made
you leave your key ♪

♪ If I'd known for
just one second ♪

♪ You'd be back to bother me

♪ Go on, go, walk out the door

♪ Just turn around now 'cause
you're not welcome anymore ♪

♪ Weren't you the one who
tried to hurt me with goodbye ♪

♪ Do you think I'd crumble

♪ Did you think I'd
lay down and die ♪

♪ Oh no, not I, I will survive

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to
love, I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live

♪ And I've got all my love
to give and I'll survive ♪

♪ I will survive

♪ Only the Lord could give me
strength not to fall apart ♪

♪ Though I tried hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart ♪

♪ And I spent, oh,
so many nights ♪

♪ Just feeling
sorry for myself ♪

♪ I used to cry, but now
I hold my head up high ♪

♪ And you see me, somebody new

♪ I'm not that chained-up
little person ♪

♪ Still in love with you

♪ And so you felt
like dropping in ♪

♪ And just expect
me to be free ♪

♪ Now, I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me ♪

♪ Go on, now, go

- I can't believe I
lost that much money.

Don't tell Sam.
- He liked you, too.

Why did that...

He kept buying me drinks.

- Hey, somebody's got my purse!

Somebody's stealing it.

Ah.

My wedding shoes.

I had a good time tonight.

- Me too.

You can't go to sleep like that.

You gotta get undressed.

- Can't.

- Oh, God, all
right, I'll help you.

Sleeping.

Mm-hm.

Oh, here, here's a shirt.

- Do you think the woman was mad

when I asked to see
her husband's tattoo

It wasn't pretty.

I still don't know if it
was a ship or a bunny.

Did I tell you how happy I am

you're gonna be
my sister-in-law?

- About 17 times.

- Well, I mean it.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Oh my God.

I can't believe
that just happened.

How can this be happening?

You're marrying my brother
tomorrow, for God's sake.

Oh, this can't be happening.

This is just a mistake,

a meaningless,
too-much-tequila mistake.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

- God, you're up early.

- Up would mean
that I've been down.

- You're already dressed?

I have a
wicked headache.

Can we order some coffee?

- Don't you think
we should talk?

Okay, can we
talk while I get ready?

Yeah, sure, I guess.

- Great.

I can't believe I'm
getting married today.

I'm not even nervous.

- Good 'cause I'm freakin' out.

- Oh my God, I'm sorry.

I can be so
insensitive sometimes.

Are you really upset?

- Yeah, I would be too
if it were my brother.

I'd be freaking out.

- Well, I'm past freaking out.

I'm molting.

I know it was one of those
crazy, spontaneous moments,

but don't you feel weird at all?

- Not really, I mean, I
know it may seem strange,

but the whole thing
feels really natural.

- Natural?
- Mm-hmm.

- I don't feel natural.

I feel subnatural.

In fact, I feel like E.T.

I wanna phone home,
but if I phone home,

Sam would answer, and
that wouldn't be good.

- Yeah, you were just
taken by surprise.

- Surprise?

- Gray, come on.

Sit down.

Listen to me.

- I'm listening.

- Anyone would tell you
the exact same thing.

It is 100 % normal to be feeling
upset, sad, freaked out.

In fact, considering everything,

I think you're handling the
whole thing really well.

- Really?

- Absolutely, your brother
is getting married,

and deep down inside, you
feel like you're losing him.

- That's why you think
I'm freaking out?

You think I'm having
separation anxiety?

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ He's sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ So sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

♪ So sweet

♪ Sweet Lord Jesus

- There's only one
thing that can keep

a marriage together,
and that is lovin'.

♪ Oh, Lord, yeah

♪ Hallelujah

- Praise be to love, yes, Lord.

♪ Love
- Oh.

- As the lucky messenger of
our Lord and Savior above,

I look to the two of you
with your bright smiles

of devotion and
promise of commitment

here in the very house
of the Lord above!

♪ House of the Lord

♪ Lo, House of the Lord

♪ Peace, love, and devotion

♪ Devotion and commitment

♪ House of the Lord

♪ Solid as a rock

♪ Peace, love, and devotion

- Woo-hoo, yeah!

- This place is nuts.

- But before I
continue, I must ask

if there's anybody here who
has any objection whatsoever

to the union of
these two lovebirds.

I'm sorry.

Carry on, go ahead.

- As I was saying, if
there's anybody here

who has an objection
to the union

of these two love angels,
speak their piece now.

- Oh my God, look out!

Your hiccups gone?

- Actually, yes.

- Good, great.

Carry on, Minister,
no one objects.

Right?
- Right.

- Then by the power vested
in me by the glorious state

of Nevada, I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may now kiss
the bride, yeah.

♪ This little light of mine

♪ This little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah

♪ This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

- See the light!

♪ This little light of mine

- Look at 'em, sweet.

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

- Let it shine.

♪ Let it shine, let it
shine, let it shine ♪

- Let it shine on you.

♪ This is a girl
on a different-- ♪

- Hi, I'd like a
hot dog with kraut

on one side and
relish on the other

with ketchup on the
kraut and mustard

on the relish, but
don't let the two touch.

