Grace Quigley (1984) - full transcript

[police siren wailing]

[cheerful orchestral music]

[car honks]

[cars honking]

[cars honking]

[radio announcer]
...on a breezy spring day.

Good morning, Oscar.

Did you sleep well, Oscar?

-[doorbell rings]
-Oh...

Well, it wasn'’t okay with me.

-Terrible night.
-[doorbell rings]



Good morning, Mr. Argo.

How are you this morning?

-Come for the rent.
-Of course you did.

I know you didn'’t come
for cultural exchange.

Got it or not?

I have it, Mr. Argo.

I went right down
to the Social Security office

after you left yesterday.

It took me all afternoon

but they finally came through
with the payment.

Next month, I want it on time.

No excuses.

They said
they would try, Mr. Argo.

Oh, I don'’t care about "they".
That'’s your problem.



I don'’t need the aggravation.

Three days late this month,

a week last month.

When Mr. Kaplan
owned the building

they would sometimes be
three weeks late,

and he never complained.

Kaplan was a schmuck.

Mr. Kaplan was a lovely man,
Mr. Argo.

That'’s why he went bankrupt.

Listen, if you'’re
not happy here...

I'’m not sure that I'd be happy
anywhere these days, Mr. Argo.

But I did find
this room bearable

these past eight years

before you became landlord.

If you wanna leave,
just let me know.

I can rent this place tomorrow
for what you pay.

I have a lease, Mr. Argo.

And I intend to stay.

Okay, but the animal'’s
got to go.

-What animal?
-That parrot.

[parakeet chirping]

It'’s a parakeet.

And it'’s a bird, not an animal.

It'’s a pet, ain't it?

-Yes.
-Then it'’s got to go.

No animals, no pets.

That'’s in your lease.

If Oscar goes, I go.

Fine, Mrs. Quigley.

You have 30 days
to find a new apartment.

[parakeet chirps]

Shut up, Oscar!

Oh, dear...

not that much.

Terrible man.

What a happier place
this world would be

without horrible people
like that Mr. Argo.

Get the hell off my car.

[silencer gunshot]

Oh...

Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, no!

[rock music]

[gasps]

[music ends]

[woman sings in German]

[pop rock music]

Damn it!

[music continues]

Oh!

[parakeet chirping]

Wish me luck, Oscar.

[parakeet chirps]

[ringing]

Yeah?

My name is Grace Quigley.

You see the sign?

It says no soliciting.
It'’s against the law.

So is murder.

I'’m quite alone, Mr. Flint.

Um...

Couldn'’t you...

open a window... or something?

I wasn'’t expecting company.

Or spray yourself.

Here, lady.
Here's your fresh air.

[Grace] Thank you.

Are you a professional
or an amateur?

Professional or amateur what?

A professional
or amateur murderer?

Let'’s not waste time, Mr. Flint.

I saw you commit the act.

-Act?
-The act of eradicating

that poor, horrible man.

I was sitting
in front of my building

Waiting to go apartment hunting
thanks to him.

Thanks to you, I won'’t have to,

but I witnessed the whole thing.

-Yeah?
-I'’m not here

to turn you in, Mr. Flint,

even though I don'’t appreciate
criminal types.

I'’m here...

-because I need your services.
-Yeah?

I want someone killed,
Mr. Flint.

And I think
you'’re the man to do it.

-Why me?
-[Grace] Because you are

the only murderer I know,

and you certainly did
a competent job on Mr. Argo.

Yeah.

[Grace]
How much do you charge

to give someone the rub

or whatever it'’s called
in your profession?

Well, ma'am... I think

if someone was in the profession
that you say I'’m in,

they'’d probably charge five
to twenty thousand a hit,

depending on the circumstances.

That much?

How much would you expect to pay

if you found a professional?

Well, wait just a minute.

There'’s 218 dollars

and 15, 16, 17 cents.

Don'’t treat a professional
like an amateur.

You might hurt their feelings.

It'’s every cent
I have in the world, Mr. Flint.

Ma'am, for 218 dollars
and 17 cents,

you can'’t get a professional

even to break a man'’s finger,
let alone make a hit.

I'’m not trying
to blackmail you, Mr. Flint.

Blackmail is against the law.

But couldn'’t you give me...

a special price

for being so considerate
about the police?

I appreciate that.

But a hit is never easy
and it'’s always dangerous.

2,000 is the lowest I can go.

Supposing the victim cooperates?

Cooperates?

-I don'’t get it.
-[Grace] It'’s very simple.

I'’ll try to raise the money

if you'’ll agree to do it
for 1,000,

and I'’ll cooperate
in every way I can.

You see... I'’m the victim.

[Dr. Herman]
Crazy, crazy, crazy!

[Flint] That'’s what I thought.

But she'’s not crazy.

She'’s just a little old lady
that'’s tired of the rat race.

Hell, when she told me
her problems,

I don'’t blame her
for wanting to go.

Only I didn'’t want to be
the one that sends her.

-So what did you do?
-Well... I told her

to raise 1,000,
I'’d see if I could help her out.

Help her out? Help her out?
Or do her in?

Come on, doc.
I don t wanna hurt her.

She'’s got class.

Seymour, one week you tell me,

"I don'’t want
to hurt anybody, doc!"

The next week
you come in here

and you tell me
who you killed.

That'’s nuts, craziness.

You see how mixed up you are?

Yeah, I know how mixed up I am.

That'’s why I pay you
75 dollars an hour, to unmix me.

Wait a minute. Sit down.
Let'’s set the record straight.

You came to me
because you had

psychosomatically-caused
heartburn and nosebleeds,

and what else?
What else, huh? Huh?

Shooting pains
in your right arm.

Let'’s not forget
the right arm, pal.

The arm which you needed
to practice your profession.

How long did it take us before
those shooting pains were gone?

