Grandma's Boy (2006) - full transcript

When his roommate spends the rent money on hookers, Alex, a 35 year old video game tester has to find a new place to live. After an "encounter" with his friend's mom, Alex is forced to move in with his grandmother. Trying to save face with his younger co-workers, Alex says that "a really cute chick said I could sleep with her and her two crazy girlfriends" (meaning his grandmother and her two roommates).

[ Drumroll ]

[ Orchestral Fanfare ]

Oh, boy.

[ Bell Jingling ]

[ Man Groaning ]
[ Punches Landing ]

Fuck! Stop hitting me!

This is like if Tyson
fought an infant.

[ Groaning ]

I can't wait to
punch you in the face
while you're sleeping tonight.

- [ Man ] Get up! Get up!
- [ Bell Ringing On TV ]

- Saved by the bell.
- Come on, let me get in
a bong hit before round two.

Oh! Look at that ass.

- [ Bell Rings ]
- [ Groaning ]

Hey! Hey!
I spilled the bong!

[ Laughing ]

Boom! Knocked you out!
Eat it, whore!
[ Laughing ]

[ Bell Ringing On TV ]
You cheated, you dick.

No, I didn't.
Oh! The bong water reeks.

Yeah, maybe if you cleaned it,
it wouldn't smell like
your girlfriend's ass.

What's going on, fellas?

What's up?
How's it going?

Um, who are you and why
are you in my kitchen?

Oh, your landlord,
he, uh, hired us
to pick up your stuff.

This is bullshit!

It's like Cypress Hill
concert in here.

I don't rent to
those kind of people.

Yuri, what the hell's
going on?

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

Alex, how are you?
I'm good.

Well, for last six months,
you no pay me rent.

So now, I no longer
let you stay here.

All right, my friends,
pack up everything,
put on truck, okay?

No, no. That's impossible.
We've never missed a payment.

Every month, I give Josh
hundreds of dollars of my money,

and then he writes you
a rent check, right, Josh?

[ Sobbing ]
I love them so much.

You love who?

The girls at Madame Kamay's
Filipino Palace.

You've been spending
our rent money on
Filipino hookers?

They're not hookers.
They're massage therapists.

They'll massage
your cock for money.

- There's a word for that.
I think it's "hooker."
- You're a hooker!

- [ Box Hitting Floor ]
- Whoa, wait.

Listen, Alex, I make you
special deal, huh?

I give you five minutes
to pack up all your shit
you don't want thrown away.

And if you
take one extra minute,
I have my two friends,

they take your testicles
and remove them
through your anus.

Nice man.

Okay, they got one minute
and then you-- Okay?
[ Foreign Language ]

I'm sorry, Alex.
I-I should have told you.

You can't whack it
to Internet porn
like everyone else?

You know I don't have
a credit card.

So where you going?

I'll go to Dante's and see
if he'll let me stay there.
What about you?

Madame Kamay said
I could stay at the Palace.
[ Chuckling ]

You're sick.
[ Chuckles ]
I know.

Where's the bong?

You forgot smoking lamp.

I'm sorry.
Was that expensive piece?

That's your fault too.

[ Woman ]
* Just another day
Just another day *

Yo, Dante, pick up.
Josh is killing me.

Where are you?
I'm sick of talking
to your machine.

Why aren't you home?
I need you.

* Just another day
Just another day *

* Just another day
Just another day **
Hey, Alex.

Don't you answer your phone?
I've been calling
for half an hour.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was putting up
my Christmas tree.

Dude, it's July.

Get the fuck out of here.
It is?
Yeah. And, uh,

why are you naked?

Oh, my God.
I am naked!
Come on in!

Dude, your ass is
tanner than my face.

* For my mental
'Cause I'm spinning **

That is pure
fucking insanity.

Yeah. I know.
He got addicted to hookers.

No, I'm talking about
the guy who threw your bong.

You should never
throw a bong, kid. Ever.

Yeah, well, anyway,
I was wondering if maybe
I could crash here for a while.

Whoa. I don't know, man.
I got a business to run.

This is like my office
as well as my home.

Plus, the lion comes
in a couple days.

You're getting a lion?

- Why?
- To protect my shit.

Never heard of a dog?

Dude, you can get past a dog.
Nobody fucks with a lion.

Yeah, that's true.

So what kind of weed
do you want?

I got the Incredible Hulk,
I got some of the green monster,
I got the bling.

Hey! We go through this
every time I come here.

I don't care what
it's called. I just want
a bag of fucking weed.

Whoa. Chill, bro. You know
you can't raise your voice
like that when the lion's here.

Yeah. You know what?
I got to bail or I'm going to
miss my cousin's wedding.

You look like
a bag of shit.

You sure you don't wanna borrow
my birthday suit?

Thanks anyway,
but brown's not my color.

This isn't brown.
I'm bronzed.
[ Chuckles ]

** [ Classical ]

So you can't kill the demon
at the end of Level 6?

Do you have
the magic arrows?

Easy. Here's what you do.
Hide behind the boulder.

When the demon comes out
of the cave, shoot him three
times with the magic arrows.

Then his head
will start to spin.
Once that happens,

you jump up on the boulder,
you do a flying downward

with the Sword of Doom
and that's it.

Level 6 is done.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Have I told you today
how much I love you?
Mmm. Hey, Grandma.

Hi, honey.
Ooh. You look hot.

Well, I haven't been
out and about for a while,

so I thought
I'd step it up a notch.

Well, it worked.
Good. Oh, your father tells me
that you need a place to stay.

Just so you know,
Sophie left us two weeks ago.

So her room is available
if you need it.

Oh, where'd Sophie move to?

Ooh. Sorry.
Uh, Sophie was so--

Mean and full of hate.

So you want to move in tonight?
You know what?
That's a really sweet offer,

but unfortunately,
I promised my friend Jeff
I'd stay at his house.

Come in. Hurry up.
You sure this is okay?

Yeah. It's totally cool.
Just keep your voice down.
My roommates are sleeping.

You mean your parents?
Yeah, same thing.

Nice jammies.
Thanks. They're a present
from my roommates.

That's cool.

Here we go.

Um, where am I
supposed to sleep?
On the air mattress.

Do you need a stuffed animal?
I have a dog.
I think I have a bear.

Yeah, I have a bear.

- What are you, eight?
- At least I have my own bed.

- Your bed is a car.
- Yeah, but it's
a fucking sweet car.

My roommates said
they are gonna get me
rims for Christmas.

Or a C.B. radio. I can
talk to other car beds.
That'll be hot.

[ Yawning ]
Might get a stereo too.

My sister said
I should get an alarm.
Shut up.

[ Moans ]


Oh, yeah.

Come on, Lara.
My cock is lost in the jungle
and it's up for you to find it.

Oh, Lara, you dirty,
dirty adventurer.

Come on.
Let's go exploring.

Why don't you explore
my underwear, baby?

Damn, you look good.

What's under
the skirt, Lara?

Oh, let's see. Huh?

Ooh, Lara, no panties?
How'd you know
I liked it like that?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Ooh, here we go.
All right. Here we go.

- What are you doing up so--
- Oh! Oh, my God! I'm sorry!

I can't stop coming!
I'm sorry!
It feels so good!

I can't believe
you came on my mom.

You might be the biggest
perv in the world right now.
What were you thinking?

I couldn't sleep.
I saw the doll.

So you can't wake me up
to play video games
or something?

Didn't want to disturb you. You
were balls deep in that turtle
with a thumb in your mouth.

I love my turtle.

Anyway, my mom said
you could still
stay the night.

Oh, yeah, that's not
an awkward breakfast.

Tell her thanks.
I'm just going to go
crash at the office.

All right, suit yourself.
I'll see you in a couple hours.

You can keep the doll,
by the way.

Oh, I was planning on that.

Oh! My doll is a whore.

* I wasn't laughing properly *

* When you were talking to me *

* I didn't find it funny *

* Your story didn't
do it for me **

[ Clears Throat ]

Uh, excuse me?

** [ Heavy Metal ]

[ Turns Off ]

Good morning.
Um, I'm just looking
for my office.

Are you the new janitor?

No, I'm, uh,
Samantha Garson.

I'm here to oversee
the final stages of production
on "Eternal Death Slayer 3."

Oh, hi. I didn't know
anyone new was coming in.

I'm Alex.
I'm one of the testers.
Do you usually sleep here?

No. I was working late.
I love work. I love life.

That's good to know.

Yeah, um,
your office is probably
the empty one down the hall.

Thank you.
Alex, there's--

Brush your teeth.
I'll see you later.

Thank you.



Who the fuck is Johnny?

* He went so far *

* Across the floor **

What's up, Douche Bigalow?
How'd you sleep last night?

