Goosed (1999) - full transcript
Jennifer Tilly plays a woman who's told by her psychic that the man of her dreams is a doctor named Steve. Guess who the doctor is?
[light violin music]
RIP-FIXES-SYNC
by VaVooM
[Charlene] Well, Dr. Bowman.
See, I've never really
been in therapy before.
How about I just start
at the beginning?
[footsteps thudding]
[alarm sounding]
Dear diary.
The Nazis are coming.
No, it's worse!
My parents!
[light jazz music]
[Mel] What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're a mashugana.
Hiding in closets,
thinking you're Anne Frank.
[Charlene] I was always trying
to run away from
my oddball family,
but there was no escaping them.
I was inevitably captured
and dragged back
to our bunker in Coney Island.
My friend's mom told me
not to come back.
My mom made sure of it.
I don't want you to associate
with those people.
Understand?
[Charlene] Growing up with a pair
of showbiz parents
wasn't easy, believe me.
I think years of doing shows
in the Catskills
and smoky nightclubs took
its toll on them.
It's no wonder
I ended up in therapy.
If Charlene doesn't kill us,
your driving is going to.
[Mel] Oh, leave me alone.
Don't tell me...
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I know what I'm talking about.
Worst driver I've ever been with
in my whole life, I'll tell you right now.
[Mel] The worst driver...
No, I'm a good driver, oh!
Look what you made me do!
What I made you,
are these hands on the wheel?
Don't tell me
what I made you do!
These hands around your neck,
that's what these hands...
[truck horn honks]
Very nice, in front of your daughter.
Very nice.
[light piano and violin music]
[Charlene] One time my parents
forced me to perform a violin recital
in front of the whole family.
Grandma's double Ds
doubled as a music stand.
I was ridiculed
for my creativity.
Everybody laughed, including
my sisters, Louise and Karen,
and my obnoxious brothers,
Dave and Cliff.
[all laughing]
When Grandma died, which was
in no way related to the violin playing,
my parents came into
a large inheritance.
Silvers, blindfolds off!
Wow!
[Charlene]
Coney Island was behind us,
and my dad bought the most
tasteless mansion in Manhattan.
I told you, Charlene,
there's no firing squad.
[Charlene] When I was told
there were 30 rooms
and 11 and a half bathrooms,
I figured there'd be plenty
of places to hide.
[light jazz music]
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome.
I'm Mrs. Silver.
Now this, of course,
is the living room,
or as I like to call it,
Le Salon.
We like everything
around here immaculate.
I like a clean mansion,
all right?
To begin with,
these are my objects d'arte.
Very rare.
Mang Dynasty.
Soft cloth, no nails, no nails.
Scotchgard,
nothing to worry about here.
Uh-uh!
Only the family on the carpet.
I'm sorry.
Come around this way.
Over here, little objects.
There, of course, is my china.
It is locked.
Nothing to do with you,
but totally counted.
Just in case.
Just in case.
This we found in Transylvania.
This is cleaned with Bab-O
and a soft cloth.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Bab-O.
Do you understand the word?
Bab-O?
Now when you dry it, never rub.
We had a terrible thing happen.
You blow.
[blowing]
[Charlene] As fast as the agency
sent over prospective servants,
my mother would scare them away.
My siblings and I were forced
to do all the cleaning.
Just as I was about to report them
to the Child Welfare Department,
super Lawrence arrived from Haiti,
and we welcomed him with open arms.
[Mel] Hello!
Mr. Silver.
- Ah, welcome, Lawrence.
- Thank you, sir.
What?
Lord have mercy!
Snow!
[Mel laughing]
Snow!
What do you think of
your first snowfall?
It's beautiful, Mr. Silver.
Lawrence!
I'm going to call you that.
Isn't it exciting?
Your first day with us
and your first snowfall.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Did the agency tell you?
I used to be a singer.
[Mel] And a good one, too.
[light piano music]
[laughs]
♪ You made me love you
♪ I didn't wanna do it
And here I am at the
Playboy Club in Akron.
They held me over
six weeks, Lawrence.
Six weeks.
Oh.
And I was opening
for Cookie Combo there.
He thought I was
going to be a star.
And here I am pregnant.
I was married to Mel already.
[crying]
Here I am pregnant.
Oh, ma'am.
You were very pretty.
What do you mean "were"?
She's still gorgeous.
- A rose never loses its bloom.
- Mel!
Sorry, Mr. Silver.
Do you remember that song
from my repertoire about the roses?
- And the tulips.
- That's the one!
♪ You made me sigh for
♪ I didn't wanna do it
[laughs]
♪ I didn't wanna say it
♪ I need your love
Come over here.
[humming]
Come here.
Lawrence, you have to relax.
Right now they are in a Manhattan
nightclub about 20 years ago,
and my mom is on stage singing
to my dad in the audience.
Oh, gross.
Oh, my God.
[Klezmer music]
[Charlene] We were all banished
to summer concentration
camp, Camp Shalom.
For the first time in my life, I had
my freedom, but I felt kind of lonely.
[grunting]
When I first saw Todd DeWitt,
it was love at first sight.
[Todd] It likes to be touched.
[Charlene] Oh!
Todd, stop it!
[laughs]
[Todd] Look at it.
Look at it, it's twitching.
[laughs]
[Charlene] You touch it enough.
I know what you do
in here all alone.
[upbeat rock music]
Ow.
Ouch.
I thought this was
supposed to feel good.
It feels great.
[horn honks]
Well, my parents hated Todd.
It didn't fit in with
their new social status
for me to be dating a boy
who worked in a garage.
My parents' idea of the perfect
boyfriend was Robbie Applebaum.
That's because
his dad was a shrink
and they figured the Applebaum
doesn't fall far from the tree.
A doctor's son was almost
as good as a doctor.
Robbie, look, please
don't be hurt, you know,
but what we're doing here,
it has nothing to do with
any emotional attachment
that I feel towards you.
I know.
You're only doing this
to punish your parents for liking me
just because my dad's a shrink
and we live in Kings Point.
[chuckles]
I get this from girls
all the time.
[upbeat rock music]
The sun is shining,
but it's a black day for me, Lawrence.
No offense.
Charlene is my first child I've
ever had to go to a school for.
Excuse me, Mrs. Silver,
but my oldest brother Edward
once got so drunk that he
actually propositioned a nun.
How tragic for your mother.
Why are you telling me this,
Lawrence?
Because now, darlin',
you feel better,
knowing someone
is worse off than you.
No one's worse off
than I am, Lawrence.
I have stretch marks
that start at my ears.
Did Charlene have your permission
to cut school twice this week
and leave the field trip?
Absolutely not.
She only has my permission to go
to school and do her homework
and shoo the homeless away
from the front of our mansion.
My youngest sister Kathryn
used to cut school
and go drinking
at the 24-hour discotheque
where everyone was naked.
Here in Manhattan?
[Charlene] Now all I wanted
was acceptance.
The school year was starting,
so I decided to go back with a new look.
[upbeat rock music]
I was totally convinced
looking differently
would make me feel differently.
And, oddly enough, it did.
With my mother's wig on my head,
I was self-empowered
and above what everybody
else thought of me.
Marjie Shuler,
who is "Christie Brinkley meets Satan",
snapped me out of that idea.
Hey, your hair
really rings my bell.
Ding dong!
[laughing]
[Blanche] Charlene, you did not eat
your delicious turkey roll.
[Charlene] I'm dieting.
You are not dieting.
You lost your appetite because that
girl pulled you wig off at school
and you are humiliated.
You know, you don't have
to look so happy about it!
Okay?
It was your wig, and she has it!
And I'm never going back
to school!
Mel.
Mel, did you hear
that tone of voice?
Mel?
Mel, would you please tell her not
to speak like that to her mother?
Don't talk to your mother
like that!
[Charlene] Great.
[door slamming]
Now everybody hated me.
It was just one big happy
family united against me.
Except for Lawrence.
He was my only ally.
Lawrence gave me the courage
to stand up for myself.
[light orchestral music]
I sensed the satanic
blonde presence.
[sighs]
The cremation ceremony
for your wig
will be at 3:30
behind the boys' gym.
Will you attend?
Only if your bobby-socks
boobs are fine enough with it!
[laughing]
Bobby-socks boobs!
She has bobby-socks boobs!
Whoo!
I loved Todd.
If only my parents
could have seen it.
I tried reasoning with my dad.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
- Oh.
- Hi.
Do you want some, um,
cookies with your tea?
What tea?
You just talked over it.
I can't drink that now.
Dad, I'm your daughter, okay?
Our germs are related.
It's just tea.
Oy! Ugh!
Get me my eyewash.
Do you have to spit when you talk?
My goodness.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene] Then I tried
reasoning with my mom.
You are forbidden to see
that Flatbush boy ever again!
Lawrence!
They say you people
are excellent athletes.
Go get her for me.
Charlene!
Charlene!
Hold it, child.
Easy.
Take it easy.
All right.
Now good luck, hmm?
And remember, keep your eyes
open and your mouth shut
before your foot can walk in.
Mine has already worn
a path through my mouth.
- It's too late, Lawrence.
- All right.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene] Hi.
Oh, no.
Now what are we gonna do?
Todd, they won't let me see you.
Come inside.
Look, that's just it.
What if your parents
called the police?
Hmm?
The moment we're seen,
I'll be arrested for violating a minor.
Call your parents.
Tell them you're coming home.
What about us, Todd?
I... Charlene, maybe they're right.
Maybe it's for the best.
I can't jeopardize my dream
of one day owning
my dad's gas station.
[kids giggling]
[funk music]
Get in here!
Mother, Father, forgive me,
for I have sinned.
Not good enough, Charlene.
Do you understand me?
Not good enough!
We were worried sick!
I never thought I would live
to see the day
that my own daughter
turned out to be,
close your ears, children, a tramp!
A tramp!
I am ashamed, ashamed to
be seen with you in public.
Go upstairs and don't come
down until you go to college.
Are all my suitcases in?
[Mel] Everything's in.
I have your typewriter.
Okay.
Lawrence!
Lawrence, we're leaving!
Oh, look at you!
- Is that okay?
- Very college.
[laughs]
Okay, all right.
Remember everything
I have told you.
Yeah, I always do.
Eat breakfast no matter what.
It doesn't matter.
Men like a girl with a
little flesh on them.
And promise me, whatever you do,
remember the hitchhiking girl in Boston.
- That man was drunk...
- Hacked off her arms.
He chopped off her arms.
He's free, Charlene.
- Okay, all right.
- Her life was ruined.
She could never eat M&M's.
She could never eat corn
on the cob.
She could never knit anymore.
Be careful.
Okay, I'll be careful!
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye!
Bye!
Bye, Daddy.
Did mother tell you about
the hitchhiker from Boston?
Yeah, yeah, she told me.
- Be careful.
- Okay.
- Wait, where's my typewriter?
- There's your typewriter.
Call!
Call!
- [Charlene Voiceover]
I was free at last.
I was off to college
to pursue my dreams.
It turned out being grounded so much
helped me develop a vivid imagination.
I was convinced I was going to be
the next great American writer.
Bye!
[light orchestral music]
[Charlene] When I first saw Ray,
it was love at first sight.
- Charlene.
- What?
You're like a sports car
parked at the curb.
Even when it sits there,
it still looks fast.
It's my energy.
I've been told I have
an aura of noise about me.
You do.
I'm gonna be the last boyfriend
you'll ever have.
Are you planning to marry me
or kill me?
[knocking on door]
Enter.
Mom, Dad, I'm getting married.
Charlene, I, I didn't even
know you were going with anyone.
Well, I was afraid if I told
you about Ray,
you'd forbid me to see him.
Did he at least give you
an engagement ring?
Yeah.
May I see it, please?
May I just see it?
[laughs]
Oh, Charlene.
That is a pearl!
Not an engagement ring,
that is a cocktail ring.
Learn the difference.
An engagement ring is a diamond,
a cocktail ring is a pearl.
I don't even want to hear about this
boy anymore, do you understand me?
I don't want hear about him
until you get a real engagement ring.
He's a loser!
Lose him!
He's not a loser.
He has his own car.
[glass shattering]
[all cheering]
No sooner did I say I do
when my sister said...
And I do, too!
Joel and I have just
decided to get married.
Hey!
[Charlene Voiceover] Goosed!
On this, my very
own wedding day,
she announces her engagement
to Mr. Harvard Law School,
and I was marrying a man
who worked at Carpet World.
Where am I?
We're in the hospital.
How did we get here?
What happened to us?
We had a race car accident
on the way to the hotel.
A driver on the other side of
the road crashed right into us!
No witnesses!
No insurance!
The car vanished into thin air!
It took eight months for me to realize
that it was God behind the wheel
of the car that crashed us.
Does that answer your question?
He must have been trying
to stop us
from continuing
our hour-long marriage.
No.
Do you speak any English?
- Charlene!
- What?