-I don'’t remember.
-Three weeks

of intensive analysis
and those pains were gone

and you went back to work.
Remember that?

Yeah. I remember I never had
a headache in my life

since then, headaches.

Like shooting pains,
only in the head.

Shhh, shhh,
all right, all right.

There'’s a little tension here.
A little tension here.

It'’s okay. Take a deep breath.

-Come on, take a deep breath.
-[inhales deeply]

Exhale. Let the head go.

Let it roll.

Let it roll back.

Shake the arms out.

[both murmuring]

Good, good.

Now, Seymour, sit down.

If you remember at the time
we agreed that your arm

was more important
than your head

because you needed your arm
to practice your profession.

Of course, at the time,

you didn'’t tell me
what you did for a living

and that
was very naughty of you.

Anyway, three weeks
of intensive analysis,

I cured the arm.

Now, some things

take a little more time
than others.

If you want the heartburn
and the nosebleeds

and the headaches to stop,

then you just have to accept

what you are. A killer.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Flint, I'’ve got it!

[Flint]
I can'’t talk to you now.

But, Mr. Flint,

[stutters] we must talk.

[Flint] Call me tomorrow!

[telephone rings]

-Hello?
-[Grace] Mr. Flint?

Mrs. Quigley,
I told you yesterday

I was in bed with the flu.

Call me in a few days.

Uh, hello, Helen. It'’s Flint.
I need some treatment.

Will you send someone
right away?

Yeah, again.
Why? You complaining?

Yeah, all right. Make it
as soon as you can, will you?

No, for Christ'’s sake, not Mary.

What about that little girl,
you know, what'’s her name?

Ah... Yeah, that'’s it. Muriel.
Yeah, thanks, Helen.

Tell her to make it
as soon as she can. Bye.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings repeatedly]

Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

You do look terrible.

Now, listen. I told you...

[Grace]
Yes, I know. And you look it.

-You should be in bed.
-[pots clanging]

That'’s where I was going.

-[Grace] Then go, go, go.
-Oh...

Hmm-mmm...

Look, ma'am, I don'’t need
the chicken soup bit.

This is not chicken soup.

It'’s my own recipe,

guaranteed to put you
back on your feet

by morning.

Well, I'’m on my feet now,
and I'’d really appreciate it

if you'’d just leave.

I have every intention
of leaving

as soon as you get back
into bed and finish this.

As your future employer,
I have a right to be concerned

about your health.
Sit down, Mr. Flint.

Sit down.

You have to take care
of yourself

so that you can take care of me.

Now, drink up.

Young man, do you realize

what an important profession
you'’re in?

It'’s just a job.

No, drink it all.

Well, you'’re modest,
that'’s understandable.

I'’m sure a great many people

would consider you
a despicable character.

I know I would

in... in the past.

Now I feel privileged
to know you.

-Yeah?
-Yes.

Truly. Yes.

It'’s almost as if I had

a new lease on life

now that I can look forward
to my death

by a professional killer.

You see, I tried it twice
on my own.

The first time about a year
after George died.

The doctors discovered
a problem with my heart,

ordered complete bed rest.

I started running
up and down stairs,

doing exercises,
overdoing everything,

just got
healthier than ever.

No heart problems since.

The second time, about, um...
three years ago.

Pills.

They found me,
pumped out my stomach.

I never want to go
through that again.

In fact, after that experience

I knew that
I would never have the courage

to try to kill myself again.

And then you came into my life.

What can I say but thank you?

I ain'’t done nothing yet.

Oh, Mr. Flint. You'’ve already
given me a priceless gift.

The dignity of making
my own choice

as to whether
I want to live or die.

Ma'am, most people think
I'’m some kind of an animal.

Then you'’ve dealt
with the wrong kind of people.

It'’s all point of view,
isn'’t it?

To most people,
the act your perform

is going to be called murder.

To me, it'’s an act of mercy.

And if I were
a more orthodox person, I'’d say,

"Bless you."

Now, you lie down.

I'’ll leave my address
on your hall table.

I want you to be at my house
at noon tomorrow.

And the 1,000 dollars
we agreed on

will be paid to you in full.

Go to sleep now.

You'’ll be all better
in the morning.

-[Flint] Mrs. Quigley.
-Yes?

You'’re a nice lady.

But once I take your money,
I'’m committed. Think about that.

There'’s nothing to think about,
Mr. Flint.

I'’ve never felt more certain
of anything in my life.

[Muriel mumbles]

I beg your pardon.

Oh, hello.

I'’m Muriel.

Is Seymour Flint in?

He'’s sick. He can't see anyone.

Oh, really?

That'’s right.

He'’s in bed.

Shall we go?

Are you Seymour'’s girlfriend?

Kind of.

Sometimes.

Are you Seymour'’s mother?

He'’s the only son I have
at the moment.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

[Grace] Tell me, Muriel,
what do you do for a living?

-I turn tricks.
-Marvelous!

I used to do tricks myself
when I was younger.

-Really?
-[laughs] Oh, sure.

I bet I could have
taught you a few.

Now of course, I'’m too old.

I don'’t have my contacts in,

but you don'’t look that old.

Then you must be legally blind.

But very sweet.
Would you like to come

to a party tomorrow night?

What kind of a party?

A surprise party for Seymour.

It sounds weird.

Okay, maybe I'’ll come.

-"Maybe I'’ll come."
-[both laugh]

[tires screech]

[doorbell rings]

You'’re late.

You'’re lucky I showed up at all.

I spent the sickest night
of my life

thanks to your health brew.

Yes, it does have
a cleansing effect.

Come on in.
Let me take your hat.

[Flint] I see you'’re busy.
I'’ll come back another time.

[Grace] It'’s all right.
We can talk

in front of Mr. Jenkins.

-No, we can'’t.
-But we have to.