♪ I'm with her, sha-la-la-la

♪ Sha-la-la-la, I'm
with her, sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ I had a dream that she
would orbit round me ♪

♪ Her heavenly body--

- Sydney, I need to
talk to you right away.

This is an emergency.

Call me.

♪ Now, I'm with
her, sha-la-la-la ♪

- Now, reach to your right.

Station your left leg on
the rock in the middle.

All right, Gray,
what's really going on?

I canceled a session
with someone today

because you said it
was an emergency.

- It is.

Well, then, take a
deep breath

and tell me what's going on.

- Three short breaths, one
long, that's what Sam and I did

when we were kids and
there was something

that was difficult
to talk about.

- Fine, then do that.

- I think I'm gay.

- What was that?

- I can't say it again.

- Did you just say,
"I think I'm gay"?

- It's like this.

For years, I thought I
was content being single,

and I wasn't really
interested in a relationship.

I thought that
when Mr. Right came

into my life, he just would.

He wouldn't need some
fancy invitation.

He would just arrive.

And then I realized that it's
not Mr. Right I'm waiting for.

It's Mrs. Right.

- Oh.

- And I think I found her.

And I kissed her and
I think she kissed me back,

but I'm not sure 'cause I
never kissed a girl before,

and I'm not sure
what the rules are.

But I know that I liked
it, and I think I like her.

Now I feel nauseous again.

- Why do you think
you feel nauseous?

Do you think you committed
some terrible sin

just because you kissed a girl?

Why?

If you're two consenting adults,

what's so terrible about that?

- Well, I don't know
if she consented.

She was very drunk.

- Oh, so you believe you
forced her to kiss you?

- No, no, not at
all, she kissed me.

- Okay, I'm confused now.

- So am I.

You don't know what it's like.

One day, you think
you're one thing,

and the next day, you realize
you're something else.

I feel like I'm Dorothy
in The Wizard of Oz,

and I'm in this new land
and I want to get home,

but something is telling
me maybe this is my home.

Maybe I shouldn't click
my heels three times.

Maybe I should just stay here

and be nauseous
with the Munchkins.

- What scares you most
about this whole thing?

- That I'll lose Sam and
he'll never talk to me again.

- Well, why would Sam even care?

- Well, call me
crazy, but he might be

a little upset I
kissed his wife.

Whoa!

- Are you all right?

Oh, God, you're looking pale.

Maybe you should take
some deep breaths.

I'm fine.

- Well, I'm not, I'm a wreck.

I haven't slept in three days.

I've taken 42 showers.

I've been to a church, a temple

and a mosque, begging
for forgiveness.

The Mormon place
wouldn't let me in.

- I think we need to talk
about this on level ground.

You're not thinking straight.

- No kidding.

We need to get down.

Listen to me.

- I'm listening.

- You're not gay.

- I'm not?

- No, you're not.

How do you know?

- Because it's textbook.

- Insanity?

- No, what you did was normal.

It was almost predictable.

You were so jealous of Charlie

that you subconsciously tried
to sabotage Sam's marriage.

Read my lips.

You are not gay.

- I'm not?

No, you're not.

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

- Because my mind is
reeling with these feelings

and emotions, and my
heart's telling me that I--

- Actually, our time
is up for today.

Now, forget about Sam and
get out there and date.

Your hotel is open for business.

Got it?

Now, I will see you next week

at the batting cages
at Chelsea Piers.

Nice climb.

- My hotel is open.

I have suites, junior suites,

deluxe accommodations available.

Hey.
- Hey.

That's a great outfit.

- Thanks.

- Actually, my grandfather
always told me it's much nicer

to say, "That outfit looks
very becoming on you."

- Well, thanks to
you and your pops.

Whoa, that
coffee smells great.

I'm on this no-caffeine
kick right now,

but I still find myself
hanging around Starbucks

trying to get an aroma buzz.

Actually,
it's not all coffee.

It's one-third coffee,
one-third cocoa, one-third chai

with a little bit of steamed soy

and cinnamon and a
little bit of nutmeg.

- Wow, that's a new one.

What was that?

- Mm, nothing.

Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?

- Wow, that took guts.

Would you?

- Sure, what time?

- Raoul's at 10:00.

- All right, well,
I'll see you then.

- Great, are you going up?

- Down.
- Okay, see you tonight.

Oh!

- Are you okay?

Is anything sprained,
anything broken?

Maybe we should call a doctor.

- I'm fine, thank you.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?

Say eight o'clock at Raoul's?

- Me?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, well, you know,
I'm a pretty busy guy.

I'm usually booked
up every night.

I'd have to check my schedule.

Yeah, yeah, I think
I can do that.

Great.

- Cool.

- Hey, Gray, Gray Ghost,
need a little help?

Oh, you did some
serious, oh, damage.

Holy smokes, look at you.

What's the occasion?

- I got a couple
of dates tonight.

- A couple?

- Yeah, I got a eight
o'clock dinner with one,

and I got a 10 o'clock
dinner with the other.

- That's great.

You look great.

Did you get that
rash you always get

on your chest
before you go out--

- No, why do you
have to remind me?

- I'm just trying to help.

Look, is now a
good time to talk?

- About what?

- I just wanted to
check in and see

when you thought you
might get your own place.

