Grandads-Robbers (1972) - full transcript

An old detective does not want to retire, especially if the reason for his retire is to free a place for stupid young "promoted-by-the-tops" guy. The only way out is to convince the boss that hero still can effectively investigate complex crimes. Together with his going-to-be-retired engineer friend he decides to commit a perfect crime himself and then quickly solve it. But the first attempt of ideal crime is unexpectedly unnoticed by anyone; and after convincing their female fried, a bank employee, to participate in another "fake crime" scenario, they face a real trouble: money are finally grabbed by actual criminal. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
We cannot be positively sure our story really has happened.

Any coincidences you can note, are purely accidental.


Some people live long enough to retire,

and then there?s the rest.

A pensioner is a person, who gets paid not to work anymore.

One ought to respect old age, as one?s own near future.

Because everyone, with any luck, will become an old person.

Nikolay Sergeevitch Myachikov and his friend

Valentin Petrovich Vorobyov were of the lucky kind.

Valentin Petrovich was going to work for the last time,

while Nikolai Sergeevitch expected quite an ordinary day.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, a shoe store was robbed.

They stole so many boots,

you?d think they?re planning to equip a women's cavalry regiment.

Is there such a thing nowadays?

Sorry. I forgot that humor isn?t your strongest suit.

I'm sorry. I didn?t get the joke.

- What's wrong with your cheek? Are you hurt?
- It?s nothing, just a bandit bullet.

Call up the car. We're leaving.


- Hello?
- Hello there, Fedyaev.

- Good afternoon, Andrey Nikanorich.
- How are you?

Catching crooks, Andrey Nikanorich.

I'm sending you help. Find him a job.

- What job, Andrey Nikanorich?
- Don?t worry, not your job.

Let?s make him a detective.

- I don't have an opening at the moment.
- Find it then.

You?ll be a detective for a while. That?s the best I can offer.

Hello! When we came in this morning the doors were closed,

the seal was intact, the windows and the locks weren?t damaged,

yet 200 pairs of Dutch fur boots have vanished.

- How much they?re worth?
- 70 rubles per pair.

- Dutch?
- Yes.

The shoes made by our local manufactures are all accounted for.

The only key is always on me.

I don't entrust anyone with it because the financial liability is on me.

Does your wife need a pair of Dutch fur boots by any chance?

- The stolen ones?
- No, the ones that are still here.

I?m good, thanks.

Fyodor Fedorovich, here it is. Please step back.

I have noticed the linoleum does not fit the floor properly.


Let's open it. Give us a hand.

We'll have to go in.

I forgot my flashlight.

Take these.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, I need to have a serious talk with you.

You should?ve chosen a better place for that.

It is perfectly suitable in here. We?re not afraid of the dark.

Tell me, when are you going to retire?

Why should I?

Why? Wait, don?t crawl away.

Think of your health.

I'm healthy. Let go of my leg.

The work is too hard for you.

You haven't solved a single crime in the last two months.

That?s not true. What about those crabs?

I personally measured with a ruler all 13?820 of them.

That was a Herculean task: it?s exactly what broke you.

I don?t find it funny at all.

- Nikolai Sergeevitch, you?re short of breath.
- Let go of me.

Wait. I stepped on something soft.

- I think it's a boot.
- Let me see. There?s fur.

- It means they went in this direction.
- Agreed. Let?s go!

Keep your head down.

Nikolai Serg...

Nikolai Sergeevitch, you?ll have to apply for retirement.

- So, you?ve decided to fire me.
- Who said anything about firing you?

Okay, you?re putting me out to pasture. All because I can't do my job?


If I worked better, you would not fire me, would you?

Of course not.

- Assign the case of the stolen boots to me then.
- There?s nothing to solve.

It?s obvious that the person who stole all those boots is someone who knew about the tunnel.

Finding the thief is going to be a piece of cake, as it were.

Then assign another case to me.

I can't quit. What am I going to do at home all day?

Well, fine, fine. Work for another month.

And if you manage to prove yourself, we?ll revisit this conversation.

I will prove myself. I?m still capable of a great deal.

A farewell party is a touching event.

On this day, all colleagues lament the jubilarian?s leave,

they love him and say only the nice things about him.

Dear Valentin Petrovich,

I can't imagine that from now on I?ll have to sign

payroll statements without your last name on them.

From the financial collective, accept our humble gift.

Valentin Petrovich, dear, I can't even imagine?

Tomorrow, I come to work, and you're not there.

Please, accept this modest gift from the employees of the planning department.

My friend Valentin Petrovich,

why do you have to bury your engineering talent so soon?

It will be very difficult for us to carry on without your innovative ideas,

without your rational proposals.

For our technical department this is a big loss...

Just inconsolable.

Dear Valentin Petrovich,

we, the youth, have often sought your advice.

You have generously shared your experience with us.

- Today we are orphaned!
- My dear...

Dear Valentin Petrovich, it's hard for me to speak,

because to me today is a mournful day.

We've been working together for 30 years.

You're my right hand,

and today that hand is being cruelly chopped off.

Well, Petrovich, allow me to hand you an order signed by the Minister.

I hope your colleagues will respond to the departure of Valentin Petrovich with new achievements.

But what progress can be achieved by industrial products without you.

