Grandma (2015) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN: You know I love you,
but I can't do this anymore.

You're never there for me.
You're a terrible girlfriend. But...

...you're a wonderful poet.

I'm not a wonderful poet,
I'm an academic.

An unemployed one.

You should send your new poems
to your editor.

She's got dementia.
She might actually like them.

Are you breaking up with me
or giving me a pep talk here?

- Stick with the narrative.
- Please, Elle--

- We always knew it was gonna happen.
- What?



Well, I mean, you're your age,
and I'm rapidly approaching 50.

Heh.

I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen?

You don't need a crystal ball here
or anything.

Do you love me?

Were you ever in love with me?

Because you never said it.

I'm gonna vacuum.

- I thought love conquered everything?
- No. Love does not conquer everything.

Four months, Olivia.

Four fucking months
we've been together.

Try 38 years.

Try being with someone for 38 years.

You're a footnote.



A "footnote"?

- That's a really horrible thing to say.
- Yes, well, I'm a horrible person.

Look, I'm gonna take a shower
before I vacuum.

You can let yourself out.

Okay. Okay, that's it.

- Yup. That's it.
- Goodbye.

Leave your key on the coffee table.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

[♪♪♪]

[CRYING]

[GROWLS]

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh.

Oh, my God.

[DOG BARKING]

- Hey, Sage.
- Hi, Grandma.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd drop by. Heh.

Why are you dressed like that?

I've been sitting around
all morning being maudlin.

Come on in. You want some tea?

Um....

- I need some help, Grandma.
- Okay.

So, what's going on?
I'm not a mind-reader.

I need $600, 630.

For what?

Um.... I'm pregnant.

Okay.

I don't want to have a baby.
I want to get an abortion. And I'm broke.

And I only have $18.

Is that terrible?

Well, it's nothing to dance a jig about.

- Does your mother know?
- Mom? No. Ugh.

I mean, she would have a stroke,
and then she'd start strangling me...

- ...and then she'll get a stroke.
- Well, she'd strangle you, all right.

[TEA KETTLE WHISTLING]

SAGE:
I'm such an idiot.

Such an idiot. I'm such an idiot.

Yeah, well, so was I
when I was your age.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you already said
what you're gonna do, right?

I mean, you've put some thought into it.
Haven't you?

Because this is something
that you will probably think about...

...at some moment, every day
for the rest of your life.

So do you have it?
Do you have the money?

Sweetheart, at the moment, I have $43.

- Forty-three dollars. Are you joking?
- Cookies.

- How do you have so little money?
- Because I got sick of being in debt.

So I paid it off.
Every cent I owed.

I wanted the weight off my back.

My God, I still had hospital bills from Vi.

Twenty-seven thousand dollars' worth.

Why didn't you just ask Mom to help?

Why don't you?

- Remember these?
- Yeah.

I don't need help.
I have swept the decks clean.

At the end of next week...

...I have a check coming
from some guest lectures...

- ...I did in Santa Cruz.
- Do you have a credit card?

You know,
I cut my credit cards up into little pieces.

I made a wind chime out of them.

- Why would you do that?
- I'm transmogrifying my life into art.

Oh, my G-- You know, what kind of adult
doesn't have a credit card?

This adult. Credit cards infantilize you.
They turn you into a pod person.

- You must have a credit card.
- No, I don't.

Mom confiscated it
after I crashed the car in the garage. Shit!

Wait. Hold on. Hold on!

- What?
- We're gonna deal with this.

First, tell me where you got this
$630 figure.

I went to a clinic called Pine Rapids.

I have an appointment
for the procedure.

- When?
- 5:45.

5:45 today?

Are you fucking out of your mind?
It's already 9:05.

Yes, and they don't have
another appointment open this week.

And I just feel sicker and sicker
and I can't wait. And I feel sick.

I know a women's health clinic
where they help you for free.

Vi used to volunteer there. Come on.

Yeah. Here, grab the cookies.

[♪♪♪]

- You still have Vi's car?
- Course I have Vi's car.

Let's go.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Come on, baby.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Damn it to hell.

Oh, God, I didn't wake you up again,
did I?

- No.
ELLE: Oh, good. So glad.

- She's already pregnant.
- Grandma!

I'm just saying.
I see the hormones popping.

No ideas. We're good.
Here, give it a try.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

Ah! It's working.

[RAP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER CAR STEREO]

MAN: Ooh. Nice tunes.
ELLE: Listen, thanks.

Anytime. Take it to the shop
and get it checked out.

- It runs good.
- Hey, congratulations.

♪ Dropped Jesus
And rolled with the evil ♪

♪ You will see there's no difference
In the theme, though ♪

♪ Rain quarter
Make my petrified stream flow ♪

♪ Hella holy is my
Psychotropic dream boat ♪

♪ Petty head
And never reached above D-low ♪♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Where the hell is it?
- I don't know.

- When was the last time you were here?
- I don't know. Maybe 10 years.

Now it's a damn coffee place.

I could use some coffee.

Oh, Jesus, fuck.
I mean, this is-- This is the worst.

Women's Health Action Center.

- It closed five years ago.
- How could they close this place down?

Where can you get a reasonably priced
abortion these days?

Because these days
all you can get is this shitty coffee.

How far along are you?
When was your period?

- Ten weeks ago.
- Mine was 25 years ago.

We had a ceremony for it, Vi and I did.

I mean, $600 for an abortion!
What the hell? That is highway robbery.

[WHISPERS]
Quiet.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

- Excuse me?
- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

When?
When are you gonna have to ask us?

- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.
- Oh, you are asking us?

- Yes, you're disturbing the customers.
- I'm a customer.

- Do you know what a customer is?
- I know what a customer is.

A customer is someone
who pays for your services.

So I am a customer.

I mean, what other customers
are we disturbing?

- Oh, them? Ozzie and Harriet?
MANAGER: Yes. You're disturbing them.

- No, we're disturbing you. Isn't that right?
- Yes, you are also disturbing me.

