Good Times (1967) - full transcript

What's that, Son?

- Hey, you wanna make a movie?
- Nope.

Why?

'Cause I like what I'm doing.

I know, but let's just go up
and see what it's all about.

No, you go ahead. I got some things to do.
I'll meet you later.

Come on, bud, you don't have
anything to do.

No, you go ahead.
Besides, you know I hate business.

It's not business.
I'll just go and see what it's all about.

No, thank you.

- Are you coming or not?
- No, thank you.



Come on, you don't have anything to do, you
just don't wanna go and talk to the man.

- No, thank you, please.
- Know what you are?

- What?
- A pain.

I know it. See you later.

You are about to enter
Mordicus Enterprises.

Wipe your feet, please.

Mr. Mordicus will meet with you
in just a moment.

You may proceed.

Splendid!

I'm really quite impressed.

- I'd like to hire this man.
- Okay, you got him.

And please remove the debris.

Right, Mr. Mordicus.
You heard. Get him out of here.

My dear Sonny, how good of you to come.



- I'm Mordicus.
- Pleased to meet you.

- Will your wife be joining us?
- No, she couldn't make it.

- You just get half of the team today.
- What a pity.

I do so enjoy young people.
It's one of my few pleasures.

That's why I take time out occasionally
from my activities...

to produce motion pictures.

Making money has all but lost
its attraction for me.

Actually, Sonny, I'm a simple man.

And therefore my proposition
is a simple one.

I propose to produce a motion picture
starring yourself and Cher.

- That's great. That's what we want to do.
- Fine. Then it's settled.

Excuse me.

No.

No, there can be no extension on the loan.

Please tell His Highness
that they have exactly 24 hours to pay...

or I shall be forced to foreclose.

Those were the terms.

But don't you see,
Charles, that's the point.

Why control a company
when one can control an industry?

Yes, that's final.

Small nations are such bad risks.

That's amazing.

Business bores me, Sonny.
Motion pictures excite me.

And I must confess the prospect of making
a motion picture with you and Cher...

is something that I find most exciting.

All right, here's the thing.
We've had a lot of offers.

But I would like to have something to say
about the creative end of our first movie.

Yes.

You must trust me.

I know everything
there is to be known about you.

But it wasn't until I saw this...

that I became convinced
of your potential for the screen.

I remember that.
That's the thing we did for television.

You're not the kind of guy

that make the girls all sigh.

And they never turn their heads and look

when you walk by.

But, baby, that's okay.

I love you anyway.

And I'd never change or rearrange you

so stay that way

'Cause it's the little things

that mean a lot.

It's what you are

not what you got.

Call my name and I'll come running.

Look at me and the clouds start sunning.

Hold my hand and you got me going.

Kiss my lips and my mind starts growing.

We've got a thing that won't stop cooking.

You turn me on just by looking.

You make me strong just by sighing.

You can break my heart just by crying.

You're not the smartest man

that I've ever met.

Yet every word you ever said
I won't forget.

And so I guess that's why

until the day I die.

Even when you're bad and make me sad

you're still my guy

'Cause it's the little things

oh, that mean a lot.

It's what you are

not what you got.

Call my name and I'll come running.

Look at me and the clouds start sunning.

Hold my hand and you got me going.

Kiss my lips and my mind starts growing.

Talk to me and I hear singing.

Walk with me and the bells start ringing

don't know what it is about you.

But there ain't no way
I can live without you.

Baby.

Exciting, isn't it,
seeing yourself on the screen?

But that was just a variety show.
All we had to do was sing.

I'd like to do a story.

Oh, yes. A story. An astute observation.

We need a story. And we'll get one.

A good one. The best.

A mere detail, of course.

Mere frosting on the cake, so to speak.

I'm sure you know what you're doing...

but I think I could help
if I could work with the writer.

My dear Sonny, I must speak frankly.

To create the right kind of story, I must
have the finest writer that money can buy.

Have you ever written
a motion picture script before?

No.

You see? Trust me. I propose a bargain.

If the script is wrong,
you may suggest changes.

You can create your own setting
if necessary.

Would you accept under those terms?

Yeah, on those conditions, I'd accept.

Fine. Then it's settled.

The contracts will be drawn up
and sent to your managers for approval.

Okay. It was a pleasure meeting you.

Marilyn, would you show Sonny
to the door?

Please give my regards to Cher.
I look forward to meeting her.

I will. Thank you.

- Let's have a look at that script.
- Yes, sir.

All this needs is a new cover.

Maybe add a few pages...

and put their names on it...

in gold.

Hi, Solly.

On my table she has to design
her new clothes.

Don't yell at me. Yell at her.
She's the one...

You're her husband. You yell at her!

Hi, hon.

Cher, why? Why do you always have to draw
on the man's tabletop?

That's okay.
You can just pay him a little extra.