I know we get along great,
and Charlie loves you,

she's gonna love that
outfit, but we are newlyweds,

so I thought you
might.

- Why don't you find
a new apartment?

Do you know how
hard it is to find

a rent-controlled
place in the city?

Why do I have to
be the one to move?

- For two reasons, one,
the lease is in my name,

and, two, I found
the apartment first.

- Well, that's 'cause
a 90-year-old woman

died on your shift
at the hospital,

and her body wasn't even
cold before you were calling

the super, claiming
to be her nephew.

- I didn't hear you
complaining back then.

As a matter of fact, you went
to her funeral as I recall.

- Yeah, that's
'cause I'm sensitive

and not a mean ogre like you.

You can't kick me out.

I decorated the whole apartment.

I even grouted the
bathroom tiles myself.

- I'm not kicking you
out on the street.

I'm just saying maybe you should
start looking, that's all.

- I hate you!
- You don't hate me.

- Hey, I can hear you guys
yelling from around the block.

What's going on?

- I wasn't yelling,
she was yelling.

- I was, I hate him!
- Why?

What did he do now?
- Me, me?

That's a little presumptuous,
don't you think?

- He's kicking me out.

- Sam, I thought we
spoke about this.

We'll get our own
place once I get

a full-time position
at the aquarium.

Until then, it's fine.

I actually kind of like it.

- You do?

- Yeah, it's fun.

I love living with
the both of you.

What's wrong?

Shit.

She has a
couple of dates tonight

and her chest just
broke out into hives.

- Oh.

- Hey, I think, I don't
know if you remember me,

but I think you drove me before.

- Oh, you're not
very fond of Florida,

and when you refer to
Ginger's companion,

you're not talking
about sushi or wasabi.

Not bad.

Where's that funny
accent of yours from?

- Oh, a funny place
called Scotland.

- What brings you to New York?

- Fame and fortune, of course.

- Hmm, how's that goin'?

- Well, let's see.

I've had two auditions so far.

The first one was for the
lead in a tampon spot,

the role of the
tampon, of course,

and then, the second
one was a voiceover

for a pest-control infomercial,
and I didn't get that part.

They said that they thought
roaches didn't have accents.

I begged to differ, but I didn't
want to seem argumentative.

- Don't worry, I'm
not contagious.

- I'm not worried.

- What can I say?

I am a mess.

- You don't look like a mess.

You look as cute as a button,
and buttons aren't messy.

- Well, looks can be deceiving.

- Back home in Scotland, I was

captain of the
local football team.

Yeah, and all my
mates used to come

to me with their problems.

They said I was pretty good.

So, I'm all ears
if you want to talk

to someone from the
outside, you know?

- That is sweet,
but it would take

all night to tackle
my laundry list.

Thanks.

Keep the change.

- Thank you.

I'm crazy about you,
and I'm counting

the minutes until
I see you again.

- Hey, that's my line.

- I'm an actor.

We get paid to steal
other people's lines.

- See ya.

- Seriously, though, could I
give you a lift home tonight?

I could come and
fetch you about, say,

No charge.

- Okay.

- Great.

- Excuse me, can I get
another double vodka martini?

- Sure.

- With three olives and, ooh,
a tiny splash of vermouth.

- Okay.

- And just a hint, a
hint of salt on the rim.

- Yeah.
- Can we order please, also?

- Of course, would you
like to hear the specials?

- Please.
- Yeah.

- Fantastic, tonight we
have a braised lamb shank

marinated in a
rosemary-lime sauce.

That's served with a
creamed pumpkin squash.

We also have a
grilled halibut steak

in a soy, tamari lemon-zest
glaze, and that comes

with grilled seaweed and
an orange and almond salad.

Do we know what we'd like?

- Yes, I'll have the halibut
with the pumpkin squash

and the rosemary-lime sauce

and not the
soy-tamari-lemon stuff.

That does
sound good, doesn't it?

Yeah, they don't come together.

- Well, can you make
'em come together?

- I'll try.

- Try hard, and I'll
have the duck comfit.

- Excellent, coming right up.

- Conrad, I'm impressed.

You duked the guy.

I didn't know you had it in you.

- There's a lot in me
that you don't know about.

I'm a burnin' sex machine
just waitin' to be used

and abused by you, the
harder, the better.

- Check, please.

I try to do as much
as I can, but it's not good.

- How?
- I don't know.

So, wait, let me just
get this straight.

So you love Capra, you run
in the park, you tango,

you live for Italy,
and you hate asparagus.

Are you sure we weren't
separated at birth?

- You don't play poker, do you?

- I've been playing
with the same buddies

every Thursday since I was 15.

- I'm a five-card
stud girl, myself,

closed hand, deuces wild.

- I love it when you talk dirty.

- This is actually fun.

I have to admit, I usually dread
the whole first-date thing.

You know, the awkward
lulls in the conversation

and then the anxious
pain in the pit

of my stomach when I can't wait

for the night to end, but I'm
feeling no pain, no lulls.

- Yeah, I'm feeling rather
painless and lull-less myself.

- Cheers to that.

- Cheers.

But, I do want to be honest
with you about something.

- Oh, no, honesty
on the first date.