He'’s part of the deal.

He'’s part of the deal?

Yes.

I told Mr. Jenkins
all about you.

But of course,

he wanted to see you
for himself,

be sure of all the details
before he commits.

Could you explain your line
of work to Mr. Jenkins,

just for the record?

I got nothing to say.
Now, I'’m just here to listen.

Do you understand?

Harvey,
why don'’t you tell Mr. Flint

what you have in mind?

Well...

I... I...

I can'’t stand pain

so it has to be painless

and I'’d like to look
like I went out natural

'’cause I've got
some relatives in Iowa

that might be upset
if they thought

I'’d met with a violent end.

Yeah.

Also...

I'’d appreciate it
if you could do it

after next Tuesday

but before next Friday.

Uh... Tuesday
I get my pension check

and on Friday
I have to pay my rent.

I'’d hate to pay
for an extra month,

and I'’d like to send the money
to a friend who needs it.

Is that asking too much?

Don'’t worry, Harvey.
He'’ll do it.

And I'’ll see to it

that he does it
exactly as ordered.

Thank you both.

You'’re quite welcome, Harvey.

[Flint] Look, what
are you trying to do to me?

Why don'’t you just
turn me over to the cops?

[Grace]
I wouldn'’t do that, Mr. Flint.

I need you.

[Flint] Listen, if you go around
telling everybody

what kind of job I do,

I ain'’t gonna be no use
to nobody, except the state.

Why are you bringing
the old man in this?

Because I knew that Mr. Jenkins

would be happy
to pay 2,000 dollars

for his own painless demise,

and that would cover the cost
for both of us.

It was the only way
I could get the money.

And...

here it is!

The first payment.

One thousand dollars.

That'’s for Mr. Jenkins.

I'’ll give you the second
thousand for myself

after I make sure
that Mr. Jenkins

is relieved of his burdens
according to his specifications.

I don'’t like it.

What... The money? It'’s real,

-you can see for yourself.
-I don'’t like the whole deal.

I don'’t like the whole setup.

-But you agreed...
-No, I didn'’t agree

to kill the old man.
Maybe I don'’t want to.

Why?

Didn'’t you like him?

Maybe that'’s the point.

He'’s a nice old man.

It doesn'’t make my job
any easier

to sit down
and have a friendly chat

with people I gotta do
a job on, do you understand?

Why should Mr. Jenkins
have to suffer

just because he'’s nice?

Now look, my job is tough enough

-without getting emotionally--
-Exactly!

Don'’t think of it as a job.

Think of it as a favor
to a nice old man.

A good deed
that you'’re getting paid for.

Seymour...

take the money.

Fine. Now, I want you to come
to dinner this evening.

I'’m busy.

[Grace] Please.

Please, come. It'’s important.

Afterwards we can sit down
with Mr. Jenkins

and discuss
the best way to do the job.

Now look, I told you,
I really don'’t like

sitting down
and having little chats

with people I got a contract on,
you understand?

Have our little chats
been so terrible?

Please come.

Okay, what the hell?

Wonderful! Also,
I see you ride a motorcycle.

I wish you wouldn'’t,

-they'’re too dangerous.
-Yeah.

You have to take care
of yourself, Mr. Flint.

-Yeah.
-There are people

-depending on you.
-Yeah.

[parakeet chirping]

[chuckles]
It certainly is, Oscar.

I can'’t remember
when I'’ve been this excited

or felt so... alive!

[chuckling]

[Flint] Hey, hey!

Hey Luis, the flowers any good

for dinner
with a little old lady?

[Luis] My man,
so good you could eat them.

-How much?
-For you, two dollars.

I thought flowers were only good
for funerals.

[soft classical music]

[muffled chatter]

[doorbell rings]

How good of you to be on time.

Over here.
We'’re going to have dinner

in Mr. Jenkins'’ apartment.

Oh, look, flowers.

How sweet of you.

Come on.

The guest of honor!

The guest of honor.

Thank you for accepting the job
of sending us home.

-Now, you must...
-I'’m very anxious to meet you.

-I'’m Emily Watkins.
-[Grace] Yes, Emily.

Thank you very much.

I'’d like you to come over here
and say hello.

I want you to meet
a few of our friends,

-Sam Pincus.
-Happy to be included.

-[Grace] And Homer...
-This is an unexpected blessing.

I'’m Homer Morrison.

And here are our two ladies.

Sara Hodgkins.

Sara'’s deaf. So is her cat.

-[cat meows]
-And Dorothy Trugert.

I'’m just blind in one eye,
Mr. Flint.

Fine.

[Emily] Uh, Mr. Flint?

Uh, uh, let'’s just say

we'’re all charter members
of the same club.

[Grace] Yes, that'’s one way
of putting it.

Ready and willing members,
Mr. Flint.

Fine.

[Jenkins] All right, everyone.
He'’s the man.

♪ For he'’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he'’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he'’s a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

What the hell is all this?

It'’s Mr. Jenkins'
going away party.

If it'’s his going away party,
why am I the guest of honor?

Who the hell are these people?

What have you told them
about me?

Simply that Mr. Jenkins
is going home this weekend

and you'’re the man responsible
for sending him there.

[doorbell rings]

I'’ll go. Stop worrying.

Muriel! Come in, come in.

I miss anything yet?

[Muriel]
Nice turnout. Where'’s Seymour?

[Grace] Oh, in here somewhere
having a good time.

-[gasps]
-Thanks for opening

the window, Mr. Flint.

-Yeah.
-Er...

Would you like meeting
a few more of my friends?

Look, pop. I'’d appreciate it

if you didn'’t throw my name
around here, all right?

I'’m sorry. But it's okay.
I haven'’t told anybody.

[Grace] Mr. Flint?

Mr. Flint?

-Ah!
-Hey, Seymour!