That's not the point, sweetheart.

The point is he always yells at me
instead of you.

You get away with it,
and that's why you do it.

- Okay.
- Okay what?

Okay, you won't do it anymore,
or okay, you're pacifying me?

Okay, I won't do it anymore.

Good. That's 16 times now
you've promised me that.

- How was your meeting?
- Good. We're gonna make a movie.

I really hope you know what you're doing.

I know what I'm doing, don't worry.

Hey, partner, come here.

Hi.

- What are you doing?
- Playing cowboys and Indians.

Yeah? How would you like it if I played
cowboys and Indians with your wife?

- I haven't got a wife.
- You're not married yet?

- What are you supposed to be right now?
- A cowboy.

A cowboy? A cowboy doesn't wear
his guns like that. Come here.

Let me show you
how a cowboy wears his gun.

Now you can draw. Try it.

- Better?
- Yeah.

You want to draw on me?

Okay.

We'll draw on each other.

Okay, stay there. When she counts to three,
we'll draw.

All right, you guys ready?

- Yeah.
- Yup!

All right, one..

- Cher, what do you think?
- What do I think about what?

Two.

- About me as a cowboy. How do I look?
- Ridiculous.

Three.

From out of the West...

comes the mighty saga
of one man's struggle...

to bring peace to a lawless frontier.

Of all the legendary lawmen...

one man sits tallest in the saddle:

Irving Ringo,
Sheriff of Broken Elbow, Nebraska...

the roughest town in the West.

To enforce the law...

he has nothing but raw courage...

and a fast gun.

Here on the frontier...

a man's reputation rests on a cool hand...

and a deadeye.

Say, Sheriff, need any bullets today?

- Maybe I can use a few, yeah.
- Okay.

You know, I've never seen any man
use as many bullets as you do.

You know how it is in my business.
A shot here, a shot there. It all adds up.

Say, Sheriff...

did you hear about Knife McBlade
breaking jail last week?

- Last week, Knife McBlade?
- Yeah.

You think he'll come gunning for you
for sending him up?

Let him come. I'm ready for him.

Say, Sheriff, I never seen anybody
wear his gun like you do.

Quickest way to fire a shot.

Throw a can there.
I'll show you what I mean.

- A what?
- Throw a can out there.

A can. Yeah, sure.

Okay, now stand back.

See what I mean?

Come on, Rover.

See that, Rover?
You gotta be tough and hard.

You just wait outside. I'll be right back.

Going in for a bowl of chili. Stay there.

Rover! I told you to wait outside.
Now go on!

Stupid horse.

Who's the creep?

Ever heard of the fastest gun in the West?

And the toughest man in the West.

That's right, stranger.

- That's Irving Ringo?
- Sheriff of this here town.

Don't look so tough to me.

The last cretin who said that to Ringo
felt 30 pieces of lead...

- before he could get his gun out.
- Nearly killed him.

Irving Ringo don't know the meaning
of the word fear.

Maybe it's about time for him to learn it.

Pass me.

Can I have a word with you, buddy?

The name's Ringo. Irving Ringo.

You know what I think it is?
I think it's Mud.

Irving Mud.

It's Ringo. Irving Ringo.

How's the chili?

Not that good. Something missing
in it today, I don't know.

Maybe it's Tabasco sauce.

You shouldn't have done that, stranger.

Knock that off.

You didn't have the nerve, did you?

Cross that line.

You still didn't have the nerve, huh?

I got a six-gun here
that says you're yellow!

Where's it say that?

And a trigger finger just
itching to prove it.

I gave him every chance.

Look at that.

Say, you got a bottle that breaks?

You had enough?

Hey, that's it. That's what was missing.

And stay out!

Irving, bubee.

Sheriff to you, mister!
Didn't you just see what I...

Sorry about that, ma'am.

You know, I'd like to
get to know you better.

I was born in a log cabin...

No, I mean, really get to know you, Irv.

Get to know her, Irv!

They like you.

Nice time to show your appreciation.
Right, boys?

Yeah!

Why don't you sing them a song?

Come on!

Stop! No!

Shucks, ma'am, I can't sing.

Don't let that stop you.

If you think you got trouble

I knew a girl named Bubble.

She did a dance she called the paradise.

Ain't that nice.

One night she did her dance.

She had them in a trance.

Till some wise guy brought a safety pin.

Now she wears a grin.

Ride on, ride on your merry-go-round.

Don't be afraid 'cause it won't break down.

Dance and sing and raise your glass.

Drink to the good times
and hope, my friend.

That they last.

So if you're feeling blue.

It's really nothing new.

And here's a lesson
You should take from me.

Because it's free.

Just you remember, friend.

To find that happy end.

To find a pot of gold
Where rainbows shine.

You got to take the time.

To ride on, ride on your merry-go-round.