I'm leaving you.
This isn't working out.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene Voiceover]
My disastrous first marriage over,
I decided to concentrate
on my writing career.
After sending out over 1,000 resumes,
I finally landed my first interview.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
Well, it, it's a nice resume,
you know?
It's not a great resume.
See, what's missing
from this resume
is I don't hear it say,
"Hire me".
A great resume says, "Hire me".
You hear it.
Do you hear anything?
I'm not hearing anything.
I'm listening, but I don't hear.
A great resume goes,
"Please hire me!
"Hire me right now
or I'll die in the streets!
"Oh, God, hire me!"
And I don't hear that here.
Okay, um, Mr. Levy,
I know my resume doesn't sound
desperate enough to you,
but I would do anything
to get this job.
- Look.
- What?
I was thinking.
You know,
I could easily hire you.
Really?
But see, the problem is
I'd be killing your career.
You would?
I'd be taking your career
and crushing, ow!
Ow!
- You did it again.
- I'm sorry.
- Like five fishhooks.
- Sorry.
[sighs]
I'd be killing your career.
You're too good to be doing
comic books.
- I am?
- Yeah.
I mean, look, did Shakespeare
do comic books?
I don't know.
Did he?
No, he didn't.
[sighs]
Anyway, look, I think you
should go out to the West Coast.
Really?
That way, you could live
and move ahead.
That's where you could spread
your wings.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Now that I've spread my legs,
you mean.
Is that what you're saying?
Okay, so I probably shouldn't
have slept with him.
But he did give me
one good piece of advice.
I decided to join
my sister in LA.
Louise says there are
six things a woman
needs to get ahead here.
White clothes,
blonde highlights,
a tan, breast implants,
a good agent,
and the most important thing,
a psychic.
Oh, man.
Pack, Charlene.
Your sister's in therapy now
and is finally putting herself first.
[Charlene] You're gonna
throw me out, Louise?
Again?
I just moved to Los Angeles.
I thought...
Louise.
Louise.
I see you're gonna sell two TV scripts
and marry your boyfriend Mark.
Oh!
Congratulations.
You two have a brother
and he's gonna need
his own private bank
to store all the money he's
gonna make as a TV producer.
[Charlene] Wow.
It's really kind of exciting.
Oh.
Oh.
[Charlene] What?
I see two sisters
working with him.
Oh!
[Psychic] Louise and Karen.
Karen?
Wait a minute, um, Miss Psychic.
As you know, I'm paying
good money for this reading,
and I don't wanna hear
about Cliff and Dave and Karen.
I wanna hear about me.
What about me?
What happens to me?
Charlene, I have
your cup right here.
[Charlene] You do?
[Psychic] Charlene?
What?
You're going to marry
a doctor named Steven.
[Louise] Ooh.
I'm gonna marry a doctor?
A doctor named Steven?
[Psychic] That's what
it says right here.
Oh, my God!
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Does it, how, how do I meet him?
What, what do I do?
Just live your life and
he'll present himself.
Live my life?
What life?
Charlene.
[Charlene] What?
You, too, will know success,
but first you will know Steven.
[glass shattering]
[all cheering]
[Charlene] Lola's
predictions were coming true.
Louise was getting married,
and I hoped I was next.
Mel!
Mel!
Dad?
Oh, my God!
Daddy!
Daddy!
Are you all right?
Daddy, talk to me!
I hate this family so much!
Please send an ambulance
right away!
My father's having
a heart attack!
At my wedding!
[Charlene] Oh, my God!
Daddy, don't die!
Please don't die!
We love you so much!
Please, Daddy!
Breathe!
Charlene,
get the hell off of me!
Mel!
Mel, talk to me!
Say something!
Are the caterers
still gonna charge us?
[Blanche] Charlene,
get his Rolex.
They steal everything.
Doc, what happened to me?
Too much excitement
and a little indigestion, Mel.
You're gonna be fine.
[All] Ah!
I only hope my heart is half
as strong as yours
when I'm 10 years
younger than you.
Aw.
Excuse me, Dr. Steven?
May I have a word with you?
Certainly.
Is this covered
by the insurance?
I made a phone call.
Not only are we covered,
we're making money, Mel.
[Charlene] My name's Charlene.
Hi, Charlene.
I have a little problem,
and I was wondering
if you could help me with it.
What's the problem?
I, too, have a tremendous
pain in my heart,
and I'm not a hypochondriac
like my father.
What can I do for you, Charlene?
Well, I was wondering if you
might like to examine my chest.
- I'd be delighted.
- Thank you.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Wow.
You have a very big heart.
Um, that's because
I'm not wearing a bra.
[giggles]
I have a nine-inch needle that
can cure pretty much anything.
Nine inches?
Will it hurt?
Yes.
But I could
give it to you orally.
Well, Doctor, I think I may be in need
of that kind of extreme treatment
sometime in the very near future,
so, um, do you have a card or...
Absolutely.
Any way I can get a hold of you?
Telephone?
Pager number?
Fax, perhaps?
Oh.
- Are these your children?
- Yes, except for the Asian albino.
Wow, so many of them.
Your wife must be very fertile.
- Actually, my ex-wife.
- Oh.
- Very fertile.
- Hmm.
Listen, I'm actually
moving back to Los Angeles
to be near the big-headed one.
He's developed a complex about
the size of his head.
Well, what a coincidence.
I recently moved to Los Angeles
myself to get away from my family.
I have a complex about
the size of my family.
[laughs]
Well, why don't we get together?
Here's my number.
I'd love to play Hide
the Thermometer with you.
I happen to be very good with
long, cylindrical objects.
Good.
[dramatic organ music]
Would you like to examine
my chest again?
Please.
[dramatic organ music]
♪ Does he live
Before my date,
I had a major makeover
at the Beverly Center.
I hope he liked
the new redheaded me.
- Echinacea?
- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
It's good for
your immune system.
I love 'em.
I take 'em all the time.
[Woman] Shh.
Oh, you shh.
Aside from my heart,
I'm actually a very healthy person.
You certainly are.
How's your heart?
I bet you have a cute one.
[giggles]
[Woman] Hey.
[Charlene] What?
Shut up.
[pager buzzing]
- I got a page.
- Oh, no.
- I have to answer this.
- Now?
Dr. Frankenstein is
just about to sing.
I know.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Woman] Excuse me.
Can you sit down, please?
[giggles]
[Man] Hey.
Do you mind?
[Woman] Sit down.
[Man] My life begins...
I couldn't believe it.
The actor playing Dr. Frankenstein
was Steffon Stevens.
Suddenly it hit me.
Maybe my Steven was an actor
playing a doctor.
Oh, my God.
I love this person.
He's great.
I'm gonna have to take off.
There's an emergency
at the hospital.
Oh, no.
Will you call me?
Please, call me.
- I will.
- Call me on your cell phone.
[giggles]
Do you mind?
This is private.
Can you believe people?
Let him live!
[dramatic organ music]
[audience applauding]
[Steffon] Well, hello there.
- Hello.
- Lost your way?
Ah.
Good evening, Doctor,
ahem, Mr. Stevens.
- Please, call me Steffon.
- Okay, Steffon.
I'm a big fan of yours,
and I have an idea for a
screenplay starring you
that I think could be
a blockbuster.
Now, I want to be
perfectly honest,
I'm not one of those big
Hollywood producers
with money to throw around.
I can't, for example,
take you to the Palm
and buy you blackened swordfish.
But what I can do is I can offer you
a cup of coffee with the lid on.
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
- What's your name again?
- Oh, I'm Charlene.
[passionate moaning]
Steffon, do you like my idea?
Oh, I love, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
Me as a comic book
hero, like Superman.
- Yes, I like it.
- Yes.
Yes.
Only you would be
called Shakespeare Man.
You'd be fighting crime
using the abilities and the powers
of Shakespearean characters.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Do you like it?
Yes, the magic of the, and the courage
of Henry V, not to mention Romeo.
Yes.
[car horn honks]
I like it.
I like it.
- Really?
- I like you, too.
I like you, too,
Steffon Stevens.
- Steffon?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to make you a star.
[laughs]
I'm ready for my close-up,
Miss DeMille.
[light jazz music]
[Charlene Voiceover] A major studio
bought "Shakespeare Man"
and Steffon went off to England
to shoot it.
I saw my first
five-figure check.
I was busy, happy,
productive, and in love,
until I got a phone call
from Steffon
telling me he fell in love
with his costar.
I stayed at home nights
playing Internet gambling.
But even winning at Galaxy World
didn't do it for me.
Then it hit me.
I needed a real doctor,
not an actor.
I had made a terrible mistake.
[passionate moaning]
[intercom beeping]
[Woman Over PA] Dr. Stevens,
the princess and her father are here.
My daddy's here?
- Look, I'm gonna have to call you.
- No, don't go.
Please stay.
- Leave something with me.
- Leave something?
[laughs]
Here. This picture.
Oh.
Thank you.
[door clicking]
[singing in foreign language]
[Steven] Hello, my princess.
- How are you?
- Hello, my love.
Can we have a moment of privacy?
Actually, we have reservations
down at Matutu's at eight o'clock.
Oh, but, Steven, you know
my father's always around.
I know.
I kinda like it when Dad's around.
It makes things exciting.
Feel like we're gonna get caught.
- Come on.
- Steven.
You don't want to miss that
voodoo burger now, do you?
Side of melon.
[imitating foreign language]
[Charlene Voiceover] This doctor business
was a little trickier than I thought.
But I wasn't about to give up
on my destiny.
I just needed to expand
my search.
[light muzak]
[rings bell]
Can I help you?
Um, yes.
I only want to date doctors who have
a first or a last name Steven.
So I was wondering if I might
be able to get a price break
on my membership.
No.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, um, how about
if you ask your boss?
No.
Oh.
Well, that's too bad.
I really had my hopes up there
for a minute.
[Man Over PA] Charlene Silver!
What?
We'd like to present to you
Dr. Steven Stevenson,
the man of your dreams.
Okay.
[light organ music]
Oh!
Good!
Ha ha!
You're nice.
Very...
Aah!
I'll take all of 'em.
Hmm.
Manly.
Oh, nice!
Oh!
Oh, I want it!
Oh, honey!
Oh!
- Hello.
- Hello, Dr. Steven Stevenson.
- Yes, uh...
- Charlene.
- Charlene.
- Yes.
- So nice to see you.
- Thank you.
- How tall are you?
- Um, I'm five, seven.
- How much do you weigh?
- I don't know.
Why don't you pick me up
and find out?
It's not that important.
Don't mind me.
- Please have a seat.
- All right.
It's just that most women who wear
long skirts don't have nice legs.
Hmm.
Really?
You see, I'm used to dating
girls who wear short skirts or dresses
if they have nice legs,
or a cut above the knee if they don't.
Oh. Well,
how unbelievably fascinating.
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I accidentally kick, what?
- What, the shoes are no good?
- Well, that depends.
[Charlene] Uh-huh.
Do you think sexy is cool?
Is this a trick question?
Don't mind me.
I'm just a doctor, you know me.
[laughs]
That's right.
That's what I keep
reminding myself.
You're just a doctor.
Just a pugilistic, athletic,
motorcycle-riding, fun-loving doctor.
What do I know?
Well, I think it's
time for a drink.
- How about a glass of wine?
- I would love a glass of wine.
Perfect.
- [Charlene Voiceover]
His message was clear.
I had to completely
change my style
if I wanted to date him.
I was outraged at how
readily I was willing to
transform myself to please him.
[upbeat rock music]
Charlene?
[retching]
You okay?
[retching]
[coughing]
You want a napkin?
Thank you.
[coughs]
I think I got nauseous.
You were going around
those turns so fast, I just...
Charlene, I'm sorry,
but I, I just think that, uh,
this is not gonna
work out with us.
We're just too different.
Okay.
Let me take you back home.
Come on.
No.
You know what?
I think I'll just walk.
It's not that far.
Charlene, hold on a second.
Come here. Come here.
Um, let me drive you home
and then we'll break
up later, okay?
- Okay.
- All right?
All right?
Come on.
- Come on.
- You won't drive too fast?
No, no, no.
I'll drive too slow, okay?
[starts engine]
All my children
are nose boogies.
This is the worst blizzard
they ever had in New York,
and, Charlene,
not one of you has called me.
Mom, Momma, I can't believe you.
All you do is complain.
Do I call you every time
we have an earthquake?
No.
Okay, so fine.
Your house is cold,
but it's not like it was picked up
and thrown around like mine was.
I don't...
[Blanche sneezing]
Mom?
[Blanche sneezing]
Hello, Mom?
[phone clicking]
Mom?
I called my mother
looking for comfort.
I don't know
why I wasted my time.
We just got stuck in the game
of dueling disasters.
Which reminds me of my parents'
favorite pastime, dueling ailments.
I think I just snapped
my clavicle.
Blanche, Blanche, my back
is killing me, Blanche.