The representative of the minister was kidding,

but the hero of the day no longer understood jokes.

When a person loses their sense of humor,

it's impossible to predict what will come to their mind.

Comrades, I'm so deeply moved.

I had no idea you loved me so much.

I love you too.


Only now do I understand that I made a rash decisi?n.

I?m? You're absolutely right,

I shouldn't bury my engineering talent. I can still be of use.

You've convinced me. I realized that you still need me.

And even though I have a bad heart, even though I turned 60,

even though I?ve earned my rest, I will not retire.

I'm staying with you.

Wait, wait!

First of all, I did not give you a podsatakannik. I gave a coffee maker.

- The podsatakannik is from the planning department.
- Sorry.

And secondly, the coffee maker was purchased with money from the director's fund.

I can't write that off.

And thirdly, what am I going to do with this coffee maker?

Put it in storage.

- And what did you give me?
- I gave the order from the minister.

No problem here then. Not all orders should be obeyed.

So, if I understand you correctly, Valentine,

you are indeed? well,

are you refusing to retire?

The collective can't do without me, and I can't live without the collective.

No one made you do it. You?ve submitted the application yourself.

Besides, I have already hired another person to do your job.

And all of this...

It was more of a ritual.

You mean everyone was insincere, saying they'd be lost without me?

No, that's not what I meant...

Comrades, you'd really like for me not to retire?

And do you really want me to stay?

See how little you think of people.

Wait, Valentin Petrovich, what about the banquet?

The banquet awaits!

And the cause for such a feast?

The cause is my non-retirement!

- Well, how did it go?
- Fabulous.

Congratulate me, giris, they didn't let me go.

Why didn't they let you go?

- Because. They were practically begging.
- And you agreed?

- What else was I supposed to do?
- What about the banquet?

- Don't worry, everyone will show up.
- Disgrace!

How dare they! You have a bad heart!

Try to understand, the representative minister himself came to say,

?What success can industrial products achieve without you??

That is, without me.

To be honest, Fedyaev is right.

I have nothing to be proud of. I do not deserve my salary.

- It's not just you.
- You are not helping.

- If I could just solve a great crime...
- Pull yourself together and solve one.

Where would I find such a crime? Fedyaev doesn't appoint cases to me anymore.

You don't know how to defend yourself. You?re honest and incorruptible.

That?s the most important thing in your professi?n.

If Fedyaev starts throwing out people like you, where we?ll end up?

No, I won't leave it like that.

- How long did he give you?
- A month.

That?s enough time to take care of Fedyaev.

- What do we do?
- Let me think.

Very well. I'll go give Masha a hand.

I?ve always said you were a weakling.

Masha, are you in need of free labor?

Kolya, go to the kitchen and help Anna Pavlovna.

Anna Pavlovna was a resilient woman,

because she could only count on herself.

Anna Pavlovna had neither a husband nor an education.

That's how her life turned out.

I was sent to help you.

- Can you do the dishes?
- Regrettably, yes.

- Put on an apron.
- Okay.

Let?s go, or they'll make us do more chores.

Mom, we're leaving!

Tie this up, please.

- What's the matter?
- Come here.

Excuse me, Anna Pavlovna, I'll be right back.

To keep your job, you have to solve a crime.

Not the regular kind either. You need the crime of the century.


Plates of fish should not be washed with hot water.

- Really?
- Yes.

They must be washed with soapy cold water.

You can wash the greasy ones in hot water.

Are you a professional dish washer?

It?s been five years since my wife died.

- I'm sorry, I didn't know.
- Come here.

Excuse me.

Crimes of the century don?t just happen. It has to be organized.

And in order for you to be able to solve it, I?ll have to do the organizing.

- Understood?
- Don't you realize?

- What?
- I will have to send you to jail.

But I don't want to go to jail.

- There?s no way around it?
- No.

- Still, we have to prove a person isn?t defined by age.
- Then think harder.

The aspic we ate was lovely.

But I make it differently from Maria Tikhonovna.

I typically go to the market to buy a calf shank.

There they cut it into pieces, for it is difficult to do at home.

Then I boil it with carrots and onions.

For about 5 hours or so. Takes a long time. That?s why I make it on weekends.

And only if the guests are coming, never for myself.

- Me too, I can't stand cooking.
- When you pour the broth into a bowl,

it?s time to add garlic and pepper,

and it's also nice to add...

- Careful.
- It's very good to put in

various greens and parsley...

It's delicious and healthy.

- Yes, I love that...
- Chef...

Come to me.

Usually, I take a chicken...

I?ve got it.

I'll commit a crime. You?ll solve it, but you won't catch me.

What kind of crime can be solved without finding the criminal?

You?ll think of one!

You know I can't make up a crime.

How come? You've been dealing with criminals your whole life, haven't you learned anything from them?

- What does this have to do with-
- Goodbye.

Thank you very much, Valentin Petrovich! Goodbye.

- Are you leaving already?
- Yes. I must say,

thanks to your help, I finished quickly.

- Allow me to walk you home.
- Walk her, Kolya, she lives so far away.

She can get lost on her way...

Thank you, thank you very much.

Goodbye and all the best.

- Don?t you have a coat?
- I'm used to cold.

- Put mine on.
- No.

You don't have to walk with me.

I live rather far away. It will be too late for you to return,

there are no buses.