That has a bad ring to it.

- See, I was so
flattered with the way

you asked me out
in the elevator.

- I know, don't tell me.

You're married.

- Well, actually,
I'm not married,

but Stewart and I have been
living together for years, yeah.

- Stewart, am I a moron or what?

- Don't be so hard on yourself.

- I can't help it, I'm hopeless.

- You're not.

- I'm a walking
Dear Abby column.

- Hey, just hold on
a minute, darling.

All you need is some space,

some fresh air and
some perspective.

- Fresh air, space and
perspective in New York City.

- Stick with me.

Wow, this
is unbelievable.

- Isn't this fantastic?

Yeah, it's one of
the perks of the job.

I give Jimmy the
doorman free rides,

and he lets me come up
here whenever I fancy.

- I love this city.

- Oh, me too.

You know, it's funny
'cause sometimes, up here,

everything is so tall and grand.

Even my biggest problems, you
know, suddenly seem very wee.

Within seconds, they just
melt away like tiny dewdrops.

- You're so sweet.

Thanks for cheering me up.

- Ah, it's my pleasure.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I've been wanting to
do that from the moment

I saw your face in
my rear-view mirror.

What's wrong?

Oh, Christ, was it awful?

I'm a wee bit out of practice.

- No, it wasn't awful.

You're a really nice kisser.

- Why, thank you.

Your lips seemed
nice and supple, too.

But I'm sensing
that your heart's

not doing the Riverdance
thing that mine is.

- Gordy, I'm sorry, oh.

- For what?

- For being me.

- Ah, there's nothing
wrong with that.

I happen to think
you're pretty dandy.

So you're gay, big deal.

- How did you know?

- Just a feeling, I
suppose, that and the fact

that you haven't shut up
about Charlie all night.

And every time you
mentioned her name, you got

that little sparkle
thing in your eyes.

- What am I gonna do now?

- Ah, that's easy.

You're gonna move
on with your life,

start being the person
that you're supposed to be,

instead of wasting
your time pretending

to be someone that you're not.

I mean, crikey, are
you not exhausted?

- I am, but it's so much
easier to keep pretending.

- Oh, but easy is
so bloody boring!

Isn't it?

As your newfound friend,

I am prescribing
a remedy for you.

That's part of the remedy.

This is the remedy.

"I am woman.

"Hear me roar," Helen Reddy.

She'll sort you out.

Well, there
are a few things

I'd like to know about you, too.

Well, all right,

what would you like
to know about me?

Oh, just about
anything, things you like,

things you don't like,
where you went to school,

who was your first beau,
what you want out of life.

Mm,
that's a tall order.

Where shall I start?

- Oh my God, Till
the Clouds Roll By.

I guess I like
what everyone likes.

- That's one of my
favorite all-time movies.

I know every line
and every step.

Me too.

- Will you dance with me?

- Oh, no, thank you, no.

- Go ahead and dance
with her, Charlie.

- No thank you.
- Aw, do it, Charlie.

- Will you dance with me?

- I sure will, baby.

Watch this.
- Oh, sit down.

- Do you know this dance?

- Yeah.

- What's goin' on?

- Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I hate when you ask
so many questions.

It's so annoying.

Sorry, you okay?

I'm fine.

- All I asked was,
what's going on?

- Nothing, I'm
going to bed, okay?

Got any questions you
want to ask about that?

- You should be ovulating.

- I heard that, huh?

- How you doin'?

- How you doin'?

- Mm, she's the best,
strong, independent, feisty.

- Who are you talking about?

- Who else?

Queen Oprah, Oprah,
Oprah the Great.

Oprah, I love her.

Do you understand that
I'm obsessed with her?

Like, I think she is so
great that she should start

her own religion, that's
how much I love her.

I love her so much that
if she and Steadman

couldn't have children and
needed a little bit of help,

I would surrogate
a child for them.

That's right, I would
have Oprah's baby.

That's how much I love her.

- Wow, that's a lot of love.

- Last night, I was so inspired
after watching her show

about loving your body that
do you know what I did today?

- What?

- I quit Weight Watchers.

- Get out!

- Yeah, can you believe it?

I quit.

Fergie smergie, I hate fiber.

I like Mallomars.

And if Derek isn't gonna love me

for the tiny amount of
cellulite that I have

on the back of my
thighs, then fuck him

Screw that guy!

- Yeah!

- This is the package, okay?

It's exactly the same
under the wrapping.

This is the package, no
exchanges, no returns.

- Yes!

- Right?
- Hot!

- Thank you.

I mean, why does
our society push us

to be perpetually
uncomfortable with who we are?

It's so messed up.

You wanna know why?

Here, this is why.

"Boost your buttocks
in five days,

"luscious liposuction,
the flawless face-lift."

That's why.

Enough is enough.

We need to stop letting
society and media

and our religious leaders
delegate who we are.

You're amazing, and
I'm even more amazing,

and anybody who doesn't get
it can go screw themselves!

That felt fantastic.

Spewing is a wonderful thing.

Forget spinning classes.

They should have
spewing classes.

That's what they
should have.

Where are you going?

You have a creative
meeting in five minutes.

- What are you doing here?

That page wasn't
from you, was it?

