Goodbye Love (1933) - full transcript
A sexy golddigger lands who she thinks is a wealthy big-game hunter from a royal family. What she doesn't know is that not only is he not wealthy, nor a big-game hunter nor from a royal family, but he's only a butler. Complications ensue as he tries to keep up the pretense.
-After the way he's treated
me-- the most beastly thing I've
ever heard of, and I
won't stand for it.
The judge told him to pay
and I won't take a cent less!
-After all, he's offered--
-A half a load.
Well, he can keep it and the
cheese that goes with it.
I'm used to luxury.
He can blame himself for that.
-The half he's offered you
is still a tidy monthly sum.
-I won't stand for
it, do you hear?
I won't stand for it!
I'll send him to jail first.
-Sending him to jail, Sandra, is
not going to help matters any.
He still has money, you know.
And in the alimony
jail he can buy
all the bottley
comforts he needs.
-That may be, Eddie.
But he'll be in
jail just the same.
And that'll cramp his style.
-All right.
Remember it's your
idea, not mine.
Sheriff's office.
-Well, this looks like my
last day of freedom, Dorothy.
There you are.
-It's a terrible
law, Mr. Hamilton.
-It was made for women.
You shouldn't complain.
Now about that private
little plan of ours.
Is it ready to launch?
-Yes, sir.
Not a sell at present
market prices.
Then I'm to secretly buy when
the stock hits a new low.
-Exactly.
Follow it out to
the letter, Dorothy,
while I'm sitting tight
in the alimony jail.
-I'm sure the former Mrs.
Hamilton will listen to reason
when your favorite
stock hits bottom.
-That's the purpose.
-You rang, sir?
-Rang?
-The, uh, pantry indicated
a registered tinkle, sir.
-No, I didn't ring.
-Must've been a mouse
nibbling on the wire.
I'll set a trap for it.
-Uh, Groggs.
You might bring me a highball?
Make it strong.
It may be my last.
-Highball strong and lasting.
Yes, sir.
-The stock will rise, of course.
-Yes, of course it will.
I haven't and
told the company, you know.
But the success of my
scheme depends upon you.
-You can rely on me.
-It hasn't taken me four
years to find that out.
You know, you're not like
a woman at all, Dorothy.
I mean, you're-- well,
you're dependable,
reliable, like a man.
No feminine nonsense.
-You understand business
very well, Mr. Hamilton.
-You bet I do.
When the proper time
comes, Jumbo Mines
will reach 80, perhaps 90.
What's the matter
with you, Groggs?
I am afraid I have
the upsy-dupsies today, sir.
-Nervous about my trouble, huh?
-There you are, sir.
-Mr. Hamilton, might-- uh,
might I ask you a favor?
-What's on your mind, Groggs?
-Well, since you are, uh,
since you might leave rather
unexpectedly, may I
have, uh, my check today
instead of the end of the week?
It might save me--
-Why certainly, Groggs.
Take care of that, darling.
-Yes, sir.
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Hamilton.
Thank you, miss.
-Well, what's the
hurry about your check?
-Alimony, sir.
You? Following
in your master's
footsteps, huh, Groggs?
-Well, I-- I tried not
to mention it, sir.
-Well, you kept out
of jail with any rate.
-Only by the skin of my
molars, if I might say so.
-Groggs, what is your
frank opinion of alimony?
-It's like paying for
a dead horse, sir.
Jumbo Platinum.
Jumbo Platinum Mine.
Jumbo Platinum.
Jumbo Platinum 18.
18, 19, Jumbo.
Hudson 22-223
-Theo!
Hello?
Oh, it's you, is it?
I don't want any excuses.
All I want from you is
one word-- did you get it?
Yes, Ducky,
yes, I've got it.
That is, I'm getting it, Ducky.
-Oh, don't Ducky me.
I'm not a duck.
I can't live on worms.
I need money.
I can't talk now
I'm in the bath.
-Oh, are you all wet, Ducky?
Well then you go on and play
with your boats and things,
and don't you worry any longer.
Because I've got a scheme
that will make me thousands.
And then you'll get
your pound of flesh.
-Oh, what would I do
with a pound of flesh?
I told you.
Any time you want to get rid
of me, $2,500 will do it!
-Ducky, how can you yodel
at a time like this?
-Ho, Mr. Brooks!
-Hiya, Dugan.
-What's the rumpus?
-The alimony club's in session.
They just elected Chester
Hamilton president.
-They ought to
change their anthem
to "The Battle Cry of Freedom."
-That's what the
wives are singing.
-Here, try to
imagine this as good.
-Hey, Dugan, anything
on the book against me
taking a peek at
the new specimen?
-No, step right in.
The wife
was kicking 'cause I
didn't kick in every week.
Why, I couldn't even kick into
the cops who posed by speed.
Laws of
case I keep it well.
I never squawked.
- When she wanted the.
- I took a walk.
-Where does she get off to
criticize the things I did?
I was chasing chorus girls
when Ziegfield was a king.
-Hello, Brooks.
How long are you in for?
-Oh no, I'm still at liberty.
I'm just visiting.
-He's a member of
the press, gentlemen.
Would you care to tell
him your sad stories?
-Sure, spill it, boys.
Tell me your side of
it, and I'll give you
a break and some
swell publicity.
-How 'bout it, George?
Want to say a few
well-chosen words?
-Yes, I would.
It's all wrong.
My wife and I were getting
along fine together at first,
till some other people
started making trouble.
Some girlfriends of
hers, married men that
were making more
money than I do.
Because I couldn't give her
fur coats and cars, things
that they had, they
said I wasn't any good.
It isn't fair when a fella
does everything he can and then
gets thrown in jail
by a woman instead
of getting another chance.
It isn't fair.
-Anybody else want to discuss
the psychology of love?
-Yeah, sir, Mr. President.
-Go on.
My wife as got herself a
bad case of hips.
And when I first tell her
she gotten me thrown in here.
And now I got to pay her board
and keep her boyfriend too.
-Mr. President!
Mr. President.
I want to make a speech.
-All right, Tony.
Go ahead.
-My Rosa.
My Rosa.
My beautiful Rosa.
We are very, very happy
together when someday along
comes a blonde dame and she
says to my beautiful Rosa,
she says, look, how you
like to have no more babies?
How you like to
make no more a-cook?
How you like no wash the dishes?
How you like to get
the money every week,
do nothing, and make of
the outside.
My beautiful Rosa
says, yes, a-fine.
Then she sees her lawyer.
And then boom!
And I am Tony ,
find himself in this again,
while his wife is outside
making the.
What kind of a country this is?
You know what I do with
this blonde if I see her?
-What's the matter with you?
-Hey.
Say, do I look like his Rosa?
-Not to me, but
you can never tell.
-Your broker's on the
phone, Mr. Hamilton.
-Oh.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
-I'm camping right
on your tail, pal
-You're wasting your
time trailing me.
-Oh, I don't mind
a little stroll.
-Better take it in sunlight.
-Not until I find
out who and win.
Now don't go blank on me.
There's a wedding in the offing,
and I want to know her name.
-It's a secrete, I tell you.
I'm holding out on everybody,
haven't even told my secretary
the name of the girl
I'm gonna marry.
-Hello?
Just a minute, it's a
little cramped here.
Dugan, switch us to my
private cell, will ya?
-Hey, now, listen, don't
I get an exclusive?
-You'll be best man
when it happens.
-Oh, one thing more.
Is she a blonde or a brunette?
-Hmm.
-Well, is she a white woman?
-Yes.
-Well, that's a
good start anyway.
-Take him down and
throw him away.
We can't have him
staring down at us
like that after we're married.
-There goes that bell again.
-Ah, Ducky, well,
well, well, well.
How is my little
circus chimp today?
Huh?
-My alimony, give.
-All in good time,
my little goose.
All in good time.
Mm.
You haven't cleaned
your bathtub lately.
-Give me my alimony and scram!
-Take it easy my
little tit mouse.
Take it easy.
Behold, my brain
child of yesterday.
-What's that?
-A receipt for Jumbo Platinum
Mining stocks for you.
Jumbo.
Which my secret judgment
tells me will rise to 80 or 90
point before sundown.
-What good does that do me?
-It gives you a cold cash
settlement of $2,500,
my little bowl of chili.
-Well, if it's all
the same to you,
I'll take this month's
alimony in advance.
-No, you can't do that.
Because I have invested
that to buy this.
-Well, it better be good.
-Ah-ha!
Fear not my little dromedary.
-What's that?
-I think it's the wind.
I'll close the window.
-No, no, no, no.
I'll close the window.
-No, I'll close--
-I'll close the window.
I'll-- I'll close-- I am-- I am.
Do you want to wrestle, Ducky?
-Believe it or not, I was
just hanging a picture.
-Mr. Dugan and I
are old friends.
-Yes, yes.
Evidently.
-Yes.
Yes, Lura and I-- I
mean, Mrs. Groggs and I
used to go to school together.
-Oh, it's been going
on that long, has it?
-Surely, Oswald,
you're not insinuating.
-No, I'm not insinuating at all.
I'm just trying
to speak plainly.
-Jealous, Oswald?
-No, no.
Of course, while we're
not married, dear,
I do think you should try
and keep up the standard.
-No hard feelings, I hope.
-No, no, no.
Go as far as you like.
Go as far as you like.
Only I think you might
have spared my picture.
-Uh, Dugan.
I mean, Mr. Dugan brought
his picture to the house
to show it.
They must've gotten
mixed up by--
-Well, of course
mistakes will happen.
Goodnight.
-Just a minute.
I want to see about that
Jumbo stock you told me about.
-Oh.
-So your stock has
taken a nose dive.
-Well, just temporary, my belle.
Just temporary.
I take it the bulls and the
bears are playing house again.
But everything will be
hunksy dory by sundown-- sun
up-- by break-- by-- goodnight.
-Why don't you send that guy
to my school for husbands.
-I'm giving him until sundown.
-$62,122 plus $4, that's $4.33.
-Hello?
-Is that you, Grogg?
Did you see about Jumbo
Mines in the last edition
of the afternoon paper?
-Well, I-- I wouldn't be
too much alarmed about that,
because after all, it's
only gone down 15 points.
-15 nothing.
It's down 30.
And the market's closed.
Down 30?
And the market's closed?
Oh.
Oh.
-What's the matter?
Step on it.
You've been two hours, and
you ain't half finished yet.
-Yes, sir.
-So you're the famous
stock manipulator?
Am I laughing?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
-So you're the famous
picture hanger?
Am I screaming?
-Shut up and get busy.
-Well, I'm doing the best I can.
I've never met a sponge
before until I met you.
-Shut your face.
If you don't, you might
want to use it sometime.
And there won't be
none.
See?
-Your best friends
will never you.
-Aw.
Hello, Mr. Hamilton.
-Hello, Dugan.
-Groggs.
Yes, sir?
I'm-- I'm-- I'm doing.
Why, Mr. Hamilton.
Here we are together, sir.
-What are you doing here?
-The same reason
that you're here.