My head.
It's like two elephants
are mating inside there.
Am I the only one who thinks
this room is spinning?
Mel, do your fingers
ever feel numb?
Just the tips?
- Tingling.
- Yes.
A tingling.
Like a tingling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not a stroke, God forbid.
I'm so nauseous.
I'm so nauseous,
and yet I'm still hungry.
- Hungry.
- I'm nauseous and I'm hungry.
[Charlene] It was around this time
that I realized I needed
to get a grip on my life.
There's more important things
than trying to marry a doctor
and please my parents,
like my career.
I started a new job
writing and producing,
and I was finally
through with men.
[upbeat rock music]
[Joey] Charlene,
Charlene, Charlene.
Hello, Joey.
You know, last night,
I had a dream that
we were lost in a desert
without anything
to drink or eat...
Right.
But each other.
That's not a dream,
that's a nightmare.
[slurping]
- What is that bewitching scent?
- It's Bengay.
Oh.
Hmm.
- You know something, Joey?
- Yeah?
Not all women are susceptible
to a gorgeous guy
with a great body such as
yourself and no personality.
Honey, the stone age is over.
This is the '90s.
Get with it.
[door clicking]
[sighs]
Women.
Oh!
[door clicking]
[passionate moaning]
Charlene?
Charlene, I need to
speak to you at once.
[Charlene] Hold on one second.
I'll be right out.
Hurry.
This is an emergen...
I'm terribly sorry, Jane.
I was right in the middle
of something.
[door rattles]
Listen, you've got to get now
and do this trailer.
It's not even scary.
It doesn't work.
You've gotta put shots,
the sponsors are very upset.
- Okay.
- I don't like it.
You gotta have a lot of
helpless women, brutality.
I'll get right on it.
Do we have any shots of animals?
Excuse me.
No, excuse me.
Um, thanks.
Thank you, Johnny.
He, uh, he was fixing my modem.
He's really fast.
[laughs nervously]
- Three minutes!
- Okay.
- Now.
- Yes, sir, ma'am.
[sighing]
[explosion booming]
Okay.
All right, um, Dick.
I don't know the technical term
for what I want next,
but I'll just tell you
what I see in my head,
and then you can tell me
if you can handle it, okay?
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
[Charlene] Excuse me?
No, I, no offense, but, I mean,
other producers,
they don't work like this.
I mean, they got notes.
They know what frame
they want to go to.
[Charlene] Right.
Well, um...
What am I supposed to do,
go back through the whole thing?
Look, Richard, Dick,
I can understand what you are
saying about other producers,
but all producers are different.
I work a particular way.
For example, a lot of Richards
don't like to be called Dick,
but I can understand where
you're coming from,
'cause you see, if you know
you're a Dick right off the bat,
why wait for other people
to find out?
What's wrong with Dick?
All the men in my family
are Dicks.
Oh, my God.
Really?
[assistant laughs]
Oh, that's funny.
You're, you're really helping.
Don't encourage her.
Yeah.
Calling me names.
Calling me names.
Yeah, I never heard
Dick jokes before.
Wow, what a revelation.
I missed junior high school.
Why don't you get some talent?
Why don't you try that,
Miss New York prodigy?
If I said the same thing to you,
I'd end up in a court somewhere.
You know why?
[Charlene] Why?
Okay, fine.
Fine.
- You just crossed the line.
- Which line?
[Dick] You crossed that line.
- This line here?
- That's right.
It's called harassment, lady,
and you're gonna get it.
You're gonna get it right now.
You can't cross that line.
Dick is a proud name.
It's a strong name, and
I am proud to be a Dick.
- Oh, good.
- That's right.
Now.
You're gonna get it right now.
Run, Dick, run.
Run to Jane.
Oh, that's clever.
"Run, Dick, run".
Yeah, I'll tell her about that.
Kiss me, baby!
Kiss me!
Get it, Dick?
Kiss me, Dick?
I don't think so.
I think that's a job for Jane.
Oh, it's Jane's job?
It's Jane's job?
I'm sure she'll be very happy
to hear that. Jane's job.
And you shut the hell up.
I don't want to hear from you.
You know what, baby,
this ain't my first barbecue.
Okay.
All right, bye.
[assistant laughs]
Jane?
Uh, yeah, look out.
Charging Dick
coming right at you.
[pounding on door]
That producer
has got some balls!
Did somebody say balls?
Dear God, what have I said?
No, no.
No, no.
Jane, Jane,
there is no reason to disrobe.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I could come back another time
when you're not so large-breasted.
We can talk another time.
Remember my heart.
Dick, shh.
[Dick] Is that a new blouse?
It can be, Dick.
[Dick] No.
[Jane] It can be, Dick.
No, no, we're not doing
the animal kingdom thing.
- Yes.
- No.
I cannot do the
animal kingdom thing.
- Meow.
- No.
- Meow.
- Don't make me do it.
- You're scaring me.
- Big kitty.
- You're gonna hurt me.
- Big kitty.
Meow.
[howls]
[howls]
[both howling]
[barks]
[growls]
[trumpets]
Act like a monkey!
Act like a monkey!
[screeching]
Oh!
Oh!
I'm gonna ride you
like a stallion, baby!
Give it to me!
Mmm!
[Charlene] Because
of my childhood,
I'm never surprised when hating me
brings two people together.
[shouting]
- You wanted to see me, Jane?
- Charlene, you're fired.
[Charlene] What?
Yes.
You've pushed everybody's
buttons here, including Dick's,
who's been pushing mine
just minutes ago.
[Charlene] Dick's been...
Dick!
[Charlene] Oh, my God.
Yes, ma'am?
How you doing?
[Charlene]
Better than you, I guess.
Do you realize what you've done?
[Charlene] No, what have I done?
Do you know what you've done?
You have driven a perfectly
sane woman insane!
Excuse me?
Perfectly sane?
You sleeping with a moron like that Dick
and you call yourself perfectly sane?
You're fired!
[Charlene] All right, fine!
I'm happy to go!
Out!
[Charlene] All right!
I'm leaving!
- Now!
- All right.
- Okay, fine.
- Now!
Oh, my God.
All right, fine, fine, fine.
- I'm out of here.
- Pull up that dress!
[light jazz music]
[sighs]
[Charlene] I'm just not cut out
to work in an office.
But everything always works out
for the best.
I sold a TV pilot called
"Dick and Jane's Wild Kingdom".
I made enough money for
a down payment on my new home.
Hello, Hollywood.
[car horn honking]
Hey, dude, we heard you
the first time!
[Steven] It's broken!
[Charlene] What?
[Steven] It's broken!
[Charlene] Well, can you do
something about it?
[horn honking]
I rent the house next to yours.
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
Shut that off.
Oh.
[laughs]
- You're good with your hands.
- Oh, thanks.
My name's Steven Binder.
Hi.
I'm Charlene.
Charlene Silver.
I'm just moving in here.
I just bought this house.
That's great.
That's great.
You may, uh, you may hear me rehearsing
at night with my band, Medicine Man.
Oh, really?
You have a band?
Yeah.
I'm the lead singer.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[Charlene] Wait a minute.
What did you say
your name was again?
Steven.
[Charlene] And your band
is called Medicine Man?
Yeah.
[Charlene] I had no intention
of going back on my Steven hunt,
but, hey, the guy showed up
right at my front door,
delivered to me like a pizza.
You can't ignore fate.
We're on fire!
You're pregnant.
Oh, my God!
I don't believe it!
- I'm pregnant?
- You're pregnant.
I have to call my mom.
That's my private line.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have a pay phone?
Purse!
[laughing]
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Mom? Dad?
It's Charlene.
Mel, it's Charlene!
Hello, sweetheart.
Remember when I told you
this was a friendly neighborhood?
I'm pregnant!
- Pregnant?
- Yes.
Yes.
[Both] Pregnant?
Yes!
I'm pregnant!
It was the guy next door.
Well!
Isn't that a wonderful
housewarming gift!
He's a loser!
Lose him!
Dad, Dad, he is not a loser.
He's the Doctor Steven the
psychic was talking about.
[Both] A doctor?
Yes.
- Mel!
- A doctor?
D-o-c-t-o-r.
A doctor!
[both cheering]
♪ You made me love you
Mom?
♪ I didn't wanna do it
♪ I didn't wanna do it
Okay.
♪ You made me want you
♪ And all the time you knew it
♪ I guess you always knew it
Mom?
♪ You made me happy
♪ Sometimes
♪ And made me sad
♪ But there were times, Mel
♪ When you made me feel
♪ So bad
Boom, boom, boom.
I'm pregnant!
[laughs]
- Pregnant?
- Yes, I'm pregnant.
[laughs]
I don't know with what,
but it's yours.
[laughs]
♪ Sex hex
♪ Seed breeds
♪ All I was doing
♪ Was meeting my needs
♪ Sperm yolk
♪ Next time I'll think
♪ Before I poke
[dog barking]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ New father
♪ Oh yeah
♪ I found you
♪ Love like I want
♪ Oh yeah
♪ Oh yeah
♪ It's going
♪ Like I knew you would
♪ All
♪ You all
♪ Oh
♪ Isn't that the way
♪ I'll take the right
♪ Not too bad
♪ Grab the shift
♪ Like everything
♪ I need your love
Charlene?
Are you okay?
What happened?
[light acoustic guitar music]
♪ We'll try again
Okay.
♪ Don't you cry, my friend
[Charlene] Okay.
♪ And we won't quit
♪ Till we get it right
♪ Mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mmm mmm
♪ Mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm
♪ Mmm mmm mmm
[telephone rings]
I'll get it.
Probably my mom.
[Steven] Hello.
It's my mom, isn't it?
Yeah, well, it's been a month
since the miscarriage,
but I still think she thinks
she's pregnant.
Hey, are you talking about me?
She's gonna die of cholesterol
overdose, let me tell you.
I'm eating for two.
Disgusting.
You should see this.
You're disgusting.
[Steven] No, you're disgusting.
You're disgusting!
[Steven] No, you're disgusting!
And I paid for it, too!
[light acoustic guitar music]
Oh, Steven?
It's planting time.
Oh, what a turn-on.
"Steven, it's time
to attack the egg.
"Time to do the seed deed.
"Rush hour in the love canal.
"Scrum around the ovum.
"Bring on the sperminator".
That's what sex
has become with you.
Really?
Now what do you have
to say for yourself?
Please?
I'll give you a blowjob.
You're pregnant with twins.
Oh.
I'm so happy,
I feel like I wanna cry.
I am gonna cry.
You're pregnant, aren't you?
I'm twice as pregnant!
It's twins!
[laughs]
♪ We lost one
♪ Now we got two
♪ Girl, I gave some
♪ Super sperm to you
[laughing]
♪ So you better
♪ Treat your man super, too
♪ Even though your skin
♪ Felt clammy
♪ I gave you a double whammy
♪ Of sperm with love
♪ From me to you
♪ We lost one, now we got two
♪ We got two
♪ Girl, I gave some
♪ Super sperm to you
♪ So you better
♪ Treat your man super, too
♪ Even though your skin
♪ Felt clammy
♪ I gave you a double whammy
♪ Of sperm with love
♪ From me to you
[scat singing]
Charlene,
I can't take it anymore!
You married a man, not a maid.
I could understand if you were
a bit more appreciative,
but all you ever do is give me blowjobs
since you've been pregnant
and you never swallow!
I told you, I'm allergic.
[yelling gibberish]
[Charlene] Fear of another
miscarriage kept me on
the couch for nine months.
It drove Steven over the edge.
[telephone rings]
[Steven screaming]
Hello?
Um, he's in the middle
of something right now.
Can I help?
Yeah, I'll see if
he can break away.
Hold on.
Steven?
Steven, it's your agent.
It's Monty.
Monty.
It's your agent.
I think maybe he has a job
for you or something.
Hello?
It's over, Charlene.
I'm glad my super double whammy
is helping you fulfill
your life's dream.
Now it's my turn to go out
and fulfill mine.
Good-bye.
Steven, wait.
[grunting]
- Ready to meet your kids?
- Yeah. Okay.
Oh, Dr. Ruth?
Dr. Ruth?
Yes?
I have an idea.
Why don't we just skip
the C-section altogether
and we can pull them
directly out of my mouth?
That's my largest orifice
anyway.
[Doctor] It's okay, Charlene.
Okay.
[Doctor] You're gonna be fine.
[yelling]
- [Charlene Voiceover]
When the drugs kicked in,
my mother appeared to me
in a horrible nightmare.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene.
This is your mommy.
Your boys have weenies.
You must be careful.
Louise, these are delicious.
Oh!
What a fabulous spread!
Look at this.
Salami, chicken mix, potato chips.
Charlene, it's magnificent.
Oh, delicious.
Don't need to cover it up.
I'll cover it.
What's going on with
the cellophane, Dad?
Charlene!
Take it off.
People think you're not
supposed to eat the food.
Take it off.