- It was.
- This better be good.

I'm about to get
prepped for surgery.

What is it?

- I need to tell you something.

- I'm listening.

- Maybe you should just
get prepped for surgery

or maybe you should actually
perform the surgery,

and I'll just come back later.

- Gray.

- I have to tell you something.

It's not easy.

It's really major, and I
don't know how to say it.

- Well, why don't you take
three short breaths and one--

One long.

I'm gay.

- What?

- As in Marvin.
- What?

- As in, take the R
out of Gray, and bingo!

That's great.

- What about it is great?

- It's great that
you're coming out.

- Don't tell me you knew.

Gray,
of course I knew.

- How can you know when
I didn't even know?

- Gray, I'm like seven
times smarter than you.

I've known since second
grade, when you had

a crush on Mrs. Wertheimer and
tried to look up her skirt.

- She was cute, wasn't she?

- I tell you, I'm
proud of you, Gray.

This is a big moment.

This is huge.

- It's big, all right, but
there's one other thing

I haven't told you,
and it's even bigger.

Bigger,
yeah, it can't

possibly be bigger than this.

- Well, I guess it
depends on how you see it.

- What is it?

- I'm in love with her.

- Who?
- Her.

- Who her?

- Your wife.
- Whose wife?

- Yours, I'm in
love with Charlie.

- Is this your idea of
a bad joke or something?

- No, I would never
joke about it.

I love the way she talked and
walked and looked and felt,

but it really kicked
in after we kissed.

- Kissed?

What do you mean, kissed?

Are you saying you
kissed my wife?

- It was only once,
and technically she

It was the night
before your wedding.

I'm sorry, look, I never
expected this to happen.

Just tell me off.

Just yell at me.

I know I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

- Gray, I want you to
pack up all your shit

and get it out of the
apartment by the time

I get home tonight because
we're done, all right?

We're done.

- There has to be a reason.

Why would she just move out
without even talking to us

about it, or even telling
us where she was going?

- Why are you so
concerned about my sister?

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It's not supposed
to mean anything.

You just seem obsessed
about my sister, that's all.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is it?
- I'm just worried about her.

- Worried, aren't
you happy we'll

finally have the
place to ourselves?

- Of course I'm happy.
- All right then.

- That's not the issue.

- What's the issue?

- Did you guys get in
a fight or something?

What aren't you telling me?

- I'm not telling you anything.

Is there something
you want to tell me?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

You tell me.

- Sam, what's going on?

You're acting weird.

You love your sister.

- Yes, I love my sister.

How about you?

Do you love my sister?

- Of course I love your sister.

I think she's great.

- Great, how great?

- What are you getting at?

- Nothing, nothing,
you know what?

I'm late, I gotta go, okay?

I'll see you later.

- Sam?

- So as you can
see, the consumers

love to think of
nothing but C-Pro.

- B-Pro.

- What?

- B-Pro, you said C-Pro.

- I did?

- Yeah, yeah, you said C-Pro.

I'm very sorry.

- Would you excuse
me for a minute?

I have to get a glass of water.

- Take your time.

- I'll be back in
just one minute.

I'll be back.

- Oh!
- Gray, hang in there.

You're doing just fine.

- No, I'm not doing fine.

I'm the Titanic.

- No!
- Yes.

- You gotta get focused.

You gotta center yourself, and
you gotta march back in there

and you show them
who's the boss.

- Who's the Boss?,
I hated that show.

I love Alyssa
Milano, I don't like

Tony Danza, and Judith Light had

really weird hair, but
Alyssa Milano had--

- Gray, you gotta focus.

Focus, okay?

You gotta get out of your
head and get into your body.

Get out of your head
and into your body.

Get out of your head
and into your body.

Get out of your head,
get out of your head,

get out of your head,
get out of your head,

get out of your head,
get out of your head

and into your body.

Take a deep breath.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Center yourself.

And go, go, go.

- Give me a P!

Give me an R!

Give me an O!

What's that spell?

B-Pro!

Yeah!

Woo!

- Lana, what the
hell are you doing?

- I promoted Miss Valentine
to creative executive

on the Barlett account
because I thought it would be

best to show Julia
two perspectives.

- You mean the one of her
tits and the one of her ass?

- Gray!

- I'm sure that Lana has 36
double-D ideas for the account,

and I'll just give you your
privacy to fondle through them.

- I think that was a
brilliant comeback,

clever and descriptive.

- I'm sure it cost me my job.

- Well, with copy like that,

they should be
begging you to stay.

Here, drink that
while it's still hot.

That, young lady, is my
granny's secret recipe.

- Mm, this is so good.

What's in this?

- Oh, tea, milk, honey
and a wee bit of nutmeg.

- Gordy, you are amazing.

You barely know me and
you're such a great friend.

You're gonna make some lucky
girl very happy one day.

- So are you.

- God, everything's
so complicated.

If it was 30 years ago, I could

just move away and
join a convent.

- Those outfits are so hideous.

You know, if you want my advice,
and I don't suppose you do,

but I'm gonna give
it to you anyway.

I think you have to go
and talk to Charlie.

- About what?

- You have to tell
her the truth.

- I can't do that.

- Yes, you can.
- I can't.