Fine, Speed Racer.
What did you do,
valet your bed?

Uh, no,
but I'll self-park it
in your asshole.

Come on. Let's go to lunch.
Hey, you remember Lara,
don't you?

Yes, I do, and she
already has a cold sore.
That's a surprise.

[ Chuckles, Kissing ]

Hey, word on the street is
Mr. Cheezle brought some girl
here from New York...

to make sure we finish
"Eternal Death Slayer" on time.

Yeah, her name's Samantha.
She's really hot.
She wants to bang me.

I'm sure she does.
Are you ready?
Oh, please.

Line up, you fucking nerds.
Who wants a shot at the champ?

Who's going down?

I'm taking the title,
old man.

The game...
is Frog Bog.

Let's do it.

[ Exhales ]


[ Inhales, Panting ]

[ Clears Throat ]

- Tea?
- Sure.

It's a wonderful
dandelion-nettle blend.

Very cleansing.
Good for new beginnings.

[ Groans ]

So, Samantha, as you know,
our immediate focus...

is the completion of
"Eternal Death Slayer 3"
in time for the fall.

We've had an enormous amount
of bugs at this stage,
and, quite frankly,

I'm a little more
than concerned.

"Knife Head IV" was
in a similar situation,
but we met the deadline.

"Jump Rope City"
was a total nightmare,
and we figured it out.

That's why I brought you in.

To complete
E.D.S. 3 on schedule...

so we can free up
all the testers for
J.P.'s new masterpiece.

Two major titles in one year?

And he's programming
and designing them
all by himself?

- He must be a genius.
- Well, J.P. is not normal.

He created the original
"Eternal Death Slayer"
when he was only 13.

He's the definition
of a prodigy.

[ Door Opens ]

- J.P.
- Sorry I'm late,
Mr. Cheezle.

I was in the middle
of another huge breakthrough
with the new game.

- How's it looking?
- It's the future of gaming.

Care for tea?

No, I'm good.
Uh, I don't believe
that we've met.

Oh, this is
Samantha Garson.

I brought her in
from New York to, uh, be
the project manager on E.D.S. 3.

Hi. It's nice
to finally meet you.
You have quite a reputation.

- Everything you've
heard about me is true.
- [ Exhales ]

So, uh, if you ever need
anything, just please,
feel free to call.

I'll give you
all my numbers.
Thanks, I will.

anything you need.

Say, J.P., why don't you show
Samantha around the office,
introduce her to everyone.

Sure. I cou-- Yeah.
I'll put my genius
on hold for a while.

After you, my lady.
[ Giggles ]

Namaste, you guys.

Did the kids in school hound you
for "Eternal Death Slayer" tips?

[ Giggles ]
I didn't need school.

All I ever cared about were
video games, and they've
made me a millionaire.

So maybe I don't know
what the Civil War was...

or who invented the helicopter,
even though I own one.

But I did beat
"The Legend of Zelda"
before I could walk.

That's cool.

I'm thinking of getting metal
legs. It's a risky operation,
but it'll be worth it.

[ Shouting ]
What's in here?

It's just the kids
in their break room.

Or as I call it,
"The Stupid Idiot Room
Full of Jerks."

Mine's the biggest office--
Let's check it out.

[ Shouting Continues ]

Let's go!
You suck!
You suck!

[ All Shouting ]

I thought you were
good at this, man.

Oh, flies. I'm a frog.
I'm eating flies.
A lot more than you.

[ Man ]
Eat that frog dick, Timmy!
Eat it!

I'm sorry you
had to see this.

It's all these
poor knaves have to
look forward to every day.

Yeah! Your shit's weak!
Shit's weak!

[ All Shouting ]

Whoa! Yeah! Yeah!

Your shit's weak!

You never had a chance, Timmy.
I'll get you eventually,
gray bush. Time is on my side.

Hey, at least
I have a bush.

Shit's weak!
Oh, hey, Samantha.
Sorry you had to hear that.

No. Congratulations
on having a bush.

How do you two
know each other?

I woke him up here this morning.
He fell asleep working
late last night.

Yeah, well, that's
what old people do.
They fall asleep.

[ Giggles ]
Wow, J.P., that is
a great outfit.

How much do clothes cost
in the Matrix?

So funny I forgot to laugh.
[ Giggles ]

Hi, I'm Jeff.
I have a bush too.
It's not gray.


My bush isn't
really gray.

Not according to my mom.
I thought I told you to
quit talking about that.

People keep asking me
about it.

I'm really sorry to have
to leave this conversation,
but I will see you guys later.

Get back to work,

Hey, Samantha,
don't take the red pill!
[ Laughing ]

[ Imitating Robot Hydraulics ]

[ Imitating Machine Gun ]

[ Imitating Robot Voice ]
Adios, turd nuggets.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]


Hey, Timmy, any chance I can
crash on your couch tonight?

Why? So you can
jerk off on my mom?

Jeff's a fucking liar,

What's that?

How many people did you tell
about the incident with me
and your mom?

Thirteen, maybe. Why?
I didn't know it was a secret.

No, you're right.
Your mom would really
appreciate it.

My bad. Sorry.
It's all right.

So where are you going to
crash tonight?

Um, this, uh--
this really cute chick
I've known for a long time...

said that I could sleep over
with her and her two
crazy girlfriends.

No way!

Three chicks and you?

Yeah. I'll call you later
and let you know which bed
I end up in.

Totally. Oh, my roommate's here.
Later, 'gator.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mommy.

Did you have a good day?
I did. Did you remember
to TiVo Samurai Jack?

I did.

[ Grandma ]
Oh, honey, they work you
too hard there.

That's a long day.
It's not that tough of a job,
though, Grandma. But thank you.

[ Chuckling ]
You are something else.
You must be starving, darling.

Yeah, I could eat.

That's, uh, quite the buffet
you have there.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

Oh, Grace, you remember
my grandson Alex.

Our new roommate.

How long you staying?
Um, just till I find
a new apartment.

- Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.

- How old are you now?
- I'll be 36 in October.

My grandson's gay too.
I'll give you his number.

I'm not gay,
but thank you.

Wow. That Grace sure makes me
feel warm and welcome.

Well, you'd be bitter too
if you had four husbands
die on you.

Probably suicides.

I was just kidding.
There we go.
Here's your din-din.

Oh, watch-- It's hot.
Ooh, be careful--

Okay, so that's chicken cutlet,
leftover lasagna...

some scrambled eggs,

some pudding and--
and, oh, wait a minute.

A piece of
the wedding cake.

- That is awesome, Grandma.
Thank you.
- Ah, you're welcome.

Here's your new room, baby.

Wow, Grandma,
this is nice.
Oh, good.

Hey, uh, Sophie didn't
die in the bed, did she?

Oh, no.
Good, good, good.

No. She fell out of bed
and died right here.

Oh, I am so happy
that you're here, honey.

Thank you so much, again.
Sweet dreams, darling.

Oh, thanks.

- See you in the morning.
- You sure will.

[ Door Closes ]


[ Creaking ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Woman's Voice ]
I died on the floor,

and nobody helped me.

You have got to be
fucking shitting me.

Oh, it's so cold
when you're dead.

I swear to God I would
have helped you, Sophie.

Please don't kill me.
I would have helped you.
I just wasn't here--

- Gotcha!
- Oh, my God!

[ Laughing ]

- You scaredy-cat.
- What the hell are
you doing, Grandma?

Well, I told you we were
going to have fun.


Don't curse.
You're better than that.

Okay. Fuck!

That's fucking crazy.

[ Ticking ]
[ Loud Chiming ]

Oh, God.
What is happening?

[ Chiming Continues ]
What the--

What? Come on.
Stop that.

Why are you doing
this to me?

[ Chiming Stops ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, rise and shine.

Go take a tinkle
and be sure to
wash your hands,

- then come down
and have breakfast.
- Okay, Grandma.

Wow! That was
a great breakfast.

Grandma, I'm going to go
back to sleep now.

Oh. Well, don't you
have to go to work?

Actually, I don't have to
be at work for another
three and a half hours.

Oh, that's wonderful
that you have all
this extra time,

because we really could use
your help around the house.

Oh, not a problem.
What do you need me to do?

Mmm, just a few chores.

* I don't need to need you *

* Tell me what to do *

* Tell me what to say *

* Don't you wanna help me *

* Tell me what to do *

* Help me find the way *
Here you go, honey.

* Hopefully
You make no mistake *

* If you learn from what
you've got to take *

* Good or bad
It's all gonna add up *

* In the end
But you can never win *

* Don't need to need you *
* Don't tell me how *

** [ Fades Out ]

All right, you guys,
I'm gonna need you to go
all the way back...

and recheck,
starting with Level 1, okay?