It'll spoil!
This is not New Jersey.
You'll eat it after the bris.
Know-it-all!
Know-it-all!
Leave it off.
This is my bris.
It's not your bris.
I want things the way I want it.
Charlene, people are listening,
keep it down.
Mom, can I speak with you
just for a minute?
Mom, I have fallen
deeply in love.
That's wonderful!
Mazel tov!
- What's her name?
- Her name is Leo.
[coughs]
You're a pansy boy?
Cliff, it's all right.
It's all right.
- It's not your fault, it's my fault.
- Mom, it's not anybody's fault.
It's my fault, Cliffy.
I should've never have
let you pick out fabric.
I should've never have
let you paint my toenails.
I should never, never,
never let you go
three years in a row
as Cher on Halloween.
Come on, he's here.
I want you to meet him.
- [Charlene Voiceover]
Personally, I have nothing
against gay men.
It's just that every
time they get together,
I lose two potential husbands.
This is Leo.
Oh!
Mom!
Oh, my God!
Call 911!
Honey!
What have I done?
Mel!
He's got braids.
[knocking on door]
Hola.
Marisole Martinez?
Si. Hola.
Senora...
Charlene.
Call me Charlene.
- Charlene, me gusta, Charlene.
- Thank you.
The kids are upstairs, sleeping.
[speaking foreign language]
Yes, yes.
So, um,
no, no, no, no, no.
Come in, come in,
come in, come in.
We'll go upstairs
and take a look at them.
Hasta la vista.
Andale.
[both laugh]
It was tough being a single mom,
but with Marisole's help,
we got through
the terrible twos.
Can you clear for a minute
while me and my boys pass?
You see,
when my boys are big enough,
and they'll be playing
with you, too.
In your dreams, lady!
Excuse me?
That one's not a boy,
that's a girl.
No, he's not!
He's a boy!
No, that's a girl!
No, he's a boy, and he's macho,
just like his mom!
You're not macho!
You have titties!
Ha.
No, wait a minute.
These are not titties,
they're hand grenades,
and I'm gonna throw
one at you right now!
You, too!
That's right, kids!
Keep running!
That's right!
Keep running!
Unbelievable!
Where are their mothers?
Can you believe that?
Unbelievable.
When you get big,
don't play with those bad boys.
[light jazz music]
Between writing and
taking care of my kids,
it had been a long time
since my last date.
One day while cleaning
out my closet,
I found my old
Dr. Steven paper dolls.
Now, don't get me wrong,
I wasn't going back
on my Steven quest,
but this guy was worth
another look.
Hello, Steven?
Yeah, yeah, it's Charlene.
How did you know it was me?
Ha ha.
I do not have a funny voice.
[light orchestral music]
There he was in all his Roman
god-bachelor glory.
Being single obviously
agreed with this guy.
The great thing about being
attracted to unavailable men
is they're always available.
Justice, play nice.
[Steven] It's really nice of you
to come here with the kids.
Yeah, they really love it here.
They like to play
with the balls.
Does Mommy play
with the balls, too?
- Sometimes.
- Yeah?
You should go in
there, too, you know?
[Charlene] Oh, I don't think so.
I'm too big for that.
[Steven] Really?
[Charlene] Yeah.
Maybe we should
go in there together.
[laughs]
You look pretty good.
[Steven] Yeah?
You look good for an aging,
confirmed bachelor
with no marital prospects
on the horizon any time soon.
[Steven]
Well, I, I loved your lips.
Hmm.
Thank you.
[Steven] I loved your lips.
Thank you.
[Steven] You're welcome.
Justice?
Justice!
Oh, my God!
Justice!
Justice!
[Steven] It's all right.
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, where are you?
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, where are you?
Justice!
Justice, answer me!
[Steven] I'm looking for him!
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, this isn't funny!
Where are you?
Justice!
Charlene, I got him.
Charlene, he's right here.
I got him.
I got him.
He's right here.
They're both right here.
[Charlene] Oh, my God.
They're doing all right.
Yeah, come on.
He was just over here looking
at the ocean and stuff.
Mommy was so worried!
Oh, honey!
That was great.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- I had a good time.
So did I.
Thanks for all the balloons,
and thanks for the
refrigerator magnet and...
No problem.
So, um, do you have
a date tonight or what?
No, I'm just gonna go home
and practice my violin
and smoke my pipe.
Hmm.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
Especially the pipe part.
[laughs]
Well, I guess the boys
will sleep well tonight.
Yeah.
And if you take a Valium,
so will their mom.
[laughs]
- Oh, your coat.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
Don't wanna take that.
[Steven] Let me help you.
[Charlene] Thank you.
Drive safely.
[Charlene] All right, I will.
I always do.
Okay.
[Charlene] Okay.
Take care.
[Charlene] All right, I will.
The problem with Dr. Steven Stevenson
was he's too good-looking,
he's too well-endowed,
and he's much too successful.
How could he not be
a womanizer?
I have to move on.
I've laid off the doctors,
but the Stevens
just keep coming.
Ironically, my new
boyfriend's name is Steven,
Steven Troy,
but he's a contractor.
A very good one, I might add.
Work's all finished, ma'am.
Did you fix the stone
on the pavement?
It's fixed.
What about the drip
in the fountain?
It's fixed.
Did you screw in the light
by the gate?
It's fixed.
Are you ready to be paid?
I'm ready.
Come upstairs, Mr. Troy.
I think I have something
that might interest you.
Good thing
I brought my hammer.
[country music]
[passionate moaning]
Nice.
[Steven] I wanna
bronze your labia minora.
Really?
[laughs]
Okay.
[passionate moaning]
[giggles]
[moaning]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um, condoms.
Safe sex.
Do you have any?
Uh...
In my bathroom.
Wait. Hold on.
Stay there.
Stay, stay, Rover.
[moaning]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Bring it on home!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Whoo!
- Hell.
- Oh, God.
Oh!
- You know what they say.
- What?
Seventh time is a charm.
[both laugh]
[knocking on door]
[Charlene] Hello.
Hey.
[Charlene] How are you?
- I'm good.
- Good.
How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
- Good.
I'm fine.
Cute.
Yeah, I think, you know,
they'll like it.
They're sleeping.
They should wake up pretty soon.
If you wanna wait, we can maybe
have a cup of tea out on the patio.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll make it.
I'll be right out.
All my divorced male friends
envy my ex-husband
because I set him up
with other women.
I do it for me,
because the happier he is,
the less guilty I feel
for driving him over the edge.
And then also for my sons,
because I'd like their stepmom
to be someone who doesn't
have a police record.
Here we go.
A little tea I whipped up myself
in the recesses of my kitchen.
The contractor did a nice job
with the terrace.
Yeah, well Steven does
a great job with everything.
Another Steven.
Mm-hmm.
Well, obviously
you've slept with him.
Obviously?
What obviously?
- Well, duh.
- Duh.
Okay. All right.
Fine, I slept with him.
- So?
- Well, like, of course you did.
What kind of medicine
does he practice?
He's a sexual healer.
Every time he walks in the room,
I hear Marvin Gaye singing
"Sexual Healing".
Please, Charlene.
You know, the problem
with you and I is we just,
we just don't communicate
very well.
Boy.
You said it.
Once you ran out of songs,
there was really nothing left
to say, was there?
I do think you have
nice breasts, though.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
They're implants.
I'll leave them to you in my will.
- No way!
- Yes way.
Ha ha.
- You had me fooled.
- Goosed.
Every time a man is fooled,
another plastic surgeon
gets his wings.
That is, like, such
a good job, really.
Thank you.
I'm glad you appreciate it.
Hey!
Hey, you!
Give a kiss, Daddy!
Come on,
I want a kiss over here, too.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me a kiss, give me
a kiss, give me a kiss.
Come on.
Mmm-whah!
How you guys doing?
Who wants the chicken?
Who wants the bear?
Who wants the chicken?
You want the bear?
You want the chicken?
[dramatic orchestral music]
Who wants to play
with the truck?
All right!
[upbeat funk music]
Dr. Steven?
Excuse me, can you, um, hi.
[Steven] Hi.
Can I help you?
Um, yes.
As a matter of fact, you can.
Look, I'm in extreme need
of a physical for work,
and since
we're in the same building,
I thought maybe if you give me
your card,
I could call you
for an appointment.
I'd love to.
Lord knows I can use
the business.
But unfortunately, I'm only
licensed to examine your feet.
My feet?
Only my feet?
A podiatrist.
So what exactly is it
you guys do anyway?
At least he's not
a proctologist.
I wouldn't want one of those guys
handling the boys' bottles.
I'm sure you've been told
many times you have beautiful legs.
Well, not many times,
but thank you.
I can't believe I've never
run into you before.
It just seems, sorry.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I know. It seems
working in the same building,
you'd think we'd sooner or later
bump into each other.
Yeah, you would think,
you know, you being a podiatrist
and me being in sales.
Yeah.
You know, I can't help notice,
but your feet are perfect.
What are they,
a seven and a half, an eight?
Oh, my God.
You do know what you're doing?
They're seven and a half.
And those are lovely shoes.
Were they some sort of reptile?
Yes.
Rattlesnake.
Dangerous Ecuadorian
rattlesnake.
- Killed him myself.
- Really?
Skinned him.
Ate the flesh.
Made shoes
out of the attractive skins.
Well, I think that's a good
result for a snake,
to end up a shoe
on a beautiful woman's foot.
Oh, thank you.
[laughs]
Well, so I wish I could
compliment your outfit,
but I just can't.
I know.
It's sort of doctor-ware.
- You're gonna get...
- Utilitarian.
Yeah.
[Charlene] I always wanted
to use that word in a sentence.
Ha ha.
- Well, this my floor.
- Oh, really?
It's been highly enjoyable
traveling the escalator with you.
Yes.
Since we're flirting...
- We are?
- Well, I think we are.
I just wanted to
disclose the fact
that my wife and I of 10
years separated two weeks ago.
Oh, really?
We're getting divorced.
I'm not running around
or anything, but...
Oh.
- I'm really sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
You, uh, you seem
like somebody that's been hurt,
and I feel like you might
need a shoulder to cry on
sometime in the very near future.
So, uh, I wanna give you this.
"Dr. Anton Bowman, L.C.S.W."
What does that stand for?
Well, it stands for a very
experienced psychotherapist.
I think you'll like him.
His fees are reasonable,
and he has quite large feet.
So I walked away.
I mean, there was nothing
wrong with this guy,
but I could see he wasn't ready
to start a new relationship.
Why is it so hard to find
the perfect man?
It's like I found the
ideal Doctor Steven,
but he's a combination
of six men.
[laughing]
It sounds like you and the boys
have gained something
from each of the Doctor Stevens.
Now who in the hell says
you have to pick one
and discard the rest?
Oh.
I don't know.
The, well,
the psychic never really said it like that,
but you know what?
You're right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Dr. Bowman, you're a genius.
Thank you so much.
Can I take these for my friends?
We have 45 minutes more.
Oh.
Sit down.
Look who's here!
Look how good you look!
Whoa!
Careful.
Careful.
Look who's jumping up
and down on the bed!
Is everybody here?
Are you ready for the party?
[laughing]
Is it party time?
Is it party time?
You know what?
My therapist was right.
All my Stevens have enriched
my life in one way or another.
Tonight, I've decided
to celebrate my birthday
with an unconventional
little party.
[light orchestral music]
Look how good you look!
You got your hat on.
Hey, Noble, you wanna come
over here and enjoy the party?
So, how's your son,
the big-headed one?
You know,
[laughing]
the insecure one?
He has four kids.
[Steven] Really?
Justice, you know,
it's time for him to get a...
I want to get him
a really good guitar.
That would be great.
[Steven] You know,
like, a little microphone.
[laughing]
You know, I watch you
with those kids.
Did you?
Mm-hmm.
You look so much more
attractive with your kids.
I am.
Really?
In the front seat of the car.
[laughing]
Nothing exactly.
These are all friends of mine.
You may have noticed everybody
at the party is called Steven.
Yeah.
- I have a thing for Stevens.
- Right.
But mostly Doctor Stevens.
You're the first really physical
Steven that I ever had.
I kind of liked
where I ended up.
The boys are happy and healthy.
My career is going well.
Dr. Bowman is vacationing
in the Bahamas
with all the money
I paid him for therapy.
And my parents
are proud of me.
They finally stopped asking
when I'm gonna meet Mr. Right.
But more importantly,
I've stopped asking.
RIP-FIXES-SYNC
by VaVooM
[upbeat jazz music]
[light jazz music]
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Kissing you now
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Teaching you how
♪ I wonder who's looking
♪ Into your eyes
♪ Breathing sighs
♪ Telling lies
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Buying the wine
♪ For lips
♪ That I used to call mine
♪ I wonder if you
♪ Ever tell them the truth
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Kissing you now
[light jazz music]
RIP-FIXES-SYNC
by VaVooM
[Charlene] Well, Dr. Bowman.