Because, what,
I'm talking about abortions?

Do you know this used to be
an abortion clinic?

Take your coffee
and enjoy it somewhere else.

Where you're standing right now...

...there were thousands
of unintended pregnancies terminated.

- Please leave. Leave now.
- No, no.

I'm staying here to enjoy
this $3 drip coffee.

And I've got some additional information:
all coffee drips.

You don't have to say "drip" coffee.
That is a redundancy. Oh, look, it drips.

Oh, my God, it drips so well!

This is the best drip coffee
I think I have ever dripped anywhere.

It's just absolutely fascinating.
Look at this. Hey, hey.

Hey, sis, drop Ozzie sometime
and give me a call.

- Look at this, isn't this good?
- [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Uh, okay....

- Look, I'm writing your name here.
- I'm so sorry. Let's go.

"Fuck head." What do you mean
you're sorry, goddamn it?

- He's the one that should be sorry.
- Sorry.

- French press coffee.
- What?

- French press coffee doesn't drip.
- Well, I guess not. Touché.

- So who's the guy?
- What?

I assume there was a penis involved.

- Who is he? A one-night stand?
- No. Ew. No.

He's kind of my boyfriend.
Look, I don't know.

You don't know?
If you don't know, who does know?

He was supposed to get me the money
by this morning.

All right.

- And?
- And he didn't get it...

...and he didn't get back to me.
I texted him like a hundred times.

All right, well. This is his problem too.

You understand that, right? Do you?
Do you understand that?

Yeah, I do, but....

- He's not the one who's pregnant.
- That's the fucking problem, isn't it?

He's isn't the one who's pregnant.
He'd be shitting his pants if he were.

He'd find the money
if he thought he was gonna swell up...

- ...like he swallowed a watermelon.
- Yeah.

- So let's go see him.
- Wait. Who? No. Cam?

- That's not a good idea.
- Cam? That's his name?

- Cam? Oh, Cam, Cam.
- Stop. Please.

My heart throb man. Cam, Cam.
Thank you, ma'am.

- Hey, wait up, kid. I've got the keys.
- Stop it.

- You're getting on my nerves now.
- Don't make me fall.

- Oh, please.
- I could break a hip.

[♪♪♪]

Yo, what are you doing here?

SAGE:
Are your parents home?

No.

Can I come in?

Uh.... Yeah. Whatever.

CAM:
Oh, shit.

SAGE: Um, you were supposed to
bring me the money.

Yeah. I couldn't get it.

That fucking asshole wouldn't front me.
I thought he would. It's bullshit.

But you're gonna have to get
the money, Cam.

- Look, who is this?
- It's my grandma.

Half. Give us half the money.

Yo, Grandma, what you doing here?

You're gonna
have to take responsibility.

- How do I know it was me?
- What?

- You heard me.
SAGE: I didn't sleep with anyone else.

You slept with Mike.

Yeah, like a year ago.
And we used a condom.

Yeah, why didn't you use a condom?
Or, for humanity's sake, get a vasectomy?

- What? What did she just say?
- She didn't say anything, okay?

Look, she said it wasn't her time.
Yeah.

Her time? What are you, a moron?
What, are you both morons?

Don't they teach kids sex ed anymore?

- Grandma, you better watch yourself.
- Look at this sorry-ass loser.

Some people should not grow beards.
Your face looks like an armpit.

Grandma, I'm serious.
Don't fuck with me.

- All right, don't fuck with me.
- I'm serious. Give us the money.

I don't have any money, bitch.
I told you that.

- Give us the goddamn money!
- Get out of my home!

Get out of my home,
you crazy old fucking bitch.

Get out, or I'll fuck you up.
I will fuck you up.

- You'll fuck me up?
- I will fuck you up!

- Oh, my-- Stop! Hey, hey, stop!
- Oh, you hit me! You hit me!

ELLE:
And I'll hit you again.

- How much money do you have, huh?
- Okay, okay. I have like $50.

- Where is it?
- It's in my sock drawer.

Thank you.

You know, I liked your boyfriend.
He's special. Really charismatic.

I can see exactly
why you're so attracted to him.

Look, this was in his sock drawer too.
Heh, heh.

Mm. Smells so good. Look, red hairs.

See them?

Wait, Sage.

Sage, what are you doing?
Where are you going, sweetheart?

SAGE:
Mom's right, you're crazy!

Because I rapped that little shit
across the knuckles?

- Everyone will talk about it at school!
- What's he gonna say?

- "Sage's grandma beat me up"?
- Yeah.

- You could have killed him.
- No.

[SAGE GAGGING]

Just get off me!

- Okay?
- No, I'm not okay! I'm pregnant!

I'm fucking pregnant, okay?

You know,
you have a real anger problem.

No. No, I don't.
I have an asshole problem.

When people are assholes, I get angry.

Especially when they've been
an asshole to my granddaughter.

Come on, I've got a friend,
she owes me 400 bucks.

Maybe she has it.

Or you can always call your mom
and ask her for the money.

No.

[♪♪♪]

ELLE:
So your mom thinks I'm crazy?

You know she thinks you're crazy.
She thinks I'm crazy too.

You're not crazy enough.

- What do you mean?
- Just an impression.

You need to be able to say
"screw you" sometimes.

I say "screw you."

You didn't say screw you
to that little creep back there.

No, I guess I didn't.

Mom says you have problems
dealing with people sometimes.

- Jesus.
- Ever since Grandma Violet died.

- She says that you're philanthropic.
- Philanthropic? What?

- No, no, wait, misanthropic.
- Oh. Misanthropic.

- Yeah.
- Well....

That's an understatement. Heh.

Honey, watch yourself.

- Hey, there. Is Deathy around?
- Hey, Deathy!

DEATHY:
Hold on.

Hey.

- Elle.
- Oh, Deathy.

- It's Elle!
- You look good.

- Look at you.
- No, no, look at you.

DEATHY: And who's this?
- My granddaughter, Sage.