- Yes, you can.

I mean, for all
you know, she might

feel the same way about you.

Come on, her name is Charlie.

You've got a shot, but you won't

know that until you talk to her.

- What if I made the
whole thing up in my head?

What if she doesn't
even remember the kiss?

- What if you go through your
entire life saying, "What if?"

- What happens if she
does feel the same way?

What about Sam?

He'll never talk to me again.

- He doesn't talk to you now.

- Well, that's just
'cause he hates me.

- And do you foresee
that ever changing?

- Well, he can't
hate me forever.

- Mm-hmm, just drink your tea.

- This is so good.

Are you sure this is just
tea, nutmeg and honey?

- There's a wee bit of whiskey.

- Ah!

- Would you like
some shortbread?

- Mm, what kind of
shortbread is this?

- Mm, short.

God, they're
so beautiful and

Will they have babies here?

I don't think so.

That's Lucy, and she's Ethel.

- They're an item?
- Mm-hmm.

Never spend a moment apart.

It's very common.

I'm actually doing a study on
homosexuality among mammals.

- You are?

- I'm concentrating on whales,

but did you know that over
50 % of elephants are gay?

- How do they test that?

- They pipe in
the Village People

over loudspeakers
and watch their feet.

I'm kidding.

So where've you been hiding?

I've left three
messages and no answer,

and Sam won't say a word.

- I'm sorry, I've just
been a little preoccupied.

- Anything you
want to talk about?

- Do you remember that night
we spent together in Las Vegas

before you got married to Sam?

- Barely, I mean, I remember
having a great time,

but I think you got me too
drunk to remember anything else.

Why, did I say
something really stupid?

- It's not what you said.

- Oh, God, what did I do?

- I don't know if
you did anything.

It might have just been me.

- Oh my God, I remember.

- You do?
- Yes, I'm such an idiot.

- No, you're not.

- How could you let
your brother marry me?

- I didn't even know if you were

conscious of what was going on.

- Of course I was conscious.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

I'm so relieved we're
talking about it.

- Was I completely off-key?

- What?

- I sounded like a
cat in heat, didn't I?

- Is that what you think
we're talking about?

- Oh, God, did I
do something else?

- No, that was it.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Tell the truth.

Did you try to convince
Sam not to marry me?

- There was no convincing him.

Trust me, if I could
have, I would have.

- You know, every
morning, I wake up

before Sam does and
I just watch him.

I just lie there and stare.

And I love the way
his nose wrinkles

when he's dreaming and
the little purring sound

that he makes when
he's about to wake up,

and the way that he keeps
his hand on my thigh

the whole night just to let
me know that he's there.

And I know it may
seem crazy, but...

Love is crazy, isn't it?

It sure is.

♪ My mother, she made me smile

♪ It lasted all day

♪ I can't remember
what she told me ♪

♪ Now, I'm laughing crazy

♪ I don't remember--

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I was cleaning out the closet.

I found Dad's old projector.

- Is that you?

- Yeah.

Cute little surgeon, wasn't I?

- You're so lucky.

I never had a
brother or a sister.

Oh!

- I don't know what's going
on between the two of you,

but you have to
work it out, Sam.

Just talk to her.

♪ Speeding, speeding
fast, too fast ♪

♪ Just to stop again

- You wanted to see me?

- Oh, yeah, Gray, seems
Julia wasn't thrilled

with the way our last
presentation went.

- Why don't you go
ahead and fire me?

'Cause I don't need
to be embarrassed

or humiliated or
patronized anymore.

- Well, actually, I
was gonna give you

a promotion, but
on second thought--

- What?

- I asked Jordan to make you
the executive creative director

on my account, and to give you

free rein to do
whatever you want.

Carrie told me that the
cheerleader idea was yours.

I think you have great ideas.

You just haven't been given

the freedom to
explore them fully.

I like your energy, your
spunk, your candidness,

and I think with
the right support,

you're gonna give me exactly
what I'm looking for.

- Wow, I don't know what to say.

Sorry
to interrupt, Gray,

but your 12 o'clock meeting
with Brother Electronics

is in the small conference room.

- Oh, I don't have
a 12 o'clock meeting

with Brother Electronics.

They said they
confirmed it with your office.

- Please, go ahead.

I don't want to hold you up.

- Thank you so much.

You will not be sorry.

Thank you, Mr. Phillips.

I will not let you down.

Isn't she adorable?

- Hi, sorry I'm late.

I didn't have you in my book.

- Hey.

So you forgot your
toothbrush, and I figured

a toothbrush that is part hard,

part soft bristles must
be hard to come by.

- Is that all, you just came
to give me my toothbrush?

- And to say I'm sorry.

I overreacted, little bit,
not a lot, little bit.

After all, you
have to admit, it's

a pretty exceptional
situation, right?

On the other hand, I'm not quite
sure why I got so surprised

'cause if you think about
it, almost inevitable

that you and I would end up
liking the same girl, isn't it?

- You're acting very rational.

It's too rational.

You used to do this
when we were kids.

Then I'd turn around and
you'd tackle me to the ground.

I think I should be getting

my knees in the
lockdown position.

- You know, Gray, Gray,
you're not just my sister.