See, I've never really
been in therapy before.
How about I just start
at the beginning?
[footsteps thudding]
[alarm sounding]
Dear diary.
The Nazis are coming.
No, it's worse!
My parents!
[light jazz music]
[Mel] What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're a mashugana.
Hiding in closets,
thinking you're Anne Frank.
[Charlene] I was always trying
to run away from
my oddball family,
but there was no escaping them.
I was inevitably captured
and dragged back
to our bunker in Coney Island.
My friend's mom told me
not to come back.
My mom made sure of it.
I don't want you to associate
with those people.
Understand?
[Charlene] Growing up with a pair
of showbiz parents
wasn't easy, believe me.
I think years of doing shows
in the Catskills
and smoky nightclubs took
its toll on them.
It's no wonder
I ended up in therapy.
If Charlene doesn't kill us,
your driving is going to.
[Mel] Oh, leave me alone.
Don't tell me...
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I know what I'm talking about.
Worst driver I've ever been with
in my whole life, I'll tell you right now.
[Mel] The worst driver...
No, I'm a good driver, oh!
Look what you made me do!
What I made you,
are these hands on the wheel?
Don't tell me
what I made you do!
These hands around your neck,
that's what these hands...
[truck horn honks]
Very nice, in front of your daughter.
Very nice.
[light piano and violin music]
[Charlene] One time my parents
forced me to perform a violin recital
in front of the whole family.
Grandma's double Ds
doubled as a music stand.
I was ridiculed
for my creativity.
Everybody laughed, including
my sisters, Louise and Karen,
and my obnoxious brothers,
Dave and Cliff.
[all laughing]
When Grandma died, which was
in no way related to the violin playing,
my parents came into
a large inheritance.
Silvers, blindfolds off!
Wow!
[Charlene]
Coney Island was behind us,
and my dad bought the most
tasteless mansion in Manhattan.
I told you, Charlene,
there's no firing squad.
[Charlene] When I was told
there were 30 rooms
and 11 and a half bathrooms,
I figured there'd be plenty
of places to hide.
[light jazz music]
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome.
I'm Mrs. Silver.
Now this, of course,
is the living room,
or as I like to call it,
Le Salon.
We like everything
around here immaculate.
I like a clean mansion,
all right?
To begin with,
these are my objects d'arte.
Very rare.
Mang Dynasty.
Soft cloth, no nails, no nails.
Scotchgard,
nothing to worry about here.
Uh-uh!
Only the family on the carpet.
I'm sorry.
Come around this way.
Over here, little objects.
There, of course, is my china.
It is locked.
Nothing to do with you,
but totally counted.
Just in case.
Just in case.
This we found in Transylvania.
This is cleaned with Bab-O
and a soft cloth.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Bab-O.
Do you understand the word?
Bab-O?
Now when you dry it, never rub.
We had a terrible thing happen.
You blow.
[blowing]
[Charlene] As fast as the agency
sent over prospective servants,
my mother would scare them away.
My siblings and I were forced
to do all the cleaning.
Just as I was about to report them
to the Child Welfare Department,
super Lawrence arrived from Haiti,
and we welcomed him with open arms.
[Mel] Hello!
Mr. Silver.
- Ah, welcome, Lawrence.
- Thank you, sir.
What?
Lord have mercy!
Snow!
[Mel laughing]
Snow!
What do you think of
your first snowfall?
It's beautiful, Mr. Silver.
Lawrence!
I'm going to call you that.
Isn't it exciting?
Your first day with us
and your first snowfall.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Did the agency tell you?
I used to be a singer.
[Mel] And a good one, too.
[light piano music]
[laughs]
♪ You made me love you
♪ I didn't wanna do it
And here I am at the
Playboy Club in Akron.
They held me over
six weeks, Lawrence.
Six weeks.
Oh.
And I was opening
for Cookie Combo there.
He thought I was
going to be a star.
And here I am pregnant.
I was married to Mel already.
[crying]
Here I am pregnant.
Oh, ma'am.
You were very pretty.
What do you mean "were"?
She's still gorgeous.
- A rose never loses its bloom.
- Mel!
Sorry, Mr. Silver.
Do you remember that song
from my repertoire about the roses?
- And the tulips.
- That's the one!
♪ You made me sigh for
♪ I didn't wanna do it
[laughs]
♪ I didn't wanna say it
♪ I need your love
Come over here.
[humming]
Come here.
Lawrence, you have to relax.
Right now they are in a Manhattan
nightclub about 20 years ago,
and my mom is on stage singing
to my dad in the audience.
Oh, gross.
Oh, my God.
[Klezmer music]
[Charlene] We were all banished
to summer concentration
camp, Camp Shalom.
For the first time in my life, I had
my freedom, but I felt kind of lonely.
[grunting]
When I first saw Todd DeWitt,
it was love at first sight.
[Todd] It likes to be touched.
[Charlene] Oh!
Todd, stop it!
[laughs]
[Todd] Look at it.
Look at it, it's twitching.
[laughs]
[Charlene] You touch it enough.
I know what you do
in here all alone.
[upbeat rock music]
Ow.
Ouch.
I thought this was
supposed to feel good.
It feels great.
[horn honks]
Well, my parents hated Todd.
It didn't fit in with
their new social status
for me to be dating a boy
who worked in a garage.
My parents' idea of the perfect
boyfriend was Robbie Applebaum.
That's because
his dad was a shrink
and they figured the Applebaum
doesn't fall far from the tree.
A doctor's son was almost
as good as a doctor.
Robbie, look, please
don't be hurt, you know,
but what we're doing here,
it has nothing to do with
any emotional attachment
that I feel towards you.
I know.
You're only doing this
to punish your parents for liking me
just because my dad's a shrink
and we live in Kings Point.
[chuckles]
I get this from girls
all the time.
[upbeat rock music]
The sun is shining,
but it's a black day for me, Lawrence.
No offense.
Charlene is my first child I've
ever had to go to a school for.
Excuse me, Mrs. Silver,
but my oldest brother Edward
once got so drunk that he
actually propositioned a nun.
How tragic for your mother.
Why are you telling me this,
Lawrence?
Because now, darlin',
you feel better,
knowing someone
is worse off than you.
No one's worse off
than I am, Lawrence.
I have stretch marks
that start at my ears.
Did Charlene have your permission
to cut school twice this week
and leave the field trip?
Absolutely not.
She only has my permission to go
to school and do her homework
and shoo the homeless away
from the front of our mansion.
My youngest sister Kathryn
used to cut school
and go drinking
at the 24-hour discotheque
where everyone was naked.
Here in Manhattan?
[Charlene] Now all I wanted
was acceptance.
The school year was starting,
so I decided to go back with a new look.
[upbeat rock music]
I was totally convinced
looking differently
would make me feel differently.
And, oddly enough, it did.
With my mother's wig on my head,
I was self-empowered
and above what everybody
else thought of me.
Marjie Shuler,
who is "Christie Brinkley meets Satan",
snapped me out of that idea.
Hey, your hair
really rings my bell.
Ding dong!
[laughing]
[Blanche] Charlene, you did not eat
your delicious turkey roll.
[Charlene] I'm dieting.
You are not dieting.
You lost your appetite because that
girl pulled you wig off at school
and you are humiliated.
You know, you don't have
to look so happy about it!
Okay?
It was your wig, and she has it!
And I'm never going back
to school!
Mel.
Mel, did you hear
that tone of voice?
Mel?
Mel, would you please tell her not
to speak like that to her mother?
Don't talk to your mother
like that!
[Charlene] Great.
[door slamming]
Now everybody hated me.
It was just one big happy
family united against me.
Except for Lawrence.
He was my only ally.
Lawrence gave me the courage
to stand up for myself.
[light orchestral music]
I sensed the satanic
blonde presence.
[sighs]
The cremation ceremony
for your wig
will be at 3:30
behind the boys' gym.
Will you attend?
Only if your bobby-socks
boobs are fine enough with it!
[laughing]
Bobby-socks boobs!
She has bobby-socks boobs!
Whoo!
I loved Todd.
If only my parents
could have seen it.
I tried reasoning with my dad.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
- Oh.
- Hi.
Do you want some, um,
cookies with your tea?
What tea?
You just talked over it.
I can't drink that now.
Dad, I'm your daughter, okay?
Our germs are related.
It's just tea.
Oy! Ugh!
Get me my eyewash.
Do you have to spit when you talk?
My goodness.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene] Then I tried
reasoning with my mom.
You are forbidden to see
that Flatbush boy ever again!
Lawrence!
They say you people
are excellent athletes.
Go get her for me.
Charlene!
Charlene!
Hold it, child.
Easy.
Take it easy.
All right.
Now good luck, hmm?
And remember, keep your eyes
open and your mouth shut
before your foot can walk in.
Mine has already worn
a path through my mouth.
- It's too late, Lawrence.
- All right.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene] Hi.
Oh, no.
Now what are we gonna do?
Todd, they won't let me see you.
Come inside.
Look, that's just it.
What if your parents
called the police?
Hmm?
The moment we're seen,
I'll be arrested for violating a minor.
Call your parents.
Tell them you're coming home.
What about us, Todd?
I... Charlene, maybe they're right.
Maybe it's for the best.
I can't jeopardize my dream
of one day owning
my dad's gas station.
[kids giggling]
[funk music]
Get in here!
Mother, Father, forgive me,
for I have sinned.
Not good enough, Charlene.
Do you understand me?
Not good enough!
We were worried sick!
I never thought I would live
to see the day
that my own daughter
turned out to be,
close your ears, children, a tramp!
A tramp!
I am ashamed, ashamed to
be seen with you in public.
Go upstairs and don't come
down until you go to college.
Are all my suitcases in?
[Mel] Everything's in.
I have your typewriter.
Okay.
Lawrence!
Lawrence, we're leaving!
Oh, look at you!
- Is that okay?
- Very college.
[laughs]
Okay, all right.
Remember everything
I have told you.
Yeah, I always do.
Eat breakfast no matter what.
It doesn't matter.
Men like a girl with a
little flesh on them.
And promise me, whatever you do,
remember the hitchhiking girl in Boston.
- That man was drunk...
- Hacked off her arms.
He chopped off her arms.
He's free, Charlene.
- Okay, all right.
- Her life was ruined.
She could never eat M&M's.
She could never eat corn
on the cob.
She could never knit anymore.
Be careful.
Okay, I'll be careful!
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye!
Bye!
Bye, Daddy.
Did mother tell you about
the hitchhiker from Boston?
Yeah, yeah, she told me.
- Be careful.
- Okay.
- Wait, where's my typewriter?
- There's your typewriter.
Call!
Call!
- [Charlene Voiceover]
I was free at last.
I was off to college
to pursue my dreams.
It turned out being grounded so much
helped me develop a vivid imagination.
I was convinced I was going to be
the next great American writer.
Bye!
[light orchestral music]
[Charlene] When I first saw Ray,
it was love at first sight.
- Charlene.
- What?
You're like a sports car
parked at the curb.
Even when it sits there,
it still looks fast.
It's my energy.
I've been told I have
an aura of noise about me.
You do.
I'm gonna be the last boyfriend
you'll ever have.
Are you planning to marry me
or kill me?
[knocking on door]
Enter.
Mom, Dad, I'm getting married.
Charlene, I, I didn't even
know you were going with anyone.
Well, I was afraid if I told
you about Ray,
you'd forbid me to see him.
Did he at least give you
an engagement ring?
Yeah.
May I see it, please?
May I just see it?
[laughs]
Oh, Charlene.
That is a pearl!
Not an engagement ring,
that is a cocktail ring.
Learn the difference.
An engagement ring is a diamond,
a cocktail ring is a pearl.
I don't even want to hear about this
boy anymore, do you understand me?
I don't want hear about him
until you get a real engagement ring.
He's a loser!
Lose him!
He's not a loser.
He has his own car.
[glass shattering]
[all cheering]
No sooner did I say I do
when my sister said...
And I do, too!
Joel and I have just
decided to get married.
Hey!
[Charlene Voiceover] Goosed!
On this, my very
own wedding day,
she announces her engagement
to Mr. Harvard Law School,
and I was marrying a man
who worked at Carpet World.
Where am I?
We're in the hospital.
How did we get here?
What happened to us?
We had a race car accident
on the way to the hotel.
A driver on the other side of
the road crashed right into us!
No witnesses!
No insurance!
The car vanished into thin air!
It took eight months for me to realize
that it was God behind the wheel
of the car that crashed us.
Does that answer your question?
He must have been trying
to stop us
from continuing
our hour-long marriage.
No.
Do you speak any English?
- Charlene!
- What?
I'm leaving you.
This isn't working out.
[upbeat rock music]
[Charlene Voiceover]
My disastrous first marriage over,
I decided to concentrate
on my writing career.
After sending out over 1,000 resumes,
I finally landed my first interview.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
Well, it, it's a nice resume,
you know?