I tried to communicate
with you, sir,
but that man said it was
against the rules or something.
-What man?
-The man who hangs the
pictures for my wife.
-What?
-Mr. Dugan.
-Oh.
But why?
Who put you in here?
-Lura.
Lura is my wife.
-You should have told me
about this Lura before.
-Oh, sir.
No words can describe Lura.
-Well, buck up, Groggs.
I'll advance you the
price of your freedom.
-Oh, thank you.
But that's $2,500, sir.
-Well, why not?
One of us in here's enough.
After all, we're
brothers under the skin,
suffering from the same ailment,
if not from the same woman.
-Oh, really, sir, I-- I--
-Nonsense.
You'll be out of here
in an hour, Groggs.
Take a vacation.
Go to the seashore--
someplace, anyplace.
I shant need you
for quite awhile.
-A vacation?
To the seashore?
Oh, I've always wanted to
go to the seashore, sir.
The splashing of the surf.
Mm.
The smell of the fish.
-Beautiful.
-Beautiful.
But I haven't the proper clothes
for that sort of thing, sir.
-Take a suit or two of
mine, and good look.
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
-All right, Grogg.
-Thank you, 2,500 times, sir.
Here's to the
old long
may she live till
the
more and.
-What are you stalling for?
Get down there and get to work.
I've resigned.
I'm all through, Dugy, old boy.
I'm all through.
-Yeah?
Well, you haven't
even started yet.
-Mr. Hamilton has advanced
me $2,500 to pay Lura off.
-$2,500 smackers?
-Uh huh.
-What a vacation
Lura and I will have!
-You're going on a
vacation with my money?
-Sure.
Me and your wife,
just like this.
-Which one is my wife?
-Yes, darling.
He's been here and gone.
-That's great.
Can he give you that 2,500
berries his boss just gave him?
-2,500?
No, all he gave me was
one month's alimony.
-What?
One month's alimony?
Why that double-crossing--
-What, what's the matter, dear?
-Matter?
He's taking our vacation!
-One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven bags.
-Seven's a lucky number.
-Good afternoon, sir.
-Good afternoon.
Give me something
with lots of sunlight,
lots of-- lots of beauty.
-Would you like a bath, sir?
-I had one before I left.
-Very good, sir.
-Pardon that little pun.
I feel very happy
this afternoon.
By all means, a bath, a shower,
a large sitting room, something
spacious.
I hate to be cramped.
My suite would answer
the , sir.
-Yes, that would do very nicely.
-Would you sign, sir?
-Sir?
-Yes, sir.
-Yes.
-Oh, sir, Oswald Groggs.
This is a pleasure.
Front boy.
Show Sir Oswald
Groggs to suite 49.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
-Oh.
I'm so sorry.
-Yes, that's quite all right.
I'm glad it wasn't a football.
-Very distinguished
looking, isn't he?
-This way, sir.
Eh?
Oh, where are you?
Oh, there you are.
Lovely beach you have here, huh?
-Yes, sir.
Plenty of sand, lots
of water,?
-Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
-Hmm.
-I thought he was from London.
I wonder if he
could be the the sir
Oswald Groggs, the
big game hunter.
-This way, sir.
-Quite, uh, quite a lovely bit
of femininity in the lobby.
Who is the lady that
scored touchdown?
-Oh, that was Miss Van Kamp.
She spends most of
her time on the beach.
-Oh, yeah?
-You like the water, sir?
-Well, I can take
it or leave it.
-Oh, I'm so sorry again.
-That's quite all right.
The balls seem
to be getting larger.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
May I return your visiting card?
-Can you ever forgive
me, Sir Oswald?
-Oh, you know who I am, eh?
-Oh, of course.
The girls haven't been
talking about anything else
since you arrived
this afternoon.
You know how girls are.
-Uh, in a general way, yes.
-Um.
Would you care to join us?
-Well, I should be delighted.
Thank you.
-Girls, this is
Sir Oswald Groggs.
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
-What was the name?
-You know, Sir Oswald Groggs,
the great African game hunter.
-Oh.
-The what?
-Well, are the Sir Oswald
Groggs, aren't you?
-Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
Why not?
-Well, shall we
play, Sir Oswald?
-Uh, with the ball, you mean?
Yes.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
Where do we-- how do we go--
-Over there.
-Oh, yes.
-You play rugby at college?
-Oh, yes.
Yes, I play rugby.
Like a demon.
-Oxford or Cambridge?
-Uh, uh, a little of both.
Oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
-You're sorry?
-I'm afraid I put my foot in it?
-Your foot?
-I nearly died when you
fell over that fat woman
in the.
-Oh, did you?
Margie, she might have died too.
Well, here we are.
Here we are.
It's our-- our fifth--
our first today.
-I suppose that you've been
all over the world, Sir Oswald.
-Oh, yes, I've flopped about
hither and yon, Baltimore,
Buffalo, Syracuse,
points east and west.
-I've always been
interested in Africa.
What is it like?
-Well, it's-- it's
all pretty dark.
-Is it really true, Sir Oswald,
that the animals in Africa
grow to be so gigantic?
-Well, yes and no.
-No?
My uncle says that--
-Well, in that case, yes.
Have any of you
ever been to Africa?
-No.
-You've never been to Africa?
You didn't-- you're so-- Well,
then I can speak with freedom.
-I've been told that
the African safari is
the most picaresque
thing in the country.
-The safari, oh yes,
particularly the female safari.
Oh, you should see
them during the mating season.
How they skip around from crag
to crag like a hearty shamrock,
you know?
Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
-But I meant the safari,
the African safari,
the native caravan.
-Oh, the-- oh the
safari, the caravan.
Oh.
I thought you meant
the sufari, the sufari
is the African
chipmunk, you know,
so called because it's so far
from the nose to the chipmunk.
-My uncle tells me that
in Africa, the insects
are far more to be feared
than the greater animals.
-Your uncle is absolutely right.
Oh.
-I'm so sorry I'm
late, Sir Oswald.
Sorry to interrupt you.
-No, no, I'm glad you
came as a matter of fact.
I-- would you sit down?
-Thank you.
-There you are.
-Sir Oswald has been telling
us about the insect life
in Africa.
-Oh, do go on, Sir Oswald.
I'm vitally interested in bugs.
-Ahem.
Never will I forget
the day I was
attacked by a herd of beetles.
-A herd of beetles?
-Oh, yes, yes.
The African beetle sometimes
grow to be as large as turkeys.
Well, there I was
standing on the plains
all alone when suddenly
I heard the bellyless cry
of the beetle.
Mm-uh.
Mm-uh.
The beetle cry of the battle.
There they were, 50
of them, galloping
in my direction, their
tails lashing furiously.
-Tails?
-Yes, yes.
They were the last ones.
The-- the tailed ones.
With red fiendish whiskers
on their.
I raised my swatter-- my rifle.
But not before I saw the
whites of their eyes.
And I fired.
And 40 out of the
50 bit the dust.
There were 20 of them left.
And what was I to do?
I had no more bullets.
The 10 bottles
worth of the beetles
were on me in an instant.
It came to be a
hand-to-hand encounter.
It was every beetle for himself.
My bowing knife
slashed here to ribbons
until only one was left.
And there he lay
wounded upon the ground,
and I sneaked up to him.
But he looked up at me with
these coddle-like eyes,
and I didn't have the
heart to kill him.
-What did you do?
-I took him home and
nursed him back to health
until one day he died
and I had him stuffed.
-Where is he now?
-My man is using him
for a back scratcher.
When I look into your eyes, I
feel as light as a.
-Yes, you are improving.
You've only stepped
on my feet twice.
-Oh!
-I'm so sorry again.
I-- when I-- when I-- when
I look into your eyes, I--
I-- I forget to count, you know?
-Oh, you are a dear.
Well, let's try it again.
-Yes.
Three, four, better?
-Yes, much better.
Oh, no.
Well, if you-- if you
can't look into my eyes
and dance at the same
time, maybe we better, um,
uh, sit down out here.
-Yes, if you insist.
-Well, I think it
would be better.
-This has been one of the
happiest weeks of my life.
-Oh, how about Africa
and the naked women?
-I'd rather be with you
than 100 native women,
with or without their tom-toms.
-You mustn't.
-Mustn't what?
-You musn't say
things like that.
-My dear Phyllis!
-And you mustn't do
things like that!
-Forgive me, but I'm just a
plain, blunt, old African game
hunter.
I bit life in the
raw all my life.
Until now I've laughed
at women and death.
-It means you're probably
laughing at me too.
-No.
How could one laugh when
one has a beating heart?
May I?
Oh, Sir Oswald!
This is too much!
-It's nothing.
It's nothing, just a pebble
from one of my diamond mines.
-Oh, it's lovely.
But I couldn't accept it.
-Why not?
-Well, what would father say?
-Is he a good judge of diamonds?
-Don't you understand?
I can't take it, Sir Oswald.
-Oh, do take it.
It's just a trinket, a keepsake.
Love will come toddling
along in a day or so.
-Well.
I'd have to show
it to Father first.
-Well, naturally, naturally
Where is your father?
-He's in China.
-Thanks.
Well, now that
you're out of jail,
how does it feel to
be an ex-convict?
-Well, don't get personal.
I'm very sensitive about that.
-Groggs is still
registered at the hotel,
but he hasn't been
there for three days.
-Oh, thank you, Dorothy.
-Swell girl, Dorothy.
-Of course she is.
What about it?
-Oh, I just didn't
think you'd noticed.
Well, it looks your
stock failure gag worked.
-Certainly did.
Sandra's on half rations.
Say listen.
I was going to be best man.
Now that you're free, when do
you put on the chains again?
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow?
As soon as that?
-Tomorrow, right
here in this room.
Everything quiet and simple.
-Oh no, I hate quiet weddings.
Why not have some paper
caps and confetti?
-The bride wouldn't like that.
What do you think
of my judgment?
Beautiful isn't she?
So sweet, innocent,
untouched by life,
like something out
of a fairy story.
-You sure she's not something
out of a snappy story?
-Hey, wait a minute--
-That's all right.
I was only kidding.
She looks like a cream
puff wrapped in cellophane.
-Look at that little pep.
I'd like to wipe that
smile off her face.
-What are you excited about?
What difference does it make?
-I've been tricked, that's all.
I let him cut my
alimony so that he
could give her the difference.
A society dame with
a baby's stare.
-Let's have a look.
-Is she as funny as that?
-That baby's stare looks
very familiar to me.
-You know that dame?
Know her?
Why, she used to
the movie studios.
Her name's Fanny Malone.
-Keep going, baby.
I'm listening.
-Of course, darling.
If it should be quiet.
Oh I hate ostentatious.
If we run away, we can be
alone and no one can find us.
-That's my idea exactly.
Oh, by the way, did you
get the flowers I sent you?
-Yes, dear, and I loved
them, roses especially.
Oh, you think so?
Well, it'll only be a few hours.
Goodbye, sweet.
-Yes, ma'am?
-Tell your mistress the
fuller brush woman is here.
-I don't think we need--
Who is that?
-A woman from your man's past.