- Hi.
DEATHY: No....

I haven't seen you since
you were a baby.

- Really?
- I used to change your diaper.

- Heh. Now I feel old.
- Yeah, well, that's the way it goes.

Hey, Deathy, uh,
remember that 400 bucks?

- Oh, God, Elle. Really?
- I could use it, because she's pregnant.

- Ah. She needs a "Bortion," huh?
- Yeah. She needs a "Bortion."

DEATHY: Oh, God, you remember that?
- Stop.

We used to have this shtick
where this girl needed a "Bortion."

She didn't know it was called
"an abortion."

- She thought it was called a "Bortion."
- A shtick? That's horrible.

- Yeah, it is, kind of.
- Eh. Maybe.

So, what do you say about the money,
honey? If you have it.

Christ, I wish I did.

Your grandma, she really helped me out
a long time ago.

I had these two defective boobs
that were just leaking...

...leaking silicone all the way
down to my knees. It was awful.

- It was not pretty.
- And Elle here, she really came through.

And now you need me, and I'm broke.
I'm fucking broke again.

Well, you look great.

Hey, you want a tattoo?
Now, that I can do.

- You want a tattoo, darling?
SAGE: Oh, no.

- No, thank you. We should probably get--
- How long would it take? A little one?

Oh, not long, honey, 15 minutes tops.

- You know I'm a quick draw.
- What?

I need to collect my thoughts, I'll tell you.
We need to re-strategize.

Don't you have any rich friends?
What about Deanne and Margot?

ELLE: I kind of gave them hell
last time I saw them.

Because they just disappeared
when Vi got sick. Like everyone else.

- What about all your academic pals?
- Oh, they're so broke and stingy.

Plus they're up in Santa Cruz.
We need the money today.

- What's the O for?
- It's not an O. It's a circle.

- It was the quickest one.
- Yeah, but it looks like an O.

- I thought it was for "orgasm."
- Well, sure. It's for that.

It's not for "Olivia"?

Isn't that the name of your girlfriend?
Olivia?

Can't you just ask her for money?

- I don't have a girlfriend.
- Mom said that you did.

And her name was Olivia.

I knew I shouldn't tell
your mother anything.

- Why not?
- Oh, my God, she's so judgmental.

- Judge Judy.
- Yeah. Judge Judy.

- Don't you have a Violet tattoo?
- Yes. That I do.

- Do you miss her? Violet?
- Mm.

I miss her all the time.

That was a quite a love story,
you and Vi.

Course, she put up with a lot.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing, darling.
You know you're not the easiest toke.

But that's why we love you.

Everyone thought Vi was such an angel.
She was the one with the temper.

I remember.

- So, what's the O stand for?
- Well, O is a big letter for women.

- Ovaries. Origami. Openness. Orifice.
- Cheerios. Hello.

- Old. Oven. Odd. Ossuary. Out.
- Olivia.

As it happens, yes.

And...

...all done.

Great circle.

What do you think first editions
are worth?

- Of what? Your stuff?
- Not my stuff.

- That's not worth anything.
- But you're famous.

No. No, I was marginally well-known
40 years ago.

But I have some really valuable
first editions.

- Carla wanted them.
- Who's Carla?

Owns the Bonobo cafe.
I'm gonna sell my first editions.

They're probably worth a few thousand,
I'm gonna give her a break.

See, I told you, Sage,
that this would clear my head.

Okay, $65.
I'm borrowing from the kitty, for the kitty.

- Every little bit adds up, right?
- It does. It really does.

Don't be a stranger, okay?

See there?

[♪♪♪]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have two new messages.

First message sent today at 1 1:03.

[DIAL TONE]

Second message sent today at 1 1:04.

[DIAL TONE]

You have no more new messages.

[SAGE COUGHING]

- Sage, baby, you okay?
- No. I'm not okay.

- You want some ginger ale?
- I hate ginger ale.

Oh, you love ginger ale. We used to have
those little tea parties, remember?

You didn't like tea,
so we'd put ginger ale in the teapot.

- It's already 12:30. Come on.
- It's gonna be all right.

- How is it gonna be all right?
- We're gonna sell...

...some damn first editions, that's how.
Come on, check them out.

You'll see. That fucking Carla
is gonna go ape-shit over these.

One night at dinner here,
she tried to buy them from me on the spot.

- What is this?
- What is The Feminine Mystique?

You're asking me
what is The Feminine Mystique?

Mystique's a character in X-Men.

What?

Um.... Do you want me to Google
how much this is worth on eBay?

Good idea. Google it. The eBay.
Whatever it is.

The Feminine Mystique,
by Betty Friedan.

You know in The Wizard of Oz,
when the curtain gets pulled back...

...and everyone sees
that the Wizard is a fake?

Because Toto the dog
pulled back the curtain.

Well, Betty was like Toto.

- Not the perfect metaphor.
- 53.90.

Five thousand three hundred
and ninety dollars?

No, 53 dollars and 90 cents.

- Look, there's one on sale here on eBay.
- That is damn bullshit!

No. Look. "First edition, good condition,
53 dollars and 90 cents."

No, let me see.

- Christ, how can you read that?
- What is this, a wine stain?

Probably.
Hell, I'm gonna take a bunch of these.

Look at this, "Simone de Beauvoir,
The Prime of Life." Her autobiography.

Dare I ask if you know
who Simone de Beauvoir is?

- No. I have no idea. Guess I'm an idiot.
- Guess you are.

- Screw you.
- What?

Screw you. Screw you, Grandma.

Not bad.

You don't even know who Mystique is.

[CHUCKLES]

You're right.

- What's a Bonobo?
- A very advanced ape.

The females run the show,
they masturbate all the time...

...and they don't have wars,
unlike chimps and humans.

So you think women
are better than men?

- Men are okay. My father was a man.
- Mine was a sperm.

Donor. Your mom was busy.
Don't blame her for that.

It was a valid decision.

At least the sperm didn't black your eye
because you talked back.