It's not a great resume.
See, what's missing
from this resume
is I don't hear it say,
"Hire me".
A great resume says, "Hire me".
You hear it.
Do you hear anything?
I'm not hearing anything.
I'm listening, but I don't hear.
A great resume goes,
"Please hire me!
"Hire me right now
or I'll die in the streets!
"Oh, God, hire me!"
And I don't hear that here.
Okay, um, Mr. Levy,
I know my resume doesn't sound
desperate enough to you,
but I would do anything
to get this job.
- Look.
- What?
I was thinking.
You know,
I could easily hire you.
Really?
But see, the problem is
I'd be killing your career.
You would?
I'd be taking your career
and crushing, ow!
Ow!
- You did it again.
- I'm sorry.
- Like five fishhooks.
- Sorry.
[sighs]
I'd be killing your career.
You're too good to be doing
comic books.
- I am?
- Yeah.
I mean, look, did Shakespeare
do comic books?
I don't know.
Did he?
No, he didn't.
[sighs]
Anyway, look, I think you
should go out to the West Coast.
Really?
That way, you could live
and move ahead.
That's where you could spread
your wings.
Oh.
Oh, I see.
Now that I've spread my legs,
you mean.
Is that what you're saying?
Okay, so I probably shouldn't
have slept with him.
But he did give me
one good piece of advice.
I decided to join
my sister in LA.
Louise says there are
six things a woman
needs to get ahead here.
White clothes,
blonde highlights,
a tan, breast implants,
a good agent,
and the most important thing,
a psychic.
Oh, man.
Pack, Charlene.
Your sister's in therapy now
and is finally putting herself first.
[Charlene] You're gonna
throw me out, Louise?
Again?
I just moved to Los Angeles.
I thought...
Louise.
Louise.
I see you're gonna sell two TV scripts
and marry your boyfriend Mark.
Oh!
Congratulations.
You two have a brother
and he's gonna need
his own private bank
to store all the money he's
gonna make as a TV producer.
[Charlene] Wow.
It's really kind of exciting.
Oh.
Oh.
[Charlene] What?
I see two sisters
working with him.
Oh!
[Psychic] Louise and Karen.
Karen?
Wait a minute, um, Miss Psychic.
As you know, I'm paying
good money for this reading,
and I don't wanna hear
about Cliff and Dave and Karen.
I wanna hear about me.
What about me?
What happens to me?
Charlene, I have
your cup right here.
[Charlene] You do?
[Psychic] Charlene?
What?
You're going to marry
a doctor named Steven.
[Louise] Ooh.
I'm gonna marry a doctor?
A doctor named Steven?
[Psychic] That's what
it says right here.
Oh, my God!
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Does it, how, how do I meet him?
What, what do I do?
Just live your life and
he'll present himself.
Live my life?
What life?
Charlene.
[Charlene] What?
You, too, will know success,
but first you will know Steven.
[glass shattering]
[all cheering]
[Charlene] Lola's
predictions were coming true.
Louise was getting married,
and I hoped I was next.
Mel!
Mel!
Dad?
Oh, my God!
Daddy!
Daddy!
Are you all right?
Daddy, talk to me!
I hate this family so much!
Please send an ambulance
right away!
My father's having
a heart attack!
At my wedding!
[Charlene] Oh, my God!
Daddy, don't die!
Please don't die!
We love you so much!
Please, Daddy!
Breathe!
Charlene,
get the hell off of me!
Mel!
Mel, talk to me!
Say something!
Are the caterers
still gonna charge us?
[Blanche] Charlene,
get his Rolex.
They steal everything.
Doc, what happened to me?
Too much excitement
and a little indigestion, Mel.
You're gonna be fine.
[All] Ah!
I only hope my heart is half
as strong as yours
when I'm 10 years
younger than you.
Aw.
Excuse me, Dr. Steven?
May I have a word with you?
Certainly.
Is this covered
by the insurance?
I made a phone call.
Not only are we covered,
we're making money, Mel.
[Charlene] My name's Charlene.
Hi, Charlene.
I have a little problem,
and I was wondering
if you could help me with it.
What's the problem?
I, too, have a tremendous
pain in my heart,
and I'm not a hypochondriac
like my father.
What can I do for you, Charlene?
Well, I was wondering if you
might like to examine my chest.
- I'd be delighted.
- Thank you.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Wow.
You have a very big heart.
Um, that's because
I'm not wearing a bra.
[giggles]
I have a nine-inch needle that
can cure pretty much anything.
Nine inches?
Will it hurt?
Yes.
But I could
give it to you orally.
Well, Doctor, I think I may be in need
of that kind of extreme treatment
sometime in the very near future,
so, um, do you have a card or...
Absolutely.
Any way I can get a hold of you?
Telephone?
Pager number?
Fax, perhaps?
Oh.
- Are these your children?
- Yes, except for the Asian albino.
Wow, so many of them.
Your wife must be very fertile.
- Actually, my ex-wife.
- Oh.
- Very fertile.
- Hmm.
Listen, I'm actually
moving back to Los Angeles
to be near the big-headed one.
He's developed a complex about
the size of his head.
Well, what a coincidence.
I recently moved to Los Angeles
myself to get away from my family.
I have a complex about
the size of my family.
[laughs]
Well, why don't we get together?
Here's my number.
I'd love to play Hide
the Thermometer with you.
I happen to be very good with
long, cylindrical objects.
Good.
[dramatic organ music]
Would you like to examine
my chest again?
Please.
[dramatic organ music]
♪ Does he live
Before my date,
I had a major makeover
at the Beverly Center.
I hope he liked
the new redheaded me.
- Echinacea?
- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
It's good for
your immune system.
I love 'em.
I take 'em all the time.
[Woman] Shh.
Oh, you shh.
Aside from my heart,
I'm actually a very healthy person.
You certainly are.
How's your heart?
I bet you have a cute one.
[giggles]
[Woman] Hey.
[Charlene] What?
Shut up.
[pager buzzing]
- I got a page.
- Oh, no.
- I have to answer this.
- Now?
Dr. Frankenstein is
just about to sing.
I know.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Woman] Excuse me.
Can you sit down, please?
[giggles]
[Man] Hey.
Do you mind?
[Woman] Sit down.
[Man] My life begins...
I couldn't believe it.
The actor playing Dr. Frankenstein
was Steffon Stevens.
Suddenly it hit me.
Maybe my Steven was an actor
playing a doctor.
Oh, my God.
I love this person.
He's great.
I'm gonna have to take off.
There's an emergency
at the hospital.
Oh, no.
Will you call me?
Please, call me.
- I will.
- Call me on your cell phone.
[giggles]
Do you mind?
This is private.
Can you believe people?
Let him live!
[dramatic organ music]
[audience applauding]
[Steffon] Well, hello there.
- Hello.
- Lost your way?
Ah.
Good evening, Doctor,
ahem, Mr. Stevens.
- Please, call me Steffon.
- Okay, Steffon.
I'm a big fan of yours,
and I have an idea for a
screenplay starring you
that I think could be
a blockbuster.
Now, I want to be
perfectly honest,
I'm not one of those big
Hollywood producers
with money to throw around.
I can't, for example,
take you to the Palm
and buy you blackened swordfish.
But what I can do is I can offer you
a cup of coffee with the lid on.
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
- What's your name again?
- Oh, I'm Charlene.
[passionate moaning]
Steffon, do you like my idea?
Oh, I love, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
Me as a comic book
hero, like Superman.
- Yes, I like it.
- Yes.
Yes.
Only you would be
called Shakespeare Man.
You'd be fighting crime
using the abilities and the powers
of Shakespearean characters.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Do you like it?
Yes, the magic of the, and the courage
of Henry V, not to mention Romeo.
Yes.
[car horn honks]
I like it.
I like it.
- Really?
- I like you, too.
I like you, too,
Steffon Stevens.
- Steffon?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to make you a star.
[laughs]
I'm ready for my close-up,
Miss DeMille.
[light jazz music]
[Charlene Voiceover] A major studio
bought "Shakespeare Man"
and Steffon went off to England
to shoot it.
I saw my first
five-figure check.
I was busy, happy,
productive, and in love,
until I got a phone call
from Steffon
telling me he fell in love
with his costar.
I stayed at home nights
playing Internet gambling.
But even winning at Galaxy World
didn't do it for me.
Then it hit me.
I needed a real doctor,
not an actor.
I had made a terrible mistake.
[passionate moaning]
[intercom beeping]
[Woman Over PA] Dr. Stevens,
the princess and her father are here.
My daddy's here?
- Look, I'm gonna have to call you.
- No, don't go.
Please stay.
- Leave something with me.
- Leave something?
[laughs]
Here. This picture.
Oh.
Thank you.
[door clicking]
[singing in foreign language]
[Steven] Hello, my princess.
- How are you?
- Hello, my love.
Can we have a moment of privacy?
Actually, we have reservations
down at Matutu's at eight o'clock.
Oh, but, Steven, you know
my father's always around.
I know.
I kinda like it when Dad's around.
It makes things exciting.
Feel like we're gonna get caught.
- Come on.
- Steven.
You don't want to miss that
voodoo burger now, do you?
Side of melon.
[imitating foreign language]
[Charlene Voiceover] This doctor business
was a little trickier than I thought.
But I wasn't about to give up
on my destiny.
I just needed to expand
my search.
[light muzak]
[rings bell]
Can I help you?
Um, yes.
I only want to date doctors who have
a first or a last name Steven.
So I was wondering if I might
be able to get a price break
on my membership.
No.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, um, how about
if you ask your boss?
No.
Oh.
Well, that's too bad.
I really had my hopes up there
for a minute.
[Man Over PA] Charlene Silver!
What?
We'd like to present to you
Dr. Steven Stevenson,
the man of your dreams.
Okay.
[light organ music]
Oh!
Good!
Ha ha!
You're nice.
Very...
Aah!
I'll take all of 'em.
Hmm.
Manly.
Oh, nice!
Oh!
Oh, I want it!
Oh, honey!
Oh!
- Hello.
- Hello, Dr. Steven Stevenson.
- Yes, uh...
- Charlene.
- Charlene.
- Yes.
- So nice to see you.
- Thank you.
- How tall are you?
- Um, I'm five, seven.
- How much do you weigh?
- I don't know.
Why don't you pick me up
and find out?
It's not that important.
Don't mind me.
- Please have a seat.
- All right.
It's just that most women who wear
long skirts don't have nice legs.
Hmm.
Really?
You see, I'm used to dating
girls who wear short skirts or dresses
if they have nice legs,
or a cut above the knee if they don't.
Oh. Well,
how unbelievably fascinating.
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I accidentally kick, what?
- What, the shoes are no good?
- Well, that depends.
[Charlene] Uh-huh.
Do you think sexy is cool?
Is this a trick question?
Don't mind me.
I'm just a doctor, you know me.
[laughs]
That's right.
That's what I keep
reminding myself.
You're just a doctor.
Just a pugilistic, athletic,
motorcycle-riding, fun-loving doctor.
What do I know?
Well, I think it's
time for a drink.
- How about a glass of wine?
- I would love a glass of wine.
Perfect.
- [Charlene Voiceover]
His message was clear.
I had to completely
change my style
if I wanted to date him.
I was outraged at how
readily I was willing to
transform myself to please him.
[upbeat rock music]
Charlene?
[retching]
You okay?
[retching]
[coughing]
You want a napkin?
Thank you.
[coughs]
I think I got nauseous.
You were going around
those turns so fast, I just...
Charlene, I'm sorry,
but I, I just think that, uh,
this is not gonna
work out with us.
We're just too different.
Okay.
Let me take you back home.
Come on.
No.
You know what?
I think I'll just walk.
It's not that far.
Charlene, hold on a second.
Come here. Come here.
Um, let me drive you home
and then we'll break
up later, okay?
- Okay.
- All right?
All right?
Come on.
- Come on.
- You won't drive too fast?
No, no, no.
I'll drive too slow, okay?
[starts engine]
All my children
are nose boogies.
This is the worst blizzard
they ever had in New York,
and, Charlene,
not one of you has called me.
Mom, Momma, I can't believe you.
All you do is complain.
Do I call you every time
we have an earthquake?
No.
Okay, so fine.
Your house is cold,
but it's not like it was picked up
and thrown around like mine was.
I don't...
[Blanche sneezing]
Mom?
[Blanche sneezing]
Hello, Mom?
[phone clicking]
Mom?
I called my mother
looking for comfort.
I don't know
why I wasted my time.
We just got stuck in the game
of dueling disasters.
Which reminds me of my parents'
favorite pastime, dueling ailments.
I think I just snapped
my clavicle.
Blanche, Blanche, my back
is killing me, Blanche.
My head.
It's like two elephants
are mating inside there.
Am I the only one who thinks
this room is spinning?
Mel, do your fingers
ever feel numb?
Just the tips?
- Tingling.