-Who are you?
-Sandra.
I tell fortunes and everything.
-Well, of all the nerve,
coming up here unannounced.
-Nerve?
Yeah, I got that too.
I had the man you're
going to marry.
-Oh, I see.
You're the ex.
-You're right for the
first time, sister.
Send your shadow here
for a spot of gin.
You're going to need it.
I never drink..
-Yes'm.
-Cigarette?
-I never smoke.
-Before I get through with you,
baby, you're going to burn.
-You kindle state
your business and go.
-OK.
Hamilton faked a
Wall Street crash
and cut my alimony in half, see?
-No, I don't see.
-Well, he cut my alimony
in half just the same.
And now that he's in the
money, it's up to you
to get him to put it
back where it was.
-Well, how dare you
suggest such a thing!
How dare you even intimate
that I should become
a party in such a sordid scheme!
-Sit down, Fanny Malone.
-You know, the minute you
came through that door,
I said to myself,
I said, Phyllis!
There's a girl who
holds.
I said to myself, I s Phyllis!
Why don't you go by your
right name?
I like the name of Fanny better.
So hold some old
fashioned Fanny.
You may be a great big lovely
Phyllis to your boyfriend,
but you're just plain old
fashioned Fanny Malone to me.
-That's what my first
husband used to say.
When did he get you filed
from that bird?
-Oh, about three months.
You know, now that you
brought the subject up,
I'm-- I'm terribly worried.
-You haven't got a
thing to worry about.
Just get Chester to
put my alimony back
and I won't say a word.
Your alimony is
the first thing I'm
gonna bring up
after we're married.
-Well, you needn't be
in that much of a rush.
What-- what was the grounds
for your last divorce?
He caught me
walking in my sleep.
-Oh!
-You know-- I-- I'm--
I'm a somnambulist.
-Oh.
That's nice work too,
if you can get a steady.
-What's wrong with
walking in your sleep?
-Not a thing, nothing, if
you keep right on walking.
-You hurt my feelings.
-Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I wouldn't hurt your
feelings for anything.
-Well, you did!
-Why, I certainly wouldn't.
I apologize.
I feel--
-That's all right.
-Sorry.
-That's all right.
Let's drink.
-Trouble with me is they
don't respect women.
They try to take advantage.
-That's right.
-You know something?
This is the best
liverwurst I ever tasted.
-The celery isn't bad either.
-Have you been married much?
-Not much.
But often
-Oh!
Is that all?
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.
Goodbye, love.
Why-- why is it singing
always makes my feet hurt?
-Oh.
That's funny.
So do mine.
You have to take this.
-Oh, it's the radio.
asleep for
hours, and hours, and hours.
-Hello?
Yes.
It's him, Mr. Hamilton.
-Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
-There, there.
Sorry.
Now just take it easy.
I'll be right there
with you in a minute.
It's all all right.
It's gonna be fine.
-Oh!
What a.
What a.
Phyllis, she's out.
-Miss Phyllis is
unconscious, sir.
I mean, she's asleep, sir.
-No waking her.
Tell her I called
to say goodnight.
-I wouldn't think
of waking her, sir.
She's laying here with
her pretty blonde curls
on the pillow, just
like a little angel.
Yes, sir.
-She's asleep.
-Of course she is.
It's quite late.
Well, I think I
better go home now.
-Thanks a lot, Dorothy.
You certainly have
added a feminine touch
to the decorations.
-I-- I hope Miss
Van Kamp likes it.
-Of course she will.
She'll like you too.
-I'm sure you'll
both be very happy.
-You bet we will.
Wait till you see her,
Dorothy, then you'll
understand how I have at last
found the one woman for me.
-I'm glad you feel that way.
Any girl could be
happy with you.
I--
-You want a red cab, sir?
-Yes, Dutch.
We're expecting
you in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
-Well, Dorothy.
There she is.
Phyllis, this is my
secretary, Miss Blaine.
-I hope you'll be very
happy, Miss Van Kamp.
-Thank you.
Darling, can I have
a bromo-seltzer?
I'm a little nervous.
-Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
That's too bad.
Why of course.
You just sit quietly here.
I'll have Dorothy get
you one right away.
-Dorothy?
-She knows the house
better than I do.
Now what's the matter?
Why are those lines in
your pretty forehead?
-Well, I may be old
fashioned, but I
think a man should
have a man secretary.
Why, Phyllis!
-Forgive me, darling.
It's just that I'm so nervous.
May I have that bromo now?
-Of course.
-Whew.
-I, uh-- I hate
executions, don't you?
-I can't.
-I understand, kid.
It's OK.
-Why, Groggs!
Groggs, what on
earth are you doing?
-I'm taking a shower, miss.
-Are you mad, Groggs?
-Yes, I'm mad!
I'm mad as a hatter!
-What are you talking about?
-Love, treason, treachery!
A woman-- a woman broke me
like a butterfly on a wheel.
-Not so much noise.
There's a wedding going on.
-A wedding?
Where?
-In there.
-You mean to say there's
a real wedding going on?
You mean to say that Mr.
Hamilton is marrying a woman?
Oh.
-This ring I give thee
in token and pledge
of our constant faith
and abiding love.
-By the authority vested in
me by this sovereign state,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
Air!
Air!
Give me air!
Air!
-Groggs!
-Well, you've done
it again, old man.
I wish you luck.
-Thanks.
-I'll get it.
-Happy?
-Ecstatically.
-Hello, Brooks!
-Hi, boy.
-Well, I see you're
here ahead of us.
-Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Hamilton doesn't
want to see any reporter.
-Hey, now wait a minute!
-Well, I don't suppose there's
any way to keep you out.
-Say, you couldn't keep
us out with tear gas--
-How about a few words for
the press, Mr. Hamilton.
-And a picture.
-Ohh.
-Are you feeling better now?
-I'll never feel better.
-Who hit him?
-Nobody hit him.
He fell.
-I fell.
I'll never stop falling.
Mr. Brooks, that woman.
Keep it out of the papers.
I know something
must be done, but do
keep it out of the papers.
That woman--
-Say, if we kept women
out of the papers,
we wouldn't have any news!
-Mr. Brooks, she
promised to marry me,
and then she disappeared.
And now she's married to him.
-Say, wait a minute.
Who promised who and what?
-Oh, he's mad.
He said so himself.
-No, I'm not mad.
No, I've got proof.
I got proof.
I'll show it to ya.
I'll show ya.
I've got some pictures
over here somewhere.
I've got some-- here, here.
Here's some snapshots of her.
Let's see pictures.
There she is.
There's one of her riding.
That's me behind the horse.
-Oh, it can't be.
It's a mistake.
-Funny thing about cameras,
they never make mistakes.
Oh, boy, here's everything
but a fingerprint!
-Oh, I've got better.
I've got better
than fingerprints.
Wait, I'll show you!
-Oh, you won't print
anything about this.
You can't.
Think of Mr. Hamilton.
-I am thinking.
-And what about your
honeymoon, Mrs. Hamilton?
-We're going to Riviera and
then jot around the continent.
-Can I, uh, see you
for half a second?
-Excuse me dear.
Excuse me, boys.
Certainly.
-Yes, we're sailing tonight.
And we're going to
be gone for months.
A girl only has a honeymoon
once in her life--
well, maybe twice.
-Yes, but she wants it
to last a long time.
You got that, boys?
-You bet.
-Yes, ma'am.
-There you are, miss.
You can see for yourself.
-Hand over those
snapshots, Groggs.
-Oh, Mr. Hamilton,
s I-- if I had only
known I wouldn't have done it.
-Wait a minute.
-There they are.
-When were these taken?
-Last week.
-Oh, what about it?
-Oh, your faith in
women is pathetic.
-Am I supposed to have
hysterics because Phyllis was
photographed with this
idiot on the beach?
-We weren't on the
beach all the time.
-What was that?
-I gave her all I had, sir.
And she--
-What do you mean?
What do you mean you
gave her all you had?
-A diamond ring, $1,500.
Her hotel bill, $700.
-Why you.
Now you--
-Go ahead, sir.
I wouldn't even feel it.
-Wait a minute.
Groggs, have you got
any proof of all this?
-Yes, sir, I have.
Here you are.
Here-- those are the--
those are the receipts.
-Exhibit A, exhibit
B, exhibit C--
-D, E, F, G, H, I. She tossed
me aside like an old glove.
-Just a minute.
Mr. Brooks, your paper.
-Thanks.
Hello?
Yeah, OK, shoot.
No, no, no.
Kill the.
I've got a better one coming up.
Wait a minute.
Come here.
Get an earful of this
private flash from the coast.
Repeat that.
Her name is plain Fanny Malone.
And she's been tossed
around like a beach ball
all over Southern Calif--
-There must be some mistake.
-Yes, and you've made it.
-What am I gonna do?
-All right, will
you listen to me
for the first time in your life?
-I'll listen to anything.
Groggs, you're in on this too.
-Oh, sir, I've been in so much.
-Now get a load of
this, the both of you.
From now on, all you've
got to do is follow orders.
Now get this.
-This is my Paris address.
Wherever I am,
this will reach me.
-Yes, sir.
-Hurry up, darling.
I'm afraid we're gonna be late.
-Don't worry, dear, we
have plenty of time.
-Mr. Hamilton home?
-You can't see him now.
He's leaving for Europe.
-Yeah?
That's why we came.
You Chester Hamilton?
-I am.
-You're under arrest.
-What?
-We're from the
Department of Justice.
-What does this mean?
-We're taking him
to Washington, stock
scandal, federal investigation.
-I don't know what
they're talking about.
-But this is our honeymoon!
-It'll have to wait.
-Chester!
-I don't know what this means.
I'm innocent!
-Come on, Hamilton.
-Why, this is ridiculous.
-Yes, you can't take
him away like this.
-I'm sorry, old men.
We'll wait for you downstairs.
-Chester!
-I guess I'll have to go, dear.
It'll be all right.
Don't worry.
I'll go down to
headquarters, and I'll
be back in an hour or two.
It'll be all right.
Goodbye, dear.
-Darling!
Chester!
Chester!
-Brooks!
How'd it work?
-Great!
-Did we do all
right, Mr. Hamilton?
-You bet you did.
Here's proof of it.
-Thanks.
-Well, here you are, boy.
This is your home
until further notice.
-Say, are you sure we
can depend on Groggs?
-Don't worry about Groggs.
He'll come through
when he's needed.
-OK.
-Do you think I better
put these things back
in the bureau drawer?
-Yes, put them away.
-I reckon you got
these s off a whole lot
through
you expected, did you?
-Did you hear something?
Don't suppose there be a
ghost around here, does ya?
-Oh, nonsense.
If you're scared, I'll go look.
You!
-You!
-You followed me here!
You came here to attack me!
-I should like to, but
I'm controlling myself.
You see how well I'm
controlling myself?
-What are you doing here?
-I came to borrow a book.
I own this apartment.
I lease it furnished
to Mr. Hamilton.
-I am Mrs. Hamilton.
-You.
Oh.
Oh.
Now I know why you
tossed me aside.