Walking is good for you. Doctors recommend walking before going to bed.

Actually, I live here. Right here.

- What? Is this your apartment?
- Yes.

You played me well.

It's so strange.

I know your son Volodya very well, but I only met you today.

And I visit here often.

So what? We just haven't met before.

I frequently work in the evenings.

I see.

- Well, goodbye.
- Good night.

- Nikolai Sergeevitch.
- Anna Pavlovna.

- Good morning, Kolya.
- Hello, Valya.

- I didn?t waste the nighttime.
- Yes?

- I made a list of potential crimes to commit.
- Come on in.

- See, Valya...
- Yes?

If, say, I was a bricklayer

or, for example, a baker who does not want to retire

and who secretly bakes poppy seeds buns at night in protest...

that would be fine.

Please, understand, you are suggesting a punishable crime.

It's not my fault you have such a ?pleasant? professi?n.

I'm sorry, but your offer can only be accepted by some lunatic.

I'll read you the list.

- The list?
- Yes.

Keep in mind, it was very difficult for me to compose it.

Murder, rape, armed robbery and espionage I immediately vetoed.

- Thanks for that.
- OK. So, first.

Car theft. You return the car, but don't catch me.

Tha is the basic principle.

The stolen goods are returned, but you don't find the criminal. Understood?

- Can you drive a car?
- No. You?

Me neither. How do we steal it?

We can?t, then.

So, second.

- Finished with food?
- Yes, thank you, but that's not the point.

I take all my furniture out of the house.

- Where to?
- To your apartment. Or we can rent a dacha somewhere.

I tell the police I was robbed, and then you find everything.

- That won?t do.
- Why?

Fedyaev knows we are friends. He will discover the truth immediately.

Then we'll rob Anna Pavlovna. This is my third and last proposal.

- How?
- I'll pretend to be robbing her.

She's a collector. I'll talk to her and she?ll give me the money bag.

- The rest is according to the plan.
- I won't let you rob a woman!

You don't like my ideas! Nothing is good enough for you!

- You're talking nonsense!
- I came here with an open heart, and you insult me!

- Because you deserve it.
- Then retire! That's what you deserve!

- It's better to retire than to go to jail!
- People like you are perfect for just that!

- And you? You're a menace to society!
- You're pathetic!

You're not only pathetic, you're old.

You were right. My previous ideas were rubbish.

This time I came up with something incredible. Let's go.

- Where to?
- To the museum.

What am I to do in a museum? I'm busy working.

- You?re just dawdling in there. Let's go!
- What do you mean, dawdling? What do you mean?

- I don?t want to go to the museum. You're forcing me to go.
- Why are you afraid to go to the museum?

- I'm not afraid of the museum. I?m afraid of you.
- Come on, let's go.

Perhaps Rembrandt is exactly what we need.

It's not RembrAndt, it's REmbrandt.

What exhibition should we go to?

- Personally, I like Impressionism.
- Well, the Impressionists it is then.

I'll do anything for you.

Is he any good, this?

- Maillol?
- This one?

He?s not Michelangelo of course, but his work is quite fascinating.

Naturally. They only exhibit the best.

Wait for me.

Excuse me, aren?t you afraid of someone stealing those little figurines?

One has already been stolen. But no more.

Now all the statues are bolted to the pedestals.

- What do you mean? How so?
- Very simple. With compressed air.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

The sculptures are out, they are glued to the pedestals.

Great, no one can steal them then. Look at this wonderful thing!

What good is it? It's so huge.

Paintings are not defined by their size.

Leave me alone. I want to enjoy art in peace.

That's not why we're here.

I'm here because I love art.

- Ok then. Ok.
- That's it.

That?s my favorite painting.

Valya, thank you so much for bringing me here.

We need to spend time with art more often.

Art is the sole timeless value.

Alright, I believe you. You have good taste.

Of course, it's a bit too large, but we'll take it.

- I don't want to steal paintings!
- Don't holler. Why are you hollering?

Wait. Listen to me, don't worry. Let?s go to the Rembrandt exhibition.

Okay, I'll go, but if you say such things again...

I won?t. Come on, let's go.

There are only three small paintings.

- Are you at it again?
- Who do you like better,

the girl with earrings or the portrait of a young man?

I won't tell you.

On one hand, the girl is lighter. On the other, the frame of the young man is more beautiful.

We have to steal a Rembrandt.

Only then it really will be the crime of the century.

Kolya, Kolya!

A truly modern film has to have dreams, nightmares

and visions torturing the main character.

It is only thanks to them we manage to explore

the hard-to-reach inner worid of a modern man.

As you know, nightmares can be colored or black and white.

That was a bonus nightmare.

Nikolay Sergeevitch, let me introduce Yuri Evgenievitch Praskudin.

Please brief him on the job duties.

- What do you mean?
- He'll explain everything to you.

- What's wrong with your hand?
- It?s nothing, a bandit bullet.

Take a seat, please.

Nice to meet you. I was sent in your place.

- Generational shift, so to speak.
- What do you mean, in my place?

I've almost found a crime that needs to be solved.

Oh, you old people are so rambunctious.

Enough I?ve suffered from your bunch.

What bunch?

It's just an expression.

Pardon, do you have a legal background?