I wish she could have gotten
the sperm's name.

The only thing I know
is that he must have had curly hair.

Hey, Carla.

- Hey, stranger.
ELLE: I brought the books.

- What books?
- The books you wanted to buy from me.

- Okay--
- I got, look. Feminine Mystique.

First edition, signed.

That wine stain?
Left by Betty Friedan herself.

- Mm-hm.
- This is Simone de Beauvoir.

Germaine Greer,
Female Eunuch.

And I'm gonna let you have this
Eileen Myles...

- ...which is absolutely life-changing.
- Mm. Yum.

Yeah. My granddaughter Googled them,
they're worth a lot of money...

...thousands of dollars.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hm. Yeah.

But I'm gonna let you have them
for 515 bucks...

...but it has to be right now, cash.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be
working today.

Well, Laurel was sick
so Carla asked me to cover.

- What are you doing here?
- I came to sell some stuff.

Books. You know,
Carla's been wanting them.

Why are you selling those books?

- I need some cash.
OLIVIA: You cut up your credit cards.

- Why would you do that?
- Is that my quesadilla?

Yes. Sorry. Here you go.

- So you want to buy them or not?
- I don't know. I'm thinking.

- Do you have Tabasco?
- No, I have Tapatio.

- Fine. Anything is fine.
- You said you wanted to buy them.

- I'm thinking.
OLIVIA: Hey, um....

- Is this your granddaughter?
- Yeah, sure.

Sage, this is Olivia.

- Oh, hi.
- I've seen pictures of you.

- Really?
OLIVIA: Yeah.

Kind of a surprise meeting you here,
today, like this...

...but, okay. Yeah.

Fuck.

ELLE:
Carla?

- So, what do you say?
- Well.... Hm.

I'll give you...

...$60 for them.

- For all of them? Sixty?
- Mm-hm.

- Do you need money?
- I don't need money from you. Thanks.

- Because if you do--
- Are you fucking kidding me, Olivia?

- Those are worth more than $60.
- Oh.

- I can do my own haggling.
- Really?

- Are you sure?
- Stop trying to be so nice.

Stop trying to be so mean.
Stop being such a mean asshole!

Me? Mean? I'm not mean.
At least I'm not a hypocrite.

- Now I'm a hypocrite.
- Yes, indeed.

Did you call me earlier?
Did you call me and hang up twice?

Yes.

- And you know why?
- I don't know.

- I don't know why.
- Because you just want power.

You wanna exert your dominance
over me.

You want to be the alpha Bonobo.

- No.
- Okay, just take it outside.

Could I get that hot sauce, please?

And why don't you pay a decent wage,
you cheap asshole.

- What did you call me?
- You heard what I said.

You are not a feminist.

It should be illegal,
what you pay these kids.

- I'm not a kid.
- It probably is illegal.

You know, you're not a Bonobo, Carla.
You're a gorilla.

You are a silverback male gorilla.

- Okay, you know what, Grandma--
- Don't you fucking call me Grandma!

- What am I supposed to call you?
- What's wrong with you?

Take your head out of your ass.

For God's sake,
go back and get your doctorate.

Stop working in this dump.

Fuck it. Okay, shit. Fuck.

- That's it. Here.
- Okay.

You take your stained books
and get out of my café.

- I don't want them.
- Fuck you! I don't want you to have them.

Take your 60 bucks,
shove it up your ass!

Could I just have the hot sauce?

Give me that sack.
Give me that goddamned sack!

Why are you acting like the last
four months didn't mean anything?

ELLE: Because they didn't.
- I hate you!

- Oh, that's great!
- I wish I'd never met you!

- You never did!
- Oh, why?

You never let me see the real you.
Is that why?

- That is exactly right.
- Bullshit!

I saw the real you.
I saw it, you selfish asshole!

- And I still stuck around!
- And your medal's in the mail.

- Well, I'm returning it!
- You neophyte! You ingénue!

Solipsist! Writer-in-residence!

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Okay. Nice to meet you. Bye.

Goddamn it!

- You sure you're okay to drive?
- Oh, I'm fine.

And, baby, you can call me Grandma.
That was just me flipping out.

I know.

Why'd she call you
"writer-in-residence"?

She's calling me a sellout because
that's how I used to make a living.

You go someplace,
a private college, usually...

...because that's where they have
the money.

You do a few readings,
teach a few seminars...

...then you leave,
because you don't have tenure.

But how is that selling out?

Oh, because I wasn't suffering for my art.
But I had a kid.

I used to take your mom along with me
when she was little.

A lot of time in cars we spent,
your mother and I.

Well, at least I'm learning
some new insults.

My friends just pretty much call
each other "bitch", "ho" and "slut."

Oh, you know,
that's such ignorant bullshit.

Who are these friends of yours?

Do you think I'm one?
Like, do you think I'm a slut?

No. No.

And I don't want you
using that word again.

[ENGINE CLANKING]

- What's that sound?
- Oh, that's how the car sounds.

Maybe we should stop
and get a few dollars' worth of gas.

[♪♪♪]

- She's pretty. Olivia.
- Oh, she's pretty.

That's what "Olivia" means.
"Most beautiful."

- So, what's she doing with me? Right?
- No.

- That's what you were thinking.
- No, it wasn't, actually.

She wouldn't leave me alone.

I tell you, she sent me an essay
she'd written about my work.

Asked if I'd meet for coffee.

I was so damn vain I said okay,
and then we did.

And, oh, she was cute.
And so damn smart.

That's the real aphrodisiac.

I've written more in the last four months
than I wrote in the five years before that.

That's what good sex will do for you.
Anyway, that's over.

So how do I look?

What about the side from here,
how does that look?

- What?
- Never mind.

- Grandma, do you have any more ideas?
- Yeah.

Afraid I do.

[♪♪♪]

- What?
- No. Nothing.

Wait in the car.
On second thought, come with me.

- Hi. Hi, Karl.
- Elle.

- What a surprise to get your call.
- Well, it's been too long.