Now I know why you
ran away and left me
on the sand like
a piece of kelp.
Have you a pistol here?
Or a long sharp knife?
-No!
-Don't be alarmed, I
simply want to kill myself.
-Oh.
-Ah, this will do.
-Oh, no stop.
I can't stand this.
I know you don't believe
me, but it's true.
My father literally
dragged me from your side
to marry his choice.
Oh please believe
me, Sir Oswald.
When I married Mr. Hamilton,
I left my heart behind!
-You poor child.
-Thank you.
-I'm beginning to
understand now.
Your life was mapped out
for you by an irate parent.
I'm a very unhappy man.
I'm going back to Africa where
the wild things understand me.
Goodbye.
-Must you go?
-It's the only
decent thing to do.
-I still have your ring.
-Yes, yes, I thought you did.
Well, keep it.
Keep the little pebble as a
token of what might have been.
-Well, if you insist.
-And perhaps, who
can tell, I may
call again for another-- book.
-Who was it, Miss Phyllis?
-Him?
I'm going to put him all night
and save him for a rainy day.
Love, love, love!
Ha!
See you feature that.
What does he mean we've
still got each other?
He hasn't got me.
Who does he think he is?
-Now don't get yourself all
worked up, Miss Phyllis.
You gotta lay down
and take a rest.
-Oh, shut up.
Get me some aspirin
and a gin chaser.
The only person I'll
see is a doctor.
-Yes'm.
-Oh, I, um, I'm
sorry to intrude.
But may I exchange a book?
-I guess so, but I wouldn't
like to disturb Miss Phyllis.
She's feeling awfully bad.
-Oh, Sir Oswald.
Oh, do come in.
-Thank you.
My dear, Phyllis.
You're not well.
-Oh, it's nothing.
I had a teeny weeny headache,
but it's-- it's stopped
at the sound of your voice.
-Oh.
I'll go to the apothecary
and get you something.
-Oh no, do stay,
just for a moment.
Come here and sit down.
I have so many
things to tell you.
I-- I'm not happy, Sir Oswald.
I'm afraid I've made a mistake.
When I married, I-- I
didn't know what it meant.
-And you know now?
-What am I going to do?
-May I offer some advice?
-I'll do anything
you say, Sir Oswald.
-Then stick to him.
It may seem hard.
It hurts me more
than it hurts you.
But it's your duty.
-I don't want to do my duty.
-Sure.
-Sir Oswald, suppose we
both forgot our duties?
-Suppose we did.
-Kiss me.
Kiss me like you did.
-On the beach.
We could go back to Africa.
We could play in the jungle.
We could start life
all over again.
What's that?
-It may be my husband.
-Your husband?
What shall I do?
-Well, you've got to hide.
-Hide.
-Yes.
You better go someplace.
Go up there.
Darling.
-Dearest!
Thank heaven I have you.
-Surely it's not as
bad as you wired.
-Oh, what a fool I've been.
-Is everything gone?
-Everything.
I'm out on bail.
-Well, what are we going to do?
-I shall have to go back
and face trial, of course.
You'll wait for me
darling, I know.
-In a little flat on
Third Avenue, I suppose.
-What's that?
-Oh, it's just Edna.
-Edna.
Come out of there.
So it's you!
-Hello, Hamilton, old fellow.
I've just been reading
the most interesting book.
It's called "Nellie Clover
or Fun in a Hay Mound."
-What are you doing in my house?
-I, uh, dropped in to
borrow from your shelves.
-Yes, he just came for a book.
-He's probably read them all.
-I won't have Sir
Oswald insulted!
-Insulted?
I intend to choke him!
-Oh!
Oh!
-You--
I want the truth, do you hear?
-Yes.
Not so hard, sir.
-The truth, do you hear me?
Now then, get out of this house.
Get out!
-I've practically left.
How dare you
Sir Oswald.
-The whole thing is
perfectly obvious.
-Well, if you feel
that way, I won't
stay in this house an minute.
-I do feel that way.
-It isn't enough for
you to disgrace me.
You have humiliate me as well.
Well, I'm fed up with you.
I'm getting out.
I'm through!
Edna, pack my things.
-You want a divorce, I suppose.
-Of course I do, in the
quickest way I can get it.
-You know what that means?
-Certainly I know, fool.
You've got to give me grounds
for an immediate divorce.
You've got to give me evidence.
-You'll get your evidence.
-Everything is
ready, Mr. Hamilton.
Mr. Brooks has taken care
of all the, uh, details.
-I beg your pardon.
I didn't know you were here yet.
Come out when you're ready.
I have a drink for you.
-Well, here I am.
-Dorothy!
What-- what are doing here?
Why didn't you tell me?
-Why, if I told you, you
wouldn't have let me do it.
-I won't let you do it now.
Go in and get
dressed this minute.
-I won't.
This is one time
when I don't take
your dictation, Mr. Hamilton.
-Wait till I get my
hands on Brooks for this.
-I'm here, and here I stay.
-Have you gone out of your mind?
-Yes, that's just
what I've done.
I've watch you do silly
stupid things for years,
and I've never said a word.
I've kept my head, and
I've been miserable.
Oh I think this is
a terrible thing.
But now I don't care.
If someone has to be found here
with you, it's going to be me.
I'll never see you
after tonight anyway.
-You don't mean that.
You don't-- listen to me.
Go in and get your
clothes on and get
out of here before
it's too late.
-I won't.
-You will.
You've got to!
-Is that your husband,
Mrs. Hamilton?
-That's him.
-Well, goodnight.
Happy days.
-There's something about
this that worries me.
-What is it?
-I just found it out.
I don't know what
to do about it?
-Do about what?
-You have violent
eyes, haven't you?
-Mhm.
-Mhm.
-Do you mean to say this
makes Reggie a Lord?
-Yup, monocle and all.
-This is amazing.
-I thought you'd be interested.
-I am.
-Sandra, you were
build for a title.
-Thanks.
-Oh, I just dropped in
to show that to Reggie.
-Oh, I'll do that.
-Yes, I thought you would.
But on second
thought, hadn't you
better hear those
wedding bells first?
-I know my stuff, Brooks.
-Oh say, speaking
of wedding bells.
I hear the more
recent Mrs. Hamilton
is about to ring out again.
-Nice fast work.
-Where did all those
odd-looking people come from?
-They're friends with Brooks.
I told him to invite all
the hungry chorus girls.
And I guess he did.
-Hey, pipe down.
Hey, hey, pipe down, will ya?
Hey, wait a minute.
This may be the judge.
Hello, judge, how are ya?
Come right in.
Come right in.
Make yourself at home.
Judge, I can't tell ya how
glad we are to see you.
-Thank you my young friend.
Thank you.
-Now you stay right
here while I put
some fire under the
bride and groom.
-Fire, I beg your pardon.
-Oh, I mean, stick around until
I, uh, drag out the victims.
-Well, how do I look?
-You sure looks
like an angel who's
out to do herself plenty a good.
-Never mind the wise cracks.
Hand me the bouquet.
-Hey where are ya?
Well, hurry up.
What's all the stall about?
-Mr. Brooks, I can't go
through with this thing.
-Why not?
-Supposing Phyllis
should find out
that I was only a
gentleman's gentleman.
-Now how could she find that
out unless you tell her?
-Well, supposing
our first child was
born with a whisk
broom in his hand?
Now listen here,
Groggs, as I told you before,
you don't have to
go through with it.
Hamilton only wanted you
to help with the divorce.
-Mr. Brooks, this
whole affair has
grown far beyond
such horse play.
The young lady and
I haven't-- well,
we happen to love each other.
-What?
Well, in that case, come on.
Let's get going.
-I never met you before, dearie.
But this certainly looks swell.
-Thanks.
-All right, well--
-Just one more little drink.
-Nix, nix, nix.
You're almost overboard now.
-Oh, you smell
like a distillery.
-Oh.
-Here, chew on one of these.
-What are they?
-Mint logenzes.
Here, here.
Put a couple in your pocket.
-OK, all right.
-Now come on, will ya?
The bride is
already and waiting.
-Oh, that's promising.
Oh, I hope-- I
hope I can make the stairs.
Very brisk, sir.
You're-- you're walking crooked.
Stand up straight, will ya?
-Where have you been?
-I got him here as
soon as I could.
-I hear you've
made me very happy.
-Nix, nix.
It's the wrong one.
She's over here.
-Oh, oh.
I'm-- I'm
so sorry, my dear.
The future looks very bright.
-You're certainly lit up.
Start off with your right foot.
Have we met before?
Perhaps.
-You know, I can't
help feeling sorry
for poor old Groggs
just the same.
-Don't worry about Groggs.
He's all right.
I warned him not to go
through with this wedding,
but he's in love.
-Well, that's a reason.
-As good as any.
-Love, honor, and obey.
Cleave onto him and
to forsake all other.
-The ring.
-Huh?
-Where's the ring?
I fooled ya.
-Have either of you
know of any intent
why you may not lawfully be
joined together in marriage?
You now confess.
Now will you join hands?
You take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife,
to love, cherish,
and protect her?
-I do.
-Then place the ring
on the bride's finger.
-The ring!
Not that, the ring!
-Why, he swallowed it!
-What?
-It's gone!
It's gone!
I've lost it!
I swallowed it.
It's gone!
No, no, get me a deep sea diver.
If we had a
we could fish it out.
-Oh no!
-I've got it.
I've got a suggestion.
I've got a suggestion.
Alcohol will melt metal.
-We'll get a doctor.
-I'm so sorry, dear.
I--
-Hello, emergency hospital?
Send an ambulance to
Tower right away.
-Hello, Brooks, old boy!
Meet the duchess.
-Oh, so that's why you're late.
-Stopped on the way
to be married myself.
Eh, Reggie?
-Well, you're just in time for t
finish, if you get what I mean.
-Hello, Fanny Malone!
I mean that Phyllis Van-- uh--
missus whatever your name is.
What's up?
-Nothing at all.
Sir Oswald will be
himself any minute now.
Who?
Who?
-Sir Oswald?
How do
you get that way?
He's Hamilton's man, just
plain Groggs the valet.
-Oswald!
Oswald!
Oswald, is this true?
-I cannot tell a lie!
-Oh, there goes the bride.
And here goes the groom.
Well, Groggs is saved.
-Wait till she comes to.
-While you're cackling, let's
make it a good laugh, duchess.
-What do you mean?
-There ain't no title.
-What?
-I put that personal in the
paper about Reggie's fortune.
Why you-- oh!
-That there, Reggie.
Emergency hospital, make
it three stretchers.
-I think I should be
going, my young friend.
You seem to have far greater
need for a doctor than a judge.
-Wait a minute.
I promised you a job, and I'm
going to see that you get it.
-Yes, but I--
-Phyllis, Phyllis, speak to me.
-Beat it.
-Well, that's speaking to me.
-Do you Dorothy
Blaine take this man
to be your lawful
wedded husband?
-I do.
-Do you Chester
Hamilton take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
-I do.
-Then place the ring
on the bride's finger.
-Ring?