- It doesn?t matter nowadays.
- Where did you come from?

I was in charge of the local SSA.

Well, brief me on the job and be quick, please.

I know what people your age are like.

Why were you kicked out of the social security?

It?s better to tell the truth to the detective right away, because he?ll find everything out one way or another.

I was unlucky, that?s all.

- I was a victim of the company combating drinking.
- You're an alcoholic then.

Me? No, no.

Well, yes, I drink now and then, but who doesn't drink?

Don't worry, I?m not staying here.

I don?t like the job. The salary is too low.

I?m here for a temporary refuge, so to speak.

They?re firing me, so you can wait here for something better?

Maybe you don't know that, but Andrei Nikanorich sent me here.

I knew you got hired through connections.

- Petya, give me the gun.
- It's not loaded.

- Good! Otherwise, it could fire.
- A dangerous criminal?


On your feet.

- Don't be silly.
- Get up! Hands up.

- Are you insane?
- Forward march!

Come on!

Petya, remember the face of this subject and don't let him in ever again!

Listen to me, old timer, I won't forget it.

What's wrong with you? You're going to kill me!


Valya, let's rob the museum!

Kolya, I'll meet you at the main entrance in 20 minutes.

Non-working day.

- Can I come in?
- Please.

- Sorry for the mess, I wasn't expecting you.
- And I wasn't going to come.

If the museum hadn't been closed, I wouldn't have ended up at your place.

Were you going to the museum? Do you have a day off?

I don't have a day off, the museum does. And there's nothing to do at work.

- I can?t stay long.
- Well, come in, please.

Are you alright? You seem unwell.

Anna Pavlovna, I am experiencing an affective state.

Complete insanity. In such a state a person can do anything!

If I don't express everything right away, if I change my mind,

I won't say anything at all. I know myself.

- Let me tell you everything.
- Fine, fine.

Don't worry, take your coat off and sit down, please.

You know what? Let?s have a cup of tea.

- Or better yet, I can feed you.
- Don't touch that! No!

Don't confuse me. I?m getting distracted.

I came here with a proposal.

Yes, I understand... What? What kind of proposal?

I?m asking you to marry me. I don?t know how I can be clearer.

How? How come? I...

- This is the third time we?ve met.
- So what?

I have known your son, Volodya, for such a long time!

I can't, I can't go that fast.

To be frank, all of this is just so odd.

I like you very much, but...

That?s not a good enough reason to get married.

Let's wait, let?s wait for a while.

Agreed. I can?t marry you at the moment.

I have no right. That's why I said

that I?m asking for your hand in the future, as it were.

If everything goes well, of course.

You speak in riddles.

I can't reveal the secret. It's someone else's secret.

- What?
- I don't feel so good.


Lie down for a while. Here.


I still don't know what your answer is. Yes or no?

You need to rest now, come to your senses.

Get some sleep.

People need dreams. Even impossible ones.

Only in a dream can you be young.

In a dream you can be the person you will never be again in real life.

The detective soared in the air.

Not for the fun of it.

He was looking for the yellow car that he needed to find at any cost.

Even in a dream, Myachikov was distraught at damaging the factory.

The night before the robbery the old robbers did not sleep.

Dearest Anna Pavlovna,

if you?re reading these sincere words, it means I'm already in jail.

I became a criminal against my will, so to speak.

I had to do that in the name of justice.

- Ready?
- No.

- Got cold feet?
- You don't understand what we?re getting into.

If you expect that if caught, we?ll do 15 days and that?s it,

I'm going to have to disappoint you.

They?ll jail us for 15 years. As a lawyer, I can guarantee that.

A big sea for a big ship, my dear.

No one will believe we are committing such a hideous crime

just because I'm being forced to retire.

But I'm already resolved. I can't quit.

If you're doing this for me, don't. I'm not worthy.

You are, Kolya.

You're a great man. I respect you.

I respect you too.

Can?t you see, cry-baby, we have to prove that old people are people.

We?re fighting for a sacred cause.

It?s time!

If you're doing this for me, then I'm doing it for you.

Let's sit for a while before the trip.

Let's go.

- Why did you bring the cane?
- You don?t get it.

This is not a cane, but a folding ladder. I built it myself.

- You can?t go to the museum with that.
- No, but a lame person can.

- What do you think?
- Do as you will.

I don't like your mood. Our tram is here, let's hurry.

There are proven, recommended ways of robbing art museums.

But Vorobyov decided to follow his own unique path.

Vorobyov's plan was daring, elegant and simple,

like all the great things.

Valya, there are so many people. Everyone came from afar to enjoy...

No idle chatting! The operation has begun. Follow me!

Follow me to the bathroom.

- I may be scared, but I don't want to.
- Hang those together.

Damn it.

That's not why you're here.

- Hide the tickets.
- They won't let us in.

We?re pretending to work here. You think we?d need tickets? Smart guy!

So why do you keep limping? You?re carrying a ladder, not a cane.

Thanks for the critique, I'll keep that in mind.

- What are you doing?
- We?re taking the painting for the reclamation.

- For restoration?
- Yes.

I have never seen you before.

So many people are working here, it?s impossible to remember everyone.

You?re right.

Kolya, wait for me here.

At this tragic moment Nikolai Sergeevitch was supposed to see something...

truly terrible.