Kane, you are gonna
take 1 through 3.

- Whatever you need, Samantha.
- Barry, you'll cover
4 through 6.

Yeah, I can do that.
No problem.
You're great.

Jeff, you're already working on
7 through 9, so why don't you
just stick with those.

Let's do it.

The levels, I mean.
Not sex.

All right.

Alex, I need you to
deal with 10 through 15,

because those are
the real problem levels and--
[ Farting ]

- [ Chuckling ]
- Is he sleeping?

Yes, and possibly
shitting his pants.

- [ All Laughing ]
- Wake up, dude.

No chores, Grandma!

- Nice rip, Alex.
- [ Chuckling ]

Rip what?

All right, you guys.
Come on. Get to work.
It's crunch time.

Seriously, rip what?
Why are you so tired?

Uh, maybe 'cause I was
with three chicks last night.

Something you'd know
nothing about.

[ J.P. ] Excuse you.
Hey, look,
it's Bono's brother.

So how'd the loser
conference go?

Those losers are gonna make sure
your game releases on time.

Oh, no, of course.
Uh, they're--
they're the best.

I want to get you
a black cobra.

Just to go
around the neck.

J.P., I got to stay
on top of these guys.

[ Robot Voice ]
Please get on top of me.

[ Screaming ]

Here, honey, I made you
some Jell-O with no fruit...

'cause I know how
much you hate it.

And you got cheese and crackers
and some chocolate milk
to wash it all down.

That's great.
Thank you.
Oh, what's this?

[ Alex ]
Mmm, this is a video game
I'm making.

It's kind of like
a side project.
Oh, good for you, honey.

- Hey, you want to play it?
- Well, I don't know.


You are so talented.

I remember the birdhouse you
made way back at grade school.

This is a little more violent
than the birdhouse.
It's called "Demonik."

You play a demon
who's been summoned from hell
to clean out this meth lab.

Space shuttle.

So... this helps you
look around.

This button is to punch.
This is to jump.
This is to duck.

This right trigger brings up
your magic spell menu.

And the left trigger lets you
use your magic spells.

H-H-How do you
make him walk?

Oh, that's this stick
right here.
This here?

[ Alex ]
Oh, there you go.
Oh, yeah, walk over here.

Okay, go in this room.
Okay, use your telekinesis power
to lift those objects.

I don't see
a telephone anywhere.

No, no. It's like a mind power.
Hit the red button.

Ooh, perfect.

Okay, you know what,
use your fireballs to blow
a hole in that wall.

- Uh, f-f-fire.
- Yeah, yeah, that's great.
That's great.

- Go in there. Go in there.
- Is this a good or a bad guy?

Uh, that's a bad guy.
He's a drug dealer.
Kill him.

Oh. Oh, I hate violence.
But, oh, drugs are bad.

- [ Grandma ] Wow!
- Ooh, nice Death Spike.

Okay, now go in here
and use your lightning
to blow up those barrels.

[ Giggling ]
Oh, isn't that pretty?

Oh, this is fun.

Hey, wow, you got to
a checkpoint.

Is that good?

Well, so that's my game.

And, uh, you know what,
I have a little more work to do,
so if you want to just--

Wait your turn.
I'm on a roll here. Ooh.

Take that,
you dirty dopers.

Hey, you know what, Grandma?
Um, I actually have to go see
a friend and get some stuff.

So, uh, you keep playing,
and I'll see you later.

Love you.

I can't believe there
are people in this world
who still don't have cable.

[ Clicking Tongue,
Laughing ]

Dr. Shakalu gets it.
Yeah, he does.

Anyways, here's a black box
that gets all the channels,

plus pay-per-view
and a bunch of extra wires.

Just don't let a cop see it
or Grandma's doing some time.

So, uh, how do you two
know each other?

I met the doctor
at a cockfight in Pomona.

He's hooking me up with
the lion. It comes tomorrow.

Plus, he brought over
some crazy Zimbabwean weed
that'll turn you into a deer.

[ Laughing ]

You know that lions
eat deer, right?

That's true, kid.
Doctor, we got to be careful.

Oh, shit.
I've been here three hours?

I don't have antlers,
do I?
No. You're cool, bro.

Thanks for all this.
And, Doctor?
[ Clicks Tongue ]

Ooh, sorry.
Anytime, kid.

Oh, yes!
Finally, a roommate
who goes shopping.

Chicken cutlet.

Spaghetti with garlic bread.

Oh, my God, the wings
to go with the breast.

I don't know what you are,
but I'm gonna fucking
eat you too.

Of course she doesn't
have a microwave.
She's fucking 100.

[ Bubbling ]


Yeah, Dante.

Let's see, let's see.

Good night, my friend.
Sleep well.


[ Sizzling ]

Ooh, dinnertime.

Oh, fucking bitch,

Oh! Goddamn it!

[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Let me guess.
Was your dick on fire?

Hey, Jeff.

Oh, hey, Alex.

So, um, I-I finished
my first level last night.
How far are you, Alex?

Does it look like
I got any levels done
last night?

Oh, my God.
That's crazy.

Wait, wait. Don't tell me
your roommates did that
to you.

Yeah. Yeah.
I-It was my roommates.

They, uh-- They're crazy.
They're crazy.
They tied me up.

I was like
one of those, uh, calves
at the rodeo, all helpless.

And you know what?
Just when I was about to
scream for the police, I came.

- Ohh!
- And-And that felt nice.

That is nuts.
That is so hot.

Hey, you guys. Kane, can you
take a look at that for me?

Whoa. Alex,
what happened?

There was a fire
and I was-- I was trying
to save it from this baby--

No, he's banging
his three roommates.
They tied him up last night.

They had crazy orgies,
like, all week.

I don't know what
they're talking about.
They're just joking.

No, we're not.
You literally just
told us that.

Yeah, well, I don't think
that's very smart,

considering you work
with your hands.

May I see you in my office
for a minute, please?

- Ooh!
- Busted!

You are so fired.
You guys are assholes.

- Bye.
- Hey, you know what?
I-I forgot something.


Oh, my God!
Are you serious?

I think he fucking
shattered it.

All right. Look, Alex,
this game has to get finished.

And you are the most
experienced guy I have here.
I'm really counting on you.

My hands being burnt
will not affect me finishing
my levels at all.

Well, I sure hope it doesn't.

It won't.

You know, you seem
really out of place
in the video game world.

- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- No, 'cause you're
a really hot woman,

and you are swimming
in a sea of virgins.

Well, that is very flattering
and revealing, Alex.

Look, I know you think
I'm really hot too,

and you want to go
out with me after work
and get a drink.

But I have this very serious
deadline that my boss gave me.

So until I finish my levels,
I can't have any distractions.

- I guess I'll just
have to suffer until then.
- Sorry.

[ Woman ]
Mr. Cheezle on line two.
I have to take this.

Avoid his tea parties.
[ Gagging ]


What are you doing, J.P.?

Just thinking about my game.

How's that going?

People will bow to it.

All right.
That-That's creepy.

[ Robot Voice ]
I hate your face.

Did you say something?

You're fucking weird.

How can he see me?

Before we can roast it,
I want to get the heat
in the pan nice and high.

And we're going to
salt and pepper the pork--
[ Continues ]

Hello, ladies.
Enjoying the new cable?

Some of the places
do with string, some of
the places do with a net.

You like that
cooking channel,
huh, Grandma?

And it's all food, all day.

That's all they do,
is they make food.

I want to eat the TV.

Thanks a lot, Alex.
Maybe tomorrow you can
introduce them to heroin.

...with a label on it.
It's very rare to see
a beer stein-- [ Continues ]

What's this?
Antiques Roadshow.

What's that?
Oh, it's great.

People a take in crap
and then find out
it's worth a lot of money.

Move over, Bea.

I'm an antique.
Yes, you are, Bea.

King Gambrinus, who is
the patron saint of beer--

So, ladies, I kind of need
to use the televi--

Shh! Go read your Playgirl
or something.

$4,000 for a beer mug?
That's ridiculous.

And we'll be right back
as thesAntiques Roadshow
marathon continues.

Marathon? Fuck me.

[ Grunts ]

Come on.

Ooh. Hi. You're dead.

[ Cell Phone Rings ]
What's up? J-dog.

Hey, J-dork, it's Alex.
What's going on,
shit lips?

Uh, not much.
Look, I need you to
do me a huge favor.

You're not jerking off
on my dad.
Ha, ha. Very funny.

No, I really need your help.
Do you think you can do
some of my levels?

What? No. Why can't you do them?

Look, my roommates won't
let me get any work done.
They're insane.

They won't stop
watching... porn.