Ring?
You got the license.
Have you got a ring?
-No, I haven't got any ring.
-Have you got--
-Why no.
Uh, my oblige, sir.
me-- the most beastly thing I've
ever heard of, and I
won't stand for it.
The judge told him to pay
and I won't take a cent less!
-After all, he's offered--
-A half a load.
Well, he can keep it and the
cheese that goes with it.
I'm used to luxury.
He can blame himself for that.
-The half he's offered you
is still a tidy monthly sum.
-I won't stand for
it, do you hear?
I won't stand for it!
I'll send him to jail first.
-Sending him to jail, Sandra, is
not going to help matters any.
He still has money, you know.
And in the alimony
jail he can buy
all the bottley
comforts he needs.
-That may be, Eddie.
But he'll be in
jail just the same.
And that'll cramp his style.
-All right.
Remember it's your
idea, not mine.
Sheriff's office.
-Well, this looks like my
last day of freedom, Dorothy.
There you are.
-It's a terrible
law, Mr. Hamilton.
-It was made for women.
You shouldn't complain.
Now about that private
little plan of ours.
Is it ready to launch?
-Yes, sir.
Not a sell at present
market prices.
Then I'm to secretly buy when
the stock hits a new low.
-Exactly.
Follow it out to
the letter, Dorothy,
while I'm sitting tight
in the alimony jail.
-I'm sure the former Mrs.
Hamilton will listen to reason
when your favorite
stock hits bottom.
-That's the purpose.
-You rang, sir?
-Rang?
-The, uh, pantry indicated
a registered tinkle, sir.
-No, I didn't ring.
-Must've been a mouse
nibbling on the wire.
I'll set a trap for it.
-Uh, Groggs.
You might bring me a highball?
Make it strong.
It may be my last.
-Highball strong and lasting.
Yes, sir.
-The stock will rise, of course.
-Yes, of course it will.
I haven't and
told the company, you know.
But the success of my
scheme depends upon you.
-You can rely on me.
-It hasn't taken me four
years to find that out.
You know, you're not like
a woman at all, Dorothy.
I mean, you're-- well,
you're dependable,
reliable, like a man.
No feminine nonsense.
-You understand business
very well, Mr. Hamilton.
-You bet I do.
When the proper time
comes, Jumbo Mines
will reach 80, perhaps 90.
What's the matter
with you, Groggs?
I am afraid I have
the upsy-dupsies today, sir.
-Nervous about my trouble, huh?
-There you are, sir.
-Mr. Hamilton, might-- uh,
might I ask you a favor?
-What's on your mind, Groggs?
-Well, since you are, uh,
since you might leave rather
unexpectedly, may I
have, uh, my check today
instead of the end of the week?
It might save me--
-Why certainly, Groggs.
Take care of that, darling.
-Yes, sir.
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Hamilton.
Thank you, miss.
-Well, what's the
hurry about your check?
-Alimony, sir.
You? Following
in your master's
footsteps, huh, Groggs?
-Well, I-- I tried not
to mention it, sir.
-Well, you kept out
of jail with any rate.
-Only by the skin of my
molars, if I might say so.
-Groggs, what is your
frank opinion of alimony?
-It's like paying for
a dead horse, sir.
Jumbo Platinum.
Jumbo Platinum Mine.
Jumbo Platinum.
Jumbo Platinum 18.
18, 19, Jumbo.
Hudson 22-223
-Theo!
Hello?
Oh, it's you, is it?
I don't want any excuses.
All I want from you is
one word-- did you get it?
Yes, Ducky,
yes, I've got it.
That is, I'm getting it, Ducky.
-Oh, don't Ducky me.
I'm not a duck.
I can't live on worms.
I need money.
I can't talk now
I'm in the bath.
-Oh, are you all wet, Ducky?
Well then you go on and play
with your boats and things,
and don't you worry any longer.
Because I've got a scheme
that will make me thousands.
And then you'll get
your pound of flesh.
-Oh, what would I do
with a pound of flesh?
I told you.
Any time you want to get rid
of me, $2,500 will do it!
-Ducky, how can you yodel
at a time like this?
-Ho, Mr. Brooks!
-Hiya, Dugan.
-What's the rumpus?
-The alimony club's in session.
They just elected Chester
Hamilton president.
-They ought to
change their anthem
to "The Battle Cry of Freedom."
-That's what the
wives are singing.
-Here, try to
imagine this as good.
-Hey, Dugan, anything
on the book against me
taking a peek at
the new specimen?
-No, step right in.
The wife
was kicking 'cause I
didn't kick in every week.
Why, I couldn't even kick into
the cops who posed by speed.
Laws of
case I keep it well.
I never squawked.
- When she wanted the.
- I took a walk.
-Where does she get off to
criticize the things I did?
I was chasing chorus girls
when Ziegfield was a king.
-Hello, Brooks.
How long are you in for?
-Oh no, I'm still at liberty.
I'm just visiting.
-He's a member of
the press, gentlemen.
Would you care to tell
him your sad stories?
-Sure, spill it, boys.
Tell me your side of
it, and I'll give you
a break and some
swell publicity.
-How 'bout it, George?
Want to say a few
well-chosen words?
-Yes, I would.
It's all wrong.
My wife and I were getting
along fine together at first,
till some other people
started making trouble.
Some girlfriends of
hers, married men that
were making more
money than I do.
Because I couldn't give her
fur coats and cars, things
that they had, they
said I wasn't any good.
It isn't fair when a fella
does everything he can and then
gets thrown in jail
by a woman instead
of getting another chance.
It isn't fair.
-Anybody else want to discuss
the psychology of love?
-Yeah, sir, Mr. President.
-Go on.
My wife as got herself a
bad case of hips.
And when I first tell her
she gotten me thrown in here.
And now I got to pay her board
and keep her boyfriend too.
-Mr. President!
Mr. President.
I want to make a speech.
-All right, Tony.
Go ahead.
-My Rosa.
My Rosa.
My beautiful Rosa.
We are very, very happy
together when someday along
comes a blonde dame and she
says to my beautiful Rosa,
she says, look, how you
like to have no more babies?
How you like to
make no more a-cook?
How you like no wash the dishes?
How you like to get
the money every week,
do nothing, and make of
the outside.
My beautiful Rosa
says, yes, a-fine.
Then she sees her lawyer.
And then boom!
And I am Tony ,
find himself in this again,
while his wife is outside
making the.
What kind of a country this is?
You know what I do with
this blonde if I see her?
-What's the matter with you?
-Hey.
Say, do I look like his Rosa?
-Not to me, but
you can never tell.
-Your broker's on the
phone, Mr. Hamilton.
-Oh.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
-I'm camping right
on your tail, pal
-You're wasting your
time trailing me.
-Oh, I don't mind
a little stroll.
-Better take it in sunlight.
-Not until I find
out who and win.
Now don't go blank on me.
There's a wedding in the offing,
and I want to know her name.
-It's a secrete, I tell you.
I'm holding out on everybody,
haven't even told my secretary
the name of the girl
I'm gonna marry.
-Hello?
Just a minute, it's a
little cramped here.
Dugan, switch us to my
private cell, will ya?
-Hey, now, listen, don't
I get an exclusive?
-You'll be best man
when it happens.
-Oh, one thing more.
Is she a blonde or a brunette?
-Hmm.
-Well, is she a white woman?
-Yes.
-Well, that's a
good start anyway.
-Take him down and
throw him away.
We can't have him
staring down at us
like that after we're married.
-There goes that bell again.
-Ah, Ducky, well,
well, well, well.
How is my little
circus chimp today?
Huh?
-My alimony, give.
-All in good time,
my little goose.
All in good time.
Mm.
You haven't cleaned
your bathtub lately.
-Give me my alimony and scram!
-Take it easy my
little tit mouse.
Take it easy.
Behold, my brain
child of yesterday.
-What's that?
-A receipt for Jumbo Platinum
Mining stocks for you.
Jumbo.
Which my secret judgment
tells me will rise to 80 or 90
point before sundown.
-What good does that do me?
-It gives you a cold cash
settlement of $2,500,
my little bowl of chili.
-Well, if it's all
the same to you,
I'll take this month's
alimony in advance.
-No, you can't do that.
Because I have invested
that to buy this.
-Well, it better be good.
-Ah-ha!
Fear not my little dromedary.
-What's that?
-I think it's the wind.
I'll close the window.
-No, no, no, no.
I'll close the window.
-No, I'll close--
-I'll close the window.
I'll-- I'll close-- I am-- I am.
Do you want to wrestle, Ducky?
-Believe it or not, I was
just hanging a picture.
-Mr. Dugan and I
are old friends.
-Yes, yes.
Evidently.
-Yes.
Yes, Lura and I-- I
mean, Mrs. Groggs and I
used to go to school together.
-Oh, it's been going
on that long, has it?
-Surely, Oswald,
you're not insinuating.
-No, I'm not insinuating at all.
I'm just trying
to speak plainly.
-Jealous, Oswald?
-No, no.
Of course, while we're
not married, dear,
I do think you should try
and keep up the standard.
-No hard feelings, I hope.
-No, no, no.
Go as far as you like.
Go as far as you like.
Only I think you might
have spared my picture.
-Uh, Dugan.
I mean, Mr. Dugan brought
his picture to the house
to show it.
They must've gotten
mixed up by--
-Well, of course
mistakes will happen.
Goodnight.
-Just a minute.
I want to see about that
Jumbo stock you told me about.
-Oh.
-So your stock has
taken a nose dive.
-Well, just temporary, my belle.
Just temporary.
I take it the bulls and the
bears are playing house again.
But everything will be
hunksy dory by sundown-- sun
up-- by break-- by-- goodnight.
-Why don't you send that guy
to my school for husbands.
-I'm giving him until sundown.
-$62,122 plus $4, that's $4.33.
-Hello?
-Is that you, Grogg?
Did you see about Jumbo
Mines in the last edition
of the afternoon paper?
-Well, I-- I wouldn't be
too much alarmed about that,
because after all, it's
only gone down 15 points.
-15 nothing.
It's down 30.
And the market's closed.
Down 30?
And the market's closed?
Oh.
Oh.
-What's the matter?
Step on it.
You've been two hours, and
you ain't half finished yet.
-Yes, sir.
-So you're the famous
stock manipulator?
Am I laughing?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
-So you're the famous
picture hanger?
Am I screaming?
-Shut up and get busy.
-Well, I'm doing the best I can.
I've never met a sponge
before until I met you.
-Shut your face.
If you don't, you might
want to use it sometime.
And there won't be
none.
See?
-Your best friends
will never you.
-Aw.
Hello, Mr. Hamilton.
-Hello, Dugan.
-Groggs.
Yes, sir?
I'm-- I'm-- I'm doing.
Why, Mr. Hamilton.
Here we are together, sir.
-What are you doing here?
-The same reason
that you're here.
I tried to communicate
with you, sir,
but that man said it was
against the rules or something.
-What man?
-The man who hangs the
pictures for my wife.
-What?
-Mr. Dugan.
-Oh.
But why?