Don't be afraid 'cause it won't break down.

Dance and sing and raise your glass.

Drink to the good times
and hope, my friend.

That they last.

So if you're feeling blue.

It's really nothing new.

And here's a lesson
You should take from me.

Because it's free.

Just you remember, friend.

To find that happy end.

To find a pot of gold
Where rainbows shine.

You got to take the time.

To ride on, ride on your merry-go-round.

Don't be afraid cause it won't break down.

Dance and sing and raise your glass.

Drink to the good times
and hope, my friend.

That they last.

Sheriff, I got a message for you.

Knife McBlade and his brothers
are coming in on the 247 stage!

Irv, aren't you scared?

I ain't afraid.
Not while I know how to use this.

- Did you hurt yourself?
- No, it's nothing.

All right, all my deputies up here.

Luke, Sam, Pete, come on!

Come on, you guys. You heard the Sheriff.
Get up there.

Luke, Sam, Pete, all my deputies,
come on up here.

I'll tell you how we're gonna
handle this thing.

Irving, my boy...

I've got a wife and five hungry kids.

Tough luck, Irving.

I'm awful sorry, Mr. Irving...

but I'd like to have a wife
and five hungry kids someday.

Sorry, Irv, I've got bad eyes.

Those are the breaks, kid.

My gun hand. My gun hand's gone bad.

My gun hand. I'm sorry. Really.

I'm terribly sorry, Sheriff.
I've got to pass.

I'm sorry, Irv.

When you swore me in...

I said I'd never do nothing like this.

I ain't got no guts!

Crybaby-

I didn't want to be a
deputy anyway, Irving.

When did you make her a deputy?

Good luck, Irving.

Too bad, Irv.

- Too bad.
- Yeah.

Good luck, Irving.

So long, old pal!

Thanks, Irv!

Broken Elbow!

Come on!

Gotcha!

- Did he get me?
- Afraid so, pal.

What kind of a cowboy
do you think you'd make now?

Not that good, I guess.

Here's your gun, kid.

See you, Sheriff.

Hiya, Scoonge.

Couldn't wait?

You want some?

What's the matter with you?

Scoonge, you're not a human.
You're just a dog.

You're just a little P-U-P dog.

Now come on, it's delicious. You'll
love it. Just try it one time.

Everybody's a critic today.

Here.

Okay, let's settle this like men.
Follow me.

3-year-old dog is gonna criticize my sauce.

- Cher, I need some help, sweetheart.
- I'm still not talking to you.

Bud, look. I brought you a present.

I don't want your present.

And take off that hat. You look ridiculous.

Come on, we shouldn't fight
in front of our fans.

- What do you mean? In front of what fans?
- Scoonge.

You're not funny, Sonny.

You're ridiculous,
and I don't want you riding a motorcycle!

I'm just gonna ride it
on the side streets...

and besides, I look sexy on it.

Please tell me where you put the keys.

I'm not telling you where I put the keys.

If you wanna look sexy,
buy yourself a bikini.

Bud, look, here.

- How's that?
- What about it?

- What do you think of it?
- It's okay. Why?

Because I'm having an argument with Scoonge
and he doesn't think it's that great.

He should argue with you.

You're bad for buying a motorcycle
without me knowing it.

Come on, don't be like that now.

- Say, this is lovely. When did you do it?
- Saturday.

Take off that hat. You look like an idiot.

- I'm gonna paint your name on it.
- I don't care. Work on your movie.

Tell you what.
Tell me where you put the keys...

and I'll give you my very own,
very favorite statue.

I don't care.
I don't want your favorite statue.

I hate that statue
more than I hate your motorcycle...

because I think it looks like Mr. Mortimer.

His name is Mordicus and you know it.

How do you know what he looks like?
You've never seen him.

Good, and I don't want to.

Yeah? Just for that,
I'm not gonna let you meet him.

Big deal. I'm crushed.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, don't ask to meet him then.
- Okay, I won't.

Don't think this argument's over
just because I've been interrupted!

Hi.

- Mr. Mordicus requests your presence.
- Mordicus wants to see me now?

Mr. Mordicus regrets the inconvenience
and begs your indulgence.

Okay, I'll come.

Mr. Mordicus also requests
the presence of your wife.

Boy, you couldn't have picked a better
time for that. Let me see. Hold on.

How would you like to meet Mr. Mordicus?

You gotta be kidding.
After that big speech you just gave me?

- Who's out there?
- Warren.

Who's Warren?

He's kind of like
Mr. Mordicus' right-hand man.

- What does he want?
- He wants us to go see Mr. Mordicus.

Let Mr. Mordicus come and see us.

Cher, he can't. His time is more involved
than ours. Do you wanna come or not?

All right. I'll do it for
you, but I don't like it.

You don't like what?

I don't like this whole situation.
I think you're bending.