- Yes.
A tingling.
Like a tingling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not a stroke, God forbid.
I'm so nauseous.
I'm so nauseous,
and yet I'm still hungry.
- Hungry.
- I'm nauseous and I'm hungry.
[Charlene] It was around this time
that I realized I needed
to get a grip on my life.
There's more important things
than trying to marry a doctor
and please my parents,
like my career.
I started a new job
writing and producing,
and I was finally
through with men.
[upbeat rock music]
[Joey] Charlene,
Charlene, Charlene.
Hello, Joey.
You know, last night,
I had a dream that
we were lost in a desert
without anything
to drink or eat...
Right.
But each other.
That's not a dream,
that's a nightmare.
[slurping]
- What is that bewitching scent?
- It's Bengay.
Oh.
Hmm.
- You know something, Joey?
- Yeah?
Not all women are susceptible
to a gorgeous guy
with a great body such as
yourself and no personality.
Honey, the stone age is over.
This is the '90s.
Get with it.
[door clicking]
[sighs]
Women.
Oh!
[door clicking]
[passionate moaning]
Charlene?
Charlene, I need to
speak to you at once.
[Charlene] Hold on one second.
I'll be right out.
Hurry.
This is an emergen...
I'm terribly sorry, Jane.
I was right in the middle
of something.
[door rattles]
Listen, you've got to get now
and do this trailer.
It's not even scary.
It doesn't work.
You've gotta put shots,
the sponsors are very upset.
- Okay.
- I don't like it.
You gotta have a lot of
helpless women, brutality.
I'll get right on it.
Do we have any shots of animals?
Excuse me.
No, excuse me.
Um, thanks.
Thank you, Johnny.
He, uh, he was fixing my modem.
He's really fast.
[laughs nervously]
- Three minutes!
- Okay.
- Now.
- Yes, sir, ma'am.
[sighing]
[explosion booming]
Okay.
All right, um, Dick.
I don't know the technical term
for what I want next,
but I'll just tell you
what I see in my head,
and then you can tell me
if you can handle it, okay?
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
[Charlene] Excuse me?
No, I, no offense, but, I mean,
other producers,
they don't work like this.
I mean, they got notes.
They know what frame
they want to go to.
[Charlene] Right.
Well, um...
What am I supposed to do,
go back through the whole thing?
Look, Richard, Dick,
I can understand what you are
saying about other producers,
but all producers are different.
I work a particular way.
For example, a lot of Richards
don't like to be called Dick,
but I can understand where
you're coming from,
'cause you see, if you know
you're a Dick right off the bat,
why wait for other people
to find out?
What's wrong with Dick?
All the men in my family
are Dicks.
Oh, my God.
Really?
[assistant laughs]
Oh, that's funny.
You're, you're really helping.
Don't encourage her.
Yeah.
Calling me names.
Calling me names.
Yeah, I never heard
Dick jokes before.
Wow, what a revelation.
I missed junior high school.
Why don't you get some talent?
Why don't you try that,
Miss New York prodigy?
If I said the same thing to you,
I'd end up in a court somewhere.
You know why?
[Charlene] Why?
Okay, fine.
Fine.
- You just crossed the line.
- Which line?
[Dick] You crossed that line.
- This line here?
- That's right.
It's called harassment, lady,
and you're gonna get it.
You're gonna get it right now.
You can't cross that line.
Dick is a proud name.
It's a strong name, and
I am proud to be a Dick.
- Oh, good.
- That's right.
Now.
You're gonna get it right now.
Run, Dick, run.
Run to Jane.
Oh, that's clever.
"Run, Dick, run".
Yeah, I'll tell her about that.
Kiss me, baby!
Kiss me!
Get it, Dick?
Kiss me, Dick?
I don't think so.
I think that's a job for Jane.
Oh, it's Jane's job?
It's Jane's job?
I'm sure she'll be very happy
to hear that. Jane's job.
And you shut the hell up.
I don't want to hear from you.
You know what, baby,
this ain't my first barbecue.
Okay.
All right, bye.
[assistant laughs]
Jane?
Uh, yeah, look out.
Charging Dick
coming right at you.
[pounding on door]
That producer
has got some balls!
Did somebody say balls?
Dear God, what have I said?
No, no.
No, no.
Jane, Jane,
there is no reason to disrobe.
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I could come back another time
when you're not so large-breasted.
We can talk another time.
Remember my heart.
Dick, shh.
[Dick] Is that a new blouse?
It can be, Dick.
[Dick] No.
[Jane] It can be, Dick.
No, no, we're not doing
the animal kingdom thing.
- Yes.
- No.
I cannot do the
animal kingdom thing.
- Meow.
- No.
- Meow.
- Don't make me do it.
- You're scaring me.
- Big kitty.
- You're gonna hurt me.
- Big kitty.
Meow.
[howls]
[howls]
[both howling]
[barks]
[growls]
[trumpets]
Act like a monkey!
Act like a monkey!
[screeching]
Oh!
Oh!
I'm gonna ride you
like a stallion, baby!
Give it to me!
Mmm!
[Charlene] Because
of my childhood,
I'm never surprised when hating me
brings two people together.
[shouting]
- You wanted to see me, Jane?
- Charlene, you're fired.
[Charlene] What?
Yes.
You've pushed everybody's
buttons here, including Dick's,
who's been pushing mine
just minutes ago.
[Charlene] Dick's been...
Dick!
[Charlene] Oh, my God.
Yes, ma'am?
How you doing?
[Charlene]
Better than you, I guess.
Do you realize what you've done?
[Charlene] No, what have I done?
Do you know what you've done?
You have driven a perfectly
sane woman insane!
Excuse me?
Perfectly sane?
You sleeping with a moron like that Dick
and you call yourself perfectly sane?
You're fired!
[Charlene] All right, fine!
I'm happy to go!
Out!
[Charlene] All right!
I'm leaving!
- Now!
- All right.
- Okay, fine.
- Now!
Oh, my God.
All right, fine, fine, fine.
- I'm out of here.
- Pull up that dress!
[light jazz music]
[sighs]
[Charlene] I'm just not cut out
to work in an office.
But everything always works out
for the best.
I sold a TV pilot called
"Dick and Jane's Wild Kingdom".
I made enough money for
a down payment on my new home.
Hello, Hollywood.
[car horn honking]
Hey, dude, we heard you
the first time!
[Steven] It's broken!
[Charlene] What?
[Steven] It's broken!
[Charlene] Well, can you do
something about it?
[horn honking]
I rent the house next to yours.
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
Shut that off.
Oh.
[laughs]
- You're good with your hands.
- Oh, thanks.
My name's Steven Binder.
Hi.
I'm Charlene.
Charlene Silver.
I'm just moving in here.
I just bought this house.
That's great.
That's great.
You may, uh, you may hear me rehearsing
at night with my band, Medicine Man.
Oh, really?
You have a band?
Yeah.
I'm the lead singer.
- Really?
- Yeah.
[Charlene] Wait a minute.
What did you say
your name was again?
Steven.
[Charlene] And your band
is called Medicine Man?
Yeah.
[Charlene] I had no intention
of going back on my Steven hunt,
but, hey, the guy showed up
right at my front door,
delivered to me like a pizza.
You can't ignore fate.
We're on fire!
You're pregnant.
Oh, my God!
I don't believe it!
- I'm pregnant?
- You're pregnant.
I have to call my mom.
That's my private line.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have a pay phone?
Purse!
[laughing]
[telephone rings]
Hello.
Mom? Dad?
It's Charlene.
Mel, it's Charlene!
Hello, sweetheart.
Remember when I told you
this was a friendly neighborhood?
I'm pregnant!
- Pregnant?
- Yes.
Yes.
[Both] Pregnant?
Yes!
I'm pregnant!
It was the guy next door.
Well!
Isn't that a wonderful
housewarming gift!
He's a loser!
Lose him!
Dad, Dad, he is not a loser.
He's the Doctor Steven the
psychic was talking about.
[Both] A doctor?
Yes.
- Mel!
- A doctor?
D-o-c-t-o-r.
A doctor!
[both cheering]
♪ You made me love you
Mom?
♪ I didn't wanna do it
♪ I didn't wanna do it
Okay.
♪ You made me want you
♪ And all the time you knew it
♪ I guess you always knew it
Mom?
♪ You made me happy
♪ Sometimes
♪ And made me sad
♪ But there were times, Mel
♪ When you made me feel
♪ So bad
Boom, boom, boom.
I'm pregnant!
[laughs]
- Pregnant?
- Yes, I'm pregnant.
[laughs]
I don't know with what,
but it's yours.
[laughs]
♪ Sex hex
♪ Seed breeds
♪ All I was doing
♪ Was meeting my needs
♪ Sperm yolk
♪ Next time I'll think
♪ Before I poke
[dog barking]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ New father
♪ Oh yeah
♪ I found you
♪ Love like I want
♪ Oh yeah
♪ Oh yeah
♪ It's going
♪ Like I knew you would
♪ All
♪ You all
♪ Oh
♪ Isn't that the way
♪ I'll take the right
♪ Not too bad
♪ Grab the shift
♪ Like everything
♪ I need your love
Charlene?
Are you okay?
What happened?
[light acoustic guitar music]
♪ We'll try again
Okay.
♪ Don't you cry, my friend
[Charlene] Okay.
♪ And we won't quit
♪ Till we get it right
♪ Mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm mmm mmm
♪ Mm mm
♪ Mm mm mm
♪ Mmm mmm mmm
[telephone rings]
I'll get it.
Probably my mom.
[Steven] Hello.
It's my mom, isn't it?
Yeah, well, it's been a month
since the miscarriage,
but I still think she thinks
she's pregnant.
Hey, are you talking about me?
She's gonna die of cholesterol
overdose, let me tell you.
I'm eating for two.
Disgusting.
You should see this.
You're disgusting.
[Steven] No, you're disgusting.
You're disgusting!
[Steven] No, you're disgusting!
And I paid for it, too!
[light acoustic guitar music]
Oh, Steven?
It's planting time.
Oh, what a turn-on.
"Steven, it's time
to attack the egg.
"Time to do the seed deed.
"Rush hour in the love canal.
"Scrum around the ovum.
"Bring on the sperminator".
That's what sex
has become with you.
Really?
Now what do you have
to say for yourself?
Please?
I'll give you a blowjob.
You're pregnant with twins.
Oh.
I'm so happy,
I feel like I wanna cry.
I am gonna cry.
You're pregnant, aren't you?
I'm twice as pregnant!
It's twins!
[laughs]
♪ We lost one
♪ Now we got two
♪ Girl, I gave some
♪ Super sperm to you
[laughing]
♪ So you better
♪ Treat your man super, too
♪ Even though your skin
♪ Felt clammy
♪ I gave you a double whammy
♪ Of sperm with love
♪ From me to you
♪ We lost one, now we got two
♪ We got two
♪ Girl, I gave some
♪ Super sperm to you
♪ So you better
♪ Treat your man super, too
♪ Even though your skin
♪ Felt clammy
♪ I gave you a double whammy
♪ Of sperm with love
♪ From me to you
[scat singing]
Charlene,
I can't take it anymore!
You married a man, not a maid.
I could understand if you were
a bit more appreciative,
but all you ever do is give me blowjobs
since you've been pregnant
and you never swallow!
I told you, I'm allergic.
[yelling gibberish]
[Charlene] Fear of another
miscarriage kept me on
the couch for nine months.
It drove Steven over the edge.
[telephone rings]
[Steven screaming]
Hello?
Um, he's in the middle
of something right now.
Can I help?
Yeah, I'll see if
he can break away.
Hold on.
Steven?
Steven, it's your agent.
It's Monty.
Monty.
It's your agent.
I think maybe he has a job
for you or something.
Hello?
It's over, Charlene.
I'm glad my super double whammy
is helping you fulfill
your life's dream.
Now it's my turn to go out
and fulfill mine.
Good-bye.
Steven, wait.
[grunting]
- Ready to meet your kids?
- Yeah. Okay.
Oh, Dr. Ruth?
Dr. Ruth?
Yes?
I have an idea.
Why don't we just skip
the C-section altogether
and we can pull them
directly out of my mouth?
That's my largest orifice
anyway.
[Doctor] It's okay, Charlene.
Okay.
[Doctor] You're gonna be fine.
[yelling]
- [Charlene Voiceover]
When the drugs kicked in,
my mother appeared to me
in a horrible nightmare.
Charlene, Charlene, Charlene.
This is your mommy.
Your boys have weenies.
You must be careful.
Louise, these are delicious.
Oh!
What a fabulous spread!
Look at this.
Salami, chicken mix, potato chips.
Charlene, it's magnificent.
Oh, delicious.
Don't need to cover it up.
I'll cover it.
What's going on with
the cellophane, Dad?
Charlene!
Take it off.
People think you're not
supposed to eat the food.
Take it off.
It'll spoil!
This is not New Jersey.