I can't get anything done.
They're total nymphos.
You got to help me.

You're dead to me. Over.

Oh. Jeff's a good friend.

[ Woman ]
Uh, this is not
an ordinary Tiffany lamp.

This one is a fish lamp.

You can see that
there are fish swimming.

- The glass that
these fish are--
- [ Chiming ]

It's 6:00 already?

Ooh! Okay, I'll
make you some breakfast
before you do your chores.

Oh, no, no, no, Grandma,
don't worry. No.

I'm not that hungry.
I was going to go
into work early also.

I don't-- I don't have time
to do any chores today.

Oh, it's just a couple
of things, sweetie.

Do you know how to
use a sandblaster?

Where did you get that?

Oh, well, there was a break
in the marathon on TV,
so I did some of your laundry.

I found that vase in your bag
and, well, it smelled terrible,
so I cleaned it.

Doesn't it look nice?


Fruit cup? Nice.
Way to go, Mom.


Quiet, Bobby. Can't you
see Alex is sleeping?
He's not taking challenges.

No. I'm challenging you, Jeff.

To what game?

A little
"Dance Dance Revolution."

That's great, Bobby,

but we don't have
"Dance Dance Revolution,"
so you're dumb.

- [ Male Computer Voice ]
Ultramix 2!
- When the hell did we get this?

It just came in this morning.

Suddenly, you're not
such a big shit-talker
anymore, are you, Jeff?

Looks like my days
are numbered here
at Brainasium.

Well, can you at least
go first so I can see
what I'm doing?

Oh, with pleasure.

Yeah, lose
the Woody Allen jacket.

** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Male Computer Voice ]
Dreamin', dreamin', groovin',
if you know what I mean.

It's movin' on the scene.
All right.

* Break it for me
Break the one game *

* Break the moves
And be the dance hall king *

* Ooh, Chaka Khan
Open in the front *

** [ Continues ]

* Break it for me
Break the one game *

* Break the moves
And be the dance hall king *

** [ Continues ]

* Break it for me
Break the one game *

* Break the moves
And be the dance hall king *

** [ Ends ]

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Good stuff, Bobby.
Nice moves. That was hot.

Well, let's see
what we got here.

** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Computer Voice ]
Are you ready? Dance!

[ Computer Voice ]
You're gonna break the game,
you're so good!

[ Siren Blares ]

** [ Ends ]
Whoo! That game is fun!
Oh, my God!

- [ Computer Voice ]
A new high score.
- What does "high score" mean?

New high score.
Is that bad?

What does that mean?
Did I break it?

** [ Techno ]

[ Knocking ]

** [ Continues ]

Hey, J.P.

- Do-Do you have a second?
- ** [ Stops ]

You didn't knock, Kane.

I did.
But I think that the music
was a little loud.

Are you afraid of it?

No. I-- I just
don't like techno.

You would if you had
robot ears.

[ Typing ]
Yeah, I guess.

Anyway, I had a suggestion
for "Eternal Death Slayer."

- You know the dwarves in--
- Three.


"Eternal Death Slayer 3."

Three. Sorry.

Anyway, don't you think that
the dwarves on Level 4...

look a little too similar
to the elves on Level 6?

Might be a little
too confusing.

Well, that's an interesting
theory, Kane.

But redesigning all those
characters at this stage
would be way too expensive.

I agree. But what if
you just rendered them
a different color?

You know, that would be
cheap and quick.

Uh-- Leave the decisions
to me, Kane.

There's a reason why
I'm the creator of E.D.S. 3
and you're just a tester.

- I just--
- [ Imitating Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ]

** [ Techno ]

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]
** [ Stops ]

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ]
He had a good idea.
Shut up. Mind your own business.

May I speak to you,
my lady?

Uh, yeah. I guess.

But could you please
knock next time?

And what is it with
this "my lady" stuff?

What are you, a knight
of the Round Table?
Come on.

[ Robot Voice ]

- What was that?
- Uh, nothing. Nothing.

I just came to tell you
that I noticed the dwarves
on Level 4...

and elves on
Level 6 of E.D.S. 3
look way too similar.

Could be confusing to some.

Well, uh, what do you
want me to do? I can't push
the deadline any further.

Well, you wouldn't have to
if you just rendered them
different colors.

Be cheap and wouldn't take
more a than a day or two.

Yeah. Yeah, we can
definitely do that.

That... is a great idea.

Those are
the only kind I have.

There's a symposium
on nanotechnology tomorrow
at UCLA, 3:00 p.m.

- I thought maybe--
- J.P.

- Yeah?
- I'm working.

Right. I am too.
I just--
[ Clears Throat ]

I just thought
I'd let you know.

I think that everybody
should know. You should
probably make that a memo.

- ASAP. Gotcha.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]

Hey, dude.
What's up, guys? What did
weirdo say about the elves?

Shot it down.
What? Really?
That was a good idea.

No, it wasn't.
I'm a piece of shit.
I suck.

Relax, Kane. You're not
a piece of shit.

Just run it by Alex.
Maybe he'll talk to J.P.

[ Chuckles ]

You'll have to wake him up
out of his sex coma first.

He gives me a reason
to live. Him and all
those stink-ass hos.

Dude, he's living a fantasy.
It's so awesome.

No! You guys,
it's not awesome, okay?

Our report is due tomorrow
and he hasn't even started it.

All right?
If he doesn't finish it,
were totally f'ed.

[ Ringing ]

That's Alex's intercom.

[ Ringing ]

[ High-pitched ] Hello?
[ Woman ] Delivery at
the front desk for you, Alex.

Cool! I hope it's
a naked dude with a boner.

Nothing. Send it back.
[ Laughing ]

Come on.
Let's find Alex's desk.
God bless us, every one.

May I help you ladies?
Are you looking for Alex?

I'm Alex's grandmother Lilly,
and these are his roommates.

This is Grace
and that's Bea.

[ Kisses, Blows ]

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you ladies.
Thank you.

We thought it would
be nice to bring him
a nice homemade lunch.

Oh, that's very sweet.
Well, I'm Samantha.

Come on.
I'll show you where he works.

[ Imitates Turret Motor,
Gun Firing ]

You're dying.
[ Makes Beeping Noise ]

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hi.

Is Alex around?
He has some visitors.

Uh, no. No, he's not.
Hi, ladies.

Did you go to high school
with Alex?
[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Softly ]
Thank you.

[ Chuckling ]
We're his roommates.

- [ Laughing Stops ]
- [ Mouths Words ]

You'resthe reason
Alex has been tired all week?

We have been
sort of rough on him,

but he is kind of soft,
if you know what I mean.

[ Chuckling ]
Well, we're not used to having
a man in the house,

so I guess we--
we ride him pretty hard.

- Oh! That is so gnarly.
- So where is he?

Uh, I haven't seen him.

He's definitely not
under his desk sleeping.
That's a fact.

- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Well, he's probably
working hard somewhere.

Could you please
just give him his lunch...

and tell him that
I've had such fun playing
with his new toy all morning.

- And when he comes home later,
he can play with me.
- Oh, my gosh!

- I'm gonna barf.
- [ Jeff ]
That is so repulsive.

All right! That's enough.
I'm-I'm here.

- Well, there you are.
- Hi, Grandma.

- We missed you.
- I was somewhere else,
working hard on something.

- Dude, what is going on?
- This is my grandmother.

These are her two roommates.

I've been living with them
for the last week.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, Grandma, ladies.

Good to know. Dude.
[ Whistles ]

Jerking off on my mom
is one thing,

but bangin' your grandmother
and her roommates?

That's like... legendary.
You're an idiot.

Hey, y-you know what, ladies?
Uh, why don't I--

Come on. I'll walk you out.
No, we're gonna go
this way, Bea.

[ Makes High-pitched Noise ]
Oh, my God.

Holy crap.
Dildo lunch?

Sometimes they're marked
like this first one,
which is by Llewellyn.

Sometimes they're not.
Sometimes they're just
great style, like this one, um--

Oh. Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, Grandma.

Hey, Bea.
You know, you guys should
probably go to bed early.

You have a busy day tomorrow.
What do you mean?

I don't have
any plans.

I just figured
you wanna be well-rested
if you're gonna go to...

Antiques Roadshow.
[ Gasps, Laughs ]

Oh! Alex,
you're an angel.

Oh, you can stay
as long as you like
and love any man you choose.

Pamela Mills here
in Van Nuys,

where a rare breed
of African lion was captured
in a residential neighborhood.

Sir, what was going
through your head
when you came upon the lion?

This shit is fuckin' crazy.

I don't even know how a lion
got into the neighborhood.

I heard some growlin' and shit
out in the yard.

So my roommate and I,
we go to check the shit out.