- What does that mean?
- I don't know, but we'll see.

Wild, huh?

- Where are the Batpoles?
- Come on, cool it.

- No, really, I have to find the Bat-room.
- Will you cut it out.

Music ready?

Boy, this is really wild.

These are not the clouds I ordered.
This entire sky is wrong.

Absolutely unacceptable.

- You may strike the sky. I've finished with it.
- Yes, sir.

- Atrocious sky, Mr. M.
- Hi, Sonny.

- You must be Cher.
- Hello.

What was wrong with the sky?

That's a delightful outfit you're wearing.
I understand you design your own things.

Yes.

- Come on. Here we go. One shot.
- Get in here quick!

- This nose will have to go.
- I was born with it.

- Is it true you design your own clothes?
- Yes.

- Are the sets under construction?
- Everything moving, chief.

- Casting completed?
- Ready to roll in a week.

We're right on schedule.

- That's about enough of all that.
- Right, sir.

Let's have it quiet on the set, please.

We're gonna have a press conference
in Mr. Mordicus' office in an hour.

Radio, television, and press
will be taken care of then.

You'll meet Sonny and Cher
and talk to them.

The rest of you folks, clear the stage.

We want no one out here.
Sylvan, lock that door.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, if you will.

Clear the set, please.
Come on. Everybody out.

- Hello, Mr. Garth.
- Good morning, Mr. M.

We're in great shape. This thing is a gas.

Sonny and Cher, your writer, Leslie Garth.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Nice to meet you. You're gonna love this.

Yes, seems about right.
Wouldn't you say, Warren?

Yes. It feels about like 90 minutes,
give or take an ounce or two, sir.

Perfect. Production will begin in 10 days.
Warren, tell wardrobe...

Ten days? I didn't think
we were gonna start that soon.

Time is of the essence, Sonny.

It must be released
before the end of summer.

What's the delay? Everything's set.

Yeah. But you said if I didn't like
the story, I could make some changes.

Yes. You have a point.

I suggest a compromise.

Mr. Garth will tell us the story
in capsule form.

All else is embellishment.

As we've agreed,
it's the story that's important.

Okay, fine. I'd like to hear the story.

Mr. Garth.

We open...

We open...

Big scene.

Steam shovels, derricks, bulldozers,
all plowing up the earth.

Lots of noise! It's
progress, see, symbolic.

Just the story, Mr. Garth. Briefly.

Sure. I'm getting to it, Mr. M.

Now, there's this boy and girl, see...

nice kids, but nowhere. Slobs.

They live in hillbilly country, you dig?
And they sing!

Even made a hillbilly record,
only it never sold.

Real tapped-out cats. No bread
in the bank. None in the house.

And not much house. Solid poverty, dig?

And that way we grab sympathy.
From right off the top, you root for them.

We keep laying in that misery
real good till you're crying.

Real tough times like...

they starve from no food.
The still won't work.

A neighbor steals their mule.

There won't be a dry eye in the house.

And when you think
things can't get any worse...

they do.

The anti-poverty people wanna put up
a housing development.

They wanna relocate them.

Most cats would jump at the chance.
But not our kids.

They love their house.
Even though it's a rat-hole...

they wanna hang on to it.

Individualism! Dig?

They'd rather stay slobs
than let the government own them.

The government's coming on strong,
and our kids look like sure losers, when...

Another miracle.
I mean, right out of the blue.

One night, the disc jockey gets bombed,
the local guy, see...

and he plays their record by mistake.

And all of a sudden, they're a smash.
The hit of the world!

Now, for a real upbeat ending...

the kids zoom to the top, see,
nothing but loot...

but they're all heart.
I mean, they're real.

Now get this for a twist, will you.

At the finish, the kids
hire a big-time lawyer.

He searches the records
and finds a loophole.

And the government can't buy the house.

Now, the kids put a lot of money into it
and turn it into...

a monument to hillbilly music.

I mean, is that great?
I mean, can you feel it?

I mean, is that custom-made?

I don't wanna hurt
anybody's feelings, but...

That story might be great
for somebody else...

but it isn't something we could do.

What didn't you like about it?

It's just something we couldn't do.

- You just can't do it. Why?
- Don't get emotional.

Writers are so sensitive.

I write a great ending, and she breaks up.

You said this thing was all wrapped up...

It needs some work, but it's a sound,
tried-and-true theme.

Rags to riches. Always works.
Perhaps it suffers in the telling.

It's solid, Mr. M.

- Taylor and Burton would do it in a minute.
- No doubt.

I am telling you now,
there is no way we can do that story.

Our contract calls for a picture.
Not necessarily this one.

But we must begin in 10 days.

You have until then
to create your own vehicle.

And please feel free to call upon Mr. Garth
for any assistance that you might require.

Ten days.

For a genius, 10 days is an eternity.