Thirty years, Elle.

It's been 30 years
since we saw each other.

- We're 30 years older.
- That's the way it works.

It don't go backwards.

- Who's the young lady?
- This is my granddaughter, Sage.

- Hi.
- "Sage." Nice name. Pungent.

- Want some zucchini?
- Oh, that's okay. No.

- Do you?
- No. No, thank you. I'm fine.

How about some corn?
I just boiled some corn.

- Corn. Okay.
- Come on.

- Sage, you sure you don't want a piece?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I have a bit of an upset stomach. So....

- Listen, who are these people?
- My grandkids.

So you've got grandkids now?

I do. You're not the only one
allowed to have grandkids.

- Which wife is this?
- Wife number four.

Kid number five.
Grandkids 9, 10 and 11.

- Jesus, you're a patriarch.
- I am. I'm biblical.

- How's the corn?
- Oh, it is good.

Those your own teeth
you're eating it with?

- Need you ask?
- You always worried about your teeth.

- You took good care of them.
- Yeah. She used to tell me...

- ...brush your teeth or you'll lose them.
KARL: Did she?

You know, the teeth are the only thing
we see on a person...

...that'll still look the same
when they're dead.

When somebody smiles at you,
they're showing you their skeleton.

- That's creepy.
- Heh. It is.

- So are you married now?
- Right now, no.

I am currently a man about town.

Sage, let me talk to Karl for a minute.
Why don't you go outside, look around?

Okay.

You gonna make me
a marriage proposal?

- Now that you know I'm available?
- Afraid not.

Just wondering if a wife
was gonna pop out from somewhere.

God forbid.

You wanna smoke some weed?

Sure. Why not?

Whoa.

You mean business.

[BIRD CHITTERING]

Didn't think I'd be having a party today.

- Care for a beer?
- Yeah.

So how's your partner? Daisy?

Ugh, come on.

- Violet.
- Violet.

- How's Violet?
- She passed away.

A year and a half ago. Violet's dead.

- I'm sorry. I am.
- Thanks.

So listen, you told me...

...that if I ever needed anything
I should come to you.

Did I?

Yes, I guess I did.

About a hundred years ago.

Well, I need $500. Here.

I can pay you back
in a couple of weeks.

So you're not here just to smoke a joint
with an old flame?

Well, sure, I'm here for that.
But I need 500 bucks.

- You must not have a lot of friends.
- Heh, heh.

- Current ones.
- Guess not.

You were always good with money,
I thought maybe you could help me out.

What do you need it for?

- Rent.
- For rent?

Yeah.

- Why don't you ask your daughter?
- Well, we're not speaking that often.

That's too bad.

It's painful seeing you, Elle.

What the hell kind of a thing
is that to say to a woman?

I don't know.
It just popped into my head.

Maybe I'm getting soft.
Male menopause, maybe.

You're well past menopause.
We both are.

It's painful seeing you,
because it makes me feel old.

Oh.

- I like being old. Young people are stupid.
- We sure were. We sure were stupid.

- So can you loan me the money?
- Sure.

- I want something in return, though.
- What? What do you want?

A kiss.

[LAUGHS]

- You mean like a peck?
- No, like a kiss. A real kiss.

- And then you'll loan me the money?
- Yeah.

Okay. Uh-huh.

Let's get it over with.

There you go. For old times' sake.

Now I want you to make love to me.

Just once. For old times' sake.

Go fuck yourself, Karl.

I'm not really interested
in fucking myself, Elle.

I wish I was. I could've saved myself
a lot of trouble over the years.

So look, I'm gonna go outside
and work on my jeep.

We had a deal.
Hey, Karl, we had a deal.

Asshole.

Goddamn it, we had a deal!

KARL: Why are you here?
- I told you.

I'm here because I need some money.

KARL:
You wronged me.

- Oh, this again?
- You were wrong, how you acted.

- Forty-nine years ago?
- Forty-nine years ago. You were wrong.

Well, I was wrong to be sleeping
with you, given I was a lesbian.

Well, you didn't seem like a lesbian
at the time.

- When we were living on the boat.
- Yeah, well, I was.

Just a confused one.

And that poem you wrote?
"The Ogre's Seed"?

That was not about you, Karl. Karl.

Are you're sure you're not here
to say you're sorry?

To apologize to me? Finally?

You've got 11 grandkids.
And you can't let go of old shit?

I find that as I grow older,
old shit just bubbles up.

It bubbles up out of the tar.

Don't you find that to be the case?

Look, Elle...

...I'm not the one
who phoned up out of nowhere.

You're the one rattling the skeletons here.
So, what are you here for?

What are you here for?

I'm here because
I need some goddamn money...

...and I'm the only idiot in the world I know
who would cut up her credit cards...

...to prove a point to herself.

Sage!

Goddamn it, I knew I was stupid
to come here.

You are the same old selfish bastard
you always were.

Sage! Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Okay.

Okay. I can help.

You can?

If you need my help, I can help you.
For old times' sake.

- Five hundred?
- Yeah.

I have it. Hold on.

- He's not my--
- Your grandfather? No.

Your grandfather was a fling.
Just a one-night stand.

I don't even know where he is.
Karl's a guy I married.

- What?
ELLE: We lived on a sailboat...

...for a couple of months, and then....

I split. In the middle of the night.

Wait. Was this before
Grandma Vi or...?

Of course it was before Grandma Vi.

Hey....

So, what's it for?
What's the money really for?

I told you, it's for rent.

Yeah, you told me that,
but you're a shitty liar.

So, what's it for?

- Um, I--
- She needs to terminate a pregnancy...

...and she's gonna have an abortion.

No.

- No fucking way.
- Karl--

Are you out of your mind?
Are you out of your goddamn mind?

- Come on, Karl.
- Go to hell.

All right! All right!

I'm sorry! All right?

I'm not sorry that I did it. But....

I am sorry that I lied to you.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you.

That's all I'm sorry for.

- But, Karl, I am sorry for that.
- It was my decision too.