Harvey, I want you to meet
Mr. Flint'’s girlfriend,

-Muriel.
-Hi.

Are you Seymour'’s daddy?

[laughs] No, no.

This is Mr. Jenkins,

-our host.
-Oh.

Well, hi, anyway.

[Grace]
It'’s all right, Harvey.

Mr. Flint doesn'’t mind

if you shake her hand.

Glad you could join us,
Miss Muriel.

You'’re...

Do you mind if I say
she'’s very pretty?

Do you mind if we leave?
Let'’s go.

-But I just got here.
-It'’s the best time to go.

I'’m sorry if I offended you,
Mr. Flint.

I didn'’t mean anything bad
when I said she was pretty.

No, it'’s all right, pop.
We just have to go, that's all.

Mr. Flint, you have
a contractual obligation

to stay here.

I was just gonna break out
the champagne.

No kidding!

Imported or domestic?

Napa Sonoma Mendocino.

Sounds fantastic!

Seymour, how can you just
walk out and not try that?

I don'’t drink.
You coming with me?

She can'’t.
She'’s promised to stay

and show us how she does tricks.

I sure would like to try some
of that Napa Sonoma whatever.

Can'’t you wait, Seymour?

[Jenkins] I'’ll get her
the champagne.

No, no. Let me.

Why don'’t you take Seymour
to the bathroom instead?

-That'’s a fun idea. Can I come?
-[Flint snaps his fingers]

They have to talk. Come on.

Okay.

Look, I work alone.

So it'’ll be done exactly
like you wanted it done.

I just wanted to make it easier.

I appreciate that,
but if you make it too easy,

I might get careless.

You wouldn'’t want that,
would you?

Oh no. You do it
your way then.

I have every confidence
in you.

[grunts]

Yeah, well.

Now look, pop...

I'’ve never done this before,

but how would you feel if I said

you could still
change your mind?

Maybe I'’d even give you
your money back.

Oh, I'’d feel terrible.

After this party, I could never
face my friends again

if I were alive.

Why would a man like you,
with all these friends,

wanna get himself killed?

Truth is...

all my life I'’ve...

really always been very shy
around people.

I guess I...
tried to make up for that

by making as many friends
as I could.

You know, doing
nice little things for them.

I'’m not too strong anymore

and I just about
run out of money.

Pretty soon I won'’t be able

to do much of anything
for anyone.

I had thought
maybe my family would care

but all they wanted to do

was send me
to a little furnished room

where I could die
in front of a TV set.

That'’s too slow, Mr. Flint.

Too painful and too lonely.

So...

Thanks again for helping me out.

It'’s your funeral.

[guests laugh and chatter]

[laughter]

Muriel is going
to do her tricks.

Quiet, everyone.

Silence please.

Muriel is ready to begin.

I'’ll cue you
for the music, okay?

Now all I need
is two strong men.

You... and you.

Me?

Music, please.

Just around the table.

["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
by Tchaikovsky]

-[Muriel hums]
-[guests gasps]

Disgusting.

Hello.

[Muriel chuckles]

[laughing]

[Muriel] Your hand.

[laughing]

[Muriel moans]

-Oh!
-[guests gasp]

[Muriel hums]

[Muriel sighs]

["Russian Dance" by Tchaikovsky]

[men gasp]

[laughing]

[Muriel] Oh!

-[Muriel] Whee!
-Yeah!

Come on, Seymour!

Whoo!

Whoo!

[Muriel laughs]

Whee! Whee!

Whoo!

[Muriel shouts]

-[guests clap]
-[Muriel] Thank you.

Take my advice, Seymour.

Marry her.

You'’ll have a lot of fun.

I don'’t know what to tell you,
Harvey, except to be patient.

Thank you, Harvey.
That'’s very good.

But Grace, it'’s Thursday,

and Mr. Flint didn'’t call

or come over on Tuesday
like he said he would.

Harvey, stop worrying.

You sit down here.

I have every confidence
that Mr. Flint

is going to come through with
something wonderful for you.

And you won'’t be
with us tomorrow.

Stop worrying.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

I'’m sorry,
you have the wrong number.

[doorbell rings]

[suspenseful music]

Coming, Mr. Flint.

[doorbell rings]

Now remember,
nothing painful.

[doorbell rings]

[Muriel] Hi.

Flint sent me.

[Muriel laughs]

Oh my.

Drive. Please drive!

What the hell's the matter?
Did you give him the money?

I never had a chance to.

He took one look at me
and keeled over dead.

Well, are you sure?
We'’ll call an ambulance.

I'’m sure, I'm sure!

His eyes were open

and he had
a funny smile on his face.

Come on, Seymour!
Let'’s get out of here.

[tires screech]

[telephone rings]

-Yes?
-Listen, call an ambulance

and check on Jenkins.
I think he might be dead.

Bless you, Seymour.
Bless you.

Bless me?

[Grace]
Doesn'’t he look wonderful?

Look at that smile.

It'’s his own.
They didn'’t put that on him.

He obviously went
with no pain at all.

There are absolutely
no signs of violence.

He does look happy, doesn'’t he?

Yes.

I can hardly wait.

Well, yes.
I think I know what you mean.

No more worries.

That'’s right, Emily.

No more worries.

I hope.

[Flint] Jenkins died

of a heart attack.

How clever of you.

Look, ma'am,
why don'’t you just take

your thousand dollars back,
go on a little vacation

and reconsider your plans
for dying?

Oh! I don'’t want
to die now, Seymour.

And I certainly don'’t want
to take a vacation.

Thanks to you.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

Now I have a reason for living.

Helping others
to find the peace and happiness

that you so beautifully brought
to Mr. Jenkins.

-Yeah.
-Now if you'’d agree

to a special group rate,

we could really make a killing.

I already have
five people lined up.

Five people?