The world was created in seven.

You have three extra days.

And all of this to work with.
Make of it what you will.

- It's kind of exciting, isn't it?
- Yeah.

That's a yeah that doesn't
mean yeah at all.

- What's the matter, bud?
- Oh, I don't know, Son.

Are you sure you wanna get mixed up
with those creeps?

So he's a little weird.

He ought to know what he's doing.
He owns half of the world.

Yeah. I think he wants to own you, too.

- Have I ever steered you wrong yet?
- No.

Well?

I'm not gonna be a poverty-stricken
whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

Would I let them do that to us?

Trust me

all you gotta do is trust me.

All you gotta know

is everywhere I go.

Everything I do
I do it just for you.

So trust me

trust me

'Cause I need you more.

Than I've ever needed you before.

Hey, my friend

don't know where you are.

But I'll be there

I'll help you find your star.

There's not a face.

Can take your place by far.

So hey, my friend

I'm always where you are.

Hey, my friend.

You know I like your style.

So I think I'll hang around awhile.

And I don't mean just a year or two.

So I'll just spend my life, friend

loving you.

There are a million things I'd like to be.

Like sailing a ship across a stormy sea.

A captain so brave
He's feared by all his crew.

That's what I'll be.

How about you?

I like to ride upon a merry-go-round.

And be all dressed up
Just like a circus clown.

I'd hold up a hula-hoop
And you could jump through.

That's what I'll be.

How about you?

There are a million things I want to be.

Like sailing a ship across a stormy sea.

A captain so brave
He's feared by all his crew.

That's what I'll be.

How about you?

How did I ever wind up
with somebody like you?

I don't know. Just lucky, I guess.

Well, tell me something.
What are you supposed to be right now?

- I'm Aladdin's lamp!
- You're the son of Aladdin's lamp.

- I'm a magician!
- Oh, yeah? I'm Snow White.

Hey, Cher.

Cher, I got it!

I'm King of the Jungle.

Boy, are you clumsy.
That's the fourth time today.

- So I lost my balance.
- How can you lose what you never had?

Listen, that's no way to
talk to Jungle Morry.

- King of the Jungle...
- Stop with that king of the jungle jazz.

- You're a grown man.
- Yeah? You wanna hear something?

Please. You could be the king
or the prince or anything.

Just don't let out those awful yells.

- Who says it's awful?
- Everybody in the world.

Besides them, who?

Besides them, we gotta get going.
What time is it?

I'll tell you what time it is.

So what time is it?

It's 11:00.

There you are, folks.
Take a look at that great wash job.

I've got a deal for you.

Me Morry. Jungle Morry. King of the Jungle.
I was brought up by apes.

I'm the only man who can talk to animals.

- You putting me on?
- You don't believe me, huh?

- Please, believe him.
- Listen.

- Very nice.
- Thank you.

- How much for the wash?
- That'll be three fish.

- That sounds like a lion.
- Good thinking.

- Don't worry. I'll save you.
- Please. Do me a favor. Don't save me.

I have to, or I wouldn't be
Jungle Morry, King of the Jungle.

Leave the poor thing alone.
He's tired of wrestling you every day...

- for crying out loud.
- Don't panic. I'll get him.

Will you come on
and get this thing over with?

Morry, please, leave him alone.

Beat it. This is your lucky day.

Would you stop acting like an idiot?

- What's for dinner?
- I thought we'd call Jungle Delight.

Jungle Delight?

What do you do all day?
I can't get a home-cooked meal.

Look, you knew when you met me
I wasn't the domestic type.

Forget the one-liners, will you?
Just get my robe.

Jungle Delight. I hate it.

And now, in living color...

the exciting adventures of Jungle Gino.

- Come here, quick!
- What's the matter? What's wrong?

What's wrong? It's that fake again.

That phony.

That impostor.
I got a good mind to sue him.

Morry, will you forget it? Just relax.

They look at you one time.

He's not even using a real vine.

Stupid jerk.

"Managed to send the message
to his faithful monkey Jerome."

We look now as faithful monkey Jerome
tries to chew through the rope.

Where's my faithful companion, Pizza?

How am I supposed to know?
He said he was going for a walk.

A walk! Where's he got to walk to?

Pizza!

Read them and weep, baby.
The dice are mine today.

There, that's the rent.
Now for the grocery.

Pizza!

Man. What's that cat want now?

Come to me, green stuff.

Shut up and shoot.

Coming UP-

That's 28 straight.

This is incroyable.

How about that?

Okay, the points say eight from the table.

Coming UP-

I can't stand it.

- What is this?
- Those are new dice.

- And they're loaded.
- You guys are sore losers.

You always win 'cause you cheat.

I'm gonna belt somebody!

Stand back, you big baboon!

Belt you right in the mouth.

Can't you wait
till you get through with dinner?