Who put you in here?
-Lura.
Lura is my wife.
-You should have told me
about this Lura before.
-Oh, sir.
No words can describe Lura.
-Well, buck up, Groggs.
I'll advance you the
price of your freedom.
-Oh, thank you.
But that's $2,500, sir.
-Well, why not?
One of us in here's enough.
After all, we're
brothers under the skin,
suffering from the same ailment,
if not from the same woman.
-Oh, really, sir, I-- I--
-Nonsense.
You'll be out of here
in an hour, Groggs.
Take a vacation.
Go to the seashore--
someplace, anyplace.
I shant need you
for quite awhile.
-A vacation?
To the seashore?
Oh, I've always wanted to
go to the seashore, sir.
The splashing of the surf.
Mm.
The smell of the fish.
-Beautiful.
-Beautiful.
But I haven't the proper clothes
for that sort of thing, sir.
-Take a suit or two of
mine, and good look.
-Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
-All right, Grogg.
-Thank you, 2,500 times, sir.
Here's to the
old long
may she live till
the
more and.
-What are you stalling for?
Get down there and get to work.
I've resigned.
I'm all through, Dugy, old boy.
I'm all through.
-Yeah?
Well, you haven't
even started yet.
-Mr. Hamilton has advanced
me $2,500 to pay Lura off.
-$2,500 smackers?
-Uh huh.
-What a vacation
Lura and I will have!
-You're going on a
vacation with my money?
-Sure.
Me and your wife,
just like this.
-Which one is my wife?
-Yes, darling.
He's been here and gone.
-That's great.
Can he give you that 2,500
berries his boss just gave him?
-2,500?
No, all he gave me was
one month's alimony.
-What?
One month's alimony?
Why that double-crossing--
-What, what's the matter, dear?
-Matter?
He's taking our vacation!
-One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven bags.
-Seven's a lucky number.
-Good afternoon, sir.
-Good afternoon.
Give me something
with lots of sunlight,
lots of-- lots of beauty.
-Would you like a bath, sir?
-I had one before I left.
-Very good, sir.
-Pardon that little pun.
I feel very happy
this afternoon.
By all means, a bath, a shower,
a large sitting room, something
spacious.
I hate to be cramped.
My suite would answer
the , sir.
-Yes, that would do very nicely.
-Would you sign, sir?
-Sir?
-Yes, sir.
-Yes.
-Oh, sir, Oswald Groggs.
This is a pleasure.
Front boy.
Show Sir Oswald
Groggs to suite 49.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
-Oh.
I'm so sorry.
-Yes, that's quite all right.
I'm glad it wasn't a football.
-Very distinguished
looking, isn't he?
-This way, sir.
Eh?
Oh, where are you?
Oh, there you are.
Lovely beach you have here, huh?
-Yes, sir.
Plenty of sand, lots
of water,?
-Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
-Hmm.
-I thought he was from London.
I wonder if he
could be the the sir
Oswald Groggs, the
big game hunter.
-This way, sir.
-Quite, uh, quite a lovely bit
of femininity in the lobby.
Who is the lady that
scored touchdown?
-Oh, that was Miss Van Kamp.
She spends most of
her time on the beach.
-Oh, yeah?
-You like the water, sir?
-Well, I can take
it or leave it.
-Oh, I'm so sorry again.
-That's quite all right.
The balls seem
to be getting larger.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
May I return your visiting card?
-Can you ever forgive
me, Sir Oswald?
-Oh, you know who I am, eh?
-Oh, of course.
The girls haven't been
talking about anything else
since you arrived
this afternoon.
You know how girls are.
-Uh, in a general way, yes.
-Um.
Would you care to join us?
-Well, I should be delighted.
Thank you.
-Girls, this is
Sir Oswald Groggs.
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
-What was the name?
-You know, Sir Oswald Groggs,
the great African game hunter.
-Oh.
-The what?
-Well, are the Sir Oswald
Groggs, aren't you?
-Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
Why not?
-Well, shall we
play, Sir Oswald?
-Uh, with the ball, you mean?
Yes.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
Where do we-- how do we go--
-Over there.
-Oh, yes.
-You play rugby at college?
-Oh, yes.
Yes, I play rugby.
Like a demon.
-Oxford or Cambridge?
-Uh, uh, a little of both.
Oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
-You're sorry?
-I'm afraid I put my foot in it?
-Your foot?
-I nearly died when you
fell over that fat woman
in the.
-Oh, did you?
Margie, she might have died too.
Well, here we are.
Here we are.
It's our-- our fifth--
our first today.
-I suppose that you've been
all over the world, Sir Oswald.
-Oh, yes, I've flopped about
hither and yon, Baltimore,
Buffalo, Syracuse,
points east and west.
-I've always been
interested in Africa.
What is it like?
-Well, it's-- it's
all pretty dark.
-Is it really true, Sir Oswald,
that the animals in Africa
grow to be so gigantic?
-Well, yes and no.
-No?
My uncle says that--
-Well, in that case, yes.
Have any of you
ever been to Africa?
-No.
-You've never been to Africa?
You didn't-- you're so-- Well,
then I can speak with freedom.
-I've been told that
the African safari is
the most picaresque
thing in the country.
-The safari, oh yes,
particularly the female safari.
Oh, you should see
them during the mating season.
How they skip around from crag
to crag like a hearty shamrock,
you know?
Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
-But I meant the safari,
the African safari,
the native caravan.
-Oh, the-- oh the
safari, the caravan.
Oh.
I thought you meant
the sufari, the sufari
is the African
chipmunk, you know,
so called because it's so far
from the nose to the chipmunk.
-My uncle tells me that
in Africa, the insects
are far more to be feared
than the greater animals.
-Your uncle is absolutely right.
Oh.
-I'm so sorry I'm
late, Sir Oswald.
Sorry to interrupt you.
-No, no, I'm glad you
came as a matter of fact.
I-- would you sit down?
-Thank you.
-There you are.
-Sir Oswald has been telling
us about the insect life
in Africa.
-Oh, do go on, Sir Oswald.
I'm vitally interested in bugs.
-Ahem.
Never will I forget
the day I was
attacked by a herd of beetles.
-A herd of beetles?
-Oh, yes, yes.
The African beetle sometimes
grow to be as large as turkeys.
Well, there I was
standing on the plains
all alone when suddenly
I heard the bellyless cry
of the beetle.
Mm-uh.
Mm-uh.
The beetle cry of the battle.
There they were, 50
of them, galloping
in my direction, their
tails lashing furiously.
-Tails?
-Yes, yes.
They were the last ones.
The-- the tailed ones.
With red fiendish whiskers
on their.
I raised my swatter-- my rifle.
But not before I saw the
whites of their eyes.
And I fired.
And 40 out of the
50 bit the dust.
There were 20 of them left.
And what was I to do?
I had no more bullets.
The 10 bottles
worth of the beetles
were on me in an instant.
It came to be a
hand-to-hand encounter.
It was every beetle for himself.
My bowing knife
slashed here to ribbons
until only one was left.
And there he lay
wounded upon the ground,
and I sneaked up to him.
But he looked up at me with
these coddle-like eyes,
and I didn't have the
heart to kill him.
-What did you do?
-I took him home and
nursed him back to health
until one day he died
and I had him stuffed.
-Where is he now?
-My man is using him
for a back scratcher.
When I look into your eyes, I
feel as light as a.
-Yes, you are improving.
You've only stepped
on my feet twice.
-Oh!
-I'm so sorry again.
I-- when I-- when I-- when
I look into your eyes, I--
I-- I forget to count, you know?
-Oh, you are a dear.
Well, let's try it again.
-Yes.
Three, four, better?
-Yes, much better.
Oh, no.
Well, if you-- if you
can't look into my eyes
and dance at the same
time, maybe we better, um,
uh, sit down out here.
-Yes, if you insist.
-Well, I think it
would be better.
-This has been one of the
happiest weeks of my life.
-Oh, how about Africa
and the naked women?
-I'd rather be with you
than 100 native women,
with or without their tom-toms.
-You mustn't.
-Mustn't what?
-You musn't say
things like that.
-My dear Phyllis!
-And you mustn't do
things like that!
-Forgive me, but I'm just a
plain, blunt, old African game
hunter.
I bit life in the
raw all my life.
Until now I've laughed
at women and death.
-It means you're probably
laughing at me too.
-No.
How could one laugh when
one has a beating heart?
May I?
Oh, Sir Oswald!
This is too much!
-It's nothing.
It's nothing, just a pebble
from one of my diamond mines.
-Oh, it's lovely.
But I couldn't accept it.
-Why not?
-Well, what would father say?
-Is he a good judge of diamonds?
-Don't you understand?
I can't take it, Sir Oswald.
-Oh, do take it.
It's just a trinket, a keepsake.
Love will come toddling
along in a day or so.
-Well.
I'd have to show
it to Father first.
-Well, naturally, naturally
Where is your father?
-He's in China.
-Thanks.
Well, now that
you're out of jail,
how does it feel to
be an ex-convict?
-Well, don't get personal.
I'm very sensitive about that.
-Groggs is still
registered at the hotel,
but he hasn't been
there for three days.
-Oh, thank you, Dorothy.
-Swell girl, Dorothy.
-Of course she is.
What about it?
-Oh, I just didn't
think you'd noticed.
Well, it looks your
stock failure gag worked.
-Certainly did.
Sandra's on half rations.
Say listen.
I was going to be best man.
Now that you're free, when do
you put on the chains again?
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow?
As soon as that?
-Tomorrow, right
here in this room.
Everything quiet and simple.
-Oh no, I hate quiet weddings.
Why not have some paper
caps and confetti?
-The bride wouldn't like that.
What do you think
of my judgment?
Beautiful isn't she?
So sweet, innocent,
untouched by life,
like something out
of a fairy story.
-You sure she's not something
out of a snappy story?
-Hey, wait a minute--
-That's all right.
I was only kidding.
She looks like a cream
puff wrapped in cellophane.
-Look at that little pep.
I'd like to wipe that
smile off her face.
-What are you excited about?
What difference does it make?
-I've been tricked, that's all.
I let him cut my
alimony so that he
could give her the difference.
A society dame with
a baby's stare.
-Let's have a look.
-Is she as funny as that?
-That baby's stare looks
very familiar to me.
-You know that dame?
Know her?
Why, she used to
the movie studios.
Her name's Fanny Malone.
-Keep going, baby.
I'm listening.
-Of course, darling.
If it should be quiet.
Oh I hate ostentatious.
If we run away, we can be
alone and no one can find us.
-That's my idea exactly.
Oh, by the way, did you
get the flowers I sent you?
-Yes, dear, and I loved
them, roses especially.
Oh, you think so?
Well, it'll only be a few hours.
Goodbye, sweet.
-Yes, ma'am?
-Tell your mistress the
fuller brush woman is here.
-I don't think we need--
Who is that?
-A woman from your man's past.
-Who are you?
-Sandra.
I tell fortunes and everything.
-Well, of all the nerve,
coming up here unannounced.
-Nerve?
Yeah, I got that too.