I look up in the tree,
and there's the fucking
king of the jungle!

You know, you ladies
should really get some sleep.
Ooh. Yes, that's right.

We need our beauty sleep
because we have to get
a lot of things appraised.

Come on, Bea. Come on.

It was starin' right at me.
I almost shit my fuckin' pants.

So I ran inside
and called the 5-0.

Good night, ladies.
[ Reporter Continues,
Indistinct ]

Time to get
some levels done.

** [ Rock ]

* Come and look me
in the eyes *

* And hit me again *

[ Beeping ]

* When I see you
havin' so much fun **

Okay. Okay, okay.
All right. Maybe we can
just divide up the levels...

and just do them
right now.

There's no time.
We're screwed.
[ Sighs ]

Are we gonna get fired?

I mean, you might.
We won't.

Boy, I hope I do.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm a worthless asshole
who deserves to die young.

Easy, Kane.
He'll be here, you guys.
Relax. Have faith.

Don't slit your wrists,
Kane. I'm here.

Gentlemen, Levels 10
through 15, all done.

Oh, my God.
I told you.

All right!
Who wants a piece
of the gray bush?

[ Clamoring ]

[ Exhales ]
Still think I should die.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hopefully, that'll keep away
the bad-energy troll.

Samantha, what's the latest?

Well, Mr. Cheezle,
not only have these guys
found all the bugs,

but we have
detailed instructions
on how to fix 'em.

- We're back on schedule.
- Phenomenal.

Great energy.

Great energy.

I had a dream last night.

I dreamt I was a dove
flying over the sea.

And then I dove
into the ocean--
[ Imitates Water Splashing ]

and I swam with the dolphins.

I was two animals
joined as one,

which meant
good things are coming.

Good things.

Samantha, why don't you take
the guys out for dinner tonight,
on Brainasium.

Uh, sure.

Yeah, Samantha.
Take us out.

- Yeah, let's fuckin' rage!
- Rage?

Uh, you know, Mr. Cheezle,
fly with the seabirds or
whatever you were talking about.

Oh, okay. Okay. Fair enough.
Yeah. Rage it up.
Rage all you want.

Good things are coming.
Good things.

- Hey, Samantha.
- Hey.

[ Sighs ]
Look, sorry I can't
make the dinner tonight.

I just got the new season
of Buffy on DVD,

and I'm gonna kick it in my crib
and watch the bonus features.

Wow. I, uh, didn't even know
that that came out.
It hasn't yet.

I know people.

Cool. Well, you...
have a long night ahead of you.

If you want me to come,
I totally will.
Don't worry about it.

Or if you wanna
call me afterwards,
you totally can, probably.

Uh, you know, actually,
I'm really tired,

so I'm probably not
gonna stay out so late.

But, uh, I will definitely
see you on Monday.

Listen, uh, I realize
that it must be really...

intimidating to talk to me,
you know.

But underneath this genius,

I'm simply a human, you know.

But I'm working on that.


I have to go.

[ Robot Voice ]
Drive safe.

** [ New Age ]

I have chosen our
very best table for your party.

Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
This is our harmony table.

Thank you.

Take a look, please,
at our very exclusive
vitamin water list.

Oh, I'll look at that, yeah.
Enjoy the harmony.

[ Kisses, Exhales ]
[ Sighs ]

This is where we get
to have our big dinner, huh?

Mr. Cheezle picked it.
There's a shocker.

This menu sucks.
The tofu cakes
look kinda good, maybe?

- Do they even have alcohol?
- Actually, we don't
serve alcohol.

Bummer, I know. But, uh--
[ Laughs ]

this must be your first time
here at Our Lady Health.

I'm Shylo.
I'll be your waiter all day.

I'm sorry. Did you say
your name was Shylo?

- Yeah, Shylo.
- That's weird.

- Jeff.
- What? It's weird.

He meant gay.
Stop it.

No alcohol?
This place sucks.

Hey, fella.
Give it a chance.

We do serve shots...
of wheatgrass.

That's cool, if you wanna
be sober and vomit.

[ Laughs ]
Uh, excuse me, sir. What do you
recommend for appetizers?

Ooh, you know what
everyone's buzzing about is
the bean sprout quesadilla. Mmm.

You know what?
There's a Tommy burger
right down the street.

Let's just do that,
you guys.
That sounds good.

Look, guys. Come on.
I know the food's
a little different here,

but it's actually good
and good for you.

We don't serve it
with any grease or fat.

If we pay extra,
could we maybe get
some grease or fat?

- [ Snickers ]
- Do you have bathrooms or do
I have to shit in the plant?

[ Laughing ]
[ Mocking Laughter ]

Stupid fucking idiot,
red-shirted ass.

You guys think
you're so fucking cool.
Makes me sick!

"Let's go make fun of the vegans
and their crazy lifestyle.
We're not hurting anyone."

Go eat a hamburger
and choke on a cow dick.

Aw. Someone missed
their yoga class this morning.
Come on. Let's go.

- Nice karma, "Guy-blow."
- You said it wrong, stupid.
It's Shylo.

[ Imitates Flute ]

- We're really sorry, sir.
- You were sweet.

[ Bea ]
Thank you, Lilly.

I still can't believe
they appraised that footstool
at $200, though.

I know. Who would have thought
that was early Victorian?

I wanted to
win some money.

I tried to tell you
that was an old piece
of dried dog poop,

but you didn't
wanna believe me.

Hey. This tea has
quite a kick. What is it?

I'm not sure. I found this
in one of Sophie's old tins,

and I just thought
it would be nice
to do it in-- in her memory.

Here's to you, Sophie.

[ All Slurping ]

[ Barry ]
Come on, Kane. Call it!
I'm winning! I'm winning!

I'm winning!
Please! Call it!
Merry Christmas.

I can't breathe!
It's not a joke!

There is absolutely no way
that you could ever beat me
at any video game.

Oh, really?

You know,
while other girls growing up
were playing with Barbies,

I was beatin' my brothers
at "Super Mario."

Ooh, "Super Mario."
Nice name-drop.

- How long have you been
a tester?
- Like 10 years?

I used to be
an accountant.

Then I woke up one day
and realized I was miserable.

So I walked
into my boss's office
and I said, "Dad, I quit."

"Dad." Nice name-drop.

At the end of the day,
you have to do what
you're passionate about.


Plus, you can't get stoned
and be an accountant.

Make too many mistakes,
you lose people millions
of dollars, you get fired.

[ Laughs ]
It's like--

Dude, can we go back
to your grandma's house?
I have to use the bathroom.

We are not goin'
to my grandma's house.
Go pee in the alley.

I have to pee out of my ass.
[ Samantha ]
Oh, man.

You know what? It's too late
to go to your grandma's house.
I should get going anyway.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not
that late. It's right around
the corner. We can totally go.

It's an emergency.
[ Groans ]

Now, remember.
They're probably sleeping,
so please be quiet.

- [ Man Speaking Spanish ]
- Think I hear voices.

Is that Spanish?
Número dos. Ándale.

- [ Man Continues In Spanish ]
- [ Women Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Hey, Grandma.

I don't understand wha--
[ Laughs ]

- what these people are saying.
- [ Mouths Words ]

[ Continues In Spanish ]

Chi-Chi Zapata.

Chi-Chi choochy loco-co.

I didn't know
you were bringin' people.

I would have...
trimmed my antlers.

Your grandma's hilarious.
Yeah, she's not
normally like this.

Is that beer?
Can I have one?

Here, you can have all of them.
Where's the bathroom?

It's upstairs,
to the left.

** [ Salsa ]
Oh, I love that music.

** [ Singing In Spanish ]

Come here, cutie.
Oh, hey.

[ Babbling ]
Ow. My face.

[ Both Laughing ]

Hey. Hey, Grandma?

Do you-- Do you think
maybe I could talk to you
in the kitchen for a second?

Oh, sure, honey.
I want a beer.

Come on. Why don't we have
that beer in the kitchen?

Okay, honey. Woo-hoo.

- Here's a pill.
- [ Screams, Laughs ]

Grandma, why aren't you
in bed?

[ Belches ]
Oop. Oh. Excuse me.

[ Can Crinkles ]

Well, w-we were getting--
[ Laughs ]

We were getting
ready for bed,

and-and then we had
a pot of Sophie's tea.

- What tea?
- Sophie's tea, from the tin
on her dresser.

Oh, we thought it would
be nice to-- to drink it
in memory of Sophie.

[ Whispering ]
I can hear my hair growing.

You want some soup?

I-I'm okay, Grandma.

My grandma drank
all my pot.
That is great.

I'm just saying it's cool.
I mean, how many people get
to say that in their lifetime?