He's one of my dearest friends.
How often do I get to see him?

Hi, Pizza.

Play a little checkers?

Not that one, stupid.

If you're gonna watch a game, don't kibitz.

That's the stupidest thing
you've done all day.

What do you mean?

I told you,
I don't want animals in this house.

Sore loser.

I can't concentrate when somebody watches
every move I make.

I want you to have a talk with the kid.

He's still hanging out with that bad crowd.

Don't worry,
it's just a stage he's going through.

You never pay him any attention. At least
you can talk to him once in a while.

Hi, kid! How are you doing, kid?

I don't mean yell out the window.
I mean go down and have a talk with him.

You nag!

I'll give you a nag.

How you doing, boy?
How you coming with that dugout canoe?

Got it finished yet, kid?

It's about half done. How do you like it?

That's a nice thing, boy.

Boy, the school asked me to talk to you
about your hair.

Why do you have to wear it so short?

It's a fad. Everybody's wearing...

Yeah, but, boy, it doesn't look good.
It doesn't look clean.

It looks like
you're rebelling against something.

Boy, what's going to become of you?

Don't worry, J.M.,
it's just a stage I'm going through.

What is that? What is it?

Jungle Morry, there's a message for you.
I think it's urgent.

There it is. At last.

The elephants' graveyard.

Enough ivory to bring untold riches.

And it's all mine.

All right, men. Move in and take it.

Turn back.

Only elephants allowed
in Elephants' Graveyard.

Out of my way, clown.

Not clown.
Jungle Morry, King of the Jungle.

I was brought up by the apes.

I'm the only man
that can talk to the animals.

Now what do you think?

Out of my way,
or I'll be forced to dispose of you.

You don't understand.

All I got to do is yell
out there one time...

and every animal in this jungle
will come running.

That's worse than a freeway.
You'll get trampled.

I detest violence,
but you leave me no alternative.

Gentlemen.

All right. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Say, fellows. A little help, fellows!
Not kidding.

Up and at 'em, boys. Let's go!

A joke's a joke.
Come on, fellows, I'm serious!

After him!

Zora!

What do you want?

What a day. Oh, man.

Get over here, Scoonge.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Who's Zora, Son?

Zora is a very important lady in my life.

You're not gonna have any life
if you don't tell me who she is.

Tell you what. You tell me
where you put my motorcycle keys...

and I'll tell you who Zora is.

Make you a better deal.

I won't break that statue over your head
if you tell me who she is.

All right, I dreamt I was Jungle Morry
and you were his girl companion, Zora...

and we lived off the fat of the jungle.

Why'd you have to pick a name like Zora?

I didn't, it came with the dream.

Where are you going?

I'm just gonna check the bike.
I'll be right back.

- What am I supposed to do?
- I'll be right back.

Don't talk to strangers, baby.

Watch out for dangers, baby

can't let anybody

break

your heart.

Don't think I'm trying to guide you.

Protect or trying to hide you.

I just don't want my baby

torn

apart.

I want

the same things as you do.

The whole world to hear you.

And to see what I see.

Someday.

Your dreams will all come true.

But watch me run, too

'Cause you gotta be free.

Don't talk to strangers, baby.

Watch out for dangers, baby

can't let anybody

break

your heart.

Break your heart.

Here you go, Scoonge.

You wanna watch some TV?

Look, it's your favorite program.

On tonight's exciting episode, the green...

I don't believe you two.

Why don't you get him his own car?

Scoongey thinks you should be a detective.

I don't wanna be a detective.

He thinks you'd make a great detective.

How would Scoongey know
what kind of a detective I'd make?

'Cause he thinks you can do anything.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

So far-out, it might work.

Wouldn't that be wild? Me, a private eye.

All I'd have to do is learn how to sneer.

Why not? I got the looks for it.

It had been a tough day.
Exciting, but tough.

In this business, they all are.

The name's Pitzaccatto.
Johnny Pitzaccatto, Private Eye.

It was 8: 15, maybe 8:20. Possibly 8:40.

With a cheap watch, you can't tell.

- Who let you in, mister?
- I came here to warn you.

One of Xeruthian's killers followed me and
will be here any second. What do you think?

I think you ought to knock
next time you come through that door.

There's no time.
He's after you, but he'll kill me...

because I know what they're up to.

They'll still be after you,
and I won't be able to tell you anything.

- Do you mind repeating that, baby?
- There's no time!

Why not? It's only 8: 15. Maybe 8:20.

- Please!
- Possibly 8:40.

All right, wait in here. I'll handle this.

Where is she, Pitzaccatto?

Mr. Pitzaccatto, baby cakes.

Hey!

All right, which one is she?

How should I know?

- I only met her today.
- Save me, Johnny, save me!

- That's my third window this week.
- You saved me!