Some of the guests at the party.

I took them to see Harvey'’s body

and they were very impressed

with your work, Mr. Flint.

I think your nose is bleeding.

You mean, you told them
that I killed Mr. Jenkins?

I told them that you
could give them the same relief

from their misery

-that you gave to--
-No, I can'’t!

Muriel and I
are getting married.

I'm retiring.

Seymour, you can'’t retire.

Not when people
need you so much.

Look, lady. I know what I am.

A killer and a bum.

That is what you were, Seymour.

But not what you are.

I'’m getting out
of this lousy business.

So don'’t kid me, Mrs. Quigley.

Seymour, anything that does good
in the world is not lousy.

Only evil is lousy.

And evil may have been
what you were

but not what you'’re going to be.

Seymour, I have an idea.
Come with me.

[Flint] I feel like a phony.

It'’s easier this way.

Lots of us are gonna wind up
in places like this, Seymour.

-It'’s inevitable.
-Nightview?

Were you in the war,
Mr. Flint?

[Flint] Where do you think
I learned my profession?

[Grace] Then you'’re entitled
to the benefits

of a place like this.

Thank you.

You know, I'’ve never known
any old people before.

[Grace chuckles]

Neither had I

until one day
I looked around

and discovered I was one.

I guess I can do a lot of people
some good, can'’t I?

I told you, Seymour.

Think of yourself as a doctor.

A doctor saves the lives
of those who want to live.

You take the lives
of those who want to die.

Seymour, listen to me.

Those five people
who need your services

are all lovely people.

They need your help
and your talent

to free them of their misery.

Seymour, listen to me.
I was a good mother.

I never told any of my children
to do anything wrong

and I wouldn'’t tell you.
So be a good boy, Seymour.

Help them, kill them.

[Flint sighs]

Five people. That'’s heavy.

You can do it, Seymour.

I'’ll need your help,
Mrs. Quigley.

Mrs. Quigley...

[laughs]

You sound so formal.

What should I call you?

Seymour,

would you mind calling me Mom?

Okay.

Mom.

It'’s been so long
since anyone called me that.

Well, here we are.
This is it.

[Flint]
This is Morrison'’s place?

He'’s got a nice house.
Why would he want to...?

Poor man.

He'’s been so despondent

since the death of his wife
six months ago.

He'’s looking forward
to joining her.

There you are, my dears.

Here we are, Mr. Morrison.

Are you going
to do something now?

Oh...

What great looking cars!
Do they run?

-Perfectly.
-May I...?

Yes, of course. Of course.

This one was my wife'’s,
and that was mine.

We used to race.

-[laughs]
-And they both still work?

They purr like kittens.

[doorbell rings]

-Emily.
-Ah, hi.

I'’m sorry. I just got a call
from my daughter.

Your daughter, Emily?

Yes, Grace, my daughter.

She wants to see me next week.

So I'’m going
to have to pass for now.

I haven'’t seen her
in over a year.

Whatever you wish, dear.

But you do realize
that the group rate

may not be available later.

I'’ll just have to take
my chances.

Emily is not going to be
with us this evening.

I'’m sorry,
but I'’m sure you understand.

[Emily] My daughter.

[Grace]
Emily, I'’m sure that the group

is most sympathetic.

But you must swear

never to tell anyone
about our solution.

It could only cause
embarrassment

to the memory
of everyone here,

as well as to myself
and Mr. Flint.

[Emily] I'’ll never tell anyone.

It'’s such a wonderful service

and I want to thank you

for the opportunity
to participate.

Have a nice evening.

[engine starts]

-[engine stops]
-Oh...

[Grace] I want to assure
all of you

that you have no need
to worry or to be afraid,

and if you want
to change your mind,

now is the time to do it,
and your money will be refunded.

-Any questions?
-No questions. Just...

-peace.
-No questions either.

No questions at all.

Not a single question.

Now...

I'’m going to disappear
for a minute.

Have a little chat
with our friend, Mr. Flint.

In the meantime, Homer,

why don'’t you play
another song for them?

-Delighted.
-What about "Irish Eyes"?

Aye...

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure is
Like the morn in spring ♪

♪ In the lilt ♪

-♪ Of Irish laughter ♪
-Wonderful. Charming.

-♪ You can hear ♪
-Now keep singing...

-♪ The angels sing ♪
-...until I get back.

♪ When Irish eyes are happy ♪

♪ All the world
Seems bright and gay ♪

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure they'll steal
Your heart away... ♪

Seymour.

They'’re ready.

-Go wait in the car, Mom.
-Are you sure that I...?

Just go wait in the car.

-Okay?
-Very well, son. Very well.

[clears throat]

♪ The morn in spring... ♪

[engine rumbling]

[engine starts]

Oh... kittens.

♪ There'’s a tear in your eye ♪

♪ And I'’m wondering why ♪

♪ For it never should be
There at all ♪

♪ With such power in your smile
Sure a stone you'’d beguile... ♪

-What now?
-We wait.

That'’s all?

That'’s all.

♪ Is like a morn in spring ♪

[laughter]

♪ In the lilt
Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ In the lilt
Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear... ♪

They sing prettily, don'’t they?

[voices fading] ♪ All the world
Is bright and gay♪

♪ And when Irish eyes ♪

[Sarah singing alone]
♪ Are smiling ♪

[silence]

But Seymour...

there'’s another verse.

Not this time, Ma.

Oh...

May I put something
on your bulletin board?

-Go ahead. Who cares?
-Thank you.

-[Grace] May I...?
-Go ahead.

[Grace clears her throat]

-May I?
-Suit yourself.

[Grace] You haven'’t a thing
to worry about.

Good morning, everyone. Next.

Grace, you'’ve got to see me
right now.

But...

All right, Emily. Patience.

-Patience.
-[people complain]

Busy, busy, busy.