But, as luck would have it, nothing had happened.

- I pulled the plug to stop the alarm.
- Good for you.

- Hold onto the ladder.
- Sure thing.

Kolya, grab the painting.

- What is going on?
- Why are they taking the painting down?

Comrades, don't be alarmed. The painting needs to be restored.

What is there to restore?

- Where are you taking the painting?
- For restoration.

- Step back.
- Kolya, come here.

- Give it to me.
- Open your mouth.

Give it to me.

- Yes.
- Take the ladder, take the ladder.


- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wait here, I?m going to turn the alarm on.

Let's go now! They'll do it themselves.

The alarm system is off throughout the whole museum.

I'm afraid actual robbers might take advantage of that. Disassemble the ladder.

Kolya, which booth are you in?

We're here.

What do you mean, we?

Me and the young man. Have you forgotten? We?ve stolen a painting.

Open the door.

It?s occupied.


We have to cover it.

- What are you carrying?
- A Rembrandt painting.

See? You should always tell the truth.

Citizens, make way.

He?s carrying a painting from the museum, the property of the people.

- Careful. Lady!
- Watch it!

- Kolya, are you in?
- Yes, I'm here. Move, comrades!

I can only imagine the panic ensuing in the museum.

Police cars, sirens, the building is cordoned off,

they?re searching all the visitors...

- Police!
- Help!

Kolya! Kolya? Kolya!

What's wrong?

- Ambulance.
- Listening.
- A man is dying.

- Last name?
- Myachikov.

- Name and patronymic?
- Nikolay Sergeevitch.

Why do you need a patronymic for? Come quickly.

- How old is he?
- 60. Why does it matter?

- Home address?
- Begovaya st 31, ap. 5.

What is his temperature?

The man is unconscious. Do you want me to take his temperature?

- Complains?
- He's not complaining about anything anymore.

Wait there. The doctor's on his way.

How are you, Kolya?

- Where does it hurt?
- My conscience.

Take a Validol and put it under your tongue.

Let's rest, and then take the painting to your Fedyaev.

It was stolen a moment ago, yet you've already found it.

I'd love to get rid of it as soon as possible.

But it can be returned only when the prosecutor's office has put it on the wanted list.

And people at work might get suspicious. How did I know it was stolen?

Then hurry to Fedyaev, lest he assigns the case to someone else.

You?re right.

Fyodor Fedorovich, can you assign to me an interesting case?

What case?

I have a feeling...

like today the crime of the century was committed.

There?s no such thing.

Oh, this is bad.

We'll have to break down the door. We still have time to save him.

Find the locksmith!

As quickly as possible!

If you don't trust me,

I could find the painting on a voluntary basis.

What painting?

What are you talking about?

- Don't you know anything?
- No. Do you?

I don't either. No.

Now we'll fix it.


There is no one!

The owner must be alive.

He went out, and we broke down the door.

- Who will be responsible for this?
- This is unheard of!

So many people are waiting for us!

While Myachikov and other fakers distract me from my patients.

I'm going to fine him! Then he?ll be sorry! Sign the act!

Let's go!

- Come on! Fix the door.
- And who will pay for that?


Wait for the owner and watch the apartment,

and when he comes back, talk to him.

Your job, Iv?n Petrovich, is to catch him, no matter what.

Yes, Comrade Captain!

He must be taken alive! You could die.

It will be done, Comrade Captain!

I hear footsteps.

If he did such a thing, he will probably be armed.

- He's small...
- Quiet!

Do not shoot without my command.

And if I do shoot, where should I aim?


It's me. They found me. They?re waiting at home.

I won't betray you.

- Valya, where are you going?
- To prison!

- I'm done with this marauder.
- Hold him! Come on!

You gonna give me enough to buy a bottle of vodka?

- What for?
- What do you mean?

The lock and the hinges need to be fixed.

Besides, my shoulder hurts. You think it?s easy, to break a door down?

- Who are you?
- What do you mean? I'm a locksmith.

From the House Management.

- A locksmith?
- Yes.

- Is Fedyaev here?
- He's dressing wounds.

I'll wait for him.

- Have you been to see him yet?
- Where did you come from? Have you been released?

- Have you seen Fedyaev?
- No, though I?ve waited here for ages.

Where the hell is he? I apologize.

Your friend refuses to tell me why he needs Fedyaev.

However, I have nothing to hide.

I robbed the museum. Your detective has nothing to do with it.

- What do you mean, I had nothing to do with it?
- Nothing.

- I did it myself. Don't you dare!
- Yes, but the painting is at my house.

I gave it to you for safekeeping. You didn't know it was stolen.

How could I not know? I stole it myself!

- Maybe it was you who made the ladder too?
- You designed the ladder,

but on my request, unaware of the reason I need it.

Oh, you liar!

Oh, what a pathetic braggart you are!

Comrades, let me work in peace!

They only stole paintings in the West. Here there?s no point in it.

No one could ever buy it, for Christ?s sake!

- Where did you come from?
- From home.

- Have you been in there?
- In there? No.

- I?m confused. Didn't you call me?
- It was a mistake.

- So, no one suspects anything yet?
- No one.

- Why?
- I'm shocked too.

We should go to the museum and find out why they're sleeping on it.