I had the man you're
going to marry.
-Oh, I see.
You're the ex.
-You're right for the
first time, sister.
Send your shadow here
for a spot of gin.
You're going to need it.
I never drink..
-Yes'm.
-Cigarette?
-I never smoke.
-Before I get through with you,
baby, you're going to burn.
-You kindle state
your business and go.
-OK.
Hamilton faked a
Wall Street crash
and cut my alimony in half, see?
-No, I don't see.
-Well, he cut my alimony
in half just the same.
And now that he's in the
money, it's up to you
to get him to put it
back where it was.
-Well, how dare you
suggest such a thing!
How dare you even intimate
that I should become
a party in such a sordid scheme!
-Sit down, Fanny Malone.
-You know, the minute you
came through that door,
I said to myself,
I said, Phyllis!
There's a girl who
holds.
I said to myself, I s Phyllis!
Why don't you go by your
right name?
I like the name of Fanny better.
So hold some old
fashioned Fanny.
You may be a great big lovely
Phyllis to your boyfriend,
but you're just plain old
fashioned Fanny Malone to me.
-That's what my first
husband used to say.
When did he get you filed
from that bird?
-Oh, about three months.
You know, now that you
brought the subject up,
I'm-- I'm terribly worried.
-You haven't got a
thing to worry about.
Just get Chester to
put my alimony back
and I won't say a word.
Your alimony is
the first thing I'm
gonna bring up
after we're married.
-Well, you needn't be
in that much of a rush.
What-- what was the grounds
for your last divorce?
He caught me
walking in my sleep.
-Oh!
-You know-- I-- I'm--
I'm a somnambulist.
-Oh.
That's nice work too,
if you can get a steady.
-What's wrong with
walking in your sleep?
-Not a thing, nothing, if
you keep right on walking.
-You hurt my feelings.
-Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I wouldn't hurt your
feelings for anything.
-Well, you did!
-Why, I certainly wouldn't.
I apologize.
I feel--
-That's all right.
-Sorry.
-That's all right.
Let's drink.
-Trouble with me is they
don't respect women.
They try to take advantage.
-That's right.
-You know something?
This is the best
liverwurst I ever tasted.
-The celery isn't bad either.
-Have you been married much?
-Not much.
But often
-Oh!
Is that all?
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.
Goodbye, love.
Why-- why is it singing
always makes my feet hurt?
-Oh.
That's funny.
So do mine.
You have to take this.
-Oh, it's the radio.
asleep for
hours, and hours, and hours.
-Hello?
Yes.
It's him, Mr. Hamilton.
-Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
-There, there.
Sorry.
Now just take it easy.
I'll be right there
with you in a minute.
It's all all right.
It's gonna be fine.
-Oh!
What a.
What a.
Phyllis, she's out.
-Miss Phyllis is
unconscious, sir.
I mean, she's asleep, sir.
-No waking her.
Tell her I called
to say goodnight.
-I wouldn't think
of waking her, sir.
She's laying here with
her pretty blonde curls
on the pillow, just
like a little angel.
Yes, sir.
-She's asleep.
-Of course she is.
It's quite late.
Well, I think I
better go home now.
-Thanks a lot, Dorothy.
You certainly have
added a feminine touch
to the decorations.
-I-- I hope Miss
Van Kamp likes it.
-Of course she will.
She'll like you too.
-I'm sure you'll
both be very happy.
-You bet we will.
Wait till you see her,
Dorothy, then you'll
understand how I have at last
found the one woman for me.
-I'm glad you feel that way.
Any girl could be
happy with you.
I--
-You want a red cab, sir?
-Yes, Dutch.
We're expecting
you in 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
-Well, Dorothy.
There she is.
Phyllis, this is my
secretary, Miss Blaine.
-I hope you'll be very
happy, Miss Van Kamp.
-Thank you.
Darling, can I have
a bromo-seltzer?
I'm a little nervous.
-Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
That's too bad.
Why of course.
You just sit quietly here.
I'll have Dorothy get
you one right away.
-Dorothy?
-She knows the house
better than I do.
Now what's the matter?
Why are those lines in
your pretty forehead?
-Well, I may be old
fashioned, but I
think a man should
have a man secretary.
Why, Phyllis!
-Forgive me, darling.
It's just that I'm so nervous.
May I have that bromo now?
-Of course.
-Whew.
-I, uh-- I hate
executions, don't you?
-I can't.
-I understand, kid.
It's OK.
-Why, Groggs!
Groggs, what on
earth are you doing?
-I'm taking a shower, miss.
-Are you mad, Groggs?
-Yes, I'm mad!
I'm mad as a hatter!
-What are you talking about?
-Love, treason, treachery!
A woman-- a woman broke me
like a butterfly on a wheel.
-Not so much noise.
There's a wedding going on.
-A wedding?
Where?
-In there.
-You mean to say there's
a real wedding going on?
You mean to say that Mr.
Hamilton is marrying a woman?
Oh.
-This ring I give thee
in token and pledge
of our constant faith
and abiding love.
-By the authority vested in
me by this sovereign state,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
Air!
Air!
Give me air!
Air!
-Groggs!
-Well, you've done
it again, old man.
I wish you luck.
-Thanks.
-I'll get it.
-Happy?
-Ecstatically.
-Hello, Brooks!
-Hi, boy.
-Well, I see you're
here ahead of us.
-Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Mr. Hamilton doesn't
want to see any reporter.
-Hey, now wait a minute!
-Well, I don't suppose there's
any way to keep you out.
-Say, you couldn't keep
us out with tear gas--
-How about a few words for
the press, Mr. Hamilton.
-And a picture.
-Ohh.
-Are you feeling better now?
-I'll never feel better.
-Who hit him?
-Nobody hit him.
He fell.
-I fell.
I'll never stop falling.
Mr. Brooks, that woman.
Keep it out of the papers.
I know something
must be done, but do
keep it out of the papers.
That woman--
-Say, if we kept women
out of the papers,
we wouldn't have any news!
-Mr. Brooks, she
promised to marry me,
and then she disappeared.
And now she's married to him.
-Say, wait a minute.
Who promised who and what?
-Oh, he's mad.
He said so himself.
-No, I'm not mad.
No, I've got proof.
I got proof.
I'll show it to ya.
I'll show ya.
I've got some pictures
over here somewhere.
I've got some-- here, here.
Here's some snapshots of her.
Let's see pictures.
There she is.
There's one of her riding.
That's me behind the horse.
-Oh, it can't be.
It's a mistake.
-Funny thing about cameras,
they never make mistakes.
Oh, boy, here's everything
but a fingerprint!
-Oh, I've got better.
I've got better
than fingerprints.
Wait, I'll show you!
-Oh, you won't print
anything about this.
You can't.
Think of Mr. Hamilton.
-I am thinking.
-And what about your
honeymoon, Mrs. Hamilton?
-We're going to Riviera and
then jot around the continent.
-Can I, uh, see you
for half a second?
-Excuse me dear.
Excuse me, boys.
Certainly.
-Yes, we're sailing tonight.
And we're going to
be gone for months.
A girl only has a honeymoon
once in her life--
well, maybe twice.
-Yes, but she wants it
to last a long time.
You got that, boys?
-You bet.
-Yes, ma'am.
-There you are, miss.
You can see for yourself.
-Hand over those
snapshots, Groggs.
-Oh, Mr. Hamilton,
s I-- if I had only
known I wouldn't have done it.
-Wait a minute.
-There they are.
-When were these taken?
-Last week.
-Oh, what about it?
-Oh, your faith in
women is pathetic.
-Am I supposed to have
hysterics because Phyllis was
photographed with this
idiot on the beach?
-We weren't on the
beach all the time.
-What was that?
-I gave her all I had, sir.
And she--
-What do you mean?
What do you mean you
gave her all you had?
-A diamond ring, $1,500.
Her hotel bill, $700.
-Why you.
Now you--
-Go ahead, sir.
I wouldn't even feel it.
-Wait a minute.
Groggs, have you got
any proof of all this?
-Yes, sir, I have.
Here you are.
Here-- those are the--
those are the receipts.
-Exhibit A, exhibit
B, exhibit C--
-D, E, F, G, H, I. She tossed
me aside like an old glove.
-Just a minute.
Mr. Brooks, your paper.
-Thanks.
Hello?
Yeah, OK, shoot.
No, no, no.
Kill the.
I've got a better one coming up.
Wait a minute.
Come here.
Get an earful of this
private flash from the coast.
Repeat that.
Her name is plain Fanny Malone.
And she's been tossed
around like a beach ball
all over Southern Calif--
-There must be some mistake.
-Yes, and you've made it.
-What am I gonna do?
-All right, will
you listen to me
for the first time in your life?
-I'll listen to anything.
Groggs, you're in on this too.
-Oh, sir, I've been in so much.
-Now get a load of
this, the both of you.
From now on, all you've
got to do is follow orders.
Now get this.
-This is my Paris address.
Wherever I am,
this will reach me.
-Yes, sir.
-Hurry up, darling.
I'm afraid we're gonna be late.
-Don't worry, dear, we
have plenty of time.
-Mr. Hamilton home?
-You can't see him now.
He's leaving for Europe.
-Yeah?
That's why we came.
You Chester Hamilton?
-I am.
-You're under arrest.
-What?
-We're from the
Department of Justice.
-What does this mean?
-We're taking him
to Washington, stock
scandal, federal investigation.
-I don't know what
they're talking about.
-But this is our honeymoon!
-It'll have to wait.
-Chester!
-I don't know what this means.
I'm innocent!
-Come on, Hamilton.
-Why, this is ridiculous.
-Yes, you can't take
him away like this.
-I'm sorry, old men.
We'll wait for you downstairs.
-Chester!
-I guess I'll have to go, dear.
It'll be all right.
Don't worry.
I'll go down to
headquarters, and I'll
be back in an hour or two.
It'll be all right.
Goodbye, dear.
-Darling!
Chester!
Chester!
-Brooks!
How'd it work?
-Great!
-Did we do all
right, Mr. Hamilton?
-You bet you did.
Here's proof of it.
-Thanks.
-Well, here you are, boy.
This is your home
until further notice.
-Say, are you sure we
can depend on Groggs?
-Don't worry about Groggs.
He'll come through
when he's needed.
-OK.
-Do you think I better
put these things back
in the bureau drawer?
-Yes, put them away.
-I reckon you got
these s off a whole lot
through
you expected, did you?
-Did you hear something?
Don't suppose there be a
ghost around here, does ya?
-Oh, nonsense.
If you're scared, I'll go look.
You!
-You!
-You followed me here!
You came here to attack me!
-I should like to, but
I'm controlling myself.
You see how well I'm
controlling myself?
-What are you doing here?
-I came to borrow a book.
I own this apartment.
I lease it furnished
to Mr. Hamilton.
-I am Mrs. Hamilton.
-You.
Oh.
Oh.
Now I know why you
tossed me aside.
Now I know why you
ran away and left me
on the sand like
a piece of kelp.
Have you a pistol here?
Or a long sharp knife?
-No!