I want to sign up again.

And this time I mean it.

My daughter only wanted
to borrow money, you see.

That disappearing daughter?

-Are you suggesting she...?
-I'’m not suggesting anything.

Do sit down.

I just, umm...

I just have to warn you

that because
of the risk involved,

our fees now start
at 1,000 dollars,

but because of our friendship,

you only have to pay 750.

I'’ll pay. How long will I have
to wait for treatment?

There are eight people
ahead of you.

My associate
is on his honeymoon,

so you'’ll have to be patient.

In the meantime,

you might find comfort
in attending the funeral

or our four friends
from the Morrison house.

They'’re all going to be buried

in the same cemetery
this Saturday.

I better not.
I'’m afraid I'd feel jealous.

As you wish.

I know someone else'’s funeral
is not the same as one'’s own.

But it'’s going to be
a gala affair.

I'’ll think about it.

Hello, Ma.
Just got back in town.

Decided to cut
the honeymoon short.

No, no, no.
Muriel doesn'’t mind.

She understands
that people need me.

Look. Could you take a cab
and meet me at my place?

I'’ll be right over.
I have a lot to tell you.

Sorry everyone.

That'’s it for today.

Pass these around for me,
will you?

After I'’ve gone, I want you
to all have directions

to our presentation this week

of four satisfied customers.

You can bring your friends
if you like.

-Don'’t miss it.
-[people groan]

Taxi!

Taxi!

13304 Riverside, please, driver.
And hurry.

Anything you say, lady.
You know the way?

-No, don'’t you?
-Sure I do.

I even know a shortcut.

[radio] Rudy, tell my old lady
I want dinner on the table...

-[Grace] Driver.
-...when I knock off at seven.

And get a six-pack, okay?

Are you sure
that this is the right way?

You say I'’m giving you
the run-around, lady?

Well, Mr. Putnam,

your shortcut has already taken
15 minutes longer than the bus.

Lady, just get off my back,
will you?

The traffic'’s awful bad. Jesus.

[car honking]

[driver] Blow it out your ass!

Here we are, lady.
I told you we'’d make it.

-It'’s $9.80 on the meter.
-Oh, dear.

I'’m afraid
I only have a twenty.

The hell you think I am?
The Federal Reserve?

Well, you stay here.

I'’ll go and get it changed.

I'’m not falling for that.

I ain'’t getting stuck
with no $9.80 tab.

Why don'’t you just leave me
something as a deposit

so I make sure you come back?

Take my watch.

Junk. It'’s worth two bucks.

Why don'’t you come with me then?

Why don'’t you just leave me
your shoe?

My shoe?

That'’s right, your shoe.

That'’s something I figure
you'’ll come back for.

Hey, Granny.

I keep the meter running,
so don'’t be too long, okay?

Don'’t slam the...

door.

[doorbell rings]

Hello, there.

Could you give me two tens?

A pig of a taxi driver
wouldn'’t change this twenty.

-Where'’s Seymour?
-He'’s in the shower.

Oh, thanks.

Mom, you look shorter
than I remember you.

What?

Oh. [chuckles] Thank you.

Hey, sugar!

[Grace] Mr. Putnam.

Change, please.

Lady, it was $9.80 on the meter.

Change, please.

Here'’s ten cents.

There'’s twenty cents.

Thank you.

Sorry I took your shoe, lady.

What I should have took
was your foot.

Hey! My shoe!

My...

[doorbell rings]

-Come in, Ma.
-Thank you.

Where'’s he?

Where'’s he?

-Mom!
-Oh. Hello.

I'’ve never been so anxious
to get back to work in my life.

Good, good.

Would you mind
going into the bedroom

so Mom and I can talk?

-Feeling better?
-Oh, yes. Yes.

No headaches, no nosebleeds.

-It'’s only because of you, Mom.
-Umm.

What happened to your shoe?

Stolen.

In broad daylight.

-My best pair.
-Oh, gee. It'’s terrible, Mom.

All right. So what do you got
lined up for work?

I already have
ten people lined up.

Great. Who are they?
What are their problems?

They all meet
the necessary qualifications,

that is, except for one.

I'’d like you to throw him
as a favor to me.

-Who'’s that?
-A man named Max Putnam.

I'’ll get his address.

He'’s a cab driver.

I think it'’d be a better
world with him dead.

What does Max Putnam think?

I haven'’t asked him.

He probably wouldn'’t agree.

Well, what did he do?

He took my shoe.

-What?
-He took my shoe!

You want me to kill somebody
because they took your shoe?

Seymour, it was my best shoe.

Mom, you'’re asking me
to commit murder.

Son, I may ask you to kill,

but I would never ask
you to murder.

Call it "pest control."

-Ma...
-It'’s not funny, Seymour.

[Dr. Herman]
Don'’t be so disillusioned.

People are people,

and all people
are subject to corruption.

Not her. She'’s a good lady.

Listen, doc.
Don'’t you call her corrupt!

Only I can call her corrupt.

What are you feeling right now?
Put it in your own words.

Hum? Hum?

All right, let the head go.

Let'’s loosen it up,
roll it around.

Take the deep breath.

-[both exhale]
-Okay, Seymour,

you have developed
what we call a mother fixation.

That'’s why you're so upset.

-I never had a mother before.
-Exactly.

Grace has become the mother
that you never had.

What has she done?
She'’s allowed you to continue

in the profession
of your choice

by convincing you
that your skills

are now being used
for humane reasons.

She'’s removed
all sense of guilt

-connected with your job.
-I never felt guilty

before I met her.
For Christ'’s sake, doc.

It was just a job.
It was a job I was good at.

Cut it out, Seymour!
Cut it out!

Okay? You and I both know

there is a certain amount
of guilt

connected with your profession.
You can deny it.