- The employees may recognize us.
- We?ll disguise ourselves.

I?ll go without the cane, glasses and uniform.

That's not enough. You'll need a beard.

- And what about me?
- You'll have a buzz cut.

I don't want that. That?s ridiculous.

At my age, you can end up with no hair at all.

How will we transform you then? You have such a striking appearance.

You really think so?

- Yes. Oh, I?ve got it! We'll dye you.
- As a black man?

- Not the body, just the hair.
- I don't want to. What for?

What a moronic idea. Wouldn't it be better to have a beard?

Where are you going to get a beard? Stop! I had an interesting thought.

We will make you a foreigner.

I don't want to be a foreigner. I?m fine here.

It?s only temporary.

- What language shall I speak?
- You?ll be silent.

You?ll be a deaf-mute foreigner, and I will be your translator.

- Why a mute would need a translator?
- You?re asking too many questions.

The painting is under restoration.

Stop cursing! We have to find a way out. I, as always, came up with it.

Write a letter to the museum, implying that the painting had been stolen.

- We cannot sign such a letter.
- Let?s make it anonymous.

We should not abase ourselves like that.

And you know perfectly well, no one takes anonymous letters seriously.

Yes. The crime of the century got into a dead-end.

By the way, why do you speak Russian? You?re a deaf-mute foreigner.

It?s me. I received your letter.

- Did you really steal the painting?
- Yes.

- You're crazy.
- It wasn't me who went crazy, it was the museum.

I?ve stolen a priceless masterpiece, and they didn't even notice.

- Did you truly have no other choice?
- We have considered all the other options.

- Who are we? Eh?
- I can't name my accomplice.

What you did is complete madness.

But I understand.

You are an extraordinary person.

I suppose we look funny to these young people.

They?ll grow old before they know it.

It seems to me that all this will end badly.

I think you should return the painting to the museum.

To return this damn painting is even harder than to steal it.

Our philanthropists felt blue.

They were gifting a Rembrandt painting to people,

knowing full well, no one was going to appreciate it.

After the restoration, it looks even better.

- Is he alone?
- No, he has a visitor.

- Are you retiring?
- I'm not going to.

Just the opposite. I?m going to ask for a new case.

This is not right at all to give an old-age pensi?n.

It?d be better if it was provided from 18 to 35 year old.

That?s the best age. To work in those years is just a sin.

At that age one should be preoccupied with their love life.

After that, you can go to work. There?s no point in living anyway.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, are you here to see me?

No, I'll see you later.

Salut to a veteran.

I understand your antagonism towards me.

But what can you do? It?s just life.

For you, it?s time to wither, and for me to blossom.

I'm going to destroy him now.

Because I'm used to working in my own office,

we'll split the room in half.

There are two windows, therefore architecturally it?s quite possible.

In that half these two comrades will be seated.

- And this one will be...
- Whose?

- Mine. Here I'll put...
- What?

A hanger, a hanger.

His table is going to have to go.

I?ve no use for junk.

Do you know who you are? Do you?

You are a fraud!

You're nothing!

A flunky!

According to the rules, once a year a shooting exam was to be had for all collectors.

If the shooter didn?t meet the standard or missed the target altogether,


they still continued to work.


Just a moment.

What? Did you get caught?

No, Valentin Petrovich, I didn't know you were involved. He didn't tell me anything.

He?s still a big mouth. Well, since you already in the loop, it'll be easier for us to negotiate.

- Are you working today?
- I am.

Do you collect large sums? Will there be 1000-2000 rubles?

- A lot more, I think.
- Perfect. I'm going to rob you tonight.

Traitor. I don't want to rob Anna Pavlovna.

- I don't want to rob you.
- You're not going to rob her. You're going to investigate the case.

Neighbor, let's discuss how I'll get your bag.

Wait, you're talking as if I agreed, but I didn't!

- You shouldn?t agree.
- I don't understand why you?re against it.

No, you can't...

You will report to the police, they will transfer the case to the prosecutor's office,

the case goes to Kolya, he will find the money and won't be forced to retire.

- How will I find this money?
- Dumdum, I'll give it to you.

Wait, I have a gun. I?ll have to shoot.

You?ll miss.

You?ll end up in jail.

Both of you are so stupid! Who do I have to work with!?

To the police you?ll describe someone else. Simple!

Nikolai Sergeevitch, I?ll do anything for you, but

I'm an honest woman, and I can't make a deal with my conscience.

That's precisely why I love you.

Let's discuss the details.

Valya, let's not rob Anna Pavlovna.

Better rob her friend.

- What friend?
- I see your friend, also a collector.

She'll shoot him in a second.

We'll explain everything to her. I don't care who to rob.

No, I don't trust women, I know them better than you do.

- What do we do then?
- There will be no friends involved.

Rob me.

Sneakers are for a firm grip.

Have you noticed that in American movies robbers typically wear jeans?

I suppose, that?s not accidental.

No hat. The wind will blow it away.

Are you going to run that fast?

- Well, do I look good?
- Valya, maybe you shouldn?t...

What's the matter with you? Valya!

Masha! Lucya!

- What's wrong with him?
- He's not well.

- Give him the medicine.
- Yes. Call an ambulance!

Yes, now.

- You go instead of me.
- What?

I cannot. I won?t go. I don't know how to rob.