You're my best friend.

You know that, right?

Being without you, I feel like
one half of me is missing.

Lately, I've been
feeling very lopsided.

- Sam.

- Just 'cause you're totally
gay and in love with my wife

doesn't mean we can't
work things out.

- Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God!

- Ooh, now this is good.

- I knew it wasn't me.

I knew it wasn't me!

- Gray!

Gray, Gray!

How ya doin'?

How ya doin'?

Nothin' to see here, folks.

Put your eyes back
in your heads.

Hey, what--

What are you doing?

- I wanna die right
now, in this elevator.

I never wanna see another
human being ever again.

- Gray, listen to me.

This is not as bad, look.

Who cares what
those people think?

- I care.

They're probably
calling Jerry Springer

right now as we speak.

- No, no, they're not.

I don't think he
has a show anymore.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry for what?

- For having to
be related to me.

- Gray, don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, I just feel.

- Gray, look, you're
just coming out, okay?

- I am never coming
out of this elevator.

- This is probably the biggest

revelation of your entire life.

It's normal to be going nuts.

It's normal.
- I don't feel normal.

I'm sick and tired
of everyone saying

it's normal, it's
typical, it's ordinary.

I don't feel any
of those things.

- Well, how do you feel?

- Lonely.

- Why?

- Because I'm
never gonna be able

to walk down the street
holding hands with my partner

without the rest of the
world giving us a look.

I may never have the wedding
that I once dreamed of,

and I may never have children,
and one day, when I die,

people will never
give as much respect

to my grieving lover as
if she were my husband.

- Gray, it's not as
if you made a choice.

That's
what terrifies me.

It's so much easier
to be someone else.

- Do you remember
when we were kids,

you would have been about
six, and Dad came home

to tell Mom he was leaving
her for Mrs. Rosemont?

- Yeah.

- You remember we stayed
in the closet all night,

just cuddled up
like two little mice

and listened to
their whole fight.

I was so angry.

I was hurt.

I was just...

I was mad, and I wanted to go
out there and kick his ass.

And you remember
what you said to me?

Well, you were just
six, but you said

it was gonna be okay, that
Dad was not gonna live a lie,

that he was gonna
try and be happy,

and that everyone
deserved to be happy.

- I said that?

- Yeah.

- I was so profound.

Why are you being so nice to me?

You should hate me.

- For what?

For having good taste?

- Well, you never have
to worry about it.

I mean, she's completely,
madly, passionately,

like cow-jump-over-the-moon
in love with you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- That's great for me,
not so great for you.

But you're not gonna make me
feel guilty for this, are you?

Mm-mm.

Look, Gray, you know what?

You can't expect the first girl

that you fall in love
with to love you back.

That's not how it works.

That would be the
equivalent of settling down

when you were age 12.

You haven't even gone
through gay puberty yet.

- I think I'm ready to come out.

- To everyone?

- No, of the elevator.

- Of the elevator.

- Let me tell you
something, I should have

broken up with Derek ages ago.

I am having the best time.

So what about you?

Have you met anyone yet?

- Not yet.
- Really?

Girls should be lining up
around the block for you.

What's your type?

- I don't have a type.

- I mean like the basics, like
brunette, blond, short, tall?

- It depends, I guess.

- Funny, you need funny.

- Funny would be good.

- And stylish, no Birkenstocks.

- That's for sure.

- And for the love of
God, please don't wind up

with one of those ladies who
doesn't believe in waxing.

- You're killing me.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

- Have you ever been
attracted to me?

- No.

- Really?
- No.

- Not even a little?

- No.

- Huh, oh, not even
last year when I was

all in shape after taking
those Pilates classes?

Or last week when I wore
that pink Marc Jacobs dress

to work and you told
me how cute I looked?

- You looked so cute.

You are cute, but not
cute that way, cute.

- Hmm, wow, that's
so depressing.

It's not like I'm into
girls or anything,

but if I was a girl who was
into girls, I'd definitely

be into me 'cause I
think I'm a catch.

- You are a catch, but, I
don't know, you're not my type.

- Hmm, but you said
you don't have a type.

- You gotta stop
talking about this.

- All right, wait.

Don't you usually have therapy
at lunchtime on Thursdays?

- Oh my God, I'm so late.

Shoot.

Okay, I don't really want
to go, so watch this.

Okay.

- Sydney, it's Gray.

I'm sorry I'm late,
but I don't wanna go

to the batting cages
and I don't wanna go

rock climbing or bowling
or anywhere with you

'cause I'm feeling really
good about myself, and I don't

think you're a very
good therapist for

Thank you, and have a nice day.

That was crazy.

- Can you believe
I just did that?

That was amazing.

- Do you want to get a mani-pedi
before we go back to work?

- Sure, I need a pedicure.
- Yeah.

- So what if I dyed my hair red?

Would you be
attracted to me then?

- Yes.

- Really?
- You're hot.

- Ooh, mah-moo!

- I can't go through with this.

- Yes, you can.

- Why do I have to?

- Because you're gay and you
have to start behavin' like it.

- What am I supposed to do?

Wear a sign on my forehead?