You'll eat it after the bris.
Know-it-all!
Know-it-all!
Leave it off.
This is my bris.
It's not your bris.
I want things the way I want it.
Charlene, people are listening,
keep it down.
Mom, can I speak with you
just for a minute?
Mom, I have fallen
deeply in love.
That's wonderful!
Mazel tov!
- What's her name?
- Her name is Leo.
[coughs]
You're a pansy boy?
Cliff, it's all right.
It's all right.
- It's not your fault, it's my fault.
- Mom, it's not anybody's fault.
It's my fault, Cliffy.
I should've never have
let you pick out fabric.
I should've never have
let you paint my toenails.
I should never, never,
never let you go
three years in a row
as Cher on Halloween.
Come on, he's here.
I want you to meet him.
- [Charlene Voiceover]
Personally, I have nothing
against gay men.
It's just that every
time they get together,
I lose two potential husbands.
This is Leo.
Oh!
Mom!
Oh, my God!
Call 911!
Honey!
What have I done?
Mel!
He's got braids.
[knocking on door]
Hola.
Marisole Martinez?
Si. Hola.
Senora...
Charlene.
Call me Charlene.
- Charlene, me gusta, Charlene.
- Thank you.
The kids are upstairs, sleeping.
[speaking foreign language]
Yes, yes.
So, um,
no, no, no, no, no.
Come in, come in,
come in, come in.
We'll go upstairs
and take a look at them.
Hasta la vista.
Andale.
[both laugh]
It was tough being a single mom,
but with Marisole's help,
we got through
the terrible twos.
Can you clear for a minute
while me and my boys pass?
You see,
when my boys are big enough,
and they'll be playing
with you, too.
In your dreams, lady!
Excuse me?
That one's not a boy,
that's a girl.
No, he's not!
He's a boy!
No, that's a girl!
No, he's a boy, and he's macho,
just like his mom!
You're not macho!
You have titties!
Ha.
No, wait a minute.
These are not titties,
they're hand grenades,
and I'm gonna throw
one at you right now!
You, too!
That's right, kids!
Keep running!
That's right!
Keep running!
Unbelievable!
Where are their mothers?
Can you believe that?
Unbelievable.
When you get big,
don't play with those bad boys.
[light jazz music]
Between writing and
taking care of my kids,
it had been a long time
since my last date.
One day while cleaning
out my closet,
I found my old
Dr. Steven paper dolls.
Now, don't get me wrong,
I wasn't going back
on my Steven quest,
but this guy was worth
another look.
Hello, Steven?
Yeah, yeah, it's Charlene.
How did you know it was me?
Ha ha.
I do not have a funny voice.
[light orchestral music]
There he was in all his Roman
god-bachelor glory.
Being single obviously
agreed with this guy.
The great thing about being
attracted to unavailable men
is they're always available.
Justice, play nice.
[Steven] It's really nice of you
to come here with the kids.
Yeah, they really love it here.
They like to play
with the balls.
Does Mommy play
with the balls, too?
- Sometimes.
- Yeah?
You should go in
there, too, you know?
[Charlene] Oh, I don't think so.
I'm too big for that.
[Steven] Really?
[Charlene] Yeah.
Maybe we should
go in there together.
[laughs]
You look pretty good.
[Steven] Yeah?
You look good for an aging,
confirmed bachelor
with no marital prospects
on the horizon any time soon.
[Steven]
Well, I, I loved your lips.
Hmm.
Thank you.
[Steven] I loved your lips.
Thank you.
[Steven] You're welcome.
Justice?
Justice!
Oh, my God!
Justice!
Justice!
[Steven] It's all right.
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, where are you?
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, where are you?
Justice!
Justice, answer me!
[Steven] I'm looking for him!
Justice!
Justice!
Justice, this isn't funny!
Where are you?
Justice!
Charlene, I got him.
Charlene, he's right here.
I got him.
I got him.
He's right here.
They're both right here.
[Charlene] Oh, my God.
They're doing all right.
Yeah, come on.
He was just over here looking
at the ocean and stuff.
Mommy was so worried!
Oh, honey!
That was great.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- I had a good time.
So did I.
Thanks for all the balloons,
and thanks for the
refrigerator magnet and...
No problem.
So, um, do you have
a date tonight or what?
No, I'm just gonna go home
and practice my violin
and smoke my pipe.
Hmm.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
Especially the pipe part.
[laughs]
Well, I guess the boys
will sleep well tonight.
Yeah.
And if you take a Valium,
so will their mom.
[laughs]
- Oh, your coat.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
Don't wanna take that.
[Steven] Let me help you.
[Charlene] Thank you.
Drive safely.
[Charlene] All right, I will.
I always do.
Okay.
[Charlene] Okay.
Take care.
[Charlene] All right, I will.
The problem with Dr. Steven Stevenson
was he's too good-looking,
he's too well-endowed,
and he's much too successful.
How could he not be
a womanizer?
I have to move on.
I've laid off the doctors,
but the Stevens
just keep coming.
Ironically, my new
boyfriend's name is Steven,
Steven Troy,
but he's a contractor.
A very good one, I might add.
Work's all finished, ma'am.
Did you fix the stone
on the pavement?
It's fixed.
What about the drip
in the fountain?
It's fixed.
Did you screw in the light
by the gate?
It's fixed.
Are you ready to be paid?
I'm ready.
Come upstairs, Mr. Troy.
I think I have something
that might interest you.
Good thing
I brought my hammer.
[country music]
[passionate moaning]
Nice.
[Steven] I wanna
bronze your labia minora.
Really?
[laughs]
Okay.
[passionate moaning]
[giggles]
[moaning]
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Um, condoms.
Safe sex.
Do you have any?
Uh...
In my bathroom.
Wait. Hold on.
Stay there.
Stay, stay, Rover.
[moaning]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Bring it on home!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Whoo!
- Hell.
- Oh, God.
Oh!
- You know what they say.
- What?
Seventh time is a charm.
[both laugh]
[knocking on door]
[Charlene] Hello.
Hey.
[Charlene] How are you?
- I'm good.
- Good.
How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
- Good.
I'm fine.
Cute.
Yeah, I think, you know,
they'll like it.
They're sleeping.
They should wake up pretty soon.
If you wanna wait, we can maybe
have a cup of tea out on the patio.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll make it.
I'll be right out.
All my divorced male friends
envy my ex-husband
because I set him up
with other women.
I do it for me,
because the happier he is,
the less guilty I feel
for driving him over the edge.
And then also for my sons,
because I'd like their stepmom
to be someone who doesn't
have a police record.
Here we go.
A little tea I whipped up myself
in the recesses of my kitchen.
The contractor did a nice job
with the terrace.
Yeah, well Steven does
a great job with everything.
Another Steven.
Mm-hmm.
Well, obviously
you've slept with him.
Obviously?
What obviously?
- Well, duh.
- Duh.
Okay. All right.
Fine, I slept with him.
- So?
- Well, like, of course you did.
What kind of medicine
does he practice?
He's a sexual healer.
Every time he walks in the room,
I hear Marvin Gaye singing
"Sexual Healing".
Please, Charlene.
You know, the problem
with you and I is we just,
we just don't communicate
very well.
Boy.
You said it.
Once you ran out of songs,
there was really nothing left
to say, was there?
I do think you have
nice breasts, though.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
They're implants.
I'll leave them to you in my will.
- No way!
- Yes way.
Ha ha.
- You had me fooled.
- Goosed.
Every time a man is fooled,
another plastic surgeon
gets his wings.
That is, like, such
a good job, really.
Thank you.
I'm glad you appreciate it.
Hey!
Hey, you!
Give a kiss, Daddy!
Come on,
I want a kiss over here, too.
Come on.
Come on.
Give me a kiss, give me
a kiss, give me a kiss.
Come on.
Mmm-whah!
How you guys doing?
Who wants the chicken?
Who wants the bear?
Who wants the chicken?
You want the bear?
You want the chicken?
[dramatic orchestral music]
Who wants to play
with the truck?
All right!
[upbeat funk music]
Dr. Steven?
Excuse me, can you, um, hi.
[Steven] Hi.
Can I help you?
Um, yes.
As a matter of fact, you can.
Look, I'm in extreme need
of a physical for work,
and since
we're in the same building,
I thought maybe if you give me
your card,
I could call you
for an appointment.
I'd love to.
Lord knows I can use
the business.
But unfortunately, I'm only
licensed to examine your feet.
My feet?
Only my feet?
A podiatrist.
So what exactly is it
you guys do anyway?
At least he's not
a proctologist.
I wouldn't want one of those guys
handling the boys' bottles.
I'm sure you've been told
many times you have beautiful legs.
Well, not many times,
but thank you.
I can't believe I've never
run into you before.
It just seems, sorry.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
Well, I know. It seems
working in the same building,
you'd think we'd sooner or later
bump into each other.
Yeah, you would think,
you know, you being a podiatrist
and me being in sales.
Yeah.
You know, I can't help notice,
but your feet are perfect.
What are they,
a seven and a half, an eight?
Oh, my God.
You do know what you're doing?
They're seven and a half.
And those are lovely shoes.
Were they some sort of reptile?
Yes.
Rattlesnake.
Dangerous Ecuadorian
rattlesnake.
- Killed him myself.
- Really?
Skinned him.
Ate the flesh.
Made shoes
out of the attractive skins.
Well, I think that's a good
result for a snake,
to end up a shoe
on a beautiful woman's foot.
Oh, thank you.
[laughs]
Well, so I wish I could
compliment your outfit,
but I just can't.
I know.
It's sort of doctor-ware.
- You're gonna get...
- Utilitarian.
Yeah.
[Charlene] I always wanted
to use that word in a sentence.
Ha ha.
- Well, this my floor.
- Oh, really?
It's been highly enjoyable
traveling the escalator with you.
Yes.
Since we're flirting...
- We are?
- Well, I think we are.
I just wanted to
disclose the fact
that my wife and I of 10
years separated two weeks ago.
Oh, really?
We're getting divorced.
I'm not running around
or anything, but...
Oh.
- I'm really sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.
You, uh, you seem
like somebody that's been hurt,
and I feel like you might
need a shoulder to cry on
sometime in the very near future.
So, uh, I wanna give you this.
"Dr. Anton Bowman, L.C.S.W."
What does that stand for?
Well, it stands for a very
experienced psychotherapist.
I think you'll like him.
His fees are reasonable,
and he has quite large feet.
So I walked away.
I mean, there was nothing
wrong with this guy,
but I could see he wasn't ready
to start a new relationship.
Why is it so hard to find
the perfect man?
It's like I found the
ideal Doctor Steven,
but he's a combination
of six men.
[laughing]
It sounds like you and the boys
have gained something
from each of the Doctor Stevens.
Now who in the hell says
you have to pick one
and discard the rest?
Oh.
I don't know.
The, well,
the psychic never really said it like that,
but you know what?
You're right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Dr. Bowman, you're a genius.
Thank you so much.
Can I take these for my friends?
We have 45 minutes more.
Oh.
Sit down.
Look who's here!
Look how good you look!
Whoa!
Careful.
Careful.
Look who's jumping up
and down on the bed!
Is everybody here?
Are you ready for the party?
[laughing]
Is it party time?
Is it party time?
You know what?
My therapist was right.
All my Stevens have enriched
my life in one way or another.
Tonight, I've decided
to celebrate my birthday
with an unconventional
little party.
[light orchestral music]
Look how good you look!
You got your hat on.
Hey, Noble, you wanna come
over here and enjoy the party?
So, how's your son,
the big-headed one?
You know,
[laughing]
the insecure one?
He has four kids.
[Steven] Really?
Justice, you know,
it's time for him to get a...
I want to get him
a really good guitar.
That would be great.
[Steven] You know,
like, a little microphone.
[laughing]
You know, I watch you
with those kids.
Did you?
Mm-hmm.
You look so much more
attractive with your kids.
I am.
Really?
In the front seat of the car.
[laughing]
Nothing exactly.
These are all friends of mine.
You may have noticed everybody
at the party is called Steven.
Yeah.
- I have a thing for Stevens.
- Right.
But mostly Doctor Stevens.
You're the first really physical
Steven that I ever had.
I kind of liked
where I ended up.
The boys are happy and healthy.
My career is going well.
Dr. Bowman is vacationing
in the Bahamas
with all the money
I paid him for therapy.
And my parents
are proud of me.
They finally stopped asking
when I'm gonna meet Mr. Right.
But more importantly,
I've stopped asking.
RIP-FIXES-SYNC
by VaVooM
[upbeat jazz music]
[light jazz music]
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Kissing you now
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Teaching you how
♪ I wonder who's looking
♪ Into your eyes
♪ Breathing sighs
♪ Telling lies
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Buying the wine
♪ For lips
♪ That I used to call mine
♪ I wonder if you
♪ Ever tell them the truth
♪ I wonder who's
♪ Kissing you now
[light jazz music]