- You'll figure it out.
- Valya, have mercy on me.

Go. This is the will of a dying man. The desire of a dying person is the law.

- Valya, don't die.
- Go. Anya is waiting. Or I'll go.

Valya, Valya!

I will go. I'll go, Valya, I'll go.


Good evening.

- Good evening. Why are you here?
- Valentin Petrovich fell sick.

Thank God! I mean... What's wrong with him?

It?s his heart. I'll have to rob you, there is no one else.

You?re not supposed to rob, you?re supposed to investigate the case.

- I will do both.
- Thank you.

Give me the bag.

I'll run away, and then you scream for help and shoot in the air.

But not right away, otherwise they?ll catch me.

No. I'm afraid for you. You will be caught.

I have no choice. This is the dying man's will.

- Oh my Lord, is he that bad?
- I hope not.

But his words are sacred to me.

I won't let you do that. You are very dear to me!

Indeed? You're wonderful!

Halt! Halt, or I'll shoot!

Hold him down! Stop the robber!

Stop him!

Anya, why don't you shoot?

Help! I?ve been robbed!

- Anya, watch the money!
- No!

- I can't leave the car!
- I can't leave the robber!

Nikolai Sergeevitch, wait! At your age running is dangerous!

I am glad you care about me.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, wait! I?m asking you to stop!

The danger has passed.

Anya, wait, wait!

Take care of the money! Take care of the money, I say!

- The scoundrel has escaped!
- We have to go to the police.

- Let's go!
- Get in.

- Got a light?
- I don't smoke.

Ah, you don't smoke...

You villain!

- Hello?
- It's me.

Thank God! I'm losing my mind here.

Do not worry, please. Everything is fine.

I will investigate tomorrow.

How much money there was?

2372 rubles and 16 kopecks.

- Awful!
- What did you say?

Anya, I?m holding the money right now.

Good night.

Nikolay Sergeevitch, we are lawyers.

We both know no one can force a person to retire.

- When will you go?
- What's wrong with your head?

It?s nothing. A bandit bullet.

- I'm not going to retire.
- Then I'll assign to you a hopeless case.

And next I?ll have to fire you for failing to perform your professional duty.

- Will you assign the collector case to me?
- You guessed it.

Find a robber in a big city...

For you, it might be difficult, but for me... Easy.

You underestimate me.

No. After you got rid of Proskudin, I've changed my mind about you.

Tell that Proskudin of yours to start looking for other jobs.

I'm taking this case.

It was an old man. When I was chasing him, I thought he was going to fall to pieces.

Why didn't you catch him then? He was young, about 20 years old.

- He was an old man, just like you.
- What was he wearing?

Nothing special. He was hatless and had a long coat.

- He was wearing a sports jacket and a tracksuit.
- Why are you arguing like that?

Yes, Anya, what are you talking about? Don't interrupt.

- Who are you interrogating, her or me?
- He's right, don't interupt him.

- Who was robbed, me or him?
- Fair enough.

We were robbed by an old man who looked just like you.

- You only saw his back...
- Yes.

Detective, stand up for a moment, please? Excuse me, could you stand up for a minute?

You'll see. Turn around.

- Can you run around for a bit?
- There's not enough space.

In place, then.

I?m sorry, but...

If you weren't a detective, I?d say it was you who robbed us.

- You would have caught up with him in no time.
- True. I would?ve caught up with you.

Why are you so sure?

He would have caught up with you!

Petya, go with the driver and have a look at the car.

I say, an old man robbed us.

Thank you very much. I have a request. I'm asking you to change your testimony.

You will say that you were robbed by a tall man, who asked you in a low voice,

?Got a light??

And you replied, ?I don?t smoke.?

What difference does it make how looked a nonexistent robber?

You have the money. You will return it. The thief will get away,

because you can't catch yourself obviously.

Still, you were robbed by a tall man...

But he didn't rob me, you did.

I think, it's time to return the money.

He ran through the yard and along this building.

- Let's take a closer look.
- It's pointless.

Anyway, I'm only here out of respect for your legendary past.

My gut tells me he hid the money in this area while he was running away.

You know, I think so too... I remember now... the thief lingered at this corner.

Because the money bag was too heavy for him?

The bag is evidence. It's better to get rid of it, to hide it and then come back for it.

He had plenty of time for that.

- I believe in your success!
- Slow down.

But I do believe...

- Let?s go there.
- Come along.

- There's something in there.
- What could it be?

That's it!

- Unbelievable.
- Can I? Why is the seal broken?

There?s the money.

555, 700...

There's not much left...

There are 1,572 rubles here. Where did the other 800 go?

Very simple. The criminal broke the seal, grabbed some money

and shove it in his pocket. The rest was hidden here.

- Don?t be ridiculous.
- Do you think I stole the money?

I didn't say that, but where are the remaining 800 rubles?

- The criminal spent it.
- How did he spend it? And for what?

And by what right did he spend it?

- I didn't spend that money.
- This isn?t about you.

I thought you were... and you are...

A feisty one!

Don't you dare insult her! You can?t imagine what a wonderful woman she is.

- Mind you, Kolya, I figured it all out.
- Meaning?

- You returned only 1500 rubles.
- How do you know?