- All right, baby, what's this all about?
- Xeruthian, the crime lord...

That can really be painful.

Decisions. All day, decisions.

Good evening, Mr. Pitzaccatto.

- Hello, Johnny. I called you last night.
- Don't call me, I'll call you, frog legs.

Yes?

- A table in the main room, baby cakes.
- Reservations only.

Got a table in the main room, baby cakes?

I'll see if I can squeeze you in.

Yes, gentlemen?

You got a table in the main room?

I'll see what I can do.
Step this way, gentlemen.

You ought to give up smoking.

Keep an eye on him.
Don't let him get out of sight.

When he leaves, we take him.

And there ain't no one
Who can ever put me through.

Those changes like you do.

And no one can make me
Feel so bad.

I wanna die.

No one could look at me
The way that you do.

And get me high.

That's why That's why.

That's why That's why.

I've gotta have you.

I've just gotta have you.

I'm gonna get you.

I've gotta have you.

Till the day I die.

I won't be satisfied.

Till the day I die.

What was that? Your own floorshow?

See those two punks over there?

They're tailing me, baby.

Johnny, have you ever thought
of getting into some other kind of work?

A man's gotta stick to the work
he knows best.

That's what I mean. This private
eye stuff is getting us nowhere.

Look, Sam, I told you a hundred times...

next case I solve... Bang! We get married.

That's what I mean.
You told me a hundred times.

What's the hurry, Sam? You're only 19.

Yeah, but we've been engaged seven years.
People are beginning to talk.

Not as much as they talked
when we first got engaged.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I ought to get
into some other racket.

No, you'll never be happy.
It's in your blood.

You spent too many years in the force.

Yeah, I was the best, too.

Why did they kick you out?

I still think the police commissioner
was behind it.

- Yeah, but he's your uncle.
- Politics. It can happen to anybody.

Come on. We'll get him outside.

Looks like I gotta go to work, Sam.

Don't go away.

Are you sure it was politics
that got you kicked out of the force?

Come on!

Get going, chief!

Come over here!

Come on!

Get in there.

Excellent judgment.
You've captured Pitzaccatto.

What do you need with this bum?

Why should I bother
with an unemployed private detective?

You already control all
the crime in the city.

Quite, but the police commissioner's
proved annoying lately.

He must be disposed of.
He's Pitzaccattds uncle.

Therefore, I shall use Pitzaccatto
as the man to kill him.

- Hey, that's smart, boss.
- Don't interrupt. Now then.

Can you hear me, Pitzaccatto?

I hear you.

You will obey my every word.

I will obey...

your every word.

He's completely hypnotized.

He will do precisely as I instruct.

The tough Mr. Pitzaccatto...

is now reduced to a babe-in-arms.

Dada.

Now then.

All I have to do is to send him to police
headquarters carrying this bomb...

tuned to go off at the sound of a phone
in the interrogation room...

and in one hour, the police commissioner
will be blown to bits.

Yeah, but what if nobody dials that number?

We'll make sure of that ourselves.

- Yeah, that's creative.
- Lot of moxie, boss.

That best part of it is that
the police commissioner's own nephew...

will be solely responsible.

Be a good girl, Sam.
Tell me, where is Pitzaccatto?

Do you really want to know, Lieutenant?

For two hours
I've been asking you questions.

The commissioner's in his office
getting ready to fire me...

and you ask me, do I really want to know?

No, of course not.

- All right, I won't tell you.
- Of course I want to know!

He's right behind you.

I knew where he was all the time.

Johnny, what's the matter? Are you okay?

Dada.

Does look a little funny.
Are you feeling all right?

I'll call the commissioner
and tell him I captured Pitzaccatto.

Johnny, sit down.

Boss, the line is busy.

Try it again.

I know he's entitled to one phone call...

but he's been on that phone for 20 minutes
and he hasn't said a word.

So he's a good listener.

Will you hang up that phone
before I go to pieces?

Boss, it's ringing. This is it.

Sammy's Delicatessen.
Corned beef, roast beef and pastrami.

Your order, please.

You incompetent fool.

Another minute of this
and I'll really blow up.

I got it! It's ringing!

Hello.

We're gonna hear the explosion.
The bomb is...

That's a heck of a way to say hello.

It's just Xeruthian's headquarters
exploding into action.

Just Xeruthian's headquarters?
Where is he? Where can I find him?

By now, several places. Depends on
which part of him you wanna find.

- Johnny, you're all right.
- Sure, I'm all right.

I must have been hypnotized,
but I slept it off.

You better tell me what happened...

or I'm gonna lock you up
and throw the key away.

It's simple, Lieutenant.

Xeruthian hypnotized me,
placed a bomb in my pocket...

tuned to go off when that phone rang.

But he didn't know that
before he hypnotized me...