Do you have any more pot?

I could definitely
smoke a joint right now.


Call that weirdo Dante.
Yeah, call him.

Hey, easy, pothead.
I'll get you your fix.

It's cool if I invited
some of my friends
from the Crazy Beaver, right?

Maybe next time you could go
a little less on the crazy
and a little more on the beaver.

There's no trouble, bro.
They're people,
just like you and me.

Now hit this joint
and have some fun.

This isn't the, uh,
"I think I'm a deer" shit,
is it?

No, you're smokin'
the Frankenstein.
[ Coughing ]

- Why is it Frankenstein?
- 'Cause after you smoke it,
you walk like this.

[ Laughing ]
Need food.

** [ Rock ]

Look, I'm the Cookie Monster.

* Just to see you *

* And I know you *

[ Lilly ]
What's up, homey?

Peanut butter.

* I gotta touch you *
I love Madame Kamay.

* Baby we'll be
at the drive-in *

* In the old man's Ford *

* Behind the bushes
till I'm beggin' for more *

Let's just say I learned a lot
about owning a lion.

He learned better
not own one.

Nice English words, Dr. Shakalu.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank "boo."

Hey, Dante.
Uh, my girlfriend and I caught
you on the news yesterday.


By "girlfriend," do you mean
that piece of rabbit fur you
rub on your dick every night?

[ Laughs ]
Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, man. Lookin' back,
maybe that lion was a bad idea.

That's why Dr. Shakalu's
hookin' me up with a monkey.

I'm gonna teach it
tae kwon do.

[ Shouts, Speaks French ]

Yeah, a... karate monkey.
You know, that's probably safer.

Yeah. It makes sense.

Who wants some cereal?

- [ Snickers ]
- Colonel Crackers is the best!

Oh, I just wish
he would hop off the box
and hang out with us.

I think he's so cute.

Guess I'm not high enough
to get that one.
[ Chuckles ]

Guess what else
you're not gonna get,
party pooper?

The colonel.
Here, honey.

Sucks to be you, nerd.

Hey, has anybody got a light?
I found some weed.

Oh, I do.
I wanna smoke it.

It'll be fun.
What is this?

Ew! It's J.P.'s
phone number.

Lucky you.
You guys heard him
talk like a robot?

[ Robot Voice ]
He's a fucking psycho.

Hey, we gotta prank call him.
Let's prank call him.

No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Stupid polygon.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ]
Debug! I tried that.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ]
Graphic meter!
No, that's not it.

Shit! This is not working.

[ Robot Voice ]
You'll never finish.
This game is falling apart.

[ Normal Voice ]
No, it's not. Shut up.

[ Robot Voice, Normal Voice ]
You're letting everyone down.
No, I'm not.

I'm gonna make this game,
and it's gonna be the best thing
that anyone has ever seen.

[ Robot Voice ]
Delusional thoughts
from Fantasy Island.

You'll never get metal legs.
Samantha is fucking Alex.

[ Normal Voice ]
No, she's not!

[ Grunts ]

[ Buzzes ]

** [ Rock ]


Oh, my God.
Hey. Look how young
and cute you are.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God.

Baby want some milk?

Baby loves milk.

Oh, my God.
[ Slurping ]

[ Slurping Continues,
Laughs ]

[ Laughs, Mutters ]

Yeah, suck those jugs, kid!

- [ All Laughing ]
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Muffled ]
They're so good.

Oh, kick to the head.

There we go. There we go.
What is that
little baby move?

You want an ice cream sandwich?
They're on whole wheat
with lettuce.

Oh, no. That's okay.
But you know what?

I think the bikers want some
in the dining room.
Oh, okay.

Distract me with my grandmother.
Watch this.
Yep. That's right.

"X," "Y," "X." Back-breaker!
Oh, you're dead!
I killed you!

So, I mean,
what's it like being old?
It's gotta be weird, right?

I mean, you saw
a lot of stuff go down:

World War I, World War II,
the automobile, Tupac-- I mean--

I once gave Charlie Chaplin
a hand job.

No way!
Was he silent?

[ Chuckles ]
Not after I was
done with him.

Oh, you're so cute.

You remind me of Charlie.

You little tramp, you.

- * Are you hoping for
a miracle *
- Cabo Wabo shots.

You're up first, Samantha.
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I don't think so.
Tequila really messes me up.

It's supposed to.
Come on.

Well, you know,
if you don't do it,
I'm gonna do it,

and that's one more thing
I beat you at.
Oh, you asshole!

All right. Pour me one.
You know what? Pour me two.

I feel like Tom Cruise
in Cocktail.
[ Laughs ]

Hey, you don't really
have to do two.
I was just kidding.

What's the matter,
nana's boy? Can't hang?

[ Laughs ]

Someone ass
getting laid tonight.

[ Farts ]

Doctor, we're not
in the rain forest, man.

[ Laughs ]

My beef--
[ Sniffs ]

Your beef wrong.

And here I am
with Abbott and Costello.

Wow. Which one
did you nail?

[ Chuckles ]
One? Try both.

[ Scoffs ]
You were a dirty old whore.

What do you mean, were?


* Sittin' sideways
boys in a daze *

* Sittin' sideways
boys in a daze *

* Sittin' sideways
boys in a daze *

* On a Sunday night
I might bang me some maze *

* Sittin' sideways
boys in a daze *

I wanna... sing?

What? You're too wasted
to sing.

Whatever. Like there's
such a thing as too wasted.

* Bow wow, baby *

* The candy paint drippin'
off of the old school Impala *
[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Record Scratches ]
** [ Stops ]

** [ Pop ]

[ Screams ]


* Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* Salt 'n' Pepa, Salt 'n' Pepa
Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* Salt, Salt, Salt
Salt 'n' Pepa's here *

* And we're in effect
Want you to push it, yeah *

* Coolin' all day
then at night
working up a sweat *

* Come on, y'all
Let's go show
those guys that we know *

* How to become number one
in a hot party show *

* Now push it *

* Push it good *

* P-Push it real good *

* Push it good *

* P-Push it real good **

I fucking love this girl!

[ Dante ]
Yo, Frankenstein!

[ Music, Chattering Fade ]

[ Birds Chirping ]


[ Whispering ]

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

Did I hallucinate
a party last night?

That is adora--
Look at the little cowboy hat.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, you must have been
off duty last night, Sheriff.

Great, old pictures,
'cause you know,
for a minute,

I thought it might be
something embarrassing.
[ Both Laughing ]

- What Halloween was that?
- No, that wasn't Halloween.

That was his first day
at high school.
Oh. Are those leopard spandex?

[ Chuckles ]
Look. You can see his pee-pee.

Okay, okay. The sheriff demands
that those pictures be burned.

Oh, look here.
Look at this report card.

Let's see.
All A's. Impressive.

I'm a genius.
What can I say?

Well, you were
up till high school.

Then all of a sudden,
he got unfocused.
I guess it was just puberty.

Yeah. It was
definitely puberty.

Oh, lookit here.

Here's Alex's grandfather
holding baby Alex.

It was 10 years last month.

I'm so sorry.

[ Cries ]
That's why I like Alex
to be in the house,

because it makes me
feel closer to him.

He loved you so much.

I loved him, and I love you,
and I love being your roomie.

You would have loved
my grandfather.

He was the coolest.
He would have had a beer or two
with us last night.

He would have had 20.

- No, he had a problem.
- He would have definitely
fit in with that crowd then.

We had such fun last night.
I've gotta get the name
of that tea.

Oh, my gosh.
It's already noon.

I should probably get going.
Alex, could you give me a ride?

- Oh, yeah. Totally.
- It was such a pleasure.

Thank you for showing me
all the photos.
Come anytime, sweetheart.

I've got four more boxes.


- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Oh.

See you later, Grandma.

[ Muttering ]

Barry, I think it's time for you
and the milk maid to go home.
[ Muffled ] Okay, Alex.

Yeah. West West, yo.

Grace, I have
a confession to make.

Uh, you... were my first.


Oh, that's sweet.

Let's see.
You were my, uh--

I don't know.
3,000 something.

Word up.
[ Sighs ]


[ Inhales ]

I should have
worn a condom.

[ Alex ]
Nice place.

I've never met anyone
with 300 roommates.

Yeah, it gets messy, but
I've got 50 housekeepers, so--

That helps.

This is my room.
Here we are.



So I will, uh...
see you on Monday.

See you on Monday.

Thanks for the ride.
You're welcome.

Ah, shit.
I forgot my parking ticket.

Hey, I forgot my--

Wow. I just came back
to get my parking ticket.

I know. Here.
What if I had been
the bellboy?

I was kinda hopin' you were.

I'll see you at work.
I'll be there.