Anya told me. Then it?s dawned on me. If you didn?t return everything, you must be in trouble.

- What's in it?
- 800 rubles.

- I can?t take it.
- Do you want us to become dishonest people?

In old age, conscience gnaws even at scumbags.

They do good deeds to atone for their sins.

But you and I, we lived honestly, and, Kolya, let us die honestly.

You have no idea, Valya, how much I agree with you.

Everything torments me so much that I can?t sleep at night.

Take the money, Kolya.

I can't. What will I say to Fedyaev? Where did I find them?

Put it in the drainpipe again.

- That's silly.
- You'll think of something. Here.

- This is probably all your savings.
- That?s none of your business.

Let's go home, it's freezing.

I love the rain. Especially when it?s torrential.

I'm afraid of catching a cold.

It's the first time I went out since I got sick.

Let's go then.

- You kept the books.
- No one would buy them.

Now I understand everything. You acted like a man.

- Fyodor Fedorovich!
- Yes?

Here are the missing 800 rubles.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, I understand, you really want to keep working.

That?s why you keep bringing your own money.

- Yes. But I swear, this time it's not mine.
- If you say so. Just don?t take them to the bank.

So, the question of my retirement is settled, and I tried in vain?

You?d have done the same in my position.

If you have decided to get rid of me, don't make me retire.

- Detain me instead.
- Why should I?

Because I robbed the collector. And before that, I stole a Rembrandt painting from the museum.

But they didn't notice it, so I had to return the painting.

Your lies will be the death of me.

When a person tells the truth, no one believes them for some reason.

Arrest me.

If you want, we?ll arrange a trip to a good sanatorium for you.

- You refuse?
- We're leaving.

Take the money to the bank!

- Petya! Do you have the jail keys?
- Yes.

Open it.

- And now, Petya, lock me up.
- Why?

- I'm under arrest.
- How? Why are you being...?

- For robbery.
- Where's the detention order?

I'll write it now.

Comrade Fedyaev, allow me to report! Detective Myachikov arrested himself.

Get out of here. This is abuse of office.

I'm not going out before the trial.

Don't touch me! Physical abuse is prohibited by law. You know that.

Very well. Stay here as long as you like.

And you, Petya, don't even think about locking him up.

- Still sitting, Nikolai Sergeevitch?
- Little by little.

Are you going to lunch now?

Nikolai Sergeevitch was willing to stay in jail,

But he was not going on a hunger strike.

Petya, where?s my food?

I don't have food stamps on you.

- But I'm hungry.
- Go to the canteen and have a lunch.

Come over here. Bring me food.

Say them it's for me, so they don?t pour gravy over meat.

Would you like some compote?

- Kissel is better.
- Yes, sir.

And keep in mind, it?s the last time I'm paying for lunch.

Sitting in jail should be free.

- Where is Myachikov?
- There, in jail. He's having lunch.

Why would you do that?

Have you forgotten? You taught me to tell the truth.

- There should be limits.
- There is no limit to the truth.

I want to be an honest person.

I?ve committed a crime. Therefore, I have to be punished.

- But we didn't do anything wrong.
- That's what you think.

Let me in, then.

I want to stay here with you. It's only fair.

No, Valya. I won't let you.

You have a family. Go. I'll stay here on my own.

Give my love to Anya. Ask her to not be mad at me.

But why are you sacrificing yourself? No one will appreciate it.

I'm not doing this for others, but for myself.

The court session continues.

Please have a seat.

Myachikov's last vision was almost prophetical.

The fact is, by the end of our film he learned to have prophetic dreams.

And in real life, everything could?ve happened just like in his dream, or somewhat like that...

The defendant made it up.

Stealing a painting from our museum is impossible.

The very idea that a detective is capable of stealing is blasphemous.

Detectives do not steal, but just the opposite.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, forgive me for doubting you.

Why are you retiring? Don't you want to stay with us?

- It's about time for him to retire.
- Shut up!

I would love to work, but I'm not worthy.

- You are worthy, Kolya!
- You are worthy, Nikolai Sergeevitch!

I?m asking you?

I'm asking you to marry me.


As if someone could take away a Rembrandt painting...

- You are worthy, Kolya!
- It's time for him to play dominoes.

- Take a Rembrandt...
- As if no one will notice.

Slander on our museum!

Everything the defendant said is true.

But he didn't do it. I did.

I robbed this wonderful man.

The defendant is an honest man.

He's a saint. Almost.

You are worthy, Nikolai Sergeevitch!

Fyodor Fyodorovich, what happened to you?

I?m riddled with bandit bullets.

Here. I'm like swiss-cheese.

Here it is. 2372 rubles and 16 kopecks.

I stole a Rembrandt painting. I robbed the collector.

Get out of here!

Comrade Vorobyov, Comrade Vorobyov!

He's lying.

- Get out of here!
- That?s my place.

That is my place!

Kolya, Kolya...

Grant me the last word!

Comrades judges. Old age is no joy.

The soul of a person remains young, even though no one notices it except for them.

That?s why it?s unfair to write off a person just like that.

Just because they're getting old.

Nikolai Sergeevitch, it's getting late.

Are you sleeping here tonight or heading home?

The age of a person isn?t measured in years.

Happiness can find people at any age.

The most important thing is to believe that you?re still young,

and then all will be well.