- No, but, Gray, you haven't
had sex with a woman yet,

and that's like being
black and never having

listened to the Jackson
Five or being Jewish

and never having a
knish or being Indian

and never having had
a curry or being--

- Or being Scottish and not
keeping your mouth shut?

- I suppose so.

Come on.
- Hi.

- Sorry, no men allowed.

- Isn't that against the law?

- And I'm only goin'
in for a wee minute.

- Yeah, no exceptions, no men.

- Just forget it.

- Well, just go in by yourself.

- No, I can't go in by myself.

Are you kidding?

I have an idea.

- I would like an
apricot sour, please.

- I'll have a cosmo,
not too much cranberry,

and a touch of lemon
and a squeeze of lime,

and a little bit of sugar
on one side of the rim.

- Comin' up.

- Apricot sour?

- I thought that was
what you women drank,

for Christ's sakes.

- One of your eyelashes
is coming off.

- Give me a mirror, quick.

- Hi, can I buy you a drink?

- Oh, no, I don't drink,
you see, but thanks.

- You don't?

- Shut up.

This is quite tasty, actually.

- Let's get outta here.

I'm not gonna meet anyone here.

- Hey, give it a minute.

- Oh my God, it's Julia Barlett.

Quick, quick, we
gotta get out of here.

- Why?

- I can't have her
see me in a gay bar.

- Hello, is there anybody in?

- No, her?

You think?

- Gray, did your
mom ever tell you

what your IQ scores
were?

- Hi, Gray.

- Hello.

- It's nice to see you.

- Nice to see you, too.

I'm just taking a break from
working on your account.

- Gray, I didn't come over
here to check up on you.

- Hello, my name's Georgette.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

And lovely, and I'm just gonna

leave you two to catch
up on everything.

Mm, lovely, yeah, it was
lovely to see you, too.

Really nice, really nice,
Dutch way, three kisses.

So, fine.

It's fine, I'm
fine, you're fine,

everything's gonna be fine,
and I've got to go now, bye.

- You really surprised
me the other day.

I had no idea you were gay.

- That makes two of us.

- You're not just
coming out, are you?

- Put it this way.

My hotel's been closed
for a long time,

but tonight's the grand opening.

There have been a
few fake openings,

but tonight's the real deal.

No, I
don't understand.

- Yes, I'm just coming out.

- I don't think anyone
in here will mind.

You really are adorable.

I always thought so.

- Really?

- From day one, in
that little cream,

pinstriped suit
you were wearing.

I like that suit,
too.

I think I got it
at Banana Republic

or maybe it was Emporio Armani.

Actually, it could
have been Barneys,

but the shirt, I think,
was from Bloomies.

- Listen.

I have this beautiful
bottle of cognac

that I just brought
back from France,

and I'd love to
share it with you.

- You have it here with you?

- No, my place.

- Oh.

- Central Park West and 85th.

- Okay, well, I like cognac.

I like cognac.

I like brandy, too.

Usually I have a little cognac

with a splash of
brandy on the side.

- I have brandy, too.

♪ If I say I can,
then you bet I will ♪

♪ So crystal clear that
anything is possible ♪

♪ It's a brand new day

♪ And I am living it up

♪ Nothing's gonna
bring me down ♪

- Give it up, you're toast.

- You're gonna eat those words.

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own
getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all
kinds of love ♪

♪ Got a different view,
stepping up my sights ♪

♪ Gonna change this world

♪ 'Cause it all comes
back, that's right ♪

♪ It's the perfect time,
and I am living it up ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now

♪ Not this time around

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own
getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all
kinds of love ♪

♪ I'm finally breaking free

♪ Right now, I'm my own
getaway, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in me

♪ You know you're good enough

♪ You're worth all
kinds of love ♪

♪ Finally breaking free

♪ You're worth all
kinds of love ♪

♪ Finally leaving me

♪ All kinds of love

♪ Finally breaking free

♪ Anywhere the road goes,
every time the wind blows ♪

♪ I lean a little
closer into the frame ♪

♪ I'm not a lonely lass and
it's really just a blessing ♪

♪ 'Cause even in the shadows,
the light finds a way ♪

♪ I make another phone call

♪ They say that it's a long
fall, but that's okay by me ♪

♪ Sometimes I bend
but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about
to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish,
so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ Walking on a tightrope,
hanging on a high hope ♪

♪ Looking down, there's
nothing to see ♪

♪ I shatter every window so
I can feel the wind blow ♪

♪ Looking out, the
grass is so green ♪

♪ I write myself a letter,
put it all together ♪

♪ And I'll sign it away

♪ Sometimes I bend
but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about
to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish,
so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ When I look in the
mirror, I wanna see ♪

♪ Someone who kept
their promise to me ♪

♪ An honest reflection,
a girl who has tried ♪

♪ Believing it
comes from inside ♪

♪ I make another phone call

♪ They say that it's a long
fall, but that's okay by me ♪

♪ Sometimes I bend
but I'll never break ♪

♪ And I am not about
to win another day ♪

♪ It's more than a wish,
so blow me a kiss ♪

♪ And send me out the door

♪ And, baby, watch me fly

♪ It's all right

♪ Watch me fly

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Watch me fly, fly, fly

♪ Oh

♪ Watch me fly