I'll be the older gentleman.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ]
I am a genius.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ]
you will be mine, mine.

Must ingest more fuel.

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Normal Voice ]
When did I get a message?

[ Beeps ]
[ Female Voice ]
You have one new message.

[ Alex ]
Hey, J.P., you fuckin' freak.

We're partyin'.
Where are you at?

[ Chuckles ]
I'll chirp you later.
Here's Sam.

[ Samantha ]
What do I-- Hey, J.P.

We celebrated the game tonight,
so-- Jeff, stop it.

[ Jeff, Robot Voice ]
Give me the phone.
My name is J.P.

I am a robot. I like robots.
I have a robot vagina.
[ Line Disconnects ]

[ Robot Voice ]
I am not amused.

Yes, that's correct.
She gave Charlie Chaplin
a hand job.

Yeah. Next question.
Right here.

Do you think that she
invented the hand job?

Ooh. No, I don't.

But she did say she started
the finger in the ass
during a blow job.

Yeah. She was a pioneer.

Uh, the big news from the party,
ladies and gentlemen, Barry
sucked on his first booby.

For 13 hours.
[ Giggles ]
[ Applause ]

Okay. That's enough.
Thank you.

[ Applause Stops ]

Jeff, sounded like
quite a fun party Friday.
[ Snorts ]

- What do you mean?
- I got the hilarious message
that you and Alex left.

Almost as hilarious
as your... face.

Look, we were
just kidding, J.P.

[ Robot Voice ]
* Don't be mad at us **
[ All Laughing ]

[ Giggles ]
So where's Alex?

What, did he take the day off
and die of old age?

- No, he went to lunch
with Samantha.
- What?

[ Grunts, Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ All Laughing ]

So, who wants to hear about my
S.T.D. from the silent film era?

Yeah, hands up.
This chick's pussy smelled
like the Great Depression.

Do you want
any snacks, Alex?

Oh. No, thanks, Grandma.
I'm fine.

[ Typing ]
[ Electronic Whooshing ]

[ Groaning ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Lilly ]
Could you
get that please, dear?

Sure thing, Grandma.

Maybe it's a fireman
stripper, Alex.
I can only hope, Grace.

- The fuck are you doin' here?
- I need to speak
with you, Alex.

[ Sobbing ]

It's just that the phone message
really bummed me out.

I-- I can't help it
that I'm different.

I just--
I want you guys to like me,

and you look at me
like I'm a f-freak.

[ Whimpering, Sobbing ]

J.P., I gotta be honest.
The robot voice
does not help your cause.

[ Sniffles ]
I know.
I do it when I get nervous.

[ Groans ]
Look, nobody
hates you, okay?

I'm gonna talk to Jeff
and the other guys,

and we'll all go
hang out one night.

- And Samantha?
- And Samantha.

Really? That'll be awesome.
Thanks, Alex.

Hey, everyone at Brainasium
totally respects you.

I mean, you created
one of the greatest games ever
when you were just a kid.

You're a fuckin' legend, man.

I know.
I am pretty... amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm. What's that?

Oh, that's nothing.

It's-- Well--

It's this game
I've been designing
in my spare time...

for the last
couple of years.

Wow. This 3-D mapping
is so smooth.

Did you design it
by yourself?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- There's no clipping at all.

Who did the programming?
Uh, I did that too.

Hey, what can I say?
I'm a 35-year-old prodigy.

[ Chortling ]
Thirty-five-- prodi--

The collision detection's
excellent on this.

Hey, you know what?
I could, like,
take this home for you...

and-and maybe give you
some notes on it or something.

You know, that's something
a normal person... or a friend
would do, right?

Yeah. Yeah, actually.
That-That would be really cool.

The lighting effects
are really realistic.

Here. Just, uh--

Do me a favor, all right?
Don't-Don't be too critical.
I-I'm not a genius.

- I'm a genius.
- Yeah, I know you are.

And also, dude--
I haven't told any of the guys
at work about this.

It's kind of a secret, uh--

So just be careful
with that disk
and-and-and don't tell anyone.

Oh, yeah.
Careful's my middle name.
[ Chuckles ]

Actually, it's not.
It's Philip.

[ Sobs ]

- Doctor, hand me
a Baggie, please?
- Here go.

Thanks, pal.

This guy's not gonna
rip my heart out of my chest
and show it to me, is he?

No. This is Mr. Lee Ho.

He's teaching me and Monkey
tae kwon do.

I got my yellow belt today.
Monkey got his red belt.
He's a quick learner.

Monkey sucker... punch!

- That's how I got this fat lip.
- Where's the monkey now?

He's upstairs,
puttin' his nunchakus away.

Yo, that party
was off the hook, kid.

Your girl can drink
her fuckin' face off.

[ Screeching, Banging ]
Shut up, Monkey!
I got company, dude.

[ Screeching, Banging Continue ]

Doctor, can you tell Mr. Lee Ho
to go make the monkey be quiet?

Yes, sir.
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ Foreign Language ]

[ Screeching, Banging Continue ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Foreign Language ]

- Lee Ho's the real deal.
He's full-on Chinese.
- Yeah, I can see that.

[ Lee Ho Shouting,
Blows Landing ]

[ Thud, Glass Breaking ]
What the fuck?

Mr. Lee Ho?


[ Screeching ]
[ Crash ]

- Oh, shit!
- [ Dante ]
Monkey, please stop!

You have to cup your arm
at the bottom tightly and then
release slowly like this.

[ Farting Noise ]

Try it.

[ Soft Farting Noise ]
Dude, I-- I can't do it.

Just practice on the weekends
and stuff in your free time.
You'll get it.

Don't tell me
your grandma beats you.

That's... more believable
than what actually happened.

So, what's this
big meeting about?

[ Inhales ]
I think it's about farting.

[ Farting Noise ]

Gentlemen, Samantha,

last night I received
a rough copy of J.P.'s new game,

and let me just say that
it invaded my mind
with such force...

I thought I was going to explode
into the atmosphere.

It really is amazing.

[ Cheezle ]
Yes. If you turn your attention
to the monitor,

I'll give you a glimpse
of the future.

Prepare your minds for...

- What?
- [ Electronic Whooshing ]

This is my game.
Shh. I wanna watch.

Uh-- Hey, no.
No. Stop, please.

- This-- This is my game.
- [ Electronic Whooshing ]

- What are you saying, Alex?
- I've been developing this game
for over three years.

What are you talkin' about?
I've been workin'
on this game all year.

You know that, Mr. Cheezle.

Okay, that's bullshit.

RoboBitch came over
to my house last night.
I showed him this game.

He said he was gonna give me
some notes on it,
not fuckin' steal it.

- Do you have another copy
of the game?
- No.

Oh, well. That's convenient.
[ Snorts ]

Why didn't you tell me
you were designing a game?

[ Exhales ]
I don't know.
I-I was self-conscious about it.

Oh, how cute. He's just trying
to get into your pants.

Dude, I will come over there
and kick your robot head right
off of that skinny fuckin' body.

Wait, Alex. You're really
clouding the energy
in this room right now.

Is there any way that you can
prove that this is your game?

Challenge him, dude.

What's that gonna prove, Jeff?
He probably stole
the game from me,

copied it and learned
all the moves in one night.

- Mr. Cheezle, this is sad.
- Okay. That's it!

[ Cheezle ]

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]
[ Cheezle ]
Wow, Alex.

Dude, you gotta cool down.
And you come back tomorrow
and apologize to J.P. I'm sorry.

Apologize? I been bustin'
my ass on this game!

Okay. Now your energy
is really scarin' me.

You know what?
Fuck energy. Fuck J.P.

Fuck Brainasium.
Fuck all of you. I quit.

- Wait! Alex--
- Let him go. Let him go.

[ Door Opens ]
Let him find his center
and realign his chi.

** [ Bongo Drums ]
That's right, Monkey.
Play my head.

** [ Stops ]
I want you to take
the Frankenstein shit,

the deer shit,
the green monster,
the bling and the bling-bling,

and I want you to roll it all
into one joint.

No one's ever been
brave enough to try that.

One man is. Roll it.

I'll smoke it with you, bro.
We'll go to the loony bin
together. I don't give a fuck.

[ Brakes Screech,
Engine Revs, Shuts Off ]

Hey, Lilly. Is Alex here?
Hi, Samantha.

No, honey.
He should be at work.

But-- Why?
Is there something wrong?

No. He's not hurt or anything.
There was an argument at work
over this video game, and--

- Alex's game, "Demonik"?
- Yeah. Do you know it?

Of course. I love it.

I'm almost at
the final checking point,

except I have to deal
with those zombies.

They keep biting my neck.
[ Chuckles ]

- Hey, Lilly.
Could you do me a favor?
- Sure.