It's my body. It's always been my body.

And then you go-- You fucking go
and have a stranger's baby?

I wanted a baby.

- I just didn't want a husband.
- Yeah.

- So she grew up without a father.
- Oh, she grew up fine.

Which is why you two don't speak.

And you.

Does he know? The father?

Yeah, he knows. But he doesn't care.
He doesn't want it.

Well, at least he knows.

At least you had the human decency
to tell him.

But I'm not gonna pay for it.

I can't pay for that.

Come on. Let's go.

- So you had an abortion?
- In someone's basement. Yeah.

- Was it a doctor?
- He said he went to medical school.

But I doubt it.

Did it hurt?

[SCOFFS]

- So you used to like men?
- I always liked women.

I just didn't like myself.

[♪♪♪]

- I don't know.
- What? You don't know what?

Are you having second thoughts?

I just....

You know, I wanna have a family.
And I wanna have babies someday.

But not now. You know?

And I want to go to college.
And I got my GPA up to a B.

And some people can do both.
But I can't.

You know what we have to do, right?

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

- I'm scared.
- You and me both.

You're scared?

I've been scared of your mom
since she was 5 years old.

Over here. Come on.

You must be Elle. I'm Ian.

- Hi, Sage.
- Hi.

IAN:
You guys, follow me.

Ahem. What happened
to what's-her-name? You know, Tiffany?

- I don't know a Tiffany. I replaced Sasha.
- Ah.

Boy, she goes through secretaries,
doesn't she?

You must feel like your head's
on the chopping block.

- So nice to finally meet you.
ELLE: Hey, come on. Let's go.

Mm.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

Hey, there she is.

- What is that thing you're standing on?
- It's a treadmill desk.

That's a redundancy.

- And that was a joke.
- That's debatable.

So, what's going on?

- Um, so....
- Come on. What is going on here?

- Spit it out.
- Hey, come on. Not so bossy.

Why are you so bossy?

You know what,
you're making me anxious.

The two of you are making me
extremely anxious.

Showing up like this, here.
In the middle of the day?

What's going on?
Why aren't you in school?

- Because I'm on break.
- Right.

- Are you pregnant?
- What?

Please don't tell me
that you are fucking pregnant.

Oh, my God.

- She's pregnant.
- Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

I should fucking-- You asshole!
I should fucking kill you, you know that?

What happened to the box of condoms
that I bought you? Huh?

Did you eat them? There were
a hundred condoms in that box!

- Your 4:30's here. Should I tell--
- What?

Should I tell your 4:30 that you're busy?
I could tell them you're running behind--

Tell them that I will see them
in the little conference room.

Okay? And you two, don't go anywhere.
I'll be back in 15 minutes. Do not leave.

Do not leave.

All right, take the clients
to the little conference room...

...and then get me an espresso.

Hey, no. Wait, wait, wait!
Espresso first, then clients.

Don't leave!

Oh, my God!

- Okay, we should go, like, now.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, we better not.
- What?

[SIGHS]

This sucks.

Oh, boy, she does not need an espresso.

[♪♪♪]

JUDY:
Well...

...this is my fault.

- It's not.
- Yes, it is.

Because you've been left alone,
unsupervised...

...with way too much free time,
for far too long.

- I don't need to be supervised.
- Clearly you do.

I mean, any idiot could see that
you need to be supervised, am I right?

- Are you saying I'm "any idiot"?
- What is your involvement?

My involvement is I am her grandmother.
And I'm your mother.

- Yes, but what are you doing here?
- I'm here for support.

Did you let them use your house?
For sex?

I'm not a pimp.

- Okay, how far along are you?
- Ten weeks.

Oh, thank God. The first trimester.

So I'm assuming that you want...

- ...to have an abortion.
- Yes.

Okay.

- Who is it? The little creep?
- Yes. Yes.

Really? Sage!

You know what,
but we're not a couple anymore.

- If we ever really were one.
- I told you he was a loser.

- Did I not tell you he was a flat-out loser?
- Yes, you told me, okay?

- And you were right.
- I was right.

- Yes.
- Okay, so you don't have any money.

You spent all your money on shoes
and garbage.

Okay, but you confiscated my credit card,
which was totally unfair.

It cost me $2000
to have the garage door fixed.

Brake. Gas. Brake. Gas.

So I'm assuming that
you then went to her for money...

...but she doesn't have any money either
so, of course, you came to me.

Am I right?

Well, you missed a few steps in between,
but you're right.

JUDY:
Mm. Mm-hm.

- What about all those condoms? Hm?
- We used them.

- Oh, you and the rodent?
- Yes.

Well, you know what? You can get more.
I didn't hand-make them. I didn't knit them.

Okay, I know.
You don't have to yell at me.

This isn't yelling. I will show you yelling.

Okay, we need to get you
an appointment at a clinic.

No, no, no.
I already made an appointment. At 5:45.

- Today?
- Yes.

That's in an hour.
I can't take you at 5:45.

I can take her. I can take her.
If you pay for it.

- How much?
- We need $500.

- Christ. You don't have $500?
- You know, at the moment I don't.

And I misplaced my credit card.

I suppose that makes me
some kind of sub-human.

You said it, not me.

You know, kid,
you need such a spanking.

I'd like to see you try.
Come on. Let's go.

Gotta get to an ATM.

- You weren't going to tell me, were you?
- I don't know.

Honestly, no. I wasn't.

Why?

I was scared.

- Why?
- Because you're scary.

- I'm scary? And she's not?
- I didn't come here to take crap from you.

No, you came here for money.

I haven't asked you
for anything in years.

Well, hooray for you.

There were things I wanted to pay for,
you know. Nurses.

It wasn't my decision. It was hers.
You know how private she was.

Really? And all along
I just thought it was you...

...being too proud to accept help.

I'm deeply disappointed in you.

Deeply. You know that?
I had thought you were doing better.

I thought you were becoming
responsible.

- You know, people make mistakes.
- I'm aware of that.