But it'’s my job
to make you realize

that you have feelings
of guilt.

Once you realize
that you feel guilty,

then you don'’t have
to feel guilty anymore.

You know, doc?

I never realized it before.

But lately,
since I met that old lady,

I think you'’re right.

I was feeling guilty
about something all these years.

Breakthrough.

Bravo, bravo.

[beeping]

Whoops, that'’s the hour,
Seymour.

But I'’m telling you
that'’s wonderful progress.

Wonderful, wonderful.
Now don'’t worry about it.

We'’re gonna work it out
next session.

There'’s nothing wrong with guilt
once you admit it.

Wait a minute. I don'’t like it.
Let'’s work it out.

Wait. You know
the ground rules.

There'’s a patient out there.

Would you like to wait
if you'’ve got a problem?

Yeah, but I'’m in here
with a problem.

I finally realized
after all these years

I feel guilty about something,
but I don'’t know about what.

I think you owe this lady
a giant debt of gratitude.

She'’s put you in touch
with your conscience.

Doc, she'’s getting corrupted.

You said so yourself.
And I'’m corrupting her.

There'’s give and take
in everything, Seymour.

Let'’s go.

Let'’s go. Wonderful progress.

[Grace] Hmm-mm.

Good morning, Dr. Herman.

[clears throat]

I'’m Grace Quigley.

Seymour spoke
so highly of you,

I thought perhaps you could help
me with a problem.

My fee is 75 dollars an hour.
Can you afford that?

I'’ll pay it.

Now what seems to be
the problem?

Dr. Herman,

I love Seymour like a son.

And yet in these last few days

I'’ve been having
these terrible thoughts

about turning him in
to the police.

When did these thoughts
first come to you?

The other day,

when I asked him
to do me a simple favor.

And he refused. I...

I talked to him like a mother

but he doesn'’t listen to me
like a son.

Mrs. Quigley,
wouldn'’t it be a shame

if Seymour
had to go to jail now?

It would put an end
to your humanitarian enterprise.

So far I haven'’t done anything,
except to write a letter.

What kind of a letter,
Mrs. Quigley?

Well, a letter

explaining my dealings
with Mr. Flint.

In case anything
unpleasant should happen to me.

I'’ve asked a friend
to forward it

to the district
attorney'’s office.

[clears throat] Mrs. Quigley,
I'’d strongly suggest

that you get that letter back
just as soon as possible.

I think I have
a better solution.

You talk to Seymour.

Tell him how important it is

for a son to listen
to his mother.

Specifically,

I'’d like Mr. Putnam rubbed.

That'’s great. Great!

I thought the old lady
might call me.

I didn'’t feel
like talking to her.

I think that you better
talk to her right now.

And I think that you better
talk very convincingly,

because if the letter
that your nice old lady wrote

ever gets to the district
attorney'’s office,

both of us are going to be
very inconvenienced,

especially you.

Doc.

I think
she was just kidding you.

-Mom wouldn'’t do that to me.
-Well, I suggest

that you call Mom
and you ask her.

Don'’t think just because
you never had a mom

that all moms are perfect.
You should have met mine.

-Yeah, Ma. It'’s Seymour.
-Hi, honey.

-Hi.
-[Dr. Herman] Hi.

Give Ma my love.

[Flint] Ma? Ah...

Dr. Herman stopped by
and mentioned a letter.

I know you were just kidding.

No, I wasn'’t, Seymour.

And I'’m much too tired
to talk about it tonight.

And the funeral'’s tomorrow.

Mrs. Quigley!

[suspenseful music]

[Muriel] Honey,
where are you going?

To a funeral.

[funeral director] Yet who
are we to judge the action

of these four dear friends?

Who are we to say

that this should be
a time of sadness

rather than joy?

For I read to you now,

at his written request,

the words of our dearly departed

Homer Bradley Morrison,

through whose kindness

all the expenses
of today'’s services

have been paid.

"Dear anybody who cares.

Crying for me I don'’t need.

My life mostly has been
pretty good.

But lately not so good.

Life is too beautiful
to walk around dying,

and when dying
is all you think about,

then you'’re better off dead.

So live and be happy everyone.

Flowers are unnecessary.

Donations may be sent
to the antique car wing

-of the Smithsonian.
-[crying]

Thank you, anybody who cares.

Homer Bradley Morrison."

Amen and rest in peace,

Samuel Irving Pincus,

Dorothy Trugert,

Sara Hodgkins,

and her faithful cat, Winnifred,

and Homer Bradley Morrison.

[Emily] Grace!

Grace!

It was so beautiful.
I could hardly stand it.

I'’m glad you enjoyed it, Emily.

I hated it! Every minute of it!

There they were, happy at last.

Their problems solved.

And I could have been with them.
All expenses paid.

-Gang way!
-Oh, oh!

Sorry about that.

He'’s an artist.

Your friend is an artist.

You know that, Grace?

I suppose you'’re right.

I never thought about it
that way.

Grace, when? I have to know.

I can'’t wait. When?

Emily, I am afraid
I cannot tell you that.

But why not?
Why can'’t you tell me?

It seems that the artist
has become temperamental.

Ultimate Solution
may have to suspend operations.

For how long?

[Emily] Grace, for how long?

Indefinitely, I'’m afraid.

But don'’t worry. All deposits

will be immediately refunded
when necessary.

I don'’t want my money.
I want what I paid for.

Grace, is that him?

[Grace] Yes, I think so.

Then hurry.
Let'’s go talk to him.

I'’m not sure that he's
here to talk, Emily.

Mrs. Quigley,
we'’re nearly on our way.

Excuse me, Emily.

Mr. Killer,
I have to talk to you.

[Flint]
Get out of my way, lady.

Please, I'm first.

I made a bad mistake
with my daughter.

I should have been
in there with them.

All expenses paid.