[ Cackles ]

I'm videotapin' this
for scientific research.

This shit will be
on the Discovery Channel.

[ Coughing ]

Don't judge me, Monkey.

I just don't understand it.
Why would anybody do that,
try to steal that from him?

[ Samantha ]
I don't know, Lilly,
but he's not gonna--

Keep tryin', guys.
Backstreet for life. Oh, hey.

Hey, Jeff.
Can you find Alex?

I'm gonna take his grandmother
to Cheezle's office
and get this mess figured out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not a problem. Totally.
Thank you.

Hello, Jeffrey.
What's up, silver fox?

Why are you so sweaty?

Oh, I started a fight club.

Yeah. So, where's Alex?

We don't know.
Nobody can find him.

I know where he is.
Come on, babe.

You got skills.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]
Wh-- What is that ringing?

Do I have a tumor?
[ Rings ]

Oh. Hello?
[ Phone Beeps ]

- Hey, Dante. Is Alex there?
- Hold on.

Phone's for you.
I think it's the devil.

- Hello?
- Hey, Alex.
You gotta come back to work.

[ Inhaling ]
I quit there
fuckin' months ago, man.

How baked are you right now?
Who is this?

[ Laughing ]
Is this Marv Albert?

[ Mouths Words ]
God, you're torched.

Um-- Okay, look.
There's an emergency.

J.P. revealed himself
to be an actual robot,

and he kidnapped your grandma,
and he's gonna eat her soul
out of her head.

My grandmother's in trouble?
I'll be right there.
[ Beeps ]

[ Moaning ]
He's on his way.

How much time to we have?
Enough time to 69.

Oh. Just like Don Knotts.
Oh. Hello, Mayberry.

You gotta give me a ride.

I'm way too baked to drive
to the devil's house.

[ Laughing ]

Drive, Monkey! Drive!
[ Car Horn Honking ]

[ Chittering ]

I love what you did
with the bit-mapping.

Very stylish, very aggressive,
very, very Miyamoto.

Right. That's what
I was going for.
[ Door Opens ]

- Um, excuse me, Mr. Cheezle?
- Yes, Samantha?

- I have proof
that J.P. stole Alex's game.
- What proof?

I can't believe
this stupidity!

You actually want me to play
a 90-year-old woman?

- [ Chittering ]
- [ Alex ]

What are you doin' here?
I'm tryin' to show these people
that you are not a liar.

Okay, let's go.
Let's start the game.

[ Cheezle ]
All your attention
on the monitors, everybody.

Here I come to get ya.

- Get him. Get him.
- There he is. Okay. Okay.

Come on!

- Yes!
- How about that?

Fireball! Fireball!

Take this Level 2 lightning.

That's not good.
Don't worry. You're fine.

Take a little bit
of the plague.

[ Alex ]
Come on, Grandma. Get up.

Come on. Get up. Get up.
Recover. Recover.

Hey, it's 4:00.
Murder, She Wrote is on.
[ Chuckles ]

Get him, Lilly. Get him--

Don't forget I'm a prodigy.

[ Roaring ]

And don't forget
it's my grandson's game.

I will taste your flesh!

[ Cheering, Applause ]

[ Imitates Hydraulics ]

[ Indistinct ]
[ Alex ]
Yeah, Grandma!

- You guys, stop.
- That's right, Grandma.

I am so sorry
I didn't believe you, Alex.

You know, I had a dream
last night. I was a snake
slithering through the grass,

until I came upon
a dead elk.

And I climbed... into his soul.
And it's there I stayed
until morning.

Which meant that I will...
underestimate someone
very close to me.

Wow. Where do you get
your weed?

- From you, Dante.
- Oh, yeah!

What's up, Mr. Cheezle?

Okay, J.P. Let's go.

We'll have your mom
come and pick you up.

[ Imitating Hydraulics ]

[ Robot Voice ]
Take care, J.P.

[ Robot Voice ]
Please sit on my face.

That was not appropriate.

* You're the stuff
You're the mind *

* Just get on down
Stop the time *

* This Saturday night
Appetite *

* This is what you can be *

* Somethin' like dynamite **
To the release...
of "Demonik."

Hear, hear.

- Yeah.
- Kanpai.

- Woo!
- Hey-Hey, Dante.

We're all toasting.
Hold up, yo.

- I been savin' this weed
for a special occasion.
- What kind is this?

This one's called
the brown bomber,

'cause when you smoke it,
you get so stoned
you shit your pants!

- [ Laughs ]
- Oh.

- I'm not--
I don't wanna do that.
- [ Barry ] Uh, yeah.

I already shit my pants
this month, so I'm good.

[ Loud Thud ]

Uh, what the fuck
was that?

That's a present
Dr. Shakalu and I got for Alex.

[ Clicking Tongue,
Laughs ]

[ Loud Thud ]

Dude, a bag of weed
would have been fine.

[ Elephant Trumpets ]
[ Thud ]

[ Dante ] Yeah, Monkey!
Karate chop the elephant!
[ Screeches ]

** [ Hip-hop ]

* Grandma's Boy *

* Cool kid *

* Courage, courage *

* See Alex is a grown man
He live with
his grandma Lilly *

* He's lookin' for a small space
to light up his bong *

* At Nana's house
Jeff with the old lady *

* Kissin' 'em in the mouth *

* A sucker for love
Look at him gettin' his rub *

* Is he a virgin
In fact headed for the tub *

* With a pj suit
On a pj cruise *

* A little kid with his own room
Watchin' the news *

* Stuck in a grown body
Playin' with a hottie *

* Jeff and Grace kissin'
Stoned in the kitchen *

* With Bea in the house
Takin' pills *

* Y'all see in the house
The pot smoker *

* Alex in the bathroom
The shirt with Dr. Doom *

* Jerkin' it off
and workin' it off *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Tell your friends and
they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee *
* She'll bring your lunch
in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Every night
makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee *
* You better not let 'em
find your weed *

* Barry's in the groove
Still tastin' on the boobs *

* He's stuck on a chest
Sometimes he won't move *

* The coworker
chewin' the breasts
like a hamburger *

* Josh the peepin' Tom looker *

* With big hookers
in the backseat
Pimpin' the taxi *

* Mr. Cheezle
Lookin' for good things
like a weasel *

* A diamond bezel
You know the level *

* Kickin' it all
Bass and treble *

* Nana's got Alex's chronic
in the teakettle *

* The weed got 'em settled
Everybody pushin' the pedal *

* They invited the guests
They invited the best *

* A house party
playin' the video game
Grandma put 'em to shame *

* J.P. got rowdy
The next mornin'
they was outie *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Tell your friends and
they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee *
* She'll bring your lunch
in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Every night
makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee *
* You better not let 'em
find your weed *

* Na na na
Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na
Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Chillin' at the party
Girl, I'm on top of you *

* The monkey drivin' me
to see Dr. Shakalu *

* We gettin' late tonight
Grandma lightin' the tea *

* Eternal def
And something's wrong
with J.P. *

* Raisin' the philly with Lilly
I'm the big woolly *

* Samantha dancin'
By the wall romancin' *

* Drinkin' the cup loud
Wakin' everybody up *

* Takin' her clothes off
like a stripper
I'm ready to tip her *

* Dante stoned out
with his hands
in the lion's mouth *

* On the mattress with
Lilly's colonial crackers *

* Watchin' the Green Bay Packers
A cast of part actors *

* With high tokes
of the Frankenstein
with pot factors *

* Direct from the robot years
You better have robot ears *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Tell your friends and
they'll say you're a jerk *

* Grandma's boyee *
* She'll bring your lunch
in your bag at work *

* Grandma's boyee *
* Every night
makin' cups of tea *

* Grandma's boyee *
* You better not let 'em
find your weed *

* Na na na
Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na
Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Na na na
Na na na *

* Na na na na na *

* Yeah *

* Gran
Granny Gran *

* Granmizzle *

* Granmizzle-a-la *

* Granmiz-a-ka *

* Granmoka, Granmika,
Grandma *

* Granmizzizles
Granmizzle *

* Granmikle
Granmaka *

* Granmatos *

* Different ways to say
Grandma **
** [ Ends ]

** [ Rock ]

* Forget your eyes
Do you see what I see *

* Why don't you move your walk
right by me *

* Just another day
in the neighborhood *

* I can do no harm
I can do no good *

* Just another day
Just another day *

* Just another day
Just another day *

* We want a day to go where *

* I don't feel like
getting higher *

* We want a day to go where *

* I don't feel like
harmin' myself *

* We want a day to go where *

* You and me
are free again *

* We want a day
We want a day *

* We want a day *

** [ Ends ]