I make my living
cleaning up after people's mistakes.

And they're not mistakes,
they're choices! Here.

Call me when it's over.

I have to go.

- Were you going to tell me?
- It's not up to me.

- It's up to her to tell you.
- You're awful.

You are an awful mother.

- I'm an awful mother?
- Yeah.

Well, luckily for you
I wasn't your only mother.

- No. Thank God. Thank God for Vi.
- Why don't you try being more like her?

Anyway, I will try to be a better
grandmother.

Come on.

That went better than I thought it would.

She's such a brat.
Damn it, she's spoiled.

What a brat. Vi spoiled her, she did.

Vi wanted to make
all the parenting decisions.

People thought
I was the controlling one. Ha, ha.

- We're not gonna make it on time.
- We're gonna make it, don't worry.

If this rat bastard will move
the hell over!

Dumb fuck, slow-ass motherfucker,
move!

SAGE:
Calm down.

What do you mean, calm down?
You wanna get there, don't you?

- But just don't drive so fast.
- Come on, move it!

- Stop yelling!
- I am not yelling! Did I yell? No!

Jesus, come on, move it, you moron.
Move it!

- Am I gonna go to hell?
- What?

- Am I gonna go to hell? What if it's true?
- What are you talking about?

Along with all the millions of other
women who've had abortions?

- Yeah. Along with them.
- I don't believe in a vengeful God.

When you're dead, you're dead.
It's blackness. End of story.

Void. Get used to it.

And don't cry. Don't beat yourself up.

- Stop crying, you're so masochistic--
- I'm not crying right now!

Come on, move it!
Come on, you moron! Move it!

[ENGINE POPS]

Don't worry, don't worry.

[SAGE SCREAMS]

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

- What's wrong with you?
- Just a minute.

The car acts that way. Just a second.

God, fuck!

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Oh, Jesus. God.

Oh....

I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

I said I'm sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Ah.

- Good, good, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.

[WEAPONS FIRING ON SCREEN]

- So where are you guys headed again?
- A medical facility.

My granddaughter
is getting a procedure.

It's gonna be okay, honey.

- What kind of procedure?
- Female stuff.

Oh, Jesus.
Don't worry, we'll get you there.

Quiet! I can't hear the show!

- Quiet? You be quiet!
- No, you be quiet!

- You be quiet!
- You be quiet!

Hey, enough out of all of you!

[♪♪♪]

- Hey, thanks. Thanks for the lift.
- Thank you.

Uh-oh. Just keep walking.

[SAGE MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

- Don't kill your baby.
ELLE: Just ignore her.

- Your baby has fingernails.
- Not until 22 weeks, genius.

Baby-killing slut!

Is that how you talk in front
of that sweet little girl?

WOMAN: If you go in there,
God will send you to hell!

- Go on, sweetheart. I'll be right in.
- Wait. What? Grandma, no!

Hi, sweetheart.

You know, there's a larger world
out there...

...that does not have to be filled
with hatred and narrow-mindedness.

Oh, my God!

Hi. She has a 5:45 appointment.
Sage Reed.

We got delayed.

Yeah. And my grandmother needs
to be looked at.

ELLE: No.
- What happened to you?

Listen, I got slugged by the bad seed.
It's nothing. I'm fine.

Okay. The doctor will be with you.
You can be seated.

Sage?

- Yes?
- I'm Dr. Ng.

I heard there was some drama outside.
Is your grandmother doing all right?

Her grandmother's fine.
She's not unconscious or anything.

Got it. I'd like to take a look at you.

- The nurse already did.
- I know. I'd like to look at you as well.

- Can I come?
- Sage, we're gonna have you talk...

...to our counselor for a little bit,
just to go over everything.

Can my grandmother come with me?

It's private, just to make sure
you're fully comfortable...

...and it's your decision.

Whose decision would it be?

It's just to ensure she's not feeling
any pressure...

...or fear about the procedure.

Tracy will take you
to our counselor...

...who's very well-trained and sensitive
so you don't have to worry.

I'm glad to hear it,
but I'm gonna be there...

...because this is my granddaughter.

It's okay. I'll be okay.

Sage, I'll be here.

I'm gonna be right here outside
and if you need anything...

...or if anybody gives you any shit,
they have to deal with me.

I know.

TRACY:
Sage, you want to follow me, please?

No one's gonna give her any shit.
Right this way.

You go ahead. I'll follow you.
I can handle myself.

You feeling any dizziness?

I see a bright light in one eye,
now in the other.

- Ha, ha. No dizziness?
- No.

- Nausea?
- No.

I told you I'm fine.
Take care of my granddaughter.

- You take care of her.
- I will.

ELLE:
You'd better.

If you hurt her I will come looking for you,
and I'm not kidding.

I'm not going to hurt her.

You gonna do a D and C?

We don't do curettage at this stage
of pregnancy.

Not at this clinic.

- What do you do?
- We do vacuum aspiration.

It's less traumatic to the uterus.

- Guess it's not the Dark Ages anymore.
- No.

- How much is it gonna hurt her?
- Mm. It'll be a bit uncomfortable.

She might cramp a fair amount
afterwards.

- But the procedure shouldn't hurt.
- Mine hurt. Mine did.

- It was like a nightmare.
- Well, like you said...

...this isn't the Dark Ages.
Not here at least.

Okay, I'm gonna take you
to the Well Woman waiting room.

Catchy name.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I cancelled a few things. Is she okay?

She went in about 20 minutes ago.

- What happened to your eye?
- The usual.

God.

Do you want coffee?
I can go get us coffee.

- Oh, I'm okay.
- Yeah. Right.

I don't really need
any more caffeine either.

How is she?

- Scared?
- Sure. Yeah.

Talk about a feeling
of total powerlessness.

Kids.

I miss her. I miss Mama Vi.

I wish she were here.
To talk to her about this.

She'd have a thing or two to say.

- I'd like to ask her what I did wrong.
- Who said you did something wrong?