-Don't be alarmed, I
simply want to kill myself.
-Oh.
-Ah, this will do.
-Oh, no stop.
I can't stand this.
I know you don't believe
me, but it's true.
My father literally
dragged me from your side
to marry his choice.
Oh please believe
me, Sir Oswald.
When I married Mr. Hamilton,
I left my heart behind!
-You poor child.
-Thank you.
-I'm beginning to
understand now.
Your life was mapped out
for you by an irate parent.
I'm a very unhappy man.
I'm going back to Africa where
the wild things understand me.
Goodbye.
-Must you go?
-It's the only
decent thing to do.
-I still have your ring.
-Yes, yes, I thought you did.
Well, keep it.
Keep the little pebble as a
token of what might have been.
-Well, if you insist.
-And perhaps, who
can tell, I may
call again for another-- book.
-Who was it, Miss Phyllis?
-Him?
I'm going to put him all night
and save him for a rainy day.
Love, love, love!
Ha!
See you feature that.
What does he mean we've
still got each other?
He hasn't got me.
Who does he think he is?
-Now don't get yourself all
worked up, Miss Phyllis.
You gotta lay down
and take a rest.
-Oh, shut up.
Get me some aspirin
and a gin chaser.
The only person I'll
see is a doctor.
-Yes'm.
-Oh, I, um, I'm
sorry to intrude.
But may I exchange a book?
-I guess so, but I wouldn't
like to disturb Miss Phyllis.
She's feeling awfully bad.
-Oh, Sir Oswald.
Oh, do come in.
-Thank you.
My dear, Phyllis.
You're not well.
-Oh, it's nothing.
I had a teeny weeny headache,
but it's-- it's stopped
at the sound of your voice.
-Oh.
I'll go to the apothecary
and get you something.
-Oh no, do stay,
just for a moment.
Come here and sit down.
I have so many
things to tell you.
I-- I'm not happy, Sir Oswald.
I'm afraid I've made a mistake.
When I married, I-- I
didn't know what it meant.
-And you know now?
-What am I going to do?
-May I offer some advice?
-I'll do anything
you say, Sir Oswald.
-Then stick to him.
It may seem hard.
It hurts me more
than it hurts you.
But it's your duty.
-I don't want to do my duty.
-Sure.
-Sir Oswald, suppose we
both forgot our duties?
-Suppose we did.
-Kiss me.
Kiss me like you did.
-On the beach.
We could go back to Africa.
We could play in the jungle.
We could start life
all over again.
What's that?
-It may be my husband.
-Your husband?
What shall I do?
-Well, you've got to hide.
-Hide.
-Yes.
You better go someplace.
Go up there.
Darling.
-Dearest!
Thank heaven I have you.
-Surely it's not as
bad as you wired.
-Oh, what a fool I've been.
-Is everything gone?
-Everything.
I'm out on bail.
-Well, what are we going to do?
-I shall have to go back
and face trial, of course.
You'll wait for me
darling, I know.
-In a little flat on
Third Avenue, I suppose.
-What's that?
-Oh, it's just Edna.
-Edna.
Come out of there.
So it's you!
-Hello, Hamilton, old fellow.
I've just been reading
the most interesting book.
It's called "Nellie Clover
or Fun in a Hay Mound."
-What are you doing in my house?
-I, uh, dropped in to
borrow from your shelves.
-Yes, he just came for a book.
-He's probably read them all.
-I won't have Sir
Oswald insulted!
-Insulted?
I intend to choke him!
-Oh!
Oh!
-You--
I want the truth, do you hear?
-Yes.
Not so hard, sir.
-The truth, do you hear me?
Now then, get out of this house.
Get out!
-I've practically left.
How dare you
Sir Oswald.
-The whole thing is
perfectly obvious.
-Well, if you feel
that way, I won't
stay in this house an minute.
-I do feel that way.
-It isn't enough for
you to disgrace me.
You have humiliate me as well.
Well, I'm fed up with you.
I'm getting out.
I'm through!
Edna, pack my things.
-You want a divorce, I suppose.
-Of course I do, in the
quickest way I can get it.
-You know what that means?
-Certainly I know, fool.
You've got to give me grounds
for an immediate divorce.
You've got to give me evidence.
-You'll get your evidence.
-Everything is
ready, Mr. Hamilton.
Mr. Brooks has taken care
of all the, uh, details.
-I beg your pardon.
I didn't know you were here yet.
Come out when you're ready.
I have a drink for you.
-Well, here I am.
-Dorothy!
What-- what are doing here?
Why didn't you tell me?
-Why, if I told you, you
wouldn't have let me do it.
-I won't let you do it now.
Go in and get
dressed this minute.
-I won't.
This is one time
when I don't take
your dictation, Mr. Hamilton.
-Wait till I get my
hands on Brooks for this.
-I'm here, and here I stay.
-Have you gone out of your mind?
-Yes, that's just
what I've done.
I've watch you do silly
stupid things for years,
and I've never said a word.
I've kept my head, and
I've been miserable.
Oh I think this is
a terrible thing.
But now I don't care.
If someone has to be found here
with you, it's going to be me.
I'll never see you
after tonight anyway.
-You don't mean that.
You don't-- listen to me.
Go in and get your
clothes on and get
out of here before
it's too late.
-I won't.
-You will.
You've got to!
-Is that your husband,
Mrs. Hamilton?
-That's him.
-Well, goodnight.
Happy days.
-There's something about
this that worries me.
-What is it?
-I just found it out.
I don't know what
to do about it?
-Do about what?
-You have violent
eyes, haven't you?
-Mhm.
-Mhm.
-Do you mean to say this
makes Reggie a Lord?
-Yup, monocle and all.
-This is amazing.
-I thought you'd be interested.
-I am.
-Sandra, you were
build for a title.
-Thanks.
-Oh, I just dropped in
to show that to Reggie.
-Oh, I'll do that.
-Yes, I thought you would.
But on second
thought, hadn't you
better hear those
wedding bells first?
-I know my stuff, Brooks.
-Oh say, speaking
of wedding bells.
I hear the more
recent Mrs. Hamilton
is about to ring out again.
-Nice fast work.
-Where did all those
odd-looking people come from?
-They're friends with Brooks.
I told him to invite all
the hungry chorus girls.
And I guess he did.
-Hey, pipe down.
Hey, hey, pipe down, will ya?
Hey, wait a minute.
This may be the judge.
Hello, judge, how are ya?
Come right in.
Come right in.
Make yourself at home.
Judge, I can't tell ya how
glad we are to see you.
-Thank you my young friend.
Thank you.
-Now you stay right
here while I put
some fire under the
bride and groom.
-Fire, I beg your pardon.
-Oh, I mean, stick around until
I, uh, drag out the victims.
-Well, how do I look?
-You sure looks
like an angel who's
out to do herself plenty a good.
-Never mind the wise cracks.
Hand me the bouquet.
-Hey where are ya?
Well, hurry up.
What's all the stall about?
-Mr. Brooks, I can't go
through with this thing.
-Why not?
-Supposing Phyllis
should find out
that I was only a
gentleman's gentleman.
-Now how could she find that
out unless you tell her?
-Well, supposing
our first child was
born with a whisk
broom in his hand?
Now listen here,
Groggs, as I told you before,
you don't have to
go through with it.
Hamilton only wanted you
to help with the divorce.
-Mr. Brooks, this
whole affair has
grown far beyond
such horse play.
The young lady and
I haven't-- well,
we happen to love each other.
-What?
Well, in that case, come on.
Let's get going.
-I never met you before, dearie.
But this certainly looks swell.
-Thanks.
-All right, well--
-Just one more little drink.
-Nix, nix, nix.
You're almost overboard now.
-Oh, you smell
like a distillery.
-Oh.
-Here, chew on one of these.
-What are they?
-Mint logenzes.
Here, here.
Put a couple in your pocket.
-OK, all right.
-Now come on, will ya?
The bride is
already and waiting.
-Oh, that's promising.
Oh, I hope-- I
hope I can make the stairs.
Very brisk, sir.
You're-- you're walking crooked.
Stand up straight, will ya?
-Where have you been?
-I got him here as
soon as I could.
-I hear you've
made me very happy.
-Nix, nix.
It's the wrong one.
She's over here.
-Oh, oh.
I'm-- I'm
so sorry, my dear.
The future looks very bright.
-You're certainly lit up.
Start off with your right foot.
Have we met before?
Perhaps.
-You know, I can't
help feeling sorry
for poor old Groggs
just the same.
-Don't worry about Groggs.
He's all right.
I warned him not to go
through with this wedding,
but he's in love.
-Well, that's a reason.
-As good as any.
-Love, honor, and obey.
Cleave onto him and
to forsake all other.
-The ring.
-Huh?
-Where's the ring?
I fooled ya.
-Have either of you
know of any intent
why you may not lawfully be
joined together in marriage?
You now confess.
Now will you join hands?
You take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife,
to love, cherish,
and protect her?
-I do.
-Then place the ring
on the bride's finger.
-The ring!
Not that, the ring!
-Why, he swallowed it!
-What?
-It's gone!
It's gone!
I've lost it!
I swallowed it.
It's gone!
No, no, get me a deep sea diver.
If we had a
we could fish it out.
-Oh no!
-I've got it.
I've got a suggestion.
I've got a suggestion.
Alcohol will melt metal.
-We'll get a doctor.
-I'm so sorry, dear.
I--
-Hello, emergency hospital?
Send an ambulance to
Tower right away.
-Hello, Brooks, old boy!
Meet the duchess.
-Oh, so that's why you're late.
-Stopped on the way
to be married myself.
Eh, Reggie?
-Well, you're just in time for t
finish, if you get what I mean.
-Hello, Fanny Malone!
I mean that Phyllis Van-- uh--
missus whatever your name is.
What's up?
-Nothing at all.
Sir Oswald will be
himself any minute now.
Who?
Who?
-Sir Oswald?
How do
you get that way?
He's Hamilton's man, just
plain Groggs the valet.
-Oswald!
Oswald!
Oswald, is this true?
-I cannot tell a lie!
-Oh, there goes the bride.
And here goes the groom.
Well, Groggs is saved.
-Wait till she comes to.
-While you're cackling, let's
make it a good laugh, duchess.
-What do you mean?
-There ain't no title.
-What?
-I put that personal in the
paper about Reggie's fortune.
Why you-- oh!
-That there, Reggie.
Emergency hospital, make
it three stretchers.
-I think I should be
going, my young friend.
You seem to have far greater
need for a doctor than a judge.
-Wait a minute.
I promised you a job, and I'm
going to see that you get it.
-Yes, but I--
-Phyllis, Phyllis, speak to me.
-Beat it.
-Well, that's speaking to me.
-Do you Dorothy
Blaine take this man
to be your lawful
wedded husband?
-I do.
-Do you Chester
Hamilton take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
-I do.
-Then place the ring
on the bride's finger.
-Ring?
Ring?
You got the license.
Have you got a ring?
-No, I haven't got any ring.
-Have you got--
-Why no.
Uh, my oblige, sir.