But now I'’m ready.

I'’m first.

It'’s okay. I don't mind.

Do it.

Where are you going? Yoo-hoo!

Mr. Killer!

You can'’t leave me like this.
I paid my deposit!

[driver] Hey, hey! My car!

Get in the car! Come on!

Oh, shit.

Hey!

-I think you...
-Oh, oh!

Hey!

[men complain]

Oh!

Joe, what are you waiting for?
Come on!

Go, go. Come on.

Come on.

Mrs. Quigley, hurry.

Remember your car assignments?

I'’ll come along with you.

Now, get in. Shove over.
Move it!

[tires screech]

[tires screeching]

I beg your pardon.

[folk rock music]

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

[tires screeching]

Oh!

[cars honking]

[cars honking]

In God's name, get started!

[funeral director]
Tim, where are you?

[funeral director complaining]

Step on that!

[tires screeching]

Wasn'’t that Mrs. Watkins
driving that Hearse?

Strong resemblance.

[Grace shrieks]

-Driver!
-Seymour!

Seymour!

Seymour!

Seymour!

[motorcycle crashes]

[gasping]

[funeral director]
Mrs. Quigley.

Mrs. Quigley!

I'’ll get the police!

-Are you all right?
-What difference does it make?

Don'’t you care about
what happens to you?

-No, I never really did.
-Well, I do.

And I certainly
wouldn'’t want to witness

your capture
in front of my very eyes.

Ma, I tried to kill you.

-[police siren]
-Yes, a very sloppy job.

I tried, I just couldn'’t do it.

Why did you do it? I'’ll...
What difference does it make?

We'’ve got to get out of here.

It'’s smoking.

It'’s no use.

The crankcase is busted.
Get off.

-Are you all right?
-Yes.

[tires screeching]

Oh...!

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure is
Like a morn in spring ♪

♪ In the lilt
Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear the angels sing ♪

♪ When Irish hearts are happy ♪

♪ All the world
Seems bright and gay ♪

♪ And when Irish eyes
Are smiling ♪

♪ Sure they'll steal
Your heart away ♪

Looks as if Emily
has got a freebie.

[Grace] That hat.

Emily'’s hat, popping up

and floating off,
floating away.

That was rather sad,
wasn'’t it?

-It'’s what she wanted, Ma.
-Hm.

The lousy cab driver.

Why is he so important to you?

He'’s just a small nothing

in the general mess,
I suppose.

I thought I could help
clean up the universe.

I was wrong, wasn'’t I, son?

You'’re never wrong, Ma.

Well, don'’t let's talk about it.

Let'’s just float along,
like Emily'’s hat.

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily
Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

[Grace screams]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

[Flint] Mom, this is for you.

Seymour, it'’s so late.

I did it, Mom. Putnam's dead.

I did what you wanted. I did it.

Oh, my God!

Seymour, what have you done?

-Oh!
-Oh, that'’s nothing, Ma.

That'’s just
that lousy nosebleeding

that Dr. Herman was gonna cure.

Mr. Putnam.
I told you not to do anything

about Mr. Putnam.

We agreed that you were right
and I was wrong.

I know you didn'’t mean that
when you said that, Mom.

How could I be right
and you be wrong

when you're the one
that taught me the difference

between right and wrong
in the first place?

No, I knew
that Mr. Putnam had to go.

I mean, Ma, you and me,

we got to clean up the universe,
isn't that right, Ma?

You said that. You said
that we just got to clean up

the universe.
Isn'’t it what you said?

I mean, you said we got
to clean up the universe.

-[sobs] Ma... Ma...
-It'’s all right, Seymour.

It'’s all right.
It'’s all right.

-[sobs]
-It wasn'’t your fault.

It'’s all right.

Mom, I don'’t want
to kill anymore.

I just don'’t want
to do it anymore, okay?

[Grace] Don'’t worry, Seymour.

-It wasn'’t your fault.
-[parakeet chirps]

Shut up, Oscar!

And you know
what we can do tomorrow?

We can all go to the beach.
That'’s what we can do.

You, me, and Muriel.

We can even take Oscar.

All of us.

You'’ll feel better then,
you'’ll see.

We'’ll have a happy time.

You'’ll see.

You'’ll see.

[police siren wailing]

[Grace] And lead us
not into temptation.

For Thine is the kingdom

and the power

and the glory

forever and ever.

Amen.

It'’s all my fault, isn't it?

He did it to please me,
the good boy.

He'’ll be better off without me.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'’m... trying to kill myself.

-What do you think?
-I'’ve been looking for you.

-I was worried about you.
-It'’s too late for that.

I don'’t deserve to live.

Nobody does. It just happens.

Seymour,
we'’ve killed an innocent man.

No, no, Ma. Jenkins
and the other people

-they wanted to die.
-Not Mr. Jenkins.

That pig of a taxi driver.

You didn'’t kill him. I did.

But you did it for my sake.

-Maybe he'’s not dead.
-Not dead?

-But you shot him.
-Yes.

But maybe he didn'’t die.

Didn'’t you check?

Seymour.
Where did you shoot him?

-In Brooklyn.
-Ah... No...

Where, where?
In the head? In the chest?

-Where?
-In the cab.

In the cab?

What'’s that supposed to mean?

He was in his cab,
and I aimed, and I missed.

You missed?

Yes, I missed.

But, last night you...

Seymour! I could have
killed myself!

I could be lying dead
down there in the muck!

21 stories, Seymour.

I'’m sorry, Ma.

So am I.

Well...

I guess this is
the end of us.

You don'’t need me anymore.

What, dear?

I just don'’t like shooting
people anymore.

I know what you mean.

Well...

-Let'’s go home.
-Can we?

Hmm-mmm.

[jumbled chatter]

Customers.

Taxi!

[people complain]

Where to?

[both laugh]