- Well, we're here, aren't we?
- Better than if we weren't.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

- What are you doing here?
- I cancelled some stuff.

Sage, I wanted to be here.
I just....

You caught me by surprise.

- Hey, how are you doing?
NURSE: She did great.

We'll see you in two weeks.

Remember to take your temperature
every day...

...and call if it goes above 100.4.

We've got a nurse available
24 hours a day...

...in case there's anything
out of the ordinary.

- So one of you is driving Sage home?
- I am. I'm her mother.

Good. You can pull the car around.
Jill and Wendy are gone.

Oh.

I don't want to know.

Jill and Wendy....

I wonder which one slugged me.

I think it felt like a Wendy, you know?

Oh, I'm cramping.

- Bad?
- Yeah.

- They said it's normal.
- Yeah.

- God, I feel like crying all the time.
- Go on. Go right on and cry.

If you don't cry about this,
what the hell you gonna cry about?

Oh, God.

Okay, let's go.

Let's get you home.

You were really mean to me earlier.

- I know.
- I'm not trying to ruin your life.

I know.

You know, I'm not perfect.
We're not all perfect. You're not perfect.

- I'm aware of that. I am very aware of that.
- So stop being such an asshole.

I'll try.

I will.

And you stop seeing that little creep.

Grandma beat the shit out of him.

- What?
- I did. I did. She's not kidding.

- I would have liked to have seen that.
- Probably not.

- Do you need a ride?
- No, no. You take her home.

She needs to get home.
I'm gonna call a cab.

- I should probably thank you.
- Knock yourself out.

She's right, you know.

I'm angry. I am really angry.

I'm a big bully, and I don't know
where it comes from.

You don't?

Well, you gave me good teeth too.

You better take care of them,
or you're gonna lose them.

Listen, I'd like to come by,
check on her tomorrow.

Come by.

Stay for dinner, if you want.
I'll order pizza.

Good enough.

Hey.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[MAN GRUNTS]

It's gonna be expensive
to replace the crankshaft.

- You been putting oil in it regularly?
- You know. I-- Ahem.

You get that black eye checked out?

What, did you bang your head
on the steering wheel?

Yeah.

Got anyone?

- What?
- You got anyone to pick you up?

Um....

No.

I'll call you a cab.

Okay.

Thanks.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Violet....

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

God, you made me laugh.

[SIGHS]

I know.

Driver...

...I need to make a stop.

- Wait for me here, please.
- You have to pay me now.

Yeah, of course. But you'll wait for me.

- How long?
- Five minutes.

Yeah, okay. No problem.

- Elle.
- Hi.

- What happened to you?
- Nothing. Some little girl punched me.

- What?
- It was a karma boomerang.

- Anyway, I'm fine.
- Come in.

- No, no, no.
- Come in, I wanna get you some ice.

- No. You have company.
- Come in. No, just come in.

- Uh.... I don't really, I don't--
- I....

ELLE:
Oh, shit.

- These are my parents.
- Yeah, Jesus--

- Mike and Francesca.
- Hello.

- Mom and Dad, this is Elle.
- How do you do?

I'm a friend of your daughter.

We've heard a lot about you.

- I enjoy your poetry.
- Thank you.

FRANCESCA: I read it at college.
ELLE: Of course.

- I was a Women's Studies major.
- Uh, congratulations to you.

"Dragonfly" was one
of my favorite poems.

You bite my wings,
Attack me midflight

Evolution's knife
Pressed to my throat

Yes, that is the one
that gets anthologized.

Not my favorite, honestly,
on a technical level.

How come you stopped writing?

People stopped reading.

- Here, just--
- Oh, no, dear. Thank you very much.

- I feel like it's swelling--
- I've had ice. I really have.

And I think it's done what it can do.
I'm gonna give you your privacy.

I have a cab waiting outside.
It's so intrusive.

I just came to give you these.

- They're first editions.
- I know what they are.

Yeah, of course you do.

Anyway, it's been a pleasure,
and I'll just say goodbye.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

I'll be right back.

- Jesus--
- Don't!

Elle.

- Yeah?
- Where are you going?

Home.

So you came for that?
Just to give me some books?

No.

No, that's not why I came.

Of course it meant something to me.

I loved being in love with you.

I never thought
I could feel that way again.

You know, you have a wonderful life
ahead of you.

And that's all I want for you.

I want you to have what I had.

It's been a long day...

...and I'd kind of like to get home
to do some writing.

And you should probably
go back in there...

...and make sure your parents don't need
smelling salts or something.

Okay?

- Bye.
- Goodbye, Elle.

[♪♪♪]

Son of a bitch.

♪ There goes the gal in the pretty skirt ♪

♪ With the golden smile
That made you feel new ♪

[ELLE LAUGHING]

♪ When the marching band
Strolls the street ♪

♪ You know another year's
Come too soon ♪

♪ So you took her hand
She gave a look ♪

♪ That sent you to the moon ♪

♪ And there you spoke the words
Of a gentleman ♪

♪ Can I have this dance with you? ♪

♪ Can I share this dance with you? ♪

♪ Won't you come on home? ♪

♪ I built us a flying machine ♪

♪ And we'll go where you want ♪

♪ We'll sail the seven seas ♪

♪ I hope all is well ♪

♪ In Daisy's dreams ♪

♪ There goes a gal
Yeah, the pretty bird ♪

♪ On the golden mile
That made you feel real ♪

♪ She took with on to the stars ♪

♪ She don't make no big deal ♪

♪ And there she sits
With them big old fields of daisies ♪

♪ And rusty mills ♪

♪ And when the sun
It shines on her hair of gold ♪

♪ She's beautiful ♪

♪ She's beautiful ♪

♪ Won't you come on home? ♪

♪ I built us a flying machine ♪

♪ And we'll go where you want ♪

♪ We'll sail the seven seas ♪

♪ I hope all is well ♪

♪ In Daisy's dreams ♪

♪ In Daisy's dreams ♪♪

[♪♪♪]