I overheard his plan...

managed to switch the box
containing the bomb...

with an identical box
they had at their headquarters.

So Xeruthian wound up
placing this box in my pocket...

while the one with the bomb
was left there to explode...

when the sound of your phone ring
came through the receiver of their phone.

- You got it?
- Yeah, and I'd like to give it back to you.

- Look, Lieutenant...
- Please, not again.

As long as the diabolic Xeruthian
is done for and we're safe...

that's all that counts.

See you later, Lieutenant. Come on, Sam.

By the way, Johnny, what's in that box?
It looks like a radio.

I don't know, and I don't care,
as long as the bomb's in the other one.

Here's a present for you, Lieutenant.

We must begin in 10 days.

You have until then
to create your own vehicle.

The world was created in seven,
I'm giving you three extra days...

and all of this to work with.

- Where am I supposed to sign?
- Right on the top, sir.

- Thank you.
- We'll need a signature also.

- You come empty-handed.
- I could come up with something.

I got some good ideas.
All I need is a couple more days.

Only ideas?

Nothing concrete? No script?

Then we shoot tomorrow at dawn.

I got more than ideas.

I got a couple of funny characters
and some good situations.

Your naiveté amuses me.

- We shoot tomorrow.
- I can't shoot tomorrow.

Now don't tell me you have stage fright.

No, I don't have stage fright.
You got a bad script and we can't do it.

I see.

I'm afraid I have no time for bickering.

I have a script, you have a contract.

Now, be on the set tomorrow
at 6:30 a.m. for makeup.

What if I don't show up?

You force me to be unkind.

If you don't show up, you will both be
taken with a permanent case of laryngitis.

There will be writs, restraining orders,
and injunctions.

You will not record or perform in any way
until this contract has been fulfilled.

And the contract calls for you to appear
as rustic wonders...

in this delightful tour de force.

Mr. Mordicus, let me ask you something.

Let me buy my contract back.

Out of the question.

We will make this picture...

it will make money,
and that, my boy, is what it's all about.

Now, go and get some rest.
You have a 6:30 call tomorrow morning.

- What you doing, bud?
- Just fooling around.

You only play like that
when you're depressed.

I'm a little depressed, yeah.

What's the matter, honey?

- I don't know how to tell you.
- What?

We gotta make that movie.

You mean we got to make that
rags-to-riches junk?

Yeah.

You said we didn't have to, Son.

We do.

And that's all you gotta say? You just
gonna let them tell us what to do now?

That's not it. We got a contract.
Don't you understand?

Either that or we're in a lot of trouble.

- You know nothing about business.
- I don't care anything about business.

I just care what you said
and you said we wouldn't have to do it.

I told you
not to get involved with those people.

Now I get "I told you so," right?

Okay, I did and we goofed. Okay?
I'm sorry, what else?

Now, that's it. I don't want to hear
about it anymore. Please.

What can I say?
You know you can't do this to yourself.

Just leave me alone.

Really. Get out! Get out of here.

- Get out!
- Okay.

- Can I have the keys to my bike, please?
- Yes.

It's just a name

it's just a name.

It's not too long

and it's kind of plain.

He's just a guy

just a little guy.

And he's not too brave

not too shy.

And he'll never make history.

And he's not very much of a mystery.

He's not even handsome

nor is he tall.

But there is no way

I could live at all.

Without his funny name.

He's

just a guy

just a little guy.

That can make me laugh.

That can make me cry.

If I haven't mentioned this before.

He's got all I want and even more

'Cause he gives me all that he has to give.

And I guess that's why
I just couldn't live.

Without his funny name.

She's

just a girl

she's just a girl.

Her hair is straight

she don't have a curl.

She's not so hot.

I mean what's she got.

She's got all that I want and even more.

She's the girl that! Love, that! Adore

'Cause she gives me all
that she has to give.

And I guess that's why
I just couldn't live.

Without her funny name.

Just a name.

It's just a name.

It's just a name.

It's just a name.

- You have to go take it off.
- Good morning, chief.

Our stars will be here shortly.
Treat them gently but firmly.

This is gonna make a fortune.
They'll eat it up.

With a script like this, how could it miss?

This'll be the biggest grosser
since Out of Sight. Why, chief...

You're right.

Here they come, sir.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Mordicus.

I admire promptness,
but where is your lovely co-star?

She's not coming.

I came here to tell you
we're not going to make this picture.

You will go to work this morning...

or your career is at an end.

Then my career is gonna have to end.

Bravo. Excellent performance.

Maybe Mr. Garth can work
it into the script.

Maybe he can.

They're ready to roll, sir.
What are you going to do?

What's to do?

We'll get the next teenage idol
that comes down the pike.

There's hundreds of them.

Don't be uncouth, Mr. Garth.

Shall I get your attorney
on the phone, sir?

No.

Forget it.

Still wanna make a movie?